WEBVTT 00:00.491 --> 00:03.252 [SPEAKER_03]: Find the family fund you're looking for in Missouri. 00:03.612 --> 00:08.514 [SPEAKER_03]: Whether your crew is searching for this, but for something more like this. 00:10.195 --> 00:12.316 [SPEAKER_03]: Speaking adventure, like this. 00:13.836 --> 00:17.297 [SPEAKER_03]: Or just really, really need something more like this. 00:18.778 --> 00:21.639 [SPEAKER_03]: Your family will find a perfect vacation in Missouri. 00:22.039 --> 00:24.180 [SPEAKER_03]: Missouri, it's the getaway that gets... 00:26.543 --> 00:29.886 [SPEAKER_03]: All of you, plan your family fun and visit Mo.com. 00:50.702 --> 00:58.064 [SPEAKER_02]: Visit your local showroom in Maple Grove, Woodbury, or Jordan today, and remember, with by the art, life is better outdoors. 01:07.205 --> 01:13.327 [SPEAKER_04]: Welcome back to Feeding the Mouth of Biteshoe, a weekly podcast guide on parenting teens and launching them into the world. 01:13.887 --> 01:19.008 [SPEAKER_03]: I'm Cynthia Gannonff, and as always, I'm joined by psychologists and author, Dr. Ken Wilgus. 01:19.529 --> 01:20.950 [SPEAKER_04]: Hey, Dr. Candle, what's on your lip? 01:21.410 --> 01:23.771 [SPEAKER_01]: Cynthia, it stopped. 01:23.791 --> 01:30.555 [SPEAKER_01]: Just told her, so people that are listening, I just turned on the camera, which is always disappointing when I see me. 01:30.755 --> 01:34.817 [SPEAKER_01]: And I get this dot on my lip, which I wouldn't even care, but I have grandchildren. 01:34.938 --> 01:37.399 [SPEAKER_01]: And those of you who have grandchildren, little kids, they always go, 01:37.919 --> 01:38.981 [SPEAKER_01]: What is that? 01:39.361 --> 01:50.335 [SPEAKER_01]: And then they show me a microscopic something on their finger and tell me the story of a band-aid and I'm like, okay, you know, so I'm just picturing what my grandchildren will say. 01:50.653 --> 01:58.096 [SPEAKER_04]: Well, I just wanted to go ahead and set you up for what might be coming your way, because you mentioned you are feeling a little insecure about it, so I thought we might have supposed to bring it up. 01:58.416 --> 02:03.878 [SPEAKER_04]: Hey, we're going to get into our topic, which I think is a great one, especially in light of the morning, I just had over here. 02:03.938 --> 02:10.121 [SPEAKER_04]: But I wanted to tell you something that I think you already know, but I was news to me. 02:10.841 --> 02:14.782 [SPEAKER_04]: I went to Texas A&M University this last weekend, because my son is a freshman there. 02:14.942 --> 02:16.043 [SPEAKER_04]: One of my kids goes there. 02:16.804 --> 02:23.819 [SPEAKER_04]: And I, as you know, had a daughter in college, I learned something about boys from going to like a parent's weekend. 02:23.839 --> 02:24.260 [SPEAKER_04]: Are you ready? 02:24.280 --> 02:25.203 [SPEAKER_01]: I'm ready. 02:25.884 --> 02:26.947 [SPEAKER_04]: They're terrible hosts. 02:29.600 --> 02:30.841 [SPEAKER_01]: No, that's actually very true. 02:31.361 --> 02:32.803 [SPEAKER_01]: Why do you think that is Cynthia? 02:32.823 --> 02:34.224 [SPEAKER_01]: He was clearly raised, poorly. 02:35.264 --> 02:37.386 [SPEAKER_04]: I mean, I think there's excellent. 02:38.027 --> 02:47.995 [SPEAKER_04]: Apparently, I never told said son when you're at a tailgate with your parents and all these people and your parents are ready to go to the game and they said, oh wait, let me find my son. 02:49.195 --> 02:51.798 [SPEAKER_04]: And there, everyone's like, oh, he left for the game 20 minutes ago. 02:51.818 --> 03:11.238 [SPEAKER_04]: It's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like 03:11.358 --> 03:21.232 [SPEAKER_01]: Well, I will add this though and we could probably do it an episode on manners because, you know, there's a difference between 03:23.029 --> 03:24.631 [SPEAKER_01]: feeding them out parents are cautious. 03:24.731 --> 03:41.490 [SPEAKER_01]: Should I say, hey, you must not leave until you tell us that no, but that doesn't mean that feedback isn't reasonable or helpful and it's quite common that we don't have to teach our girls as much, something like this. 03:41.970 --> 03:50.152 [SPEAKER_01]: Because on average girls are more relational and it just is intuitive for them to say, hey, I'm going to go on to the game, do you all want to stay here? 03:50.573 --> 04:04.757 [SPEAKER_01]: It's not because they remembered that whole lesson you taught or when she was five, it's just kind of part of her and it can be surprising when we talk about when boys do something like that and it doesn't have to be. 04:05.798 --> 04:09.360 [SPEAKER_01]: a huge shocker, and it certainly doesn't mean you can't say anything. 04:10.041 --> 04:18.428 [SPEAKER_01]: But it is quite common that boys have a harder time thinking, what did you think we were going to do when you left? 04:18.468 --> 04:21.791 [SPEAKER_01]: I'm just curious, did you think we were going to forget your name? 04:22.211 --> 04:24.073 [SPEAKER_01]: Anyway, I think that's a lot. 04:24.433 --> 04:25.934 [SPEAKER_04]: Yeah, well, we got a good chocolate. 04:25.954 --> 04:27.535 [SPEAKER_04]: My husband reminded me he's a good man. 04:27.616 --> 04:29.617 [SPEAKER_04]: He was like, this is not about you. 04:29.977 --> 04:30.498 [SPEAKER_04]: He's a boy. 04:30.958 --> 04:36.005 [SPEAKER_04]: and he's he's just managing a lot of things and a lot of people and so we got to check that out and move on. 04:36.045 --> 04:38.629 [SPEAKER_01]: And that was poor manners on his part. 04:38.869 --> 04:40.511 [SPEAKER_01]: That is not a stunner. 04:41.012 --> 04:41.953 [SPEAKER_04]: Not a stunner at all. 04:42.013 --> 04:47.180 [SPEAKER_04]: Great kid that needs maybe a few little brush-ups on how we're going to do parents' weekends in college. 04:47.221 --> 04:47.321 [SPEAKER_04]: So 04:47.921 --> 05:15.830 [SPEAKER_04]: Okay, let's talk today about disregulation and I'm when you sent this over as a topic we should cover I was so excited I didn't know how badly I was gonna need it and because we are we had a disregulated morning in our house that I'm a little one but let's just start by talking about what it is and my first question I think I have for you is this what we used to call before we had terms we would just say they're spiraling like I remember because they were spiraling like good control 05:17.210 --> 05:28.717 [SPEAKER_01]: or even he threw a fit, you know, like that seems now and that's one of the things that I wanted to talk about, have we gained a lot now by calling this emotional dysregulation? 05:29.418 --> 05:34.061 [SPEAKER_01]: And I would argue a little but not as much as I think people might think. 05:34.461 --> 05:41.845 [SPEAKER_01]: So emotional dysregulation just refers to that inability to effectively manage and respond to emotional experiences. 05:42.406 --> 05:43.787 [SPEAKER_01]: It's not managing it well. 05:45.307 --> 05:57.249 [SPEAKER_01]: and spiraling is one way of looking at it, throwing a fit is not quite as good, but it all refers to, I am watching this kid of mine more than just being mean. 05:57.509 --> 06:07.191 [SPEAKER_01]: They seem to be overwhelmed by their emotions, and one term we used to use in patient treatment was when they're not 06:11.752 --> 06:15.874 [SPEAKER_01]: think about what you're doing right and that like this person is completely past that. 06:16.695 --> 06:20.077 [SPEAKER_01]: So it's not in itself a unique observation. 06:20.117 --> 06:27.021 [SPEAKER_01]: It's not like we discovered, you know, you know, some virus. 06:27.541 --> 06:31.824 [SPEAKER_01]: It's something you can observe, but we now call it emotional disregulation. 06:32.786 --> 06:36.648 [SPEAKER_01]: So emotional dysregulation, you should know, is not a diagnosis. 06:37.328 --> 06:43.972 [SPEAKER_01]: It is a kind of, it's more of a descriptor that goes with other diagnoses. 06:45.113 --> 06:54.398 [SPEAKER_01]: And so I think that's important for Paris to know that when someone says I think that your child was emotionally dysregulated, 06:55.218 --> 07:03.540 [SPEAKER_01]: They haven't really told you a whole bunch that you didn't already know, so don't oversell that as wait a minute. 07:03.860 --> 07:05.101 [SPEAKER_01]: This is a unique thing. 07:05.161 --> 07:11.322 [SPEAKER_01]: I used to think that he was spiraling, but I discovered that he is emotionally dysregulated. 07:11.562 --> 07:14.003 [SPEAKER_01]: It's just different words for the same observation. 07:14.625 --> 07:25.249 [SPEAKER_04]: Okay, and so can any child be dysregulated like and normally speaking, or is this really something that kids with ADHD or some sort of diagnosis struggle with? 07:25.289 --> 07:30.751 [SPEAKER_01]: Like is it specific every child is dysregulated at points? 07:30.771 --> 07:31.251 [SPEAKER_01]: Okay. 07:31.271 --> 07:34.452 [SPEAKER_01]: When you watch an infant, one of the best things we had. 07:36.208 --> 07:49.692 [SPEAKER_01]: Dr. Brasalton, I don't know if you remember, Hamas a long time ago, really good pediatrician with infants, and he came to the University of Texas, and was showing us films of infants, maybe four to six months. 07:50.392 --> 07:53.833 [SPEAKER_01]: But he was describing it and pointing out you can see here where 07:54.413 --> 08:18.400 [SPEAKER_01]: This infant is she's tried to hold it together and then she loses it like I'd never noticed even an infants that there's efforts to not lose control starting pretty early, meaning they just start crying and so forth, but you can see them fail at that attempt at regulation so this regulation is the norm at different ages. 08:19.140 --> 08:33.834 [SPEAKER_01]: And one of the key things, obviously, since this is feeding them out the bites you all want us to talk about, is this regulation in a teenager is a very significant thing from in an infant, a toddler, a grade schooler. 08:34.354 --> 08:38.038 [SPEAKER_01]: That's a very different way of looking at it and it's causes. 08:38.997 --> 08:40.498 [SPEAKER_04]: Okay well then let's look at that. 08:40.558 --> 08:50.181 [SPEAKER_04]: What does this regulation look like in a typical, um, let's say elementary school kid and I could really give you some film from this morning everybody and we and we wouldn't even have to talk about it. 08:50.201 --> 08:52.342 [SPEAKER_01]: But what does that do you want to give us any detail. 08:52.382 --> 08:53.582 [SPEAKER_01]: Would you rather leave that out? 08:53.722 --> 08:55.983 [SPEAKER_04]: No, I don't mind telling you, but just tired. 09:04.606 --> 09:16.317 [SPEAKER_04]: No, no, not a bit, but the tired and grumpy is always started because we're at baseball too late all those things right tired and grumpy, but then not wanting to follow the routine that gets us out the Doron time and then we kicked the bar stool. 09:16.718 --> 09:18.940 [SPEAKER_04]: We, we, we grinded a few times. 09:18.980 --> 09:20.822 [SPEAKER_01]: That was a name for the listeners at home. 09:20.882 --> 09:25.406 [SPEAKER_01]: Cynthia is using the we term as if she kicked the bar stool. 09:25.546 --> 09:31.615 [SPEAKER_04]: Well, no, I about kicked the bar stool myself, but I was like, great, I feel like I should get a trophy for that. 09:32.396 --> 09:35.260 [SPEAKER_04]: Kick the bar stool, you know, grunted. 09:36.161 --> 09:40.207 [SPEAKER_04]: Those kind of things that we're not ordinary ask, 09:41.088 --> 09:46.049 [SPEAKER_04]: Oh, yes, ma'am is a big thing in our house that may not be for everybody, but it's a yes, ma'am and it wasn't yourself. 09:46.570 --> 09:47.390 [SPEAKER_04]: It wasn't yes, ma'am. 09:47.410 --> 09:48.590 [SPEAKER_04]: It was a yes, ma'am. 09:48.610 --> 09:49.210 [SPEAKER_04]: It was a yes, ma'am. 09:49.230 --> 09:57.812 [SPEAKER_04]: Those kind of things, which, you know, we had to walk through that, but we know kind of what it looks like in these younger, these younger ages. 09:57.912 --> 09:59.653 [SPEAKER_04]: What does it look like for a teenager? 10:00.172 --> 10:12.025 [SPEAKER_01]: So okay, so basically I'm glad you gave that description because you're talking about a mix of stuff that is unpleasant and not it's misbehavior, but it's not way unusual for him. 10:12.065 --> 10:16.629 [SPEAKER_01]: He doesn't like this and when he gets tired he's more careless. 10:17.290 --> 10:29.463 [SPEAKER_01]: But then there's a point perhaps kicking the bar stool that you're beginning to think, wait a minute, he seems a bit out of control ish or spiraling like how much of this is his plan. 10:29.603 --> 10:30.844 [SPEAKER_01]: I don't like that bar stool. 10:30.884 --> 10:34.328 [SPEAKER_01]: I would like to kick it now versus just an explosion of emotion. 10:36.850 --> 10:52.540 [SPEAKER_01]: And parents like you are all it's not news to tell you what you should watch carefully and observe what are the causes but more particularly where did he cross over from what I used to call redirectible. 10:52.900 --> 11:01.406 [SPEAKER_01]: You could say whoa whoa whoa slow that down and he would versus a point where you right or wrong know that yeah even if I told him right then he wouldn't do that. 11:01.946 --> 11:15.054 [SPEAKER_01]: So the reason for that is that when it's behavior, what you're looking for is behavior that is responding to this environment, versus when it kind of seems like he's not really in control of himself. 11:15.934 --> 11:26.220 [SPEAKER_01]: And very often what that will look like a professional will ask, how often has he done this same behavior at school, or at church, or in other environments? 11:26.620 --> 11:47.976 [SPEAKER_01]: Very commonly the answer is he never does that there right now that doesn't mean that he's in full control of it But it does mean that Normally and at nine which is this boy's nine correct all right He is more and more aware of the circumstance that he's in and the kind of emotional Economy like it's not worth it for me to flip out here 11:49.138 --> 11:59.633 [SPEAKER_01]: And more than say when he was three, it was more likely that he kind of wasn't as aware of what was needed around him and had more tendency to be overwhelmed. 11:59.993 --> 12:03.538 [SPEAKER_01]: You take that same thing now and now you're talking about a 15-year-old. 12:04.980 --> 12:15.243 [SPEAKER_01]: So one of the reasons I want to talk about this, it disturbs me when a parent will tell me that my 15-year-old when she gets in the car, you know, she regularly disregulate and kind of 12:27.102 --> 12:29.865 [SPEAKER_01]: Where did you get the idea that was dysregulation? 12:30.566 --> 12:33.569 [SPEAKER_01]: And if it is, has she been hospitalized? 12:33.609 --> 12:34.730 [SPEAKER_01]: Are we going to sedate her? 12:35.010 --> 12:41.376 [SPEAKER_01]: What in the world is going on with a 15-year-old that is kind of having some sort of seizure? 12:41.436 --> 12:42.137 [SPEAKER_01]: What are we talking about? 12:42.417 --> 12:46.141 [SPEAKER_01]: And parents look at me like, no, I mean, she just had a hard day. 12:46.562 --> 12:46.882 [SPEAKER_01]: She's 15. 12:48.875 --> 12:55.720 [SPEAKER_01]: 15, and that's one of the things, emotional dysregulation varies, as you can tell, a huge amount based on the age. 12:56.421 --> 13:04.807 [SPEAKER_01]: So one of the concerns I have in calling it dysregulation is that it has, and this has come up before, a fake medical sound. 13:05.127 --> 13:05.367 [SPEAKER_04]: Right. 13:05.507 --> 13:10.408 [SPEAKER_01]: that, you know, it's, you know, we actually did a blood test, and she has emotional this week. 13:10.428 --> 13:11.288 [SPEAKER_01]: That's not true. 13:11.348 --> 13:12.128 [SPEAKER_01]: It's not a thing. 13:12.769 --> 13:29.532 [SPEAKER_01]: And looking at it, that way, tends to empty anything out of the moral or social obligation aspect of the thing and make it seem like it's, you know, it's, it's basically her amygnila overreacting and her prefrontal cortex, not regulating 13:34.813 --> 13:47.029 [SPEAKER_01]: what they call neurobolic sin England or just making stuff up in America that we act like what I'm seeing is this neurological thing. 13:47.429 --> 13:50.533 [SPEAKER_01]: That doesn't help I think what you're seeing is that she melted down 13:51.174 --> 13:58.080 [SPEAKER_01]: She threw a fit, whatever, at at her age, she wouldn't do that with anyone else around if this boy she liked out in the car. 13:58.581 --> 14:02.084 [SPEAKER_01]: At the moment of her throwing a fit, kids suddenly stop. 14:03.065 --> 14:03.586 [SPEAKER_01]: What happened? 14:03.886 --> 14:11.213 [SPEAKER_01]: So it's important to keep that mind that a teenager should not in any way, especially if it's only in your home. 14:12.134 --> 14:15.717 [SPEAKER_01]: I would be very cautious about normalizing that in any fashion. 14:16.592 --> 14:27.645 [SPEAKER_04]: Okay, so to make sure I'm hearing you correctly, that what your example of a kid getting in and catching out or throwing a phone to whatever, that's just that's disrespectfulness versus dysregulation. 14:28.085 --> 14:36.735 [SPEAKER_04]: We're talking, when we're talking out dysregulation, I'm like in layman's term, like when our younger kid literally, like, and I've had my little one, like kind of, 14:37.055 --> 14:39.678 [SPEAKER_04]: lose it and I'll say, you need to stop and he's like, I can't. 14:40.019 --> 14:42.722 [SPEAKER_04]: Like he's just inspired world so far that he can't. 14:42.762 --> 14:45.224 [SPEAKER_04]: And I believe him at some point, I'm like, yeah, you can't, you've lost it. 14:45.645 --> 14:45.845 [SPEAKER_04]: Yeah. 14:45.865 --> 14:52.092 [SPEAKER_04]: But with our teenagers, is there ever a dysregulation moment of I can't or do they still have those moments? 14:52.492 --> 14:58.439 [SPEAKER_01]: Yeah, another really hard moments of where I can't, but it's really important to observe when are those moments? 14:59.841 --> 15:08.749 [SPEAKER_01]: And you know, basically it's when you get worked up so much emotionally and we'll talk in a minute about and or the parent you're with gets worked up with you. 15:09.551 --> 15:14.892 [SPEAKER_01]: then there can be a kind of I can't stop, but we all kind of know that. 15:15.952 --> 15:31.256 [SPEAKER_01]: I think everybody knows my wife is a big deal to me and I tend to, I don't know, overreact to her and there are points when I've had to say, I'm going to take a brief walk here because I'm really at threat. 15:31.776 --> 15:31.996 [SPEAKER_01]: Well, 15:37.034 --> 15:43.942 [SPEAKER_01]: But for me to come back and say, you know, I really think that my amygdala is overreacting here, isn't, doesn't help anything. 15:44.082 --> 15:47.305 [SPEAKER_01]: It is an issue of control and it's my problem. 15:47.826 --> 15:55.394 [SPEAKER_01]: And teenage, you should be in the point of, if you, for example, had an episode where they melted down, usually after 9 p.m. 15:57.816 --> 16:03.781 [SPEAKER_01]: It's important to make decisions like, you know, what we're going to stop this discussion right now. 16:03.841 --> 16:07.944 [SPEAKER_01]: We're not going to talk about this boyfriend of yours because things are too heated. 16:08.345 --> 16:11.247 [SPEAKER_01]: That helps with dysregulation if you want to call it that. 16:12.628 --> 16:18.213 [SPEAKER_01]: But at the same time, with a say eight year old, if they flipped out, 16:18.938 --> 16:37.499 [SPEAKER_01]: And you learn that you know what what happens he needs to get in the car and I bring him a snack and that helps him to stay calm I think job well done if you have a 16 year old that gets in the car and flips out and you bring snacks I don't think your job is finished your bigger job is to wait until a later time. 16:38.280 --> 16:40.182 [SPEAKER_01]: and say, hey, we need to talk about yesterday. 16:40.943 --> 16:42.524 [SPEAKER_01]: What in the world was that? 16:42.624 --> 16:51.773 [SPEAKER_01]: It's really important, because your teenager will say, well, I already told you that I'm not dating him, and you're making a big deal, I'm not talking about the thing that was upsetting. 16:52.314 --> 16:56.898 [SPEAKER_01]: I get that, but you were custom, you lost $10 in custom money. 16:57.199 --> 17:01.343 [SPEAKER_01]: You know, it is, this regulation does not mean that you don't hold them accountable. 17:01.884 --> 17:05.491 [SPEAKER_01]: It does mean that you don't hold them accountable right then, just wait till the right moment. 17:05.992 --> 17:07.937 [SPEAKER_01]: But you really need to talk about 17:08.823 --> 17:32.103 [SPEAKER_01]: What do you think is the cause of this my young adult child and what will you do about this because it's and this is the thing you want to imply is that because it's not my problem as your parent it's your problem as a young adult and I've said this a lot to my kids what are you six if you were six fine but you're 16 do what is up with that that's all about the kind of respectful 17:32.884 --> 17:55.394 [SPEAKER_01]: change in your approach that in the case of dysregulation is more of maybe consulting with them about how they're going to handle themselves, but you don't lower your expectations to a six-year-old level just because I know my change gets real upset when they're dad and I are talking to that's very disrespectful and not helpful at all. 17:55.967 --> 17:56.167 [SPEAKER_04]: Yeah. 17:56.687 --> 18:00.349 [SPEAKER_04]: Okay, so I've got two examples I'd love you to weigh in on one. 18:00.369 --> 18:05.691 [SPEAKER_04]: I was with a friend and I won't mention a name but just the other day in her 15-year-old got in the car. 18:06.131 --> 18:10.053 [SPEAKER_04]: It's homecoming week, all, you know, especially the girls, all the emotions are high. 18:10.513 --> 18:14.675 [SPEAKER_04]: And she had a hard night that night before as kind of rude and a little disrespectful in the next morning. 18:14.755 --> 18:21.738 [SPEAKER_04]: She got in the car and was mom's waiting in the car to take her to school and just being snarking, everything else and mom said, I'm going back inside. 18:22.218 --> 18:24.059 [SPEAKER_04]: You may not talk to me that way when you're ready, 18:25.980 --> 18:28.882 [SPEAKER_04]: And she's like, I'm going to be late and she was kind of like, well, that's not my problem. 18:29.222 --> 18:37.809 [SPEAKER_04]: And so she went back inside and calmly sat inside and and waited for her daughter to come back in and her daughter did and then they went to school and everything is fine. 18:37.829 --> 18:40.571 [SPEAKER_04]: And so I think I was thinking through that example. 18:40.611 --> 18:40.911 [SPEAKER_04]: That's it. 18:41.371 --> 18:43.473 [SPEAKER_04]: a disrespectful moment, right? 18:43.853 --> 18:46.115 [SPEAKER_04]: Now, I'll give you a disregulation moment. 18:46.496 --> 18:49.438 [SPEAKER_04]: I've seen this with my daughter when she was in high school. 18:50.739 --> 18:54.422 [SPEAKER_04]: Just getting so worked about some crying, crying, crying, crying, crying, what I don't remember what it was. 18:54.462 --> 18:57.665 [SPEAKER_04]: But something, and I remember, I figured out about her walk away. 18:57.945 --> 18:58.945 [SPEAKER_04]: at some point I have a voice. 18:59.086 --> 19:01.647 [SPEAKER_04]: I love you, but we're not solving anything. 19:01.667 --> 19:02.347 [SPEAKER_04]: She wouldn't matter me. 19:02.447 --> 19:04.168 [SPEAKER_04]: It was whatever the scenario was going on. 19:04.528 --> 19:09.990 [SPEAKER_04]: But, and I remember I was with so patient, he would go in and sit with her and sit with her, and at some point I'm like, you're not going to get anywhere. 19:10.030 --> 19:10.831 [SPEAKER_04]: This doesn't end. 19:11.131 --> 19:14.592 [SPEAKER_04]: But if we walked away, then an hour later, the perspective changed. 19:14.933 --> 19:17.814 [SPEAKER_04]: So, to me, like, one is a disrespectful issue. 19:18.234 --> 19:19.655 [SPEAKER_04]: One is a disregulation issue. 19:20.055 --> 19:22.316 [SPEAKER_04]: Is that good ways to handle those or not really? 19:22.843 --> 19:26.324 [SPEAKER_01]: Yeah, I think both of those are very good ways to handle it. 19:26.884 --> 19:32.747 [SPEAKER_01]: And again, my thought here is that have we gained anything that we're calling this disregulation? 19:33.047 --> 19:45.131 [SPEAKER_01]: You're talking about a variation where that first mom you talked about did a good job of, I'm not going to make this an open punishment because again, when parents say, well, he's real disrespectful. 19:45.151 --> 19:47.452 [SPEAKER_01]: I always want to know, all right, I'm watching a video. 19:47.952 --> 19:49.414 [SPEAKER_01]: Where did he cross the line? 19:49.634 --> 19:50.495 [SPEAKER_01]: Did he cuss it you? 19:50.615 --> 19:52.337 [SPEAKER_01]: Well, no, did he call your names? 19:52.477 --> 19:53.378 [SPEAKER_01]: No, did he threaten? 19:53.559 --> 19:58.304 [SPEAKER_01]: No, he just had an attitude So I think the mom you're talking about was right that 19:58.988 --> 20:04.692 [SPEAKER_01]: I wouldn't make a huge deal out of that as in your grounded because you sound like you're unhappy with me. 20:05.933 --> 20:06.553 [SPEAKER_01]: It's in the book. 20:06.593 --> 20:10.015 [SPEAKER_01]: It's easier than you think to accidentally make a rule that says you can't be mad at. 20:10.676 --> 20:16.859 [SPEAKER_01]: However, at the same time, it is also reasonable to draw a line that look, I don't know, what's up with you. 20:17.780 --> 20:45.756 [SPEAKER_01]: you're not happy with me and I'm your taxi driver so I'm gonna go in and yet you're requiring her I think it does two things you're not gonna sit there and this is really important she didn't sit there and go honey what's really going really tell me I told you I just no no you don't talk her down from that you you know you leave the situation but she did leave her with an expectation that's very appropriate for her I can't let you do this 20:46.979 --> 20:54.369 [SPEAKER_01]: And she knew her daughter well enough, you got a chess game be prepared for what if she's out there for an hour and I never take her to school. 20:54.409 --> 21:00.277 [SPEAKER_01]: Well, okay, but I don't think that's bad in the situation you're talking about it's similar. 21:02.138 --> 21:10.661 [SPEAKER_01]: But with less expectation of understanding, instead of, you know, the way you're talking to me, it's just like, you know, this isn't a good time, it just walked away. 21:11.181 --> 21:17.864 [SPEAKER_01]: I'm interested to know when fathers are the ones in there doing the nice thing, it's sometimes different than a mother. 21:18.544 --> 21:24.808 [SPEAKER_01]: because dads are less likely to be saying, what's the deep inner thing here's radar? 21:25.168 --> 21:46.182 [SPEAKER_01]: He's not going to be as good at guessing what a mother can, which is, don't you think it's, it is the second week of this month and we all, things that really are true and insightful and upset the heck out of their teenagers, that, that him just being there can have a different effect, but both of those are still within the range 21:47.383 --> 21:49.244 [SPEAKER_01]: helping with a meltdown. 21:50.164 --> 21:58.367 [SPEAKER_01]: But at the same time, my teenager, having a meltdown is not a medical thing that then sets everything aside. 21:59.067 --> 22:04.529 [SPEAKER_01]: And I've accidentally reinforced treating this teenager like a six-year-old. 22:05.389 --> 22:11.951 [SPEAKER_01]: Unless there's a real diagnosis that you need to take into account, we can talk about that in a sec. 22:12.464 --> 22:13.664 [SPEAKER_04]: Yeah. 22:13.804 --> 22:15.365 [SPEAKER_04]: Let's talk about dysregulated parents. 22:15.805 --> 22:22.606 [SPEAKER_04]: And I mean, it's in context of in the midst of your kid being either disrespectful or dysregulated, whatever the case is. 22:24.306 --> 22:27.087 [SPEAKER_04]: If you're not clear on what that looks like, just go to Disney. 22:27.667 --> 22:29.748 [SPEAKER_04]: My husband, I laughed the hardest to Disney. 22:29.768 --> 22:32.728 [SPEAKER_04]: We're like, you, the worst parenting you will ever see as a Disney. 22:32.748 --> 22:33.728 [SPEAKER_04]: The happy is for sure. 22:34.308 --> 22:36.449 [SPEAKER_04]: Oh gosh, people screaming at their kids. 22:36.489 --> 22:37.849 [SPEAKER_04]: And, you know, it has cost us. 22:38.309 --> 22:38.429 [SPEAKER_04]: And, 22:42.010 --> 22:44.934 [SPEAKER_04]: until you get on those shuttle buses after a long day in the park. 22:44.994 --> 22:46.937 [SPEAKER_04]: I'll tell you he's dropping nobody. 22:47.718 --> 22:50.441 [SPEAKER_04]: And so I think we've all seen that. 22:50.502 --> 22:51.403 [SPEAKER_04]: We've all done it. 22:51.483 --> 22:55.648 [SPEAKER_04]: If you have a disc regular look on your child then you're not spending time with them. 22:56.029 --> 22:57.291 [SPEAKER_01]: That's that's what I'm saying. 22:57.531 --> 22:57.931 [SPEAKER_01]: Yeah. 22:59.353 --> 23:17.028 [SPEAKER_04]: So, but for not for you and me, Dr. Kenneth would never be wrong for us, but for my friends that are disregarding, give us some tips on, well, one kind of, what does it look like in ourselves, if we're not super clear on that, but two, how do we regulate the midst of it, like how do we manage that better? 23:17.726 --> 23:19.207 [SPEAKER_01]: So I think there's two things about that. 23:19.448 --> 23:30.597 [SPEAKER_01]: One is that you can't really sort of diagnose that my kid has a disregulation problem if you don't take into account that most of the time this happens when I'm flipping out in front of him. 23:30.818 --> 23:35.121 [SPEAKER_01]: So that's sort of messes up your diagnostics, if you will. 23:36.222 --> 23:38.504 [SPEAKER_01]: Because you also are melting down. 23:38.584 --> 23:41.046 [SPEAKER_01]: Again, I actually don't love the word disregulating. 23:41.106 --> 23:49.152 [SPEAKER_01]: So if you're upset and emotional and melting down, and you don't have control over it, then that may trigger your teenager to do it. 23:49.613 --> 23:51.954 [SPEAKER_01]: It is not an excuse for either of you. 23:52.214 --> 23:53.936 [SPEAKER_01]: It is not the same as well. 23:54.456 --> 23:58.279 [SPEAKER_01]: It's not my teenagers fault, because I shouldn't have gotten upset. 23:58.379 --> 23:59.920 [SPEAKER_01]: No, these are young adults. 24:00.341 --> 24:04.023 [SPEAKER_01]: You shouldn't have flipped out and your teenager shouldn't have escalated it. 24:04.184 --> 24:04.624 [SPEAKER_01]: It's both. 24:05.441 --> 24:27.920 [SPEAKER_01]: So I think the main way that the difference I would have in a lot of parenting experts is that they will say that the key is that the parents stay calm and if you stay regulated it will signal your child to stay regulated that is definitely true when you have a lack of child that's about two year old or less they can feel your 24:28.833 --> 24:32.635 [SPEAKER_01]: mood and your reaction and it really makes a difference to theirs. 24:33.415 --> 24:42.180 [SPEAKER_01]: But pass that and definitely into young adultness, the key isn't your being regulated to making sure your teenagers regulated. 24:42.540 --> 24:47.383 [SPEAKER_01]: The key is that you're not parenting well if you're flipping out. 24:48.083 --> 24:54.465 [SPEAKER_01]: and it's worth examining, what is it that you're doing that, and we've talked about this. 24:54.565 --> 25:02.627 [SPEAKER_01]: The most common thing is the parent that is actually addressing a behavior that needs a consequence, but I want to be nice and I don't want to do that. 25:02.807 --> 25:06.608 [SPEAKER_01]: I don't want to give you a consequence just because you didn't empty the dishwasher. 25:06.648 --> 25:08.729 [SPEAKER_01]: I know you've got to let go and on and you end up 25:09.367 --> 25:12.388 [SPEAKER_01]: getting building and building resentment that makes it worse. 25:12.928 --> 25:22.149 [SPEAKER_01]: So it's very common that you get upset because you feel like behavior isn't being addressed and you're still trying to be nice about it. 25:23.250 --> 25:27.790 [SPEAKER_01]: But if you can't find what the source of it is, then like anybody walk away. 25:28.330 --> 25:37.032 [SPEAKER_01]: It's good modeling if anything to tell your team that you're well, you know, now I'm getting kind of worked up and I don't like what I say when I get worked on walking off. 25:37.839 --> 25:45.941 [SPEAKER_01]: But again, you hear the difference, I'm not saying that you can't expect a teenager to self-regulate if the parent doesn't. 25:46.141 --> 25:46.681 [SPEAKER_01]: Yeah, you can. 25:47.321 --> 25:47.881 [SPEAKER_01]: Absolutely. 25:48.041 --> 25:51.982 [SPEAKER_01]: I've seen teenagers look at their parents like they're from Mars, like what is your problem? 25:52.242 --> 25:54.363 [SPEAKER_01]: You're flipping out and they didn't flip out. 25:54.743 --> 25:56.803 [SPEAKER_01]: And that was a pretty powerful moment. 25:57.563 --> 26:04.025 [SPEAKER_01]: But at the same time, you can't really say, I think my teenager has a regulation problem if you regularly, 26:04.689 --> 26:09.532 [SPEAKER_01]: melt down and flip out, then you need to think about the situation your teenagers in. 26:09.992 --> 26:13.594 [SPEAKER_04]: Okay, so you mentioned specific diagnosis. 26:14.055 --> 26:17.917 [SPEAKER_04]: There could be instances where really it is medically, they're more prone to that. 26:18.317 --> 26:22.340 [SPEAKER_01]: Yes, and it is rare and not self-diagnosed. 26:22.400 --> 26:28.103 [SPEAKER_01]: So don't look at a YouTube and decide, hey, my kid has one of them would be bipolar disorder. 26:33.437 --> 26:40.042 [SPEAKER_01]: very commonly, parents of teenagers think their child is bipolar, but they're misreading the data. 26:40.442 --> 26:55.873 [SPEAKER_01]: But if a physician, psychiatrists, has actually diagnosed this teenager with bipolar disorder than one of the aspects of helping that teenager is trying to ride along with them saying, you know, you've seen kind of manically. 26:56.493 --> 27:21.800 [SPEAKER_01]: or you do think which by the way parents of bipolar teenagers knows that's tricky because they don't like being told that even if it's true it's very hard to know when you're manicky but those are examples where disregulation is maybe a good way to think about it and even in those cases it means that you know better than to go too far and when your teenager is getting worked up she's in that 27:23.901 --> 27:28.744 [SPEAKER_01]: So we don't address as many things right now, that's one example. 27:29.404 --> 27:33.326 [SPEAKER_01]: ADHD is not really a great example of that. 27:33.786 --> 27:48.874 [SPEAKER_01]: It is an example of something that because of the impulsivity, it is often, it's not uncommon for a certainly an ADHD child and a teenager to feel really overwhelmed. 27:49.628 --> 27:51.470 [SPEAKER_01]: And that might come out in emotion. 27:52.030 --> 27:57.094 [SPEAKER_01]: So it's a bit of a kind of temperature gauge that they heat up more quickly. 27:57.675 --> 28:07.063 [SPEAKER_01]: But again, I would be careful that that's not something where if you have an ADHD teenager, then then losing it with you only. 28:07.453 --> 28:11.055 [SPEAKER_01]: throwing things and cussing you out is a neurological disorder. 28:11.116 --> 28:11.696 [SPEAKER_01]: It is not. 28:12.256 --> 28:22.303 [SPEAKER_01]: It is however something to talk to them about that, you know, when school gets going, you really get overwhelmed and you're really upset. 28:22.423 --> 28:23.824 [SPEAKER_01]: You get that way really easily. 28:24.385 --> 28:26.306 [SPEAKER_01]: So I'm going to be more careful with this. 28:26.366 --> 28:27.327 [SPEAKER_01]: I recommend you do that. 28:27.647 --> 28:28.367 [SPEAKER_01]: You know what I mean? 28:28.427 --> 28:29.728 [SPEAKER_01]: But it's not the same thing as 28:31.109 --> 28:36.010 [SPEAKER_01]: we've actually uncovered a diagnosis that can really cause this regulation. 28:36.370 --> 28:37.370 [SPEAKER_01]: It's very rare. 28:38.430 --> 28:38.950 [SPEAKER_04]: Makes sense. 28:39.030 --> 28:39.411 [SPEAKER_04]: Makes sense. 28:39.511 --> 28:39.791 [SPEAKER_04]: Okay. 28:40.331 --> 28:42.751 [SPEAKER_04]: I'm going to, this is, let's end on this. 28:43.191 --> 28:51.053 [SPEAKER_04]: This is the fast round where I ask you questions that are really required more of a response than I'm going to give you, and you're going to try to answer fast. 28:51.093 --> 28:52.593 [SPEAKER_04]: So this could be a complete flop. 28:52.613 --> 28:53.813 [SPEAKER_04]: We'll try to, okay, 28:59.410 --> 29:12.256 [SPEAKER_01]: moodyness can affect how your teenager feels and the quality of their feeling, disregulation has everything to do with the expected self-control regardless of your mood. 29:13.056 --> 29:13.196 [SPEAKER_04]: Okay. 29:13.997 --> 29:18.399 [SPEAKER_04]: What about consequences versus compassion in those moments? 29:18.988 --> 29:34.262 [SPEAKER_01]: Okay, it is disrespectful for a teenager to receive no consequences for like cursing and things that you normally would because I know you will real upset with the toddler. 29:34.543 --> 29:36.264 [SPEAKER_01]: I think that's pretty reasonable. 29:37.105 --> 29:39.147 [SPEAKER_01]: But it's disrespectful with a teenager. 29:39.527 --> 29:44.191 [SPEAKER_01]: The big difference is when your teenager is in the midst of F bombing you out of the room. 29:44.832 --> 29:48.595 [SPEAKER_01]: That's not the moment to say, hey, you're disrespectful to me. 29:48.695 --> 29:50.857 [SPEAKER_01]: That's the moment to just calm everything down. 29:51.318 --> 29:53.880 [SPEAKER_01]: And the next day you let them know, wow, dude, you're lost $7. 29:55.201 --> 29:56.983 [SPEAKER_01]: This is costing you. 29:57.824 --> 29:58.024 [SPEAKER_04]: Okay. 29:58.384 --> 30:01.967 [SPEAKER_04]: Do you believe there's common triggers that we should be aware of or 30:03.286 --> 30:17.287 [SPEAKER_04]: with our teens when it comes to disregulation or is that individual to every kid or do we not even like at the end of the day we're not concerned about triggers we're concerned about their behavior okay great question trigger is a word used way too much. 30:18.368 --> 30:27.453 [SPEAKER_01]: genuine triggers refer to post-traumatic stress, a soldier that dives out of the bed when a car backfires outside. 30:27.533 --> 30:29.274 [SPEAKER_01]: That's what trigger really means. 30:29.875 --> 30:37.959 [SPEAKER_01]: When you mean other certain topics or ways that we talked to our teenagers that can be very upsetting to them, yes, I wouldn't call that trigger. 30:38.560 --> 30:45.564 [SPEAKER_01]: And I certainly wouldn't use that as a guide for how I need to be careful to not bring up things 30:47.805 --> 30:51.066 [SPEAKER_01]: teenager cannot handle behavior if I bring this up. 30:51.406 --> 30:53.327 [SPEAKER_01]: That's again, making things worse. 30:54.427 --> 30:55.427 [SPEAKER_04]: Okay, make sense. 30:55.528 --> 30:56.408 [SPEAKER_04]: I'm following you still. 30:56.888 --> 31:03.390 [SPEAKER_04]: Okay, last thing, what about if our teens are struggling in school with this? 31:03.850 --> 31:11.293 [SPEAKER_04]: Most of us, a lot of us, I shouldn't say most, a lot of us probably, like you said early on, let's say that never happens at school because they know the social 31:13.414 --> 31:15.962 [SPEAKER_04]: What about the parent who has seen that? 31:16.023 --> 31:17.307 [SPEAKER_04]: They are experiencing that. 31:17.347 --> 31:18.491 [SPEAKER_04]: They're getting calls from the school. 31:19.173 --> 31:26.135 [SPEAKER_01]: That is more likely a real, either anxiety or affective disorder. 31:26.975 --> 31:28.315 [SPEAKER_01]: It's an important difference. 31:28.835 --> 31:32.336 [SPEAKER_01]: And I don't mean that they also can be a little rude sounding with their tanger. 31:32.396 --> 31:45.479 [SPEAKER_01]: I'm talking about we have gotten calls from the school, the high school, because once again, this kid has lost it and cussed out somebody, whatever, that is much more of a sign of a real 31:46.539 --> 32:07.617 [SPEAKER_01]: Disorder that the and your school will already be talking to you about it and you certainly should that Kid needs to be taken for an evaluation not necessarily therapy, but definitely a good evaluation of what is causing this because Doing it in regularly outside of the home in adolescence quite unusual Got it. 32:08.277 --> 32:08.778 [SPEAKER_04]: All right. 32:09.058 --> 32:09.899 [SPEAKER_04]: We learned a lot. 32:10.059 --> 32:10.800 [SPEAKER_04]: We learned a lot. 32:10.900 --> 32:13.882 [SPEAKER_04]: Could it use this about 12 hours ago, but nonetheless here we are 32:16.356 --> 32:17.738 [SPEAKER_04]: Thanks so much, Dr. Cannon. 32:17.758 --> 32:20.342 [SPEAKER_04]: Hey, everyone, blessings over his mouth. 32:20.402 --> 32:21.724 [SPEAKER_04]: We'll hope for that could heal. 32:22.265 --> 32:23.707 [SPEAKER_01]: I'm so sorry I brought that up. 32:39.849 --> 33:02.426 [SPEAKER_00]: Walk across America's highest suspension bridge, an exciting adventure awaits you about the Arkansas River on the famous Royal Gorge Bridge, and coming this spring, Royal Gorge is introducing Colorado's first clear floor gondola, experience a breathtaking new way to take in panoramic views of the scenic Royal Gorge through a clear glass floor, and it's included with park ignition at no extra costs. 33:02.566 --> 33:08.307 [SPEAKER_00]: Will you dare to look down, visit RoyalGorgebridge.com to learn more and purchase tickets to town. 33:08.367 --> 33:09.267 [SPEAKER_00]: Come for the bridge. 33:09.387 --> 33:10.708 [SPEAKER_00]: Stay for the adventure. 33:10.988 --> 33:14.869 [SPEAKER_02]: The mosquitoes may be working overtime, but so are the savings at by the yard. 33:15.289 --> 33:19.790 [SPEAKER_02]: During the July bubble bash by one glider chair and get the second 30% off. 33:20.170 --> 33:25.611 [SPEAKER_02]: There's nothing better than gliding through a warm Minnesota evening with a cold drinking hand and nowhere else to be. 33:26.091 --> 33:30.852 [SPEAKER_02]: Built to last and backed by a 35 year warranty, these gliders are made for summers to come. 33:31.412 --> 33:38.763 [SPEAKER_02]: Visit your local showroom in Maple Grove, Woodbury, or Jordan today, and remember, with by the art, life is better outdoors.