WEBVTT 00:00.351 --> 00:03.553 [SPEAKER_00]: If you've ever said, my picker is broken. 00:03.853 --> 00:04.714 [SPEAKER_00]: You're in the right place. 00:05.674 --> 00:09.116 [SPEAKER_00]: First off, you need to know that your picker isn't broken. 00:09.236 --> 00:12.578 [SPEAKER_00]: It's working exactly the way it was trained to work. 00:12.738 --> 00:15.459 [SPEAKER_00]: The problem is what it was trained on. 00:15.580 --> 00:17.901 [SPEAKER_00]: And that's actually something you can change. 00:18.541 --> 00:28.307 [SPEAKER_00]: In this episode, I'm going to walk you through the three psychological mechanisms that explain why you keep ending up in the same painful patterns. 00:29.307 --> 00:39.202 [SPEAKER_00]: why that person who seemed so amazing kept disappointing you and what you can do really concretely to choose differently starting today. 00:39.663 --> 00:43.668 [SPEAKER_00]: You're going to get the reframe and then as always you're going to get the tools. 00:43.688 --> 00:44.570 [SPEAKER_00]: So stay tuned. 00:46.689 --> 01:00.697 [SPEAKER_00]: Welcome to the Relationships Made Easy Podcast, where I give you the exact steps to create connection, joy, and ease, and all your relationships, whether it's with your partner, your family, your friends, or most importantly yourself. 01:01.377 --> 01:08.341 [SPEAKER_00]: I'm Dr. Abby Medkath, psychologist, bestselling author, TEDx, speaker, and the bossy Jewish mom you didn't know you needed. 01:09.021 --> 01:18.844 [SPEAKER_00]: Each week you'll get no nonsense, research back strategies, serve with humor and love, so you can stop second-guessing yourself and start having the relationships you deserve. 01:19.524 --> 01:25.465 [SPEAKER_00]: You'll always leave knowing exactly what to say and do to shift your relationships for the better. 01:25.965 --> 01:26.826 [SPEAKER_00]: So let's get to it. 01:30.286 --> 01:32.587 [SPEAKER_00]: Welcome back to Relationship Made Easy. 01:32.627 --> 01:35.228 [SPEAKER_00]: We are closing in on the end of season 8. 01:36.703 --> 01:39.385 [SPEAKER_00]: I cannot believe how long I've been doing this week. 01:39.545 --> 01:43.747 [SPEAKER_00]: That's, thank you for some of you have been with me since the beginning, it's unbelievable. 01:44.128 --> 01:49.071 [SPEAKER_00]: And I know some of you came in later and like binge, you know, 300 episodes plus whatever we're at now. 01:49.111 --> 01:50.772 [SPEAKER_00]: God, we're at like, 380 something. 01:50.872 --> 01:51.452 [SPEAKER_00]: I don't even know. 01:53.013 --> 01:54.194 [SPEAKER_00]: So, thank you for being here. 01:54.674 --> 01:58.557 [SPEAKER_00]: And oh, this one's been asked for for so long. 01:59.217 --> 02:02.079 [SPEAKER_00]: I don't know what's taking me so long to do it, so, but here we are. 02:02.938 --> 02:04.919 [SPEAKER_00]: So why is it my picker working? 02:05.300 --> 02:08.622 [SPEAKER_00]: I knew, I get this all the time. 02:08.962 --> 02:14.425 [SPEAKER_00]: And you're your picker, I'm using that term because here in America, we use that term. 02:14.465 --> 02:20.609 [SPEAKER_00]: I don't know, in other countries, what you say, but the mechanism where you pick someone to be with. 02:21.570 --> 02:24.752 [SPEAKER_00]: Your picker isn't broken, but it is biased. 02:24.992 --> 02:26.393 [SPEAKER_00]: And that bias, 02:28.243 --> 02:30.705 [SPEAKER_00]: was installed a really long time ago. 02:31.005 --> 02:36.470 [SPEAKER_00]: And there are three interlocking psychological mechanisms. 02:38.081 --> 02:48.207 [SPEAKER_00]: that really explain why smart, self-aware people, I see you keep landing in the same kinds of relationships. 02:48.308 --> 02:56.653 [SPEAKER_00]: And once you understand all three, all three, the pattern stops feeling like a personal failure and starts making complete sense. 02:56.753 --> 03:07.320 [SPEAKER_00]: So I know some of you want to go, well tell me what to do Abby, just flip to that, the problem, again, I say it all the time is when you don't understand the why, you won't do the what? 03:09.407 --> 03:11.828 [SPEAKER_00]: you won't value it, you won't realize how important it is. 03:12.048 --> 03:18.509 [SPEAKER_00]: So you'll make your own decisions about whether, you know, whatever action steps I give you, but like, it's not very important or I don't know why she threw that in there. 03:18.949 --> 03:22.870 [SPEAKER_00]: You need to know why I'm including the things I include, because I always base it on the research. 03:23.550 --> 03:25.671 [SPEAKER_00]: So anyway, so let's get to those three. 03:25.691 --> 03:28.492 [SPEAKER_00]: So the first one is something called Amazzo or Amago. 03:30.272 --> 03:33.274 [SPEAKER_00]: or imma go, I've heard it pronounced many ways. 03:33.374 --> 03:35.315 [SPEAKER_00]: It's I, M, A, G, O. 03:36.076 --> 03:40.559 [SPEAKER_00]: And this was created, this was first, I guess, identified what other words are. 03:40.639 --> 03:48.564 [SPEAKER_00]: By, there was a psychotherapist, horrible Hendricks and Helen Lake Le Kelly Hunt. 03:49.584 --> 03:55.787 [SPEAKER_00]: um, they created their Bay First Point, um, Imaggio Thierrier, Imago Thierry. 03:56.468 --> 04:01.150 [SPEAKER_00]: And this word Imago Imaggio is Latin for image. 04:01.570 --> 04:12.376 [SPEAKER_00]: That's what, and, and in this context, it refers to the unconscious, uh, composite image, your brain built in childhood. 04:14.157 --> 04:26.303 [SPEAKER_00]: of the people who raise you, their traits, their moods, their patterns of how they get close, their patterns of withdrawal, their warmth, their edges, all of it. 04:26.363 --> 04:35.668 [SPEAKER_00]: Your nervous system absorbed all of it and stored it as a template for what love looks and feels like. 04:36.368 --> 04:37.429 [SPEAKER_00]: So as an adult, 04:43.692 --> 04:45.653 [SPEAKER_00]: for a match to that template. 04:45.754 --> 04:48.916 [SPEAKER_00]: And when you find a close enough match, it's like something lights up. 04:49.016 --> 04:50.777 [SPEAKER_00]: It feels like chemistry. 04:50.897 --> 04:51.718 [SPEAKER_00]: I know what does. 04:52.298 --> 04:54.320 [SPEAKER_00]: It feels like recognition. 04:54.800 --> 04:56.641 [SPEAKER_00]: It feels like, oh, this is my person. 04:56.661 --> 04:58.002 [SPEAKER_00]: I've never felt this way before. 04:58.062 --> 05:00.904 [SPEAKER_00]: I have all this, or maybe I have, but this is different. 05:00.944 --> 05:04.527 [SPEAKER_00]: And all that stuff takes over, all that chemistry kicks over. 05:04.987 --> 05:10.091 [SPEAKER_00]: And the catch is that most of us, I say would love, had imperfect caregivers. 05:11.612 --> 05:27.293 [SPEAKER_00]: which means our image, our emigo, our emigo, however you want to say that, is built at least partly around imperfection, around inconsistency, emotional unavailability. 05:28.054 --> 05:29.375 [SPEAKER_00]: Or I think, 05:30.709 --> 05:34.451 [SPEAKER_00]: a lot around this sort of hunger to be truly seen and accepted. 05:34.871 --> 05:44.337 [SPEAKER_00]: So the person who makes your heart race in the beginning, they often match the unresolved parts of your early template. 05:44.637 --> 05:46.738 [SPEAKER_00]: So not just the good parts, that's the problem. 05:47.138 --> 05:49.280 [SPEAKER_00]: I've seen this dynamic show up. 05:50.280 --> 05:56.245 [SPEAKER_00]: In just about every client who comes to me, I'm going to say every, but I know I'm not supposed to do. 05:56.806 --> 06:01.630 [SPEAKER_00]: Every client who comes to me saying their picker is broken, right away, I can go out. 06:01.770 --> 06:03.192 [SPEAKER_00]: I'll tell you exactly where that comes from. 06:04.212 --> 06:05.353 [SPEAKER_00]: And they often fight me on it. 06:05.414 --> 06:07.175 [SPEAKER_00]: No, my parents with this way know they're that way. 06:07.275 --> 06:07.616 [SPEAKER_00]: It's like, 06:08.356 --> 06:30.347 [SPEAKER_00]: What you consciously think about your folks or think that you've understood about them is different than what your childhood nervous system absorbed about their unavailability or their maybe they were mean or distant or too warm and too enmeshed or you know whatever it was, you're in a little nervous system absorbed that okay. 06:30.827 --> 06:35.197 [SPEAKER_00]: And so you might not think of it sort of logically in the same way, I guess I just want to say that. 06:35.357 --> 06:40.990 [SPEAKER_00]: As adults we think very differently than we did as kids and people don't seem to realize that when they're talking to me. 06:42.738 --> 06:45.079 [SPEAKER_00]: Two is repetition compulsion. 06:45.119 --> 06:46.360 [SPEAKER_00]: That's the second mechanism. 06:47.220 --> 06:47.960 [SPEAKER_00]: That's what we call it. 06:47.980 --> 06:49.541 [SPEAKER_00]: We call it repetition compulsion. 06:49.621 --> 07:00.225 [SPEAKER_00]: It's basically a concept that it really goes back to Freud segment Freud, but it's it's definitely been really updated through modern attachment science. 07:00.265 --> 07:01.806 [SPEAKER_00]: So I know it's an old one, but it's a good eat. 07:01.986 --> 07:11.872 [SPEAKER_00]: And the basic idea is that your psyche is wired to recreate familiar emotional dynamics. 07:12.172 --> 07:12.773 [SPEAKER_00]: It just is. 07:12.993 --> 07:15.655 [SPEAKER_00]: It's not a masochistic, it's not out of masochism. 07:16.315 --> 07:22.339 [SPEAKER_00]: It's out of this unconscious drive to master what was once overwhelming. 07:22.719 --> 07:43.644 [SPEAKER_00]: So if you grew up, for example, having to work hard to earn love or navigating someone who's unpredictable or maybe you were caretaking a parent who needed you, I some of you, I know your parents treated you like friends and told you things about their marriage and all kinds of stuff that was inappropriate, your nervous system learned that this is what love requires. 07:44.344 --> 07:45.804 [SPEAKER_00]: You're not seeking pain. 07:46.365 --> 07:49.545 [SPEAKER_00]: It's like you're seeking the chance to finally get a different ending. 07:53.587 --> 07:59.752 [SPEAKER_00]: kind of the same type of character in that leading role, and that gets you in a lot of trouble. 08:00.913 --> 08:04.696 [SPEAKER_00]: And then the third is something called self verification theory. 08:04.736 --> 08:06.157 [SPEAKER_00]: That's the third mechanism. 08:06.417 --> 08:14.103 [SPEAKER_00]: And psychologist William Swan was the first one who identified self verification theory. 08:14.143 --> 08:17.766 [SPEAKER_00]: And his research shows that people don't just seek partners 08:19.134 --> 08:25.030 [SPEAKER_00]: who make them feel good, they seek partners who confirm their existing beliefs about themselves. 08:26.591 --> 08:31.535 [SPEAKER_00]: I'm gonna say that again, that's what you're looking for, someone who confirms your belief about yourself. 08:31.775 --> 08:34.097 [SPEAKER_00]: And here's where it gets even more uncomfortable. 08:34.157 --> 08:34.637 [SPEAKER_00]: Thank you. 08:35.178 --> 08:49.549 [SPEAKER_00]: If somewhere underneath the surface, you believe you're on worthy of real love, that you're too needy, or that you're destined to be let down, you will unconsciously filter out. 08:51.093 --> 08:58.059 [SPEAKER_00]: Or actually, you were filter in, you will filter for partners who confirmed that belief because you're going to, and you're going to filter out all the good ones. 08:59.000 --> 09:09.290 [SPEAKER_00]: So, and, and Swan has a lot of research and his studies found that people with a negative self view, even if you don't think you have it, it look underneath. 09:09.990 --> 09:16.816 [SPEAKER_00]: Were more committed to and stayed longer in relationships with partners who treated them poorly. 09:17.827 --> 09:21.310 [SPEAKER_00]: Yes, because it's so that's to me diagnostic. 09:21.370 --> 09:27.316 [SPEAKER_00]: If you're with a partner who treats you poorly, and you've stayed in that longer than you should, you got low self-esteem, my friend. 09:27.336 --> 09:29.778 [SPEAKER_00]: I, again, so much love in my heart, as I say this to you. 09:29.898 --> 09:33.201 [SPEAKER_00]: But you got to get real and I'm here to help you get real. 09:33.561 --> 09:34.883 [SPEAKER_00]: You might think, no, I don't. 09:34.983 --> 09:35.563 [SPEAKER_00]: I get it. 09:35.603 --> 09:36.464 [SPEAKER_00]: I've been to therapy. 09:36.564 --> 09:37.945 [SPEAKER_00]: Well, something's not fixed. 09:38.666 --> 09:40.168 [SPEAKER_00]: because that's what's attracting that. 09:40.188 --> 09:45.853 [SPEAKER_00]: Because those partners, you're with them because they felt more true, more real, more like what you expected. 09:45.873 --> 09:51.078 [SPEAKER_00]: A genuinely kind, available, consistent person, 09:52.637 --> 10:01.021 [SPEAKER_00]: can we'll feel like suspicious, eerie weird if it doesn't match your internal model of what you deserve. 10:01.081 --> 10:07.524 [SPEAKER_00]: And I know, because I've had you in my office and you say things to me, you'll be describing some fabulous person. 10:07.584 --> 10:08.664 [SPEAKER_00]: And I'm like, wow, it sounds great. 10:08.684 --> 10:10.625 [SPEAKER_00]: You're like, nah, something kind of weird about it. 10:10.745 --> 10:11.646 [SPEAKER_00]: Yeah, that's what I hear. 10:12.026 --> 10:13.887 [SPEAKER_00]: I don't know, I get the egg a little bit. 10:14.867 --> 10:15.327 [SPEAKER_00]: You do. 10:15.947 --> 10:17.008 [SPEAKER_00]: They showed up on time. 10:17.128 --> 10:18.748 [SPEAKER_00]: Yeah, they were on time every time. 10:18.768 --> 10:19.268 [SPEAKER_00]: What are they doing? 10:19.288 --> 10:21.629 [SPEAKER_00]: Wait, how needy they must be media and desperate. 10:21.749 --> 10:22.329 [SPEAKER_00]: That's what I hear. 10:23.049 --> 10:27.690 [SPEAKER_00]: So they were on time and that equals media and desperate to, you know, it gets a little scary. 10:28.210 --> 10:34.032 [SPEAKER_00]: So, but that's how much you will sort of change the narrative unconsciously to match something. 10:36.588 --> 11:00.995 [SPEAKER_00]: Okay, so the other question I get asked a lot is, you know, kind of, why does, why does chemistry keep leading me astray kind of thing, you know, what, what, and, and, and this is really the question behind the second pattern I hear all the time, which is they seem so amazing at first and then everything fell apart, right, over and over I hear that. 11:01.935 --> 11:10.739 [SPEAKER_00]: And I want to be really clear about something because the standard advice is to look for red flags earlier and I'm not saying, I've done episodes on that. 11:10.899 --> 11:24.425 [SPEAKER_00]: And I actually think you have to be careful with this because that can be really not only unhelpful, I think it's a little bit cruel because it implies you miss something obvious and in most cases you didn't. 11:26.158 --> 11:40.347 [SPEAKER_00]: So what was actually happening is that your nervous system was in that early rush of attraction and in that state, your brain does something called positive sentiment override. 11:40.427 --> 11:44.830 [SPEAKER_00]: And I've talked about love goggles before on the podcast, so I will link to that episode. 11:45.471 --> 11:47.192 [SPEAKER_00]: I'm going to write that down. 11:47.452 --> 11:49.233 [SPEAKER_00]: Give me a second love goggles. 11:49.593 --> 11:51.755 [SPEAKER_00]: Okay, I just want to make sure I remember to link to it. 11:53.015 --> 12:09.101 [SPEAKER_00]: So, this positive sentiment override, and it's a term from John Gottman's research, and it describes the way that when we're in the grip of a new attraction, we generally perceive the other person more positively than the evidence warrants. 12:09.141 --> 12:12.282 [SPEAKER_00]: We fill in the blanks with what we hope is there. 12:12.302 --> 12:12.362 [SPEAKER_00]: So, 12:14.203 --> 12:38.530 [SPEAKER_00]: these like red flags, these so-called red flags, they weren't hidden, they were there, but your, your nervous system was flooded, you know, with dopamine and norepinephrine and it was running its pattern matching program in the background and finding, it was looking for that familiar shape it was looking for and it found it maybe in this person. 12:39.415 --> 12:53.559 [SPEAKER_00]: So this is also why the person who makes you feel instantly comfortable, instantly understood, instantly at home is sometimes the most worth slowing down around, not because comfort's bad, but because that instant recognition can be 12:55.560 --> 13:13.245 [SPEAKER_00]: Emojo doing its job a little too well, the person who activates that your deepest familiar feelings isn't necessarily the person who's right for you, the person who who most closely matches the template, I know. 13:14.226 --> 13:19.167 [SPEAKER_00]: And this is one of the places where I use what I call the trust 13:25.970 --> 13:33.697 [SPEAKER_00]: I evaluate whether someone is generally trustworthy through those three lenses of the trust triad, integrity, competence, and goodwill. 13:34.137 --> 13:38.741 [SPEAKER_00]: And briefly, I'll just say again, integrity is whether they're honest and transparent. 13:38.761 --> 13:42.084 [SPEAKER_00]: Remember, transparency has to be there, not just honesty. 13:44.803 --> 14:12.465 [SPEAKER_00]: Competence is whether they fall through on what they they fall through on what they say they're going to do you know if I'll I'll be here at this time I'm going to take care of this by this date and they do it and good will is whether you believe they generally have your best interest at heart that they have your back not just their own needs right that they'll think of you so Early chemistry tells you almost 14:13.658 --> 14:16.680 [SPEAKER_00]: Nothing about any of those three things. 14:17.220 --> 14:20.942 [SPEAKER_00]: It's time and repeated behavior that tells you about those things. 14:21.743 --> 14:28.047 [SPEAKER_00]: And I'm going to come back to the trust try and the tool section because I think it's really one of the most useful frameworks. 14:28.167 --> 14:30.668 [SPEAKER_00]: I know for slowing down the pattern, so I will come back to it. 14:32.110 --> 14:41.522 [SPEAKER_00]: And a while ago I did an episode again called it's like why you ignore red flags when you're falling for someone, so I'm not going to repeat everything here. 14:42.123 --> 14:48.251 [SPEAKER_00]: But I will call out the five big reasons why we say love is blind because it really really is. 14:49.172 --> 14:51.976 [SPEAKER_00]: So one, your judgment center is offline, right? 14:52.036 --> 14:59.267 [SPEAKER_00]: The areas of your brain responsible for evaluating risks and assessing negative traits they're deactivated when you're falling in love. 14:59.728 --> 15:03.193 [SPEAKER_00]: And that means your brain physically can't process certain 15:04.034 --> 15:06.097 [SPEAKER_00]: negative information about your partner. 15:06.297 --> 15:07.178 [SPEAKER_00]: That's what's happening. 15:07.238 --> 15:11.523 [SPEAKER_00]: So maybe they constantly interrupt people and conversations. 15:11.643 --> 15:13.045 [SPEAKER_00]: And normally that would drive you nuts. 15:13.445 --> 15:23.637 [SPEAKER_00]: But early on, you tell yourself things like, oh, they're just enthusiastic or something like that or look how into what the conversation they are because your brain is refusing to let you register that as a flaw. 15:24.358 --> 15:28.119 [SPEAKER_00]: The second issue is confirmation bias because that's going to be in full swing. 15:28.559 --> 15:37.200 [SPEAKER_00]: You're naturally going to seek out information that confirms your belief that this person is wonderful and ignore anything that contradicts it. 15:37.501 --> 15:42.361 [SPEAKER_00]: Your brain is filtering reality to maintain that illusion, right? 15:42.702 --> 15:49.883 [SPEAKER_00]: So maybe your best friend mentions that your new partner seems a little controlling and you dismiss it immediately, right? 15:51.243 --> 15:53.905 [SPEAKER_00]: They're just protective, they care so much, something like that. 15:54.265 --> 16:04.470 [SPEAKER_00]: You're unconsciously searching for ways to prove your friend wrong, because your brain is focused on keeping the love train rolling, you know, like you want to keep it going. 16:05.510 --> 16:15.555 [SPEAKER_00]: Number three is, you know, the biological imperative to bond from an evolutionary perspective humans are wired to pair up for survival. 16:17.227 --> 16:23.870 [SPEAKER_00]: It's early humans who bonded were more likely to raise off spring successfully and survive harsh conditions. 16:23.910 --> 16:24.771 [SPEAKER_00]: That's just the facts. 16:25.171 --> 16:30.173 [SPEAKER_00]: Your brain is designed to prioritize bonding over objectivity. 16:30.653 --> 16:34.135 [SPEAKER_00]: So you might notice that they have never really held a steady job. 16:34.575 --> 16:39.337 [SPEAKER_00]: And instead of seeing that as a potential problem, you think, oh, they're just figuring out their passion. 16:39.817 --> 16:41.858 [SPEAKER_00]: I love how free they are, something like that. 16:42.178 --> 16:44.460 [SPEAKER_00]: Your brain minimizes real concerns 16:45.720 --> 16:48.242 [SPEAKER_00]: uh, pair bonding feels like the higher priority. 16:48.362 --> 16:53.106 [SPEAKER_00]: And I obviously, I hope, obviously, I'm not saying that because it's evolution, we should do it. 16:53.306 --> 16:56.249 [SPEAKER_00]: I, and all, I love that we have choices now and don't have to. 16:56.749 --> 17:09.220 [SPEAKER_00]: What I'm trying to explain to you is that your, your, that chemistry part is, you're undoing because our, you know, biology hasn't caught up to our psychology and our, and our sociology, right in our world right now. 17:10.070 --> 17:21.417 [SPEAKER_00]: The fourth problem is that dopamine is addictive, literally, literally, the dopamine rush you get from early love is as powerful as what someone feels when gambling or using cocaine. 17:23.397 --> 17:34.682 [SPEAKER_00]: Yeah, I was, I was just in Vegas again doing a talk and I'll tell you that gambling, yeah, those buildings are gorgeous and all those hotels are beautiful for a reason, not because the house loses. 17:36.143 --> 17:38.784 [SPEAKER_00]: It's because gamblers will keep going back, right? 17:38.884 --> 17:46.607 [SPEAKER_00]: Or, you know, we all know people with an addiction to something, yeah, you're chemically addicted to the high of being with this person. 17:47.048 --> 17:47.188 [SPEAKER_00]: So 17:49.199 --> 17:56.150 [SPEAKER_00]: You're going to overlook that they ghost you do for two days because the next dopamine hit, dopamine hit, right, a text that says, oh, I miss you. 17:56.911 --> 17:58.453 [SPEAKER_00]: It's going to make the weight feel worth it. 17:59.109 --> 18:04.813 [SPEAKER_00]: You're chasing the chemical high instead of evaluating their reliability in those moments, right? 18:05.513 --> 18:10.436 [SPEAKER_00]: And then the fifth problem is that scarcity mentality that kicks in, which makes me nuts. 18:11.117 --> 18:15.519 [SPEAKER_00]: If you believe this person is of the one, I've never felt this way. 18:15.739 --> 18:17.000 [SPEAKER_00]: Oh, you don't understand, Abby. 18:17.100 --> 18:18.461 [SPEAKER_00]: People don't come along like this. 18:19.062 --> 18:22.404 [SPEAKER_00]: You're brain becomes highly invested in making it work. 18:23.104 --> 18:34.809 [SPEAKER_00]: This scarcity mindset, it's tricking you into thinking I may never meet someone like this again, and that makes you double down on ignoring the red flags and staying. 18:35.349 --> 18:39.691 [SPEAKER_00]: So maybe they mention they don't want kids when you absolutely do it. 18:39.731 --> 18:47.694 [SPEAKER_00]: Instead of facing that in compatibility, you think all of those change their mind, you know, whatever you ignore it, this connection 18:51.836 --> 19:00.286 [SPEAKER_00]: And for all my, any of my new people who are listening anytime I say the research or I talk about a past episode, I think you should look at all of that. 19:00.326 --> 19:02.769 [SPEAKER_00]: You can find below the video if you're watching on YouTube. 19:03.450 --> 19:07.174 [SPEAKER_00]: I would love a like to subscribe a comment if you are watching my YouTube. 19:07.334 --> 19:09.998 [SPEAKER_00]: And if you're just listening to me or. 19:10.798 --> 19:18.063 [SPEAKER_00]: Consuming this another way, you can go to the blog, abbemecaf.com, and just go to episodes. 19:18.083 --> 19:21.826 [SPEAKER_00]: You'll find this blog and this article and just our all the links are there. 19:21.866 --> 19:23.787 [SPEAKER_00]: The free download for today, which is so good. 19:23.847 --> 19:25.468 [SPEAKER_00]: The therapy to go bundle, which is so good. 19:25.949 --> 19:30.392 [SPEAKER_00]: All of that, the research, if you don't believe me or want to look yourself, be my guest. 19:30.492 --> 19:31.413 [SPEAKER_00]: I link all of it. 19:32.193 --> 19:32.453 [SPEAKER_00]: Okay. 19:33.054 --> 19:37.396 [SPEAKER_00]: So what does the internal work actually look like? 19:37.456 --> 19:41.878 [SPEAKER_00]: That should be, I try to always arrange these in what I think are your natural questions. 19:41.938 --> 19:57.307 [SPEAKER_00]: Just so you know what I'm writing up, you know, the blog, the article that goes with these, I stop, but what I do first, I think of the topic, and I think of what are the questions I get asked the most about this, because I always do, and I usually usually use that as my template. 19:57.387 --> 20:00.668 [SPEAKER_00]: So what does this internal work actually look like? 20:01.869 --> 20:11.912 [SPEAKER_00]: Um, be understanding why the patterns exist is obviously the first step, but understanding alone doesn't change your behavior. 20:12.572 --> 20:17.914 [SPEAKER_00]: And I can't, I just saw many of you just, you, you, you'll, you'll sit here and absorb this content. 20:17.934 --> 20:22.175 [SPEAKER_00]: You'll be like, oh my god, Abby, you're talking to me, I'm not in my head the whole time. 20:22.555 --> 20:28.817 [SPEAKER_00]: And then you won't get the free download and do the work next or you won't go to therapy or you won't get the therapy to go bundle or you won't. 20:29.237 --> 20:30.577 [SPEAKER_00]: You gotta do something. 20:30.637 --> 20:33.038 [SPEAKER_00]: I say, with love, you don't have to buy anything for me if you don't want to. 20:33.058 --> 20:34.378 [SPEAKER_00]: I'm not trying to sell you something. 20:35.019 --> 20:35.619 [SPEAKER_00]: You don't need. 20:35.959 --> 20:39.060 [SPEAKER_00]: I'm saying, if you really see this is a problem, you have to do the work. 20:39.320 --> 20:41.920 [SPEAKER_00]: Just understanding does not get you far. 20:42.001 --> 20:44.681 [SPEAKER_00]: That's like saying, well, I understand how to play tennis. 20:45.261 --> 20:48.582 [SPEAKER_00]: Until you start playing, you can learn everything you want about tennis. 20:48.622 --> 20:50.343 [SPEAKER_00]: Until you start to actually play. 20:51.283 --> 20:51.523 [SPEAKER_00]: Right. 20:51.643 --> 20:54.564 [SPEAKER_00]: I'm sure you've had this with your job with training for a job. 20:54.664 --> 20:55.504 [SPEAKER_00]: It like therapy. 20:55.544 --> 20:57.204 [SPEAKER_00]: I can tell you school teaches you a lot. 20:57.244 --> 20:59.865 [SPEAKER_00]: But until you start working as a therapist, forget it, right? 21:00.385 --> 21:03.806 [SPEAKER_00]: It's it's you you got to it's understanding isn't enough. 21:03.866 --> 21:10.868 [SPEAKER_00]: Your nervous system doesn't update just because your pre funnel cortex now knows something new. 21:11.488 --> 21:14.048 [SPEAKER_00]: The internal work is required. 21:14.248 --> 21:14.949 [SPEAKER_00]: And there's really 21:21.330 --> 21:22.292 [SPEAKER_00]: You need to get honest. 21:22.833 --> 21:28.524 [SPEAKER_00]: I say would love about what the familiar feels like in your body. 21:28.905 --> 21:30.267 [SPEAKER_00]: I think that's the way I want to say that. 21:30.953 --> 21:34.996 [SPEAKER_00]: not what it looks like intellectually, but what it feels like. 21:35.657 --> 21:46.585 [SPEAKER_00]: And for a lot of people, the familiar feels like urgency, like electricity, like you have to figure this person out or their approval, or be chosen by them, aha. 21:47.245 --> 21:55.551 [SPEAKER_00]: It can also feel like safety through, through busyness, through the meaning, the relationship. 21:58.315 --> 22:02.596 [SPEAKER_00]: that gives you like a job to do, someone to fix a puzzle to solve, right? 22:03.837 --> 22:04.857 [SPEAKER_00]: That's what I mean by that. 22:04.997 --> 22:06.857 [SPEAKER_00]: Like, there's like this focus. 22:07.278 --> 22:14.780 [SPEAKER_00]: If you're the rescuer type, the busyness has been masking a real hunger underneath it. 22:14.820 --> 22:15.320 [SPEAKER_00]: I'll tell you. 22:16.400 --> 22:23.865 [SPEAKER_00]: So the question we're sitting with is, what am I actually trying to resolve by helping this person, by making them better? 22:24.025 --> 22:26.827 [SPEAKER_00]: I have a women, especially do this, I will say. 22:27.108 --> 22:29.409 [SPEAKER_00]: Men do a tube of the women in my practice way. 22:31.250 --> 22:37.214 [SPEAKER_00]: Well, he's, you know, he's got an anxious attachment style, he just has to fix that, or he, you know, he's this way, he's that way. 22:38.215 --> 22:40.417 [SPEAKER_00]: I, this is not something for you to fix. 22:41.347 --> 22:42.027 [SPEAKER_00]: I love you so much. 22:42.628 --> 22:43.328 [SPEAKER_00]: I don't know what to say. 22:43.688 --> 22:53.715 [SPEAKER_00]: You can try a little and open some things up, but this fact that you don't want to be with someone who maybe wants to fix themselves and wants to have the understanding themselves. 22:53.875 --> 23:00.159 [SPEAKER_00]: Maybe a person who's actually bringing you this podcast episode, men listen to my podcast, men read my books. 23:01.060 --> 23:01.901 [SPEAKER_00]: men are in my practice. 23:02.281 --> 23:03.142 [SPEAKER_00]: They exist. 23:03.822 --> 23:04.803 [SPEAKER_00]: Men exist to do this. 23:05.223 --> 23:18.194 [SPEAKER_00]: I will tell you that the breakdown for male to female who overall who listen to me, who read my stuff, all that, is about 75% female and 25% male. 23:18.674 --> 23:20.796 [SPEAKER_00]: So somewhere in there, sometimes it's about 70-30. 23:22.537 --> 23:35.007 [SPEAKER_00]: I think it's we're closer to 70, 30 right now, but so I'm not saying it's not mostly women who do this work, but there are men who do it give them some credit, men some men are out there trying 23:36.187 --> 23:42.932 [SPEAKER_00]: So second, you need to notice what a genuinely available person feels like, because you don't even know. 23:43.152 --> 23:49.056 [SPEAKER_00]: And I hear this regularly in sessions, you know, they're great, but there's just no spark I hear it all the time. 23:49.377 --> 23:51.398 [SPEAKER_00]: Yeah, they were fine, they were nice. 23:52.058 --> 24:00.284 [SPEAKER_00]: And I always want to gently ask, is there no spark or does their steadiness just not activate your pattern? 24:01.285 --> 24:02.246 [SPEAKER_00]: is that the problem? 24:02.546 --> 24:10.571 [SPEAKER_00]: Because for a lot of people, calm and consistent has been coded as boring when it's actually just not familiar. 24:11.072 --> 24:22.219 [SPEAKER_00]: So you may have to consciously stay open and give it more time, not indefinitely, but enough to let your nervous system actually register that this person is safe. 24:26.142 --> 24:29.083 [SPEAKER_00]: my first marriage, which I consider a huge success. 24:29.103 --> 24:33.564 [SPEAKER_00]: I had my beautiful children through what we were together for many, many years, wonderful person. 24:33.584 --> 24:42.126 [SPEAKER_00]: I remember we broke up for like a day because we both were thinking, you know, there's not like we didn't have the thing. 24:42.246 --> 24:45.047 [SPEAKER_00]: We didn't have whatever that thing was that we both... 24:45.547 --> 24:48.748 [SPEAKER_00]: thought from our previous trauma bonding, we were supposed to have yet. 24:49.068 --> 24:50.468 [SPEAKER_00]: We got a long amazing. 24:51.168 --> 24:52.309 [SPEAKER_00]: There was no drama. 24:52.629 --> 24:53.849 [SPEAKER_00]: We had a lot of fun together. 24:54.309 --> 24:55.329 [SPEAKER_00]: We, you know, liked a lot. 24:55.349 --> 24:56.710 [SPEAKER_00]: We had a lot of same values. 24:56.930 --> 24:58.710 [SPEAKER_00]: I adored his family. 24:58.730 --> 25:00.191 [SPEAKER_00]: I'm so grateful for them. 25:01.111 --> 25:02.091 [SPEAKER_00]: All the things, right? 25:02.151 --> 25:03.691 [SPEAKER_00]: I was like, he'll be a great dad. 25:04.432 --> 25:05.652 [SPEAKER_00]: There was, there was things that, 25:06.252 --> 25:11.153 [SPEAKER_00]: didn't work, but there was, it was, again, and you're, you might be like, well, you did get divorced. 25:11.173 --> 25:14.034 [SPEAKER_00]: So, you know, you should, no, that's not why we got divorced. 25:14.094 --> 25:18.536 [SPEAKER_00]: So, but that feeling, I remember I had to get used to feeling safe. 25:18.656 --> 25:25.538 [SPEAKER_00]: And I will say that in my current relationship, you know, with Gary, you had talked about a lot, and I've been with now for all so many years, um, 25:26.748 --> 25:36.914 [SPEAKER_00]: I was able to be with someone even safe or like like I was able to keep sort of improving on that and being with someone where there was even less drama and even less issues, right. 25:37.495 --> 25:42.618 [SPEAKER_00]: It you can get there, but boy, your nervous system at first is like, what is this? 25:42.638 --> 25:48.742 [SPEAKER_00]: This is meh, I don't like this and don't try not to listen to that try try try to go a little deeper. 25:49.943 --> 25:51.063 [SPEAKER_00]: Okay, so third and. 25:53.415 --> 25:58.439 [SPEAKER_00]: This is where mindfulness becomes genuinely essential, not just a nice idea, right? 25:58.999 --> 26:18.193 [SPEAKER_00]: The ability to notice what's happening in your body in real time to observe the pole towards someone without immediately acting on it, to feel that flat feeling with someone maybe, someone who's available and not immediately dismiss them, all of what I just described are mindfulness skills, okay? 26:18.953 --> 26:20.775 [SPEAKER_00]: I've got the free mindfulness starter kit. 26:21.015 --> 26:22.857 [SPEAKER_00]: If you don't have it, I don't know what you're waiting for. 26:23.357 --> 26:26.160 [SPEAKER_00]: I've got so many articles on mindfulness. 26:26.180 --> 26:27.141 [SPEAKER_00]: I talk about it all the time. 26:27.221 --> 26:32.306 [SPEAKER_00]: I quote the research all the time, because you've got to have it, or you're not going to be able to do this work. 26:32.366 --> 26:34.188 [SPEAKER_00]: You've got to have to practice it, okay? 26:34.208 --> 26:35.269 [SPEAKER_00]: You've got to have to practice it. 26:36.810 --> 26:40.254 [SPEAKER_00]: And fourth is to do the self-worth work. 26:41.177 --> 26:42.218 [SPEAKER_00]: you're going to need to do it. 26:44.140 --> 26:57.134 [SPEAKER_00]: There's something called self verification theory, and it tells us that you will unconsciously seek partners who match how you see yourself, which means the most powerful thing you can do to change your pattern. 26:57.674 --> 27:00.978 [SPEAKER_00]: is to change your internal model of what you deserve. 27:01.479 --> 27:04.782 [SPEAKER_00]: And this isn't like positive affirmations, and that kind of BS. 27:04.942 --> 27:07.165 [SPEAKER_00]: It's about doing the real work. 27:07.445 --> 27:13.372 [SPEAKER_00]: We'll work off, I have to admit, often in therapy, but you can do, that's why I have the therapy to go bundles and the stuff I have. 27:15.622 --> 27:19.427 [SPEAKER_00]: on the beliefs that were installed when you were young, okay? 27:19.908 --> 27:27.978 [SPEAKER_00]: And I have an episode about changing your limiting beliefs, also, that I will link to, also, and that has all kinds of work you can do. 27:28.119 --> 27:31.563 [SPEAKER_00]: So again, if you don't have money or you can't go to therapy, you don't believe in therapy or some reason. 27:32.204 --> 27:47.526 [SPEAKER_00]: I've got enough stuff if you dig and I'll link to everything and it's all there and you you and you probably should spend some money on a therapy to go bundle or at least get the free downloads or whatever like you can do the work I I that's why I started the podcast all these years ago. 27:49.467 --> 27:56.272 [SPEAKER_00]: I just can't say it's these were the beliefs that were installed when you were young and they're going to take a minute to undo. 27:56.932 --> 28:00.915 [SPEAKER_00]: What did you learn about whether you were lovable when you were a kid? 28:01.255 --> 28:03.437 [SPEAKER_00]: What did you learn about what love costs? 28:04.317 --> 28:05.638 [SPEAKER_00]: Lots of transaction probably. 28:06.099 --> 28:10.202 [SPEAKER_00]: Those answers are running your attraction system. 28:10.902 --> 28:11.983 [SPEAKER_00]: That's the problem here. 28:13.328 --> 28:16.113 [SPEAKER_00]: Okay, so how do I actually vet a healthy partner? 28:16.313 --> 28:17.875 [SPEAKER_00]: I know, is your next question, right? 28:18.116 --> 28:22.944 [SPEAKER_00]: All right, I do the work, okay, I'm doing the work, but now I still wanna know how I vet a healthy partner. 28:23.044 --> 28:23.304 [SPEAKER_00]: Okay. 28:26.463 --> 28:35.368 [SPEAKER_00]: You're getting, so again, if you've done the internal work, you're getting better, hopefully at noticing the poll and slowing down, okay? 28:35.488 --> 28:40.111 [SPEAKER_00]: So I just wanna say that that's all first, the mindfulness, everything I just said, got to do it first. 28:41.031 --> 28:43.733 [SPEAKER_00]: Now we can talk about the external side, right? 28:44.113 --> 28:50.096 [SPEAKER_00]: How do you actually assess whether a new person is healthy before you're into deep to see clearly? 28:50.196 --> 28:51.237 [SPEAKER_00]: And this is where, 28:51.877 --> 29:18.270 [SPEAKER_00]: that trust tribe comes it really becomes a concrete working tool okay so remember what I said the three components were integrity competence and goodwill honesty you know do the and transparency do they do what they say they're gonna do and goodwill and um and i want to say that so integrity really means that their words and their actions match over time not just in the beginning when everyone is on their best behavior but over weeks and months 29:18.910 --> 29:20.992 [SPEAKER_00]: do they follow through on what they say? 29:21.132 --> 29:28.959 [SPEAKER_00]: Do they, and that's really, I'm bleeding into competence, so I apologize. 29:29.200 --> 29:31.762 [SPEAKER_00]: But are they saying things to you? 29:32.983 --> 29:34.024 [SPEAKER_00]: Do they tell you the truth? 29:34.044 --> 29:36.706 [SPEAKER_00]: Like, let's say about how they feel even when it's uncomfortable? 29:37.696 --> 29:40.758 [SPEAKER_00]: Are they transparent, letting you in on their internal life? 29:40.858 --> 29:42.558 [SPEAKER_00]: They're emotions, they're thoughts. 29:42.658 --> 29:43.639 [SPEAKER_00]: This is the biggie here. 29:44.799 --> 29:47.781 [SPEAKER_00]: A person with integrity doesn't, they don't need to be perfect. 29:48.221 --> 29:53.264 [SPEAKER_00]: They need that you're looking for consistency and honesty when they're not perfect. 29:53.444 --> 29:54.704 [SPEAKER_00]: That's really what it's about. 29:55.124 --> 29:59.947 [SPEAKER_00]: So did they say, yeah, they have to work, you know, I got to work late every night this week. 30:00.407 --> 30:01.528 [SPEAKER_00]: And you're like, you do. 30:01.628 --> 30:02.429 [SPEAKER_00]: How do you have to work late? 30:02.449 --> 30:03.831 [SPEAKER_00]: And they're like, oh, there's just a lot of work to do. 30:04.271 --> 30:06.613 [SPEAKER_00]: That's honest, maybe, that they're the work and late. 30:06.653 --> 30:07.494 [SPEAKER_00]: They're at their job. 30:07.614 --> 30:15.402 [SPEAKER_00]: But what they don't, the transparent part would have been, oh my god, there's layoffs coming, and I'm terrified that they're gonna lay me off unless I put in these extra hours. 30:16.343 --> 30:42.550 [SPEAKER_00]: But in their heads, maybe they think, oh, I don't want to bother you with this or they don't want to look like they might lose their job if you're just dating or would it right but that but there's no transparency and you can tell something's off because they they seem really agitated maybe they're snapping at you a little anyone who's worried about losing their job trust me that's bleeding out, but every time you ask like everything's good, everything's good and just working late, you know that's where the integrity leg of the of the triad starts to break down. 30:43.565 --> 30:47.687 [SPEAKER_00]: And so then competence in a relationship context, right? 30:48.427 --> 30:53.410 [SPEAKER_00]: Again, now we're talking about having kind of the emotional skills, the relationship requires. 30:53.570 --> 30:55.771 [SPEAKER_00]: And it's not enough to want a relationship. 30:55.851 --> 30:58.072 [SPEAKER_00]: It's can they regulate themselves in conflict? 30:58.172 --> 31:00.153 [SPEAKER_00]: Can they repair after a rupture? 31:00.714 --> 31:03.115 [SPEAKER_00]: Do they have the capacity for genuine empathy? 31:03.155 --> 31:04.856 [SPEAKER_00]: Or do they get flooded and shut down? 31:06.016 --> 31:09.619 [SPEAKER_00]: And, you know, again, this is really where do they fall through on what they say? 31:09.819 --> 31:14.282 [SPEAKER_00]: Do they, you know, do they show up at the restaurant when they say they're going to? 31:14.742 --> 31:18.405 [SPEAKER_00]: You can see competence in small moments early on for sure. 31:18.805 --> 31:22.687 [SPEAKER_00]: Watch how they handle frustration, watch how they respond when they're upset. 31:23.188 --> 31:28.431 [SPEAKER_00]: It tells you far more than how charming they are on a great date. 31:28.491 --> 31:29.492 [SPEAKER_00]: I will tell you that right now. 31:31.453 --> 31:34.576 [SPEAKER_00]: It's trust takes time. 31:34.656 --> 31:36.017 [SPEAKER_00]: That's why trust takes time. 31:36.658 --> 31:37.599 [SPEAKER_00]: That's why it does. 31:38.059 --> 31:43.704 [SPEAKER_00]: You cannot just trust someone that you've met five times or even ten times. 31:44.205 --> 31:47.467 [SPEAKER_00]: You really build this trust over time. 31:48.508 --> 31:53.789 [SPEAKER_00]: And then goodwill that third one is probably the most important and the hardest to fake over time for sure. 31:54.429 --> 32:00.611 [SPEAKER_00]: It's the question of whether they're generally interested in your well-being, not just what you provide for them. 32:00.991 --> 32:03.332 [SPEAKER_00]: Do they ask about your life and actually listen? 32:03.692 --> 32:07.793 [SPEAKER_00]: Do they make decisions that account for your needs as well as their own? 32:08.293 --> 32:11.653 [SPEAKER_00]: Do they show up for you when there's nothing in it for them? 32:12.254 --> 32:17.595 [SPEAKER_00]: Do you feel like they have your back when things are good as well as when things are go bad? 32:18.595 --> 32:29.107 [SPEAKER_00]: Because I'll tell you that goodwill is what separates someone who loves you, from someone who loves what you do for them, or who loves having a partner, okay? 32:32.568 --> 32:36.249 [SPEAKER_00]: The other thing I want you to take, again, seriously, is time. 32:36.429 --> 32:39.310 [SPEAKER_00]: Again, I've just said it, but I want to say again, time is your best tool. 32:39.791 --> 32:44.272 [SPEAKER_00]: And the one most people are the most reluctant I think to use. 32:44.692 --> 32:50.014 [SPEAKER_00]: When you're in the grip of early attraction, slowing down feels almost impossible. 32:50.154 --> 32:51.735 [SPEAKER_00]: I know, I see you, I'm so sorry. 32:52.215 --> 33:01.162 [SPEAKER_00]: But the patterns that will ultimately end a relationship almost always show up within the first six months if you're paying attention and not rationalizing, right? 33:01.243 --> 33:04.545 [SPEAKER_00]: If you're not, you know, getting into the self-conformation bias and all the rest. 33:05.186 --> 33:07.828 [SPEAKER_00]: So give yourself permission to root, move slowly. 33:09.489 --> 33:11.651 [SPEAKER_00]: You're not being called to withholding, withholding. 33:11.951 --> 33:14.754 [SPEAKER_00]: You're being wise, right? 33:15.194 --> 33:16.675 [SPEAKER_00]: And why is this so good? 33:17.316 --> 33:19.938 [SPEAKER_00]: And I also really want you to address the, 33:22.525 --> 33:38.436 [SPEAKER_00]: the fixer pattern specifically because if you're someone who keeps ending up with people you want to help or save or make different or figure out or give them all the information, the work is a little different. 33:38.576 --> 33:42.619 [SPEAKER_00]: The pull towards someone who needs fixing is often about two things. 33:42.899 --> 33:46.522 [SPEAKER_00]: It gives you value and purpose and the relationship, you know, I'm needed here. 33:47.302 --> 33:47.862 [SPEAKER_00]: And it keeps a 33:51.180 --> 33:52.742 [SPEAKER_00]: I'm focused on their problems, not mine. 33:53.143 --> 33:53.944 [SPEAKER_00]: That's the distance. 33:54.424 --> 33:57.568 [SPEAKER_00]: The question isn't just who you're choosing. 33:57.708 --> 34:00.271 [SPEAKER_00]: It's what is choosing this person. 34:00.872 --> 34:02.755 [SPEAKER_00]: It's, I wanna say that better, I'm sorry. 34:04.597 --> 34:08.982 [SPEAKER_00]: The question I ask yourself is what is choosing this person protecting me from? 34:10.245 --> 34:11.265 [SPEAKER_00]: That's what I want you to ask. 34:11.805 --> 34:12.726 [SPEAKER_00]: I said that better that time. 34:12.886 --> 34:15.046 [SPEAKER_00]: What is choosing this person protecting you from? 34:15.166 --> 34:15.986 [SPEAKER_00]: That's what I want you to know. 34:16.507 --> 34:17.947 [SPEAKER_00]: And that's a therapy question. 34:18.047 --> 34:19.747 [SPEAKER_00]: And it's worth sitting with seriously. 34:19.847 --> 34:21.508 [SPEAKER_00]: I want to say that too, okay? 34:22.308 --> 34:22.528 [SPEAKER_00]: All right. 34:22.548 --> 34:23.248 [SPEAKER_00]: So let me wrap up. 34:23.268 --> 34:26.489 [SPEAKER_00]: And then let me talk about the free download and the therapy to go bundle of all that. 34:26.829 --> 34:30.010 [SPEAKER_00]: So I want to say, again, I want to reiterate your pickers not broken. 34:30.150 --> 34:31.870 [SPEAKER_00]: It's doing exactly what it learned to do. 34:32.550 --> 34:38.472 [SPEAKER_00]: The amazzo or emigo, you built in childhood, is drawing you towards the familiar. 34:39.272 --> 34:43.715 [SPEAKER_00]: Repetition compulsion is pushing you to finally rewrite an old story, right? 34:43.795 --> 34:55.503 [SPEAKER_00]: Yeah, that's what you're trying to do and self verification theory explains why someone who treats you well can feel wrong until your internal model of yourself catches up, right? 34:56.444 --> 34:59.025 [SPEAKER_00]: The work, again, is both internal and external. 34:59.566 --> 35:06.951 [SPEAKER_00]: Internally, it's understanding your pattern doing the self-worth work and learning to tolerate the discomfort of what's unfamiliar. 35:07.940 --> 35:26.715 [SPEAKER_00]: And externally, it's slowing the F down, use the trust triad to evaluate their honesty, their integrity, their competence and their good will, they're having your back over time and letting consistent behavior rather than chemistry be your guide. 35:26.775 --> 35:27.496 [SPEAKER_00]: That's what I want. 35:27.616 --> 35:33.080 [SPEAKER_00]: Again, you're not cursed that you're your patterned and patterns can change. 35:33.440 --> 35:33.781 [SPEAKER_00]: All right. 35:34.579 --> 35:41.465 [SPEAKER_00]: Okay, so if this is all hitting home and you're not in your head a lot, the free download for today is the pattern snapshot. 35:41.565 --> 35:44.908 [SPEAKER_00]: It's a, you know, I always make them kind of like a quick win, right? 35:44.968 --> 35:45.689 [SPEAKER_00]: So it's a quick. 35:45.749 --> 35:52.494 [SPEAKER_00]: It's a self assessment to name what's actually driving your relationship pattern. 35:52.594 --> 35:53.515 [SPEAKER_00]: And it'll help you do that. 35:53.615 --> 35:59.540 [SPEAKER_00]: And if this has been an ongoing issue for you and you're really ready to change these patterns for good. 35:59.640 --> 36:00.221 [SPEAKER_00]: I say, would love. 36:00.962 --> 36:04.566 [SPEAKER_00]: I'm going to highly suggest you get the therapy to go bundle for this episode. 36:04.606 --> 36:05.687 [SPEAKER_00]: It's only $10. 36:06.208 --> 36:07.169 [SPEAKER_00]: I don't know what to say. 36:07.309 --> 36:09.772 [SPEAKER_00]: I think it's going to be $10 very well spent. 36:10.232 --> 36:13.556 [SPEAKER_00]: And if you have a therapist, it's wonderful to get it and work on it with your therapist. 36:13.596 --> 36:15.338 [SPEAKER_00]: And if you don't, it's therapy to go. 36:15.859 --> 36:16.660 [SPEAKER_00]: You can do it on your own. 36:17.280 --> 36:20.984 [SPEAKER_00]: So you get the free download I just mentioned, so you don't have to download anything twice. 36:22.411 --> 36:26.412 [SPEAKER_00]: although you can get the download first to see if it if you like it and then you can always get this later. 36:27.393 --> 36:35.875 [SPEAKER_00]: It has my relationship pattern inventory which is like a bird's eye look at who you've chosen, what you drew in, what the patterns have cost you that kind of thing. 36:36.856 --> 36:48.159 [SPEAKER_00]: There's a familiar feeling worksheet which is basically distinguishing helping you distinguish chemistry from activation from your nervous system being activated and learning to tell the 36:52.895 --> 36:55.999 [SPEAKER_00]: There's another worksheet I'm calling is this person actually safe. 36:56.140 --> 37:03.871 [SPEAKER_00]: It's like a to trust triad vetting worksheet, really for helping you evaluate a new or current partner. 37:05.083 --> 37:06.644 [SPEAKER_00]: I have journaling prompts, I always do. 37:06.824 --> 37:09.446 [SPEAKER_00]: I think I call, I'm calling these what love taught me. 37:09.646 --> 37:15.950 [SPEAKER_00]: And they're helping you explore the beliefs, the identity stories that are driving your relationship pattern. 37:16.790 --> 37:18.411 [SPEAKER_00]: And then I have a script sheet for you. 37:18.611 --> 37:20.993 [SPEAKER_00]: What to say when the poll hits, right? 37:21.513 --> 37:22.614 [SPEAKER_00]: You guys love script sheets. 37:22.654 --> 37:24.955 [SPEAKER_00]: I get a lot of, so I try to do them often. 37:25.836 --> 37:31.639 [SPEAKER_00]: It's a script sheet for the moments, when you're in the pattern in real time, what to say. 37:32.780 --> 37:33.481 [SPEAKER_00]: All of that. 37:33.902 --> 37:40.832 [SPEAKER_00]: Yes, I know because I love you for the $10 highly recommend do what you need to do get free download, but please do the work. 37:41.013 --> 37:44.278 [SPEAKER_00]: I don't I don't care how you know do the work and that's what's important. 37:45.542 --> 37:46.003 [SPEAKER_00]: And that's it. 37:46.323 --> 37:47.603 [SPEAKER_00]: That is this week's episode. 37:47.643 --> 37:49.885 [SPEAKER_00]: Thank you for everyone who's written in. 37:49.965 --> 37:55.388 [SPEAKER_00]: You can always write to me if you have a question at ab at abmecf.com or you can go the website on the Let's Connect page. 37:55.989 --> 37:57.830 [SPEAKER_00]: Please do not write me for advice. 37:57.930 --> 37:58.730 [SPEAKER_00]: I will not give it to you. 37:58.770 --> 37:59.831 [SPEAKER_00]: It's highly unethical. 38:00.371 --> 38:01.112 [SPEAKER_00]: Highly highly. 38:01.192 --> 38:04.474 [SPEAKER_00]: Don't let anybody anyone who's giving you directed advice like that. 38:04.894 --> 38:07.195 [SPEAKER_00]: The email or something or a DM. 38:07.415 --> 38:07.836 [SPEAKER_00]: Don't do it. 38:09.116 --> 38:13.579 [SPEAKER_00]: And, you know, keep it brief, I, there's, there's 10, hundreds of thousands of you. 38:13.599 --> 38:14.600 [SPEAKER_00]: How do you like that? 38:14.940 --> 38:18.122 [SPEAKER_00]: And I try to get to every single connection. 38:18.682 --> 38:23.866 [SPEAKER_00]: And I, you know, if you, if you write me a 15 page, whatever, I have to just delete it. 38:23.966 --> 38:25.267 [SPEAKER_00]: I can't, I don't have time. 38:25.307 --> 38:25.747 [SPEAKER_00]: I'm sorry. 38:26.007 --> 38:26.627 [SPEAKER_00]: I can't do it. 38:26.647 --> 38:27.268 [SPEAKER_00]: I'm not, I'm sorry. 38:27.388 --> 38:27.848 [SPEAKER_00]: I, I don't. 38:27.908 --> 38:29.549 [SPEAKER_00]: You're not respecting my boundary. 38:29.749 --> 38:30.950 [SPEAKER_00]: And so, I'm going to delete it. 38:31.210 --> 38:33.412 [SPEAKER_00]: Like, I, I'm, I'm very clear with the boundary is. 38:34.232 --> 38:39.437 [SPEAKER_00]: So, um, again, if you're in that space, it's time to hire yourself a therapist, I would say. 38:39.917 --> 38:41.459 [SPEAKER_00]: All right, that's it for this week. 38:41.659 --> 38:42.760 [SPEAKER_00]: Oh, I love you so much. 38:43.601 --> 38:46.083 [SPEAKER_00]: Please, please, you can change this pattern. 38:46.223 --> 38:52.008 [SPEAKER_00]: You really can, please, just give yourself this time and this attention and this love to do it. 38:52.689 --> 38:53.369 [SPEAKER_00]: All right, mm-hmm. 38:53.630 --> 38:55.632 [SPEAKER_00]: Have an amazing week and we'll talk real soon. 38:56.634 --> 38:58.937 [SPEAKER_00]: Thank you for spending time with me today. 38:59.277 --> 39:04.082 [SPEAKER_00]: If you're loving what you're learning here, come join my one love collective. 39:04.262 --> 39:05.644 [SPEAKER_00]: It's my private community. 39:06.024 --> 39:08.767 [SPEAKER_00]: We'll be take these conversations even deeper. 39:09.208 --> 39:11.851 [SPEAKER_00]: You'll get a ton of bonus content. 39:12.231 --> 39:18.058 [SPEAKER_00]: Live Q&As with me, guided visualizations, journaling prompts, scripts, 39:18.618 --> 39:26.870 [SPEAKER_00]: and an incredible community of like-minded people ready to support you as you create more ease and joy in all your relationships. 39:27.411 --> 39:31.496 [SPEAKER_00]: It's all waiting for you at AppieMedCraft.com or right on Substack. 39:31.977 --> 39:32.718 [SPEAKER_00]: I'll see you next week.