WEBVTT 00:06.058 --> 00:08.281 [SPEAKER_00]: Welcome back to the I don't gap podcast. 00:08.481 --> 00:12.766 [SPEAKER_00]: I'm your host, Oni B. Hi, I'm officially back from New York Fashion Week. 00:12.807 --> 00:16.511 [SPEAKER_00]: I'm so excited to chat with you guys today and to just be back on the chair. 00:16.531 --> 00:18.253 [SPEAKER_00]: I have not sat on this chair in two weeks. 00:19.415 --> 00:19.815 [SPEAKER_00]: Crazy. 00:19.855 --> 00:21.798 [SPEAKER_00]: I don't even know like usually I would sit on the chair. 00:22.278 --> 00:22.838 [SPEAKER_00]: Read a book. 00:23.138 --> 00:23.778 [SPEAKER_00]: Do my thing. 00:24.118 --> 00:36.781 [SPEAKER_00]: This is kind of like my creative corner like the place that I come in this room of mine to just like chill out at a videos and like do things on here, but I am going to be so honest with you guys this room, which is my beauty room. 00:36.821 --> 00:41.241 [SPEAKER_00]: If you're watching the YouTube video, you'll see like this space that we're in. 00:41.701 --> 00:45.422 [SPEAKER_00]: This is like my creative beauty room like all of my stuff is in here. 00:46.262 --> 00:50.643 [SPEAKER_00]: And I hate to say it, but it has been an absolute wreckage. 00:51.188 --> 00:53.189 [SPEAKER_00]: recently like it has been just a disaster. 00:53.630 --> 00:54.990 [SPEAKER_00]: I have so much stuff everywhere. 00:55.010 --> 01:00.214 [SPEAKER_00]: I actually spent the first like four hours of the day organizing so it does look much better in here. 01:00.234 --> 01:06.398 [SPEAKER_00]: I mean the fact that I'm even sitting in the chair is telling because there was like absolutely no access to this part of the room. 01:06.698 --> 01:09.800 [SPEAKER_00]: It was just like blocked off by what felt like barricades of stuff. 01:09.980 --> 01:14.243 [SPEAKER_00]: So I'm really happy that obviously I can film because there was a second where like 01:15.280 --> 01:27.445 [SPEAKER_00]: Oh my gosh, I'm just like a little bit overwhelmed right now so as you know, I'm just gonna have to skip the week because I just like can't even attack this room right now She's gonna take me so long, but you know what I paved the way. 01:27.465 --> 01:36.969 [SPEAKER_00]: I told myself just clear out the space to film this episode And then we can worry about the rest at a later time Which honestly is kind of my problem. 01:36.989 --> 01:42.531 [SPEAKER_00]: I always like do things and then like just do it a little bit and then worry about the rest at a later time and then the later time just kind of 01:43.305 --> 01:45.206 [SPEAKER_00]: never comes, which is so annoying. 01:45.226 --> 01:46.667 [SPEAKER_00]: But anyway, hi guys. 01:47.667 --> 01:53.010 [SPEAKER_00]: Before I trauma down, before I share all of my weaknesses with you, let me say high real quick. 01:53.110 --> 01:56.832 [SPEAKER_00]: First of all, I'm so excited to be back on the chair. 01:56.872 --> 01:59.313 [SPEAKER_00]: Like I mentioned, I'm excited for this episode. 01:59.753 --> 02:06.957 [SPEAKER_00]: I kind of just want to go over what I learned while I was in New York because I love New York. 02:06.997 --> 02:11.519 [SPEAKER_00]: Whenever I'm in New York, I just feel the most myself and I feel like super connected with. 02:12.030 --> 02:25.996 [SPEAKER_00]: My confidence, my fashion sense, who I am as a person like my creativity and I just I don't know there's something about the energy there that just feels so different than where I'm at in California and I can appreciate the differences in both. 02:26.096 --> 02:29.397 [SPEAKER_00]: I like that I can come back home to California and it's just a more chill. 02:29.992 --> 02:40.538 [SPEAKER_00]: relaxed energy but I also really love the feeling of being out there and just like so much going on in that excitement and that chaos it actually really feels me up and really excites me. 02:41.679 --> 02:56.568 [SPEAKER_00]: So today's episode we're just going to kind of chat about first of all New York fashion week if anyone cares what that was like as an influencer and it like I don't know I'll walk you through a little bit of what I did and then on top of that I really want to talk most about the biggest takeaways that I took from this trip. 02:56.968 --> 03:04.190 [SPEAKER_00]: Because the first half of my trip honestly was really shitty and I was really sad for them Like first half of the trip. 03:04.230 --> 03:05.891 [SPEAKER_00]: I cried every day that I was there. 03:05.911 --> 03:21.416 [SPEAKER_00]: Well, every day for the first half And then it got really really good at the end and I felt like I kind of had a Really big growth spirit while I was out there So I just want to talk about it because I feel like this could resonate with some people and some of the lessons that I Took from these experiences. 03:21.516 --> 03:23.757 [SPEAKER_00]: I think we all can pull something from 03:24.797 --> 03:27.922 [SPEAKER_00]: So yeah, that's what we're going to talk about today before we get into it. 03:27.982 --> 03:29.904 [SPEAKER_00]: I just need to address that elephant in the room. 03:30.245 --> 03:31.186 [SPEAKER_00]: How I'm looking right now. 03:31.447 --> 03:32.748 [SPEAKER_00]: I feel like I look atrocious. 03:32.929 --> 03:34.270 [SPEAKER_00]: So I apologize for that. 03:34.331 --> 03:38.016 [SPEAKER_00]: I just can't get myself to look any better than this at the moment. 03:38.316 --> 03:40.820 [SPEAKER_00]: I had literally the craziest skin. 03:41.700 --> 04:10.495 [SPEAKER_00]: in New York like so much dermatitis I was breaking out like the worst kind of had an in quite a long time and then I came home and I was okay the only thing that will heal this skin is if I do my ZO skin attack program which you probably have no idea what I'm talking about unless you follow me on TikTok and Instagram but there's this brand called ZO skin that I love to death and they are a medical grade skin care brand they have like really really nice really like a nice is not even a good enough word like really high 04:11.255 --> 04:21.041 [SPEAKER_00]: Gorgeous products that literally transform my skin and whenever I'm having issues like my skin struggling or like something's going on I will do this thing called the attack, which is just a really intense. 04:21.181 --> 04:23.382 [SPEAKER_00]: It's not for everybody, but it works really well for me 04:24.022 --> 04:51.350 [SPEAKER_00]: It's an intense exfoliation and retinal use and it makes your skin peel all the way off and whenever I go through that and I like do that process on my face my skin looks to die for after so right now I came straight home and started doing that I literally only did it for two days and my skin is still peeling and it's been like three or four days so I feel like tomorrow or the next day my skin will look good again, but I'm like in the trenches of the peeling process right now so 04:51.870 --> 04:52.611 [SPEAKER_00]: Don't look too close. 04:52.651 --> 04:54.152 [SPEAKER_00]: My skin is actually peeling off. 04:54.232 --> 05:04.161 [SPEAKER_00]: Like I can't even touch it or else it starts flaking away So yeah, this is about the best we're gonna get especially because I am also recovering from traveling. 05:04.222 --> 05:15.452 [SPEAKER_00]: I think whenever I leave Anywhere and come back like my whole body is like really confused like what the fuck just happened because I don't travel that often So when I do it's literally like the craziest 05:16.186 --> 05:16.847 [SPEAKER_00]: jumpscare for me. 05:17.007 --> 05:20.391 [SPEAKER_00]: So anyway, that is what I wanted to say about that. 05:20.831 --> 05:23.774 [SPEAKER_00]: Um, I hope that I look back on this video when I'm editing. 05:23.794 --> 05:26.737 [SPEAKER_00]: I'm not like, oh my god, I literally don't want to post this. 05:26.757 --> 05:28.840 [SPEAKER_00]: I hope I'm feeling like, well, okay, it's not as bad as I thought. 05:29.280 --> 05:32.924 [SPEAKER_00]: But regardless, we're posting in any way because this is that I don't have podcasts, right? 05:33.004 --> 05:35.467 [SPEAKER_00]: And at the end of the day, like, this is what I look like right now. 05:36.190 --> 05:39.715 [SPEAKER_00]: and this outfit, I don't even know what I'm wearing, but like I'm just hoping that it works. 05:39.815 --> 05:45.342 [SPEAKER_00]: Like sometimes you just gotta like sit the fuck down and what you're in and it's fine, you know what I mean? 05:46.143 --> 05:50.869 [SPEAKER_00]: So yeah, with all that being said, I think let's chat about New York Fashion Week. 05:51.170 --> 05:51.390 [SPEAKER_00]: Yeah. 05:51.996 --> 05:57.301 [SPEAKER_00]: Before I do that, I know I keep saying before I do that, but I'm gonna crack this open because I literally need energy so bad. 05:57.421 --> 05:58.442 [SPEAKER_00]: I made a coffee earlier. 05:58.462 --> 06:02.005 [SPEAKER_00]: And I just like, literally a drink half the coffee. 06:02.245 --> 06:07.189 [SPEAKER_00]: And I just immediately went into action, which love that, that is the whole point of coffee, right? 06:08.530 --> 06:13.335 [SPEAKER_00]: But I didn't finish it because I just sprung into action that I just forgot about the rest of it. 06:13.415 --> 06:15.777 [SPEAKER_00]: So I feel like I could really use this right now. 06:16.037 --> 06:17.078 [SPEAKER_00]: Just in general, I don't know. 06:20.032 --> 06:23.653 [SPEAKER_00]: Okay y'all, so New York Fashion Week. 06:24.313 --> 06:33.195 [SPEAKER_00]: First of all, I think in a nutshell, it was an amazing experience because like I said, New York in general makes me feel so good and so excited. 06:34.155 --> 06:37.956 [SPEAKER_00]: But I think there was a lot of things that came up for me during this trip that I struggled with. 06:38.216 --> 06:47.458 [SPEAKER_00]: And, you know, they're not the easiest things to talk about, but I think that's why I want to talk about them because I think in a bunch of different ways we might all experience the same things. 06:49.225 --> 06:50.326 [SPEAKER_00]: Let's give the plane a second. 06:51.046 --> 07:01.433 [SPEAKER_00]: Obviously in our different industries we're like in our different versions of life, but I struggled with comparison during my trip, which isn't something that I struggle with very often. 07:01.613 --> 07:05.936 [SPEAKER_00]: So it was definitely really shocking for me and it made me feel really sad. 07:05.976 --> 07:13.040 [SPEAKER_00]: And I was already in my Ludio phase about to start my period and it just like, oh my god, it rocked me so crazy. 07:13.581 --> 07:18.664 [SPEAKER_00]: But yeah, I started feeling like less than, 07:19.114 --> 07:36.733 [SPEAKER_00]: a little bit in the beginning of my trip I think because I wasn't really feeling like myself and when you don't emit that energy it's not received back like you're not gonna feel like a star like nobody around you's gonna make you feel like a star if you don't feel like a star do what I'm saying and I know that lesson I've learned that a long time ago 07:37.433 --> 08:06.113 [SPEAKER_00]: And yeah, I was just struggling to feel that confidence within myself, and like externally I felt confident like I, you know, loved my outfits and how I looked and stuff, but I think internally I was just feeling like random, you know, and I think that a lot of influencers in particular can like understand that feeling, I think because there are so many of us doing the same thing, I think that sometimes, you know, if you're not feeling like the top of the top, then you kind of just feel like 08:07.059 --> 08:07.479 [SPEAKER_00]: random. 08:07.779 --> 08:08.139 [SPEAKER_00]: I don't know. 08:08.319 --> 08:16.682 [SPEAKER_00]: Maybe that's not a universal experience, but sometimes I'm just like, I do struggle with that feeling like, but I'm literally just like everybody else, but that's so untrue. 08:17.163 --> 08:22.204 [SPEAKER_00]: And I know that it is like just based off of everything that I do and who I am as a person, like everybody is so different. 08:23.225 --> 08:27.686 [SPEAKER_00]: But I think I was struggling with that feeling a little bit, especially at these events. 08:28.287 --> 08:33.849 [SPEAKER_00]: And the truth is, I'm not the type of person that likes to socialize 08:36.027 --> 08:37.007 [SPEAKER_00]: like a career gain. 08:37.387 --> 08:37.948 [SPEAKER_00]: You know what I'm saying? 08:37.968 --> 08:39.148 [SPEAKER_00]: Like I'm not the best at networking. 08:39.248 --> 08:44.870 [SPEAKER_00]: I love to talk to people and I'm like I'm good at socializing because I really enjoy connection. 08:45.530 --> 08:49.331 [SPEAKER_00]: But I'm only good at it when it comes to like coming from a genuine place. 08:49.611 --> 08:50.291 [SPEAKER_00]: Does that make sense? 08:50.892 --> 08:57.974 [SPEAKER_00]: And as an influencer, the whole spiel, like the huge, like a huge part of this career is networking. 08:59.134 --> 09:07.759 [SPEAKER_00]: You know, befriending people so that you can meet other people and like it's always about who you know and like I just don't love that part of this job. 09:09.240 --> 09:15.743 [SPEAKER_00]: So yeah, I feel like if I'm not genuinely interested in having a conversation with somebody, I'm not going to have a conversation with them. 09:17.084 --> 09:19.505 [SPEAKER_00]: And that's just like the reality for me. 09:19.685 --> 09:28.110 [SPEAKER_00]: So I think because I'm not as interested naturally it like befriending other influencers or like going out of my way to. 09:30.159 --> 09:31.480 [SPEAKER_00]: I don't know, does that make sense? 09:32.080 --> 09:43.866 [SPEAKER_00]: So yeah, I think that because of that, I was kind of feeling like, maybe a little bit mad at myself or just a little bit guilty that I wasn't feeling super excited to do the small talk thing. 09:43.966 --> 09:45.307 [SPEAKER_00]: I just hate small talk. 09:45.447 --> 09:46.047 [SPEAKER_00]: I hate it. 09:46.167 --> 09:50.770 [SPEAKER_00]: Unless I actually have an interest in somebody or we're chatting on like, 09:51.735 --> 09:59.398 [SPEAKER_00]: a genuine level, the whole small talk, business environment thing, like it's just not my favorite environment, honestly. 09:59.458 --> 10:07.941 [SPEAKER_00]: So anyways, I also think that with practice, maybe at my feelings about this will change, but yeah, I just don't like doing things that don't feel genuine in my heart and soul. 10:08.501 --> 10:11.842 [SPEAKER_00]: And so there was just a lot of moments where I felt like I needed to 10:13.970 --> 10:34.807 [SPEAKER_00]: I don't know, just like put a different face forward and, you know, everyone's small talking and you can feel it, like especially in the influencer world, like they're just certain, in-buy, or like certain interactions that you have with others that are just so not real and so not genuine and like for me, if I can clock off jump, that like somebody I'm talking to is just not 10:35.427 --> 10:36.088 [SPEAKER_00]: a good vibe. 10:36.788 --> 10:51.517 [SPEAKER_00]: I'm not going to continue to pursue the conversation like I'm going to let it die or I'm going to be the one to end it and I think That maybe is my problem is that I'm just not willing to sit in that like discomfort of like We I like I don't know how to explain what I'm saying. 10:51.577 --> 10:59.582 [SPEAKER_00]: I hope that this makes sense But regardless like I had some feelings like that in the beginning and then Yeah, just a little bit of comparison. 10:59.602 --> 11:00.123 [SPEAKER_00]: I think like 11:01.499 --> 11:17.108 [SPEAKER_00]: No matter what industry you're in or what environment you're in, if you're seeing other people that are doing what you're doing, it's like almost impossible to not wonder or think like, oh, what's the difference between you and me or what accomplishments have we each attained and stuff? 11:17.148 --> 11:30.575 [SPEAKER_00]: And I think for me, that is easier to do with people that I don't know, versus like my friends, my influencer friends, like I don't have this problem with when I connect with somebody, truly watching them succeed in watching them win. 11:30.975 --> 11:47.953 [SPEAKER_00]: It feels like I'm winning and it feels like an extension of me, so I don't have comparison issues in that regard, which is why this feeling was so shocking to me, but I think it's like seeing other people, or interacting with other people, and yeah, I don't even know, just like it was just an interesting experience. 11:49.935 --> 12:07.128 [SPEAKER_00]: But yeah, so I experienced a little bit of that and then on top of that, I think I was just like I said not feeling like myself, I was in my ludial phase and just like already kind of I've been in a little bit of like a lower point energetically and mentally for the last couple months. 12:07.848 --> 12:16.511 [SPEAKER_00]: to be honest and so I think that this was like the tail end of that and also you guys this is the biggest thing that I took away from this experience. 12:17.331 --> 12:35.498 [SPEAKER_00]: I was not in motion for kind of that minute and going to New York pushed me into motion and it was really uncomfortable and it was honestly kind of painful and like I said like all that socializing, all those events like you're going to event after event after event and your job is to literally mingle. 12:36.419 --> 12:42.824 [SPEAKER_00]: And network with as many people as possible, and I was doing that, and it just was difficult for me. 12:42.844 --> 12:55.816 [SPEAKER_00]: I was not enjoying it, and yeah, so I think this trip forced me to do a bunch of things that were really uncomfortable for me, backed back to back with a little to no downtime. 12:56.256 --> 13:01.441 [SPEAKER_00]: And so, of course, I was literally hating my life and breaking down every night, obviously. 13:01.920 --> 13:24.491 [SPEAKER_00]: But at the end of it, all like once it started to slow down a little bit towards the end of the week, I was feeling so fucking energized so good so excited I also started my period so that has a big part to play, but I started feeling so just like proud of myself, you know, like when you do something that feels really difficult in the moment and like 13:25.277 --> 13:44.175 [SPEAKER_00]: Oh my gosh, like you know that feeling oh I'm dreading this one thing that I need to go do this one about I need to go to this meeting I have to have whatever and you just feel like soicky about it and then you do it and it's over and then you feel so good and like waitless you know I was just feeling that and like also on top of that by the end of the week 13:44.655 --> 13:55.705 [SPEAKER_00]: I started caring less like I really don't laugh in general, but like there are moments in of weakness where you do care a little bit, you know, and when I'm in my little face and I'm just like anxious and everything's just like really weird 13:58.158 --> 14:20.515 [SPEAKER_00]: I do notice that those are the times when I do gap a little, but the minute I got my period and the minute that feeling was gone You guys like that was really when I activated and locked in and I think I like even just with my own friends in the way I was showing up with like the people I was interacting with like there was a big noticeable change in my energy Really low energy in the beginning You know still there still fun still existing, but also just like can't wait to leave 14:20.995 --> 14:22.776 [SPEAKER_00]: but then for the end, it was like, what are we doing next? 14:22.796 --> 14:25.438 [SPEAKER_00]: Like I'm having so much fun, let's fucking buy-bout for the whole night. 14:25.458 --> 14:27.680 [SPEAKER_00]: Like, just energetically that changed for me. 14:29.581 --> 14:33.584 [SPEAKER_00]: And yeah, so for me, the biggest lesson that I learned was a couple of things. 14:34.025 --> 14:37.687 [SPEAKER_00]: The first thing is that do I love being an influencer? 14:38.248 --> 14:38.948 [SPEAKER_00]: Of course I do. 14:39.028 --> 14:43.512 [SPEAKER_00]: I think this is a beautiful, amazing, such an exciting career. 14:44.352 --> 14:50.553 [SPEAKER_00]: And I think it is definitely a gateway into the next phase of my life for sure. 14:50.573 --> 14:57.275 [SPEAKER_00]: But I do also think that I'm made to do more than what I'm doing right now, and I really believe that. 14:57.395 --> 15:02.836 [SPEAKER_00]: I love what I do, like I said, I will never ever take it for granted or say that it's not good in any way, because it's amazing. 15:03.416 --> 15:08.317 [SPEAKER_00]: But I also know that my soul needs music, like I need to pursue. 15:08.937 --> 15:13.800 [SPEAKER_00]: that huge passion and goal of mine in order to be fulfilled in any sort of way. 15:14.260 --> 15:18.843 [SPEAKER_00]: And truly I'll never be fulfilled until I seek that part of myself out. 15:19.783 --> 15:21.925 [SPEAKER_00]: And I think being in New York made me realize that. 15:22.205 --> 15:27.508 [SPEAKER_00]: It made me realize not only one, there's so many creators everywhere that it makes it feel so 15:31.563 --> 15:34.045 [SPEAKER_00]: Explore whatever part of creativity that you want. 15:34.425 --> 15:40.771 [SPEAKER_00]: That's the first thing number two Just like the energy like the embodiment that I felt of myself like over there. 15:40.831 --> 15:45.334 [SPEAKER_00]: It's like no No, I am on eb the artist like what the fuck? 15:45.815 --> 15:57.925 [SPEAKER_00]: I don't know how to explain it Just you can feel this like different presence of yourself coming alive in certain environments And like I felt that so hard and then three I do also feel like 15:59.263 --> 16:02.985 [SPEAKER_00]: If you're not meant to do certain things, there will always be some sort of resistance. 16:03.766 --> 16:06.507 [SPEAKER_00]: And I feel like I love what I do. 16:07.828 --> 16:16.253 [SPEAKER_00]: Everything's amazing, but I do also think that there are going to be some reasons why I don't feel this natural pull to doing certain things. 16:16.633 --> 16:17.834 [SPEAKER_00]: Like some people they love to. 16:20.036 --> 16:45.527 [SPEAKER_00]: go to these events and network and are just so naturally good at it because it's what they're meant to do like they go and they just grow the social ladder and that's because that's literally what they're supposed to be doing and you can feel it like you you light up you activate you glow and I light up an activate yes in some ways in those environments but I light up activating glow in other ways that I don't always exercise and I think that that's what this trip showed me. 16:46.207 --> 17:03.742 [SPEAKER_00]: that I deserve to also feel that good doing something and maybe it's just not doing these certain things like I actually high-key don't want to always have to go to events like for me in my brain it's like I see myself getting to a place where I don't have to go to these things like it could be seen as 17:05.103 --> 17:15.290 [SPEAKER_00]: Oh, not the best use of my time and you know, you don't want to go to these events like once and while you go to certain things, but like It's actually not beneficial for you to do that for x, y and z. 17:15.350 --> 17:20.093 [SPEAKER_00]: Like that's the type of place that I see myself reaching and so that's okay. 17:20.113 --> 17:21.714 [SPEAKER_00]: Like that's fire. 17:21.734 --> 17:22.675 [SPEAKER_00]: Do you know what I'm saying? 17:23.636 --> 17:24.856 [SPEAKER_00]: I hope that this is making sense. 17:26.068 --> 17:34.959 [SPEAKER_00]: I'll stop rambling about the specific thing, but like that's just kind of what I realize and then I also realize like okay if you want to make music and you want to be an artist and that's what your soul. 17:35.397 --> 17:44.760 [SPEAKER_00]: What fulfills your soul, like you do also realize that that means you don't have to do the climb the social ladder and go to all these events, all the things that you don't love about what you do now. 17:45.160 --> 17:49.461 [SPEAKER_00]: You actually won't have to do them at all if you just pursue your dreams is what I'm trying to say. 17:49.902 --> 17:50.642 [SPEAKER_00]: And I realize that. 17:50.682 --> 17:54.363 [SPEAKER_00]: I'm like, wow, maybe this doesn't feel natural because it's actually not what I'm supposed to be doing. 17:54.423 --> 17:56.724 [SPEAKER_00]: And I'm supposed to be focusing my attention in a different way. 17:56.744 --> 18:03.546 [SPEAKER_00]: And people will learn who I am and know my name because of my art rather than because I'm showing up. 18:04.226 --> 18:05.988 [SPEAKER_00]: showing face at all these events. 18:06.709 --> 18:07.971 [SPEAKER_00]: Does that make, like, okay. 18:08.291 --> 18:09.713 [SPEAKER_00]: Anyways, so that's what I realized. 18:10.854 --> 18:17.582 [SPEAKER_00]: And also, I just realized that I'm getting older and as I get older, like the longer I go without 18:17.938 --> 18:22.100 [SPEAKER_00]: pursuing what I want to pursue the more like I will regret it. 18:22.361 --> 18:34.428 [SPEAKER_00]: And I even think about this in regards to my relationship and my boyfriend, like we always say to each other like, oh my gosh, like I wish we had more time together, even though we have the rest of our lives, it's like, no, no, no, that's not enough time. 18:34.808 --> 18:41.672 [SPEAKER_00]: Like when you're in love like that, it feels like I wish I could have seven lifetimes with you instead of just the rest of this one. 18:42.386 --> 18:59.041 [SPEAKER_00]: And I think that the same feeling goes for your soul's passions and the things that you love the most because at the end of the day, if you're going to wait till you're 35 to finally do the thing that you've been scared to do, what a waste of time to not have done it sooner. 18:59.161 --> 19:04.867 [SPEAKER_00]: And at the end of the day, it's best, it's like, okay, it doesn't really matter because as long as you're doing it in general. 19:05.347 --> 19:07.008 [SPEAKER_00]: It doesn't really matter when you do it, right? 19:07.028 --> 19:09.949 [SPEAKER_00]: Like, I do truly believe that and stand for that. 19:10.529 --> 19:19.013 [SPEAKER_00]: But I just think if we could remove the fear as fast as possible and get the roadblocks out of the way as fast as possible, that's the best option. 19:20.334 --> 19:25.516 [SPEAKER_00]: Because the more time that you get to do it, you love like the more fulfilling your life will be. 19:25.536 --> 19:26.676 [SPEAKER_00]: Do you know what I'm saying? 19:26.776 --> 19:29.618 [SPEAKER_00]: So I also just realized that I want to 19:31.104 --> 19:40.532 [SPEAKER_00]: Stop giving a fuck because how am I going to have a podcast called I don't gaff if I gaff About the most important thing in my life like what do I even gaff about? 19:41.533 --> 19:43.555 [SPEAKER_00]: I love to make music it makes me happy. 19:43.575 --> 19:45.296 [SPEAKER_00]: I'm good at it. 19:45.456 --> 19:51.682 [SPEAKER_00]: So that's obviously fucking nice So what's stopping me like there's literally nothing else. 19:51.702 --> 19:52.202 [SPEAKER_00]: That's about it. 19:52.242 --> 19:54.124 [SPEAKER_00]: It's just I'm out of practice so I think like 19:54.806 --> 19:57.229 [SPEAKER_00]: I'm like, oh, well, it's not as good as it could be. 19:57.309 --> 19:58.670 [SPEAKER_00]: Yeah, bitch, because you haven't done it in a long time. 19:58.690 --> 20:01.874 [SPEAKER_00]: Just do it and then it will get better literally with practice. 20:01.954 --> 20:02.634 [SPEAKER_00]: It's not that deep. 20:03.195 --> 20:07.259 [SPEAKER_00]: Okay, so yeah, that's my takeaway from this experience. 20:07.419 --> 20:11.123 [SPEAKER_00]: It was literally just like, uh, just supposing your time. 20:11.143 --> 20:15.068 [SPEAKER_00]: And then also, which is what I'm probably going to end up calling this episode. 20:15.128 --> 20:15.908 [SPEAKER_00]: It just came to me. 20:18.047 --> 20:23.551 [SPEAKER_00]: Just something about staying in motion and how important that is because you guys before I left for New York. 20:23.571 --> 20:25.392 [SPEAKER_00]: I'm going to be super super super super honest with you. 20:25.412 --> 20:27.114 [SPEAKER_00]: I was feeling really, really depressed. 20:27.474 --> 20:27.734 [SPEAKER_00]: Okay. 20:28.094 --> 20:31.537 [SPEAKER_00]: I've been feeling really down for a little while. 20:31.597 --> 20:32.117 [SPEAKER_00]: And I have. 20:33.518 --> 20:34.939 [SPEAKER_00]: bipolar disorder. 20:37.401 --> 20:41.624 [SPEAKER_00]: Why does that feel so it feels so weird to talk about, but like I want to be able to talk about stuff like that and not make it weird. 20:41.664 --> 20:42.325 [SPEAKER_00]: It's not to be weird. 20:42.745 --> 20:43.606 [SPEAKER_00]: I have bipolar to. 20:44.200 --> 20:51.441 [SPEAKER_00]: which basically means that you drop into depressive states for long periods of time and they're unpredictable. 20:51.781 --> 21:00.323 [SPEAKER_00]: My polar one is what most people know of where it's kind of crazy manic episodes and really a radic and stuff like that. 21:00.743 --> 21:02.263 [SPEAKER_00]: I don't have that version of my polar. 21:02.283 --> 21:12.105 [SPEAKER_00]: I have, it's literally the opposite, where I don't really get like that but I do get really down inside kind of super super randomly. 21:12.742 --> 21:18.129 [SPEAKER_00]: at the flip of a switch and it can last for a day, it can last for a week and last for a month or longer. 21:18.450 --> 21:27.842 [SPEAKER_00]: And I was in one of those states for literally like a month plus if I would have really like look back, I'd probably like wow, okay, it's been like kind of a long time. 21:28.322 --> 21:35.027 [SPEAKER_00]: But anyways, long story short, I was functioning, but it was really difficult and I was breaking down like nearly every day. 21:35.047 --> 21:49.698 [SPEAKER_00]: And so I realized that even just this trip to New York and being forced to be in motion, when I was not in very much motion at all, like I was, you know, getting my work done and doing the bare minimum of like, 21:50.663 --> 21:51.124 [SPEAKER_00]: my life. 21:51.244 --> 21:54.206 [SPEAKER_00]: But I also wasn't going above and beyond to do anything else. 21:54.246 --> 21:55.848 [SPEAKER_00]: I wasn't really going out that much. 21:55.888 --> 21:58.610 [SPEAKER_00]: I wasn't really fulfilling myself creatively that much. 21:58.650 --> 21:59.951 [SPEAKER_00]: I wasn't doing that much. 22:00.332 --> 22:00.992 [SPEAKER_00]: You know what I'm saying? 22:01.032 --> 22:02.253 [SPEAKER_00]: I was like not in motion. 22:02.694 --> 22:05.456 [SPEAKER_00]: And then going in New York forces me to get back in motion. 22:05.636 --> 22:11.381 [SPEAKER_00]: Forces me out made me excited to just like get ready and and do something. 22:12.202 --> 22:32.013 [SPEAKER_00]: And I came back so energized and what's so interesting too is I came back into my environment and I got upset again like I felt myself like going back to my old mindset and my old like wiring and I was like wow, it's literally my environment it is literally my environment and you want to know why because you guys like I said my beauty room was an absolute fucking disaster. 22:33.587 --> 22:37.590 [SPEAKER_00]: And your home environment is a reflection of you and what's going on inside your head. 22:37.890 --> 22:39.851 [SPEAKER_00]: So you can only imagine what's going on in my house right now. 22:40.351 --> 22:46.395 [SPEAKER_00]: It's really not that bad in comparison to like, I've seen some other people online, like show when their house is messy and I'm like, holy. 22:47.748 --> 22:51.351 [SPEAKER_00]: Fuck, I could not live like I couldn't live one day with my house looking like that. 22:51.391 --> 22:57.275 [SPEAKER_00]: So it's not that bad, but enough for me to feel scattered and like Just uninspired. 22:57.355 --> 22:59.096 [SPEAKER_00]: So I started cleaning out this room. 22:59.936 --> 23:01.678 [SPEAKER_00]: It's already looking so much better. 23:02.158 --> 23:11.084 [SPEAKER_00]: My closet is another way that Or another thing that's been really weighing on me because for me, my fashion sense is so important to me. 23:11.364 --> 23:12.025 [SPEAKER_00]: I love 23:12.865 --> 23:13.345 [SPEAKER_00]: fashion. 23:13.405 --> 23:15.887 [SPEAKER_00]: I think I love fashion a little bit more than I love makeup. 23:16.368 --> 23:28.056 [SPEAKER_00]: I love makeup, but like I can do the same makeup routine for the rest of my life and be good, but fashion like oh my gosh it literally is the one thing that activates me mentally. 23:28.116 --> 23:37.603 [SPEAKER_00]: Like it's super hard for me to explain but I feel like when I put on a certain outfit or I like feel confident in that way it really helps my mental health a lot. 23:38.083 --> 23:39.804 [SPEAKER_00]: So my closet is a disaster. 23:39.964 --> 23:44.928 [SPEAKER_00]: I had just have too much stuff coming in and I'm not taking out enough that there's just not enough room in my closet. 23:45.208 --> 23:49.671 [SPEAKER_00]: So I'm just throwing shit on top of other shit and it's like, I can't even see what I have. 23:50.052 --> 23:56.716 [SPEAKER_00]: So I can't even wear the things I love because it's so crazy in there that I'm just grabbing the same pair of shorts and wearing the same thing every day. 23:57.297 --> 23:58.558 [SPEAKER_00]: So that's not okay anymore. 23:58.598 --> 23:59.538 [SPEAKER_00]: Like I need to go out. 23:59.578 --> 24:01.580 [SPEAKER_00]: I literally cannot wait to do that. 24:01.700 --> 24:07.404 [SPEAKER_00]: I wanted to do it today but I'm posting, oh my gosh, I'm recording this and then I'm editing it, which takes me the entire day. 24:07.918 --> 24:11.480 [SPEAKER_00]: So maybe tomorrow, I can do that or sometimes this weekend, anyways, it doesn't matter. 24:12.520 --> 24:24.845 [SPEAKER_00]: Long story short, my environment has a huge role to play in my mental health and I realize that as well, during this trip, like, wow, okay, clear out your space, make your home feel more of a home. 24:24.965 --> 24:30.948 [SPEAKER_00]: Because I feel like my home is so beautiful, but I, there's some things that I definitely could do that I haven't done yet. 24:32.388 --> 24:33.849 [SPEAKER_00]: And I just have been neglecting 24:35.299 --> 24:36.359 [SPEAKER_00]: my environment a little bit. 24:36.379 --> 24:42.221 [SPEAKER_00]: I've been so focused on my work and I have a lot of my plates so I just definitely need to like outsourced or what's the word? 24:43.541 --> 24:44.141 [SPEAKER_00]: What's the word? 24:45.022 --> 24:57.945 [SPEAKER_00]: Hello, delegate tasks so that I can have more time to focus on my environment and like making my house nice and making sure it's always organized and like things like that are really important for me personally and I've just been neglecting it a lot. 24:58.651 --> 25:02.514 [SPEAKER_00]: And I truly think that this is why I always want to change my environment. 25:02.534 --> 25:05.056 [SPEAKER_00]: Like every year, I always want to break my lease and go somewhere else. 25:05.076 --> 25:14.804 [SPEAKER_00]: I think it's because I literally just let things pile up and start to feel so achy, instead of just clearing shut out consistently, like on a good schedule. 25:15.304 --> 25:19.067 [SPEAKER_00]: So that's something I'm going to be practicing now for the rest of my fucking life. 25:19.167 --> 25:21.829 [SPEAKER_00]: Because truly, like, I could feel the difference. 25:22.069 --> 25:24.331 [SPEAKER_00]: Just going away for a week and then coming back and like, wow. 25:25.952 --> 25:26.953 [SPEAKER_00]: like this is huge. 25:27.013 --> 25:44.363 [SPEAKER_00]: This is massive and I truly think that I could break out of these like lower spells that I get into or like lower moments if I just had a clean slate because could you imagine waking up every morning and like looking around in your home so gorgeous feels so grateful so inspired to be there. 25:44.403 --> 25:46.764 [SPEAKER_00]: So you start off your day already with like 25:47.300 --> 25:52.843 [SPEAKER_00]: beautiful gratitude and then you come out of your room and then you look at all your beautiful new makeup. 25:52.863 --> 25:55.204 [SPEAKER_00]: You can't wait to play with it all and try it all out. 25:55.444 --> 25:57.005 [SPEAKER_00]: You look at the new outfits you just got. 25:57.025 --> 25:58.706 [SPEAKER_00]: You can not wait to style them. 25:58.746 --> 26:09.812 [SPEAKER_00]: Like things like that or even just like, oh my gosh, making plans with your friends, even the next week, two weeks out, whatever it takes and like making time for that or setting up travel plans like for me. 26:10.332 --> 26:12.373 [SPEAKER_00]: There hasn't really been anything stopping me from traveling. 26:12.433 --> 26:13.154 [SPEAKER_00]: I think I just like, 26:14.163 --> 26:15.083 [SPEAKER_00]: haven't been doing it. 26:15.283 --> 26:18.204 [SPEAKER_00]: And now, after that, I'm like, what the hell am I doing at home so much? 26:18.244 --> 26:24.085 [SPEAKER_00]: Like, if we have the funds and we have the resources, we should be utilizing. 26:24.806 --> 26:28.646 [SPEAKER_00]: Yes, and also for my job, it's also like beneficial to leave and do stuff. 26:28.686 --> 26:35.148 [SPEAKER_00]: So I'm rambling you guys, but this was everything that I took away from this trip personally. 26:35.528 --> 26:39.329 [SPEAKER_00]: And, um, man, I also just think that like, 26:41.042 --> 26:43.584 [SPEAKER_00]: I don't know, I just want to start going to New York more often. 26:43.604 --> 26:58.937 [SPEAKER_00]: I maybe just other places in general too, but specifically going there and coming back, like it feels like, excuse me, if it feels like I got high in New York, okay, you know, actually, but like metaphorically. 26:59.578 --> 27:03.041 [SPEAKER_00]: And then it feels like the high is lasting, if that makes sense. 27:03.061 --> 27:07.925 [SPEAKER_00]: Like I New York brings me up energetically, literally like levitate me into another. 27:09.417 --> 27:09.797 [SPEAKER_00]: playing. 27:10.137 --> 27:14.540 [SPEAKER_00]: This is this sounds so goofy, but this is how like I don't know how to explain it. 27:14.700 --> 27:29.349 [SPEAKER_00]: If you their lover, you hate New York and if you've been to New York and you love it, you might understand what I'm saying or you might have this feeling about another place that you travel to, but it literally like pulls me up energetically and then like I come back home I'm able to like just be in a different plane energetically. 27:30.029 --> 27:44.536 [SPEAKER_00]: and um i feel like before i left i was down here so now i'm up here and i just want to literally read the wave and stay in motion for as long as i possibly can because at the end of the day my mom was actually telling me this the other day when i told her how i was feeling after New York she was saying that um 27:45.403 --> 27:51.308 [SPEAKER_00]: Once you have the fire and you do something or you go somewhere and it ignites that fire you do not want it to burn out. 27:51.388 --> 27:55.732 [SPEAKER_00]: So you want to keep that fire going for as long as you can, which means that's the best time. 27:55.812 --> 28:06.802 [SPEAKER_00]: Once you're on fire, that's the best time to just keep grinding and like do not stop doing the things that make you feel good because the minute that you put the fire out, you have to rebuild it and light it up again. 28:07.102 --> 28:08.463 [SPEAKER_00]: And that is the hardest part. 28:08.743 --> 28:12.767 [SPEAKER_00]: The hardest part is getting the fire to light and like starting the fire. 28:13.127 --> 28:18.712 [SPEAKER_00]: Once the virus already started keeping it alive is a breeze, it's just like a lot of times we are successful. 28:19.032 --> 28:41.350 [SPEAKER_00]: We do something while it works and then we take a vacation or we take a break and it's like taking breaks are amazing But I think we should be scheduling breaks into the daily routine instead of Going really really hard for a little bit then seeing success and then stopping like that has been my fatal flaw For a long time as I like grind grind grind and then I burn myself out then I stop and then like I have to keep rebuilding the fire 28:41.777 --> 28:45.419 [SPEAKER_00]: So now that the fire is lit, we're gonna keep it going. 28:45.499 --> 28:48.740 [SPEAKER_00]: It's gonna be saying, so yeah, that is everything I learned. 28:48.900 --> 28:51.402 [SPEAKER_00]: I know that this was very much like about me in my life. 28:51.562 --> 28:55.944 [SPEAKER_00]: And so I hope that you guys don't mind cause obviously I'm gonna share what's happening in my life. 28:56.004 --> 29:02.127 [SPEAKER_00]: And I mean yeah, that's where like I pull all of my ideas from is literally my life experiences. 29:02.207 --> 29:04.748 [SPEAKER_00]: And this was like a huge, huge, huge one for me. 29:05.548 --> 29:07.549 [SPEAKER_00]: So, yeah, I'm really excited. 29:07.649 --> 29:14.754 [SPEAKER_00]: I also just want to say that I'm going to try to do the weekly episodes that I told you last time. 29:14.874 --> 29:16.795 [SPEAKER_00]: I'm in the process of looking for an editor. 29:17.335 --> 29:21.658 [SPEAKER_00]: So, to be determined, once I have an editor you guys, nothing will be stopping me. 29:21.738 --> 29:28.242 [SPEAKER_00]: It's just truly a lot of work to keep up with my normal job, like my normal content and stuff, and then 29:28.793 --> 29:30.715 [SPEAKER_00]: have this and be posting this at the same time. 29:30.775 --> 29:39.323 [SPEAKER_00]: I've been really trying my best, but I have not been that successful at posting on Instagram and TikTok on this podcast page, because it's just like so much work. 29:39.803 --> 29:50.493 [SPEAKER_00]: So anyway, I'm in the process, fingers crossed, I can get that figured out this week next week, something like that so that I can keep posting for you guys every week because I have so much fun doing this and I know you guys are loving it too. 29:50.513 --> 29:51.454 [SPEAKER_00]: New, oh. 29:53.315 --> 29:54.276 [SPEAKER_00]: They keep falling. 29:54.296 --> 29:54.996 [SPEAKER_00]: I don't know what. 29:55.036 --> 30:09.624 [SPEAKER_00]: I'm new post notes are up and we'll keep adding them if you guys didn't know if you're new here We are writing a mantra or some sort of takeaway from each episode in the comments and then I'm choosing one writing an honest sticky note And I literally want my wall to be filled with sticky notes during the sand. 30:09.664 --> 30:10.024 [SPEAKER_00]: I want them. 30:10.284 --> 30:13.526 [SPEAKER_00]: I want this ship filled up Till like they're stacked on top of each other. 30:13.546 --> 30:14.447 [SPEAKER_00]: I just need it. 30:14.907 --> 30:22.351 [SPEAKER_00]: So we're gonna keep it going comment your mantra comment your takeaway whatever it was down below Also let me know like I said 30:22.878 --> 30:40.383 [SPEAKER_00]: If you like these kind of like chatty catch up style videos and if there's anything else specifically that you want me to talk about or that you guys want to see for me let me know and that can be an any regard it can be this podcast that can be on my personal pages which if you don't follow me everywhere it's ony baby with three days in baby. 30:41.528 --> 31:01.842 [SPEAKER_00]: And then the I don't have pod everywhere else so yeah you guys thanks for hanging out with me again I love you so much and I'm gonna keep the fire going I hope that you do too even if you're not in motion right now or you don't feel like there's like some sort of excitement going on in your life You can easily create it whether it's by like I said before with the rebrand season 31:02.281 --> 31:10.947 [SPEAKER_00]: Changing your hair color, getting a little chop, getting a new outfit, getting a new pair of sunglasses and every time we were the glasses, they like activate you to what I'm saying. 31:11.207 --> 31:21.895 [SPEAKER_00]: Oh my god, listening to a certain artist, my favorite artist right now, every time I listen to him, it literally activates like that like bad bitch alter ego within me is Leo Shavey. 31:22.455 --> 31:24.276 [SPEAKER_00]: Or does it pronounce low shavey? 31:24.396 --> 31:24.917 [SPEAKER_00]: Like I don't know. 31:25.337 --> 31:28.519 [SPEAKER_00]: But I'm obsessed with him, run the world, my favorite song right now. 31:30.330 --> 31:41.327 [SPEAKER_00]: or like what's that other one seduce you how much money can I throw to seduce you how much money can I throw to seduce you how much money can I throw to seduce you yeah seduce you oh my god 31:42.065 --> 31:42.785 [SPEAKER_00]: literally so good. 31:42.845 --> 32:01.614 [SPEAKER_00]: So anyways, all that to say, I love you guys and I really hope that you take something from this and hopefully we can keep each other accountable, bounce ideas on each other, just like energetically do this together because I know that sometimes I need somebody to be on my ass a little bit. 32:01.674 --> 32:03.975 [SPEAKER_00]: So I'll do that for you guys as well if you need it. 32:04.535 --> 32:05.996 [SPEAKER_00]: And yeah, I love you guys so much. 32:06.056 --> 32:08.597 [SPEAKER_00]: Thanks for hanging out with me and I will see you next time. 32:08.777 --> 32:08.997 [SPEAKER_00]: Bye.