[SPEAKER_00]: you can be married for 30 years and still feel lonely with the person sleeping next to you.
[SPEAKER_00]: If this is or has been you, what you've actually been missing isn't more time together, more sex or more communication.
[SPEAKER_00]: You're missing emotional intimacy.
[SPEAKER_00]: Today, I'm walking you through what emotional intimacy really is.
[SPEAKER_00]: The four things people confuse it with, why it's so hard to build,
[SPEAKER_00]: And the four building blocks that make it real, and of course, I'm going to show you exactly how to start practicing each one of those building blocks.
[SPEAKER_00]: So stay tuned.
[SPEAKER_00]: Welcome to the Relationships Made Easy Podcast, where I give you the exact steps to create connection, joy, and ease in all your relationships, whether it's with your partner, your family, your friends, or most importantly yourself.
[SPEAKER_00]: I'm Dr. Abby Medkath, psychologist, bestselling author, TEDx, speaker, and the bossy Jewish mom you didn't know you needed.
[SPEAKER_00]: Each week you'll get no nonsense, research back strategies, serve with humor and love, so you can stop second-guessing yourself and start having the relationships you deserve.
[SPEAKER_00]: You'll always leave knowing exactly what to say and do to shift your relationships for the better.
[SPEAKER_00]: So let's get to it.
[SPEAKER_00]: Welcome back to the relationships made easy podcast.
[SPEAKER_00]: I started this podcast in July of 2018, not knowing a pandemic was ahead, which would blow us out of the stratosphere.
[SPEAKER_00]: Here we are in all my seasons or a year, millions of downloads in over 190 countries.
[SPEAKER_00]: I'm going to start crying before it starts.
[SPEAKER_00]: Thank you.
[SPEAKER_00]: I'll say a few words at the very end, but you know, I love you.
[SPEAKER_00]: Thanks for being here with me.
[SPEAKER_00]: I very purposefully picked this as the last episode of the season, because
[SPEAKER_00]: I think it's what we're all looking for.
[SPEAKER_00]: I think at the end of the day, this is it.
[SPEAKER_00]: We're looking for emotional intimacy.
[SPEAKER_00]: And I want to be clear that this isn't just, you can have emotional intimacy in non-romantic relationships.
[SPEAKER_00]: Of course, you know, with your children, with your parents, with your siblings, with your friends, you know, because of what true
[SPEAKER_00]: Um, and I'm gonna focus a lot today on love relationships I am, like, you know, kind of like your partner, like I talked about in the intro, but I do want you to listen even if you're single with an ear to all of your relationships.
[SPEAKER_00]: So let's start.
[SPEAKER_00]: What is emotional intimacy really?
[SPEAKER_00]: is a mess, at least you're in the United States.
[SPEAKER_00]: People use it interchangeably all the time with romantic chemistry, with sexual closeness, deep conversations, a lot of texting, or just liking each other a lot.
[SPEAKER_00]: And none of those is emotional intimacy.
[SPEAKER_00]: Emotional intimacy is a specific
[SPEAKER_00]: psychological process that has been researched.
[SPEAKER_00]: Yes, and I think the two I see the most these researchers Harry Reese and Philip Shaver, they developed what they called the intimacy
[SPEAKER_00]: process model way back in 1988.
[SPEAKER_00]: And I think decades later, it still holds up.
[SPEAKER_00]: So that's pretty impressive.
[SPEAKER_00]: Their model says that emotional intimacy happens when one person discloses something meaningful about their inner experience and the other person responds with understanding, validation and care.
[SPEAKER_00]: both have matter here.
[SPEAKER_00]: So you can't have emotional intimacy if it's one way, is one of the biggest pieces to get out of that.
[SPEAKER_00]: Disclosure without responsive listening, doesn't create intimacy.
[SPEAKER_00]: So you can, you know, you can be on a first date.
[SPEAKER_00]: That's why it's not emotional intimacy.
[SPEAKER_00]: If you're on a first date and the person sort of dumps their entire life.
[SPEAKER_00]: So they could be sharing some really deep stuff.
[SPEAKER_00]: And you could be kind of listening and giving something back, but you don't have enough structure there yet.
[SPEAKER_00]: You don't have enough background.
[SPEAKER_00]: You don't have enough closeness, enough experience with this person, to truly have understanding.
[SPEAKER_00]: and validation and really care you just met them because you can't really validate someone that you don't know like you know some of my dump all this stuff on you the first date and you're like oh that's amazing wow we're so close and then you find out later that you know they're a little crazy and you so you weren't listening with understanding because you didn't understand them yet right I so I really have to say that there needs to be some history there needs to be some experience with this person in different
[SPEAKER_00]: ways in different types of settings, that's how you get this because that's how you can truly validate someone or truly understand someone is if you've really gotten to know them over time.
[SPEAKER_00]: So, you know, if they're talking to you or you're talking to them without so the responsive listening, that's a monologue.
[SPEAKER_00]: That's what that is.
[SPEAKER_00]: Listening without ever sharing your own inner world.
[SPEAKER_00]: doesn't create intimacy either.
[SPEAKER_00]: Want to say that?
[SPEAKER_00]: So that's a therapy session, all right?
[SPEAKER_00]: So there's a lot of things here that are not intimacy.
[SPEAKER_00]: And it's very clear what it is.
[SPEAKER_00]: And so let me just say, as so simpler way to say, everything I'm just saying is that emotional intimacy to me is what happens when two people consistently, consistently, over time, show each other who they really are and respond to each other in ways that feel safe.
[SPEAKER_00]: That's it.
[SPEAKER_00]: It's not magical, it's not mysterious, it's a really specific process you can name, you can practice, and you can build.
[SPEAKER_00]: That's what we're looking for.
[SPEAKER_00]: Now, before we go further, I'm gonna have a supporter.
[SPEAKER_00]: Believe it or not, I get hydrated before we talk.
[SPEAKER_00]: You know, I do a little work before I sit here and record, but I still sometimes get a little parched.
[SPEAKER_00]: All right, so,
[SPEAKER_00]: If you're, let me say this first.
[SPEAKER_00]: If you're sitting there wondering, where are you in your partner stand on this?
[SPEAKER_00]: I do have a great free download today, called the Emotional Intimacy audit.
[SPEAKER_00]: It's like a little, you know, I try to make these things quick.
[SPEAKER_00]: It's a little quick score card that'll show you where you're really building intimacy and where you've been maybe mistaking proximity for closeness.
[SPEAKER_00]: So again, at the end, I'll tell you all about that.
[SPEAKER_00]: I have an amazing therapy to go bundle.
[SPEAKER_00]: We'll talk about that at the very end.
[SPEAKER_00]: But I wanted to give you a heads up.
[SPEAKER_00]: Also, for any of my new listeners, if you're new, well, in the last episode of the season, please know that anytime I mentioned the downloads or research or anything else, you can find all of that below the video.
[SPEAKER_00]: If you're watching me here on YouTube, I should say here on YouTube, I'm sitting here on my office.
[SPEAKER_00]: If you're watching on YouTube, or you can find it, I write a full blog for every single episode.
[SPEAKER_00]: It's not a transcript, it's full blog, and it's on my website at mkf.com.
[SPEAKER_00]: Just go to this episode.
[SPEAKER_00]: You can find all the goodies, all the resources, everything you need.
[SPEAKER_00]: So let's talk about the four things people confuse with emotional intimacy, right?
[SPEAKER_00]: I don't want to go any farther without naming
[SPEAKER_00]: I guess it's the four things emotional intimacy is not.
[SPEAKER_00]: I think that's what I'm saying.
[SPEAKER_00]: Because I see these confusions so over and over with my clients, even with friends, so knowing what something isn't to me is half the work of building it.
[SPEAKER_00]: So, emotional intimacy is not number one.
[SPEAKER_00]: It is not physical intimacy.
[SPEAKER_00]: You can have an active sex life with someone you don't actually know, you can.
[SPEAKER_00]: many couples do which is why you know sex therapists can be busy sex without emotional intimacy
[SPEAKER_00]: is sex.
[SPEAKER_00]: It's not necessarily bad.
[SPEAKER_00]: It's just, it's just not the same thing.
[SPEAKER_00]: Okay.
[SPEAKER_00]: Number two is communication frequency is not emotional intimacy.
[SPEAKER_00]: They couple texting each other 30 times a day.
[SPEAKER_00]: Well, you first of all, you might be just sharing pure logistics.
[SPEAKER_00]: You know, pick up the male kid as a fever, what time you be home, you know, what's for dinner?
[SPEAKER_00]: No, that is emotional intimacy.
[SPEAKER_00]: The volume of words isn't the metric.
[SPEAKER_00]: The quality of disclosure is, and I would tell you that texting doesn't create intimacy no matter what is shared via text.
[SPEAKER_00]: I, oh, I know you're gonna come from me now.
[SPEAKER_00]: I'm gonna hear something in the comments now.
[SPEAKER_00]: It's not just just stop with it.
[SPEAKER_00]: Don't get me started.
[SPEAKER_00]: Actually, I'll talk about texting later, but anyway.
[SPEAKER_00]: Number three is shared activities is not intimacy.
[SPEAKER_00]: You can hike together, travel together, raise kids together for decades, and never let your partner see who you really are.
[SPEAKER_00]: Activities aren't the test, right?
[SPEAKER_00]: Even if
[SPEAKER_00]: they create opportunities for connection, which is great, but they're not the test.
[SPEAKER_00]: And number four is romantic intensity.
[SPEAKER_00]: The dopamine high of early dating, the, you know, can't stop thinking about the obsession.
[SPEAKER_00]: That's not emotional intimacy.
[SPEAKER_00]: That's neurochemistry doing its job.
[SPEAKER_00]: Emotional intimacy is what couples build instead of intensity once that initial chemical wave passes,
[SPEAKER_00]: but instead of, and confusing those two to me is one of the biggest reasons people panic when the early kind of high fades, you know, that early high of being in love fades, they think love is dying when actually they're standing, you know, truly at the doorway of where real intimacy could begin.
[SPEAKER_00]: Now we're getting to the real to the goods, right?
[SPEAKER_00]: Now we're getting to the real stuff.
[SPEAKER_00]: is emotional intimacy so hard to build, is sort of the natural next question.
[SPEAKER_00]: And I think here's the truth, that most relationship advice skips over.
[SPEAKER_00]: emotional intimacy requires safety.
[SPEAKER_00]: And you likely didn't grow up with safety.
[SPEAKER_00]: I say that would love.
[SPEAKER_00]: It's not your fault.
[SPEAKER_00]: And it's not a fixed identity.
[SPEAKER_00]: It's a starting point.
[SPEAKER_00]: You got a name honestly to be able to move forward, okay?
[SPEAKER_00]: And you know my buddy, Stephen Porgias, I don't really know him.
[SPEAKER_00]: I just talk about him all the time.
[SPEAKER_00]: You know, the poly his polyvagal theory tells us
[SPEAKER_00]: really something essential here.
[SPEAKER_00]: I know I mentioned Polyvagal Theory all the time, if you're a long time listener.
[SPEAKER_00]: You probably knew it was coming, but anyway, your nervous system has different states.
[SPEAKER_00]: And I've said this in many times over a few podcasts, it always bears repeating.
[SPEAKER_00]: Your nervous system has different states.
[SPEAKER_00]: This is what Polyvagal
[SPEAKER_00]: When something called your ventral vagal system is online, that's when you feel safe.
[SPEAKER_00]: You feel safe enough to open up, to share, to listen, to receive.
[SPEAKER_00]: That's the state where emotional intimacy can happen.
[SPEAKER_00]: That's the only state where it can happen.
[SPEAKER_00]: When your nervous system is in sympathetic activation,
[SPEAKER_00]: That's when you're braced for something to go wrong, right?
[SPEAKER_00]: Fight or flight.
[SPEAKER_00]: When it's in a dorsal shutdown, that's another state.
[SPEAKER_00]: You've got, that's when you go numb.
[SPEAKER_00]: That's when you disconnect, dissociate.
[SPEAKER_00]: You go numb to protect yourself.
[SPEAKER_00]: And we think of this as the freeze or submit response, right?
[SPEAKER_00]: Neither of those states allows for intimacy.
[SPEAKER_00]: Okay, none of those, your body literally won't let you be vulnerable when it doesn't feel safe.
[SPEAKER_00]: It's not going to do it.
[SPEAKER_00]: And when you layer, you know, attachment theory, attachment science on top of that, we really have something to talk about.
[SPEAKER_00]: Because if you grew up with caregivers who are emotionally inconsistent or dismissive or overwhelming or unsafe or are nervous themselves, your nervous system learned vulnerability was risky.
[SPEAKER_00]: You learned, of course, to hide what you actually felt.
[SPEAKER_00]: You might be in a performer, a chameleon, someone who is really good at reading other people's moods,
[SPEAKER_00]: way better than your own.
[SPEAKER_00]: You know, not even registering your own moods and feelings.
[SPEAKER_00]: Those skills served you as a kid.
[SPEAKER_00]: They did.
[SPEAKER_00]: They were survival skills and they served you.
[SPEAKER_00]: But as an adult,
[SPEAKER_00]: who's, I hope, trying to build emotional intimacy, they're exactly the things that have to change.
[SPEAKER_00]: They've got to change.
[SPEAKER_00]: And I have, again, lots of past episodes on attachment theory and, you know, what happens in adult relationships, depending on how you're attached.
[SPEAKER_00]: I will link to all of those goodies again on the blog or below the video.
[SPEAKER_00]: So,
[SPEAKER_00]: And of course, most of us were, you know, we're never taught how to do this.
[SPEAKER_00]: I can't say this enough, you know, schools don't teach it, all right?
[SPEAKER_00]: Most parents didn't model it because they didn't have it themselves.
[SPEAKER_00]: And then, you know, we've got all the pop culture confusing us movies and songs and romances, right?
[SPEAKER_00]: And you're showing us to confuse it with romance.
[SPEAKER_00]: So,
[SPEAKER_00]: you're going to arrive at a serious relationship in your 20s or 30s or 50s, expecting emotional intimacy, you know, to just happen if it's the right person.
[SPEAKER_00]: It'll just happen.
[SPEAKER_00]: It doesn't.
[SPEAKER_00]: Newsflash, it does not.
[SPEAKER_00]: Even with a fabulous right person for you, you have to build it.
[SPEAKER_00]: I say the same thing all the time that, you know, I don't believe in soul mates.
[SPEAKER_00]: I think that's a bunch of crap.
[SPEAKER_00]: And, but I believe in soul relationships and you build soul relationships with people.
[SPEAKER_00]: Absolutely, you know, there's 8 billion people on the planet.
[SPEAKER_00]: There's not one little...
[SPEAKER_00]: dot in the in the in the world for you.
[SPEAKER_00]: There's there's many people and and you know you know depending on when you met someone when they came into your life Gary and I always joke if we had met in our 20s we would not ever ever have been together we were very different people then
[SPEAKER_00]: You know what I mean?
[SPEAKER_00]: Like, even the friendships I have, if I admit certain people younger, I wouldn't be friends with them now.
[SPEAKER_00]: You know, I have grown, I have changed, I'm a different person over the years with the work I've done.
[SPEAKER_00]: So is Gary, so are you.
[SPEAKER_00]: So we're lots of people.
[SPEAKER_00]: Timing is so much about meeting people.
[SPEAKER_00]: So yeah, I think you can have lots and lots of wonderful soul relationships in your life, depending on your ability and willingness to make those things
[SPEAKER_00]: Let's talk about the four building blocks of emotional intimacy that I promised you.
[SPEAKER_00]: I got a lot of fours today I'm realizing, but anyway, sometimes I just kind of write and whatever falls together, falls together.
[SPEAKER_00]: So, and this is the practical side, right?
[SPEAKER_00]: These are, to me, the four moves that actually build emotional intimacy, and none of them are complicated, but,
[SPEAKER_00]: I'm going to bet that you're going to find them uncomfortable at first, of course, okay, but I'm here to tell you that the research and my 40 years of working hands-on with people says that all of them can work and I understand your situation is unique, but
[SPEAKER_00]: you know, it's really about finding a place to begin, no matter how small that beginning might be for you in your relationships.
[SPEAKER_00]: And again, it doesn't just have to be romance, it could be any of them.
[SPEAKER_00]: And then for each one, I'm going to give you three specific action steps you can take.
[SPEAKER_00]: Right?
[SPEAKER_00]: I always say this insight without action is just information.
[SPEAKER_00]: So you might be nodding your head going, yeah, oh my gosh.
[SPEAKER_00]: Yes, yes, yes.
[SPEAKER_00]: And uh, aha moment aha moment.
[SPEAKER_00]: But if you don't take action at some point, then you're just getting information.
[SPEAKER_00]: It's it's and I want you to take action because I love you and I want you to change the life and the ways you want.
[SPEAKER_00]: So.
[SPEAKER_00]: Building black, no, number one is showing up, it, a full presence, phones, not just down, not just turned over, but away.
[SPEAKER_00]: I did a whole episode on fubbing and the research shows that just having a phone out on the table decreases intimacy.
[SPEAKER_00]: The research is clear on this.
[SPEAKER_00]: Put those, effin things away, enough enough.
[SPEAKER_00]: You don't have to have it.
[SPEAKER_00]: You're not, unless you're a brain surgeon and you're a neurosurgeon, you're gonna be called into the emergency.
[SPEAKER_00]: I don't wanna see you freaking phone out.
[SPEAKER_00]: You don't need it out.
[SPEAKER_00]: And I know, I see you people at the dinner tables and you take it out, but you put it face down.
[SPEAKER_00]: You think that's, it's not, it's creating a barrier.
[SPEAKER_00]: telling you right now.
[SPEAKER_00]: So because really what you're signaling to the other person is something could come up that could be more important than you.
[SPEAKER_00]: I'm just letting you know.
[SPEAKER_00]: And again, there's really good research on this.
[SPEAKER_00]: I did an entire episode.
[SPEAKER_00]: I called it, I think, fubbing.
[SPEAKER_00]: That's what they call it.
[SPEAKER_00]: And you can look at all up yourself.
[SPEAKER_00]: OK, if you don't believe me.
[SPEAKER_00]: But so you need full presence.
[SPEAKER_00]: Fones away.
[SPEAKER_00]: ringers off, body turned toward your partner, attention, undivided.
[SPEAKER_00]: It is so simple.
[SPEAKER_00]: It's almost offensive, and it's the thing most couples have stopped doing without even noticing.
[SPEAKER_00]: I'm telling you all right now.
[SPEAKER_00]: If you can't remember the last time you put your phone in another room,
[SPEAKER_00]: and give your partner your complete distraction free attention for 15 minutes.
[SPEAKER_00]: There you go.
[SPEAKER_00]: Okay?
[SPEAKER_00]: And I mean, TV off, no screens in front of you, nothing.
[SPEAKER_00]: I mean, you're not even just cooking dinner while they talk or something.
[SPEAKER_00]: I'm talking full attention, full body facing them.
[SPEAKER_00]: I contact the whole nine.
[SPEAKER_00]: Modern life has trained you to have attend to everything, to be physically near your partner or your friend or whoever, while mentally somewhere else.
[SPEAKER_00]: And
[SPEAKER_00]: The problem is that emotional intimacy can't form in half attention.
[SPEAKER_00]: Your nervous system can tell when someone is partially with you and it stays guarded.
[SPEAKER_00]: And I see you if you're a parent.
[SPEAKER_00]: I see parents all the time with their toddlers running around and they're on their phones.
[SPEAKER_00]: They're on their phones.
[SPEAKER_00]: Put it away.
[SPEAKER_00]: Don't walk with your phone out.
[SPEAKER_00]: Don't push the stroller holding your phone.
[SPEAKER_00]: Don't sit at the thing when your kid is in the sandbox
[SPEAKER_00]: don't, don't do it.
[SPEAKER_00]: They know.
[SPEAKER_00]: It's, it's, it's, it's, it's not to mention it's a really itky thing you're teaching them that, that, that being in someone's presence isn't that important, that they're not that important.
[SPEAKER_00]: And trust me, they'll turn that around on you later.
[SPEAKER_00]: I have a lot of parents complaining that their kids are on their screens all the time and I'm kind of like, are you?
[SPEAKER_00]: Are you, it's like they see you on your screen at other times that you think it's it's okay to be on so now they think it's okay to be on you know at a time when you don't but how are they supposed to know right it's it's not how works so it at the very least makes some rules in your home.
[SPEAKER_00]: Um, in some way, like we, we always have a thing that there's no phones at the dinner table, things like that.
[SPEAKER_00]: I think there's some easy things you can do, but let me.
[SPEAKER_00]: So three things you can do starting today, okay?
[SPEAKER_00]: One is to schedule a daily 15 minute no screens check in.
[SPEAKER_00]: There you go.
[SPEAKER_00]: Again, this coming to your friend, your sister, your partner.
[SPEAKER_00]: same time every day if possible, you may be right when, you know, if we're talking romance, maybe right when one of you gets home or right after dinner.
[SPEAKER_00]: Again, phones in another room, bodies turn towards each other, make this time sacred and on negotiable.
[SPEAKER_00]: And if 15 minutes feels like a lot, it first, you know, start with five, build up.
[SPEAKER_00]: The point is the consistency, not the duration.
[SPEAKER_00]: Number two, physically face your partner whenever the conversation isn't pure logistics.
[SPEAKER_00]: I know this sounds basic, but it's not.
[SPEAKER_00]: Most couples, I have to tell our many couples, I don't know if I wanna say most, but gosh, it feels like most, haven't physically faced each other in conversation in years.
[SPEAKER_00]: They talk past each other while they're loading the dishwasher, you know, glancing at the TV, scrolling on their phones.
[SPEAKER_00]: So the next time your partner says anything that isn't what's for dinner, stop, turn your body, make eye contact and listen.
[SPEAKER_00]: And then three is I would say to pick one daily ritual and protect it.
[SPEAKER_00]: I give this to a lot of my clients like coffee in the morning.
[SPEAKER_00]: Maybe you just sit and have a cup of coffee for five minutes together.
[SPEAKER_00]: Or you each say something you're great not for each other, but something you're grateful for appreciate in your life today to start your day.
[SPEAKER_00]: Something like that, beautiful, a walk after dinner.
[SPEAKER_00]: walk the dog after dinner together.
[SPEAKER_00]: The last 10 minutes before bed, whatever fits your life, make that the relationships daily anchor.
[SPEAKER_00]: Again, no phone, no screens, no kids interrupting.
[SPEAKER_00]: You can create, I did it, you can do it.
[SPEAKER_00]: I don't have magical kids.
[SPEAKER_00]: My kids understood that there was some times they were not allowed to interrupt.
[SPEAKER_00]: 10 minutes, we're not talking much.
[SPEAKER_00]: And this is good for your kids not to learn impulse control, to learn to entertain themselves.
[SPEAKER_00]: And obviously, when they're really tiny, this is harder.
[SPEAKER_00]: but you can, you know, as soon as they can have any kind of agency, you can really teach them like, oh, mom and dad are talking or mom and mom are talking or dad and dad are talking whatever.
[SPEAKER_00]: And, you know, you need to, um, you need to wait and they'll learn.
[SPEAKER_00]: Trust me, they'll learn.
[SPEAKER_00]: I will tell you the couples I've worked with who add a single daily ritual and keep it going.
[SPEAKER_00]: You don't have to be perfect but it has to be consistent.
[SPEAKER_00]: They see relationships and less than a month, less than a month.
[SPEAKER_00]: I'm not saying they're suddenly totally intimate and it's amazing.
[SPEAKER_00]: I'm saying they see the shifts.
[SPEAKER_00]: There you go.
[SPEAKER_00]: Building block number two is telling the truth, specifically, again, kind of your inner truth, what I would call transparency.
[SPEAKER_00]: So what's actually happening for you?
[SPEAKER_00]: What you're truly feeling and thinking, not polished, not edited.
[SPEAKER_00]: You know, not the pre-approved version you usually share.
[SPEAKER_00]: I'm talking fall transparency, right?
[SPEAKER_00]: And of course, we can't talk about vulnerability without brain brown or girl brain brown, right?
[SPEAKER_00]: You know, her research on vulnerability is it's pretty much the gold standard here.
[SPEAKER_00]: You got to give it up to her, right?
[SPEAKER_00]: Vulnerability again isn't weakness.
[SPEAKER_00]: It's accessibility.
[SPEAKER_00]: It's how people access you.
[SPEAKER_00]: It's the willingness to be seen without, you know, whatever your armor is or your cover is.
[SPEAKER_00]: When you say I'm fine and you're not fine, you're choosing armor.
[SPEAKER_00]: When you talk about logistics instead of feelings, you're choosing the armor.
[SPEAKER_00]: When you keep the conversation light to avoid discomfort, you're choosing the armor.
[SPEAKER_00]: None of those choices is wrong.
[SPEAKER_00]: They're just choices that block intimacy.
[SPEAKER_00]: So that's what you need to know.
[SPEAKER_00]: And you can choose your armor.
[SPEAKER_00]: So I choose armor sometimes.
[SPEAKER_00]: It's okay, but not most the time.
[SPEAKER_00]: You know, we're not all the time.
[SPEAKER_00]: So pick and choose.
[SPEAKER_00]: So the three things you can start doing today, if you want to work on this, is in your next kind of meaningful conversation, tell us one small, true thing you'd usually edit out.
[SPEAKER_00]: Try that.
[SPEAKER_00]: I felt overlooked when you didn't ask about my doctor's appointment.
[SPEAKER_00]: How's that?
[SPEAKER_00]: I've been more anxious about work than I've been letting on.
[SPEAKER_00]: I don't actually love that joke and I've been pretending I do for a year, you know, you don't have to go for the big dramatic, you know, let's let's call a divorce lawyer whatever right you don't have to go for the huge drama, but go for something really specific vulnerability is one true sentence at a time.
[SPEAKER_00]: That's it.
[SPEAKER_00]: So the second thing you can do is catch yourself when you say I'm fine.
[SPEAKER_00]: I would say omit I'm fine.
[SPEAKER_00]: It's okay, all's good, whatever, from your vocabulary.
[SPEAKER_00]: And always replace it with something more clear, more specific, more honest.
[SPEAKER_00]: And that means you'll need to pause and check in with yourself.
[SPEAKER_00]: So you might say, actually I'm a little frustrated and I haven't figured out why yet.
[SPEAKER_00]: Honestly, I'm tired and I want to be left alone for an hour, you know, oh, hey, I'm noticing I'm feeling grouchy.
[SPEAKER_00]: I said that the other day I was noticing I was feeling grouchy, you know, I'm not even sure why.
[SPEAKER_00]: I didn't even know why.
[SPEAKER_00]: I just said it, even in perfect transparency is better, it's more intimate.
[SPEAKER_00]: than not, right, than some performative, I'm fine, miss, right?
[SPEAKER_00]: And then the third thing you could do is once we share something you've been thinking about that you haven't set out loud yet, this isn't, it's not like some confessions of what I did wrong or I'm a bad person.
[SPEAKER_00]: It's just a,
[SPEAKER_00]: I've thought you've been carrying.
[SPEAKER_00]: I've been feeling restless about my work.
[SPEAKER_00]: I've been worrying about my mom more than I've talked about.
[SPEAKER_00]: I keep thinking about something happened 20 years ago and I don't even know why, right?
[SPEAKER_00]: I want you to think of vulnerability as a muscle.
[SPEAKER_00]: You know, you try to use it once a week and you're gonna find it's gonna get stronger.
[SPEAKER_00]: All right, building block number three is hearing the truth.
[SPEAKER_00]: And this is harder than telling it.
[SPEAKER_00]: And it's where most couples actually can kind of fall apart.
[SPEAKER_00]: And the brilliant Sue Johnson, who I've talked about many times on the podcast, she developed emotionally-focused therapy or EFT.
[SPEAKER_00]: She calls this attunement and her, um, it's called the R framework, A-R-E-R framework.
[SPEAKER_00]: And it, it names three things that have to happen when your partner is sharing.
[SPEAKER_00]: So the A is accessibility, you know, you're available, your present, you're taking it in.
[SPEAKER_00]: The R is responsiveness, you respond to what they actually said, not to your defensiveness about it, and the E is engagement.
[SPEAKER_00]: That's, you know, you stay with them, you don't shut down or change the subject.
[SPEAKER_00]: And when all three happen, your partner really experiences being heard, which is, that's the, that's it.
[SPEAKER_00]: That, you know, that, that emotionally intimacy you're looking for, that's where it grows, right?
[SPEAKER_00]: In my experience, most couples fail or most people fail at hearing the truth in very predictable ways.
[SPEAKER_00]: You listen for your turn to talk, you start defending yourself before they're finished.
[SPEAKER_00]: You jump to problem solving or to solving something instead of just receiving or you change the subject because what they said made you uncomfortable, I see this a lot with my clients.
[SPEAKER_00]: And usually people don't even realize they're doing it.
[SPEAKER_00]: So if that just stung a little, I love you and end your welcome.
[SPEAKER_00]: Okay.
[SPEAKER_00]: So what are three things you can do starting today?
[SPEAKER_00]: Use the receive reflect questions sequence, right, that Johnson and I've talked about before.
[SPEAKER_00]: The next time your partner shares something real with you, do these three steps
[SPEAKER_00]: Reflect it back.
[SPEAKER_00]: So what I'm hearing you say is what I'm hearing is, and then ask one curious question, what was that like for you?
[SPEAKER_00]: Can you tell me more about that?
[SPEAKER_00]: That's my favorite.
[SPEAKER_00]: Can you tell me more?
[SPEAKER_00]: You really want to resist the impulse to fix, to defend or relate it back to yourself.
[SPEAKER_00]: Don't do those.
[SPEAKER_00]: And the order matters and it changes the entire feel of the conversation I want to say that.
[SPEAKER_00]: The second thing you can do is name your defensiveness to yourself when you feel it rising up, right?
[SPEAKER_00]: So when you notice yourself getting defensive while you're partner, whoever is talking, just name it inside your head.
[SPEAKER_00]: Ooh, ooh, I'm getting defensive right now.
[SPEAKER_00]: Wow, that is hitting me.
[SPEAKER_00]: That will interrupt the pattern, right?
[SPEAKER_00]: You know, and then, you know, take a breath and
[SPEAKER_00]: Ah, you know, stay with what your partner or whoever is actually saying that the label again from the research we know comms the alarm just enough that you can keep listening instead of kind of going into that self protection mode and then the third thing you could do is that the end is end the day with one open question you right before we bed before lights out ask one question and listen to the answer without doing anything else.
[SPEAKER_00]: You know the famous what was the hardest part of your day what's been on your mind that you haven't said yet What was the best part of your day today that builds intimacy to no fixing no advising no You're not trying to make anything better.
[SPEAKER_00]: You're just you're witnessing and couples who do this consistently From the research we know they start to know each other again at a level that I think is often been missing for a long time
[SPEAKER_00]: Okay, and then building block number four is to is repair.
[SPEAKER_00]: Of course, repair when something breaks between you and it will.
[SPEAKER_00]: It's gonna happen.
[SPEAKER_00]: Do you come back to fix it or do you let it accumulate?
[SPEAKER_00]: And here's where,
[SPEAKER_00]: our lovely John Gottman, you know, his research on couple, it couples.
[SPEAKER_00]: It's the most cited work in the field, probably, you know, and because it really stands a test of time, and one of his core findings is that the difference between couples who thrive in couples who deteriorate isn't the absence of conflict, it's the presence of repair.
[SPEAKER_00]: Healthy couples don't fight less, they fix
[SPEAKER_00]: faster.
[SPEAKER_00]: That's what they do.
[SPEAKER_00]: And a repair attempt is what is that?
[SPEAKER_00]: It's anything that interrupts the negative cycle and reaches for connection.
[SPEAKER_00]: So, it could be an apology saying, I love you in the middle of a fight, you know, maybe reaching out and touching them or even naming what's happening.
[SPEAKER_00]: Oh my gosh, I think we're stuck.
[SPEAKER_00]: Can we start over?
[SPEAKER_00]: Oh my, you know, I can't believe I said that that way.
[SPEAKER_00]: Can we start again?
[SPEAKER_00]: Can we try that again?
[SPEAKER_00]: Most relationships, again, don't fail because of any single conflict.
[SPEAKER_00]: They fail because too many small breaks went unrepaired.
[SPEAKER_00]: and that disconnection compounds over the years.
[SPEAKER_00]: So here are three things you can do for this one, for this building block starting today.
[SPEAKER_00]: You can identify and repair one small unrepaired break in the next 24 hours, right?
[SPEAKER_00]: A comment that her a moment you withdrew, misunderstanding you both let slide.
[SPEAKER_00]: Even one line will do it.
[SPEAKER_00]: You know, hey, I want to come back to what happened on Tuesday.
[SPEAKER_00]: I shouldn't have shut down the way I did.
[SPEAKER_00]: You know, I'm really sorry.
[SPEAKER_00]: That's it.
[SPEAKER_00]: It doesn't require both people to do it perfectly.
[SPEAKER_00]: It requires one person to start and the other to receive it, right?
[SPEAKER_00]: That's what that's what we're looking for.
[SPEAKER_00]: The second thing you do can do is use the phrase I just said it.
[SPEAKER_00]: Can we start over?
[SPEAKER_00]: That's my favorite.
[SPEAKER_00]: If one conversation goes sideways, you know, in real time, use it.
[SPEAKER_00]: If you say it nicely, kindly,
[SPEAKER_00]: can we start over?
[SPEAKER_00]: This, it really will reset a conversation that's headed off the rails before it fully crashes.
[SPEAKER_00]: It's going to signal that you're not trying to win.
[SPEAKER_00]: You're trying to stay connected.
[SPEAKER_00]: And a lot of couples really have never been taught.
[SPEAKER_00]: They're allowed to do this and you are.
[SPEAKER_00]: It's like once it's out, it's like, no, no, you're allowed to start over.
[SPEAKER_00]: You're allowed to do over.
[SPEAKER_00]: Command Z.
[SPEAKER_00]: Use it freely.
[SPEAKER_00]: And then the third thing you can do is make or pair the default after any disagreement, not the exception.
[SPEAKER_00]: So within 24 hours of any conflict, I don't care how small, check back in, are we okay?
[SPEAKER_00]: Anything else you want to say about earlier?
[SPEAKER_00]: That check in itself is the repair.
[SPEAKER_00]: And couples who do this consistently again,
[SPEAKER_00]: Again, from the research, stop accumulating the slow drift that really ends so many long-term relationships.
[SPEAKER_00]: The disconnection never gets a chance to compound, and that's what's so big.
[SPEAKER_00]: Okay, so how do you start building emotional intimacy from scratch?
[SPEAKER_00]: You know, if you didn't grow up with emotional intimacy and you've never really had it as an adult,
[SPEAKER_00]: that those four building blocks are gonna feel probably deeply uncomfortable at first.
[SPEAKER_00]: I say, with love, your nervous system will read them as dangerous because to your nervous system they are.
[SPEAKER_00]: That's not a sign you should stop though.
[SPEAKER_00]: That's a sign your body is doing what it learned to do.
[SPEAKER_00]: Your job is to gently teach it something new.
[SPEAKER_00]: So, start small.
[SPEAKER_00]: I just gave you those four building blocks.
[SPEAKER_00]: You need to start small.
[SPEAKER_00]: Don't try to have a four hour vulnerable conversation tomorrow.
[SPEAKER_00]: We're not doing that.
[SPEAKER_00]: Try one true sentence.
[SPEAKER_00]: Fifteen minutes of phones down presence.
[SPEAKER_00]: One curious question instead of a defensive response, you know, build the muscle slowly.
[SPEAKER_00]: Same thing.
[SPEAKER_00]: If you went to the gym and just, you know, went at it for ten hours when you've been out of shape, you're going to hurt.
[SPEAKER_00]: And you're not going to go back.
[SPEAKER_00]: So go slow.
[SPEAKER_00]: Your nervous system needs proof.
[SPEAKER_00]: that vulnerability won't get punished.
[SPEAKER_00]: And the only way to give it that proof is to do these small, vulnerable things and notice when something bad happens, right?
[SPEAKER_00]: And really start to work with it.
[SPEAKER_00]: And of course, this is where mindfulness is essential.
[SPEAKER_00]: You need the capacity to notice what's happening in your body in real time, to stay with the discomfort instead of bolting from it, right?
[SPEAKER_00]: To register what you actually feel before you
[SPEAKER_00]: you know, edit it for delivery or say the thing you're going to regret.
[SPEAKER_00]: All of it's a mine from the scale.
[SPEAKER_00]: All of it.
[SPEAKER_00]: Get the free mine from the starter kit if you don't have it yet.
[SPEAKER_00]: Start doing it.
[SPEAKER_00]: What are you waiting on?
[SPEAKER_00]: And of course, I'm going to say it also matters who you're building this with.
[SPEAKER_00]: If you're trying to do these moves with a partner who routinely punishes vulnerability dismisses your feelings, mocks what you share, or I would like to use as the truth.
[SPEAKER_00]: Again,
[SPEAKER_00]: But emotional intimacy is not going to grow there, okay?
[SPEAKER_00]: The four building blocks really require a partner or another person, whoever this is, who's willing to meet you.
[SPEAKER_00]: Okay, so if you've been listening for a while, you know I talk about the trust try out a lot, you know, the three things that build trust integrity, that's the honesty part, the words and their actions match, two is competence, they have the emotional skills, the relationship requires, they follow through on things, and the third is goodwill, they actually care about your well-being, they put you, they sometimes put you first, they have your back.
[SPEAKER_00]: Without those three, vulnerability isn't intimacy building.
[SPEAKER_00]: It's got to feel like exposure it is.
[SPEAKER_00]: And if that's what you're working with, this isn't a building blocks problem.
[SPEAKER_00]: This is a partner problem and that's a different conversation.
[SPEAKER_00]: If you're not in a relationship right now, the work is really to practice these moves with friends, with families, with yourself first,
[SPEAKER_00]: self-disclosure with a trusted friend, journaling honest answers about what you actually feel, getting comfortable with your own inner life, you know, so you'll recognize a partner who can meet you when one shows up, you know, all of that.
[SPEAKER_00]: So, and I've done episodes before on how to know, you know, is this relationship worth saving and things like that and I will link to that in
[SPEAKER_00]: relationship worth saving, I'm writing it down.
[SPEAKER_00]: I'll make sure I link to that in the on the blog.
[SPEAKER_00]: You know, that's a whole different question, but I would also say that even if your partner has been difficult before, try things for a month, you know, try something small for the month
[SPEAKER_00]: Sometimes it takes, you know, I talk about relationship gridlock, you know, sometimes relationships are really stuck and you're assuming the person won't do it because maybe they haven't before, but there's a lot of stuff I haven't done before that I do now.
[SPEAKER_00]: You know what I mean?
[SPEAKER_00]: Like, we grow, we change, I talked about that earlier today.
[SPEAKER_00]: So try, it's okay to try again, unless there's real abuse or other things that obviously you're opening yourself up for something dangerous.
[SPEAKER_00]: Let's say you're in a long-term relationship.
[SPEAKER_00]: How do you deepen emotional and see in a long-term relationship?
[SPEAKER_00]: You're not starting from scratch, right?
[SPEAKER_00]: You're trying to wake up something that has been on autopilot for a long time.
[SPEAKER_00]: So the honest reality is that long-term relationships drift, familiar familiarity,
[SPEAKER_00]: doesn't deepen emotional intimacy at all, really.
[SPEAKER_00]: Definitely not automatically.
[SPEAKER_00]: So without intentional effort, it actually, it erodes it.
[SPEAKER_00]: You stop showing up because you assume you don't need to, right?
[SPEAKER_00]: You stop telling your truth because you maybe convince yourself, you already know what each other thinks.
[SPEAKER_00]: I already know, I don't have to say it.
[SPEAKER_00]: You stop hearing each other because the pattern of like half listening got established so long ago, it's all you do.
[SPEAKER_00]: You don't repair because the small breaks have piled up so high, you don't know even know where to start, right?
[SPEAKER_00]: So the way back in is small and specific.
[SPEAKER_00]: It's really pretty similar to starting from scratch.
[SPEAKER_00]: You pick one of the four building blocks and run.
[SPEAKER_00]: I would say though for this one, you'd run a 30-day experiment.
[SPEAKER_00]: Not all four at once, of course.
[SPEAKER_00]: Pick one.
[SPEAKER_00]: If presence is your weak spot, do 15 minutes a day of the phones away.
[SPEAKER_00]: Right, for 30 days.
[SPEAKER_00]: If repair is your weak spot,
[SPEAKER_00]: repair one small break per week for 30 days.
[SPEAKER_00]: You know, pick the one your relationship needs the most.
[SPEAKER_00]: You probably already know, which one is my guess.
[SPEAKER_00]: The one is probably, you know, when you flinched when I described it, that's probably it.
[SPEAKER_00]: There was a study by Matthias Mel, MEHL and colleagues, of course, at the University of Arizona and were they recorded conversations of dozens of people over several days and looked at what predicted happiness or fulfillment and they found that happier people had twice as many substantive
[SPEAKER_00]: really meaty conversations is unhappier people, okay?
[SPEAKER_00]: So the takeaway to me for long-term relationships is that small talk doesn't sustain you.
[SPEAKER_00]: It just doesn't.
[SPEAKER_00]: Those big, deep, you know, substantive, substantive conversations do.
[SPEAKER_00]: And those conversations are what the four building blocks really add up to.
[SPEAKER_00]: And you know, and don't be discouraged if the first week feels awkward, you know, again, long together couples often tell me things like, you know, oh my god, they feel like teenagers again when they start doing this work that that awkwardness is that is that's the muscle being rebuilt.
[SPEAKER_00]: So, you know, stay with it, okay, just do it.
[SPEAKER_00]: And let me just say this, you can't build emotional intimacy
[SPEAKER_00]: And I want you to think that last week's episode and this one are a pair in a way.
[SPEAKER_00]: Last week I was telling you about the difference between real love and fear.
[SPEAKER_00]: This week is about what real love makes possible.
[SPEAKER_00]: An emotional intimacy can't grow in a fear relationship.
[SPEAKER_00]: The vulnerability required to show up
[SPEAKER_00]: to tell the truth, to hear the truth, and repair, all that requires the kind of safety fear-based attachment can't give you.
[SPEAKER_00]: So if you've been doing the work from last week and you recognize that fear has been doing more lifting in your relationship than love,
[SPEAKER_00]: You know, this episode's going to feel impossible on some level.
[SPEAKER_00]: And that's not your failure that's in formation.
[SPEAKER_00]: You don't have to divorce or break up right now, but it's information.
[SPEAKER_00]: The foundation isn't there yet.
[SPEAKER_00]: You've got to fix the foundation first.
[SPEAKER_00]: And if you've been doing the work and the foundation is there, if you will, if real love is generally, you know, the soil, then emotional intimacy is truly what's available to you next, right?
[SPEAKER_00]: Again, this sort of two episode closed, they stand on their own very much.
[SPEAKER_00]: It's not like an arc or anything, but the way I closed the season was really deliberate.
[SPEAKER_00]: First, you know, last week I tell yourself the truth about what you're actually feeling, love or fear, and then second build the thing real love makes possible.
[SPEAKER_00]: Okay?
[SPEAKER_00]: The bottom line is that emotional intimacy isn't a feeling, it's a practice.
[SPEAKER_00]: I think that's how I want to wrap up today's episode.
[SPEAKER_00]: Okay, so remember to grab today's free download the emotional intimacy audit.
[SPEAKER_00]: It's again like a kind of a quick score card to see where you actually stand.
[SPEAKER_00]: And if today's episode was hitting you hard and you're ready to do more work on your motion on the emotional and to see your relationships.
[SPEAKER_00]: or you're single now, but hoping for an emotional anti-marrelations of the future.
[SPEAKER_00]: I'm going to highly suggest you get today's therapy to go bundle.
[SPEAKER_00]: It's really good this week.
[SPEAKER_00]: And there's a ton because it was the end of the season and I wanted to make it really special.
[SPEAKER_00]: So I have a guided visualization in there.
[SPEAKER_00]: I know you guys love those.
[SPEAKER_00]: You love the guided visualizations.
[SPEAKER_00]: I have a feelings list.
[SPEAKER_00]: I have the four building blocks deep dive worksheet, there's a like aware loneliness lives in your day kind of worksheet.
[SPEAKER_00]: It's mapping the gap between proximity and real connection and your relationship.
[SPEAKER_00]: There's of course journaling prompts.
[SPEAKER_00]: I always have to help you surface what you believe about emotional intimacy.
[SPEAKER_00]: There's a mapping thing, it's a, I'm calling it the Bird's Eye Pattern Inventory.
[SPEAKER_00]: It's mapping emotional intimacy across the relationships in your life.
[SPEAKER_00]: So all of that, all of that is in the therapy to go bundle, which again, and includes the free download, I hope I said that, so you don't have to download it twice, and can be found below the video or my website, go to the website, and that's a wrap on season eight.
[SPEAKER_00]: Oh my gosh, and I want to take a second here if you're still here.
[SPEAKER_00]: Oh my god, if you're still here.
[SPEAKER_00]: Hello.
[SPEAKER_00]: I want to take a second because
[SPEAKER_00]: This is episode 392, 392 times you've shown up, put in your ear buds or your AirPods and trusted me to sit with you through the messy, the tender, the complicated work of loving other people and loving yourself.
[SPEAKER_00]: And that's not nothing, that's that's a relationship and I don't take it lightly.
[SPEAKER_00]: So thank you, truly.
[SPEAKER_00]: I always start to cry.
[SPEAKER_00]: Sorry, not sorry.
[SPEAKER_00]: Crying is wonderful.
[SPEAKER_00]: You're the reason I keep doing this.
[SPEAKER_00]: So thank you so much.
[SPEAKER_00]: I'm going to take a couple of weeks off.
[SPEAKER_00]: I always do at the end of my seasons to rest and refill the well, right?
[SPEAKER_00]: You can't fill a glass from an empty picture and I take my own advice.
[SPEAKER_00]: Season nine will be waiting for you in August, you know?
[SPEAKER_00]: new episodes, new, new everything, and until then, you know, be good to yourself, be good to the people you love, and I'll see you in August.
[SPEAKER_00]: I love you so much.
[SPEAKER_00]: Thank you for spending time with me today.
[SPEAKER_00]: If you're loving what you're learning here, come join my one love collective.
[SPEAKER_00]: It's my private community.
[SPEAKER_00]: We'll be take these conversations even deeper.
[SPEAKER_00]: You'll get a ton of bonus content.
[SPEAKER_00]: Live Q&As with me, guided visualizations, journaling prompts, scripts,
[SPEAKER_00]: and an incredible community of like-minded people ready to support you as you create more ease and joy in all your relationships.
[SPEAKER_00]: It's all waiting for you at AppieMedCraft.com or right on Substack.
[SPEAKER_00]: I'll see you next week.