WEBVTT 00:00.431 --> 00:01.232 [SPEAKER_02]: Okay, this is funny. 00:01.392 --> 00:01.792 [SPEAKER_02]: You know it. 00:01.973 --> 00:05.435 [SPEAKER_02]: Two couples therapists aren't really good at planning daynights. 00:05.836 --> 00:06.857 [SPEAKER_02]: Yeah, seriously. 00:06.897 --> 00:12.101 [SPEAKER_02]: I mean because it requires like us finding a window, a while ago it was baby sitters now. 00:12.121 --> 00:17.786 [SPEAKER_02]: It's just like getting teenagers to help us out and reservations and figure out what to do. 00:18.186 --> 00:19.767 [SPEAKER_00]: It's probably not going to happen. 00:20.008 --> 00:24.071 [SPEAKER_02]: So today, one thing we've been good about is we're sharing our 00:29.076 --> 00:33.461 [SPEAKER_00]: They're just little moments throughout the day also that we share together. 00:33.501 --> 00:35.784 [SPEAKER_00]: They're simple fun and inexpensive. 00:35.884 --> 00:36.625 [SPEAKER_00]: That's like a plus. 00:37.045 --> 00:39.068 [SPEAKER_02]: And you don't even have to leave your house. 00:41.090 --> 00:45.095 [SPEAKER_00]: So let's help you reconnect without making it feel like it's another task. 00:49.918 --> 01:02.667 [SPEAKER_00]: Hello all and welcome to the Relationship Innovation podcast where we share stories, successes, relationships, skills, building everything we need in order to have those relationships that we deserve. 01:02.687 --> 01:04.828 [SPEAKER_00]: So we can be our imperfect selves together. 01:04.928 --> 01:05.889 [SPEAKER_00]: I'm Tara Kerwin. 01:06.089 --> 01:17.616 [SPEAKER_02]: And my name is EJ Kerwin and one dynamic that we struggled with over the years and is blend into like intimacy issues and just like us feeling like we're special. 01:18.877 --> 01:41.032 [SPEAKER_00]: is having a date night planning a date night making time for a date night prioritizing date night and this is something we see with so many couples that are in our practice that are kids busy work schedules but the weekend they're just like zombies and like that's like the last thing they want to do and so we actually just got this idea from whenever our therapist because she has a lot of couples that are really struggling 01:41.572 --> 02:02.478 [SPEAKER_00]: To plan a date night and we're like, let's just do a really short, awesome episode on like ways you can connect together at home That still feel connecting and not like task oriented if you will like and like not another thing on our to do list and I think that this is something that's really kept us together and connected is like this sort of belief that like 02:03.378 --> 02:08.264 [SPEAKER_02]: you know, relationships aren't built upon like grand gestures all the time. 02:08.284 --> 02:15.053 [SPEAKER_02]: Like they're nice once in a while, like I remember I had that idea to go to go on this couple's retreat in Spain with Stantatkin. 02:15.073 --> 02:18.237 [SPEAKER_02]: That was a huge big deal and we waited for ever for it. 02:18.257 --> 02:21.140 [SPEAKER_02]: We had an amazing time and I'll never forget it, but 02:22.222 --> 02:39.822 [SPEAKER_02]: Most of our most connecting moments are built on just like ordinary times Saturday night making it just a little bit special around the house doing something fun even with like kids sleeping over in the house and we're outside doing our thing. 02:39.982 --> 02:47.406 [SPEAKER_00]: We're also going to give you some conversation starters because sometimes it's not even a Saturday night for us like every single day, E.J. 02:47.586 --> 02:53.049 [SPEAKER_00]: almost seven days a week, even our 10 minute morning coffee thing feels like I needed that. 02:53.069 --> 02:54.150 [SPEAKER_00]: It like starts my day. 02:54.470 --> 02:55.171 [SPEAKER_00]: It's 10 minutes. 02:55.191 --> 02:56.531 [SPEAKER_00]: You've done your journaling, right? 02:56.571 --> 03:00.393 [SPEAKER_00]: So we're going to give you some conversation starters, but also some fun day night ideas. 03:00.453 --> 03:04.196 [SPEAKER_00]: And again, if you want to throw out some of your own ideas, we love hearing from you. 03:04.216 --> 03:08.558 [SPEAKER_00]: You can always send us an email or hit us up on our social media or our Patreon community. 03:08.698 --> 03:09.238 [SPEAKER_02]: Absolutely. 03:09.298 --> 03:16.560 [SPEAKER_02]: So a lot of these are things that we have that we do and have done and they've been rich in our life. 03:16.680 --> 03:30.262 [SPEAKER_02]: Even during like kind of like when we were going through some difficult periods where like intimacy was was really challenging and and any us time was really challenging. 03:30.822 --> 03:34.423 [SPEAKER_02]: These gave us just a little bit of connection. 03:34.923 --> 03:35.163 [SPEAKER_02]: All right. 03:35.503 --> 03:36.563 [SPEAKER_02]: So let's just start off. 03:36.603 --> 03:37.304 [SPEAKER_02]: Let's start off. 03:37.564 --> 03:45.486 [SPEAKER_00]: I mean, let's do like Saturday night day nights that feel like still fun, but they're at home and then we'll go into more of the general like smaller ones. 03:45.586 --> 03:46.386 [SPEAKER_02]: Yes, yes. 03:46.486 --> 03:49.287 [SPEAKER_00]: So we would again, we are like sleep over house central. 03:49.747 --> 03:53.308 [SPEAKER_00]: We remove ourselves from all of the kids and we sit outside. 03:54.048 --> 03:57.412 [SPEAKER_00]: 30 minutes in our and we ask each other questions. 03:57.452 --> 04:00.555 [SPEAKER_00]: We have like a ton of different intimacy decks. 04:00.835 --> 04:01.996 [SPEAKER_00]: We have the What If Books. 04:02.297 --> 04:10.105 [SPEAKER_00]: You can get them all on Amazon and we just sit and we kind of scramble a deck and we pull one out and we ask each other questions and it's so fun. 04:10.205 --> 04:12.848 [SPEAKER_02]: That was our go to especially during 04:13.588 --> 04:37.877 [SPEAKER_02]: the years where we couldn't even think about planning a nice at-home dinner together is we would once everybody went to bed we had the if book but over the years we got different ones we got card decks and we would go out for at least an hour we would block it you know and we'd go outside sit and we'd ask each other questions and that and that was wonderful like 04:40.218 --> 04:48.082 [SPEAKER_02]: And sometimes I'll get to some really like vulnerable tough conversations like, but it it kept us together. 04:48.562 --> 04:51.303 [SPEAKER_02]: So I think that's like the easiest, quickest thing. 04:51.703 --> 04:59.147 [SPEAKER_02]: If a couple of were you're feeling like you're in the weeds, an hour on a Saturday night answering questions out of like a deck or a book. 04:59.547 --> 05:03.530 [SPEAKER_00]: Now, I'm always a big fan of like, because we like to stay home on the weekends. 05:03.610 --> 05:06.732 [SPEAKER_00]: It's like, I kind of get dressed up and do all my stuff during the week. 05:06.752 --> 05:14.158 [SPEAKER_00]: And I'm like, you know, and all this feels just like overwhelming to like, you know, I mean, once in a while, but I love having like a good theme. 05:14.178 --> 05:16.039 [SPEAKER_00]: So I'll be like, ooh, it's Saturday night. 05:16.079 --> 05:18.241 [SPEAKER_00]: What kind of theme do we want to have for like a barbecue? 05:18.261 --> 05:19.682 [SPEAKER_00]: Do you want to do like steak and potatoes? 05:19.722 --> 05:21.183 [SPEAKER_00]: Just like planning the menu? 05:21.723 --> 05:24.125 [SPEAKER_00]: Can feel fun, even though you're the cooker of the menu? 05:24.745 --> 05:26.847 [SPEAKER_00]: I'm just having like a fun like theme night. 05:26.907 --> 05:27.927 [SPEAKER_00]: Like, sometimes we'll do like 05:28.748 --> 05:33.031 [SPEAKER_00]: You know, backyard barbecue hot dogs and rods do a pool movie. 05:33.852 --> 05:37.474 [SPEAKER_00]: Last week, and we played Buggle 20 minutes right 20 minutes. 05:37.534 --> 05:39.436 [SPEAKER_00]: I kicked your button Buggle by one point. 05:39.516 --> 05:40.276 [SPEAKER_02]: That was amazing. 05:40.296 --> 05:40.656 [SPEAKER_02]: Come back. 05:40.897 --> 05:42.358 [SPEAKER_00]: But it was just like trying to find. 05:42.418 --> 05:45.360 [SPEAKER_00]: And it was 20 minutes because my brain can't do past 20 minutes. 05:45.400 --> 05:47.281 [SPEAKER_02]: So those are those are two separate things. 05:47.301 --> 05:48.382 [SPEAKER_02]: I don't want to like, Yeah. 05:48.402 --> 05:54.927 [SPEAKER_02]: Christmas up one thing we've, we've done pretty frequently is we plan a menu earlier in the day. 05:55.667 --> 05:57.629 [SPEAKER_02]: We decide like, okay, what do we want to have? 05:57.669 --> 05:59.770 [SPEAKER_02]: We're going to have like a little seafood night. 05:59.790 --> 06:00.851 [SPEAKER_02]: Let's do a seafood night. 06:00.871 --> 06:02.833 [SPEAKER_02]: We're going to have like a steak and potatoes night. 06:03.353 --> 06:10.019 [SPEAKER_02]: Am I going to like do a barbecue and like have it like, you know, maybe I'll do something that's smoking and it takes like a little bit more time. 06:10.199 --> 06:11.400 [SPEAKER_00]: Smash burger night is the best. 06:11.900 --> 06:29.847 [SPEAKER_02]: So we set a menu together, then you know, some recently we've also started like where we actually because for a while like there was so much with the kids as she'd do with the kids, I'd prepare the dinner so that once everybody was asleep, then we'd have our nice dinner outside together alone. 06:30.307 --> 06:36.770 [SPEAKER_02]: But now because the kids are a little bit older, now we actually prepare it together a lot of times like she does the chimituri. 06:37.410 --> 06:38.690 [SPEAKER_02]: I do the state. 06:38.770 --> 06:44.572 [SPEAKER_02]: So having a very planned together meal outside is awesome. 06:44.892 --> 06:47.653 [SPEAKER_02]: And then the other thing she talked about there is game night. 06:47.893 --> 06:48.713 [SPEAKER_02]: Super simple. 06:49.233 --> 07:01.797 [SPEAKER_02]: Get three different games, get boggle, get scrabble, you know, you know, some people like more like quirky games, like sellers of a katana and and coup and stuff like that or or yatzi. 07:01.817 --> 07:03.257 [SPEAKER_02]: We've had a lot of fun with yatzi. 07:03.277 --> 07:03.717 [SPEAKER_02]: So we got 07:06.370 --> 07:14.314 [SPEAKER_00]: Just the fun of doing something different, getting out of your routine, again, even planning something different, it feels exciting, it feels fun. 07:14.734 --> 07:18.615 [SPEAKER_00]: Sometimes we'll even do like movie night, like do we wanna do 80s movie night? 07:19.036 --> 07:19.736 [SPEAKER_00]: Or movie night? 07:20.156 --> 07:21.357 [SPEAKER_00]: Pop, Kryn, cheese, board. 07:22.097 --> 07:26.139 [SPEAKER_00]: And one of our favorites and our kids absolutely love this two as appetizer night. 07:26.699 --> 07:28.520 [SPEAKER_00]: So everyone picks a different appetizer. 07:29.040 --> 07:31.381 [SPEAKER_00]: We have appetizer slash movie night or game night. 07:31.421 --> 07:35.183 [SPEAKER_00]: Like usually the kids are doing their video games and their movies in each and I have our, 07:35.763 --> 07:55.330 [SPEAKER_02]: Much better appetizer is outside of cheese stick a big one for us for a while was our charcoal Reboard night where like we would make a we'd go to like trader Joe's we'd get a bunch of sort of weird stuff from there We'd make a charcoal reboard together and then again once we we we tried to do this like as soon as the kids are either 07:55.870 --> 08:08.194 [SPEAKER_02]: busy doing their own thing, or they were asleep for the night, then we'd bring out our trickery report, we'd sit there, we'd watch a movie, and it's just like, it's a little extra than just like Netflix and chill, right? 08:08.274 --> 08:11.815 [SPEAKER_02]: It's like, it's just a little bit, it made it just a little special. 08:11.915 --> 08:14.376 [SPEAKER_02]: It just just changed the vibe just a little bit. 08:14.636 --> 08:19.677 [SPEAKER_00]: So now getting out of like, let's just say like Friday night Saturday nights, you know, your kids are in sports. 08:19.697 --> 08:20.717 [SPEAKER_00]: You don't get home to a line. 08:21.458 --> 08:27.919 [SPEAKER_00]: Each and I have tried really hard, especially this past summer to go on morning walks together with our dogs, even for 20 minutes. 08:28.059 --> 08:30.560 [SPEAKER_00]: Again, we don't ask the kids to come with us. 08:30.660 --> 08:35.161 [SPEAKER_00]: It's connecting we're at the park, we're outside, even if it's 100 degrees. 08:35.781 --> 08:37.741 [SPEAKER_00]: And it feels really good we're walking together. 08:37.761 --> 08:41.442 [SPEAKER_00]: And then also, again, these are just connecting moments, even if you 08:45.183 --> 08:49.704 [SPEAKER_00]: is our morning coffee every morning, even before work, Monday through Sunday. 08:49.724 --> 08:51.704 [SPEAKER_00]: AJ wakes up before me. 08:51.964 --> 08:53.385 [SPEAKER_00]: He makes me a cup of coffee. 08:53.785 --> 08:54.285 [SPEAKER_00]: I get up. 08:55.325 --> 08:56.805 [SPEAKER_00]: We read a little thing out of a book. 08:57.745 --> 08:58.986 [SPEAKER_00]: We check in with each other. 08:59.006 --> 09:01.626 [SPEAKER_00]: Even if it's 10 minutes, it's everything. 09:01.646 --> 09:09.948 [SPEAKER_00]: So even if we have no other contact throughout the day because we're so busy, we had that 10 minutes in the morning where we were like, we love each other. 09:09.968 --> 09:11.508 [SPEAKER_00]: Thank you for the coffee. 09:12.348 --> 09:14.309 [SPEAKER_00]: Sometimes we fold laundry together. 09:14.469 --> 09:18.652 [SPEAKER_00]: I know that's not sexy, but it's like we're in each other space folding laundry. 09:19.093 --> 09:21.894 [SPEAKER_00]: Talking about the day, that feels good too. 09:22.275 --> 09:34.883 [SPEAKER_02]: Another weekend one that we've had fun with and this could go for like, you know, it could go either way, it could go into the, if you, if you invite a little bit of spirits or you, or you guys don't, it could be a mocktail, but making a fun drink together. 09:34.923 --> 09:38.346 [SPEAKER_02]: That was something we did for a while as we'd go like, we'd go with the season. 09:38.366 --> 09:39.046 [SPEAKER_00]: The holiday moment. 09:39.186 --> 09:40.868 [SPEAKER_02]: We do like a holiday mojito. 09:40.948 --> 09:45.452 [SPEAKER_02]: We do like a, you know, a pumpkin spice this or that. 09:45.852 --> 09:49.476 [SPEAKER_02]: But, you know, anything you can do to create a novel experience. 09:49.496 --> 09:57.423 [SPEAKER_02]: I think a lot of these things, that's what it comes down to is a novel experience between the two of you, where you sort of collaborate. 09:57.463 --> 09:58.804 [SPEAKER_02]: You work on it together. 09:59.145 --> 10:01.187 [SPEAKER_02]: We've always loved this over the years. 10:01.587 --> 10:05.349 [SPEAKER_00]: And we actually love like a few nights a week, not every night. 10:05.429 --> 10:08.051 [SPEAKER_00]: We love watching Bravo TV. 10:08.171 --> 10:09.211 [SPEAKER_00]: It's like our love. 10:09.271 --> 10:11.873 [SPEAKER_00]: It's like kids know, like this is our time. 10:11.933 --> 10:14.474 [SPEAKER_00]: We are watching below deck or the valley. 10:14.794 --> 10:16.295 [SPEAKER_00]: We're having our yogurt snack. 10:16.695 --> 10:19.197 [SPEAKER_00]: And it's like that time feels precious to us. 10:19.217 --> 10:21.938 [SPEAKER_00]: We're sitting next to each other enjoying our yogurt snack. 10:22.199 --> 10:24.540 [SPEAKER_00]: Watching really awesome reality. 10:24.840 --> 10:26.301 [SPEAKER_02]: And that could be different for each of you. 10:26.341 --> 10:35.547 [SPEAKER_02]: Maybe you guys both went through the University of Tennessee and making sure you make special time to watch the, you know, the University of Tennessee softball game this weekend. 10:35.627 --> 10:41.471 [SPEAKER_02]: And you know, again, something together, something you both enjoy is imperative. 10:41.631 --> 10:43.091 [SPEAKER_00]: And we just kind of to end this. 10:43.111 --> 10:45.172 [SPEAKER_00]: We want this to be like a short but sweet one. 10:45.552 --> 10:47.852 [SPEAKER_00]: Just some fun conversations, starters. 10:48.353 --> 11:00.055 [SPEAKER_00]: Even if you weren't able to connect throughout the day, or you just want to send a text to like, say, gosh, I know we're really busy, but I really want to prioritize our relationship, even if it's only five minutes today, or even before you go to bed. 11:00.875 --> 11:04.876 [SPEAKER_00]: What's one moment this week today that made you smile? 11:05.557 --> 11:07.037 [SPEAKER_00]: That's one conversation starter. 11:08.097 --> 11:10.479 [SPEAKER_00]: What's something you've appreciated about me lately? 11:10.499 --> 11:11.619 [SPEAKER_00]: Oh, I like that. 11:11.680 --> 11:12.080 [SPEAKER_00]: I want to. 11:12.120 --> 11:12.660 [SPEAKER_00]: I want to. 11:13.621 --> 11:16.142 [SPEAKER_00]: What's one thing I've appreciated about you lately? 11:17.043 --> 11:20.845 [SPEAKER_00]: What's one adventure you'd love for us to have someday, right? 11:20.905 --> 11:22.406 [SPEAKER_02]: We've had fun with that occasionally. 11:22.506 --> 11:23.767 [SPEAKER_00]: Yes, oh my gosh. 11:23.787 --> 11:27.709 [SPEAKER_00]: We think about all the adventures in the camping, our bee trips. 11:27.769 --> 11:28.490 [SPEAKER_00]: Let's go. 11:29.430 --> 11:39.513 [SPEAKER_00]: It's fun to just talk about it in dream when we know we're in a season of busy, right, that we know that it's not forever, that we have this space for our adventures. 11:40.233 --> 11:41.393 [SPEAKER_00]: Oh, I love this question. 11:41.553 --> 11:46.234 [SPEAKER_00]: If we met today, what would first catch your attention about me now? 11:46.454 --> 11:47.715 [SPEAKER_02]: What's the name? 11:47.935 --> 11:51.896 [SPEAKER_00]: I know 15 years ago, I was a totally different person, but I love that question. 11:51.956 --> 11:55.937 [SPEAKER_00]: If you met me now in the current state, what's one thing that would get your attention? 11:57.137 --> 12:00.901 [SPEAKER_00]: And what's a memory about us that still makes us laugh. 12:01.041 --> 12:05.886 [SPEAKER_00]: Again, light, playful conversations get out of the routine of it all. 12:06.066 --> 12:08.728 [SPEAKER_00]: It takes five seconds to ask a question. 12:08.748 --> 12:09.689 [SPEAKER_00]: Yeah. 12:09.709 --> 12:15.195 [SPEAKER_00]: So it's just about creating little habits together that start to stick. 12:15.655 --> 12:22.782 [SPEAKER_00]: Whether there are five minutes, 30 minutes, or even an hour, and now like each and I have on a Saturday, you don't have to have the grand gestures. 12:22.842 --> 12:26.506 [SPEAKER_00]: It's about creating the small moments that prioritize your relationships. 12:26.526 --> 12:30.490 [SPEAKER_00]: So if you're not being able to schedule a date night, do not feel bad. 12:30.570 --> 12:35.856 [SPEAKER_00]: You can have date nights at home folding laundry and feel connected. 12:35.936 --> 12:39.959 [SPEAKER_02]: And this is what I'm gonna make you a promise right now before this episode comes out on the day. 12:40.079 --> 12:47.204 [SPEAKER_02]: It comes out if you're not already a member of our free Patreon community where we have like extras that go up there. 12:47.705 --> 12:49.006 [SPEAKER_02]: I try to throw up tips. 12:49.666 --> 12:54.270 [SPEAKER_02]: I'm gonna put up a post with 50 other date night ideas. 12:55.010 --> 12:56.571 [SPEAKER_02]: I'm going to stretch. 12:56.611 --> 12:58.612 [SPEAKER_02]: I got a couple of weeks to get that list together. 12:58.632 --> 13:00.533 [SPEAKER_02]: So I'm going to get that list together. 13:00.973 --> 13:03.734 [SPEAKER_02]: There's a link in our show notes to the Patreon community. 13:04.174 --> 13:05.195 [SPEAKER_02]: Join it for free. 13:05.515 --> 13:07.156 [SPEAKER_02]: There'll be a whole list that you and your partner. 13:07.176 --> 13:09.917 [SPEAKER_02]: And you guys could circle ones that you're into. 13:09.937 --> 13:10.937 [SPEAKER_00]: Yeah, I love it. 13:11.437 --> 13:16.900 [SPEAKER_00]: So remember, the healthiest couples aren't always the ones that have their fancy date night outs. 13:17.364 --> 13:23.389 [SPEAKER_02]: because they are the couples who are constantly finding ways to turn to each other in very small ways. 13:23.649 --> 13:26.291 [SPEAKER_00]: Relationships do not grow from grand gestures. 13:26.511 --> 13:31.575 [SPEAKER_02]: They come from thousands of small moments where you just turn towards one another. 13:31.940 --> 13:37.744 [SPEAKER_00]: So don't wait for the perfect date nights start creating small moments of connection and see what happens. 13:37.864 --> 13:39.205 [SPEAKER_02]: This has been a lot of fun. 13:39.585 --> 13:47.030 [SPEAKER_02]: If you have not become a subscriber to our podcast or our YouTube channel, that is such a meaningful way that you guys can help us out. 13:47.050 --> 13:54.975 [SPEAKER_02]: So please hit that subscribe button and head over to Patreon and check out those 50 other ways that you and your partner can connect. 13:55.525 --> 14:00.709 [SPEAKER_00]: As always, take care of yourself, take care of each other, plan those little moments together. 14:01.209 --> 14:03.370 [SPEAKER_00]: Even if you can't get out, okay, bye-bye. 14:03.651 --> 14:03.971 [SPEAKER_00]: Bye-bye.