[SPEAKER_00]: Hey, hey, you're listening to the Brown Girl Self Care podcast.
[SPEAKER_00]: My name is Bri and I'm the host of the show as well as the founder of Brown Girl Self Care.
[SPEAKER_00]: I have an episode for you today that's actually going to be split into two parts.
[SPEAKER_00]: The first part I want to talk about the safety.
[SPEAKER_00]: are safety, the safety of black people, the safety of black women, just kind of a reminder, okay.
[SPEAKER_00]: And then the second thing that I want to talk about is maybe it's a little more personal, but I definitely want to share this because I know that I have listeners, a lot of black women that listen to this podcast that are in an in-between place with their healing.
[SPEAKER_00]: and they are feeling like the work that they're doing.
[SPEAKER_00]: Like it's since it's not happening fast enough that it's not like nothing's happening.
[SPEAKER_00]: And I want to talk about that too.
[SPEAKER_00]: So before we get into that really quickly, I want to start this episode with just a breath.
[SPEAKER_00]: We can just breathe together.
[SPEAKER_00]: That will be awesome.
[SPEAKER_00]: So we're going to just inhale through the nose and then we're going to hold it for a second or a few seconds and then we're going to outhill yes I say outhill through the mouth and then I'm going to go ahead and get into the episode okay so I got to make sure this is recording that's why I look at the light and Cali is joining us for this podcast apparently social probably pop in and out because she is she just likes to be next to me so let's go ahead and just
[SPEAKER_00]: sit down mama.
[SPEAKER_00]: Sit down, Kelly.
[SPEAKER_00]: Thank you, big girl.
[SPEAKER_00]: Okay.
[SPEAKER_00]: So we're going to go ahead and we're going to go ahead and take an inhale through the nose and we're going to hold it for five seconds.
[SPEAKER_00]: Okay.
[SPEAKER_00]: So let's go ahead and inhale through the nose.
[SPEAKER_00]: One, two, three, you should be inhaling.
[SPEAKER_00]: five and then we're going to hold it five four three two one and then go ahead and just let it all out five four three two one.
[SPEAKER_00]: Okay.
[SPEAKER_00]: I want to start our episodes when I remember like this because it helps to settle me and I feel like it just helps us to kind of like ground together so that we're more present in the moment regardless of what you're doing.
[SPEAKER_00]: Okay.
[SPEAKER_00]: So up first, the safety of us, okay, the safety of black people, and I'm going to say specifically the safety of black women because we are black women and I hate to keep saying the same things, but we all know that black women are not necessarily the most important thing in the world, okay, to to other people, excuse me, to us we are but to other people, okay.
[SPEAKER_00]: So, um, you know, there's a huge story in the news right now, of course, uh, uh, of a young man, I believe he was 18 years old, Mr. Nolan, was at Nolan Xavier Wells.
[SPEAKER_00]: And, um, you know, I'm catching updates and bits and pieces and, uh,
[SPEAKER_00]: From what I understand as of late anyway, nothing really has been confirmed as far as like what really happened and from what I guess I've been able to clean he didn't have his phone.
[SPEAKER_00]: There was possibly alcohol involved, you know, those kind of things because you're young and you're having fun and you know what I mean, so it it it.
[SPEAKER_00]: We don't know what happened to this baby.
[SPEAKER_00]: We don't know yet what happened to this baby.
[SPEAKER_00]: And was it racially motivated?
[SPEAKER_00]: I feel like every, as long as this may be, I, I feel like everything right now is racially motivated until, until proven otherwise.
[SPEAKER_00]: That's just how I'm going into it.
[SPEAKER_00]: When you give me the full receipts and show me that it wasn't, then I'll be like, okay, it wasn't.
[SPEAKER_00]: But until those receipts come in like for me,
[SPEAKER_00]: I don't know.
[SPEAKER_00]: I just feel like something in the water and clean or something in the milk and clean.
[SPEAKER_00]: Again, we're waiting, you know, to hear about or learn, like get the what happened to this baby?
[SPEAKER_00]: You know, what happened to this baby?
[SPEAKER_00]: So that leads me to just this reminder that I have for you as a black woman.
[SPEAKER_00]: to make sure that you are doing what you can to be safe.
[SPEAKER_00]: And this is not to say that Nolan did not.
[SPEAKER_00]: It's just that what happened to him is triggering this for me, this conversation for me.
[SPEAKER_00]: I know that, you know, sometimes we're in mixed company.
[SPEAKER_00]: And this is not to say that you can't be in mixed company, but you really have to know whose company it is that you are in and what is driving those people.
[SPEAKER_00]: Okay.
[SPEAKER_00]: Again, this is this is not necessarily about Nolan, but just what has a cart just has me thinking about us, Black women are safety.
[SPEAKER_00]: So we have to make sure that we know the company that we keep.
[SPEAKER_00]: And I know that like when I was young, I know that when we're younger, we really, at least I'll say this, when I was younger, I just, I thought I was invincible.
[SPEAKER_00]: I really thought that I was invincible.
[SPEAKER_00]: And hindsight is 2020.
[SPEAKER_00]: I did some of the most unsafeest things.
[SPEAKER_00]: The good thing for me, the I guess the grace that I was lucky enough to have because I did some things that were so stupid, just being young and dumb, is that the people that were around me.
[SPEAKER_00]: You know, they had my best interest in heart.
[SPEAKER_00]: And this is something that women we do really, really well.
[SPEAKER_00]: When we go out with a group of, like, when we go out with a group of girls, we are making sure that, uh, everybody in the group, we good.
[SPEAKER_00]: You good, you good, we good, how you doing, what's going on?
[SPEAKER_00]: Like, we, we just make sure that we're all present in a counter for, uh,
[SPEAKER_00]: You know, we make sure that like if there's like a weirdo like if we're just vibe in like for example at a bar and there's a weirdo we're just like hmm get away from her kind of vibe you know what I mean like we just make sure that we Kind of like stay together and take care of each other and look out for each other
[SPEAKER_00]: And again, I don't know what happened to Nolan, okay?
[SPEAKER_00]: Again, I just want to say that just the circumstances or just, just, you know, his untimely passing is just making me think about just how can we as black women
[SPEAKER_00]: make sure that we are doing what we can to stay safe.
[SPEAKER_00]: And these things may not have changed anything for him.
[SPEAKER_00]: And that's why I'm not saying that necessarily these are the things that he should have done.
[SPEAKER_00]: We don't know what happened.
[SPEAKER_00]: I want to make that very clear.
[SPEAKER_00]: I am just talking to you from a place of that his death triggered this conversation for me because I want to make sure that we
[SPEAKER_00]: are just doing what we can to stay safe, okay?
[SPEAKER_00]: So yeah, just I guess the first thing is just making sure, you know, who it is that you're being involved with.
[SPEAKER_00]: to the best of your abilities like you're your squad is your squad really down is your squad really a part of your team does your squad really have your back are they going to watch out for you especially if there's going to be some drinking involved or things like that you know what I mean and if you are a part of a squad and it's like girls night ladies night you know you haven't fun I would even go a step further and just say especially if there's like you know
[SPEAKER_00]: alcohol or other things involved that perhaps one of you just needs to just like you take turns and one of you just needs to be the designated driver slash designated.
[SPEAKER_00]: I may have like a drink or something, but I'm going to, I'm not going to have anything else beyond that for the rest of the night, you know what I mean?
[SPEAKER_00]: And allow the other girls in your squad to just have fun and drink and everything else, but they're, like, in other words, there needs to be a watcher.
[SPEAKER_00]: Someone who's not inebriated, and you guys can take turns, you know what I mean?
[SPEAKER_00]: If that's what you guys want to do, but maybe not everyone, really just like,
[SPEAKER_00]: in ebrated to the point where it just can possibly become unsafe for you, okay?
[SPEAKER_00]: So that's one of the things I would definitely say and I wish this is something that I thought about as when I was younger.
[SPEAKER_00]: And I know that there are young ladies at listening to this podcast.
[SPEAKER_00]: So yes, go and have your fun.
[SPEAKER_00]: Have fun with your girls, have fun with your squad.
[SPEAKER_00]: Make sure they're really on your team and make sure that there's someone who is who will like raise or hand and say this time, I got y'all.
[SPEAKER_00]: and you guys just kind of like rotate, you know what I mean?
[SPEAKER_00]: Hopefully that makes sense.
[SPEAKER_00]: Other than that, I would say is make sure that you keep your phone on you at all times.
[SPEAKER_00]: make sure that you keep your phone on you at all times, all times, keep your phone, your ID, keep some money in your boob, like, you know, keep some money, keep a 20 in your boob or a 50 in your boob, you know what I mean?
[SPEAKER_00]: In case something happens and you need that cash to be able to pay for an Uber home.
[SPEAKER_00]: or I don't know, you know what ever it is that you might need, always keep some money in your book, always.
[SPEAKER_00]: When you're going out with your girls, because you guys you never know when you guys might need that money, it may help you to get out of a sticky situation.
[SPEAKER_00]: having access to that, especially if something comes up and maybe you lose your purse, you know, but keeping your phone on you with all times, keeping some money in your boob and your bra at all times, that is definitely something I would highly recommend.
[SPEAKER_00]: I feel like I'm talking to my daughter right now, okay, because these are things that I will and have told her.
[SPEAKER_00]: So yeah, keep your phone on
[SPEAKER_00]: You know, if you didn't see a port, don't drink it.
[SPEAKER_00]: If you didn't see a port, don't drink it, and on top of that, I know that it's summertime, and you know, there's a lot of pool parties and stuff like that, but if you're going to be around a pool, less really make sure that we are mindful of how many drinks that we are having because it is so easy for in a split second, something to happen.
[SPEAKER_00]: And now you're in a situation, unfortunately, that you possibly may not be able to kind of like recover from and that is a scary scary thing I'm not even a strong swimmer so I would definitely not be drinking around a pool but even me I have to be careful around a pool because I'm I am not a strong swimmer and so that's the why I would not like necessarily being a pool by myself because anything can happen and no one would ever know.
[SPEAKER_00]: knowing what no one would know.
[SPEAKER_00]: So that's something else that I would tell you.
[SPEAKER_00]: Like if you're going to be drinking and stuff like that, just especially if you're going to be around water at a pool, at the beach, at a lake, other bodies of water, whatever, please be very careful.
[SPEAKER_00]: please be very careful.
[SPEAKER_00]: Okay.
[SPEAKER_00]: Um, and also obviously, let, let, let people let your people know what you're going, what time you expect to return.
[SPEAKER_00]: And, and it's not about, oh my God, my parents want to be in my business.
[SPEAKER_00]: I can't do anything.
[SPEAKER_00]: It's not that it's really not.
[SPEAKER_00]: Well, we are in your business sometimes.
[SPEAKER_00]: I'll give you that, but it's just, if not your parents like letting someone know, hey, I'm going out on this date with this person.
[SPEAKER_00]: Here's their license plate number.
[SPEAKER_00]: Here's their phone number.
[SPEAKER_00]: Here's their first and last name.
[SPEAKER_00]: Here's their address.
[SPEAKER_00]: Maybe give us all the details.
[SPEAKER_00]: Okay, give us as many details as you can get and don't be afraid to ask for details.
[SPEAKER_00]: If someone wants to date you, if someone wants to take you out and show you a good time, if someone, especially if you're meeting these people on apps, you know, and this is not, anything, I'm not downplaying or not, not downplaying.
[SPEAKER_00]: I'm not talking crap about these apps, but I'm just saying, especially when meeting with many people in unconventional ways.
[SPEAKER_00]: as of late in the last what decade or two, okay?
[SPEAKER_00]: And so not that you would necessarily know that the information is 100%, you know what I'm saying?
[SPEAKER_00]: Or that if you met someone on the street, that it would be any different, but regardless of how you met them, do your, like, do your due diligence.
[SPEAKER_00]: Don't let them pick them, don't let them pick you up from your house.
[SPEAKER_00]: meet somewhere public setting.
[SPEAKER_00]: Hey, let's just go and grab a coffee at a local coffee or tea house.
[SPEAKER_00]: I ain't saying Starbucks.
[SPEAKER_00]: We ain't going there.
[SPEAKER_00]: We ain't going to Starbucks.
[SPEAKER_00]: Go to a meet meet at a bowling alley and just do round a bowling like meet meet in a public meet in a library.
[SPEAKER_00]: and just whatever, hang out in the front of the library or something like just meeting at a public place.
[SPEAKER_00]: They don't need to know where you live, they don't need to know where you're, where you're, what, you know, necessarily even what your car is at that point.
[SPEAKER_00]: Coming at Uber.
[SPEAKER_00]: Or as crazy as this may sound, but I don't care.
[SPEAKER_00]: If you say, OK, we're going to meet it for PM.
[SPEAKER_00]: Maybe you get there at 3 PM.
[SPEAKER_00]: And you park around the corner, you know what I'm saying?
[SPEAKER_00]: We just have to be safe.
[SPEAKER_00]: Or do what we can, obviously, to keep ourselves as safe as we can.
[SPEAKER_00]: We can't control all the variables.
[SPEAKER_00]: We aren't fortune tellers.
[SPEAKER_00]: We don't know what's going to happen from one moment to the next necessarily.
[SPEAKER_00]: However, if we can do some of these things, I think it will help us, you know, to just maintain a certain level of safety.
[SPEAKER_00]: Because there's just so much going on right now.
[SPEAKER_00]: So that's my other point.
[SPEAKER_00]: Hey, I'm going out with, I don't know why the name Michael Jackson popped into my, and I wasn't even thinking about like Michael Jackson, but the name Michael Jackson popped into my, but hey, I'm going out with Michael Jackson, and we're going to be meeting at.
[SPEAKER_00]: black noir coffee house down in in Culver City.
[SPEAKER_00]: I'm making this up.
[SPEAKER_00]: And we're going to be meeting at 3 p.m. and here's his phone number where I've been texting him.
[SPEAKER_00]: And this is the car he has.
[SPEAKER_00]: Like, don't be afraid to ask him.
[SPEAKER_00]: Like, what car are you driving?
[SPEAKER_00]: You know, I'm saying, like, get all the details.
[SPEAKER_00]: Like, if they if they have a problem with giving you details,
[SPEAKER_00]: I really want you to think about how involved you want to be with this person.
[SPEAKER_00]: Like they are wanting to take you out.
[SPEAKER_00]: Men should know.
[SPEAKER_00]: I'm saying should, I don't like to should a lot, but this is something they should know.
[SPEAKER_00]: Like men should know that it is not necessarily, it is not safe for women to just be going out all willy-nilly with, you know what I'm saying?
[SPEAKER_00]: So they have a problem with giving specifics,
[SPEAKER_00]: and making sure that you're comfort and your safety is the top priority.
[SPEAKER_00]: Don't go out with him, sis.
[SPEAKER_00]: Like just don't like, no.
[SPEAKER_00]: If you're comfort and your safety is not the priority, he's not, he or she, they're not for you.
[SPEAKER_00]: They're not for you.
[SPEAKER_00]: Okay, so remember that.
[SPEAKER_00]: And it's not about an ego thing or like whatever who,
[SPEAKER_00]: Whatever they might try to throw at you, who cares?
[SPEAKER_00]: This is about your safety.
[SPEAKER_00]: This is about your security.
[SPEAKER_00]: OK. And also carry something on you.
[SPEAKER_00]: Bear spray, tazer, if you understand something.
[SPEAKER_00]: Pepper spray.
[SPEAKER_00]: Again, I realize that we can't control everything.
[SPEAKER_00]: but if we are prepared, as much as we can be, I think it'll help.
[SPEAKER_00]: And also don't leave and go anywhere with this person that you don't know, or you just met or you don't, you know what I'm saying?
[SPEAKER_00]: Like don't meet up and he's like, okay, let's, hey, let's go, let's don't get in the car'ss.
[SPEAKER_00]: I'm sorry, just don't do it.
[SPEAKER_00]: Don't do it.
[SPEAKER_00]: There is a time in a place down the line for these kind of, you know, I'm saying, but you, if you don't know this person.
[SPEAKER_00]: don't do it, don't do it, right?
[SPEAKER_00]: So I'm trying to think of what else I can say.
[SPEAKER_00]: I think that kind of like sums it up and I'm sure I've missed some things, but I just wanted to make sure that we are keeping our safety at the forefront as black people, as women, as black women,
[SPEAKER_00]: And the, oh, I'm back to the mixed company thing, like, you know, it just, if we're the only one in the situation, I have seen time and time again, how when we are the only one.
[SPEAKER_00]: It, like, a lot of times we're just one way or another, we're treated like shit.
[SPEAKER_00]: We're treated like shit, one way or another.
[SPEAKER_00]: And again, I have to stress, I don't know the details of no, we're still learning that.
[SPEAKER_00]: So I'm not saying that this happened or that happened.
[SPEAKER_00]: Again, it's just, his death is triggering this conversation for me.
[SPEAKER_00]: This, his, his untimely passing has triggered this conversation for me.
[SPEAKER_00]: Okay, so it's like, I, I have seen with my own eyes like make one, we are the only one.
[SPEAKER_00]: Usually there's just something.
[SPEAKER_00]: You know what I'm saying?
[SPEAKER_00]: So if that is your situation, I'm not telling you to ditch the friendship or anything or friendships or anything of that, but just be mindful, be careful.
[SPEAKER_00]: See, listen to how they talk about you when you're not in the room.
[SPEAKER_00]: Listen to how they speak to you when you are in the room.
[SPEAKER_00]: You know, what are the topics of conversation?
[SPEAKER_00]: What stereotypes are being thrown out in tropes?
[SPEAKER_00]: You know what I'm saying?
[SPEAKER_00]: What are they saying about black people?
[SPEAKER_00]: And are they saying, but not you, you're special, you're different.
[SPEAKER_00]: We would never do or say these things about you, because you're our friend.
[SPEAKER_00]: Or if they're asking you stupid ask questions,
[SPEAKER_00]: and asking you to stand up as the sole black person to talk like to be the representative of the community.
[SPEAKER_00]: You know what I mean?
[SPEAKER_00]: Just be mindful if that's your situation or you find yourself like you're the only one in that circumstance.
[SPEAKER_00]: Just stay on alert, be mindful.
[SPEAKER_00]: be aware, be so aware of your surroundings and the environment and the conversations and things are asking you to do or topics that are had or just different things like that, just be aware.
[SPEAKER_00]: That's all I'm asking, just be aware.
[SPEAKER_00]: And I hate to say this, but keep a certain little of your guard up.
[SPEAKER_00]: It's unfortunate that we have to do that, but a lot of times we do, because it has been proven time and time and time again that we are not necessarily the safest people in the company of, I'll say, others, we're just not, so keep your eyes open, keep your ears open,
[SPEAKER_00]: and keep a certain level of cautiousness there.
[SPEAKER_00]: And I wish I could say that black women we can be free and carefree and wild.
[SPEAKER_00]: And whatever, just whatever in all circumstances, I want that for us.
[SPEAKER_00]: I love that for us.
[SPEAKER_00]: I wish that we could, but we can't.
[SPEAKER_00]: We have to know what the reality is, and we just can't.
[SPEAKER_00]: So yeah, rest in peace to Nolan, I think there was another story of something else happening that was similar recently.
[SPEAKER_00]: And I'm just, I don't know, it's just a lot.
[SPEAKER_00]: It's just a lot.
[SPEAKER_00]: So I do hope that they,
[SPEAKER_00]: find out soon.
[SPEAKER_00]: They really get to the details of what happened to him.
[SPEAKER_00]: And it takes me, I mean, there's so many circumstances, obviously, but it also reminds me of the baby that was in high school and they found him rolled up in that mat.
[SPEAKER_00]: Somehow he was rolled up in that gym mat.
[SPEAKER_00]: It makes me think also of the baby and her name escapes me, but the one that was somehow she had wandered into a freezer, and she died.
[SPEAKER_00]: We just have to keep our wits about us.
[SPEAKER_00]: We really, really do.
[SPEAKER_00]: As again, not only women, but black people, black women,
[SPEAKER_00]: You know, we're checking all those boxes.
[SPEAKER_00]: Okay, so on to the next thing that I wanted to talk about, and I'm definitely like switching gears here.
[SPEAKER_00]: All right.
[SPEAKER_00]: Second thing that I wanted to talk about, I wanted to just remind you that, you know, from one person who experienced a shit load of trauma to you, if you also have experienced a shit load of trauma in your life.
[SPEAKER_00]: I want to remind you that when we are hit with all this trauma, be it from relationships, my trauma, well, I have several instances of trauma, but the big ball of trauma that I am working through is childhood trauma.
[SPEAKER_00]: And I feel like for some reason, I am going to be kind of like,
[SPEAKER_00]: healing from it for a very long time.
[SPEAKER_00]: And I say this because pretty much my entire childhood to me was just full of trauma.
[SPEAKER_00]: It was.
[SPEAKER_00]: And I say this to say that sometimes we get it in our heads that these things that have happened to us should no longer affect us.
[SPEAKER_00]: that we should be able to move on.
[SPEAKER_00]: Oh, you know, that was my childhood, but I'm in my 40s now.
[SPEAKER_00]: I should be don't, I should be over it.
[SPEAKER_00]: Or that was my childhood, but I'm in my 50s now, or my 60s now, or my 30s now, whatever.
[SPEAKER_00]: And I should be over it, or my 70s now.
[SPEAKER_00]: And I should be over it, you know?
[SPEAKER_00]: But what we have to remember is number one, the body remembers, and number two, like,
[SPEAKER_00]: That the fact that the body remembers like it's a it's it's memory it's memory that is ingrained in us and let me let me talk to you about memory really quickly have us hopefully this analogy makes sense.
[SPEAKER_00]: So recently, I had microlocks.
[SPEAKER_00]: And Chal, like I told a friend, she asked me, why are you taking the microlocks out?
[SPEAKER_00]: And like, first of all, mind your business.
[SPEAKER_00]: But the reason is because I have hand in here syndrome.
[SPEAKER_00]: I like to feel, I like to fondle mushrooms.
[SPEAKER_00]: That's why I don't have braids for a long time.
[SPEAKER_00]: I'm surprised I had the microlocks in for as long as I did.
[SPEAKER_00]: Okay, I tapped out it like month nine.
[SPEAKER_00]: And I ain't ashamed of it.
[SPEAKER_00]: But when I took the microlocks out, was there damage necessarily?
[SPEAKER_00]: No, I had a lot of growth and things like that.
[SPEAKER_00]: However, whatever, what I came to notice was that my hair wasn't and still isn't acting, how it was, like it wasn't the same.
[SPEAKER_00]: as it was before I went into the microlox.
[SPEAKER_00]: Like before I went into the microlox, I could do washing those baby, and then washing those, then things was thanging.
[SPEAKER_00]: Twist out, then things was thanging, okay?
[SPEAKER_00]: Now, not so much.
[SPEAKER_00]: And so I did, I went to Google University, you know, I went to Google University.
[SPEAKER_00]: McMaster, I've got a PhD, masters, bachelor's, like, I, you know, don't say it with Google University.
[SPEAKER_00]: And I, I stumbled upon some information that basically said that when you take your micrologs down, you're like, it's been compressed, it's been shrunked.
[SPEAKER_00]: Okay, it's been compressed, the strands are just like doing like they're compressed and they're like, and it holds on to the memory of that time that it was basically compressed stuffed down, you know,
[SPEAKER_00]: And it takes some time to recover.
[SPEAKER_00]: I thought after the first or second wash, like it may be a deep condition, like bought a boom, bought a bang, the hair is gonna be back to normal.
[SPEAKER_00]: It's gonna be happy hair, okay?
[SPEAKER_00]: My hair's gonna be happy.
[SPEAKER_00]: And I could live my best hair life.
[SPEAKER_00]: because I've done, like, I moisturized my situation.
[SPEAKER_00]: I washed it, I did condition, I did, I used the a clarifying, you know what, why, what's going on with, why is the hair not hearing the same?
[SPEAKER_00]: Why does it, why is it not giving me life?
[SPEAKER_00]: Why does it feel so sad?
[SPEAKER_00]: Why is my hair so sad?
[SPEAKER_00]: And it was because the microlocks, though they didn't damage my hair in this case, the memory of what my hair went through.
[SPEAKER_00]: It's still there.
[SPEAKER_00]: It's still there and it's gonna take some time to get back to happy hair.
[SPEAKER_00]: And I say this to you because though we are not here, we are obviously excuse me, organic natural beings,
[SPEAKER_00]: And the things that you have gone through, excuse me, they have done something to your spirit.
[SPEAKER_00]: They have done something to you physically.
[SPEAKER_00]: They have done things to you mentally.
[SPEAKER_00]: They have shrunk you down.
[SPEAKER_00]: They have compacted you.
[SPEAKER_00]: They have made you parched.
[SPEAKER_00]: in certain areas of your life, they have stripped you down, they have really just compartmentalized you into this small little to where you didn't, you couldn't like expand, you couldn't, you didn't feel free enough to expand and bloom and rise and live your best life and have these healthy habits and things like that.
[SPEAKER_00]: So you weren't, you weren't, you were still growing.
[SPEAKER_00]: like my hair had a lot of growth, so I was still growing, but still the memory of the microlocks and on top of that, on top of that, when you go through some things in life, even if it was just just, I'm doing that in air quotes in case you're listening, not watching, just, let's say it was just something that happened a few times, just happened a few times in your life, right?
[SPEAKER_00]: You know, I don't think that necessarily matters that it only happened a few times.
[SPEAKER_00]: I feel like it happened, period.
[SPEAKER_00]: So while there was some growth, that meant like there were still parts of you that it took some punches.
[SPEAKER_00]: It took some hits, you know, from what you went through, from the things that you experienced, the things that you endured.
[SPEAKER_00]: And so even if it was just,
[SPEAKER_00]: Like sometimes we even say, oh, it was just like we kind of like gaslight ourselves sometimes at least I know that I did for a long time when I was trying to come to terms with like my childhood and things that I went through.
[SPEAKER_00]: I would just like, oh, well, it just this or they didn't mean or they went through, you know, I like I literally was gaslighting myself for a long time, but even even if it just happened a few times, whatever it is, or even if it happened a lot of times, what you have to remember is that even if there were other things in your life,
[SPEAKER_00]: that tried to pour into you, let's say you had your favorite teacher and she just fed you sugar and she loved on you while you were in class.
[SPEAKER_00]: You know what I mean?
[SPEAKER_00]: You just had a really good teacher that saw you for who you are and she nurtured that.
[SPEAKER_00]: Even though that was saving grace,
[SPEAKER_00]: Going back to the hair analogy, when I had the microlocks in and my hair was compacted and it was going through some things, right?
[SPEAKER_00]: The water when I was washing my hair in the microlocks or conditioning my hair in the microlocks, it couldn't really get into where I needed to get into.
[SPEAKER_00]: This is why that memory was like the memory of my hair.
[SPEAKER_00]: It was so compacted and it didn't bounce back.
[SPEAKER_00]: Right?
[SPEAKER_00]: Because the moisture wasn't able to get in.
[SPEAKER_00]: The conditioning treatments weren't able to get in the way that it did when I was, my hair was loose and free and, you know, just living it's happy here life.
[SPEAKER_00]: An un- inhibited or un- not hindered by the
[SPEAKER_00]: Does that make sense what I'm saying?
[SPEAKER_00]: So even if you had bright spots in your life as many of us did, when we took those hits,
[SPEAKER_00]: It was hard for those good times to really kind of like sink in and marinate because you were just so compacted in as a form of protection to your spirit, to your mental health, to your physical health, you kind of like trunk yourself, you compact it.
[SPEAKER_00]: you know, and so once you got out of that situation or once you started doing the work, sometimes we look around and we're like, why is this, I went to therapy for two years.
[SPEAKER_00]: Why I still, why am I still doing with this kind of stuff?
[SPEAKER_00]: Why am I still, you know, I'm saying for me, I can tell you the thing for me that the the the drain that I keep circling, hopefully I'm using that the right way, but the the the there's a few things that I keep
[SPEAKER_00]: like they're still work to be done.
[SPEAKER_00]: They're still work to be done.
[SPEAKER_00]: You know, and I've said this a few times is the money situation.
[SPEAKER_00]: For me, it's the money situation.
[SPEAKER_00]: That is one of the things that it just keeps coming up.
[SPEAKER_00]: I get a certain to a certain level.
[SPEAKER_00]: I get pulled back.
[SPEAKER_00]: I get to a certain level.
[SPEAKER_00]: I get pulled back in different ways.
[SPEAKER_00]: So yes, I am still growing.
[SPEAKER_00]: I am healing.
[SPEAKER_00]: I am definitely, listen, I am definitely doing things in this day and age that I could only dream about.
[SPEAKER_00]: you know, just a few years ago.
[SPEAKER_00]: So I know that the work is working, but sometimes I question like, well, why, why is it taking so long for certain things?
[SPEAKER_00]: I should just be healed already.
[SPEAKER_00]: I should be over it by now.
[SPEAKER_00]: I shouldn't still be feeling those feelings or dealing with those things or like, like, just the back forth, back forth.
[SPEAKER_00]: You know, like I said, like when you for so long, like you're, you have those memories in your body, you may not logically remember them or not logically consciously excuse me, remember every single thing that you've experienced and survived and endured, but your body, baby, your body does not forget.
[SPEAKER_00]: Your body does not forget we can thank the book, the body keeps the score for talking about that in depth.
[SPEAKER_00]: If you haven't had a chance to read, it I encourage you to do so.
[SPEAKER_00]: But just like the memory with the hair.
[SPEAKER_00]: And I know that again, these situations are not exactly the same, but the analogy, it was just perfect for me.
[SPEAKER_00]: It was like, even though you had some good things coming in like my hair was trying to get moisture when I took a shower and washed my hair and things like that, it couldn't really penetrate all the way through.
[SPEAKER_00]: So what you need to do, or what I want you to consider, I should say, if this sounds like you,
[SPEAKER_00]: more blooming.
[SPEAKER_00]: It's a ton more blooming in front of you, you know.
[SPEAKER_00]: But you're like, well, nothing, I should have been, I should have, I should have, I should be over this by now.
[SPEAKER_00]: I should be done by now.
[SPEAKER_00]: And I, girl, no, it just like healing is not a straight line.
[SPEAKER_00]: It's, it's, it's really not.
[SPEAKER_00]: And you're going to find that some areas, it's like, oh, boom.
[SPEAKER_00]: I'm cool, you know what I mean?
[SPEAKER_00]: And others, you just sometimes you just go round and round and round.
[SPEAKER_00]: But what you want to consider is getting your moisturization combination.
[SPEAKER_00]: right to what would like what makes sense for you.
[SPEAKER_00]: Okay.
[SPEAKER_00]: Um, because there's a lot of are still healing that is taking place or needs to take place, right?
[SPEAKER_00]: And so maybe it's maybe you try therapy.
[SPEAKER_00]: Maybe your time for therapy.
[SPEAKER_00]: is over or maybe it's time for a new therapist who has a different outlook or they have a different modality of healing available to you.
[SPEAKER_00]: Maybe your first therapist was more like, okay, I want you to journal, you know, here's some questions for you.
[SPEAKER_00]: And we meet next week, I want you to, um,
[SPEAKER_00]: Let's talk about it and maybe that was good for a certain extent, but now it's just kind of like, I need something different.
[SPEAKER_00]: So maybe your next therapist is like they're doing the journal journaling, but they're also like, let's do some breath work.
[SPEAKER_00]: Let's get into your body, you know.
[SPEAKER_00]: or maybe you need to add a layer of a specific type of yoga to your practice, right?
[SPEAKER_00]: Something that's more gentle, or something that's more high energy, you know?
[SPEAKER_00]: Maybe it is a...
[SPEAKER_00]: being very mindful of the way that you speak to yourself, right?
[SPEAKER_00]: And only allowing certain things to be spoken over you, you know, maybe it's the friends that you're in community with.
[SPEAKER_00]: Maybe you need a new layer of community, a layer that
[SPEAKER_00]: uh, is more than lime it with healing from things and it's serious about blooming because not everyone is not everyone is like in that frame of mind, you know, maybe it's reading certain books, maybe it's not reading any books and just really going within because you've read everything, you've watched all the YouTube videos, you've listened to the podcast, you've, you've had a hundred
[SPEAKER_00]: therapy sessions, you've prayed and prayed and prayed and prayed and prayed, you know, so you've done all the things, maybe it's time to kind of like pause that for a minute.
[SPEAKER_00]: And because sometimes we just get overwhelmed with all the information and all the things that we're doing, right, it's like sometimes our brains, our bodies, our spirits just need a
[SPEAKER_00]: just a season of stillness.
[SPEAKER_00]: So you can process everything and you know sit with the things that you've learned and figure out kind of like really just figure out what it is working and what's not.
[SPEAKER_00]: Sometimes it's hard to do that when you're just going from one thing to the next.
[SPEAKER_00]: So really the moisturization you need may be different.
[SPEAKER_00]: But I want you to know that I don't want you to give up on the process as far as like healing just because things are not happening as fast as you feel like they should.
[SPEAKER_00]: Sometimes you're just going to circle that drain on specific things over and over and over again and I'm coming to understand or figure that.
[SPEAKER_00]: Again, or I should say, I'm not a therapist or anything like that, but I feel like with my type of trauma and with my mindset, I am not sure that I will ever really fully be free of certain things that I went through.
[SPEAKER_00]: giving myself time to expand and not rushing myself, not rushing the process.
[SPEAKER_00]: A part of that expansion is me being okay with possibly not having all the answers necessarily as to like why did this happen or how can I fix myself or how can I hear them saying sometimes for me it's just like
[SPEAKER_00]: let me move forward and not that I'm not trying to heal situations because I feel like that's probably work that I will do for the rest of my life.
[SPEAKER_00]: But now it's also adding the layer of I'm healing and
[SPEAKER_00]: You know what I'm saying?
[SPEAKER_00]: Like I'm healing and I am not allowing my circumstances to any, I am no longer allowing the things that I went through to dictate.
[SPEAKER_00]: like my actions or or the things that I do or how I feel about myself.
[SPEAKER_00]: And you know, when I think about moisturizing, myself, so I can continue to unfold, you know, since the body has this memory.
[SPEAKER_00]: And by moisturizing, I'm talking about like these healing modalities.
[SPEAKER_00]: But when I think about when I think about that,
[SPEAKER_00]: I want to try to say, when I think about that, gosh, I just had like 50 thoughts in my mind and then I lost the one thought that I was trying to give you funny how that works.
[SPEAKER_00]: But in any case, maybe it'll come back to me as I kind of sort of wrap up here.
[SPEAKER_00]: Yeah, I am just, I feel like, um, I, I, how about this, I'm not sure that, oh, that's what I was going to say.
[SPEAKER_00]: I feel as if because of how my, the things that I've gone through, which have created my, my temperament.
[SPEAKER_00]: Because I've experienced depression at least twice in my life, probably more than that, because I never even thought about like childhood depression.
[SPEAKER_00]: I always think about my depression through the lens of my adulthood.
[SPEAKER_00]: So definitely experienced depression several times for sure.
[SPEAKER_00]: I just know that I have to do things daily that prioritize me and if not daily at least several times a week, that is how I moisturize, you know.
[SPEAKER_00]: I'll provide a moisture to my spirit that I can unfold like a bomb, to my body, my mind, my spirit, etc.
[SPEAKER_00]: So I can continue to unfold as I sit with memories that want to shrink me or that have shrunken me for decades.
[SPEAKER_00]: So yeah, I just want to remind you that, you know,
[SPEAKER_00]: It's easy to think that we should be further along the path or on this journey than we are.
[SPEAKER_00]: And I know it can feel that way, but I want to promise you that that's not the case.
[SPEAKER_00]: Your journey is your own.
[SPEAKER_00]: We went through different experiences.
[SPEAKER_00]: We processed them differently the way that those memories like connected to our bodies.
[SPEAKER_00]: our minds, our spirits, like they root it differently in me.
[SPEAKER_00]: We could have gone through the same thing, but it rooted differently in me and caused my folding, if you will, to be different, then the folding that you went through, the shrinking that you went through.
[SPEAKER_00]: So our time periods may be different.
[SPEAKER_00]: I might process it and I'm like, OK, I'm done.
[SPEAKER_00]: I can move on, it may be five years for you, you know, so I don't want you to feel like your journey needs to match anyone else's at any point in this, you know, because the body is an amazing thing as I'm, and as amazing as the body is when it holds on to things that we again, just don't even remember it, it definitely as a form of protection will
[SPEAKER_00]: cause us to do this, because we have to protect ourselves, you know.
[SPEAKER_00]: So I want to live a life where I don't have to be compacted.
[SPEAKER_00]: I don't have to be folded.
[SPEAKER_00]: I don't have to shrink.
[SPEAKER_00]: abundant, you know.
[SPEAKER_00]: And I definitely am further along in my journey than I was in the past.
[SPEAKER_00]: But I know that for me it will still take some time.
[SPEAKER_00]: And in the meantime, I am doing things that help me to embody, you know, the woman that I am and the woman that I am.
[SPEAKER_00]: blooming into because I don't want to do any more is allow like the pain of the past to continue to dictate my future.
[SPEAKER_00]: So again, it takes time.
[SPEAKER_00]: Don't rush yourself.
[SPEAKER_00]: Don't rush the process.
[SPEAKER_00]: Don't beat yourself up.
[SPEAKER_00]: You definitely don't do that.
[SPEAKER_00]: Okay.
[SPEAKER_00]: All right.
[SPEAKER_00]: All right, so that's it for this week's episode of the podcast.
[SPEAKER_00]: I would love to hear your comments.
[SPEAKER_00]: If you are listening to this on Spotify, make sure you leave a comment there.
[SPEAKER_00]: By the way, if you want to support my work, you know, want to buy me a new to help me buy a new journal, coffee, whatever, feel free to
[SPEAKER_00]: leave a donation on cash app or Venmo.
[SPEAKER_00]: My cash app and Venmo are Brown Girl self-care, all right?
[SPEAKER_00]: And I just want to say thank you so much for listening.
[SPEAKER_00]: If you're watching this on YouTube as a part of my 90 day challenge, thank you so much for watching.
[SPEAKER_00]: And if you haven't checked out my YouTube,
[SPEAKER_00]: It's brown girl self care.
[SPEAKER_00]: I'm doing a 90 day transformation and sharing my journey for 90 days of showing up being visible, getting free or free or over the next 90 days and so I would love it if you took a look over there and subscribed and and follow the long and shared also with me in the comments what your freedom journey right now looks like all right.
[SPEAKER_00]: All right, so now that is it for this week's episode.
[SPEAKER_00]: Thank you so much for listening and being a part of this movement that you and I are are growing together and I will see you next Monday for another episode of the Brown Girl Self Care podcast.
[SPEAKER_00]: Take care.