[SPEAKER_01]: I'm Julie Craftscheck, and I'm U.A.
[SPEAKER_01]: Xu.
[SPEAKER_01]: This is the Psychology of Relationships.
[SPEAKER_01]: For decades, the five love languages have shaped how we talk about connection, but relationships, culture, and expectations have changed.
[SPEAKER_01]: So what if our framework for love needs an update too?
[SPEAKER_01]: In this episode, we're joined by Molly Owens, CEO and founder of the Personality Testing Site Truthy, to explore the new seven love styles, a modern evolution of how we understand giving and receiving love.
[SPEAKER_01]: We discuss why love languages still resonate more than 30 years later, where they fall short in today's landscape and how these update a styles reflect shifts in identity, communication, and partnership dynamics.
[SPEAKER_01]: When partners misread each other's core preferences, it can lead to frustration and disconnection, but with clear insight, we communicate more effectively and strengthen emotional security.
[SPEAKER_01]: Molly shares what your love style reveals about your relational strengths, limiting beliefs, and growth areas, and how that awareness can transform the way you show up in dating and long-term relationships.
[SPEAKER_01]: Remember to subscribe to the Psychology of Relationships on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or wherever you listen, and if this episode helped you see relationships differently, we love a rating or review.
[SPEAKER_01]: This is the Psychology of Relationships, and you're listening to an episode that just might change the way you show up for love.
[SPEAKER_01]: Enjoy!
[SPEAKER_01]: Hi, Molly.
[SPEAKER_01]: Hi.
[SPEAKER_01]: Thanks for having me.
[SPEAKER_03]: Thanks for being here.
[SPEAKER_01]: Thanks for being on our show.
[SPEAKER_01]: Let's get right into it, Molly.
[SPEAKER_01]: Can we just refresh everyone's memories here on the original five love languages?
[SPEAKER_01]: What are they?
[SPEAKER_02]: Absolutely.
[SPEAKER_02]: So the original five love languages were developed by a marriage counselor, a Christian marriage counselor.
[SPEAKER_02]: He was doing work with couples in the 80s and he came up with five love languages that he observed kind of in his work with couples that kind of defined the way the people wanted to receive love from their partners acts of services one that's kind of you know work around the house words of affirmation which is saying thank you and given your partner compliments and appreciation verbally
[SPEAKER_02]: physical touch, which is, you know, hugging and kissing, as well as sex, receiving gifts.
[SPEAKER_02]: That doesn't have to be a big gift.
[SPEAKER_02]: It could just be a little token of appreciation.
[SPEAKER_02]: Your partner goes to the grocery store.
[SPEAKER_02]: They bring you your favorite snack.
[SPEAKER_02]: And then finally, we have quality time, which actually they found was the biggest love language, the most popular love language for the most people.
[SPEAKER_02]: And that has to do with spending time together and also just focusing in on your partner.
[SPEAKER_02]: So if you're watching a movie together really connecting with that movie and connecting with your partner instead of also being on your phone would be an example of that today.
[SPEAKER_02]: So quality time is not just the time, but also the attention.
[SPEAKER_02]: So those are the original five and those are the ones that Dr. Chapman laid out in his book.
[SPEAKER_03]: you know what, like, motivated Dr. Chapman to even do this.
[SPEAKER_03]: And this was done in the 80s and early 90s, which was, you know, quite some time ago before so much, so much has changed in modern data since then.
[SPEAKER_02]: Yeah, I was really his perspective.
[SPEAKER_02]: I think on how he worked with couples.
[SPEAKER_02]: And he had a very sort of positive strength space attitude towards working with couples.
[SPEAKER_02]: And I think his philosophy was that people were trying to connect, but they were just missing each other.
[SPEAKER_02]: you know that people were trying to show how much they cared, but those actions and behaviors just weren't landing with their partners because they were speaking different languages.
[SPEAKER_01]: Hmm, and that brings me to my next question, which is how we receive love is different than how we show love.
[SPEAKER_01]: Do you think that the five love languages is really just about receiving and not so much about giving?
[SPEAKER_02]: Yeah, that's an interesting point because when we developed our assessment, we actually dove a little bit more into that issue.
[SPEAKER_02]: So originally with the Love Languages, it focused a lot on figuring out what you wanted to receive and how to show love to your partner based on their Love Language.
[SPEAKER_02]: But it didn't really go into what's your kind of go-to Love Language for showing love to other people.
[SPEAKER_02]: that may or may not be the same language that you want.
[SPEAKER_02]: For instance, my love language is appreciation.
[SPEAKER_02]: I love for people to kind of give me compliments.
[SPEAKER_02]: Say thank you.
[SPEAKER_02]: Really recognize me when I achieve something.
[SPEAKER_02]: But when I'm trying to express love to somebody else, my go-to is to make them their favorite meal, which is more of a kind of acts of service in the original love languages or what we call practical.
[SPEAKER_02]: in our system.
[SPEAKER_03]: So that's a good maybe segue, because I'd love to hear what everyone's love languages are.
[SPEAKER_03]: I retired the quiz today, the original quiz.
[SPEAKER_03]: We also took your new quiz as well.
[SPEAKER_03]: Hey, from the original quiz, I actually got words of affirmation was number one.
[SPEAKER_03]: I think quality time was next.
[SPEAKER_03]: for me, then acts of services.
[SPEAKER_03]: And all of those, you know, words of affirmation was the most, but the rest had weeks associated with them, too.
[SPEAKER_03]: And then I got zero percent for gifts, which was really interesting.
[SPEAKER_03]: What about physical touch?
[SPEAKER_03]: Oh, physical touch was in there too.
[SPEAKER_03]: Sorry, I had words of affirmation, quality time, physical touch acts of services and then zero on gifts.
[SPEAKER_02]: Interesting.
[SPEAKER_02]: So originally, they found that when they researched the five love languages that receiving gifts was actually the least popular one back then, as well.
[SPEAKER_02]: And I think that it's become even less important as time has gone on that kind of
[SPEAKER_02]: financial transactional aspect to relationships or planning to do a bit more research on that, but we'll see, you know, by age group, how that shapes up.
[SPEAKER_01]: I took this quiz a few separate times with different partners.
[SPEAKER_01]: And I feel like my love language has changed based on what my partners are giving me.
[SPEAKER_01]: So in previous partnerships, it was always words of affirmation or quality time that surface to top.
[SPEAKER_01]: But now with my current partner, it is gifts.
[SPEAKER_01]: Gives used to be my least interesting scored one and now it is gifts because I don't know somehow I'm missing kind of like the surprise little things that my previous partners have done for me here's a little cupcake here and there or whatever so do you think that the love languages is something that constantly evolves with our needs and our current partnerships.
[SPEAKER_02]: So I don't think your core needs change and I think the things that means something to you are going to stay more or less the same over your lifetime and over different relationships.
[SPEAKER_02]: But like you said when you're missing something in a relationship when that drops out and it's not there for you anymore it suddenly comes to top mind where you're thinking hey I used to sort of take this for granted and now I'm not getting it and now I really realized that it was super important to me.
[SPEAKER_02]: So if you take a quiz at one point in time, what might be coming out is what you're really missing and focusing on, because we do tend to take for granted what our partners are doing for us consistently.
[SPEAKER_03]: UA so is that your number one for gifts or were the other ones still above that, but just give showed up higher.
[SPEAKER_01]: Oh, that's a good question.
[SPEAKER_01]: Yeah, it's still words of affirmation one.
[SPEAKER_01]: But give second interesting.
[SPEAKER_01]: Yeah.
[SPEAKER_03]: Well, you know, I think it's some of it because I actually noticed for me acts of services was higher.
[SPEAKER_03]: And even when I'm taking the quiz, I think subconsciously I'm thinking like that's not that it ported to me.
[SPEAKER_03]: But when my partner does it, it actually is really important to me.
[SPEAKER_03]: And I kind of feel like it's either what's missing, but also it's almost like we get greedy.
[SPEAKER_03]: Like for instance, I feel like physical touch is not a problem in my relationship.
[SPEAKER_03]: So I almost feel like it went down in my needs because I'm like, oh, I'm already getting this.
[SPEAKER_03]: How do you not feel greedy by wanting like all of them?
[SPEAKER_02]: You can have all of them if you want or you can want all of them.
[SPEAKER_02]: I mean, the great thing about the love language is just a starting point for really understanding what you want.
[SPEAKER_02]: So we have these seven broad categories, but within each category, there's specific actions that will really make you feel loved.
[SPEAKER_02]: So if we're talking about the practical love style, which is what's very similar to the acts of service love language, that's all about pitching in with practical actions around the house or just in daily life.
[SPEAKER_02]: For somebody else, it might be cleaning, it's not going to be cleaning for me because I don't even notice if the house is clean, so that's not going to make any difference to me whatsoever, but if you're a very food-focused person, you know, maybe it's bringing you your favorite treat, it might be driving you to the store if you hate driving, you know, it's very, very specific, so it's not about, you know, I need everything in the universe, it's about let me use these sort of seven broad categories to better kind of drill down into what's really important to me and what really makes a difference in how I feel.
[SPEAKER_01]: I want to go back to this idea of giving and receiving and what I'm having a hard time trying to understand and this is before we get into the seven love languages is how you choose to show love or give love is that self serving I mean I'm I'm asking this because.
[SPEAKER_01]: should we just listen to our partners, know what their love languages are, and show them love in their love language?
[SPEAKER_01]: Or is there value in us liking, like you said, you like to cook someone a meal?
[SPEAKER_01]: That gives you satisfaction.
[SPEAKER_01]: Is there so value in that?
[SPEAKER_02]: Yeah, absolutely.
[SPEAKER_02]: You want to still feel comfortable expressing love in the way that
[SPEAKER_02]: resonates for you because, you know, giving that to somebody else is a big part of your satisfaction in a relationship as well.
[SPEAKER_02]: But ideally, you want to focus most on what your partner needs.
[SPEAKER_02]: You don't want to be putting a lot of effort into actions that really aren't landing for them or don't mean a whole lot for them.
[SPEAKER_02]: And we all know that relationships are hard work.
[SPEAKER_02]: So if you're going to be putting in that hard work, you want to put it into those things that really make your partner feel like you're paying attention.
[SPEAKER_03]: So what about you Molly, like what are your, you know, lovely which is that you like to receive the ones that you like to give and then your husband likes to receive?
[SPEAKER_02]: Absolutely.
[SPEAKER_02]: So appreciation is my love style, which is very similar to the words of affirmation, love language, but it also has to do with kind of just recognizing your partners, ambitions and their goals and kind of being there with them to congratulate them as they make those little victories in their life.
[SPEAKER_02]: So I'm,
[SPEAKER_02]: huge on that.
[SPEAKER_02]: I'm an ambitious person and I want my partner to be there with me to say, hey, great job.
[SPEAKER_02]: You did that.
[SPEAKER_02]: I really admire that.
[SPEAKER_02]: I'm really there with you kind of celebrating.
[SPEAKER_02]: So that's me.
[SPEAKER_02]: Um, my husband is from Ireland.
[SPEAKER_02]: And in Ireland, I don't think they have.
[SPEAKER_02]: compliments, you know, positive feedback just in general.
[SPEAKER_02]: Um, so when we first got together, I was sort of kind of, you know, in that mode where you kind of give what you want, kind of noticing what he accomplished and saying, hey, you're great at that.
[SPEAKER_02]: And it felt absolutely flat like that went.
[SPEAKER_02]: just nowhere.
[SPEAKER_02]: With him, you know, I think Irish people actually perceive compliments as sort of embarrassing, like they're being called out.
[SPEAKER_02]: So when I took our test now, after having been with him for 12 years, a pretty giving appreciation was super low for me because I just, you know, I'd really don't.
[SPEAKER_02]: It seems to make him uncomfortable.
[SPEAKER_02]: I really don't do that very much anymore.
[SPEAKER_02]: So I kind of adjusted my style.
[SPEAKER_03]: What is his number one?
[SPEAKER_02]: His number one is the sort of physical aspect that kind of curling and hugging and being physically close.
[SPEAKER_02]: And that is a big part of our relationship.
[SPEAKER_02]: I think that resonates for me too.
[SPEAKER_02]: It's not something that I really think about.
[SPEAKER_02]: I think maybe like you, I take it for granted.
[SPEAKER_02]: But I think that's where we have kind of a meeting of the minds in our relationship.
[SPEAKER_02]: That's fascinating.
[SPEAKER_01]: I feel like I can totally relate to that because I love giving partners surprises,
[SPEAKER_01]: and if they don't react in a way that I think they should react, I become resentful, alluring super disappointed, and I do remember this one time, this was years ago, I surprised my boyfriend at the time to this Broadway play that I thought that he would love.
[SPEAKER_01]: When in fact, it was just a play that I wanted to see.
[SPEAKER_01]: We're going to go to Broadway and surprise him on his birthday and he had this reaction of like why, you know, and I think I learned my lesson there is just because I would like something like that doesn't mean that it's going to be as meaningful for my partner.
[SPEAKER_02]: Absolutely and that's a great reason why you do want to kind of at least be aware of your partners love styles and kind of adjust towards them so that you're not putting so much effort into something that really is not going to mean something to them.
[SPEAKER_02]: And you know if you just want to go to the play that just mess up and say I want to go to this play where you come with me and recognize that it's for about kind of what you want to do or what you want to include them in which is fine too but not expect them to react the way that you might.
[SPEAKER_03]: So outside of having your partner take the quiz, it's themselves, is there any other ways you can learn more about their love languages?
[SPEAKER_02]: Well, once you know about these different ways of expressing love, you can be just a lot more kind of scientific and observance in the way that you kind of analyze what lands with them.
[SPEAKER_02]: So what seems to bring them closer, what kind of seems to bring up a positive emotional response.
[SPEAKER_02]: If you think back to times when they really seemed like they connected with you, what were those actions that brought that on?
[SPEAKER_02]: So if they're two stubborn to actually take the test, this can still give you a framework for sort of understanding, oh, that really seemed to work for them.
[SPEAKER_02]: Maybe other things in that same category would work too.
[SPEAKER_03]: It is a two early, like when do you think it's too early to bring up love languages on early dating?
[SPEAKER_03]: Like if you're out with someone brand new, this profile's okay, or do you think it's too much?
[SPEAKER_02]: I think that's the best part with how popular this has become that people are putting it in their dating profile that it's just part of this kind of comment language.
[SPEAKER_02]: It's really, I think, a great conversation starter and it's something that's significant and important in a relationship.
[SPEAKER_02]: I would want to caution people against using it as some sort of compatibility measure.
[SPEAKER_02]: You don't want to say, oh, your love language is acts of service and that's not important to me, so forget it.
[SPEAKER_02]: Having a successful relationship is not about matching up on love languages.
[SPEAKER_02]: It's about kind of being willing and open to have that dialogue with your partner.
[SPEAKER_01]: Julie, do you know, do you know your partner's love language?
[SPEAKER_03]: I do, mostly physical touches number one.
[SPEAKER_03]: You know what's interesting is that he actually saw it so prominently on dating profiles before we met that he inspired him to take the quiz.
[SPEAKER_03]: So it was just everywhere yeah Do you know your partners a physical touch for sure do you like all men are physical touch because I see
[SPEAKER_03]: You don't I find really interesting is that like I always thought acts of services and gifts where my lowest two and I do think they still are Gifts was always my lowest one.
[SPEAKER_03]: I scored zero in it, but I like to give gifts to my partner I'm not sure if that's like the number one for him, but it does fuel something for me And I think he obviously enjoys it who doesn't enjoy gift.
[SPEAKER_03]: Why do you think like by least one that I identify to receive is my top one that I may be give?
[SPEAKER_02]: Well, my theory is that for the ones that you give, it has more to do with kind of your programming and your family and when you observe, whereas the ones you like to receive have more to do with your personality and kind of your core needs.
[SPEAKER_02]: So for me, it's easier to understand things that I can do practically around the house if I want to show that I'm kind of participating in my relationship.
[SPEAKER_02]: And I'm a terrible housekeeper.
[SPEAKER_02]: Anyway, so if I feel like now I'm really putting in that effort to kind of I clean the bathroom I really love you.
[SPEAKER_02]: This really means something.
[SPEAKER_02]: And that's what I saw kind of growing up was my family doing a lot of practical things for each other and really appreciating when we connected around those practical towns.
[SPEAKER_02]: But that doesn't do a lot for me.
[SPEAKER_02]: When my partner, it doesn't make me feel loved in particular.
[SPEAKER_03]: That is fascinating because gift giving for me was definitely love language growing up.
[SPEAKER_03]: That was how my family gave love.
[SPEAKER_03]: And I always desired words of affirmation.
[SPEAKER_03]: I felt like that was maybe lacking more.
[SPEAKER_03]: So it's interesting that I do what I know, but I desire what I didn't know.
[SPEAKER_02]: Yeah, yeah, it's that's that may be true that what you desire is sort of filling that hole that was missing in your childhood.
[SPEAKER_02]: What you're really kind of trying to grow into, whereas what you do is kind of what you feel comfortable with.
[SPEAKER_01]: Well, this leads us into this discussion about your new research.
[SPEAKER_01]: Obviously, the love language has been really prevalent for data.
[SPEAKER_01]: But it is also kind of antiquated.
[SPEAKER_01]: It was done so many years ago.
[SPEAKER_01]: So what inspired you to lead this new research and finding seven love languages?
[SPEAKER_02]: It is very antiquated and I started by really diving deep in the existing love languages when we saw how popular it was and how much of a kind of part of the conversation it was.
[SPEAKER_02]: We thought, okay, we need to start researching this and see what we might be able to contribute.
[SPEAKER_02]: It was a struggle for me really to go through the materials because they are so gendered and so heteronormative.
[SPEAKER_02]: There's not a lot of explicit discussion of Christianity and religious attitudes, but it kind of underlies the whole philosophy.
[SPEAKER_02]: There's a presumption that you are going to be staying married.
[SPEAKER_02]: You're not evaluating whether you're going to be in this relationship or not.
[SPEAKER_02]: You're there.
[SPEAKER_02]: and you're playing your role based on your assigned gender and everything else is kind of layered on top of that.
[SPEAKER_02]: So it was difficult for me to kind of get into this system with all of those kind of preconceived notions attached to it.
[SPEAKER_02]: A lot of the areas that had, he had put emphasis on, really weren't all that relevant for couples today, especially younger couples.
[SPEAKER_02]: We don't have this sort of transactional relationship where we each have our role and we're kind of exchanging those goods and services,
[SPEAKER_02]: and relationships have really grown so that it's more about a meeting at the minds, it's more about challenging each other, it's more about that spiritual connection, and I really felt like that was left out to a large degree from the original system.
[SPEAKER_03]: That's so fascinating and it's interesting because I feel like attachment theory is kind of like that too the research is so old yet it's still so prominent and how we view relationships it's really fascinating that we cling on to these approaches that really are not in line with the way modern dating and relationships are.
[SPEAKER_02]: Yeah, yeah.
[SPEAKER_02]: I mean, don't get me started on attachment theory, but I think one of the unfortunate things about the field of psychology is that we do, you know, we have a sort of charismatic person who has an idea that sounds good and it's not based on a ton of empirical data, but just, you know, we make it part of our consciousness.
[SPEAKER_02]: So what we wanted to do with the love language is was kind of investigate that get that data, really look at it front with a fresh eye and with, you know, more just sort of
[SPEAKER_02]: statistics that didn't have a particular bias one way or the other and really see how it shaped up.
[SPEAKER_03]: So how did you do that?
[SPEAKER_03]: For all the data nerds out there, how did you do that?
[SPEAKER_03]: Of course, you don't need to go into the all the details, but I love all how did you do that?
[SPEAKER_02]: Oh, I love it too.
[SPEAKER_02]: So prepare to geek out.
[SPEAKER_02]: Um, it was really fun.
[SPEAKER_02]: So we have about a million to two million people taking tests on our site, which gives us a lot of data when we want to do new survey research.
[SPEAKER_02]: So in this case, what we first did was we did an open ended survey question, which was just tell us about a time that somebody made you feel really loved like it really hit home for you.
[SPEAKER_02]: And we just looked at that text and it was, you know, a ton of text of bear to go through, but we looked at sort of the words that repeated a lot.
[SPEAKER_02]: We looked at the phrases that came up a lot.
[SPEAKER_02]: And what we found was the top two themes were that somebody really listened to you and respected your point of view took the time to understand your values.
[SPEAKER_02]: And then that somebody was really there for you.
[SPEAKER_02]: When you were going through a hard time, they were kind of that.
[SPEAKER_02]: sympathetic ear that shoulder to cry on, they stepped in and they were kind of with you, whatever you were going through, however difficult it was they were there with you.
[SPEAKER_02]: And those were both factors that really, they were barely touched on on the original five love languages but really kind of left by the wayside.
[SPEAKER_02]: So we knew we had something as soon as we started to see those, those key phrases come through.
[SPEAKER_03]: That was in the original research.
[SPEAKER_02]: A little bit.
[SPEAKER_02]: We've just started that.
[SPEAKER_02]: I'm really excited about launching this as kind of an official test now that we have kind of refined it.
[SPEAKER_02]: We're kind of putting it out there as this is, you know, this is a sort of validated assessment that you can take and that's when we expect a lot of people to start taking it and then we can kind of survey people on, you know.
[SPEAKER_02]: what's your gender orientation, what's your sexual orientation, what's your age group, that all that sort of stuff so that we can slice and dice.
[SPEAKER_02]: We have looked a little bit at gender.
[SPEAKER_02]: I was wondering if love languages would differ a lot between men and identified men and women.
[SPEAKER_02]: So far we haven't found huge differences, so that's interesting in itself, but we'll definitely dig into that more when we have more data from the official assessment.
[SPEAKER_01]: Well, we both took the assessment or at the current version of the assessment and what I found really intriguing was the fact that the seven love languages that you've come up with are categories of languages versus the original which are very much action based acts of service words of affirmation things that you do but the seven categories you come up with there could be multiple actions in those categories.
[SPEAKER_02]: Yeah, absolutely.
[SPEAKER_02]: So really, I think because we took this sort of empirical process with it, we did try to kind of take all the data that we gathered about what people said they wanted and see which buckets that feedback fit it and that's how we came up with the seven.
[SPEAKER_02]: And there was some kind of back and forth.
[SPEAKER_02]: I wasn't sure if
[SPEAKER_02]: sex would fit in the same bucket as just snuggling and kisses and hugging.
[SPEAKER_02]: So that was a big question in my mind, as it turned out it did, which I was actually a bit surprised at, because from my perspective, you could be very distinctly, but not a particularly sexual person.
[SPEAKER_02]: But again, kind of looking at it empirically and doing that statistical analysis, far less at all fit together.
[SPEAKER_02]: So that's something that we came up with, that's what we were doing our research.
[SPEAKER_02]: And we took the same approach with all seven categories, just looking at
[SPEAKER_02]: So in our system we do have kind of five love languages that are roughly equivalent but a little bit more sort of broader and more refined to the original five love languages words of affirmation we call appreciation and that encompasses like I said kind of it congratulating your partner as well.
[SPEAKER_02]: Receiving gifts we have brought in because it's not just about gifts, as it turns out, it's also about financial support and being there for somebody financially to provide for them if they need it.
[SPEAKER_02]: Stepping into pay a bill, if your partners coming up short, putting gas in their car if they can't afford it, all that sort of thing.
[SPEAKER_02]: Offering for them to stay home if they're starting to hate their job, you know, I'll support us for a while.
[SPEAKER_02]: You just quit that sort of thing.
[SPEAKER_02]: Axe of service is really pretty equivalent.
[SPEAKER_02]: We call it practical.
[SPEAKER_02]: I think the biggest gendered area was in Axe of service originally.
[SPEAKER_02]: So when we took another look at it, we looked at not just kind of that household division of labor because what I found was in the original system, it was a lot of giving men credit for just doing the bare minimum around the house and trying to pretend that that was an expression of love.
[SPEAKER_02]: Yeah, I can see that.
[SPEAKER_02]: So I don't think that really flies anymore, certainly that's still an attitude world trying to get away from to some extent, but I don't think we want to make it kind of a foundational belief of our system.
[SPEAKER_02]: So when we sort of outline the practical love language, it's more about stepping in to do things that are not expected of you, taking on your partners, chores, making sure you do the things they really hate to do.
[SPEAKER_02]: That kind of going above and beyond, and we wanted to be really clear about.
[SPEAKER_03]: and then to physical touch, you brought up already, right?
[SPEAKER_02]: Physical touch is pretty much equivalent to, you know, like I said, we looked at snuggling versus sex.
[SPEAKER_02]: We found it was pretty on par with what the original love language looked like.
[SPEAKER_02]: And then quality time, we found was sort of the grab bag for everything else.
[SPEAKER_02]: So we have it basically broken down into three.
[SPEAKER_02]: Activity is one, and that has to do with doing things with your partner, joint hobbies, joint interests, planning a vacation with them,
[SPEAKER_02]: any time that you are planning time with them and really the goal is to do something you both enjoy and really connect around that.
[SPEAKER_02]: And then the two love languages that really pretty new are intellectual, which has to do with kind of connecting on a mental level, discussing opinions, listening to your partner's opinions, providing kind of thoughtful advice, problem solving together, all that sort of cerebral stuff.
[SPEAKER_02]: And then finally we have emotional, which again is about dealing with those difficult emotions and staying connected to your partner
[SPEAKER_02]: So if they're crying, taking the time to listen to what's going on with them and and be there for them.
[SPEAKER_02]: Be supportive.
[SPEAKER_03]: That's really fascinating.
[SPEAKER_03]: We both took the quiz.
[SPEAKER_03]: So we wanted to see how we scored.
[SPEAKER_03]: Right.
[SPEAKER_03]: So you I do want to share your results first so that I can share my
[SPEAKER_01]: Sure, and I just want to clarify, is this score from 1 to 7, 7 being most prevalent?
[SPEAKER_02]: No, it can have a wider range, so depending on how you kind of allocate all your available points within the test, you may have one love language that may be around 20.
[SPEAKER_02]: If you really, really prefer that love language, or they may be more balanced.
[SPEAKER_01]: Okay, so the highest score I got was a seven and that was for intellectual that came up first and then I had three ties activity emotional financial scored six on those appreciation of five practical at four and physical at one.
[SPEAKER_01]: Wow.
[SPEAKER_01]: Interesting.
[SPEAKER_01]: Do that, do that feel accurate for you?
[SPEAKER_01]: I think it's very accurate in my moment in time.
[SPEAKER_01]: What I currently need in my partnership and what I crave.
[SPEAKER_01]: I mean, we are long distance part of the month.
[SPEAKER_01]: So the physical touch as much as I love affection, I am also very realistic that I'm not getting it half the time.
[SPEAKER_01]: But the intellectual, I thought that was such a great addition to
[SPEAKER_01]: You know, Julie and I do this podcast and I'm so into self-help and I love discussing these new theories and concepts with my partner.
[SPEAKER_01]: It brings me so much joy and I couldn't find that on the previous love languages.
[SPEAKER_01]: So the intellectual is extremely important for me because I want to talk about guess this new theory I learned or this new way of thinking about life.
[SPEAKER_01]: So that makes a lot of sense for me.
[SPEAKER_02]: That's awesome.
[SPEAKER_02]: That's really great to hear.
[SPEAKER_02]: Yeah.
[SPEAKER_02]: Intellectual was a big one for me as well, not my primary, but it was a big one for me and something that was really missing for me as well.
[SPEAKER_02]: So I'm glad to hear you're in the same boat.
[SPEAKER_03]: Yeah, that was also my second one too.
[SPEAKER_03]: So I guess.
[SPEAKER_03]: We all were 31.
[SPEAKER_03]: My first one was appreciation.
[SPEAKER_03]: That was I got 10 and then intellectual was nine.
[SPEAKER_03]: So a close second emotional was eight.
[SPEAKER_03]: So I guess, you know, I'm I'm taking advantage of the new ones and then physical is for activity is two financial is two and practical is zero.
[SPEAKER_03]: And I think that doesn't make sense for me too, because I think, you know, I think practical I think it needs to get done, but I don't see it as how we show each other love in any way.
[SPEAKER_03]: And I think the physical maybe is a little lower than I would have thought, but I think it's maybe, you know, on a day-to-day, what I crave for.
[SPEAKER_03]: I guess that was the only one that kind of surprised me, but you can't have it all, can you?
[SPEAKER_01]: Oh, I want to dig into this.
[SPEAKER_01]: This is good.
[SPEAKER_01]: This is good because I want to ask Julia clarifying question or a more like investigative question is, so Julie's been doing a lot of returns.
[SPEAKER_01]: Okay.
[SPEAKER_01]: So she's she just moved into a new place.
[SPEAKER_01]: She bought a ton of new stuff and she is returning a lot of it as one would when you're trying to set up new nest.
[SPEAKER_01]: Her partner is the one with
[SPEAKER_01]: So he is the one who's been helping her doing all these returns, which apparently from Julie's perspective, it's happening on a regular basis.
[SPEAKER_01]: So to me, that's an act of service slash practical, but in your eyes, this is just something that needs to get done.
[SPEAKER_01]: It's not really a love language.
[SPEAKER_03]: Interesting, you know, I think I definitely feel loved when he does that.
[SPEAKER_03]: So I don't want to say it's not.
[SPEAKER_03]: I guess I wasn't even thinking of that as the practical, which I think is what is really opening my mind to this whole conversation too, is some of the things like I think a practical is, you know, picking up around the house.
[SPEAKER_03]: And of course, I appreciate when my partner, like, loads the dishes or something like that.
[SPEAKER_03]: I'm not gonna get never gonna say I don't.
[SPEAKER_03]: I don't know if I feel like, oh my god, this person's showing me love by doing this.
[SPEAKER_03]: It's more what you just said, you A of.
[SPEAKER_03]: This is something that needs to get done.
[SPEAKER_03]: And the car went interesting because in theory, the key could say I don't want to drive you and do this, but...
[SPEAKER_03]: So it's not like something that needs to get done and I definitely appreciate that it's getting done I don't know.
[SPEAKER_03]: It's an interesting one because I think I just didn't even like view that in that realm even though it totally is in that realm
[SPEAKER_02]: Oh, okay.
[SPEAKER_02]: Well, it could be the difference between, you know, what you appreciate in your glad-years partners, doing it, your glad-years, the car that he's willing to do this, it's convenient, but doesn't make you feel love, doesn't really kind of hit home for you because that's really what we're talking about with love language.
[SPEAKER_03]: Well, how would that, because I think it is the feeling of appreciation?
[SPEAKER_03]: Like, I know that's the number one ice score.
[SPEAKER_03]: Maybe that's more about words that make you feel appreciated, but it's almost like the action makes me feel appreciated
[SPEAKER_03]: Or maybe it's I appreciate them.
[SPEAKER_03]: I don't even know like I should go retake the quiz now That's what I learned Retake the quiz after your next return just do it.
[SPEAKER_03]: Maybe that's it is that I've done with it So it's not top of mind any more that could be a big part of it
[SPEAKER_02]: Or it could just be something that's sort of functional for you, right?
[SPEAKER_02]: I mean, you want your partner to help you around the house.
[SPEAKER_02]: You want them to have a job and pay the bills.
[SPEAKER_02]: But you don't necessarily think, oh, yeah, now I really feel loved and connected because they're doing these things.
[SPEAKER_02]: You know, some, there are so many levels of relationships and some of them are just very practical and functional, but that may not be what you connect with emotionally.
[SPEAKER_03]: Yeah, I think that is what it is.
[SPEAKER_03]: It's obviously there was need to be there as a baseline, but they're not going to be the ones that I'm like, oh, I feel warm and fuzzy inside.
[SPEAKER_01]: Right, you're like either get a task rabbit or have my boyfriend take me obviously prefer the right my boyfriend, but doesn't mean that the task won't get done if he's not around exactly exactly what about you Molly, how did you score differently on your new quiz versus the old 1980s to 90s lovely, which is
[SPEAKER_02]: I think I can't remember if I got words of affirmation or quality time as the number one on the old quiz, I think they may have been sort of neck and neck, but like I said appreciation is the highest for me on the new one emotional and intellectual are both pretty high for me as well.
[SPEAKER_02]: Practical is very low, financial is very low, almost non-existent like you, you know.
[SPEAKER_02]: I think practical does come more into play as life gets more stressful, so as you have kids, and stressful jobs, maybe you become more aware of how important it is to have a partner who chips in, but it still doesn't really hit home for me the way a really nice compliment would.
[SPEAKER_02]: You know, if I get a really nice kind of personal compliment, that can stick with me for years, decades.
[SPEAKER_02]: Whereas I don't think, oh, you know, that time that you drove me to the airport, you know, it's still, you know, top of mine.
[SPEAKER_02]: It's just it just doesn't land with me the same way.
[SPEAKER_03]: So this actually, it just triggered something else kind of you a similar to your follow up.
[SPEAKER_03]: I was just even thinking about this morning where I was super stressed because by Instagram got hacked.
[SPEAKER_03]: And my partner won gave me a big hug which does play into, you know, physical, physical touch.
[SPEAKER_03]: But then what really helped me, too, was that he sent me instructions of how to, you know, handle this hack.
[SPEAKER_03]: And then also, I had to return something again.
[SPEAKER_03]: And they're picking up.
[SPEAKER_03]: Today they required, you know, dissembling an item and he did that and that made me really happy because it was just one less thing that I needed to deal with when I was going through this.
[SPEAKER_03]: So I really do believe acts of service and I think the more and more into a relationship and when every day stressors come up, having that person that's there with you, that is so important.
[SPEAKER_03]: Yet it seems like I'm not gravitated to that on these quizzes.
[SPEAKER_03]: Where do you think that disconnect could be?
[SPEAKER_02]: Well, I think it's just sort of, that's not necessarily what love languages are about.
[SPEAKER_02]: That's more about the day-to-day functioning of your relationship.
[SPEAKER_02]: Do you work well together?
[SPEAKER_02]: Can you kind of divide tasks and you rely on them to do things?
[SPEAKER_02]: But that's,
[SPEAKER_02]: a different level of your relationship versus how much do you feel that your partner loves and appreciates and connects with you.
[SPEAKER_02]: And I think if you have the base foundational stuff, you can have a relationship that's functional.
[SPEAKER_02]: Maybe it looks good to the outside.
[SPEAKER_02]: Maybe you say there's nothing really wrong with my relationship, but it may be a little bit emotionally empty.
[SPEAKER_02]: You may not feel like you're really in love with that person.
[SPEAKER_02]: It may just feel like, you know, your good friends, your good partners, your working together.
[SPEAKER_02]: But that kind of emotional charge is not
[SPEAKER_01]: I like this distinction because it does make sense in your example Julie is I feel similarly where when my partner does something nice for me like when he does a grocery shopping.
[SPEAKER_01]: Yeah.
[SPEAKER_01]: I really appreciate it.
[SPEAKER_01]: It's very nice.
[SPEAKER_01]: I don't think it brings me closer to him, but it does make me appreciate him and
[SPEAKER_01]: enjoyed having him in my life.
[SPEAKER_01]: But when my partner and I can sit down and talk about our relationship and our future on an intellectual level or even emotional level, that makes me feel everything.
[SPEAKER_01]: I mean, that just brings me so much closer to him physically, emotionally, so fully all of it.
[SPEAKER_01]: So I think that is a very good distinction of the love language, just in the purpose of it.
[SPEAKER_01]: So in your assessment, what I really got stumped on were the questions about what do you do to bring you closer to your partner?
[SPEAKER_01]: Hmm.
[SPEAKER_01]: What is the purpose of those questions and how do they play into your results?
[SPEAKER_02]: Yeah, so like I said, we measured two directions of love styles, basically.
[SPEAKER_02]: So what you want to receive, what really lands with you.
[SPEAKER_02]: And then what's your sort of go-to when you're going to show love?
[SPEAKER_02]: So I think what you're talking about is the questions like your partner had a stressful day at work.
[SPEAKER_02]: What would you be most likely to do to kind of try to support them?
[SPEAKER_02]: Is it make them a meal?
[SPEAKER_02]: Is it give them a hug?
[SPEAKER_02]: Is it clean the house?
[SPEAKER_02]: So those are the questions we used to kind of measure your the love styles that you express.
[SPEAKER_02]: and in the full test, you saw your graph for the love languages you want to receive.
[SPEAKER_02]: We'll have a separate graph for those love languages that you put out there.
[SPEAKER_02]: And the purpose of that is really to help you understand kind of what's your go to.
[SPEAKER_02]: Then you can bring that to your relationships and see, is that working?
[SPEAKER_02]: As your kind of go-to way of showing love, working for your partner is making them feel loved, or are you just doing kind of what your more comfortable with, and it really isn't hitting home.
[SPEAKER_02]: them.
[SPEAKER_01]: That's going to be really profound because you can have those results of how you give love and then compare it to your partners love languages and see if they are aligned or not.
[SPEAKER_01]: That's a great topic of discussion even.
[SPEAKER_02]: Absolutely.
[SPEAKER_02]: It can be a little scary.
[SPEAKER_02]: We had a little bit of an a few moments with a couple of our team members who are married to each other and they both took kind of the experimental assessment and their kind of give and receive graphs
[SPEAKER_02]: under eight.
[SPEAKER_02]: So they're both speaking, speaking, the practical love language like crazy, you know, whatever them stress out the other one makes dinner.
[SPEAKER_02]: The other one puts the kids to bed.
[SPEAKER_02]: The other one gives the kids about it.
[SPEAKER_02]: It's all practical all the time because they don't have a lot of room to do anything else.
[SPEAKER_02]: And it's
[SPEAKER_02]: It's not that it's a compatibility issue.
[SPEAKER_02]: It's just that they're kind of under the gun at this moment in time.
[SPEAKER_02]: But if as they're going up, they want to grow past that they can kind of return to, okay, what's really important to me now that we have a little bit more breathing room here, what I really like to bring back into our relationship.
[SPEAKER_03]: And you might have mentioned this a bit before of like, why you re-change the names, and they're like slight changes, you know, from going like for awards to affirmation to appreciation for instance, can you kind of elaborate a little more of like what your thought process was on this.
[SPEAKER_02]: Well, we wanted to make sure it sounded distinct from the original theory that it wasn't confused.
[SPEAKER_02]: So we did want to have new terms.
[SPEAKER_02]: And because we did this kind of original research, we had our own sort of buckets of behavior that we wanted to name.
[SPEAKER_02]: So it was really a matter of looking at what was in there and what word really encompassed this kind of heart and soul of what we were talking about.
[SPEAKER_02]: So we wanted to keep them simple and not too stylized.
[SPEAKER_02]: because this is an idea that people are familiar with.
[SPEAKER_02]: We don't want to have a lot of jargon that new jargon that people have to get used to, so we wanted to make it fairly straightforward, but we did want to make sure it really reflected like, for instance, financial reflects the fact that this new concept encompasses a lot more than just the gifts.
[SPEAKER_01]: And you'd mention that we shouldn't use these assessments as compatibility tests and even in your example of the married couple, it's not, it doesn't mean that they're not compatible, it's just means that there are misaligned in this moment in time.
[SPEAKER_01]: But in that exact same example, if couples find that they are not aligned in their love languages and yes, they may have kids in life happening, what can they tackle today versus waiting for that breathing room to happen?
[SPEAKER_01]: later.
[SPEAKER_01]: Mm-hmm.
[SPEAKER_02]: Well, the best way to do that is to use these ideas as a way to articulate what you want.
[SPEAKER_02]: So, don't just say, oh, I'm a physical, my love language is physical.
[SPEAKER_02]: Take the next step and say, what really does it for me is just a big long hug.
[SPEAKER_02]: And I'm in like a 10 second hug, like you're holding me close and you don't let go that's it.
[SPEAKER_02]: And that really gives your partner that information about what they can do when they want to show love to you.
[SPEAKER_02]: What's really
[SPEAKER_03]: And I think a big piece of this is that this is now reflecting modern times.
[SPEAKER_03]: We talked about this, that the last one hasn't been done for.
[SPEAKER_03]: Since the 90s, that's a long time ago.
[SPEAKER_03]: There weren't even dating apps in the 90s.
[SPEAKER_01]: Barely internet.
[SPEAKER_01]: It was dial-up, dial-up, dial-up, dial-up.
[SPEAKER_02]: There were chat rooms if that counts.
[SPEAKER_03]: That's true.
[SPEAKER_03]: So you saw a lot more around intellectual and emotional connection this time around.
[SPEAKER_03]: How do you think that reflects on current times?
[SPEAKER_02]: So we wondered, there's no way to really research this, but we wondered if the intellectual and emotional types of connection were connections that people didn't expect to have with an opposite sex partner back in the 80s.
[SPEAKER_02]: men probably tuned out in the emotional themes or they were expected to tune out those emotional needs.
[SPEAKER_02]: They were not expected to show weakness much less show weakness to their partner and have her support that.
[SPEAKER_02]: So you know that may have just been left behind and women probably were allowed to have those emotional needs but maybe sought that to be met by other women.
[SPEAKER_02]: And on the same kind of tech that sort of intellectual that kind of meeting in the minds may be something that we expected men to do with other men, rather than with their primary partner.
[SPEAKER_02]: So that may be why that wasn't really included in the original five-level languages, but obviously as gender roles are kind of flexing and changing, and also as, you know, marriage really isn't as functional as it used to be, nobody needs to get married.
[SPEAKER_02]: So if we're going to get married, it's going to be because we want to have that best friend and partner in our lives, and we want to bring our whole selves to that relationship.
[SPEAKER_02]: We want to connect on a mental level, we want to connect on an emotional level,
[SPEAKER_03]: It's just what we want from our relationship is totally changed.
[SPEAKER_03]: Like nowadays we're looking for that best friend, soulmate, life partner all wrapped into one, where back then, probably weren't.
[SPEAKER_03]: Or didn't think it was possible, right?
[SPEAKER_02]: Right, right.
[SPEAKER_02]: In some ways, that makes relationships a lot more complicated.
[SPEAKER_02]: We're asking for a lot more, but we're also able to bring our authentic selves to relationships.
[SPEAKER_02]: We can be who we are instead of having to play this word,
[SPEAKER_01]: So if that is the case, what can singles do with the results?
[SPEAKER_01]: I'm sure we're going to have a lot of listeners who want to take the assessment.
[SPEAKER_01]: They're not coupled off.
[SPEAKER_01]: What can daters do with this information?
[SPEAKER_02]: So it's great to take before you get into a relationship because in your so much more aware of your needs and so much more able to kind of manifest that for yourself.
[SPEAKER_02]: So taking the assessment, thinking about your past relationships or even thinking about your relationships with parents or siblings or friends and what they have done that really connected for you really made you feel loved and appreciated.
[SPEAKER_02]: And use that as kind of your guiding white when you get into a new relationship or if you're kind of evaluating potential partners kind of met something to measure that against to see is this really fulfilling for me why is it fulfilling why is this working for me why is it not working for me and again not that it's compatibility issue but just that now you have the language to talk about what you're looking for and why that's what you need.
[SPEAKER_03]: And we've clearly talked about couples and how they can use love languages, but it is there one thing that you would advise couples to start doing tomorrow after they take this new quiz.
[SPEAKER_02]: Yes, listen to your partner.
[SPEAKER_02]: This is all completely useless.
[SPEAKER_02]: If you don't listen to your partner, if you don't sit down with them and say, tell me about that.
[SPEAKER_02]: Tell me about what makes you feel love.
[SPEAKER_02]: Tell me about what what you need and what you want and then do it.
[SPEAKER_02]: Love language is a great idea, but without that kind of intentionality and that presence, it doesn't go anywhere.
[SPEAKER_02]: So you really need to take that information and use it to be a better partner and let your partner tell you what works for them.
[SPEAKER_03]: Well, this has been such a great conversation.
[SPEAKER_03]: Thank you Molly for shedding the light on the new seven-level languages.
[SPEAKER_03]: We're going to start refraving how we talk about it today.
[SPEAKER_03]: I think my biggest takeaway from this whole conversation was there is basically the baseline of being in a relationship and that can be defined by you and your partner.
[SPEAKER_03]: but then there's also this loving feeling that makes you feel deeply connected.
[SPEAKER_03]: And we spent a good portion of this conversation distinguishing between the two.
[SPEAKER_03]: And it doesn't mean that one is more important than the other, but you almost kind of need both to make the relationship function at the level that we talked about of having that life partner best-friended soulmate, the we wanted all in relationships.
[SPEAKER_03]: So,
[SPEAKER_03]: I think love language is the best way to, you know, get to speak the same language essentially and be able to communicate and figure out, you know, what is it that's going to take our relationship to the next level and, you know, that that's how I feel around you, but also maybe I can bring in some factors into the practical side too.
[SPEAKER_03]: And I think my other big takeaway is that lovely English can change depending on what stage of life you're in.
[SPEAKER_03]: And that's okay.
[SPEAKER_03]: And some of the ones that are always be core to you, but it doesn't mean that you're always stuck with these ones forever.
[SPEAKER_03]: Like your needs can change.
[SPEAKER_03]: You can't change at any time.
[SPEAKER_03]: And then my final takeaway is I'm so glad you are leaving the charge in this.
[SPEAKER_03]: And we're finally doing research that reflects current times
[SPEAKER_03]: The fact that we are so reliant and all this stuff from the 80s and early 90s when dating and relationships were just so different, it's not the best guideline and basis for us to keep being in this world that just is not the same.
[SPEAKER_03]: So I love that we're making some progress and just continuing to refine these concepts as modern romance evolves.
[SPEAKER_02]: Awesome, thank you.
[SPEAKER_02]: Yes, I'm glad those were your takeaways, those sounds.
[SPEAKER_02]: I would completely agree with all of that, especially the idea of those different levels of relationships.
[SPEAKER_02]: I think part of the progress we've been with this research is to delineate kind of what we just expect for relationships and what takes it to the next level.
[SPEAKER_01]: Yeah, I want to echo exactly what you said, Julie.
[SPEAKER_01]: So I'll keep this very short.
[SPEAKER_01]: My biggest takeaway was we have certain things that maintain a relationship.
[SPEAKER_01]: And we have certain things that grow a relationship.
[SPEAKER_01]: And I think this assessment is assessing what will help grow your relationship.
[SPEAKER_01]: But the maintenance of a relationship is also important to know because that's our baseline of what we are looking for and accept.
[SPEAKER_01]: So when we are dating, I think we need to pay attention to the baseline.
[SPEAKER_01]: and not overly congratulate someone for doing their chores.
[SPEAKER_01]: That's not a love language, but it's a baseline decent human being, decent partner, behavior, and a place into our standards and our values.
[SPEAKER_01]: So the maintenance is just as important as growing the relationship.
[SPEAKER_01]: I love that we're putting a framework to all of this because when we talk about voicing your needs,
[SPEAKER_01]: I think so many of us don't have the vernacular to talk about what our needs are.
[SPEAKER_01]: And you've put some words in our mouth to express that so that we can use this toolkit when we express it to our future partners and current partners.
[SPEAKER_01]: So thank you for giving us language to use.
[SPEAKER_01]: Well, I'm so glad to put it out there, yeah.
[SPEAKER_01]: If you haven't done so yet, subscribe to the psychology of relationships today.
[SPEAKER_01]: So you don't miss an episode.
[SPEAKER_03]: Bye.