WEBVTT 00:00.031 --> 00:01.373 [SPEAKER_02]: Does this sound familiar? 00:01.974 --> 00:06.780 [SPEAKER_02]: You love your partner, but almost all of your conversations have to do with logistics. 00:07.301 --> 00:08.643 [SPEAKER_02]: Who's picking up the kids? 00:09.184 --> 00:10.686 [SPEAKER_02]: Who's cooking dinner? 00:11.226 --> 00:12.789 [SPEAKER_02]: Who's paid the bills? 00:13.630 --> 00:14.651 [SPEAKER_02]: Intimacy is low. 00:15.272 --> 00:21.921 [SPEAKER_02]: Emotional connection is distant and your relationship begins to feel just like a routine. 00:22.508 --> 00:31.683 [SPEAKER_00]: And if this is a nerve, there's a good chance that you are in what a lot of couples experience and it is called the roommate phase of a long-term relationship. 00:32.284 --> 00:42.441 [SPEAKER_02]: And the crazy thing is, some of the qualities of your relationship that really have helped you guys succeed is the exact same thing that's pulling you apart emotionally. 00:42.708 --> 00:55.823 [SPEAKER_00]: And in today's episode, we're gonna help you break down why this happens for so many couples, help you understand it better, and then hopefully process ways and teach you ways to regain that connection. 00:55.983 --> 00:58.466 [SPEAKER_00]: So it doesn't have to feel like roommates for so long. 00:58.846 --> 01:10.379 [SPEAKER_02]: So stay tuned because right at the end of the episode, we go through a number of steps that you and your partner can take to rebuild that connection and get the heck out of the roommate phase. 01:10.559 --> 01:11.280 [SPEAKER_00]: We don't want you there. 01:16.171 --> 01:20.898 [SPEAKER_00]: Hello all and welcome to the Relationship Innovation Podcast, I'm Tara Curvin. 01:21.138 --> 01:23.021 [SPEAKER_02]: And my name is Eja Curvin. 01:23.041 --> 01:35.038 [SPEAKER_00]: And today, one of the most common dynamics we see, we hear, we feel, we love each other, but it feels like we're just freaking roommates. 01:35.498 --> 01:39.564 [SPEAKER_00]: The mystery's gone, the joy is gone, the excitement is gone. 01:39.604 --> 01:42.448 [SPEAKER_00]: This is really common, you guys. 01:42.614 --> 01:55.681 [SPEAKER_02]: Well, and I think like why we're so sort of compelled to talk about this today is like, that this is something that we are like constantly sort of like coming in and out of this. 01:56.001 --> 02:01.753 [SPEAKER_02]: I mean, just this morning, I think Terry, you called up and we're like, we're back in it. 02:01.733 --> 02:05.559 [SPEAKER_02]: We're totally busy, we're barely getting everything done. 02:05.579 --> 02:06.800 [SPEAKER_00]: We don't do our morning check-in. 02:06.820 --> 02:08.343 [SPEAKER_02]: We haven't done our check-ins. 02:08.403 --> 02:10.245 [SPEAKER_00]: We don't do our little reading out of the book. 02:10.626 --> 02:10.906 [SPEAKER_02]: Yeah. 02:10.926 --> 02:13.871 [SPEAKER_00]: We haven't had a date night, but here's what's different. 02:13.931 --> 02:21.442 [SPEAKER_00]: And this is where we really wanted to do this episode for you because we want things to be different for you as well, because we learn the skills. 02:22.042 --> 02:30.795 [SPEAKER_00]: Instead of getting like mistrustful and resentful and resigned, 02:30.775 --> 02:31.757 [SPEAKER_00]: I was like, you know what? 02:32.037 --> 02:36.044 [SPEAKER_00]: Like, at least we're talking about it because a lot of couples don't talk about the roommate phase. 02:36.064 --> 02:41.092 [SPEAKER_00]: They just wait until something crazy happens and they seek out coaching or therapy, which is awesome. 02:41.834 --> 02:44.118 [SPEAKER_00]: But it's like, so I kind of was in it. 02:44.218 --> 02:45.360 [SPEAKER_00]: I talked to EG about it. 02:45.420 --> 02:46.502 [SPEAKER_00]: I'm feeling disconnected. 02:46.542 --> 02:48.445 [SPEAKER_00]: I can't have this happen. 02:48.505 --> 02:49.787 [SPEAKER_00]: Again, it feels so bad. 02:49.807 --> 02:52.632 [SPEAKER_00]: I get our lifesapeze and we have a lot going on. 02:52.612 --> 02:54.234 [SPEAKER_00]: but there's no excuses. 02:54.714 --> 03:08.931 [SPEAKER_00]: And so I said, but we are intentional and we know that we're not going to stay in this for too long and we're talking about it and it made me feel hopeful versus not talking about it and then staying in this place for however long. 03:09.032 --> 03:10.894 [SPEAKER_00]: So it was a huge shift for us. 03:11.014 --> 03:11.555 [SPEAKER_00]: Are we in it? 03:11.715 --> 03:12.315 [SPEAKER_00]: Absolutely. 03:12.335 --> 03:13.437 [SPEAKER_00]: Do most couples get in it? 03:13.997 --> 03:14.538 [SPEAKER_00]: Absolutely. 03:14.598 --> 03:18.703 [SPEAKER_00]: Are we getting out of it quicker because 03:19.139 --> 03:26.506 [SPEAKER_02]: And I think one thing that helps like right at the top is just to say, if this is something you and your partner are feeling this is normal. 03:26.606 --> 03:28.028 [SPEAKER_02]: Like this is a common thing. 03:28.088 --> 03:34.034 [SPEAKER_02]: It's like we live in a society where nearly every couple, both people work. 03:34.074 --> 03:35.815 [SPEAKER_02]: Like it's become like a necessity. 03:36.276 --> 03:43.363 [SPEAKER_02]: And so, you know, we get the normalization of like meeting a ton of couples who are coaching program through our counseling center. 03:43.403 --> 03:45.445 [SPEAKER_02]: And we see like, oh my gosh, like they're dealing with it. 03:45.465 --> 03:46.826 [SPEAKER_02]: They're dealing with their doing. 03:46.866 --> 03:47.847 [SPEAKER_02]: So we're like, okay. 03:47.827 --> 03:48.789 [SPEAKER_02]: We're not crazy. 03:48.829 --> 03:50.712 [SPEAKER_02]: We're not like just uniquely broken. 03:51.453 --> 03:57.843 [SPEAKER_02]: And so it's important for you out there to hear that you're not uniquely broken that this is just an incredibly common stage. 03:58.464 --> 04:13.227 [SPEAKER_02]: What we want to look at first though with you right now is we want to help you understand why right because the why sometimes if you're not careful becomes like well because we just don't work like we obviously don't have enough. 04:13.207 --> 04:18.876 [SPEAKER_02]: love and we don't have enough passion to keep it fresh and keep that connection. 04:18.936 --> 04:22.762 [SPEAKER_00]: Yeah, that's where that's not going to the rise for just lost our spark together. 04:22.843 --> 04:24.004 [SPEAKER_00]: Yeah, that's not what it is. 04:24.285 --> 04:34.962 [SPEAKER_02]: So what's so the first why and this is what we're experiencing right now is that just life takes over, right, is that we prioritize everything else. 04:34.942 --> 04:47.839 [SPEAKER_02]: we got to get the kids to school in the morning like that is you know we have an hour it's you know from when we wake up to when we're out the door and so is our priority you and me sitting down to do our reading in the morning? 04:48.279 --> 05:04.240 [SPEAKER_00]: No no but I wanted to be we used to do it we could get five minutes in there but it's just been like again there's constant change right like our dog was throwing up last night to almost midnight so I need to just sleep in that extra like 20 minutes today which then made it 05:04.220 --> 05:05.322 [SPEAKER_02]: Yeah. 05:05.342 --> 05:05.442 [SPEAKER_02]: Yeah. 05:05.462 --> 05:06.083 [SPEAKER_02]: And this happened. 05:06.103 --> 05:07.726 [SPEAKER_02]: So it's just like life takes over. 05:07.786 --> 05:11.192 [SPEAKER_02]: The kids sports are more important. 05:11.672 --> 05:16.500 [SPEAKER_02]: You know, the work crowds outside of its normal hours. 05:16.560 --> 05:22.971 [SPEAKER_02]: Just life has a way of encroaching in and our relationship pulls back. 05:22.951 --> 05:44.183 [SPEAKER_00]: And it just feels like for me, it's just like there's so much in my head like it's like even when you guys leave for school and like okay before I have to go to work I have to make sure everything's cleaned up that the dogs are put away and that they're fed and then I'm like okay did we have all the groceries like it's just like there's like thousands of things in my mind. 05:44.163 --> 05:54.197 [SPEAKER_00]: For just so busy, like sometimes I wish we could all experience just like living somewhere for three months and I mean, yeah, well, and, and so this is overwhelming. 05:54.297 --> 05:58.643 [SPEAKER_02]: This goes into the second part because life takes over, right, that's number one. 05:59.124 --> 06:10.660 [SPEAKER_02]: And when life takes over, we go into autopilot, right, because I think of, you know, one of the things that we do to stay connected is that five minutes of like seeing down, having a cup of coffee. 06:10.640 --> 06:13.603 [SPEAKER_02]: and checking in and doing our reading together, right? 06:14.264 --> 06:30.079 [SPEAKER_02]: But what I do now in us moving into this roommate phase a little bit is I go and out about right away, I wake up, I brush my teeth, I change the cat litter, I feed the dogs, I do the dishes from the night before, right? 06:30.139 --> 06:39.128 [SPEAKER_02]: Like, it is just like, those things have to get done, and I just don't even have to think and I do those. 06:39.108 --> 06:48.637 [SPEAKER_00]: Yeah, yeah, and then I wake up and I'm like, okay, I've got breakfast, I've got the kids lunches, making sure everybody has everything and they're brushing their teeth and their tours are getting done. 06:49.678 --> 06:51.559 [SPEAKER_00]: So there's just gotta be this, right? 06:51.779 --> 06:53.281 [SPEAKER_00]: Again, we're just normalizing it. 06:53.301 --> 06:55.002 [SPEAKER_00]: Like, you got to get this stuff done. 06:55.042 --> 06:57.645 [SPEAKER_00]: The kids have to be out of the door for us as by seven a.m. 06:57.745 --> 06:58.926 [SPEAKER_00]: So it's like pretty early. 06:58.946 --> 07:09.115 [SPEAKER_00]: And then we just don't even like, where is this space to be like, oh, I really want to connect with 07:09.095 --> 07:37.802 [SPEAKER_00]: and then you sit down like I sit down to get ready after you guys are leaving and I'm like that sucked like there was no connection like I think I literally talked to you maybe for five minutes yesterday because as soon as I got home like our dog again projectile vomiting for like hours but it's just like it's you know again it's we can't control what happens on life but we're just trying to normalize this so then we can help you come back to each other and not be in 07:37.782 --> 07:44.311 [SPEAKER_02]: Well, and I think what happens and it feeds into the number three is we just like divide and conquer. 07:44.371 --> 07:47.956 [SPEAKER_02]: Like Tara knows exactly what she's got to get done all day long. 07:48.577 --> 07:51.461 [SPEAKER_02]: I know what I got to get done all day long. 07:51.922 --> 07:56.208 [SPEAKER_02]: We actually are decent at some of the things of our own self-care. 07:56.729 --> 08:00.033 [SPEAKER_02]: But even that is like very separate. 08:00.173 --> 08:03.418 [SPEAKER_02]: You know, is like I got to get out to the garage to get my lifting in. 08:03.458 --> 08:07.063 [SPEAKER_02]: Tara was like, okay, I got to get to Pilates this morning. 08:07.043 --> 08:11.048 [SPEAKER_02]: you know, so we're completely divided and accomplishing. 08:11.068 --> 08:20.660 [SPEAKER_02]: And this goes into one of the things that I said in the intro was like this idea that like, you know, in a lot of ways, like, turn I get a massive amount of things done. 08:21.121 --> 08:21.782 [SPEAKER_02]: We really do. 08:22.142 --> 08:22.262 [SPEAKER_00]: Yeah. 08:22.463 --> 08:28.210 [SPEAKER_02]: And so in some ways, like, there are ways in which this works, right? 08:28.590 --> 08:30.773 [SPEAKER_02]: What it doesn't work for, 08:30.753 --> 08:57.283 [SPEAKER_02]: is us being connected because also I noticed that like when we're in that auto pilot phase and we are divided and conquered like I'll try to win the kitchen maybe try to like because I know she says like I really like a hug in the morning if we don't like hug then we're not so I'll try to do that but she's so busy she can't stop for it or like this morning I noticed at one point I forgot my phone and so I had to come back home and 08:57.263 --> 09:07.754 [SPEAKER_02]: Tara came out to really talk to me and I could tell you I didn't at the time know you were really trying to connect with me And then you walked away and you kind of muttered something underneath your breath. 09:08.275 --> 09:09.036 [SPEAKER_02]: Yeah, and I was like. 09:09.636 --> 09:12.259 [SPEAKER_02]: Oh, she was trying to like Connect, right? 09:12.279 --> 09:23.912 [SPEAKER_02]: And I think that we do make bids for attention and for connection with each other But because we're in that divide and conquer space The other person oftentimes misses it 09:23.943 --> 09:29.338 [SPEAKER_00]: Yeah, oh, yeah, because then I just sat at my vanity and I was like, a couple of tears. 09:29.358 --> 09:35.496 [SPEAKER_00]: I was like, here we are again, but then I got into the office and we're like, we can't do this anymore. 09:35.757 --> 09:36.940 [SPEAKER_00]: So yeah, totally. 09:37.004 --> 09:45.376 [SPEAKER_02]: All right, and then this, this is like an interesting one, is safety replaces aliveness. 09:46.217 --> 09:56.070 [SPEAKER_02]: And I had to really like think about it, yeah, safety replaces aliveness, because I think there's a certain amount of safety in like routine. 09:56.210 --> 09:57.212 [SPEAKER_02]: We're in routine. 09:57.272 --> 09:57.793 [SPEAKER_00]: And structure. 09:57.813 --> 09:59.395 [SPEAKER_02]: It's like we're actually getting it done. 09:59.835 --> 10:01.418 [SPEAKER_02]: The kids got to school this morning. 10:01.538 --> 10:03.180 [SPEAKER_02]: They both had their lunches. 10:03.160 --> 10:08.749 [SPEAKER_02]: They took their meds, you know, they did all the things, all right, everything is safe. 10:09.691 --> 10:15.019 [SPEAKER_02]: But a lot of like, what makes me feel, I've is like our connection. 10:15.400 --> 10:19.347 [SPEAKER_02]: That's what makes me feel like I'm actually a human being. 10:19.747 --> 10:25.136 [SPEAKER_02]: Like when I'm robot, get stuff done all day long, I don't feel very human. 10:25.637 --> 10:29.944 [SPEAKER_02]: When we have a moment where like you and I actually connect with one another, 10:29.924 --> 10:34.449 [SPEAKER_02]: like I feel alive like that feels like I'm actually like living. 10:34.969 --> 10:44.699 [SPEAKER_00]: I know, but imagine if there's a lot of couples that will spend time in this roommate phase for years so it's like they don't even know how to connect with each other again. 10:44.719 --> 10:54.970 [SPEAKER_00]: That's a scary part because you and I can come back and we'll be okay this weekend because we're talking about it and we know that like we slipped and it's okay because that's what we do. 10:54.950 --> 10:59.859 [SPEAKER_00]: And we'll repair it and it'll feel really nice because maybe you'll play boggle with me tonight. 11:00.019 --> 11:11.659 [SPEAKER_00]: Not sure if I love that Even though you always win, but there's like a lot of couples that don't even know how to like reconnect and that's you know We're gonna we're gonna talk about that 11:11.639 --> 11:25.498 [SPEAKER_02]: Yeah, but first, we have to tell you, is like if you do fall into life taking over, going into autopilot, dividing and conquering, choosing safety over, over really moving with your partner, what are the costs? 11:25.558 --> 11:26.139 [SPEAKER_02]: Like what? 11:26.380 --> 11:30.545 [SPEAKER_02]: And this is what drives people into getting couples coaching from us. 11:30.946 --> 11:34.671 [SPEAKER_02]: And we do help people get out of this phase, by the way, and we're going to get there. 11:34.691 --> 11:38.136 [SPEAKER_02]: But there are some big hidden costs. 11:38.116 --> 11:52.493 [SPEAKER_02]: And the first one is it's like the silent killer, disconnection grows quietly, like I don't oftentimes know that Tara is feeling more and more disconnected from me, right? 11:52.894 --> 12:01.204 [SPEAKER_02]: It's happening incrementally, slowly, over a day, over a week, hopefully not over a month. 12:01.319 --> 12:23.192 [SPEAKER_00]: Yeah, no and I think about that because I was like I can't because I mean there was a time when we were we did it for years right when the twins were born and like we just had to like survive and like I think now it's been maybe like a week and a half two weeks and so I'm like this is starting to feel I could feel the quiet resentment and I was like 12:23.172 --> 12:24.855 [SPEAKER_02]: Yeah, you're on to number two. 12:24.975 --> 12:35.695 [SPEAKER_00]: The number two hidden cast resentment builds under the surface and what I was thinking is like I knew it like he he promised me this when it happened again like he hasn't asked me on a date. 12:36.235 --> 12:39.882 [SPEAKER_00]: He hasn't made time like I was he he he 12:39.862 --> 12:42.665 [SPEAKER_00]: And then after I sat with it, I was like, this is a weeping terror. 12:42.685 --> 12:54.217 [SPEAKER_00]: Like I'm just as a fault because I get so busy vacuuming and mopping and grocery shopping and constantly organizing everything for everybody is how it feels. 12:54.297 --> 12:57.740 [SPEAKER_00]: And so it's my job to like bring us back. 12:57.780 --> 13:06.409 [SPEAKER_00]: It's not EJ's job, but if you're not careful, that's where that blame in resentment comes in because I what I really want to do is like put it all on you. 13:06.389 --> 13:10.055 [SPEAKER_00]: because you're the one that should be like asking me out for like a cute hot date. 13:11.257 --> 13:14.502 [SPEAKER_00]: But that's just not realistic and it's not where we're at anymore. 13:14.542 --> 13:16.445 [SPEAKER_02]: Yeah, I mean, yeah, I hear that. 13:16.525 --> 13:23.757 [SPEAKER_02]: I like that like stun like like for a second because because it feeds into into the the hidden. 13:23.737 --> 13:25.859 [SPEAKER_02]: danger thing that we're going to come to right there. 13:25.899 --> 13:28.962 [SPEAKER_02]: Just very much when you said that we're just not there anymore. 13:29.022 --> 13:32.585 [SPEAKER_02]: It felt like the sense of like, oh, we're just screwed. 13:32.745 --> 13:35.347 [SPEAKER_02]: You know, so but I hear you, it's real. 13:35.367 --> 13:36.868 [SPEAKER_02]: It's just a new reality. 13:37.009 --> 13:37.809 [SPEAKER_02]: I validate that. 13:37.829 --> 13:42.333 [SPEAKER_00]: And it's where couples get caught because then they compare themselves to other people on the social media. 13:42.894 --> 13:53.743 [SPEAKER_00]: Like our reality is not like you, you know, trying to win me over to like marry you and like sweeping me off my 13:53.723 --> 14:03.446 [SPEAKER_00]: But there is intentionality that we could do more in our relationship and that we can support other couples and doing more because that's really what it takes as intentionality. 14:03.667 --> 14:05.291 [SPEAKER_02]: Yeah, yeah. 14:05.311 --> 14:11.125 [SPEAKER_02]: So, when a backdrop a little bit, we disconnect and it goes quietly. 14:11.105 --> 14:13.248 [SPEAKER_02]: resentment builds under the surface. 14:13.889 --> 14:28.528 [SPEAKER_02]: And then the next thing is his vulnerability disappears, because if you're not making time to connect consistently in just like very small positive ways, how do you then open up in a vulnerable way about what's going on in your life? 14:28.588 --> 14:32.573 [SPEAKER_02]: And we know that vulnerability builds intimacy. 14:33.548 --> 14:37.900 [SPEAKER_00]: Well, and, right, if I'm like, in my mind, I'm blaming you. 14:37.920 --> 14:42.192 [SPEAKER_00]: This is why our life is like this again, I don't do that because I can you turn it now. 14:42.914 --> 14:44.860 [SPEAKER_00]: But imagine how that feeds into that. 14:44.880 --> 14:48.891 [SPEAKER_00]: Like, why would I be vulnerable to somebody I'm totally like it's all your fault? 14:48.871 --> 15:00.303 [SPEAKER_02]: Well, in vulnerability, when you know you're being blamed, when you feel the resentment of your partner, it doesn't feel safe to go to them for anything because you're like, they don't even like, really, it doesn't feel like they like me. 15:00.623 --> 15:01.744 [SPEAKER_02]: And this is, it does happen. 15:01.784 --> 15:05.948 [SPEAKER_02]: It goes beyond, like, we're just roommates, we're, like, roommates who don't get along. 15:06.729 --> 15:09.132 [SPEAKER_02]: You know, that's, that's in its most chronic phase. 15:09.152 --> 15:12.435 [SPEAKER_00]: You can't have, like, more deeply connected intimate conversations. 15:12.455 --> 15:12.615 [SPEAKER_00]: Yes. 15:12.996 --> 15:16.279 [SPEAKER_02]: And then overall, wrapping it around the hidden cost. 15:16.259 --> 15:19.042 [SPEAKER_02]: is people just emotionally withdrawal from one another. 15:19.062 --> 15:21.324 [SPEAKER_02]: And this is the scary part. 15:21.885 --> 15:24.748 [SPEAKER_02]: They begin to get their needs met elsewhere. 15:24.768 --> 15:28.271 [SPEAKER_02]: And sometimes that can look like in a fair, an emotional affair. 15:28.351 --> 15:31.394 [SPEAKER_02]: Sometimes it's just like... Getting needs met through your children. 15:31.414 --> 15:38.281 [SPEAKER_02]: You through your children through playing pickleball for an extra hour instead of like making time for your partner. 15:38.301 --> 15:42.165 [SPEAKER_02]: You know, yeah, I mean the phone is a huge one. 15:42.145 --> 15:44.729 [SPEAKER_00]: I would just like to say something, and this just happened. 15:44.929 --> 15:50.838 [SPEAKER_00]: So we're freaking, how's sitting, EJ's parents, dog, Izzy? 15:51.479 --> 15:52.861 [SPEAKER_00]: She's like this three palm, whatever. 15:52.901 --> 15:55.885 [SPEAKER_00]: And she has to like sleep near me. 15:55.966 --> 15:58.770 [SPEAKER_00]: She's just like this very codependent dog, love you Izzy. 15:59.351 --> 16:04.598 [SPEAKER_00]: But like she has literally been sleeping on me for almost two weeks. 16:04.639 --> 16:07.663 [SPEAKER_00]: So we haven't been able to- I think that that actually has it. 16:07.723 --> 16:10.988 [SPEAKER_00]: Yeah, we haven't been able to snuggle for two weeks because of this. 16:10.968 --> 16:17.761 [SPEAKER_00]: Talk like there's no like easy parents do you have any idea what this did to her Oh, she's and I've been even having that so funny. 16:17.942 --> 16:19.344 [SPEAKER_00]: I'm sorry that just came to me. 16:19.405 --> 16:19.665 [SPEAKER_00]: I'm like. 16:19.785 --> 16:21.829 [SPEAKER_00]: Why why are we feeling like this? 16:21.849 --> 16:32.691 [SPEAKER_02]: I noticed that like when the first night I was like she's suffering next to you and I was like I was like well I guess I'm not gonna touch Tara for a week and a half until my parents this freaking dot two weeks. 16:32.811 --> 16:33.432 [SPEAKER_02]: Yeah 16:33.850 --> 16:36.054 [SPEAKER_02]: All right, so we've identified the problem. 16:36.094 --> 16:38.738 [SPEAKER_02]: We've told you we've named what it is. 16:38.799 --> 16:40.922 [SPEAKER_02]: We've named why it happens. 16:41.022 --> 16:43.907 [SPEAKER_02]: We've talked about what the hidden costs are. 16:43.967 --> 16:45.009 [SPEAKER_00]: And how normal it is. 16:45.250 --> 16:47.894 [SPEAKER_02]: Yes, so let's get to what reconnects couples. 16:47.934 --> 16:50.138 [SPEAKER_02]: And I think this is the unfortunate part. 16:50.118 --> 16:57.589 [SPEAKER_02]: Often times what gets couples to reconnect is a massive crisis, and that's what we see. 16:57.649 --> 17:01.896 [SPEAKER_02]: That's why that's why people call us up and they get into into the coaching. 17:02.036 --> 17:08.586 [SPEAKER_00]: Threat to the relationship in fidelity, increase substance abuse, you name it, we've seen it. 17:08.606 --> 17:15.636 [SPEAKER_02]: Somebody just being like, enough, I am not happy, I cannot do this anymore, I will not live like this. 17:15.616 --> 17:17.919 [SPEAKER_02]: You know, so crisis can look like a lot of things. 17:18.380 --> 17:23.748 [SPEAKER_02]: Unfortunately, crisis is often the sort of ignition to change. 17:23.868 --> 17:28.736 [SPEAKER_02]: So what we want to say is like maybe talk to your partner before you get to the crisis. 17:29.417 --> 17:34.384 [SPEAKER_02]: So hopefully you avoid the crisis, but sometimes it leads to the crisis. 17:35.005 --> 17:44.880 [SPEAKER_02]: But what that does and what you could even do this weekend or this week with your partner is then you guys both acknowledge 17:44.860 --> 17:45.862 [SPEAKER_02]: this is happening. 17:46.484 --> 17:48.228 [SPEAKER_02]: I just listened to this podcast. 17:48.368 --> 17:49.411 [SPEAKER_02]: Please listen to it. 17:49.811 --> 17:51.435 [SPEAKER_02]: It's about the roommate phase. 17:52.077 --> 17:53.580 [SPEAKER_02]: I think we're definitely in it. 17:53.981 --> 17:55.104 [SPEAKER_02]: We've been there before. 17:55.164 --> 17:56.788 [SPEAKER_02]: We've never been there before. 17:57.289 --> 18:03.443 [SPEAKER_02]: We got to acknowledge it together because acknowledgement begins the road to repair. 18:03.575 --> 18:04.698 [SPEAKER_00]: love that road to repair. 18:04.738 --> 18:20.537 [SPEAKER_00]: We actually eaten a couple yesterday and it had been like a month or so that they had been in and she texted me today just like oh my gosh like we just totally forgot like how disconnected we were because it had been a month and he was traveling 18:20.517 --> 18:39.596 [SPEAKER_00]: She's just so thankful for the experience to be able to connect to her husband again, because they just got caught in that kind of roommate phase robotic phase again, and she was like, we still have a road ahead of us, like we still have a lot of work to do, but like just being able to connect with him that way again, like, thank you. 18:39.616 --> 18:41.901 [SPEAKER_00]: And it reminds me of that. 18:41.881 --> 18:53.095 [SPEAKER_00]: that road to repair, like it does take work to connect again in different ways, but it's so worth it because you know what it feels like when you're disconnected and it feels so bad and lonely. 18:53.135 --> 19:02.607 [SPEAKER_00]: And then having that moment of like, okay, even though it is a road like we're gonna do this because we want to feel connected, like humans want to feel connected. 19:02.587 --> 19:22.536 [SPEAKER_02]: and I would definitely like if you're the person going to your partner saying like I think we're in the the roommate phase let's get out of it or if you're the partner who's listening to this because your partner asked you to listen to it don't take it as like it's my fault or I'm being blamed but instead like we together are acknowledging 19:22.516 --> 19:32.531 [SPEAKER_02]: that we're in a routine that is not conducive to our connection because then we move into now we're going into action phase, right? 19:32.892 --> 19:37.579 [SPEAKER_02]: And what we're saying is we are going to prioritize emotional connection. 19:37.960 --> 19:48.456 [SPEAKER_02]: That five minutes in the morning that we spend reading our book and checking in with one another, that says like our emotional connection is important. 19:48.959 --> 19:59.529 [SPEAKER_00]: I was just listening to a TED talk today and it talked about how even when we are communicating that we're usually like communicating differently, even if it's about one thing. 19:59.569 --> 20:14.762 [SPEAKER_00]: So just to like clarify this, that you're both intentionally communicating about your emotional connection, like make sure you're on the same page about that, because if you're not careful, it could be like, hey, I really wanna feel connected. 20:14.782 --> 20:18.966 [SPEAKER_00]: And then the other person will go into like problem solving. 20:18.946 --> 20:20.128 [SPEAKER_00]: Like what does that mean? 20:20.208 --> 20:32.807 [SPEAKER_00]: And so just know that it's really important when you are creating these new rituals, routines, to get back on track, to get more deeply emotionally connected, that you're both like, hey, this is about our emotional connection. 20:32.847 --> 20:37.854 [SPEAKER_02]: And that emotional connection is built through small moments. 20:38.335 --> 20:41.119 [SPEAKER_02]: Small moments are greater than grand gestures, right? 20:41.460 --> 20:42.602 [SPEAKER_02]: Grand gestures are great. 20:42.662 --> 20:45.927 [SPEAKER_02]: And by the way, we have a retreat in Sedona coming up on October, so it's here. 20:45.947 --> 20:46.928 [SPEAKER_02]: Interesting in that. 20:46.908 --> 20:47.929 [SPEAKER_02]: just reach out to us. 20:48.250 --> 20:48.730 [SPEAKER_02]: Just reaching out to us. 20:48.750 --> 20:52.795 [SPEAKER_02]: Coaching at relationshiprenovation.com because that would be a grand gesture. 20:53.295 --> 21:07.312 [SPEAKER_02]: But a small gesture is our boggle game tonight is making sure this weekend before we launch into the day that we sit down and we settle a little prayer together and we connect emotionally, right? 21:07.792 --> 21:15.261 [SPEAKER_02]: That those small gestures will outweigh the one big gesture that you do, right? 21:15.241 --> 21:23.353 [SPEAKER_02]: Big gestures also are, again, they're wonderful, but they also have an air of desperation when you're not engaging in the small gestures. 21:23.373 --> 21:32.726 [SPEAKER_00]: And small gestures actually create consistency, but more so they build trust that it'll be okay. 21:33.628 --> 21:35.531 [SPEAKER_00]: So small moments are really important. 21:35.551 --> 21:37.814 [SPEAKER_00]: And again, they don't have to be grand. 21:37.834 --> 21:39.276 [SPEAKER_00]: It can just be like, wow, you're enough. 21:39.316 --> 21:40.658 [SPEAKER_00]: I want you to know I love you. 21:40.807 --> 21:56.086 [SPEAKER_02]: inevitably there's going to be a point here and this goes into the next one where you're going to try to make sense of how you ended up feeling like roommates and the air you want to bring into that conversation is curiosity over assumptions, right? 21:56.126 --> 22:05.177 [SPEAKER_02]: Like Tara, I'm sure has assumptions that she makes about me about why we're not connecting what it's not priority. 22:05.157 --> 22:10.322 [SPEAKER_02]: Yes, over, over a curiosity and a willingness to like talk about it. 22:10.703 --> 22:16.348 [SPEAKER_02]: Curiosity also plays into the small moments of like, how are you? 22:16.649 --> 22:23.756 [SPEAKER_00]: I feel like curiosity, like a good question for this is like, what's that like for you to be in the roommate phase? 22:23.996 --> 22:24.477 [SPEAKER_00]: Right? 22:24.497 --> 22:28.040 [SPEAKER_00]: Like what is your experience like and then sharing from there? 22:28.060 --> 22:29.582 [SPEAKER_00]: I feel like that's really vulnerable. 22:29.602 --> 22:30.643 [SPEAKER_00]: It's a great question. 22:30.823 --> 22:31.203 [SPEAKER_00]: Yes. 22:31.223 --> 22:32.485 [SPEAKER_00]: Instead of the assumption. 22:32.505 --> 22:32.785 [SPEAKER_00]: Yes. 22:32.967 --> 22:55.870 [SPEAKER_02]: And we've mentioned this like over and over and over as far as what we do and I think it's incredibly important is creating intentional connection rituals right that we check it in the morning or we check in at night or if you're not already a member of our Patreon community, which there's a link in the show notes and you can join for free. 22:55.850 --> 23:01.799 [SPEAKER_02]: There's also paid memberships where you can jump in and become a part of our relationship or innovation at home program. 23:02.200 --> 23:06.025 [SPEAKER_02]: But just joining that, we have a tip of the day that comes out. 23:06.206 --> 23:06.827 [SPEAKER_00]: To everybody. 23:06.947 --> 23:07.908 [SPEAKER_02]: Yeah, to everybody. 23:07.968 --> 23:08.449 [SPEAKER_02]: It's free. 23:08.890 --> 23:20.828 [SPEAKER_02]: And it's going to give you some sort of connecting, a way to connect, a thought, a concept, maybe an intervention, like finding intentional 23:20.808 --> 23:31.381 [SPEAKER_02]: our Patreon community is an amazing way to do that for free and give you a tip every day that's going to give you something to go to your partner about. 23:31.401 --> 23:43.255 [SPEAKER_00]: And it'll always be something different because sometimes it'll be like a struggle that you and I are going through but that like we've repaired it quickly and so like every day is different but it's like again food for a thought 23:43.235 --> 23:50.805 [SPEAKER_00]: around intentionality in your relationship, which is what creates significant change and transition is intentionality. 23:51.266 --> 23:52.648 [SPEAKER_02]: So let me recap real quick. 23:52.748 --> 23:53.970 [SPEAKER_02]: What reconnects couples? 23:54.190 --> 23:56.714 [SPEAKER_02]: Unfortunately, crisis is often the beginning. 23:57.074 --> 24:00.178 [SPEAKER_02]: But from there, they're acknowledging their road to repair. 24:00.218 --> 24:03.243 [SPEAKER_02]: They're beginning to prioritize emotional connection. 24:03.663 --> 24:07.188 [SPEAKER_02]: They realize that small moments are bigger than big gestures. 24:07.649 --> 24:11.554 [SPEAKER_02]: They use curiosity instead of assuming things about one another. 24:11.534 --> 24:15.702 [SPEAKER_02]: And then they create intentional connection rituals. 24:15.843 --> 24:26.304 [SPEAKER_02]: And now, Tara is going to tell you about the one big mistake that will surely make things worse if you're in the roommate face. 24:26.745 --> 24:27.366 [SPEAKER_02]: Yes. 24:28.088 --> 24:52.695 [SPEAKER_00]: When you get into that roommate phase and you, I guess the biggest mistake is you surrender to it, you resign to it because you don't know any different, then there's this significant loss of like identity, autonomy, uniqueness, because right in the beginning of your relationship, you feel beautiful and wanted and seen and you know your partners doing all these things to like, 24:52.878 --> 24:58.544 [SPEAKER_00]: make you feel special and like you just have your, your groove. 24:58.564 --> 25:09.316 [SPEAKER_00]: And it's like, because I noticed feeling like all of a sudden, it's like, gosh, even if I like get dressed up and do my makeup, like my partner does even say, wow, you look beautiful today. 25:09.336 --> 25:16.744 [SPEAKER_00]: Because you kind of have like within that roommate phase, you've literally lost a sense of a piece of your individuality. 25:17.905 --> 25:21.889 [SPEAKER_00]: And it's 25:21.869 --> 25:25.374 [SPEAKER_00]: But a lot of people get trapped in, like, they've lost themselves. 25:25.514 --> 25:36.107 [SPEAKER_00]: And so, you know, regardless of what happens in your relationship in their roommate phase, like, for you as an individual, like, you cannot lose that spark about you, right? 25:36.147 --> 25:40.053 [SPEAKER_00]: That spark is what made your partner see you in the first place. 25:40.934 --> 25:44.178 [SPEAKER_00]: And so, this is all about gaining your spark back. 25:44.218 --> 25:48.163 [SPEAKER_00]: So you're not a robot so that you can live your life fully. 25:48.143 --> 25:55.410 [SPEAKER_00]: and feel bright, like a bright light and do what we're supposed to do here instead of just be robot. 25:55.430 --> 26:04.559 [SPEAKER_02]: So I guess that's- So do not make the big mistake of resigning, of just giving up and saying this is just where we're stuck. 26:05.100 --> 26:14.809 [SPEAKER_02]: Cycle back to that acknowledging we're in this phase, begin to talk about it, prioritize your emotional connection. 26:14.789 --> 26:16.852 [SPEAKER_02]: this is 100% doable. 26:17.412 --> 26:19.815 [SPEAKER_02]: It's built through small steps. 26:20.636 --> 26:22.458 [SPEAKER_02]: Join that Patreon community. 26:22.899 --> 26:33.752 [SPEAKER_02]: Join us with it because what we are, what we're doing here is we're creating a community of people who prioritize their relationship, who recognize it's okay. 26:33.792 --> 26:34.733 [SPEAKER_02]: We make mistakes. 26:35.294 --> 26:44.425 [SPEAKER_02]: We fall into patterns that don't 26:44.405 --> 26:49.832 [SPEAKER_00]: And we can all hold each other accountable for just being intentional and not letting busy lives take us over. 26:49.852 --> 26:50.312 [SPEAKER_00]: It's not fair. 26:50.612 --> 26:52.114 [SPEAKER_02]: I'm feeling a lot more hopeful right now. 26:52.174 --> 26:54.797 [SPEAKER_02]: I'm feeling like we can break out of the roommate phase there. 26:54.818 --> 26:55.278 [SPEAKER_00]: We grab this. 26:55.879 --> 26:57.200 [SPEAKER_00]: And Izzy's going home and tomorrow. 26:57.981 --> 27:00.444 [SPEAKER_00]: As always, thank you so much for listening. 27:00.504 --> 27:01.706 [SPEAKER_00]: Take care of yourself. 27:01.746 --> 27:02.607 [SPEAKER_00]: Take care of each other. 27:02.627 --> 27:14.361 [SPEAKER_01]: Bye-bye.