[SPEAKER_01]: hey guys welcome back to the courageous parenting podcast today we're talking about teaching social awareness so your children can lead that's right we want our kids to be leaders not followers and as many situations as possible right and so knowing social etiquette social manners emotional intelligence this is a huge topic I give you an acronym act ACT what you can do so it helps you remember with your young ones middle kids even teenagers it works really
[SPEAKER_00]: Such a helpful episode really is fire and some interesting stories in there too We get candid and wow that was convicting was set a couple of times I said it once I said it once anyways, good anyways, enjoy the show all show notes courageous parenting.com Full Ministry of be courageous ministry.org Which is the most favorite and help the 10 million legacies movement?
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[SPEAKER_00]: You know, and actually this is one of those skills that really is important for all ages and the younger you can start the better, but it's never too late.
[SPEAKER_00]: And it's so important for this feature going into when
[SPEAKER_00]: It's really required that your children have some leadership skills, because you don't want your children to be followers amongst most of the groups out there in the future.
[SPEAKER_00]: You need them to be leaders in unprecedented times.
[SPEAKER_01]: But a huge part of that is it's teaching them social awareness, teaching them those skills that are going to be that are truly life skills.
[SPEAKER_01]: There's no other way to describe it, right?
[SPEAKER_01]: They're the skills that regardless of your education choice, you know that as a parent, you want your kids to be trained at.
[SPEAKER_01]: I remember years ago when we were thinking about homeschooling, one of the biggest arguments was socialization.
[SPEAKER_01]: and it was this concern or worry that are your kids gonna be socialized?
[SPEAKER_01]: What are they gonna be like?
[SPEAKER_01]: Are they gonna be socially awkward, right?
[SPEAKER_01]: And I remember that you and I, we literally pondered that and we went, okay, so hold up a second.
[SPEAKER_01]: Are we socially awkward people?
[SPEAKER_01]: Because I think that most parents that raise their kids like their kids will kind of turn out a little bit like them.
[SPEAKER_01]: At least starting to agree because you're socializing your children to yourself, but also to one another, right?
[SPEAKER_01]: So there's that element of it, but then there's also the element of looking at the reality of how is society and do I want my kids to be like the rest of society?
[SPEAKER_01]: Do I want them to be like the kids that are at the public schools?
[SPEAKER_01]: Do I want them to have the fruit in their life that I'm seeing in even in the youth group?
[SPEAKER_01]: Can I even say that?
[SPEAKER_01]: I know that for us, we always judge the fruit.
[SPEAKER_01]: So I think that there's one big tip, parenting tip that I am thankful that we've always kind of like instead of just making a rash decision, we've prayed about it, but we also are observant.
[SPEAKER_01]: We pause, we wait, we look at the fruit.
[SPEAKER_01]: And yeah, we judge the fruit, especially when it's claimed Christian, right?
[SPEAKER_01]: And then make our decisions based upon the fruit, as far as what we're involved with, who we would allow our kids to associate with, because they're going to be socialized
[SPEAKER_01]: really around a lot.
[SPEAKER_00]: Yeah, and you're talking about mostly those younger years as they get older, they're making their own choices, but they're we're experiencing and they're making fantastic choices, and that's what you want.
[SPEAKER_01]: Oh yeah, the older kids, yeah.
[SPEAKER_00]: So it's super important.
[SPEAKER_01]: But I think that part of that they're making wise choices is because they grew up with us teaching them the why behind the decisions that we made, which I think is another huge point for parents.
[SPEAKER_01]: you don't just parent to your children in order to equip them to be able to make wise choices when they're older.
[SPEAKER_01]: You have to teach them the why behind why you chose not to hang out with so-and-so, right?
[SPEAKER_01]: Or why you don't prefer them to go and do that sleepover, or why why you're making the choices that you're making.
[SPEAKER_01]: And so our kids always knew the why behind it.
[SPEAKER_01]: Now, on one hand, you could cross a line and become overly critical at times and I know that I have for sure done that, right?
[SPEAKER_01]: Where if the kids start pushing back with reasons like defending them because they really want to go hang out And they really want to go to this party or they really want to go and they want to spend a lot of time with this one specific person and you as a mom just are discerning like No red flags everywhere super danger
[SPEAKER_01]: you might, if you're receiving pushback, you might go into deeper things with your kid and say, well, actually, no, because I see this.
[SPEAKER_01]: I see disrespect towards their parents.
[SPEAKER_01]: I see lying.
[SPEAKER_01]: I see dishonesty.
[SPEAKER_01]: I don't see them even paying attention in class.
[SPEAKER_01]: I don't see this.
[SPEAKER_01]: I don't see that.
[SPEAKER_01]: I do see this.
[SPEAKER_01]: I do see that.
[SPEAKER_01]: And while some people might say that that is like being overtly critical, I would say that that is the literally, if you remove that conversation from happening, then you're not equipping your children to be discerning at all.
[SPEAKER_01]: like they're not being observed in judging the fruit themselves, which is the key element to making wise decisions when they are older.
[SPEAKER_00]: And you might say, well, hey, I'm going to send my child to be an example to them and to help them grow out of that.
[SPEAKER_00]: And that's possible, is your child demonstrating strong leadership already?
[SPEAKER_00]: Who's the leader in the relationship?
[SPEAKER_00]: What have you observed?
[SPEAKER_00]: And is there other things going against them when they're over there?
[SPEAKER_00]: Like more people that are just like them?
[SPEAKER_00]: and so then it's three against one and it's that realistic.
[SPEAKER_00]: So you have to kind of think about all those things, but you know, let's talk about communication for a second.
[SPEAKER_00]: So, you know, communication is way more than words.
[SPEAKER_00]: You know this, right?
[SPEAKER_00]: I mean, the non-verbals is communicates to people far more than what the verbals are.
[SPEAKER_00]: Here's a little tip.
[SPEAKER_00]: You've got to learn a little bit more as as your kids start getting a little bit older.
[SPEAKER_00]: You can start to see the personalities and kind of their wiring, core wiring and so forth.
[SPEAKER_00]: In some personalities need to pay attention to how they come across around other people in different ways.
[SPEAKER_00]: For example,
[SPEAKER_00]: a more introverted, quiet, kind of person.
[SPEAKER_00]: They might be throwing off a non-verbal signals that are confusing to other people.
[SPEAKER_00]: And so you have to teach them about that and they have to purposely be smiling when their natural state might be not to smile, when they're talking to someone, they have to purposely nod when their natural state of things when they're talking to someone maybe not nodding.
[SPEAKER_00]: I mean, there's a lot of these things you get a teach and then you got the other side, right?
[SPEAKER_00]: You got the really outgoing child.
[SPEAKER_00]: And what do you have to teach them?
[SPEAKER_00]: You have to teach them, maybe, to listen and not talk so much.
[SPEAKER_01]: To be self-controlled.
[SPEAKER_00]: Self-controlled.
[SPEAKER_01]: And to not always exert themselves the way they want to be.
[SPEAKER_00]: In a knowledge what someone just said instead of saying something new and steering the conversation in a different way or cutting someone off and talking about their own idea when someone wasn't finished over a year, you know, a pa-possus is powerful.
[SPEAKER_00]: Certain personalities think a pa-poss is their opportunity to jump on it.
[SPEAKER_00]: And to seize the moment, like we can't allow a pause to exist.
[SPEAKER_00]: That would be too uncomfortable.
[SPEAKER_00]: So I'm going to occupy it with my noise.
[SPEAKER_00]: But other personalities are like, hey, hey, wait a minute.
[SPEAKER_00]: I needed a pause to say my next sentence to think of my next thought, because I processed differently.
[SPEAKER_01]: Well, and it's actually a biblical trait.
[SPEAKER_01]: I mean, yes, people do some people do process differently.
[SPEAKER_01]: They're wired differently.
[SPEAKER_01]: Yeah.
[SPEAKER_01]: And I know that thoughts come to me pretty quick.
[SPEAKER_01]: You usually like a few extra seconds.
[SPEAKER_00]: Yeah.
[SPEAKER_01]: And that's pretty typical of men and women.
[SPEAKER_01]: Also, just even genders, which is true.
[SPEAKER_01]: We know this scientifically.
[SPEAKER_01]: But there's also a scripture that says to be slow to speak and quick to listen and slow to anger, and I think that what's interesting about that slow to anger is at first.
[SPEAKER_01]: I think that if you're quick to speak, you're slow to listen, like you're not listening and you're only thinking in your head while somebody else is talking and then you're talking.
[SPEAKER_01]: then that's what makes people angry.
[SPEAKER_01]: That actually provokes anger potentially, right?
[SPEAKER_01]: It can stir anger.
[SPEAKER_01]: And so I find that like even that verse, it has so much wisdom in my mind when I think about like previous situations, relational situations that you're in, it's like, oh yeah, that's true.
[SPEAKER_01]: Like if you're really quick to speak all the time and you're not taking time to listen, then the other person could potentially get angry.
[SPEAKER_01]: And if you're the one that's on the flip side,
[SPEAKER_01]: And so, but what's the problem?
[SPEAKER_01]: Like, we're doing this episode on teaching social awareness to your kids so that they can lead because we want them to be successfully prepared and equipped for their future, right, for when they launch into your home.
[SPEAKER_01]: But also, this affects today right now.
[SPEAKER_01]: This actually makes their life easier, parents' life easier when they learn truly what it is.
[SPEAKER_01]: It's social, selflessness and status, social, selfishness.
[SPEAKER_01]: which is a human nature issue in all humans, regardless of how they're wired, struggle with selfishness.
[SPEAKER_01]: And so it's just interesting how different people, the symptoms of selfishness will pop up in different ways for different people, right?
[SPEAKER_01]: And so for people who may be tend to be very active or outgoing,
[SPEAKER_01]: They could even potentially say, oh, well, this is just how I'm wired, but the reality is yes, so now you know your temptation to send so work on it.
[SPEAKER_01]: Don't use it as a crutch.
[SPEAKER_01]: Use it as wisdom to understand that you have a big sanctifying journey to not be all about you.
[SPEAKER_01]: And it's actually about other people, and that's a good skill to learn, right?
[SPEAKER_01]: And on the other side for people who may be they tend to be more quiet.
[SPEAKER_01]: their thing is going to be a challenge to actually exert themselves, to try, to be brave, to not be selfish and keeping their thoughts in, but to be brave and actually be a voice in a relationship.
[SPEAKER_00]: Just a side note that it can be very possible that you warp your kids a little bit that, um, because parents, it's just I was feeling a little convicted of those listening, and as parents, sometimes we can be impatient with their children because it takes them,
[SPEAKER_00]: They're still working on their words, they might be in a moment of hyperventilating or in a crying session or something like that.
[SPEAKER_01]: Maybe they're a toddler and they don't speak very much yet.
[SPEAKER_00]: Or even they're older and they're just more introverted and it takes time to get their words out.
[SPEAKER_00]: To have the patience, not cut them off, not feel the void and really draw out of them.
[SPEAKER_00]: You know, if you want to have really open relationship and good communication with the children,
[SPEAKER_00]: they need to feel like you're safe to communicate with and not that you're dangerous as a person.
[SPEAKER_00]: Safe in that that person's going to respect me.
[SPEAKER_00]: That person understands the different we I communicate from them and that person allows space for me to really talk things out in a way that is fruitful for me.
[SPEAKER_00]: And so that's from a parenting perspective, that's just a side note, important thing.
[SPEAKER_01]: Well, now I'm convicted because I'm just even thinking, I mean, I had mentioned like the toddler stage and I'm listening to you sharing about how as parents, like if you're a person that they can listen to and I just even think how from the time that our kids are really young.
[SPEAKER_01]: that's when we start developing that relationship right and and I remember with my first probably four kids I was really like it it's just so fun when they're toddlers and they're learning to talk right and you're trying to figure out what word are they saying what word are they saying
[SPEAKER_01]: But then when you start having, for me, this was my experience, not everybody's experience.
[SPEAKER_01]: When you start having more children and you're trying to hear what they have to say, sometimes you experience older kids speaking for the younger kids because they're not as patient with them or you as a parent or like just spit it out buddy, just spit it out and you're kind of like rushing the process when they actually are just trying to figure out how to say the word.
[SPEAKER_01]: And so then that can kind of warp them in a sense, right?
[SPEAKER_01]: to where they're like, well, everybody else is speaking for me.
[SPEAKER_01]: And so then they just kind of don't have a voice very much.
[SPEAKER_01]: And it's interesting because I have noticed that a lot in bigger families where you'll have one kid that just tends to talk over.
[SPEAKER_01]: And then the other sibling just doesn't, they don't really communicate a lot.
[SPEAKER_01]: And it's not that they don't have thoughts.
[SPEAKER_01]: They're smart.
[SPEAKER_01]: It's that they get, and they're used to being interrupted.
[SPEAKER_01]: They're used to people walking on them, like another sibling walking on them.
[SPEAKER_01]: They're not listening to them.
[SPEAKER_01]: So then they just don't even try anymore.
[SPEAKER_01]: And that's super, super sad.
[SPEAKER_00]: Well, it hurts their identity, hurts their confidence, it hurts their sense of value, it hurts their, you know, relationships, frankly, because they start, they will start to believe that people care less about my words than their words.
[SPEAKER_01]: Yeah, that's super big.
[SPEAKER_01]: Okay so ultimately when we were first we were planning to talk about this podcast we said okay well what's the biggest problem that we're seeing regarding social awareness or emotional IQ people call it emotional intelligence emotional IQ and like for me immediately the first thing I go to is technology that there's this problem that is exasperating
[SPEAKER_01]: The anti-social challenge of young people because they're spending so many hours in front of technology, which is actually pretty anti-social.
[SPEAKER_01]: Some people would argue that social media and platforms like that have provided different avenues for people to be social and to communicate through words through typing.
[SPEAKER_01]: But I would say that it's probably been more harmful than it has been helpful, and this is what I mean.
[SPEAKER_01]: If someone can just go in and leave a comment that's super rude and have zero consequences to an actual personal relationship that they care about, they've just exercised a muscle of being rude to somebody without having any consequences.
[SPEAKER_01]: That's harmful.
[SPEAKER_01]: And then that over and over and over again,
[SPEAKER_00]: Keep word words.
[SPEAKER_01]: Keep word word warriors that'll go in there and they'll just be rude because like and they wouldn't necessarily have the bravery to say that to the person's face if they were sitting at coffee right and so it's like or maybe they would Because they're just used to being rude, but here's the deal like if you're doing that on social media and you're manipulating and you're like using words and using platform and manipulative way then that's like that's super dangerous
[SPEAKER_01]: And so, I do think there's this one of the biggest problems that parents face today is the reality that technology has affected their kids' ability to build healthy social skills.
[SPEAKER_01]: Like, think about when we were a little kids, there wasn't any internet, there wasn't cell phones, there wasn't this selfishness of, oh, I got a text, I got to get back to the person right away or they'll be mad at me if I don't get back to them right away.
[SPEAKER_01]: There was no idiot.
[SPEAKER_00]: The only thing we had was face-to-face communication.
[SPEAKER_01]: that or a phone that was connected to the wall.
[SPEAKER_01]: So if you weren't in your house near your phone to be able to pick it up before the fourth or fifth ring, you didn't get it.
[SPEAKER_00]: That was more of a girl thing.
[SPEAKER_00]: I don't think I respect them really even use the phone because it was really, you didn't use the rotary phone.
[SPEAKER_00]: I mean, a little bit.
[SPEAKER_01]: Oh.
[SPEAKER_00]: Hardly at all.
[SPEAKER_00]: I remember when my parents, I was a teenager and I remember when my parents really long cords so that I could like, I don't remember as a 10-year-old boy pulling the phone off the wall and calling my 10-year-old friend.
[SPEAKER_01]: No, you just showed up at their house on the bike.
[SPEAKER_00]: Yeah.
[SPEAKER_01]: Yeah.
[SPEAKER_01]: Or the order.
[SPEAKER_01]: Well, I did that, I don't know.
[SPEAKER_01]: I don't know what we did.
[SPEAKER_01]: Somebody's house, or we would see each other at school and we'd say, hey, you want to get together and play dolls today, and then it was like, OK, and so then I knew at what time to go over to our house.
[SPEAKER_00]: Yeah.
[SPEAKER_01]: Do you know anything?
[SPEAKER_00]: I'm sure people did it.
[SPEAKER_00]: Maybe I was the weird one.
[SPEAKER_01]: I don't know, maybe, but I think the most people that are like at least in their 40s, 50s and 60s had a very different upbringing that actually was heavily incurred in Facebook.
[SPEAKER_00]: Did you just say that?
[SPEAKER_00]: You just said 40s, 50s and 60s.
[SPEAKER_01]: Well, yeah.
[SPEAKER_00]: When were you born in?
[SPEAKER_01]: I was born in the 70s.
[SPEAKER_01]: Yeah.
[SPEAKER_01]: 79.
[SPEAKER_01]: Okay.
[SPEAKER_01]: Not 40s, 50s, 60s.
[SPEAKER_01]: 40s and 50s.
[SPEAKER_01]: Oh, not in the 40s, 50s and 60s.
[SPEAKER_01]: No, no, no.
[SPEAKER_01]: I mean like age wise.
[SPEAKER_01]: I'm 40s.
[SPEAKER_01]: I'm about to be 47.
[SPEAKER_01]: You're 50.
[SPEAKER_01]: So it's like we're now I've aged us.
[SPEAKER_01]: But no, I think people who are in their 40s, 50s and 60s did not grow up with cell phones in social media or even the internet.
[SPEAKER_01]: And so we didn't spend tons of hours in front of a computer looking at a screen.
[SPEAKER_01]: We spent time writing bikes and playing dolls and playing soccer and kickball and dodgeball and like chalking in the driveway.
[SPEAKER_00]: So we've got three, we got two, keys for you guys.
[SPEAKER_00]: And the first one we wanted to open up the book and give you what social skills are needed.
[SPEAKER_01]: It's rare when a homeschool curriculum works for all different personalities, but when it does, it makes homeschooling children so much easier.
[SPEAKER_01]: In my home, everyone is wired so differently, and for the first time ever, everyone loves and is excelling in math.
[SPEAKER_01]: A year ago, I switched all of my children 10 to 17 to CTC math.
[SPEAKER_01]: The online interface and the way it works makes it easy for everyone to excel and makes progress so much faster.
[SPEAKER_01]: I love them so much we asked them to sponsor this show.
[SPEAKER_01]: Are you ready to take stress out of math?
[SPEAKER_01]: Visit ctcmath.com and start your free trial today.
[SPEAKER_01]: That's ctcmath, the online curriculum that works for everyone.
[SPEAKER_00]: And this is a list from page 163.
[SPEAKER_01]: Yeah.
[SPEAKER_01]: So just to expand upon that, when we wrote courageous parenting, we chose 31 topics that were the most relevant we believe to parents today, to equip their kids for these unprecedented times to be prepared for launching, right?
[SPEAKER_01]: And so we wrote a chapter on social awareness and communication skills because if you want your kids to rise up and to be courageous leaders, they definitely need to have
[SPEAKER_01]: really good social skills, right?
[SPEAKER_01]: Like they need to be able to communicate and conflict, things like that.
[SPEAKER_01]: So here's the little short list of like some of the social skills that could be included.
[SPEAKER_01]: If you have pen and paper, it might be worthy of like writing it down or jotting down what how many minutes into the podcast we are that's what I tend to do when I'm listening to a podcast and I want to remember something.
[SPEAKER_01]: I'm like oh 23 minutes in.
[SPEAKER_01]: But speaking and communicating confidently as one, another is actively listening, asking thoughtful questions, making eye contact, being able to mediate and conflict and facilitate reconciliation, having common social manners.
[SPEAKER_01]: Being aware of an understanding on verbal body language, how to pay attention to timing and communication went whole back and went to say something.
[SPEAKER_01]: Pain attention to the room with an eye towards helping others feel comfortable and engaging those who may feel left out.
[SPEAKER_01]: How about this one?
[SPEAKER_01]: How to share constructive feedback with others in a way that they will listen to it?
[SPEAKER_01]: you know, we could have like put in a ton more of social skills.
[SPEAKER_01]: I also think there's this element of, I mean, we touch not by saying pain attention to the room.
[SPEAKER_01]: Within I am like, you know, how you can help others feel comfortable.
[SPEAKER_01]: But one way that we have described that over the years and taught our kids is what does the room need you to be?
[SPEAKER_01]: Like that is selflessness.
[SPEAKER_01]: It's not that you're, and here's the deal.
[SPEAKER_01]: You know, we all want real honest, authentic,
[SPEAKER_01]: transparent relationships.
[SPEAKER_01]: Okay, that's biblical.
[SPEAKER_01]: But being real, like I feel crummy today, so I'm just going to be grouchy and pouty and make everybody feel bad for me.
[SPEAKER_01]: That's not being real.
[SPEAKER_01]: That's being real and selfish, right?
[SPEAKER_01]: And so like I have arthritis and I have struggled with arthritis for over 17 years and there are certain seasons where it's worse than others.
[SPEAKER_01]: And on those days where I'm really feeling crummy, it would be easy for me to be like to use that as a crutch and say, I don't feel good.
[SPEAKER_01]: That's why I'm irritable.
[SPEAKER_01]: That's why I'm cranky.
[SPEAKER_01]: That's why I'm grumpy.
[SPEAKER_01]: And there have been times where I've had to go and apologize to my kids.
[SPEAKER_01]: and say I'm sorry that I snapped at you or I'm sorry that I wasn't listening and I was kind of grumpy.
[SPEAKER_01]: I'm not feeling good today and I wasn't using it as an excuse.
[SPEAKER_01]: I was fully apologizing but I was also helping them understand why it happened and that it wasn't their fault.
[SPEAKER_01]: And so I would make it go I'm really sorry though buddy like I need to get better at that.
[SPEAKER_01]: I need to be better at communicating and being able to listen even if I'm not feeling the greatest.
[SPEAKER_00]: But often you don't fall into that and you must do yourself up to the point.
[SPEAKER_01]: I mean, yeah, that's the majority of the point.
[SPEAKER_01]: Right.
[SPEAKER_01]: And so I think that that's just one tiny example.
[SPEAKER_01]: Maybe you could think of a time in your life where you weren't feeling physically.
[SPEAKER_01]: Well, or maybe you have a relational conflict and you can't get it out of your mind and it's affecting the way you are with other people, right?
[SPEAKER_01]: And so what we're asking for people to think about is to think less about themselves to stop dwelling on whatever the problem is that's potentially not allowing you to be your best version of yourself with other people and realize like in this moment what is this room need for me?
[SPEAKER_01]: This room needs leadership.
[SPEAKER_01]: These people need to feel that I love them.
[SPEAKER_01]: These people need to know like because here's the deal like if you're mad at somebody and you're at let's just say you're at church and you're upset with your husband or something.
[SPEAKER_01]: And you start talking to someone else and they can tell that you're off because you've got that in the back your head that you still are mad at your husband or I don't know.
[SPEAKER_01]: And
[SPEAKER_01]: And then clearly you're allowing that thing to make other people potentially think that you're mad at them, right?
[SPEAKER_01]: Because they're like, wow, she's just off.
[SPEAKER_01]: Like, as she mad at me, is there something weird here?
[SPEAKER_00]: I think you hit something really important.
[SPEAKER_00]: And this is a characteristic of a leader, actually.
[SPEAKER_00]: And so, do you know what I mean?
[SPEAKER_00]: I think that's what's with that is what we've talked about in the beginning is you want your children to be leaders.
[SPEAKER_00]: And so leaders do assess before they even go into a room or go into a conversation or walk up to somebody.
[SPEAKER_00]: They are often, not perfectly, but often thinking about.
[SPEAKER_00]: Okay, you know, you know, how do I need to like get my energy up or you know, so that I can be more on purpose in this relationship or more helpful to the people in the room or You know, what is what is what is needed right here?
[SPEAKER_00]: What's what is the atmosphere need?
[SPEAKER_00]: How can I contribute to make it even better so that people are having more fun or people are
[SPEAKER_00]: learning more, or people are connecting, making stronger relationships with each other.
[SPEAKER_01]: We're so that I don't make people feel bad and thinking that I don't like them more than I'm mad about them.
[SPEAKER_01]: When reality I just don't feel good.
[SPEAKER_00]: Back in the day, when I was younger, I was running something where we worked with lots of college students, and we were teaching college students this constantly, because I was constantly in the leadership development space and teaching young people to do pretty big things actually.
[SPEAKER_00]: And, and I was constantly teaching them this very principle of you've got to, you know, not be selfish, but instead look at what people need from you and don't change who you are, be real, be transparent, but understand that in leadership and influence, you're also paying attention to that version of yourself that is going to help other people.
[SPEAKER_01]: So how would that look that in with my example that I just gave?
[SPEAKER_01]: Here is a perfect way of how it looks to be real, but also not allow what you're feeling to consume you to where it's affecting other people and your ability to lead them.
[SPEAKER_01]: So if I'm not feeling good and someone was to say, hey, how are you?
[SPEAKER_01]: I could be real in transparency, actually my back really hurts today, but I'm doing okay, how are you doing?
[SPEAKER_01]: Then they're like, oh wow, she was honest with me.
[SPEAKER_01]: And she's caring about me.
[SPEAKER_01]: She still had self-control to smile at me and make eye contact.
[SPEAKER_01]: I still feel loved by her.
[SPEAKER_01]: That's right.
[SPEAKER_01]: This is someone who's not feeling good and they're just like this.
[SPEAKER_01]: Unapproachable, kind of cranky, eye contact, maybe a little scowl to where people don't really want to talk to you, but if they do talk to you, you're like, yeah, because you just don't feel good.
[SPEAKER_01]: And so there's this need for us to teach our kids this skill.
[SPEAKER_01]: It's you can be real with people, but you also are challenged to not
[SPEAKER_01]: like your way of being needs to have self-control.
[SPEAKER_01]: You can have self-control over your facial expressions, over your tone, over what you say to people, over if you have eye contact, and really what that is, is it's self-control over your nature to desire to be all about yourself, and to choose to be about other people, which is servant-hearted.
[SPEAKER_01]: And so I think that at the end of the day, this element of like, what is emotional intelligence and IQ and social awareness?
[SPEAKER_01]: There's another word for it would be like, social etiquette, right?
[SPEAKER_01]: Like not interrupting manners.
[SPEAKER_01]: There's a whole bunch of other things that we talk about in the book that goes into these kinds of things.
[SPEAKER_01]: Where, yeah, it does actually start when your kids are little, but you can teach it when they're older too.
[SPEAKER_01]: And here's the thing, being a mom of nine kids, it's something that you have to remind them of.
[SPEAKER_01]: And it's something you have to remind yourself of because you are still human and you're going to be tempted to be selfish in those moments also.
[SPEAKER_00]: Let's face it.
[SPEAKER_00]: If we were always talking about the things that aren't going right in our lives, how much fun would we be to be around?
[SPEAKER_00]: How much fun would other people be having being around us?
[SPEAKER_00]: How would it help other people that may be having even worse challenges than we are?
[SPEAKER_00]: If we're just commiserating constantly, always about our challenges.
[SPEAKER_00]: And what is the Bible says?
[SPEAKER_00]: Have joy and all circumstances.
[SPEAKER_00]: So our joy needs to come out.
[SPEAKER_00]: We can be real about our circumstances.
[SPEAKER_00]: That can be encouraging to other people.
[SPEAKER_00]: But at the same time, we need to be joyful.
[SPEAKER_00]: and engaged and not just getting all the focus on herself.
[SPEAKER_01]: So, well, we have a couple of verses that we want to share with you guys too, because this is not just an Isaac and Angie idea, social awareness, emotional IQ, you're not going to find those terms in the Bible, but you are going to find a lot of scripture on selflessness.
[SPEAKER_01]: You're going to find scripture that is reflective of not being selfish, but of being humble in mind and thinking of others and loving other people as yourself.
[SPEAKER_01]: I mean, the Bible even says that all the commandments can be summed up in this that you love your neighbor as yourself.
[SPEAKER_01]: How do you do that?
[SPEAKER_01]: Well, you don't think about yourself and you put other people first because that's really what everybody wants, including you.
[SPEAKER_01]: right?
[SPEAKER_01]: And so Philippians 2-1 through 4 is a perfect example.
[SPEAKER_01]: It says so if there's any encouragement in Christ, any comfort from love, any participation in the spirit, any affection, any sympathy, complete my joy by being of the same mind.
[SPEAKER_01]: First, I just want to stop there for a second.
[SPEAKER_01]: How can you be of the same mind if you're not actively listening to other people's minds?
[SPEAKER_01]: you can't be of sound mind.
[SPEAKER_01]: You can't be of same mind.
[SPEAKER_01]: You can't be in agreement if you're constantly while somebody else is talking, thinking in your head your own thoughts, right?
[SPEAKER_01]: Actively listening is suspending your thinking to fully hear what they're saying and then you process and then you take a turn.
[SPEAKER_01]: It's actually about taking turns.
[SPEAKER_01]: It's given, take, it's not just go, go, go, go, go.
[SPEAKER_01]: So here's the rest of that scripture.
[SPEAKER_01]: It says, having the same love, so being of the same mind, having the same love, being in full accord and of one mind.
[SPEAKER_01]: Again, that is like, you can't be of one mind unless there's good communication, right?
[SPEAKER_01]: So do nothing from selfish ambition or conceit.
[SPEAKER_01]: There we go.
[SPEAKER_01]: But in humility count others more significant than yourselves.
[SPEAKER_01]: Here's the next verse verse 4.
[SPEAKER_01]: Let each of you look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others.
[SPEAKER_01]: And it just continues, this is what God calls all Christians to be and do.
[SPEAKER_01]: And so this is what we're striving for.
[SPEAKER_01]: This is what our kids should be striving for.
[SPEAKER_01]: This is probably one of the most significant passages of scripture for children to memorize, to be constantly going back to, actually.
[SPEAKER_01]: There's another one that's in 1 Corinthians 10, 24.
[SPEAKER_01]: It says, let no one seek his own good, but the good of his neighbor.
[SPEAKER_01]: And so if you're in a room, or maybe not a room, maybe you're in a soccer team, and you're a really good player.
[SPEAKER_01]: This would be a perfect example for some boys.
[SPEAKER_01]: and let's say that they're really good at playing soccer, they're really good at what they're doing, and they could easily just run the ball and make a goal.
[SPEAKER_01]: No big deal, and then the team would win.
[SPEAKER_01]: But then they see the person that's not going to assert themselves, but they believe in them to have skill, and they know they have skill, and they instead choose to be selfless, and instead of taking the glory, they pass the ball to their teammate, and then their teammate scores and the team wins.
[SPEAKER_01]: see here's the deal that takes selflessness on multiple levels.
[SPEAKER_01]: It's called being a team player, right?
[SPEAKER_01]: And so this is one aspect of where sports doing something as a team can be really beneficial because you can really hone in on like are you a selfish player or are you actually a team member?
[SPEAKER_00]: That's how to do with communication too, which is what if you already know what someone's talking to you about.
[SPEAKER_00]: and you jump in and just kind of affirm quickly that you know it, but then they are, they don't even finish talking about it.
[SPEAKER_00]: So these are, this is the same kind of concept in communication is that we have to be patient, long-suffering, listening, engaging, not making people feel lower than you but making them feel great.
[SPEAKER_00]: You know, not higher either.
[SPEAKER_00]: There shouldn't be anything like that.
[SPEAKER_00]: But sometimes the way people communicate can make someone feel less than or more than, too.
[SPEAKER_00]: You actually, you actually could puff people up in the wrong way, too.
[SPEAKER_00]: So you have to be careful that.
[SPEAKER_01]: So we shared a couple of scriptures with you that you could use to disciple your children on the way of thinking about being more selfless, being not choosing, not to be self-fish, which applies to kids everywhere, every age, every wiring that exists.
[SPEAKER_01]: But how do you teach
[SPEAKER_01]: You know, emotional IQ.
[SPEAKER_01]: How do you teach this like social etiquette, social manner, social awareness?
[SPEAKER_01]: Because those are all slightly different things, but they also kind of go in the same category.
[SPEAKER_01]: But I do think that there's the element of like first verbally teaching, right?
[SPEAKER_01]: So that would be like an obvious.
[SPEAKER_01]: If you haven't sat down and had a natural conversation with your kids and then been consistent and reminding them.
[SPEAKER_01]: So
[SPEAKER_01]: like little kids that are ages four to seven.
[SPEAKER_01]: I feel like they're in this boot camp of learning what it means to not interrupt.
[SPEAKER_01]: I'm sure you guys remember those days, right?
[SPEAKER_01]: And so being consistent, having a plan, teaching them what you expect of them so that they're not practicing being selfish.
[SPEAKER_01]: We have this little plan where it's like, okay, just put your hand on mommy shoulder and just wait if I'm talking to somebody or hold my hand and just squeeze my hand and I feel that and I'll squeeze their hand back or I'll give them a little one for a one minute.
[SPEAKER_01]: so that they see that I am acknowledging you're there, I see you, I'm going to finish listening to so-and-so, or I'm going to finish my sentence, and then I'll ask you what you want.
[SPEAKER_01]: And but here's the deal, that only works if you've actually roleplayed at home and you've taught them verbally what to expect and you have a plan.
[SPEAKER_01]: And so I think, but then there's also this element as they get older, it's like, how do you know why it's not important?
[SPEAKER_01]: to why it's so important not to interrupt you know and teaching them what the Bible says teaching them how it makes other people feel that they feel disrespected things like that is super important but then practice like putting them in I would say the second thing other than teaching them is then practicing like let them be in situations where they have to practice it.
[SPEAKER_00]: And I would say anchor when you see them doing things well.
[SPEAKER_00]: Anchoring things is to say, wow, I really like how you encouraged her in the words you chose.
[SPEAKER_00]: I really like that you said this versus this.
[SPEAKER_00]: Sometimes we feel like saying this, but you chose a higher ground right there and you said this, acknowledging it.
[SPEAKER_00]: So anchoring the good things that you want repeated when you acknowledge things that they do well, they want to repeat them.
[SPEAKER_00]: And so here's an acronym called Act.
[SPEAKER_00]: you correct what's bad and when you correct what's bad, you teach them the better way.
[SPEAKER_00]: Act, anchor, create, teach.
[SPEAKER_00]: And so if you just remember that, okay, what moment am I in right now?
[SPEAKER_00]: Do I need is this a teaching moment?
[SPEAKER_00]: We'll probably need it first correct, a better way to do it and then teach them or what happened that's not as effective and then teach them the right way.
[SPEAKER_00]: And then some other time there might be a moment where they do something right and you're like you're anchoring that as good behavior and good good communication and good communication skills I really like how you did this.
[SPEAKER_00]: This as they get older they'll replay conversations with us sometimes when they get home or something like that and and then we can anchor good things they did there too Of course it's just one side it's just their opinion about things or if they got in a pickle
[SPEAKER_00]: on something we can coach them on ways they can communicate better about that or could have been more helpful to the people that are having a situation or a conflict and things like that.
[SPEAKER_00]: And so that coaching, situational coaching, by having conversations afterwards, that takes late nights though.
[SPEAKER_01]: Well, I mean, not always.
[SPEAKER_01]: I mean, if you have little kids, you can still do the situational coaching with them in regards to, and that would be role-playing.
[SPEAKER_01]: It's like, it literally just happened.
[SPEAKER_01]: Let's say it's 10 a.m. and there was a bad situation where someone wasn't sharing and it was like, buddy, how could you have done that better?
[SPEAKER_01]: And if they come up with the idea themselves that yeah, I should have done that better, then that's how it's anchored.
[SPEAKER_01]: What we found over the years is that if something is an individual's idea, they're more likely to follow through with it.
[SPEAKER_01]: They're more likely to remember it because they think that it was their idea.
[SPEAKER_01]: I mean, their brain literally came to the conclusion themselves.
[SPEAKER_01]: So as parents, one of the things that we do a lot is as the kids, well, how could you have done that better?
[SPEAKER_01]: How could you have said that better?
[SPEAKER_01]: How could you, how could that play out differently?
[SPEAKER_01]: And that gets them thinking about different scenarios, which helps them to go, yeah, okay, I understand that I had a part in this not going super well.
[SPEAKER_01]: I could have done this and this would have led the group better, right?
[SPEAKER_01]: And then they do it differently the next time.
[SPEAKER_00]: Here's a big warning, is that, do not blame their lack of
[SPEAKER_00]: good communication skills on the personality, don't do not blame a lack of good relationship building in communication on their condition, whatever you think their condition is, okay?
[SPEAKER_00]: We have to be very careful that we have to expect them to be able to learn how to communicate
[SPEAKER_00]: even if it is truly harder for them for some condition or something like that or personality maybe they're super extrovert and they're young and these things we need to teach them.
[SPEAKER_00]: We need to believe that even though they have this bend this way or this condition that way that they can become really good communicators and the truth is sometimes people that
[SPEAKER_00]: and you have to believe that.
[SPEAKER_00]: If the parents don't believe that, you're not gonna be the one that helps them get through it.
[SPEAKER_00]: And if you don't help them get through it, probably nobody's gonna.
[SPEAKER_01]: the way that they're wired.
[SPEAKER_01]: They're less likely to speak up or whatever, but but honestly, I have to look at that and go, well, why is that?
[SPEAKER_01]: Right?
[SPEAKER_01]: Have they been warped by a sibling?
[SPEAKER_01]: Have they been warped by a parent?
[SPEAKER_01]: Have they been?
[SPEAKER_01]: You don't any mean?
[SPEAKER_01]: From their their life situation, their circumstances, was there some trauma in their life or something that like caused them to just not be confident and speaking their mind, and voicing their opinion and saying something?
[SPEAKER_00]: I was certainly like that.
[SPEAKER_00]: If someone didn't ask me a direct question, I didn't talk
[SPEAKER_01]: Yeah.
[SPEAKER_00]: And how often do people ask direct questions?
[SPEAKER_01]: I mean, honestly, most people in the world are very selfish and they only think about themselves.
[SPEAKER_01]: So they don't ask other people questions very often.
[SPEAKER_01]: They just tell people things.
[SPEAKER_01]: And we have to be aware.
[SPEAKER_01]: We have to think about ourselves and in the sense from an audit, evaluation perspective.
[SPEAKER_01]: Do I do this or do I pull out what's good in other people?
[SPEAKER_01]: and I think that that ultimately that is part of social awareness.
[SPEAKER_01]: That's part of that emotional IQ, right, is being able to pull out the best and other people and it not always have to be, you know, you.
[SPEAKER_01]: And so I think that there's there's a courageous parenting challenge, and at the end of every book, we have a bunch of different questions.
[SPEAKER_01]: We have,
[SPEAKER_01]: Every chapter has parenting questions.
[SPEAKER_01]: It has a courageous parenting challenge.
[SPEAKER_01]: Most of the chapters also have extra podcast episodes So if we were to rewrite the book, we'd be putting this episode in this chapter and that's yours revision.
[SPEAKER_01]: That's right.
[SPEAKER_01]: But I want to read some of them to you because a lot of times, you know, it's interesting I was just listening to a podcast that someone did where they were evaluating a book and they said, oh, the parent, they said, oh, the questions and the book were really good and they were surprised by that because most of the questions and the books that they read are not very good and I was like, oh, man, I love the questions and our book because our goal is to actually get people to be thinking about specific changes that they could make that are going to reap a reward and a fruit.
[SPEAKER_01]: So here are some of the parenting questions.
[SPEAKER_01]: Do you value your children's opinion and invite them into your discussions when appropriate?
[SPEAKER_01]: Because that helps them to be able to learn healthy communication in adult settings, right?
[SPEAKER_01]: How about this one?
[SPEAKER_01]: Are you in a community or cultivating a community where people value talking with your child or do they just brush them aside because they're young?
[SPEAKER_01]: age, age segregation.
[SPEAKER_01]: It's not God's design and it actually limits and I believe paralyzes children from growing in their ability to be socially aware.
[SPEAKER_01]: And so while it's usually the older generation that's condemning the younger generation for not valuing them or not being able to communicate, it's partially their fault also for not valuing them.
[SPEAKER_00]: If you have mostly all the same age communicating with each other,
[SPEAKER_00]: They're all staying kind of in the same level of communication ability, but if you have older people communicating with younger people, it's helping those younger people rise up naturally by the different ways of communicating.
[SPEAKER_01]: So let me just explain to you how does this question and the courageous parenting book create or cultivate some potential growth?
[SPEAKER_01]: Well now that I just asked you about your community, cultivating community, are you in community with adults that value talking to your child?
[SPEAKER_01]: You might start evaluating those relationships and go actually all of the older people that we spend time with ignore my kids.
[SPEAKER_01]: They only want to talk to me.
[SPEAKER_01]: Or, oh, maybe I am not good at talking to kids and valuing kids and spending time with kids.
[SPEAKER_01]: And it's like, okay, so you as the adult who are aware of this now, you be the change.
[SPEAKER_01]: You start valuing other people's kids and lead the way in what that looks like.
[SPEAKER_01]: And if they don't catch on, bring it up.
[SPEAKER_01]: If they still don't catch on, maybe start looking for some people who do have that same value of wanting to be able to connect and pour into the next generation and value your kids.
[SPEAKER_00]: You know, as a pastor, I recently got convicted that I don't know all of the kids' names in the church.
[SPEAKER_00]: And there's this wonderful family in the wonderful names and I just couldn't get all the names, right?
[SPEAKER_00]: And so I had him text me the list of names and just so I could get him down, I haven't down now in seven, seven, seven of those children.
[SPEAKER_00]: And I'm going to keep doing that with some of the other guys until I just keep getting all the names down because I think what are the most important names that a pastor knows in a church is that the children
[SPEAKER_01]: Wow, that's a big deal.
[SPEAKER_00]: That's the conviction I recently had and I'm like, yeah.
[SPEAKER_00]: Wow, that's a new level of opportunity and growth for me.
[SPEAKER_01]: You know, it's interesting this last Sunday at church.
[SPEAKER_01]: We had devoted mothers, which is our Titus two, teaching the younger moms on different topics and we were talking about sibling relationships.
[SPEAKER_01]: It was,
[SPEAKER_01]: fire.
[SPEAKER_01]: It was so, so good.
[SPEAKER_01]: But then after that, all the rest of the church people that had stayed for the fellowship fun time.
[SPEAKER_01]: We're playing Spike Ball, volleyball, all the things.
[SPEAKER_01]: And so I go over and one of the couples said, hey, you and Isaac, you want to play Spike Ball and you weren't feeling so good, so then Sean joined in and we were playing Spike Ball, I hadn't played in years and it was super fun.
[SPEAKER_01]: But immediately after that game,
[SPEAKER_01]: Zander wanted my, he was five years old and there's like four or five little kids are all the same age.
[SPEAKER_01]: They're within like a month of each other.
[SPEAKER_01]: It's super fun.
[SPEAKER_01]: They're all boys.
[SPEAKER_01]: They're all about the same high, same skill level and he comes over to his mom.
[SPEAKER_01]: I want to play spike ball who can I play with.
[SPEAKER_01]: And then there was a sweet.
[SPEAKER_01]: I think 11 year old boy Travis who wanted to, he was like, oh, help and he'll play and then another little five year old comes over and so I'm playing with them for a while.
[SPEAKER_01]: We just decided instead of playing like let's teach them.
[SPEAKER_01]: had a play spike ball.
[SPEAKER_01]: Let's teach him how to serve.
[SPEAKER_01]: Let's teach him how to set.
[SPEAKER_01]: And so we're spending time and then I all of a sudden then heat one of them takes off and then another.
[SPEAKER_01]: So I'm there with like three little five-year-old boys, four to five-year-old boys.
[SPEAKER_01]: And we played for, I don't even know how long, maybe 35, 40 minutes and it's high-fiving, good job.
[SPEAKER_01]: Try it this way.
[SPEAKER_01]: Try again.
[SPEAKER_01]: Okay, your turn.
[SPEAKER_01]: Now it's your turn.
[SPEAKER_01]: and just spent that time with them and it was super sweet because I got a text from one of the moms later saying that meant so much, though my son.
[SPEAKER_01]: Thank you so much.
[SPEAKER_01]: But but I have to tell you a little secret that in my mind while I was doing it and I would just kind of glance over every now again.
[SPEAKER_01]: I'd see all the moms talking together under the tent where the swamp cooler is and I'm like,
[SPEAKER_01]: hot, I'm wanting to be over there, have a little phomo, I'm thirsty, but I see these little five-year-olds in front of me and I think to myself, if I want to influence them in the future, I have to build relationship now and that was why I stayed at that spike on that.
[SPEAKER_01]: And so that is, again, modeling for other people, a social awareness.
[SPEAKER_01]: That is leadership.
[SPEAKER_01]: And I'm not saying that to impress you, I'm like it's not impressive to just spend some time with some four-year-olds.
[SPEAKER_01]: It's about building relationships and acknowledging that every person is valuable.
[SPEAKER_01]: It's about literally living out what you believe, right?
[SPEAKER_01]: And so sometimes you have to step away from something that you might think is more important.
[SPEAKER_01]: It might feel more important to mentor and talk to those other adult moms, because then they're going to impact their kids.
[SPEAKER_01]: Yes, that's important.
[SPEAKER_01]: with three four-year-olds, five-year-olds, and connecting with them, and yes, knowing their name, high-fiving them, teaching them, encouraging them, because they are the future leaders of our church, actually.
[SPEAKER_01]: They are the future leaders.
[SPEAKER_01]: They're literally going to grow up.
[SPEAKER_01]: They're going to launch, who knows where God's going to take them, but if we value them, then we're helping them to grow in their ability to be a teammate, to be able to practice.
[SPEAKER_01]: like a basic skill and communicating around a silly round net.
[SPEAKER_01]: And I just think that there's so many opportunities that we have that we just overlook in the moment, but I needed to give myself purpose.
[SPEAKER_01]: And so I thought to myself, I'm building relationships that are necessary for tomorrow today.
[SPEAKER_00]: So... Well hey, get the courageous parenting book on Amazon.
[SPEAKER_00]: We hope that episode was helpful to you.
[SPEAKER_00]: You know, if you love it, share it.
[SPEAKER_00]: Thanks for joining us.