WEBVTT 00:00.111 --> 00:03.733 [SPEAKER_00]: You're listening to a 4th Girls podcast, Flashback Friday episode. 00:04.253 --> 00:13.538 [SPEAKER_00]: Every Friday, I re-share an older episode for new listeners who haven't heard it, or as a refresher for OG listeners who might need to hear it again as a reminder. 00:14.038 --> 00:16.700 [SPEAKER_00]: Enjoy and I'll see you with a new episode on Monday. 00:28.663 --> 00:29.805 [SPEAKER_00]: Hello, hello. 00:30.025 --> 00:32.328 [SPEAKER_00]: Welcome back to another episode of For The Girls. 00:32.589 --> 00:34.692 [SPEAKER_00]: I'm your host, Victoria, Allerial. 00:35.152 --> 00:38.998 [SPEAKER_00]: And today we're talking about boundaries. 00:39.158 --> 00:41.161 [SPEAKER_00]: I'm really excited to get into this one. 00:41.241 --> 00:44.165 [SPEAKER_00]: I have a lot to talk about with you girls. 00:44.185 --> 00:45.187 [SPEAKER_00]: I personally. 00:45.698 --> 00:53.719 [SPEAKER_00]: think boundaries are super hot, super sexy in dating, in life, and I want to paint that picture for you girls. 00:54.500 --> 01:01.561 [SPEAKER_00]: And I don't necessarily think that boundaries are like, going out of style or could ever go out of style. 01:01.961 --> 01:05.921 [SPEAKER_00]: But every now and then, I stumble across videos of story times. 01:06.362 --> 01:13.823 [SPEAKER_00]: People telling me, like, wild stories that have happened cool and cool to them, like, you know, painting themselves 01:15.263 --> 01:25.365 [SPEAKER_00]: and the truth is so much of what I see in here in these crazy stories is like, you welcomed this in, you allow the disrespect. 01:26.226 --> 01:33.407 [SPEAKER_00]: The situation would have never got to this point, this extent, if you put a cabash to it in the first place. 01:33.787 --> 01:41.869 [SPEAKER_00]: Because as you're like listening to the story, it's always like someone asked me this or that, they're like, you know, I said, yeah, because I 01:45.316 --> 01:56.839 [SPEAKER_00]: do X, Y, Z, like, okay, you said yes because you didn't expect them to actually do the thing that they were asking of you, like, I could just call it out. 01:57.219 --> 01:59.860 [SPEAKER_00]: I'm very self-aware, socially aware. 01:59.900 --> 02:07.022 [SPEAKER_00]: So as soon as I hear these things in a story time, I'm like scrolling through the comments waiting to see if anybody else sees what I see. 02:07.982 --> 02:08.802 [SPEAKER_00]: Sometimes they do. 02:09.340 --> 02:12.301 [SPEAKER_00]: most of the time they don't, I think most people lack self-awareness. 02:12.701 --> 02:14.421 [SPEAKER_00]: So they're like, I would have done the same thing. 02:14.641 --> 02:22.683 [SPEAKER_00]: I'm like, okay, well, that's why this one single thing is the reason why this story got to the place that it got to. 02:22.763 --> 02:27.444 [SPEAKER_00]: I'm like, well, there's one single boundary that could have been implemented. 02:28.104 --> 02:29.484 [SPEAKER_00]: That would have helped you there. 02:29.524 --> 02:32.845 [SPEAKER_00]: Like all you needed was one solution to the problem. 02:33.545 --> 02:35.365 [SPEAKER_00]: and you're just dodged it all together. 02:35.385 --> 02:38.446 [SPEAKER_00]: You dodged the boundary, dodged the solution. 02:38.506 --> 02:44.768 [SPEAKER_00]: So that's why you're facing the problem and this crazy five minute long story time then listening to on TikTok. 02:45.068 --> 02:55.390 [SPEAKER_00]: And then the other thing I also recently saw a video of a girl talking about like, she was basically saying dating in your 20s is meant to be messy and painful. 02:55.790 --> 02:57.651 [SPEAKER_00]: It's going to be full of regrets. 02:57.731 --> 03:02.092 [SPEAKER_00]: And she was really just romanticizing that dating in your 20s 03:03.092 --> 03:14.021 [SPEAKER_00]: should be an absolute dumpster fire, shit show, and she was romanticizing having a lack of respect, no boundaries at all, being walked all over by guys. 03:14.101 --> 03:24.129 [SPEAKER_00]: And while, yes, heartbreak may, in fact, be inevitable, and it may just be a byproduct of dating, it doesn't have to mean like, 03:25.440 --> 03:29.582 [SPEAKER_00]: Let's just throw in the towel and be walked all over like a welcome man. 03:29.602 --> 03:34.804 [SPEAKER_00]: Let's just expect the worst from everyone and accept all the bullshit because it's bound to happen anyway. 03:34.844 --> 03:35.665 [SPEAKER_00]: So, live it up. 03:36.165 --> 03:36.885 [SPEAKER_00]: Have fun. 03:36.905 --> 03:45.650 [SPEAKER_00]: No, like that's that's crazy to just go into dating with the mindset of like guys will shit on me anyway. 03:46.050 --> 03:49.291 [SPEAKER_00]: So I might as well just accept it girls. 03:49.932 --> 03:51.812 [SPEAKER_00]: Let's let's let's simmer down. 03:52.033 --> 03:52.893 [SPEAKER_00]: Okay, shall we? 03:53.843 --> 03:58.185 [SPEAKER_00]: And let's make boundaries hot again, because I think that they always were. 03:58.365 --> 04:06.648 [SPEAKER_00]: I think boundaries like I said are hot, sexy, the confidence that oozes out of you, the aura, I think that's the word that they love these days. 04:06.708 --> 04:11.329 [SPEAKER_00]: The aura, like you will have that magnetic hot, sexy aura. 04:11.710 --> 04:18.012 [SPEAKER_00]: The more firm you are in your boundaries and you will not miss out on anything as a result. 04:18.352 --> 04:25.234 [SPEAKER_00]: I feel like people are afraid to implement boundaries because they have phomo and they think like if I say no, then I'm missing out on everything. 04:25.334 --> 04:26.674 [SPEAKER_00]: It's like no girl. 04:26.734 --> 04:28.094 [SPEAKER_00]: It's actually the opposite. 04:28.415 --> 04:30.355 [SPEAKER_00]: You're going to gain so much more. 04:30.395 --> 04:32.055 [SPEAKER_00]: You're going to gain respect. 04:32.436 --> 04:34.316 [SPEAKER_00]: You're going to have better experiences. 04:34.336 --> 04:38.097 [SPEAKER_00]: You know when they say high standards prevent you from 04:38.838 --> 04:43.320 [SPEAKER_00]: Oh, oh, yeah, high standards prevent you from low quality experiences. 04:43.440 --> 04:44.781 [SPEAKER_00]: Yeah, I think that's the same. 04:45.421 --> 04:48.623 [SPEAKER_00]: You guys know me and my saying, so I always mess them up. 04:48.703 --> 04:52.064 [SPEAKER_00]: High standards prevent you from low quality experiences. 04:53.005 --> 04:57.767 [SPEAKER_00]: Summed up in a nutshell, that's basically what you get when you implement boundaries. 04:58.047 --> 04:59.908 [SPEAKER_00]: So you only have something to gain. 04:59.988 --> 05:06.692 [SPEAKER_00]: You have nothing to lose by implementing boundaries that serve you for the greater good. 05:07.820 --> 05:27.897 [SPEAKER_00]: for starters, boundaries directly boost your confidence and absolutely no one can say otherwise, setting healthy boundaries and implementing them will enhance and boost your self esteem, your self respect, your assertiveness, your assurance within yourself, 05:28.643 --> 05:37.046 [SPEAKER_00]: All of which leads to confidence boosting because it's the ability to put yourself first and to be secure in that. 05:37.487 --> 05:50.972 [SPEAKER_00]: A lot of people do not feel secure putting themselves first, but when you have these boundaries and when you implement them, you feel confident and secure in your right to say no. 05:51.645 --> 06:00.613 [SPEAKER_00]: You're right to prioritize your well-being, your mental health, your comfort, your sanity, whatever it is. 06:00.633 --> 06:12.123 [SPEAKER_00]: And some see this as if it's selfish, but I've always said selfishness when used for good is self care. 06:12.869 --> 06:26.458 [SPEAKER_00]: selfishness that is not derived from intentionally hurting someone or taking something away from someone is and has always been a form of self care because it has nothing to do with anybody else. 06:26.858 --> 06:33.883 [SPEAKER_00]: When you use selfishness for good, it has nothing to do with anybody in your orbit aside from yourself. 06:34.363 --> 06:36.444 [SPEAKER_00]: It is only about you. 06:36.845 --> 06:41.668 [SPEAKER_00]: It is about putting yourself first and that does not have to mean 06:42.853 --> 06:46.495 [SPEAKER_00]: hurting other people and taking away from other people. 06:46.575 --> 06:49.036 [SPEAKER_00]: So don't hear selfishness that way. 06:49.476 --> 06:52.578 [SPEAKER_00]: Yes, people could do bad things with selfishness. 06:52.618 --> 06:54.699 [SPEAKER_00]: People could do bad things with anything. 06:54.899 --> 06:58.081 [SPEAKER_00]: Okay, you could also do good things with that. 06:58.961 --> 07:02.723 [SPEAKER_00]: I have a podcast episode on that called selfishness is self care. 07:03.248 --> 07:17.727 [SPEAKER_00]: And I re-uploaded it for a flashback Friday and it's from October 18th, 2024 so I highly recommend checking that out after you listen to this episode because it's going to go hand in hand with what I say today and you will feel. 07:18.330 --> 07:19.552 [SPEAKER_00]: super aligned. 07:20.413 --> 07:29.385 [SPEAKER_00]: So now, for me, when it comes to boundaries, I don't believe I also have a podcast episode that's like self love is not a shield. 07:29.445 --> 07:35.053 [SPEAKER_00]: I can't think of the exact title, but something of that sort, like not using self love toxic. 07:35.433 --> 07:36.314 [SPEAKER_00]: in a toxic way. 07:37.936 --> 07:41.799 [SPEAKER_00]: But I do believe in protecting yourself in other ways. 07:42.320 --> 07:53.009 [SPEAKER_00]: Not in a way that's shielding you from the world where now you're scared of everything and you don't trust anybody and you're afraid to be vulnerable and you're afraid to take opportunities because you're afraid of being hurt. 07:53.510 --> 07:58.394 [SPEAKER_00]: So now you're just constantly putting up this shield this armor to protect yourself. 07:58.635 --> 07:58.855 [SPEAKER_00]: No. 07:59.295 --> 08:00.678 [SPEAKER_00]: I think that that's toxic. 08:01.079 --> 08:02.742 [SPEAKER_00]: I don't think that that's realistic. 08:02.963 --> 08:05.949 [SPEAKER_00]: I don't think that's mature or helpful for anyone. 08:07.002 --> 08:10.704 [SPEAKER_00]: To me, boundaries are not about putting walls up and shutting people out. 08:11.144 --> 08:17.027 [SPEAKER_00]: It's about protecting your peace because everyone deserves to have peace in their lives. 08:17.527 --> 08:26.432 [SPEAKER_00]: Like I said before about well-being, protecting your well-being and your sanity and your mental health, because why should you have to suffer when you don't need to? 08:27.272 --> 08:34.496 [SPEAKER_00]: You should not have to put yourself through constant suffering because you're afraid to implement boundaries 08:36.702 --> 08:41.655 [SPEAKER_00]: Happy, you're allowed to prioritize your peace and your well-being. 08:42.068 --> 08:47.532 [SPEAKER_00]: and the right people in your life will respect and understand that. 08:47.912 --> 08:53.616 [SPEAKER_00]: And they will not only respect and understand that for you, they will want that for themselves too. 08:53.976 --> 08:56.458 [SPEAKER_00]: They will see how you're shining. 08:56.478 --> 09:05.984 [SPEAKER_00]: They'll see your aura like I said, they'll see you thriving from putting yourself first and protecting your peace and they will want the same for themselves. 09:06.364 --> 09:10.227 [SPEAKER_00]: So if anything, you will only inspire others. 09:11.093 --> 09:11.993 [SPEAKER_00]: Think of it like this. 09:12.734 --> 09:15.675 [SPEAKER_00]: Boundaries aren't walls, they're doors. 09:16.676 --> 09:27.121 [SPEAKER_00]: People think that setting boundaries means, like I said, putting up walls, pushing people away, and in reality, that's not what boundaries are. 09:27.581 --> 09:34.385 [SPEAKER_00]: Boundaries are what allow safe and respectful and genuine connections to happen. 09:35.130 --> 09:37.611 [SPEAKER_00]: So boundaries are not walls. 09:37.831 --> 09:40.192 [SPEAKER_00]: They are doors to deeper connections. 09:40.872 --> 09:47.694 [SPEAKER_00]: Boundaries are protection that you get through clarity through a knowingness, through security. 09:48.394 --> 09:53.636 [SPEAKER_00]: Walls are protection through disconnection, through shutting people out. 09:54.116 --> 09:56.937 [SPEAKER_00]: Yes, when you have a wall up, you will be protected. 09:57.257 --> 10:00.478 [SPEAKER_00]: But that's because you don't let anyone or anything in. 10:00.778 --> 10:02.819 [SPEAKER_00]: So your protection is inevitable. 10:03.335 --> 10:05.356 [SPEAKER_00]: Because you deny, deny, deny, deny. 10:05.376 --> 10:07.837 [SPEAKER_00]: You don't accept anyone, you don't accept anything. 10:07.857 --> 10:09.858 [SPEAKER_00]: You're just constantly shutting people out. 10:10.658 --> 10:14.020 [SPEAKER_00]: Walls essentially say, I don't trust anyone. 10:14.720 --> 10:15.881 [SPEAKER_00]: I'm avoiding pain. 10:16.221 --> 10:19.963 [SPEAKER_00]: So that's why I have to deny everything and shut people out. 10:20.023 --> 10:21.263 [SPEAKER_00]: And I distance myself. 10:21.303 --> 10:22.804 [SPEAKER_00]: And I don't communicate. 10:23.344 --> 10:24.344 [SPEAKER_00]: I just avoid. 10:24.905 --> 10:27.666 [SPEAKER_00]: It's that avoidant personality. 10:27.706 --> 10:29.687 [SPEAKER_00]: I think that's like an attachment style. 10:30.572 --> 10:34.275 [SPEAKER_00]: Whereas boundaries say, I trust myself. 10:35.055 --> 10:40.059 [SPEAKER_00]: I'm not going to shut you out, but I will tell you how to love me and how to treat me. 10:40.079 --> 10:44.762 [SPEAKER_00]: I trust myself enough to communicate with you. 10:44.942 --> 10:50.566 [SPEAKER_00]: What my boundaries are, what my standards are, and not only communicate, but also just show it. 10:52.400 --> 11:06.385 [SPEAKER_00]: through my actions, not just through my words, and now because of that, you get to have clarity in that relationship or that friendship or the family dynamic, whoever it is that you're setting the boundary, you know, with. 11:07.126 --> 11:13.848 [SPEAKER_00]: So without the boundaries in place and a lack of communication, you're not going to have that clarity. 11:14.928 --> 11:18.950 [SPEAKER_00]: All you're doing is making room for resentment to build. 11:19.512 --> 11:37.648 [SPEAKER_00]: which leads to like I said, the avoidance pushing people away or it leads to fakeness because you've got to a point where you're not communicating you're not implementing the boundaries now this person doesn't know because they're not a mind reader so maybe they're constantly crossing your boundaries. 11:37.987 --> 12:03.582 [SPEAKER_00]: Maybe they're doing something to you that they are not even aware of that they are doing because you haven't made it clear and now because of that you can't stand this person anymore, but you have to be in each other's lives, you're not ending the friendship or you know it's a family member and you're you have no choice but to be in each other's lives, so you get to a point where you tolerate this person. 12:04.835 --> 12:06.435 [SPEAKER_00]: You don't even like them. 12:06.475 --> 12:07.936 [SPEAKER_00]: You just tolerate them. 12:08.016 --> 12:08.896 [SPEAKER_00]: You put up with them. 12:09.256 --> 12:21.520 [SPEAKER_00]: So now there's a lack of authenticity on your end, a lack of authenticity in the relationship, a distance and a coldness within that relationship, and that's not a healthy way to live. 12:22.000 --> 12:26.961 [SPEAKER_00]: You should not be comfortable living with any authenticity in your life. 12:27.341 --> 12:32.463 [SPEAKER_00]: You should not be comfortable having any faith friendships, friendships that have this weird, 12:33.040 --> 12:42.203 [SPEAKER_00]: Accredition, like I said, a coldness, a distance, you should not have relationships in your life that require walking on eggshells to survive. 12:43.983 --> 12:53.967 [SPEAKER_00]: Okay, if you feel like you have someone in your life right now that, you know, comes up for you like that's resonating for you like with this situation. 12:54.887 --> 12:58.068 [SPEAKER_00]: I would really take the time to figure out. 12:58.568 --> 13:11.717 [SPEAKER_00]: and practice your communication like figure out what you're going to say, how you're going to say what you're going to do about it because you cannot live with the burden of fakeness and inauthenticity. 13:11.977 --> 13:17.941 [SPEAKER_00]: That is not a way to live if you want to live freely and healthy. 13:19.142 --> 13:26.007 [SPEAKER_00]: That we don't want any toxicity in our lives because once we allow one bit of toxicity, 13:26.668 --> 13:31.511 [SPEAKER_00]: And it takes the rest of your life, your community, it's like mold. 13:31.951 --> 13:34.633 [SPEAKER_00]: I always like to give the example of like a bowl of fruit. 13:35.113 --> 13:38.135 [SPEAKER_00]: Say that there's like, you know, peaches, you know, in a bowl. 13:38.836 --> 13:41.938 [SPEAKER_00]: And the peach all the way to the left has mold on it. 13:42.418 --> 13:47.181 [SPEAKER_00]: And all the rest all the way up to the right, um, they're, they're good. 13:47.341 --> 13:49.483 [SPEAKER_00]: They're clean, they're fresh, whatever. 13:50.883 --> 13:54.866 [SPEAKER_00]: And you keep that peach with the mold in the bowl. 13:55.805 --> 13:57.466 [SPEAKER_00]: And then it touches the one next to it. 13:58.107 --> 13:59.308 [SPEAKER_00]: It's going to spread. 13:59.788 --> 14:08.535 [SPEAKER_00]: And then that mold will make it way through every peach and that bowl all the way to the one that was the furthest from the moldy one. 14:08.895 --> 14:10.557 [SPEAKER_00]: It was the healthiest peach you had. 14:10.577 --> 14:13.359 [SPEAKER_00]: And now it's just as toxic as the first one. 14:13.859 --> 14:15.581 [SPEAKER_00]: Just as moldy as the first one. 14:15.961 --> 14:22.466 [SPEAKER_00]: Because when you let any ounce of this toxicity in your life, it will taint. 14:23.020 --> 14:25.181 [SPEAKER_00]: every single thing around you. 14:25.341 --> 14:27.261 [SPEAKER_00]: And that is not a way to live. 14:27.981 --> 14:39.265 [SPEAKER_00]: Now, with communicated boundaries, you get to be authentic in your relationship, you get to be authentically close or authentically not close. 14:39.805 --> 14:46.547 [SPEAKER_00]: It doesn't matter, because either way, the trust will increase the emotional depth between you will increase. 14:46.967 --> 14:53.411 [SPEAKER_00]: The awareness will increase, like I said before, that person may not even know that they did something to you. 14:53.491 --> 14:57.393 [SPEAKER_00]: They may not even know that they're crossing a boundary because you did not communicate it. 14:57.774 --> 15:03.737 [SPEAKER_00]: So now there will be an awareness there, which leads to emotional safety, that will increase. 15:04.478 --> 15:13.183 [SPEAKER_00]: Emotional safety is extremely important, because safety is what allows more conversation and more communication and more vulnerability. 15:13.645 --> 15:20.290 [SPEAKER_00]: At that point, there are no games, no mind games, no guessing games, no guessing what's wrong, what did I do this time? 15:20.570 --> 15:23.412 [SPEAKER_00]: There's no lack of communication. 15:24.353 --> 15:26.654 [SPEAKER_00]: There's no walking on eggshells like I said. 15:26.734 --> 15:33.419 [SPEAKER_00]: It's just pure, open, emotional, safety and security to speak about the problem. 15:34.440 --> 15:37.762 [SPEAKER_00]: So like I said, boundaries are not walls. 15:38.102 --> 15:39.003 [SPEAKER_00]: They are doors. 15:39.702 --> 15:43.324 [SPEAKER_00]: Think of a house with no doors on it, okay? 15:44.225 --> 15:47.046 [SPEAKER_00]: Everyone can walk right in as they please. 15:48.067 --> 15:49.768 [SPEAKER_00]: There's no boundaries, there's no doors. 15:50.789 --> 15:57.513 [SPEAKER_00]: Open house, they can walk in on their own time, on their own time when they want, how they want, wherever they want, whatever. 15:58.433 --> 16:03.096 [SPEAKER_00]: When you put those doors in, when you implement those boundaries, 16:03.617 --> 16:10.122 [SPEAKER_00]: The right people are only welcomed in or invited in on your terms. 16:10.682 --> 16:13.004 [SPEAKER_00]: You have the right to shut the door. 16:13.645 --> 16:16.347 [SPEAKER_00]: You have the right to implement the boundary. 16:17.187 --> 16:20.550 [SPEAKER_00]: It's your house, just like it's your life. 16:21.430 --> 16:29.316 [SPEAKER_00]: So think of boundaries, like doors, and then think of a lack of boundaries as a house with no doors on them. 16:33.337 --> 16:53.184 [SPEAKER_00]: We've always known it's always been said but from me and everybody else everybody in their mother's always like you you show the way you love yourself shows people how to love you you teach people how to treat you so start teaching them something new from day one start showing them how to love you. 16:53.533 --> 17:03.679 [SPEAKER_00]: from day one, from that first date, set the tone off the bat, make a clear who you are, what you believe in, what your standards are. 17:04.519 --> 17:07.701 [SPEAKER_00]: And it's not always about speaking it. 17:08.422 --> 17:11.063 [SPEAKER_00]: It's about showing it, walk the walk. 17:11.283 --> 17:12.744 [SPEAKER_00]: Don't just talk the talk. 17:13.284 --> 17:17.647 [SPEAKER_00]: So no, from day one on that first date, you don't always have to dive right in. 17:18.047 --> 17:21.090 [SPEAKER_00]: and have this intense conversation if that's not your vibe. 17:21.110 --> 17:24.272 [SPEAKER_00]: You don't have to be like, hey, nice to meet you. 17:24.552 --> 17:37.382 [SPEAKER_00]: Here are my boundaries, here are my standards, here's what I believe in, but above all, like you don't always have to be that, like I said, intense off the bat, just simply align your actions with your vibe. 17:38.343 --> 17:39.043 [SPEAKER_00]: For example, 17:40.130 --> 17:54.260 [SPEAKER_00]: not texting back at midnight if that's not your vibe, saying no to last minute plans or casual hookups or situationships if you're looking for intentional commitment, not hooking up at all if you don't want to. 17:55.040 --> 18:02.665 [SPEAKER_00]: Even if you even if they're not looking for a situation ship and they're also looking for intentional commitment, but they you know try to make that move. 18:03.366 --> 18:04.286 [SPEAKER_00]: You still don't have to 18:05.592 --> 18:11.756 [SPEAKER_00]: denying going to their place if that feels like too much for you, not drinking alcohol on the date if you don't want to. 18:12.276 --> 18:23.384 [SPEAKER_00]: Anything just simply aligning your actions with the vibe, not always necessarily explaining or communicating it. 18:24.344 --> 18:28.267 [SPEAKER_00]: And what you have to do from then is observe the choices 18:33.410 --> 18:49.542 [SPEAKER_00]: Because this is very important for girls like me that it's out of your control because I know a lot of us want to be in that driver seat want to be in control you want to control the outcome you want to control how this thing goes. 18:51.132 --> 18:52.913 [SPEAKER_00]: But that's not what boundaries are. 18:53.493 --> 18:55.093 [SPEAKER_00]: You can only do your part. 18:55.573 --> 18:57.494 [SPEAKER_00]: And then it's on them to do their part. 18:57.934 --> 18:59.715 [SPEAKER_00]: Boundaries are not about control. 18:59.955 --> 19:02.416 [SPEAKER_00]: They're about, like I said before, clarity. 19:03.196 --> 19:10.639 [SPEAKER_00]: So you can only implement the boundary and they can only show you how they're going to respond to it. 19:11.059 --> 19:17.561 [SPEAKER_00]: Boundaries are simply there to define what's okay and what's not okay for you. 19:21.857 --> 19:28.362 [SPEAKER_00]: Now, with this, someone who has emotional maturity, their green flags will go off. 19:29.042 --> 19:32.224 [SPEAKER_00]: You'll be seeing them doing the right thing. 19:32.565 --> 19:37.568 [SPEAKER_00]: You'll be able to see that this person is compatible with you and aligned with you. 19:37.628 --> 19:39.469 [SPEAKER_00]: Maybe you'll start to get excited about that. 19:39.510 --> 19:50.097 [SPEAKER_00]: Maybe they will really treat you with the utmost respect when someone respects your know, you will feel so powerful, so hot. 19:50.675 --> 19:52.256 [SPEAKER_00]: so optimistic about dating. 19:52.336 --> 19:57.220 [SPEAKER_00]: It'll change the entire trajectory of dating. 19:57.260 --> 19:59.822 [SPEAKER_00]: Like you'll just be like, oh, dating's not that bad. 20:00.162 --> 20:01.643 [SPEAKER_00]: Dating doesn't have to be painful. 20:01.963 --> 20:03.304 [SPEAKER_00]: Dating doesn't have to be hard. 20:03.565 --> 20:04.325 [SPEAKER_00]: It could be hot. 20:04.385 --> 20:05.166 [SPEAKER_00]: It could be sexy. 20:05.206 --> 20:05.966 [SPEAKER_00]: It could be great. 20:06.246 --> 20:08.208 [SPEAKER_00]: And you'll feel so confident in that. 20:08.248 --> 20:09.389 [SPEAKER_00]: It'll feel so nice. 20:09.909 --> 20:22.814 [SPEAKER_00]: as well to connect with someone who is emotionally intelligent and mature and matching your energy and understanding of your morals and standards and ultimately your boundaries. 20:23.874 --> 20:26.535 [SPEAKER_00]: I then on the other end, someone who lacks that. 20:28.276 --> 20:33.838 [SPEAKER_00]: Same way that I just said, you'll see those green flags, nice and bright, you'll see those red flags, 20:34.359 --> 20:35.900 [SPEAKER_00]: honestly even brighter. 20:36.721 --> 20:55.395 [SPEAKER_00]: And you might actually notice the red flag and someone before they even fully revealed themselves to you because it may be in their character and in their demeanor and it may be causing some like you to think a certain way. 20:55.736 --> 20:58.318 [SPEAKER_00]: Like for example, if you're afraid 21:00.586 --> 21:03.947 [SPEAKER_00]: because you think they might leave if you do. 21:04.808 --> 21:05.908 [SPEAKER_00]: What does that tell you? 21:07.209 --> 21:12.851 [SPEAKER_00]: So it may not even be a circumstance where you set the boundary and they disrespect it. 21:13.311 --> 21:19.914 [SPEAKER_00]: It may be the fact that you don't feel comfortable setting the boundary with this person at all because you are afraid that you'll lose them. 21:20.855 --> 21:25.817 [SPEAKER_00]: So that tells you that this person does not provide 21:26.782 --> 21:29.543 [SPEAKER_00]: emotional safety and emotional security. 21:30.203 --> 21:39.605 [SPEAKER_00]: So, you're already feeling like not putting yourself and your needs first for this person. 21:39.945 --> 21:49.087 [SPEAKER_00]: If you feel like it's the better option for you to avoid your boundaries so that you could avoid losing this person, what does that tell you? 21:49.987 --> 21:53.788 [SPEAKER_00]: For starters, it should certainly tell you that this is not your person at all. 21:54.259 --> 22:21.500 [SPEAKER_00]: Because how are you going to walk on egg shells in an in a relationship where things come up that you need or that you don't like and you just don't tell them because you're like, I don't want to break up if I tell them so let me let me just let me avoid a fight altogether and just keep it to myself and then you just suffer in silence like I said before why should you suffer why do you deserve to suffer you don't so if you're in that dynamic where you're avoiding. 22:22.483 --> 22:34.334 [SPEAKER_00]: And by mudding the boundaries because you're afraid of losing that person, catch yourself there and ask yourself, but do I even want someone who only stays if I abandon myself? 22:35.234 --> 22:39.618 [SPEAKER_00]: Do I want someone who would abandon me for saying true to myself? 22:40.459 --> 22:42.060 [SPEAKER_00]: No, you don't. 22:42.941 --> 22:43.642 [SPEAKER_00]: Think of 22:44.794 --> 22:49.575 [SPEAKER_00]: saying no to things as making space for a more aligned yes. 22:50.215 --> 22:58.617 [SPEAKER_00]: So if you do lose someone by putting yourself first, all you're doing is making space in your life. 22:59.478 --> 23:13.421 [SPEAKER_00]: So every time you say no and it results in someone not understanding and someone walking away and whatever the case is, all you just did there is make space in your life for what better serves you. 23:13.848 --> 23:15.709 [SPEAKER_00]: That's another podcast episode that I have. 23:16.210 --> 23:18.951 [SPEAKER_00]: Make space to attract everything you want. 23:19.372 --> 23:24.956 [SPEAKER_00]: This was also re-uploaded as a flashback Friday episode from October 4th, 2024. 23:25.916 --> 23:30.259 [SPEAKER_00]: And again, it's such a good one to listen to. 23:30.579 --> 23:34.082 [SPEAKER_00]: After you listen to this episode, that's a good one to listen to as well. 23:34.402 --> 23:36.363 [SPEAKER_00]: Also really aligned with this topic. 23:36.683 --> 23:41.447 [SPEAKER_00]: So write those titles down at the podcast episodes that I mentioned, both flashback Friday, 23:43.959 --> 23:47.761 [SPEAKER_00]: selfishness is self-care and makes space to attract everything you want. 23:48.502 --> 23:55.686 [SPEAKER_00]: So again, every time that you say no, you're simply making room for the yes. 23:56.386 --> 23:59.528 [SPEAKER_00]: The more alignment your life will have, okay? 23:59.928 --> 24:01.990 [SPEAKER_00]: Write down this affirmation as well. 24:02.630 --> 24:07.773 [SPEAKER_00]: The more I honor myself, the more aligned my life becomes. 24:08.405 --> 24:10.950 [SPEAKER_00]: and constantly remind yourself of that, okay? 24:11.331 --> 24:15.499 [SPEAKER_00]: The more I honor myself, the more aligned my life becomes. 24:16.710 --> 24:40.195 [SPEAKER_00]: and do not forget that and I also I think in general with dating like there's just so much peace of mind that you get to have in dating by having strict boundaries and I'm talking super strict boundaries, not boundaries in moderation, not boundaries that you waver on and that you just like go back and forth and that you pick and choose when you're going to apply them. 24:40.642 --> 24:46.344 [SPEAKER_00]: No, I'm talking boundaries for everyone, no matter how much you like a guy. 24:46.784 --> 24:53.106 [SPEAKER_00]: So I shared in the past when I was single and dating that I was celibate during dating. 24:53.446 --> 25:01.028 [SPEAKER_00]: And I cannot express enough how much better it may me feel in dating, knowing that sex was not on the table. 25:01.728 --> 25:16.558 [SPEAKER_00]: It was a set no, a hard no, no matter how much I liked someone, no matter how cute someone was, no matter how much the chemistry was off the charts, I was not willing to break my commitment with myself or anybody. 25:16.938 --> 25:19.320 [SPEAKER_00]: It was my number one boundary. 25:20.000 --> 25:23.503 [SPEAKER_00]: And there would be guys who would invite me over that I liked. 25:24.531 --> 25:27.873 [SPEAKER_00]: And it was still a hard note, super hard past. 25:28.153 --> 25:34.276 [SPEAKER_00]: And it would honestly disappoint me, because I was like, damn, now I gotta cut this guy off because we're just not aligned. 25:34.597 --> 25:35.697 [SPEAKER_00]: We're not compatible. 25:35.997 --> 25:37.338 [SPEAKER_00]: We're not on the same page. 25:37.358 --> 25:43.862 [SPEAKER_00]: Like, I don't wanna be with a guy who I met once and then he would invite me back to his house after. 25:44.042 --> 25:47.063 [SPEAKER_00]: Like, that wasn't what I was looking for. 25:47.163 --> 25:52.066 [SPEAKER_00]: So it was like, no matter how much I wanted that guy to be the guy, he couldn't be. 25:54.268 --> 25:55.290 [SPEAKER_00]: whatever the case was. 25:55.470 --> 25:58.715 [SPEAKER_00]: And it's not to say that anyone ever like disrespecting my boundaries. 25:58.755 --> 26:02.821 [SPEAKER_00]: I wasn't like ever having someone put up a fight and be like, no, you have to come over. 26:03.261 --> 26:03.482 [SPEAKER_00]: But... 26:04.965 --> 26:10.911 [SPEAKER_00]: I honestly saw it as a way of them even making the option was just that we were not compatible. 26:11.191 --> 26:16.315 [SPEAKER_00]: And it wasn't like I was only gonna date a guy who was also celibate because I know guys are different. 26:16.356 --> 26:17.316 [SPEAKER_00]: And I was different. 26:17.336 --> 26:24.343 [SPEAKER_00]: Like I wasn't expecting celibacy in a guy, but I was expecting you know a guy with a little more self respect, you know. 26:24.523 --> 26:24.903 [SPEAKER_00]: And so, 26:25.884 --> 26:48.140 [SPEAKER_00]: I didn't make excuses for anybody, no matter what, so it was just a hard note and it was so much easier to have that full strict boundary with no exceptions than it would be to teeter on the line, make exceptions do it in moderation because then you're constantly thinking about when do I implement this? 26:48.220 --> 26:49.621 [SPEAKER_00]: When do I not implement this? 26:49.942 --> 26:51.683 [SPEAKER_00]: Who do I make the exception for? 26:52.143 --> 26:52.904 [SPEAKER_00]: Who do I not make 26:54.585 --> 26:58.966 [SPEAKER_00]: Maybe I'm feeling a little buzz tonight and I'm like, you know what, maybe I should let loose. 26:59.346 --> 26:59.606 [SPEAKER_00]: No. 27:00.126 --> 27:02.947 [SPEAKER_00]: There's no peace of mind that comes with that. 27:03.907 --> 27:11.649 [SPEAKER_00]: If you're like picking and choosing when or when not to, you know, and you're like, oh, you know what, I feel a good tonight. 27:11.709 --> 27:14.490 [SPEAKER_00]: So I'm going to completely break this commitment to myself. 27:14.970 --> 27:22.832 [SPEAKER_00]: That to me is super stressful and the easier thing was just to make it the same rule for everybody, you know. 27:24.103 --> 27:29.250 [SPEAKER_00]: no sex, nothing unless we're in a relationship, unless there's commitment there. 27:30.171 --> 27:35.138 [SPEAKER_00]: You collect me all you want, and I collect you all I want, but without the commitment, that's not happening. 27:35.919 --> 27:38.402 [SPEAKER_00]: And having that really, 27:39.305 --> 27:41.867 [SPEAKER_00]: brings you so much peace of mind, at least it did for me. 27:42.167 --> 27:49.031 [SPEAKER_00]: So all I had to do was prioritize my self-respect, point blank, and I was constantly at peace when dating. 27:49.452 --> 27:58.238 [SPEAKER_00]: I was constantly confident in dating because of it, because my self-respect came first, before any feelings for anybody. 27:59.098 --> 28:00.339 [SPEAKER_00]: and that's what boundaries are. 28:00.760 --> 28:03.682 [SPEAKER_00]: Boundaries are simply self-respect in action. 28:04.063 --> 28:09.728 [SPEAKER_00]: So as you're seeing yourself implement those boundaries, that's your self-respect being put into action. 28:10.128 --> 28:18.355 [SPEAKER_00]: There is so much power in self-respect and so much confidence that is built as a by-product. 28:18.976 --> 28:20.097 [SPEAKER_00]: Oh, that's self-respect. 28:20.467 --> 28:25.550 [SPEAKER_00]: You'll feel more comfortable saying no without overexplaning and constantly apologizing. 28:25.950 --> 28:28.691 [SPEAKER_00]: We're always out here apologizing when we're not even sorry. 28:29.152 --> 28:31.012 [SPEAKER_00]: And we do that because we feel bad. 28:31.373 --> 28:32.333 [SPEAKER_00]: We feel mean. 28:32.733 --> 28:35.875 [SPEAKER_00]: You are not mean for having needs and standards. 28:36.255 --> 28:40.878 [SPEAKER_00]: You do not need to overexplain yourself and to justify your no. 28:41.458 --> 28:45.160 [SPEAKER_00]: You do not need to apologize for your needs and your standards. 28:45.720 --> 28:48.184 [SPEAKER_00]: So replace the I'm so sorry. 28:48.284 --> 28:55.334 [SPEAKER_00]: I just think that I'm so sorry, but with thanks for the invite, but I won't be able to make it. 28:56.695 --> 28:58.278 [SPEAKER_00]: That just doesn't work for me right now. 28:59.653 --> 29:02.115 [SPEAKER_00]: I'm not available for that, but thank you anyway. 29:02.816 --> 29:17.828 [SPEAKER_00]: So stop saying, I'm sorry, but I'm sorry, but I just think at that point, your I'm sorry is so phony and inauthentic that no one even wants to hear it, because you don't say, but after I'm sorry. 29:19.048 --> 29:23.112 [SPEAKER_00]: So I'm sorry is a genuine sentence and 29:24.409 --> 29:26.010 [SPEAKER_00]: It should be meant when it's said. 29:26.450 --> 29:33.614 [SPEAKER_00]: So save your sorrows for when you actually mean it, and when you actually need to apologize for wrongdoing. 29:34.255 --> 29:39.578 [SPEAKER_00]: So if you find yourself doing the whole like, I'm so sorry, but I'm so sorry, but I think just save it. 29:40.525 --> 29:41.626 [SPEAKER_00]: it's not necessary. 29:42.266 --> 29:44.028 [SPEAKER_00]: No, I can't come. 29:44.248 --> 29:44.868 [SPEAKER_00]: I won't come. 29:45.008 --> 29:46.009 [SPEAKER_00]: I won't be able to make it. 29:46.189 --> 29:47.130 [SPEAKER_00]: Thanks anyway. 29:47.410 --> 29:49.892 [SPEAKER_00]: Whatever the case is, be direct. 29:50.492 --> 29:51.793 [SPEAKER_00]: And yes, it will be hard. 29:52.614 --> 29:53.914 [SPEAKER_00]: I am not going to deny that. 29:54.275 --> 29:55.756 [SPEAKER_00]: Boundaries are a journey. 29:56.196 --> 29:58.177 [SPEAKER_00]: So you will fumble along the way. 29:58.218 --> 29:59.438 [SPEAKER_00]: You're allowed to fumble. 29:59.478 --> 30:00.719 [SPEAKER_00]: You're allowed to practice. 30:00.739 --> 30:03.641 [SPEAKER_00]: You're allowed to take messy action. 30:04.222 --> 30:05.743 [SPEAKER_00]: What do I always say? 30:10.467 --> 30:14.368 [SPEAKER_00]: make the take the action and mess up along the way. 30:14.968 --> 30:17.469 [SPEAKER_00]: Confidence will come after that. 30:17.929 --> 30:24.071 [SPEAKER_00]: You're not going to listen to this episode, flip a switch, turn on boundaries and be perfect at it. 30:25.131 --> 30:34.614 [SPEAKER_00]: No, it's hard to say no sometimes, but just know that you don't need to be perfect to deserve respect and to deserve your needs. 30:34.934 --> 30:36.895 [SPEAKER_00]: Met, you don't need to be perfect. 30:37.961 --> 30:44.385 [SPEAKER_00]: just to have simple human decency when people say, okay, I get where you're coming from, that's fine. 30:44.905 --> 30:47.247 [SPEAKER_00]: You can get your point across little by little. 30:47.727 --> 30:49.108 [SPEAKER_00]: It's not about perfection. 30:50.129 --> 30:54.331 [SPEAKER_00]: Like I said, as well, my biggest saying as confidence is a byproduct of action. 30:54.712 --> 30:58.374 [SPEAKER_00]: You don't get confident and then take action, you take action and then you would confidence. 30:58.394 --> 31:01.876 [SPEAKER_00]: So no, confidence doesn't always come first. 31:02.056 --> 31:05.919 [SPEAKER_00]: It hardly ever does, but confidence will build. 31:06.879 --> 31:21.357 [SPEAKER_00]: as it follows hard conversations, lots of practice, implementing the boundaries little by little, expressing your needs little by little, taking the messy action, just keep at it, and you will be so much more assertive. 31:22.098 --> 31:28.504 [SPEAKER_00]: the more you follow through, the more self trust you will build and you will be able to assert yourself. 31:28.584 --> 31:38.552 [SPEAKER_00]: You will be able to brush things off and laugh things off and you will be able to check guys off your roster easily because you're like, oh, we're so not aligned, okay? 31:39.753 --> 31:40.514 [SPEAKER_00]: It'll happen. 31:41.414 --> 31:50.082 [SPEAKER_00]: The shift will come and the shift that I that I really felt and what I'm referring to is when you can shift from asking 31:51.333 --> 31:52.595 [SPEAKER_00]: Will they still like me? 31:53.516 --> 31:57.721 [SPEAKER_00]: Two, will I still like me if I agree to this? 31:58.903 --> 32:00.785 [SPEAKER_00]: Does it matter if they'll still like you? 32:01.166 --> 32:07.654 [SPEAKER_00]: If they don't like you, after you implement a boundary, fuck them, fuck them. 32:08.802 --> 32:10.802 [SPEAKER_00]: It's about if you still like you. 32:11.223 --> 32:24.385 [SPEAKER_00]: It's putting your feelings for yourself before theirs because no relationship you will ever have in your entire life will ever be more important than the relationship you have with yourself. 32:25.246 --> 32:35.648 [SPEAKER_00]: Not your marriage, not your kids, nobody because the way that you love yourself shows others how to love you, the way that you respect yourself shows others how to respect you. 32:36.488 --> 32:42.790 [SPEAKER_00]: Including your children, because I know once I say that people like, no, your kids comfort, okay, that's not what I'm saying here. 32:43.291 --> 32:55.275 [SPEAKER_00]: First of all, your kids will live a better life when they have a happier parent, when their mother loves themselves, when their mother feels good on a daily basis, your kids will be happy seeing you happy. 32:56.117 --> 33:00.701 [SPEAKER_00]: Your kids will feel better knowing that you are in a good place. 33:00.801 --> 33:05.705 [SPEAKER_00]: Knowing that their mother is safe and secure and happy and confident and a badass. 33:05.845 --> 33:06.165 [SPEAKER_00]: Okay. 33:07.088 --> 33:11.289 [SPEAKER_00]: We've always known that saying we accept the love that we think we deserve. 33:11.349 --> 33:13.369 [SPEAKER_00]: I'm pretty sure it was like a mech and fox tattoo. 33:13.630 --> 33:23.672 [SPEAKER_00]: Unless it was fake and Photoshop, I just remember like back in the day seeing a picture mech and fox with that like tattooed on her and we all used to always say that without even really understanding what it means. 33:24.232 --> 33:28.593 [SPEAKER_00]: But let me say it again, we accept the love we think we deserve. 33:29.232 --> 33:41.021 [SPEAKER_00]: And that is why it's so important to love yourself and prioritize your relationship with yourself because that very thing determines the relationships you accept in your lifetime. 33:41.601 --> 33:51.348 [SPEAKER_00]: So when you stop tolerating disrespect, bread coming, overgiving, overexplaining yourself, you send yourself a clear message. 33:52.509 --> 33:53.590 [SPEAKER_00]: I'm worthy of more. 33:54.951 --> 33:57.373 [SPEAKER_00]: And I'm gonna stand on that and I'm gonna act on that. 33:58.404 --> 34:19.034 [SPEAKER_00]: Nothing affirms and validates your needs more than finally raising your standards, breaking yourself free of all the shit that you thought you had to settle for, putting your yeses and nose out into the world and receiving back exactly what you want and need. 34:19.854 --> 34:23.836 [SPEAKER_00]: Nothing will validate you and affirm you more than that. 34:24.337 --> 34:27.258 [SPEAKER_00]: More than putting the action out there 34:28.072 --> 34:31.514 [SPEAKER_00]: respecting yourself and implementing the boundaries. 34:32.115 --> 34:34.136 [SPEAKER_00]: People will probably exit your life. 34:34.797 --> 34:39.840 [SPEAKER_00]: But again, all you're doing is making space for what better suits you. 34:40.000 --> 34:45.924 [SPEAKER_00]: For every know that goes out, you're making space for a yes to come in. 34:47.005 --> 34:49.367 [SPEAKER_00]: And that to me is very hot. 34:49.867 --> 34:54.350 [SPEAKER_00]: I think boundaries are the sexiest thing that we can possibly implement. 34:54.900 --> 34:56.825 [SPEAKER_00]: And that is all that we have for today girls. 34:56.845 --> 35:00.514 [SPEAKER_00]: Thank you so much for listening until next time, girls.