WEBVTT 00:00.918 --> 00:12.970 [SPEAKER_00]: I don't hear a lot of people talking about what happens after you decide that you're done settling, you're done going for it. 00:13.430 --> 00:22.959 [SPEAKER_00]: I don't mean what happens at the end or towards the, like, further along in the journey where things start popping and, you know, things start happening left and right and 00:24.120 --> 00:35.979 [SPEAKER_00]: uh, secretivity and, you know, things are just lining up and you can just check start checking stuff off of your little list of all the goals and stuff that you have or this vision for your life, but I'm talking about like the messy. 00:36.530 --> 00:38.551 [SPEAKER_00]: in between the messy middle. 00:39.271 --> 00:43.752 [SPEAKER_00]: Hey, hey, if you're new here, my name is Bree, and I'm the host of the Brown Girl Self Care podcast. 00:43.772 --> 00:51.034 [SPEAKER_00]: Thank you so much for pressing play on this episode, where we talk about honoring the humanity of black women. 00:51.814 --> 00:58.716 [SPEAKER_00]: And currently, I'm talking about it more so through the lens of the freedom, because I'm on a freedom journey. 00:58.956 --> 01:01.697 [SPEAKER_00]: So if you're here and you're listening, I appreciate you, okay? 01:02.117 --> 01:02.537 [SPEAKER_00]: But yeah, 01:03.521 --> 01:04.342 [SPEAKER_00]: Let's talk about it. 01:05.162 --> 01:09.625 [SPEAKER_00]: I am not, now I'm not saying I'm all out in the streets everywhere. 01:09.805 --> 01:15.028 [SPEAKER_00]: I don't have all eyes everywhere obviously, but I'm not seeing a lot of talk. 01:16.423 --> 01:24.349 [SPEAKER_00]: about what happens immediately after you decide that you are done settling. 01:25.350 --> 01:26.131 [SPEAKER_00]: I don't see that. 01:26.511 --> 01:31.015 [SPEAKER_00]: You know, we talk about like the moment where you realize like, hey, I'm over it. 01:31.035 --> 01:31.856 [SPEAKER_00]: This is not for me. 01:31.956 --> 01:33.497 [SPEAKER_00]: I'm done living my life in this way. 01:33.537 --> 01:34.618 [SPEAKER_00]: These are the things that I want. 01:34.638 --> 01:35.899 [SPEAKER_00]: These are things I don't want. 01:36.379 --> 01:39.602 [SPEAKER_00]: And you kind of have this realization of like, this is how I got to this point. 01:40.082 --> 01:42.244 [SPEAKER_00]: You know, we talk about the epiphany. 01:43.353 --> 01:52.940 [SPEAKER_00]: the moment you realize that that job, like you're done, I've talked about that on the podcast before I've shared that story in the reasons why I quit my corporate job in 2019. 01:52.980 --> 01:57.883 [SPEAKER_00]: I've been winging it ever since. 01:58.103 --> 02:05.308 [SPEAKER_00]: We talked about the aha, like the moment when you realize that that relationship is just not happening for you or you don't want it. 02:05.908 --> 02:17.717 [SPEAKER_00]: you know it's it's just trash you don't want it or the situation job like whatever okay the path that you're on like that that that that that that that that a lot tongue tied the dynamic is 02:18.418 --> 02:20.439 [SPEAKER_00]: It's just not for you. 02:21.539 --> 02:24.180 [SPEAKER_00]: It's less than what you want for yourself. 02:24.220 --> 02:25.680 [SPEAKER_00]: It's less than what you deserve. 02:25.700 --> 02:27.001 [SPEAKER_00]: It's less than what you're worth. 02:28.001 --> 02:28.441 [SPEAKER_00]: Okay. 02:28.902 --> 02:32.883 [SPEAKER_00]: And so you gather the courage to stop chasing it. 02:33.583 --> 02:35.744 [SPEAKER_00]: You gather the courage to let it go. 02:36.324 --> 02:38.185 [SPEAKER_00]: You gather the courage, let it fall away. 02:38.205 --> 02:40.566 [SPEAKER_00]: And we celebrate that, by the way. 02:41.366 --> 02:44.267 [SPEAKER_00]: We, as scary as it can be, we celebrate 02:45.307 --> 02:55.980 [SPEAKER_00]: That departure, you know, we hype ourselves up, we high five ourselves, we hug ourselves, we cry, we celebrate, we honor the moment like whatever you decided to do. 02:56.000 --> 03:03.408 [SPEAKER_00]: Okay, hopefully I, I know do what one of those, but girl, like, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, 03:05.127 --> 03:26.593 [SPEAKER_00]: Nobody really talks about or I haven't noticed a lot of the conversation around this, like nobody warns you about the silence that comes next, that in-between that comes next, that gap, that valley, that comes next, because I'll tell you. 03:27.976 --> 03:43.468 [SPEAKER_00]: When you stop chasing something, something that is not for you, something you have been fighting for, tooth and nail clinging on by the skin of or clinging to by the skin of your teeth out of fear, especially. 03:45.510 --> 03:49.613 [SPEAKER_00]: When you stop chasing something that told you, hey, black woman. 03:51.130 --> 03:52.591 [SPEAKER_00]: You're not good enough for this. 03:52.671 --> 04:09.947 [SPEAKER_00]: So you need to, you're too much, or you've got to shrink yourself, or you have to make yourself invisible, or you need to mask or code switch, or basically just exhaust yourself, pretending to be something you're not, or pretending that you really want this thing. 04:09.967 --> 04:15.371 [SPEAKER_00]: We're talking about things that you have been settling for. 04:16.212 --> 04:19.014 [SPEAKER_00]: And a lot of times, we even want those things anyway, okay? 04:19.694 --> 04:40.008 [SPEAKER_00]: But once you finally like let it go and you drop the mask, you stop pretending, you stop fighting for it, you stop chasing it with your all, you stop burning up all your energy, running back and forth and throwing yourself into this mission that you have, where it's ultimately you settle in for less, okay? 04:41.449 --> 04:43.751 [SPEAKER_00]: Your left with this space of kind of like, 04:44.907 --> 04:46.868 [SPEAKER_00]: It's empty or it's a hold. 04:47.129 --> 04:48.710 [SPEAKER_00]: It's nothingness, you know? 04:48.730 --> 04:59.297 [SPEAKER_00]: And if you are prepared for that, that gap, that whole, that silence, that emptiness, 05:01.058 --> 05:17.901 [SPEAKER_00]: If you aren't grounded in that, if you aren't grounded in that season of what's next before, things start to really align or you get more clarity or whatever, honey, your brain's going to go into panic mode a lot of times. 05:18.562 --> 05:41.231 [SPEAKER_00]: Because mine went into panic mode, like after the dust settled when I quit my job, for example, after the high five in and the tears of oh my god, I just did this and you know, like all those things, the celebration and the parking lot like oh my god, oh my god, maybe like a couple of weeks after that there's just I was what was I was left with nothing. 05:42.339 --> 05:45.360 [SPEAKER_00]: as far as like I didn't have that job anymore. 05:45.820 --> 05:47.661 [SPEAKER_00]: I didn't have those routines anymore. 05:48.001 --> 05:50.982 [SPEAKER_00]: I didn't have those wake up in the morning at 5 AMs anymore. 05:51.322 --> 05:53.423 [SPEAKER_00]: I didn't have the drive to work anymore. 05:53.443 --> 05:55.763 [SPEAKER_00]: I didn't have the paycheck anymore. 05:55.783 --> 05:56.904 [SPEAKER_00]: Okay. 05:58.244 --> 06:02.145 [SPEAKER_00]: I think that was most of all the only thing that I missed was the shmoney, right? 06:02.165 --> 06:03.886 [SPEAKER_00]: So there was this, there was a void. 06:03.946 --> 06:07.367 [SPEAKER_00]: Now all these habits, the person that I was when I was 06:08.486 --> 06:31.957 [SPEAKER_00]: In that corporate environment, the cute little outfits, you know, the hairstyles that I was doing makeup at the time, like doing my makeup at the time sometimes and trying to be cute going to the office and just just all these things, right, to look the part to sound the part to be the part, you know, there's a lot of masking involved for me a lot of masking involved for me, but, um, 06:33.412 --> 06:49.661 [SPEAKER_00]: if you aren't grounded, you know, while you're in that void, your brain is going to start signaling all the alarms, all the alarms, all the cold reds, all the red flags, all the panic, okay, all all the things. 06:50.681 --> 06:56.184 [SPEAKER_00]: And in that panic, once you like, maybe let me tell you, once you start panicking, 07:02.073 --> 07:04.535 [SPEAKER_00]: It started looking real good. 07:04.635 --> 07:06.416 [SPEAKER_00]: It started looking real comfortable again. 07:06.436 --> 07:08.157 [SPEAKER_00]: It started looking real cute again. 07:09.077 --> 07:11.779 [SPEAKER_00]: It started looking real acceptable again. 07:11.799 --> 07:16.502 [SPEAKER_00]: Okay, if you're not grounded in that in between. 07:17.883 --> 07:25.127 [SPEAKER_00]: And that's what I, I don't unless I'm just missing in, of course, I can't see and hear everything. 07:25.587 --> 07:28.069 [SPEAKER_00]: But I don't hear a lot of people talking about that. 07:28.469 --> 07:29.890 [SPEAKER_00]: I think that's very important. 07:31.207 --> 07:46.303 [SPEAKER_00]: I think talking about that, that in-between, you know, and how it feels or what it can look like when you start to panic, like I feel like this needs to be talked about more, right? 07:46.723 --> 07:48.885 [SPEAKER_00]: So what happens or here's what happens is like, 07:50.107 --> 08:10.842 [SPEAKER_00]: If you've been that person and I know most likely this has been you at least at one point in your life But if you've been in this pattern of of masking yourself Shrinking yourself of overextending yourself exhausting yourself burning yourself out on both ends fighting for crumbs honey We'll let me tell you I shouldn't say we I loved to fight for crumbs 08:11.723 --> 08:20.926 [SPEAKER_00]: because who I was back then and in all of my, how can I say this would make sense? 08:21.366 --> 08:25.988 [SPEAKER_00]: In the past, like for pretty much my entire life, I thought that's all I was worth. 08:26.768 --> 08:28.609 [SPEAKER_00]: I didn't want to be in the in-between. 08:29.949 --> 08:32.870 [SPEAKER_00]: It was frightening to be in the in-between. 08:34.256 --> 08:37.559 [SPEAKER_00]: And I'm in the in between in some ways right now and it is still scary. 08:37.579 --> 08:38.319 [SPEAKER_00]: I'm not going to lie. 08:39.780 --> 08:50.027 [SPEAKER_00]: It is scary, but the reality like the awareness of it all, the grounding of it all is just it just hits different now. 08:50.748 --> 09:00.495 [SPEAKER_00]: Right, but before I was really rooted in my living fully and my freedom journey and like self love. 09:01.262 --> 09:10.245 [SPEAKER_00]: right and doing what I could to really connect with the little girl in me who didn't feel worthy. 09:15.006 --> 09:17.987 [SPEAKER_00]: I was just fighting for just give me anything. 09:18.127 --> 09:20.567 [SPEAKER_00]: Anything will be fine. 09:20.747 --> 09:24.889 [SPEAKER_00]: Anything will be fine as long as just something's better than nothing. 09:24.909 --> 09:26.309 [SPEAKER_00]: That's how I felt. 09:26.329 --> 09:26.609 [SPEAKER_00]: That that 09:30.455 --> 09:39.038 [SPEAKER_00]: That, that was my baseline, that amount of effort to make things okay and to make this better than nothing, you know, that, that was my baseline. 09:39.358 --> 09:40.818 [SPEAKER_00]: Pretty much my entire life. 09:41.419 --> 09:42.219 [SPEAKER_00]: Can you relate to that? 09:43.359 --> 09:54.503 [SPEAKER_00]: In some capacity, some area of your life, you have this baseline where even though you know the same for you, this ain't it chief, you saidlin, fighting for crumbs, 09:56.265 --> 10:03.127 [SPEAKER_00]: You know, just to find doing all the mental gymnastics, you know what I mean. 10:04.268 --> 10:07.749 [SPEAKER_00]: And you've allowed that just to become your baseline, right? 10:07.989 --> 10:09.570 [SPEAKER_00]: It's familiar. 10:10.487 --> 10:11.388 [SPEAKER_00]: You've done it before. 10:12.008 --> 10:18.293 [SPEAKER_00]: You felt that way for years to the point of sometimes you're just numb, like you don't even really realize you're just going through the motions, you know? 10:20.275 --> 10:23.618 [SPEAKER_00]: But it just, that box, it just feels familiar. 10:24.398 --> 10:26.420 [SPEAKER_00]: Been there, done that, got the t-shirt. 10:28.001 --> 10:38.650 [SPEAKER_00]: So when you, you just kind of like get numb or when you stop fighting and you take a step back, I should say, 10:40.643 --> 10:47.710 [SPEAKER_00]: When you stop fighting for like settling, you know, stop fighting for this thing that is not even really for you. 10:50.393 --> 10:58.662 [SPEAKER_00]: And you take a breath and you take a step back and you drop your shoulders. 11:02.114 --> 11:09.955 [SPEAKER_00]: and you look around and you see the situation for what it really is and for that it requires so much honesty. 11:11.076 --> 11:13.656 [SPEAKER_00]: Some of us can't even really be honest with ourselves about it. 11:13.736 --> 11:14.736 [SPEAKER_00]: What it is we really want. 11:15.356 --> 11:17.457 [SPEAKER_00]: What it is we're clinging to that we don't want. 11:18.657 --> 11:23.038 [SPEAKER_00]: What's going on internally that is allowing us to feel some kind of way about ourselves. 11:28.078 --> 11:30.979 [SPEAKER_00]: I had to let that sit for a minute because I know that resonated with somebody. 11:32.402 --> 11:32.722 [SPEAKER_00]: Right. 11:33.723 --> 11:46.508 [SPEAKER_00]: But that absence of dysfunction, it feels unnatural because you're so accustomed to it. 11:47.309 --> 11:52.171 [SPEAKER_00]: I like my life was built on dysfunction. 11:54.852 --> 11:56.334 [SPEAKER_00]: I was born in this function. 11:56.354 --> 11:58.596 [SPEAKER_00]: I was raised in this function. 11:58.616 --> 12:03.802 [SPEAKER_00]: I was, I live my life in this function in chaos. 12:05.535 --> 12:14.181 [SPEAKER_00]: settling almost every which a way to, you know, from my 20, 20s, dating a guy, didn't have a car. 12:14.281 --> 12:23.608 [SPEAKER_00]: I'm picking him up, dropping him off, letting me use my car, giving him gas money, probably, you know, taking him out to eat sometimes, you know, driving him around. 12:23.988 --> 12:25.589 [SPEAKER_00]: He's complaining about this and that. 12:25.609 --> 12:29.232 [SPEAKER_00]: And I'm just doing, being over backwards and what I can, you know what I mean? 12:35.430 --> 12:41.315 [SPEAKER_00]: You know, but I was fighting I was fighting for anything at least I got a man. 12:41.335 --> 12:52.864 [SPEAKER_00]: I know you heard that before at least I got a man, you know, because not having a man meant something about me that that's what I was telling myself because everybody got a man. 12:54.125 --> 12:55.086 [SPEAKER_00]: Everybody's dating. 12:56.122 --> 12:57.223 [SPEAKER_00]: everybody's boot up. 12:57.724 --> 12:59.185 [SPEAKER_00]: So you have to be as well. 12:59.546 --> 13:02.469 [SPEAKER_00]: So I'm just fighting for this thing that was definitely not for me. 13:03.770 --> 13:04.951 [SPEAKER_00]: Absolutely not for me. 13:05.872 --> 13:06.193 [SPEAKER_00]: You know. 13:10.978 --> 13:14.742 [SPEAKER_00]: But yeah, just that absence it feels. 13:15.777 --> 13:35.162 [SPEAKER_00]: It just doesn't feel right because you're so dialed into this part of your identity that says, this is what I deserve, this is what I have to do, this is what I have to have, this is how I have to live my life, these are the steps I have to take, you know, because anything else is just too risky, it's not safe, it doesn't feel safe. 13:37.383 --> 13:38.625 [SPEAKER_00]: Safety is important. 13:38.645 --> 13:39.446 [SPEAKER_00]: Safety is important. 13:39.847 --> 13:40.788 [SPEAKER_00]: Safety is a big thing. 13:41.469 --> 13:48.558 [SPEAKER_00]: You know, I feel like I've had to expand on what feels safe to me. 13:48.678 --> 13:55.127 [SPEAKER_00]: And I can tell you that the red warning signs just sometimes they would just be blaring. 13:55.842 --> 14:12.845 [SPEAKER_00]: you know, blaring at me because I was entering uncharted territory, you know, and so yeah, I had to move the line a little bit at a time of this of what felt safe for me. 14:13.693 --> 14:13.953 [SPEAKER_00]: Okay. 14:15.054 --> 14:18.756 [SPEAKER_00]: But yeah, so your mind is going to tell you that empty space. 14:19.056 --> 14:20.137 [SPEAKER_00]: That means you have nothing. 14:20.677 --> 14:21.298 [SPEAKER_00]: Empty space. 14:22.238 --> 14:23.019 [SPEAKER_00]: You have nothing. 14:23.059 --> 14:23.920 [SPEAKER_00]: You are nothing. 14:23.960 --> 14:25.020 [SPEAKER_00]: You're doing nothing. 14:25.040 --> 14:26.101 [SPEAKER_00]: You're going nowhere. 14:26.161 --> 14:28.602 [SPEAKER_00]: That's what empty space represents a lot of times. 14:29.963 --> 14:31.925 [SPEAKER_00]: And at least for me, that's how it felt. 14:32.325 --> 14:34.646 [SPEAKER_00]: That's why I filled up my life with so much stuff. 14:35.487 --> 14:37.188 [SPEAKER_00]: So much stuff that was not for me. 14:38.702 --> 14:43.123 [SPEAKER_00]: products, cars, I told you, I'm not even going to repeat the whole car thing. 14:43.143 --> 14:59.026 [SPEAKER_00]: Go listen to the previous episodes, but cars, buying stuff on credit cars, money I didn't have, feeling up space, you know relationships, having sex with guys, I didn't even like, like just so I can be boot up, just all kinds of shit. 14:59.586 --> 15:03.167 [SPEAKER_00]: The job, the jobs, the jobs, the jobs, 15:05.047 --> 15:33.543 [SPEAKER_00]: It was like, I don't even like this place, and how these people, I don't even like, and I'm sure they didn't like me, because yeah, I was going through some things back then, you know, it really, really was, but when there's emptiness, instead of when you're living from a place where you know what I mean, where you're just not really quite dialed into to your wholeness, so this is something that I still sometimes struggle with, okay? 15:35.159 --> 15:50.044 [SPEAKER_00]: But when it's emptiness, round you, it's just like a loss versus an opportunity to really be intentional about how you feel this hypothetical space. 15:51.785 --> 15:53.545 [SPEAKER_00]: My apartment is empty as hell. 15:55.786 --> 15:57.366 [SPEAKER_00]: My apartment is empty as hell. 15:57.586 --> 15:59.247 [SPEAKER_00]: I'm sitting here in Arkansas. 16:00.602 --> 16:06.567 [SPEAKER_00]: Okay, a state I moved to last year for a whole reason that is no longer happening. 16:06.647 --> 16:07.607 [SPEAKER_00]: So that's a loss. 16:08.348 --> 16:08.828 [SPEAKER_00]: Okay. 16:12.131 --> 16:17.235 [SPEAKER_00]: When I was here thinking that I had something that was for me, the loss felt like an opportunity. 16:17.975 --> 16:19.737 [SPEAKER_00]: I had gotten rid of all my stuff. 16:20.197 --> 16:23.840 [SPEAKER_00]: Only to the things that I could take in my car and my daughter and we we got into the 16:24.643 --> 16:29.687 [SPEAKER_00]: the Toyota and we drove here to Arkansas where the course of four or five days or half a longer took. 16:29.707 --> 16:31.269 [SPEAKER_00]: Can you remember, okay? 16:32.710 --> 16:35.792 [SPEAKER_00]: And I walked into this empty apartment with nothing. 16:38.194 --> 16:44.199 [SPEAKER_00]: And to me, it was like, oh, that's okay because there's opportunity here for me. 16:45.615 --> 16:46.275 [SPEAKER_00]: doesn't matter. 16:48.116 --> 16:54.118 [SPEAKER_00]: I can be intentional with this because I'm rebuilding that there's there's an opportunity for me here. 16:54.158 --> 16:55.038 [SPEAKER_00]: This is not a loss. 16:56.079 --> 17:01.200 [SPEAKER_00]: But once that relationship was severed with the person that I was going to be in community with. 17:03.281 --> 17:08.803 [SPEAKER_00]: It made me or didn't make me, but I looked at these things, this empty apartment differently. 17:09.383 --> 17:10.984 [SPEAKER_00]: Now I'm like, this is just. 17:12.533 --> 17:13.614 [SPEAKER_00]: a loss for real. 17:14.174 --> 17:15.355 [SPEAKER_00]: It's not an opportunity. 17:15.615 --> 17:17.077 [SPEAKER_00]: That's where my mind would initially. 17:17.457 --> 17:18.878 [SPEAKER_00]: I mean, I gave up so much. 17:21.040 --> 17:24.883 [SPEAKER_00]: And I sit here in an empty apartment with only a TV that sits on the floor. 17:25.703 --> 17:30.107 [SPEAKER_00]: And I sleep on a futon every single day and half for the last over a year. 17:30.127 --> 17:31.127 [SPEAKER_00]: Okay. 17:31.828 --> 17:33.850 [SPEAKER_00]: I didn't sleep on a futon in California. 17:33.870 --> 17:35.111 [SPEAKER_00]: I had my own damn bedroom. 17:35.953 --> 17:50.101 [SPEAKER_00]: beautiful bed, beautiful mattress, mattress protectors, several blankets, weight at blanket on top of that, fluffy pillows, you know, beautiful bedroom with a bathroom in the inside and just different things like that, right? 17:50.121 --> 17:51.662 [SPEAKER_00]: Beautiful furniture in my bedroom. 17:52.987 --> 17:57.910 [SPEAKER_00]: You know, that's what mine went back to because at that point, it's like none of this feels safe now. 17:59.251 --> 18:10.638 [SPEAKER_00]: So now I'm going to refer it back to what did feel safe, you know, things that I no longer have started to cling to that and I started to get bitter a little bit about that. 18:11.839 --> 18:12.139 [SPEAKER_00]: You know, 18:14.952 --> 18:18.838 [SPEAKER_00]: But yeah, sometimes you start to interpret that empty space. 18:18.858 --> 18:20.000 [SPEAKER_00]: Like you can look at it two ways. 18:20.060 --> 18:22.805 [SPEAKER_00]: Either this is a loss, a great loss. 18:24.589 --> 18:30.630 [SPEAKER_00]: or it's a great opportunity, you know, because it's ultimately, in my case, it's just a room. 18:31.851 --> 18:32.671 [SPEAKER_00]: It could go either way. 18:32.851 --> 18:35.051 [SPEAKER_00]: This is just a room, you know? 18:35.071 --> 18:36.612 [SPEAKER_00]: It's just an empty room. 18:38.272 --> 18:40.013 [SPEAKER_00]: But it's like, what do we do in this empty room? 18:40.033 --> 18:48.374 [SPEAKER_00]: Like for me, we start bargaining a little bit because for a time, I was like thinking before things kind of like were severed. 18:48.434 --> 18:50.415 [SPEAKER_00]: Like maybe I can just do this. 18:51.255 --> 18:53.056 [SPEAKER_00]: Maybe I can prove myself more. 18:53.496 --> 18:55.697 [SPEAKER_00]: Maybe I was coming into hot. 18:55.777 --> 18:57.537 [SPEAKER_00]: Maybe I asked for too much too soon. 18:57.997 --> 19:07.901 [SPEAKER_00]: Maybe maybe how things were handled weren't that bad and I should just be grateful for the opportunity that are that I even had the chance to do XYZ. 19:08.261 --> 19:14.243 [SPEAKER_00]: Maybe I should just humble myself and just take whatever's on the table and maybe later on they'll they'll 19:14.663 --> 19:25.636 [SPEAKER_00]: they'll see just how wonderful I am and how productive I am and how strong I am and how I can support them better and then they'll be willing to give me a little bit more so this won't be a loss. 19:25.656 --> 19:26.096 [SPEAKER_00]: You know what I mean? 19:26.116 --> 19:31.603 [SPEAKER_00]: We just start to negotiate and bargain with ourselves. 19:33.950 --> 19:37.912 [SPEAKER_00]: You get the desire to go back to safety. 19:38.172 --> 19:40.653 [SPEAKER_00]: Let me just reach back out. 19:40.993 --> 19:42.274 [SPEAKER_00]: Let me apologize. 19:42.454 --> 19:52.358 [SPEAKER_00]: Even though it takes two to four relationship, let me humble myself, let me apologize, let me do more, let me be more, let me give more, let me settle. 19:53.299 --> 20:00.062 [SPEAKER_00]: Or you're just like, okay, what that didn't work, I'm just gonna, let me find the next low standard and just quickly latch on to that. 20:01.635 --> 20:10.257 [SPEAKER_00]: That next low hanging fruit opera slash opportunity that's really not an opportunity because it ain't for you, it's still ain't for you, right? 20:12.518 --> 20:16.539 [SPEAKER_00]: You know, we want to grab onto the next low standard opportunity. 20:20.480 --> 20:27.862 [SPEAKER_00]: And, you know, isn't isn't because you made a mistake by walking away. 20:32.307 --> 20:54.859 [SPEAKER_00]: It's because sitting in the space between where you are right now, and where you really want to be, it takes, it takes something, you know, that space that that in between that middle area, you know, that emptiness. 20:57.581 --> 20:59.582 [SPEAKER_00]: It's going to take it's going to require like, 21:01.594 --> 21:23.121 [SPEAKER_00]: something special for me, you're going to have to sit with yourself, be uncomfortable for a time, be still, not try to cling and grab and grasp and fight and perform and produce and to hustle and to sweat and to give, give, give and you know, 21:24.435 --> 21:43.877 [SPEAKER_00]: mask and step up to the plate for everybody and fill all the holes and fix everything and make everything perfect like that in between requires some stillness it really really does 21:44.818 --> 21:49.160 [SPEAKER_00]: And so that's, you know, that's where I was for a time. 21:50.100 --> 21:54.342 [SPEAKER_00]: And it's hard to sit and that's still in as I'll tell you what, because life continues to life. 21:55.883 --> 21:56.884 [SPEAKER_00]: It really, really does. 21:56.984 --> 21:59.545 [SPEAKER_00]: Life continues to life, right? 22:05.267 --> 22:10.770 [SPEAKER_00]: I can tell you that, you know, it, it, what makes sense is to, 22:12.466 --> 22:14.790 [SPEAKER_00]: Look at that quiet space a little differently. 22:15.311 --> 22:18.115 [SPEAKER_00]: Again, that empty room is it's it's it's neutral. 22:18.135 --> 22:21.761 [SPEAKER_00]: I don't know if I said that before the empty room like the room that I'm in. 22:22.542 --> 22:23.203 [SPEAKER_00]: It's neutral. 22:23.223 --> 22:26.288 [SPEAKER_00]: Okay, it can either be a loss. 22:27.431 --> 22:32.013 [SPEAKER_00]: or it can be an actual intentional opportunity. 22:32.033 --> 22:39.817 [SPEAKER_00]: But what I can tell you is this empty room since it is neutral, it's not like a moral judgment against you. 22:39.837 --> 22:41.698 [SPEAKER_00]: It doesn't mean like, oh, look at you. 22:42.419 --> 22:43.319 [SPEAKER_00]: You're a failure. 22:43.379 --> 22:44.880 [SPEAKER_00]: You're always messing things up. 22:44.900 --> 22:45.460 [SPEAKER_00]: You know what I mean? 22:45.600 --> 22:46.601 [SPEAKER_00]: It's not proof of that. 22:48.822 --> 22:54.245 [SPEAKER_00]: That empty space can be a space where you just are still an allow your body to 22:55.407 --> 23:11.233 [SPEAKER_00]: recover and to settle down and to see what peace can actually feel like, allow yourself to get clarity before you start making more moves, you know, just to just be still, be at ease. 23:12.913 --> 23:13.794 [SPEAKER_00]: be at ease. 23:14.034 --> 23:22.281 [SPEAKER_00]: I know that's hard because I have, let me tell you, this last year, year and a half or not this last year and a half. 23:23.482 --> 23:26.844 [SPEAKER_00]: This last year has been tough. 23:28.686 --> 23:32.249 [SPEAKER_00]: It has been so hard for me at times just be still. 23:36.092 --> 23:37.093 [SPEAKER_00]: It has been so hard. 23:39.529 --> 23:46.192 [SPEAKER_00]: I tried to get a job, for example, and it literally broke my body down. 23:48.614 --> 23:52.455 [SPEAKER_00]: It did, and this is not an excuse to be like, oh, I can't work. 23:52.515 --> 23:52.876 [SPEAKER_00]: It's not. 23:52.936 --> 23:58.959 [SPEAKER_00]: It's just that I really tried to go hard, and the thing that I did, it just wasn't for me. 24:00.259 --> 24:03.581 [SPEAKER_00]: And it ended up costing me, you know, a broke my body down some. 24:03.641 --> 24:05.842 [SPEAKER_00]: It affected my mental health, you know? 24:06.562 --> 24:08.942 [SPEAKER_00]: So I had to go back and be still some more. 24:10.763 --> 24:13.483 [SPEAKER_00]: You know, I had to go back and be still some more. 24:13.943 --> 24:19.064 [SPEAKER_00]: And allow my body to, as hard as it can be to be still, I had to let my body recover. 24:19.424 --> 24:21.565 [SPEAKER_00]: My nervous system recover. 24:21.905 --> 24:23.465 [SPEAKER_00]: My mental health recovered. 24:23.845 --> 24:30.006 [SPEAKER_00]: I had to learn, I had to like let, like allow my body to do what it needs to do to recover because it was bad. 24:31.447 --> 24:33.427 [SPEAKER_00]: Waking up every morning, body just, 24:34.315 --> 24:42.123 [SPEAKER_00]: hurt and everything sore could barely walk stiff body and flame like it was just a mess child. 24:42.523 --> 24:43.264 [SPEAKER_00]: It was a mess. 24:44.465 --> 24:45.146 [SPEAKER_00]: A whole mess. 24:45.687 --> 24:49.731 [SPEAKER_00]: So I had to get back into that uncomfortable space. 24:51.642 --> 24:56.427 [SPEAKER_00]: and be still, I had to put the performance to the side. 24:56.828 --> 25:05.157 [SPEAKER_00]: There was no more performing in rushing, in clinging, in grasping, in feeling, and exhausting, in burning energy, like, no, I didn't have it in me. 25:05.638 --> 25:09.322 [SPEAKER_00]: You know, they say that your body's gonna make you settle down if you don't do it on your own. 25:10.123 --> 25:11.104 [SPEAKER_00]: I know you've heard that before. 25:13.366 --> 25:40.190 [SPEAKER_00]: So when you rush to fill the void with low hanging fruit or like that eat like easy thing that's not for you any just anything that comes along, you know, to eliminate that discomfort or that unease you want that that chaos that dysfunction because it's what you're used to you don't want to wait none of us want to wait none of us want to wait none of us want to wait we want it now I want the good thing now right but when we rush. 25:41.582 --> 25:45.404 [SPEAKER_00]: When we rush, all you gonna do is end up right back where you start. 25:45.484 --> 25:48.265 [SPEAKER_00]: Actually, it may put you back even more so, right? 25:48.645 --> 25:51.186 [SPEAKER_00]: And you still gonna be fighting for the bare minimum. 25:51.666 --> 25:55.248 [SPEAKER_00]: It's just gonna look a little different, but it's gonna be the same thing. 25:55.908 --> 26:00.209 [SPEAKER_00]: You know, that I did relationships one after another and they were all trash. 26:01.130 --> 26:06.312 [SPEAKER_00]: I'm not putting the fault the onus on them because they were gonna be who they were gonna be. 26:07.152 --> 26:09.933 [SPEAKER_00]: Regardless, they were gonna be who they're gonna be. 26:12.757 --> 26:18.822 [SPEAKER_00]: It was me that was rushing just to be connected to someone, booed up with someone. 26:18.962 --> 26:26.728 [SPEAKER_00]: I was willing to take anything because anything less was just like it was unsafe for my body. 26:27.569 --> 26:29.651 [SPEAKER_00]: That's how it felt to me, you know. 26:30.084 --> 26:33.546 [SPEAKER_00]: So I would get into these bare minimum mass relationships. 26:34.167 --> 26:35.528 [SPEAKER_00]: The rapper would look a little different. 26:35.548 --> 26:38.650 [SPEAKER_00]: Like, one would be one was like skin with a ball head. 26:40.111 --> 26:41.972 [SPEAKER_00]: One was dark skin with curly hair. 26:41.992 --> 26:46.915 [SPEAKER_00]: One was brown skin with a, he had a ball head as well. 26:46.935 --> 26:48.236 [SPEAKER_00]: Like, he was just like girl. 26:49.277 --> 26:50.838 [SPEAKER_00]: Girl, what were we doing? 26:51.458 --> 26:53.019 [SPEAKER_00]: Good, what are we doing? 26:53.980 --> 26:54.880 [SPEAKER_00]: You deserve better. 26:55.801 --> 26:56.862 [SPEAKER_00]: You deserve more. 26:57.762 --> 26:58.783 [SPEAKER_00]: Why are you settling? 27:00.341 --> 27:01.242 [SPEAKER_00]: Why are you settling? 27:01.262 --> 27:02.323 [SPEAKER_00]: Why are you fighting for this? 27:03.183 --> 27:03.504 [SPEAKER_00]: Right? 27:04.064 --> 27:21.238 [SPEAKER_00]: So you have to get comfortable just letting the space stay empty until the thing that actually matches with your standard arrives or until you, you know, you work towards something that actually makes sense. 27:21.819 --> 27:24.901 [SPEAKER_00]: You're not just clinging to the very first thing that walks by. 27:25.642 --> 27:29.525 [SPEAKER_00]: You have to trust like we talked about intuition on the podcast, I think 27:30.153 --> 27:41.122 [SPEAKER_00]: a few episodes back or somewhere in there, but you have to grow that intuition, trust that intuition, tap into that intuition, right? 27:45.046 --> 27:46.667 [SPEAKER_00]: You have to lean into that. 27:48.729 --> 27:50.991 [SPEAKER_00]: Okay, you have to have standards 27:52.937 --> 28:01.919 [SPEAKER_00]: I don't know if anyone's told you this before, or if someone has made you feel some kind of way because you actually have the goal to try to have standards. 28:02.580 --> 28:04.660 [SPEAKER_00]: Yeah, we screw those people, okay? 28:05.040 --> 28:08.021 [SPEAKER_00]: You have to have standards, right? 28:08.741 --> 28:15.143 [SPEAKER_00]: There has to be a standard for your life and what you are willing to allow in. 28:16.751 --> 28:26.134 [SPEAKER_00]: And you're gonna have to tap into that intuition and trust yourself enough to be in that quiet that empty room, that emptiness, right? 28:27.535 --> 28:41.539 [SPEAKER_00]: Without lowering the bar, just so you can have something which is better than nothing, or just to calm down that little anxious whatever, right? 28:43.720 --> 28:44.000 [SPEAKER_00]: Yeah. 28:45.745 --> 28:51.768 [SPEAKER_00]: You know, if you are sitting, like, and I'm still sitting here, okay, at times. 28:52.768 --> 29:08.835 [SPEAKER_00]: But if you two are sitting in that uncomfortable space right now, you know, or if you know that you, you are on the edge of settling just so you can stop feeling so anxious or just so you can, you know, you just don't want to wait. 29:09.115 --> 29:10.496 [SPEAKER_00]: Like it's just, you don't want to wait. 29:11.476 --> 29:12.317 [SPEAKER_00]: You just want to cling to 29:15.645 --> 29:21.008 [SPEAKER_00]: which bit sis is 2026, get your standards up, get your standards up. 29:21.108 --> 29:26.970 [SPEAKER_00]: Okay, but I want it to let you know that I created something specifically for you. 29:26.990 --> 29:34.774 [SPEAKER_00]: I am getting out of my comfort zone and I'm starting to do private podcast episodes now officially like for sure for sure. 29:34.794 --> 29:40.877 [SPEAKER_00]: This is me taking the time to after I sat in my discomfort. 29:42.800 --> 30:01.893 [SPEAKER_00]: and taking the time to actually think and see what feels more at ease for me and what aligns for the direction that I am going in, you know, I was like, let's continue to utilize the gifts that you have or that I have. 30:02.453 --> 30:08.437 [SPEAKER_00]: One of them is this talking, you know, sharing, okay? 30:10.022 --> 30:12.725 [SPEAKER_00]: allowing space for reflection and growth. 30:14.027 --> 30:17.270 [SPEAKER_00]: That's something that I have a skill in. 30:17.430 --> 30:21.675 [SPEAKER_00]: So let's go ahead and do private podcasts episode. 30:21.755 --> 30:21.996 [SPEAKER_00]: So. 30:22.850 --> 30:35.375 [SPEAKER_00]: If you notice, there should be at least either before or after this episode, there should be day one or day two, day three, day four, day five, depending on when you listen to this I suppose. 30:35.435 --> 30:45.218 [SPEAKER_00]: But there should be at least day one of a private podcast series that I'm doing and we'll continue to do every single month, but it'll look different every single month. 30:45.258 --> 30:50.200 [SPEAKER_00]: But I started off with a five day audio series and it's called stop fighting for the 30:51.990 --> 31:07.295 [SPEAKER_00]: Stop fighting for the bare minimum and day one should be right after or before this episode and this is not like some high level, you know, I'm saying that listen, you might listen to it on the way to work before you go to bed, you know during your lunch break. 31:07.755 --> 31:24.106 [SPEAKER_00]: or, as I'm doing some quiet time, this is just, you know, five short, intentional days, where we go a little deeper into ways to help you recognize what's going on and to hold your ground. 31:25.437 --> 31:25.857 [SPEAKER_00]: Okay. 31:26.398 --> 31:31.401 [SPEAKER_00]: So, if you're ready to stop settling, you don't want to negotiate your worth. 31:31.421 --> 31:35.784 [SPEAKER_00]: You're ready to honor your humanity, you know, whole space for what's meant for you. 31:36.144 --> 31:39.386 [SPEAKER_00]: I want you to go ahead and join the subscriber fee. 31:39.686 --> 31:40.787 [SPEAKER_00]: It's only $10 a month. 31:41.207 --> 31:41.588 [SPEAKER_00]: Okay. 31:42.608 --> 31:45.330 [SPEAKER_00]: And you'll get that entire five day challenge for the month. 31:45.870 --> 31:46.851 [SPEAKER_00]: through the end of July. 31:48.091 --> 31:52.934 [SPEAKER_00]: And then every month, as long as you're a subscriber, I'm going to be doing different things. 31:52.974 --> 31:56.375 [SPEAKER_00]: So it could be like a five day little mini reflection challenge. 31:56.415 --> 31:59.257 [SPEAKER_00]: It could be affirmations. 31:59.317 --> 32:09.362 [SPEAKER_00]: It could just be me sharing going deeper into my personal situation, you know, because I feel like when it's a little more private, it's just a safer space. 32:20.388 --> 32:29.932 [SPEAKER_00]: So, but real talk, you know, go ahead and join the private subscriber feed here on Red Circle or I guess on iTunes technically. 32:30.733 --> 32:37.215 [SPEAKER_00]: And um, or I'll leave a link, I should be able to leave a link weekend and just click it and you'll be able to join right there. 32:37.675 --> 32:41.537 [SPEAKER_00]: And just so you know, it's $10, which I am very thankful for. 32:42.317 --> 32:47.800 [SPEAKER_00]: You are helping me to continue to pay my bills, keep the lights on, pay 32:48.760 --> 32:48.840 [SPEAKER_00]: 8. 32:49.120 --> 32:56.124 [SPEAKER_00]: Okay, so just know that your support means everything for a Starving artist or podcast or like myself. 32:56.304 --> 32:56.664 [SPEAKER_00]: Okay. 32:57.305 --> 33:01.587 [SPEAKER_00]: All right, so Go and join the private feed and when you do send me email. 33:01.607 --> 33:09.071 [SPEAKER_00]: Let me know Connect that browngirls self-care.com again connect at browngirls self-care.com that way I can say hey girl Thank you. 33:09.291 --> 33:10.772 [SPEAKER_00]: I can thank you in in email 33:12.012 --> 33:16.656 [SPEAKER_00]: All right, but in the meantime, rule talk, like, don't give up on your standard, okay? 33:17.376 --> 33:25.523 [SPEAKER_00]: Do not give up on your standard's is just because, right now, maybe you're in the waiting room by yourself, the waiting room is quiet, okay? 33:25.583 --> 33:28.345 [SPEAKER_00]: Or the apartment room is quiet, whatever. 33:29.006 --> 33:30.647 [SPEAKER_00]: You know what I'm trying to say, all right? 33:30.947 --> 33:32.989 [SPEAKER_00]: But that little space you're in is quiet. 33:33.049 --> 33:34.090 [SPEAKER_00]: It feels empty. 33:35.070 --> 33:36.431 [SPEAKER_00]: You want to start filling it with stuff. 33:36.451 --> 33:38.393 [SPEAKER_00]: You're just grabbing anything like we not doing that. 33:39.100 --> 33:47.027 [SPEAKER_00]: Okay, we're not doing that, so please do not give a button your standard, protect your space because everybody ain't worth being in your space. 33:47.427 --> 33:54.714 [SPEAKER_00]: In case you need that reminder, nor do you need to just fill it up with junk, more chaos, more confusion, more dysfunction. 33:55.174 --> 34:03.801 [SPEAKER_00]: I'd rather have nothing in my room, other than peace, or have a room full of crap and no peace. 34:04.322 --> 34:05.603 [SPEAKER_00]: So take a deep breath today, 34:06.932 --> 34:13.384 [SPEAKER_00]: give yourself all the grace and I'll see you inside the private series and if not I'll see you next Monday. 34:13.865 --> 34:14.246 [SPEAKER_00]: Take care.