[SPEAKER_00]: If you are in a season of change right now and your relationship feels strained, you are not alone.
[SPEAKER_02]: And more importantly, you're not stuck there.
[SPEAKER_00]: Because transitions don't just create disconnection, they actually can create moments of strengthening your relationship, like you wouldn't believe.
[SPEAKER_02]: But only if you know how to navigate them.
[SPEAKER_00]: So in this episode, we are going to walk you through on how to navigate transitions as a team.
[SPEAKER_00]: Not an eye, not a you, a we.
[SPEAKER_00]: From understanding your patterns to communicating what's really going on underneath and creating connection even when life feels uncertain because the goal isn't about avoiding change.
[SPEAKER_02]: It's to learn how to stay connected through it.
[SPEAKER_00]: Hello all and welcome to the Relationship Innovation podcast.
[SPEAKER_02]: I'm Tara Kerwin and my name is EJ Kerwin and we are transitioning into transitions part two last week we talked about
[SPEAKER_02]: You know, what are transitions?
[SPEAKER_02]: Like, you know, what are these moments that, instead of pulling us together in our relationship, pull us apart, we named them.
[SPEAKER_02]: You know, we named a lot of common transitions couples go through.
[SPEAKER_02]: We talked about
[SPEAKER_02]: Why?
[SPEAKER_02]: Even if these are good transitions because a lot of these are like really wonderful transitions bringing a new person into your life a new job moving someplace fun new and exciting But why it is that it pulls us apart and then the the subtle things that are activated during transition that lead to very common fractures so
[SPEAKER_02]: If you're just tuning in for the first time today or you missed that episode, definitely head on back to transitions part one to kind of create the framework because today we're in solution phase, you know, we're talking about how couples can stay connected through change.
[SPEAKER_00]: from the me, to the you, to the us.
[SPEAKER_00]: And we're rocking our transitions lately just to let you know.
[SPEAKER_00]: So the tools that we discuss, they actually work.
[SPEAKER_02]: We're using them right now.
[SPEAKER_02]: We are transitioning our business into a new building, which is super exciting, it's classy, it's cool, but it's a transition.
[SPEAKER_02]: And we do transitions differently.
[SPEAKER_02]: And we're working towards sort of optimizing that and being mindful.
[SPEAKER_00]: So today we're just gonna do five tools on how to start to navigate transitions together.
[SPEAKER_00]: And we feel like, I don't know, I just feel like that's more simple.
[SPEAKER_00]: And I love that we're breaking this up into a two-part series, like the first piece like understanding why we lose each other and ourselves in transitions and then the second one is, right?
[SPEAKER_00]: How do we repair that and really get on the same page?
[SPEAKER_02]: And I think this is an important one.
[SPEAKER_02]: like when we go through these five tools right and everybody loves that you know whether they're in a coaching session or they're listening to a podcast they like like actionable steps right and so we we're gonna give them to you and lay them out you can write them down you know you can look at the show notes they're gonna be in there but I think it's important
[SPEAKER_02]: that the five tools can be used as you're approaching a transition right as like as like hey we know we have this thing coming up and from now on we're going to use these five tools you can also use these five tools to reflect back.
[SPEAKER_02]: on how you've navigated transitions in the past maybe why it's created disruption in your relationships.
[SPEAKER_02]: I feel like it's their multipurpose tools.
[SPEAKER_00]: I like that.
[SPEAKER_00]: Alright, first tool.
[SPEAKER_00]: Tool number one.
[SPEAKER_00]: Name the transition out loud.
[SPEAKER_00]: Some of us won't even think of like
[SPEAKER_00]: minor transitions as being a transitions, but you want to be able to name it like for example.
[SPEAKER_00]: I think I talked about this in the part one, like my car broke down when I was driving home from Anaheim from our daughter's chair conference, so I got home a day later, but I was able to recognize like, wow, missing an entire day of work and like coaching clients and emails, like that creates significant anxiety for me.
[SPEAKER_00]: If I wouldn't have had that, I would have come into the office the next day, felt overwhelmed, been more kind of flipping and dismissive towards you.
[SPEAKER_00]: It just would, I understand my own anxiety.
[SPEAKER_00]: So the first one is just like naming the transition out loud, whether it's for you or for both of you.
[SPEAKER_02]: Yeah, because that is one of the major problems that we identified about transitions in the first episode is that you just kind of go into this phase, this change.
[SPEAKER_02]: You don't talk about the fact that it's coming, that you're going to go into it, and then so you're both sort of running on your own systems.
[SPEAKER_02]: So if you can look at, you know, hey, we have this thing coming up this summer, and it's going to be a transition for us.
[SPEAKER_02]: what the transition is, right?
[SPEAKER_02]: We talked about this last time, is I'm transitioning, this is the first time that I've not been in Maine for the summer in 20 years, like really almost all of our relationship.
[SPEAKER_02]: That's gonna be a big transition.
[SPEAKER_02]: It's important that now here, the month before it happens, that Tara and I name it, we say, this is a transition, let's just put it on the table that it's happening.
[SPEAKER_02]: That is the number one tool in orienting the two of you together.
[SPEAKER_00]: Name the transition.
[SPEAKER_00]: There's many of them.
[SPEAKER_00]: Oh, we're new parents.
[SPEAKER_00]: Oh, we just got pregnant.
[SPEAKER_00]: Oh, my gosh.
[SPEAKER_00]: We just became newly engaged.
[SPEAKER_00]: Wow.
[SPEAKER_00]: I'm starting a new business.
[SPEAKER_00]: While one of us decided to become a stay at home parent while we just had a significant loss or a loss of a loved one.
[SPEAKER_00]: Like there's so many different types of transitions name it get really good and naming it.
[SPEAKER_02]: and then it leads to the second tool.
[SPEAKER_02]: So you've named it.
[SPEAKER_02]: You know what it is.
[SPEAKER_02]: This is about to happen.
[SPEAKER_02]: Then each of you have the opportunity to share what your emotional experience is of it.
[SPEAKER_02]: And this is where it gets, can be more tricky for one partner than the other, right?
[SPEAKER_02]: Like in this transition I have coming up.
[SPEAKER_02]: I've been talking a lot to you about a sense of loss.
[SPEAKER_02]: and a sense of identity shift, right, so then you know actually where I'm coming from.
[SPEAKER_00]: And it makes me know to be even extra supportive because I'm already so, so supportive of you, but for me it's like I might not have like feelings the way you're feeling around that transition, but I know that I have feelings of wanting to support you because you're being transparent with your feelings around your transition.
[SPEAKER_00]: So it could be an individual transition, and the partner is in on it, so now they can be in the supportive compassionate place, but that it plays.
[SPEAKER_02]: I mean, because imagine, I wish I would have had this sort of insight how many years ago, 15 or so years ago, imagine if I had said terror, like you're about to transition into being a step-perne.
[SPEAKER_02]: What's that like for you?
[SPEAKER_02]: I never asked that question.
[SPEAKER_02]: You spent decade, hopefully not a full decade.
[SPEAKER_02]: Maybe close to it, trying to help me understand what that was.
[SPEAKER_02]: And if I would have said of context up for that transition very early, it would have changed many things.
[SPEAKER_00]: So many, I mean, and I'm thinking about just about, I think we did a podcast a few weeks ago with Casey and her husband around their pregnancy losses.
[SPEAKER_00]: That that's such a huge transition and we don't see it.
[SPEAKER_00]: We see people be like, oh, well, you can try again.
[SPEAKER_00]: And it's like, so you kind of just like, you know, almost like numb out this huge transition that just happened because of societal, I mean, again, there's, I could get into it, and then this could be a to our part.
[SPEAKER_02]: And if Tara is open about her emotional experience about a transition coming up.
[SPEAKER_00]: Yeah, like I was like anxiety around our move to the new building.
[SPEAKER_02]: And if I'm curious about it, we are instantaneously
[SPEAKER_00]: Can I also say, like, this is because we can a lot of people emailing us about this, like, even if you're like newly dating or you're together for a while, but like you decide you want to start having more like girlfriend nights or guy friend nights and you're going out without your partner.
[SPEAKER_00]: That is a transition.
[SPEAKER_00]: Now so many couples don't discuss it.
[SPEAKER_00]: And so then now like jealousy starts to become an issue and like, oh my gosh, why are you being so overprotected or controlling?
[SPEAKER_00]: because they didn't talk about, like, hey, what would it be like if I started to incorporate like a girl's night once every month?
[SPEAKER_00]: Because I feel like I really need that.
[SPEAKER_00]: And so it just happens without being talked about.
[SPEAKER_00]: So the other person feels side-sweights just like what just happened.
[SPEAKER_02]: And it can be spurned for all kinds of different things.
[SPEAKER_02]: Like, so say we become empty nusters, right?
[SPEAKER_02]: And that's a transition and we name it and then Tara says, well, I think I'm going to be lonely without the kids so I'd really I really want to make sure that I'm spending more time with friends and then if we didn't have that discussion I might be like, why is Tara suddenly not around the house as much as she used to be so incredibly important
[SPEAKER_02]: To both name the transition, also share each other's emotional experience, and then this leads naturally to to sharing, to knowing, to understanding what are each of your patterns during a time of transition.
[SPEAKER_00]: mind is anxious, mind is avoidant, right?
[SPEAKER_00]: And it's not we're not saying change them because they are naturally a part of our adaptations, becoming aware of it so that you can support each other in it.
[SPEAKER_00]: Like I don't want you crawling into your turtle shell, E.J.
[SPEAKER_00]: I want you to stay here with me.
[SPEAKER_00]: So how can I do that?
[SPEAKER_00]: How can I support you and like staying present with me?
[SPEAKER_00]: And for my anxiety, so we don't go back into disruptive patterns.
[SPEAKER_02]: Flo and the same thing goes for Tara in a time of transition.
[SPEAKER_02]: She said the transitions make her anxious.
[SPEAKER_02]: And she goes into one of her adaptive behaviors around that she gets very organized and wants to have a list.
[SPEAKER_02]: And then wants to make sure we're checking things off.
[SPEAKER_00]: Love it.
[SPEAKER_02]: If I'm not aware of that, if we haven't talked about it, you'll feel controlled.
[SPEAKER_02]: I'm going to feel controlled.
[SPEAKER_02]: I might just feel like
[SPEAKER_02]: I can make one manage to cast it out.
[SPEAKER_02]: Well, I feel like my commandage, I definitely might feel like my friend.
[SPEAKER_02]: No, I might just not be supportive of that.
[SPEAKER_02]: I might be disruptive to that.
[SPEAKER_02]: And that's again, where those fractures settle in.
[SPEAKER_02]: So you want to know each other's patterns during transition in general, but also specifically to this transition.
[SPEAKER_00]: So here's one that just came of us for talking.
[SPEAKER_00]: This is so like, I'm just becoming aware of it.
[SPEAKER_00]: Like, you know how we put up like three or four Christmas trees in our house at the holiday season.
[SPEAKER_00]: And I always want everyone to be a part of it.
[SPEAKER_00]: And we like put on music.
[SPEAKER_02]: The transition to Christmas is very important at our house.
[SPEAKER_00]: and then like I want everyone to like help decorate yet I'm like controlling among where things go on the tree.
[SPEAKER_00]: So then I don't think I make it fun for our kids.
[SPEAKER_00]: And so then they like end up like not doing it and then like although I'm the one that created that like egg shell pattern, I'm also like
[SPEAKER_00]: How come you guys aren't helping me decorate the tree?
[SPEAKER_00]: So I am aware that this holiday season, when we go into it in like six months, I'm going to be chill, foxman, whatever, wherever you want to put that.
[SPEAKER_00]: If you want to put the tree tap on the bottom, it's cool.
[SPEAKER_00]: I might move it later, but I won't tell anybody.
[SPEAKER_02]: Well, and then also you want it to be super jolly, too, but like, yeah, all of us are sort of bracing.
[SPEAKER_02]: It's like, oh gosh, she's gonna put up Christmas this weekend.
[SPEAKER_00]: See, so like, I just became aware of that.
[SPEAKER_00]: I don't know why I just popped out of nowhere, but I love that I'm aware of that now, because I can change it.
[SPEAKER_00]: So like, it'll keep happening, like, oh, I didn't even realize, like, that's what I was doing.
[SPEAKER_00]: And so the more you kind of start to think about, like, what are the transitions?
[SPEAKER_00]: Like, little transitions, bigger transitions, and how do I function?
[SPEAKER_00]: Yeah.
[SPEAKER_02]: you actually skated right into the fourth tool.
[SPEAKER_02]: And that is, reflect on past successes and struggles during transitions.
[SPEAKER_02]: Look back to the past.
[SPEAKER_02]: You guys can all do this today.
[SPEAKER_02]: You can say like, man, I listen to this podcast about transitions big and small.
[SPEAKER_02]: I know what they are.
[SPEAKER_02]: Like, let's talk about how we actually
[SPEAKER_02]: deal with them.
[SPEAKER_02]: You know, like another one is like, this is a very small transition, but when we transition into having guests over the house, Tara has a certain way in which she reacts to it.
[SPEAKER_02]: And I abreacted to it forever because I didn't see it as a transition.
[SPEAKER_02]: And I just kind of would get, you know, I would feel controlled.
[SPEAKER_02]: I would feel micromanage and I've realized now, like, oh, that's a big transition for like the house and our readiness for it and even our connection throughout the party, the transitioning from just us around the house to a group of people over the house.
[SPEAKER_02]: Like, I need to reflect on ways that we succeed and we struggle during those times.
[SPEAKER_00]: Yeah.
[SPEAKER_00]: Well, it kind of again, that kind of bleeds into the fifth one, but like creating intentional connection rituals, because right when you were talking about that, I was like, oh, what about that transition from just leaving and coming home to each other?
[SPEAKER_00]: That is a transition you are leaving the house, you're leaving each other's proximity and you're coming home and a lot of people aren't mindful of it.
[SPEAKER_00]: Right, and like we're we still are working on this together, but like when I come home every day I know that our golden retriever puppy who's almost a year old is going to come up and she is going to hug me and she's going to hold on to my leg until she's willing to let go imagine if that's what we did with each other.
[SPEAKER_02]: I can't even get in there now because the dog's eating dog's hugging you.
[SPEAKER_00]: But even like a connection ritual rather before you leave, not the drive by kiss, not the drive by hug.
[SPEAKER_00]: Like, hey, we're about to separate.
[SPEAKER_00]: I really want you to have a good date, well, not for us, because we're constantly together.
[SPEAKER_00]: for a lot of other people who aren't working side-by-side within six feet every each other 24-7.
[SPEAKER_00]: It's like, how do we say goodbye in a way that feels really good and how do we create that?
[SPEAKER_00]: That's why we do our little daily check-ins our intentions for the day and then how do we come back into each other's presence?
[SPEAKER_00]: That happens every day, you could actually start there because it is a transition.
[SPEAKER_00]: Now you can create this intentional
[SPEAKER_00]: connection, and then from there start talking about all the other transitions, smaller or bigger, and how you can create some connection around that and talk about S.A.A.V.
[SPEAKER_00]: instead of a URI and I.
[SPEAKER_00]: And understand each other better around what your own individual transitions are like.
[SPEAKER_02]: Okay, so we went through the five tools, right there.
[SPEAKER_02]: Their name, the transition, share your internal emotional experience, know your patterns during transitions, reflect on past successes and struggles, and then create intentional connecting rituals during times of transition.
[SPEAKER_02]: Because again, it's moving away from the me and the you and the I.
[SPEAKER_02]: into the we, right?
[SPEAKER_02]: Now we just want to talk about there's like a general blanket.
[SPEAKER_02]: We want to put over all of this and that involves regulation, right?
[SPEAKER_02]: It's because we don't want to become reactive in times of transition, right?
[SPEAKER_02]: We want to be on the same page, we want to be supportive of what's happening internally for each other.
[SPEAKER_02]: And so it fades kind of into that fifth one a little bit.
[SPEAKER_02]: Is it the more you stay connected, the more you regulate together, the more likely you're going to feel supportive of one another in a time of transition.
[SPEAKER_00]: It's why we do like in our relationship renovation model and the at home on Amazon, like one of the first, I think it's like exercise five, is like your daily check-ins like creating a check-in that feels good for both of you.
[SPEAKER_00]: Even if it only takes five minutes because it starts to build this connecting piece where then you get a lay of the other person's emotional landscape and like you have some sense of idea and you're not going into your stories or assuming what might be happening.
[SPEAKER_02]: So now we want to give you three common mistakes at times of transition.
[SPEAKER_00]: Just three.
[SPEAKER_02]: Just three.
[SPEAKER_00]: There's like a thousand of them.
[SPEAKER_02]: The first is ignoring that there's a transition happening.
[SPEAKER_02]: It's pretending like everything's just normal.
[SPEAKER_02]: Even though we've been doing it this way for however many years, now we're doing it different and we're just gonna kind of move forward.
[SPEAKER_02]: We're not gonna acknowledge it.
[SPEAKER_02]: And what that leads to is a second mistake, which is if we do that, we go into autopilot.
[SPEAKER_00]: Yeah.
[SPEAKER_02]: We're just acting instinctively instead of intentionally.
[SPEAKER_02]: And that, and that's really the sort of, again, the...
[SPEAKER_02]: So true.
[SPEAKER_02]: What we're over-waying all of this is we want to identify transitions, and we want to be very intentional during transitions.
[SPEAKER_00]: Yeah, I was just thinking about like that drive home from us from our office to their house.
[SPEAKER_00]: It's like not intentional.
[SPEAKER_00]: It's like I could just do it.
[SPEAKER_00]: Probably blindfolded, but we don't want to show up like that in our relationships.
[SPEAKER_00]: But because we see each other all the time in our daily life is pretty predictable.
[SPEAKER_00]: We can easily go on autopilot.
[SPEAKER_00]: So we miss all of those ways of connecting during all those different transitions, whether a bigger small.
[SPEAKER_02]: And the third common mistake is when our partner is having some stress related to the transition when we personalize it.
[SPEAKER_02]: You know, if our partner is a little more stressed out, maybe a little more checked out that we take it personally.
[SPEAKER_02]: Like it must be a reflection on me, it must be a reflection on their care for me, how much they love me.
[SPEAKER_02]: And if we can instead just recognize it as like,
[SPEAKER_00]: Honey, I see that we're going through this together and it seems to be hard on you like I want to know more like what's happening And that only does that help like what the two of you navigating transitions you could take a row From where we're stuck from childhood because again we go through everybody's like China Graham in individual time line up until when they met to really understand what their coping skills are like and their regulation senses and
[SPEAKER_00]: what their modeling was like and then at the at home manual like you couples ask each other like gosh it's probably a lot but like what was it like from zero to 10 and 10 to 18 and then like early adulthood it's like we actually get to grow because we get stuck in these stages which is why we react and we get triggered.
[SPEAKER_00]: Triggers are unprocessed information in our body.
[SPEAKER_00]: that we want to let go of.
[SPEAKER_00]: And so many of us are still reactive in triggered states.
[SPEAKER_00]: And we don't deserve that.
[SPEAKER_00]: Like we want to move through this together.
[SPEAKER_00]: Like we are each others teachers.
[SPEAKER_00]: So the triggers, the hijacked reactivity during transitions, like opportunities to learn although very uncomfortable.
[SPEAKER_00]: And so I do think this is going to be like new, like for a lot of people, like they don't think of transitions as like just leaving each other for the day.
[SPEAKER_00]: Or, gosh, I'm sick for two days, so I haven't been able to go to the gym or like, I've just been sitting watching TV, which is fun for me for a day, but then I'm like, ha!
[SPEAKER_00]: I'm such a cup of tea, like I start to judge myself, right?
[SPEAKER_00]: So I just feel like having this conversation with your loved one, with your partner is going to be so eye-opening, and like you guys know we're here to answer questions, clarify more, like we love it.
[SPEAKER_00]: And so we want to know what it's like when you do have this conversation around the transitions, like what was that transition like?
[SPEAKER_02]: And so if you're really interested in interacting with us more about this subject or any other subject we've hit in our, you know, 270 odd episodes, then join our free Patreon group, right?
[SPEAKER_02]: Because we give tips of the day in there.
[SPEAKER_02]: There's opportunities to just throw up questions.
[SPEAKER_02]: We have a live that we do once a month where you can jump in and ask questions or you can post questions you want us to address during them.
[SPEAKER_02]: Join that Patreon.
[SPEAKER_02]: It's in the show notes.
[SPEAKER_02]: It's an easy way to be supported on pretty much a daily basis from us.
[SPEAKER_02]: And so if you've listened to this episode,
[SPEAKER_02]: And you've noticed, like, wow, we do struggle with transitions.
[SPEAKER_02]: Know that you're not failing, right?
[SPEAKER_02]: You're not failing as a couple.
[SPEAKER_02]: You're just adapting without intentionality.
[SPEAKER_02]: And use those five tools we gave you, have an awareness of the three mistakes that we identify and begin to adapt intentionally together.
[SPEAKER_00]: Yes.
[SPEAKER_00]: And if you're curious about any of the upcoming events we have or our Patreon community, there's a link to our link tree in our podcast show notes.
[SPEAKER_00]: And we have our upcoming Sedona's retreat in October.
[SPEAKER_00]: We have our in-person community, premarital workshop in July.
[SPEAKER_00]: But lots of fun things happening.
[SPEAKER_00]: And so you can always just like click that one link in it shows all of like, oh, EJ's men's group.
[SPEAKER_00]: There's just so much.
[SPEAKER_00]: So you can just like click on the
[SPEAKER_02]: Absolutely.
[SPEAKER_02]: And please do us a favor, subscribe if you haven't already.
[SPEAKER_02]: Give us a rating, leave a review.
[SPEAKER_02]: I mean, it is incredibly helpful in spreading this sort of, you know, approach to relationship that we know will enrich people's lives when they hear it.
[SPEAKER_00]: Yeah, and if you have any ideas topics, you would like us to talk about on our podcast.
[SPEAKER_00]: We love it.
[SPEAKER_00]: We love doing that.
[SPEAKER_00]: Thank you so much for listening us always.
[SPEAKER_00]: Take care of yourself.
[SPEAKER_00]: Take care of each other.
[SPEAKER_00]: Take care of those transitions.
[SPEAKER_01]: Bye-bye.