WEBVTT 00:08.778 --> 00:14.905 [SPEAKER_00]: Welcome back to feeding them out of the bite tube, a weekly podcast guide on parenting teens and launching them into the world. 00:15.446 --> 00:20.612 [SPEAKER_00]: I'm Cynthia Gannon, and as always, I'm joined by psychologists and author Dr. Ken Wilgus. 00:20.972 --> 00:24.416 [SPEAKER_00]: Dr. Ken, as we're taping it, it's the final countdown. 00:24.537 --> 00:25.498 [SPEAKER_00]: Do you know what I'm referencing? 00:26.503 --> 00:38.957 [SPEAKER_01]: is there a lift off a launch what what is there something final countdown before school is out for the summer oh yes oh yes yeah see that shows how old I am I know it but I kind of 00:39.818 --> 00:41.680 [SPEAKER_01]: Yeah, now it's been loose track a little bit. 00:41.700 --> 00:49.369 [SPEAKER_01]: You're not living by the school calendar like which by the way is so great because I lived you know, I was 80-D didn't know it. 00:49.870 --> 00:58.560 [SPEAKER_01]: I lived in dread of school and I longed for summer so much and now it's like it all kind of evens out so I consider that. 01:00.362 --> 01:13.295 [SPEAKER_01]: Improvement you'd be surprised how many years I had you ever had that dream where you're like that Class you went to the first day and then yes, you completely forgot and now it's the final and you're supposed to graduate and you've never been to the class 01:14.439 --> 01:35.038 [SPEAKER_00]: totally and I mean that's what we should be asking why do we all have that dream that even that's not even what we're talking out say but since you know up tell us why do we have that dream I have it all the time or that I have to go back to Baylor where with college that I'm here to go back and finish a class I'm like why don't I have to do this up three kids but I know they are on the phone they say you never actually graduate yeah gotta go 01:35.478 --> 01:42.626 [SPEAKER_01]: Well, that's not today's topic, but I will say I generally ask patients if they tell me a dream. 01:43.106 --> 01:45.609 [SPEAKER_01]: My first question is, what did you feel in the dream? 01:46.610 --> 01:57.861 [SPEAKER_01]: Because obviously, often what you think the emotion of dreams are big, sharks and jumping off of cliffs and whatever, but what you were actually feeling in the dream doesn't always fit. 01:58.422 --> 01:58.983 [SPEAKER_01]: what you think. 01:59.023 --> 02:11.776 [SPEAKER_01]: So I always think of a dream as a little brief story that flashes through your brain through your mind that it is triggered by a very specific emotion for some kind. 02:12.637 --> 02:18.624 [SPEAKER_01]: And I often feel like I've missed something for gotten something unprepared for something all that kind of stuff. 02:18.644 --> 02:18.764 [SPEAKER_01]: So 02:19.276 --> 02:22.197 [SPEAKER_00]: Yeah, yeah, well it's funny because that is kind of a universal dream. 02:22.297 --> 02:23.077 [SPEAKER_00]: So I like that. 02:23.097 --> 02:23.958 [SPEAKER_00]: Yeah. 02:24.478 --> 02:24.778 [SPEAKER_00]: Okay. 02:25.278 --> 02:29.820 [SPEAKER_00]: So we're going to talk about communicating today, communicating with our teens. 02:30.520 --> 02:36.983 [SPEAKER_00]: And this weekend, this is more related to my youngest, but my youngest had another friend over. 02:37.223 --> 02:40.144 [SPEAKER_00]: And I kept saying, like, let's go get in the car. 02:40.204 --> 02:43.185 [SPEAKER_00]: Let's go do this and the other the friend immediately did it. 02:43.485 --> 02:44.345 [SPEAKER_00]: Mine did not. 02:44.885 --> 02:48.367 [SPEAKER_00]: And at some some point in this, I said, 02:49.127 --> 02:51.350 [SPEAKER_00]: do you even hear my voice? 02:52.971 --> 02:55.234 [SPEAKER_00]: And that's before I knew that's what we were talking about today. 02:55.434 --> 03:03.243 [SPEAKER_00]: Now, I'm talking on a 10-year-old, but I've felt that many times with my older kids too, do you even hear my voice anymore? 03:03.857 --> 03:11.540 [SPEAKER_01]: And the fact that if that was your boy at his house, his friend's house, he'd more likely here is friend's mother than you. 03:11.880 --> 03:12.700 [SPEAKER_00]: Yes, yes. 03:13.060 --> 03:14.141 [SPEAKER_00]: They've tuned us out. 03:14.241 --> 03:17.642 [SPEAKER_00]: It feels like, and so let's talk about that. 03:18.042 --> 03:19.843 [SPEAKER_00]: Everything in me wants to say that's normal. 03:19.883 --> 03:20.943 [SPEAKER_00]: I see that all the time. 03:21.003 --> 03:22.324 [SPEAKER_00]: That's normal to be tuned out. 03:22.764 --> 03:27.045 [SPEAKER_00]: But you would say we need to work on this a little bit with our teens, especially, right? 03:27.245 --> 03:28.606 [SPEAKER_01]: Yeah, because I just hate. 03:29.266 --> 03:52.099 [SPEAKER_01]: the constant image of like this summer how many parents usually mothers are going to be saying we listen y'all we've got to get we've got to go you've got to get your just words that that what i hate is watching that kid you know continue what they're doing on their phone or or you know just literally you would think that they are not hearing them 03:53.420 --> 04:05.730 [SPEAKER_01]: and they are hearing them, but the key is how do you power up your words so that you're going to be on the brain list or the mind list that likes up to that sound? 04:06.310 --> 04:15.137 [SPEAKER_01]: Because we did a episode several weeks ago about kind of weird neuro kind of conclusions made from neuro research that 04:19.655 --> 04:45.292 [SPEAKER_01]: article sounded like hey we found that sure enough teenagers don't their brains don't light up to their mother's voice so the implication was see it's not their fault they don't hear you and you remember I was like no no no that is not all we did was we have now brain scans that show what ignoring looks like on their brain so what it's still ignoring it didn't you know it's always the conclusion and this is what I think so many parents worry 04:49.175 --> 05:08.229 [SPEAKER_01]: Again, it is an issue of focusing and filtering out the unimportant noise, and there are ways, especially with children, but even with teenagers, for parents to become important noise and to not let your words be that busy, unimportant noise. 05:08.799 --> 05:09.019 [SPEAKER_00]: Yeah. 05:09.500 --> 05:13.963 [SPEAKER_00]: And so is this a parent issue or is this a kid issue? 05:14.043 --> 05:17.045 [SPEAKER_00]: Like, I tend to think it's that's all my kids. 05:17.125 --> 05:17.846 [SPEAKER_00]: They need to be listening. 05:17.866 --> 05:18.767 [SPEAKER_00]: They need to be a tension. 05:19.127 --> 05:19.928 [SPEAKER_00]: What's your problem? 05:20.108 --> 05:25.072 [SPEAKER_00]: And am I hearing you say yes, but maybe this is a parental issue too. 05:25.092 --> 05:28.194 [SPEAKER_00]: We're just giving a lot of words and not requiring impact on them. 05:28.762 --> 05:36.888 [SPEAKER_01]: Well, like so many things we talk about, I would say that the issue is what's the most effective thing to do? 05:37.068 --> 05:40.930 [SPEAKER_01]: And there are things parents can do that can be effective in this. 05:40.950 --> 05:42.732 [SPEAKER_01]: And that's always my goal. 05:43.272 --> 05:47.715 [SPEAKER_01]: One thing I know that isn't effective is a parent talking to other parents going, man. 05:48.195 --> 05:52.899 [SPEAKER_01]: My kid doesn't listen to me neither of you is mine and just saying, well, that's the way it is. 05:52.919 --> 05:54.420 [SPEAKER_01]: Well, that's just so ineffective. 05:55.541 --> 06:05.207 [SPEAKER_01]: There are things that you can do and we'll talk today about being careful with the kind of things that if you really listen to it, they are kind of filtered out words anyway. 06:05.227 --> 06:07.308 [SPEAKER_01]: Like you probably don't even want to keep saying them. 06:08.429 --> 06:14.073 [SPEAKER_01]: And otherwise to make your words more impactful when your teenager hears it. 06:14.293 --> 06:18.416 [SPEAKER_01]: You know, it's not about example, but you know, the same thing can happen in marriage. 06:25.023 --> 06:34.590 [SPEAKER_01]: you know, are we hearing each other from the other room, but you learn certain things, certainly, many wives can talk about how there has been, seems to be not listening to her. 06:35.050 --> 06:48.200 [SPEAKER_01]: Well, we don't think, well, he's an ADD boy and what it's your husband who may have decided that you're in this side note, but husbands will decide that you're saying too many words or what you're saying is irrelevant. 06:48.500 --> 06:49.681 [SPEAKER_01]: So he just won't even respond. 06:49.941 --> 06:53.223 [SPEAKER_01]: Well, that's not good either, but we're not going to say there's a, 06:53.984 --> 06:55.766 [SPEAKER_01]: you know, do brain scans of husbands. 06:55.826 --> 07:00.170 [SPEAKER_01]: It's just how we learn as humans, what is important and what is not. 07:00.230 --> 07:02.052 [SPEAKER_01]: And we naturally filter stuff out. 07:02.573 --> 07:04.154 [SPEAKER_01]: And teenagers do the same thing. 07:04.655 --> 07:11.282 [SPEAKER_01]: And the question is how to not be filtered out or how to increase your weight in their filtering system. 07:11.669 --> 07:35.477 [SPEAKER_00]: Yeah, yeah, and vice versa from a wife who loves her husband, but sometimes it's a lot of law talk and I'm like blah blah blah blah blah It becomes Charlie Brown over here and then later he's like didn't I tell you that I'm like, oh, I don't know good question Well, let's talk about this then though with our teens and this idea of don't use empty words and as as I as I think about this I've been known to 07:37.437 --> 07:41.540 [SPEAKER_00]: give, maybe if I know we have to be out the door, Easter Sunday. 07:41.680 --> 07:45.383 [SPEAKER_00]: I start harping on it 20 minutes before I know we have to get, we're walking out the door, everybody. 07:45.663 --> 07:48.345 [SPEAKER_00]: We're getting, everybody knows we're not getting in the car at this second. 07:48.385 --> 07:50.507 [SPEAKER_00]: But is that an example of like the empty words? 07:50.527 --> 07:51.388 [SPEAKER_00]: I don't really mean it. 07:51.408 --> 07:55.231 [SPEAKER_00]: I'm just giving you a lot of warnings that I am going to mean it in about 15 minutes. 07:55.291 --> 07:57.172 [SPEAKER_00]: I'm being hot if you aren't ready. 07:57.212 --> 07:58.313 [SPEAKER_01]: I'm going to be happy. 07:58.473 --> 08:00.895 [SPEAKER_01]: And on two different levels, those are empty words. 08:00.975 --> 08:01.836 [SPEAKER_01]: The first one is to 08:06.175 --> 08:08.916 [SPEAKER_01]: number one do not need to be yelling to be heard. 08:09.677 --> 08:15.820 [SPEAKER_01]: But number two, and this happens a lot with children and especially teenagers, it believe it or not, the louder you get. 08:16.773 --> 08:18.714 [SPEAKER_01]: the harder it is for them to hear you. 08:19.294 --> 08:37.643 [SPEAKER_01]: So there's a kind of frantic voice tone that can, this frankly alerts husbands, that's the same way, that too often registers as a kind of fearful annoying something that the teenager is like, they actually try to 08:38.443 --> 08:39.164 [SPEAKER_01]: filter it out. 08:39.544 --> 08:56.835 [SPEAKER_01]: So you do better when you're getting almost getting in the habit of the more urgent things get, then while you're still very clearly heard, you probably want to consciously calm your voice tone down, because that will be taken by many teenagers as more seriously. 08:57.295 --> 09:04.179 [SPEAKER_01]: But number two, and this goes along with that example, if your calm voice isn't connected to potential consequences, 09:06.941 --> 09:10.682 [SPEAKER_01]: It's like what we say about traffic lights in New York City. 09:10.722 --> 09:11.842 [SPEAKER_01]: They're just optional. 09:11.882 --> 09:12.782 [SPEAKER_01]: They're suggestions. 09:12.882 --> 09:15.363 [SPEAKER_01]: It's not really something you have to do. 09:15.503 --> 09:18.243 [SPEAKER_01]: So the example you gave, I think it's two of those things. 09:18.703 --> 09:22.344 [SPEAKER_01]: Your voice tone can often signal blah, blah. 09:23.244 --> 09:35.006 [SPEAKER_01]: And since nothing actually happened, like what the words you said didn't actually mean anything, or fit with consequences, then yeah, the both of those things can make it their kind of empty words. 09:35.640 --> 09:40.182 [SPEAKER_00]: And so what does that look like to be more powerful in our communications without raising our voices? 09:40.583 --> 09:42.684 [SPEAKER_00]: But let's just stay with that example for a minute. 09:43.144 --> 09:45.565 [SPEAKER_00]: I'm not going to leave them at home on Easter Sunday, probably. 09:46.425 --> 09:48.487 [SPEAKER_00]: But I might another time I might. 09:48.507 --> 09:55.590 [SPEAKER_00]: But is it instead of saying, OK, if you're not ready, when I said in 20 minutes, then we're like, do I go through the consequence? 09:55.630 --> 10:00.172 [SPEAKER_00]: Or we just know in general, like they know how operates around here, and I'm going to leave. 10:00.313 --> 10:02.514 [SPEAKER_00]: And if you aren't in the car, then you don't go. 10:03.174 --> 10:04.995 [SPEAKER_00]: How do we practically walk this out? 10:05.354 --> 10:17.377 [SPEAKER_01]: Well, the first is the discipline of if you're going to speak to your child, especially with a teenager with a direction, then just be sure you're well within audible, your shot. 10:17.657 --> 10:17.917 [SPEAKER_01]: Okay. 10:18.297 --> 10:21.197 [SPEAKER_01]: Yell around corners and so forth, just go right there. 10:21.337 --> 10:28.739 [SPEAKER_01]: That takes some practice, but again, you want to, if you don't take your word seriously, your teenager won't take your word seriously. 10:29.179 --> 10:36.001 [SPEAKER_01]: So the first is to be within your shot and actually, you don't actually have to get there. 10:36.161 --> 10:40.662 [SPEAKER_01]: I contact, I hate, again, teenagers will make a control battle out of anything. 10:40.722 --> 10:44.463 [SPEAKER_01]: Look at me, look at me, no goodie, no I'm not, can't make me. 10:44.803 --> 10:52.125 [SPEAKER_01]: So I wouldn't do that, but I would definitely be where you know, you have confidence they're listening to you. 10:53.125 --> 10:54.386 [SPEAKER_01]: in your calm voice. 10:55.106 --> 11:03.551 [SPEAKER_01]: And then yes, once you've done that, I have no problem, especially if it's the thing that you expect is going to be a problem like once again, we're going to be late. 11:04.092 --> 11:09.275 [SPEAKER_01]: I think it is actually kind to think up the moderate consequence. 11:10.295 --> 11:24.581 [SPEAKER_01]: you know we're going to the picnic and you call if you calmly state if you're not in the car with us and ready to go then there's going to be a consequence of some kind just want to let you know does that sound mean? 11:25.061 --> 11:32.304 [SPEAKER_00]: No and I just want to let you know that my kids would be thrilled to not go to a picnic I don't know who picnics anymore but I appreciate where you're headed with that 11:33.410 --> 11:38.372 [SPEAKER_01]: That's why the consequence has to be something that isn't will go without you, you know. 11:38.792 --> 11:43.333 [SPEAKER_01]: If you don't get in the car to go see your creepy ant with us, then we're gonna go without you. 11:43.613 --> 11:44.093 [SPEAKER_01]: Okay. 11:44.273 --> 11:44.913 [SPEAKER_00]: You're done. 11:45.374 --> 11:46.674 [SPEAKER_00]: When when? 11:46.894 --> 11:47.454 [SPEAKER_00]: Absolutely. 11:47.774 --> 11:49.475 [SPEAKER_00]: So video games, that would be another example. 11:49.515 --> 11:52.696 [SPEAKER_00]: I feel like, or any kind of screen, it's just impossible. 11:52.716 --> 11:56.077 [SPEAKER_00]: Like, with my young, especially, I literally, 11:56.737 --> 12:20.760 [SPEAKER_00]: I'm not convinced he can hear me if he if there's a screen on like he has just had no man's land and then again I it builds up I'm like do you hear me oh my gosh come on you know and then oh what's wrong you know that kind of thing what about that with our kids and screens and stuff I think that's a great example yeah I think with children you know under 13 it's a fine thing to say I need you to pause your game right now and look at me 12:21.580 --> 12:24.703 [SPEAKER_01]: or turn the game off because I need to talk to you about some stuff. 12:24.923 --> 12:25.964 [SPEAKER_01]: I don't want to do that. 12:26.264 --> 12:26.965 [SPEAKER_01]: I'm not asking. 12:27.025 --> 12:38.494 [SPEAKER_01]: I'm telling, but that is you helping that kid with a problem that he may or may not recognize that when you're on that game, you don't listen to me. 12:39.474 --> 12:41.916 [SPEAKER_01]: I would not do the same thing with teenager. 12:42.317 --> 12:43.418 [SPEAKER_01]: I would tell a teenager. 12:43.438 --> 12:45.960 [SPEAKER_01]: You know, I've noticed when you're on the game, you often don't hear me. 12:46.540 --> 12:47.920 [SPEAKER_01]: but I'm just giving you fair warning. 12:47.980 --> 12:51.301 [SPEAKER_01]: I'm not going to treat you like a little kid and tell you to turn your game off. 12:51.721 --> 12:57.922 [SPEAKER_01]: But if you don't act on the thing I tell you, then I was playing a game is no longer an excuse. 12:58.562 --> 12:59.103 [SPEAKER_00]: Yeah, okay. 12:59.123 --> 12:59.643 [SPEAKER_01]: You know what I mean? 12:59.923 --> 13:10.965 [SPEAKER_01]: So that means you're the quiet, dangerous mom that says while he's clearly in the midst of saving the world on his call of duty game, saying if you don't have 13:12.021 --> 13:19.175 [SPEAKER_01]: you're this thing done before tonight then you're not going to go to the movie with your friends. 13:19.536 --> 13:19.736 [SPEAKER_00]: Yeah. 13:20.097 --> 13:21.319 [SPEAKER_01]: And you walk out. 13:21.921 --> 13:22.101 [SPEAKER_00]: Yeah. 13:22.702 --> 13:22.882 [SPEAKER_00]: And. 13:23.745 --> 13:25.706 [SPEAKER_00]: following up with those same consequences. 13:25.906 --> 13:28.488 [SPEAKER_00]: I mean, the first time you mean it, you say it, you do it. 13:28.888 --> 13:33.430 [SPEAKER_00]: I feel like maybe this is just maybe, but I'm like, okay, I'm going to give you another shot. 13:33.550 --> 13:36.592 [SPEAKER_00]: I mean, it's been a busy day or you've had a hard week or whatever. 13:37.292 --> 13:40.954 [SPEAKER_00]: Am I adding to the problem when I'm not pulling this step up and do it? 13:41.174 --> 13:41.354 [SPEAKER_00]: Yeah. 13:41.514 --> 13:44.016 [SPEAKER_01]: Yes, I'm a big believer in its chest. 13:44.216 --> 13:47.498 [SPEAKER_01]: So, if you say, if you don't finish, 13:48.278 --> 13:55.240 [SPEAKER_01]: doing the garden before it's time for you to go to the movies with your friends, then you can't go, make sure you mean that. 13:55.920 --> 14:00.281 [SPEAKER_01]: You mean finishing the garden is more important than this pretty big event with this friends. 14:00.701 --> 14:02.101 [SPEAKER_01]: You probably don't mean that. 14:02.181 --> 14:04.742 [SPEAKER_01]: Then don't be afraid to put a lesser consequence. 14:05.142 --> 14:07.182 [SPEAKER_01]: You're going to have no video games tomorrow. 14:07.282 --> 14:13.444 [SPEAKER_01]: If you go to the movie and you hadn't finished this, you will not have video games tomorrow and you'll still have to do this. 14:13.804 --> 14:14.004 [SPEAKER_01]: You know, 14:18.565 --> 14:31.432 [SPEAKER_01]: If you don't believe you, your teenager won't believe you, so don't be afraid to give consequences, but also don't be afraid to give moderate to small consequences that fit the thing you're asking them to do. 14:31.892 --> 14:33.713 [SPEAKER_00]: Yeah, you need to make t-shirts without that. 14:33.733 --> 14:34.513 [SPEAKER_00]: That was a great quote. 14:34.573 --> 14:36.955 [SPEAKER_00]: If you don't believe you, then your teenagers won't believe you. 14:37.095 --> 14:40.797 [SPEAKER_01]: I'm sure it's out there, but if not someone who doesn't go with it, yeah. 14:42.715 --> 14:50.218 [SPEAKER_00]: Alright friends, I want to thank Carreway Cookware for sponsoring this show and also I need to talk to you about it because I am a rationally obsessed. 14:50.738 --> 14:56.740 [SPEAKER_00]: I have the black set with the gold hardware and every time I walk into my kitchen, I feel slightly fancier than I actually am in real life. 14:57.240 --> 15:03.102 [SPEAKER_00]: It looks like something you'd see in a high-end designer kitchen, which is totally not mine at all with random dishes and Amazon boxes. 15:03.462 --> 15:06.263 [SPEAKER_00]: But here's the thing, it doesn't just look beautiful, it cooks like a dream. 15:06.763 --> 15:10.786 [SPEAKER_00]: Egg slide right out, pancakes don't stick, clean up as ridiculously easy. 15:11.126 --> 15:14.148 [SPEAKER_00]: I'm not soaking pots and pans overnight wondering how to make it look good again. 15:14.489 --> 15:16.790 [SPEAKER_00]: Everything just works the way you wish Cookware would cook. 15:17.230 --> 15:26.157 [SPEAKER_00]: And because Careway is made without PFAS, PTFE and PFOA, I feel good about kicking for my family without having to do a bunch of research every time I pull out a skillet. 15:26.917 --> 15:27.397 [SPEAKER_00]: truthfully. 15:27.818 --> 15:34.382 [SPEAKER_00]: I originally wanted it because it was gorgeous and what surprised me now and why recommended it is because I use it every single day and I love cooking with it. 15:34.763 --> 15:39.906 [SPEAKER_00]: It's one of those rare things in life that manages to be beautiful and practical and I think any of us can appreciate that. 15:40.146 --> 15:46.391 [SPEAKER_00]: So right now you can save up to $230 on a 12 piece cookware set compared to buying everything individually. 15:46.711 --> 15:50.414 [SPEAKER_00]: Plus you'll receive a free airtight duo valued at $125 with qualifying 15:55.377 --> 16:07.140 [SPEAKER_00]: Visit carawayhome.com slash FTM again, carawayhome.com slash FTM to take an additional 10% off your next purchase or use the code FTM at checkout. 16:07.977 --> 16:18.441 [SPEAKER_00]: Is there anything else when you think of empty words where we're not using powerful communication other than repeating over and over without any consequences or there are other things? 16:18.521 --> 16:22.522 [SPEAKER_00]: I even think a little bit about sometimes when we can be passive aggressive. 16:23.242 --> 16:24.943 [SPEAKER_00]: Oh, I guess you just don't want to be with your family. 16:24.963 --> 16:27.724 [SPEAKER_00]: Like that seems like that's powering down our communication, too. 16:28.274 --> 16:34.698 [SPEAKER_01]: It definitely, I think that's gutless really, and the funny thing is, I think most teenagers are really good at ignoring that. 16:36.039 --> 16:39.461 [SPEAKER_01]: You might get a sensitive teenage daughter to respond to that. 16:39.541 --> 16:45.125 [SPEAKER_01]: I think a lot of boys are really good at, you know, sucks to be you and then just goes on. 16:45.865 --> 16:46.126 [SPEAKER_01]: But, 16:47.064 --> 16:52.908 [SPEAKER_01]: Um, yeah, I think that, um, two other examples that are kind of common in communication problems. 16:53.108 --> 16:56.090 [SPEAKER_01]: One is yelling, and more than just voice tone. 16:56.110 --> 17:10.539 [SPEAKER_01]: We talked about when you are, um, using the, the volume and intensity of your voice as a kind of consequence, you can get away with it through adulthood, but I not very long 17:16.242 --> 17:28.531 [SPEAKER_01]: because her husband had taken her son down, I guess, flipped him through him to the ground, and he had reported it, and arguments like, well, he wasn't listening to me. 17:29.446 --> 17:31.667 [SPEAKER_01]: just in our culture doesn't work. 17:31.767 --> 17:35.890 [SPEAKER_01]: It's silly to have a social work on your doorstep. 17:36.350 --> 17:37.891 [SPEAKER_01]: So that's just part of the reality. 17:38.091 --> 17:39.852 [SPEAKER_01]: And again, you don't need to. 17:40.212 --> 17:46.456 [SPEAKER_01]: If you're yelling and angry, it just proves to your teenager what they kind of think all along, you're a bully. 17:48.217 --> 18:02.917 [SPEAKER_01]: practice going backward the other way using the consequence rather than the yelling and then the other one of course the speechmaking that is a common one speeches are so helpful to the speech maker. 18:04.158 --> 18:14.703 [SPEAKER_01]: I've talked about that all the time, even my own children have said, on this podcast that they remember that I made speeches, they don't remember anything I said in the speech, that's just reduced words. 18:15.424 --> 18:26.409 [SPEAKER_01]: So if you think seriously about your own voice and what your words are, then what we're talking about is number one, make sure that you expect to be heard, don't 18:27.269 --> 18:46.581 [SPEAKER_01]: talk in casual ways yelling from across the house that you'll later think well maybe he couldn't hear me then don't don't say it go and find them but then number two in a way that you can feel confident that if they say later I didn't hear you you can confidently say well that's not my problem I was right there. 18:47.202 --> 18:59.944 [SPEAKER_01]: and you didn't hear, that's the video game, you know, example, and then use your words that aren't trying to also be a punishment in themselves at a consequence, you know, instead with very calm words. 19:01.017 --> 19:02.557 [SPEAKER_00]: All right, very helpful. 19:02.677 --> 19:05.038 [SPEAKER_00]: So we're going into summer as we just talked about. 19:05.078 --> 19:12.079 [SPEAKER_00]: And so there's a couple things that are going to drive us crazy with our kids, our teens in particular, but all ages. 19:12.159 --> 19:14.059 [SPEAKER_00]: So let's just run through these. 19:14.119 --> 19:18.240 [SPEAKER_00]: As we're talking about using our words in a way that's effective. 19:18.300 --> 19:23.641 [SPEAKER_00]: Disrespectfulness, talking back, being whatever it is. 19:23.781 --> 19:28.862 [SPEAKER_00]: Even maybe we've got emails before from parents who were like, my kid won't stop calling me bruh. 19:30.532 --> 19:31.672 [SPEAKER_00]: Which actually doesn't bother me. 19:31.712 --> 19:36.776 [SPEAKER_00]: It makes me laugh that everyone has their things, but Disrespectfulness. 19:37.537 --> 19:40.199 [SPEAKER_00]: That's a big place where I like to give a good lecture. 19:40.219 --> 19:41.279 [SPEAKER_00]: You're better than that. 19:41.640 --> 19:44.542 [SPEAKER_00]: That's not how we do things That's not the hand-off weight. 19:44.602 --> 19:50.806 [SPEAKER_00]: I'm a good at that lecture, but what's the give us the right way to do that when are we going to have a Yann-off weight part? 19:50.866 --> 19:55.190 [SPEAKER_00]: Yeah, yeah, that and a boy leads you right to a Mike's deal wouldn't it? 19:55.550 --> 19:57.531 [SPEAKER_00]: Yeah, right to a podcast with Dr. Ken's. 19:57.631 --> 19:58.552 [SPEAKER_00]: I think I like the 19:58.612 --> 19:58.892 [SPEAKER_01]: that. 19:58.972 --> 20:08.339 [SPEAKER_01]: We didn't have a will-guess way, because so much of my dad's family were kind of loony, so we didn't really call it a will-guess way. 20:08.379 --> 20:09.720 [SPEAKER_01]: Love them, love my family. 20:09.940 --> 20:10.661 [SPEAKER_00]: Oh, you're great. 20:10.721 --> 20:12.002 [SPEAKER_00]: Yeah, what about this respectfulness? 20:12.042 --> 20:13.383 [SPEAKER_00]: How do we use words well with that? 20:13.403 --> 20:15.424 [SPEAKER_00]: If our kids repeatedly being disrespectful? 20:16.405 --> 20:19.868 [SPEAKER_01]: Well, there's two things for that, as we mentioned the book. 20:20.048 --> 20:27.793 [SPEAKER_01]: You really need to differentiate between words that you're hearing that are disrespectful to you and your office as a parent, 20:29.108 --> 20:39.918 [SPEAKER_01]: perfectly reasonable to expect that to be enforced versus words that are actually just a teenager who feels safe enough to be honestly telling you that they're angry about a thing. 20:40.699 --> 20:46.244 [SPEAKER_01]: So someone who, you know, I've always given the example, if you're a teenager, it's called this is ridiculous. 20:46.304 --> 20:49.527 [SPEAKER_01]: I'm the only, everyone will be there and I can't be there. 20:49.547 --> 20:50.328 [SPEAKER_01]: This is typical. 20:50.368 --> 20:52.931 [SPEAKER_01]: I'm never able to, that's an angry teenager. 20:53.411 --> 20:56.372 [SPEAKER_01]: But I would argue that is not a disrespectful teenager. 20:56.912 --> 21:00.534 [SPEAKER_01]: I think where they draw the line is the teenager says, you guys are stupid. 21:00.874 --> 21:03.935 [SPEAKER_01]: Nobody, uh, yeah, I think that's a name call. 21:03.975 --> 21:04.876 [SPEAKER_01]: You call this a name. 21:05.296 --> 21:07.296 [SPEAKER_01]: And this is done better if you're calm, calm. 21:08.097 --> 21:10.758 [SPEAKER_01]: You know, we already put on the list disrespect. 21:11.338 --> 21:12.919 [SPEAKER_01]: would include name calling. 21:13.419 --> 21:14.840 [SPEAKER_01]: It would include threats. 21:15.480 --> 21:18.561 [SPEAKER_01]: It would include, um, yelling is tricky. 21:18.861 --> 21:22.583 [SPEAKER_01]: If you're married, you know how hard it is when you tell your spouse stop yelling. 21:22.603 --> 21:23.223 [SPEAKER_01]: I'm not yelling. 21:23.523 --> 21:27.785 [SPEAKER_01]: So you can put yelling on there with one warning, maybe or whatever. 21:28.225 --> 21:33.968 [SPEAKER_01]: But other than that, most other things, if you're not cursing calling me names and threatening me, 21:34.888 --> 21:40.876 [SPEAKER_01]: It's almost, I always think of the example how you would talk to a boss that is your boss, but you're still pretty close. 21:41.657 --> 21:45.342 [SPEAKER_01]: And there's just, there's a line you can't cross, but you're still open. 21:46.203 --> 21:51.951 [SPEAKER_01]: But if they do that, you know, I don't care how angry you are, you just called me that name that I won't even repeat. 21:52.972 --> 21:54.774 [SPEAKER_01]: You lost a dollar or five dollars. 21:54.794 --> 22:17.269 [SPEAKER_01]: We've already told you that costs you see and that should be also be a consequence That you'll pull the trigger on so your words will have meaning If they're just respectful and it triggers you what you're getting at is that's not it It is ineffective to just be very loud and angry or make a speech with it because they don't listen and it's safer than what would be much harder Which is oh 22:17.849 --> 22:20.394 [SPEAKER_01]: Wow that was a freely angry thing you just said. 22:20.815 --> 22:21.877 [SPEAKER_01]: You lost 10 bucks. 22:22.318 --> 22:23.159 [SPEAKER_01]: Do you want to calm down? 22:23.199 --> 22:23.580 [SPEAKER_01]: Come back. 22:23.640 --> 22:28.389 [SPEAKER_01]: You know that is much scarier And because those words mean something. 22:28.870 --> 22:29.050 [SPEAKER_00]: Okay 22:29.760 --> 22:32.702 [SPEAKER_00]: Next one that's gonna drive as crazy is the messes. 22:32.982 --> 22:53.353 [SPEAKER_00]: All the messes, all the things, the food and the rooms are the, the, the, the little this morning, I picked up three hats, like ball caps, three, I don't know why three are sitting on our kitchen island, but there's three of them by the same child, not a child, by the same young adult, but things like that, just the messes, the stuff scattered everywhere, all of that, that's another one that, 22:53.854 --> 22:54.675 [SPEAKER_00]: drives this crazy. 22:54.715 --> 22:58.219 [SPEAKER_00]: Give us what's what's not powerful communication. 22:58.840 --> 23:00.001 [SPEAKER_00]: For me, I pick it up a lot. 23:00.021 --> 23:01.583 [SPEAKER_00]: That's not helpful. 23:01.663 --> 23:01.964 [SPEAKER_00]: Yes. 23:02.204 --> 23:03.626 [SPEAKER_00]: For them, but talk to us about that. 23:03.786 --> 23:04.287 [SPEAKER_00]: Help us walk out. 23:04.307 --> 23:09.894 [SPEAKER_01]: So remember that the person doing the reminding, hey, you need to get these off the counter. 23:10.475 --> 23:11.816 [SPEAKER_01]: Is the person responsible? 23:12.457 --> 23:23.184 [SPEAKER_01]: so don't be giving or my specialty to an older teenager like when we're talking about uh... in that case if they've not graduated from high school yet then it's perfectly reasonable to be saying 23:25.242 --> 23:38.093 [SPEAKER_01]: But whatever time you've said, like at the end of the day, there were still three hats and your shoes were in the, these things that were outside of your room, which was one of our rules. 23:38.673 --> 23:42.236 [SPEAKER_01]: And so you've lost $15 or you've lost an hour. 23:42.356 --> 23:45.799 [SPEAKER_01]: Now, what's hard is that if you're talking about a senior in high school, 23:47.274 --> 24:14.616 [SPEAKER_01]: just about to graduate that's tricky business and after they've graduated I would recommend you not do that anymore that's a different issue and those are the words that are more like I don't want to have to keep reminding you to do stuff that any adult should be doing and so we need to you want to gently let them know that after they've graduated high school you're here by invitation this isn't your home like you are a five year old that needs that security this is a place 24:16.417 --> 24:24.580 [SPEAKER_01]: but if this kind of stuff keeps building and you keep thinking that you're still at eight-year-old here, then it may be better that you find a different place to live. 24:25.320 --> 24:34.343 [SPEAKER_01]: You'll hear that, you know, this is the third time I think that I've said in calm words, something that's, that's a little rough kind of, is it sound that way? 24:35.163 --> 24:37.223 [SPEAKER_00]: Yeah, find some also live, felt rough, yeah. 24:38.104 --> 24:41.725 [SPEAKER_01]: But find a good place, a fun place, but not here. 24:43.233 --> 25:01.621 [SPEAKER_00]: Dr. Wilgus has a room, okay, what about the other things, sibling robbery stuff, the fighting, the, and you know what, it's been my experience and this maybe is for everybody, but just talking to a lot of people over the years, there's usually one, if you have, you know, we're three or more gathered in your children typically, but even two or more, there's usually the one that's the picker. 25:02.301 --> 25:07.245 [SPEAKER_00]: And it's not always the oldest one, but there's the one that just messes with the dynamic over and over and over. 25:08.026 --> 25:08.967 [SPEAKER_00]: And so what about that? 25:09.067 --> 25:10.748 [SPEAKER_00]: And that's something like, leave your brother alone. 25:10.908 --> 25:11.509 [SPEAKER_00]: Please under that. 25:11.669 --> 25:12.610 [SPEAKER_00]: You know he doesn't like that. 25:12.950 --> 25:13.991 [SPEAKER_00]: You need to stop doing it. 25:14.011 --> 25:15.432 [SPEAKER_00]: I don't want to tell you again, don't you? 25:15.933 --> 25:16.133 [SPEAKER_00]: Right. 25:16.153 --> 25:16.393 [SPEAKER_00]: Right. 25:16.413 --> 25:16.933 [SPEAKER_01]: Good example. 25:17.454 --> 25:23.739 [SPEAKER_01]: If you have children, I think it's good that you have the rule that you must respect your siblings. 25:24.460 --> 25:29.824 [SPEAKER_01]: But then all of the only trick there is to define it, you know, like, because you'll always 25:31.625 --> 25:40.649 [SPEAKER_01]: I didn't he said at first I didn't whatever that's for children and in most parents can figure that out as to because you need to be consistent in the consequences there. 25:40.929 --> 25:46.892 [SPEAKER_01]: With teenagers like everything else I don't recommend that you do heavy involvement you shouldn't be having. 25:47.613 --> 26:03.834 [SPEAKER_01]: to repeatedly tell a 15-year-old boy not to smack around his 10-year-old brother, or, you know, that is queuing the 15-year-old that you're still 10 and very often 15-year-olds will take that cue and act like they're 10. 26:04.615 --> 26:23.997 [SPEAKER_01]: So, in that case, if it's something actually physically harmful, I'd say in any case, you would stop whatever's happening and take the teenager aside, and this may happen several times, but it would become an ongoing discussion of, I don't know what to do, you're too old for this, and you keep dealing with your brother. 26:24.818 --> 26:42.765 [SPEAKER_01]: like this or your sister in this way and I don't want to be giving you consequences because you know better and you know we've talked about this before you really want to emphasize the impact they have on their siblings because they don't usually think about that so your first wave of intervention is really 26:43.385 --> 27:08.695 [SPEAKER_01]: to try and talk and get some insight on your teenagers part of isn't there some part of you that's embarrassed that you let him get to you you're your five years older what is your problem but if need be then yeah the easiest one is they're going at each other and one of them curses and you say oh I heard that you're not policing it's not the same as hey he called me a whatever well I'm sure that's you can handle it it's I 27:13.257 --> 27:20.001 [SPEAKER_01]: But again, with teenagers, it's a good example of you should have talks that you expect to be heard. 27:20.621 --> 27:30.807 [SPEAKER_01]: Those won't be long speeches, but a real seeking insight about I am concerned that you are now this old and you still don't seem to realize the how important. 27:31.647 --> 27:33.568 [SPEAKER_01]: how you handle these younger siblings are. 27:33.649 --> 27:36.430 [SPEAKER_01]: That's something to be treated with respect. 27:36.550 --> 27:41.674 [SPEAKER_01]: It really is a common problem when parents just treat the whole bunch like the same thing. 27:42.134 --> 27:47.117 [SPEAKER_01]: And now I've got this senior and, you know, he's grounded because he said something mean about his brother. 27:47.317 --> 27:51.060 [SPEAKER_01]: Wait, wait, that's that's way different age groups. 27:51.509 --> 27:51.709 [SPEAKER_00]: Yeah. 27:52.189 --> 27:52.530 [SPEAKER_00]: All right. 27:52.630 --> 27:56.011 [SPEAKER_00]: And then mid-level consequences, so we're bringing stormy consequences. 27:56.571 --> 28:00.253 [SPEAKER_00]: Um, I, money, finances, hit, hit, hit more hurts. 28:00.293 --> 28:07.697 [SPEAKER_00]: The finances, uh, screen time I would think, um, going out, doing things with their friends, something they have planned. 28:08.357 --> 28:10.039 [SPEAKER_00]: Um, any other ones that kind of mind for you? 28:10.059 --> 28:15.884 [SPEAKER_01]: You don't want to be stuck in the cold war of car and phone is all I got or sometimes just phone. 28:16.364 --> 28:19.367 [SPEAKER_01]: So you want to get good at what's on the list. 28:19.407 --> 28:24.171 [SPEAKER_01]: Remember what's on your expectations list is not the only things you can give consequences for. 28:24.752 --> 28:31.578 [SPEAKER_01]: So what we're talking about is the art of having two or three medium-range missiles in your back pocket. 28:32.198 --> 28:32.958 [SPEAKER_01]: just as needed. 28:32.998 --> 28:37.740 [SPEAKER_01]: That would be depending upon your kids income level, five bucks for something. 28:40.160 --> 28:45.542 [SPEAKER_01]: An hour off of video games are phone not completely the next day, but maybe an hour. 28:46.022 --> 28:50.864 [SPEAKER_01]: Certainly an hour earlier on phone is pretty painful for most teenagers. 28:50.924 --> 28:55.225 [SPEAKER_01]: So again, you want to be careful that if you say, you know, you lost your phone for a week. 28:55.825 --> 28:57.906 [SPEAKER_01]: very likely you won't follow through with that. 28:58.266 --> 29:06.951 [SPEAKER_01]: So you want a medium consequence of something that you're ready to hand out calmly, but it's one that's at the level you'll really do it. 29:07.131 --> 29:11.393 [SPEAKER_01]: Like, instead of phone going on the charger at 930 tomorrow, it'll be 830. 29:11.713 --> 29:14.254 [SPEAKER_01]: And if I keep hearing that stuff going on, it'll be 730. 29:14.294 --> 29:16.075 [SPEAKER_01]: Come on, do pull yourself together. 29:17.079 --> 29:22.303 [SPEAKER_00]: And for the love of all that's good, please don't give a consequence when you're not going to be there later. 29:22.623 --> 29:27.527 [SPEAKER_00]: This is a big win in our house when my precious husband has grounded our kids from TV in the summer. 29:27.767 --> 29:28.528 [SPEAKER_00]: I'm sorry. 29:28.548 --> 29:30.489 [SPEAKER_01]: I have heard that much. 29:30.889 --> 29:31.990 [SPEAKER_00]: What just happened here? 29:32.650 --> 29:34.031 [SPEAKER_00]: It's going to work tomorrow. 29:34.051 --> 29:34.572 [SPEAKER_00]: So yes. 29:34.872 --> 29:38.575 [SPEAKER_01]: I'm leaving town, but you guys cannot leave your room until I get back. 29:38.696 --> 29:40.197 [SPEAKER_00]: Yes, it's good luck with that. 29:40.277 --> 29:40.637 [SPEAKER_00]: Oh, great. 29:41.318 --> 29:46.162 [SPEAKER_00]: And is there ever an occasion where it's appropriate to raise your voice with your kids? 29:46.202 --> 29:48.384 [SPEAKER_00]: Is that ever effective with your team? 29:48.404 --> 29:50.306 [SPEAKER_01]: Again, I'm glad you, now you knew where I was going. 29:50.486 --> 29:51.627 [SPEAKER_01]: Is it ever effective? 29:52.748 --> 30:07.684 [SPEAKER_01]: I would not say it's never effective if your house is on fire feel free, but it's more a matter of what, you know, what we talked about today, what really registers in my teenager's hearing and most of the time 30:08.625 --> 30:14.851 [SPEAKER_01]: a comb voice, especially when one would have expected upset is more effective. 30:14.991 --> 30:17.914 [SPEAKER_01]: So usually it's better to try not to it. 30:18.014 --> 30:28.404 [SPEAKER_01]: You might think I told her my children had this really good kindergarten teacher that one of the her tricks was, as her class got louder and louder, she got quieter and quieter to where she was almost whispering. 30:29.761 --> 30:32.222 [SPEAKER_00]: Yeah, I mean, I think we've a lot of us as moms have felt that too. 30:32.242 --> 30:35.223 [SPEAKER_00]: Like with a baby, when you're newborn screaming, you don't get louder than them. 30:35.483 --> 30:36.644 [SPEAKER_00]: You get quiet, it was burn. 30:36.744 --> 30:40.545 [SPEAKER_00]: You know, and they dial it back down very naturally. 30:40.625 --> 30:44.487 [SPEAKER_01]: So, yeah, again, to the parent this listening to us going, well, that's easy for you to say. 30:44.507 --> 30:45.807 [SPEAKER_01]: My kid never does what I say. 30:46.167 --> 30:53.010 [SPEAKER_01]: Remember, very often, if you're losing your cool, it's because you're not actually giving consequences like you should. 30:53.030 --> 30:54.590 [SPEAKER_00]: All right. 30:55.191 --> 30:56.051 [SPEAKER_00]: All right, it's a good word. 30:56.091 --> 30:56.871 [SPEAKER_00]: Going into summer. 30:56.931 --> 30:58.652 [SPEAKER_00]: Thank you, Dr. Can, we appreciate it. 30:58.930 --> 30:59.664 [SPEAKER_01]: Thanks, Cynthia.