WEBVTT 00:04.503 --> 00:09.530 [SPEAKER_00]: My job is to somehow make them curious enough. 00:09.911 --> 00:19.765 [SPEAKER_00]: I'll persuade them by hook or crow to get more aware of themselves and where they came from and what they are into and what is already there. 00:20.025 --> 00:21.547 [SPEAKER_00]: It's just to bring it out. 00:21.567 --> 00:28.317 [SPEAKER_00]: This is what compels me to compel them and I will do it by whatever means necessary. 00:29.360 --> 00:39.035 [SPEAKER_01]: We'll talk to the Black Girls Hill podcast where we talk about healer, intimacy disorders, and resolve trauma, and building a healthy relationship with first ourselves, and then others. 00:39.856 --> 00:46.025 [SPEAKER_01]: Every episode, we will talk about advice you can apply today to bring unhealthy patterns and grow in your self-worth. 00:46.666 --> 00:50.191 [SPEAKER_01]: I'm Shinella Shay, I love addition coach and trauma specialists. 00:50.211 --> 00:51.233 [SPEAKER_01]: Let's begin. 00:53.913 --> 00:56.458 [SPEAKER_01]: Hello, hello, welcome to our latest episode. 00:56.599 --> 01:01.148 [SPEAKER_01]: Today we are talking about how do you heal when you are healing alone? 01:01.529 --> 01:10.588 [SPEAKER_01]: What does it look like when you don't have the accountability, the friendships, the deep inner circle that is on the same path as you are to help you in the healing journey? 01:10.568 --> 01:13.552 [SPEAKER_01]: I help women heal from intimacy disorders. 01:13.973 --> 01:20.803 [SPEAKER_01]: I did group coaching specifically because I found that women heal better from intimacy disorders and community. 01:21.083 --> 01:33.762 [SPEAKER_01]: When you have someone else there to hold your pain with you, to say I've been there before, to encourage you, to reflect back what is happening, to let you know that you're not making this up, and that there's a better path for you. 01:33.782 --> 01:39.090 [SPEAKER_01]: I just found that women got better faster when they had sisterhood and triputed. 01:39.070 --> 01:46.480 [SPEAKER_01]: Whether or not women were people that they ended up being best friends with forever, or people who were just there for a season, it helped immensely. 01:46.520 --> 01:58.277 [SPEAKER_01]: And I get to community as something that we really benefit from outside of the healing process just in our everyday life, to have friends, to have loved ones, to have partners, that people that we co-create are lives with. 01:58.257 --> 02:12.249 [SPEAKER_01]: However, when we are healing from something, whether or not it's we're greeting, we're working through depression and anxiety, we're working through breaking from unhealthy relationship patterns, healing our inner child, forgiving ourselves, stepping into our highest self. 02:12.650 --> 02:17.160 [SPEAKER_01]: Community is an incredibly powerful tool to help us work through this process. 02:17.140 --> 02:40.330 [SPEAKER_01]: So when you're finally ready to face the shadow parts of yourself, you're finally ready to go deeper into your healing process and an earth something that you no longer want to be there and to break some generational cycles doing it alone not only feels hard or harder, but for those of us who are connected to our sense of wanting to have that community wanting to have that tripod. 02:40.310 --> 02:50.373 [SPEAKER_01]: when you look around and realize you don't have those people or the people that you do have or they're exact people that are causing you emotional distress right now so they're not safe that could feel like a double whammy. 02:50.714 --> 02:51.896 [SPEAKER_01]: And so I'm aware of that. 02:51.937 --> 02:56.547 [SPEAKER_01]: I'm aware that so many of us are in this place where we are in the in between. 02:56.527 --> 02:59.391 [SPEAKER_01]: We're leaving behind relationships and no longer work for us. 02:59.511 --> 03:04.178 [SPEAKER_01]: We are open for the ones that do work for us, but we still haven't met those people yet. 03:04.538 --> 03:07.262 [SPEAKER_01]: And if we have met those people, we're still building with them. 03:07.382 --> 03:09.004 [SPEAKER_01]: So what do we do in the meantime? 03:09.365 --> 03:10.747 [SPEAKER_01]: That is what we're going to talk about today. 03:11.087 --> 03:20.340 [SPEAKER_01]: I decided to do this topic because I'm writing a book on no contact for love addicts and in my no contact process, it's a 90 day self-love healing detox. 03:20.320 --> 03:27.194 [SPEAKER_01]: to rewire your relationships with others that are unavailable for you to create space for the relationships that you want. 03:27.495 --> 03:34.349 [SPEAKER_01]: And the last part of the book that I've just edited at the time that I'm recording this is going through the intricacies of the process. 03:34.850 --> 03:39.139 [SPEAKER_01]: And one of the parts of the process is encouraging you to find accountability. 03:39.119 --> 04:01.339 [SPEAKER_01]: And I know like I just said in the intro that there are going to be so many of us that don't have that right now or we do have community around us, but maybe they're at an emotional or spiritual level that is not in line with us like maybe we were further along maybe we're more mature maybe there are some things that we see as issues that they don't maybe the best that they can do is say that I I'll be here for you. 04:01.379 --> 04:02.160 [SPEAKER_01]: I'll pray for you. 04:02.240 --> 04:03.102 [SPEAKER_01]: I'll make you a cake. 04:03.082 --> 04:06.728 [SPEAKER_01]: I'll do something, but they can't really go to that place for us. 04:07.089 --> 04:08.892 [SPEAKER_01]: What do we do when that's where we are? 04:08.912 --> 04:13.739 [SPEAKER_01]: So I want to meet us where many of us might be to help British escape. 04:13.760 --> 04:28.684 [SPEAKER_01]: So I have four steps and I might add a couple on, but the four things for you to do in an unnecessarily steps, but they are tips and you can do them in this order, or you can just take one or two that may apply to you or that you may feel a lot of resonance with. 04:28.664 --> 04:39.662 [SPEAKER_01]: So the first one that you may or may not feel resonance with depending on where you are in the acceptance of that you are building community or your looking for community is two degrees. 04:40.023 --> 04:49.558 [SPEAKER_01]: So it is possible to not only grieve people who have passed away, but is possible to grieve the fantasy of who a personal relationship could or should have been. 04:49.538 --> 05:03.816 [SPEAKER_01]: So many of us may be doing that process or have done that process when there is been a breakup, when there has been a separation from a person, when there has been a removal from a work situation, looking at me, and this is what I thought it would be, and you're looking backwards, right? 05:03.856 --> 05:12.947 [SPEAKER_01]: So you're looking back in the past, and you're thinking, I thought that this was going to be really wonderful, and this is how it started off, and you're moving through all the sadness of what could have been. 05:12.927 --> 05:13.849 [SPEAKER_01]: and what should have been. 05:13.989 --> 05:28.841 [SPEAKER_01]: And so the stages of grief include sadness, feeling anger around it, bargaining and looking back and saying what you could have done differently and what they should have done differently and trying to work it out of your mind to create a new outcome, even though that's not possible now. 05:28.881 --> 05:30.565 [SPEAKER_01]: And of course, acceptance. 05:30.545 --> 05:39.659 [SPEAKER_01]: denial is also one of those stages, but I'm skipping that for now because if we're at this place you're realizing that there's pain that's happening. 05:40.000 --> 05:50.356 [SPEAKER_01]: And so my encouragement for someone who's already at that place is just technology feelings that you may have and sadness, anger, bargaining, and then eventual acceptance that this is what happened. 05:50.797 --> 05:54.983 [SPEAKER_01]: And this type of situation, the grief may 05:54.963 --> 06:03.740 [SPEAKER_01]: So not what happened and what could have happened in the past, but what you thought your feature will look like, what you thought you're today would look like. 06:03.921 --> 06:07.909 [SPEAKER_01]: So today I thought at this age, I would have my best friends. 06:08.089 --> 06:11.837 [SPEAKER_01]: I thought that I would have some of that I could text at any point of time. 06:12.237 --> 06:15.604 [SPEAKER_01]: I thought I would have made up with the friend that I used to be close with. 06:15.584 --> 06:27.086 [SPEAKER_01]: I would have thought that I could depend and talk to my mother because I saw one of my other girlfriends has repaired her relationship with her mom and now they're a best friend so I thought my mom would have been at that level too. 06:27.106 --> 06:33.458 [SPEAKER_01]: I thought I would have found a different church home that I could actually trust and settle into and build roots. 06:33.438 --> 06:48.114 [SPEAKER_01]: And all the things that could have should have been, that you prayed for, that you worked towards, that you tried to manifest, that you journaled about, that you went to different meetups and you went to different places to try to find these people, it has a materialized. 06:48.574 --> 07:00.407 [SPEAKER_01]: And when that happens, when you get to a place where you have come to the end of yourself and what you have felt that you've been able to do, that grief can come and that grief can look like anger. 07:00.387 --> 07:02.571 [SPEAKER_01]: Ingrid, why is it so hard for me? 07:02.992 --> 07:05.496 [SPEAKER_01]: Ingrid, why are relationships so hard? 07:05.877 --> 07:10.846 [SPEAKER_01]: Why is it that when I try to talk to people and reach out to them, they are not available back? 07:10.866 --> 07:16.776 [SPEAKER_01]: Why are there people who say that they want to hang out and be my friend and they want to be there for me and then they disappear and go ghost? 07:16.756 --> 07:18.459 [SPEAKER_01]: And that is righteous anger. 07:18.519 --> 07:19.842 [SPEAKER_01]: That is legitimate anger. 07:19.902 --> 07:21.665 [SPEAKER_01]: You are feeling rejected. 07:21.725 --> 07:23.028 [SPEAKER_01]: You're feeling abandoned. 07:23.048 --> 07:24.290 [SPEAKER_01]: You're feeling alone. 07:24.771 --> 07:29.220 [SPEAKER_01]: And because you're feeling a shift that opportunity for companionship is being with hell from you. 07:29.641 --> 07:37.195 [SPEAKER_01]: And anytime you have a resource that you feel is being with hell from you, anger is an appropriate emotion and makes sense for the situation. 07:37.343 --> 08:00.735 [SPEAKER_01]: And companionship and community is a resource that we need as human beings, especially if you're a someone who has moved to that place where you have verbalized and you know your heart that that's what you want not having access to that is very painful and so grieving means acknowledging that anger feeling it all the way through talking about it journaling about it getting it out there. 08:00.715 --> 08:03.218 [SPEAKER_01]: sharing that frustration so there's not inside of you. 08:03.638 --> 08:06.662 [SPEAKER_01]: Sadness may also come with that, so they're loneliness around it. 08:06.762 --> 08:10.026 [SPEAKER_01]: The despair, the vulnerability around it. 08:10.406 --> 08:18.235 [SPEAKER_01]: Again, like I said, that feeling of not being able to change the situation because you've worked as hard as you could to try to put yourself out there. 08:18.696 --> 08:28.647 [SPEAKER_01]: Maybe you have not put yourself out there because you have very strong social anxiety, 08:28.627 --> 08:51.208 [SPEAKER_01]: You are someone who has been bullied by other black women and you don't want to make friends with people who are non black, but you find that when you go into black spaces, whether not as real or in your head, you feel as if you don't fit. 08:51.188 --> 09:02.382 [SPEAKER_01]: and I've said this before and you may have heard this from the other healers or teachers in your life, but emotions when you allow yourself to feel them are temporary. 09:02.422 --> 09:10.231 [SPEAKER_01]: They come in, you feel it, you feeling your body when you're not pushing it down, you're not repressing it, they feel it, and then they move on. 09:10.291 --> 09:12.454 [SPEAKER_01]: They're like waves, they come up and they come down. 09:12.434 --> 09:19.365 [SPEAKER_01]: Now, there have been some clients that I've had to talk to about this because when they're telling me about the feelings that they're feeling. 09:19.746 --> 09:23.512 [SPEAKER_01]: It crosses from unprocessing my feelings to now a ruminating it. 09:23.873 --> 09:28.841 [SPEAKER_01]: I love myself feel sad, I let myself feel angry, and I've lost a day of productivity. 09:29.242 --> 09:35.472 [SPEAKER_01]: And then as up to two days and three days, and I'm still feeling low, I'm still feeling sad, I'm still feeling despair. 09:35.452 --> 09:45.491 [SPEAKER_01]: If you find that in you sitting in your emotions and feeling your feelings is only bringing you down, then maybe there is a different tactic that you need to take. 09:45.832 --> 09:53.907 [SPEAKER_01]: Some of us, the ways that we have built our feelings, have looked more like the rumination, and that is how our body has kept us stuck. 09:54.188 --> 09:57.915 [SPEAKER_01]: So remember, I've talked in previous episodes about how our body sees. 09:57.895 --> 09:59.898 [SPEAKER_01]: feelings and emotions that are familiar. 09:59.918 --> 10:18.525 [SPEAKER_01]: And so if it is used to us feeling sad and hopeless and depressed, and that has helped protect us from stepping out there and getting disappointed whenever it's time for us to step out there and do something different, those feelings of sadness of despair, of helplessness are going to come rushing back and they're going to feel very strong. 10:18.865 --> 10:23.532 [SPEAKER_01]: It's going to give you all this evidence that if you try again, it's not going to work out. 10:23.512 --> 10:25.234 [SPEAKER_01]: even though it's no longer real. 10:25.435 --> 10:33.366 [SPEAKER_01]: Especially if you have more insight, if you have more access to resources to people to tools and community, you can help you break that cycle. 10:33.686 --> 10:35.649 [SPEAKER_01]: Your body is just trying to keep you safe. 10:36.029 --> 10:50.970 [SPEAKER_01]: So if you find that feeling these emotions and processing them is making you feel less like yourself and further away from the goal that you want to have, then maybe the technique you need to have is looking for the positive alternatives. 10:50.950 --> 10:57.297 [SPEAKER_01]: So here are the stories that I have in my head and maybe I can do a different episode for this tool or technique. 10:57.317 --> 11:01.021 [SPEAKER_01]: You all can let me know if you would like that in the comments or send me a DM and let me know. 11:01.061 --> 11:05.205 [SPEAKER_01]: But it will look like, okay, here's a thought that I'm having about this situation. 11:05.225 --> 11:11.552 [SPEAKER_01]: I am sad because I don't have the friendships that I want and that means I'm going to be alone forever. 11:11.592 --> 11:14.595 [SPEAKER_01]: And that's the thought that's replaying in your mind over and over. 11:14.575 --> 11:18.841 [SPEAKER_01]: and alternative positive thought could be right now in this season. 11:19.002 --> 11:23.148 [SPEAKER_01]: I don't have the friendships that I want, but it is still possible for me to make friends. 11:23.608 --> 11:32.542 [SPEAKER_01]: So we're not lying to ourselves because we're acknowledging that this is what is happening right now, but there is a possibility that this could happen in the future. 11:32.582 --> 11:33.864 [SPEAKER_01]: The future is not written. 11:33.984 --> 11:39.452 [SPEAKER_01]: It is possible that I can make friends is possible that I can create relationships that I want. 11:39.432 --> 11:49.643 [SPEAKER_01]: And that even having that there's a possibility, it's still giving some vocal room and nuance, because a lot of affirmations and a lot of things would be like, and I will make friends. 11:49.863 --> 11:51.204 [SPEAKER_01]: And I can make friends. 11:51.745 --> 11:58.892 [SPEAKER_01]: And like I've said in the examples, you may have years, decades, many months of evidence otherwise. 11:58.952 --> 12:00.374 [SPEAKER_01]: So your body will reject that. 12:00.694 --> 12:05.079 [SPEAKER_01]: So can I start to instead of me really focusing on these feelings? 12:05.479 --> 12:08.983 [SPEAKER_01]: Can I start to introduce some hope in a 12:08.963 --> 12:13.187 [SPEAKER_01]: But the reason why this is an important step is because these feelings will keep you stuck. 12:13.608 --> 12:33.908 [SPEAKER_01]: You need to move through these emotions whether or not it's feeling the anger and the sadness and maybe some of the bargaining of maybe I should have saved friends with this person and maybe I should have cut this person off before and maybe if I was a dating this person this wouldn't have gotten away and maybe if I didn't have this insecurity or maybe if I loved myself more you know these other relationships would have worked out I would be in this place. 12:33.888 --> 12:39.315 [SPEAKER_01]: After you've worked through all of that, and done all of that, now you're more open for solutions. 12:39.655 --> 12:42.860 [SPEAKER_01]: You get to a place for like, okay, this I felt it. 12:42.920 --> 12:43.681 [SPEAKER_01]: I thought about it. 12:44.061 --> 12:46.905 [SPEAKER_01]: Now I have the power to make a different change. 12:46.945 --> 12:48.046 [SPEAKER_01]: What is it that I want to do? 12:48.407 --> 12:50.309 [SPEAKER_01]: And that's where the acceptance of is at. 12:50.690 --> 12:58.299 [SPEAKER_01]: I don't currently have the tribe that I want, and I'm still going to heal, and I'm still going to get the life that I want, so I don't have the friendships yet. 12:58.740 --> 13:00.402 [SPEAKER_01]: What am I going to do for myself now? 13:00.382 --> 13:15.283 [SPEAKER_01]: So after you have process these feelings in a child wounds may come out, if you have been working through these feelings, journaling about them, tapping through them, meditating through them, praying through them, whatever that looks like for you, doing breath work from around it. 13:15.644 --> 13:19.810 [SPEAKER_01]: And you have moved to a place of either at acceptance or closer to acceptance. 13:19.830 --> 13:26.119 [SPEAKER_01]: The next thing that I would suggest for you to do is you can write an encouraging letter to yourself. 13:26.099 --> 13:30.403 [SPEAKER_01]: a repairing team letter to yourself that you can use as a tool going forward. 13:30.763 --> 13:32.205 [SPEAKER_01]: So what do I mean by that? 13:32.505 --> 13:42.515 [SPEAKER_01]: I want you to imagine if you had a dear friend or a loved one who was at the same place that you are right now, that she had felt the feeling to you felt she's had the relationship that she's had. 13:42.915 --> 13:51.003 [SPEAKER_01]: She is on the same healing journey, she wants the same things that you want right now and the vision that she has for her life and a feature matches yours. 13:51.463 --> 13:53.305 [SPEAKER_01]: What other things that you would say to her? 13:53.285 --> 13:56.393 [SPEAKER_01]: What are the things that you would say to her about what she's already experienced? 13:56.774 --> 14:02.108 [SPEAKER_01]: You know, Tammy, these are the things that have gone on with you before and I'm so sorry that those happen to you. 14:02.429 --> 14:04.895 [SPEAKER_01]: You never deserve for this person to say this to you. 14:04.915 --> 14:09.066 [SPEAKER_01]: You never deserve for this person to not show up for you in this way. 14:09.046 --> 14:14.272 [SPEAKER_01]: This person should have given you this, this person should have always protected you. 14:14.393 --> 14:20.921 [SPEAKER_01]: This person should have always and just go down what happened in the past and what she would have wanted for them and what they deserve. 14:21.341 --> 14:31.594 [SPEAKER_01]: Now you talk about present day them, which is you, talk to them about how amazing they are, about how they deserve a second third 11th 14:31.574 --> 14:41.121 [SPEAKER_01]: You're probably encouraged them that their life is not over, that there's still hope that a new day comes every morning, that the sun is and will shine again. 14:41.161 --> 14:46.697 [SPEAKER_01]: And you're probably telling them all these incredible things to help them know that they still have a chance. 14:46.677 --> 15:09.072 [SPEAKER_01]: Many of us, we will go through maybe depressive episodes or times that we feel really hopeless, and then we'll get on the film with the girlfriend, whether or not someone who's close to us or someone that we know or an acquaintance at work, or someone in our everyday life, if we're a teacher, we'll talk to students, and we'll give them this amazing hope and outlook and positivity, and that's the exact words that we need for ourselves. 15:09.152 --> 15:14.220 [SPEAKER_01]: But there's some type of 15:14.200 --> 15:15.762 [SPEAKER_01]: And so you have it inside of you. 15:16.022 --> 15:18.004 [SPEAKER_01]: Every single one of you has it inside of you. 15:18.224 --> 15:30.798 [SPEAKER_01]: I have met someone who have been the most, someone who made lean, someone who made even self-described as being some pretty pessimistic people and not really looking at the bright side of life. 15:30.918 --> 15:42.891 [SPEAKER_01]: But let you tell them that you were going through a hard time and they snap into finding a way to pull you out to give you that messaging to give you those words of hope and love and self-belief. 15:42.871 --> 15:45.295 [SPEAKER_01]: So all of us have it inside of us. 15:45.836 --> 15:48.841 [SPEAKER_01]: It is whether or not we know how to give it to ourselves. 15:49.021 --> 15:55.953 [SPEAKER_01]: And so a lot of times, like I said, there's a wall or there's a veil up, but there's something about that goes away when it's for somebody else. 15:56.394 --> 16:03.225 [SPEAKER_01]: So you imagining this for somebody else, imagining that this is for a friend and encouraging you to write this out as if it is a letter. 16:03.205 --> 16:09.611 [SPEAKER_01]: This could end up being multiple pages before you to write it out exactly as you would tell that person. 16:09.992 --> 16:16.718 [SPEAKER_01]: If there's a part of you that tries to think about, well, this is for me and then you start to censor yourself and filter yourself and say, well, this isn't true. 16:17.038 --> 16:17.499 [SPEAKER_01]: Cut it out. 16:17.799 --> 16:18.600 [SPEAKER_01]: This isn't for you. 16:18.840 --> 16:21.943 [SPEAKER_01]: This is for our insert name and imagine who the person is. 16:21.983 --> 16:29.230 [SPEAKER_01]: You're encouraging her today with like how amazing she is and letting her know that hopeful happened and then you speak life over her. 16:29.210 --> 16:31.993 [SPEAKER_01]: you start to say and this is what I know is going to happen for you. 16:32.073 --> 16:33.575 [SPEAKER_01]: This is what's going to happen in your friendships. 16:33.835 --> 16:35.497 [SPEAKER_01]: This is what's going to happen in your relationships. 16:35.778 --> 16:37.420 [SPEAKER_01]: This is how you're going to feel about yourself. 16:37.680 --> 16:41.044 [SPEAKER_01]: This is what's coming tomorrow and you write all of that out. 16:41.424 --> 16:45.609 [SPEAKER_01]: And then after that is done, sign your name, that letter is now your letter. 16:45.749 --> 16:53.158 [SPEAKER_01]: That is a letter that is from your highest self speaking, prophetically speaking, encouragement over you that you can use going for. 16:53.138 --> 16:53.599 [SPEAKER_01]: Okay? 16:54.039 --> 16:58.304 [SPEAKER_01]: And with that, that letter you, you are becoming your own companion. 16:58.444 --> 17:03.670 [SPEAKER_01]: You are starting if especially if this is your first time doing something like this, it does not have to be perfect. 17:03.690 --> 17:05.533 [SPEAKER_01]: Just starting it is amazing. 17:05.933 --> 17:11.680 [SPEAKER_01]: You are starting to build that self-love relationship for yourself in a deeper or in a different way. 17:11.780 --> 17:18.267 [SPEAKER_01]: The third step is the one that's probably the most obvious, but I'm saving it, but it is get outside support. 17:18.628 --> 17:19.969 [SPEAKER_01]: Get outside support. 17:20.010 --> 17:22.993 [SPEAKER_01]: Again, healing is 17:22.973 --> 17:23.534 [SPEAKER_01]: process. 17:23.695 --> 17:27.423 [SPEAKER_01]: You're not going to be able to see all the things that you don't know that you don't know. 17:27.463 --> 17:32.654 [SPEAKER_01]: You're not going to be able to have different perspectives on alternatives in every part of your life. 17:33.075 --> 17:38.687 [SPEAKER_01]: Even though you may be super smart, even though you may be the confident and the person who helps everybody else. 17:38.667 --> 17:55.596 [SPEAKER_01]: You need other people to support you, especially if they are people who are experts in their craft, people who have helped other people do before, you need someone who's going to tell you the truth, you need someone who's going to allow you the space to work through what it is that you need, 17:55.576 --> 17:58.921 [SPEAKER_01]: And there are people who are ready and available to be that for you. 17:59.081 --> 18:01.344 [SPEAKER_01]: So of course, those people are therapists. 18:01.364 --> 18:17.247 [SPEAKER_01]: So finding someone who is a licensed mental health counselor in your area, especially with what you're just eating right now is just processing in space and going through what it is that you are feeling without a rush to work through it to allow whatever it is that you need in a moment to be there. 18:17.227 --> 18:26.437 [SPEAKER_01]: And then your therapist is hopefully someone who's going to be able to guide and help you connect the dots at different places or be silent and let you connect the dots yourself. 18:26.798 --> 18:43.977 [SPEAKER_01]: And your therapist, especially again, if it's someone that you build a real connection with, will hopefully be someone that you can be with for years, be with someone who's going to help you at different stages of your life, you know, work through the first set of goals that you're in and now you're able to work through all the other different levels of things that come up for you. 18:43.957 --> 19:08.631 [SPEAKER_01]: and then if or when you graduate for some people some people stay going every week for years and years and years on end some people stay for years and then they start to taper off because they start to feel better and then they come back when needed you know this is someone who is like your family doctor if you see them and taking care of your mental and emotional health is incredible and it helps you have that light in that connection especially if you are in a dark place. 19:08.611 --> 19:24.092 [SPEAKER_01]: Another example, especially if it's something like love addiction, unhealthy relationships, trauma-bonda relationships, and the nuances around it, a coach like myself, especially when they have therapeutic background and experience to help you work through these issues, but it's more interactive. 19:24.432 --> 19:25.714 [SPEAKER_01]: It's another great resource. 19:25.974 --> 19:27.497 [SPEAKER_01]: My clients are good to work with me. 19:27.517 --> 19:31.802 [SPEAKER_01]: I will give you space to talk about what you feel, but I'm always going to let you know what it is. 19:31.882 --> 19:32.323 [SPEAKER_01]: I think 19:32.303 --> 19:33.845 [SPEAKER_01]: I'm going to give you next steps. 19:33.985 --> 19:38.690 [SPEAKER_01]: I'm going to answer your questions and help you make your way outside of that darkening. 19:38.710 --> 19:41.513 [SPEAKER_01]: There is a plethora of other types of healers as well. 19:41.973 --> 20:01.855 [SPEAKER_01]: So depending on what it is that you need to work on, there are somematic experience, body workers, there are rakey workers, there are spiritual healers, there are religious teachers, pastors, leaders, as well, especially they are trained, they are actually trained in psychology and counseling, 20:01.835 --> 20:21.663 [SPEAKER_01]: And the reason why I do the fingers crossed is because when we're looking at our deepest wounds and our inner child trauma and all the things that come with that, we need to be careful that if we're going to someone to talk about what it is that we're feeling, that we're finding people that can be as clear as possible and not bias as possible. 20:22.163 --> 20:30.475 [SPEAKER_01]: Sometimes when we go to people who has more of a casual background, even when they're hearts out in the right place, 20:30.455 --> 20:33.600 [SPEAKER_01]: and opinions are not always psychologically sound. 20:33.620 --> 20:46.378 [SPEAKER_01]: A opinions can have you going in a direction that moves you closer to your turmoil and stops you from trusting yourself instead of helping you find what it is that you actually want and finding your own personal freedom and voice. 20:46.799 --> 20:52.227 [SPEAKER_01]: So we want to find people who understand that, it can actually help us find our personal truths. 20:52.207 --> 20:59.858 [SPEAKER_01]: And so the last thing for you to do if you were on this healing process by yourself is to separate yourself from all of the toxic influences. 21:00.219 --> 21:12.477 [SPEAKER_01]: So this one is also pretty on the nose because this is part of a multi-part series is on finishing this book on no contact, but that's why I'm also saving this for the end because it's already been a running theme. 21:12.457 --> 21:26.338 [SPEAKER_01]: But if you find that you're trying to heal and you have all these other people around you that are blocking your light, trying to sabotage you, trying to take away the different wins and stuff that you have, it's going to be like you take one step forward and five steps back. 21:26.619 --> 21:29.182 [SPEAKER_01]: You take two steps forward and a steps back. 21:29.383 --> 21:32.187 [SPEAKER_01]: You take three steps forward and then four steps back. 21:32.167 --> 21:41.385 [SPEAKER_01]: You will move forward, but the way you said they will interrupt and take away your focus, sometimes the sabotage looks like they're creating crises. 21:41.666 --> 21:53.770 [SPEAKER_01]: So many of us are surrounded by people that we take care of emotionally, mentally, spiritually, financially, and we're so focused on keeping everybody else okay and making sure that everybody else as far as they'll put out. 21:53.750 --> 21:57.175 [SPEAKER_01]: that we can focus on ourselves and that's how they sabotage us. 21:57.195 --> 21:58.737 [SPEAKER_01]: What does intentional or not? 21:59.138 --> 22:03.444 [SPEAKER_01]: It is a mental, emotional, physical, financial, spiritual drain. 22:03.825 --> 22:06.148 [SPEAKER_01]: And it stops us from being able to actually heal. 22:06.188 --> 22:11.396 [SPEAKER_01]: We have all these leaks in our aura, in our spirit, in our brain, in our mind. 22:11.436 --> 22:12.657 [SPEAKER_01]: We can't sleep at night. 22:12.978 --> 22:14.781 [SPEAKER_01]: We feel stressed and we don't know why. 22:14.821 --> 22:16.483 [SPEAKER_01]: And then we blame ourselves. 22:16.463 --> 22:19.868 [SPEAKER_01]: We blame ourselves as if we're not taking our healing process seriously. 22:19.949 --> 22:23.034 [SPEAKER_01]: As if we need to be stronger, I need to be better as self-care. 22:23.054 --> 22:25.397 [SPEAKER_01]: I need to be better at remembering myself. 22:25.478 --> 22:27.000 [SPEAKER_01]: I need to be better as self-abandoning. 22:27.321 --> 22:34.472 [SPEAKER_01]: No, you can't do all of that when you have people who have plugs inside of you in our literally draining your power. 22:34.452 --> 22:44.625 [SPEAKER_01]: you have to cut off these people that you are either willingly giving things to or they are taking from you and you need to put the oxygen mask in yourself. 22:44.885 --> 22:46.447 [SPEAKER_01]: You gotta start saying no, y'all. 22:46.748 --> 22:48.710 [SPEAKER_01]: Some of y'all are no I'm talking to somebody. 22:48.770 --> 22:49.892 [SPEAKER_01]: You need to hear this. 22:50.132 --> 22:55.459 [SPEAKER_01]: Your way that you need to cut off toxic influences is to start saying no to everybody. 22:55.819 --> 22:56.700 [SPEAKER_01]: Now, just one person. 22:56.920 --> 22:58.943 [SPEAKER_01]: Now, just two people to everybody. 22:59.003 --> 23:03.649 [SPEAKER_01]: You need to go in a mental, emotional, spiritual, sabbatical 23:03.629 --> 23:10.083 [SPEAKER_01]: and I've said this before too, most of you think that your level of selfishness is not selfish. 23:10.303 --> 23:21.267 [SPEAKER_01]: It is bare, minimal, bottom line, taking care of yourself, but it feels so foreign and it feels so wronging your body because you've never had a model to you and you've never done it before. 23:21.247 --> 23:27.394 [SPEAKER_01]: and you're very afraid that the world will crash and people will be mad at you and you'll lose everything, you'll lose your friends and you won't. 23:27.414 --> 23:29.136 [SPEAKER_01]: You will gain so much more. 23:29.176 --> 23:31.038 [SPEAKER_01]: You're first of all, they're not going to go away. 23:31.418 --> 23:33.180 [SPEAKER_01]: And if they do go away, they need to go away. 23:33.220 --> 23:41.149 [SPEAKER_01]: But what I find time and time again is that people are so surprised how the people that they were like, I can't say no to this person. 23:41.289 --> 23:42.571 [SPEAKER_01]: I can't step away. 23:42.591 --> 23:43.592 [SPEAKER_01]: I can't. 23:43.572 --> 23:46.277 [SPEAKER_01]: change because if I do, they'll be upset with me. 23:46.417 --> 23:47.619 [SPEAKER_01]: They won't be able to make it. 23:47.960 --> 23:49.963 [SPEAKER_01]: You know, I'll be ousted from the friend group. 23:50.064 --> 23:51.085 [SPEAKER_01]: I'll be disowned. 23:51.126 --> 23:58.118 [SPEAKER_01]: They will foreclose and they are always still surprised when they start that these people figure it out and also that they're still there. 23:58.298 --> 23:59.140 [SPEAKER_01]: But they still love you. 23:59.461 --> 24:02.807 [SPEAKER_01]: That even if they do get upset, they get over it and they move on. 24:03.047 --> 24:07.555 [SPEAKER_01]: And all the things that you had catastrophized and thought that you would lose doesn't happen. 24:07.535 --> 24:16.604 [SPEAKER_01]: And so once you get to that place, now you can kind of look back at different times and say, man, I could have done this sooner, but that's the process for a different day. 24:16.805 --> 24:18.807 [SPEAKER_01]: Right now, we are just trying to keep a flip. 24:18.887 --> 24:21.590 [SPEAKER_01]: And so I hope that these tips are helpful for you. 24:21.690 --> 24:29.157 [SPEAKER_01]: If you find that you're at a place where you're healing from all of these things and maybe different things that I haven't mentioned today, but you don't have a tribe around you. 24:29.177 --> 24:36.445 [SPEAKER_01]: I hope that finding outside support, becoming your own personal support with a letter or something similar to that. 24:36.425 --> 24:47.176 [SPEAKER_01]: grieving through all the emotions that you may have initially when you start to look at the fact that you may be alone in areas that you don't want to be alone and distancing yourself from people who are not good for you. 24:47.536 --> 24:53.142 [SPEAKER_01]: I hope that that helps you start to create space so that you can't call in those relationships. 24:53.623 --> 25:04.474 [SPEAKER_01]: I firmly believe that there's somebody for everyone and I know we usually use that phrase when it comes to romantic partnerships but I believe that to be true 25:04.454 --> 25:10.044 [SPEAKER_01]: For some of us, our soul tribe may look like a set of friends that we are friends with for 20, 30 years. 25:10.264 --> 25:15.072 [SPEAKER_01]: For some of us that might be a group of friends that we are close friends together for three, four years. 25:15.193 --> 25:17.737 [SPEAKER_01]: We run hard together and then we slowly drift apart. 25:18.058 --> 25:25.350 [SPEAKER_01]: And then we each start to find our own one or two close friends that we are with for the remainder of the time and then some new friends along the way. 25:25.370 --> 25:28.015 [SPEAKER_01]: For some of us, it's just one or two people. 25:27.995 --> 25:34.867 [SPEAKER_01]: But whatever the setup is, I believe that every person is deserving of that and you can have that. 25:35.167 --> 25:46.206 [SPEAKER_01]: And what will help us find those people is to clear out all the things that are clogging up the energetic pathways so that we can meet people who are open, who are ready to connect, who are available. 25:46.186 --> 25:52.093 [SPEAKER_01]: who are healed, who are self-accountable, to be our people, and for it to be mutual. 25:52.495 --> 25:53.781 [SPEAKER_01]: So that's it for now. 25:54.002 --> 25:54.987 [SPEAKER_01]: So much for joining me. 25:55.389 --> 25:56.996 [SPEAKER_01]: Let me know if you enjoy this episode. 25:57.277 --> 25:59.146 [SPEAKER_01]: And as always, I'll see you in the next one. 25:59.468 --> 26:00.432 [SPEAKER_01]: Take care, yourselves.