WEBVTT 00:00.031 --> 00:05.518 [SPEAKER_00]: Some of you may know about this New York Times article that was published on December 17, 2006. 00:05.719 --> 00:12.648 [SPEAKER_00]: It was an article called Questions, Couples Should Ask, or which they had asked before marrying. 00:13.850 --> 00:17.334 [SPEAKER_00]: And it covers these value-oriented topics. 00:18.816 --> 00:20.499 [SPEAKER_00]: Number one, bringing up children. 00:20.539 --> 00:26.747 [SPEAKER_00]: Number two, financial obligations and goals, spending and saving habits. 00:26.997 --> 00:30.341 [SPEAKER_00]: Number three, how the household is going to be run. 00:30.401 --> 00:34.145 [SPEAKER_00]: Number four, spiritual beliefs and needs. 00:34.726 --> 00:38.731 [SPEAKER_00]: Number five, religious and moral education for children. 00:39.431 --> 00:42.295 [SPEAKER_00]: Number six, boundaries within laws. 00:42.896 --> 00:44.898 [SPEAKER_00]: Number seven, where to live. 00:45.479 --> 00:48.482 [SPEAKER_00]: And number eight, commitment to the marriage. 00:50.032 --> 00:59.423 [SPEAKER_00]: Now, I read about a couple who broke up after two years of being together because they realized that the only thing we had in common was that we liked Chinese food. 01:00.064 --> 01:05.451 [SPEAKER_00]: So what you have to know is that interests are different from values and goals. 01:05.871 --> 01:12.900 [SPEAKER_00]: You can share interests, but if values and goals aren't aligned, the relationship is not going to work. 01:13.120 --> 01:15.803 [SPEAKER_00]: And I've had people ask me this, they say, I'm 01:16.475 --> 01:20.962 [SPEAKER_00]: I'm not that attracted to the person, but I like all these other qualities about him or her. 01:21.022 --> 01:21.643 [SPEAKER_00]: What do you think? 01:24.047 --> 01:27.833 [SPEAKER_00]: Sounds rough, but the criteria is, you guys, that you shouldn't be repulsed. 01:28.615 --> 01:29.316 [SPEAKER_00]: That's what it is. 01:29.997 --> 01:36.387 [SPEAKER_00]: If you find somebody painful to look at, then that's a problem, and you should be walking away. 01:36.768 --> 01:39.833 [SPEAKER_00]: But everybody else should be given a chance. 01:41.669 --> 01:47.775 [SPEAKER_00]: love causes you to see even the most average looking person as attractive. 01:48.035 --> 01:49.457 [SPEAKER_00]: That's what happens over time. 01:50.237 --> 02:02.709 [SPEAKER_00]: And an anecdote that I'll share with you is during this a courtship phase, there was a man who liked everything about a woman that he was considering, but there was one thing he couldn't get past. 02:02.729 --> 02:11.558 [SPEAKER_00]: He thought she had a very, very large nose and it turned him off and it bothered him. 02:11.842 --> 02:28.482 [SPEAKER_00]: Even though there were all these other things she brought to the table that he really appreciated and he ended up being honest with her and sharing that that was something that bothered him and she actually told him that she was willing to get a nose job to get her nose fixed because she liked a bunch of qualities about him. 02:28.962 --> 02:41.697 [SPEAKER_00]: And so she said if this is the only thing standing in the way and if it's that important to you, I'm willing to get a nose job. 02:43.246 --> 02:53.882 [SPEAKER_00]: You know, they ended up courting and getting engaged and getting married and one thing continued after the other, they ended up having one child, they ended up having two children. 02:53.942 --> 02:56.225 [SPEAKER_00]: She never really got around to the nose job. 02:56.626 --> 03:11.228 [SPEAKER_00]: Finally, when things settle down a little bit, she ended up scheduling an appointment with the doctor and she let her husband know that, oh, by the way, I've scheduled a consultation 03:11.714 --> 03:14.578 [SPEAKER_00]: nose job and he said, what are you talking about? 03:15.059 --> 03:16.882 [SPEAKER_00]: Don't you dare touch your nose? 03:17.102 --> 03:20.207 [SPEAKER_00]: I love your nose and I love everything about you, right? 03:20.487 --> 03:25.254 [SPEAKER_00]: That's what happened when he got to know her and love her for who she is. 03:25.615 --> 03:28.639 [SPEAKER_00]: The nose no longer matters to him. 03:29.501 --> 03:33.527 [SPEAKER_00]: Okay, so you wanna be aware of something called the bulldozer phenomenon. 03:33.747 --> 03:35.089 [SPEAKER_00]: It's a misconception. 03:35.525 --> 03:37.727 [SPEAKER_00]: where a person thinks I can change them. 03:38.388 --> 03:44.374 [SPEAKER_00]: They go into the relationship thinking that they're going to change everything that they don't like about their partner. 03:44.954 --> 03:50.299 [SPEAKER_00]: Now, some people are fine with their partner having worked done or making changes. 03:50.600 --> 03:58.407 [SPEAKER_00]: I knew of a man who had a very specific idea of how he wanted his wife to look and his wife went along with it. 03:58.647 --> 04:02.511 [SPEAKER_00]: She made a lot of changes to how she looks based 04:02.862 --> 04:06.507 [SPEAKER_00]: what her husband wanted, and she's happy, he's happy, it worked for them. 04:07.228 --> 04:13.536 [SPEAKER_00]: But generally, you have to be happy with how your partner looks in general. 04:16.160 --> 04:18.322 [SPEAKER_00]: Now, small tweaks are acceptable. 04:18.383 --> 04:28.075 [SPEAKER_00]: You can develop your fashion sense, you can get braces, you can lose a few pounds, you can change your hairstyle, but these have to be your partner's decisions. 04:28.416 --> 04:31.620 [SPEAKER_00]: They can't be your decisions. 04:32.005 --> 04:33.929 [SPEAKER_00]: don't care about other people. 04:34.029 --> 04:37.175 [SPEAKER_00]: They're only fixated on their own agendas. 04:37.936 --> 04:40.160 [SPEAKER_00]: So you want to watch for red flags. 04:40.401 --> 04:48.836 [SPEAKER_00]: If somebody starts making suggestions about what you should change about yourself early on, that's probably a problem. 04:49.678 --> 04:50.419 [SPEAKER_00]: And women 04:50.737 --> 04:53.660 [SPEAKER_00]: are known for improving and tweaking things. 04:53.720 --> 05:03.589 [SPEAKER_00]: That's why, if you know a bachelor, and you see his home after he's married, generally you'll see that he and his apartment have gone through a number of improvements, right? 05:04.130 --> 05:11.157 [SPEAKER_00]: And this is something that should be respected and cherished and honored about women that they are always looking to appreciate things. 05:11.537 --> 05:14.660 [SPEAKER_00]: But they're always looking to improve things, Smashallah. 05:15.161 --> 05:19.765 [SPEAKER_00]: But there is a difference, you guys, 05:20.065 --> 05:23.865 [SPEAKER_00]: and attempting a complete overhaul on another person.