WEBVTT 00:02.113 --> 00:07.461 [SPEAKER_01]: Welcome to Sexology, a podcast that untangles the science of sex and pleasure. 00:07.982 --> 00:15.153 [SPEAKER_01]: And now, with this week's episode, your host, Clinical Psychologist, Dr. Naseneen Moali. 00:16.875 --> 00:28.880 [SPEAKER_02]: Welcome back to the 6ology podcast, I'm your host, Dr. Nazanine Mooli, and today we're talking about men's sex and some of the beliefs that may be quietly sabotaging intimacy. 00:29.500 --> 00:33.322 [SPEAKER_02]: I often hear men say things like, I should know what I'm doing. 00:33.702 --> 00:39.145 [SPEAKER_02]: I need to stay hard, or if my partner isn't satisfied, I'm fail. 00:39.565 --> 00:42.186 [SPEAKER_02]: And what strikes me is how many men are 00:46.928 --> 00:49.290 [SPEAKER_02]: So today, we're asking some big questions. 00:50.191 --> 00:54.054 [SPEAKER_02]: Our movement actually having sex or performing sex. 00:54.795 --> 00:58.778 [SPEAKER_02]: Why do so many men tie their self-world to their erections? 00:59.439 --> 01:04.383 [SPEAKER_02]: Why are some men comfortable having sex but terrified of talking about sex? 01:05.083 --> 01:14.175 [SPEAKER_02]: And what are the beliefs about desire, masculinity and intimacy that creates unnecessary stress and disconnection in long-term relationships? 01:15.016 --> 01:18.660 [SPEAKER_02]: My guess is David Chambers, Father of the Authentic Man. 01:19.241 --> 01:23.506 [SPEAKER_02]: David's work focuses on helping men move beyond performance. 01:24.187 --> 01:31.069 [SPEAKER_02]: fear and validation seeking so they can create deeper, healthier and more fulfilling relationships. 01:31.689 --> 01:47.293 [SPEAKER_02]: His own journey from struggling with commitment, infidelity and unhealthy relationships to helping men cultivate genuine confidence and connection gives him a unique perspective on what men are really carrying beneath the surface. 01:48.173 --> 01:52.856 [SPEAKER_02]: And before we dive in, I want to share a free resource for the man-lessening. 01:53.416 --> 02:06.783 [SPEAKER_02]: If you ever experience anxiety, pressure, or stress viewing sex, we create a free course designed to help you understand what's happening and learn practical tools for filling more confidence and present. 02:07.484 --> 02:09.545 [SPEAKER_02]: You can access it in the show notes. 02:10.005 --> 02:11.226 [SPEAKER_01]: Alright, let's dive in. 02:15.324 --> 02:20.246 [SPEAKER_02]: Hello and welcome back to another episode of the 6-ology podcast. 02:20.486 --> 02:26.509 [SPEAKER_02]: I am so excited to welcome back David Chambers who are sure David will come to our show. 02:27.449 --> 02:28.810 [SPEAKER_00]: I'm wonderful to be back again. 02:29.289 --> 02:50.577 [SPEAKER_02]: I had the pleasure of being on David's show yesterday with the interview for his show, so I feel like we had this in-depth conversation about what gets in the way for people to be able to experience more desire, connect with their partner, so and they would have he has this wonderful YouTube channel that you can watch there. 02:50.957 --> 02:56.159 [SPEAKER_02]: whole interview there in August so I'm very excited about that. 02:56.299 --> 03:02.241 [SPEAKER_02]: Today we're going to talk about more of a male perspective when it comes to sex. 03:02.821 --> 03:06.823 [SPEAKER_02]: This episode we're going to kind of angle it mostly toward heterosexual 03:07.403 --> 03:15.368 [SPEAKER_02]: system their dynamic, and so if we're using these broad terms, that's what we're intended to do. 03:15.948 --> 03:24.673 [SPEAKER_02]: So I know that we have talked about the barriers people have experienced around access in desire, in general. 03:24.813 --> 03:29.516 [SPEAKER_02]: But in this episode, there are eye-kingers specifically, as I mentioned, for men in relationships. 03:29.536 --> 03:33.519 [SPEAKER_02]: So David, what do you think is the most damaging thing? 03:33.719 --> 03:35.079 [SPEAKER_02]: Men are taught about sex. 03:36.080 --> 03:38.881 [SPEAKER_02]: that they are almost everyone still believes it. 03:39.581 --> 03:56.947 [SPEAKER_00]: Yeah, what I see constantly for men is that sex is something that they do with their partner, with a woman, and that it's kind of on them to create the experience, like they should know how to create beautiful experiences just off the bat. 03:57.507 --> 04:01.208 [SPEAKER_00]: So what I see is that they believe this, they've created a lot of pressure for them, 04:04.949 --> 04:20.573 [SPEAKER_00]: is not as a connected experience of two people connecting and conversating and getting to know each other, but like a collection of techniques that he must deliver in a way that actually these suppliers and actually these in being very disconnected kind of from his own body and the moment as well. 04:21.053 --> 04:30.077 [SPEAKER_02]: When you brought that up, I was reflecting on the other conversations I had, a conversation I had in the past about thinking about sex as a sport. 04:30.437 --> 04:40.061 [SPEAKER_02]: So like how you can improve your ability, you've got to do this exercise to be able to perform, right, which we hear a lot of that. 04:40.341 --> 04:48.304 [SPEAKER_02]: And because that's a language that we are unfortunately teach boys from early on, that you've got to be able to perform, you've got to be able to win. 04:48.804 --> 04:53.185 [SPEAKER_02]: all of these things, and it can turn sex to another performance. 04:53.225 --> 05:01.648 [SPEAKER_02]: We're almost setting them for failure in a way, because for many women, it's more about the experience. 05:01.828 --> 05:13.051 [SPEAKER_02]: Like, of course, people want to have good enough experiences, so if you have sexual dysfunction, it's not addressed, that might get in the way, but for majority of people to quality of connection. 05:13.351 --> 05:21.673 [SPEAKER_02]: right like and I'm not saying like a love that you're having for the person but like being present that gets in the way and then you're thinking about you are in this place. 05:21.733 --> 05:26.654 [SPEAKER_02]: I have to deliver gets in the way of people having those experiences. 05:27.154 --> 05:29.214 [SPEAKER_02]: So we talk a lot about performance. 05:29.814 --> 05:35.075 [SPEAKER_02]: Why do you think most men are having sex with their partner as part of like a performance? 05:35.135 --> 05:42.277 [SPEAKER_02]: So you said it talked about part of it is the internal pressure but we're we'll say pick up this idea 05:43.130 --> 05:56.764 [SPEAKER_00]: Oh yeah, this idea comes from all over society, you know, after you mentioned sport and a big sport lover, you know, when we think of sportsmen, we're always talking about their ability to do a thing like I like football. 05:56.784 --> 06:00.727 [SPEAKER_00]: So there will talk about, you know, how hard this shot is, how fast they are. 06:00.747 --> 06:02.990 [SPEAKER_00]: We're talking about their physical attributes, they're very 06:03.650 --> 06:05.031 [SPEAKER_00]: viewable and seeable things. 06:05.091 --> 06:06.231 [SPEAKER_00]: I think you can see in view. 06:06.711 --> 06:18.896 [SPEAKER_00]: So for a man it might be like his ability to make his partner orgasm, the size, how well his body looks like, is all the things that kind of on the surface and those of the performance parts that can be measured and seen by him. 06:18.916 --> 06:20.576 [SPEAKER_00]: And I think that's a really important part. 06:20.796 --> 06:22.297 [SPEAKER_00]: They are observable by him. 06:22.877 --> 06:40.316 [SPEAKER_00]: But the problem in there is that that is only, you know, a part of our experience and it actually misses out the emotional experience, the experience of presence, the experience of safety as important attributes to sex and intimacy that a man isn't taught to focus on. 06:40.997 --> 06:57.439 [SPEAKER_00]: in himself, in his own life, in general, but then he brings that same idea into sex, which means that sex becomes, like we've said, a collection of actions or a template to follow or a script, and it misses out the most important thing that actually is the most important thing in sport, which is the mind. 06:57.980 --> 07:19.046 [SPEAKER_00]: which is the mind which is the emotions which is the connection between people, you know, we're talking about team sports, you know, we often think of like that person's a goalkeeper, this person's a fool, but we forget about the kind of interdependence that exists with them within the moment that's trained into them through communication, through talking about how they're going to set up, that talk about like how they're going to meet the other team, 07:19.886 --> 07:29.116 [SPEAKER_00]: And these are the things that's often missing for men because we don't teach them about easy, important aspects of life because we don't reward them for that in kind of general life and even work. 07:29.613 --> 07:37.996 [SPEAKER_02]: absolutely and I feel like mainstream kind of capitalism, like use that as a way to create more insecurity, right? 07:38.016 --> 07:39.396 [SPEAKER_02]: Like, oh, do you last long? 07:39.536 --> 07:53.021 [SPEAKER_02]: Like, we even see this kind of advertisement and mainstream media, like, that we see kind of like all type of medical intervention that gets promoted, which is nothing wrong with asking and seeking medical intervention, but when you're thinking about 07:53.501 --> 07:58.963 [SPEAKER_02]: like kind of speedening into that insecurity, create more of anxiety, you know, right? 07:59.043 --> 08:07.405 [SPEAKER_02]: I often hear people, and I get that a lot, like from men asking me the size matter, like that's just that they're so worried about that. 08:08.246 --> 08:12.467 [SPEAKER_02]: Oftentimes, so this is the response I hear from a lot of women, and I'm sure we do that. 08:12.527 --> 08:15.368 [SPEAKER_02]: I work with people from all over the world. 08:15.908 --> 08:23.770 [SPEAKER_02]: and like oftentimes they say it's more of the skills as long as it's kind of the size is good enough like the others things are more important. 08:24.491 --> 08:32.273 [SPEAKER_02]: But once I got this very interesting feedback from me, God, he said that it's not that we want to be enough, we want to be superb, right? 08:32.293 --> 08:39.515 [SPEAKER_02]: So that that is the kind of mentality of more, more is better and like not focusing on the relational aspect of 08:40.595 --> 08:49.357 [SPEAKER_02]: What have you been hearing from your clients about the size, people have insecurity around that, how much of a big issue is that? 08:49.717 --> 09:02.480 [SPEAKER_00]: Yeah, I have run workshops with groups of men, anything from 20 to 30 to 40 and asked them to close their eyes and pop your hand if you've ever worried about your penis not being big enough. 09:03.380 --> 09:06.041 [SPEAKER_00]: And nearly every time I've done this 100% of 09:08.255 --> 09:12.879 [SPEAKER_00]: This is the most common concern men have because, you know, it's the most measurable thing. 09:12.919 --> 09:18.544 [SPEAKER_00]: It's like, okay, I can see this and then we will be become kind of worried about a thing in our own minds. 09:18.564 --> 09:20.185 [SPEAKER_00]: We start to find evidence through it, right? 09:20.446 --> 09:21.907 [SPEAKER_00]: And the world is a wash with evidence. 09:22.267 --> 09:24.629 [SPEAKER_00]: You know, you can go on social media and you find people talking about it. 09:24.990 --> 09:28.313 [SPEAKER_00]: You can talk about, you hear people talking about, you know, big-dick energy, small-dick energy. 09:28.653 --> 09:31.495 [SPEAKER_00]: And suddenly a man, he's depissing security because 09:32.376 --> 09:36.821 [SPEAKER_00]: You know, ultimately, it's a thing he cannot change easily, right? 09:37.221 --> 09:38.322 [SPEAKER_00]: He cannot change this. 09:38.342 --> 09:40.845 [SPEAKER_00]: This is something that's to some degree fixed about who he is. 09:41.666 --> 09:45.610 [SPEAKER_00]: And when we become insecure about these things, they they morph into being everything. 09:46.411 --> 09:50.575 [SPEAKER_00]: And we don't see that actually there's so much more to our six-week experience. 09:50.976 --> 09:53.138 [SPEAKER_00]: And it does become the one thing that he's concerned about. 09:53.378 --> 09:54.459 [SPEAKER_00]: I've seen it with men where 09:55.220 --> 10:21.549 [SPEAKER_00]: it affects their dating their ability to date because they're nervous that if they go on a date and the date goes well it might need to sex and if it needs to sex then she's going to see how big it is and be disappointed and I've seen it with men in relationship in long-term relationships where they start to avoid having sex completely based they avoid being naked in front of their partner you know so it's something that can affect almost every aspect of a man's life because you know even going to the gym I beg clients they're like they don't want to go to the gym 10:22.369 --> 10:44.347 [SPEAKER_00]: or they go to the gym and they don't get changed and they get changed at home and then they run men who have avoided wearing clothes to tight around the crotch in case someone's able to see so it can really when it becomes a deep insecurity and it starts a surface and it really gets into the mind and plays on a man's mind, it becomes really detrimental to not just his sex life but his confidence as a man. 10:44.567 --> 11:08.640 [SPEAKER_02]: housing per cent I feel it's hard to get validation or information right like to to trust one of my dear friend she's a Sergate partner therapist so but she that I know you you're probably known some of our audience might not know so Sergate partner therapist their their work is different in a way that they are trained to walk the sexological kind of like it work with body 11:09.020 --> 11:21.637 [SPEAKER_02]: So like they teach skills and they at times when appropriate touch people's body as a way to support them with cultivating skills and confidence So it's slightly different than talk therapy which I do. 11:22.158 --> 11:24.721 [SPEAKER_02]: I hear from my colleague that she's telling me that 11:25.842 --> 11:38.609 [SPEAKER_02]: 60% of time people coming in feeling that my size of my penis is small, shape of it, it's odd, but when we are kind of like examining, like what's true is none of those are true. 11:39.129 --> 11:42.171 [SPEAKER_02]: And what else you can get that information, right? 11:42.211 --> 11:51.536 [SPEAKER_02]: Like if you are, as you said, you feel very insecure, you might not even have put yourself in this situation that you would be able to get have sexual experiences or you might not trust your partner. 11:52.056 --> 11:53.697 [SPEAKER_02]: And speaking of insecurities, 11:55.338 --> 12:00.984 [SPEAKER_02]: Well, kind of number one challenge I see in my male clients is the fear of losing an erection. 12:01.465 --> 12:08.872 [SPEAKER_02]: And when you lose an erection once, like for many people, that thought will loop in their mind, like there's something wrong with me. 12:09.813 --> 12:12.556 [SPEAKER_02]: How can people work through that? 12:12.636 --> 12:16.180 [SPEAKER_02]: What are some of the messages you have for people that they have that anxiety? 12:17.425 --> 12:35.655 [SPEAKER_00]: Yeah, so big one I've had it myself right and there's some of the old what's it called some of the old Things that I was told when it happened to me for the first time is you know one of my friends was this like just get really drunk And then you won't be able to think about it Which Has some effectiveness, but I wouldn't there's not one I recommend 12:36.575 --> 12:40.896 [SPEAKER_00]: One of the most powerful ways to do with this inside a relationship is actually to have a conversation. 12:41.237 --> 12:54.861 [SPEAKER_00]: To actually voice the anxiety, allow yourself to voice anxiety because a lot of what happening is it feels like it's performance anxiety, we're worried about our performance, but actually what I see of a lot of men is that it's slightly downstream when you really get into it. 12:55.201 --> 13:00.523 [SPEAKER_00]: Is there a afraid of what it will mean about the relationship, there a afraid of the judgment from their partners? 13:01.632 --> 13:12.822 [SPEAKER_00]: And what I've seen at the time, again, is when the conversation is started, like, oh, I'm actually feeling, I've been feeling something recently about my sixth performance, my ability to have a reaction, my ability to stay hot. 13:13.402 --> 13:17.105 [SPEAKER_00]: Like, want that conversation stops getting started with a partner, you know, 13:18.146 --> 13:21.889 [SPEAKER_00]: Partners are nearly always, and I say nearly always, I can't talk for every single partner. 13:22.129 --> 13:29.475 [SPEAKER_00]: A receptive to what's going on because what I've noticed with women is that they have their own sexual fears and worries. 13:29.495 --> 13:36.221 [SPEAKER_00]: And even I've had a few clients who they spoke about it before the first time they've had sex with somebody, and it's been like a relief. 13:36.841 --> 14:01.953 [SPEAKER_00]: The woman's said to him, oh my God, I'm so glad you said that because I worry about X, Y and Z, and that kind of vulnerability, a conversation that's turned into an ability to connect deeply with each other because what he's done is he's been willing to meet the thing that he feels most shame about that he really wants to put forward, avoid, and on the other side of meeting that shame is a deeper connection with his partner with the woman he's going to be with. 14:02.640 --> 14:07.804 [SPEAKER_00]: I think another way, I think it was really important, is to kind of de-center penetration. 14:08.085 --> 14:28.702 [SPEAKER_00]: That goes a really long way, where we start to really pay attention to forplay and how beautiful that can be and the range of what forplay can be and bring in that into the conversation about what we like, what we enjoy and trying these sorts of things as well as practicing, being present, being in our bodies with our partners, putting our attention on, 14:29.362 --> 14:54.352 [SPEAKER_00]: the touch of their skin against our skin, you know, and so forth so that we're not continuously in the mind and we can find ourselves in the body and I guess another thing I give you about my clients is kind of meditative and embodiment practices so they can do outside of sex or they can do as a kind of ritual into sex, you know, that might be eye gazing with breath work, that might be particular breath and movement practices, you can do if they're partners, 14:55.316 --> 15:06.213 [SPEAKER_00]: and even practices that, you know, sign themselves up for if an erection doesn't happen in the way they want it to, like how would you love your partner to respond? 15:07.128 --> 15:08.690 [SPEAKER_00]: What will you need in that moment? 15:08.810 --> 15:16.898 [SPEAKER_00]: I think is a really important question and conversation to have because it might just be that what you really need is to be held and to be like, told this okay, right? 15:17.518 --> 15:31.232 [SPEAKER_00]: And for not to be a big deal, for the for the intercourse to continue in a different way, because a lot of men, the fear is is the judgment, but also that they're ruining their partner's time if their erection isn't there in the way that they believe their partner needs it to be. 15:31.649 --> 15:33.951 [SPEAKER_02]: Well, maybe what a beautiful response, right? 15:34.011 --> 15:56.847 [SPEAKER_02]: Can I very feel like for many people, the anxiety, sometimes when they're not talking about it, creates more misconception for the partner too, because like when the partner, when you'll probably have this fear of losing a reaction and now it's in your mind and possibly you will lose the erection because it's anxiety-based response and the partner thinking, oh, maybe they're not interested in me. 15:57.287 --> 16:01.869 [SPEAKER_02]: right like that's how they can read it and then sometimes sex stops. 16:01.929 --> 16:04.390 [SPEAKER_02]: So I have many of my clients in long-term partnership. 16:04.910 --> 16:14.674 [SPEAKER_02]: They do not care if their partner lives in a reaction, but they they get kind of offended in a way that like oh you lose the loss in a reaction and here we are again and sex ended right. 16:14.714 --> 16:23.517 [SPEAKER_02]: I can't even mention if we decenter penetration and think about other options what could be an exciting erotic experience for couples like that. 16:23.977 --> 16:26.939 [SPEAKER_02]: That can give us lots of different options in the menu. 16:26.999 --> 16:30.301 [SPEAKER_02]: And some of those options can be more exciting. 16:30.581 --> 16:34.003 [SPEAKER_02]: It was just sharing with you in your show that how many women enjoy novelty. 16:34.463 --> 16:42.688 [SPEAKER_02]: For many women that I work with, every big missionary, same position, is not as exciting as if you're doing something different. 16:42.948 --> 16:45.229 [SPEAKER_02]: That's even not involved penetration. 16:45.269 --> 16:46.390 [SPEAKER_02]: I can give you your mind. 16:46.930 --> 16:50.574 [SPEAKER_02]: a break from that anxiety and kind of created a different experience. 16:50.634 --> 16:56.039 [SPEAKER_02]: I think that's really important, but you mentioned also kind of the embodiment of their sizes, right? 16:56.059 --> 17:03.167 [SPEAKER_02]: Like people sometimes when they have this fear of losing an erection and they are at this place of feeling my body is betraying me. 17:03.667 --> 17:06.689 [SPEAKER_02]: like you were almost like shrinking. 17:06.749 --> 17:11.532 [SPEAKER_02]: It's kind of making our body small because you were at the shape, kind of a place of shame spiral. 17:11.952 --> 17:25.339 [SPEAKER_02]: But if you're working on body men and creating space that on its own can help people to feel less comfortable in their bodies and for again, for a good number of people, it's related to performance and anxiety. 17:25.359 --> 17:30.663 [SPEAKER_02]: Of course, it could be a medical issue, but a majority of time is more of an anxiety. 17:30.703 --> 17:31.423 [SPEAKER_02]: And I appreciate 17:34.145 --> 17:42.651 [SPEAKER_02]: I don't think anyone, older than 15, if they've been sexually active, if they haven't had experience of losing an erection. 17:43.232 --> 17:53.300 [SPEAKER_02]: And numbing, as you said, is the solution that oftentimes we hear from people, even for women's experiencing pain, you intercourse, but we don't want a sex that feels numb, right? 17:53.320 --> 17:58.804 [SPEAKER_02]: We want that what makes sex exciting is that connection and that eroticism, that's 18:03.207 --> 18:07.392 [SPEAKER_02]: So what is the biggest slide that you think men believe about erections? 18:08.012 --> 18:16.542 [SPEAKER_00]: I think the biggest lie they believe about erections is that that is all they have in terms of value and worth when it comes to sex. 18:17.022 --> 18:19.024 [SPEAKER_00]: That's the thing that they have to deliver. 18:19.405 --> 18:23.829 [SPEAKER_00]: And if they're not doing that, then that's it they failed as a man. 18:23.989 --> 18:24.750 [SPEAKER_00]: You know, it's a bit like 18:25.471 --> 18:28.533 [SPEAKER_00]: You think of all these tall buildings around the world, right? 18:28.973 --> 18:30.615 [SPEAKER_00]: All these kind of farthest type buildings. 18:31.095 --> 18:33.977 [SPEAKER_00]: This kind of representation of masculinity. 18:34.437 --> 18:48.767 [SPEAKER_00]: It's like every man walks into sex with this idea that his erection is proof of his value, his his his his his his his his his his performance like his all riding on that so that when that disappears 18:49.367 --> 19:08.722 [SPEAKER_00]: It's a little bit like a man who, for example, he's made all his money that he loses at all, but the difference is that that usually happens quite slowly over time, and there's some level control we can have over it, but with an erection, there's some level that they are very unruly, and really things, you know, they are not to be controlled at times when they do their own thing. 19:09.423 --> 19:14.447 [SPEAKER_00]: So it's like putting our self-worth and our value as a man, as a sexual partner, 19:15.383 --> 19:25.530 [SPEAKER_00]: on something that we don't have full control over, meaning that it just leaves us at this precipice of, okay, I'm going into sex, what's going to happen? 19:26.011 --> 19:32.936 [SPEAKER_00]: You know, it's the kind of, when I think of it now, it's kind of the real example of fragile masculinity. 19:33.416 --> 19:35.057 [SPEAKER_00]: that it's always on trial. 19:35.337 --> 19:37.199 [SPEAKER_00]: You know, my erection is on trial. 19:37.339 --> 19:37.959 [SPEAKER_00]: I am on trial. 19:37.979 --> 19:39.340 [SPEAKER_00]: I can go into bed with my partner. 19:39.360 --> 19:43.003 [SPEAKER_00]: I've been with 20 years who loves me deeply and I don't get an erection. 19:43.403 --> 19:49.207 [SPEAKER_00]: I feel this deep shame that there's something wrong with me and there will be feelings of digging the leave and so forth. 19:49.227 --> 19:51.969 [SPEAKER_00]: So he just sees it as as kind of everything in the moment. 19:52.369 --> 19:58.794 [SPEAKER_00]: I think that's why it can be such a, I think for me and that's why it's such a place of joy. 19:59.957 --> 20:06.403 [SPEAKER_00]: and pride sometimes, but also on the other side, it can be this place of the deepest shame that you can experience. 20:07.442 --> 20:08.122 [SPEAKER_02]: Absolutely. 20:08.762 --> 20:15.985 [SPEAKER_02]: I'm a sex therapist, sex positive woman, like when I'm reflect on his fear of sexual experiences, I had. 20:16.465 --> 20:20.686 [SPEAKER_02]: The best one was the necessarily the one with the biggest penis, right? 20:20.746 --> 20:28.108 [SPEAKER_02]: Like even sometimes I think those are the worst one because the person arrives to the bedroom thinking I have, like I delivered, right? 20:28.128 --> 20:29.269 [SPEAKER_02]: Like that's all I have. 20:30.129 --> 20:30.649 [SPEAKER_02]: So I think 20:34.290 --> 20:43.313 [SPEAKER_02]: more different kind of like a skill set and what they bring is different not necessarily only a big big penis or even kind of average penis. 20:44.053 --> 20:57.938 [SPEAKER_02]: It's more about how people are showing up and I think people's essence is the most important part like especially can say for many cisgender heterosexual women because if you want a big fallus you can buy the biggest 21:02.920 --> 21:04.301 [SPEAKER_02]: of kind of being with someone. 21:04.381 --> 21:10.823 [SPEAKER_02]: So what makes the relationship exciting and erotic is definitely beyond that for many women. 21:12.003 --> 21:14.944 [SPEAKER_02]: I want to, I want us to a little bit talk about ageing. 21:15.024 --> 21:23.307 [SPEAKER_02]: So what do you think help men in their 50s and 60s to have good enough sexual experiences? 21:23.367 --> 21:30.109 [SPEAKER_02]: What can people do now their 30s to 40s to be able to have positive experiences later on? 21:30.502 --> 21:45.126 [SPEAKER_00]: Yeah, I think one of the things is it's almost kind of linked to the we to say no about the falus is that when we think that the what we can give is our are this right are are kind of a little extra of youth. 21:45.707 --> 22:09.028 [SPEAKER_00]: by is the the kind of surface of all stuff and we rely on that as as being the the important thing we're stocking into our 50s and 60s when our body starts to just go for its natural changes and cycles then the the the the the deeper shame and and fear we're going to start to experience is because it starts to not work in the way we want and I've known men to hide this in various ways you know as they get older 22:09.709 --> 22:29.394 [SPEAKER_00]: So I guess if we're thinking about wanting to kind of preserve good sex life, having a great sex life as we get older, is actually to go deeper into a rousal, like what makes us feel turned on, you know, being able to talk, being able to bring presence and awareness, and it also to be curious and see that our partners 22:30.474 --> 22:33.377 [SPEAKER_00]: I'm going to be dissolving beings, evolving women, right? 22:33.717 --> 22:36.239 [SPEAKER_00]: They're going to change what turns a man's going to change over time. 22:36.279 --> 22:54.953 [SPEAKER_00]: So, there's need to be curious, constantly curious, constantly open-minded, constantly and consistently bringing ideas that we could possibly try and feel through, while also really attuning ourselves to our partners and their turn on their desire. 22:55.453 --> 23:07.162 [SPEAKER_00]: so that we are really connected and attuned to them instead of us thinking that this is all, this is how it is and this house always been or that the only thing is about bodies and how attractive our bodies are. 23:07.442 --> 23:18.190 [SPEAKER_00]: So then it's getting into seeing attraction and desire and depth beyond kind of the outer skin you're experiencing by being able to really feel deeply into ourselves and know ourselves. 23:18.630 --> 23:30.355 [SPEAKER_00]: and have new confidence and there we are, but also feeling deeper into our partners, so that we are moving along with how they change as a human being on the inside, but also on the outside as they're connected to that. 23:30.435 --> 23:31.735 [SPEAKER_02]: That is so beautiful. 23:32.055 --> 23:33.916 [SPEAKER_02]: Like going deeper on your 23:34.436 --> 23:36.797 [SPEAKER_02]: learning about your erotic mind from now, right? 23:36.817 --> 23:41.519 [SPEAKER_02]: Then you can use that resource and bring it to future experiences. 23:41.839 --> 23:46.981 [SPEAKER_02]: And kind of way of thinking, actually, there is something additional to sexy about knowing your erotic self. 23:47.141 --> 23:49.882 [SPEAKER_02]: It's more the confidence that you're bringing in, right? 23:49.923 --> 24:02.708 [SPEAKER_02]: Like now, you're not panicking with using different tools, like that, like performance tools that you're talking about, like, you know, you know your essence and what you bring in, and you can create those experiences, which is very powerful. 24:03.448 --> 24:11.458 [SPEAKER_02]: So, this is my last question I can talk to you for hours, but what's one belief a man could change today that would immediately improve their sex life? 24:11.908 --> 24:13.549 [SPEAKER_00]: Well, the sex is something you do. 24:13.749 --> 24:14.790 [SPEAKER_00]: So this is something you deliver. 24:14.810 --> 24:16.231 [SPEAKER_00]: Like we talked in the back of the beginning. 24:16.611 --> 24:20.774 [SPEAKER_00]: This idea that I am doing sex to woman. 24:20.994 --> 24:23.936 [SPEAKER_00]: And if I do it right, then it's going to be good. 24:24.317 --> 24:26.258 [SPEAKER_00]: And if I do it wrong, then it's not going to be good. 24:26.318 --> 24:28.219 [SPEAKER_00]: Because that's kind of disconnecting. 24:28.740 --> 24:30.681 [SPEAKER_00]: It's like me to them. 24:30.981 --> 24:33.643 [SPEAKER_00]: And it stops that kind of co-creating experience. 24:34.143 --> 24:35.745 [SPEAKER_00]: And I would swap it out for the belief that 24:36.685 --> 24:48.351 [SPEAKER_00]: sex is as good as the co-creat experienced it and the kind of the word that's coming to me is like the container that we create for the sex and that includes so much more than our physical bodies. 24:48.711 --> 25:00.117 [SPEAKER_00]: It includes our minds, it includes our desires, our ability to communicate, our ability to feel ability to be aware of the tiny changes in breath, the tiny changes in movement within ourselves, 25:04.999 --> 25:28.260 [SPEAKER_00]: a call it energy, you know, if I partner, their voice raises or their turn on gets higher, that impacts us in some way and being able to be a tune to feeling both of those, what also be kind of being present to the moment, you know, if we start to move into that sort of way of being, because it's a way of being instead of a way of doing, of technique, then it revolutionizes how we have sex. 25:28.983 --> 25:29.583 [SPEAKER_02]: I love that. 25:29.964 --> 25:35.727 [SPEAKER_02]: I think that's just such an important thing and such a belief, like a relief for people, right? 25:35.787 --> 25:40.049 [SPEAKER_02]: Kind of like thinking about, you can focus on what you have in a way control over. 25:40.069 --> 25:47.794 [SPEAKER_02]: We can sometimes with these performance techniques, like he can, you know, people say it's like a sport, but even with sport, right? 25:47.814 --> 25:52.697 [SPEAKER_02]: Like if I'm not a naturally a runner, I'm not going to be Olympic runner. 25:53.257 --> 26:03.087 [SPEAKER_02]: I might get better, but that's where I am, but with kind of like unique things inside us and our qualities and who we are, those are things we have control over. 26:03.867 --> 26:13.757 [SPEAKER_02]: So David, I know that many of our listeners now, they are intrigued, they want to learn more about you, about your programs, what are some of the places they can access those content? 26:13.917 --> 26:19.399 [SPEAKER_00]: Yeah, you can probably do a place that most active is on Instagram, on the daily basis, without content. 26:19.899 --> 26:21.980 [SPEAKER_00]: You can find my podcast and all podcast places. 26:22.420 --> 26:24.681 [SPEAKER_00]: And if you want to, you can also watch it actually now. 26:24.701 --> 26:33.865 [SPEAKER_00]: On the quite a few of those places like Spotify and also YouTube, we're not regular videos of the podcast and the guests and I have solo episodes go out every week as well. 26:34.385 --> 26:36.726 [SPEAKER_00]: And in terms of programs, I work with people one to one. 26:37.646 --> 26:52.973 [SPEAKER_00]: And I also have a group program for men around coming into a powerful way of relating, you know, giving men the tools, the skills and the kind of mindset that we don't grow up with when it comes to creating the quality of relationships, be that sexual, be those romantic. 27:01.087 --> 27:04.549 [SPEAKER_02]: And those are all great content you want to make sure you're checking it out. 27:04.569 --> 27:07.050 [SPEAKER_02]: We'll put it on there on our show now. 27:07.090 --> 27:12.013 [SPEAKER_02]: Thank you so much David for coming on this show and sharing your expertise with us. 27:12.133 --> 27:14.114 [SPEAKER_02]: And hopefully we will have you back in future. 27:14.894 --> 27:16.255 [SPEAKER_00]: Well, thank you again Dr. Molly. 27:20.579 --> 27:23.722 [SPEAKER_02]: As we wrap up, I want to leave the men listening with this. 27:24.323 --> 27:29.849 [SPEAKER_02]: In many ways, our culture teaches men that their values is tied to performance. 27:30.369 --> 27:38.538 [SPEAKER_02]: How confident they look, whether they can maintain an erection, whether they can satisfy a partner, whether they also know what they're doing. 27:38.958 --> 27:42.182 [SPEAKER_02]: That's a lot of pressure to carry into the bedroom. 27:42.782 --> 27:53.046 [SPEAKER_02]: And when sex become a test of your work, it's very difficult to experience the thing that actually create great intimacy, presence, connection, curiosity and pleasure. 27:53.747 --> 27:59.849 [SPEAKER_02]: The menacee creating the most fulfilling relationships are in the ones trying to prove themselves. 28:00.469 --> 28:04.051 [SPEAKER_02]: They're the ones learning how to build internal confidence. 28:04.591 --> 28:07.652 [SPEAKER_02]: instead of relying on external validation. 28:07.972 --> 28:15.734 [SPEAKER_02]: And if anxiety, performance, or pressure, are getting in the way of your sex life, I have a free resource for you. 28:16.334 --> 28:29.357 [SPEAKER_02]: It's called the Stress Reduction Toolkit a transformative video mini series designed to help individuals and couple managed anxiety that often shows up in our most intimate moment. 28:29.977 --> 28:39.127 [SPEAKER_02]: It will help you understand what's happening in your mind and body and give you practical tools for creating or ease confidence and connection. 28:39.688 --> 28:43.312 [SPEAKER_02]: You can access it for free through the link in the show notes. 28:43.652 --> 28:47.937 [SPEAKER_02]: Thank you for listening and I'll see you in the next episode of this Exology podcast. 28:48.889 --> 28:52.210 [SPEAKER_01]: Thanks for listening to Sixology Podcasts. 28:52.670 --> 28:59.513 [SPEAKER_02]: For more great content, visit www.sixologypodcast.com. 29:00.153 --> 29:09.396 [SPEAKER_02]: Please be advised that information presented on this podcast is not a substitute for seeking help from a licensed mental health provider.