WEBVTT 00:06.810 --> 00:11.255 [SPEAKER_00]: We should you guys, it has been way too long. 00:11.455 --> 00:15.379 [SPEAKER_00]: We are sat and ready to record. 00:15.520 --> 00:16.000 [SPEAKER_00]: Hello. 00:16.381 --> 00:21.987 [SPEAKER_00]: My name is Alana and welcome to or welcome back to Morning Ray. 00:22.007 --> 00:22.948 [SPEAKER_00]: I'm your host. 00:23.068 --> 00:27.831 [SPEAKER_00]: That was definitely on the right intro, but I digress. 00:27.851 --> 00:33.835 [SPEAKER_00]: I am starting our relaunch back strong with an Askland advice column. 00:34.275 --> 00:37.838 [SPEAKER_00]: And I just want to preface that I wrote this outline back in March. 00:38.158 --> 00:40.661 [SPEAKER_00]: and had every intention of recording it. 00:40.861 --> 00:52.092 [SPEAKER_00]: But my Pilates are teaching life, work, travel, all the things kind of took me away from my ability to pour my heart and soul into recording the episodes. 00:52.413 --> 00:54.615 [SPEAKER_00]: And I did not want to give you a house. 00:54.855 --> 00:57.396 [SPEAKER_00]: half asked episode at all. 00:57.616 --> 01:01.137 [SPEAKER_00]: I wanted whatever is going to be recording to be good. 01:01.537 --> 01:04.378 [SPEAKER_00]: So here we are, sadly took two months off. 01:04.678 --> 01:06.838 [SPEAKER_00]: I've never done that since we started the pod. 01:06.918 --> 01:08.839 [SPEAKER_00]: We are so back you guys. 01:09.039 --> 01:16.881 [SPEAKER_00]: I'm so ready for hot girl summer for being consistent with the pod and I'm so excited to record today's episode. 01:17.181 --> 01:18.282 [SPEAKER_00]: Let's just jump into it. 01:18.322 --> 01:18.562 [SPEAKER_00]: Yeah. 01:18.942 --> 01:19.262 [SPEAKER_00]: Okay. 01:19.882 --> 01:22.906 [SPEAKER_00]: These are questions that you guys have put into. 01:22.926 --> 01:32.056 [SPEAKER_00]: I can't remember if I got some of them from the Google form, but they definitely were asked in my Askland Monday Dory advice columns and I put some together for you. 01:32.116 --> 01:40.405 [SPEAKER_00]: We have everything from dating it to balancing life, adulting, life advice, financials, what else do we have in here? 01:40.505 --> 01:45.251 [SPEAKER_00]: planning, all the things, but here is question number one. 01:45.271 --> 01:50.157 [SPEAKER_00]: I'm going to try and answer as many of these as possible, and without going too long. 01:50.298 --> 01:52.741 [SPEAKER_00]: I guess maybe you guys want a really long episode. 01:52.941 --> 01:53.702 [SPEAKER_00]: We'll see how it goes. 01:53.742 --> 01:56.386 [SPEAKER_00]: I just don't want myself to start sending tired or anything. 01:56.466 --> 01:57.907 [SPEAKER_00]: You know, let's get. 01:58.508 --> 01:59.569 [SPEAKER_00]: into it, shall we? 01:59.729 --> 02:00.509 [SPEAKER_00]: First question. 02:00.849 --> 02:06.052 [SPEAKER_00]: Thoughts on approaching men, like when you're out at a bar, or do you let them approach you? 02:06.072 --> 02:11.876 [SPEAKER_00]: I'm trying to think back to my single days, feeling a little weird being out of practice. 02:12.876 --> 02:21.941 [SPEAKER_00]: I would say I, especially in the last few months the last year before I met my boyfriend, I really had this kind of like mentality switch. 02:22.422 --> 02:23.162 [SPEAKER_00]: When it came to this, 02:26.744 --> 02:29.405 [SPEAKER_00]: message the boy first would initiate, et cetera. 02:29.785 --> 02:38.208 [SPEAKER_00]: And I think past Alana probably would have been like it's the 21st century, it's 2026, you can go up to a guy. 02:38.228 --> 02:42.929 [SPEAKER_00]: And I do think, yes, you can, there's something wrong with it, per se. 02:43.049 --> 02:51.952 [SPEAKER_00]: But based off of how I think things can work out successfully, and attracting the right kind of man. 02:53.092 --> 02:55.773 [SPEAKER_00]: I think you should let the men come to you. 02:56.293 --> 02:59.333 [SPEAKER_00]: Kind of think of it as like dropping your handkerchief. 02:59.394 --> 03:08.676 [SPEAKER_00]: Give them a few hints that you're interested in them coming over to approach you, try to make eye contacts with them from across the bar, walk by, toss your hair. 03:08.796 --> 03:13.337 [SPEAKER_00]: I don't know, but I definitely do think, let the man come to you. 03:13.857 --> 03:19.518 [SPEAKER_00]: We don't chase, we attract, have fun with the girls, let the guys come to you and let the energy 03:23.279 --> 03:30.882 [SPEAKER_00]: Advice on balancing many things in life, school, work, sports, friendships, a boyfriend, et cetera. 03:30.902 --> 03:33.684 [SPEAKER_00]: I live and die by my Google calendar. 03:33.704 --> 03:41.887 [SPEAKER_00]: I put everything in there so that I can get a visual of what my days look like, what my week, my month looks like everything is color coordinated. 03:41.967 --> 03:43.508 [SPEAKER_00]: I have a colored calendar for 03:44.008 --> 03:51.696 [SPEAKER_00]: My work's teaching schedule for events, for appointments, my own workouts, meetings, all the things. 03:51.716 --> 03:57.021 [SPEAKER_00]: So that is definitely like a really great starting point just so that you can not double book yourself. 03:57.081 --> 04:05.649 [SPEAKER_00]: Although sometimes I do that, I forget to put things in my calendar, but I really love using a planner to kind of just like get things out of my head and put it on to paper per se. 04:06.410 --> 04:09.911 [SPEAKER_00]: even though it's technically digital, but it comes to balancing the many things in life. 04:10.091 --> 04:18.734 [SPEAKER_00]: What I have learned in my 20s as an adult, if you will, is there are things that are going to come first. 04:18.814 --> 04:22.915 [SPEAKER_00]: They're going to come as a priority and there are some things that are going to kind of 04:23.415 --> 04:26.238 [SPEAKER_00]: fall behind or be second-tier person. 04:26.579 --> 04:37.251 [SPEAKER_00]: And I think you need to decide as an individual what kind of three things are your writer die, your non-negotiables, things that you are going to prioritize no matter what. 04:37.351 --> 04:37.911 [SPEAKER_00]: So for me, 04:38.732 --> 04:47.438 [SPEAKER_00]: it for a while when I wasn't recording this podcast was teaching Pilates, my Pilates sir and work surrounding that and seeing my boyfriend. 04:47.618 --> 04:58.365 [SPEAKER_00]: And then when I had time outside of that, I was either training for high rocks, working out in some capacity or making plans with friends when I had a spare moment. 04:58.845 --> 05:01.667 [SPEAKER_00]: that's going to look different for every different person. 05:02.227 --> 05:17.956 [SPEAKER_00]: But I think just learning what are your non-negotiables, what are the things you really want to prioritize in your life, putting those things first, and then any other empty space that you have outside of those things, you can fill up with the less important things. 05:18.256 --> 05:24.320 [SPEAKER_00]: So maybe grab and coffee with a friend or going to a sports game, whatever it is, that kind of thing. 05:24.880 --> 05:32.490 [SPEAKER_00]: But my priorities in a day-to-day, now out of my shirt, even though I still have to do all my exams and whatnot, and I'll do a full episode. 05:32.510 --> 05:42.663 [SPEAKER_00]: I know I've been seeing this for a while, but now that I've done my shirt, I'll do a full episode on my shirt and becoming certified and getting re-certified and all that with regard to Pilates teaching. 05:42.923 --> 05:55.351 [SPEAKER_00]: My priorities in my day today is to move my body to make sure I'm doing my morning and night routine and some capacity to get my work done because no man is paying my bills. 05:55.611 --> 06:00.134 [SPEAKER_00]: I'm here paying my bills, been cut off since I was 21 and moved out. 06:00.414 --> 06:10.380 [SPEAKER_00]: We are 26 turning 27 this year, which is just crazy, getting so close to 30, then getting it to talk to my boyfriend or see him 06:10.880 --> 06:11.681 [SPEAKER_00]: in some capacity. 06:11.801 --> 06:13.763 [SPEAKER_00]: Usually during the week, I don't really get to see him. 06:14.063 --> 06:15.004 [SPEAKER_00]: I see him on the weekends. 06:15.404 --> 06:16.565 [SPEAKER_00]: Weekends are kind of safe for him. 06:17.062 --> 06:27.144 [SPEAKER_00]: Down time during the week is saved for my friends and that is kind of how I navigate balancing being in a relationship while not wanting to let my friendships go to shits. 06:27.444 --> 06:30.605 [SPEAKER_00]: So that is kind of like how I balance things. 06:30.985 --> 06:34.786 [SPEAKER_00]: I have focused on my workouts Monday through Friday, Saturday and Sunday. 06:34.846 --> 06:42.448 [SPEAKER_00]: Sometimes my boyfriend will work together or I'll go to a workout class when I know he's going to be at Jiu-Jitsu or whatever he has going on. 06:42.728 --> 06:43.408 [SPEAKER_00]: social plans. 06:43.488 --> 06:59.515 [SPEAKER_00]: I try to plan stuff with friends during the week or sometimes we'll do double triple dates or like group hangouts on the weekend or again I'll go for coffee with a friend or lunch with a friend during like the late afternoon kind ofish on the weekend where I'm like okay bye boy friend you can go to your own thing. 06:59.735 --> 07:00.135 [SPEAKER_00]: right now. 07:00.636 --> 07:05.599 [SPEAKER_00]: And then prioritize the weekend for my boyfriend since I don't get to really see him during the week. 07:05.759 --> 07:09.021 [SPEAKER_00]: And then also prioritizing seeing family on the weekend. 07:09.181 --> 07:12.723 [SPEAKER_00]: But that's kind of how like I figured out that it works best for me. 07:13.003 --> 07:15.164 [SPEAKER_00]: It's going to look different for you in your life. 07:15.184 --> 07:19.467 [SPEAKER_00]: Going to take a lot of trial and error, but figure out what are your like your top three priorities. 07:19.527 --> 07:23.489 [SPEAKER_00]: So maybe between schoolwork, sports, friendships, boyfriends, etc. 07:23.629 --> 07:24.630 [SPEAKER_00]: It's work. 07:25.091 --> 07:42.852 [SPEAKER_00]: It's your friendships and your boyfriend to our kind of your priorities, so seeing how those things fit into your schedule and then making space either every other week or throughout a month time period for the other things that are more second tier to you life advice for your younger sisters who are almost 20. 07:44.454 --> 07:49.740 [SPEAKER_00]: Oh my god, if I think of like my 19 year old self, firstly, you are in for a wild ride. 07:49.860 --> 07:56.528 [SPEAKER_00]: I know you feel really old and really mature and established and like your own adult self. 07:56.828 --> 08:04.477 [SPEAKER_00]: And yes, that is true in many ways, but why are you going to grow into so much more of 08:05.918 --> 08:32.697 [SPEAKER_00]: a woman or a man or adult if you will an individual in the next few years I think ages 18 to 23 are really monumental growth periods or growth years of your life when I think about the person I was at 18 versus 19 20 21 22 definitely so different every single year I think even up to 25 if you want to say a lot of growth happened in those years but I think for most people 08:33.337 --> 08:38.442 [SPEAKER_00]: a lot of the growth happens 18 to 22 and then it's kind of up to you past that point. 08:38.702 --> 08:52.695 [SPEAKER_00]: I think it's going to university and then getting out of university that shapes a lot of us and then if you continue to change and evolve as a human as an adult, it's kind of in your hands whether you choose to do that or not based off of. 08:53.055 --> 09:01.003 [SPEAKER_00]: life experiences wanting to change your perspective, personal work, and our work, whatever you want to refer to it as. 09:01.244 --> 09:06.469 [SPEAKER_00]: I think some things that come to mind, and you guys know I usually do an episode kind of like this where 09:07.142 --> 09:12.145 [SPEAKER_00]: for my birthday, I'll do whatever age I'm turning, that many things I've learned in that many years. 09:12.246 --> 09:25.955 [SPEAKER_00]: Episode, but I would say careless about what other people think and care more about what you think, their opinions removed, do it for yourself and no one else, be so authentic, 09:26.335 --> 09:40.619 [SPEAKER_00]: Lee yourself and learn and discover what that is like, don't be afraid to try new things to do different things to experience different things to fail to fall to get back up to try again your 20s are there for you. 09:42.380 --> 10:00.623 [SPEAKER_00]: to really experiment and to get to be a little bit reckless and to try on different hats and to live a million different lives and to travel and move around and be in different front groups and date different kinds of partners like there are so many chances for opportunity. 10:00.643 --> 10:07.984 [SPEAKER_00]: Really there's so much room rather for opportunity in your 20s with minimal consequences or repercussions. 10:12.686 --> 10:15.529 [SPEAKER_00]: everything, obviously, within reason, be a smart cookie. 10:15.649 --> 10:23.097 [SPEAKER_00]: With that said, don't be so quick to judge and to close yourself off from people, opportunities, things, experiences. 10:23.638 --> 10:25.720 [SPEAKER_00]: I have always, well, not always. 10:26.301 --> 10:28.883 [SPEAKER_00]: In the past few years, I have really embodied. 10:29.444 --> 10:48.955 [SPEAKER_00]: the yes mentality like saying yes to things that kind of intimidate and scare me or excite me and then saying no to the things that I know no longer served me and removing those things from my life but like be open to hanging out with a new group of people to going on a date with someone new to traveling to a new place. 10:49.356 --> 10:56.220 [SPEAKER_00]: I made some of my best friends and best memories from just being spontaneous and saying yes for example when I went 10:56.800 --> 11:00.764 [SPEAKER_00]: to Miami last year when I was going through some heartbreak. 11:01.245 --> 11:13.036 [SPEAKER_00]: I went with one girl that I knew and two of her friends and now those girls, there's some of my closest friends and that probably wouldn't have happened if I hadn't had just like said yes on a whim kind of thing. 11:13.176 --> 11:18.021 [SPEAKER_00]: So just be really open-minded, know that things are going to change and that 11:19.242 --> 11:30.696 [SPEAKER_00]: sometimes there's a reason, sometimes things are in our life for season, sometimes they're for a lifetime, sometimes they leave and they come back, but just to kind of embrace the mountains and the valleys of life. 11:30.897 --> 11:31.457 [SPEAKER_00]: What else? 11:31.658 --> 11:36.844 [SPEAKER_00]: What other words of wisdom could I give to my younger sisters who are almost 20? 11:37.124 --> 11:38.366 [SPEAKER_00]: Don't compare yourself. 11:38.586 --> 11:44.688 [SPEAKER_00]: to someone else's finished product or them being multiple years months ahead of you. 11:44.868 --> 11:46.208 [SPEAKER_00]: Just compare yourself to yourself. 11:46.248 --> 11:47.189 [SPEAKER_00]: You're on your own path. 11:47.649 --> 11:49.109 [SPEAKER_00]: That path is allowed to change. 11:49.509 --> 11:55.651 [SPEAKER_00]: Comparing yourself to what you see online is there's no point because a lot of the time it's made up. 11:55.711 --> 11:56.651 [SPEAKER_00]: It's a fabrication. 11:57.071 --> 11:58.352 [SPEAKER_00]: You don't know the whole picture. 11:58.732 --> 11:59.792 [SPEAKER_00]: You don't know the whole story. 11:59.832 --> 12:01.133 [SPEAKER_00]: It's just a piece of the puzzle. 12:01.273 --> 12:02.053 [SPEAKER_00]: So really just tell 12:02.273 --> 12:14.017 [SPEAKER_00]: tunnel vision on yourself, focus in on what you want and know that it's also okay to change your mind and to change what it is that you want and how you want to approach those things. 12:14.337 --> 12:22.840 [SPEAKER_00]: In your 20s, a lot of people are going to change maybe your partner, maybe even dating them for a long time, maybe your friend group, it's not a bad thing. 12:23.320 --> 12:30.342 [SPEAKER_00]: You are going to outgrow people, people are going to outgrow you and it doesn't mean one person is better than the other, 12:32.123 --> 12:37.609 [SPEAKER_00]: how to not carry past dating trauma into a new good relationship early on. 12:37.889 --> 12:43.895 [SPEAKER_00]: This is something that I definitely struggled with quite a bit at the beginning of starting to see my boyfriend. 12:44.156 --> 12:49.161 [SPEAKER_00]: He probably doesn't really know that or maybe he does because he knows me really well and we've had a lot of conversations about. 12:49.722 --> 13:04.338 [SPEAKER_00]: past thought patterns and things that I've struggled with now, but I think what you have to remind yourself is that they, your new partner and whoever you're dating now, whatever regardless of the relationships status or title is not 13:04.717 --> 13:28.582 [SPEAKER_00]: past person and it's not fair for you to project those insecurities or those character traits or beliefs on to this new person without proof or fact that they are that and if you want to experience a different kind of relationship and build something that is healthy and full of trust and love 13:29.330 --> 13:56.142 [SPEAKER_00]: It takes a lot of vulnerability, so being open to having conversations with your partner when you are feeling triggered or things are upsetting you and not leading it from a place of placing blame on them explaining rather the feelings in the motions and the thoughts that you are experiencing and leading with that so that they can understand and not come at you from a reactive place. 13:56.757 --> 14:15.835 [SPEAKER_00]: and if this partner is healthy and see something with you and wants to build with you, then they will be open to hearing that, they won't talk down to you, they won't try to tell you what you're saying is insane that it's crazy that you're feeling that way or make you feel guilty or ashamed for having those emotions. 14:16.415 --> 14:26.390 [SPEAKER_00]: So I would say to kind of sum that up is every single time you feel yourself projecting past trauma onto this new partner, counteract that thought process. 14:26.470 --> 14:27.932 [SPEAKER_00]: I know easier said than done. 14:29.002 --> 14:44.611 [SPEAKER_00]: I like to really rely on my journal or to kind of vent out to some of my really close friends who I really value them and their relationships and their perspectives of these sorts of things to kind of just talk about it or to even talk to my therapist. 14:44.671 --> 14:47.993 [SPEAKER_00]: I talked to my therapist so much and she would have to remind me a lot. 14:48.093 --> 14:50.054 [SPEAKER_00]: He is not the person you were talking about. 14:50.194 --> 14:53.877 [SPEAKER_00]: He has given you no reason to believe that he is anywhere. 14:54.497 --> 14:55.497 [SPEAKER_00]: near that type of person. 14:55.557 --> 14:59.719 [SPEAKER_00]: In fact, he's given you many factual points to prove otherwise. 15:00.420 --> 15:14.005 [SPEAKER_00]: And just constantly reminding yourself and just know that for the most part, the more you say kind of on top of that, the sooner those feelings projecting that past trauma onto him will start to go away. 15:14.205 --> 15:16.687 [SPEAKER_00]: And it won't 100% disappear. 15:16.747 --> 15:21.869 [SPEAKER_00]: You are human, there are things that come up and occur, but then you'll know, 15:22.609 --> 15:40.318 [SPEAKER_00]: how to deal with them and you'll be able to have open conversations with your new partner about these things and it will actually bring you closer to one another because your love is filled with a lot of intimacy and intimacy includes revealing the deepest, darkest parts of you. 15:40.658 --> 15:44.100 [SPEAKER_00]: So that's kind of my two cents on that. 15:44.740 --> 15:47.421 [SPEAKER_00]: Journal it out, talk to your friends, remind yourself 15:48.762 --> 15:59.130 [SPEAKER_00]: this past person or past people that cause you to have this dating trauma until their factual evidence that he is proving to be that, but for now, you don't have that evidence. 15:59.430 --> 16:01.332 [SPEAKER_00]: That's not to say that there will be that evidence. 16:01.672 --> 16:05.755 [SPEAKER_00]: Very much cannot be, hopefully, in this new good relationship. 16:06.075 --> 16:12.300 [SPEAKER_00]: What are your tips on splitting bills, restaurants, groceries, et cetera, in early relationship stages? 16:12.645 --> 16:13.045 [SPEAKER_00]: I don't know. 16:13.426 --> 16:14.606 [SPEAKER_00]: Maybe this is a hot take. 16:14.887 --> 16:15.987 [SPEAKER_00]: I don't really think it is. 16:16.408 --> 16:17.288 [SPEAKER_00]: Maybe it's traditional. 16:17.668 --> 16:18.909 [SPEAKER_00]: I don't think it's that traditional. 16:19.109 --> 16:21.631 [SPEAKER_00]: I think it's just the way that it should be. 16:21.811 --> 16:23.392 [SPEAKER_00]: I don't think Bill should be split. 16:23.693 --> 16:26.094 [SPEAKER_00]: I think he should be a provider. 16:26.114 --> 16:27.615 [SPEAKER_00]: He should be allowed to provide. 16:27.815 --> 16:29.677 [SPEAKER_00]: Obviously, you can pick up things here and there. 16:29.977 --> 16:33.659 [SPEAKER_00]: A man is supposed to be the provider in the relationship so allow him to provide. 16:35.060 --> 16:42.162 [SPEAKER_00]: I mean, to each their own, but personally, I don't think I could be with someone who didn't have the same mentality. 16:42.762 --> 16:50.465 [SPEAKER_00]: Obviously, I pick up groceries, I pay for things sometimes, I have my boyfriend over a lot at my place where I'll buy food. 16:51.005 --> 17:01.948 [SPEAKER_00]: Whatever it is, but whenever we're going off for dinner, it's on him, and I'm very graceful, grateful, and thank him, and appreciative, and I never take it for granted, but I do think, 17:02.148 --> 17:04.289 [SPEAKER_00]: that's just the way that it should be. 17:04.429 --> 17:07.930 [SPEAKER_00]: I've been seeing a guy for about a month and we've seen each other three times. 17:08.130 --> 17:09.691 [SPEAKER_00]: Should I initiate the next hangout? 17:10.051 --> 17:11.772 [SPEAKER_00]: We haven't mentioned playing tennis some time. 17:12.052 --> 17:15.173 [SPEAKER_00]: Obviously, not given at much context here. 17:15.193 --> 17:16.634 [SPEAKER_00]: I would say no. 17:17.474 --> 17:25.578 [SPEAKER_00]: I don't think besides like one time until my boyfriend asked me to be my boyfriend officially. 17:25.598 --> 17:28.739 [SPEAKER_00]: I did not initiate, I don't think so. 17:30.455 --> 17:33.178 [SPEAKER_00]: Any of our official dates, I did not initiate. 17:33.418 --> 17:35.701 [SPEAKER_00]: I let him initiate everything. 17:36.021 --> 17:44.150 [SPEAKER_00]: There were very few times that I initiated a hangout or plans with him before things were official. 17:44.490 --> 17:48.595 [SPEAKER_00]: I strongly believe that that is the way that it should be. 17:49.255 --> 18:04.967 [SPEAKER_00]: And in the past, when I noticed that the guy wasn't really initiating anymore, and I started initiating, yes, they still said, yes, the plans, but he stopped being the one leading and kind of like courting me is one, the relationship kind of went to shits. 18:05.247 --> 18:08.049 [SPEAKER_00]: I strongly believe by the same end, if you wanted to, he would. 18:08.369 --> 18:11.892 [SPEAKER_00]: And if he was interested and wanted to see you again, he would make sure of that. 18:12.052 --> 18:14.454 [SPEAKER_00]: I really do think men are simple creatures. 18:14.574 --> 18:16.275 [SPEAKER_00]: And yes, us as women are 18:16.795 --> 18:26.329 [SPEAKER_00]: have very complex and deep thoughts, not that men don't, but they see things very plainly and simply, and if you want to see you, then he will ask you out. 18:26.529 --> 18:31.857 [SPEAKER_00]: Advice on heartbreak confusion, process grief, and romantic relationship letting go up. 18:32.184 --> 18:47.053 [SPEAKER_00]: I think, and I've said this a million times before, the best way to grieve a relationship is to go no contact, and that includes photos, videos, voice notes, reading, old chats, seeing their name, following their social media. 18:47.393 --> 18:52.437 [SPEAKER_00]: I'm not thinking you have to unfall of them, but just like muting, or block if you need, honestly, not looking at it. 18:53.077 --> 18:56.779 [SPEAKER_00]: I really do think it's important to pretend that this person doesn't exist. 18:57.300 --> 18:59.661 [SPEAKER_00]: I do think talking about it with your friends 19:01.322 --> 19:05.306 [SPEAKER_00]: kind of process the motions and the things that you are trying to figure out for yourself. 19:05.846 --> 19:09.609 [SPEAKER_00]: But I do think in doing so, you should kind of refrain from saying their name. 19:10.450 --> 19:15.875 [SPEAKER_00]: At least for 30 days post-breakup, I think it's super beneficial in doing so. 19:16.135 --> 19:22.280 [SPEAKER_00]: When it comes to kind of processing the grief or the heartbreak of it all, the confusion. 19:22.300 --> 19:26.224 [SPEAKER_00]: Firstly, about the confusion, it's never going to fully make sense. 19:26.324 --> 19:26.864 [SPEAKER_00]: The puzzle is 19:29.063 --> 19:32.324 [SPEAKER_00]: There's going to be missing pieces to the equation. 19:32.784 --> 19:36.245 [SPEAKER_00]: It's not going to always work perfectly in your head or on paper. 19:37.166 --> 19:41.627 [SPEAKER_00]: And that's kind of something that you have to come to terms with. 19:41.807 --> 19:43.087 [SPEAKER_00]: And it's just the way that it is. 19:43.107 --> 19:48.489 [SPEAKER_00]: I don't think there is such thing as getting closure, closure from your ex-partner. 19:48.509 --> 19:51.510 [SPEAKER_00]: I think that you have to give it to yourself. 19:51.590 --> 19:57.232 [SPEAKER_00]: With that said, I think healing and to moving on is never going to be a linear process. 19:57.792 --> 20:01.213 [SPEAKER_00]: You're not just going to continue to feel better and better every single day. 20:01.233 --> 20:06.275 [SPEAKER_00]: That could happen a few days in a row, a few weeks, months, even in a row. 20:06.415 --> 20:16.298 [SPEAKER_00]: But then there could be a day or a few or an extended time period where you kind of feel like you regress and go backwards and you miss them again or something. 20:16.318 --> 20:19.119 [SPEAKER_00]: You go by something and you remind, it reminds you of them. 20:19.879 --> 20:23.360 [SPEAKER_00]: or you run into them at a party or on the streets or whatever it is. 20:23.500 --> 20:27.922 [SPEAKER_00]: And you kind of go back to feeling shitty and hyperoken and grieving again. 20:28.142 --> 20:31.043 [SPEAKER_00]: And that is kind of just the way it is. 20:31.063 --> 20:33.544 [SPEAKER_00]: And that is the beauty of being human. 20:33.624 --> 20:41.928 [SPEAKER_00]: But I think the best thing to do is to go no contact to not interact with them, to not speak to them, to not 20:43.042 --> 20:47.584 [SPEAKER_00]: watch things with them or with you too together, really put all those things away. 20:47.624 --> 20:52.727 [SPEAKER_00]: Like if you have keep sakes, put it in a box, put it away for rainy day, kind of thing. 20:52.927 --> 20:54.227 [SPEAKER_00]: That will be really helpful. 20:54.427 --> 20:57.249 [SPEAKER_00]: Also not just getting back under someone else. 20:57.549 --> 20:59.850 [SPEAKER_00]: For lack of better words, it doesn't really help. 20:59.890 --> 21:05.673 [SPEAKER_00]: Sometimes, honestly, sometimes it makes it worse speaking from personal experience. 21:05.753 --> 21:06.353 [SPEAKER_00]: It doesn't help. 21:06.593 --> 21:08.914 [SPEAKER_00]: Really channeling your energy into 21:10.475 --> 21:13.637 [SPEAKER_00]: rediscovering you, who are you in this new season of your life? 21:14.337 --> 21:15.758 [SPEAKER_00]: What do you like to do? 21:16.378 --> 21:17.659 [SPEAKER_00]: How will you define yourself? 21:18.459 --> 21:20.921 [SPEAKER_00]: What are the things that you like to spend your time doing? 21:21.001 --> 21:22.562 [SPEAKER_00]: Who do you like to surround yourself with? 21:22.622 --> 21:32.607 [SPEAKER_00]: Sometimes in relationships, especially if it's the wrong relationship, we can lose connection to meaningful friends and are meaningful hobbies or 21:33.748 --> 21:35.249 [SPEAKER_00]: We can lose connection with ourself. 21:35.289 --> 21:37.991 [SPEAKER_00]: We can really turn into something that we're not meant to be. 21:38.451 --> 21:53.042 [SPEAKER_00]: And so I think it's important to take time to date yourself instead, to take yourself out to fall back and love with yourself, to really regain the sense of confidence and independence and knowing as a female. 21:53.482 --> 21:55.442 [SPEAKER_00]: or as a male, whoever you are. 21:55.622 --> 21:59.863 [SPEAKER_00]: I think it's important to take time and space away from dating someone new. 22:00.223 --> 22:03.184 [SPEAKER_00]: For a bit, at least 30 to 60 days, I would say. 22:03.344 --> 22:08.265 [SPEAKER_00]: I think in that time, you'll really learn to appreciate and value your time on your own. 22:08.445 --> 22:16.566 [SPEAKER_00]: Maybe improve yourself a steam a little bit, have new values and morals and expectations when it comes to relationships and dating. 22:16.746 --> 22:21.727 [SPEAKER_00]: And maybe then you won't choose a partner like your acts if things were in great with that. 22:22.387 --> 22:25.990 [SPEAKER_00]: and you'll have better luck next time around. 22:26.890 --> 22:29.272 [SPEAKER_00]: Okay, I thought I was recording, but I wasn't. 22:30.532 --> 22:37.537 [SPEAKER_00]: Anyways, I feel like we've done a lot of dating questions in a row, so we're gonna move on to something a little bit different. 22:38.660 --> 22:44.422 [SPEAKER_00]: When it comes to working out Pilates running, what helps you the most, friends, routines, et cetera? 22:44.562 --> 22:49.603 [SPEAKER_00]: I think a lot of the times we kind of are our own worst enemy. 22:49.863 --> 22:55.665 [SPEAKER_00]: And I mean, when it comes to this, and we kind of work against ourselves, I don't think there is a wrong or right way to work out. 22:56.305 --> 23:04.687 [SPEAKER_00]: I don't think there is a wrong or right frequency, obviously if we're looking at health things, blah, blah, blah, there are certain things that are better than others. 23:08.228 --> 23:29.259 [SPEAKER_00]: just get into a habit of moving your body and being consistent with it and growing confidence and your ability to work out and train and whatever regard that is and to just feel healthier and stronger and more confident about yourself than the specifics the granulars don't really matter. 23:29.519 --> 23:34.662 [SPEAKER_00]: I think I used to get really caught up in the specifics and granular before I even got the habit 23:36.283 --> 23:46.907 [SPEAKER_00]: and in my books, in my routine, my habits, routines or whatever, in my habits, my consistent habits that I do, my lifestyle, if you will. 23:47.407 --> 24:00.972 [SPEAKER_00]: And when I started focusing more on finding a kind of movement that I really loved and enjoyed and yes, it challenged me and sometimes intimidated me, but I really enjoyed and look forward to it overall. 24:01.132 --> 24:03.433 [SPEAKER_00]: That is when I started being consistent with working out. 24:03.954 --> 24:07.756 [SPEAKER_00]: And for me, I found that I wasn't really loving going to the gym. 24:07.996 --> 24:09.537 [SPEAKER_00]: I would never be super consistent with it. 24:09.937 --> 24:12.899 [SPEAKER_00]: When I was doing personal training, my trainer wasn't the best fit for me. 24:13.039 --> 24:16.121 [SPEAKER_00]: And I often found that the workouts were too exhausting. 24:16.161 --> 24:21.044 [SPEAKER_00]: So then that was the only workout that I would do that week as opposed to doing a few workouts the week. 24:21.804 --> 24:26.668 [SPEAKER_00]: and when I tried to run too much and set too many goals with that, I would just fall off of it. 24:26.888 --> 24:30.991 [SPEAKER_00]: I got really into Pilates and I really enjoyed going to a map Pilates class. 24:31.051 --> 24:48.765 [SPEAKER_00]: I really loved going to reform as well and I found I finally could be consistent with it and that's when I started to see progress in terms of how I looked in the mirror, how clothes felt, or fit, how I felt in my own skin, feeling stronger, feeling more confident, all of the things. 24:49.265 --> 24:54.149 [SPEAKER_00]: So I think the most important part is to really find something or a few things. 24:54.689 --> 24:55.790 [SPEAKER_00]: It doesn't have to just be one. 24:55.830 --> 25:02.915 [SPEAKER_00]: You guys know I love cross-training, but find a workout or workouts that you genuinely love. 25:03.135 --> 25:11.681 [SPEAKER_00]: Not because it's trending on social media, not because you think you should be doing this form of movement, but because it is something that you genuinely love and look forward to. 25:11.921 --> 25:14.103 [SPEAKER_00]: But that's not to say that self-discipline 25:14.763 --> 25:18.444 [SPEAKER_00]: isn't going to be a thing that comes to play, but that makes it a little bit easier. 25:18.464 --> 25:19.344 [SPEAKER_00]: So that's number one. 25:19.804 --> 25:30.487 [SPEAKER_00]: Number two is figuring out the time of day and the frequency in which is suitable for you and your lifestyle and what you already have going on. 25:30.867 --> 25:35.708 [SPEAKER_00]: So if you're not working out at all right now, I don't want you to go from zero to 100 really fast. 25:35.868 --> 25:36.808 [SPEAKER_00]: I'm sure you've tried that. 25:37.128 --> 25:38.969 [SPEAKER_00]: I'm sure you saw that it doesn't really work. 25:39.369 --> 25:41.769 [SPEAKER_00]: Maybe one out of 100 people that works 25:44.850 --> 25:47.131 [SPEAKER_00]: going from zero to 100 doesn't work. 25:47.291 --> 25:49.451 [SPEAKER_00]: It will last for like two weeks and then you fall off of it. 25:50.132 --> 25:50.912 [SPEAKER_00]: So start slow. 25:51.232 --> 25:54.293 [SPEAKER_00]: So say you just want to get more movement in. 25:55.033 --> 25:57.734 [SPEAKER_00]: Start with going for one walk a week. 25:58.034 --> 25:58.534 [SPEAKER_00]: Start with that. 25:58.674 --> 26:02.695 [SPEAKER_00]: Or maybe you want to go for a walk every other day for 30 minutes. 26:03.135 --> 26:05.236 [SPEAKER_00]: Maybe you're going to go on your lunch break at work. 26:05.676 --> 26:09.317 [SPEAKER_00]: Maybe you're going to choose to walk to the office instead something of that nature. 26:10.293 --> 26:24.053 [SPEAKER_00]: And then once you've been doing that for a little bit, maybe you're curious about doing some strength training, maybe you want to start going to the gym, lifting a few weights, following a plan you found online or some workouts you found online, or maybe you want to do some Pilates classes, spin classes, 26:25.555 --> 26:27.136 [SPEAKER_00]: at 45, whatever it is. 26:27.356 --> 26:35.220 [SPEAKER_00]: Just start to plan it in, build it gradually, schedule it in like an appointment, figure out what time of day works best for you. 26:35.300 --> 26:36.501 [SPEAKER_00]: Is it the morning before work? 26:36.681 --> 26:37.741 [SPEAKER_00]: Is it during your lunch break? 26:38.162 --> 26:39.142 [SPEAKER_00]: Is it after work? 26:39.602 --> 26:52.049 [SPEAKER_00]: Whatever it is, figure out the time of day that works for you, maybe like to alternate, maybe Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays, you like working out in the morning, Tuesdays and Thursdays, you like doing it after work, and then Sundays and Saturdays, you like to hop off. 26:52.309 --> 26:53.950 [SPEAKER_00]: So figuring out the kind of work out, 26:54.390 --> 26:57.472 [SPEAKER_00]: the time, the frequency, all of that is super helpful. 26:57.752 --> 27:18.285 [SPEAKER_00]: I find the more consistent you are with following a routine, kind of deciding like, my nails are going to be my Pilates class days, Tuesdays, I'm going to go on a walk, Wednesdays, I'm going to do a spin class, Thursdays, I'm going to do a berries class or a weight lift, Fridays are kind of like my free for all, I kind of change it every week. 27:18.885 --> 27:24.372 [SPEAKER_00]: the more you are consistent with working out and being in a consistent routine, the easier that it is going to be. 27:24.672 --> 27:31.080 [SPEAKER_00]: I always say, and I know this is very factual, it is way harder to start than it is to keep on going. 27:31.601 --> 27:37.107 [SPEAKER_00]: So it's important to just keep that moment to map and that you can use that as your motivation to 27:37.908 --> 27:39.228 [SPEAKER_00]: maintain that self-discipline. 27:39.909 --> 27:53.072 [SPEAKER_00]: Now when it comes to involving friends with your workout routine, I find sometimes scheduling in a workout class to go with a friend and then grabbing coffee or breakfast or dinner or something after it is a really good motivational tool. 27:53.092 --> 27:53.752 [SPEAKER_00]: It can help you. 27:53.812 --> 27:55.172 [SPEAKER_00]: It's an accountability partner. 27:56.073 --> 27:57.433 [SPEAKER_00]: It's an accountability tool. 27:58.126 --> 28:06.432 [SPEAKER_00]: and you can kind of look forward to it as a way to see your friends and your busy schedules, you're doing something for your mind, your body, and you got to see your friend. 28:06.452 --> 28:15.358 [SPEAKER_00]: So that is kind of where the friendship aspect trickles in to being consistent with working out and training, or even like runs. 28:15.778 --> 28:25.805 [SPEAKER_00]: I like to schedule runs with my boyfriend on the weekend to hold me accountable, or like we'll plan one with one of his friends or my friends, so that I know I have people relying on me to go. 28:26.485 --> 28:30.589 [SPEAKER_00]: and it kind of makes it a bit more fun to go run with someone as opposed to running alone. 28:31.009 --> 28:39.316 [SPEAKER_00]: So those are kind of my tips, my methods to the madness when it comes to a staying consistent with working out. 28:39.896 --> 28:43.039 [SPEAKER_00]: I also literally put everything into my Google Calendar. 28:43.639 --> 28:47.702 [SPEAKER_00]: I'm type of person, that will book my workouts weeks and advance in terms of my classes. 28:47.722 --> 28:52.987 [SPEAKER_00]: And then I always kind of write in what workouts I'm doing at the gym, 28:56.008 --> 28:57.548 [SPEAKER_00]: Okay, how do you set goals? 28:57.788 --> 29:00.209 [SPEAKER_00]: And do you do them monthly and time-based? 29:00.849 --> 29:03.950 [SPEAKER_00]: So I definitely have done quite a few episodes on this. 29:04.030 --> 29:05.310 [SPEAKER_00]: I'll link them in the show notes. 29:05.330 --> 29:07.451 [SPEAKER_00]: You guys know I always do one at the beginning of the year. 29:07.811 --> 29:08.931 [SPEAKER_00]: Kind of breaking it all down. 29:09.431 --> 29:18.353 [SPEAKER_00]: But with that said, I typically sit down in December and think of different things that I want to accomplish in the year that's about to begin. 29:18.922 --> 29:26.003 [SPEAKER_00]: So I'll come up with a few goals either with like super loose timelines or more particular timelines. 29:26.363 --> 29:35.445 [SPEAKER_00]: And then I'll usually then think of the habits and the routines that I need to be doing and be in in order to achieve and work towards those goals. 29:35.925 --> 29:37.946 [SPEAKER_00]: I really love my get a done-up planner. 29:38.006 --> 29:39.066 [SPEAKER_00]: I'll also link that. 29:39.626 --> 29:45.707 [SPEAKER_00]: It's a really good way to kind of break down this thought process, but I used that and I found it was super helpful. 29:46.407 --> 29:51.252 [SPEAKER_00]: with me getting back into lifting and training for high rocks and running in all the things. 29:51.893 --> 30:01.803 [SPEAKER_00]: So, definitely recommend writing down goals, but I wouldn't say like I'm super specific about timelines unless I'm training for something like high rocks or a half marathon. 30:02.423 --> 30:06.884 [SPEAKER_00]: or something of that nature, it's more of like a general kind of thing. 30:08.044 --> 30:12.045 [SPEAKER_00]: Sometimes, throughout the year, I'll obviously come up with other things that I want to work towards. 30:12.505 --> 30:14.985 [SPEAKER_00]: I don't really tell anyone about these goals. 30:15.425 --> 30:24.127 [SPEAKER_00]: Maybe I'll tell my boyfriend or my closest friends or maybe my mom or my dad, but they're not really things that I publish on social media or brag about to other people. 30:24.307 --> 30:30.628 [SPEAKER_00]: I really have learned to kind of just keep things like that close to my chest and just let the results 30:31.368 --> 30:35.130 [SPEAKER_00]: the actions, the accomplishment, and speak for themselves kind of thing. 30:35.250 --> 30:38.031 [SPEAKER_00]: But that's kind of what I do in terms of goals. 30:38.291 --> 30:49.716 [SPEAKER_00]: I mentally make kind of monthly goals in terms of like how much money I want to earn since I'm in a self-employed role and I don't really have a ceiling on my salary so that's something fun that I get to do. 30:50.176 --> 30:58.179 [SPEAKER_00]: I guess my, my definition of fun might be different than yours, but it's always fun to see how much money can I earn this month compared to last. 30:58.639 --> 31:13.545 [SPEAKER_00]: I very much love looking at numbers and analytics and things, but I kind of set little goals like that or like weekly, I might say like, Oh, I want to really hit at least 10,000 steps every single day this week or I want to have a really high step count on one day or whatever it is. 31:13.845 --> 31:19.047 [SPEAKER_00]: Maybe I want to focus on my sleep more like health-focused goals, I guess, are more on a weekly monthly. 31:19.587 --> 31:24.451 [SPEAKER_00]: basis, but that's kind of my just and my mindset when it comes to goals. 31:24.791 --> 31:38.542 [SPEAKER_00]: And I'm going to answer one final question because I feel myself getting tired and my voice getting raspy since I taught this morning, how to not be jealous of friends and relationships when you still want that and don't have it yet. 31:38.982 --> 31:44.826 [SPEAKER_00]: I think often, well, jealousy is the projection of something that you want for yourself. 31:45.767 --> 31:52.254 [SPEAKER_00]: you are very much aware in this circumstance that you are jealous of them because they have relationships that you want. 31:52.674 --> 32:03.745 [SPEAKER_00]: And instead of seeing this as a negative thing, I think we can turn it to be something positive, which is something I have left to learn how to do and I like to call this finding the silver lining. 32:05.290 --> 32:20.700 [SPEAKER_00]: And in this instance, instead of hating your friends for being in relationships and being jealous and envious of it, you can use those relationships as reflections or examples of the kind of relationship that you want for yourself. 32:21.501 --> 32:32.268 [SPEAKER_00]: And then go ahead and kind of use that as your guidelines as to how you are going to choose partners who are going to let have access to you, how you're going to date. 32:32.748 --> 32:33.209 [SPEAKER_00]: etc. 32:33.249 --> 32:43.765 [SPEAKER_00]: You can even go and ask your friends that are in those relationships to ask them for advice if that is the kind of relationship that you want and get their perspective on things. 32:44.045 --> 32:47.029 [SPEAKER_00]: So there's like such a positive way to spin. 32:47.770 --> 32:51.271 [SPEAKER_00]: and look at this as opposed to it being such a negative. 32:51.831 --> 32:54.832 [SPEAKER_00]: But that is our Askland Advice column. 32:54.912 --> 32:56.232 [SPEAKER_00]: I hope you guys enjoyed. 32:56.292 --> 32:57.692 [SPEAKER_00]: I'm so excited to be back. 32:58.273 --> 33:02.353 [SPEAKER_00]: Let me know what podcast episode topics you would like to hear. 33:02.814 --> 33:06.114 [SPEAKER_00]: I'm for sure going to do a summer reset. 33:06.134 --> 33:07.435 [SPEAKER_00]: You guys know I love to do those. 33:07.775 --> 33:10.755 [SPEAKER_00]: I'm going to probably do a current fave since it's been a hot set. 33:11.396 --> 33:14.976 [SPEAKER_00]: And we'll probably, well, we will do the Pilate Certificate 33:18.218 --> 33:27.305 [SPEAKER_00]: That whole thing, I'll probably post a Google form or a question box on my Instagram stories for you to send in your questions with regard to that, anything that you want to know. 33:27.385 --> 33:32.789 [SPEAKER_00]: But as always, all your ratings and reviews are so helpful and that is how you can help support the pod. 33:33.369 --> 33:39.754 [SPEAKER_00]: So I'd love if you could leave a review for me whether you're on Spotify or Apple Podcasts or wherever you listen to the show. 33:40.195 --> 33:43.857 [SPEAKER_00]: I also love seeing when you share that you're listening to the pod on Instagram. 33:47.641 --> 33:54.629 [SPEAKER_00]: And I will see you guys next Monday, so have a lovely rest of your week, but I love you guys, bye!