WEBVTT 00:02.113 --> 00:07.456 [SPEAKER_00]: Welcome to Sexology, a podcast that untangles the science of sex and pleasure. 00:07.976 --> 00:15.140 [SPEAKER_00]: And now, with this week's episode, your host, Clinical Psychologist, Dr. Naseneen Moali. 00:17.030 --> 00:28.374 [SPEAKER_02]: Welcome back to another episode of The Sexology podcast of your host, Dr. Nazanine Mooli, and today we're diving into a topic that's been taking over social media lately. 00:28.994 --> 00:29.954 [SPEAKER_02]: The soft dog. 00:30.274 --> 00:31.815 [SPEAKER_02]: What does that actually mean? 00:32.075 --> 00:37.157 [SPEAKER_02]: Is it really about dominance or are women asking for something much deeper? 00:37.877 --> 00:48.200 [SPEAKER_02]: When people say they want a partner who takes charge, are they looking for control or confidence, emotional presence, and someone who's willing to lead with intention. 00:48.860 --> 01:06.345 [SPEAKER_02]: In today's episode for unpacking why this conversation is resonating with so many people, how emotional dominance differs from toxic masculinity, and why modern dating may have left many people afraid to express desire or make the first move. 01:07.065 --> 01:20.114 [SPEAKER_02]: I'm joined by Amanda Dames, also known as the King Consultant, a sexologist, somatic of certified and relationship coach, podcast host, and former professional dominatrix. 01:20.775 --> 01:32.243 [SPEAKER_02]: Amanda has helped countless individuals and couples explore desire, communication, and intimacy in a ways that are rooted in consent, confidence, and connection. 01:32.863 --> 01:45.510 [SPEAKER_02]: And before we dive in, if you're looking to access more your dominant side, more in the bedroom and you need practical strategies and tools, we have a very affordable guide that you can download right now. 01:45.530 --> 01:47.131 [SPEAKER_02]: The link is in the show notes. 01:47.171 --> 01:49.793 [SPEAKER_02]: The cost is the cost of a coffee. 01:50.113 --> 01:52.274 [SPEAKER_02]: I hope that it can be a resource for you. 01:52.694 --> 01:53.995 [SPEAKER_02]: All right, let's dive in. 01:58.331 --> 02:03.014 [SPEAKER_02]: Hello, and welcome back to another episode of This Exhaust, she podcast. 02:03.154 --> 02:07.157 [SPEAKER_02]: I am so excited to welcome Amanda Dame Sorsha. 02:07.177 --> 02:08.278 [SPEAKER_02]: Amanda, welcome to a show. 02:08.438 --> 02:09.879 [SPEAKER_01]: Thank you so much for having me. 02:09.899 --> 02:11.920 [SPEAKER_01]: I was really excited to be on this podcast. 02:11.940 --> 02:15.442 [SPEAKER_01]: It's always an honor to be on a podcast that I listened to as well. 02:15.723 --> 02:22.087 [SPEAKER_02]: And with my pleasure, thank you so much for doing all the wonderful work that you're doing and educating people. 02:23.002 --> 02:23.824 [SPEAKER_01]: Yeah, well, thank you. 02:23.884 --> 02:24.987 [SPEAKER_01]: I mean, it's my passion. 02:25.007 --> 02:26.631 [SPEAKER_01]: It's sort of, I can sure you understand. 02:26.671 --> 02:27.673 [SPEAKER_01]: I have to do it. 02:27.713 --> 02:29.578 [SPEAKER_01]: It's inside me and it has to come out. 02:30.082 --> 02:47.326 [SPEAKER_02]: It's whatever we do sex education, sexual health conversation is one of those really difficult things to do because we get so much pushback from society, from, you know, like we get censorship all the time from social media, but also it can be really rewarding. 02:47.386 --> 02:51.207 [SPEAKER_02]: So I'm grateful when I have these conversations with other colleagues. 02:51.747 --> 02:53.708 [SPEAKER_02]: So today we're going to talk about soft DOM. 02:54.988 --> 02:58.629 [SPEAKER_02]: for our listeners that they're not familiar with soft-stop. 02:58.729 --> 03:01.190 [SPEAKER_02]: Can you tell me a little bit about what does that entail? 03:01.590 --> 03:10.413 [SPEAKER_01]: Sure, so I think when we think about the word DOM in a DOM subrelationship, we think the DOM is this harsh, we're usually imagining a man, right? 03:10.453 --> 03:15.695 [SPEAKER_01]: But some people imagine a woman but this harsh person who carries a whip and dresses in all black and 03:16.355 --> 03:20.016 [SPEAKER_01]: it here's to like ensures that strict rules are adhered to, right? 03:20.476 --> 03:22.857 [SPEAKER_01]: Then the soft DOM is almost how it sounds. 03:22.937 --> 03:24.557 [SPEAKER_01]: It's a softer version of that. 03:24.617 --> 03:27.118 [SPEAKER_01]: Their approach is more caring. 03:27.718 --> 03:34.840 [SPEAKER_01]: They are looking out for the best interest of their sub, and I would say it's a very selfless version of Domination where 03:35.400 --> 03:46.295 [SPEAKER_01]: You see a sub and you want the best for them and you figure out how to bring out the best in them by paying very close attention to them Understanding their strengths and weaknesses and where they need some help. 03:46.856 --> 03:51.903 [SPEAKER_01]: So a soft-dom is still a dominant person energetically within a dynamic 03:52.423 --> 04:09.172 [SPEAKER_01]: But their approach is much more from a side of encouragement and building someone up and being their almost cheerleader versus that dominant who, you know, the stereotype-dom who's like, get on your knees, bow down to me, kiss my boot, do exactly what I say. 04:09.792 --> 04:10.052 [SPEAKER_01]: Yeah. 04:10.918 --> 04:26.487 [SPEAKER_02]: What's interesting, Amanda, and I'm sure you've noticed this similar pattern, and that last, I would say, like decades or so, in more of cisgender, heterosexual women, I see this idea resonating with so many women, right? 04:26.567 --> 04:31.670 [SPEAKER_02]: We see it like a media, people wouldn't have come and my office, they'd talk more about these fantasies. 04:32.130 --> 04:37.373 [SPEAKER_02]: Why do you think this is something that's been more attractive for so many women? 04:38.608 --> 04:43.454 [SPEAKER_01]: I think that one of the biggest fantasies is please take care of me. 04:43.514 --> 04:45.116 [SPEAKER_01]: Make sure I'm going to be okay. 04:45.316 --> 04:50.082 [SPEAKER_01]: And women now no longer need men in a way of pay my bills. 04:50.322 --> 04:53.245 [SPEAKER_01]: You know, you have a good job so I can have a good life. 04:53.686 --> 04:55.107 [SPEAKER_01]: We're getting the jobs we want. 04:55.128 --> 04:56.569 [SPEAKER_01]: We're traveling on our own. 04:56.589 --> 04:57.711 [SPEAKER_01]: We're doing all of these things. 04:58.351 --> 05:02.494 [SPEAKER_01]: It kind of poses a question of like, well, what are men's jobs now? 05:02.834 --> 05:11.140 [SPEAKER_01]: And I think that caretaker role, that firm, stern, caring version of a man, is idealized. 05:11.641 --> 05:19.306 [SPEAKER_01]: But I'm also seeing it in the rise of male subs coming forward and saying they want to dominate women to fulfill the same role for them. 05:19.346 --> 05:22.108 [SPEAKER_01]: That sort of soft, dumb caretaking role. 05:22.148 --> 05:22.548 [SPEAKER_01]: And I think 05:23.749 --> 05:25.191 [SPEAKER_01]: The truth is life is hard. 05:25.452 --> 05:33.743 [SPEAKER_01]: It's the older you get, the harder it is, and I think the more people that realize that this is an option and this relationship dynamic exists, the more people are going to seek it out. 05:34.725 --> 05:40.546 [SPEAKER_02]: And what's interesting is so many men sometimes they get it wrong. 05:40.626 --> 05:50.748 [SPEAKER_02]: So as you mentioned, that I feel see people, many women, and I see a lot of high achieving women in my office and they have this year in the end of, like they say, I want my partner to be a pillar. 05:50.988 --> 05:58.810 [SPEAKER_02]: Someone that I can get comfortable or can show my softness to which they talk about this idea of their soft stuff. 05:59.230 --> 06:12.405 [SPEAKER_02]: But sometimes when some cisgender heterosexual men think about, like, here about this concept, it might get confused with this what we call the toxic masculinity, or I know some men is their fear. 06:12.445 --> 06:14.227 [SPEAKER_02]: So can you tell us more about the difference? 06:14.992 --> 06:15.773 [SPEAKER_01]: Yes, okay. 06:15.813 --> 06:31.122 [SPEAKER_01]: So this is something that I'm hyper-focused on at the moment is this masculinity and the way that we've taken the word and I think the Manisfree specifically has taken masculinity in a direction that we just sense and see is toxic. 06:31.522 --> 06:41.289 [SPEAKER_01]: They are sticking to old ideas of what men and women should be and they are holding so firmly onto it that I think the word masculinity now is just 06:42.009 --> 06:51.134 [SPEAKER_01]: it's been co-opted by this group of men who don't want to have any accountability for their own actions and just want things to be quote unquote the way they were, right? 06:51.774 --> 07:02.360 [SPEAKER_01]: So I think that masculinity as a whole though is quite untoxic and the idea is it's a safe space, being masculine, really is about creating safety. 07:02.700 --> 07:09.723 [SPEAKER_01]: not about putting women down, putting women in a box, it's about being a protector, true, but what do women need protection from now? 07:09.783 --> 07:13.344 [SPEAKER_01]: Like, we have, we're not living in the woods with bears anymore. 07:13.584 --> 07:14.825 [SPEAKER_01]: We have locks on our doors. 07:15.085 --> 07:17.345 [SPEAKER_01]: There's ways to, you know, keep ourselves safe. 07:17.826 --> 07:20.727 [SPEAKER_01]: So it's like, how is demand protecting a woman now? 07:20.787 --> 07:22.067 [SPEAKER_01]: How are they being masculine? 07:22.788 --> 07:24.448 [SPEAKER_01]: I think they're noticing her. 07:24.508 --> 07:25.649 [SPEAKER_01]: They are paying attention. 07:25.669 --> 07:26.769 [SPEAKER_01]: They are being that pillar. 07:26.789 --> 07:28.250 [SPEAKER_01]: They are creating a safety 07:29.710 --> 07:32.491 [SPEAKER_01]: in the relationship that says, I am your safe space. 07:32.751 --> 07:38.432 [SPEAKER_01]: I am like your cave, come here, and I will be here to emotionally protect you. 07:38.592 --> 07:40.593 [SPEAKER_01]: I will be like you said, your pillar. 07:41.213 --> 07:47.434 [SPEAKER_01]: And I think that's what the masculinity is in that site of soft on that you're telling me about the strong women who are looking for that. 07:48.034 --> 07:49.375 [SPEAKER_01]: I believe that's what they're looking for. 07:49.515 --> 07:56.816 [SPEAKER_01]: And now even as a society, we are so turned off by the word masculine because of how that word has been taken and turned into something 07:59.938 --> 08:04.924 [SPEAKER_01]: It's just what people have turned it into themselves by talking about what masculinity should be. 08:04.964 --> 08:13.614 [SPEAKER_01]: And then spouting off this archaic idea of what a man is and should be for our audience that they don't know about minus fear. 08:13.634 --> 08:14.936 [SPEAKER_02]: Can you still tell more about that? 08:15.426 --> 08:31.827 [SPEAKER_01]: Yeah, so I think it started mostly with like the type of it was the Andrew Tate type and you know he was banned on many social media platforms for talking about how men need to be strong and get good jobs and make lots of money and then women will respect them and that men shouldn't be soft to women because women want. 08:32.287 --> 08:38.731 [SPEAKER_01]: an asshole basically and they want someone who puts them in their place and I'm not even exaggerating when I give these examples. 08:39.372 --> 08:49.619 [SPEAKER_01]: So that started a whole sphere called, well, it was this whole run called the retaking the red pill or it was the red pill which was taken from the matrix. 08:49.959 --> 08:55.463 [SPEAKER_01]: This idea that like you're waking up to the real world and this is how men and women really should act. 08:56.283 --> 09:05.967 [SPEAKER_01]: And that sort of had a surge, I'd say maybe 10 years ago, maybe a little bit more, and then we had in cells, which were involuntarily celibate people. 09:06.087 --> 09:08.468 [SPEAKER_01]: And they were kind of viewed as these gross disgusting people. 09:08.888 --> 09:17.732 [SPEAKER_01]: And then somehow within post pandemic, I would say every person getting a microphone and starting a podcast allowed their voices to carry further. 09:18.632 --> 09:20.014 [SPEAKER_01]: and it went beyond insult. 09:20.695 --> 09:31.649 [SPEAKER_01]: Men sort of, and I will say I think it's men who lack and don't want any accountability for their own actions or how they act in the world started to go out and save this as part of the minister. 09:31.669 --> 09:35.294 [SPEAKER_01]: This is how men are supposed to be and it was a very interesting thing where they wanted 09:36.095 --> 09:38.538 [SPEAKER_01]: They highly encouraged everyone to invest in crypto. 09:38.698 --> 09:39.759 [SPEAKER_01]: That was just like an aside. 09:39.779 --> 09:41.341 [SPEAKER_01]: That was nothing to do with masculinity. 09:41.361 --> 09:43.604 [SPEAKER_01]: But it was very much you should be working out in the gym. 09:43.624 --> 09:45.005 [SPEAKER_01]: You should be strong and fit. 09:45.065 --> 09:47.148 [SPEAKER_01]: So you can be strong for your woman. 09:47.168 --> 09:50.591 [SPEAKER_01]: You need to be an example and you need to make enough money. 09:51.252 --> 10:12.247 [SPEAKER_01]: and the idea was you would be all of these things and then you would attract a quote unquote high value woman and a high value woman is someone who has a low body count which by the way makes me sick to say because it's such a disgusting idea that any of us should be judged by how many people we've had sex with in a good or bad way but the idea is a high value woman low body count. 10:12.967 --> 10:16.888 [SPEAKER_01]: conservative, highly attuned to her feminine side. 10:17.008 --> 10:27.871 [SPEAKER_01]: And the more feminine she is, the more valuable she is, because any type of woman who thinks or acts like a man would be considered low value, and someone who doesn't understand their role in society. 10:27.931 --> 10:39.094 [SPEAKER_01]: So the manosphere, all of those things I just talked about is a group of men who believe everything that I've just said, and they believe it to be true, and they think that if they can just be one type of a way, attract the right 10:42.555 --> 11:03.132 [SPEAKER_01]: with the lack of accountability, they believe that if they're doing all these things and still not attracting a woman, it must be the woman's fault for not understanding the value they bring as opposed to being their own fault for a really non-understanding relationship, empathy, attenement, and just I think women and men and society in general. 11:03.673 --> 11:04.914 [SPEAKER_01]: I hope that was like a helpful 11:06.094 --> 11:29.880 [SPEAKER_02]: I loved all of that when you were saying that I had like almost as visceral reaction of like how, how like these ideas like put people in in 20, 30 I would say even a hundred years behind and what I see in my practice is I see many of some men who started following these concepts right coming in and now in the relationship 11:35.801 --> 11:39.582 [SPEAKER_02]: The way that they're navigating the world is not helping them, right? 11:39.602 --> 11:41.803 [SPEAKER_02]: Like they're coming from a place of vulnerability. 11:42.503 --> 11:46.004 [SPEAKER_02]: And then like you find this very black and white, this box. 11:46.105 --> 11:51.586 [SPEAKER_02]: That if you follow this, then you'll be able to get as you said, high code and go to high value women. 11:52.006 --> 11:59.869 [SPEAKER_02]: And sometimes that kind of behavior creates significant rupture in the relationship and end up leading people to have 12:00.509 --> 12:06.531 [SPEAKER_02]: less sexual experiences with the people that they want and kind of feeding to that anger. 12:06.551 --> 12:07.851 [SPEAKER_02]: It's almost feels like a cult. 12:08.852 --> 12:10.992 [SPEAKER_01]: Yeah, I think it is a cult. 12:11.052 --> 12:14.953 [SPEAKER_01]: The only difference is the modern day cult is on social media. 12:15.013 --> 12:15.834 [SPEAKER_01]: It's on YouTube. 12:15.914 --> 12:19.835 [SPEAKER_01]: It's not the old cults we know where you had to buy in and pay money, however. 12:20.575 --> 12:22.516 [SPEAKER_01]: people are buying and they are paying money. 12:22.556 --> 12:25.158 [SPEAKER_01]: They're buying these courses that men are selling. 12:25.678 --> 12:31.682 [SPEAKER_01]: And you know, I sign up to some of the free ones just to see what's being put out there and it is terrifying. 12:33.824 --> 12:38.186 [SPEAKER_01]: Oh, I signed up under my real name like under my real Instagram account and everything. 12:38.246 --> 12:42.869 [SPEAKER_01]: It's like I'm I want people to know like it's not just lonely men picking up this stuff. 12:43.190 --> 12:48.473 [SPEAKER_01]: There are people who also have a voice who are going to read this and, you know, publicly speak out against it. 12:48.795 --> 12:58.938 [SPEAKER_02]: I think it's really important for people to kind of know the outcome, whether when you're showing up, but this kind of toxicity versus the soft dump. 12:58.978 --> 13:13.323 [SPEAKER_02]: So it's my experience for many, many people, especially heterosexual relationship, but they want in the bedroom, even if like in a kinky, it's the power exchange, it can be different and what you want in real life. 13:13.363 --> 13:15.444 [SPEAKER_02]: So sometimes men here, women, or want 13:15.824 --> 13:29.071 [SPEAKER_02]: someone to take charge or they are into this kind of kinkie fun things which I think about like more of a play and they think about oh maybe that's how I show you need to show up outside the metro which can come with that toxic cycle. 13:29.531 --> 13:36.095 [SPEAKER_02]: So when women say they want a man who takes charge, what do you think they're looking for emotionally? 13:36.815 --> 13:38.677 [SPEAKER_01]: Oh, emotionally, that's a really good question. 13:38.857 --> 13:42.481 [SPEAKER_01]: First of all, I'm going to say something a little snide, but I believe it. 13:42.862 --> 13:54.495 [SPEAKER_01]: These men who think, oh, they want me to show up and take charge, and they put on an act, I wouldn't mind if they learned to take out the garbage, and notice when the garbage was actually ready to be taken out and then replaced the garbage bag. 13:54.815 --> 13:56.237 [SPEAKER_01]: I use that example because my current 13:56.737 --> 13:59.818 [SPEAKER_01]: body count on having to teach that men that in session is six. 14:00.179 --> 14:08.222 [SPEAKER_01]: I've had six couples clients where I had to explain that of like that's sort of showing up, but I just needed to get that out there okay and how that I have. 14:08.923 --> 14:13.425 [SPEAKER_01]: I will say that what women are looking for in emotionally showing up is 14:14.245 --> 14:19.449 [SPEAKER_01]: And this is across the board actually I'm going to say this is a whole human's want and yearn to be seen. 14:20.029 --> 14:21.630 [SPEAKER_01]: They want to be understood. 14:22.311 --> 14:42.044 [SPEAKER_01]: And I think a man putting in the work to understand their partners, emotions, triggers, love language, that is how your expected to show up so that you can take control so that you can be trusted to know your partner well enough that when you get in the bedroom or when you get in a situation where even if it's a play that you 14:43.185 --> 14:56.417 [SPEAKER_01]: Hyper-aware of their needs and desires and you are fulfilling them, but it's also super important to be hyper-aware of your own needs, desires, strengths, so you are showing up as the best version of yourself for them too. 14:56.907 --> 15:13.012 [SPEAKER_02]: that is such a great point that your brand-up brought up a man-up because I feel sometimes also, people get into the other part of this kind of spectrum, they fall into other part of the spectrum, that they just, they don't take risks showing who they are, right? 15:13.052 --> 15:20.794 [SPEAKER_02]: They're showing, if you want to be accommodating, they're wonderful people, but in the bedroom, they're just like try to do what feels safe, right? 15:20.834 --> 15:26.216 [SPEAKER_02]: Not tuning into their own emotions, their needs, assertive energy that some women want, 15:26.816 --> 15:32.258 [SPEAKER_02]: And kind of then that can feel kind of like not energetically charged. 15:32.838 --> 15:38.980 [SPEAKER_02]: So when yes, one for soft doll, like sometimes they also look for that charge charge exchange as well. 15:39.180 --> 15:50.704 [SPEAKER_01]: Yeah, and I have to say that like you know the trust that I'm talking about in terms of like if you feel your partner's season knows you, you can trust, but that extends outside of the bedroom too. 15:50.844 --> 15:53.245 [SPEAKER_01]: It is that example of how you show up. 15:53.285 --> 15:53.505 [SPEAKER_01]: It is. 15:54.405 --> 16:02.347 [SPEAKER_01]: It's talked about widely, the mental load women carry, especially in relationship where there are kids, because there's a lot going on in big families like that. 16:03.148 --> 16:21.033 [SPEAKER_01]: If the partner can be trusted, outside of bedroom, nothing to do with Dom Sub, that translates to trust inside the bedroom, trust in opening up, speaking about desire, sharing fantasies, and trusting your partner's going to take you seriously enough to try to understand you and actually act out, or 16:21.493 --> 16:25.257 [SPEAKER_01]: You know, work on giving you the pleasure and desire you're asking for. 16:26.258 --> 16:26.478 [SPEAKER_02]: Right. 16:26.558 --> 16:36.287 [SPEAKER_02]: And that energy can happen as you mentioned, especially for long-term relationship when people are feeling at this place, like we're partner to partner, right? 16:36.347 --> 16:39.510 [SPEAKER_02]: Like you, my partner did show up for me outside of bedroom. 16:39.850 --> 16:42.092 [SPEAKER_02]: So now I can be more playful with them. 16:42.132 --> 16:45.896 [SPEAKER_02]: And as you mentioned, it's just that that's actually one of the biggest challenges people have. 16:46.276 --> 17:12.053 [SPEAKER_02]: My partner is not doing what they're supposed to do around the home or they say like they say they do this things But they don't prioritize it and often time I tell my clients at four play Is you taking care of things outside the bedroom for some some couples and what I hear from the other partner is like I need to Have sex in order to feel connected to do those things so often times people feel stuck 17:12.388 --> 17:17.811 [SPEAKER_01]: I hear it all the time, so often in my couple sessions, I will ask both of them. 17:18.131 --> 17:21.633 [SPEAKER_01]: What is for play to you so that they're hearing each other in session? 17:22.173 --> 17:36.140 [SPEAKER_01]: And understand that we can talk about prioritizing it then, because exactly like you said someone say, well, for play for me is when I have helped cleaning the house and then I can relax at the end of the night and then I feel like able to receive pleasure. 17:36.160 --> 17:40.402 [SPEAKER_01]: And just like you said, it's a really common thing, it's like, well, I need to receive 17:41.302 --> 18:03.849 [SPEAKER_01]: to feel in the mood to be part of this partnership and you just have to talk about priorities in that case and no two people's priorities are going to be exactly the same even if it's like high level the same like families my number one priority what that means in there can be very different too so you kind of have to negotiate on priorities to both have your needs met. 18:04.569 --> 18:12.811 [SPEAKER_01]: And I rarely find a relationship that hasn't had that negotiation talk about priorities, just to enjoy their bedroom life more. 18:13.428 --> 18:17.670 [SPEAKER_02]: Right, isn't it kind of accepting RCC like the micro priorities are different? 18:17.690 --> 18:20.611 [SPEAKER_02]: That's okay, and how we can navigate that. 18:20.671 --> 18:24.312 [SPEAKER_02]: I think kind of like showing up for the things that we're willing to do. 18:24.372 --> 18:32.875 [SPEAKER_02]: Because sometimes call a few couple get in this hook kind of like this kind of like a dynamic of you have to change and then I'm now willing to change. 18:32.915 --> 18:38.317 [SPEAKER_02]: So I think each person can do what they have control over, which they're own responsibilities. 18:39.117 --> 18:50.726 [SPEAKER_02]: One thing that can make this kind of like a power exchange experience is more juicy and exciting is that polarity, how do you help people to create that in a bedroom? 18:51.202 --> 18:55.344 [SPEAKER_01]: Well, I usually say that it starts outside the bedroom, right? 18:55.404 --> 18:56.625 [SPEAKER_01]: The polarity of it. 18:56.725 --> 19:01.107 [SPEAKER_01]: However, let's say that outside of the bedroom, they've gotten the foreplay right. 19:01.147 --> 19:03.168 [SPEAKER_01]: And we're just talking about inside the bedroom. 19:03.629 --> 19:10.653 [SPEAKER_01]: The thing I think I run into most is whoever is trying to be or wants to be the dominant partner or has been asked to be the dominant partner. 19:11.713 --> 19:21.776 [SPEAKER_01]: Oftentimes, they have difficulty stepping into the role of taking charge in a way that they feel responsible, but sexy, and also delivering what their partner wants. 19:22.296 --> 19:26.858 [SPEAKER_01]: Obviously, this assumes conversation has happened, but let's start at the beginning. 19:27.218 --> 19:33.180 [SPEAKER_01]: The first thing I'd say is, once you've had the conversation asking your partner to be dominant, it shouldn't stop there. 19:33.220 --> 19:36.140 [SPEAKER_01]: You don't leave your partner just to figure it out by themselves. 19:36.280 --> 19:37.281 [SPEAKER_01]: I highly recommend 19:38.141 --> 19:42.585 [SPEAKER_01]: temples have in-depth conversations about what dominance means to each of them. 19:43.106 --> 19:46.469 [SPEAKER_01]: But say you get to the point your partner says, I want you to be a soft-dom. 19:47.330 --> 19:53.235 [SPEAKER_01]: My recommendation is you start doing research yourself on what soft-domination is. 19:54.536 --> 19:58.280 [SPEAKER_01]: and not everything's going to feel aligned with you, right? 19:58.360 --> 20:01.843 [SPEAKER_01]: So my recommendation is, take the things that do feel like who you are. 20:02.163 --> 20:05.547 [SPEAKER_01]: I love to give an example of how do you normally compliment someone? 20:05.667 --> 20:07.709 [SPEAKER_01]: How do you normally give feedback, right? 20:08.209 --> 20:14.976 [SPEAKER_01]: And I talk to them about the different domination types and how they can cherry pick specific parts of it and fit it into that soft 20:19.360 --> 20:24.866 [SPEAKER_01]: give it constructive feedback and you're more the type of person who's going to say like, well, I noticed you tried this. 20:24.926 --> 20:26.147 [SPEAKER_01]: Here's how you could have done it better. 20:26.788 --> 20:32.334 [SPEAKER_01]: My recommendation is start to practice saying things a little bit nicer because that's your that's your difficulty. 20:32.374 --> 20:35.738 [SPEAKER_01]: And that's what your partner probably wants to hear a little bit more encouragement and love. 20:35.778 --> 20:38.040 [SPEAKER_01]: And they want that as you're talking about polarity. 20:38.661 --> 20:51.993 [SPEAKER_01]: Similarly, if you give a lot of compliments and your partner doesn't get to hear your constructive feedback often, you might want to work on that in a bedroom sense to offer that polarity of, it really presents you as a different person. 20:52.093 --> 21:02.342 [SPEAKER_01]: You're really trying to tap into the things that is going to give your partner an experience that is still you, but a slightly different, maybe, that more dominant version of you, 21:02.782 --> 21:21.680 [SPEAKER_01]: So if you do give a lot of compliments, you might actually want to have your partner do a little task for you and then you just kind of give them that critical feedback they might need it might be even getting a glass of water and you point out like oh there was a drop on the outside of this glass like that's not what I wanted from you, but I know you can do better and you're sort of 21:22.260 --> 21:26.803 [SPEAKER_01]: creating that environment that's slightly different from how the relationship is outside of the bedroom. 21:26.883 --> 21:33.828 [SPEAKER_01]: And I think that that can put your partner enough on their toes, that they are caught off guard a little bit, and they're getting this new experience with you. 21:34.429 --> 21:37.551 [SPEAKER_01]: And the reason I use such a simple version is because that's where it starts. 21:37.751 --> 21:39.832 [SPEAKER_01]: You build your confidence in moments like that. 21:40.153 --> 21:43.695 [SPEAKER_01]: You debrief after a scene and say, well, what did you think of this part in that part? 21:44.295 --> 21:46.657 [SPEAKER_01]: And then you lean in further to the parts they like. 21:46.717 --> 21:48.318 [SPEAKER_01]: So they might say, I hated that. 21:48.358 --> 21:49.119 [SPEAKER_01]: Like I felt shhh. 21:49.559 --> 21:57.786 [SPEAKER_01]: I felt terrible for the rest of the scene because I felt like I'd done something wrong and then you might be like, okay, how could I have said it better or what did you want? 21:57.886 --> 22:02.570 [SPEAKER_01]: And it's constant feedback between two partners and you need to not be afraid of it. 22:02.610 --> 22:12.119 [SPEAKER_01]: You need to be ready to hear it and grow from it so that you and your partner, what your goal is to have a better bedroom life where you're both finding pleasure in it. 22:12.739 --> 22:27.667 [SPEAKER_01]: So be true to yourself, yeah, find your version of domination that works with your partner and then try simple versions of it before you graduate to, I don't know, bringing in a blindfold or, you know, cuffs or something that your partner might or might not want. 22:29.018 --> 22:38.786 [SPEAKER_02]: I think it's like the confidence is such a big piece of what people are looking for and and you're not going to cultivate those skills unless you practice it. 22:38.846 --> 22:45.170 [SPEAKER_02]: So when you were talking about feedback, what's your idea about micro and macro communication? 22:45.350 --> 22:49.093 [SPEAKER_02]: Is it something that they do recommend that you do it during the scene? 22:49.494 --> 22:55.218 [SPEAKER_02]: Like a few days later, after the scene, what's the guideline that you offer people around that? 22:55.983 --> 23:00.707 [SPEAKER_01]: Okay, so my recommendation is I want people talking a lot before a scene happens. 23:01.307 --> 23:05.090 [SPEAKER_01]: I'm a firm believer over communication before a scene doesn't exist. 23:05.530 --> 23:06.651 [SPEAKER_01]: It does not ruin the mood. 23:06.671 --> 23:14.277 [SPEAKER_01]: It makes it better because your partner's going to be more confident about what's about to happen or what they're going to do because they know you've already talked about it together. 23:15.430 --> 23:22.792 [SPEAKER_01]: For me, my recommendation is if you can handle it, let the scene happen, do aftercare, which we can talk about what aftercare is. 23:22.852 --> 23:25.853 [SPEAKER_01]: And then after that, find a time for feedback. 23:26.074 --> 23:28.594 [SPEAKER_01]: My recommendation is after aftercare after everyone's good. 23:29.055 --> 23:32.636 [SPEAKER_01]: If you're ready to ask an answer to the question, ask, all right, what did you like? 23:32.956 --> 23:33.876 [SPEAKER_01]: What could have done better? 23:34.236 --> 23:35.016 [SPEAKER_01]: What could have been better? 23:35.116 --> 23:37.257 [SPEAKER_01]: And what do you wish would have been included, right? 23:37.737 --> 23:42.619 [SPEAKER_01]: So in that, you can say, oh, I loved when you asked me to get you a glass of water. 23:42.939 --> 23:55.403 [SPEAKER_01]: Okay, and I think what could have been better was maybe if you had done that earlier so that was out of the way and that we could just relax more together and what I never want again is for you to criticize the drop of water on the outside of the glass. 23:55.683 --> 23:57.364 [SPEAKER_01]: So you're sort of giving feedback like that. 23:57.464 --> 23:59.825 [SPEAKER_01]: However, if you are in the middle of a scene. 24:01.125 --> 24:10.853 [SPEAKER_01]: And something's not going right, please speak up if it's really bothering you, have a safe word, a safe word is a simple word or phrase that says this needs to stop now. 24:10.974 --> 24:16.798 [SPEAKER_01]: We need to move out of this scenario so that we can, so that I'm not uncomfortable right now. 24:17.279 --> 24:19.661 [SPEAKER_01]: You can have step up safe words like yellow red. 24:20.041 --> 24:38.438 [SPEAKER_01]: like a traffic light system where if you just are like hey slow down or I'm not feeling this you'd say yellow but if something's really wrong you say red and you stop it and if someone says yellow or red the immediate thing is you make sure they're okay you move into dialogue about what's going on and I think that would be a good example of maybe microfeedback within a scene 24:39.739 --> 24:41.761 [SPEAKER_01]: But you can work on this as a couple. 24:41.881 --> 24:51.830 [SPEAKER_01]: If whatever feels aligned to both of you, but my recommendation is usually like, if it's not a terrible situation and it's just sort of a preference thing, you can talk about that after and let them be in their moment. 24:52.130 --> 24:55.293 [SPEAKER_01]: But if it is something that is bothering you, please bring that up. 24:56.073 --> 24:57.655 [SPEAKER_01]: Give that my graffiti back during the scene. 24:58.655 --> 25:03.036 [SPEAKER_02]: And I think it's just important to kind of use your body, right? 25:03.096 --> 25:07.177 [SPEAKER_02]: As far as like, if you have a less overwhelming emotion, definitely talk about it. 25:07.217 --> 25:11.159 [SPEAKER_02]: But I find sometimes people when they're nervous, right? 25:11.199 --> 25:12.919 [SPEAKER_02]: They kind of like overcommunicate. 25:13.079 --> 25:20.541 [SPEAKER_02]: Or if they have unresolved frustration, they kind of like become very critical during this scene, which is not going to help anyone. 25:20.961 --> 25:24.042 [SPEAKER_02]: So I think it's helpful to kind of have this mindset out. 25:24.322 --> 25:26.843 [SPEAKER_02]: They're going to be this opportunity for conversation. 25:27.243 --> 25:31.306 [SPEAKER_02]: So, for people like that, they want to learn about the good aftercare. 25:31.726 --> 25:32.647 [SPEAKER_02]: What would that intel? 25:32.987 --> 25:34.628 [SPEAKER_01]: It looks different for everyone. 25:34.848 --> 25:38.770 [SPEAKER_01]: What I will say is good aftercare is what the other person needs. 25:38.971 --> 25:41.572 [SPEAKER_01]: So, before you get into a scene, please ask your partner. 25:42.013 --> 25:44.614 [SPEAKER_01]: What kind of care they think they need after a scene? 25:45.395 --> 25:53.780 [SPEAKER_01]: It's very common in the kink community for people to discuss this beforehand, but especially for newbies, I want you to start talking about what do you think you will need when this is done. 25:57.082 --> 26:00.423 [SPEAKER_01]: after the scene is done, ask them, what do you think you need right now? 26:00.463 --> 26:06.585 [SPEAKER_01]: What's going to make you feel better, whole cared for after such a scene? 26:07.226 --> 26:09.626 [SPEAKER_01]: I think gratitude is always a really good addition. 26:09.746 --> 26:16.989 [SPEAKER_01]: Like when you've both finished thanking each other for showing up energetically and being there for each other, thank you is always helpful. 26:17.429 --> 26:19.650 [SPEAKER_01]: Usually the person who's been in that more submissive or 26:22.891 --> 26:33.256 [SPEAKER_01]: hugged blankets, a sugary drink, depending on what happens, something to keep their blood sugar high and make sure that they're feeling more back to base level again. 26:34.117 --> 26:45.463 [SPEAKER_01]: And once the submissive or bottom has had their aftercare, I always recommend that Dom or Top should also have aftercare to both people deserve it and it's what they both need. 26:45.903 --> 26:47.864 [SPEAKER_01]: An example I always give because I didn't 26:50.345 --> 26:58.496 [SPEAKER_01]: When I was younger and playing with more people casually, I found out it was really important for me to hear from the person in the next day, and that's a type of aftercare. 26:58.556 --> 27:04.844 [SPEAKER_01]: I said, listen, I need you to text me the next day and check in on me so I feel cared for, otherwise I feel quite abandoned. 27:05.705 --> 27:11.348 [SPEAKER_01]: And I will not play with people, or when I was single, I wouldn't play with someone if they said, well, I have a really busy day tomorrow. 27:11.368 --> 27:12.128 [SPEAKER_01]: I'm not sure I can. 27:12.549 --> 27:18.552 [SPEAKER_01]: I would say, well, then let's find another time to play, because I can't feel bad the next day. 27:18.572 --> 27:21.513 [SPEAKER_01]: And I knew I wouldn't feel great if I didn't get that text. 27:22.033 --> 27:29.177 [SPEAKER_01]: So ask for what you need, communicate it, and you don't have to play with someone if they can't give you what you know you need. 27:30.084 --> 27:33.086 [SPEAKER_02]: and kind of owning what you need, right? 27:33.126 --> 27:38.910 [SPEAKER_02]: I think that's also very powerful and can translate in all different types of experiences. 27:39.530 --> 27:53.399 [SPEAKER_02]: And for people sometimes receiving the feedback, especially if they have more of a gentle personality now they're trying to kind of like leaning to their more dominant side and the feedback is difficult. 27:53.499 --> 27:57.101 [SPEAKER_02]: How do you recommend people to take care of themselves? 27:59.723 --> 28:03.384 [SPEAKER_01]: Well, the first thing I always say is leave your ego at the door. 28:03.824 --> 28:13.408 [SPEAKER_01]: When people have ego and that can happen, you need to understand am I getting defensive with this feedback because I didn't want to hear it, do I think it's unfair? 28:13.988 --> 28:16.049 [SPEAKER_01]: Leave your ego outside and just think, okay, 28:17.049 --> 28:25.013 [SPEAKER_01]: How can I have empathy for what this person is experiencing, because no matter how you feel about it, what they're sharing with you is their true feelings about the situation. 28:25.353 --> 28:27.194 [SPEAKER_01]: You could argue all day and it makes no difference. 28:27.214 --> 28:29.895 [SPEAKER_01]: So if you care about that person, try and understand. 28:29.915 --> 28:33.057 [SPEAKER_01]: I would say, that's how you have to go in. 28:33.857 --> 28:34.778 [SPEAKER_01]: Be curious. 28:34.958 --> 28:37.999 [SPEAKER_01]: They are giving you feedback, understand why they feel that way. 28:38.079 --> 28:38.660 [SPEAKER_01]: What happened? 28:38.700 --> 28:40.340 [SPEAKER_01]: How it could have been better for them? 28:41.181 --> 28:42.922 [SPEAKER_01]: Ask them what was making them feel triggered. 28:43.702 --> 28:49.245 [SPEAKER_01]: It's a brave question, but you can ask them, what other times in your life have you felt like this, right? 28:49.605 --> 28:55.268 [SPEAKER_01]: So that you better understand how they've been triggered before and you can avoid it in the future. 28:55.589 --> 29:05.254 [SPEAKER_01]: But I think that it is hard to receive feedback because oftentimes it's met with the idea or we're only given feedback when we're quote unquote failing. 29:05.634 --> 29:09.156 [SPEAKER_01]: You know, at a job in school, you get feedback, you got to try harder. 29:10.817 --> 29:12.338 [SPEAKER_01]: it's not like that in relationship. 29:12.458 --> 29:13.478 [SPEAKER_01]: It's not that you're failing. 29:13.558 --> 29:16.760 [SPEAKER_01]: It's that you are not meeting their specific deans. 29:17.260 --> 29:19.021 [SPEAKER_01]: So it's a caring thing to get feedback. 29:19.061 --> 29:19.981 [SPEAKER_01]: It's a I love you. 29:20.021 --> 29:21.762 [SPEAKER_01]: I want you to stay in my life or I care about you. 29:21.782 --> 29:22.822 [SPEAKER_01]: I want you to stay in my life. 29:23.283 --> 29:24.363 [SPEAKER_01]: I want us to continue this. 29:24.663 --> 29:32.507 [SPEAKER_01]: Here's how it can be better and just view it as it's a form of love to receive feedback even when it's hard to hear. 29:32.667 --> 29:37.709 [SPEAKER_01]: So just recognize I'm hearing this because this person respects me enough to share what they need next time. 29:38.925 --> 29:43.366 [SPEAKER_02]: I love that you're saying the part about when someone gives you feedback, they care. 29:43.847 --> 29:52.129 [SPEAKER_02]: But I had a colleague that I collaborate with him and he says, like he doesn't even get feedback to people like I times when he's angry, right? 29:52.169 --> 29:55.390 [SPEAKER_02]: Like, guys, you know, the feedback is the gift that you're giving someone. 29:56.070 --> 30:01.232 [SPEAKER_02]: And it's really, I think it's helpful to see it through that lens that maybe someone wants you to 30:01.952 --> 30:04.773 [SPEAKER_02]: improve or like they kind of like show up differently. 30:04.853 --> 30:15.216 [SPEAKER_02]: So instead of thinking about it as like sometimes people get hooked on that shame spiral that I'm bad and I feel seen and that that can get in the way of receiving the feedback. 30:15.556 --> 30:20.818 [SPEAKER_02]: So a bit many of our listeners, they are curious to learn more about you about your content. 30:21.218 --> 30:23.219 [SPEAKER_02]: Where are some of the places they can find you? 30:23.719 --> 30:31.424 [SPEAKER_01]: Sure, so I am on Instagram as the underscore kink consultant, where I share a lot about DOM and subrelationships in general. 30:31.925 --> 30:40.670 [SPEAKER_01]: I have a podcast called the kink consultant podcast where I invite on different kinksters who are exploring different lifestyles and we go in depth on how they live their kinkie life. 30:41.351 --> 30:44.773 [SPEAKER_01]: And you can find me at my website, AmandaDames.com. 30:45.358 --> 30:45.998 [SPEAKER_02]: amazing. 30:46.018 --> 30:48.060 [SPEAKER_02]: So these resources will be in the show. 30:48.080 --> 30:50.441 [SPEAKER_02]: No, thank you so much Amanda for coming in our show. 30:50.481 --> 30:53.043 [SPEAKER_02]: When this was a wonderful conversation. 30:53.663 --> 30:56.325 [SPEAKER_01]: Yes, thank you so much for having me right there. 31:00.782 --> 31:03.382 [SPEAKER_02]: I hope you guys found our conversation meaningful. 31:03.442 --> 31:09.044 [SPEAKER_02]: It was wonderful to get to know Amanda and I love the depth that she brought to the conversation. 31:09.704 --> 31:24.766 [SPEAKER_02]: If you are interested to download our step-by-step guide that can help you to take charge tonight, you can download it in the link in the show notes and if you want more in depth consultation, Amanda is definitely your gal. 31:25.206 --> 31:27.787 [SPEAKER_02]: All right, I'll talk to you guys next week. 31:28.827 --> 31:32.049 [SPEAKER_02]: Thanks for listening to Sexology Podcasts. 31:32.589 --> 31:39.452 [SPEAKER_02]: For more great content, visit www.sexologypodcast.com. 31:40.093 --> 31:49.317 [SPEAKER_02]: Please be advised that information presented on this podcast is not a substitute for seeking help from a licensed mental health provider.