[SPEAKER_01]: Hey everyone, welcome to the Christian Parenting Podcast.
[SPEAKER_00]: Today's conversation is for the parent who has ever laid in bed, replaying the day and wondering, did I completely mess this up or am I ruining my kit?
[SPEAKER_00]: Maybe you last your temper handled something poorly or feel like you're constantly falling short of the parent that you hoped that you'd be.
[SPEAKER_00]: So my guest today is Abby Watchworth, and she is the author of Help.
[SPEAKER_00]: I'm ruining my kids.
[SPEAKER_00]: In this conversation, it's just a breath of fresh air.
[SPEAKER_00]: We talk honestly about parenting guilt, the beauty of repair and repentance.
[SPEAKER_00]: Why community matters so much in motherhood and how God is still at work even through art failures.
[SPEAKER_00]: I think that this episode will really lift a burden off of parents today, so I hope that you enjoy it.
[SPEAKER_00]: Hi Abby, welcome to the Christian Fairington podcast.
[SPEAKER_01]: Thank you so much, Steph.
[SPEAKER_01]: I'm so happy to talk to you.
[SPEAKER_00]: We've basically already recorded a podcast and just talking off camera.
[SPEAKER_00]: We've never met before, but now I feel like we're a fast friends.
[SPEAKER_01]: Yeah, personal podcast.
[SPEAKER_01]: There's just a little personal podcast.
[SPEAKER_00]: Yeah, just getting to know each other.
[SPEAKER_00]: So why don't you tell the people who were not there, which is everyone about yourself, tell us when we can get to know you a little bit.
[SPEAKER_00]: Just let yourself tell your family what you do, all the good things.
[SPEAKER_01]: Well, I just for context, I shared up to this podcast like three minutes late because my kids had an ax outside.
[SPEAKER_01]: So that's, I think maybe that tells you everything you need to know about my stage of life, but I am a mom to three boys.
[SPEAKER_01]: I'm wife to David.
[SPEAKER_01]: He sells real estate.
[SPEAKER_01]: And while he's doing that six days a week, I'm with our kids.
[SPEAKER_01]: I'm school them.
[SPEAKER_01]: And I also have a writing career.
[SPEAKER_01]: I left it speak and teach the Bible, but in the season of life, I don't travel to do that at 10, even I love it.
[SPEAKER_01]: But I do have the opportunity to use and steward words for the chore of God on the written page, which is really cool.
[SPEAKER_01]: So I do that through my newsletter, and then also have a couple of books, one for women who have lost life in the womb.
[SPEAKER_01]: I think a 9, 9 or 10 for children, and then a most recently one for moms who feel like they're ruining their kids.
[SPEAKER_01]: Which was a hard book to write, but I really love how it turned out.
[SPEAKER_00]: Yeah, well, that's what we're talking about today because I, in this podcast world, you get a lot of books and like I just, my husband's I was like, another book.
[SPEAKER_00]: So they're just like in the mail constantly.
[SPEAKER_00]: Yes.
[SPEAKER_00]: And this book came across my desk and I was like immediately.
[SPEAKER_00]: Yes, like I didn't even open it up, but I was like, yes, and then I opened it up.
[SPEAKER_00]: But before I made a decision immediately because I'm like, it's help.
[SPEAKER_01]: It's such a fault need.
[SPEAKER_01]: Yeah, such a fault need.
[SPEAKER_01]: Yes.
[SPEAKER_00]: And like every single parent is going to relate to this book and then I started reading through it and I was like, this is exactly what so many parents need to hear and so I just really want to speak into that fear today.
[SPEAKER_00]: So I guess we can kind of just start there.
[SPEAKER_00]: Like why is that such a fear?
[SPEAKER_00]: Like help, I'm ruining my kids.
[SPEAKER_00]: Because I think I have cried about that to my husband like way more than once.
[SPEAKER_00]: Yeah, I'll say more than I care to admit.
[SPEAKER_01]: You're not alone, literally every time that a friend or an acquaintance or someone would be like, what are you working on?
[SPEAKER_01]: And I'd tell them what was that in the working title of the book?
[SPEAKER_01]: Like, help them run into my kids.
[SPEAKER_01]: People would start crying.
[SPEAKER_01]: They would start divulging specifics.
[SPEAKER_01]: It and everyone.
[SPEAKER_01]: Like, I've never met a mom.
[SPEAKER_01]: that doesn't wrestle with that thought.
[SPEAKER_01]: And you asked why I think if we want to put a positive spin on it, we really love our kids.
[SPEAKER_01]: We take this responsibility really seriously, and we want to do the work well.
[SPEAKER_01]: You know, and that's the positive side of it.
[SPEAKER_01]: The ugly underbelly is that I think we have this subconscious belief, and I say subconscious, because I don't think any of us would say we believe this.
[SPEAKER_01]: But like, if I do X, Y, and Z,
[SPEAKER_01]: than it will produce or result in emotionally stable, psychologically healthy, believing, communing members of the church who are good citizens and contribute to society.
[SPEAKER_01]: And it just doesn't work that way, you know?
[SPEAKER_01]: Like, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's
[SPEAKER_01]: feel I think we believe it's all up to us and if we follow some formula it will go well for our kids and the truth is like always grace and what we do does matter it does and it's not the only thing that matters you know so I think we there's an article that I read about perfectionism that really shaped a large portion of the book but one of the things this article said is perfectionism is
[SPEAKER_01]: that, and that we can't, and if we become like Christ by depending on God more, then trusting a formula, or like trying to be a perfect mom, or it's the literal opposite of what we really want to do here, which is be the most Christ-like mom possible, you know?
[SPEAKER_01]: Yeah.
[SPEAKER_00]: Yeah.
[SPEAKER_01]: So, yeah.
[SPEAKER_00]: Why do you think we, because I'm a type be not perfectionist type of person.
[SPEAKER_00]: How is it to achieve her,
[SPEAKER_00]: I am, it is very confusing.
[SPEAKER_01]: Yeah, I'm right there with you.
[SPEAKER_01]: I'm type C. That's what you're probably.
[SPEAKER_00]: Yes, that's, yes.
[SPEAKER_00]: It is very confusing to be in achieving type that probably has a little 80D in type B because I am very good at systems because I have to.
[SPEAKER_00]: They don't come naturally to me, but I have to have systems in order to achieve the things I want to achieve.
[SPEAKER_00]: I don't know, it's a whole mess.
[SPEAKER_00]: But it's fine.
[SPEAKER_00]: We're, we're just good.
[SPEAKER_01]: You accomplish the things that matter.
[SPEAKER_01]: You know, that's, yeah, I think that's positive.
[SPEAKER_01]: Well, thank you.
[SPEAKER_01]: You're welcome.
[SPEAKER_00]: I mean, I'm going to run with that.
[SPEAKER_00]: I don't even know where to get my help.
[SPEAKER_00]: But as not a perfectionist, there is that tendency, though, with parenting to be like, I need to do this perfectly.
[SPEAKER_00]: I need to follow the formula.
[SPEAKER_00]: Like, why do we do that to ourselves?
[SPEAKER_00]: Yeah, all of us.
[SPEAKER_01]: Yeah, it's ironic because I think, you know, in certain situations when I have no idea what I'm doing, I'm so happy for someone to take the lead, but mother had just really, and I think,
[SPEAKER_01]: Because they are really dependent on us when they get here, you know, whether it's through adoption or through birth, this you have this tiny person that's like, oh my gosh.
[SPEAKER_01]: Yeah, if I don't take care of you, you're not going to make it.
[SPEAKER_01]: You know, and so there is a lot of pressure the problem is we just forget who got is when we believe that lie of it's all up to me.
[SPEAKER_00]: Yeah.
[SPEAKER_00]: Well, and then I think we get stuck in this cycle of there's like conviction in feeling like oops, I messed up as a mom or maybe I did something I shouldn't, you know, like I need to reset our family needs a little reset and then there's shame.
[SPEAKER_01]: Yeah.
[SPEAKER_00]: And we really get stuck there.
[SPEAKER_00]: I think it's very easy when it comes to parenting to get stuck into shame.
[SPEAKER_00]: So like how can we know the difference between, oh, I need a reset and I am stuck and I need some grace.
[SPEAKER_01]: Yeah, I think I was actually talking to one of my kids about this this morning because and I repeatedly say to this, you probably guess which one it is in the birth order.
[SPEAKER_01]: But I wouldn't have got to say, but I completely say to them, let's not take it.
[SPEAKER_01]: You know, I did a bad thing that brought a bad person, you know, and so with motherhood, I like to propose, let's let our I am statements inform I like what we do instead of letting our I did statements inform who we believe we are.
[SPEAKER_01]: So an example would be
[SPEAKER_01]: I yelled at my kids.
[SPEAKER_01]: Therefore, I am a bad mom.
[SPEAKER_01]: Versus, I am a child of God.
[SPEAKER_01]: I am someone who has adopted loved redeemed forgiven accepted seated with Christ in the heavenly places.
[SPEAKER_01]: And I yelled at my kids.
[SPEAKER_01]: Therefore, I'm going to repent of that and then return to this identity and live out of this identity that I'm loved redeemed forgiven accepted.
[SPEAKER_01]: And I think that what happens with us is
[SPEAKER_01]: And then just keep blowing it because of what we believe about ourselves or the power, bad, or whatever.
[SPEAKER_01]: But the difference between conviction and shame is like conviction is an invitation.
[SPEAKER_01]: I've a pastor who all the time he says repentance is an invitation to joy.
[SPEAKER_01]: And that's what that is.
[SPEAKER_01]: Like, we, that achy feeling and the story said to my son this morning, like, you don't have to hold that.
[SPEAKER_01]: You get to lay that at the feet of Jesus who already bore it.
[SPEAKER_01]: And then you take a deep breath and ask for the spirit's help to do better, to be made different, to be transformed from the inside out.
[SPEAKER_01]: You know?
[SPEAKER_01]: Yeah.
[SPEAKER_01]: And that's really the heart behind this book too, is that the gospel is not just good news for moms who make mistakes.
[SPEAKER_01]: It's not just comforting for us, like you're forgiven.
[SPEAKER_01]: It's also good news because it changes us.
[SPEAKER_01]: It doesn't leave us in this place where we're people who yell at our kids because of all these idols.
[SPEAKER_01]: Like he uproots those idols, he reorders our loves so that we can love our kids as neighbors instead of using them as sources of identity or
[SPEAKER_00]: Yeah.
[SPEAKER_01]: Yeah.
[SPEAKER_00]: I love that repentance as an invitation to joy.
[SPEAKER_01]: It's not amazing.
[SPEAKER_00]: That's so such a simple phrase, but it sounds so radical too.
[SPEAKER_00]: And I think so many people, if they're not Christians and not following Jesus, like they hear kind of the gospel in the idea of Christianity.
[SPEAKER_00]: I don't like this repentance thing.
[SPEAKER_00]: Sounds so restricting.
[SPEAKER_01]: Yeah.
[SPEAKER_01]: Well, I think it sounds like, like, if you ever had, if you've ever said, I'm sorry, and someone's like, you should be, like, I think that's what people think of repentance as, is God's and, like, you should be sorry.
[SPEAKER_01]: And it's not like that.
[SPEAKER_01]: It's us agreeing with God about the nature of our sin and who we should be and inviting His searching so that we can be made like Him.
[SPEAKER_01]: That's amazing.
[SPEAKER_01]: And really, we don't have to carry that achy feelings of guilt and shame.
[SPEAKER_01]: It's best.
[SPEAKER_01]: It's the best.
[SPEAKER_01]: I know what it's so hard to do.
[SPEAKER_01]: It's so well.
[SPEAKER_01]: Yeah, that's I actually when I speak to mom scripts, that's something I say is I'm like, I think we're so good at admitting we're wrong and we're so bad at repenting.
[SPEAKER_01]: Like, we'll have to enter literally a sense of like, okay, yeah, come on.
[SPEAKER_01]: Thanks for asking me, ma'am.
[SPEAKER_00]: You're welcome.
[SPEAKER_01]: So one of them is intellectual and one of them is relational.
[SPEAKER_01]: And so I messed up.
[SPEAKER_01]: That's not right.
[SPEAKER_01]: This isn't who I am.
[SPEAKER_01]: Whatever, all of that is intellectual.
[SPEAKER_01]: When we start seeing father against you and you only have I sent, that's relational.
[SPEAKER_01]: and change is a relational process.
[SPEAKER_01]: There's no amount of guilt or shame or self-speech that's gonna produce true and lasting change.
[SPEAKER_01]: True and lasting change happens by the power of the spirit of God.
[SPEAKER_01]: It's relational, changes a relational process.
[SPEAKER_00]: So break down what in your mind that looks like when it comes to parenting and our kids, cause I think like, hey, we'll be honest and say, I flipped out on my oldest a couple of weeks ago.
[SPEAKER_01]: I love that you're telling me.
[SPEAKER_00]: It was bad.
[SPEAKER_00]: It was really bad.
[SPEAKER_00]: And I felt so horrible afterwards.
[SPEAKER_00]: And we're stealing.
[SPEAKER_00]: Like, oh my gosh, I just, it was, it was really bad.
[SPEAKER_00]: It's been a really stressful few months here in everything just, you know, just, it happens.
[SPEAKER_00]: But like, so to repair that, like, at first, it's like, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
[SPEAKER_00]: And then it had to move into an actual conversation and a confession to him and praying together.
[SPEAKER_00]: But like what is in your mind?
[SPEAKER_00]: What does that look like?
[SPEAKER_00]: Because I didn't want to just say, okay, mom yelled at you, I'm a mom.
[SPEAKER_00]: I get that privilege sometimes because I'm a mom.
[SPEAKER_00]: I'm a grown-up.
[SPEAKER_00]: I think it's due to that.
[SPEAKER_00]: You know, like, sorry.
[SPEAKER_00]: But I wanted it to be, I'm so sorry.
[SPEAKER_00]: Like, sinned against the Lord, sinned against you.
[SPEAKER_00]: Like how I want you to know how much I care about you and it fix this relationship because I don't want it to damage it.
[SPEAKER_00]: You know, like, right.
[SPEAKER_00]: How do we do that?
[SPEAKER_01]: Well, first of all, your kids are so blessed to have you as a mom and stuff, like that you are humble, repentant, able to admit your wrong and desiring to restore relationship.
[SPEAKER_01]: And that is like I know there's so much shame over.
[SPEAKER_01]: yelling at your kids, losing it, whatever.
[SPEAKER_01]: But that is evidence of the spirit of work in your life.
[SPEAKER_01]: And it's so encouraging to me.
[SPEAKER_01]: It spurs me on, you know.
[SPEAKER_01]: Here's the power of the gospel for a believing mom, though.
[SPEAKER_01]: Is I noticed this with my kids?
[SPEAKER_01]: I don't know if you see this.
[SPEAKER_01]: Like when they brawn one another, what they want is for it not to happen or for it not to have consequences.
[SPEAKER_01]: And so what I often see is like, and I will say to them, like it's concern before defense.
[SPEAKER_01]: So, if you hurt him, even if it's an accident or whatever, instead of saying I didn't mean to, or here's why it's okay, or whatever, the first thing to say is, are you okay?
[SPEAKER_01]: You know, and let it be about that person.
[SPEAKER_01]: And here's the thing, I think repentance should come before repair.
[SPEAKER_01]: And what I mean is, we need to deal with our family for God before we own our sin in front of our kids.
[SPEAKER_01]: And here's why.
[SPEAKER_01]: Because if we walk up to our kids to repair before we have repented, then we are going to look to them for absolution, for justification, and to hear that it's okay.
[SPEAKER_01]: But the thing is, it's not okay, but it can be forgiven.
[SPEAKER_01]: And when I know that what I did is forgiven before God, and when I know that I'm right with God, when I stand before my child and offer them an apology, two things are gonna happen.
[SPEAKER_01]: When, if I say, I'm sorry, but you were unhinged and you deserved it, that's not an apology, right?
[SPEAKER_01]: And I don't need to excuse my sin if the judge of all the earth has already dealt with it.
[SPEAKER_01]: So instead, I can go to my kids and say, hey, I am sorry, you may have been new in XYZ, but you are not responsible for my actions.
[SPEAKER_01]: There is no excuse for what I did, and it is not on you.
[SPEAKER_01]: It is totally on me.
[SPEAKER_01]: That level of ownership, I think, can only come out of the security that the gospel provides.
[SPEAKER_01]: So we don't need absolutely shim from them.
[SPEAKER_01]: And then, if they don't forgive us, we're not placing on them the burden of, like, you have to
[SPEAKER_01]: I need you for, like, we're emotionally dysregulated, meaning them to be okay.
[SPEAKER_01]: It's like, if they're like, I'm not ready, we can say, you know what?
[SPEAKER_01]: I want and create your forgiveness, and I understand why this may be hard.
[SPEAKER_01]: Does it make sense like this saddledness that identity piece, we're not needing it from our kids because we got it from God, so we don't have to place that burden on them.
[SPEAKER_00]: Yeah.
[SPEAKER_01]: And they get things loved as neighbors, not as sources about solution or justification or identity, right?
[SPEAKER_01]: Which we still often put on them.
[SPEAKER_00]: So once some of the phrases we use in our house is we often say it's not okay, but I forgive you Yes, it's not okay.
[SPEAKER_00]: It's okay.
[SPEAKER_00]: I'm like no, it's not okay But we can forgive yes, and like a lot of times my kids want to be like they didn't see if I forgive you They didn't say forgive you and we always have to pause and remind them like they might not be ready yet
[SPEAKER_00]: Yeah, like they might not be ready yet and that's a hit.
[SPEAKER_01]: Yeah.
[SPEAKER_00]: And then we also tell them the only person you control is yourself.
[SPEAKER_00]: Yes, because it is so easy to be like
[SPEAKER_00]: I'm sorry, but you were unhinged as though it's absolutely their fault or like I'm sorry, but you did this and it's like, well, they did, but that doesn't mean you get to act in anger.
[SPEAKER_01]: Yes, and here's a really intuitive discipleship is living the Christian life in front of our kids, right?
[SPEAKER_01]: So we're modeling what does it look like to own our son and if they constantly hear us saying, I'm sorry, but what are we training them to do?
[SPEAKER_01]: I'm sorry, but yes, so when my son is like sassy or something, and I say, hey, that is not the way you talked to me.
[SPEAKER_01]: And then he says, I'm sorry, but I'm tired, or I'm sorry, but I'm hungry.
[SPEAKER_01]: I have trained him to reach for his uses.
[SPEAKER_01]: But you said something earlier that I kind of want to circle back to your speaking of excuses.
[SPEAKER_01]: So you said you,
[SPEAKER_01]: lost it on your sign and then you mentioned that things have been really crazy and I think this matters and here's what I think you're tapping into that mom's really need to do to understand the relationship between excuses and explanations.
[SPEAKER_01]: So you didn't make an excuse but you did provide an explanation and explanations are really valuable.
[SPEAKER_01]: It's not as if we should say like, you know, there's no excuse and then stop there and never consider that we were hungry or tired or whatever.
[SPEAKER_01]: explanations are really powerful because what they help us to do is pursue agency to whip sober mindedly as Peter tells us to so that we can walk it back to all steps and say, okay, I lost it on him and I can have compassion.
[SPEAKER_01]: I can receive God's grace for my sin, which it was and I can have compassion for me as a frail human being who's in a hard situation, which God does.
[SPEAKER_01]: He can have grace and mercy for us at the same time.
[SPEAKER_01]: We are both sinners and
[SPEAKER_01]: And I think the other thing that we need to consider is like before Adam and Eve fell, they were limited before the fall.
[SPEAKER_01]: They needed sleep, food, each other.
[SPEAKER_01]: And so we also have human needs that help us maintain the agent, like when we meet them, help us maintain the agency that we need to be sober-minded and pursue righteousness.
[SPEAKER_01]: So for moms, I think it's really important.
[SPEAKER_01]: to say I did that but I'm not responsible because I was hungry.
[SPEAKER_01]: But to say I did that it was inexcusable and next time I'm going to back a snack for me or next time I'm going to realize they're going to drink all my water and I should bring some more or whatever it is that we would be tempted to excuse our sin.
[SPEAKER_01]: That's a way we can pursue right just to walk it back 12 steps.
[SPEAKER_01]: Maybe I shouldn't have committed devont here on Christmas Eve when I was also hosting my whole family and yelled at my kids on the way to church.
[SPEAKER_01]: Maybe I shouldn't have stayed up so late watching Netflix with my husband because my son's waking up at 5.30 every day right now and I'm not ready to meet his needs.
[SPEAKER_01]: You know those and so like we had a big event this week and I know I need to be really gentle with a star of our week because I'm tired.
[SPEAKER_00]: Yes.
[SPEAKER_01]: And praise on weakness, right?
[SPEAKER_01]: So we're just going to take it easy.
[SPEAKER_01]: We're going to play outside a lot.
[SPEAKER_01]: We're going to be take a lot of brain breaks.
[SPEAKER_01]: So we're trying to do school.
[SPEAKER_01]: That's a lot of words, but I think we could all kindle up and are like a pendulum when we should just be holding things in tension of like I am a center and a sucker and a human being as I excuse, but it is an explanation that can help me parent the way that God asks me to.
[SPEAKER_00]: Yeah.
[SPEAKER_00]: And how do moms like hold that?
[SPEAKER_00]: And like take time to figure that out for themselves because we don't get to have a pause button.
[SPEAKER_00]: We don't, you know, like sometimes we're running at the door and we forget the snack.
[SPEAKER_00]: Like what would you encourage me to be to moms to like actually stop and look at what they need in order to parent well because
[SPEAKER_00]: When I look at what I set like it's been a stressful few months like not sleeping enough, you know, not in the word enough, you know, many crazy situations on my shoulders as though they're whole mind to hold, you know, like all those things is like I need to stop.
[SPEAKER_00]: That's when I recognize like I need to stop and you know.
[SPEAKER_00]: reset here.
[SPEAKER_00]: It's like how do how do we make time to do that when it's so hard and we're so busy.
[SPEAKER_01]: Yeah, I love I love that you're asking that question.
[SPEAKER_01]: I have two recommendations.
[SPEAKER_01]: The first one is and this is going to sound very type A, but I'm type B.
[SPEAKER_01]: It's like you can do it type C really.
[SPEAKER_01]: It's like
[SPEAKER_01]: spend a day chronically how you spend your time, like really take an honest assessment of what you're actually doing.
[SPEAKER_01]: And then I think look at their things and say, what is necessary?
[SPEAKER_01]: If you're frazzled all the time, if you feel truly overwhelmed, a friend of mine actually did this with me a couple months ago on a whiteboard stuff.
[SPEAKER_01]: She was like, let's figure out which of these balls are rubber and which are glass, and we need to let some of these balls bounce.
[SPEAKER_01]: You know, and we did,
[SPEAKER_01]: You know what?
[SPEAKER_01]: I'm a kinder because of it.
[SPEAKER_01]: And one of the things I love to say is I can be competent or I can be kind.
[SPEAKER_01]: I can fain capability or I can be kind and like only one of those things is a moral mandate.
[SPEAKER_01]: You know, we're supposed to boast in our weakness because it makes much of Christ.
[SPEAKER_01]: So I think that stepping away from things can be a true act of repentance, especially if we run to the things we feel good at because motherhood makes us feel insecure.
[SPEAKER_01]: You know?
[SPEAKER_01]: So yeah.
[SPEAKER_01]: I think taking inventory of how you're spending your time is one thing you can do and then this is a common grace resource but Dan Seagull who's a like nearest science psychology guy.
[SPEAKER_01]: He has something called a healthy mind platter.
[SPEAKER_01]: You can Google this and see it but it's basically like we don't just need sleep and food and community whatever.
[SPEAKER_01]: In order for our brains to function optimally, and for us to really feel like we have choices, which that's what's really happening when we send, as we feel like that's the only choice we have.
[SPEAKER_01]: Right.
[SPEAKER_01]: And so it's good for us to maintain the ability to say, I'm going to choose right just this year.
[SPEAKER_01]: and for us to do that, the healthy mind platter is like all the things you need on your plate to nourish your brain.
[SPEAKER_01]: And so they're like, time in, connecting time, time in no task, whatever.
[SPEAKER_01]: And so I would like print a table of that and then just look at your week and see where you're getting that.
[SPEAKER_01]: This is one of the reasons I joined a gym with childcare is because it met like almost all the boxes for me to go there every day.
[SPEAKER_01]: Yes.
[SPEAKER_01]: Cause I got time with friends.
[SPEAKER_01]: There was that connection time.
[SPEAKER_01]: I got time without my kids.
[SPEAKER_01]: time where I wasn't strategizing, you know, I'm just like lifting weights and listening to the music and laughing with buddies.
[SPEAKER_01]: And it's changed a time for me, you know?
[SPEAKER_01]: And then you were time out needing to be in the word, I think when we look at our time, necessities the mother of invention, right?
[SPEAKER_01]: So if we really believe we need God's word, maybe we can take it to the bathroom with us instead of our phone, you know, like given three to five minutes.
[SPEAKER_01]: and just get that.
[SPEAKER_01]: And so it might not look like the 30 minutes that you want.
[SPEAKER_01]: But I think we sometimes it really is good to make a list of like these are the things I must do.
[SPEAKER_01]: And these this is when I'm going to do it, you know?
[SPEAKER_01]: And if you're consistently walking out the door without a snack or something, like make a standard operating procedure for leaving the house, like a visible checklist, did you get XYZ?
[SPEAKER_01]: And that's why you can pursue
[SPEAKER_01]: righteousness, but I think we need to take our sin seriously and literally like we are asked to be on guard.
[SPEAKER_01]: And that's one of the ways we can be on guard.
[SPEAKER_01]: Not today's Satan, I packed a snack.
[SPEAKER_00]: It's a snack.
[SPEAKER_00]: I was system now, but I don't forget my snack.
[SPEAKER_01]: And it's not as if our faith is in the system, right?
[SPEAKER_01]: It's not as if if I get all the like items on the healthy mind platter, I'll be a godly mom.
[SPEAKER_01]: But it is it is as if we pursue
[SPEAKER_01]: Our faith isn't in those things, but we're being faithful by pursuing them for the glory of God.
[SPEAKER_00]: Yeah, you know, yeah.
[SPEAKER_00]: I love how you talk like frequently throughout that whole whole bit there about community and you may not have even realized you're doing it, but your friend who made a list with you on your whiteboard and joining the gym like lifetime, fitness, saved my early years of parenting.
[SPEAKER_00]: I love it.
[SPEAKER_00]: We love Lifetime Fitness.
[SPEAKER_00]: I love it.
[SPEAKER_00]: I just, I actually, I wrote a book, if people don't know that, and I dedicated in my acknowledgments, I acknowledged lifetime.
[SPEAKER_00]: Because I wrote half my book there in the child care, and when I wasn't writing, I was with my friends being filled up, and it just is so important to be able to be with community, literally, think to burn boot camp.
[SPEAKER_01]: I, and they actually were girls, and they were like, we write a book the same way, we lift weights, one rapid a time.
[SPEAKER_00]: That's what they were like always telling me when I was
[SPEAKER_00]: That's true.
[SPEAKER_00]: It is sweet.
[SPEAKER_00]: Yeah, but it's just I think that it was such a special time for me in my life.
[SPEAKER_00]: I mean, I still go all the time with a girlfriend, but to be able to drop my kids off in a safe place and be with my friends who were also Christians and we would, you know, spray each other on and be like, yeah, this sounds like you need to work on this or look at you.
[SPEAKER_00]: This is so amazing.
[SPEAKER_00]: You're look what God's doing in my life.
[SPEAKER_00]: Like community is so important and it's really easy to overlook that.
[SPEAKER_00]: Okay, I was just speaking at a mom's group and her mom co now and one of the girls at my table It's like so is it easier to find community now that your kids are older and I just had to look at her and like it's never easy You just have to do it and everyone's looking for a friend.
[SPEAKER_00]: Yeah, like everyone's looking for a friend and we need each other
[SPEAKER_01]: You need each other, and that actually, like, if you're, if you're saying, I want to be different, I want to be a better mom, typically, there are four things that God uses to transform us by the power of his spirit, and it's his word, prayer, community, and hardship.
[SPEAKER_01]: And so that's literally one of the pieces.
[SPEAKER_01]: If you want to be a Christ's like mom, community is one, like, it's a quarter of the recipe, you know?
[SPEAKER_00]: Yeah, yeah, yeah.
[SPEAKER_00]: Okay, so for people who are listening and they're like, why I feel like I messed up my kid today.
[SPEAKER_00]: I ruined my kid today.
[SPEAKER_00]: What encouragement do you have for them?
[SPEAKER_00]: That she has not ruined her kid and she has not missed her chance.
[SPEAKER_01]: Yeah, to raise well.
[SPEAKER_01]: First I would say like you are affecting them.
[SPEAKER_01]: you are.
[SPEAKER_01]: And you will affect them negatively because you're a simple person.
[SPEAKER_01]: You will be the source of some of their wins and gaps and that's inevitable.
[SPEAKER_01]: So, and I don't say that to say like just see yourself with the fact that like there's no hope, you know, because that's part two is that there is literally nothing that's beyond redemption.
[SPEAKER_01]: Do you want to get sciencey about it like the brain neuroplasticity is a thing like brains can heal and change in a big part of that with kids is repair It makes a difference to go to your kid and say I blew it and you're not responsible for my behavior that it's it's not as if it undoes what you did But it's sort of as and it builds resent resilience in them that's going to help them to be the kind of spouse who doesn't tuck tail and run a first sign of conflict
[SPEAKER_01]: You know, if they're going to be people who can hang in through hard church situations, because they're like, I know that reconciliation can recur after rupture.
[SPEAKER_01]: My mom taught me that.
[SPEAKER_01]: You know, and you every time that you blow it in front of your kids, you have an opportunity to model repentance.
[SPEAKER_01]: And here's why that's so amazing.
[SPEAKER_01]: That is the way.
[SPEAKER_01]: that we inherit the kingdom of God by grace through faith in what Christ has done, which begins with the acknowledgement of our sin and our new first Savior.
[SPEAKER_01]: And your kids don't need a perfect example.
[SPEAKER_01]: They have that in Jesus.
[SPEAKER_01]: And before you can be there, example, he has to be their Savior.
[SPEAKER_00]: And you can't be their Savior.
[SPEAKER_01]: you know, so the example we offer them is how to run to Jesus.
[SPEAKER_01]: So I know it feels so weird to be like, we can be grateful for the opportunity that failing them creates, you know.
[SPEAKER_01]: And that's the other thing that I would communicate to your kid to is like, my mom actually left a comment on one of my posts the other day.
[SPEAKER_01]: I was like, I think I already ruined my kids and I was just like, mom, how is that supposed to make me feel, you know?
[SPEAKER_01]: But I think we need to be careful when we're talking to our kids about
[SPEAKER_01]: our perceived or feared effect on them.
[SPEAKER_01]: And communicate to them that God is at work in their lives and capable of using them to accomplish and incredible things for His kingdom.
[SPEAKER_01]: And he can use our faithfulness to that end 100% like through discipleship, Bible reading, prayer, teaching them, loving them, singing with them, playing with them, and he can use our failures.
[SPEAKER_01]: And sorry, I really blew it.
[SPEAKER_01]: Even maybe through some of the wounds and gaps that those things create, he might be molding them into empathetic people who are counselors or, you know, like you never and he can use our faithfulness, our failures, and he can use things like nothing to do with us.
[SPEAKER_01]: The gym catch child care workers, you know, and that's part of why community matters.
[SPEAKER_01]: We need other people to come along side us and shepherd and love our kids.
[SPEAKER_01]: We cannot be it.
[SPEAKER_01]: We cannot be everything to them.
[SPEAKER_01]: So that would be my encouragement is like he can use your faithfulness, he can use your failures, and he can use things that have nothing to do with you.
[SPEAKER_01]: And I think when we truly relax into the Brownins of God, we can pair it with a sense of delight instead of a feeling with a dread.
[SPEAKER_01]: Like I get to be part of the work he's doing in the lives of my kids.
[SPEAKER_00]: Yeah.
[SPEAKER_01]: I'm so afraid I'm gonna blow it.
[SPEAKER_01]: And that's another reason being in the word really help.
[SPEAKER_01]: Staff is like,
[SPEAKER_01]: look at the hall of faith.
[SPEAKER_01]: It's filled with people who seriously blew it and are comfortable and used by God.
[SPEAKER_01]: You know, so that's going to be such an encouragement to us that those are the people God chooses to use.
[SPEAKER_00]: Yeah, we don't have to hold it all on our own.
[SPEAKER_00]: No, it's much as we want to.
[SPEAKER_00]: Like we just really do as moms, we just endats to, but like we just really want to hold the weight of our kids' features on our shoulders.
[SPEAKER_01]: And that's the beauty of
[SPEAKER_01]: because in those moments, we know we can't do it.
[SPEAKER_01]: And that's it yet, because otherwise we're deceived.
[SPEAKER_00]: Yeah, it's a good reminder.
[SPEAKER_00]: I mean, that's a hard reminder to hear.
[SPEAKER_01]: Yeah, it's not a pleasant situation, but I'm gonna have to go down some years and repair as soon as we hang up for how I handled the thing with the axe.
[SPEAKER_00]: Well, I mean, it was an axe, so I feel it.
[SPEAKER_01]: So well, yeah, but the kid, the kid that I yelled, which I get West kind of in emergency, but he had taken it to go put it away, but he was the one holding it.
[SPEAKER_01]: And so I just need to go down and make sure that he knows.
[SPEAKER_01]: I'm grateful, and he was here with the right thing.
[SPEAKER_01]: And I need to go talk to the one he took her from.
[SPEAKER_00]: lots of conversations.
[SPEAKER_00]: How do you ever feel like you're listening to this podcast or any parenting podcast with two people who have everything put together?
[SPEAKER_00]: This is your conversation to come back to.
[SPEAKER_00]: So you know that we don't.
[SPEAKER_00]: We're just figuring it out too.
[SPEAKER_00]: I get to ask the questions everyone else wants to know.
[SPEAKER_01]: Yeah.
[SPEAKER_01]: We all need Jesus every single one of us.
[SPEAKER_01]: Yeah.
[SPEAKER_00]: We all we all do.
[SPEAKER_00]: Can you tell us how we can connect with you and get your book and all of the things.
[SPEAKER_01]: Yeah, the book is available anywhere books are sold.
[SPEAKER_01]: I would love if you would walk in and buy them for Barnes and Noble so they restock them, you know,
[SPEAKER_01]: I'm personally very proud of the audio book, so if you have Spotify or audible, that's it's very digestible, I think.
[SPEAKER_01]: And then I'm at AbbeyWechat.com and you can find out more about subscribing to my newsletter there.
[SPEAKER_01]: And I post, I try to post consistently on Instagram, at AbbeyWechat, or at the ABBEY web to like a shoe where if I count as it were.
[SPEAKER_01]: Um, those are kind of the places I need them on the web.
[SPEAKER_00]: Perfect.
[SPEAKER_00]: I'll put that all in show notes that people can find it easily.
[SPEAKER_01]: You're stuff.
[SPEAKER_01]: I'm so grateful for your hospitality and truly, like, I feel spurred on by your example and your humility and just feel grateful for what you're doing.
[SPEAKER_00]: Thank you.
[SPEAKER_00]: I'm so glad that we had to connect and have this conversation.
[SPEAKER_00]: I think it'll be helpful to many parents listening.
[SPEAKER_00]: Thank you for your patience.
[SPEAKER_00]: I loved this conversation with Abby because it reminds us that our kids do not need perfect parents.
[SPEAKER_00]: They need parents who know how to run to Jesus, repent, repair, and keep showing up with grace.
[SPEAKER_00]: If this episode encourages you, please send it to another parent who may need the reminder that they haven't read their kids, and they haven't missed their chance to parent well.
[SPEAKER_00]: You can connect with Abby on her website and on Instagram, and I'll link her book help I'm reading my kids in the show note, so please go check that out.
[SPEAKER_00]: And as always, if this podcast encourages you, it would mean so much if you left a reading, or review, or share it with that episode with a friend.
[SPEAKER_00]: Thank you so much for being here, may God bless you this week, may you rest in the truth that God never ask you to be your child's savior.
[SPEAKER_00]: And may you walk in humility when you fail, courage when parenting feels hard, and confidence that God is faithfully at work and your kids' lives even in the imperfect moments.