WEBVTT 00:00.271 --> 00:04.672 [SPEAKER_01]: Have you ever felt lonely in your relationship even when your partner is sitting right next to you? 00:05.093 --> 00:09.014 [SPEAKER_00]: Or maybe you stop bringing things up because it just doesn't feel worth it anymore. 00:09.294 --> 00:11.955 [SPEAKER_01]: A lot of couples think that they have a communication problem. 00:12.295 --> 00:16.116 [SPEAKER_00]: When what they actually have is an emotional safety problem. 00:16.656 --> 00:22.178 [SPEAKER_01]: Today, we're sharing seven signs that your relationship may not feel emotionally safe. 00:22.518 --> 00:27.199 [SPEAKER_00]: Including some signs that are so subtle, most couples can miss them. 00:30.007 --> 00:32.392 [SPEAKER_00]: Don't panic, awareness is the first step of repair. 00:32.793 --> 00:33.434 [SPEAKER_01]: Let's renovate. 00:38.586 --> 00:40.927 [SPEAKER_00]: Are you ready to renovate your relationship? 00:41.187 --> 00:43.468 [SPEAKER_00]: Welcome to the relationship renovation podcast. 00:43.548 --> 00:44.369 [SPEAKER_00]: I'm Tara Kerwin. 00:44.589 --> 00:46.010 [SPEAKER_01]: And my name is E.J. 00:46.090 --> 00:46.610 [SPEAKER_01]: Kerwin. 00:46.710 --> 00:52.933 [SPEAKER_01]: And today, we're talking about one of the key tenets in our philosophy around relationship wellness. 00:53.333 --> 00:55.594 [SPEAKER_01]: And that is emotional safety. 00:55.654 --> 00:58.255 [SPEAKER_01]: And so this is going to be a two part series. 00:58.275 --> 00:58.415 [SPEAKER_01]: Yeah. 00:58.776 --> 01:07.900 [SPEAKER_01]: The first we're going to talk to you about what are seven very clear signs that your relationship is lacking emotional safety. 01:08.460 --> 01:17.567 [SPEAKER_01]: And in the second episode, we're going to talk about how to rebuild or possibly even build for the first time emotional safety in your relationship. 01:18.327 --> 01:26.033 [SPEAKER_01]: And so the first thing to probably talk about is just, you know, briefly defining what is emotional safety, right? 01:26.693 --> 01:36.120 [SPEAKER_01]: And the way we look at emotional safety is emotional safety is the ability to be yourself holy with your partner. 01:36.641 --> 01:39.963 [SPEAKER_01]: It's that I can be the wonderful parts of myself. 01:40.484 --> 01:49.971 [SPEAKER_01]: I can be the the less wonderful parts of myself and no matter what my partner is going to be there for me in those moments. 01:50.251 --> 01:53.833 [SPEAKER_00]: I'm just going to share something with you guys really quick because I have to. 01:54.254 --> 02:17.669 [SPEAKER_00]: So, each and I were like recording this 45 minutes ago and it was amazing and then something happened to our video so we lost the whole thing and so we're doing this for a second time and we got into this like little thing because it's like my little brain doesn't work like it used to because of my period and a pause meant a pause stuff and like till use 45 minutes and we were on it and it felt so good feels like devastating. 02:18.509 --> 02:36.952 [SPEAKER_00]: but we were able to within 15 minutes come back together and come on here and so it's interesting that it happened and like the seven signs that your relationship doesn't feel emotionally safe because we've worked really hard to build emotional safety throughout the year so it's still hard sometimes because I was mad at you for whatever happened to our video. 02:37.653 --> 02:55.541 [SPEAKER_00]: But it just shows you like we could have had this thing that happened that would have like pulled us apart all day and I could have stomped on out of here and but like I'm not doing this again I can't believe you forgot to press video and I didn't and I went out I took a pause came back I'm like this is really hard because we have to record like 10 videos today. 02:56.081 --> 03:02.244 [SPEAKER_00]: But we got this, you know, and so I just want to, you know, just say like emotional safety is key. 03:02.344 --> 03:06.485 [SPEAKER_00]: It's the ability to hold space for the other person's suffering. 03:06.606 --> 03:13.889 [SPEAKER_00]: So in that moment, I was really frustrated and EJ, I could tell he for sure was defensive and wanted to get defensive. 03:13.909 --> 03:21.352 [SPEAKER_00]: I was doing my thing out, but he was able to like hold space for my suffering, which I was angry, I was anxious. 03:22.232 --> 03:22.772 [SPEAKER_00]: I was sad. 03:22.792 --> 03:23.613 [SPEAKER_00]: I was disappointed. 03:23.653 --> 03:24.613 [SPEAKER_00]: I was all those things. 03:25.293 --> 03:27.274 [SPEAKER_00]: It had not been able to hold that space. 03:27.374 --> 03:30.895 [SPEAKER_00]: We wouldn't be recording this podcast right now, just to let you know. 03:31.015 --> 03:41.179 [SPEAKER_00]: So again, another part of emotional safety is being able to hold space for your other person suffering instead of being reactive, which we'll talk more about that in part two. 03:41.299 --> 03:57.816 [SPEAKER_01]: Yes, and you'll hear from what Tara said, talking about that incident that because we have an understanding of what it is, and the emotional safety is something we're striving for in our relationship, that then we were able to sort of like keep ourselves within like, 03:58.577 --> 04:03.503 [SPEAKER_01]: as best as we could in that window of tolerance and not become hyper aroused or hyper aroused. 04:03.523 --> 04:11.273 [SPEAKER_01]: So today we're offering you the seven signs that we just used to stay emotionally safe. 04:11.313 --> 04:12.595 [SPEAKER_01]: So these are the seven signs. 04:12.995 --> 04:15.098 [SPEAKER_01]: Your relationship doesn't feel emotionally safe. 04:16.039 --> 04:42.383 [SPEAKER_01]: The first sign is you don't tell each other the whole truth and what that can look like is it can be it can be really like content oriented it could be like well i'm gonna tell you like a portion of this the portion that i think like i'll be okay that maybe you won't be reactive it can also be like almost like holding back a portion of your emotions because you're not being 04:42.824 --> 04:48.385 [SPEAKER_01]: fully transparent with one another because you don't entirely feel safe to do so. 04:48.620 --> 04:53.582 [SPEAKER_00]: Yeah, so it's like caretaking, minimizing, withholding, protecting feelings. 04:54.202 --> 05:01.425 [SPEAKER_00]: Again, one of the signs that you might not have emotional safety in your relationship is you don't tell each other the whole truth. 05:01.445 --> 05:02.565 [SPEAKER_00]: You're not as transparent. 05:02.685 --> 05:02.945 [SPEAKER_00]: Yes. 05:03.306 --> 05:05.446 [SPEAKER_00]: And none of it is because you're a bad person. 05:06.007 --> 05:08.427 [SPEAKER_00]: It's because we're in a protective stance and it's okay. 05:08.487 --> 05:14.610 [SPEAKER_00]: But again, we're just trying to be very clear around the signs that you do not feel emotionally safe with your partner. 05:15.430 --> 05:19.113 [SPEAKER_01]: And the second is a sort of a variation of that theme. 05:19.654 --> 05:25.039 [SPEAKER_01]: It's that just those difficult conversations, they get delayed, right? 05:25.079 --> 05:29.843 [SPEAKER_01]: They, you're always like saying, oh, like now is not the time. 05:30.083 --> 05:42.094 [SPEAKER_01]: And there's a delicate balance here, because we had a listener write a comment on YouTube in the last week, and they were talking about like, you know, it's like, I know that it's important to find the right time. 05:42.554 --> 05:56.187 [SPEAKER_01]: to have the difficult conversation with my partner, but if you're finding yourself consistently with different topics, always doing it, holding off, then maybe you don't even end up talking about it. 05:56.207 --> 06:03.194 [SPEAKER_01]: That's saying like there's something internally for me, there's something within our relationship that I don't feel safe. 06:03.574 --> 06:06.057 [SPEAKER_01]: So really what I'm doing is I'm avoiding. 06:06.517 --> 06:08.579 [SPEAKER_01]: having these difficult conversations. 06:08.599 --> 06:27.613 [SPEAKER_00]: Yeah, if you have that feeling of like walking on eggshells, that's like a good indicator for number two, the difficult conversations get delayed because like walking on eggshells feels uncomfortable or maybe you need, right, that couple drinks of wine or whatever before you have the conversation which then only escalates it because you don't want to have that tension around it. 06:28.073 --> 06:31.135 [SPEAKER_00]: You know, a lot of our couples get into arguments after they've been drinking because they wait 06:35.199 --> 06:36.801 [SPEAKER_00]: total like sabotage. 06:37.542 --> 06:40.587 [SPEAKER_00]: So again, number two difficult conversations get delayed. 06:40.607 --> 06:44.893 [SPEAKER_01]: The third relates back to something Tara shared right at the very beginning. 06:44.913 --> 06:45.615 [SPEAKER_01]: Yeah. 06:45.635 --> 06:48.619 [SPEAKER_01]: And that is defensive and shows up quickly. 06:48.659 --> 06:50.202 [SPEAKER_01]: And what we see with couples. 06:51.102 --> 06:53.804 [SPEAKER_01]: is that it is just instinctive. 06:53.884 --> 07:03.351 [SPEAKER_01]: The minute they go into a difficult conversation, one or both of them becomes almost instantaneously defensive. 07:03.371 --> 07:06.593 [SPEAKER_00]: Yeah, instantaneously reactive, which is defensive. 07:07.053 --> 07:07.253 [SPEAKER_01]: Yeah. 07:07.653 --> 07:15.158 [SPEAKER_01]: And that's a negative, because then it automatically sets up the dynamic where you guys are oppositional to one another. 07:15.238 --> 07:16.819 [SPEAKER_01]: So really paying attention there. 07:17.199 --> 07:28.826 [SPEAKER_01]: When we have difficult conversations, do one or both of us become defensive quickly, probably because you don't feel safe and you feel like you have to defend yourself from your partner. 07:29.017 --> 07:36.502 [SPEAKER_00]: And that just means like, again, explaining justifying or counter-attacking, because I think so many people don't think of that as defensiveness. 07:36.562 --> 07:42.006 [SPEAKER_00]: I think of that as like making sure they get their words in, but it is like, it's defensiveness. 07:42.066 --> 07:47.350 [SPEAKER_00]: And the other person doesn't feel safe when that's happening, because they're not getting their feelings validated in that moment. 07:47.570 --> 07:48.350 [SPEAKER_01]: 100%. 07:48.470 --> 07:49.071 [SPEAKER_01]: Yeah, 100%. 07:49.271 --> 07:50.172 [SPEAKER_00]: Number four, let's go. 07:50.963 --> 08:17.817 [SPEAKER_01]: All right, number four is the one where it's like it's so sad when you see couples like this and one of the things we always tell couples is like It is harder to feel lonely when you're in relationships sometimes then it is to be lonely when you're out of relationship Because it kind of makes more sense there and so the number four sign that there's a lack of safety in your relationship is that you just feel lonely 08:20.958 --> 08:25.982 [SPEAKER_01]: and share what's going on inside of me and therefore I'm alone in it. 08:26.402 --> 08:36.309 [SPEAKER_00]: Yes, and I think as humans, like we fear rejection and so when we're in an intimate relationship and we feel alone, it's ten times worse than feeling alone when you're not. 08:36.349 --> 08:39.391 [SPEAKER_00]: And in intimate relationship to the person who's supposed to show up for you? 08:39.751 --> 08:40.351 [SPEAKER_01]: Absolutely. 08:40.411 --> 08:40.631 [SPEAKER_00]: Yeah. 08:41.772 --> 08:59.340 [SPEAKER_01]: All right, so number five, and it definitely dovetails into that feeling of loneliness, is that being vulnerable with your partner, like opening up in a way and exposing a part of yourself that's tender, you know, that vulnerability feels like a big risk. 08:59.698 --> 09:20.418 [SPEAKER_00]: I think I shared this like before, but I was working with a couple yesterday and we're going through the intimacy series and we were talking about, like their negative core beliefs that are pretty unconscious to them when they're in the bedroom and hers was like, if I'm vulnerable, it's dangerous and his was, I have to be in control in order to be safe. 09:21.018 --> 09:30.401 [SPEAKER_00]: I was trying to help them understand like imagine that those two unconscious negative core beliefs is what's showing up during physical intimacy, it's going to be a disaster, right? 09:30.421 --> 09:39.103 [SPEAKER_00]: And so we're just being very aware of like, I guess they're at the place right now where they can start to be vulnerable and understand what their negative core beliefs are. 09:39.783 --> 09:45.665 [SPEAKER_00]: So it doesn't get in the way, but a lot of people that have those insecurities or needs 09:50.426 --> 10:04.586 [SPEAKER_01]: Yeah, and if vulnerability feels unsafe, then there's just, again, that, that, that divide of polling a part, and it's like, I can't entirely share myself completely with you, because it's not safe. 10:05.567 --> 10:05.788 [UNKNOWN]: Yeah. 10:06.408 --> 10:12.172 [SPEAKER_01]: Okay, so the next one is just, like, you feel like you have to filter yourself, right? 10:12.892 --> 10:19.236 [SPEAKER_01]: It's kind of that feeling of, like, you're walking around a mind-filled, or you're walking on eggshells, right? 10:19.797 --> 10:29.923 [SPEAKER_01]: And, like, like, oh, I can say this, but I can't say that, and you're always sort of, like, second-guessing what's okay to share with your partner. 10:30.737 --> 10:48.100 [SPEAKER_00]: When I'm doing couples work, especially around the cognitive restructuring, I'm very transparent about you guys can't filter what your thoughts are or what your feelings are because you have to be able to hear everything, you have to be able to hold that space and you have to be able to hear difficult things, right? 10:48.220 --> 10:57.662 [SPEAKER_00]: And so that it's just another piece like in the coaching or therapeutic element, like I'm constantly saying you can't filter right now because that's not going to be helpful. 10:58.242 --> 10:59.303 [SPEAKER_01]: Yeah, I mean, thank you, Tark. 10:59.543 --> 11:25.378 [SPEAKER_01]: That's one of the things we try to help couples get to and and we were definitely continuing to strive to ourselves is like, and it actually happened in the, in the example we talked to you earlier about like when this, you know, our podcast wasn't recorded and Tara was very upset with me is she was then telling me things that we're like difficult to hear about about blaming me and being mad at me. 11:26.158 --> 11:33.880 [SPEAKER_01]: and there was a part of me that didn't want to hear it, but if I don't want to hear it, then how is she going to work through it, right? 11:34.020 --> 11:44.423 [SPEAKER_01]: Even if it is really difficult, like, I have to work to create a space where I feel safe, even hearing really difficult things. 11:44.583 --> 11:47.764 [SPEAKER_01]: And I'll be like, totally honest with you, it's not easy. 11:47.784 --> 11:51.045 [SPEAKER_01]: You know, these things that we're talking to you all about, 11:51.825 --> 12:06.439 [SPEAKER_01]: It is hard, you know, it's not easy to hear your partner say things that make you feel bad about yourself or make you feel like you're the source of their suffering, but we want to create an atmosphere where you don't have to filter yourself. 12:06.479 --> 12:08.200 [SPEAKER_01]: So again, number six. 12:08.460 --> 12:10.522 [SPEAKER_00]: I'm just going to say as I'm not filtering. 12:10.562 --> 12:13.885 [SPEAKER_00]: I'm still working through what happens like an 12:17.849 --> 12:27.253 [SPEAKER_00]: But it's still there, like I still feel a little shut down in a way, but not like in a way where we can't record this podcast, but like I still feel it. 12:27.533 --> 12:28.614 [SPEAKER_01]: Yeah, yeah. 12:28.694 --> 12:35.137 [SPEAKER_01]: And I still am like working to stay open, trying to carry the space where you don't have to filter yourself. 12:35.197 --> 12:40.259 [SPEAKER_01]: And if you are feeling what you are feeling towards me that that's okay 12:44.541 --> 12:46.722 [SPEAKER_01]: is okay, and I can handle it. 12:46.902 --> 12:47.842 [SPEAKER_01]: Yeah, I can handle it. 12:47.882 --> 12:49.202 [SPEAKER_00]: All right, let's go to number seven. 12:49.383 --> 12:49.723 [SPEAKER_01]: Okay. 12:50.383 --> 13:05.207 [SPEAKER_01]: Number seven, and this is like sort of like the culmination of all of these things together, is that whenever you are in conflict, whenever there are difficult moments, it literally feels dangerous. 13:05.267 --> 13:09.429 [SPEAKER_01]: And I think like that's what we're working through and what happened, you know, 13:13.850 --> 13:17.453 [SPEAKER_01]: a little dangerous to be interacting with one another. 13:17.733 --> 13:27.159 [SPEAKER_01]: And when a couple has had time after time of a lack of emotional safety in their relationship, conflict does not feel safe. 13:27.419 --> 13:28.780 [SPEAKER_01]: It feels dangerous. 13:28.940 --> 13:32.563 [SPEAKER_00]: And the idea is, we want conflict to feel productive. 13:32.623 --> 13:36.125 [SPEAKER_00]: Like, so normally it's like, oh, there's a threat to our relationship. 13:36.145 --> 13:37.546 [SPEAKER_00]: Like, I don't feel that way with you. 13:37.566 --> 13:39.628 [SPEAKER_00]: I don't feel like it's dangerous right now with you, 13:42.690 --> 13:44.572 [SPEAKER_00]: like I feel like this is productive, right? 13:44.592 --> 13:51.398 [SPEAKER_00]: Like we're we had that thing we're working through it, so it's productive, so I don't feel the danger that you might still feel. 13:52.039 --> 14:01.128 [SPEAKER_00]: So that tells me like maybe I have more emotional safety than you have not sure, but like that idea is that conflict is productive that there's not a threat to the relationship. 14:01.488 --> 14:17.692 [SPEAKER_01]: But I mean, a lot of that, we're going to get that into this in the next episode, so much of emotional safety is built around our central nervous systems and being aware of what's going on and being aware of what's triggered from the past as well. 14:18.213 --> 14:26.675 [SPEAKER_01]: And so again, just said, that big sign to you out there listening is, if it feels like almost like, I am not safe. 14:27.535 --> 14:46.625 [SPEAKER_01]: If it's like everything in my body is telling me danger, danger danger, then this next episode we're about to record with the video on is going to be super useful because we're going to help you guys figure out how do you create that safety so conflict isn't dangerous. 14:47.005 --> 14:50.087 [SPEAKER_01]: It's actually just an opportunity to understand each other better. 14:50.587 --> 14:55.352 [SPEAKER_01]: So we've laid out the seven signs your relationship doesn't feel emotionally safe. 14:55.892 --> 15:02.238 [SPEAKER_01]: Next episode, we're going to dive into how to build slash rebuild that emotional safety in your relationship. 15:02.639 --> 15:05.561 [SPEAKER_01]: This is such a key tenant to everything we do. 15:05.661 --> 15:07.083 [SPEAKER_01]: So just be aware. 15:07.123 --> 15:09.285 [SPEAKER_01]: We have tons of resources out there for you. 15:09.325 --> 15:10.366 [SPEAKER_01]: If you haven't already joined. 15:10.786 --> 15:12.007 [SPEAKER_01]: our Patreon community. 15:12.327 --> 15:17.692 [SPEAKER_01]: We give tips of the day, almost every day, the talk about this exact type of stuff. 15:18.132 --> 15:22.656 [SPEAKER_01]: We have the relationship renovation at homebook that's available on Amazon. 15:23.036 --> 15:25.918 [SPEAKER_01]: And of course, we are coaching couples as well. 15:26.299 --> 15:29.521 [SPEAKER_01]: So if you're interested, there's all of these are linked in our bio. 15:29.942 --> 15:34.625 [SPEAKER_01]: You know, like we've shared today, like we're working through this stuff, and we love 15:39.289 --> 16:03.611 [SPEAKER_00]: We also have our upcoming Sedona retreat for our couples, there's four spaces left so we're excited about that is all going to be surrounded on emotional safety and I'm just telling you like, we know how difficult it can be, but it also feels so good when you're able to shift into this place of safety and knowing that there's no threat to yourself or to your relationship, it really is. 16:04.291 --> 16:16.683 [SPEAKER_00]: It's great work and I had like this term in the beginning that I forgot to share, but it's called Esas, emotionally safe as shit Esas, like keep working towards Esas, E.J. 16:16.743 --> 16:18.105 [SPEAKER_00]: also has a men's group. 16:18.565 --> 16:22.509 [SPEAKER_00]: I'm going to call it Esas Men's, emotionally safe as shit men. 16:23.350 --> 16:27.954 [SPEAKER_00]: I love that, that you should change the name of that men's group, but it's also called men who do the work. 16:28.615 --> 16:29.916 [SPEAKER_00]: because like I know E.J. 16:29.976 --> 16:36.840 [SPEAKER_00]: like five years ago, four years ago, three years ago, like he keeps getting better at holding space for my suffering. 16:36.980 --> 16:39.941 [SPEAKER_00]: I think I'm getting better at holding safe for his suffering. 16:40.002 --> 16:41.202 [SPEAKER_00]: I might have to do more work. 16:41.242 --> 16:49.887 [SPEAKER_00]: I'm not sure, but it's just a constant lifelong skill that we're learning how to be more vulnerable, how to be safe for our partners and how to stay connected. 16:49.907 --> 16:51.148 [SPEAKER_00]: So thank you for listening. 16:51.748 --> 16:53.089 [SPEAKER_00]: As always, take care of yourself. 16:53.149 --> 16:53.929 [SPEAKER_00]: Take care of each other. 16:54.150 --> 16:54.870 [SPEAKER_00]: Bye bye. 16:57.920 --> 17:05.687 [SPEAKER_02]: Just sing and I'm a train me in you listening to the rain Me in you, we are the same in you