[SPEAKER_00]: My job is to somehow make them curious enough.
[SPEAKER_00]: I'll persuade them by hook or crow to get more aware of themselves and where they came from and what they are into and what is already there.
[SPEAKER_00]: It's just to bring it out.
[SPEAKER_00]: This is what compels me to compel them and I will do it by whatever means necessary.
[SPEAKER_01]: We'll talk to the Black Girls Hill podcast where we talk about healer, intimacy disorders, and resolve trauma, and building a healthy relationship with first ourselves, and then others.
[SPEAKER_01]: Every episode we will talk about advice you can apply today to bring unhealthy patterns and grow in your self-worth.
[SPEAKER_01]: I'm Shinella Shay, I love addition coach and trauma specialists.
[SPEAKER_01]: Let's begin.
[SPEAKER_01]: Hello, hello.
[SPEAKER_01]: And welcome to the latest episode of Black Girls Hill.
[SPEAKER_01]: Today, we are talking about why your feelings need structure.
[SPEAKER_01]: So I'm an mental writing a book on no contact and help you women use it as a 90 day self-love detox from toxic and unhealthy relationships.
[SPEAKER_01]: And to do no contact with these types of relationships where you're a trauma bonded, your feelings are going to get in the way.
[SPEAKER_01]: They're going to go in the way because they are super loud.
[SPEAKER_01]: They are super strong.
[SPEAKER_01]: They feel as if they are the ultimate truth.
[SPEAKER_01]: And these feelings are what keeps us connected to people who are doing harm to us.
[SPEAKER_01]: Whether or not the harm is emotional, mental, spiritual, sexual, financial,
[SPEAKER_01]: These are the relationships we need to cut our trauma bonds with.
[SPEAKER_01]: These are the relationships we need to cut our attachments with.
[SPEAKER_01]: But feelings can feel so overwhelming that they feel impossible to overpower.
[SPEAKER_01]: And so during a process like no contact is going to help you regain your power and situations where you feel powerless.
[SPEAKER_01]: However, as logically sound as that, premise may be, enacting it is incredibly hard.
[SPEAKER_01]: It is one of the hardest things she will ever do.
[SPEAKER_01]: I'm saying there's not only a son who is how women do this on my side of the chair and for those who are my coaching clients helping them do it online and different places all over the world from Australia to Africa to the UK to here in the US.
[SPEAKER_01]: But also as a woman who's had to go through this process herself, I've had to do no contact with people who I felt I was deeply connected to.
[SPEAKER_01]: I'm not going to say in love with some of these people because of course, hindsight is 2020, but definitely people that I was afraid that if I separated from them, I didn't know what was going to happen.
[SPEAKER_01]: I didn't know what's going to happen to me emotionally.
[SPEAKER_01]: I felt like they were deeply connected to my feature.
[SPEAKER_01]: I felt like they were deeply connected to my self-esteem and self-worth.
[SPEAKER_01]: I felt like they were cornerstones to different relationships that I had.
[SPEAKER_01]: And a feature in a
[SPEAKER_01]: life outside of that seemed impossible.
[SPEAKER_01]: And this is a common refrain from many women who I have supported with the relationships that they have had to restructure over their life.
[SPEAKER_01]: And what happens is many people try to negotiate with this at first.
[SPEAKER_01]: Because the feelings are so strong, they try to go from a place of what feels good in the moment.
[SPEAKER_01]: So I'm going to go over some of the ways that your feelings may tell your stories that they may lie to you so that you can be clear on what the truth is to help you break this cycle in your life.
[SPEAKER_01]: Now what I'm going to be talking about, even though I'm using it from the premise of no context because I'm currently writing a book on it, this is the section of the book that I'm currently on and so I'm sharing some
[SPEAKER_01]: direct support and some behind-the-scenes lessons with you here.
[SPEAKER_01]: However, the concept of redefining your relationship with your feelings can be used with any type of feeling work you're in right now.
[SPEAKER_01]: Whether or not is no contact or breaking trauma-boundary relationships with people, if you're working on healing inner child wounds, and there are different stories and really intense feelings that are coming up there.
[SPEAKER_01]: Whether or not you are setting boundaries with other people and breaking patterns of codependency and you have really strong feelings when it comes to that, whether or not you healing your relationship with your own sense of self work, with feelings of anxiety, the different types of lies I'm going to be talking about today can probably be applied to most situations.
[SPEAKER_01]: And so as always take what you need and leave the rest.
[SPEAKER_01]: However, for the sake of today's episode, most examples that I'm going to be using are going to be around the concept of no contact and romantic relationships with people who are unavailable to you.
[SPEAKER_01]: So the first way that your feelings may lie to you when they are very intense is that it may tell you the story that these feelings will not only never fade, that they're only going to get bigger and for some of us that these feelings are so strong that we may feel like we will die from it.
[SPEAKER_01]: that the pain of what we're going through, the pain of the loss, the pain of the withdrawal, sometimes just an act of thinking about making changes can create so many intense feelings in our bodies, in our hearts, we will call our brain.
[SPEAKER_01]: It will freeze us or make us feel like we need to get away from it, right?
[SPEAKER_01]: So we will get into fighter flight mode and we will do anything to stop the intensity of that pain.
[SPEAKER_01]: And so, I need you to know that your feelings are not fact.
[SPEAKER_01]: that as intensive as they are as strong as they feel as hopeless as it may make you feel, they are just thoughts.
[SPEAKER_01]: Yes, you may have a physical sensation in your body because your body is trying to communicate things to you.
[SPEAKER_01]: It may be afraid of the change because it's unfamiliar, not because it's not the right change to make.
[SPEAKER_01]: Many of us may be a pattern of doing a habit or a way that we are not taking care of ourselves that our body is used to.
[SPEAKER_01]: is used to us hitting the alarm in the morning five times instead of getting up from work.
[SPEAKER_01]: It's used to us waiting into the last minute and procrastinating to get something them that we really need to get done.
[SPEAKER_01]: It's used to us just saying yes to something that we don't really want to do because we'll keep the peace.
[SPEAKER_01]: Our body issues to those patterns, even though there's consequences on the other side of it, getting reprimanded at work,
[SPEAKER_01]: Things being in tardy are done not to the quality that you wanted to be being stuck in situations that make you feel uncomfortable and now your energy and time is zapped.
[SPEAKER_01]: All of those things are consequences, but the idea, the feeling of doing something different, saying no, getting up when the first or maybe even second alarm goes off.
[SPEAKER_01]: Doing the thing right now in the moment when you have an abundance of time instead of procrastinating.
[SPEAKER_01]: Those are things that are uncomfortable, and those feelings are super strong.
[SPEAKER_01]: Do those feelings mean that you shouldn't do the thing that you feel urge to do, absolutely not, but it doesn't change the intensity of it.
[SPEAKER_01]: And so that's why it's very important for us to realize that our feelings are not facts.
[SPEAKER_01]: Our body may give us feelings, it may give us information because it's trying to keep the status quo.
[SPEAKER_01]: It's trying to keep us in a place that it knows what to do.
[SPEAKER_01]: It knows what to do when you're late.
[SPEAKER_01]: It knows what to do when you are in a codependent relationship.
[SPEAKER_01]: and knows how to keep the peace, but that doesn't mean that that's in your highest good.
[SPEAKER_01]: Now, unlearning this or walking through this perspective can be super hard, especially if you're someone who is very emotionally sensitive.
[SPEAKER_01]: We all have emotions.
[SPEAKER_01]: We all have feelings.
[SPEAKER_01]: Some of us of our empaths, some of us are highly sensitive.
[SPEAKER_01]: People, some of us may have some mood disorder things going on that makes us feel feelings even stronger.
[SPEAKER_01]: Some of us are spiritually gifted and
[SPEAKER_01]: Clearess Indians, clear cognizance.
[SPEAKER_01]: We're highly in touch with our spiritual selves and spirit in whatever form that it may connect to us.
[SPEAKER_01]: And so connecting to that felt sense, connecting to our gut, connecting to our intuition is very much a part of ourselves.
[SPEAKER_01]: It is what has led us
[SPEAKER_01]: into making decisions that have worked very well in our benefit.
[SPEAKER_01]: It has helped us with our discernment.
[SPEAKER_01]: It has helped us grow in our confidence.
[SPEAKER_01]: It has helped us connect to other people.
[SPEAKER_01]: And so needing to filter that or needing to kind of police that can feel very wobbly or foreign to us.
[SPEAKER_01]: I'm not going to say that it feels wrong because of your at this place where what I'm saying is connecting to you, you can probably tell that something is off.
[SPEAKER_01]: You can tell that for all of your intuition with all of your wisdom, with all of your knowledge, all of your self knowledge, you're still making decisions for yourself or not making decisions for yourself based on how you feel that's not working out.
[SPEAKER_01]: So this is about helping you learn how to differentiate what is God given, what is part of decisions for your highest good and what is old, temporarily ingrained trauma patterns in your nervous system.
[SPEAKER_01]: When and where are the times that your nervous system is giving off the same signals that your gut that your intuition that your inner knowledge is giving off to try to keep
[SPEAKER_01]: The relationships that you're in if you're considering no contact with people who are consistently being emotional and available, who are toxic, who are there a moment and then abandon you the neck.
[SPEAKER_01]: Those relationships are not in your highest good, but there's a reason that you're attracted to them.
[SPEAKER_01]: There's a reason that is hard for you to say no to them.
[SPEAKER_01]: There's a reason that it is hard for you to see the red flags when they're happening or where you do see them.
[SPEAKER_01]: You try to work with them and compromise and negotiate or try to change the other person.
[SPEAKER_01]: Those are all patterns that are very familiar.
[SPEAKER_01]: And so when you add structure, when you add a balance of logical mind in a thought process and structure to a very feeling person, you actually get balance.
[SPEAKER_01]: Is the ying in the game?
[SPEAKER_01]: So one of the therapeutic models that I am trained as called dialectical behavior therapy.
[SPEAKER_01]: and they have this concept called wise mind.
[SPEAKER_01]: When you're working with someone who's looking to find balance in their life when they've been having lots of ups and downs, a lot of traumatic relationships, a lot of negative thought processes about themselves, you're always encouraging your kind to help them find their wise mind.
[SPEAKER_01]: Their wise mind is that beautiful balance between their feeling mud and their logical mind.
[SPEAKER_01]: Some people, their problem is not that they are so
[SPEAKER_01]: They're always intellectualizing feelings away.
[SPEAKER_01]: They're not taking into account how some things are going to affect them emotionally down the road or affect other people, and that's also causing problems.
[SPEAKER_01]: And so we want to find the balance in between the two.
[SPEAKER_01]: So what no contact does the way that I teach it is not just that you're not going to talk to somebody for 90 days as a time period that I give people.
[SPEAKER_01]: because many of us have not talked to unhealthy people for years on end, but is during this time, here are the ways that I'm going to nourish myself, these are the ways that I'm going to reorient my relationships, these are the things that I'm going to do in the meantime.
[SPEAKER_01]: I talk about the whole process not only just no context, but also what you can do for those 90 days to restructure all of your relationships in my BJH method program.
[SPEAKER_01]: Here's what we're going to do with our boundaries.
[SPEAKER_01]: Here's what we're going to do with the trauma that causes.
[SPEAKER_01]: The use of the messages we're going to say to ourselves, the use of messages we're going to take away.
[SPEAKER_01]: This is how we're going to move forward in the each relationship.
[SPEAKER_01]: The use of the relationships I'm going to be looking for.
[SPEAKER_01]: This is how I find them.
[SPEAKER_01]: I talk about all of that in the BJH method program, and so I'm going to include a keep on code for today for those who are listening to this episode, who will like to enroll,
[SPEAKER_01]: it will be a short term coupon so make sure you take advantage while it is available.
[SPEAKER_01]: And if you are listening to this as audio on a podcast player, the link in the coupon code will be in the show notes as well.
[SPEAKER_01]: So the first way that feelings will try to lie to you is to tell you that you will die from these emotions.
[SPEAKER_01]: They will try to tell you that this is super strong and powerful and that you cannot overcome them and you can by finding balance.
[SPEAKER_01]: The second way that
[SPEAKER_01]: your feelings may lie to you or the story that they may tell you is that this is the best that is ever going to be.
[SPEAKER_01]: So if you have been stuck in really unhealthy relationships, especially if you're starting to wave before, if you start with childhood trauma, if you have some dysfunctional family relationships or relationships with other people who are supposed to be there for you, there's supposed to support you, there's supposed to be consistent, they're supposed to encourage you, and all those relationships are broken in some way.
[SPEAKER_01]: maybe they are the people who emotionally abuse you and criticize you, maybe they're the people who have model from the beginning how abandon you, whether or not it's physically emotionally mentally spiritually.
[SPEAKER_01]: Maybe they are very dominating and aggressive and narcissistic.
[SPEAKER_01]: And so those relationships were not great examples of how love could be.
[SPEAKER_01]: And so when you think about going into no contact or breaking this cycle, you're feeling may change into feelings of despair.
[SPEAKER_01]: feelings of lack will what's the point because even if I stop connecting to this person, there's no such thing as healthy love outside of this.
[SPEAKER_01]: That's just a fairy tale.
[SPEAKER_01]: Even if you get connections with other people is only going to go away.
[SPEAKER_01]: The best that I can get is maybe someone who treats me just a little bit better than the web before.
[SPEAKER_01]: But I'm not going to put a lot of hope out for it and just like I said before, those feelings of hope despair of loss of grief over a future that you're like, this is what I would like to happen, but that's not possible for me, those are all very strong feelings because your body is trying to keep you safe.
[SPEAKER_01]: It's trying to stop you from going out, putting yourself out there only to fail.
[SPEAKER_01]: Sometimes the fear of failure is not about what if I look bad, what if I do this wrong, what if I can't get it?
[SPEAKER_01]: Sometimes the fear of failure is what if I go out and I do this thing that I really want to do and I have been dreaming about for so long and I find out that the fantasy is not real.
[SPEAKER_01]: I find out that this world that I've built to my head is just smoking mirrors and it doesn't exist.
[SPEAKER_01]: And if it does exist, it must be for other people.
[SPEAKER_01]: So this storing your head that this is the best that I can get or that the good things that I want are not common enough.
[SPEAKER_01]: So maybe it's possible, but it's not common enough that everybody gets it so I should just subtle for what I have here.
[SPEAKER_01]: Those feelings, those thoughts that maybe low sense of self-worth or believe in that you're not
[SPEAKER_01]: a background where every time you have tried before something has gotten in the way so there's anticipation of failure, of roadblocks, of things happening to you, if you being the receiver, a really negative events may stop you from believing that there is better for you.
[SPEAKER_01]: And here's what I want to say about that.
[SPEAKER_01]: Here's the truth.
[SPEAKER_01]: For some things in our life, we are going to be doing this process, and we're going to be working, we're going to be healing, we're going to be going to therapy, you're going to be working with the coach.
[SPEAKER_01]: Hello, you're going to be getting help and support from other people.
[SPEAKER_01]: We're going to be reading, you're going to be studying, and it's going to come very quickly.
[SPEAKER_01]: It might now be easy per se, but it's going to click.
[SPEAKER_01]: It's going to fall into place.
[SPEAKER_01]: You're going to graduate to the next level and you're going to feel almost a media effects of what happens when you gain access to that knowledge.
[SPEAKER_01]: When I first started doing this work a decade plus ago now, that type of experience is what a lot of women who came to my fold would have just from listening to the first set of episodes.
[SPEAKER_01]: Just from having wordage around what was going on, love addiction to expand off of what they already knew about codependency, learning about different ways that childhood trauma can impact you, childhood emotional neglect and all that, looking at love avoidance in relation to love addiction and treating them as actually real intimacy disorders that deserve their own spotlight and treatment and not just a passing phrase, just having that type of knowledge and access.
[SPEAKER_01]: broke so many women free, right?
[SPEAKER_01]: It gave them that self-awareness and self-imparament to make changes, and that's incredible.
[SPEAKER_01]: So something like that, or something different, may have helped help so many of you before learning about depression, learning about different medication options,
[SPEAKER_01]: Learning about adult ADHD, which is another thing I hear has happened for so many people over the last five to 10 years of learning that that is a diagnosis that they qualify for and now being able to find tools to help them and they find that their emotional life in their physical life around them and their environment has drastically improved because they had access to that knowledge in that connection.
[SPEAKER_01]: That is wonderful.
[SPEAKER_01]: That does not happen with every single part of your healing process, though.
[SPEAKER_01]: There are maybe some things in your life that you will have the knowledge, you will have access to tools, you will have access to support, and it is going to be a slower process.
[SPEAKER_01]: That doesn't mean it's not working, it doesn't mean it's always going to be this way, it doesn't mean that all the work you've put in before has been for nothing, it means that it takes time.
[SPEAKER_01]: It takes time because maybe you need more lived experience.
[SPEAKER_01]: Maybe especially if you're working with breaking the cycles of unhealthy relationships, once you go through this process and you learn about yourself and you learn about what it is that you want, you need to have different relationships to practice with.
[SPEAKER_01]: So the next person that you go out in date might not be your person and might be another person that you get to learn how to cut ties with sooner rather than later.
[SPEAKER_01]: It might be a relationship that's super lovely and you date them for a while, and part of your healing is learning that one that there are lovely people everywhere that is actually normal to date and to connect with lovely people, but every lovely person that I did does not mean that that's my person.
[SPEAKER_01]: I have unlearned that I need to make every situation that I'm in work if I have a story about scarcity in my mind.
[SPEAKER_01]: Right.
[SPEAKER_01]: And then sometimes what takes time is you meet the person that is your person and now you have to learn how to love and how to be loved in a way that you didn't know that you needed to learn before.
[SPEAKER_01]: Now you're going deeper in their process and that takes time.
[SPEAKER_01]: You don't start off being perfect and I know that that's hard for many of us who may have perfectionism wounds.
[SPEAKER_01]: or your freight of messing things up, your freight of pushing people away, your freight of people leaving, especially if you struggle with love addiction symptoms, you know that anxious attachment around MIT much, or MIT not enough, and that balance between those are always going on.
[SPEAKER_01]: But all that to say, these feelings that tell you that this is how is always going to be.
[SPEAKER_01]: I've been working on this for so long.
[SPEAKER_01]: I've been working on these feelings.
[SPEAKER_01]: I've been working on these thoughts.
[SPEAKER_01]: I've been working on trying to cut this person off.
[SPEAKER_01]: I've been working on trying to restructure my relationships with people for so long and it's still here.
[SPEAKER_01]: If you're honest and you look back, are you the same person you were a year ago a month ago?
[SPEAKER_01]: Hack a day ago.
[SPEAKER_01]: Right?
[SPEAKER_01]: You are different.
[SPEAKER_01]: You are changing.
[SPEAKER_01]: There is movement.
[SPEAKER_01]: It's about having faith, not in a person or a process, but having faith in yourself and having faith knowing that I'm exactly where I need to be.
[SPEAKER_01]: I've been making incredible movement, things do work out for me, they get to work out for me, and get to have nice things.
[SPEAKER_01]: And again, we're changing our relationship with these feelings that are trying to protect us by having us give up.
[SPEAKER_01]: And it's a very interesting relationship that we have with our mind and our body that is our biggest defender, but sometimes it can be our biggest up.
[SPEAKER_01]: And as about us stepping out, externalizing it for a moment, realizing, okay, this is a part of me that just wants to protect me.
[SPEAKER_01]: These are the thoughts that are really just trying to help me stay safe.
[SPEAKER_01]: But I don't need them right now.
[SPEAKER_01]: So you can say thank you to these thoughts.
[SPEAKER_01]: You can say thank you to these emotions.
[SPEAKER_01]: Thank you for trying to be here for me.
[SPEAKER_01]: This is what I'm going to choose instead.
[SPEAKER_01]: For some of my deepest inner child wounds have come out depending on the different levels and things that I've been working on.
[SPEAKER_01]: When I haven't been to think about what is the affirmation I can say in response to whatever thought or feeling that I'm having, I will just say out loud, no, that's not true.
[SPEAKER_01]: That is not true.
[SPEAKER_01]: I am not that.
[SPEAKER_01]: This is not what's happening.
[SPEAKER_01]: No, no, no.
[SPEAKER_01]: Just saying no out loud interrupts that cycle.
[SPEAKER_01]: So when you start to give your feelings structure, they have a direction on where to go.
[SPEAKER_01]: Instead of just swadding feelings away and saying this is bad and I don't want to feel this way and I don't want to think this way, where are you going?
[SPEAKER_01]: What is the story that you want to start telling yourself?
[SPEAKER_01]: And do you know how to get there?
[SPEAKER_01]: do you have a process that helps you?
[SPEAKER_01]: Because again, the healing process can be so big or it is so big.
[SPEAKER_01]: And so having a system, even though it doesn't make it perfect, but having a system that you can work really helps you when you feel like you're walking through darkness to have a little bit of light that you're walking towards.
[SPEAKER_01]: to let you know that hope is coming.
[SPEAKER_01]: If you do not have a process for whatever it is that you're working on, of course, I'm talking about no contact today and I'll talk a little bit more about that in a moment.
[SPEAKER_01]: But if you do not have a system or a person or a guide helping you through this healing process and you are feeling lost, this might be your sign to get some extra support.
[SPEAKER_01]: Some of us want our need to wander at this point in our life and in this part of our journey, especially if we are coming from highly structured systems.
[SPEAKER_01]: You might actually be the opposite that you need to have more freedom and a free-flowing experience.
[SPEAKER_01]: But for those of us who feel like we have been lost and trying to figure this out on our own, getting additional support is a gift that you can give yourself.
[SPEAKER_01]: Like I said, the no contact process is one way that I help women do this for just 90 days.
[SPEAKER_01]: We don't have to worry about forever.
[SPEAKER_01]: We don't have to worry about
[SPEAKER_01]: What might happen two years from now?
[SPEAKER_01]: We don't have to even worry about what happened yesterday.
[SPEAKER_01]: We get to start now.
[SPEAKER_01]: Today is the only moment that we can control and we can give ourselves 90 days for the chance of freedom and happiness and joy on the other side of it.
[SPEAKER_01]: So, if you would like access to my full 90 day process to help not only with no contact, but exactly how do I restructure my relationship with myself and with others and break the cycle of love addiction and love avoidance in my life and in my relationships.
[SPEAKER_01]: You can check out the BGH method program, which is my main program where I help women break these cycles.
[SPEAKER_01]: And also as promised, there is a coupon code down below to give you a discount for listening to this episode.
[SPEAKER_01]: And you can get started immediately.
[SPEAKER_01]: That's it for now.
[SPEAKER_01]: I'm Cindy Yolst so much love, and I'll see you in the next episode.
[SPEAKER_01]: Take care, yourselves.