WEBVTT 00:00.631 --> 00:03.333 [SPEAKER_00]: Your inner critic isn't really your voice. 00:03.794 --> 00:08.778 [SPEAKER_00]: Research says that voice almost always started out as someone else's. 00:08.918 --> 00:11.319 [SPEAKER_00]: Usually a parent or a caregiver from way back. 00:11.860 --> 00:15.122 [SPEAKER_00]: The problem is you've been repeating it in your head for so long. 00:15.202 --> 00:18.185 [SPEAKER_00]: You forgot it with someone else's way of thinking and not your own. 00:18.825 --> 00:21.408 [SPEAKER_00]: it's time to choose what you say to yourself. 00:21.488 --> 00:30.758 [SPEAKER_00]: So today I'm going to help you figure out who you are underneath that voice and my two step process for getting it to stop running the show. 00:30.898 --> 00:31.559 [SPEAKER_00]: So stay tuned. 00:33.813 --> 00:47.819 [SPEAKER_00]: Welcome to the Relationships Made Easy Podcast, where I give you the exact steps to create connection, joy and ease, and all your relationships, whether it's with your partner, your family, your friends, or most importantly yourself. 00:48.499 --> 00:55.462 [SPEAKER_00]: I'm Dr. Abby Medkath, psychologist, bestselling author, TEDx speaker, and the bossy Jewish mom you didn't know you needed. 00:56.162 --> 01:05.968 [SPEAKER_00]: Each week you'll get no nonsense, research back strategies, serve with humor and love, so you can stop second-guessing yourself and start having the relationships you deserve. 01:06.648 --> 01:12.592 [SPEAKER_00]: You'll always leave knowing exactly what to say and do to shift your relationships for the better. 01:13.092 --> 01:13.953 [SPEAKER_00]: So let's get to it. 01:17.409 --> 01:19.369 [SPEAKER_00]: Welcome back to the podcast. 01:19.970 --> 01:21.830 [SPEAKER_00]: And oh, here we are, deep in it. 01:22.670 --> 01:24.211 [SPEAKER_00]: I've talked about integrated before. 01:24.371 --> 01:28.512 [SPEAKER_00]: I'll mention some past episodes in a minute. 01:29.352 --> 01:39.134 [SPEAKER_00]: And I do want to start by saying that my new book is coming out, stop reacting, start connecting, the end of September, September 29th. 01:39.614 --> 01:41.234 [SPEAKER_00]: So please be on the lookout for that. 01:41.274 --> 01:43.235 [SPEAKER_00]: Thank you for your support for all my past books. 01:44.415 --> 01:47.877 [SPEAKER_00]: be happily married even if your partner won't do a thing and Amazon number one best seller. 01:47.917 --> 01:48.297 [SPEAKER_00]: Thank you. 01:48.317 --> 01:49.818 [SPEAKER_00]: Let's get this one to best seller too. 01:50.698 --> 01:53.939 [SPEAKER_00]: And boundaries made easy which has also been incredible in the companion workbook. 01:53.959 --> 01:55.360 [SPEAKER_00]: So here we go. 01:55.520 --> 01:55.800 [SPEAKER_00]: All right. 01:56.240 --> 02:07.525 [SPEAKER_00]: So as I said, before we get deep into this, I want to say that if you're so if you're in a critic is a problem for you, definitely go back and check the two episodes I've previously done on this topic. 02:07.585 --> 02:10.647 [SPEAKER_00]: So way back in season three, can you believe for in season nine? 02:10.847 --> 02:11.127 [SPEAKER_00]: Anyway, 02:11.807 --> 02:12.828 [SPEAKER_00]: and my seasons are year. 02:12.888 --> 02:19.353 [SPEAKER_00]: So hello, way back in season three, I did an episode called negative self-talk and your inner critic need to go. 02:19.793 --> 02:34.624 [SPEAKER_00]: And in that one, I gave you three ways to quiet your inner critic, which included like, you know, distancing yourself from it by talking to yourself in the third person, which name me giving it a name, which we're going to do today, but very very different. 02:35.104 --> 02:38.127 [SPEAKER_00]: And thinking of it less as an enemy, a more as a kind of protective 02:38.927 --> 02:40.568 [SPEAKER_00]: bodyguard doing a bad job. 02:41.249 --> 02:48.174 [SPEAKER_00]: And then in season four, I added more in an episode I called overcoming insecurity and silencing your inner critic. 02:48.254 --> 02:50.936 [SPEAKER_00]: And that's where I came at it from the insecurity side, right? 02:51.296 --> 02:58.141 [SPEAKER_00]: The signs you're insecure, where that insecurity comes from, and I gave you five ways I think it was to build. 02:58.982 --> 03:02.464 [SPEAKER_00]: enough security that the critic has less to work with. 03:02.744 --> 03:11.670 [SPEAKER_00]: And so I will link to that below the video if you're watching a YouTube or on my website any time I talk about the research or links or anything the free download for today is great. 03:12.050 --> 03:15.652 [SPEAKER_00]: All that you can find on the website at this episode just go to this episode. 03:16.172 --> 03:22.076 [SPEAKER_00]: I write a full blog for everyone and I have for all these years, yes before AI, I was writing a full blog I still do. 03:22.996 --> 03:25.638 [SPEAKER_00]: and like I said below the video. 03:25.658 --> 03:33.304 [SPEAKER_00]: So today, here in season nine, I'm giving you kind of a prequel and maybe it's the one I should have done first now that I think about it. 03:33.904 --> 03:35.545 [SPEAKER_00]: But here we are, better late than ever. 03:36.606 --> 03:46.753 [SPEAKER_00]: So what's different about today's lesson is that we're going to go deeper on figuring out whose voice that inner critic really is and then we're taking the naming it tool to another level. 03:47.193 --> 03:51.595 [SPEAKER_00]: because I'm really looking to change your programming and just giving it a name. 03:51.955 --> 03:57.418 [SPEAKER_00]: For me, didn't work well enough until I discovered this little trick I'm going to show you today. 03:58.779 --> 04:03.181 [SPEAKER_00]: Anyway, okay, so why does the inner, what how do I want to say? 04:03.201 --> 04:04.262 [SPEAKER_00]: So why does 04:05.395 --> 04:28.708 [SPEAKER_00]: this inner critic voice sound like you right it's hard to tell it's like it sounds like me Abby I think it's my voice your inner critic isn't a I want to say this well let me give me a second here okay so your inner critic isn't is not a broken part of your personality it's a borrowed one it's a borrowed part of your personality you 04:29.768 --> 04:36.172 [SPEAKER_00]: picked it up somewhere back in your life from a parent and ex, maybe a coach, a teacher, somebody. 04:37.913 --> 04:44.177 [SPEAKER_00]: And it could also be, I have found like a cultural voice, you know, this is what a woman supposed to be. 04:44.197 --> 04:46.538 [SPEAKER_00]: This is how man is supposed to act, things like that. 04:46.598 --> 04:55.763 [SPEAKER_00]: So it's, and it's been saying something critical, often enough, that you absorbed it and started repeating it back in your own 04:59.740 --> 05:01.521 [SPEAKER_00]: like it was actually coming from you. 05:02.021 --> 05:04.162 [SPEAKER_00]: And I need to be clear, it never was. 05:04.683 --> 05:10.586 [SPEAKER_00]: No matter how long you've been talking to yourself in this way, it was never you, I swear. 05:11.186 --> 05:24.573 [SPEAKER_00]: The reason you've likely failed in the past and I think the reason I was failing in the past in kind of reasoning with that internal voice is because if you think that the voice is you, right? 05:24.613 --> 05:27.675 [SPEAKER_00]: If you think that's truly you, you're trying to argue with yourself. 05:28.725 --> 05:29.625 [SPEAKER_00]: think about it. 05:29.945 --> 05:35.607 [SPEAKER_00]: And as you already know, it's hard to win an argument with yourself because both sides are you. 05:35.688 --> 05:39.749 [SPEAKER_00]: You can really use, you know, you're using your logic on you. 05:40.069 --> 05:40.789 [SPEAKER_00]: It's very hard. 05:41.149 --> 05:50.113 [SPEAKER_00]: So yeah, maybe you keep the voice a bay for a few days, a few weeks, a few moments, but it usually pops back up again. 05:51.073 --> 05:53.895 [SPEAKER_00]: And in my experience, it was stronger than it ever was. 05:53.975 --> 06:02.181 [SPEAKER_00]: So the new idea for today, what I'm bringing you today is different, is that once you know whose voice it is, you're not arguing with yourself anymore. 06:02.541 --> 06:05.483 [SPEAKER_00]: You're telling someone else to leave. 06:06.003 --> 06:06.804 [SPEAKER_00]: Do you see the difference? 06:07.584 --> 06:09.525 [SPEAKER_00]: And it really, Matt, I think it really matters. 06:09.666 --> 06:14.789 [SPEAKER_00]: And again, this is stuff I've used in myself and with my clients and as always, that I've taken from the research, but 06:16.450 --> 06:17.571 [SPEAKER_00]: Yeah, anyway, okay. 06:17.971 --> 06:21.732 [SPEAKER_00]: So, so the natural question is, so where does this voice come from, Abby? 06:21.772 --> 06:22.432 [SPEAKER_00]: Where does it come from? 06:22.472 --> 06:29.775 [SPEAKER_00]: Well, there was this, there is a psychologist named Robert Firestone and he I've read tons of his stuff. 06:29.835 --> 06:33.157 [SPEAKER_00]: He, he literally spent decades on exactly that question. 06:33.177 --> 06:34.197 [SPEAKER_00]: Where does that voice come from? 06:34.897 --> 06:38.279 [SPEAKER_00]: Because in his early work, he knows this is so great. 06:39.099 --> 06:55.808 [SPEAKER_00]: In his early work, he noticed that when people described their self-criticism the normal way, you know, when they were saying, like, if they were saying, oh, I'm stupid, or I always mess this up, it came out sounding almost reasonable. 06:56.488 --> 07:00.230 [SPEAKER_00]: He found that even like mild, you know, always mess it up, 07:04.764 --> 07:06.286 [SPEAKER_00]: kind of toned down version. 07:06.887 --> 07:11.535 [SPEAKER_00]: So he had them try saying the same thoughts back as you statements, okay? 07:12.035 --> 07:14.259 [SPEAKER_00]: You're so stupid, you always mess this up. 07:15.260 --> 07:16.342 [SPEAKER_00]: Same things, but you. 07:18.037 --> 07:19.418 [SPEAKER_00]: the tone changed instantly. 07:19.518 --> 07:22.139 [SPEAKER_00]: Just like it did, as I was saying, this actually, and that happened really naturally. 07:23.099 --> 07:34.424 [SPEAKER_00]: And Fires don't said he was really caught off guard because he was watching these calm, kind of mild mannered people go from, like, you know, they were turned, they would turn really harsh. 07:35.064 --> 07:41.525 [SPEAKER_00]: and self-punishing the moment the sentence was aimed at them instead of coming from them. 07:41.866 --> 07:42.446 [SPEAKER_00]: See the difference? 07:42.466 --> 07:47.307 [SPEAKER_00]: So, you know, they were like, oh, I'm so stupid and as opposed to you are so stupid. 07:47.647 --> 07:56.209 [SPEAKER_00]: You know, and their voice would change, their whole, he said their physicality would change how they were saying it, the force of it, all of it would change. 07:56.949 --> 07:57.829 [SPEAKER_00]: And he was really taken 08:02.845 --> 08:08.872 [SPEAKER_00]: that that critical voice was never a first person thought to begin with. 08:08.893 --> 08:12.477 [SPEAKER_00]: Are you picking up what I'm laying down here? 08:13.158 --> 08:14.780 [SPEAKER_00]: It was never years to begin with. 08:14.920 --> 08:16.902 [SPEAKER_00]: It was always someone else's tone. 08:17.483 --> 08:17.663 [SPEAKER_00]: So, 08:19.357 --> 08:26.721 [SPEAKER_00]: It, it just sounded like your own voice because you've had years of practice turning it into eye language from you language. 08:26.741 --> 08:27.981 [SPEAKER_00]: You've had years of practice. 08:28.381 --> 08:34.785 [SPEAKER_00]: Someone who's telling you you're so stupid at some point or you should have done that better, you should have known better, whatever it was. 08:35.405 --> 08:35.545 [SPEAKER_00]: And, 08:36.225 --> 08:38.927 [SPEAKER_00]: You know, you turn that around into an eye statement. 08:39.047 --> 08:40.587 [SPEAKER_00]: I should have known better, right? 08:40.807 --> 08:43.649 [SPEAKER_00]: And that sounds very different than you should have known better. 08:43.689 --> 08:44.969 [SPEAKER_00]: You know, I should have known better. 08:45.290 --> 08:47.631 [SPEAKER_00]: You know, this is what he was noticing in the language. 08:47.691 --> 08:57.355 [SPEAKER_00]: So when you say it in the second person instead, and you hear what it really is that, you know, that you language, it's somebody else talking to you. 08:58.156 --> 09:02.218 [SPEAKER_00]: It's somebody else talking at you is probably a better way to say that than to you, right? 09:02.898 --> 09:03.979 [SPEAKER_00]: That's the difference. 09:04.899 --> 09:07.661 [SPEAKER_00]: and I want you to, if you have to listen this part again, please do. 09:07.781 --> 09:09.383 [SPEAKER_00]: It's subtle, but it's huge. 09:10.163 --> 09:17.609 [SPEAKER_00]: So, firestone called the whole collection of these internalized attacks. 09:17.649 --> 09:20.631 [SPEAKER_00]: He called them the anti, the, how do you call it? 09:20.691 --> 09:22.132 [SPEAKER_00]: The anti self system. 09:22.152 --> 09:24.374 [SPEAKER_00]: Okay, because it's like an anti self system. 09:24.915 --> 09:28.137 [SPEAKER_00]: And he traced its origin back to your guest at, you guessed it, right? 09:28.157 --> 09:28.718 [SPEAKER_00]: Your childhood. 09:28.758 --> 09:29.578 [SPEAKER_00]: Like, that's what he did. 09:29.999 --> 09:34.202 [SPEAKER_00]: So kids who get hurt by the people raising them in whatever way that is. 09:34.602 --> 09:45.953 [SPEAKER_00]: almost never blame the people raising them because a kid as a kid, I'm not saying you didn't as a parent, but as a kid you didn't because as a parent, sorry, as an adult. 09:46.233 --> 09:56.522 [SPEAKER_00]: I'm not saying you don't blame your parents as an adult, but as a kid, you're not blaming the people raising you because a kid who thinks their parent is the problem has nowhere to go. 09:57.767 --> 10:08.075 [SPEAKER_00]: But a kid who decides they're the problem, at least has a shot, at fixing it because you could be good enough, you could change your behavior, you could be a better boy, a better girl, I know. 10:08.195 --> 10:09.176 [SPEAKER_00]: It's heartbreaking. 10:09.336 --> 10:09.957 [SPEAKER_00]: It's heartbreaking. 10:10.437 --> 10:16.822 [SPEAKER_00]: So the criticism really gets swallowed, swallowed whole because, and it becomes part of how you talk to yourself. 10:17.282 --> 10:22.466 [SPEAKER_00]: And it stays there long after the person who gave it to you is gone from your life. 10:22.566 --> 10:24.007 [SPEAKER_00]: It's, I don't care if they're dead. 10:24.148 --> 10:25.369 [SPEAKER_00]: It's staying with you. 10:27.207 --> 10:30.914 [SPEAKER_00]: And firestone is not the only one who lay in here. 10:30.934 --> 10:33.560 [SPEAKER_00]: There's a lot of other research and I went and looked it up for you. 10:35.174 --> 10:42.099 [SPEAKER_00]: There's a psychology professor, Daniel Coppola-Chibli, I'll spell it right in the blog. 10:43.560 --> 10:47.063 [SPEAKER_00]: And he studies how childhood shapes adult mental health. 10:47.263 --> 11:01.034 [SPEAKER_00]: And he found that having a critical, uncaring, controlling, or abusive parent is one of the most consistent predictors of becoming a self-critical adult, self-abuse of adult. 11:01.174 --> 11:02.335 [SPEAKER_00]: That's the factor. 11:05.253 --> 11:11.235 [SPEAKER_00]: I found, I found brain imaging research backing up why the tone of voice matters, okay? 11:12.355 --> 11:17.517 [SPEAKER_00]: More than like, why that tone matters more than the content, even of what they're saying. 11:18.397 --> 11:20.198 [SPEAKER_00]: They found one study, 11:22.657 --> 11:25.159 [SPEAKER_00]: We're self-critical thinking, right? 11:25.419 --> 11:34.686 [SPEAKER_00]: Activated brain, the brain regions that were tied to threat, punishment, tied to error monitoring, you know, when you're being vigilant about your errors. 11:36.948 --> 11:38.749 [SPEAKER_00]: Okay, any critical thought, that's what it does. 11:39.090 --> 11:49.558 [SPEAKER_00]: But where they compare those to people who are having self reassuring thinking, and that activated the same regions that light up when people feel compassion for somebody else. 11:50.745 --> 11:53.790 [SPEAKER_00]: So when you have self assured thinking, you're giving yourself self compassion. 11:54.190 --> 11:58.116 [SPEAKER_00]: When you have critical thinking, all those things light up like you're abusing yourself. 11:58.376 --> 11:59.298 [SPEAKER_00]: It's really terrible. 11:59.318 --> 12:00.159 [SPEAKER_00]: There's nothing good here. 12:00.259 --> 12:05.547 [SPEAKER_00]: And again, you're proof from a cortex shuts down, the thinking part of your brain, your amygdala lights up, the fear part of your brain. 12:06.007 --> 12:10.453 [SPEAKER_00]: And you're not thinking, well, I know you think that beating yourself up is helping. 12:10.533 --> 12:13.216 [SPEAKER_00]: It's never, you are never thinking as well. 12:13.637 --> 12:16.520 [SPEAKER_00]: Being hard on yourself and being kind to yourself. 12:16.961 --> 12:18.943 [SPEAKER_00]: They're not just different moods. 12:19.324 --> 12:21.326 [SPEAKER_00]: They're literally different brain systems. 12:21.346 --> 12:22.708 [SPEAKER_00]: They're different thinking systems. 12:22.728 --> 12:24.170 [SPEAKER_00]: They're different everything systems. 12:26.827 --> 12:33.494 [SPEAKER_00]: And actually, I do want to say this too, because I grew up in this kind of house where I want to, I think this part, this gets missed. 12:33.534 --> 12:34.395 [SPEAKER_00]: Oh, my god, my earrings. 12:34.515 --> 12:34.976 [SPEAKER_00]: Can you hear them? 12:35.236 --> 12:35.476 [SPEAKER_00]: Okay. 12:35.736 --> 12:38.680 [SPEAKER_00]: The person editing my podcast is going to be like, why did you wear those earrings? 12:38.740 --> 12:40.401 [SPEAKER_00]: But I'm all about the fashion people. 12:40.481 --> 12:41.823 [SPEAKER_00]: So of course, I'm wearing the cute earrings. 12:41.883 --> 12:43.765 [SPEAKER_00]: You can see me on YouTube with my doorbell earrings. 12:43.865 --> 12:44.105 [SPEAKER_00]: Okay. 12:45.046 --> 12:49.735 [SPEAKER_00]: not every version of your internal voice sounds critical, of course, okay. 12:50.536 --> 12:52.079 [SPEAKER_00]: And I want you to lock in on this too. 12:52.880 --> 12:57.989 [SPEAKER_00]: I'm sure, or at least hoping, you've heard some positive messages too, right? 12:59.317 --> 13:00.197 [SPEAKER_00]: And some of them are great. 13:00.357 --> 13:02.438 [SPEAKER_00]: Some of them are truly just positive messages. 13:02.498 --> 13:05.220 [SPEAKER_00]: Take those to the bank, hold them dear and close to your heart. 13:05.620 --> 13:09.562 [SPEAKER_00]: But I want you to also be careful with some of those positive messages. 13:09.682 --> 13:17.465 [SPEAKER_00]: Because there are some that seem positive on the surface, but are really negative and fear-based underneath. 13:17.545 --> 13:20.546 [SPEAKER_00]: It's kind of like a red flag that looks like a green flag kind of thing. 13:21.147 --> 13:21.887 [SPEAKER_00]: So for example, 13:23.724 --> 13:31.369 [SPEAKER_00]: Firestone found that some of those internalized voices sound encouraging on the surface, right? 13:31.409 --> 13:37.713 [SPEAKER_00]: They may be they're hyping you up, telling you, you know, you're so smart, you could be anything, you're more special than everybody else in the room. 13:37.733 --> 13:45.657 [SPEAKER_00]: And as you might imagine, these can be just as harmful or even more harmful in some cases because they're really, it's so subtle. 13:45.677 --> 13:46.438 [SPEAKER_00]: You don't notice it. 13:47.878 --> 13:53.242 [SPEAKER_00]: They can be, so they can really be more harmful than the ones that are obviously mean, because think about it. 13:53.462 --> 13:59.065 [SPEAKER_00]: A voice that builds you up into something unrealistic is sending up the fall for later, right? 13:59.525 --> 14:02.907 [SPEAKER_00]: Because eventually reality doesn't match the hype probably. 14:03.307 --> 14:11.052 [SPEAKER_00]: And that's when that same voice in your head is going to flip and go after you for not living up to what, to what, to your potential. 14:11.472 --> 14:14.134 [SPEAKER_00]: I think that was written on every report card I ever got in middle school. 14:15.474 --> 14:35.623 [SPEAKER_00]: She is not living up to her potential and I got this was very much in my house We were not told we were stupid or anything I think it was the opposite it was this constant like you could be anything you know those skies a limit and it's very hard like I don't know that we can't I mean I guess could I have been a professional basketball player in the men's league? 14:35.783 --> 14:42.986 [SPEAKER_00]: I don't think so you know what I mean like I don't think that was my my negative thinking holding me back But then I'm laughing because I'm thinking of like 14:43.786 --> 15:06.049 [SPEAKER_00]: mugsie bugs if everybody knows him like a I think he's five foot eight he actually played in the professional basketball but anyway but what I was saying in the men's league you know as a woman so you know like I think there are limits sometimes and it's hard to say what those are but I think to my parents my you know immigrant 15:06.890 --> 15:11.511 [SPEAKER_00]: that immigrant mentality was like, anything can happen here in the United States kind of thing. 15:12.012 --> 15:22.154 [SPEAKER_00]: And so I don't know, you know, and I'm not saying I haven't risen way beyond what I, you know, growing up without money or, you know, like all those things, that's wonderful. 15:22.194 --> 15:32.977 [SPEAKER_00]: But I think that there was always something kind of tied up in being kind of perfect or wonderful or, you know, taking advantage of every opportunity or I was a loser. 15:33.037 --> 15:34.678 [SPEAKER_00]: You know, like there was like no middle ground. 15:35.178 --> 15:35.838 [SPEAKER_00]: That's all I'm saying. 15:35.878 --> 15:37.619 [SPEAKER_00]: So that could be what happened to you, too. 15:37.659 --> 15:43.602 [SPEAKER_00]: That maybe you had, you were getting kind of a hype that felt like, oh my gosh, I can't do all this. 15:43.702 --> 15:45.142 [SPEAKER_00]: I'm exhausted or it's too much. 15:45.642 --> 15:51.445 [SPEAKER_00]: And so there is a voice that grew out of being told you were special as a kid. 15:52.425 --> 16:01.430 [SPEAKER_00]: that you were so smart, that things should always come easy, that you could be anything you wanted if you just tried hard enough, that, no, again, nobody meant harm. 16:01.450 --> 16:08.594 [SPEAKER_00]: My parents didn't mean harm saying those things, but the first time something doesn't come easy, again, that same voice flips fast. 16:08.654 --> 16:10.014 [SPEAKER_00]: You were supposed to be the smart one. 16:10.355 --> 16:10.975 [SPEAKER_00]: What happened? 16:11.555 --> 16:13.956 [SPEAKER_00]: But you're really an idiot because you're not figuring this out. 16:14.016 --> 16:16.598 [SPEAKER_00]: That's where the voice goes in your head. 16:17.078 --> 16:17.919 [SPEAKER_00]: What's wrong with me? 16:17.999 --> 16:18.819 [SPEAKER_00]: Why can't I do this? 16:18.879 --> 16:19.479 [SPEAKER_00]: I'm so smart. 16:19.499 --> 16:20.240 [SPEAKER_00]: You know, why aren't I? 16:20.300 --> 16:26.123 [SPEAKER_00]: This is when people cheat and lie and do all kinds of stuff because they're telling, you know, we talked about this with growth versus fixed mindset too. 16:26.663 --> 16:28.364 [SPEAKER_00]: But this is part of how that all comes out. 16:28.525 --> 16:34.008 [SPEAKER_00]: So, um, so be, you might, you know, be listening going, you know, I don't know why I'm so rough on myself. 16:34.048 --> 16:36.769 [SPEAKER_00]: My parents were always so encouraging, but this might be why. 16:37.229 --> 16:42.893 [SPEAKER_00]: And it's because again, you don't have to have had a rough childhood to have any of the supply to you. 16:43.701 --> 16:43.981 [SPEAKER_00]: Right? 16:44.262 --> 16:46.984 [SPEAKER_00]: You know, and maybe it didn't even come for your parents. 16:47.025 --> 16:55.313 [SPEAKER_00]: Maybe you had a coach who ran practice drills, you know, like a drill sergeant, right? 16:55.733 --> 17:06.044 [SPEAKER_00]: Or maybe you had an ex who was always pointing out what you got wrong or a boss at a critical point in your career who. 17:07.065 --> 17:10.189 [SPEAKER_00]: You know, gave constructive feedback like a weapon kind of thing. 17:10.590 --> 17:16.257 [SPEAKER_00]: Your inner critic will generally take on the voice of whoever was loudest and most consistent. 17:16.717 --> 17:24.968 [SPEAKER_00]: So again, even if that came later and maybe you were even ill prepared for it because again, you had a family who was, you know, hype and you up all the time. 17:25.348 --> 17:37.011 [SPEAKER_00]: and then you get out in the real world or you get a job with a narcissist crazy boss and suddenly it's like, oh my gosh, and it really can hit differently, especially if it was your first job, you don't know different. 17:37.611 --> 17:51.114 [SPEAKER_00]: So, and of course, all of this leaks into your, you guessed it, relationships, if the inner critic has spent years telling you that you're too much, that you're not enough, or that you were the worst, 17:55.735 --> 17:57.356 [SPEAKER_00]: You bring that with you. 17:57.716 --> 17:58.556 [SPEAKER_00]: Of course you do. 17:59.597 --> 18:05.780 [SPEAKER_00]: You know, you get a slow text back and you're like, oh, that's proof. 18:05.880 --> 18:08.201 [SPEAKER_00]: They don't, they don't love me as much as I love them, right? 18:08.681 --> 18:11.042 [SPEAKER_00]: Maybe you're the one always bracing for the other shoe to draw. 18:11.142 --> 18:14.123 [SPEAKER_00]: Maybe you apologize for things you shouldn't be apologizing for. 18:14.143 --> 18:16.104 [SPEAKER_00]: I thought, it makes me crazy. 18:16.144 --> 18:16.784 [SPEAKER_00]: I still do it. 18:17.365 --> 18:17.685 [SPEAKER_00]: Sorry. 18:17.945 --> 18:18.225 [SPEAKER_00]: Sorry. 18:18.245 --> 18:20.026 [SPEAKER_00]: It's like the first words out of my mouth sometimes. 18:20.146 --> 18:22.347 [SPEAKER_00]: It's like, what am I apologizing for into anything? 18:23.783 --> 18:31.229 [SPEAKER_00]: So the inner critic doesn't just make you miserable when you're alone, in the shower, talking to you and when you're in the shower. 18:31.910 --> 18:37.114 [SPEAKER_00]: I'm telling you that inner critic, it's sitting in on every conversation you have with the people you love. 18:37.715 --> 18:45.681 [SPEAKER_00]: And it's either consciously or unconsciously driving so many of your thoughts, your conversations, your actions, I'm telling you, it's happening. 18:46.181 --> 18:46.422 [SPEAKER_00]: Okay. 18:47.563 --> 18:47.743 [SPEAKER_00]: So 18:49.473 --> 18:50.414 [SPEAKER_00]: Oh, let's go there. 18:50.514 --> 18:52.496 [SPEAKER_00]: So let's answer this. 18:52.676 --> 18:54.517 [SPEAKER_00]: Where else does this voice show up? 18:54.757 --> 19:01.823 [SPEAKER_00]: Okay, because again, that inner critic shows up in every relationship you have as a job, on the job as a parent. 19:02.584 --> 19:05.206 [SPEAKER_00]: Ooh, that thing was nasty to me as a parent. 19:05.947 --> 19:08.989 [SPEAKER_00]: As a sibling, as a friend, I mean, everywhere. 19:09.109 --> 19:13.513 [SPEAKER_00]: And the worst is I think how it shows up, of course, in your relationship with yourself, right? 19:13.553 --> 19:17.876 [SPEAKER_00]: Cause lucky you, has it running, you know, has that running commentary on every decision you make? 19:19.586 --> 19:27.408 [SPEAKER_00]: Yeah, you know, you pick a restaurant and oh, wrong one, bad restaurant, you know, you decide it between two jobs and within a week. 19:27.648 --> 19:29.708 [SPEAKER_00]: You always should have picked the other one, right? 19:30.208 --> 19:39.031 [SPEAKER_00]: You set before you sent a text, you you read or maybe you sent it already and you reread it 27 times looking for the thing you said, oh, did I said that way, 19:49.853 --> 19:57.955 [SPEAKER_00]: I've seen it show up a lot with people with my clients with their friends, you know, it shows up like as the reason you don't reach out. 19:58.955 --> 20:04.256 [SPEAKER_00]: You tell yourself, oh well they're busy or they'd have texted first if they really want to hang out with me. 20:04.796 --> 20:08.737 [SPEAKER_00]: Or I, oh god, I'm too much to be invited out twice in one month. 20:08.817 --> 20:09.417 [SPEAKER_00]: Something like that. 20:09.517 --> 20:13.457 [SPEAKER_00]: I've literally a client said to me, well we already I already went out with that friend, you know, this month. 20:13.837 --> 20:15.278 [SPEAKER_00]: They were counting out in the calendar. 20:15.598 --> 20:16.158 [SPEAKER_00]: Are you kidding me? 20:16.878 --> 20:26.376 [SPEAKER_00]: All of this is your inner critical voice trying to protect you from rejection because of course you can't get rejected if you never take a risk, right? 20:29.148 --> 20:30.188 [SPEAKER_00]: it shows up with family. 20:30.228 --> 20:35.450 [SPEAKER_00]: I would say there probably gets a little sneakier because that's probably where it got installed as we like to say, right? 20:36.471 --> 20:51.036 [SPEAKER_00]: Sometimes your inner critic is literally a family member's voice, so you might hear your mother's exact tone come out of your own mouth when you mess up a recipe or something or find yourself criticizing your brother. 20:53.570 --> 21:00.934 [SPEAKER_00]: And I can remember, I still remember this, I caught Max, my wonderful Max when he was like, I don't know, seven years old, I caught him in a lie. 21:01.935 --> 21:14.962 [SPEAKER_00]: And, oh my gosh, the snide, Iki reproached that came out of my mouth was word for word, something, my mother would have said to me, what had said to me when I was a kid, and she caught me lying. 21:15.282 --> 21:20.825 [SPEAKER_00]: And it, oh, talk about the knife to the heart, you're like, oh my gosh, I've become that person. 21:22.993 --> 21:24.974 [SPEAKER_00]: I think we've all been there. 21:25.474 --> 21:36.258 [SPEAKER_00]: In a romantic relationship, as I mentioned, it's, you know, it's the loudest to yourself and in a romantic relationship, because, you know, romantic relationship, that's where you're the most vulnerable. 21:36.699 --> 21:38.639 [SPEAKER_00]: It's where the stakes are the highest for you. 21:39.020 --> 21:46.943 [SPEAKER_00]: So you go looking, of course, for proof of your partner a lot, not loving you, or not loving you the right way, tent. 21:47.723 --> 21:49.204 [SPEAKER_00]: Curse the love language is yet again. 21:50.204 --> 21:54.286 [SPEAKER_00]: Or you feel insecure in an otherwise healthy relationship. 21:54.306 --> 21:55.447 [SPEAKER_00]: Hello, I see you. 21:55.967 --> 22:02.270 [SPEAKER_00]: Or you ask for constant reassurance because that voice is telling you all the time how unlovable you really are. 22:02.850 --> 22:03.570 [SPEAKER_00]: Whatever that is. 22:04.251 --> 22:06.251 [SPEAKER_00]: And there's a lot of research on this as you might imagine. 22:06.291 --> 22:12.894 [SPEAKER_00]: I went and looked and here's, I want to say this well as I always do. 22:13.034 --> 22:13.135 [SPEAKER_00]: So 22:16.898 --> 22:35.149 [SPEAKER_00]: Is that, well, okay, so while self, self criticism doesn't directly make your partner feel less loved, okay, so, all right, that makes sense, but it does diminish the benefit of getting close in the first place because it. 22:36.370 --> 22:44.756 [SPEAKER_00]: If you're a self-critical person, you are holding back the exact things that make closeness work because you're not sharing what's really going on. 22:45.356 --> 22:48.258 [SPEAKER_00]: You're not asking for support when you really need it. 22:49.299 --> 22:51.861 [SPEAKER_00]: You're not letting your positive feeling show God forbid. 22:52.481 --> 22:57.502 [SPEAKER_00]: You know, because you're so busy waiting for the other shoe to drop or how crappy you are, you don't deserve it or I don't even know what. 22:57.882 --> 23:17.485 [SPEAKER_00]: So the relationship and sometimes they get closer on paper, maybe, but it doesn't feel closer to you because your inner critic critic has been like managing and curating you yourself instead of just showing the real you instead of just letting yourself be there. 23:22.080 --> 23:22.520 [SPEAKER_00]: all the time. 23:23.380 --> 23:23.620 [SPEAKER_00]: Okay. 23:26.381 --> 23:36.203 [SPEAKER_00]: Now I want to talk about, and these are four ways to know if it's your inner critic or healthy self reflection, right? 23:36.843 --> 23:39.584 [SPEAKER_00]: So, because that's the question I get asked 23:45.312 --> 23:46.033 [SPEAKER_00]: you thinking. 23:46.233 --> 23:53.601 [SPEAKER_00]: Again, I get that that's the kind of question I get asked the most people are like, well, how do I know it's me or which voice it is, so to speak. 23:54.081 --> 24:07.555 [SPEAKER_00]: So yeah, sometimes you did mess up in a little self-correction is fabulous, but you've got to be able to tell the difference between that inner critics voice, which is not your voice and your own true, you 24:08.296 --> 24:11.777 [SPEAKER_00]: inner being, higher self, whatever the words are, speaking to you, okay? 24:11.797 --> 24:13.517 [SPEAKER_00]: And there's four ways you can tell. 24:14.038 --> 24:14.898 [SPEAKER_00]: Take these to the back. 24:15.318 --> 24:15.938 [SPEAKER_00]: These are the ones. 24:16.358 --> 24:24.900 [SPEAKER_00]: And by the way, again, if you don't want to take notes if you're listening and you're driving or doing something, again, I write a full blog post for every, I've been doing it for all these years. 24:25.000 --> 24:30.682 [SPEAKER_00]: I still do it so that you, you can copy and paste from the blog if you want, they're done. 24:31.222 --> 24:36.923 [SPEAKER_00]: If you get the therapy to go bundle, I include a copy of the blog with it, so like it's all like a little learning package. 24:37.603 --> 24:43.544 [SPEAKER_00]: We'll talk about what's in the bundle later and the free download for today, but anyway, just letting you know, because I love you. 24:43.724 --> 24:44.224 [SPEAKER_00]: It's all there. 24:44.425 --> 24:47.465 [SPEAKER_00]: Anyway, so four ways to know here are four ways. 24:47.705 --> 24:50.966 [SPEAKER_00]: Is it is it my inner critic or is it my quote unquote real voice? 24:51.946 --> 24:56.967 [SPEAKER_00]: The first is that it uses always and never you you're going to find it real. 24:58.462 --> 25:03.264 [SPEAKER_00]: real self assessment is specific, not universal. 25:04.324 --> 25:06.105 [SPEAKER_00]: I was late to that meeting again. 25:06.125 --> 25:07.405 [SPEAKER_00]: That's good information. 25:07.825 --> 25:08.845 [SPEAKER_00]: You're always late. 25:09.006 --> 25:11.166 [SPEAKER_00]: You can never get your act together, right? 25:11.306 --> 25:12.027 [SPEAKER_00]: That's an orcritic. 25:12.567 --> 25:16.008 [SPEAKER_00]: Because, you know, your behavior is really 25:18.321 --> 25:21.282 [SPEAKER_00]: Always or never or anything, you know, let's get real. 25:21.342 --> 25:22.743 [SPEAKER_00]: You're, that's crazy. 25:23.863 --> 25:26.324 [SPEAKER_00]: You know, sometimes you get it right or get it wrong. 25:26.344 --> 25:27.424 [SPEAKER_00]: You know, that's just how it goes. 25:28.084 --> 25:30.685 [SPEAKER_00]: So that always or never, as soon as you hear that, boom. 25:31.585 --> 25:34.947 [SPEAKER_00]: The second thing is it has a tone, not just content. 25:35.147 --> 25:47.991 [SPEAKER_00]: So if you can hear it in a specific Kate person's cadence, maybe the exact way your dad said unbelievable, you know, or the way your mom said your name when you were in trouble, maybe that was your full name. 25:48.511 --> 25:57.856 [SPEAKER_00]: or how your ex said your name when they were disappointed, that's a strong sign you're hearing an old recording, not a new thought. 25:57.976 --> 25:59.937 [SPEAKER_00]: And you know the example I always give, right? 26:00.397 --> 26:04.259 [SPEAKER_00]: It's something your inner critic is saying, why did you do that? 26:05.279 --> 26:06.060 [SPEAKER_00]: Why did you do that? 26:06.140 --> 26:07.500 [SPEAKER_00]: Why did I do that? 26:07.540 --> 26:08.161 [SPEAKER_00]: Why did you do that? 26:08.801 --> 26:16.425 [SPEAKER_00]: But healthy self reflection is more like, oh, huh, why did I do that? 26:17.500 --> 26:18.121 [SPEAKER_00]: very different. 26:18.661 --> 26:19.242 [SPEAKER_00]: Very different. 26:20.923 --> 26:24.947 [SPEAKER_00]: The third way you know is that it shows up before you've had time to think. 26:25.187 --> 26:29.430 [SPEAKER_00]: Real reflection takes a beat like just now like, huh, why did I do that? 26:29.490 --> 26:31.012 [SPEAKER_00]: You know, it takes a beat. 26:31.432 --> 26:34.195 [SPEAKER_00]: But that your inner critics' voice is instant. 26:34.375 --> 26:39.139 [SPEAKER_00]: If you pay attention, you'll notice it's already talking before you've even finished doing the thing. 26:39.159 --> 26:39.819 [SPEAKER_00]: It's criticized. 26:41.320 --> 26:48.307 [SPEAKER_00]: which means, of course, that it's not responding to what happened, it's just doing what it always does regardless of what happens. 26:48.387 --> 26:49.007 [SPEAKER_00]: That's how you know. 26:49.888 --> 26:55.694 [SPEAKER_00]: And the fourth thing I was looking for is that it ends in a verdict, not a next step. 26:56.655 --> 27:01.720 [SPEAKER_00]: Useful self-correction, it points somewhere. 27:02.774 --> 27:03.014 [SPEAKER_00]: right? 27:03.094 --> 27:04.275 [SPEAKER_00]: It points you somewhere. 27:05.355 --> 27:06.136 [SPEAKER_00]: Apologize. 27:06.256 --> 27:06.936 [SPEAKER_00]: Try again. 27:07.036 --> 27:08.237 [SPEAKER_00]: Do it different next time. 27:08.757 --> 27:14.780 [SPEAKER_00]: Your inner critic, it just hands down a life sentence about who you are and it just stops right there. 27:17.281 --> 27:23.305 [SPEAKER_00]: So it's, you know, your inner reflection, your self reflection would be like, oh, oh, oh, oh, I mess that up. 27:23.425 --> 27:25.526 [SPEAKER_00]: You know, next time I'll do X instead. 27:26.046 --> 27:26.506 [SPEAKER_00]: There you go. 27:27.066 --> 27:29.528 [SPEAKER_00]: Your inner critic is like you are such an idiot. 27:29.568 --> 27:29.908 [SPEAKER_00]: You're just 27:32.991 --> 27:34.613 [SPEAKER_00]: Right, something, yeah, I know. 27:34.914 --> 27:36.616 [SPEAKER_00]: Okay, so how do you get it to shut up? 27:37.969 --> 27:39.150 [SPEAKER_00]: How do you get this voice to shut up? 27:39.870 --> 27:44.273 [SPEAKER_00]: As I said earlier, I gave you a lot of tools and processes in the previous episodes. 27:44.374 --> 27:46.035 [SPEAKER_00]: And I don't think you should skip those debt. 27:46.075 --> 27:50.718 [SPEAKER_00]: If this is an issue for you, go back, listen, read the blog, whatever you wanna do. 27:51.298 --> 27:58.243 [SPEAKER_00]: But I'm gonna give you a two-step process for today where you give it a name that isn't yours and I'm gonna talk about that specifically though. 27:58.343 --> 28:03.167 [SPEAKER_00]: And then you talk back to it like a person instead of like a thought. 28:05.242 --> 28:08.724 [SPEAKER_00]: Yeah, you got me was not a cute little noise, okay. 28:08.844 --> 28:09.244 [SPEAKER_00]: There you go. 28:09.344 --> 28:09.624 [SPEAKER_00]: All right. 28:09.725 --> 28:10.965 [SPEAKER_00]: Get in the cute little noise today too. 28:11.445 --> 28:12.246 [SPEAKER_00]: So it's two steps. 28:12.366 --> 28:13.787 [SPEAKER_00]: It's simple, but highly effective. 28:13.807 --> 28:14.707 [SPEAKER_00]: And I'm not saying it's easy. 28:14.787 --> 28:17.309 [SPEAKER_00]: I always say, right, we say the program is simple, but it's not easy. 28:17.629 --> 28:18.910 [SPEAKER_00]: That happens a lot with what I teach. 28:18.990 --> 28:26.234 [SPEAKER_00]: But so I've talked about naming it before and you've probably heard about this tool from somebody else people are not, I didn't invent it. 28:26.974 --> 28:28.435 [SPEAKER_00]: But this is different. 28:29.855 --> 28:31.516 [SPEAKER_00]: And it's, I think it's different away. 28:31.576 --> 28:32.756 [SPEAKER_00]: My clients have found effective. 28:32.956 --> 28:34.177 [SPEAKER_00]: I've found a more effective. 28:34.237 --> 28:39.439 [SPEAKER_00]: So, and again, because I love you, the free download for today will walk you through the process. 28:39.459 --> 28:40.099 [SPEAKER_00]: And I'm gonna give you. 28:40.159 --> 28:41.840 [SPEAKER_00]: So if you want that, you can come get it. 28:41.920 --> 28:45.101 [SPEAKER_00]: Again, I'm below the video or on the website, you know, find this episode. 28:45.121 --> 28:45.661 [SPEAKER_00]: It's right there. 28:46.162 --> 28:46.702 [SPEAKER_00]: But let's do it. 28:46.882 --> 28:49.343 [SPEAKER_00]: So step one is name it, okay? 28:49.543 --> 28:51.104 [SPEAKER_00]: But again, we're gonna do a little different today. 28:52.604 --> 28:57.886 [SPEAKER_00]: And I'm gonna start with how I deal with my own inocratic, let's have a therapy session for Abbey today. 28:58.046 --> 28:58.807 [SPEAKER_00]: Okay, let's just do it. 28:59.876 --> 29:05.022 [SPEAKER_00]: So I used to call, and you maybe even heard me say it. 29:05.162 --> 29:07.385 [SPEAKER_00]: I used to call that inner kind of critical voice. 29:07.545 --> 29:08.907 [SPEAKER_00]: I used to call her the diva. 29:09.627 --> 29:14.213 [SPEAKER_00]: So I would notice the voice, my little inner critic, and I'd say something like, oh, there she goes again. 29:14.233 --> 29:15.574 [SPEAKER_00]: There goes the diva again. 29:15.775 --> 29:17.096 [SPEAKER_00]: Oh, come on diva, right? 29:18.168 --> 29:19.729 [SPEAKER_00]: But I was really polite with her. 29:20.289 --> 29:27.911 [SPEAKER_00]: And I was too polite, it turns out, which resulted in my, I really never shifted fully from how I felt inside. 29:28.351 --> 29:29.772 [SPEAKER_00]: So it didn't work long term. 29:30.512 --> 29:38.834 [SPEAKER_00]: And I didn't realize how much better something else could work until I think it was like two years ago now, something like that. 29:38.934 --> 29:41.055 [SPEAKER_00]: I think it'll be two years because it was right around the holidays. 29:41.115 --> 29:42.775 [SPEAKER_00]: So we're coming up on the holidays. 29:42.815 --> 29:44.176 [SPEAKER_00]: So here in the States, 29:44.858 --> 29:45.999 [SPEAKER_00]: So here's the story, ready? 29:46.019 --> 29:46.639 [SPEAKER_00]: I'm gonna give it to you. 29:46.659 --> 29:47.520 [SPEAKER_00]: You're gonna get the whole thing. 29:48.420 --> 29:50.822 [SPEAKER_00]: And it's gonna, and the reason I'm giving you the story is it'll make sense. 29:51.062 --> 29:53.163 [SPEAKER_00]: So I was at this big dinner party. 29:53.263 --> 29:58.566 [SPEAKER_00]: So picture, you know, one of those big long tables and where everybody's, you know, and everybody was seated, right? 29:59.107 --> 30:01.148 [SPEAKER_00]: And I was across from a man named Chuck. 30:01.388 --> 30:05.070 [SPEAKER_00]: Yes, I'm not changing his name to protect the innocent because he's not innocent. 30:05.230 --> 30:06.131 [SPEAKER_00]: Chuck, this is you. 30:07.592 --> 30:10.253 [SPEAKER_00]: I say with as much love as I can muster still about Chuck. 30:10.914 --> 30:12.395 [SPEAKER_00]: Chuck was that guy. 30:13.215 --> 30:15.937 [SPEAKER_00]: who loved the sound of his own voice. 30:15.977 --> 30:22.201 [SPEAKER_00]: You know you do Chuck and he liked to hear it a lot and I will tell you that Chuck was quite misogynistic 30:23.380 --> 30:26.642 [SPEAKER_00]: He was, he was calling women girls a lot. 30:27.423 --> 30:32.386 [SPEAKER_00]: I tried to correct it suddenly a few times and saying how they shouldn't dress a certain way at the gym. 30:32.786 --> 30:37.649 [SPEAKER_00]: He was talking about the gym and how women dress and they shouldn't do that unless they want to be attacked. 30:37.969 --> 30:39.450 [SPEAKER_00]: Yeah, he was literally saying things like that. 30:39.910 --> 30:49.857 [SPEAKER_00]: Oh, and he was also really homophobic because he was talking about how what like these gay guys at the gym, men he assumed were gay at the gym, kept staring at him and I will tell you 30:51.039 --> 30:52.584 [SPEAKER_00]: The game and I know have better taste. 30:52.905 --> 30:58.221 [SPEAKER_00]: So it's my assumption they were laughing at him, not staring, not trying to hit on him, but I digress. 30:58.361 --> 30:58.602 [SPEAKER_00]: Okay. 30:59.358 --> 31:02.061 [SPEAKER_00]: So Chuck was an expert on everything. 31:02.161 --> 31:04.083 [SPEAKER_00]: You know this guy, everyone has a chuck in their life. 31:04.423 --> 31:05.184 [SPEAKER_00]: Expert in everything. 31:05.324 --> 31:10.990 [SPEAKER_00]: And when the conversation was going on and on, and somehow I got to suicide, don't know. 31:11.130 --> 31:11.370 [SPEAKER_00]: I know. 31:11.991 --> 31:14.714 [SPEAKER_00]: I was kind of just eating the food was really good. 31:14.774 --> 31:15.855 [SPEAKER_00]: And I was eating my food. 31:15.955 --> 31:18.257 [SPEAKER_00]: And I was trying to tune Chuck out and it was hard. 31:18.557 --> 31:18.818 [SPEAKER_00]: Okay? 31:19.578 --> 31:22.481 [SPEAKER_00]: So he was really dominating my section of the table. 31:23.428 --> 31:30.712 [SPEAKER_00]: And the conversation, as somebody brought up Robin Williams's suicide, again, I don't remember how they came about, but it did. 31:31.232 --> 31:46.980 [SPEAKER_00]: And Chuck Dolvin, about how selfish he was to kill himself, he called Robin Williams names, how horrible a human he must have been, how he himself Chuck would never do something like that on and on went Chuck. 31:47.640 --> 31:48.781 [SPEAKER_00]: And I was just quiet. 31:48.961 --> 31:56.888 [SPEAKER_00]: I like didn't want to go there, but somebody said this woman, I know, who's also, I think, is annoyed as me. 31:56.908 --> 31:59.411 [SPEAKER_00]: I was looking for someone to save us all from Chuck. 31:59.931 --> 32:04.155 [SPEAKER_00]: She said, she goes, well, Abby, you're the psychologist at the table. 32:04.495 --> 32:05.956 [SPEAKER_00]: What do you think about all this? 32:05.996 --> 32:09.900 [SPEAKER_00]: And I, of course, came for a look and she was looking at me like, come on, please, okay. 32:11.067 --> 32:14.854 [SPEAKER_00]: And Chuck's he actually shut up and stared for a minute. 32:15.134 --> 32:22.427 [SPEAKER_00]: He was clearly a little unhinged that a girl with real knowledge and experience in this topic was sitting in such close proximity at the table. 32:23.692 --> 32:26.333 [SPEAKER_00]: And normally I have so much grace. 32:26.534 --> 32:27.814 [SPEAKER_00]: I really do I swear. 32:27.834 --> 32:30.356 [SPEAKER_00]: I practice what I preach normally. 32:30.556 --> 32:40.561 [SPEAKER_00]: I would, if I, you know, people say things, I try to gently, unless someone is being outright homophobic, racist, anti-Semitic, something, you know, super misogynistic. 32:41.061 --> 32:42.282 [SPEAKER_00]: I generally try to be very, 32:44.043 --> 32:46.684 [SPEAKER_00]: kind and, and, you know, lead. 32:46.904 --> 32:48.304 [SPEAKER_00]: Anyway, I was not, okay. 32:48.864 --> 32:53.725 [SPEAKER_00]: I was not gentle, you know, if when I'm just screaming with someone publicly, I try to be gentle. 32:54.085 --> 32:54.905 [SPEAKER_00]: No, I'd had it. 32:55.725 --> 32:56.746 [SPEAKER_00]: I'd had to listen to Chuck. 32:57.026 --> 32:58.746 [SPEAKER_00]: It was about three hours by this point, all right? 32:58.766 --> 32:59.226 [SPEAKER_00]: It was along. 32:59.246 --> 33:01.827 [SPEAKER_00]: We had, you know, it was a long time we were sitting there. 33:02.727 --> 33:04.087 [SPEAKER_00]: And I was kind of over it. 33:04.227 --> 33:11.369 [SPEAKER_00]: So I said something to the fact of, well, it's easy to say things like he's selfish Chuck when you don't understand severe 33:13.772 --> 33:18.014 [SPEAKER_00]: Uh, and then I don't know what I, you know, I said something like suicide isn't about selfishness. 33:18.094 --> 33:21.036 [SPEAKER_00]: It's about, you know, mental illness, you know, it's mental illness. 33:21.076 --> 33:29.841 [SPEAKER_00]: It's like judging someone's suicide is selfish, just like judging somebody who has a heart attack for scaring everyone at the table, you know what I mean? 33:30.221 --> 33:37.145 [SPEAKER_00]: It's, they're hard to stop because they were being inconsiderate and depression doesn't kill someone because they were being selfish, right? 33:37.805 --> 33:39.346 [SPEAKER_00]: So I, I said something like that. 33:39.926 --> 33:45.028 [SPEAKER_00]: And Chuck, he blustered for a moment, but my withering glance, oh, I had the withering glance. 33:45.189 --> 33:45.949 [SPEAKER_00]: Oh, you know, I did. 33:46.109 --> 33:46.829 [SPEAKER_00]: It kept him quiet. 33:46.969 --> 33:53.573 [SPEAKER_00]: And now again, I don't usually act this way, but I just found him so supremely distasteful. 33:53.653 --> 33:56.074 [SPEAKER_00]: And I think I had zero respect for him. 33:56.094 --> 33:57.534 [SPEAKER_00]: Yeah, I kind of hated them. 33:57.674 --> 33:58.055 [SPEAKER_00]: I said it. 33:59.055 --> 33:59.836 [SPEAKER_00]: I don't know. 34:00.036 --> 34:12.692 [SPEAKER_00]: I was, you know, the United States is in a scary place and I just, I don't know, Chuck was like somehow everything I don't like about the politics of where I am living right now. 34:12.992 --> 34:13.893 [SPEAKER_00]: So let's say that. 34:14.614 --> 34:14.854 [SPEAKER_00]: So, 34:15.928 --> 34:18.390 [SPEAKER_00]: and really soon after this whole thing. 34:18.870 --> 34:21.492 [SPEAKER_00]: It was, I don't know how it happened, but it popped in my mind. 34:21.712 --> 34:27.937 [SPEAKER_00]: I started calling my inner critic Chuck instead of Diva, and I need to tell you the results were impressive. 34:28.517 --> 34:30.859 [SPEAKER_00]: Because name me my inner critic Chuck, 34:31.922 --> 34:39.307 [SPEAKER_00]: was brilliant because I could so much more easily dismiss anything my inner critic said. 34:39.427 --> 34:41.208 [SPEAKER_00]: I mean Chuck is an idiot. 34:41.248 --> 34:42.149 [SPEAKER_00]: He's an asshole. 34:42.629 --> 34:52.896 [SPEAKER_00]: So now if my inner critical voice says something like, you shouldn't have done it that way, I can picture Chuck saying it and it's so easy to not only 34:57.947 --> 34:59.729 [SPEAKER_00]: annoyed with Chuck. 34:59.829 --> 35:01.710 [SPEAKER_00]: Oh, shut up and sit down, Chuck, right? 35:02.030 --> 35:08.336 [SPEAKER_00]: When I spoke to my diva, the diva, I would say, okay, all as well, you don't need to help me right now. 35:08.416 --> 35:09.917 [SPEAKER_00]: Thank you anyway, diva, right? 35:10.357 --> 35:12.879 [SPEAKER_00]: But Chuck, I tell him to shut the F up. 35:13.019 --> 35:15.041 [SPEAKER_00]: I'm like shut up and sit down. 35:15.481 --> 35:19.084 [SPEAKER_00]: I give, I give Chuck internally that same withering glance. 35:19.224 --> 35:20.305 [SPEAKER_00]: I gave him at the dinner table. 35:20.726 --> 35:21.746 [SPEAKER_00]: So it is so much 35:24.903 --> 35:30.768 [SPEAKER_00]: dismissing it, like, so it's so out of bounds to me, that's what it is. 35:31.028 --> 35:33.070 [SPEAKER_00]: And I'm able to really close the door. 35:33.190 --> 35:33.950 [SPEAKER_00]: So I'm gonna say this. 35:34.111 --> 35:42.978 [SPEAKER_00]: If you're a woman listening, maybe think of giving your inner critic a particular male's name that you can easily dismiss. 35:43.018 --> 35:48.142 [SPEAKER_00]: This is someone that you have no respect for that you're just like, oh, please, I can't, right? 35:48.302 --> 35:49.063 [SPEAKER_00]: Like I can't with Chuck. 35:49.563 --> 35:50.064 [SPEAKER_00]: Now if you're, 35:50.695 --> 35:55.076 [SPEAKER_00]: a male listening to this and Chuck doesn't land for you, but maybe it does. 35:55.216 --> 35:59.278 [SPEAKER_00]: I don't want to thank Chuck and land for you because it could, could be that same thing. 35:59.698 --> 36:11.982 [SPEAKER_00]: But maybe your inner critic sounds like a coach who ran you into the ground or an older brother who never let up or a boss, you know, whose voice you can still hear, you know, 15 years later. 36:14.370 --> 36:18.752 [SPEAKER_00]: Here's why naming it works, even though I know it sounds a little like a party trick. 36:19.332 --> 36:37.559 [SPEAKER_00]: Again, the second you name the voice you've separated it from you, it's not my thoughts anymore, it's Chuck's opinion and Chuck is definitely not the boss of me, so and you can be irritated with Chuck without believing a word he says, but you can't be irritated with yourself the same way because you already believe yourself by default. 36:38.457 --> 36:38.977 [SPEAKER_00]: somewhere. 36:38.997 --> 36:44.039 [SPEAKER_00]: So okay, so you're going to try to name it, but you're going to name it a little differently, okay, a little differently. 36:44.419 --> 36:45.599 [SPEAKER_00]: Again, then I want to say this too. 36:46.119 --> 36:57.703 [SPEAKER_00]: I have lots of clients were when I talked to them about their inner critic, we we name it something and I talk about embracing their, you know, loving that inner critic who's trying to protect them and I talked about that in previous episodes. 36:57.883 --> 36:59.584 [SPEAKER_00]: I'm not I'm not going back on that. 37:00.364 --> 37:02.045 [SPEAKER_00]: If that works for you, keep it. 37:02.585 --> 37:05.267 [SPEAKER_00]: My problem was, it wasn't working for me anymore. 37:05.287 --> 37:06.788 [SPEAKER_00]: It wasn't working for me long term. 37:06.908 --> 37:09.629 [SPEAKER_00]: And doing this change made the switch I needed. 37:10.089 --> 37:13.571 [SPEAKER_00]: And at some point, I might need to switch back to the loving embrace, I don't know. 37:13.991 --> 37:16.033 [SPEAKER_00]: But today in my life, I need Chuck. 37:16.553 --> 37:22.476 [SPEAKER_00]: So, you know, if one of the other things works for you, great, keep doing it, then if it's working, you're probably not listening. 37:22.636 --> 37:24.857 [SPEAKER_00]: So, anyway, but you see where I'm going here? 37:24.977 --> 37:28.019 [SPEAKER_00]: It's always about having multiple tools in your toolkit 37:29.760 --> 37:33.645 [SPEAKER_00]: Number one, not obviously not everything works for everybody, of course not, we're all different. 37:33.765 --> 37:39.492 [SPEAKER_00]: And number two, something can work for a while and stop working because of life circumstances changing or people coming in the out of your life. 37:39.892 --> 37:42.756 [SPEAKER_00]: So I want you to have choices, right? 37:42.796 --> 37:44.638 [SPEAKER_00]: I want you to have lots of things to choose from. 37:45.018 --> 37:45.278 [SPEAKER_00]: All right. 37:46.278 --> 37:49.021 [SPEAKER_00]: Now we get step two, you have to answer a back. 37:49.061 --> 37:50.162 [SPEAKER_00]: You're not just avoiding it. 37:50.182 --> 37:53.925 [SPEAKER_00]: You're answering it back because naming your inner critic is that's half the job. 37:54.706 --> 38:02.012 [SPEAKER_00]: Firestone's original method did not stop at naming the voice because you also need to answer the voice. 38:02.072 --> 38:03.293 [SPEAKER_00]: Again, not just avoid it. 38:03.333 --> 38:07.757 [SPEAKER_00]: That's why his head too, and that's why I'm taking it because he was brilliant. 38:08.358 --> 38:08.959 [SPEAKER_00]: He had it. 38:10.423 --> 38:15.705 [SPEAKER_00]: His original method had you talk back to that voice in your own words from your own point of view. 38:16.425 --> 38:18.165 [SPEAKER_00]: And again, say what's actually true. 38:18.746 --> 38:20.286 [SPEAKER_00]: So that's what we're going to eat. 38:20.326 --> 38:24.627 [SPEAKER_00]: So after you dismiss Chuck, you got to finish the job is basically it. 38:25.228 --> 38:30.209 [SPEAKER_00]: If Chuck says you always mess this up, you don't get to just roll your eyes and move on. 38:31.770 --> 38:36.311 [SPEAKER_00]: You want to say something like, and out loud, if you can do it, out loud is fabulous. 38:36.411 --> 38:38.332 [SPEAKER_00]: I speak out loud to my inner critic a lot. 38:40.072 --> 38:43.053 [SPEAKER_00]: you know, saying like, yeah, Chuck, I've messed up plenty of things. 38:43.393 --> 38:44.773 [SPEAKER_00]: I've also got plenty of things right. 38:44.833 --> 38:45.614 [SPEAKER_00]: Thank you very much. 38:45.774 --> 38:49.195 [SPEAKER_00]: So this is just, you know, this is just another imperfect day for me. 38:51.035 --> 38:53.216 [SPEAKER_00]: It, and that's not toxic positivity. 38:53.236 --> 38:54.716 [SPEAKER_00]: That's accuracy, right? 38:54.816 --> 38:56.517 [SPEAKER_00]: That's what's real, because that's true. 38:58.122 --> 39:01.723 [SPEAKER_00]: And I've had a client do this with a parent's voice specifically. 39:03.543 --> 39:15.286 [SPEAKER_00]: I'm thinking of one client, especially we worked with realizing, you know, during our work, she realized that the voice that told her she was too sensitive. 39:15.506 --> 39:17.426 [SPEAKER_00]: She got that a lot that she was too sensitive. 39:18.046 --> 39:19.587 [SPEAKER_00]: Every time she brought up her problem, 39:22.011 --> 39:23.952 [SPEAKER_00]: She and her sister were really close and they live together. 39:24.473 --> 39:30.676 [SPEAKER_00]: And every time she brought up her problem with her sister, she would hear her mother's voice, word for word, word for word, down to the exact tone. 39:31.557 --> 39:38.521 [SPEAKER_00]: And so she started naming it, her mom's voice, her, in my case, it would have been June's voice for my mom's name was June. 39:38.581 --> 39:39.302 [SPEAKER_00]: So it was like that. 39:39.802 --> 39:43.525 [SPEAKER_00]: So instead of believing it was her own judgment, right? 39:43.605 --> 39:47.008 [SPEAKER_00]: She would be like, oh, oh, June's voice, hello, June. 39:47.248 --> 39:48.709 [SPEAKER_00]: No, sweetie, you know, nope. 39:50.250 --> 39:52.812 [SPEAKER_00]: And then she'd answer back to her mom. 39:53.933 --> 39:55.554 [SPEAKER_00]: Mom, I am not too sensitive. 39:55.855 --> 39:59.658 [SPEAKER_00]: I'm someone who notices when something's wrong, and that's allowed to matter. 40:00.378 --> 40:05.502 [SPEAKER_00]: And it's a little angry, it's a little, it's a little that kid pushing back, and that's okay, taking a stand 40:09.205 --> 40:17.891 [SPEAKER_00]: It takes a little while to make this an automatic habit, but if you stick with it, you are going to see that it works. 40:17.911 --> 40:20.613 [SPEAKER_00]: And I'm going to give you just a few more examples. 40:21.474 --> 40:31.000 [SPEAKER_00]: So if your inner critic sounds like a strict teacher, that's when that's come up a lot with my clients, you know, it can be, hey, thanks, Mr. Davies. 40:31.620 --> 40:34.522 [SPEAKER_00]: I turned it in and it's not perfect, but it's done, right? 40:36.063 --> 40:39.144 [SPEAKER_00]: If it sounds like a competitive older sibling, I get that one a lot. 40:39.604 --> 40:41.825 [SPEAKER_00]: You know, thanks, Danny. 40:42.365 --> 40:43.106 [SPEAKER_00]: I'm not behind. 40:43.146 --> 40:44.126 [SPEAKER_00]: I'm exactly where I am. 40:44.166 --> 40:44.666 [SPEAKER_00]: I'm good here. 40:44.866 --> 40:45.426 [SPEAKER_00]: I'm all good. 40:46.507 --> 40:54.709 [SPEAKER_00]: And if it's just your own anxiety dressed up as caution, you know, thanks Chuck, I've handled harder than this before. 40:54.930 --> 40:55.970 [SPEAKER_00]: You don't need to worry about this. 40:56.830 --> 40:58.711 [SPEAKER_00]: The shape is always the same, right? 40:59.071 --> 41:00.752 [SPEAKER_00]: You name it, you dismiss it, 41:03.065 --> 41:07.566 [SPEAKER_00]: and say like whatever that as your name it, you kind of dismiss that voice, you get angry at that voice. 41:07.646 --> 41:13.047 [SPEAKER_00]: And then you say, but you don't avoid it, then you say the one true thing underneath, right? 41:13.507 --> 41:18.789 [SPEAKER_00]: And with all of this as you might imagine, you've got to make sure your mindfulness game is on point. 41:18.869 --> 41:21.629 [SPEAKER_00]: If you don't catch the voice, you can't change it. 41:22.530 --> 41:23.170 [SPEAKER_00]: I'm yelling at you. 41:23.190 --> 41:24.470 [SPEAKER_00]: The only thing I'm yelling at you, 41:24.861 --> 41:31.106 [SPEAKER_00]: The only way I know to consistently catch that voice is to be aware in your moments that it's happening. 41:31.526 --> 41:34.909 [SPEAKER_00]: And you know, I've got the free mindfulness starter kit on the way. 41:34.929 --> 41:36.370 [SPEAKER_00]: That's not even your free download for today. 41:36.630 --> 41:37.310 [SPEAKER_00]: That's another one. 41:37.851 --> 41:39.932 [SPEAKER_00]: I don't, if you don't have it yet, I don't know what you're waiting for. 41:39.952 --> 41:43.155 [SPEAKER_00]: I say, with so much love in my heart, I talk about mindfulness a lot. 41:43.355 --> 41:49.420 [SPEAKER_00]: I mention it all the time because without it, if you don't remember to use the tool, what's the point of getting the tool? 41:50.000 --> 41:56.769 [SPEAKER_00]: If all the time, every time it's, you know, days later, weeks later, hours later that you're like, oh, you know, you're, you're, you're face-pomping. 41:56.789 --> 42:00.954 [SPEAKER_00]: I, you know, that's not, I want you to get it. 42:00.974 --> 42:01.775 [SPEAKER_00]: I love you. 42:01.795 --> 42:03.217 [SPEAKER_00]: I want you to have them in the moment. 42:03.337 --> 42:03.598 [SPEAKER_00]: Okay. 42:03.778 --> 42:06.381 [SPEAKER_00]: So get your mindfulness game on point practice. 42:06.501 --> 42:07.042 [SPEAKER_00]: I practice. 42:07.162 --> 42:07.903 [SPEAKER_00]: We'll have to practice. 42:08.864 --> 42:19.600 [SPEAKER_00]: So the free download for today is I'm calling it something like a two step tool for Quiting your inner critic, you know, yeah, brilliant name, but basically it's going to walk you through these steps. 42:19.680 --> 42:22.685 [SPEAKER_00]: So that if you have trouble with this, you can walk through it for three for free. 42:23.726 --> 42:28.168 [SPEAKER_00]: If you want to go deeper, my therapy to go bundle, I have a therapy to go bundle with every episode. 42:28.488 --> 42:29.569 [SPEAKER_00]: They cost $10. 42:29.589 --> 42:33.390 [SPEAKER_00]: That's pretty cheap as far as I'm concerned because you're going to get therapy. 42:33.450 --> 42:40.093 [SPEAKER_00]: It's like instead of going to therapy, you get the, you know, working on your inner critic in a deeper way, you can download the bundle. 42:40.133 --> 42:43.855 [SPEAKER_00]: And if you have a therapist, I have a lot of therapists. 42:44.675 --> 42:50.579 [SPEAKER_00]: who download the bundles and do them with clients, which is fine with me, I think it's great for certain topics. 42:50.639 --> 42:51.180 [SPEAKER_00]: It's wonderful. 42:51.640 --> 43:04.329 [SPEAKER_00]: So the bundle you get a copy the blog and you get the free download that I just mentioned, but you also get the voice, something I'm calling the voice origin map, you know, kind of helping you map out how you got that voice. 43:06.351 --> 43:06.651 [SPEAKER_00]: Is it 43:09.161 --> 43:14.322 [SPEAKER_00]: is it like the critical voice or is it you like a worksheet to help you get deeper on that? 43:15.182 --> 43:19.183 [SPEAKER_00]: I have a script sheet in there, you know, using the tool in real life situations. 43:20.403 --> 43:25.144 [SPEAKER_00]: And there's a critical voice tracking sheet to help you notice when you use it, how you use it, et cetera. 43:25.624 --> 43:32.266 [SPEAKER_00]: And then as always, there's journaling prompts to help you sort of get deeper on the why of all this and the how of all this. 43:32.346 --> 43:33.546 [SPEAKER_00]: Where did this voice come from? 43:33.926 --> 43:38.307 [SPEAKER_00]: You know, but again, what I want you to take away today is that it's from your childhood, probably, 43:38.847 --> 43:44.130 [SPEAKER_00]: Again, it could be somebody an act, you know, an x relationship or somebody later or coach in high school or something. 43:44.170 --> 43:48.593 [SPEAKER_00]: It could be someone a little later, but it's usually installed in childhood. 43:48.993 --> 43:53.416 [SPEAKER_00]: And again, this is a two step process to help you hopefully be better at this. 43:53.516 --> 43:58.459 [SPEAKER_00]: And please go back and listen to the old episodes or read the old blogs for even more. 43:58.579 --> 44:03.522 [SPEAKER_00]: If this, if you have a hard time, you know, shutting up that internal critic. 44:03.722 --> 44:05.143 [SPEAKER_00]: These three episodes are for you. 44:05.483 --> 44:05.784 [SPEAKER_00]: All right. 44:06.344 --> 44:07.346 [SPEAKER_00]: That is it for today. 44:07.546 --> 44:08.548 [SPEAKER_00]: As always, thank you. 44:08.568 --> 44:09.930 [SPEAKER_00]: Thank you for being here with me. 44:10.511 --> 44:11.993 [SPEAKER_00]: You bring me great joy. 44:12.534 --> 44:16.400 [SPEAKER_00]: Please, you know, leave a review for the podcast anywhere you listen. 44:16.860 --> 44:19.344 [SPEAKER_00]: Apple is the best if you even if you listen on Spotify. 44:19.384 --> 44:20.826 [SPEAKER_00]: You can leave a review of our Apple. 44:22.427 --> 44:33.771 [SPEAKER_00]: or write to me, you know, send me an email with a future topic you'd like me to cover, happy to do it, and or just let me know what's helping and what you'd like to see more of, or you know, we great. 44:34.211 --> 44:34.831 [SPEAKER_00]: And that's it. 44:35.212 --> 44:36.532 [SPEAKER_00]: I love you so much. 44:36.752 --> 44:38.853 [SPEAKER_00]: Have an amazing week, and we'll talk real soon. 44:39.453 --> 44:41.775 [SPEAKER_00]: Thank you for spending time with me today. 44:42.135 --> 44:46.919 [SPEAKER_00]: If you're loving what you're learning here, come join my one love collective. 44:47.099 --> 44:48.481 [SPEAKER_00]: It's my private community. 44:48.861 --> 44:51.623 [SPEAKER_00]: We'll be take these conversations even deeper. 44:52.043 --> 44:54.706 [SPEAKER_00]: You'll get a ton of bonus content. 44:55.066 --> 44:56.607 [SPEAKER_00]: Live Q&As with me. 44:57.208 --> 45:00.891 [SPEAKER_00]: Guided visualizations, journaling prompts, scripts, 45:01.472 --> 45:09.705 [SPEAKER_00]: And an incredible community of like-minded people ready to support you as you create more ease and joy in all your relationships. 45:10.245 --> 45:14.352 [SPEAKER_00]: It's all waiting for you at AppieMedCraft.com or right on Substack. 45:14.813 --> 45:15.554 [SPEAKER_00]: I'll see you next week.