[SPEAKER_00]: Welcome to Sexology, a podcast that untangles the science of sex and pleasure.
[SPEAKER_00]: And now, with this week's episode, your host, Clinical Psychologist, Dr. Naseneen Moali.
[SPEAKER_01]: Welcome back to another episode of the Sexology podcast.
[SPEAKER_01]: I'm your host, Dr. Naseneen Moali.
[SPEAKER_01]: And today we're talking about something a lot of people want to feel more confident about.
[SPEAKER_01]: But don't always know how to talk about oral sex.
[SPEAKER_01]: For many people, it's not a lack of desire, it's a lack of confidence.
[SPEAKER_01]: Thoughts like, am I doing a try?
[SPEAKER_01]: Do I look awkward?
[SPEAKER_01]: What if I'm not good at it?
[SPEAKER_01]: Can completely pull you out of the moment?
[SPEAKER_01]: So in today's episode, we're getting practical.
[SPEAKER_01]: We're talking about how to get out of your head and into your body, how to pace yourself.
[SPEAKER_01]: So it fills connected rather than performative.
[SPEAKER_01]: And how to navigate communication, especially when there is feedback, expectations, or even a little bit of resentment underneath the surface.
[SPEAKER_01]: I'm joined by Sienna Sinclair, an award-winning author and certified sex coach who brings a really empowering, confident, space approach to sexuality.
[SPEAKER_01]: She shares simple step-by-step ways to approach oral sex that feels grounded, tuned and actually enjoyable for both partners.
[SPEAKER_01]: And if this is an area you want to build more confidence in, we create the workshop with three of my wonderful colleagues, Dr. Taran, Nikolata Heidegger, and Agas from Girl Boener.
[SPEAKER_01]: And the cost of the workshop is literally the cost of a coffee, where we talk through how to get into your body, communicate your desire with your partner in a sexy way,
[SPEAKER_01]: and understand your erotic mind.
[SPEAKER_01]: It's practical, if approachable, and designed for real-life couples.
[SPEAKER_01]: You can actually watch it with your partner and have a great time.
[SPEAKER_01]: You can find the link to it in the show notes.
[SPEAKER_01]: Alright, let's dive in!
[SPEAKER_01]: And know there, we'll come back to another episode of this ex-ology podcast.
[SPEAKER_01]: I am so excited to welcome Sienna.
[SPEAKER_01]: Singler to our show.
[SPEAKER_01]: Sienna, welcome to our show.
[SPEAKER_01]: Thank you so much for having me.
[SPEAKER_01]: My pleasure.
[SPEAKER_01]: We're going to talk about blow jobs or all sex.
[SPEAKER_01]: That's one of those topics that many people have.
[SPEAKER_01]: Questions about it?
[SPEAKER_01]: hours of masterclass on how to do it.
[SPEAKER_01]: And I see many people in my practice.
[SPEAKER_01]: They feel really self conscious about it.
[SPEAKER_01]: They have some mental blocks around it around this.
[SPEAKER_01]: So can you tell us a little bit about like what do you hear about people's on challenges they have when it comes to oral sex?
[SPEAKER_05]: I think for women, it's more just, I mean, for both people, they want to please, you know, their partner.
[SPEAKER_05]: Or for men, I feel like it's more of an ego saying, or a lot of men say like, oh, I know what to do, but I always tell men that I feel like a lot of men, what they did on one partner, and what that partner said, maybe they were faking it, and they said, oh yeah, that really worked for me.
[SPEAKER_05]: They carried on to the next partner,
[SPEAKER_05]: And I feel like a lot of people do that when it comes to oral sex, they take what they learned on one person because that person said it was amazing that they had an orgasm.
[SPEAKER_05]: And then they used on the next person, they keep using on next person without ever learning.
[SPEAKER_05]: And that's the experience that I've had.
[SPEAKER_05]: I had this one guy who we met out and he was talking about how he was so great at oral sex.
[SPEAKER_05]: And I was thinking, okay, yeah, sure, whatever I've
[SPEAKER_05]: And I wasn't going to go home with him, even though he was gorgeous, it has nothing to do with looks, it has to do with like how we get along and he said, listen, I'm going to make this bet with you because he's thinking like she's in a love what I do.
[SPEAKER_05]: And, you know, I want to sleep with this woman, even though she says, I'm not, and if I do it, then she'll sleep with me.
[SPEAKER_05]: So it said, okay, what's the bet?
[SPEAKER_05]: He said, if we go home, I'll go down on you.
[SPEAKER_05]: And if it's amazing, then we'll have sex.
[SPEAKER_05]: If it's not, I'll simply walk away.
[SPEAKER_05]: And I said, okay, I'm always up for challenge.
[SPEAKER_05]: So we go back to my place and he goes down on me and it wasn't me going, I'm going to say he's bad just to say he's bad.
[SPEAKER_05]: I really wasn't into it.
[SPEAKER_05]: I noticed that he was really into what worked on other people.
[SPEAKER_05]: He wasn't catering to me or what I thought, you know, what I wanted because we're all different down there, whether it's men or women.
[SPEAKER_05]: And when he was done, I simply said,
[SPEAKER_05]: No, it wasn't that great.
[SPEAKER_05]: He got up and he did what he said he wasn't going to do.
[SPEAKER_05]: He said, okay, thank you.
[SPEAKER_05]: He walked out.
[SPEAKER_05]: But I just, I just thought it was really hilarious.
[SPEAKER_05]: But the thing about oral sex is, I do have a video on YouTube that I posted.
[SPEAKER_05]: It ended up getting 10 million views one time.
[SPEAKER_05]: Wow.
[SPEAKER_05]: By YouTube channel got taken down because, you know, it was a little too naughty.
[SPEAKER_05]: So I posted it back up and I think it only has 100,000 views now and never kind of got to that
[SPEAKER_05]: But it's all about, because a blow job is not just or going down on somebody, female or male, it's not just about going down.
[SPEAKER_05]: I feel like you can turn it into an art.
[SPEAKER_05]: You have your hands.
[SPEAKER_05]: I always say your hands are your best friends.
[SPEAKER_05]: When it comes to blow jobs, especially if someone is pushing your head, or you have a small mouth, or they're a little big, or just kind of even if you're the female and you're leading your partner to where you kind of want to go,
[SPEAKER_05]: So, you know, some people you could be rubbing their head and when they hit the spot, you could do like a nice little tap or even listen into their moans or something.
[SPEAKER_05]: But I have learned, I mean, I've been with a lot of people, men and women.
[SPEAKER_05]: And I always say, I've been really shocked at what I've learned.
[SPEAKER_05]: There's this one guy.
[SPEAKER_05]: And this is why I say, you don't know anybody, you shouldn't judge anybody, no, no penises of the same, no vaginas of the same.
[SPEAKER_05]: But this one guy, he had been injured.
[SPEAKER_05]: And I think football and he was now in 30s and something with his back.
[SPEAKER_05]: So when he got hard, he didn't have a lot of feeling.
[SPEAKER_05]: And he liked it when you bit really hard.
[SPEAKER_05]: It's like a scraping
[SPEAKER_05]: And into other people when I tell that story, they're like, oh man, that's gross.
[SPEAKER_05]: I would never do that, but it's like, it's not gross, you know, because he had something wrong with him.
[SPEAKER_05]: And that's what he liked and that's what he got off on.
[SPEAKER_05]: So everyone's different.
[SPEAKER_05]: I just think it's very important to talk to the person and listen to them.
[SPEAKER_01]: absolutely, you know, as you were talking about everyone's different.
[SPEAKER_01]: I was thinking about like tremendous, like couple, couple things, like don't use teeth, be gentle, and make eye contact.
[SPEAKER_01]: And you immediately said, like, he likes biting, biting, biting, biting.
[SPEAKER_05]: But he wanted me to use T. He's the one I ever been with.
[SPEAKER_05]: I said use T, and it was like, it was a scraping thing.
[SPEAKER_05]: And it was kind of like, my, my, your skin's come.
[SPEAKER_05]: We dated for four years.
[SPEAKER_05]: I don't know.
[SPEAKER_05]: Oh my god, I'll sweet.
[SPEAKER_05]: But it's just I really think you need to like talk to the person because everyone's different.
[SPEAKER_05]: There's so many techniques out there.
[SPEAKER_05]: You can learn massaging different ways.
[SPEAKER_05]: You should definitely learn about the clip if you're female focused and that the clip, you know, is a wishbone.
[SPEAKER_05]: You know, it's not just the one the one little area it goes down.
[SPEAKER_05]: There's the legs and just looking the side of the oval can really be a turn on.
[SPEAKER_05]: And that's that little fleshy part, you know, right?
[SPEAKER_05]: Oh, my, here's what I'm trying to.
[SPEAKER_05]: But, and then there's toys that you can use.
[SPEAKER_05]: I, I think my YouTube is on the hands, but I also have one on toys.
[SPEAKER_05]: There's, I mean, gosh, I think there's so many.
[SPEAKER_05]: So there's some guys that like, they're, they're balls pulled.
[SPEAKER_05]: And when you're down there, I mean, you're like,
[SPEAKER_05]: You've got to really get in there, you've got your hands, you're hurting your neck, you know, you're doing all this stuff.
[SPEAKER_05]: So there's things that you can use so that you're not hurting yourself.
[SPEAKER_05]: There's for guys like their balls pulled in if you're going like this and then you've got to hold yourself up.
[SPEAKER_05]: I don't know if you can see that.
[SPEAKER_01]: It's a podcast.
[SPEAKER_05]: There's wait set.
[SPEAKER_05]: If you guys are like their balls pull as you can use weights.
[SPEAKER_05]: So a little weighted thing that you hang around the balls and it just slightly pulls on their tugs on their balls and there's also like a little ball tickler.
[SPEAKER_05]: So little things that is kind of like the effect of looking.
[SPEAKER_05]: I mean, I can go on and on, cool hot.
[SPEAKER_05]: I even incorporate
[SPEAKER_05]: in the same with women.
[SPEAKER_05]: I mean, there's just so many things that you can use.
[SPEAKER_05]: I don't, I think the one thing that I got criticism on when I did that video was people, I feel like people who didn't know, they're like, here's a job.
[SPEAKER_05]: You shouldn't be using your hands, you know.
[SPEAKER_05]: But to me, that's a porno, you know, where the grill is gagging and it's like,
[SPEAKER_05]: So, there's so many different ways that you can go about incorporating stuff.
[SPEAKER_01]: I love that and I love the variety.
[SPEAKER_01]: I think going back to what you were talking about, some of the issues were like many people have mediocre sex and were just not giving feedback, right?
[SPEAKER_01]: I mean, when a guy is something amazing, I met such a sexual woman.
[SPEAKER_01]: And when a guy does something amazing to me, I was like, I thanked my previous sisters.
[SPEAKER_01]: who train him all right because people learn through experiences and feedback and I feel like we're just so Especially in heterosexual relationship women are just so polite with giving feedback and like you know And then sometimes as you say they're faking it and in a way we're training our partner to do something That's not effective and as you mentioned there's a galaxy of options
[SPEAKER_01]: So before saying that for like I'm going to talk about for a minute for exactly what you talk about women, right, sometimes cisgender women, they have insecurities about am I doing it right enough?
[SPEAKER_01]: Am I good at it?
[SPEAKER_01]: All of that anxiety around being able to do it right?
[SPEAKER_01]: What do you recommend women to feel kind of like to, to do to feel more confident when it comes to doing oral sex, giving head to a new guy?
[SPEAKER_05]: Well, for me, because I'm gonna go by my experience when I was a teenager.
[SPEAKER_05]: I got very lucky and met a guy who, you know, we don't have the internet back then, but oh, I guess we have men's magazine and he, I think I was like 16 or 17 and he came out with these, but also I was open to it and that's the other thing has been open to it.
[SPEAKER_05]: and and putting things aside.
[SPEAKER_05]: But we were using ice cubes.
[SPEAKER_05]: He was want to trial.
[SPEAKER_05]: These different things.
[SPEAKER_05]: And then as I got older, I just remembered that.
[SPEAKER_05]: I also never really liked given a blowjob, but it was because I didn't know.
[SPEAKER_05]: And that's a lot of things like men definitely want to go down on women.
[SPEAKER_05]: But they also want to know how to do it where I've noticed that women don't really want to go down on men because they don't enjoy doing it.
[SPEAKER_05]: And I always tell them, when you enjoy doing it, you don't want to go down more.
[SPEAKER_05]: So it's just learning.
[SPEAKER_05]: I just say get out.
[SPEAKER_05]: There's tons of sex coaching classes online.
[SPEAKER_05]: There's podcasts.
[SPEAKER_05]: There's the internet.
[SPEAKER_05]: Definitely don't watch porn.
[SPEAKER_05]: Unless, you know, there is a lot of educational videos out there on Flee show or even just going down if you're a woman going down on another woman, there's all kinds of things out there.
[SPEAKER_01]: For men that, you know, as he says, like I often hear men, I barely hear them questioning.
[SPEAKER_01]: I had maybe one client that they were questioning their skill.
[SPEAKER_01]: Like, comes to oral sex.
[SPEAKER_01]: You, we majority of men that said we got it.
[SPEAKER_05]: I don't want to talk about it.
[SPEAKER_05]: I don't think men are like women where we talk about stuff.
[SPEAKER_05]: We're men are just like, yeah, high five by being this girl.
[SPEAKER_05]: I got her to cut.
[SPEAKER_05]: It's like, but did you as soon as you ask a guy that like, did she come though, was she really into it?
[SPEAKER_05]: You start seeing their mind working like, maybe she's right, maybe she wasn't into it.
[SPEAKER_05]: And that's how I feel the guy at my house, when I kind of challenged him, I think he, he probably rethought, you know, like, oh, well, you know, hopefully he went and learned some skills.
[SPEAKER_01]: Like it could be a hobbelly experience, right?
[SPEAKER_01]: I can't feel like that.
[SPEAKER_05]: Like whatever you do, don't take what you learned from one person and take it into the next relationship and think, this is what they're going to like.
[SPEAKER_05]: Yes, you can learn something great in some techniques and try on the person, but it doesn't mean that they're into it.
[SPEAKER_05]: You know, like some people, I mean, I don't know, but I'm just going by what I've seen, but the hammering of the finger in, you know, I've never paid it.
[SPEAKER_05]: Yeah.
[SPEAKER_05]: And I think a lot of people do, but that's what people see on porn.
[SPEAKER_01]: Absolutely.
[SPEAKER_01]: I mean, like where else people can learn about sex?
[SPEAKER_01]: majority of people learn about it from watching porn.
[SPEAKER_01]: Like thankfully now we have resources different, sex coaches, but majority of people, the reference they have it comes to sex is mainstream porn and what they see in porn which can oftentimes is just like watching a romantic
[SPEAKER_05]: How many times do you see a movie where, you know, it's hot sex that he throws a girl up against the wall and they have sex on the wall, no girl.
[SPEAKER_05]: I'm sorry, I'm not having sex up against the wall.
[SPEAKER_05]: And then like she orgasms with then seconds.
[SPEAKER_05]: So I think it's the porn and then the movie, you know, why isn't the girl coming quicker?
[SPEAKER_05]: And then the girl is thinking, I can tell he's getting irritated or he's down there too long.
[SPEAKER_05]: So I need to speed things up and act like I'm coming.
[SPEAKER_01]: absolutely.
[SPEAKER_01]: And again, just like so common, unfortunately, or kind of again, we all heard about many people experience faking orgasms, which can I understand in context of some relationships, it even feel pressured, but it's not supportive of you having the sex that you deserve.
[SPEAKER_01]: Speaking of mental blocks,
[SPEAKER_01]: So when it comes to women who don't enjoy having kind of like receiving oral sex, I hear many women, their self-conscious about their scent, their body shape, all of that.
[SPEAKER_01]: How do you hear what may get over that?
[SPEAKER_05]: Well, I mean, one, it comes down to you can't depend on a guy or person to make you feel sexy.
[SPEAKER_05]: You have to feel sexy yourself first.
[SPEAKER_05]: So you really need to ask why.
[SPEAKER_05]: If you do have a scent, go see a doctor, but you should never do sure or put anything down there.
[SPEAKER_05]: When we do have natural scents, we have
[SPEAKER_05]: are sent to change throughout the weeks, throughout the days.
[SPEAKER_05]: So, you know, learning about, you know, your cycles and stuff.
[SPEAKER_05]: And then there's also just being clean, but don't use, don't use Duchess at all, because that actually changes it and makes it worse.
[SPEAKER_05]: You know, you just need some water and some soap.
[SPEAKER_05]: But like I said, go see a doctor, maybe go talk to someone, sometimes if it's in the head, your doctor, you know, that sometimes it's just in the head,
[SPEAKER_05]: But honestly, guys, one thing I've learned about guys being in the adult business men is that we, we as women think so much, like, what were in the bedroom?
[SPEAKER_05]: Oh my gosh, he can see this one side or this scar.
[SPEAKER_05]: When a guy sees you naked, like, he just loses everything.
[SPEAKER_05]: And he doesn't see your imperfections.
[SPEAKER_05]: He doesn't see what you see.
[SPEAKER_05]: He's just so happy that you're there in the room with him.
[SPEAKER_05]: and also being in the adult business, I learned that it's not the women that you see in the magazine, the tall, beautiful, supermodels.
[SPEAKER_05]: Yes, those women are beautiful, but that's what's so fashion, and that's for what gay guys promote, you know, the hairdressers and gay designers.
[SPEAKER_05]: But when it comes to what real people like, I mean, I was seeing guys, you know, into girls that were overweight or, you know,
[SPEAKER_05]: weren't what you saw your typical beauty was, but those are real people and women just need to get out of their head.
[SPEAKER_01]: I don't know, I wonder part of the anxiety that women have is more from kind of watching or kind of scenes that they've seen and going back to porn.
[SPEAKER_01]: The reason I'm saying that is I grew up in Iran and like an like older time.
[SPEAKER_01]: So not an internet time.
[SPEAKER_01]: So I haven't seen another woman World War front-hand center.
[SPEAKER_01]: So I didn't even have this in security when I had.
[SPEAKER_05]: I was the same way and it's embarrassing, but I didn't know one time, I mean, I'd never seen another vagina, but myself and honestly, I'd never seen my vagina, you know?
[SPEAKER_05]: It wasn't until I started taking sex coaching classes that we were to look at our vaginas.
[SPEAKER_05]: And you're like, oh, I didn't realize I had this birthmark, you know, down there.
[SPEAKER_05]: But there was this one woman when I grew old back then.
[SPEAKER_05]: I was stripping in DC and my young 20s or 25.
[SPEAKER_05]: And I thought I was doing her favor.
[SPEAKER_05]: She was getting ready to go outside to dance on the pole.
[SPEAKER_05]: And you know, she was adjusting her underwear.
[SPEAKER_05]: And I was like, oh, your tampon string is hanging out.
[SPEAKER_05]: Oh, I know.
[SPEAKER_05]: She was oh, sweetie, but because she was older than me, she was like, that's my, that's my clitor, something.
[SPEAKER_05]: Oh my gosh, it wasn't like I was so embarrassed at that moment because I didn't know when I was like oh mine does it hang like that do other people saying you and then and then there's this amazing book when I was taking my sex coaching classes I can't remember what's called, but it's a book of all these of a giant as all these different ages, but it doesn't tell you which age, you know a six year old woman's vagina can look like you know a 30 year old woman's vagina, you know it's just.
[SPEAKER_05]: And there's there's beauty in all of them and they're like, they're like a finger print.
[SPEAKER_05]: It's a work of art, you know.
[SPEAKER_01]: I like it and now like in a through people can see through well what gallery all of that right that like bodies are different as an adult getting exposed to it now understand there's diversity But back then I didn't even have the understanding of like my body is different than others therefore I didn't have that insecurity so I think part of it's also getting younger being exposed to the messaging
[SPEAKER_01]: Okay, I didn't even know.
[SPEAKER_05]: It's not like what nipples and different sizes, you know?
[SPEAKER_05]: I did there.
[SPEAKER_05]: I was like, oh, people have bigger or, you know, different.
[SPEAKER_05]: I didn't even call ours.
[SPEAKER_05]: I had no idea.
[SPEAKER_01]: I was like, oh, I guess like it's like hands.
[SPEAKER_01]: Everyone has this kind of similar.
[SPEAKER_05]: I didn't even know there was such thing as a bent penis, and I met one, you know, I've never seen a guy who wasn't circumcised, you know, my first one, I was like, oh my gosh.
[SPEAKER_01]: Right, and I think that's some some part of it is beauty of having sex with someone that's almost unboxing.
[SPEAKER_02]: Yes, I'm thinking of you and exciting.
[SPEAKER_01]: I love that.
[SPEAKER_01]: So from people kind of like want to think about like step by step because sometimes we wouldn't want anxious.
[SPEAKER_01]: They have some kind of like fear about, oh, am I doing it wrong?
[SPEAKER_01]: Maybe if they have a road map, it's easier.
[SPEAKER_01]: What would be like overall three steps that you kind of talk about and you're thinking about giving head or and three steps you would say like for eating pussy?
[SPEAKER_05]: Three steps doesn't like, this is what you do, this is what you do.
[SPEAKER_01]: Kind of like a general road map, like it as because as we talked about, people's bodies are different, foreplay can feel different, but if people come think about, okay, this is a road map.
[SPEAKER_01]: What would you say kind of like with the road?
[SPEAKER_05]: I was, you know, going down on a guy for the first time.
[SPEAKER_05]: I would first, I always like, look to make sure they're clean.
[SPEAKER_05]: Nothing's going on down there.
[SPEAKER_05]: And then I kind of, I like to see what the guy likes, because not every guy likes his balls tickled or lick or played with.
[SPEAKER_05]: There's so much more than just the head and the shaft.
[SPEAKER_05]: You can get someone off just by looking their head and there's some people that want deep throw, you know, there's so much.
[SPEAKER_05]: So I kind of just take what I know and I look at it like a playground and I just go to town.
[SPEAKER_05]: And suddenly when a guy is really into it, you never just like a woman, just like when you think about when you're about to come, you never want to break focus.
[SPEAKER_05]: So I can tell when I die is like, okay, this is nice, but he's not there yet and I can tell when I hit his trigger points because you just fill the body change and you He kind of like, you know, just the same with us, you know, so I would kind of like paying attention to body language and being creative.
[SPEAKER_05]: Yeah, yeah, and I tried the communication thing one time this guy got upset with me and I loved
[SPEAKER_05]: I know, it was, I think it was like when I was, because sometimes people know that I'm a sex coach, they get a little fearful.
[SPEAKER_05]: This one guy, before I talk about this one guy, he literally ran out of my house.
[SPEAKER_05]: He, and I had, it was a forced story condo, and I, I sat at the top of my stairs, and I said, it's on the, the entry doors on the second floor, you get a backup.
[SPEAKER_05]: So he went out, and then I texted him, and I said, what the heck?
[SPEAKER_05]: What happens?
[SPEAKER_05]: And he said, I got so nervous because of who you are.
[SPEAKER_05]: And, you know, I know that you're sex coach.
[SPEAKER_05]: And I freaked out.
[SPEAKER_05]: I thought you were going to like want me swinging on Chanel ears or something.
[SPEAKER_05]: I was like, no, oh my gosh, like, you know, just like communicate with a person.
[SPEAKER_05]: So the other guy, the same, the same thing happened, but not in that sense.
[SPEAKER_05]: I was going down him and doing the same thing kind of filling out, and I just asked him like, hey, do you like this?
[SPEAKER_05]: I'm trying to add in a little communication.
[SPEAKER_05]: I was trying something different and he got kind of irritated and he was kind of like, well, just suck it like I don't need a commentary, you know.
[SPEAKER_05]: Oh my god.
[SPEAKER_05]: Yeah, so I was okay.
[SPEAKER_05]: I don't, you know, I don't think this is going very well.
[SPEAKER_05]: So you kind of feel it out, you know, and then I was like, should I not speak up next time?
[SPEAKER_01]: I mean, like, I, like, I wouldn't want to have sex with someone that they, they can tolerate conversation during sex.
[SPEAKER_01]: We didn't.
[SPEAKER_05]: We didn't run out like the other guy because there's also making someone feel bad, you know, like even though I'm an expert and I'm the sex coach and I'm the one that's knowledgeable, he's still made me feel bad about,
[SPEAKER_05]: just communicating.
[SPEAKER_05]: And that's when they always teach people is communicate.
[SPEAKER_05]: So imagine if I'm teaching you to communicate with your partner, I'm telling you to do this and you go and do that and then the person makes you feel bad.
[SPEAKER_05]: You know, like, I didn't really take it personal, but it's still made you feel like, well, that was a very nice, you know.
[SPEAKER_01]: right it's it's really important to be able to even give new short feedback right like sometimes shame shows up around thanks for people and kind of like naming it or kind of like redirecting your partner can be a way to go and then you want to make sure there's repair that happens outside the bedroom.
[SPEAKER_01]: but when it's something that just really not working for people, right?
[SPEAKER_01]: Like for example, as you said, our bodies are different.
[SPEAKER_01]: Maybe we have an infection and there is a scent kind of like in your body and you're going to defeat back.
[SPEAKER_01]: You're in your period.
[SPEAKER_01]: Something is happening.
[SPEAKER_01]: We're like, I'm not going to say like, I would say majority of time women are fantastic.
[SPEAKER_01]: They're sent as fantastic.
[SPEAKER_01]: But what if there's an issue or there's something going on with the partners
[SPEAKER_01]: How would you suggest people to approach giving feedback?
[SPEAKER_01]: So the partner wouldn't feel diminished or small?
[SPEAKER_05]: That's a very tough one because I'll give two examples.
[SPEAKER_05]: One, when someone has a piece of lettuce in the tooth, nobody will even tell you that you have a piece of lettuce.
[SPEAKER_05]: Yes.
[SPEAKER_05]: And then I have no problem if I know the person, not if I just met you, telling someone that they had bad breath.
[SPEAKER_05]: That's just me because I feel like I'm helping you.
[SPEAKER_05]: but a lot of people can't tell people that.
[SPEAKER_05]: So, you take two simple things that are not sexual, something as simple as, like, I had let us somebody choose why didn't you tell me, oh, I didn't see it, yeah, you did, you thought.
[SPEAKER_05]: And then you're asking them to apply it to something so personal in the bedroom.
[SPEAKER_05]: It's a very tough one, because that's where a lot of people feel shame around stuff.
[SPEAKER_05]: And I mean, even I've had some things where there was one time, again, this is, you have to understand, you, you go by age also, you know, like is the person 20 is the person 40 because you hope by the time you're 40, you know, yourself a little bit better, but that's not always a case, but when I was in my early 20s, I kept having the smell and I was definitely sleeping with the eyes and no one was telling me, but I had the smell and I went to her.
[SPEAKER_05]: And I remember, she was like, oh, you stink you down.
[SPEAKER_05]: I remember it made me so embarrassed, but I also thought I was funny because you know, whatever, but I was like, okay, that's cool, but it was something as simple as, um,
[SPEAKER_05]: So, a hint I picked up on this one guy was he was very clean and it would always suggest taking a shower.
[SPEAKER_05]: So, I would pick I started doing that.
[SPEAKER_05]: I feel like this says this, but if it's a it's a bacteria, you know, you can't say anything.
[SPEAKER_05]: But I always suggest taking a shower.
[SPEAKER_05]: Especially if you've been out and you've been sweating and dancing or whatever.
[SPEAKER_05]: Like, hey, and make it sexy, not like, let's take a shower because you smell, like, let's, you know, go into the shower and, you know, just have some fun or a bath or whatever is that you want.
[SPEAKER_05]: If it's, I mean, it says, it's a tough one, because if it's just someone you're dating, most people would be like, oh, if you stink, you know.
[SPEAKER_05]: And then I leave her and like I said, it goes back to the this finish and your teeth, but if it's someone that you've been a partner with for a while, I think it's more approaching them because I always say this one people say, well, how do I approach a partner about swinging or having more than one partners.
[SPEAKER_05]: What I'll say, so that they don't think it's you, say I saw it on Instagram, I saw it in a magazine, you know, make it look like it was someone else's idea, so that the person gets upset or rejects it, then it wasn't you.
[SPEAKER_01]: I love that.
[SPEAKER_01]: Like he has he said, that looks a little more comfortable.
[SPEAKER_01]: absolute to their different ways you can approach it.
[SPEAKER_01]: I agree with you.
[SPEAKER_01]: I think it's just unless you are into kind of spontaneous sex outside.
[SPEAKER_01]: I think it's often a good practice to kind of like shower, like wash your teeth, you have no idea how many
[SPEAKER_01]: system their men are losing opportunities to have sex.
[SPEAKER_01]: I hear from their partners in my practice because they have bad smell.
[SPEAKER_01]: Like if they knew that somehow it's the smell, I guess in the way of them having morning sex, God knows that would be the first thing that would do.
[SPEAKER_05]: So sometimes it's the shower and have fun with it.
[SPEAKER_05]: Like, you know, the guy's balls with some soap.
[SPEAKER_05]: You know, clean it better.
[SPEAKER_05]: And then make a comment.
[SPEAKER_05]: Like, oh, I love it when it's fresh and clean or something.
[SPEAKER_05]: But try not to make the person feel bad, but also it's really hard because you could say something to the other person and this is on them and they could get very offended even if you said it polite, you know, just like by me asking that guy, you know communicating with him, he got upset, you know, left.
[SPEAKER_05]: You just never know because because it could be so embarrassing to them and then they're like, oh my gosh, you know, and then you never hear from them again, it's a tough one.
[SPEAKER_05]: I think it's that was a tricky subject.
[SPEAKER_01]: Absolutely, and from some people when shame shows up, they attack others, right?
[SPEAKER_01]: They're going to attack you once they mean things to you.
[SPEAKER_01]: Or sometimes people attack themselves, like they're shrink and they, like they, like inside you see that they kind of are devastated.
[SPEAKER_01]: But I would say that, as you said, first of all, people get to have their emotions, if you're communicating with thoughtfulness and kindness, you're not responsible for people's emotions.
[SPEAKER_01]: I know that sounds harsh, but that's important to keep in mind.
[SPEAKER_05]: This is how you would want to be approached.
[SPEAKER_05]: If the tables were turned, how would I want someone to approach me about this and put yourself in their shoes and
[SPEAKER_01]: And I also, again, it could be like, I would say like, from majority of time, of course, you don't want to go down on someone.
[SPEAKER_01]: And you know, there's a send there.
[SPEAKER_01]: There's nothing they can do in the moment.
[SPEAKER_01]: So I would say, like, pivot.
[SPEAKER_01]: And that's not the time to give it.
[SPEAKER_01]: Come, kind of feedback right there.
[SPEAKER_01]: But sometimes it's like outside the bedroom, you can kind of like communicate that, right?
[SPEAKER_01]: Like I love going down on you, I love giving you pleasure, and this is what I've noticed.
[SPEAKER_01]: So I just want to share that with you.
[SPEAKER_01]: I mean, the person can get hurt, but also as you said, it can be helpful for them because it could be health related, things that they can do, but it's important to not talk about in the midst of sex.
[SPEAKER_05]: Yeah, and definitely on the list of sex.
[SPEAKER_05]: I've never had an issue where anyone that's happened, but I have had the stinky breaths about when I know very well.
[SPEAKER_05]: And again, you have their frustrating the same way, very kind because someone's feelings can do her.
[SPEAKER_01]: I could be like, we always have gum, like, next door, but, right, it would be something you do meant.
[SPEAKER_05]: I'm going to describe it.
[SPEAKER_05]: There's like breath that smells because you just ate something or you went out drinking and got all this through, but my mom was a dentist, so I'm very particular people in brushing and fossing, and then there's the, I can tell you I'm enfossed.
[SPEAKER_05]: For a cleanliness, I was just saying about this, everyone always comments on this for me, but a bidet.
[SPEAKER_05]: I love the day for like for pleasure.
[SPEAKER_05]: Yeah.
[SPEAKER_05]: I have one in my house and I I was naughty parties in my house and people love it because that really gets you clean.
[SPEAKER_05]: Your bum pole gets your taint a little bit.
[SPEAKER_05]: It reaches up to the front so you could even, you know, lift up your balls and get, you know, really get in there.
[SPEAKER_01]: I love that.
[SPEAKER_01]: And again, like many people, they don't know their missed opportunity for having more frequent sex if they can upgrade their hygiene.
[SPEAKER_01]: And I know it's such a sensitive thing because most people think like, oh, I have good hygiene.
[SPEAKER_01]: But some people even have
[SPEAKER_01]: specific requirement.
[SPEAKER_01]: Even in the marriage, I have people in my practice telling me, I feel my husband is not using the right body or for their body, right?
[SPEAKER_01]: So kind of like having kind of thinking about it as kind of the solution focus.
[SPEAKER_01]: Like this is something we're addressing, we're just kind of thinking about I am doing something wrong because people have different needs, when it comes to intimacy and hygiene around intimacy.
[SPEAKER_01]: So for people who are kind of thinking about like improving their sexual skill, when it comes to oral sex, what is one small thing or medium-sized thing that they can do to upgrade their sexual skill when it comes to oral sex?
[SPEAKER_01]: Do you have any hacks for us?
[SPEAKER_05]: Yes, I would, I mean it goes back to the beginning.
[SPEAKER_05]: I would definitely say the
[SPEAKER_05]: You know, it's, it's just go down there and explore, you know, sometimes I mean, I've done so many things where you play with pot and cold, you know, you do a little massage, it's not people are so orgasm focused, you know, like, let me get in there and be done.
[SPEAKER_05]: rather than just taking the time to explore your body because, okay, maybe I'm not exploring all of your body, but you are exploring, there's a lot down there too, explore with his also anal play.
[SPEAKER_05]: I've got the whole other subject, but that's right there.
[SPEAKER_05]: You know, there's toys that you can use for anal play, you could use your finger.
[SPEAKER_05]: There's just so much in that one area.
[SPEAKER_05]: You know, that you can play with that I just feel like people just go down there and just try to focus on the clip or try to just focus on, you know, the head and trying to see how deep they can go and just a lot.
[SPEAKER_05]: So there's some guys that like it slow, I like it slow, you know, and I also notice that when.
[SPEAKER_05]: Now there's some guys that go fast and you can go slow and you'll you'll notice a guy changing pace even with a woman and then or you're going slow and it's not really working and you go fast and that's what's worked for him.
[SPEAKER_05]: That's where you just got to play around.
[SPEAKER_05]: I just think you got to play ground.
[SPEAKER_05]: How fun.
[SPEAKER_01]: So we said hot and cold like if I'm giving head to someone.
[SPEAKER_01]: How would you kind of like incorporate cold and hot?
[SPEAKER_05]: Okay, so what I like I said in the beginning, the guy that I dated, he read something in a magazine about ice cubes.
[SPEAKER_05]: So I put the ice cubes on my mouth and got my mouth cold and then I went down on him.
[SPEAKER_05]: And it was like this and I've done it with other people and they love it.
[SPEAKER_05]: It's this, ooh, but then it starts to warm, you know, your mouth starts to warm.
[SPEAKER_05]: And then I go down and it's another sensation because that feels more like a vagina, you know, so it's they like it you can also take the ice cube and put it on the balls and just don't you want to keep it on the very long it's just a very it melts very quickly, but just to move it around there's also hot and cold loops like like a
[SPEAKER_05]: a fire loop, but when I say fire, it doesn't feel like your own fire, it's more of a tingley sensation.
[SPEAKER_05]: And then, which is also, I believe that they have some on condoms too, where they also do hot and cold the sensations, and then there's more of a chilled one.
[SPEAKER_05]: So, it benefits the female too.
[SPEAKER_01]: I love that.
[SPEAKER_01]: I can kind of experiment with it and kind of like having this playful attitude and I think I'm knowing that having some kind of feedback if you're doing something novel that they can kind of your partner tells you that if it's not working for them.
[SPEAKER_01]: dissipation.
[SPEAKER_01]: Oh, I work on doing this like new things.
[SPEAKER_01]: Use this new gel or use ice cube can build excitement.
[SPEAKER_05]: So it's, it doesn't have to be toys that you buy.
[SPEAKER_05]: People may say, I don't have money.
[SPEAKER_05]: Go on your kitchen, get a little paddle, you know, like the little wooden spoon.
[SPEAKER_05]: There's so many things that you can use and just have fun with and also incorporate your hands and massage and in different techniques.
[SPEAKER_05]: I mean, there's like the basket weave.
[SPEAKER_05]: where you do your hands like this and then you kind of go down and you're getting the thumbs right there.
[SPEAKER_05]: I do now know about that.
[SPEAKER_05]: Guys love that one the basket leave.
[SPEAKER_05]: I mean, I'll have a guy say, give me the basket leave.
[SPEAKER_01]: I'm going to be so basket weaving in my future.
[SPEAKER_05]: And then there's a, when I was doing my sex coaching, I read so many books on, on so much.
[SPEAKER_05]: So that's hard learning about the basket weave.
[SPEAKER_05]: Educate yourself.
[SPEAKER_05]: There was one, this clip book.
[SPEAKER_05]: And I've learned so much about males, you know.
[SPEAKER_05]: that I wanted to learn a little bit more about myself and because your like, a man has, you know, this appendage that, you know, you can do so much with.
[SPEAKER_05]: Women is all tucked away and, you know, but then you read the book and you're like, oh, wow, there's a lot.
[SPEAKER_05]: So you're a clip and I tried this because I just wanted to experiment.
[SPEAKER_05]: I mean, if you don't know, your clits is like a penis.
[SPEAKER_05]: So if you pull back the hood, you can jack off your clits.
[SPEAKER_05]: And it's amazing, it's literally like you're jacking off a penis.
[SPEAKER_01]: I mean, isn't it tiny unless you're like a dancer or coworker?
[SPEAKER_05]: Yeah, so I mean, you want to get, I did it in the shower and you kind of got to put your legs up and you got to really press back the hood so it pops out.
[SPEAKER_05]: It's deeper.
[SPEAKER_05]: There's more to it than you see.
[SPEAKER_05]: And then you just jack it off.
[SPEAKER_05]: And I was like, wow, this is what it feels like to have a penis.
[SPEAKER_05]: I love that.
[SPEAKER_05]: There's just, I mean, there's G spots.
[SPEAKER_05]: There's that.
[SPEAKER_05]: There's the legs of, you know, the the clip.
[SPEAKER_05]: There's the mound's area.
[SPEAKER_05]: There's toys that cater to vibrating the mound area.
[SPEAKER_05]: I mean, there's so much out there.
[SPEAKER_05]: That's like a whole other podcast just on the toys.
[SPEAKER_01]: I love it and I feel like people get intimidated and I would say lofted when we had more shops that people were going in person because usually people who wore them on sex shops are sex educators and I feel just here in LA that's very much like them.
[SPEAKER_05]: They're they're amazing.
[SPEAKER_05]: They have all such a sex educators they teach classes for free and LA love that.
[SPEAKER_05]: in Chicago, and I think New York, and when you walk in there, they have a profile of stuff of things that you can see, and some of the things you're like, holy shit.
[SPEAKER_05]: Like, like, a fist, this big.
[SPEAKER_05]: one this and it's fun to go in there and to look have a laugh, you know, you joke around, but then you see someone pick up from buying and you're like, that's no joke.
[SPEAKER_01]: I love that.
[SPEAKER_01]: I can think like especially like the local ones are really fun and people are there, they're passionate to help others about sexual pleasure.
[SPEAKER_01]: And I love if you're in LA try a pleasure chest like many colleagues, they teach their for free and it's just such a
[SPEAKER_01]: So see that if people want to learn about you, if they're curious about your content, the coaching that you do is it's like your wealth of great information.
[SPEAKER_01]: What are some of the places they can find you?
[SPEAKER_05]: I made one website just to make it easy for everyone.
[SPEAKER_05]: It's innocentclarestript.com.
[SPEAKER_05]: It's a play on words that I was a stripper, but I stripped down and tell you all, you know?
[SPEAKER_01]: I love that.
[SPEAKER_01]: So it's going to be in this show now.
[SPEAKER_01]: So if people wanted to get off a coaching and I focused on my blogs, my naughty parties that I host.
[SPEAKER_05]: I also have a studio here in Los Angeles, and I do for photography.
[SPEAKER_05]: I do anything that's naughty.
[SPEAKER_01]: I love that.
[SPEAKER_01]: So I recommend our listeners to go check it out.
[SPEAKER_01]: Thank you so much seeing you for your time.
[SPEAKER_01]: So it's such a pleasure to have you on this show and hopefully we'll have you on our future episodes.
[SPEAKER_01]: Yeah, thank you very much.
[SPEAKER_01]: Appreciate it.
[SPEAKER_01]: Bye there.
[SPEAKER_01]: As we wrap up, I want to remind you of this.
[SPEAKER_01]: Confidence in sex doesn't come from knowing everything.
[SPEAKER_01]: It comes from being willing to stay present, curious and connected.
[SPEAKER_01]: Whether it's oral sex or any other part of intimacy, what creates the biggest shift is not perfection, it's a tool and meant.
[SPEAKER_01]: Pain the tension, being responsive, letting it be a shared experience rather than a performance.
[SPEAKER_01]: And if you're thinking, I want to film more confident, but I don't know where to start, that exactly why we created our $15 workshop.
[SPEAKER_01]: View of our colleagues and I, we're gonna walk you step by step through how to get out of your head into your body.
[SPEAKER_01]: how to do dirty talk and how to build real practical sexual skills, including things like pacing, connection and yes, even how to talk about an approach to friend kinds of pleasure.
[SPEAKER_01]: It's simple, it's actionable and it can even be a really fun day night.
[SPEAKER_01]: You can find it in the show notes.
[SPEAKER_01]: Thank you for being here for being open to learning and for investing in your pleasure.
[SPEAKER_01]: I'll see you in the next episode of The Sexology Podcast.
[SPEAKER_01]: Thanks for listening to Sixology Podcasts.
[SPEAKER_01]: For more great content, visit www.sixologypodcast.com.
[SPEAKER_01]: Please be advised that information presented on this podcast is not a substitute for seeking help from a licensed mental health provider.