[SPEAKER_00]: I don't really subscribe to the idea that we all have one great love.
[SPEAKER_00]: I think I have like a trillion great loves.
[SPEAKER_00]: And I think I've already met many of them.
[SPEAKER_00]: Like I think my sister is one of the great loves in my life.
[SPEAKER_00]: I think Ashley is one of the great loves of my life.
[SPEAKER_00]: Like I don't think that the great loves of your life are necessarily reserved for romantic love.
[SPEAKER_00]: Obviously I talk about this on the show all the time.
[SPEAKER_00]: but like the people that I connect with the most in this life, there's going to be so many of them.
[SPEAKER_00]: And some of them will be more romantic, but I don't know that I'll ever look back at one person and be like, this person meant more to me than everyone else.
[SPEAKER_00]: That would piss me off actually.
[SPEAKER_00]: what's up you guys and welcome back to emotionally online the weekly summer party for heart to heart and hot gossip posted by yours truly the one and only maddie draws back who is having quite possibly one of the worst periods I've had in recent memory and maybe I feel this way every time I have a period and it's like my brain gets wiped and it's like this is the worst.
[SPEAKER_00]: I'm suffering.
[SPEAKER_00]: This is the worst feeling I've ever felt in my life, and then I do it again the next month Which by the way, though last time I talked about My period on here.
[SPEAKER_00]: I forget what the fuck I said, but I saw someone in the comments being like you don't talk about that here and for a second I was like hold on
[SPEAKER_00]: Where the hell do you think you are?
[SPEAKER_00]: What do you mean don't talk about that here?
[SPEAKER_00]: Here?
[SPEAKER_00]: Where?
[SPEAKER_00]: In my house, in my bedroom, on my show.
[SPEAKER_00]: Also, it had me thinking like, what's the number of words do you get invited to?
[SPEAKER_00]: Because clearly you're not getting invited to good ones.
[SPEAKER_00]: I can't recall a single time.
[SPEAKER_00]: I've hung out with my besties, and we haven't talked about some bodily function at some point in time.
[SPEAKER_00]: That's the beauty of a sleepover, okay?
[SPEAKER_00]: Anything goes.
[SPEAKER_00]: We're talking about anything we want here.
[SPEAKER_00]: So if I wanna open the show by talking about my bitch ass period, guess what?
[SPEAKER_00]: I will.
[SPEAKER_00]: But I will, okay?
[SPEAKER_00]: Also, there's something about, like,
[SPEAKER_00]: I don't know.
[SPEAKER_00]: When people are like, you, periods.
[SPEAKER_00]: I'm like, are you 11?
[SPEAKER_00]: Are you an 11-year-old boy?
[SPEAKER_00]: Also, they're two different things.
[SPEAKER_00]: Being like, periods are gross versus like, my period makes me feel gross.
[SPEAKER_00]: I can say that I feel gross and disgusting on my period, because I do versus someone else being like, you, periods are gross disgusting.
[SPEAKER_00]: One is wrong and the other isn't.
[SPEAKER_00]: Also, there's definitely some part of it that stems from like the idea that women aren't allowed to be like gross or have anything out of place about themselves.
[SPEAKER_00]: It's like, oh, he's your hair has to be perfect.
[SPEAKER_00]: Make a perfect, outfit perfect, body perfect.
[SPEAKER_00]: Everything perfect, like, don't ever let anyone know that you are alive, okay?
[SPEAKER_00]: We want you to look like a wax figure in,
[SPEAKER_00]: that you're breathing, let alone that you're experiencing a menstrual cycle.
[SPEAKER_01]: Okay.
[SPEAKER_00]: But truly, I don't think I'll ever see a day where I am not caught off guard completely.
[SPEAKER_00]: Every time I hear a woman have that take, because it's like, how can you be a woman and be like, you, grows periods.
[SPEAKER_00]: Don't talk about that here.
[SPEAKER_00]: Here?
[SPEAKER_00]: Where?
[SPEAKER_00]: Here?
[SPEAKER_00]: I'm late in bed right now.
[SPEAKER_00]: I don't know what the hell you're doing.
[SPEAKER_00]: That's not a my business.
[SPEAKER_00]: Okay.
[SPEAKER_00]: My period cramps are absolutely crazy right now, which is a great opportunity to remind both myself into the listener that orgasms do help with period cramps.
[SPEAKER_00]: Trial-dontested friends.
[SPEAKER_00]: It's something about the contracting of the pelvic floor muscles that happen when you have an orgasm that helps relieve some of the period cramps or discomfort that you might be feeling that I am actively feeling right now in this moment, so there's something about masturbating on your period specifically that feels almost like
[SPEAKER_00]: healing and meditative in a way and actually cheeks has a meditative masturbation guide on their site that is pretty helpful both with just using masturbation as a tool to connect with yourself or if you're someone who finds yourself really in your head during sex it's kind of just an incredible guide for getting out of your head and into your body.
[SPEAKER_00]: when you're masturbating, so shout out to Cheeks as always the sponsor of today's podcast because they always have a beautiful mix of incredibly helpful content and also very sexy content to accompany you if you're in a totally different headspace, whether it's ethically produced intimate films with real diverse representation, immersive audio experiences, you know how much I love audio or rotica, or content within their pleasure academy where they focus more on tutorials, guides,
[SPEAKER_00]: an educational content on intimacy, desire, and connection.
[SPEAKER_00]: It's really just a safe, inclusive, shame-free space to help explore your sexuality, indulge in it a little bit deeper, far from the unrealistic male-centered mainstream adult content that usually see online.
[SPEAKER_00]: Every cheeks production is supported with an intimacy coordinator on set, which we love, and they also collaborate with a bunch of independent, queer, and body-positive
[SPEAKER_00]: diverse and represents a wide range of people and bodies.
[SPEAKER_00]: So if you're interested in checking out cheeks, signing up literally takes two minutes and you can explore everything risk-free when you use my code Matty.
[SPEAKER_00]: You can head to the link in the episode description or the link in my bio if you're watching from Instagram to get started or you can go to getcheeks.com.
[SPEAKER_00]: G-E-T-C-H-E-E-X.com as well.
[SPEAKER_00]: You notice what I'm wearing, a little merch sneak peek.
[SPEAKER_00]: I'm wearing the Love Girls University crew neck right now.
[SPEAKER_00]: This merch is currently live for top to your patrons and it goes live to everyone else next Tuesday.
[SPEAKER_00]: So we are a few days away.
[SPEAKER_00]: We've got a couple emotionally online options.
[SPEAKER_00]: We've got a couple pump cast options.
[SPEAKER_00]: My two favorites are definitely the Levergirls University crewneck, as well as the Ironly Date Sweet Hearts Camo Trucker Hat that I've been teasing on Instagram for the last few weeks because I'm obsessed with it, but we're getting it almost every day.
[SPEAKER_00]: So definitely keep an eye out for that next Tuesday.
[SPEAKER_00]: I'll be posting about it on every single one of my social media platforms.
[SPEAKER_00]: So it'll be hard to miss it.
[SPEAKER_00]: I'm filming this episode on Wednesday, June 10th.
[SPEAKER_00]: Which means that the part three of the summer house reunion aired yesterday.
[SPEAKER_00]: I don't have that much more to say That I didn't already say the last time we talked about summer house, but I did want to add in sort of my additional Rounding out to the end of this thoughts on the summer house reunion parts two and three
[SPEAKER_00]: After part two, my main takeaway for watching that one was that I thought people were kind of losing the plot, mostly people online, but I did feel this energy was kind of a little bit on stage at the reunion as well, but going through what people were saying on threads, seeing screenshots of tweets on Instagram,
[SPEAKER_00]: The one thought that I was having inside my brain is like, why in the world are people doing free PR for Kyle Cook?
[SPEAKER_00]: Why are we doing free PR for Kyle Cook?
[SPEAKER_00]: I feel like because I watched the entirety of Summer House so recently, it's so fresh in my mind.
[SPEAKER_00]: My opinion of Kyle is like really compounded throughout seasons 1 and 10 because there was no time to like digest or like watch my opinion of him change over a long span of time.
[SPEAKER_00]: But I will say that like Carl, for example, is someone that I really didn't like in the early seasons of Summer House.
[SPEAKER_00]: But by the later seasons and by season 10, the season the just finished airing, I kind of love Carl.
[SPEAKER_00]: So, Bert Carl is amazing.
[SPEAKER_00]: So like it's not that Kyle couldn't have had a redemption if he wanted to he just never did.
[SPEAKER_00]: I disliked Kyle throughout the entirety of watching the show or let me amend that statement.
[SPEAKER_00]: It's not that I didn't like Kyle as like a person or like an entertainment figure, but as a partner and like witnessing the way he treats women and operates in relationships, I hated and therefore he was never my favorite person on the show.
[SPEAKER_00]: But it confuses me to see people hate Amanda for reasons that obviously I agree with.
[SPEAKER_00]: As I talked about the last time we talked about the summer I was reading and I think it's despicable what she's done to see her specifically.
[SPEAKER_00]: Nanta Kyle, but when people hate Amanda so much that they start liking Kyle, that's what I don't understand.
[SPEAKER_00]: It's like people think that they
[SPEAKER_00]: have to pick one person to love and one person to hate and I'm like how about we don't idolize either of these people?
[SPEAKER_00]: How about they're both kind of kuku bananas crazy?
[SPEAKER_00]: I never liked either of them.
[SPEAKER_00]: I thought Kyle was an asshole.
[SPEAKER_00]: I thought he was a bad boyfriend.
[SPEAKER_00]: I thought he was a bad husband.
[SPEAKER_00]: He cheated on Amanda multiple times.
[SPEAKER_00]: He's very childish.
[SPEAKER_00]: I don't understand why anyone would marry him.
[SPEAKER_00]: I've got critique for Kyle out the Wazoo and I also have critique for Amanda because I thought it was pathetic that she self abandoned in pursuit of that man, that she stayed with him, that she got married to him after all that he did to her.
[SPEAKER_00]: she ignored every red flag, every warning sign.
[SPEAKER_00]: That's also annoying enough to me as a viewer and as a person that it doesn't make her an incredibly likable person to me either, even beyond the current drama that we're witnessing.
[SPEAKER_00]: But I thought in part two of the reunion where people were nitpicking what Amanda had said about not liking to go out with Kyle and they were like, oh, well, Amanda's been around the world in 80 days out every night, partying with West and she never wanted to party all these other summers for every single summer.
[SPEAKER_00]: She hated partying and Kyle's taking that so personally.
[SPEAKER_00]: This
[SPEAKER_00]: Let's start there.
[SPEAKER_00]: And I thought that whole conversation was so useless because I'm like guys it really doesn't fucking matter why she didn't want to go out and party.
[SPEAKER_00]: She can say no to going out and partying for any fucking reason and she can change her mind and start enjoying and going out and partying if she wants to.
[SPEAKER_00]: She's allowed to say she hates going out with her
[SPEAKER_00]: who would get unreasonably drunk and stay out until 4 a.m. every night and be a fucking menace.
[SPEAKER_00]: She did it on her a million times.
[SPEAKER_00]: She had trauma surrounding that with him.
[SPEAKER_00]: I totally understand why she wouldn't want to be around him when he's like that.
[SPEAKER_00]: Why it wasn't enjoyable for her.
[SPEAKER_00]: I didn't understand what the point was, wherever one was like, oh, so you only disliked going out when it was with Kyle and then Kyle's tearing up and you have people on threads being like, oh, I feel so bad for Kyle, like he just was to be a DJ and she didn't want to go out and party with him and it's like that man is 43 years old and was serial cheating on her every time he was drunk and out to 4 a.m.
[SPEAKER_00]: What do you what are you feeling sad for him about like what do you mean did do we just have on blinders and then it occurred to me that there were some people that started watching summer house at season eight because there were idiots online that told them they didn't have to watch all the back story to it you absolutely did I can't fathom why anyone would have been like oh to understand the current drama you only have to start at season eight because that's the season that West joins out when it's like
[SPEAKER_00]: No, you actually need to see the backstory of Amanda and Kyle to understand this in all of its complexities.
[SPEAKER_00]: I think some people are crazy for that.
[SPEAKER_00]: I don't think you can start any reality show in the middle.
[SPEAKER_00]: That is my two cents on that.
[SPEAKER_00]: I don't think you can start any show period in the middle.
[SPEAKER_00]: You know, unless every season is a different thing like the traitors or something like that.
[SPEAKER_00]: You know, I mean like if it's a Storyed show if there are story lines that are recurring and keep happening I don't think you can start in the middle.
[SPEAKER_00]: I think it's crazy that anyone recommends doing But I was like holy fuck.
[SPEAKER_00]: Don't make me defend her god damn god damn.
[SPEAKER_00]: Why are you guys so weird like why are we defending Kyle cook Kyle cook come on Come on
[SPEAKER_00]: Kyle was consistently an asshole to her.
[SPEAKER_00]: He cheated on her.
[SPEAKER_00]: He lied to her.
[SPEAKER_00]: He would constantly act like a whole last man child, start beef with her friends.
[SPEAKER_00]: Of course, she didn't want to go out with him when he's behaving like that.
[SPEAKER_00]: Why are you making me defend a man?
[SPEAKER_00]: Like the problem was that they were objectively incompatible from the start.
[SPEAKER_00]: The thing about like, Kyle wanting to go out and party every night, I don't even necessarily have a problem with that being the lifestyle he wants to live, he never should have married Amanda, and Amanda never should have married him.
[SPEAKER_00]: They wanted to live different lifestyles.
[SPEAKER_00]: He's 43 years old wanting to act like he's 22 for the rest of his life.
[SPEAKER_00]: He has Peter Pan syndrome to like the highest degree.
[SPEAKER_00]: He needs to marry someone who also wants to live that lifestyle.
[SPEAKER_00]: You need to marry someone who's also in that lane.
[SPEAKER_00]: Amanda didn't want that.
[SPEAKER_00]: Amanda wanted to get a house in Jersey and live a quiet life with Kyle.
[SPEAKER_00]: That's what she said.
[SPEAKER_00]: Now she probably wants something different.
[SPEAKER_00]: Wouldn't you?
[SPEAKER_00]: And it's like the problem isn't that either one of them should have compromised for the other.
[SPEAKER_00]: The problem is that they should not have been together in the first place.
[SPEAKER_00]: If that's the lifestyle he wants, he should go get it.
[SPEAKER_00]: If that's not the lifestyle she wants, she shouldn't compromise just because that is what he wants.
[SPEAKER_00]: You should just both go and separately get what you want.
[SPEAKER_00]: I'm kind of, I don't, is this like a street people thing where I feel like there are so many straight couples that are objectively incompatible but they continue dating or they get married and it's like, and then they get mad at each other for not changing or being something else and it's like, you married someone who was like that.
[SPEAKER_00]: You just hoped they would change the whole time and they did it.
[SPEAKER_00]: You never truly accepted your partner for who they were, what they wanted out of life.
[SPEAKER_00]: And now you're mad that you're incompatible and you're fucking married like maybe we should have thought of that before we got married But you guys are so scared of just being alone That the fear of being alone will drive you to marrying the wrong person over and over and over again That's a very expensive mistake to make Go to therapy So that was my main takeaway after watching part two of the reunion
[SPEAKER_00]: After watching part three last night, I think that West is like truly, deeply, very sinister.
[SPEAKER_00]: And I thought this, the second, I obviously knew about all the drama.
[SPEAKER_00]: And then I mentioned the last time I talked about this, that I realized that I know one of West's friends, and he is the biggest demon I've ever come across ever in my life.
[SPEAKER_00]: I knew he was evil when I realized that was the company he kept.
[SPEAKER_00]: But in observing the way he spoke at the reunion, where they're basically cornering him and being like, were you in an exclusive relationship with Meha, the other woman who he was in a full exclusive relationship with and was lying to.
[SPEAKER_00]: And he's kind of scurting around the question.
[SPEAKER_00]: He's like ultimately says, like, well, she thought we were in an exclusive relationship,
[SPEAKER_00]: Um, which is a really creative way of saying, yes, we were and I cheated on her.
[SPEAKER_00]: Yes, we were and I just decided one day that we weren't.
[SPEAKER_00]: Um, and putting it on her instead.
[SPEAKER_00]: And it's such a sinister way to word that.
[SPEAKER_00]: That's such like a deeply scary perspective for someone to have set of words, a sentence for someone to say.
[SPEAKER_00]: And it really reminded me of the person that I know that he is friends with and I think my lucky stars every day that I never ended up getting more involved with this friend that I know of.
[SPEAKER_00]: I caught him cheating on his girlfriend.
[SPEAKER_00]: We were supposed to go on a date together and before we could even go on that date, I figured out he had a girlfriend.
[SPEAKER_00]: Since that point time, I have met
[SPEAKER_00]: at least five or six other women that have been absolutely tormented by this man.
[SPEAKER_00]: He exclusively does it to plus eyes women.
[SPEAKER_00]: Whatever horrible thing you can think up inside your brain, multiply it by 10.
[SPEAKER_00]: That's a horrible this guy is.
[SPEAKER_00]: These are not my stories, so I am not in a place to tell them.
[SPEAKER_00]: All I can tell is my experience with him, which is that we were supposed to go on a date.
[SPEAKER_00]: I discovered a couple days before our date that he had a whole last girlfriend on Lucky for him.
[SPEAKER_00]: It was a friend of a friend of mine.
[SPEAKER_00]: So we put two and two together.
[SPEAKER_00]: I called him out for it and then I kind of fucked off.
[SPEAKER_00]: I was so emotional about it though.
[SPEAKER_00]: I definitely talked about it.
[SPEAKER_00]: This was like 2018 or 2019.
[SPEAKER_00]: Um, and I was like distraught about it at the time I felt so bad and so horrible and I just
[SPEAKER_00]: Yeah, I hated being roped into cheaters nonsense, even though that was a situation where he and I never went on the day, we never kissed, there was never anything that happened between the two of us.
[SPEAKER_00]: Thank fucking God after everything else I heard about this man.
[SPEAKER_00]: But he's been all over those already dating the same guy Facebook groups.
[SPEAKER_00]: I feel like every plus-size woman in New York knows about him at this point and if you
[SPEAKER_00]: Just know that there is an insane man out there that terrorizes plus-sized women in New York City who is besties with West Wilson and I think that these men are two sides of the same coin and I think they are deeply evil and deeply sinister
[SPEAKER_00]: And after putting these things together, I think that whole friend group needs to be studied under a microscope because they are emotional terrorists.
[SPEAKER_00]: And I don't know what else to say about that.
[SPEAKER_00]: I just know that I'm witnessing some things, and I'm putting puzzle pieces together over here, and I'm not liking what I'm seeing.
[SPEAKER_00]: This is not gonna end well for Amanda and I didn't need the external connection or to to know that obviously it's not and I thought the point that Kyle made on part three they were union to be like, you pounced on Amanda two weeks after she's filing for divorce.
[SPEAKER_00]: She's in like one of the most vulnerable positions of her life.
[SPEAKER_00]: You pounced on her in this moment and successfully isolate her from literally all of her friends, all of her relationships, all of her community and
[SPEAKER_00]: Now, I don't necessarily view Amanda with as much of like a victim lens as someone like Kyle does.
[SPEAKER_00]: I think Amanda is a grown woman who makes her own choices and has ultimately chosen this over her friendship with Sierra, who was such a good friend to her, and that's unforgivable in my eyes.
[SPEAKER_00]: and it's hard for it to not feel kind of calculated in sinister that West pounced on her as quickly as he did point blank and also knowing the company he keeps uh that's what I'll say about that.
[SPEAKER_00]: I'll leave it there.
[SPEAKER_00]: And obviously there's going to be an extra little bonus episode next week which I will be using my VPN from Croatia to
[SPEAKER_00]: because we're going to need to know what's happening there.
[SPEAKER_00]: We're going to need to know what went on there because in the preview for it, when Sierra and Mihar talking about their interactions with West and Mihar tell Sierra that after they filmed the reunion, West texted Mihar and said, okay, you win.
[SPEAKER_00]: That is fucking diabolical.
[SPEAKER_00]: That's crazy.
[SPEAKER_00]: That's literally insane.
[SPEAKER_00]: can't imagine that.
[SPEAKER_00]: That is a man that I hope never gets any plus ever again for the rest of his life.
[SPEAKER_00]: He doesn't deserve it.
[SPEAKER_00]: And the fact that people can witness all of this and still be like, and I want him, and I'm going to DM him and see if I can get him, like, you guys are dumb.
[SPEAKER_00]: When you shake your head, you hear rocks tumbling around.
[SPEAKER_00]: I have no other explanation for that.
[SPEAKER_00]: Let's jump into some of these audience submissions.
[SPEAKER_00]: Shall we?
[SPEAKER_00]: We've got quite a few.
[SPEAKER_00]: The box has been sitting for a little bit, so I'm gonna try to get through as many as I can.
[SPEAKER_00]: In a reasonable amount of time, because I can't be here all day with peace and love.
[SPEAKER_00]: Ha ha ha ha.
[SPEAKER_00]: Hey queen, I'm struggling with being a girl who cares.
[SPEAKER_00]: I find I care more than everyone else in my life, specifically in my friendships, and I don't think any of them are bad people in the slightest.
[SPEAKER_00]: Perhaps they have more going on in their lives than I do, maybe I need to get more of a life.
[SPEAKER_00]: But I feel like I am interesting and cool and fun and kind and I don't know why I'm always thinking about people more than they're thinking about me.
[SPEAKER_00]: Every time I text someone and they don't answer for weeks, every time I try to make a plan and never going to follow up.
[SPEAKER_00]: Every interaction I have where the other person isn't matching my energy has all piled up into a giant mountain that I'm stuck underneath.
[SPEAKER_00]: For a long time, I was able to crawl up from under it and keep making an effort because I know that's the right thing to do.
[SPEAKER_00]: But I think I've reached the point where I can't get out from under it anymore.
[SPEAKER_00]: I've spent the last few months isolating myself and spoiler alert, it didn't help, but I really don't know where to go from here.
[SPEAKER_00]: I don't expect you to be able to entirely fix my situation, but I admire you a lot and really appreciate the representation for girls who care.
[SPEAKER_00]: How can I stop feeling like a burden?
[SPEAKER_00]: Thank you so much.
[SPEAKER_00]: I relate to what you've written here.
[SPEAKER_00]: I kind of in a different way had a breaking point a couple years ago, where I basically felt like a lot of my friendships were being held together by me and I felt like I was always the one planning and I was kind of the glue to a lot of the friend groups.
[SPEAKER_00]: I was a part of
[SPEAKER_00]: And I felt like I was given a friendship responsibilities that other people didn't have and I reached a point where I just started to feel like
[SPEAKER_00]: I was more like the friendship manager than I was a participant in the friendship.
[SPEAKER_00]: I didn't ever feel like I got to enjoy the outings as much as other people did because I was always the one planning and trying to make things special and I would receive, you know, complaints and feedback and let's do this next, let's do this next, let's do that, let's do this, but nobody ever wanted to help with it, it was just like people telling me what they wanted me to do.
[SPEAKER_00]: and it stopped feeling fun, I think that planning and being the person who reaches out, being the person who keeps in touch, being the person who is more of a planner or just like a better communicator is not a bad thing, and it's often something that you can be without feeling
[SPEAKER_00]: fulfilling the position or the expectations of the roller weighing you down, like I will always be a planer friend.
[SPEAKER_00]: I will always be someone who wants to bring people together and is happy to be the one to take the lead and get everything sorted out, make the reservation, set the date, wrangle everyone together.
[SPEAKER_00]: Like I am happy to be that person because that's just who I am and I don't want to change.
[SPEAKER_00]: to be honest, I like being the one that makes the decisions.
[SPEAKER_00]: So I'm cool with being that person.
[SPEAKER_00]: I'm just not cool with feeling like it's 100% on my shoulders that it's not a position that sometimes gets passed around that I'm saddled with all these expectations of what I need to do for everyone else versus like
[SPEAKER_00]: This is a relationship.
[SPEAKER_00]: There's a back and forth here.
[SPEAKER_00]: There's a given take.
[SPEAKER_00]: I was tired of feeling like I was just like Yeah, the friendship manager It wasn't fun, and it didn't make me feel connected to people.
[SPEAKER_00]: It didn't make me feel Appreciated I honestly felt myself just building up resentment over time and so I hit a point where I was like I'm done
[SPEAKER_00]: I'm done planning.
[SPEAKER_00]: I am done hosting all these events.
[SPEAKER_00]: I'm done bringing people together.
[SPEAKER_00]: I'm done I am done and what I meant by that was that I was only going to put effort in with people who also poured effort into me and I wasn't going to pour effort into people who made me feel like I was constantly under surveillance and being monitored for how well I was performing at
[SPEAKER_00]: uh, you know, managing the friend group and bringing people together and planning and doing all these things like anybody who per pressure on me to be the leader of anything.
[SPEAKER_00]: I didn't want to be that.
[SPEAKER_00]: I didn't want to be the leader of a friend group.
[SPEAKER_00]: I didn't want to be the anything of a friend group.
[SPEAKER_00]: I just wanted to be a friend.
[SPEAKER_00]: And so I stopped planning and stopped performing for people who made me feel like I had to perform.
[SPEAKER_00]: And there was a time where that made me really sad because I wanted to plan.
[SPEAKER_00]: I wanted to make things special.
[SPEAKER_00]: I just didn't want to feel like I was being taken advantage of or that it was becoming not fun for me because of how I was being treated.
[SPEAKER_00]: So,
[SPEAKER_00]: There was a transition period where things kind of felt weird and sad and I was just bummed out that things had shook out the way it did.
[SPEAKER_00]: But then over time what ended up happening was that I was able to build friendships that felt more equitable with people who cared the way that I cared.
[SPEAKER_00]: I only poured in to reciprocal friendships and I also had a separate realization.
[SPEAKER_00]: It was sort of like a wake up called myself where I was like in some ways not all of this, but some of this is fueled by my impatience and also the ways in which I can be a little bit of a control freak.
[SPEAKER_00]: And just wanting things to go the way they are in my head or on the timeline I have in my head and sometimes that's just not the timeline that everyone works off of and that is okay.
[SPEAKER_00]: I noticed that as I stopped planning, as I started planning less, other people did step up, they just stepped up slower than I would have expected them to.
[SPEAKER_00]: I realized that there were definitely moments where, if I had just chilled the fuck out, practiced patience and gave other people the opportunity to step up, then they probably would have been, but I was so on top of it that it was like I didn't give other people
[SPEAKER_00]: Yeah, in taking a step back from being the planner friend, feeling like I was managing a friend group and doing all of that.
[SPEAKER_00]: I found that other people were better planners and better communicators than I ever knew they were because when I stopped rushing to be the first one all the time, other people got to be the first one to make plans.
[SPEAKER_00]: And now I find myself in a space where my friendships are in a much better place.
[SPEAKER_00]: There's a lot more back and forth give and take.
[SPEAKER_00]: It does feel more equal.
[SPEAKER_00]: And
[SPEAKER_00]: Just better now.
[SPEAKER_00]: And so looking back, I can see that part of it was me, part of it was my, you know, the way I sometimes have my fist clenched around wanting control over something.
[SPEAKER_00]: I know this about myself.
[SPEAKER_00]: I'm the eldest daughter come on.
[SPEAKER_00]: I can sometimes be like that, and that was impacting how I was experiencing my relationships and how I was perceiving the back and forth the give and take, and also there were certain relationships in my life that were not very reciprocal, that weren't very balanced.
[SPEAKER_00]: And that's okay, by the way.
[SPEAKER_00]: It's okay for friendships to not be 100% balanced all the time, but it shouldn't always be that way.
[SPEAKER_00]: Slash, it shouldn't make you feel like shit.
[SPEAKER_00]: Somebody should not make you feel like rejected or abandoned or whatever, but it's normal for friendships to be blown and go through phases where you're closer.
[SPEAKER_00]: And when you're farther apart, someone's busy, someone's going through a major life change, you know,
[SPEAKER_00]: We have room to be human and all of this, but yeah, I think through that process of stepping away from being the planner for a little bit, it really helped illuminate to me the ways in which I was contributing to that problem and which friendships actually needed work or which friendships just weren't working at all anymore.
[SPEAKER_00]: So anyways, all of this to say, you are cool and interesting and fun and kind and all of those wonderful things.
[SPEAKER_00]: And it's a beautiful thing to be someone who cares, who wants to make things special for your friends and, you know, just make life beautiful for the people that you love.
[SPEAKER_00]: That's an amazing way to be, and I don't think you should ever change that for the world, but if you are someone who really cares a lot, I think two valuable reflection points are reflecting on
[SPEAKER_00]: The ways in which you might expect people to be a complete mirror for you, where that may be a stretch of like you just being impatient or expecting people to communicate and show up in the same ways that you do and where you can be more flexible and in reflecting on like.
[SPEAKER_00]: do your friendships feel balanced?
[SPEAKER_00]: Do they feel reciprocal?
[SPEAKER_00]: Is this a season of a friendship where things are shifting and your closer or farther apart or does this feel like a larger issue within your friendship?
[SPEAKER_00]: Is it something that you want to have?
[SPEAKER_00]: a sit down conversation about.
[SPEAKER_00]: I have had sit down conversations with friends in the past when I didn't feel like there was complete reciprocity happening in our friendship and most of the time actually pretty much 100% of the time that I've had that conversation with friends.
[SPEAKER_00]: It's really been a very connective conversation where we both feel like we leave it feeling more understood by the other person, particularly when you go in wanting to understand rather than like going in with anger or resentment towards this person already built up for the ways they haven't shown up.
[SPEAKER_00]: Most of the time, people are too focused on their own lives to realize that they could have hurt your feelings, and most people really want to show up and be a pillar of community in their friends' lives.
[SPEAKER_00]: Most of the time, I feel like that conversation just serves as a way to bring you guys closer together.
[SPEAKER_00]: And if it doesn't go well.
[SPEAKER_00]: then you have your answer.
[SPEAKER_00]: You know, but I totally understand how you're feeling.
[SPEAKER_00]: I've been there and it does get better in time.
[SPEAKER_00]: You will figure it out.
[SPEAKER_00]: But being in the thick of it is really horrible because it is like something that takes a while to sort out and you know.
[SPEAKER_00]: Friends dynamics change, there's been errors of my life where I felt that I was very satisfied with my friend corner of my life and there have been other errors where I've been like, oh my god.
[SPEAKER_00]: I wish that things were different.
[SPEAKER_00]: I wish that I had more friends who were like this or, you know, a friend that I could totally be in matched energy with.
[SPEAKER_00]: You know, now I feel like I've learned which friends of mine are very similar to me.
[SPEAKER_00]: I think this is why Ashley and I have been, I mean, one of the many reasons why Ashley and I have been best friends since we were seven years old is because we are both type A eldest daughters.
[SPEAKER_00]: So I feel like for as much as I'm a planner who's on top of everything, so is Ashley.
[SPEAKER_00]: So I feel like we've always completely seen each other and reciprocated and just like match each other.
[SPEAKER_00]: In a way that has been hard to find in some of my other relationship, but I felt the same way with Ellie, the second I met her in college, like she's someone that we just like match each other.
[SPEAKER_00]: And I feel the same way about Meg now.
[SPEAKER_00]: with.
[SPEAKER_00]: And it's okay for not every single one of your friendships to be a mirror for you in that way.
[SPEAKER_01]: You know, that's fine.
[SPEAKER_01]: That's okay that they're not.
[SPEAKER_00]: But it's about balance.
[SPEAKER_00]: I hope that made sense.
[SPEAKER_00]: How do you get over being the girl who came after the girlfriend?
[SPEAKER_00]: I'm dating a wonderful man, but before he was in a seven-year relationship.
[SPEAKER_00]: They lived together, he planned to marry her, and she was a huge part of his life for a very long time.
[SPEAKER_00]: Even though that relationship is over and he's chosen to be with me, I sometimes struggle with feeling like I'm living in the shadow of what they had.
[SPEAKER_00]: I find myself comparing our relationship to theirs and wondering if I'll ever measure up to the woman he once thought he'd spend the rest of his life with.
[SPEAKER_00]: I don't want to be competing with someone from his past, but I can't seem to shake the feeling that I'm the girl who came after the love of his life.
[SPEAKER_00]: How do I stop comparing myself to a relationship that existed before me and feel secure in the one I'm in now?
[SPEAKER_00]: I hear you.
[SPEAKER_00]: A couple thoughts, a couple reminders.
[SPEAKER_00]: First thought that pops into my head is just, it didn't work for a reason.
[SPEAKER_00]: I have a couple of friends who have been in long-term relationships like that 7 plus year relationships.
[SPEAKER_00]: And I've been friends with people who have ended those 7 year plus relationships.
[SPEAKER_00]: And I can tell you with complete confidence that exactly none of my friends who ended those 7 year relationships did so lightly.
[SPEAKER_00]: and none of them look back on those seven year relationships and think to themselves God, they're the one that got away.
[SPEAKER_00]: That was the best ever.
[SPEAKER_00]: Why did we break up?
[SPEAKER_00]: I was so in love and I'm still so in love and nothing ever compares.
[SPEAKER_00]: Like
[SPEAKER_00]: they broke up for a reason.
[SPEAKER_00]: They broke up because it didn't work because they weren't the one.
[SPEAKER_00]: Maybe they were the one for a period of time.
[SPEAKER_00]: Maybe they were the one in their 20s, you know.
[SPEAKER_00]: They were the one for their 24 year old self.
[SPEAKER_00]: But in your 30s, you're like, oh, you know what?
[SPEAKER_00]: It's not working.
[SPEAKER_00]: They're not the one for me anymore.
[SPEAKER_00]: Maybe they were the one then, but the one for me now looks completely different.
[SPEAKER_00]: They broke up for a reason.
[SPEAKER_00]: Things ended for a reason.
[SPEAKER_00]: Just because someone has felt big feelings for someone in the past doesn't mean they feel those big feelings in the present moment.
[SPEAKER_00]: I think it's possible to still have love for an appreciation for the period in your life where it did make sense to close the door to a chapter.
[SPEAKER_00]: when it makes sense to do so and move on and move forward with your life and find the new love of your life.
[SPEAKER_00]: Like I don't really subscribe to the idea that like we all have one one great love.
[SPEAKER_00]: I think I have like a trillion great loves.
[SPEAKER_00]: And I think I've already met many of them.
[SPEAKER_00]: Like I think my sister is one of the great loves in my life.
[SPEAKER_00]: I think Ashley is one of the great loves of my life.
[SPEAKER_00]: Like I don't think that the great loves of your life are necessarily reserved for romantic love.
[SPEAKER_00]: Obviously I talk about this on the show all the time.
[SPEAKER_00]: But like the people that I connect with the most in this life, there's going to be so many of them.
[SPEAKER_00]: And some of them will be more romantic, but I don't know that I'll ever look back at one person and be like, this person meant more to me than everyone else.
[SPEAKER_00]: That would piss me off actually.
[SPEAKER_00]: because the love I have for someone like Ashley or my sister is like it's immeasurable to me.
[SPEAKER_00]: I would actually rather buy a gun and fire it directly into my skull than ever say that I met a man that I was in love with and it like trumped the love I felt for Ashley or my sister.
[SPEAKER_00]: Fucking never, that would never be true.
[SPEAKER_00]: Again, I believe in like
[SPEAKER_00]: the person that I love, all of the great loves of my life are like standing with each other hand in hand.
[SPEAKER_00]: There is no, you know, man that's ever going above my sister or Ashley.
[SPEAKER_00]: I believe that I could love someone that my future partner, I can love the way I love the two of them, but they would never be put above them.
[SPEAKER_00]: And I think I feel the same way about like, I don't know, just thinking about exes, like I don't see it as like a pyramid, like a dance mom's pyramid, where it's like, that was the one and there's never anyone else.
[SPEAKER_00]: And like I, this is kind of a different but similar thing, but I feel the same way about widows and like when people re-marry, when a widow remarries,
[SPEAKER_00]: I think that two things can be true at once, that like your first marriage, your first partner that passed that was the love of your life and it was so meaningful and powerful and beautiful and I believe that you can meet someone afterwards and they can also be the love of your life and it can be beautiful and powerful and all of the same things in this new era or chapter of your life.
[SPEAKER_00]: We are so different in all of the errors and chapters of our lives.
[SPEAKER_00]: The person that I would have been the most compatible with when I was in college is not the same person that I would be the most compatible with now.
[SPEAKER_00]: The shit I said I loved when I was 24 is not the same shit I say I love now.
[SPEAKER_00]: You know, like we're allowed to be different.
[SPEAKER_00]: We're allowed to change and I totally understand and
[SPEAKER_00]: And it's deeply unhelpful because our capacity for love is so much more immense than that.
[SPEAKER_00]: Our capacity for love is so deep and profound.
[SPEAKER_00]: There's room for many great loves of our lives.
[SPEAKER_00]: There's no reason to compare.
[SPEAKER_00]: And also, we changed throughout our lives.
[SPEAKER_00]: What was great then?
[SPEAKER_00]: What was the love of your life then?
[SPEAKER_00]: Might not be the love of your life now.
[SPEAKER_00]: Ultimately, things ended for a reason.
[SPEAKER_00]: They broke up for a reason.
[SPEAKER_00]: in the present moment.
[SPEAKER_00]: Ground yourself in the present moment, expand your perspective on what our capacity for love is as individuals and accept that you're actually not in competition with his ex at all.
[SPEAKER_00]: Is that the way you would feel if you started dating someone new?
[SPEAKER_00]: Like when I go on dates with people, they're not competing with the past people I've dated before.
[SPEAKER_00]: They're
[SPEAKER_00]: I'm just analyzing and measuring our current compatibility, how they fit into my life, how I fit into theirs, and if it makes any sort of sense.
[SPEAKER_00]: And I think that that's true for most people.
[SPEAKER_00]: But it's one of those things where like, you know, we wouldn't, we wouldn't feel that way ourselves if the roles were reversed, but we'll still feel insecure about it and compare ourselves, because that's like, you know, the gut instinct.
[SPEAKER_00]: It's time for a perspective shift.
[SPEAKER_00]: Hi Matty, thank you for sharing so much of your experience fostering and loving cats.
[SPEAKER_00]: You inspired me to start fostering, starting last November.
[SPEAKER_00]: I've had three fosters now, and while the first two were perfect in their own quirky, prickly way, the most recent goodbye has been particularly tough.
[SPEAKER_00]: I really wanted to adopt this cat.
[SPEAKER_00]: He was so sweet, confident, friendly, and just such a goofy guy.
[SPEAKER_00]: He came to me so skinny, and stinky, and full of trust, and he grew into a really handsome healthy boy over the last two months.
[SPEAKER_00]: I love him dearly, but unfortunately I travel a lot for work, particularly in the summer, and I'm in a long distance relationship, so adopting now just isn't an option.
[SPEAKER_00]: As I see it, he was the right cat at the wrong time, and he just got adopted by someone else.
[SPEAKER_00]: My question is, how do you say goodbye to your foster cats, particularly the ones that you really form an attachment to?
[SPEAKER_00]: How do you handle worrying that their next home won't love them as deeply or unconditionally as you do?
[SPEAKER_00]: I'm hyped to meet my next foster cat in a few months, but I could really use help handling the inevitable sadness.
[SPEAKER_00]: I don't know if you can see her, but my current foster cat origami is sitting right next to me as I film this.
[SPEAKER_00]: She's been here the whole time and she's actually being picked up by her next foster in literally 20 minutes.
[SPEAKER_00]: So, I totally understand, I've had origami for almost two months, and I have really particularly loved her.
[SPEAKER_00]: She came to me as the mom.
[SPEAKER_00]: I got her and her three babies.
[SPEAKER_00]: Her babies have all now been adopted, and it's been me and her for the last couple weeks.
[SPEAKER_00]: And it's been really fun because it was so clear that she actually never wanted to be a mom.
[SPEAKER_00]: She's still young herself.
[SPEAKER_00]: She's less than a year old had three babies crazy and she finally gets to be a kid.
[SPEAKER_00]: And now so she's been loving the solo time.
[SPEAKER_00]: She snuggles with me at night.
[SPEAKER_00]: She, you know, she's a very vocal cat.
[SPEAKER_00]: She's very talkative.
[SPEAKER_00]: So throughout my day, I'll be sitting working at my desk and she'll come over and just meow and meow until I go lay in bed with her and just cuddle her and pet her.
[SPEAKER_00]: It's really sweet.
[SPEAKER_00]: It's also a little annoying, but it's mostly sweet.
[SPEAKER_00]: and I have been dreading saying goodbye to her.
[SPEAKER_00]: I also dreaded saying goodbye to the last foster kitten I had.
[SPEAKER_00]: Zip, I think sometimes it's one of those things I really just have to not think about.
[SPEAKER_00]: I used to cry a lot like when I first started fostering, I would sob like pretty much every time and it became one of those things that I just had to like let myself get a few tears out and then I just kind of have to take a deep breath and bury it.
[SPEAKER_00]: We'll be crying for the rest of my life.
[SPEAKER_00]: Um, but I've definitely been nervous for her to leave me because I've noticed that she's formed an attachment to me.
[SPEAKER_00]: I have a bunch of friends come over and, you know, megs here a lot and she hides every time anyone else is in the apartment.
[SPEAKER_00]: It's only me that she lets pet her and be cuddly and sweeten all these things.
[SPEAKER_00]: So it does make me sad to picture her going to another foster and eventually to somebody
[SPEAKER_00]: I think I always just have to remind myself that like she had the capacity to love me and she's going to try to put it in my hands.
[SPEAKER_00]: She had the capacity to love and trust me, she will have the capacity to love and trust someone else.
[SPEAKER_00]: I trust that all of my fosters go to beautiful loving homes.
[SPEAKER_00]: I've had the pleasure of meeting most of the adopters of the cats I've fostered, obviously when they go to another foster instead of to their home, I don't get to know so I won't know who adopts or got me, but
[SPEAKER_00]: Um, just in knowing like of all the adopters that I've met, I've never met a single adopter that I didn't think was like a beautiful, wonderful, kind, warm person who was the right person for the cat.
[SPEAKER_00]: If I thought that they were being adopted by someone who wasn't right fit, I would tell the rescue.
[SPEAKER_00]: But I've never encountered that.
[SPEAKER_00]: Every person who's come to adopt one of my fosters has been like so sweet and so excited.
[SPEAKER_00]: The kittens that just got adopted.
[SPEAKER_00]: One of them went to a family of four who was so excited to adopt a new cat because one of their other cats had passed away a couple months ago.
[SPEAKER_00]: And they were really feeling the lack and their other cats were really missing them.
[SPEAKER_00]: So they wanted to bring in a new cat to the home to just sort of raise everyone's spirits and their other cats spirits.
[SPEAKER_00]: And they were so excited and so sweet with the cat when they came over here.
[SPEAKER_00]: And I also there was a couple who adopted the other two cats.
[SPEAKER_00]: And they were telling me about how they always have wanted cats, but they've never had any.
[SPEAKER_00]: They've never had the right opportunity for them.
[SPEAKER_00]: And they're just like describing what they hope for and how they, you know, they want these, like, cuddly, playful, very affectionate cats to just like be attached at the hip to them.
[SPEAKER_00]: And these kittens were, you know, exactly that.
[SPEAKER_00]: And it's nice to hear people talk about how excited they are.
[SPEAKER_00]: to adopt a cat and I think about how I felt when I adopted mango and how like I felt like it was the most exciting thing that had ever happened to me when I got approved to adopt her and I still remember driving out to New Jersey to go pick her up from her foster's house and like what an exciting day that was and how much I look forward to it and like how much that day totally changed my life.
[SPEAKER_00]: And it honestly just, it makes me happy now to see the fosters get adopted and to like witness someone else having the same day that I had when I adopted mango.
[SPEAKER_00]: I'm like, what a, that was a beautiful day in my life.
[SPEAKER_00]: And I'm getting to witness other people have that day and I hope everyone gets a day like that.
[SPEAKER_00]: If I could make sure that every person got to adopt, you know, their soul cat, every person got to have a day where they adopt a precious little animal that's going to love them.
[SPEAKER_00]: They're so just like overjoyed and excited about, like it's so, it's so special.
[SPEAKER_00]: And when you can trust that they're going to the right homes, and that these people are like experiencing something so joyful to get to bring them home, it's a lot easier.
[SPEAKER_00]: So, I get it because it is hard, it is an emotional thing to say goodbye, but fostering is important.
[SPEAKER_00]: It saves lives, it gets so many cats off the street and into warm, loving, happy homes.
[SPEAKER_00]: You've done great work in giving these kittens, cats,
[SPEAKER_00]: You know, a warm place to stay, and all the love in your heart to sweeten them up and prepare them for their home, they'll go to.
[SPEAKER_00]: I always say that like,
[SPEAKER_00]: I always would call my house, you know, the mad mango foster home for sweetheart's and other girls, because every cat that came through here would leave a more affectionate cat, because of how I am and also how mango was and just, yeah, the vibes we have over here.
[SPEAKER_00]: and it makes me feel happy to know that there will be more sweet hearts and lover girls and you know, cuddly cats in the universe because they ended up fostering with me and they're gonna go to a home that loves them for that and that's a beautiful thing and I know it's a beautiful thing because I experienced it with mango and she was the best thing that ever happened to me
[SPEAKER_00]: So that's kind of my perspective on it now, but it's still hard, regardless.
[SPEAKER_00]: I'm going to be sad when you get picked up in 10 minutes, my love, but you're going to go to another foster who's going to love you so much.
[SPEAKER_00]: If you want to keep the good vibes going, you can join me over on Patreon for the post show.
[SPEAKER_00]: You can follow the podcast, add a motion on-line pod, on TikTok and Instagram.
[SPEAKER_00]: You can follow me at MattyDrawSpec.
[SPEAKER_00]: And I will see you guys next week with an episode that's been pre-recorded because I will be in Croatia with the Levergirls on this year's Levergirls trip.
[SPEAKER_00]: So can't wait to see those of you that are coming, we're going to have the best freaking time ever.
[SPEAKER_00]: And those of you who are not, I will be here next week with a pre-recorded episode of Megan.
[SPEAKER_00]: I love you so much and I will see you when I see you.
[SPEAKER_01]: Bye!