[SPEAKER_00]: He's like, a brother, a much harder cause his wife when he wants to, you know, do things.
[SPEAKER_00]: So he consults his wife, talks to his wife, he's, he's, him and then his wife are very close.
[SPEAKER_00]: They do things together.
[SPEAKER_00]: So if you tell him, actually, can he, tomorrow, unless we're going to go out and shut up, we're going to do something together.
[SPEAKER_00]: Because he, you know, I want to, you know, tell my wife what's going to happen and I'm going to inform her.
[SPEAKER_00]: I might not do that, but you like doing that?
[SPEAKER_00]: with your wife.
[SPEAKER_00]: I say to you, what?
[SPEAKER_00]: The karaoke you're thinking.
[SPEAKER_00]: You shouldn't be doing that.
[SPEAKER_00]: Zachary, you don't tell these women.
[SPEAKER_00]: What to do?
[SPEAKER_00]: Or what you're going to do?
[SPEAKER_00]: Hide it.
[SPEAKER_00]: Can see it.
[SPEAKER_00]: Don't tell them.
[SPEAKER_00]: Now, this is a problem.
[SPEAKER_00]: I give an example.
[SPEAKER_00]: There was a sister.
[SPEAKER_00]: She got married.
[SPEAKER_00]: And when she got married, she didn't want to have children.
[SPEAKER_00]: So I don't want to have children.
[SPEAKER_00]: And I don't want to have kids.
[SPEAKER_00]: I'm not going to have kids.
[SPEAKER_00]: Now, is it right?
[SPEAKER_00]: Is it wrong?
[SPEAKER_00]: Should she have or should she have?
[SPEAKER_00]: This is not a point.
[SPEAKER_00]: The point is the story.
[SPEAKER_00]: I just want to focus on something.
[SPEAKER_00]: So then the sister, she took preventative to prevent herself from having children.
[SPEAKER_00]: She didn't tell her husband.
[SPEAKER_00]: Again, is it right as a wrong?
[SPEAKER_00]: That's not the point.
[SPEAKER_00]: I'm not focusing on that.
[SPEAKER_00]: She got married.
[SPEAKER_00]: She did this.
[SPEAKER_00]: The husband found that later.
[SPEAKER_00]: When did he feel betrayed?
[SPEAKER_00]: He felt betrayed.
[SPEAKER_00]: He sat with her.
[SPEAKER_00]: He said, why did you do this?
[SPEAKER_00]: She's saying I want to spend time with you.
[SPEAKER_00]: As I've had an experience through my sister.
[SPEAKER_00]: So I've lived this experience through my sister.
[SPEAKER_00]: Meaning she got married.
[SPEAKER_00]: And her husband, as soon as she got married, she got pregnant and then she never ended up having time with him and child after child was born and they never bonded.
[SPEAKER_00]: And that caused between the two of them because they straightaway she had a child, it caused a what a bridge.
[SPEAKER_00]: So she said, that was my reason.
[SPEAKER_00]: It was out of love for him.
[SPEAKER_00]: It's not because I didn't want to have kids for him.
[SPEAKER_00]: So I wanted to get to know him.
[SPEAKER_00]: I wanted to fly with him.
[SPEAKER_00]: I wanted to travel with him.
[SPEAKER_00]: When he goes, I want to go to that country.
[SPEAKER_00]: I'm going with him.
[SPEAKER_00]: If I children, I want to get that opportunity.
[SPEAKER_00]: Now, right or wrong, he believes that she's doing it because she doesn't want to have his kids.
[SPEAKER_00]: He, she's saying, I honestly will like what I have his kids, but I love him so much.
[SPEAKER_00]: I want to the point I'm coming to is she's her action right or wrong.
[SPEAKER_00]: It's not my point.
[SPEAKER_00]: My point is he doesn't know that this is why she did it and she doesn't understand that he fills this way because of
[SPEAKER_00]: So a lot of the times what tends to happen, a lot of the times, is that the brother is blind-sighted by method and the girls appearance, the way she looks.
[SPEAKER_00]: So what that tends to do is, and we're weak as human beings, and what the sips into the heart is what the eyes see.
[SPEAKER_00]: So you walk it down, so you see the girl and your mind boggled.
[SPEAKER_00]: So I've smacked.
[SPEAKER_00]: It's a lost of words.
[SPEAKER_00]: Sit down.
[SPEAKER_00]: Now, ever she's saying or other constitution that you guys are having and you're not even listening.
[SPEAKER_00]: You're like this is going to be the wife.
[SPEAKER_00]: I'm married.
[SPEAKER_00]: You're already married.
[SPEAKER_00]: Ah, you're thinking about the diary.
[SPEAKER_00]: I'll give her whatever she wants.
[SPEAKER_00]: Whatever whole she wants me to marry her, and I'm going to do it.
[SPEAKER_00]: You're already signing any contract such.
[SPEAKER_00]: That's put in front of you.
[SPEAKER_00]: And that's a problem.
[SPEAKER_00]: Because now what you've done is you've only focused on one of the four things that the prophet mentioned, Tumkah remarked actually out of by a woman.
[SPEAKER_00]: It's married for one of four reasons.
[SPEAKER_00]: Alimadiya, Alijamadiya, Alidiniya, Alidiniya, Alidiniya, Alidiniya, Alidiniya, Alidiniya, Alidiniya, Alidiniya, Alidiniya, Alidiniya, Alidiniya, Alidiniya, Alidiniya, Alidiniya, Alidiniya, Alidiniya, Alidiniya, Alidiniya, Alidiniya, Alidiniya, Alidiniya, Alidiniya, Alidiniya, Alidiniya, Alidiniya, Alidiniya, Alidiniya, Alidiniya, Alidiniya, Alidiniya, Alidiniya, Alidiniya, Alidiniya, Alidiniya, Alidiniya, Alidiniya, Alidiniya, Alidiniya, Alidiniya, Alidiniya, Alidiniya, Alidiniya, Alid
[SPEAKER_00]: and the opposite is true.
[SPEAKER_00]: The woman marries a guy she's attracted to.
[SPEAKER_00]: But that shouldn't blind you from the rest.
[SPEAKER_00]: I need to look at the rest, like I need to look at what is her religion like and I need to focus on that.
[SPEAKER_00]: If you're not doing that and you're not looking at her clock and you're not looking at her religion and you're just blinded by her looks, then later you're going to regret it because what's going to happen is you're going to get married and then you're married for a while and then as you're human being,
[SPEAKER_00]: Even you, the way what you saw as beauty yesterday, you might not see it to be beauty today, so you lose interest in that woman that you chose because of beauty.
[SPEAKER_00]: And now she feels like you don't want her anymore, but all the Achlach and everything is not.
[SPEAKER_00]: And the truth, the opposite is truth.
[SPEAKER_00]: I don't want to just bash the sisters or just point my fingers at the sisters.
[SPEAKER_00]: Brother's side as well.
[SPEAKER_00]: This is the marries the brother because of how he looks and that he's He's in the gym.
[SPEAKER_00]: He doesn't have to get up in the gym for that.
[SPEAKER_00]: Because of the marries for that.
[SPEAKER_00]: And so she comes in and he's much a lot longer.
[SPEAKER_00]: He looks this way and she sees him and that's it.
[SPEAKER_00]: She's happy.
[SPEAKER_00]: She's just I'm definitely not getting married.
[SPEAKER_00]: He's 646.
[SPEAKER_00]: He is this, he's strength is this and this and that.
[SPEAKER_00]: So she's automatically, she's really given in whatever he's saying to her, whatever disrespect he might throw at her, it's because of how he looks.
[SPEAKER_00]: So these things are one of the reasons why later it comes up.
[SPEAKER_00]: These problems, you know, the things that one addressed now being addressed.
[SPEAKER_00]: So the Sheikh or the Imam looks at the
[SPEAKER_00]: the two and says, these things weren't they not addressed before you got married?
[SPEAKER_00]: Why do you guys not talk about it before?
[SPEAKER_00]: Another reason why I feel like conflicts happened is because expectations like where each person expects from a marriage, I think there's this flawed belief of what marriage should be like.
[SPEAKER_00]: Yeah, movies, social media, conversations that people have setting unrealistic measures, violent unrealistic goals like this, how man has to be this and has to be this and has to be this.
[SPEAKER_00]: Even the brother, he's setting criterias and things that I don't
[SPEAKER_00]: So what happens is when the brother gets married he's set in these goals for this girl You have to be this you have to do this for me.
[SPEAKER_00]: You have to be like this and now like this and if she is falling short in certain things He's like my right arm is so yeah You know that she's gonna sometimes not listen to you for it.
[SPEAKER_00]: There's times which she's gonna disobey you There's times when she doesn't want to hear what you have to say
[SPEAKER_00]: It's time she's gonna know your phone calls.
[SPEAKER_00]: We're not saying that's a good thing But that's marriage.
[SPEAKER_00]: That's what happens people differ disagree arguments boys are raised The wife if you don't have that belief and you think it has to be a hundred percent perfect if she does if I tell her stand up And I tell her jump and she doesn't say to me how high man his woman is arc She's a disobedient woman and I'm gonna get married again and I'm gonna let her go
[SPEAKER_00]: I mean, that doesn't work.
[SPEAKER_00]: There are moments when, of course, you're not going to get the best out of your wife.
[SPEAKER_00]: And that's the times, of course, the time of the month, what do you want when she's pregnant?
[SPEAKER_00]: These are times when a man really needs to, but his tongue, his lip, rather don't argue, don't say anything.
[SPEAKER_00]: Be quiet.
[SPEAKER_00]: Just at this moment, you don't, don't, don't, no inputs.
[SPEAKER_00]: Just let it be.
[SPEAKER_00]: Why?
[SPEAKER_00]: Because this time, she's not.
[SPEAKER_00]: deliberately choosing to do what she's doing or she's not deliberately saying what she's saying to you.
[SPEAKER_00]: By logic you have to understand her body what you're going through and what she's this is a moment where you have to tap her and say look I'm not going to argue with you you're right I'm wrong and help her.
[SPEAKER_00]: It's just a few days anyways and you're not going to do that.
[SPEAKER_00]: it's a few days and after that she'll laugh with you and say, why did I say that?
[SPEAKER_00]: Why did this happen?
[SPEAKER_00]: I shouldn't have said that to you.
[SPEAKER_00]: I shouldn't have done this to you.
[SPEAKER_00]: That's why the Prophet ﷺ had it.
[SPEAKER_00]: He mentioned that if you marry and you marry a wife and you see in her things that it doesn't please you, you don't like this trait about her.
[SPEAKER_00]: then what you need to remember is she has an ocean of good.
[SPEAKER_00]: You know the fact that a brother can come up to you and say to you, Imam, my wife, she has this problem and this problem and this problem and this problem and this problem.
[SPEAKER_00]: And then I say, only five years, he goes, yeah, I'm like, okay, only five.
[SPEAKER_00]: And you'd be married for how long, 15?
[SPEAKER_00]: Well, she's a good wife.
[SPEAKER_00]: Yeah, and the woman, the lady, told her father, said, Jaya, Kuruha, Kafal, Mar, Ilubul, and then to add them to my evil.
[SPEAKER_00]: And who's perfect?
[SPEAKER_00]: There's nobody perfect, right?
[SPEAKER_00]: So the fact that you can count your wife's mistakes is what?
[SPEAKER_00]: Is it silent that she's got a lot of good or a lot of barbaric?
[SPEAKER_00]: So, no one's perfect here.
[SPEAKER_00]: No husband is perfect.
[SPEAKER_00]: The island that you're going to and you're talking to the student of knowledge you're asking a question to none of them are perfect.
[SPEAKER_00]: There's a lot of mistakes and shortcomings that they have, and now our wives are hiding those mistakes for us on the concealing of us, so they look at the ocean of other goods that we might have in Shala, and they're in Shala ta'ala for giving us because of that.
[SPEAKER_00]: So the brother has to understand that this woman that you're marrying, actually, Karin, she is not perfect.
[SPEAKER_00]: No, are you perfect?
[SPEAKER_00]: And it is with that imperfection that you see perfection in her.
[SPEAKER_00]: Your imperfections are my perfection.
[SPEAKER_00]: I need what you lack is what I wanted you for and if you marry a sister And that sister she literally becomes everything that you wanted.
[SPEAKER_00]: Is she she or is she you you just want yourself basically
[SPEAKER_00]: You have to let her, this is what makes who she is right.
[SPEAKER_00]: And the same is with the sister.
[SPEAKER_00]: This brother, yes, he might not be this, he might not have this, he might not have this sister.
[SPEAKER_00]: But he has this and he has this and he has this and he has this and he has this and he has this and he has this and he has this and so look, this one, this is really having unrealistic expectations in marriage is what destroys a lot of marriages, a lot of marriages.
[SPEAKER_00]: Another thing is communication.
[SPEAKER_00]: People don't talk.
[SPEAKER_00]: So what is that?
[SPEAKER_00]: You can when marriage problems are brought.
[SPEAKER_00]: What do you do?
[SPEAKER_00]: The imam just makes them both of them talk.
[SPEAKER_00]: That's what I do.
[SPEAKER_00]: I get the husband and wife to talk.
[SPEAKER_00]: And I let them just say what they won't want to say.
[SPEAKER_00]: And you will find out that they actually haven't been saying these things to each other properly.
[SPEAKER_00]: They haven't been communicating.
[SPEAKER_00]: Actually they were filling the blanks.
[SPEAKER_00]: So the wife is actually saying, yeah, he doesn't, you know, when he came into the house, he didn't say, he said, I'm out of here to me.
[SPEAKER_00]: The reason why he didn't say, I'm out of here to me is because he hates me.
[SPEAKER_00]: And he doesn't, she filled that gap.
[SPEAKER_00]: He on the other hand is saying, I called the twice yesterday.
[SPEAKER_00]: She didn't become, she's deliberately, no, you added the word deliberately.
[SPEAKER_00]: She's deliberately choosing not to pick up my phone call.
[SPEAKER_00]: No, you added deliberately.
[SPEAKER_00]: And so people start feeling the gaps.
[SPEAKER_00]: And start making up their own chain of events.
[SPEAKER_00]: And there's a concept in psychology that we say,
[SPEAKER_00]: and keep revisiting it again and again and again and again so you contaminate it.
[SPEAKER_00]: You change it.
[SPEAKER_00]: The event that, how it was, because you keep visiting going back to it again and again, you will contaminate it.
[SPEAKER_00]: It's like a crime scene.
[SPEAKER_00]: You don't go to the crime scene and touch it.
[SPEAKER_00]: It's left, no one goes to it.
[SPEAKER_00]: So memory will happen straight.
[SPEAKER_00]: So people when they go back and keep playing that event again, certain things will not there and start adding to it.
[SPEAKER_00]: So anyways, that's what happens in lack of communications.
[SPEAKER_00]: And then for example, I give an example, there was a sister, she got married, and when she got married, she didn't want to have children.
[SPEAKER_00]: So I don't want to have children.
[SPEAKER_00]: And I don't want to have kids.
[SPEAKER_00]: I'm not going to have kids.
[SPEAKER_00]: Now is it right?
[SPEAKER_00]: Is it wrong?
[SPEAKER_00]: She had or she had, this is what point in the point is the story.
[SPEAKER_00]: I just want to focus on something.
[SPEAKER_00]: So then the sister, she took preventative to prevent herself from having children.
[SPEAKER_00]: Now she didn't tell us, but
[SPEAKER_00]: Again, is it right as a wrong?
[SPEAKER_00]: That's not the point.
[SPEAKER_00]: I'm not focusing on that.
[SPEAKER_00]: She got married.
[SPEAKER_00]: She did this.
[SPEAKER_00]: The husband found that later.
[SPEAKER_00]: Where did he feel betrayed?
[SPEAKER_00]: He felt betrayed.
[SPEAKER_00]: He sat with us and why did you do this?
[SPEAKER_00]: She's saved.
[SPEAKER_00]: I want to spend time with you.
[SPEAKER_00]: As I've had an experience through my sister.
[SPEAKER_00]: So I've lived to experience through my sister.
[SPEAKER_00]: Meaning, she got married and her husband,
[SPEAKER_00]: As soon as she got married, she got pregnant, and then she never ended up having time with him, and Child after child was born and they never bonded and that caused between the two of them because they straightaway She had a child it caused a what a bridge So she said that was my reason.
[SPEAKER_00]: It was out of love for him It's not because I didn't want to have kids for him because I wanted to get to know him I wanted to fly with him.
[SPEAKER_00]: I wanted to travel with him when he goes.
[SPEAKER_00]: I want to go to a country I'm going with him if I children I want to get that opportunity
[SPEAKER_00]: Now, right or wrong, he believes that she's doing it because she doesn't want to have his kids.
[SPEAKER_00]: He, she's saying, I honestly will like one of his kids, but I love him so much.
[SPEAKER_00]: I want to point out I'm coming to his, she's, her action right or wrong.
[SPEAKER_00]: It's not my point.
[SPEAKER_00]: My point is he doesn't know that this is why she did it.
[SPEAKER_00]: And she doesn't understand that he fills this way because of, he fills this way because of a, she doesn't understand.
[SPEAKER_00]: She's like, why if I'm telling, so that there's a, they're not communicating.
[SPEAKER_00]: The multiple examples like that.
[SPEAKER_00]: where two parties there's the absence of communication so they have a reason of why they did it is that reason why is it wrong besides the point again but you have to hear the person's reason to understand it in order to deal with it and it changes perspectives.
[SPEAKER_00]: If you now know that a woman took that contraception you still feel upset because I was wondering do you have my children but okay you want to spend more time in me I feel different versus if you did it because you don't
[SPEAKER_00]: Did you see the difference?
[SPEAKER_00]: Each situation would call for different response.
[SPEAKER_00]: So communication is very cool.
[SPEAKER_00]: So that's why marriage conflicts, the way to get it is to allow the two parties to talk.
[SPEAKER_00]: And then each person to listen, not here, but listen to each other.
[SPEAKER_00]: And that's why edible El Muhaidetta, doing a course on how to listen and hear each other's points is very, very well needed.
[SPEAKER_00]: It really resolves so much problems.
[SPEAKER_00]: And there's one for you other points.
[SPEAKER_00]: I think it's like a lot of people leave each other and that is comparing your marriage to another person's marriage And this is this is very dangerous.
[SPEAKER_00]: I married me and my wife are happy with each other Our marriage is it works like this.
[SPEAKER_00]: It's amazing the way that it is There is nothing between us other than love But you the career might have another way you and your wife deal with each other.
[SPEAKER_00]: I come
[SPEAKER_00]: And I say to you, you know, is a idea?
[SPEAKER_00]: You should be doing things like this with your wife.
[SPEAKER_00]: Why?
[SPEAKER_00]: Because this is not how I do it with my wife, and then I start whispering to you, and your family, your wife, you destroyed only because I'm giving you measures or expectations or explanations, which are not, you know,
[SPEAKER_00]: And a lot of these decisions that you and your wife are making together or that you guys are both doing It's it's not how long it's called.
[SPEAKER_00]: I don't know them customs.
[SPEAKER_00]: How you guys like doing it together It works for you much armor, but that shouldn't be because it worked for you It's gonna work for Zikini and his wife because you guys might not like doing it like that.
[SPEAKER_00]: Do you understand?
[SPEAKER_00]: And so this time this destroys a lot of marriages like this so you start saying mmm
[SPEAKER_00]: I look up to Abdulrahman, he's my friend, he's my teacher, he's a man, you know what I'm actually going to implement this advice that he gave me and you go home and you try to implement it and then it destroys everything that you built.
[SPEAKER_00]: So now, if it is something shot on from a religious perspective, I tell you, this is wrong.
[SPEAKER_00]: You shouldn't be doing this in your household.
[SPEAKER_00]: From a religious perspective, two things have to be there.
[SPEAKER_00]: I have to be a person of authority to say that.
[SPEAKER_00]: Meaning, it's not any random person can say that.
[SPEAKER_00]: My person has to have knowledge in order to say, this is shot on and wrong what you're doing.
[SPEAKER_00]: And secondly, that person should say in a way that doesn't cause the marriage to end, he should bring solutions and how they can deal with it and etc.
[SPEAKER_00]: But my daughter to the times you're hearing advice is like, a brother, much of a causes wife when he wants to do things.
[SPEAKER_00]: So he consults his wife, talks to his wife, he's hearing it with his wife, a very close.
[SPEAKER_00]: They do things together.
[SPEAKER_00]: So if you tell him actually, can he tomorrow or unless we're going to go out and shout out, we're going to do something together.
[SPEAKER_00]: Because he'll say, you know, I want to tell my wife what's going to happen and I'm going to inform her.
[SPEAKER_00]: I might not do that, but you like doing that?
[SPEAKER_00]: with your wife?
[SPEAKER_00]: I say to you, what?
[SPEAKER_00]: Is that Keriya, what are you thinking?
[SPEAKER_00]: You shouldn't be doing that?
[SPEAKER_00]: Zachary, you don't tell these women what to do.
[SPEAKER_00]: Oh, what you're going to do?
[SPEAKER_00]: Hide it, can see it.
[SPEAKER_00]: Don't tell them.
[SPEAKER_00]: Now, this is a problem.
[SPEAKER_00]: They say you whipped.
[SPEAKER_00]: And so now Zikariya goes to his wife and says, I'm not going to tell you where I'm going.
[SPEAKER_00]: So, because, I'm not going to say that I'm going to do that.
[SPEAKER_00]: Why do I have to do it?
[SPEAKER_00]: Whether that, that's subjective.
[SPEAKER_00]: If you want to do that and it works for your marriage, if I need a man, what a great thing.
[SPEAKER_00]: If another brother doesn't tell his wife and it works for him, if I need a man, you want to, like, as the authorities that this is object subjective, what works for you doesn't necessarily work for this person and what works for that person, I might not work for this person.
[SPEAKER_00]: A lot of marriages they crumble because of that.