WEBVTT 00:05.505 --> 00:07.526 [SPEAKER_01]: Hello and welcome back to part in the mess. 00:07.646 --> 00:09.328 [SPEAKER_01]: I'm your host, Scarlett Hiltabidal. 00:09.688 --> 00:11.169 [SPEAKER_01]: It is wonderful to see you guys. 00:11.609 --> 00:22.396 [SPEAKER_01]: My new friends, okay, we've been friends for like a month and a half now and I'm so grateful and I'm starting to feel so comfortable as your friend that I'm gonna tell you a little something about how I've been spending this summer. 00:22.596 --> 00:24.698 [SPEAKER_01]: I have been spending a lot of this summer. 00:25.058 --> 00:26.900 [SPEAKER_01]: dealing with a dental situation. 00:27.220 --> 00:40.932 [SPEAKER_01]: So I'm kind of in the in-between of a dental implant where I've had to have a tooth removed and now I've got this fake tooth that I have to remember to put in that I often forget to put in and if I don't put it in I'm just missing a tooth until I can 00:41.332 --> 00:41.652 [SPEAKER_01]: heal. 00:41.772 --> 00:46.256 [SPEAKER_01]: My job bone has to heal or something and then I can get a crown and I'll have teeth again. 00:46.336 --> 00:51.900 [SPEAKER_01]: But right now I'm missing a tooth you guys and I realized after last week's episode with my beautiful sister, Aubrey. 00:52.100 --> 01:08.693 [SPEAKER_01]: Realized I had recorded an entire episode without my fake tooth and thought for a second maybe I should rerecord this episode and put my tooth in because I know most people are listeners and not watchers but there are some watchers and you know I have a pretty big smiles sometimes and then you can see that I don't have a tooth but I decided 01:09.453 --> 01:20.202 [SPEAKER_01]: That we're friends that this podcast is called part in the mess, and so I'm just going to ask you my new friends to part in my toothlessness last week And I want you to know that because I love you, I'm wearing my tooth. 01:20.462 --> 01:30.090 [SPEAKER_01]: So this episode is brought to you by my fake temporary tooth And I'm wearing it this week, and my intention is to wear it every week for you until I have a crown. 01:30.211 --> 01:30.691 [SPEAKER_01]: I'm okay. 01:30.991 --> 01:32.413 [SPEAKER_01]: So, just wanted to get that out of the way. 01:32.533 --> 01:33.875 [SPEAKER_01]: Probably didn't need to share any of that. 01:34.196 --> 01:37.360 [SPEAKER_01]: I hope none of you have dental implants as part of your summer plans. 01:37.480 --> 01:41.987 [SPEAKER_01]: But today's episode is titled, I don't know how to help my child through friendship drama. 01:42.247 --> 01:46.453 [SPEAKER_01]: Okay, speaking of you and I being friends, okay, and you knowing about all my dental problems. 01:46.873 --> 01:56.581 [SPEAKER_01]: So, I am really excited about this episode because I think one of the hardest things about being a human being on this earth is dealing with relational conflict, okay? 01:56.922 --> 02:11.053 [SPEAKER_01]: And so, of course, when you have children and your mom and you love these little people that you're raising a way more than yourself, it is like even harder to watch them go through relational conflict and not be able to swoop in and save the day and fix it all the time, right? 02:15.677 --> 02:29.610 [SPEAKER_01]: It's our job as their moms to teach them how to walk with grace, how to follow Jesus, not just personally, not just like, okay, I'm going to read my Bible and pray every day, but like, how am I going to interact with other people in the world when they hurt me? 02:30.030 --> 02:31.151 [SPEAKER_01]: How am I going to forgive? 02:31.251 --> 02:32.532 [SPEAKER_01]: How am I going to address this? 02:32.873 --> 02:34.894 [SPEAKER_01]: Like, it's our job to teach our kids how to do that. 02:34.974 --> 02:42.241 [SPEAKER_01]: So that means it's not only our job to tell them what Jesus says about it in his word, which we are going to talk about today, but it's also our job to live it out in front of them. 02:42.341 --> 02:43.763 [SPEAKER_01]: And that's so hard, right? 02:44.123 --> 02:47.528 [SPEAKER_01]: So I'm excited about this topic because I think it's really important. 02:47.748 --> 02:49.751 [SPEAKER_01]: And I brought on my friend Vanessa. 02:49.791 --> 02:53.436 [SPEAKER_01]: You'll see her later or you'll hear from her later during our messy mom moment. 02:53.756 --> 02:55.298 [SPEAKER_01]: Vanessa is one of my nearest and dearest. 02:55.438 --> 03:00.245 [SPEAKER_01]: And she has two kids out in the world, young adults, and one who is a senior. 03:00.545 --> 03:01.406 [SPEAKER_01]: this coming fall. 03:01.746 --> 03:02.788 [SPEAKER_01]: So she's got lots of wisdom. 03:02.808 --> 03:04.089 [SPEAKER_01]: She's going to share with you guys on this. 03:04.229 --> 03:09.735 [SPEAKER_01]: Today we're talking about something that can absolutely break our hearts, watching our children get hurt by a friend. 03:10.175 --> 03:12.218 [SPEAKER_01]: So maybe they weren't invited to something. 03:12.258 --> 03:13.499 [SPEAKER_01]: Maybe they're being excluded. 03:13.859 --> 03:16.582 [SPEAKER_01]: Maybe there's legitimate drama in their friend group. 03:16.943 --> 03:19.485 [SPEAKER_01]: Maybe they had a friendship that suddenly changed. 03:19.625 --> 03:20.927 [SPEAKER_01]: Maybe they're sitting at lunch alone. 03:21.267 --> 03:25.328 [SPEAKER_01]: There's a lot of situations and as moms, we might ask ourselves, like, how can I help my child? 03:25.368 --> 03:26.989 [SPEAKER_01]: Through this, should I step in? 03:27.009 --> 03:27.949 [SPEAKER_01]: Should I stay out of it? 03:28.309 --> 03:30.830 [SPEAKER_01]: How do I teach them to handle conflict in a godly way? 03:31.390 --> 03:34.431 [SPEAKER_01]: So the main tension here is we want to protect our children from pain. 03:34.711 --> 03:43.414 [SPEAKER_01]: It is our job to protect our children in a sense, but God often uses relational pain to shape their character and to deepen their dependence on him. 03:43.854 --> 03:45.335 [SPEAKER_01]: Doesn't he do the same for us, you guys. 03:45.455 --> 03:45.695 [SPEAKER_01]: Doesn't 03:50.056 --> 03:58.620 [SPEAKER_01]: to make us more like him and to help our hearts learn how to obey him and depend on him and get to see restoration, right? 03:59.001 --> 04:00.661 [SPEAKER_01]: Okay, so the mess. 04:00.781 --> 04:03.243 [SPEAKER_01]: Why does friendship drama feel so personal to me? 04:03.343 --> 04:05.544 [SPEAKER_01]: I wanted to share just two brief stories. 04:05.564 --> 04:06.925 [SPEAKER_01]: I'm not going to go super into detail. 04:07.145 --> 04:08.565 [SPEAKER_01]: These are not stories from my childhood. 04:08.585 --> 04:13.568 [SPEAKER_01]: These are stories from my young adult life, because when I think about helping my own kids through friendship drama, 04:13.968 --> 04:19.532 [SPEAKER_01]: I think a big part of that is letting them into your own walk with Jesus and what it's looked like for you. 04:19.892 --> 04:30.319 [SPEAKER_01]: And as I've talked to my older girls about friendship drama, and you know, if they are either facing something and asking me for advice, you know, I draw from my own experiences. 04:30.659 --> 04:38.704 [SPEAKER_01]: And I can think of two times when I was in my early 20s, and I was new to the workforce, and I had some conflict with some other adults in my life. 04:39.024 --> 04:41.525 [SPEAKER_01]: And I was determined at that point in my life. 04:41.585 --> 04:43.446 [SPEAKER_01]: I was taking the Bible super seriously. 04:43.787 --> 04:45.968 [SPEAKER_01]: The Lord had just changed my life in a really big way. 04:45.988 --> 04:51.631 [SPEAKER_01]: He had gotten me out of a sin that I was stuck in that I felt like I would always be stuck in. 04:51.971 --> 04:53.852 [SPEAKER_01]: And so in my early 20s, I just was like, 04:54.192 --> 04:57.436 [SPEAKER_01]: reading the Bible on fire about telling people about him. 04:57.516 --> 05:00.239 [SPEAKER_01]: And I was like, if God's word says it, I really want to do it. 05:00.500 --> 05:10.131 [SPEAKER_01]: So I just remember these two situations, me reading Matthew 18, where Jesus tells the disciples how to handle conflict and tells us as his followers. 05:10.191 --> 05:10.792 [SPEAKER_01]: Like, this is how we 05:11.933 --> 05:12.714 [SPEAKER_01]: And so I did it. 05:12.994 --> 05:15.737 [SPEAKER_01]: And in the first situation, it went beautifully. 05:16.157 --> 05:17.018 [SPEAKER_01]: And there was restoration. 05:17.118 --> 05:19.700 [SPEAKER_01]: And in the second situation, I did the same thing. 05:19.981 --> 05:22.663 [SPEAKER_01]: And it got way worse and way more painful and Iki. 05:23.043 --> 05:24.285 [SPEAKER_01]: And there's no boat of tianna. 05:24.505 --> 05:27.588 [SPEAKER_01]: And it was just a bad situation until I left that job. 05:27.708 --> 05:29.490 [SPEAKER_01]: And it didn't work with that person anymore. 05:29.850 --> 05:33.934 [SPEAKER_01]: And so I think it's important to share these stories with our kids to situations. 05:34.314 --> 05:39.957 [SPEAKER_01]: two times, I, you know, attempted to do what Matthew 18 said and two very different outcomes. 05:40.137 --> 05:41.598 [SPEAKER_01]: And here's the connection to parenting. 05:41.658 --> 05:46.060 [SPEAKER_01]: Okay, when our children experience friendship struggles, we want to fix it. 05:46.080 --> 05:47.261 [SPEAKER_01]: We want to rescue them out of it. 05:47.301 --> 05:48.141 [SPEAKER_01]: We want justice. 05:48.441 --> 05:54.985 [SPEAKER_01]: We want everyone to like them and beneath that is maybe fear or control or maybe our own old wounds being hurt. 05:55.385 --> 06:03.149 [SPEAKER_01]: are desired to protect them from a pain that feels really personal to us, but we have to remember that our goal is not to raise children who never experienced conflict. 06:03.249 --> 06:08.893 [SPEAKER_01]: It's to raise children who know how to respond to conflict in a Christlike way, no matter what the outcome is. 06:09.233 --> 06:11.134 [SPEAKER_01]: I think it's super important to be honest with your kids. 06:11.174 --> 06:11.354 [SPEAKER_01]: Like, 06:11.794 --> 06:31.394 [SPEAKER_01]: Hey, we're going to do what the Bible says here when you go back to school and face this person here's how here's how a Christian does it and it might go great and it might not go great, but you know what here's how to respond like Jesus so we're going to get more into what Jesus says about this, but first I want to bring in my friend Vanessa for our messy mom moment to talk about her experience with this in parenting 06:34.568 --> 06:36.370 [SPEAKER_01]: Hi Vanessa, welcome to part in the best! 06:36.830 --> 06:37.851 [SPEAKER_00]: Hi yay! 06:38.192 --> 06:38.852 [SPEAKER_00]: Hi to be here! 06:39.113 --> 06:42.536 [SPEAKER_01]: This is one of my nearest and dearest friends Vanessa Dolberry. 06:42.877 --> 06:44.518 [SPEAKER_01]: She is a pastor's wife like me. 06:44.718 --> 06:52.186 [SPEAKER_01]: We meant Tennessee a while ago, and I've moved around a lot, so our relationship has become primarily on Marco Polo, the video chatting app. 06:52.266 --> 06:53.467 [SPEAKER_01]: It's like video voice mails. 06:53.828 --> 06:55.169 [SPEAKER_01]: I only do it with a couple of people. 06:56.150 --> 07:06.168 [SPEAKER_01]: We just kind of share everything in our lives on Marco Polo, so I was just telling her before we started recording the only the preparation for podcasting was talking to her on Marco Polo for all these years. 07:06.288 --> 07:07.210 [SPEAKER_01]: So I'm very grateful. 07:08.903 --> 07:09.584 [SPEAKER_02]: We're pretty good at it. 07:10.064 --> 07:11.065 [SPEAKER_01]: We're pretty good at it, right? 07:11.105 --> 07:12.566 [SPEAKER_01]: We're pretty good at talking on our pillow. 07:13.066 --> 07:14.608 [SPEAKER_01]: Okay, I'm so grateful. 07:14.728 --> 07:19.171 [SPEAKER_01]: I know that my friend Vanessa, if you're on YouTube watching, looks like she's only 16 years old. 07:19.512 --> 07:20.532 [SPEAKER_01]: I know that's what she looks like. 07:20.993 --> 07:22.014 [SPEAKER_01]: She is really good genetics. 07:22.454 --> 07:23.155 [SPEAKER_01]: She's very beautiful. 07:23.575 --> 07:26.978 [SPEAKER_01]: But she has two launched kids out in the world now. 07:27.298 --> 07:29.099 [SPEAKER_01]: And one, is he going to be a senior this year? 07:29.119 --> 07:29.600 [SPEAKER_01]: Is that true? 07:29.800 --> 07:31.601 [SPEAKER_02]: Yes, he's kind of a senior. 07:31.721 --> 07:34.163 [SPEAKER_02]: He'll be 18 and a few months unbelievable. 07:34.504 --> 07:35.905 [SPEAKER_01]: Okay, so this is my friend Vanessa. 07:35.945 --> 07:36.926 [SPEAKER_01]: She is an expert mom. 07:37.666 --> 07:38.687 [SPEAKER_01]: I learned so much from her. 07:40.107 --> 07:40.668 [SPEAKER_02]: It's true. 07:42.048 --> 07:42.368 [SPEAKER_01]: It's true. 07:42.769 --> 07:43.089 [SPEAKER_01]: Okay. 07:43.129 --> 07:46.090 [SPEAKER_01]: So I wanted to do this episode on Friendship Drama. 07:46.330 --> 07:49.452 [SPEAKER_01]: And I'm really grateful because I asked her about all these different topics. 07:49.572 --> 07:59.317 [SPEAKER_01]: And she chose this one and got special permission from her grown-up daughter, who's engaged to be married now, to share this story from, is it middle school, this friendship story? 08:00.157 --> 08:00.397 [SPEAKER_01]: Okay. 08:00.497 --> 08:02.178 [SPEAKER_02]: I think it's fifth grade. 08:02.518 --> 08:06.860 [SPEAKER_02]: We, you know, I was trying to think about like our kids in like drama. 08:06.941 --> 08:08.781 [SPEAKER_02]: And of course, I've got two boys and a girl. 08:08.822 --> 08:09.742 [SPEAKER_02]: So I'm asked the drama. 08:09.802 --> 08:13.644 [SPEAKER_02]: I'm thinking of came with the girl, not saying she's drama. 08:13.784 --> 08:16.986 [SPEAKER_02]: I'm just saying girls have lots of feelings and they talk about it. 08:17.046 --> 08:21.848 [SPEAKER_02]: You know, my oldest son, actually the other day, who's like, oh, I had a lot of drama mom used to know about it. 08:23.029 --> 08:24.930 [SPEAKER_02]: He was like, because we just looked like whatever it's 08:25.530 --> 08:27.191 [SPEAKER_02]: I remember this one time though. 08:27.351 --> 08:28.692 [SPEAKER_02]: Emma was in fifth grade. 08:29.012 --> 08:32.953 [SPEAKER_02]: She had this friend who they would hang out a little bit. 08:32.973 --> 08:39.616 [SPEAKER_02]: They weren't super close yet, but they did hang out and something kind of changed, I guess, and she started kind of bullying Emma. 08:39.696 --> 08:42.878 [SPEAKER_02]: I mean, I think we all had that bullying middle school, you know. 08:43.258 --> 09:06.283 [SPEAKER_02]: and this was hers, and so there had come this point where a friend of hers at school, who was a boy who probably wished she had never gotten in the middle of this, told her, hey, this girl said XYZ about you, I won't say what she said, although I do remember, but it was something about her physical appearance, and so I think Emma had just had enough, and so she told the boy she was like, all right, meet me at school at 730 tomorrow. 09:06.523 --> 09:10.544 [SPEAKER_02]: And she told the girl who had said, you know, the friend who had said this about her, 09:13.245 --> 09:20.050 [SPEAKER_02]: So, she had them both meter there and she was like, okay, he said you said this about me, did you say this about me? 09:20.090 --> 09:21.270 [SPEAKER_02]: And I think she helped out to it. 09:21.611 --> 09:29.736 [SPEAKER_02]: And then Emma was just like, well that's not okay, you should be saying that about me, you know, she just like completely just got right into the conflict and addressed it. 09:30.216 --> 09:47.808 [SPEAKER_02]: And I remember thinking like you're 10, like I wouldn't do that now, probably like I was just so impressed that she would do that, but I think to that I mean we've gotten so many things wrong parenting especially me I've definitely messed up way more times than I've gotten it right, but I think that 09:48.208 --> 10:15.980 [SPEAKER_02]: We have tried to model with our kids that they have to figure things out and like we're not going to just come in and swoop them up and save the day, you know, we've got to, I mean, obviously they're age appropriate times when you do that, but as they're getting older, we tried to give them tools to, you know, to work on those relationships, whatever it is, if there's conflict or, or, you know, sometimes relationships can get past conflicts, sometimes they can't, but to at least address it and to try to, you know, 10:16.360 --> 10:22.622 [SPEAKER_02]: step into the conflict and try to move past it to kind of do the Matthew 18. 10:22.742 --> 10:36.205 [SPEAKER_02]: I'm not sure if this girl was a believer but you know instead of just letting things go and obviously sometimes you need to let things go but there's also times when we need to address things and so yeah I think she did a good job of that. 10:36.865 --> 10:38.927 [SPEAKER_01]: For sure, I was can bully her anymore. 10:39.087 --> 10:41.249 [SPEAKER_01]: That's amazingly mature for fifth grader. 10:41.509 --> 10:48.114 [SPEAKER_01]: And I was going to ask you if you remember how involved, you said you modeled this Matthew 18 for your kids, which is awesome. 10:48.435 --> 10:53.379 [SPEAKER_01]: But do you remember like, what did you find out about this after the fact or how involved were you on the front end? 10:53.439 --> 10:54.820 [SPEAKER_01]: Did you encourage her to do that? 10:54.840 --> 10:57.202 [SPEAKER_01]: Or is it just like this thing happened that you did it on her own? 10:57.342 --> 11:00.003 [SPEAKER_02]: I don't remember if we encourage her, but we knew about it. 11:00.203 --> 11:05.604 [SPEAKER_02]: So I think we definitely, and it honestly was probably my husband, because he's really good at all of this. 11:05.924 --> 11:07.824 [SPEAKER_02]: He probably said, well, you need a doctor about it. 11:08.144 --> 11:10.465 [SPEAKER_02]: You need to address it, you know? 11:10.525 --> 11:14.286 [SPEAKER_02]: And so I don't remember this specific situation. 11:14.446 --> 11:19.127 [SPEAKER_02]: All the details around it, but I can remember so many times with her and our other kids of like, 11:19.927 --> 11:21.128 [SPEAKER_02]: You know, they're in this situation. 11:21.208 --> 11:22.168 [SPEAKER_02]: How do I handle it? 11:22.248 --> 11:24.590 [SPEAKER_02]: Where again, like I said a lot of times this parent. 11:24.610 --> 11:26.631 [SPEAKER_02]: So we just want to be like, okay, let me call them. 11:26.971 --> 11:29.332 [SPEAKER_00]: You know, let me call their mom. 11:29.472 --> 11:39.398 [SPEAKER_02]: You know, and but we tried to not do that and to just, you know, give them advice of like, okay, well, have you thought about this or, okay, I'm going to text them this mom. 11:39.418 --> 11:40.258 [SPEAKER_02]: What does this look like? 11:40.458 --> 11:41.999 [SPEAKER_02]: Well, this could come across this way. 11:42.119 --> 11:46.962 [SPEAKER_02]: You know, we're just trying to help them and give them tools to be able to navigate. 11:47.362 --> 11:48.762 [SPEAKER_01]: themselves if possible. 11:48.782 --> 11:49.362 [SPEAKER_01]: It's so good. 11:49.683 --> 11:50.523 [SPEAKER_01]: You're so wise. 11:50.543 --> 11:51.183 [SPEAKER_01]: That's awesome. 11:51.283 --> 11:52.363 [SPEAKER_01]: Thank you for sharing that my friend. 11:52.483 --> 11:55.504 [SPEAKER_02]: Well, I think that we all fill that. 11:55.884 --> 12:01.265 [SPEAKER_02]: I can even remember a situation recently with my 23-year-old where I love it to step in. 12:01.285 --> 12:02.186 [SPEAKER_00]: And I'm like, you know what? 12:02.206 --> 12:02.746 [SPEAKER_00]: He's a man. 12:02.826 --> 12:03.746 [SPEAKER_02]: He can handle this. 12:03.806 --> 12:05.986 [SPEAKER_02]: He does not need his mom coming to save the day. 12:06.146 --> 12:10.487 [SPEAKER_02]: But I think it's just remembering, first of all, I know if I step in. 12:10.567 --> 12:12.648 [SPEAKER_02]: I'm probably not going to do it from a good place. 12:12.948 --> 12:22.293 [SPEAKER_02]: because it's usually I'm heated, I'm mad about it, I want to give a piece of my mind, and none of that, it's helpful or from the Lord, you know. 12:22.433 --> 12:35.180 [SPEAKER_02]: So I think it's like giving ourselves a minute to like step back and see the situation, and I think that we can, when we can do that, then we can guide our kids a little better in how they should handle it. 12:35.340 --> 12:40.302 [SPEAKER_02]: Because I think, yeah, if we're going to take over, it's probably not going to be pretty, you know, because we're going 12:41.703 --> 12:42.644 [SPEAKER_02]: Yeah, of course. 12:42.904 --> 12:43.084 [SPEAKER_01]: Yeah. 12:43.204 --> 12:43.765 [SPEAKER_01]: That's really good. 12:43.885 --> 12:44.425 [SPEAKER_01]: Okay, my friend. 12:44.525 --> 12:52.050 [SPEAKER_01]: What gospel truths do you find yourself returning to in these situations both for your child and your own heart when you're in these seasons of wanting to step in? 12:52.791 --> 13:00.677 [SPEAKER_02]: I think personally, I'm not the type of person who, like, if someone hurts my feelings, I'll just be like, well, I'll just let it go, whatever. 13:00.697 --> 13:01.237 [SPEAKER_02]: It's okay. 13:01.577 --> 13:06.761 [SPEAKER_02]: you know, I don't I don't step in the conflict very easily very much. 13:06.981 --> 13:12.105 [SPEAKER_02]: And so I think I've learned from my husband and my kids doing it that like that's okay to do. 13:12.606 --> 13:19.451 [SPEAKER_02]: That's healthy to do a lot of times, you know, it's needed sometimes it can make relationships stronger when you do that sometimes. 13:19.772 --> 13:21.273 [SPEAKER_02]: And so I think it's just. 13:21.733 --> 13:28.834 [SPEAKER_02]: Also, the, in Romans 12 where it says to try to live peaceably with all men at all times, if possible, you know, and I think that's part of it. 13:28.874 --> 13:33.575 [SPEAKER_02]: I think it's easy for us to say we're a peacemaker if we just don't bring things up. 13:33.935 --> 13:41.177 [SPEAKER_02]: But sometimes you've got to, you've got to get in there into the weeds to really be able to grow in relationships and personally. 13:41.297 --> 13:43.097 [SPEAKER_01]: So yeah, that's super good. 13:43.297 --> 13:44.077 [SPEAKER_01]: You're so wise. 13:44.417 --> 13:47.538 [SPEAKER_01]: Thanks for sharing your wisdom and your beauty with our listeners here at 13:52.555 --> 13:53.176 [SPEAKER_01]: And we're back. 13:53.236 --> 13:55.557 [SPEAKER_01]: Thank you Vanessa for sharing your wisdom with us. 13:55.957 --> 13:58.800 [SPEAKER_01]: Okay, so let's go right into the scripture focus. 13:58.900 --> 14:01.421 [SPEAKER_01]: Vanessa brought it up when we were talking Matthew 18. 14:01.762 --> 14:10.648 [SPEAKER_01]: I think that when we think of conflict resolution, our minds automatically go to Matthew 18 because it's when Jesus directly told us how to handle conflict with other people. 14:10.928 --> 14:13.410 [SPEAKER_01]: So I'm just gonna read some of Matthew 18 to you. 14:13.830 --> 14:15.191 [SPEAKER_01]: Right now, here we go. 14:15.211 --> 14:17.753 [SPEAKER_01]: Okay, Matthew 18 starting at verse 15. 14:17.993 --> 14:19.374 [SPEAKER_01]: If your brother sends against you, 14:22.056 --> 14:30.799 [SPEAKER_01]: If you listen to you, you have won your brother, but if you won't listen, take one or two others with you so that by the testimony of two or three witnesses, every fact may be established. 14:31.159 --> 14:34.660 [SPEAKER_01]: If he doesn't pay attention to them, tell the church, it goes on and on, okay, you guys. 14:35.040 --> 14:47.123 [SPEAKER_01]: But when people say, I was trying to teach my kids Matthew 18, that's usually, those are usually the verses that they're referring to, because Jesus teaches us to first approach the situation just directly one-on-one. 14:47.163 --> 14:50.084 [SPEAKER_01]: He doesn't say, go tell your friends that this person was 14:50.244 --> 14:57.967 [SPEAKER_01]: For me to you, he doesn't say build alliances or gossip or events to everyone or cancel somebody, he says to go directly when possible. 14:58.307 --> 15:12.373 [SPEAKER_01]: I think it's also important to notice that he says if that doesn't work, if you have not one year brother, if you don't see restoration to bring someone else, and as parents, sometimes that is our role to step in to a conflict that is too big for our child to handle on their own. 15:12.453 --> 15:17.796 [SPEAKER_01]: I think you have to seek wisdom, consider their age, ask the Holy Spirit to guide you 15:18.576 --> 15:20.437 [SPEAKER_01]: Maybe talk to the other parents involved. 15:20.638 --> 15:22.039 [SPEAKER_01]: It really depends on the situation. 15:22.139 --> 15:32.046 [SPEAKER_01]: So when possible, encourage your kids to have the conversation, to seek understanding with the other person, to pursue peace, and to ultimately move toward reconciliation, if you can. 15:32.406 --> 15:37.050 [SPEAKER_01]: And what that looks like for kids is, you know, teaching our kids how to have these conversations. 15:37.450 --> 16:04.611 [SPEAKER_01]: How to ask questions instead of assuming bad motives on somebody we need to teach them how to Apologize how to forgive and how to pursue peace and it's not because it's not just because conflict is uncomfortable And we want it's a key and we want it to go away, but it's because Jesus calls us to it And he doesn't call us to it in like a in like we don't want to teach our kids like Jesus us to do it So you better do it because that's what the rule book says like I want my kids to look at God's word as the gift that it is like this is how I get to know God 16:07.333 --> 16:24.007 [SPEAKER_01]: Handled conflict, okay, this brings me to our next scripture passage, which is Ephesians 4, 31 and 32, which says, let all bitterness, anger and wrath shouting in slander be removed from you, along with all malice and be kind and compassionate to one another for giving one another just as God also for gave you in Christ. 16:24.387 --> 16:32.395 [SPEAKER_01]: So here's the gospel connection and I think it's so important guys to live looking for these gospel connections and to teach our kids to live looking for gospel connections. 16:32.795 --> 16:42.385 [SPEAKER_01]: So when we are trying to forgive someone that wrong us, when we're trying to help our kids forgive someone that wronged them, Paul isn't in Ephesians, Paul isn't just saying forgive because it's the right thing to do. 16:42.845 --> 16:45.106 [SPEAKER_01]: He's saying forgive because you've been forgiven. 16:45.447 --> 17:03.617 [SPEAKER_01]: So the gospel, the good news that Jesus came to this world and he experienced rejection and relational conflict and pain, he was punished for our sin, he died the death we deserve, he rose from the dead, he did that for us, he forgave us for what we've done, because he forgave us such a great dead. 17:03.877 --> 17:06.739 [SPEAKER_01]: We are able to forgive those who sin against us. 17:06.979 --> 17:09.162 [SPEAKER_01]: So the gospel changes how we handle conflict. 17:09.503 --> 17:11.165 [SPEAKER_01]: We're not trying to win an argument. 17:11.446 --> 17:12.587 [SPEAKER_01]: We're not trying to keep score. 17:12.948 --> 17:14.210 [SPEAKER_01]: We're not trying to seek revenge. 17:14.250 --> 17:15.431 [SPEAKER_01]: We're not carrying bitterness. 17:15.772 --> 17:18.676 [SPEAKER_02]: We can give grace to other people because we have received grace. 17:18.836 --> 17:20.619 [SPEAKER_02]: And, man, it's such a heart check for me. 17:20.659 --> 17:21.961 [SPEAKER_02]: Like, if I have a chance to do this, 17:21.961 --> 17:29.629 [SPEAKER_01]: have conflict or I'm fearing conflict with someone and I find myself like folding laundry or boiling water and defending myself to this person in my brain. 17:30.030 --> 17:38.859 [SPEAKER_01]: You know, God says that he is our defender and so when I'm trying to defend myself, I know my heart is not in a posture of grace and I know that I'm not putting that relationship. 17:38.899 --> 17:41.402 [SPEAKER_01]: I'm not trying to have a gospel lens on that relationship. 17:41.422 --> 17:43.965 [SPEAKER_01]: I'm trying to make myself feel better and look better. 17:44.525 --> 17:45.246 [SPEAKER_01]: And I don't want that. 17:45.326 --> 17:49.151 [SPEAKER_01]: I mean, that's a miserable place to be boiling water and having these imaginary conversations. 17:49.251 --> 17:51.414 [SPEAKER_01]: But it's also not what I want to teach my kids. 17:51.774 --> 17:57.902 [SPEAKER_01]: I want to teach my kids that we have been given so much grace, so much that we can overflow with grace for other people. 17:58.223 --> 18:02.448 [SPEAKER_01]: So a hard reality in this is not every friendship is going to be restored. 18:02.848 --> 18:04.730 [SPEAKER_01]: Not every apologies going to be accepted. 18:04.770 --> 18:14.079 [SPEAKER_01]: There's not going to be a bow on every eggy relationship thing and not every relationship is going to survive because reconciliation requires both people to be on board, right? 18:14.499 --> 18:17.542 [SPEAKER_01]: But so it's important to tell your children, okay. 18:18.102 --> 18:18.683 [SPEAKER_01]: What can we do? 18:18.863 --> 18:22.386 [SPEAKER_01]: We can obey what God's word says, but we cannot control the outcome. 18:22.706 --> 18:28.670 [SPEAKER_01]: As we hold the gospel up to this, it's so comforting to remember that Jesus understands friendship wounds too. 18:28.811 --> 18:31.052 [SPEAKER_01]: Okay, Jesus was denied by Peter. 18:31.453 --> 18:33.054 [SPEAKER_01]: He was abandoned by his disciples. 18:33.094 --> 18:37.097 [SPEAKER_01]: Be betrayed by Judas rejected by those he came to save, right? 18:37.477 --> 18:42.822 [SPEAKER_01]: And so when our kids are hurting relationally, they are not just carrying that pain on their own. 18:42.862 --> 18:46.205 [SPEAKER_01]: They can bring that pain to a Savior who truly understands. 18:46.645 --> 18:50.128 [SPEAKER_01]: That's one of my favorite things about being a follower of Jesus. 18:50.228 --> 18:58.255 [SPEAKER_01]: We're not just throwing empty requests and prayers up to a God who is lofty and unable to empathize with us. 18:58.375 --> 18:59.016 [SPEAKER_01]: We are talking 18:59.396 --> 19:22.790 [SPEAKER_01]: to a living and active God who hears us, who intercedes for us, who actually does things in people's hearts, like when you pray for people who hurt you, when you pray blessing over them, I have so many testimonies of this that I don't have time to share with you today, but times that I've had hurt with somebody or been upset with somebody, and then I just commit to praying for them and God changes my heart toward them. 19:23.310 --> 19:26.311 [SPEAKER_01]: pours his love for them into me and then I love them. 19:26.731 --> 19:43.456 [SPEAKER_01]: So I think it's a really beautiful thing to teach our kids that Jesus understands and is really for them Here's just some practical encouragement how you can help your children through their friendship drama for stuff Listen before you lead so ask them what happened how are you feeling what do you think happened from their perspective? 19:43.556 --> 19:45.757 [SPEAKER_01]: I think that's a huge huge important question. 19:45.877 --> 19:47.017 [SPEAKER_01]: I've learned from my husband 19:47.437 --> 19:48.118 [SPEAKER_01]: So much about this. 19:48.178 --> 19:50.219 [SPEAKER_01]: I tell people he has grace goggles for other people. 19:50.499 --> 19:56.883 [SPEAKER_01]: He does not talk badly about other people when people have hurt him and I can see the situation and he is clearly not in the wrong. 19:57.223 --> 20:03.047 [SPEAKER_01]: He still tries to understand the conflict from the other person's perspective and I think that that is such a humble 20:03.447 --> 20:05.469 [SPEAKER_01]: posture to take toward conflict. 20:05.570 --> 20:08.893 [SPEAKER_01]: And of course, as parents, you just kind of want to like or like, that's my kid. 20:09.114 --> 20:10.696 [SPEAKER_01]: And I'm going to be on their side. 20:10.816 --> 20:12.958 [SPEAKER_01]: And of course, like we want to be on our kids sides. 20:13.018 --> 20:22.089 [SPEAKER_01]: But I think it's really valuable to teach them to question their own behavior and selves because we're all sinners and try to see the conflict from the other person's perspective. 20:22.249 --> 20:31.038 [SPEAKER_01]: I think it's really important to guide them to God's Word and the Gospel early, you know, scripture like Matthew 18 or the verses that we looked at in Ephesians. 20:31.399 --> 20:41.849 [SPEAKER_01]: Teach them to look at God's Word and to do what it says not out of a fear or compulsion, but because God's Word God loves us and He's given us His Word to guide us and help us. 20:42.210 --> 20:44.112 [SPEAKER_01]: And when we obey, we get to experience. 20:44.432 --> 20:47.373 [SPEAKER_01]: beautiful restoration and healing and comfort and peace. 20:47.713 --> 20:55.814 [SPEAKER_01]: And so yes, sometimes it's not going to go well, but it's really valuable to teach them when they're young that, you know, this is what Jesus says to do. 20:55.934 --> 21:02.556 [SPEAKER_01]: And when we walk in it, even if there's not a pretty bow to tie on that conflict at the end, we will know that we walk to no obedience. 21:02.576 --> 21:04.076 [SPEAKER_01]: And there's comfort and even just that. 21:04.276 --> 21:05.976 [SPEAKER_01]: Another thing you can do is pray with them. 21:06.316 --> 21:09.097 [SPEAKER_01]: Teach them to pray for people who have hurt them. 21:09.297 --> 21:15.806 [SPEAKER_01]: Teach them to pray for wisdom, for courage, for humility, for forgiveness, and for specific blessing in the other person's life. 21:16.027 --> 21:20.112 [SPEAKER_01]: You know, I think that it's tempting or maybe tempting stuff the word. 21:20.193 --> 21:24.579 [SPEAKER_01]: It's natural for us to just pray like, God make this person different. 21:24.919 --> 21:25.120 [SPEAKER_01]: There. 21:25.941 --> 21:27.123 [SPEAKER_01]: me mad or they're hurting me. 21:27.463 --> 21:32.891 [SPEAKER_01]: But you know, I've been guided by the Holy Spirit by scripture by other people when I was really young. 21:32.911 --> 21:40.202 [SPEAKER_01]: I remember a youth pastor telling me, like, oh, you're having these these feelings towards this person will pray for the like pray blessing over them and see what God does. 21:40.222 --> 21:40.282 [SPEAKER_01]: And 21:40.402 --> 21:56.233 [SPEAKER_01]: I can't remember which book I wrote where I shared this story, but I worked for a church and there was homeless man that one of the staff members was allowing to sleep on the couch in the church office and I was so young and I was scared of him and it made me uncomfortable and I did not have good feelings toward this homeless man. 21:56.273 --> 22:02.657 [SPEAKER_01]: He wasn't very nice either like he was kind of a gruff homeless man and I was just super uncomfortable and I'm like, why is he here? 22:02.897 --> 22:07.440 [SPEAKER_01]: I don't wanna be in this office right now and I was talking to the pastor about it 22:10.242 --> 22:11.603 [SPEAKER_01]: So I reluctantly did. 22:11.723 --> 22:12.743 [SPEAKER_01]: I was praying for him every day. 22:12.803 --> 22:19.866 [SPEAKER_01]: I was still having a key feeling stored him and then I ended up getting in a minor car accident, which even a minor car accident for anyone is awful. 22:19.946 --> 22:24.167 [SPEAKER_01]: But, you know, when you're I was a 19 or 20 years old a new driver. 22:24.347 --> 22:25.208 [SPEAKER_01]: It was terrifying. 22:25.388 --> 22:27.469 [SPEAKER_01]: Oh, no, my parents bought me this car. 22:27.529 --> 22:28.169 [SPEAKER_01]: What do they, you know, 22:28.769 --> 22:33.013 [SPEAKER_01]: It was just a very traumatic experience at the time because it was raining. 22:33.133 --> 22:36.977 [SPEAKER_01]: I was alone and I had your plane and it wasn't even my fault. 22:36.997 --> 22:40.740 [SPEAKER_01]: The car in front of me slammed on their brakes on a hill and so I couldn't see. 22:40.820 --> 22:43.262 [SPEAKER_01]: I really truly did nothing wrong and I got into this accident. 22:43.282 --> 22:51.970 [SPEAKER_01]: So I'm kind of freaking out and crying in the rain and I have my flip phone open and I can't get a hold of anybody and then this homeless man who had been sleeping in the church office. 22:52.330 --> 23:06.542 [SPEAKER_01]: pulls up in this borrowed pickup truck and sees me and says, Scarlet, my goodness, and then he just hugged me and it was like the Holy Spirit filled me with love and gratitude for this man that I had been so unloving toward in my heart. 23:06.762 --> 23:13.027 [SPEAKER_01]: And I felt so undeserving of this man's kindness because I had had such a key feelings in my own heart toward him. 23:13.267 --> 23:16.430 [SPEAKER_01]: And I, I look back at that moment in my life and think, man, 23:16.890 --> 23:27.063 [SPEAKER_01]: That happened because I was praying for him and God was pouring his love and compassion for that man into my heart when my heart my own flesh did not have it. 23:27.424 --> 23:33.632 [SPEAKER_01]: And God used that a key moment in my own life, me feeling vulnerable and scared after a car accident. 23:33.992 --> 23:39.875 [SPEAKER_01]: and this man's act of kindness toward me that I didn't deserve to just move my heart toward love for him. 23:39.955 --> 23:45.377 [SPEAKER_01]: And of course, that just like opened up the love floodgates for me, because I'm like, oh my goodness, God answers prayer. 23:45.718 --> 23:48.859 [SPEAKER_01]: And so like, there wasn't a specific conflict I had with that man. 23:48.879 --> 23:49.820 [SPEAKER_01]: It was more internal. 23:50.160 --> 23:51.240 [SPEAKER_01]: But we can teach our kids. 23:51.580 --> 23:54.462 [SPEAKER_01]: We can give them our own stories, our own testimonies like that. 23:54.522 --> 23:59.324 [SPEAKER_01]: I think they learn more by watching us live out our faith than by what we tell them. 23:59.704 --> 24:02.385 [SPEAKER_01]: But they also learned by the stories in the Bible and by our 24:03.766 --> 24:09.512 [SPEAKER_01]: Let's share our own stories with them and teach them to pray for the people that they don't have good feelings toward. 24:09.833 --> 24:15.659 [SPEAKER_01]: Also, let's encourage them to find their identity in Jesus over seeking popularity. 24:15.999 --> 24:16.740 [SPEAKER_01]: So hard, you guys. 24:16.800 --> 24:17.301 [SPEAKER_01]: It's so hard. 24:17.641 --> 24:18.462 [SPEAKER_01]: All of our kids want. 24:18.762 --> 24:19.423 [SPEAKER_01]: the invitations. 24:19.443 --> 24:21.104 [SPEAKER_01]: They want to be popular on the group text. 24:21.144 --> 24:21.785 [SPEAKER_01]: They want all that. 24:22.145 --> 24:27.030 [SPEAKER_01]: But we need to teach them to learn who they are through who God says that they are. 24:27.350 --> 24:28.311 [SPEAKER_01]: And that will ground them. 24:28.331 --> 24:29.172 [SPEAKER_01]: And that will help them. 24:29.332 --> 24:30.473 [SPEAKER_01]: I think that will serve them well. 24:30.713 --> 24:32.916 [SPEAKER_01]: Like my friend Vanessa sharing from her own family. 24:33.016 --> 24:35.318 [SPEAKER_01]: Like her daughter just did that on her own. 24:35.398 --> 24:39.502 [SPEAKER_01]: And it's because she lived in a home where she saw that modeled and where her parents were encouraging her to do that. 24:39.862 --> 24:42.604 [SPEAKER_01]: One day, Jesus is going to fully restore every broken thing. 24:42.744 --> 24:55.171 [SPEAKER_01]: So our children are going to experience rejection, conflict, being excluded, being hurt, and so are we, but because of Jesus, we are fully known, fully loved, fully accepted, and we are never alone, we're never abandoned. 24:55.511 --> 24:58.853 [SPEAKER_01]: So, you know, maybe our goal shouldn't be raising kids who never get hurt. 24:58.933 --> 25:01.895 [SPEAKER_01]: Maybe our goal shouldn't be protecting them from every conflict. 25:02.235 --> 25:04.777 [SPEAKER_01]: Maybe our one faithful step this week should be. 25:05.037 --> 25:22.609 [SPEAKER_01]: maybe letting them in on our own, walk with Jesus, letting them see how we are pursuing peace with other people, or, you know, when maybe asking them questions about their friendships and encouraging them to pursue understanding and peace and to walk in humility with other people and obedience to God's Word. 25:22.909 --> 25:23.130 [SPEAKER_01]: And yeah. 25:23.950 --> 25:24.691 [SPEAKER_01]: That's it, you guys. 25:24.991 --> 25:25.752 [SPEAKER_01]: That's the episode. 25:26.032 --> 25:26.994 [SPEAKER_01]: I hope and encouraged you. 25:27.174 --> 25:27.855 [SPEAKER_01]: You guys are awesome. 25:28.115 --> 25:31.439 [SPEAKER_01]: Thanks to my friend Vanessa for being on and let me pray for you before we go. 25:31.779 --> 25:34.102 [SPEAKER_01]: Jesus, I thank you for my new friends here at Pardon the Mess. 25:34.442 --> 25:37.706 [SPEAKER_01]: I pray for them as they navigate the conflicts in their own lives. 25:37.986 --> 25:44.153 [SPEAKER_01]: I pray that you'll give them the courage and the strength to obey what you say in your word even when it's uncomfortable. 25:44.473 --> 25:53.819 [SPEAKER_01]: I pray that you would help us as your followers to be a people of love, to be people who extend grace, who walk in humility, and who get to see broken things restored. 25:54.039 --> 25:59.662 [SPEAKER_01]: And I pray that as we lead our children to do the same, that you'll help us to shepherd their hearts toward you, toward your love. 25:59.802 --> 26:09.548 [SPEAKER_01]: I pray that they will grow to love your word, and I pray that you will give our kids their own experiences in, as they pursue you, and as they seek to obey you, I pray that 26:09.928 --> 26:14.770 [SPEAKER_01]: the Bible would become just a spring of life to them, not just a rule book. 26:15.170 --> 26:18.652 [SPEAKER_01]: I pray that they would see and understand you for who you are. 26:19.332 --> 26:22.593 [SPEAKER_01]: And I pray that you would use us to point them to you this week. 26:23.014 --> 26:24.194 [SPEAKER_01]: We love you and your name, Amen. 26:24.614 --> 26:26.155 [SPEAKER_01]: Okay, you guys, great to see you. 26:26.515 --> 26:28.236 [SPEAKER_01]: If you enjoyed this episode, please share it with your friends. 26:28.296 --> 26:30.677 [SPEAKER_01]: Okay, yeah, like I said, I've got my two thins. 26:30.697 --> 26:33.238 [SPEAKER_01]: So if you want to watch on YouTube, feel free to share the YouTube. 26:33.638 --> 26:36.059 [SPEAKER_01]: And I'll try to remember to wear my two next week too. 26:36.399 --> 26:37.280 [SPEAKER_01]: Okay, love you guys. 26:37.300 --> 26:37.980 [SPEAKER_01]: See you next week.