WEBVTT 00:00.411 --> 00:02.293 [SPEAKER_00]: Hey everyone, welcome back to Room for Us. 00:02.713 --> 00:04.274 [SPEAKER_00]: A space where queer voices thrive. 00:04.714 --> 00:10.599 [SPEAKER_00]: I'm your host P and every single week I like to sit down get vulnerable and talk about all things queer with all of you. 00:11.379 --> 00:27.411 [SPEAKER_00]: For this episode I was feeling a bit like I really want to talk about this because it was a fresh-drugging situation and it's something I have been dealing with for many many years being queer being an out lesbian since 00:28.452 --> 00:34.558 [SPEAKER_00]: Literally since I can remember, it's things I've heard when I was in high school as a teenager when I first came out as by. 00:35.399 --> 00:42.706 [SPEAKER_00]: And it's crazy to think how when you fast forward and it's 2026 and it's been so many years and there's so much more representation. 00:43.827 --> 00:46.409 [SPEAKER_00]: I still feel like we have so much more work to do. 00:46.589 --> 00:49.310 [SPEAKER_00]: We can ever just sit there and be like, you know, the work has been done. 00:49.390 --> 00:50.531 [SPEAKER_00]: Now we have TV shows. 00:50.571 --> 00:51.311 [SPEAKER_00]: We have movies. 00:51.351 --> 00:58.956 [SPEAKER_00]: We see all kinds of queer representation out there, but in the real world, like outside of social media and probably your algorithm to be honest. 00:59.916 --> 01:00.957 [SPEAKER_00]: I still feel like, 01:02.305 --> 01:26.163 [SPEAKER_00]: I am not taken completely seriously as a gay person and there are some like specific situations I'm going to get into for this podcast episode but I wanted to open up about it because it's something that still bothers me and I think it's okay to admit that it still bothers me that sometimes I'm not being taken seriously especially my relationship isn't being taken seriously. 01:26.483 --> 01:27.343 [SPEAKER_00]: I'm going to get into it. 01:27.623 --> 01:43.990 [SPEAKER_00]: It's definitely something that I think needs to be brought to the light and throughout this episode if you also relate to this and this is something you go through or if you have any tips for others, I'm definitely going to be giving advice for how I think things can be a 01:44.390 --> 01:52.076 [SPEAKER_00]: dealt with differently, but I would love to hear your thoughts too, so as always, thank you so much for tuning into this episode and we're going to get into it. 01:52.357 --> 02:02.605 [SPEAKER_00]: When I first came out as queer, I remember these feelings forever, you know, since I was a kid, but then especially when I was in high school. 02:03.365 --> 02:07.129 [SPEAKER_00]: And I'd always been very, very femme presenting. 02:07.309 --> 02:08.970 [SPEAKER_00]: Like, even more so than I am now. 02:09.231 --> 02:17.218 [SPEAKER_00]: Even now, I think I am in some ways, but also in the ways I dress are a little bit more inrogenous, but picture high school purses. 02:17.418 --> 02:19.059 [SPEAKER_00]: She was very, very girly. 02:19.480 --> 02:26.166 [SPEAKER_00]: And at that time, was just kind of going along with what felt right at the time. 02:26.186 --> 02:28.068 [SPEAKER_00]: I was kind of following like certain trends 02:28.868 --> 02:35.972 [SPEAKER_00]: Looking up to a lot of people, but deep down, I had these really intense feelings for my best friend in high school. 02:36.892 --> 02:41.754 [SPEAKER_00]: And during that time, there was not a lot of representation at all. 02:42.014 --> 02:49.198 [SPEAKER_00]: In the movies and the shows we were watching, I've briefly mentioned this before, but I remember pretty little liars was probably one of the first times. 02:49.278 --> 02:51.199 [SPEAKER_00]: I saw that kind of representation through 02:51.959 --> 03:03.328 [SPEAKER_00]: Emily and Maya, and that character was played by Shay Mitchell, who me and high school actually really identified with her character, especially in terms of how she presented herself and how she looked. 03:03.809 --> 03:08.692 [SPEAKER_00]: So I was so happy to have that, but even that kind of representation wasn't really enough. 03:09.753 --> 03:25.766 [SPEAKER_00]: So, when I had initially really come to terms with these feelings I had had for my best friend, it was like this, aha moment and I felt so happy and so relieved to finally just admit it because it's the only time I really felt completely me. 03:26.647 --> 03:29.649 [SPEAKER_00]: And so bisexual was what I had said, you know what? 03:29.669 --> 03:30.710 [SPEAKER_00]: This makes the most sense. 03:30.970 --> 03:36.574 [SPEAKER_00]: The label bisexual felt right, especially because when we grow up in a world that is already so heterosexual. 03:37.675 --> 03:41.896 [SPEAKER_00]: For me, it was really hard to really come to the terms with maybe you're just a lesbian. 03:42.596 --> 03:51.739 [SPEAKER_00]: So when I did identify as bi and I told some friends at the time, I remember their first reaction wasn't the most pleasant one and I don't think it was malicious. 03:52.279 --> 03:56.680 [SPEAKER_00]: I also think it was like the environment we were growing up in, what we were seeing. 03:57.340 --> 04:00.861 [SPEAKER_00]: And I remember their first reaction was, well, you don't look bisexual. 04:01.801 --> 04:08.404 [SPEAKER_00]: And I remember that really sitting with me for a while or feeling not heard and definitely not seen. 04:08.925 --> 04:11.946 [SPEAKER_00]: And I also think one of the comments was like, no, you're not. 04:12.186 --> 04:13.647 [SPEAKER_00]: Like, I don't think you are, right? 04:14.167 --> 04:16.209 [SPEAKER_00]: And imagine being 18, right? 04:16.269 --> 04:20.451 [SPEAKER_00]: I mean, you're still so young and still so impressionable. 04:20.931 --> 04:24.313 [SPEAKER_00]: And I already had the kind of personality that was like very, 04:25.013 --> 04:29.835 [SPEAKER_00]: easy going and you know at times very meek and I have grown throughout those years. 04:29.915 --> 04:30.435 [SPEAKER_00]: Thank God. 04:30.455 --> 04:45.802 [SPEAKER_00]: It's like letting go of those people pleasing tendencies and really sticking to my guns and being true to who I am and not just like allowing people to talk to me in any way they want or telling me how they feel when I'm the only one who knows how I feel. 04:46.282 --> 04:51.625 [SPEAKER_00]: So yeah, that has been years of working through that and that was something I had to unlearn because 04:52.945 --> 04:59.310 [SPEAKER_00]: You know, as a youngster, I was not a very confrontational type, but over the years, I've learned that's not actually a good thing. 04:59.851 --> 05:14.083 [SPEAKER_00]: You sometimes might do that to keep the peace because you don't want to ruffle any feathers, but I would 100% rather be someone who was confrontation all for standing up for things they believe in versus someone who just sits in the back and doesn't say anything because they don't want to disrupt the peace. 05:14.883 --> 05:26.510 [SPEAKER_00]: So I remember taking that in when I was younger throughout the years working through my own personal stuff and then of course, like over the years finally saying, you know, I'm a lesbian. 05:26.890 --> 05:31.352 [SPEAKER_00]: I started posting videos about this and I really wanted to make my story public. 05:31.713 --> 05:35.935 [SPEAKER_00]: So other people, especially in the South Asian community, could actually see that kind of representation. 05:36.335 --> 05:39.078 [SPEAKER_00]: Fast forward from that era of time. 05:39.118 --> 05:40.980 [SPEAKER_00]: So that would have been like 2019. 05:41.000 --> 05:45.605 [SPEAKER_00]: I would have been 25 years old when I started posting on the internet about my sexuality. 05:46.486 --> 05:52.292 [SPEAKER_00]: And you would think that as the years have gone on and there's so many queer podcasts, 05:53.273 --> 06:10.451 [SPEAKER_00]: movies, books, like there's a lot more representation, even think about shows that have come out that have actually gained that like viral success, like heated rivalry, the characters are too queer men, and there's a lot of sex appeal in that show, like people were all over it, right? 06:11.292 --> 06:15.776 [SPEAKER_00]: But I feel when you separate that and you enter a whole world that might not seem like 06:16.777 --> 06:17.558 [SPEAKER_00]: very much you. 06:17.979 --> 06:20.222 [SPEAKER_00]: You're kind of reminded of what else is out there. 06:20.402 --> 06:23.486 [SPEAKER_00]: My fiance, Crystal, and I have been dating for almost four years now. 06:24.207 --> 06:33.739 [SPEAKER_00]: I'm 30 years old, and I have been on such a journey with my sexuality, healing very comfortable to be out and proud and not nervous about. 06:34.580 --> 06:39.364 [SPEAKER_00]: Being who I am, especially living in such a progressive city at the time, which was Toronto. 06:39.844 --> 06:49.352 [SPEAKER_00]: And I've been living in Vancouver for the last couple of years, and Vancouver is similar to Toronto in that sense, meaning like, you know, there's a really prominent queer scene in Vancouver. 06:49.452 --> 06:50.213 [SPEAKER_00]: I've seen it. 06:50.333 --> 06:53.736 [SPEAKER_00]: I actually live in a very prominent queer area, I think. 06:54.577 --> 06:59.862 [SPEAKER_00]: And there are pride events, like there are things celebrated in Vancouver, right? 06:59.882 --> 07:01.384 [SPEAKER_00]: Like it's a very progressive city. 07:02.125 --> 07:07.650 [SPEAKER_00]: And it is a city, you know, it's smaller than Toronto, but it still has that kind of city effect. 07:08.091 --> 07:11.394 [SPEAKER_00]: That I always knew that that is something I would need. 07:11.775 --> 07:14.578 [SPEAKER_00]: As I continue to get older and where I decide, I really want to settle down. 07:15.078 --> 07:22.621 [SPEAKER_00]: I feel like a city vibe is very much for me and a lot of that reasoning is because of the diversity aspect. 07:23.181 --> 07:27.422 [SPEAKER_00]: I love to walk around a place where I feel at home and I feel safe. 07:28.123 --> 07:33.084 [SPEAKER_00]: And I really tend to see that especially in the neighborhood I've chosen to settle down in Vancouver. 07:33.524 --> 07:34.445 [SPEAKER_00]: I love it so much. 07:35.085 --> 07:42.067 [SPEAKER_00]: It's made such a positive impact on my mental health and it feels like a little bubble I can be in and just completely be myself. 07:42.487 --> 07:43.508 [SPEAKER_00]: So I am grateful for that. 07:44.388 --> 07:50.312 [SPEAKER_00]: But of course, you know, Crystal and I, as a couple over the years, have attended many, many events together. 07:50.832 --> 07:53.034 [SPEAKER_00]: We've been to weddings together for loved ones. 07:53.234 --> 08:03.280 [SPEAKER_00]: We've been to certain work events together as each other's plus one because you know, we're a couple and that's like so fun to do with your partner when you have a chance to bring a plus one. 08:04.673 --> 08:17.526 [SPEAKER_00]: But I've noticed, like, this is such a universal experience and I can't wait to hear from others about this, but we always have to be cautious about our love and our relationship, right? 08:17.586 --> 08:24.974 [SPEAKER_00]: Like, we can't just get into an Uber and hold hands because we don't know what the reaction is going to be like from the Uber driver. 08:26.115 --> 08:33.799 [SPEAKER_00]: And even when we go out to restaurants, you know, like, there's been so many times crystal and I have a date night and we go to a restaurant together. 08:33.919 --> 08:36.761 [SPEAKER_00]: And one of us requests to grab the bill. 08:37.401 --> 08:41.483 [SPEAKER_00]: The server automatically assumes like, oh, you guys are best friends or it's girls night. 08:41.503 --> 08:43.444 [SPEAKER_00]: And that's so nice of your friend to grab the bill. 08:43.484 --> 08:45.165 [SPEAKER_00]: Like we have heard comments like that. 08:45.725 --> 08:46.546 [SPEAKER_00]: And really like. 08:47.326 --> 08:52.069 [SPEAKER_00]: We usually don't say anything, but there are so many times I just want to be like, well, that's my partner. 08:52.729 --> 09:02.035 [SPEAKER_00]: But then again, you also have to really assess out the situation because you also don't want to put yourself at risk of being in a situation that's not safe, because you just don't know. 09:02.475 --> 09:10.460 [SPEAKER_00]: And there were some events Crystal and I had gone to recently, of course, together and we had heard it all, you know, throughout the day. 09:11.020 --> 09:13.602 [SPEAKER_00]: It's so good that you were able to bring your friend along with you. 09:14.342 --> 09:22.768 [SPEAKER_00]: on the strip, we got sisters, we got, well actually, this is the first time we got this, but we actually got mother and daughter. 09:23.289 --> 09:36.418 [SPEAKER_00]: And like, sometimes it is comical, but I was, it was getting to a point where I was telling Crystal, this is getting a little frustrating, because we're adults, you know, we're not teenagers, like I am engaged to you, and 09:36.958 --> 09:42.380 [SPEAKER_00]: And I just feel like whenever we present ourselves and we're going out, we're not looked at as a couple. 09:42.840 --> 09:54.764 [SPEAKER_00]: And I also agree that maybe for some of these people's worlds, like it's not super common to see a queer couple, especially maybe a very femme presenting, queer couple out there because crystals also very femme presenting. 09:55.304 --> 10:01.646 [SPEAKER_00]: So I will give them that grace, but I also think it would be amazing if we could be just more inclusive in general. 10:04.887 --> 10:11.434 [SPEAKER_00]: Oh, I'm so glad you could bring your friend or our you guys sisters like just simply ask like, oh, like, who is this to you? 10:11.554 --> 10:14.117 [SPEAKER_00]: And it's up to us to answer and to tell you what that is. 10:14.197 --> 10:16.079 [SPEAKER_00]: And we would proudly say, like, we're together. 10:16.099 --> 10:16.699 [SPEAKER_00]: We're a couple. 10:17.760 --> 10:25.308 [SPEAKER_00]: Because if someone's coming at me and kind of already putting out the friend thing saying, like, oh, I'm glad you could bring your bestie to this event. 10:26.309 --> 10:32.014 [SPEAKER_00]: I'm already not going to feel very safe to open up and say, you know, this is my partner. 10:32.895 --> 10:40.922 [SPEAKER_00]: So I think it's really good to never assume and I also had talked about this at a work conference one time. 10:40.962 --> 10:51.491 [SPEAKER_00]: I was on this like global speakers event and was talking about the importance of queer inclusivity because Kristall and I just bought a place as I mentioned on the podcast and 10:52.192 --> 10:55.594 [SPEAKER_00]: There was one day we were just, you know, looking at mattresses. 10:55.694 --> 11:02.958 [SPEAKER_00]: We weren't trying to seriously buy that day, but we were kind of getting some feelers out and we wanted to, you know, test things out. 11:03.418 --> 11:13.644 [SPEAKER_00]: We went to this one mattress store in Vancouver and I was with Crystal, the two of us together looking at the mattresses and Crystal was asking some questions to the sales person. 11:14.605 --> 11:18.047 [SPEAKER_00]: And I was right behind her, you know, listening and inquiring as well. 11:19.027 --> 11:28.151 [SPEAKER_00]: And the salesperson completely went out of our way to tell Crystal, oh, next time you should bring your husband down. 11:28.751 --> 11:39.715 [SPEAKER_00]: I don't remember the words verbatim, but it was basically insinuating like, oh, you should tell your husband to come down and, you know, then he could test these out himself. 11:40.695 --> 11:44.597 [SPEAKER_00]: And I remember sitting there just like, oh my god, that is so ridiculous. 11:45.157 --> 11:47.439 [SPEAKER_00]: Like, and I'm clearly there with her. 11:47.519 --> 11:49.460 [SPEAKER_00]: Crystal's very much like pointing to me. 11:49.961 --> 12:08.173 [SPEAKER_00]: Then the sales person said, oh, and if you're interested too, like you can ask me more questions, but it just, we automatically did not want to shop there, because when you approach someone and you're already like, assuming who they're choosing to be with, or who they're buying a mattress with, it's so sad. 12:09.214 --> 12:13.818 [SPEAKER_00]: because we didn't sense this like honest mistake. 12:13.898 --> 12:15.679 [SPEAKER_00]: It almost felt a little bit intentional. 12:15.819 --> 12:22.684 [SPEAKER_00]: Like she knew we were matchers shopping together but could never even wrap her head around the fact that we were a couple buying a mattress together. 12:23.064 --> 12:32.371 [SPEAKER_00]: So I guess that would be my only advice really like if you are dealing with this in the workplace or at social events, 12:33.232 --> 12:43.339 [SPEAKER_00]: I think it's amazing to be proud and to display your relationship and say, like, you know, this is my partner, but I also understand why, like, you don't know what kind of reaction you're going to get. 12:43.579 --> 12:50.684 [SPEAKER_00]: There was another situation where Crystal and I were at an event together and there were couples all around us and, you know, we're having small talk. 12:50.764 --> 12:54.106 [SPEAKER_00]: So it was Crystal and I and the rest were heterosexual couples. 12:54.967 --> 13:01.488 [SPEAKER_00]: So we're all going around and people are kind of asking each other, oh, where did you two meet? 13:01.648 --> 13:09.570 [SPEAKER_00]: But not to crystalline, like only to the heterosexual couples, as like we can acknowledge and understand you to our couple. 13:09.930 --> 13:11.430 [SPEAKER_00]: So we want to know more about how you met. 13:11.830 --> 13:14.131 [SPEAKER_00]: To crystalline, that question was not asked. 13:14.511 --> 13:17.551 [SPEAKER_00]: And once again, you might ask, well, why didn't you guys just say something? 13:17.711 --> 13:20.692 [SPEAKER_00]: But I also feel like when you're in an environment like that, like who knows? 13:21.352 --> 13:25.216 [SPEAKER_00]: They were asking us stuff individually, but not like, oh, so how did you to me? 13:26.238 --> 13:33.765 [SPEAKER_00]: And I went away from that situation feeling a lot more upset than I really thought I would. 13:34.406 --> 13:40.613 [SPEAKER_00]: I think in the past I would have brushed it off or just been like, you know, this is just how the world is. 13:41.973 --> 13:44.334 [SPEAKER_00]: People aren't seeing all this representation all the time. 13:45.034 --> 13:45.894 [SPEAKER_00]: How are they going to know? 13:46.394 --> 13:48.355 [SPEAKER_00]: But now I just feel like there's no excuse for it. 13:48.555 --> 13:56.597 [SPEAKER_00]: We're at a time where there's so much representation around us, even if you're not seeing it in your day-to-day, it is out there. 13:56.697 --> 14:03.319 [SPEAKER_00]: And I also think people need to understand like how low and isolating that feeling can be. 14:04.019 --> 14:16.783 [SPEAKER_00]: that all I want is to proudly say, this is my fiance and I'm a lesbian, and even feel comfortable enough to say I do have a podcast where I talk about my sexuality as an Indian Canadian. 14:19.112 --> 14:24.655 [SPEAKER_00]: I just immediately feel like I'm going to get shut down or people are going to look at me in a different way. 14:24.775 --> 14:27.256 [SPEAKER_00]: And to be honest, I don't care how you're looking at me. 14:27.396 --> 14:35.540 [SPEAKER_00]: I just think I also deserve to be a part of that table that is talking about her partner. 14:35.680 --> 14:41.803 [SPEAKER_00]: And we're talking about how we got engaged or our trip like we've been together. 14:41.823 --> 14:43.044 [SPEAKER_00]: We're building a life together. 14:43.064 --> 14:44.485 [SPEAKER_00]: This is my life partner. 14:45.465 --> 14:47.007 [SPEAKER_00]: and I don't know. 14:47.288 --> 15:02.787 [SPEAKER_00]: It was just really on my mind and it was really upsetting me because these things have been happening more recently to Crystal and I and it was just a reminder of how there's still so much work that needs to be done when it comes to inclusivity, when it comes to the queer community and 15:03.928 --> 15:06.650 [SPEAKER_00]: relationships and even pronouns, right? 15:06.690 --> 15:09.032 [SPEAKER_00]: Like that's still such an assumption. 15:09.753 --> 15:11.914 [SPEAKER_00]: And people still don't understand. 15:12.034 --> 15:17.879 [SPEAKER_00]: It's like a simple, just ask, you know, like, just ask people, I can never sit there in a Zoom. 15:18.139 --> 15:20.140 [SPEAKER_00]: Who you are just by looking at you? 15:20.601 --> 15:21.261 [SPEAKER_00]: How would I know? 15:21.842 --> 15:26.665 [SPEAKER_00]: I think that's the beautiful thing about this world at the same time is like, 15:27.426 --> 15:36.459 [SPEAKER_00]: the amount of resources that we have compared to years ago, and it's just upsetting that it sometimes feels like we're still going backwards. 15:37.240 --> 15:42.688 [SPEAKER_00]: And especially as Kristol and I continue to attend more events together and we have been. 15:43.548 --> 15:58.879 [SPEAKER_00]: The whole time on our relationship, I think it's just been affecting me even more now, especially that we're like this engaged couple, that I still feel like I'm sitting there with her and people think we're friends, and you're not being looked at as a couple. 15:59.999 --> 16:04.704 [SPEAKER_00]: So, this was kind of like a mini rant episode, but I really wanted to get it out there. 16:05.264 --> 16:13.031 [SPEAKER_00]: And if you guys had any tips on like how we can actually help people understand, because I don't want to come at it in a combat of sense. 16:13.232 --> 16:18.797 [SPEAKER_00]: But I also think it's important for people to understand how you could be hurting someone. 16:19.257 --> 16:22.800 [SPEAKER_00]: when you're not taking them seriously. 16:22.900 --> 16:30.385 [SPEAKER_00]: You're not taking their sexuality seriously because of the way they look and you're not taking their relationship seriously because of the way they present themselves. 16:30.745 --> 16:34.028 [SPEAKER_00]: But with that, mini-brands over, thank you so much for tuning in. 16:34.568 --> 16:43.214 [SPEAKER_00]: If you do relate to this episode, I would absolutely love to hear from you because I would love to talk to you more about, like, does this still happen to you? 16:44.615 --> 16:52.421 [SPEAKER_00]: I live in a very progressive city, I think, and I mean, I still feel like this stuff happens at events even within the city. 16:52.661 --> 17:07.211 [SPEAKER_00]: So would love some advice on how to tackle this, you know, when you're in a situation where you have to go to events that are not necessarily queer spaces, but would love any advice and I'm so open to chats, because I would love to hear about your experiences too. 17:07.811 --> 17:11.814 [SPEAKER_00]: But thank you as always for tuning into the podcast, and I will see you all next week.