WEBVTT 00:00.226 --> 00:07.074 [SPEAKER_00]: You're supposed to be sleeping, but what you're doing is lying there in the dark thinking about all the things. 00:07.314 --> 00:09.517 [SPEAKER_00]: Why did I say that stupid thing in the meeting today? 00:09.777 --> 00:12.840 [SPEAKER_00]: Is the chicken still good or does it have to get cooked tomorrow? 00:13.321 --> 00:15.904 [SPEAKER_00]: Did the permission slip get signed for the field trip? 00:16.404 --> 00:18.467 [SPEAKER_00]: And oh, I forgot to call my mom back. 00:19.305 --> 00:22.869 [SPEAKER_00]: That's the mental load and it's why you're so tired. 00:23.329 --> 00:26.552 [SPEAKER_00]: This isn't about better sleep or having more downtime. 00:26.672 --> 00:29.916 [SPEAKER_00]: It's about the things you don't realize you're carrying. 00:30.056 --> 00:34.640 [SPEAKER_00]: So today, you're going to learn what mental load really is. 00:35.301 --> 00:39.005 [SPEAKER_00]: Why it doesn't get one bit lighter when somebody offers to help. 00:39.545 --> 00:41.467 [SPEAKER_00]: And five things you can do about it. 00:41.627 --> 00:42.328 [SPEAKER_00]: So stay tuned. 00:44.661 --> 00:58.667 [SPEAKER_00]: Welcome to the Relationships Made Easy Podcast, where I give you the exact steps to create connection, joy, and ease in all your relationships, whether it's with your partner, your family, your friends, or most importantly yourself. 00:59.367 --> 01:06.330 [SPEAKER_00]: I'm Dr. Abby Medkath, psychologist, bestselling author, TEDx, speaker, and the bossy Jewish mom you didn't know you needed. 01:07.010 --> 01:16.836 [SPEAKER_00]: Each week you'll get no nonsense, research back strategies, serve with humor and love, so you can stop second-guessing yourself and start having the relationships you deserve. 01:17.516 --> 01:23.440 [SPEAKER_00]: You'll always leave knowing exactly what to say and do to shift your relationships for the better. 01:23.940 --> 01:24.801 [SPEAKER_00]: So let's get to it. 01:27.686 --> 01:29.647 [SPEAKER_00]: welcome back to the podcast. 01:29.727 --> 01:33.429 [SPEAKER_00]: I'm very excited about today's topic. 01:34.090 --> 01:43.675 [SPEAKER_00]: I've talked about it a little before, where I talked about so discipline and how many units we have and will power, but I'm doing a whole different kind of approach today. 01:43.795 --> 01:51.079 [SPEAKER_00]: So get ready and a quick shout out that my new book is coming out on September 29th of 2026. 01:51.720 --> 01:53.381 [SPEAKER_00]: Maybe a little earlier, we'll see if we can drop it 01:54.481 --> 02:01.974 [SPEAKER_00]: It's called stop reacting start connecting and I'm really excited about it, but we'll talk more about it when we get closer. 02:02.134 --> 02:05.440 [SPEAKER_00]: So what is the mental load? 02:05.520 --> 02:06.342 [SPEAKER_00]: What is the mental load? 02:06.362 --> 02:07.103 [SPEAKER_00]: The mental load. 02:08.103 --> 02:12.225 [SPEAKER_00]: is the thinking work behind the doing work. 02:12.485 --> 02:18.567 [SPEAKER_00]: It's the running list of what needs to happen, who needs what, what's coming. 02:19.428 --> 02:24.670 [SPEAKER_00]: And that list, it's always running in your head, even when you're not thinking about it. 02:24.690 --> 02:28.071 [SPEAKER_00]: And that's sort of the key I want to get very clear on today. 02:28.592 --> 02:30.732 [SPEAKER_00]: I always say, right, we're fish who don't know we're wet. 02:30.852 --> 02:32.973 [SPEAKER_00]: And this is definitely one of those times. 02:33.814 --> 02:36.195 [SPEAKER_00]: So I want you to think about having 02:37.087 --> 02:42.509 [SPEAKER_00]: I don't know, you know, 30 tabs open on your computer and you're only using two of them. 02:43.009 --> 02:48.710 [SPEAKER_00]: But your computer is slow and it's taking forever to load or to do the simplest thing. 02:49.351 --> 02:54.212 [SPEAKER_00]: But you, if you close one tab, it's not gonna fix the issue, right? 02:54.272 --> 02:56.313 [SPEAKER_00]: Because one tab isn't the issue. 02:56.393 --> 02:58.533 [SPEAKER_00]: It's having all 30 open at the same time. 02:59.013 --> 03:03.515 [SPEAKER_00]: So I want you to think of your mental load as all those open tabs. 03:05.463 --> 03:17.186 [SPEAKER_00]: What I call your emotional band with, I've talked about that a lot, your emotional bandwidth is equivalent in this metaphor to your computer's memory, you know, your RAM. 03:17.666 --> 03:24.268 [SPEAKER_00]: It's how much your machine, your brain can hold open at one time. 03:24.508 --> 03:29.509 [SPEAKER_00]: Before it starts to lag, how many tabs can you have open before it starts to slow down? 03:30.389 --> 03:33.751 [SPEAKER_00]: So your bandwidth isn't about how much you can get done. 03:33.771 --> 03:34.692 [SPEAKER_00]: I want to be really clear. 03:34.752 --> 03:46.720 [SPEAKER_00]: It's about how much you can take in and respond to before you start, you know, dropping things, snapping it people, shutting down completely any of that. 03:46.780 --> 03:49.401 [SPEAKER_00]: So, and everybody has tabs open. 03:49.501 --> 03:50.782 [SPEAKER_00]: I do you do we all do. 03:51.263 --> 03:54.285 [SPEAKER_00]: We know from the research that the mental load, 03:55.125 --> 04:01.349 [SPEAKER_00]: it shows up for everybody, for dads, for moms, for single parents, for anybody caring for somebody else. 04:01.870 --> 04:03.110 [SPEAKER_00]: But I want to be clear today. 04:03.291 --> 04:08.114 [SPEAKER_00]: It also shows up if you live alone and don't take care of anybody and don't have kids. 04:08.334 --> 04:11.836 [SPEAKER_00]: Yeah, single people with no kids have a mental load too. 04:12.537 --> 04:16.399 [SPEAKER_00]: And it's just as valid as everyone else's. 04:16.659 --> 04:19.962 [SPEAKER_00]: I got to tell you, I get very pissed off when I hear people 04:20.822 --> 04:25.873 [SPEAKER_00]: sort of, you know, with kids, Mary, people, kids kind of comparing themselves like, oh, those single people don't unlock you to have it. 04:25.914 --> 04:27.317 [SPEAKER_00]: It's like, then don't have kids. 04:28.235 --> 04:29.496 [SPEAKER_00]: I say would love, okay? 04:30.277 --> 04:54.697 [SPEAKER_00]: And I'm not saying I haven't thought that right in my head, like just, but really about myself, I'll remember, you know, and I thought, oh, but then I remember, I had other stuff going on because it, before I was, you know, Mary, but kids, I didn't have a partner, I was looking for love, maybe I was, I used to smoke way back in the day, I was trying to, I know, I used to try stuff, smoking, I am getting over my heroin addiction. 04:55.178 --> 04:56.339 [SPEAKER_00]: I always had stuff. 04:57.019 --> 05:02.920 [SPEAKER_00]: Okay, and so did you, so please, let's not get into this comparison bullshit. 05:02.980 --> 05:12.622 [SPEAKER_00]: It's just really what it is, excuse my language, but I don't usually swear on the podcast, but sometimes I need to, because and I have found that my single clients do it to themselves. 05:13.123 --> 05:17.183 [SPEAKER_00]: But like, well, I know I don't have kids or my sister's busier because she has the kit. 05:17.243 --> 05:19.444 [SPEAKER_00]: I'm like, stop it, just stop it, stop. 05:20.024 --> 05:21.225 [SPEAKER_00]: diminishing yourself. 05:21.285 --> 05:29.331 [SPEAKER_00]: Now, I'm also going to say that I'm going to give a lot of examples today around kind of partnered couples and things, but everything applies to everybody, but we'll get there. 05:29.911 --> 05:37.357 [SPEAKER_00]: So, but I want to say this, it for me, if I've got something I can't handle. 05:38.910 --> 05:55.903 [SPEAKER_00]: Yes, like I can hand it off to my partner or even one of my grown kids, but if you live by yourself, there's nobody right there to catch the thing you drop so that the monitoring you need to to do to make your life work that the vigilance you need doesn't get a break. 05:56.463 --> 05:57.924 [SPEAKER_00]: I know it's not. 05:58.805 --> 06:02.547 [SPEAKER_00]: It's not less than what, like, a mom of three is carrying. 06:02.688 --> 06:04.429 [SPEAKER_00]: It's just a different set of tabs. 06:04.529 --> 06:05.349 [SPEAKER_00]: I guess it's low. 06:05.369 --> 06:05.730 [SPEAKER_00]: Look at me. 06:05.750 --> 06:06.690 [SPEAKER_00]: That was a good way to say that. 06:07.431 --> 06:07.951 [SPEAKER_00]: Right that down. 06:08.031 --> 06:09.312 [SPEAKER_00]: That was a good way to say that, okay? 06:09.412 --> 06:12.554 [SPEAKER_00]: So, again, I don't want to diminish anyone's anything. 06:12.574 --> 06:13.815 [SPEAKER_00]: And we're going to talk about all that today. 06:13.895 --> 06:14.075 [SPEAKER_00]: So, 06:14.977 --> 06:19.081 [SPEAKER_00]: because maybe you're the adult child in charge of a parent. 06:19.662 --> 06:30.974 [SPEAKER_00]: So maybe you're holding their medication list, all the insurance nonsense, if you're at least hearing the United States, if you live here, the appointments, which Dr. said, what, and that's all in addition to the rest of your life. 06:32.075 --> 06:45.643 [SPEAKER_00]: Or maybe you're the roommate who's the only one who knows when the rent is due, or maybe you're the one person in that friend group who notices what it's been too long, and that's the only reason that the group still exists kind of thing, right? 06:46.063 --> 06:51.607 [SPEAKER_00]: You know, different tabs, different amounts of memory, you know, ram, same issue. 06:52.027 --> 06:54.289 [SPEAKER_00]: That's really what I'm going to try to say. 06:54.329 --> 06:59.473 [SPEAKER_00]: And again, I'm going to be using a lot of examples of mental load with couples today. 07:00.453 --> 07:01.594 [SPEAKER_00]: Because that's really the complaints. 07:01.614 --> 07:06.278 [SPEAKER_00]: I hear the most, you know, like household chore divisions and things like that, emotional labor. 07:06.858 --> 07:10.121 [SPEAKER_00]: But I'm going to give love to you if your single would know kids. 07:10.281 --> 07:15.104 [SPEAKER_00]: So know that all the information today will be useful, no matter what your situation, okay? 07:15.304 --> 07:17.506 [SPEAKER_00]: So, you know, you can extrapolate to other things. 07:20.125 --> 07:38.711 [SPEAKER_00]: When I was researching and whenever I talk about the research for any of my new people listening or the free I have a great free download today or anything else you can go below the video if you're watching on YouTube or go to the website on the look at the episode I write a full blog for every single episode. 07:39.291 --> 07:42.294 [SPEAKER_00]: I've been doing that way before AI, thank you very much. 07:43.335 --> 07:46.458 [SPEAKER_00]: And I, all the links are there to the research. 07:46.578 --> 07:49.061 [SPEAKER_00]: When I say the research says, you can go find it. 07:49.181 --> 07:51.363 [SPEAKER_00]: Okay, so you can go look yourself at all the things. 07:51.403 --> 07:55.667 [SPEAKER_00]: But as, as people know who been with me a while, I love the research. 07:56.468 --> 07:57.929 [SPEAKER_00]: So I like reading it, but anyway. 07:58.870 --> 08:05.956 [SPEAKER_00]: So when I was researching this, it's actually a piece of research I came across a couple of years ago that I kept thinking, oh, I want to do an episode on that. 08:05.976 --> 08:06.977 [SPEAKER_00]: I want to do an episode on that. 08:07.057 --> 08:08.138 [SPEAKER_00]: So here I finally am. 08:08.178 --> 08:12.803 [SPEAKER_00]: But anyway, and it's the four parts of the mental load. 08:12.883 --> 08:14.764 [SPEAKER_00]: Okay, again, this is recent research. 08:14.824 --> 08:17.186 [SPEAKER_00]: I think it was 2023, is what I want to say, but 08:19.348 --> 08:20.189 [SPEAKER_00]: you can check yourself. 08:20.269 --> 08:25.215 [SPEAKER_00]: It's recent and it's showing the mental load. 08:25.835 --> 08:36.667 [SPEAKER_00]: It breaks down into four parts and I think this is really going to help you because it really, it actually helped me think differently and talk differently in my clients about this and why it's so hard. 08:37.888 --> 08:38.589 [SPEAKER_00]: It's going to make sense. 08:38.649 --> 08:39.430 [SPEAKER_00]: Okay, stick with me. 08:39.470 --> 08:39.730 [SPEAKER_00]: All right. 08:40.050 --> 08:42.152 [SPEAKER_00]: So there's four parts of mental load, four parts. 08:42.552 --> 08:43.954 [SPEAKER_00]: One is anticipating. 08:43.974 --> 08:52.001 [SPEAKER_00]: Okay, that is when you, that's noticing that something is going to be needed before anybody sends it out loud, right? 08:52.241 --> 08:53.222 [SPEAKER_00]: So, you know, 08:54.022 --> 09:06.933 [SPEAKER_00]: When I know that my, I'm already thinking like, oh, my kid has, you know, baseball practice tomorrow, I have to make sure that his uniform is or baseball game tomorrow. 09:06.953 --> 09:10.375 [SPEAKER_00]: I have to make sure his uniforms clean and that his cleats are found and you know what I mean? 09:10.395 --> 09:12.397 [SPEAKER_00]: You're already, oh, how are we going to get snack? 09:12.897 --> 09:16.180 [SPEAKER_00]: You know, make sure he eats before the game because then go directly from here. 09:16.240 --> 09:19.683 [SPEAKER_00]: You know, it's all that anticipating you're already thinking you're a project at work. 09:20.263 --> 09:20.503 [SPEAKER_00]: Right? 09:20.523 --> 09:21.884 [SPEAKER_00]: You're already thinking about it. 09:22.084 --> 09:23.065 [SPEAKER_00]: That's anticipating. 09:23.185 --> 09:25.086 [SPEAKER_00]: Two is identifying your options, right? 09:25.426 --> 09:27.808 [SPEAKER_00]: That's figuring out what could be done about it. 09:27.848 --> 09:29.049 [SPEAKER_00]: That's the problem solving part. 09:29.769 --> 09:31.571 [SPEAKER_00]: The third part is the deciding. 09:31.711 --> 09:36.033 [SPEAKER_00]: That's so that, you know, it's picking one of the options and committing to it, okay? 09:36.093 --> 09:36.914 [SPEAKER_00]: So that's that part. 09:37.374 --> 09:40.116 [SPEAKER_00]: And then the fourth part is the monitoring. 09:40.636 --> 09:42.778 [SPEAKER_00]: That's the checking. 09:43.398 --> 10:06.198 [SPEAKER_00]: That the thing you decided got done and then checking again because you know you keep monitor monitoring it, right now deciding That's the part everybody can see and it's the part that gets shared with others most often the deciding okay Like you know I might like so I might have said to my husband in those days like 10:07.183 --> 10:09.704 [SPEAKER_00]: pay, max has a game tomorrow. 10:09.944 --> 10:10.904 [SPEAKER_00]: Can you get off work? 10:10.924 --> 10:12.045 [SPEAKER_00]: Can you bring him over? 10:12.065 --> 10:14.766 [SPEAKER_00]: Or can you make sure his uniform is out? 10:14.846 --> 10:15.486 [SPEAKER_00]: You know what I write? 10:15.926 --> 10:19.948 [SPEAKER_00]: So, but I'd already done all the thinking before all the anticipating and stuff. 10:20.208 --> 10:21.088 [SPEAKER_00]: Do you see the bit right? 10:21.789 --> 10:24.290 [SPEAKER_00]: So, it's the anticipating and the monitoring. 10:24.790 --> 10:30.152 [SPEAKER_00]: So, the deciding part, you know, and the following through with that, that's the easier part. 10:30.212 --> 10:35.034 [SPEAKER_00]: And that's the part we talk about, we share, but that anticipating and the monitoring. 10:35.714 --> 10:46.058 [SPEAKER_00]: So then me maybe checking my, oh, you know, checking with Max or my husband like, hey, do you have your uniform just making sure that it was out ready for you something like that, right, did you remember to bring his cleats. 10:46.138 --> 10:50.660 [SPEAKER_00]: Did you did he get something to eat because, you know, he has the game and he he. 10:51.020 --> 10:52.301 [SPEAKER_00]: isn't always hungry before that. 10:52.341 --> 10:52.661 [SPEAKER_00]: Right? 10:52.761 --> 10:54.102 [SPEAKER_00]: That's the monitoring. 10:54.642 --> 10:56.843 [SPEAKER_00]: And that's where all the weight is. 10:57.083 --> 10:59.444 [SPEAKER_00]: That's where all the meat of this is. 10:59.564 --> 11:02.206 [SPEAKER_00]: And those that that anticipating in the monitoring. 11:02.266 --> 11:05.727 [SPEAKER_00]: And those are the two that nobody else can see. 11:05.787 --> 11:08.189 [SPEAKER_00]: And by the way, sometimes you can't see that you're even doing it. 11:08.329 --> 11:08.589 [SPEAKER_00]: Right? 11:08.689 --> 11:10.610 [SPEAKER_00]: You just sort of, it's on automatic pilot. 11:10.630 --> 11:11.550 [SPEAKER_00]: You don't even notice it. 11:12.391 --> 11:12.591 [SPEAKER_00]: So. 11:14.416 --> 11:20.141 [SPEAKER_00]: And so I want to take a moment and tell you about a client I have, and we're going to call her Jennifer right now. 11:20.261 --> 11:24.804 [SPEAKER_00]: So, and this just happened, which is why I'm loving it right this minute. 11:24.964 --> 11:32.510 [SPEAKER_00]: Okay, Jennifer is married and she has two kids and she hates dinner time and everything attached to it. 11:32.530 --> 11:33.871 [SPEAKER_00]: Okay, hates dinner. 11:33.891 --> 11:35.913 [SPEAKER_00]: We've been talking about dinner for a few months now. 11:36.873 --> 11:41.636 [SPEAKER_00]: Now, let me see this, her husband, he's a good guy, he's trying, okay? 11:42.057 --> 11:47.760 [SPEAKER_00]: So he said what most partners say and he said, which is that, he's told her, I'll make dinner. 11:47.801 --> 11:48.521 [SPEAKER_00]: Hey, I'll make dinner. 11:48.561 --> 11:48.981 [SPEAKER_00]: It's fine. 11:49.041 --> 11:49.822 [SPEAKER_00]: It's no big deal. 11:50.022 --> 11:52.304 [SPEAKER_00]: I hate that it's so annoying for you. 11:52.384 --> 11:54.485 [SPEAKER_00]: I hate that, you know, that it's hard for you. 11:54.665 --> 11:55.165 [SPEAKER_00]: I'll make it. 11:55.606 --> 11:59.528 [SPEAKER_00]: But the actual making of dinner isn't really the issue. 12:00.789 --> 12:02.069 [SPEAKER_00]: all the rest of it. 12:02.509 --> 12:03.590 [SPEAKER_00]: It's the grocery shopping. 12:03.990 --> 12:06.550 [SPEAKER_00]: It's figuring out the meals that everyone will eat. 12:06.770 --> 12:08.310 [SPEAKER_00]: So she doesn't, you know, you think, right? 12:08.450 --> 12:12.251 [SPEAKER_00]: Like, you don't have to make a different meal for each kid and your husband and yourself, right? 12:12.551 --> 12:16.372 [SPEAKER_00]: It's knowing that the meat in the fridge has to get used by Tuesday. 12:16.692 --> 12:21.253 [SPEAKER_00]: So the chicken that's in the fridge has to wait until Friday because that has a later expiration date. 12:21.613 --> 12:26.114 [SPEAKER_00]: It's remembering that their son is getting a cavity filled at three o'clock. 12:26.254 --> 12:27.614 [SPEAKER_00]: So his mouth is gonna be sore. 12:28.014 --> 12:36.699 [SPEAKER_00]: which means tonight dinner tonight's dinner has to be something soft or he won't eat and then he'll be up late because he's hungry and cranky and guess who's going to be up with him. 12:36.719 --> 12:39.681 [SPEAKER_00]: All right, and that's only part of it. 12:41.287 --> 12:45.770 [SPEAKER_00]: It's not about just making dinner, that is my point. 12:46.150 --> 12:48.212 [SPEAKER_00]: And what's funny, this is a crazy part. 12:48.532 --> 12:50.773 [SPEAKER_00]: Jennifer, my client, we've had this conversation. 12:51.013 --> 12:52.814 [SPEAKER_00]: She actually likes making dinner. 12:52.854 --> 12:53.915 [SPEAKER_00]: She likes cooking. 12:53.975 --> 12:56.577 [SPEAKER_00]: She finds it zen, I do too, by the way, we bond over this. 12:56.997 --> 12:59.358 [SPEAKER_00]: We both find it very zen to do the kind of cooking. 12:59.999 --> 13:06.143 [SPEAKER_00]: But so that the physical making of the dinner isn't what she really needed help with. 13:06.323 --> 13:07.363 [SPEAKER_00]: That wasn't the problem. 13:07.543 --> 13:09.425 [SPEAKER_00]: She want to help with everything else related to dinner. 13:10.225 --> 13:20.969 [SPEAKER_00]: Her mental load, do you hear the mental load, is about carrying a whole working model of dinner, of her household, and how it relates to dinner. 13:21.509 --> 13:26.631 [SPEAKER_00]: All day, all the pieces are running in her head, updating that computer. 13:26.671 --> 13:27.811 [SPEAKER_00]: It's updating all day long. 13:28.131 --> 13:29.171 [SPEAKER_00]: And her husband, 13:40.992 --> 13:42.273 [SPEAKER_00]: And this is what's key. 13:42.333 --> 13:44.514 [SPEAKER_00]: That's why the offer didn't help her. 13:44.694 --> 13:54.781 [SPEAKER_00]: And it's also why she couldn't explain what was wrong with it without sounding like an uncraightful bitch who turns down health. 13:54.861 --> 13:55.882 [SPEAKER_00]: Excuse my language again. 13:55.962 --> 13:57.923 [SPEAKER_00]: I'm going to be, oh, I'm going to be Sassy. 13:58.103 --> 14:00.465 [SPEAKER_00]: And this episode clearly I'm going to be spicy today. 14:01.205 --> 14:01.966 [SPEAKER_00]: do you get it though? 14:01.986 --> 14:02.867 [SPEAKER_00]: Do you hear what I'm saying? 14:03.507 --> 14:04.528 [SPEAKER_00]: And I hear this a lot. 14:05.108 --> 14:15.876 [SPEAKER_00]: I'll hear the husband say, but well, I offered to help and I'm going to talk about help again in a minute, but whatever to help and she said no or she just wants to do herself or whatever and it's because we have a very hard time. 14:17.140 --> 14:19.543 [SPEAKER_00]: breaking it down to the level I just broke it down to. 14:20.263 --> 14:21.825 [SPEAKER_00]: It's not about making dinner. 14:21.965 --> 14:25.829 [SPEAKER_00]: It's not about taking the one little piece of execution. 14:25.989 --> 14:27.691 [SPEAKER_00]: It's about all of it. 14:28.292 --> 14:32.676 [SPEAKER_00]: And this is what makes it different from being busy, right? 14:33.157 --> 14:35.559 [SPEAKER_00]: Physical work ends, right? 14:35.579 --> 14:37.641 [SPEAKER_00]: You do the dishes and the dishes are done. 14:38.622 --> 14:40.803 [SPEAKER_00]: at least until breakfast the next morning, right? 14:41.944 --> 14:44.505 [SPEAKER_00]: But the mental load is invisible. 14:44.625 --> 14:55.370 [SPEAKER_00]: It's got no boundaries, it doesn't finish, it goes to work with you, it comes on vacation with you, and it keeps you up at night as I was mentioning in the beginning. 14:55.530 --> 15:03.334 [SPEAKER_00]: I can remember going on vacation used to feel exhausting for me, because when the kids were little, because that 15:06.475 --> 15:10.596 [SPEAKER_00]: Right, who took on the, you know, do we, do they have swim? 15:10.616 --> 15:11.916 [SPEAKER_00]: Do they have swimsuits that fit? 15:12.156 --> 15:14.197 [SPEAKER_00]: Let alone packing the swimsuits, right? 15:14.637 --> 15:19.177 [SPEAKER_00]: Does, you know, is that one little swimsuit that McCartney has? 15:19.217 --> 15:25.139 [SPEAKER_00]: Yes, she's got two of them, but the one she hates because it digs into her side and I haven't gotten rid of it yet or something, whatever, right? 15:25.579 --> 15:27.979 [SPEAKER_00]: Or I'm keeping it in case of emergency or whatever. 15:28.379 --> 15:29.860 [SPEAKER_00]: It's all of that. 15:30.280 --> 15:30.540 [SPEAKER_00]: Okay. 15:32.260 --> 15:37.587 [SPEAKER_00]: So let's talk about why doesn't it help when someone helps, which I've kind of already said, but I want to say better. 15:38.712 --> 15:43.254 [SPEAKER_00]: So let's say you're a woman in a heterosexual relationship. 15:43.294 --> 15:44.195 [SPEAKER_00]: I'm just gonna go there. 15:44.215 --> 15:50.458 [SPEAKER_00]: I know again, I'm gonna talk to the single folks too, but, okay, this is one I hear the most, okay? 15:50.558 --> 15:53.520 [SPEAKER_00]: And you might be too women in a relationship or anything else. 15:53.680 --> 15:59.283 [SPEAKER_00]: I'm, and these can all apply anywhere, but I'm talking about you're a woman in a heterosexual relationship. 15:59.783 --> 16:02.064 [SPEAKER_00]: And there you got, you got a kid. 16:02.385 --> 16:04.566 [SPEAKER_00]: And that kid is up at two in the morning with a fever. 16:05.206 --> 16:07.987 [SPEAKER_00]: Now, your partner says, oh, I'll get up, right? 16:08.167 --> 16:09.867 [SPEAKER_00]: Your partner says, I'll get up, I'll handle this. 16:09.987 --> 16:10.808 [SPEAKER_00]: And that's real. 16:11.048 --> 16:11.528 [SPEAKER_00]: That's great. 16:11.608 --> 16:12.768 [SPEAKER_00]: I don't want to take that away from him. 16:13.648 --> 16:15.449 [SPEAKER_00]: But it's like cooking the dinner. 16:15.889 --> 16:16.809 [SPEAKER_00]: I want to be really clear. 16:16.909 --> 16:17.329 [SPEAKER_00]: Why? 16:17.409 --> 16:18.650 [SPEAKER_00]: Why is that like cooking the dinner? 16:18.690 --> 16:23.371 [SPEAKER_00]: Because, and I've seen it, your partner is going to get a lot of credit. 16:23.431 --> 16:25.311 [SPEAKER_00]: Let's say the next day it worked from co-workers. 16:25.431 --> 16:26.872 [SPEAKER_00]: Oh, why are you so tired, Mitch? 16:27.672 --> 16:30.333 [SPEAKER_00]: Oh, oh, you were up with Leah's some last night. 16:30.453 --> 16:32.014 [SPEAKER_00]: Oh, you're the, what a great dad. 16:32.174 --> 16:33.574 [SPEAKER_00]: I wish even women are doing it. 16:33.654 --> 16:44.579 [SPEAKER_00]: I wish my husband would get up with the kids or something like, oh my god, Mitch's, I've seen men at the grocery store with their kids and I've heard people compliment them. 16:44.719 --> 16:47.580 [SPEAKER_00]: I've never once been complimented with my kids at a grocery store, right? 16:48.560 --> 16:49.641 [SPEAKER_00]: Okay, but guess what? 16:50.801 --> 16:54.522 [SPEAKER_00]: So yes, Mitch got up, but was their Tylenol 16:56.621 --> 16:59.743 [SPEAKER_00]: And was it the great flavored time because your kid hates the cherry flavored kind? 17:00.904 --> 17:02.945 [SPEAKER_00]: Did did Mitch know where it was? 17:03.485 --> 17:06.827 [SPEAKER_00]: Was there a thermometer available to take that little kid's temperature? 17:06.927 --> 17:10.369 [SPEAKER_00]: And those little disposable caps that go on the end if there's the one that goes in your ear? 17:11.170 --> 17:14.472 [SPEAKER_00]: Who called the school attendance line the next morning to say your kid was homesick? 17:14.992 --> 17:16.813 [SPEAKER_00]: Who stayed home with said kid? 17:17.234 --> 17:22.317 [SPEAKER_00]: Who decided whether to call the doctor or get on the phone with the advice nurse the following day? 17:23.057 --> 17:23.277 [SPEAKER_00]: Right? 17:23.497 --> 17:38.846 [SPEAKER_00]: Who remembered the last time they were sick like this, that they had an ear infection, and exactly when that was, and if they took medication for it or not, who remembered to cancel the piano lesson they had that next day, or coordinate getting their homework sent home from school if they're old enough, right? 17:39.126 --> 17:45.529 [SPEAKER_00]: Who made sure their favorite brand of soup was already in the house and ready to open in case they got sick like today. 17:45.849 --> 17:46.370 [SPEAKER_00]: Do you see it? 17:46.790 --> 17:50.592 [SPEAKER_00]: So in even this case, Mitch might stay home with the kid during the day, but who 17:50.652 --> 17:53.034 [SPEAKER_00]: Who's, right, that's the easy part. 17:53.654 --> 17:54.655 [SPEAKER_00]: That's the easy part. 17:55.856 --> 18:04.062 [SPEAKER_00]: The 10 minutes of getting up in the night are only the only part of that whole chain that isn't the mental load. 18:05.383 --> 18:05.904 [SPEAKER_00]: Do you see it? 18:06.244 --> 18:06.744 [SPEAKER_00]: Do you hear it? 18:06.944 --> 18:07.485 [SPEAKER_00]: Are you with me? 18:07.745 --> 18:08.345 [SPEAKER_00]: Are we together? 18:09.246 --> 18:10.707 [SPEAKER_00]: Yeah, yeah. 18:11.148 --> 18:11.308 [SPEAKER_00]: So, 18:12.427 --> 18:37.058 [SPEAKER_00]: And here's the word I want to take away from both of you again if we're applying this to couples and but this is applied again if you're a single person you talk about your mom or your roommate or something else and I I'm going to say this with someone to live in my heart stop take away the word helping you don't help with your own job think about it nobody says they're helping with their own work they just do their work. 18:38.175 --> 18:44.558 [SPEAKER_00]: The second somebody is helping you, the job and the entire mental load is still yours. 18:44.958 --> 18:51.321 [SPEAKER_00]: So if you're a partner, ever asks, if they can help you with something, it means you carry the mental load for that thing. 18:51.781 --> 18:56.263 [SPEAKER_00]: So I mean, literally, stop right now and think of how many things fall into this category. 18:56.823 --> 18:57.824 [SPEAKER_00]: Yes, yes. 18:58.724 --> 19:00.424 [SPEAKER_00]: And I'm, this is a perfect time to tell you. 19:00.444 --> 19:03.645 [SPEAKER_00]: So the free download for today, I'm calling the Mental Load Inventory. 19:04.145 --> 19:08.646 [SPEAKER_00]: And it's going to help you see clearly what you're really carrying. 19:08.726 --> 19:10.707 [SPEAKER_00]: Because trust me, you have a lot of invisible things. 19:10.747 --> 19:12.507 [SPEAKER_00]: You don't even realize or running you down. 19:12.547 --> 19:14.208 [SPEAKER_00]: Again, your, your fish who doesn't know what's wet. 19:14.968 --> 19:19.329 [SPEAKER_00]: And then it's going to help you this, this inventory is going to help you figure out what to keep and what to let go. 19:19.349 --> 19:20.349 [SPEAKER_00]: So that's what that whole thing is. 19:20.409 --> 19:21.450 [SPEAKER_00]: And I'll say more at the end. 19:21.470 --> 19:23.850 [SPEAKER_00]: Because of course, I have a therapy to go about it all for today. 19:23.870 --> 19:25.831 [SPEAKER_00]: So if this is a big deal in your household, 19:27.771 --> 19:36.735 [SPEAKER_00]: or for you in general, that you feel run down a lot, and because you have too much going on, then you might want to get the therapeutic button, but I'll talk about the end. 19:36.855 --> 19:37.075 [SPEAKER_00]: Okay. 19:37.975 --> 19:41.577 [SPEAKER_00]: So why is the mental load so exhausting? 19:41.697 --> 19:42.577 [SPEAKER_00]: What's the problem here? 19:42.717 --> 19:44.618 [SPEAKER_00]: And I want to say this. 19:44.678 --> 19:48.320 [SPEAKER_00]: So the you, the you, walking out the door. 19:49.787 --> 19:57.056 [SPEAKER_00]: at seven in the morning is a completely different person from the you walking back in at six at night. 19:57.536 --> 20:02.902 [SPEAKER_00]: You're not naturally meaner or less motivated or more impatient, right? 20:03.904 --> 20:04.785 [SPEAKER_00]: At that time of day. 20:04.965 --> 20:07.828 [SPEAKER_00]: So what gives, you know, what's your tabs? 20:07.968 --> 20:08.929 [SPEAKER_00]: The thing I already talked about. 20:09.710 --> 20:11.511 [SPEAKER_00]: the tabs open in the computer. 20:11.611 --> 20:13.032 [SPEAKER_00]: Some of them do close, right? 20:13.052 --> 20:17.694 [SPEAKER_00]: You know, you open a tab during the day to call the dentist and you close it because you call the dentist, right? 20:18.054 --> 20:19.615 [SPEAKER_00]: Because you handle the thing and it's done. 20:20.115 --> 20:22.056 [SPEAKER_00]: But new tabs open all day long. 20:22.297 --> 20:24.318 [SPEAKER_00]: And trust me, it's faster than you're closing them. 20:24.698 --> 20:28.800 [SPEAKER_00]: And the ones that stay open are the ones you've got to keep track of, right? 20:29.120 --> 20:40.982 [SPEAKER_00]: So, you know, even that dentist appointment, yeah, you made the appointment, but you still have to go and your tooth is still hurting and you have to remember chew on the left side of your mouth and did you bring something soft with you to work because, you know, to eat that, you know, right, all the things. 20:41.583 --> 20:48.664 [SPEAKER_00]: So, whatever that is, by six PM, you've got less ram free to run anything new. 20:48.684 --> 20:53.505 [SPEAKER_00]: You've got less room in the computer that is your emotional bandwidth, right, to run the thing. 20:54.065 --> 21:09.991 [SPEAKER_00]: And the same request that might have been easy at nine in the morning is genuinely too much now at seven o'clock in night right and I want to say that so and it might be different you might wake up grumpy right your tabs don't close overnight either which is why 21:11.180 --> 21:13.921 [SPEAKER_00]: you could wake up at nine in the morning and be upset. 21:14.061 --> 21:27.566 [SPEAKER_00]: If you want to bed with your mom's diagnosis, you know, that tab open and the tuition bill tab open and that thing your kids teacher said open, right? 21:27.626 --> 21:30.927 [SPEAKER_00]: You woke up with almost nothing free, no, no RAM, no room. 21:31.007 --> 21:34.109 [SPEAKER_00]: It, again, it's not about what time it is. 21:34.229 --> 21:37.450 [SPEAKER_00]: It's just that over the course of the day, there's usually more running. 21:37.990 --> 21:40.551 [SPEAKER_00]: It's always about how much is already running. 21:40.691 --> 21:46.013 [SPEAKER_00]: That's really where we get into the impatience and the snappiness or the shutdown. 21:46.593 --> 21:50.754 [SPEAKER_00]: So, and I said this part before, and I've said it many, many times. 21:51.894 --> 21:58.476 [SPEAKER_00]: The real problem is that you plan your day and hours instead of basing it on your bandwidth. 21:58.616 --> 21:59.697 [SPEAKER_00]: I never want you to say, 22:01.058 --> 22:02.279 [SPEAKER_00]: I have time for that again. 22:02.760 --> 22:05.722 [SPEAKER_00]: I want you to always think do I ban with for that, right? 22:06.103 --> 22:11.868 [SPEAKER_00]: So the example I usually give is something like, let's say you get home and you've got five hours until bedtime. 22:11.888 --> 22:15.090 [SPEAKER_00]: You've worked all day or you maybe you work from home, it doesn't matter, right? 22:15.771 --> 22:18.493 [SPEAKER_00]: And you're done for the day and you're like, I've got hours until bedtime. 22:18.614 --> 22:19.755 [SPEAKER_00]: Five hours, let's even say. 22:20.375 --> 22:22.997 [SPEAKER_00]: So I should easily be able to do dinner, 22:23.958 --> 22:26.400 [SPEAKER_00]: monitor the kids homework answer those emails. 22:26.440 --> 22:28.061 [SPEAKER_00]: I need to answer and take a walk. 22:28.281 --> 22:30.443 [SPEAKER_00]: You know, maybe even have some rock star sex later. 22:30.463 --> 22:31.123 [SPEAKER_00]: You know, a five o'clock. 22:31.143 --> 22:32.304 [SPEAKER_00]: You're like, maybe I'll have sex later. 22:32.344 --> 22:32.604 [SPEAKER_00]: Sure. 22:32.724 --> 22:33.525 [SPEAKER_00]: Three o'clock for a clock. 22:33.545 --> 22:34.305 [SPEAKER_00]: You're like, yeah, maybe later. 22:34.345 --> 22:38.648 [SPEAKER_00]: Well, sex, but it's not about again, how much time is left in your day. 22:39.048 --> 22:41.770 [SPEAKER_00]: It's how much mind is left in your day. 22:41.810 --> 22:43.851 [SPEAKER_00]: How much emotional ban with you have left. 22:43.911 --> 22:47.134 [SPEAKER_00]: So you get let's say you get a few of those things done. 22:47.894 --> 22:58.260 [SPEAKER_00]: Okay, you know, you've made dinner, you've done the homework, you definitely have not had the rocks or sex because you're not in the mood for, you're not even in the mood for amateur singing singer sex, right? 22:58.300 --> 22:59.981 [SPEAKER_00]: By, by Tempia. 23:00.561 --> 23:10.967 [SPEAKER_00]: But because even by APM all you want to do is veg out on the couch with, I don't know, wine or, you know, your phone and your show going on in the background, right? 23:11.508 --> 23:15.390 [SPEAKER_00]: You had time left in the day, but no bandwidth left. 23:17.054 --> 23:18.655 [SPEAKER_00]: and you can see where that leads you. 23:18.816 --> 23:24.520 [SPEAKER_00]: And you're usually beating yourself up because you're like, oh, I thought I said I would go to the gym or I said I would go out with friend. 23:24.620 --> 23:25.561 [SPEAKER_00]: Even something fun. 23:26.021 --> 23:32.607 [SPEAKER_00]: Like you on Monday, Monday you thought, oh, be so much fun to go out with my friends on Thursday night for dinner. 23:32.707 --> 23:33.568 [SPEAKER_00]: Oh, I need to blow up some steam. 23:33.608 --> 23:34.408 [SPEAKER_00]: He was so great. 23:34.729 --> 23:38.051 [SPEAKER_00]: And then Thursday at five o'clock, you're like, why on earth did I ever say yes to that? 23:38.091 --> 23:39.352 [SPEAKER_00]: What was I smoking the crack? 23:39.392 --> 23:40.593 [SPEAKER_00]: Like what was I drunk? 23:40.633 --> 23:42.135 [SPEAKER_00]: Like why did I say yes to that? 23:42.695 --> 23:48.780 [SPEAKER_00]: And so even like a fun thing, it doesn't have to be that you don't feel like going to the gym, it's sort of anything at that point. 23:48.800 --> 23:53.223 [SPEAKER_00]: So all of this is really costing you, okay? 23:54.144 --> 23:55.725 [SPEAKER_00]: And again, there's research on this. 23:56.106 --> 24:07.335 [SPEAKER_00]: Research has found that when you're the one solely responsible for running things, that's again, so whether you're single or whether you're in a couple or living with your parents, it doesn't matter. 24:07.395 --> 24:10.837 [SPEAKER_00]: If you're the one solely responsible for running a thing, 24:11.858 --> 24:20.084 [SPEAKER_00]: It is tied in the research to lower satisfaction with your life, feeling emptied out, and feeling overloaded by that role. 24:20.144 --> 24:25.088 [SPEAKER_00]: By whatever that role is, as good daughter or excellent husband or whatever. 24:26.029 --> 24:31.152 [SPEAKER_00]: And again, if you're in a relationship, a romantic one, you're going to be less happy in it the research says. 24:31.312 --> 24:37.337 [SPEAKER_00]: So when you snap about dinner, it was of course never about dinner, right, or the sock on the floor, whatever. 24:38.405 --> 24:45.809 [SPEAKER_00]: Okay, the other thing I hear a lot, or people ask me a lot is, why can some people seem to do it all? 24:45.869 --> 24:47.971 [SPEAKER_00]: Why can some people do more than me? 24:48.691 --> 24:52.353 [SPEAKER_00]: And it's because not everybody's working with the same amount of RAM. 24:52.813 --> 24:57.796 [SPEAKER_00]: I do, you're not, so for example, if you have chronic pain, let's say you have chronic pain. 24:58.457 --> 25:03.820 [SPEAKER_00]: Studies show it's eating your attention and your memory all day long, all day long. 25:04.764 --> 25:06.105 [SPEAKER_00]: Or maybe you have a mental health issue. 25:06.285 --> 25:11.508 [SPEAKER_00]: Maybe some mental health does my anxiety, depression, substance use disorder of some kind. 25:12.028 --> 25:15.751 [SPEAKER_00]: Maybe you have a learning disability or you're a highly sensitive person. 25:16.151 --> 25:17.972 [SPEAKER_00]: Maybe you're having trouble finding a job. 25:18.392 --> 25:22.395 [SPEAKER_00]: Maybe you're working full-time and going to school at night or just hate your job. 25:22.695 --> 25:25.977 [SPEAKER_00]: Maybe you've got kids or you're not sure whether you want kids. 25:26.437 --> 25:30.720 [SPEAKER_00]: Maybe you're not sleeping well or you're constantly on some diet 25:34.743 --> 25:39.519 [SPEAKER_00]: Um, or kilos or stones as I have a lot of folks in other parts of the world. 25:39.840 --> 25:40.964 [SPEAKER_00]: Anyway, and some of it! 25:42.791 --> 26:05.190 [SPEAKER_00]: It's just related to the shape of your day, it could be that if you're an introvert, let me say that, if you're an introvert in a job where you're on, will you have to be like on all day, you're paying for those eight hours in a way that your extroverted coworker isn't for the exact same eight hours. 26:05.210 --> 26:05.911 [SPEAKER_00]: Does that make sense? 26:06.151 --> 26:06.591 [SPEAKER_00]: Yeah. 26:07.392 --> 26:23.096 [SPEAKER_00]: If you're the one in your family who handles the doctor's appointments in your second language, oh, I'm sorry, in your first language, sorry, right, or maybe it's your second language depending or in another language, okay, the language of your parents, let's say. 26:23.577 --> 26:30.118 [SPEAKER_00]: That's costing you in ways, trust me, you're not counting nobody else's counting. 26:31.299 --> 26:32.719 [SPEAKER_00]: I want, are you getting the idea? 26:32.779 --> 26:35.060 [SPEAKER_00]: Are you picking up what Abby is laying down? 26:36.405 --> 26:39.396 [SPEAKER_00]: Now, and I want to see this, some people wake up. 26:40.712 --> 26:43.974 [SPEAKER_00]: with more bandwidth than other people wake up with. 26:44.074 --> 26:46.055 [SPEAKER_00]: They've got plenty of headspace, plenty of RAM. 26:46.796 --> 27:00.885 [SPEAKER_00]: And that's not because they are naturally born with it, although again, like an extrovert in that extroverted job is gonna wake up with more RAM than an introvert in an extroverted job. 27:00.905 --> 27:01.585 [SPEAKER_00]: Does that make sense? 27:02.245 --> 27:04.627 [SPEAKER_00]: But some people, you can do things. 27:04.647 --> 27:09.270 [SPEAKER_00]: This is good news that can build your emotional bandwidth so you have more of it. 27:09.750 --> 27:10.771 [SPEAKER_00]: I have done this. 27:10.991 --> 27:13.352 [SPEAKER_00]: I have do it in my clients and I have to tell you it works. 27:13.552 --> 27:28.658 [SPEAKER_00]: And I I wake up like when I get to the end of my day, I still have a lot of quote unquote energy left for things and there were years when I did not and that's not just when the kids were little that's other years to that's when I when I was single all kinds of types. 27:29.198 --> 27:29.338 [SPEAKER_00]: So. 27:30.763 --> 27:37.406 [SPEAKER_00]: I need you to understand that it's not just situational, there's things you can do to help. 27:37.646 --> 27:38.986 [SPEAKER_00]: And sleep is the big one. 27:39.746 --> 27:41.507 [SPEAKER_00]: Sleep is the, I say the biggest one. 27:43.308 --> 27:46.029 [SPEAKER_00]: If you're thinking of, you know, waking up with a full tank of gas, so to speak. 27:46.709 --> 27:47.209 [SPEAKER_00]: It's sleep. 27:47.549 --> 27:54.692 [SPEAKER_00]: There are a lot of studies showing that losing sleep costs you attention, a cost you working memory. 27:55.813 --> 27:58.734 [SPEAKER_00]: The next day it costs you so much. 28:00.475 --> 28:01.435 [SPEAKER_00]: I just talked about it. 28:01.455 --> 28:06.477 [SPEAKER_00]: This great research at Stanford where they had the basketball players just sleep more. 28:06.537 --> 28:09.638 [SPEAKER_00]: They didn't do anything else and all of their stats went up. 28:09.778 --> 28:10.559 [SPEAKER_00]: They had them sleeping. 28:10.619 --> 28:10.779 [SPEAKER_00]: It was 28:14.080 --> 28:18.405 [SPEAKER_00]: all their staff, their free throw, the how fast they were, they're not, it's free throw. 28:18.445 --> 28:19.687 [SPEAKER_00]: Yes, sorry, I don't fell a basketball. 28:20.067 --> 28:25.233 [SPEAKER_00]: All their stats in basketball all were raised and the only thing they changed was how much sleep they got. 28:25.313 --> 28:32.661 [SPEAKER_00]: I'm telling you your muscles are better, your reflexes are better, your attention, your working memory, all of it is better when you sleep. 28:33.503 --> 28:51.833 [SPEAKER_00]: And exercise does it too, and not just in the moment, by the way, not like obviously of most people feel better right after they exercise, but there's a lot of research showing that, again, moving regularly changes how much mental load you're able to hold over time and now. 28:53.151 --> 29:03.442 [SPEAKER_00]: And another way to increase this emotional ban with this, you know, your ram is mindfulness and meditation on I know I talk about it every episode, but it's the truth there's a 29:05.472 --> 29:10.216 [SPEAKER_00]: There's one, there's this group of research searches and I'll link to it. 29:10.256 --> 29:13.538 [SPEAKER_00]: That pool together, it was more than 100 trials. 29:13.698 --> 29:14.699 [SPEAKER_00]: I can't remember how many was. 29:14.719 --> 29:15.800 [SPEAKER_00]: It was way more than 100 though. 29:17.001 --> 29:31.412 [SPEAKER_00]: And showed, it showed mindfulness training improved attention, including meditation, meditation of mindfulness training, improved attention, working memory, and cognitive control, which basically means your emotional bandwidth, or your ability to regulate your emotions. 29:31.992 --> 29:41.978 [SPEAKER_00]: And yes, I also wish the answer was staying up on night, trolling social media and eating Oreos, but the research doesn't back me up. 29:42.158 --> 29:44.940 [SPEAKER_00]: I've tried it just like you, and I don't feel better the next day. 29:46.560 --> 30:00.666 [SPEAKER_00]: Okay, and then there's, by the way, all the other things that help, you might be in therapy and actually getting support you need or maybe you're a member of my one-love collective community on Substack, I say, cutely, but it's the truth. 30:00.946 --> 30:02.526 [SPEAKER_00]: You know, that's gonna help. 30:02.566 --> 30:12.310 [SPEAKER_00]: Maybe you go to 12-step meetings, maybe you might have friends or family who really see you who really hear you where you feel really a sense of belonging and feeling seen. 30:12.751 --> 30:15.172 [SPEAKER_00]: You might be eating in a way that works for your body 30:16.512 --> 30:20.615 [SPEAKER_00]: spending real time on things that just light you up, you might love your job. 30:20.835 --> 30:23.377 [SPEAKER_00]: I know you can love your job and get real fulfillment from it. 30:23.477 --> 30:23.777 [SPEAKER_00]: I do. 30:23.977 --> 30:24.798 [SPEAKER_00]: It's it happens. 30:24.958 --> 30:40.988 [SPEAKER_00]: It's possible and all of it helps can help you kind of start your day in a better place and have a better, again, you have to be able to have more tabs open without it costing you. 30:41.529 --> 30:43.510 [SPEAKER_00]: And and again, some of it you didn't 30:45.487 --> 30:49.429 [SPEAKER_00]: Some people are born with a disposition maybe that gives them more room. 30:49.929 --> 30:56.791 [SPEAKER_00]: The same way, some people are born with a disposition that gives them less room, but it goes both ways. 30:57.032 --> 31:01.713 [SPEAKER_00]: So yeah, but I don't want to lean to heavily on this idea that you're like born with it and that's it. 31:02.253 --> 31:04.634 [SPEAKER_00]: In the same way that I don't want to discount it either. 31:04.934 --> 31:09.696 [SPEAKER_00]: So it's there, it's a piece of the puzzle, but it's not the only piece, okay? 31:13.176 --> 31:13.736 [SPEAKER_00]: What do I want to go? 31:13.756 --> 31:13.996 [SPEAKER_00]: Okay. 31:14.337 --> 31:21.280 [SPEAKER_00]: So why doesn't anything change even when everybody can agree it's unfair? 31:21.440 --> 31:34.426 [SPEAKER_00]: That's what that's where I want to go because I will tell you that incredibly I have sat with couples who both agreed that things weren't fair in their home as far as this like emotional labor or divisional labor of labor. 31:34.886 --> 31:37.948 [SPEAKER_00]: But over time they even though 31:43.858 --> 31:45.559 [SPEAKER_00]: And this is, again, recent research. 31:45.779 --> 31:48.499 [SPEAKER_00]: It's show, and here's, it's, it's, it's very subtle. 31:48.519 --> 31:53.281 [SPEAKER_00]: So I really want you to, to, to, uh, focus it, focus it. 31:55.121 --> 32:06.965 [SPEAKER_00]: The research shows that when you ask couples, how they ended up like this, you know, with one person holding all the pieces of something, neither one of them remembers dividing anything up. 32:08.075 --> 32:11.780 [SPEAKER_00]: Nobody sat down and said, okay, you take all of X, right? 32:12.281 --> 32:22.916 [SPEAKER_00]: What happened instead is that one person had a lighter week or knew the pediatrician's office better or just got their first over and over for years. 32:23.577 --> 32:26.520 [SPEAKER_00]: each of those made sense at the time, right? 32:26.540 --> 32:27.180 [SPEAKER_00]: Just make sense. 32:27.661 --> 32:29.643 [SPEAKER_00]: And then one day though, it's all yours. 32:30.203 --> 32:34.407 [SPEAKER_00]: And nobody can tell you exactly when or how that happened. 32:34.567 --> 32:38.431 [SPEAKER_00]: It's just sort of as mostists or something or whatever. 32:38.471 --> 32:39.412 [SPEAKER_00]: It just worked out that way. 32:39.952 --> 32:49.261 [SPEAKER_00]: And that works the same way with like, let's say your parents, you know, take care of your aging parents, or just they might not be aging so much if you're young and, you know, 32:49.761 --> 32:55.142 [SPEAKER_00]: I'm not an old, but maybe you live 20 minutes away when your dad had his first fall. 32:55.722 --> 32:56.282 [SPEAKER_00]: So you went. 32:56.802 --> 32:59.623 [SPEAKER_00]: You were the one maybe who could take a Tuesday off. 32:59.723 --> 33:01.003 [SPEAKER_00]: So you took off the Tuesday. 33:01.383 --> 33:02.604 [SPEAKER_00]: You met the cardiologist. 33:02.704 --> 33:05.384 [SPEAKER_00]: So you're the one who knows what he said or she said. 33:06.124 --> 33:09.005 [SPEAKER_00]: Now you're running all of it and you're sibling. 33:09.345 --> 33:16.146 [SPEAKER_00]: Generally, things, the two of you are in this together because from where they're standing, nobody ever decided anything. 33:16.306 --> 33:18.287 [SPEAKER_00]: And I'm telling you, because I had this amount of siblings. 33:19.225 --> 33:24.167 [SPEAKER_00]: It's, and then we do the thing that makes it almost impossible to fix. 33:24.787 --> 33:27.288 [SPEAKER_00]: We turn it into a personality. 33:29.789 --> 33:31.289 [SPEAKER_00]: She's just more organized than I am. 33:31.649 --> 33:32.950 [SPEAKER_00]: Oh, I'm not a details person. 33:33.330 --> 33:34.850 [SPEAKER_00]: Oh, he's terrible with calendars. 33:35.270 --> 33:36.011 [SPEAKER_00]: Always has been. 33:37.331 --> 33:39.092 [SPEAKER_00]: You've always been the response to one of the family. 33:39.292 --> 33:42.053 [SPEAKER_00]: You're just the planner that's your thing. 33:42.713 --> 33:42.953 [SPEAKER_00]: I know. 33:44.068 --> 33:45.829 [SPEAKER_00]: And I'm not saying something isn't true. 33:45.889 --> 33:47.530 [SPEAKER_00]: Like, I'm terrible directions. 33:47.690 --> 33:50.291 [SPEAKER_00]: Do not, you do not want me to side directions. 33:50.692 --> 33:53.573 [SPEAKER_00]: So, by wonderful Gary, we always rely on him. 33:53.593 --> 33:58.936 [SPEAKER_00]: And I have to admit, I am definitely, I am the typical passenger princess when I'm with him. 33:59.456 --> 34:03.999 [SPEAKER_00]: Because he just, he'll just, because he's better at it, you know, he all insist stuff, right? 34:04.359 --> 34:07.703 [SPEAKER_00]: So I'm not saying, but obviously I get around on my own. 34:07.904 --> 34:08.725 [SPEAKER_00]: I figure it out. 34:08.805 --> 34:10.247 [SPEAKER_00]: I've traveled internationally. 34:10.367 --> 34:12.089 [SPEAKER_00]: All by myself, I've lived in other countries. 34:12.249 --> 34:13.070 [SPEAKER_00]: I figure it out. 34:13.671 --> 34:17.436 [SPEAKER_00]: But, you know, it becomes a little bit of part of your personality. 34:17.596 --> 34:23.384 [SPEAKER_00]: Oh, in my family, if you ask anyone they'd say, oh my God, she's terrible at directions, it's like personality. 34:23.845 --> 34:27.928 [SPEAKER_00]: So some of that, again, could be true, but listen to what you just did. 34:27.948 --> 34:30.930 [SPEAKER_00]: You took a job and called it a personality. 34:31.531 --> 34:34.893 [SPEAKER_00]: And you can't split up a personality. 34:35.354 --> 34:41.778 [SPEAKER_00]: Nobody sits down and negotiates a fairer split of who's naturally organized. 34:41.838 --> 34:49.824 [SPEAKER_00]: So the second it becomes you who are that person, it stops being something anybody has to do anything about 34:54.333 --> 34:55.974 [SPEAKER_00]: And trust me, you do this to yourself too. 34:56.475 --> 35:01.278 [SPEAKER_00]: I'm just a warrior, whatever, you know, same thing except now, right? 35:01.558 --> 35:02.759 [SPEAKER_00]: There's nobody to argue with you. 35:02.799 --> 35:03.320 [SPEAKER_00]: It's just you. 35:03.860 --> 35:04.140 [SPEAKER_00]: All right. 35:04.801 --> 35:10.605 [SPEAKER_00]: So let's get into it five ways to share five ways to share the mental load. 35:10.625 --> 35:11.285 [SPEAKER_00]: Okay. 35:13.087 --> 35:16.709 [SPEAKER_00]: So, yeah, these are the five things. 35:16.769 --> 35:17.550 [SPEAKER_00]: Okay, let me just do it. 35:18.190 --> 35:23.954 [SPEAKER_00]: Number one, and I think this is, if you do nothing else do this, name the four parts out loud. 35:24.454 --> 35:31.879 [SPEAKER_00]: I found this really helpful just in my own, again, research, and when I saw the research, we started talking about this stuff more openly, I started with my kids. 35:32.699 --> 35:34.540 [SPEAKER_00]: Name those four parts already mentioned out loud. 35:34.700 --> 35:38.463 [SPEAKER_00]: Anticipating, identifying options, deciding, and monitoring. 35:39.501 --> 35:44.887 [SPEAKER_00]: say, say him everywhere at the dinner table to your brother on the phone, say him to yourself, I don't care. 35:45.328 --> 35:50.293 [SPEAKER_00]: I, again, I know it sounds simple, but this is where people get their aha moments, right? 35:50.373 --> 35:51.935 [SPEAKER_00]: It's like a new framework. 35:51.995 --> 35:55.538 [SPEAKER_00]: It's something that you can, like, I was really like, oh, it's the anticipate. 35:55.919 --> 35:56.099 [SPEAKER_00]: Oh, 35:57.020 --> 36:01.645 [SPEAKER_00]: It's the monitoring, oh, that's what's wearing me out, right? 36:01.966 --> 36:03.387 [SPEAKER_00]: That's what's making it harder. 36:03.507 --> 36:08.993 [SPEAKER_00]: If you're trying, this is what I sent Jennifer home with to her husband about dinner and he got it. 36:09.114 --> 36:11.757 [SPEAKER_00]: He was like, oh, she didn't even really fully get it. 36:11.877 --> 36:13.358 [SPEAKER_00]: That's why she and I were talking about it. 36:14.573 --> 36:16.554 [SPEAKER_00]: Again, it's the fish not knowing their wet thing. 36:16.775 --> 36:21.378 [SPEAKER_00]: So it's breaking it down and sort of again, this new language, new terms. 36:21.858 --> 36:24.961 [SPEAKER_00]: So people, you can actually see that you're in the water. 36:25.141 --> 36:27.042 [SPEAKER_00]: That's sort of the point. 36:27.062 --> 36:27.643 [SPEAKER_00]: All right. 36:28.947 --> 36:32.229 [SPEAKER_00]: Two is to hand over a whole area, not a task. 36:32.569 --> 36:33.429 [SPEAKER_00]: That's a biggie. 36:33.750 --> 36:37.011 [SPEAKER_00]: You know, not please take our son to the dentist, right? 36:37.031 --> 36:38.592 [SPEAKER_00]: I keep talking about the dentist, but you get it. 36:39.232 --> 36:42.754 [SPEAKER_00]: Instead, you know, hey, the dentist's yours now. 36:42.994 --> 36:45.916 [SPEAKER_00]: Taking the kids to the dentist is yours now. 36:46.136 --> 36:47.497 [SPEAKER_00]: And that means you know when 36:48.477 --> 36:49.798 [SPEAKER_00]: your kids are due to go. 36:50.239 --> 36:51.159 [SPEAKER_00]: You make the appointment. 36:51.439 --> 36:52.660 [SPEAKER_00]: You deal with the insurance. 36:52.961 --> 36:54.182 [SPEAKER_00]: You put it on the calendar. 36:54.482 --> 36:55.322 [SPEAKER_00]: You take them. 36:55.403 --> 36:56.663 [SPEAKER_00]: You book the next one. 36:57.084 --> 36:59.846 [SPEAKER_00]: You let us know where the new toothbrushes. 37:00.006 --> 37:07.352 [SPEAKER_00]: You let us know that they haven't been brushing correctly and we have to look at A, B, and C. You make sure A, B, and C are happening. 37:07.512 --> 37:08.693 [SPEAKER_00]: You don't just hand that off. 37:08.873 --> 37:12.115 [SPEAKER_00]: You know, although it's a task of it so maybe you hand a little off. 37:13.276 --> 37:13.556 [SPEAKER_00]: Right? 37:13.576 --> 37:23.541 [SPEAKER_00]: Because if you, if it's, you have to remember that if, but if you hand over the task and you keep noticing, you didn't hand over anything, that's the point. 37:24.381 --> 37:26.422 [SPEAKER_00]: You just gave yourself an employee to manage. 37:26.462 --> 37:27.082 [SPEAKER_00]: That's what you did. 37:27.102 --> 37:28.703 [SPEAKER_00]: And that's why people get resentful. 37:29.263 --> 37:32.725 [SPEAKER_00]: Your, you know, partner says you're treating them like a child or whatever. 37:32.825 --> 37:35.146 [SPEAKER_00]: That's how everything goes south, okay? 37:35.726 --> 37:36.446 [SPEAKER_00]: It affects everything. 37:37.347 --> 37:37.587 [SPEAKER_00]: All right. 37:38.543 --> 37:40.864 [SPEAKER_00]: three is stop using the word helping. 37:40.944 --> 37:46.125 [SPEAKER_00]: As I already said, say it out loud with whoever you share this with and I don't know what to say. 37:46.185 --> 37:47.065 [SPEAKER_00]: Stop saying it. 37:47.445 --> 37:48.546 [SPEAKER_00]: Stop saying it in your own head, too. 37:49.286 --> 37:53.427 [SPEAKER_00]: I mean it, like really watch your language because it it truly matters. 37:53.867 --> 37:57.788 [SPEAKER_00]: Somebody who is helping is somebody who gets to stop when they're done. 37:59.222 --> 38:04.965 [SPEAKER_00]: That's the bottom line and the person they're helping is the one who owns the whole thing you. 38:05.725 --> 38:08.626 [SPEAKER_00]: So catch it when you say your partner is so good. 38:08.706 --> 38:10.067 [SPEAKER_00]: They help so much. 38:10.187 --> 38:14.449 [SPEAKER_00]: Catch it when your brother says he's happy to help with your mom. 38:14.829 --> 38:20.192 [SPEAKER_00]: Or when your roommate says they'll help you clean up before people come over, right? 38:20.732 --> 38:26.635 [SPEAKER_00]: All three of those are people describing a piece of their own life as a favor to you. 38:27.994 --> 38:28.835 [SPEAKER_00]: That's what that is. 38:29.276 --> 38:29.857 [SPEAKER_00]: That's a problem. 38:31.600 --> 38:33.924 [SPEAKER_00]: Number four, you're gonna hate this. 38:34.946 --> 38:36.448 [SPEAKER_00]: Let it get done badly. 38:37.906 --> 38:42.768 [SPEAKER_00]: If you are a fellow control enthusiast like myself, you hate this one. 38:42.968 --> 38:45.448 [SPEAKER_00]: I hate this one, I don't know what to tell you, but here we are. 38:45.508 --> 38:56.752 [SPEAKER_00]: If you hand over the dentist and then remind your partner, you know, or you check on it or ask whether it's booked yet, you just took the monitoring back and it's yours again, right? 38:56.812 --> 38:58.793 [SPEAKER_00]: You took one of the four backs, so now it's yours again. 38:59.733 --> 39:08.736 [SPEAKER_00]: They will very likely do it worse than you would, especially in the beginning your kid will show up in the wrong shoes. 39:08.836 --> 39:12.458 [SPEAKER_00]: I promise you, at or have no cleats at soccer practice. 39:12.758 --> 39:13.738 [SPEAKER_00]: I don't I'm telling you. 39:15.519 --> 39:16.179 [SPEAKER_00]: It's gonna happen. 39:16.659 --> 39:21.101 [SPEAKER_00]: But living with someone doing it at whatever that 60% 80% 50% is better than running it yourself forever. 39:25.524 --> 39:29.745 [SPEAKER_00]: And you're not going to believe me for about two months, maybe three, but it is better. 39:30.646 --> 39:32.386 [SPEAKER_00]: So let it be worse for a while. 39:32.406 --> 39:33.207 [SPEAKER_00]: Okay? 39:33.507 --> 39:34.627 [SPEAKER_00]: And don't pick up the thing. 39:34.947 --> 39:46.371 [SPEAKER_00]: If the cleats get forgotten and your kid is at soccer practice without their cleats, don't run them over, say, well, talk to your mom or dad, whoever took that over, talk to them about it. 39:46.491 --> 39:48.952 [SPEAKER_00]: Or you guys decide how you're going to remember next time. 39:49.952 --> 39:50.432 [SPEAKER_00]: That's it. 39:50.572 --> 39:51.073 [SPEAKER_00]: Put it back. 39:51.433 --> 39:52.253 [SPEAKER_00]: They'll figure it out. 39:53.513 --> 39:53.913 [SPEAKER_00]: They will. 39:56.074 --> 40:00.742 [SPEAKER_00]: And number five is taking things off the list instead of moving them around. 40:00.963 --> 40:08.697 [SPEAKER_00]: Okay, so if you're living alone or your single parent or or or there's just nobody standing there to take any of this then. 40:10.249 --> 40:12.810 [SPEAKER_00]: Everything I just said about sharing might be useless to you. 40:12.850 --> 40:16.511 [SPEAKER_00]: So I say you're moved, then is subtraction. 40:17.152 --> 40:19.233 [SPEAKER_00]: What comes off the plate completely? 40:19.633 --> 40:23.434 [SPEAKER_00]: What can get automated, delivered, set to repeat? 40:23.454 --> 40:25.035 [SPEAKER_00]: So you don't have to think about it again. 40:25.355 --> 40:30.377 [SPEAKER_00]: Again, you might not have perfect healthy dinners the way you dream about, but guess what? 40:30.397 --> 40:31.217 [SPEAKER_00]: You don't have to think about it. 40:31.237 --> 40:32.618 [SPEAKER_00]: Do you know what I'm saying? 40:33.118 --> 40:34.258 [SPEAKER_00]: Like, cause you automated it. 40:34.278 --> 40:34.879 [SPEAKER_00]: It's just coming. 40:35.379 --> 40:38.160 [SPEAKER_00]: What, and maybe what are you not doing it all this year? 40:40.012 --> 40:42.374 [SPEAKER_00]: Say no to the next thing you're about to say yes, too. 40:43.355 --> 40:44.997 [SPEAKER_00]: By the birthday cake, don't make it. 40:45.597 --> 40:46.318 [SPEAKER_00]: You don't understand. 40:46.678 --> 40:49.461 [SPEAKER_00]: Decide what really has to stay and what can go. 40:50.322 --> 40:51.002 [SPEAKER_00]: Don't do it. 40:51.062 --> 40:52.203 [SPEAKER_00]: And I want to say this. 40:52.343 --> 40:53.184 [SPEAKER_00]: I want to end with this. 40:53.645 --> 40:54.626 [SPEAKER_00]: I want to end with a little story. 40:55.686 --> 40:57.828 [SPEAKER_00]: Quickly, is that it's so interesting. 40:58.029 --> 41:00.671 [SPEAKER_00]: My, I was really reminded of this. 41:01.011 --> 41:03.193 [SPEAKER_00]: I was ending season eight of the podcast. 41:03.273 --> 41:05.295 [SPEAKER_00]: I have to tell you last spring. 41:06.363 --> 41:17.213 [SPEAKER_00]: Because I do things, or I try to do things a couple months ahead, you know, I don't want to be, that's why I've been so consistent for all these years because I don't do things last minute, I have a schedule, I stick to it, it's great. 41:17.773 --> 41:25.140 [SPEAKER_00]: And I need to tell you that since my children, since I became an empty nester, I have been killing it people, killing it. 41:25.740 --> 41:32.746 [SPEAKER_00]: I have been like two months ahead on everything, the love letter, this, I started as a community on sub-stack. 41:33.226 --> 41:34.808 [SPEAKER_00]: I'm doing therapeutic go bundles. 41:35.108 --> 41:36.289 [SPEAKER_00]: I have new ideas. 41:36.369 --> 41:37.210 [SPEAKER_00]: I'm fabulous. 41:37.250 --> 41:38.491 [SPEAKER_00]: I started workplace therapy. 41:38.511 --> 41:40.192 [SPEAKER_00]: I started as second podcast, right? 41:40.813 --> 41:41.693 [SPEAKER_00]: I have been on fire. 41:42.534 --> 41:55.659 [SPEAKER_00]: Well, my max move back in July and McCartney is home until she leaves in early September for, oh my god, for a her year-long gap year abroad. 41:56.280 --> 42:00.121 [SPEAKER_00]: And I am so behind. 42:00.141 --> 42:02.122 [SPEAKER_00]: I am not killing it. 42:02.862 --> 42:04.603 [SPEAKER_00]: And I have grown, these are grown. 42:04.683 --> 42:06.424 [SPEAKER_00]: I don't have to like manage them. 42:07.668 --> 42:08.688 [SPEAKER_00]: McCartney drives. 42:09.809 --> 42:13.750 [SPEAKER_00]: It's not like they're not, you know, I'm not taking them to soccer or baseball practice. 42:13.770 --> 42:18.011 [SPEAKER_00]: Like, I don't know what is going on except of what I'm telling you. 42:18.391 --> 42:23.053 [SPEAKER_00]: The mental load of planning McCartney's next year abroad and the money and 42:23.433 --> 42:31.159 [SPEAKER_00]: she had to get her teeth taken care of and wisdom teeth and Max needs it too and he just got a crown and the food how much garbage we make. 42:31.320 --> 42:35.303 [SPEAKER_00]: Oh my god when Gary and I are just living alone I think we had one bag of garbage a week. 42:35.363 --> 42:37.525 [SPEAKER_00]: Now my cleaning lady has to come more. 42:38.305 --> 42:40.367 [SPEAKER_00]: You know I mean it goes on and on. 42:40.727 --> 42:46.152 [SPEAKER_00]: It's just there's more going I just cleaning up the kitchen a little more because Max left something out. 42:47.133 --> 42:49.635 [SPEAKER_00]: All of it I am not killing it. 42:49.835 --> 42:49.955 [SPEAKER_00]: You're 42:50.115 --> 42:51.517 [SPEAKER_00]: now. 42:51.817 --> 42:57.685 [SPEAKER_00]: I had to put off the start of the next season of season four of workplace therapy. 42:57.705 --> 42:59.627 [SPEAKER_00]: I was like, I just can't right now, people. 43:00.128 --> 43:00.809 [SPEAKER_00]: I just can't. 43:01.450 --> 43:02.671 [SPEAKER_00]: And I don't want to do a crappy job. 43:02.711 --> 43:03.532 [SPEAKER_00]: I want to do a great job. 43:03.592 --> 43:04.433 [SPEAKER_00]: So I'm going to wait. 43:04.914 --> 43:05.134 [SPEAKER_00]: Like, 43:06.215 --> 43:09.176 [SPEAKER_00]: that I just want to say that I do all the things. 43:09.557 --> 43:12.978 [SPEAKER_00]: I, I, I'm healthy, I, you know, work out. 43:13.038 --> 43:15.739 [SPEAKER_00]: I eat well, I have an amazing partner who's supportive. 43:16.159 --> 43:19.100 [SPEAKER_00]: I, I really have, I have a fabulous office. 43:19.120 --> 43:20.741 [SPEAKER_00]: I'm sitting in right now if you're watching me on YouTube. 43:20.841 --> 43:24.262 [SPEAKER_00]: I, my life is fabulous people fabulous. 43:24.382 --> 43:25.703 [SPEAKER_00]: I've, I've got money in the bank. 43:25.723 --> 43:27.204 [SPEAKER_00]: I'm not living paycheck to paycheck. 43:27.924 --> 43:30.705 [SPEAKER_00]: I, I, and I can't, couldn't do it. 43:32.068 --> 43:33.309 [SPEAKER_00]: and I couldn't do it. 43:33.449 --> 43:36.070 [SPEAKER_00]: I just need, and I just because my kids came back home. 43:36.610 --> 43:46.576 [SPEAKER_00]: Suddenly, there was just so much more going on, even though my hours of my day haven't checked, yeah, I'm spending more time with them a little bit, I guess, but it's not the time. 43:46.956 --> 43:50.198 [SPEAKER_00]: It's the band with, I just can't say it enough. 43:50.578 --> 43:56.161 [SPEAKER_00]: So, to me, this all really brought all this home, so much I'm sharing it so that you get. 43:56.681 --> 44:04.047 [SPEAKER_00]: Like it doesn't matter how I meditate, I all the good things, I'm still behind right this minute. 44:04.668 --> 44:12.995 [SPEAKER_00]: And again, no more work got added really, a little more grocery shopping, a little more, but it's the mental load, that's what's happening. 44:13.075 --> 44:14.596 [SPEAKER_00]: And that's what's putting me behind a little bit. 44:14.976 --> 44:24.604 [SPEAKER_00]: I say with love, okay, so make sure you come over and get the free download the mental load inventory and the therapy to go bundle, very proud of it, as always. 44:25.445 --> 44:35.319 [SPEAKER_00]: In it, it's a, I have, so you get, you get the, the free download in the bundle, so but you can get a separate or you can get it again in the bundle and then you get a copy of the 44:36.291 --> 44:42.136 [SPEAKER_00]: blog, you know, for this episode, so you can kind of reread it and just have it all in one place in a fabulous way. 44:42.696 --> 44:50.563 [SPEAKER_00]: And then there's a worksheet, how it became your job, it's kind of a 30,000 foot view of your mental load, right, kind of giving you the big picture. 44:51.343 --> 44:55.186 [SPEAKER_00]: How to have the hand-off conversation, how do you do that well? 44:56.213 --> 45:02.079 [SPEAKER_00]: I have a subtraction worksheet for taking things off your list, even when there's nobody to hand them to. 45:02.099 --> 45:08.706 [SPEAKER_00]: I have journaling prompts and I have an assessment for assessing your bandwidth. 45:08.906 --> 45:12.069 [SPEAKER_00]: So all of that is included in the therapy to go bundle for just $10. 45:14.191 --> 45:15.091 [SPEAKER_00]: And there you have it. 45:15.251 --> 45:19.013 [SPEAKER_00]: So thank you as always for listening, for hanging out with me. 45:19.193 --> 45:20.293 [SPEAKER_00]: I hope this was helpful. 45:20.373 --> 45:27.756 [SPEAKER_00]: I spent a lot of time on this one because I think this is one of the biggest things getting in your way of a peaceful life. 45:27.956 --> 45:30.097 [SPEAKER_00]: And I want you to have a peaceful life, because you deserve it. 45:30.157 --> 45:31.718 [SPEAKER_00]: And I love you so much. 45:31.878 --> 45:32.958 [SPEAKER_00]: I promise it's there. 45:32.978 --> 45:33.038 [SPEAKER_00]: And 45:34.539 --> 45:41.525 [SPEAKER_00]: we don't get to some perfect place and then we're done, you know, it's always something that we're working on or that we're practicing. 45:41.545 --> 45:48.911 [SPEAKER_00]: That's why we call it a practice, but you really can in general have a more peaceful life if you pay attention to your mental load. 45:49.152 --> 45:50.112 [SPEAKER_00]: All right, not. 45:50.533 --> 45:52.634 [SPEAKER_00]: Have an amazing week and we'll talk real soon. 45:53.335 --> 45:55.656 [SPEAKER_00]: Thank you for spending time with me today. 45:55.996 --> 46:00.798 [SPEAKER_00]: If you're loving what you're learning here, come join my one love collective. 46:00.958 --> 46:02.359 [SPEAKER_00]: It's my private community. 46:02.739 --> 46:05.480 [SPEAKER_00]: We'll be take these conversations even deeper. 46:05.920 --> 46:08.561 [SPEAKER_00]: You'll get a ton of bonus content. 46:08.942 --> 46:10.482 [SPEAKER_00]: Live Q&As with me. 46:11.062 --> 46:18.626 [SPEAKER_00]: Guided visualizations, journaling prompts, scripts, and an incredible community of like-minded people. 46:18.826 --> 46:21.807 [SPEAKER_00]: Ready to support you as you create more ease and joy. 46:22.287 --> 46:23.568 [SPEAKER_00]: in all your relationships. 46:24.109 --> 46:28.192 [SPEAKER_00]: It's all waiting for you at AppieMedCraft.com or right on Substack. 46:28.672 --> 46:29.433 [SPEAKER_00]: I'll see you next week.