[SPEAKER_00]: My job is to somehow make them curious enough or persuade them by hook or crow to get more aware of themselves and where they came from and what they are into and what is already there is just to bring it out.
[SPEAKER_00]: This is what compels me to compel them and I will do it by whatever means necessary.
[SPEAKER_01]: We'll have to go to the Black Girls Hill podcast where we talk about healer, it's Missy Disorders, members of trauma, and building a healthy relationship with first ourselves, and then others.
[SPEAKER_01]: Every episode, we will talk about advice you can apply today to bring unhealthy patterns, can grow, and your self-worth.
[SPEAKER_01]: I'm Sheenella Shea, a love addition coach and trauma specialist.
[SPEAKER_01]: Let's begin.
[SPEAKER_02]: Hello, hello, and welcome to the Black World Hill podcast.
[SPEAKER_02]: Y'all, this is the first time in a while that we have had an extended episode.
[SPEAKER_02]: So if you've been with me for a while, you know that it was the norm for our podcast episodes to be 45 minutes minimum.
[SPEAKER_02]: However, as I transitioned to putting the podcast on YouTube, I've been very intentional with making sure that I'm more
[SPEAKER_02]: directs when it comes to what the points are.
[SPEAKER_02]: Still giving all the info that I can, but making it shorter because issue two, I prefer shorter YouTube videos.
[SPEAKER_02]: What I'm watching YouTube in the out, even if it's someone who I really like, it takes a lot for me to watch.
[SPEAKER_02]: I'll 45.
[SPEAKER_02]: minute video.
[SPEAKER_02]: But this was longer because I actually combined the best of both worlds on both Instagram and on YouTube.
[SPEAKER_02]: I've been going live and talking about all these topics in the Q&A version.
[SPEAKER_02]: So I have been able to teach the concepts and also answer people's questions along the way.
[SPEAKER_02]: So that is what today's episode is.
[SPEAKER_02]: It is the audio of our most recent live where I talked about
[SPEAKER_02]: What to do when you find that you were too busy to find love.
[SPEAKER_02]: If you were someone who was to be in intimate connections, but there are other community priorities, other things that are more important right now, especially if you're not quite sure if it's going to provide the value exchange that you invest in and connect with people and finding a partner or even dating someone who's approaching you should give you.
[SPEAKER_02]: Maybe you've been burned by that in the past.
[SPEAKER_02]: So you're gonna hear me talking about three things to keep in mind of this is where you currently are.
[SPEAKER_02]: I'm teaching these concepts and I'm a little bit of a different way than I have in the past and also you'll hear me do some Q&A with people who are sharing their experiences as well.
[SPEAKER_02]: So I hope that you enjoy it.
[SPEAKER_02]: So happy to be back to your lives.
[SPEAKER_02]: I'm looking at a way to make a part of my regular schedules.
[SPEAKER_02]: So,
[SPEAKER_02]: Whether or not you like follow me on Instagram or on YouTube, those are going to be the main two ones that I am prioritizing right now for going live.
[SPEAKER_02]: You can look into follow me there.
[SPEAKER_02]: Black girls, Hillary and Instagram and Black girls heal a YouTube as well.
[SPEAKER_02]: But for now, go ahead and get comfortable.
[SPEAKER_02]: Get your no paths as normal.
[SPEAKER_02]: And let's go ahead and jump on in.
[SPEAKER_02]: We're talking about finding them when you are too busy.
[SPEAKER_02]: So this is really important for the women that I serve because so many of the women not
[SPEAKER_02]: What I see that happens a lot as many of us want to connect and find partnership, but there's a lot of things they can in the way.
[SPEAKER_02]: I've talked a lot about trauma and talks a lot about previous relationship hurts and harms, but in these days, many of us are just busy.
[SPEAKER_02]: We are busy with other obligations.
[SPEAKER_02]: We are busy with people and places that don't take care of.
[SPEAKER_02]: When we're looking at the priority of the different things in our life, even if we want to have partnership connection love, it is shifted, especially with the things I've already shared before.
[SPEAKER_02]: The previous hard breaks, the things that get in the way the past trauma, I've seen a lot of people
[SPEAKER_02]: love and connection and romantic interest comes.
[SPEAKER_02]: And so what I've set before when I talk about this though is it is my goal to help women win.
[SPEAKER_02]: So whatever your desire is, whether or not it is finding a partnership, whether or not it is getting that job in a C3, whether or not in a for Lee as a mental health professional, it'll be raising your confidence to help you get there.
[SPEAKER_02]: I want to help the people in my community get what it is, their hearts, hearts desires.
[SPEAKER_02]: And so I'll be honest for a while, especially with the way that I saw a lot of conversations were going just in popular culture, and social media, and a lot of places, it's same like, but maybe there is this movement of women as a whole that not only in the centering relationships, they also meant that they were no longer having interest for relationships.
[SPEAKER_02]: standards have changed and expectations have changed, but for those of us who want companionship, for those of us who want partnership, that is still there.
[SPEAKER_02]: It doesn't go away with you having a full schedule.
[SPEAKER_02]: It doesn't go away with you building a life then it's filled with a lot of different interests and hobbies and I want to say community partnerships like if that is still a core desire of your heart, then that typically stays.
[SPEAKER_02]: And so for the women who want it, for the women who have not, is truly been no longer factor and no longer desire in their life.
[SPEAKER_02]: That's not who I'm talking to.
[SPEAKER_02]: I'm talking to those of us who have a lot of things going on.
[SPEAKER_02]: There's a lot of barriers in a way about wanting to prioritize relationships because maybe will we have our ties done before it has not really worked out for us on the other side of it, right?
[SPEAKER_02]: I've given a lot of energy on my camera is really
[SPEAKER_02]: I'm out of focus.
[SPEAKER_02]: So, sorry about that.
[SPEAKER_02]: Hopefully it clears up.
[SPEAKER_02]: I've given a lot of energy and given a lot of time, I've been a lot of love to relationships and it has a workout.
[SPEAKER_02]: So there's not really a need for me to do it because it's not going to work out for me.
[SPEAKER_02]: I believe that that's that the case.
[SPEAKER_02]: I believe that it's about finding the people that are ready to receive the love that you're ready to give.
[SPEAKER_02]: And to not waste time on all the other people who are getting the way of that and the way that I help you with that is two things.
[SPEAKER_02]: for to help you remove your own avoidance from intimacy and connection so that when you are in relationship with those people or you could connect you with them you can actually move forward and move forward with trust and was love and and connect and feel safe there and then also to make sure that you can identify with the people that are on that bad list.
[SPEAKER_02]: and also why is it that whenever I have a chance to connect with people, these are people I've ratitate to.
[SPEAKER_02]: I think most people at this part of the time in the world are self-aware enough to know that they may have consistent patterns and they may want to avoid it, but a lot of times people try to put in the tools and the methods and the promises that we've heard other people do and it not work out for us.
[SPEAKER_02]: And so that's why I want us to talk about that today.
[SPEAKER_02]: So
[SPEAKER_02]: Let me know if that makes sense, let me know if y'all are with me with that.
[SPEAKER_02]: Welcome to everyone who's joining me while I'm waiting for y'all to let me know of that make sense.
[SPEAKER_02]: I'm going to introduce myself for those of you who joined me for the first time.
[SPEAKER_02]: My name is Shinila Shayt.
[SPEAKER_02]: I am the founder of Black Girls Heal.
[SPEAKER_02]: I'm a life that's therapist by trade and I'm also a love addiction coach and trauma specialist.
[SPEAKER_02]: I'm a podcast called Black Girls Heal that I've been podcasting.
[SPEAKER_02]: says 2000 and 17 with Black girls heal the before that I had a podcast called Love Junkie.
[SPEAKER_02]: And most socialization is sex all of the day.
[SPEAKER_02]: And heal it from the childhood trauma that calls it and all the relational trauma that comes by way of that.
[SPEAKER_02]: Hey, like us, let it mine forward, crying.
[SPEAKER_02]: I feel like my promise to you, that's hey, I'll get to see you.
[SPEAKER_02]: I'm so happy.
[SPEAKER_02]: What Brown says to make perfect sense.
[SPEAKER_02]: Awesome.
[SPEAKER_02]: And the way that I help women these days is by coaching by my programs.
[SPEAKER_02]: Laker was in the recovery school.
[SPEAKER_02]: But now the main program is called the BJ's method.
[SPEAKER_02]: And I'll share more about that.
[SPEAKER_02]: And the one we're talking about today is I'm going to do three tips if you've ever joined with before.
[SPEAKER_02]: On lives and in lessons.
[SPEAKER_02]: I'm someone who loves
[SPEAKER_02]: trying to make the abstract as practical as possible.
[SPEAKER_02]: When it comes to healing work, yes, we are continually on a process of healing.
[SPEAKER_02]: Yes, when it comes to emotions and being in our body, there are some things that we can.
[SPEAKER_02]: The place plays words to and connect to you and some things that we can't, but as much as I can, because I'm this way.
[SPEAKER_02]: I'm someone that if we're talking about something, I need to say I'm not someone who just wants to sit around and dream all day.
[SPEAKER_02]: Like let's just talk about what we could have or what we could do and recreate this building.
[SPEAKER_02]: We could have this type of generation, again, at least paint colors.
[SPEAKER_02]: I'm the person that's like, okay, so let's let's.
[SPEAKER_02]: Let's get this done.
[SPEAKER_02]: So what are the practical things that we can do to make this dream possible?
[SPEAKER_02]: So anytime I try to teach, I've tried to give y'all something that's practical, even if it's just an idea or something that's a tangible next step to take.
[SPEAKER_02]: So with that said, in us looking at finding love when you're too busy, I got three things for you.
[SPEAKER_02]: Three things to help you break the cycles, some of these things are going to be some of these things are going to be things that you can take into paper, journal, wrap, journal about if you have someone who's currently helping you work through these things.
[SPEAKER_02]: If a therapist or someone you can bring this to session will come up for you or if these are there to you want to go deeper in and work through with me.
[SPEAKER_02]: I am available to help coach you and work through this to get to the other side of this.
[SPEAKER_02]: So if you're ready for a point number one, go ahead and put a one in the chat or a heart in the chat and let me know that you're ready.
[SPEAKER_02]: I drive off, it being interactive.
[SPEAKER_02]: I know most people who do lives, the people I follow that do lives will say things like that.
[SPEAKER_02]: But for me, it's really true.
[SPEAKER_02]: I and I love questions.
[SPEAKER_02]: I love connecting whatever I'm talking about to what you're going through.
[SPEAKER_02]: So do not feel shy to drop those.
[SPEAKER_02]: Thank you for the ones.
[SPEAKER_02]: Okay.
[SPEAKER_02]: The first thing for you to do, mindset to have when you find that you are too busy, too far-love, and I didn't do the circles.
[SPEAKER_02]: That's not myself in doing air quotes because I want to be a one of the support of the people's experiences.
[SPEAKER_02]: But I have found that when it comes to working with, going with business, and this is gonna connect to all the points.
[SPEAKER_02]: A lot of us are legitimately busy, but some of us use that busyness as a Christian and as a buffer to stop us from being disappointed when it comes to putting ourselves out there.
[SPEAKER_02]: It is a way for us to have control, to have control in a life and in a situation or in our history when a lot of times we have in hack control.
[SPEAKER_02]: So, in my can control how much access I give to people by way of making myself busy, making myself unavailable.
[SPEAKER_02]: And sometimes the way that we do that looks very functional, we will be ahead of committees who will be ahead of ministries.
[SPEAKER_02]: We will be on our way in our promotions.
[SPEAKER_02]: We will have our main business in our side hustle.
[SPEAKER_02]: We will be the mom of the, we will be the ones planning all at the trips of the, of the, of the friend group.
[SPEAKER_02]: We will do things that are very functional
[SPEAKER_02]: But we have to look at are we having, are we building a life where we say, okay, one day when this slows down, then I'll make things for a lot.
[SPEAKER_02]: I'll make space for relationships.
[SPEAKER_02]: I'll make space for connection.
[SPEAKER_02]: And when I look back, has there ever been a good time for that?
[SPEAKER_02]: Has there ever been a time that I was like, okay, you know what?
[SPEAKER_02]: Nell's time for it.
[SPEAKER_02]: Now I'm less busy.
[SPEAKER_02]: And I say that because some of us, if it's not a filler and is that running from like those that fear of being alone or fear being quiet for the rest of us, it is because we're ambitious.
[SPEAKER_02]: It's because we are creative.
[SPEAKER_02]: It's because we are go getters.
[SPEAKER_02]: It's because we are here with purposes and gives that we need to express.
[SPEAKER_02]: And if that's the case, there is not going to be any season or chapter that things get easier or get slower because that is who you are.
[SPEAKER_02]: You are blessed.
[SPEAKER_02]: You're a divinely chosen.
[SPEAKER_02]: You are someone who's always going to be here creating and manifesting and making things of this world and making this world a better place.
[SPEAKER_02]: So that is who you are.
[SPEAKER_02]: It means that we need to intentionally on purpose.
[SPEAKER_02]: with the power that we have, make space for loving connection.
[SPEAKER_02]: Otherwise, it's not going to happen upon us, or if it does happen upon us, because we're not used to sharing our energy time and space, it's going to feel like an affluent.
[SPEAKER_02]: It's going to feel very intrusive.
[SPEAKER_02]: And chances are, if we have a version true,
[SPEAKER_02]: Being available, a lot of times we were a check people who are unavailable themselves, even though they're really pursuing us.
[SPEAKER_02]: Let me know some of you have that experience where you were busy, your money, your own business, you were doing your own thing, some of them pursued you happily.
[SPEAKER_02]: And then once they got you, they disappear, right?
[SPEAKER_02]: And aside, it just totally threw you off.
[SPEAKER_02]: You're like, I didn't even need to, to do that.
[SPEAKER_02]: Like, why would you interrupt my peas, interrupt my, my, my sanctuary, just to just to bother me?
[SPEAKER_02]: And Bomi, of course, and now I've spent time healing and getting back in my, in my flow, right?
[SPEAKER_02]: So that's why we have to intentionally make their time now.
[SPEAKER_02]: So I'll, I'll, I'll.
[SPEAKER_02]: I think your name is a Whitt Brown or White Brown, let me know.
[SPEAKER_02]: But Whitt Brown says more times than all likes to admit.
[SPEAKER_02]: And living free trolls says yes.
[SPEAKER_02]: So this is a very common experience.
[SPEAKER_02]: So the first thing for you to keep in line if that is your experience is you need to prioritize your emotional well-being.
[SPEAKER_02]: but also your peaceful well-being first.
[SPEAKER_02]: Okay, I'm going to say that again, I'm going to make it make a little bit more sense.
[SPEAKER_02]: I kind of think of the right words for this and it might come to me as I'm teaching this, but you're going to prioritize your emotional well-being and your peaceful well-being as well.
[SPEAKER_02]: First, I love your locks.
[SPEAKER_02]: Thank you.
[SPEAKER_02]: I really appreciate that.
[SPEAKER_02]: What do I mean by that?
[SPEAKER_02]: Whenever we hear people tell us we need to prioritize our emotional health, our emotional well-being, how we,
[SPEAKER_02]: feel that sound like my name I own this is like someone just commented or really setting your boundaries, right, making sure that people are not crossing your boundaries and causing you emotional harm and and and just hurting you, right?
[SPEAKER_02]: And so that may look different for a lot of people.
[SPEAKER_02]: Sometimes I look like working in a called dependency, learning on your ability to say, no, for some of us, it looks like working on our own emotional.
[SPEAKER_02]: health and making sure that we have access to our emotions.
[SPEAKER_02]: And that is more of the line that I want to pursue.
[SPEAKER_02]: It's virtually what I'll talk about peaceful well being.
[SPEAKER_02]: So for those of us who are purpose driven and we have a lot of things going on again, we're talking about those of us who are very busy.
[SPEAKER_02]: And can be very hard for us to prioritize learning how to rest, learning how to stop.
[SPEAKER_02]: learning how to take time to actually nurture us, and realize to feel safe with things going slower, with being at ease.
[SPEAKER_02]: Can we clock out when we're entering a location and not take a screen or something with it?
[SPEAKER_02]: Can we when we are connecting to someone not be thinking about the next thing that we have to do afterwards?
[SPEAKER_02]: Can we actually sleep at night without our mind running
[SPEAKER_02]: That is very important because in all of those things, a lot of times when I'm teaching, I'm talking about when I give my tagline on the things that I help them and with, you know, how to break the sack of love addiction and love avoidance, heal the trauma that calls it, and make way for help you love starting with your relationship with yourself.
[SPEAKER_02]: If I cannot give, based in time, it rests to myself.
[SPEAKER_02]: If I cannot not only spend time with myself, but I feel comfortable allowing myself to sit in the office and a place of, again, or you said this word, but a place of receiving is going to be really hard for me to be in relationships where that is the norm as well.
[SPEAKER_02]: where there's constantly some movement, there's constantly got it, we gotta do something.
[SPEAKER_02]: We have to divert all the energy because it's not safe for us to just be by ourselves.
[SPEAKER_02]: When you're in a healthy partnership and I'm going to kind of bleed and say the other two points as I talk about this.
[SPEAKER_02]: So some of these points are going to sound familiar when I get to them.
[SPEAKER_02]: Where you are in a healthy partnership, especially if someone who's busy a lot and does a lot of things, believe it or not, these partnerships help you be yourself even more so.
[SPEAKER_02]: They are partners that want to when you are running around and initiate giving you something to eat.
[SPEAKER_02]: Initiate asking you what is it that they can do?
[SPEAKER_02]: They are thoughtful and they pay attention to what is it that you need to make you feel comfortable.
[SPEAKER_02]: And so if you're not at a place with one, you already know how to do that for yourself, so this person can watch, or that you're open and available for some money to help you.
[SPEAKER_02]: And take the burden off your shoulders.
[SPEAKER_02]: It's going to be very hard to feel comfortable in these relationships and for that partner to feel like they have a grace and supporting you and loving you and taking care of you.
[SPEAKER_02]: Again, a lot of women who find themselves that they are, they fall under this type of, like, I'm too busy to find love and find connection when they step their toe out.
[SPEAKER_02]: They find someone who is unavailable.
[SPEAKER_02]: I already mentioned that the sign of the example of unavailability, where like a student is saying that they get you, that gets you connected, that gets you hooked.
[SPEAKER_02]: And then a student's your hunt, they lose interest and they go goals.
[SPEAKER_02]: For some other of us, what they may look like is it's someone that we have to put it work to do a lot of emotional labor to take care of, to help build them up, build up their self-esteem, help them with their baby mama, help them with their career, be there for them emotionally and as a lot of us giving.
[SPEAKER_02]: And so we want to bring the cycle from being women who always are giving to access, we have to become women who learn how to receive and how to receive
[SPEAKER_02]: Let me know if that makes it.
[SPEAKER_02]: Let me know if you'll have any questions about that point before I move forward because that is very, very important.
[SPEAKER_02]: And that could be something that may be a lifelong lesson for many of us.
[SPEAKER_02]: I think I could speak for myself.
[SPEAKER_02]: There have been different iterations where I was like, OK, I've learned how to rest.
[SPEAKER_02]: And I did.
[SPEAKER_02]: I was better than the woman that I was the year before.
[SPEAKER_02]: And then I had to learn a different layer of Rusty.
[SPEAKER_02]: And I was like, Oh, they had God.
[SPEAKER_02]: I'm joining this way.
[SPEAKER_02]: Now I can ask people for help and let people see my durability and let people see my emotions where I am.
[SPEAKER_02]: And that's the other thing about where someone who tends to be very busy.
[SPEAKER_02]: A lot of times when who may fall under this archetype of always having something to do.
[SPEAKER_02]: where we don't have a moment to go slow and to stop and to take time to focus on ourselves, that also means talking about our relationship with ourselves.
[SPEAKER_02]: We don't have an opportunity to process our emotions.
[SPEAKER_02]: We may mentally think about the first thing you're about this.
[SPEAKER_02]: This was agitating.
[SPEAKER_02]: This kind of meaning of set.
[SPEAKER_02]: This kind of made me sad but to be able to sit in our emotion and to feel it.
[SPEAKER_02]: and to agree, let's feel any negative that we need to to completion.
[SPEAKER_02]: But also, the positive notion too, we don't really have a lot of time and space to be able to feel all the happiest and all the joy and all the celebration for as long as we deserve to.
[SPEAKER_02]: So we're constantly moving through our emotions.
[SPEAKER_02]: And so we're so on who's kind of hard to catch in that way that also shows up in your partnerships and your relationships.
[SPEAKER_02]: So anyone who has maybe with me now, maybe watching a replay or who has held the examples of partnerships and relationships in your circle, let me know if you can ever relate if you can relate to.
[SPEAKER_02]: a partner who sees you completely.
[SPEAKER_02]: They're not someone who is there to see what they can get from you.
[SPEAKER_02]: They know you.
[SPEAKER_02]: And this could be a friendship as well.
[SPEAKER_02]: They know you and they can have a Steve through you.
[SPEAKER_02]: And it can be a really disarming sometimes.
[SPEAKER_02]: It could be very, they feel like you're naked in front of them because they can see when there's something wrong.
[SPEAKER_02]: And so when you tell them, everything's fine, and I like, no, it's not, I know it's not.
[SPEAKER_02]: That can be the cup, how can you tell?
[SPEAKER_02]: I'm usually so good at masking.
[SPEAKER_02]: I'm usually so good at doing this on my own, and also, I'm so used to not wanting to share this with the lighting because it's not going to make it better, and not trusting other people to support us with that.
[SPEAKER_02]: But again, when you are emotionally available yourself,
[SPEAKER_02]: by way of prioritizing being connected to your emotions, and prioritizing finding peace in your life, you're able to attract more people more relationships who will make space for that, and who will mash that energy.
[SPEAKER_02]: Living freeze travel says, I don't think I've had that.
[SPEAKER_02]: Well, then you deserve that.
[SPEAKER_02]: You deserve to have someone that sees you.
[SPEAKER_02]: And here's the thing that I believe is a gift, even though when you're going through it, it doesn't feel like a gift.
[SPEAKER_02]: is that as you start to break the cycle and change this trajectory, what you find is that you meet more and more people, romantic partnerships, friendships, and other lives that see you.
[SPEAKER_02]: As you become more available, you find more people who are available to you and you find that kindness, thoughtfulness, someone who is getting someone who is sensitive,
[SPEAKER_02]: is not an anomaly.
[SPEAKER_02]: Many MSFs stay connected to people because they gave us these breadcrumbs of kindness, assortment, softness, of listening to us, of nurturing us and restate, hoping to get more of that.
[SPEAKER_02]: But the episodes of that were a few of our part of the tweet.
[SPEAKER_02]: what do you break the cycle you meet, be separate people, a lot.
[SPEAKER_02]: But all the time, it does just because you meet someone who's kind, loving, thoughtful, and cares about your season.
[SPEAKER_02]: It does not mean that this person gives your person.
[SPEAKER_02]: and that can be really heartbreaking, especially if you build genuine love and connection with them.
[SPEAKER_02]: And maybe both of you wanted it to make it work, but love does not only exist in the vacuum of where you become, husband and wife, wife and wife, husband has been partner and partner.
[SPEAKER_02]: It, love is not restricted only to those places.
[SPEAKER_02]: And so what I mean that this is a gift you find,
[SPEAKER_02]: that you can and you should have access to love, to connection, and to safety, and all of your data and her relationships.
[SPEAKER_02]: For anyone who gives past those first couple days, so we're now your seriously dating and you're sharing more and you're involved in your life together, that person should be a safe person.
[SPEAKER_02]: That should person should be where the basic standard is, kindness, I see you, I love you.
[SPEAKER_02]: I'm here to support you.
[SPEAKER_02]: What can I do for you instead of what can you do for me?
[SPEAKER_02]: That is the basic mental and standard and it's now in your new normal.
[SPEAKER_02]: But that doesn't mean that that always shows up in lifelong partnerships.
[SPEAKER_02]: So when I say you deserve to have that, and someone else said, I've designed it to relate but unfortunately, I don't have that at this time, that is why that's my risk for you.
[SPEAKER_02]: That's why I teach these things because I don't want anyone to fall victims who, what I have as a recovery love addict in love, love a girl, copeless romantic is the same kid is going to be this one person.
[SPEAKER_02]: That's finally going to love me in the way that I deserve to be loved.
[SPEAKER_02]: And then I can rest, so relax.
[SPEAKER_02]: If it was a lot of pressure, and it was a lot of power.
[SPEAKER_02]: and so the hands of these romantic others that they don't deserve for the power is mine.
[SPEAKER_02]: I get to choose.
[SPEAKER_02]: I get to have people that are connected with, people that I love, people that love me, and I get to decide if life long, monogamous partnership with something that I want, I get to decide who are the people that unwae to allow to be in my presence.
[SPEAKER_02]: And of course, it's vice versa.
[SPEAKER_02]: If I'm choosing someone who is healthier, they are a little, they are going to use it on boundaries and discrimination to do the same thing.
[SPEAKER_02]: but just because someone's kindness me doesn't mean that they are old, my devotion and loyalty.
[SPEAKER_02]: And I think many of those had given that so quickly and stoke, usually, just because someone says something nice to us and sweet to us, just because they romance to us, just because they build us out of a hard time.
[SPEAKER_02]: And all those things can be appreciated, but for my heart, and for my body and my time, especially
[SPEAKER_02]: right.
[SPEAKER_02]: And so when you have more of these experiences, you have more discernment, and you can pick and choose and say, okay, well, this was great, but this is the one I want.
[SPEAKER_02]: And don't feel so, and not to say that anyone here has would use this word, but it's the best word I have right now, but kind of like love starved in a way.
[SPEAKER_02]: And we have a lot of love and connection and relationships and friendships and indeed things a lot of ways when it comes to that romantic love.
[SPEAKER_02]: I guess it's what I'm connecting to right now.
[SPEAKER_02]: That part was like, man, I just wish I had that.
[SPEAKER_02]: All of the rest of the stuff that I have is a main thing.
[SPEAKER_02]: I just wish I had that type of couping friendship.
[SPEAKER_02]: You're staying just changed with that.
[SPEAKER_02]: Okay.
[SPEAKER_02]: So, let's talk about point number two.
[SPEAKER_02]: If you're ready for point number two, right two, or drop a heart in the chat for me, point number two, right two, or drop a heart in the chat for me.
[SPEAKER_02]: And if you're watching this, I'll replay, feel free to let me know how this relates to you, and drop a comment.
[SPEAKER_02]: I would love, love, love to see looks coming out for you as you do it.
[SPEAKER_02]: You can also set notifications to know when I go live again.
[SPEAKER_02]: I might actually use this as our podcast episode for the this week.
[SPEAKER_02]: I want to do like some gin Thomas up, but I think I'm going to hold off for that for a while.
[SPEAKER_02]: Okay, thank you for the number two on YouTube.
[SPEAKER_02]: I appreciate that.
[SPEAKER_02]: So the second thing for you to keep in mind, if you are someone who says that you are too busy to find love, to find connection, to find this thing that you want is working on your fears of losing control and focus on
[SPEAKER_02]: and focus on the learning how to let people in.
[SPEAKER_02]: Okay.
[SPEAKER_02]: This is the hardest thing.
[SPEAKER_02]: This is the hardest thing ever.
[SPEAKER_02]: Because it is physically painful.
[SPEAKER_02]: I don't know about y'all.
[SPEAKER_02]: So I've been through withdrawal.
[SPEAKER_02]: If those are new people familiar with that work, I talk about something called the addiction, which is the persistent obsession of a person, a relationship, or the fantasy if
[SPEAKER_02]: and is actually an addictive process.
[SPEAKER_02]: So much so that if anyone has been a recovery or no someone who's been a recovery of children's programs, they literally will tell people to not into relationships our first year sobriety because that relationship will become their new addiction, that rivals the same amount of intensity pain, chaos as whatever narcotic drug or whatever
[SPEAKER_02]: the obsession about it, the consequences of it, the ways that they will go off the deep end because of it, because of that is connected to deeper underlying traumas and so when we are and breaking up with a person when they're breaking up with us, when we feel that withdrawal from them.
[SPEAKER_02]: it is in our belt like it's in our belt, it's in our nervous system.
[SPEAKER_02]: And it is deeply painful.
[SPEAKER_02]: For us, it is deeply painful.
[SPEAKER_02]: I've already had a couple episodes where I talked about breakup pain and stuff, but it is physically painful.
[SPEAKER_02]: So I've done that.
[SPEAKER_02]: And I can tell you that the pain of the ablerable and letting somebody in when you have some symptoms of avoidance yourself
[SPEAKER_02]: It is more painful, it is more stripping because it involves you initiating it, not only initiating it, but also respond to you being, it also involves you being responsive to it.
[SPEAKER_02]: So when that partner, that friend, offer that hand out to help you or to be there for you, you have to reach your hand back out and accept it and meet them there.
[SPEAKER_02]: And that's a scary.
[SPEAKER_02]: In a scary, you feel it in your chest for me.
[SPEAKER_02]: I have felt it in my chest.
[SPEAKER_02]: I felt it in my stomach.
[SPEAKER_02]: I felt like running away.
[SPEAKER_02]: I felt like going under a table.
[SPEAKER_02]: Because what that involves, talking about the trauma patterns, is that involves completely
[SPEAKER_02]: Exposing yourself for someone to reject you for someone to use the pain that they have the pain that if you have before and exploiting it to hurt in a ways that other people have hurt before for you to be to look like a fool for someone to make fun of the thing that you say that you need the most and that was so dear to you
[SPEAKER_02]: And there's still masking when all that happens, right?
[SPEAKER_02]: Could it be intimate and connected to someone?
[SPEAKER_02]: It involves you bearing all in that way and trusting that the person the other side is going to respond in the right way.
[SPEAKER_02]: Which is why I spend so much time and I build these programs and I build all these experiences and I do one off workshops and you know and deeper intense this and stuff like that because what I find is that women get to a place when they're like
[SPEAKER_02]: are ready to try.
[SPEAKER_02]: It was an open heart and real authenticity.
[SPEAKER_02]: In genuineness, they will go out and try to connect to these people.
[SPEAKER_02]: And in a remote 100 people, they will pick a person that looks good on the outside, but ends up
[SPEAKER_02]: do it exactly with their biggest fears.
[SPEAKER_02]: Maybe they're there for a while but then they disappear.
[SPEAKER_02]: Maybe they in a cheating on them.
[SPEAKER_02]: Maybe they end up being a narcissist.
[SPEAKER_02]: And what they fell for was the love bombing and the overtures of love that may seem like this person saw them but really you were just a target.
[SPEAKER_02]: And that type of betrayal hurts you more than ever.
[SPEAKER_02]: So what do you do
[SPEAKER_02]: First, you need to work on that part of your your your walls up that makes it hard for you to let people in on the first place because I identify in the science and the patterns and everything is what I talk about a lot here, but on the other side of that is okay.
[SPEAKER_02]: Let me let me let me let me say this thing.
[SPEAKER_02]: You may know how to identify the right people, but if you don't have an open door for them to walk through.
[SPEAKER_02]: They all burn just when we staring on each other.
[SPEAKER_02]: They're going to show away your doorstep.
[SPEAKER_02]: You'll be looking at them.
[SPEAKER_02]: They only look at you.
[SPEAKER_02]: You'll be looking back at them.
[SPEAKER_02]: You know, it's going to be a didn't mean like all over.
[SPEAKER_02]: Instead of you actually be able to make a move.
[SPEAKER_02]: Throw.
[SPEAKER_02]: And you've had next to anything that I said about having those walls up.
[SPEAKER_02]: And let me know if anyone connects to their comment and let me know in the chat.
[SPEAKER_02]: But.
[SPEAKER_02]: If that is something that you can let you, you've got to start working on those underlying things now, so that when you are around this person or these people that will come into your life, it doesn't mean that you'll be a hundred percent good like I'll talk about here's the thing a lot of the such as practice so when the women that I work with they get into the program.
[SPEAKER_02]: They might have all the things they could all the head, not.
[SPEAKER_02]: They could all, they could all the myth.
[SPEAKER_02]: They could all the things that they need.
[SPEAKER_02]: And they connect on the ducks in like the world as well.
[SPEAKER_02]: It's like, what is it that?
[SPEAKER_02]: Now movie with Tom Cruise, where he's like, moving all things around?
[SPEAKER_02]: It's just hilarious though.
[SPEAKER_02]: It's a mentoring and candidate.
[SPEAKER_02]: That's not it.
[SPEAKER_02]: I forget what it is.
[SPEAKER_02]: We found no little wheel.
[SPEAKER_02]: But all the things are computing.
[SPEAKER_02]: But when it comes to this stuff, it's the action of it.
[SPEAKER_02]: You can know this, but it's like, when I have the moment to open up until it's somebody in or to be vulnerable.
[SPEAKER_02]: And instead of me, so for example, you hurt my feelings, you say something I don't like.
[SPEAKER_02]: Now, I'm not talking to myself.
[SPEAKER_02]: Lord, I'm talking to myself.
[SPEAKER_02]: I'm gonna have to go make some things right after this slide.
[SPEAKER_02]: You hurt my feelings, did something that made me feel not so good.
[SPEAKER_02]: Am I willing to actually tell you with my words and tell you softly and not going to drop hints?
[SPEAKER_02]: I'm not going to use my emotions as a weapon to punish you.
[SPEAKER_02]: Am I going to tell you with vulnerability?
[SPEAKER_02]: Hey, when this thing happened earlier, my feelings were really hurt.
[SPEAKER_02]: And I needed you to help me with this in this way.
[SPEAKER_02]: And this is how it happens.
[SPEAKER_02]: And that may make you all sad.
[SPEAKER_02]: Can I say it that way instead of taking a while to answer your texts if I answer it at all?
[SPEAKER_02]: When we are hanging out, I'm stopping around the house or the apartment, instead of actually talking to you.
[SPEAKER_02]: What I do talk to you, my answers are short and indirect.
[SPEAKER_02]: So that you know I'm upset, and then when you ask me, is everything cool on my gunfire?
[SPEAKER_02]: Because I want you to guess, I want you to do the work to bring to me that you are worth knowing what I'm upset about.
[SPEAKER_02]: when, to my point, if we are finding people who are healthy and available for us, they've already proven that they're saying.
[SPEAKER_02]: They proven that they care.
[SPEAKER_02]: They proven that if I tell you to tell you something that they're right to take it to heart and they're so that I can't be vulnerable with and they're going to take it seriously, right?
[SPEAKER_02]: And so if I'm playing Gimmie Gacha with my emotions and my heart and my feelings that person does not have the opportunity to make
[SPEAKER_02]: but I have to practice there.
[SPEAKER_02]: I have to go out and I have to say, okay, this is my chance.
[SPEAKER_02]: And then if I don't take that chance, is that about shaming myself?
[SPEAKER_02]: Is it about looking at, okay?
[SPEAKER_02]: Word in this come from and looking at that deeper place and working with whoever you're working with whether or not it's me or somebody else to break that cycle so that you can go and do it better than next time.
[SPEAKER_02]: Or bonus.
[SPEAKER_02]: Go back to that person and say, hey, I was reflecting on this thing that happened.
[SPEAKER_02]: This is how I showed up and I wish I would have showed up in this way.
[SPEAKER_02]: What was that like for you?
[SPEAKER_02]: And letting someone tell us how our actions affected them.
[SPEAKER_02]: And how vulnerable is that when you are actually very sensitive and you care about the other person, care about being someone who can either for the people that you love.
[SPEAKER_02]: With that make sense, let me know if that makes sense.
[SPEAKER_02]: next victory lapses that's me.
[SPEAKER_02]: Yeah, I can absolutely relate to that.
[SPEAKER_02]: So the second point of working on your fears, losing control and focusing on letting people in is the idea that when you are very busy, when you're someone who finds that you're very busy in your in your life, if it's connected to other different things, all the things I'm listening today, if you relate to all of them, it's because they're all intertwined.
[SPEAKER_02]: is not as simple as makes facing or skeletal for or for dig nights makes facing your skeletal to when I was saying earlier about prioritizing your emotional and peaceful while being is not as simple as make sure that you go and get a weekly massage and do your own devotional time every day because there's deeper things that are connected to this otherwise we would not have to worry about this so it all will be taken care of.
[SPEAKER_02]: Great.
[SPEAKER_02]: So the last thing I'll say about working on your field losing control because I started with the second part and not the first part of that statement is I guess it is still connected to be open and being vulnerable because that control part is like you measuring out how much that person gets to see of you and feel for me instead of just sharing what it is so that they can reach you where you are and you all can find a compromise together or you can hear about how you're
[SPEAKER_02]: avoidance in your ability to not show up is impacting the relationship.
[SPEAKER_02]: And that's where real of women really comes at, come to the neck.
[SPEAKER_02]: It's not sure you're still working here.
[SPEAKER_02]: Like one thing is that I'd had to work while I'm my own personal relationship journey is because I had a history of people who were
[SPEAKER_02]: actually victimizing me emotionally and not showing up for me and being unavailable.
[SPEAKER_02]: I have an underlying resentment or maybe expectation that other people would do the same.
[SPEAKER_02]: And so if I was being gaming or flaky or sometimes in a relationship, I feel justified because I knew that I needed to have as armor up.
[SPEAKER_02]: I knew that I needed to present in this way to protect myself because I didn't
[SPEAKER_02]: intelligence or sensitivity to care about how it affects in me as well.
[SPEAKER_02]: So when you start to be in relationships who do have the emotional death, who do have the emotional intelligence, who do have the emotional sensitivity and desire to respond, that means that your armor and your games and honor your other stuff now becomes relationship destroy.
[SPEAKER_02]: Now you can be part of the problem
[SPEAKER_02]: Last point, and then we're going to be going for the day, and you're ready for point number three, put a three or a heart in the chat, a three or a heart in the chat.
[SPEAKER_02]: I think there's a little bit of the delay on histograms, though, all the way to the actual second bear, but a three or a heart in the chat.
[SPEAKER_02]: And that we know if you're enjoying this as well.
[SPEAKER_02]: I have learned chatting with you all.
[SPEAKER_02]: Now that I back, like I said, I had it gone live and my couple of years ago, so is then great to connect with everyone again.
[SPEAKER_02]: Okay.
[SPEAKER_02]: Thank you for the free.
[SPEAKER_02]: Last point, it you find that you are too busy to let love and thank you for the career on that screen.
[SPEAKER_02]: If you're too busy to let love in, there's just a lot of things going on and a lot of things that are really getting in the way of UBMs for our ties relationships.
[SPEAKER_02]: And if you if you're just enjoying me make sure that you check out the intro where I talked about some of the reasons why that may be happening yes legitimate things that you're actually busy with with some other emotional stuff to that might meant me and your radar that'd be very good for you to have awareness on where it comes to where I can do this.
[SPEAKER_02]: So the third thing for you to keep in mind is you need to change any beliefs, that relationships, or get remote on heroin.
[SPEAKER_02]: Okay, change the belief that relationships are more work or change the connotation of what that more work means.
[SPEAKER_02]: So you're going to change any beliefs that relationships are more work or any connotation that about what that work means so that it can be more enjoyable.
[SPEAKER_02]: So let me turn with that means we will hear that phrase all the time that relationship
[SPEAKER_02]: Just so like, I got a meth going on.
[SPEAKER_02]: I have a nothing so much plate.
[SPEAKER_02]: Enough things that are mentally on my radar.
[SPEAKER_02]: Enough things that I am in charge of.
[SPEAKER_02]: And if you're telling me that should be in relationship with this person or with somebody, somebody who's somebody that I have to sign up for emotional labor, for breakups, for me being distracted from things I actually really enjoy.
[SPEAKER_02]: I will need it, I don't want it, right?
[SPEAKER_02]: And I think that that is a healthy boundary to have.
[SPEAKER_02]: Which is why I tried to, I didn't finish, but I thought earlier, I did finish, I thought about why I tried to lean into for like a year or so, some change you could go back in the archives of the podcast of like really focusing on topics that were just about self love and the centering relationships and I am focusing on yourself.
[SPEAKER_02]: But I realized that is because people work don't connect to the wrong type of people.
[SPEAKER_02]: If I'm with someone who is making my life better,
[SPEAKER_02]: Then that work looks very different.
[SPEAKER_02]: So let me give you an example this way when I'm talking about change to the commentation of work.
[SPEAKER_02]: I am blessed enough to wear working with women on their trauma patterns, on their childhood trauma, the relationship trauma, on love addiction, on breaking out on our successive relationships, on previous emotional, physical, leaving sexual abuse in their childhoods.
[SPEAKER_02]: All that stuff is, is energizing to me.
[SPEAKER_02]: I love love love, and I've been in this, what, how many years now?
[SPEAKER_02]: When we, 27, no, 17 years, I can't do a math, right?
[SPEAKER_02]: 17 years, I'm thin in this word, right?
[SPEAKER_02]: And I love it with people find out that I'm a therapist but I try to let I do this work of like, ooh, that sounds heavy.
[SPEAKER_02]: And I'm like, I love this.
[SPEAKER_02]: I love what I get to do.
[SPEAKER_02]: I love being able to hold stays with the line I held.
[SPEAKER_02]: feel that connection to the light and a beauty that they've always had just for themselves and then because of what my specialty in, help them get connected to relationships then make them feel better.
[SPEAKER_02]: That is what you're needing to.
[SPEAKER_02]: So, showing up here is what you're needing to me.
[SPEAKER_02]: talking to women, creating programs, writing books, pray for me that, then it's just no contact book.
[SPEAKER_02]: That is big.
[SPEAKER_02]: Very, or if I were to put it into words, what I teach on the accounts of no contact and what I'd or use it.
[SPEAKER_02]: But all that stuff is exciting to me.
[SPEAKER_02]: Ask me for workout construction company.
[SPEAKER_02]: or work in urban development and planning.
[SPEAKER_02]: What's the most of the things that girlfriends do?
[SPEAKER_02]: Ask me about going into medical field and doing nursing.
[SPEAKER_02]: Those are not my specialties.
[SPEAKER_02]: Those are not things that would do beneath me.
[SPEAKER_02]: Could it be things that I can learn about and do?
[SPEAKER_02]: Yes.
[SPEAKER_02]: Is being a therapist and working on trauma and things something that other people could do?
[SPEAKER_02]: Yes, would they like it?
[SPEAKER_02]: Would they want to do them?
[SPEAKER_02]: Would they want to sign up for it?
[SPEAKER_02]: No.
[SPEAKER_02]: So when I've talking about changing the connotation of it and changing the connotation of work means, we want to look for work, jobs, relationships that are pleasurable to us.
[SPEAKER_02]: that when I think about connecting to this person, communicating to them, learning to build a life together, learning what compromise means for you and compromise means for me.
[SPEAKER_02]: It doesn't require me to lose.
[SPEAKER_02]: I don't lose energy.
[SPEAKER_02]: I'm not being drained.
[SPEAKER_02]: I'm not being distracted.
[SPEAKER_02]: Does that make sense?
[SPEAKER_02]: I'm in relationships and make me more confident.
[SPEAKER_02]: That make me believe that I can do what I'm creating on this world to do even more.
[SPEAKER_02]: That will remove barriers for me.
[SPEAKER_02]: Right?
[SPEAKER_02]: I'm not a cook.
[SPEAKER_02]: If you've been a part of this podcast at any point in time, or join the following for a while, I have opted said, you girls don't cook.
[SPEAKER_02]: This may or I hear.
[SPEAKER_02]: And he wasn't cooking for me, I'm your buddy burger, I mean, the one he's every day, right?
[SPEAKER_02]: And it's one of the things that helps take my mental load off.
[SPEAKER_02]: So that is something that I can actually focus here and I could focus on all the other places that I want to have energy.
[SPEAKER_02]: With finding relationships that it is not a struggles, you're not the only one doing the emotional labor.
[SPEAKER_02]: So when it comes to talking about what you need, that person is right there with you.
[SPEAKER_02]: They're right there asking and initiating it and also being receptor to the blood that you give, they're appreciative of it.
[SPEAKER_02]: They're not taking your for granted.
[SPEAKER_02]: How many of you had given gifts to people and done things for people?
[SPEAKER_02]: Only for them to, maybe even not say thank you or esteem as if they could have gotten a better someplace else.
[SPEAKER_02]: And it made you feel like, well, what?
[SPEAKER_02]: But I didn't want to do that.
[SPEAKER_02]: Like I wasn't even looking for the same view, but just the fact that you were taking me for granted, makes this gift feel yucky on the inside, right?
[SPEAKER_02]: So we want to change the beliefs that to be in relationships, it means struggle left, basically.
[SPEAKER_02]: versus love that would do an ace that we all are nervous system and lakes things better.
[SPEAKER_02]: And when that becomes our standard, then it makes it easier for us to shift things to want to make space for another connection because I'm getting something.
[SPEAKER_02]: I'm not exchanging my time in my energy and my focus for just one more to do thing on my risks.
[SPEAKER_02]: One more person I got to answer the calls for.
[SPEAKER_02]: One more person I got to show up for.
[SPEAKER_02]: One more person I got to plan things with.
[SPEAKER_02]: I'm actually receiving, I don't want to say more, but I'm receiving as much, if not more, than what I'm getting in this exchange.
[SPEAKER_02]: Okay?
[SPEAKER_02]: And then, and then it makes it not a burden.
[SPEAKER_02]: So, hopefully that makes things, these are all the things like I said that I help them into you in my BGH method program.
[SPEAKER_02]: It is a 90 day 12 week curriculum where step-by-step every week you get homework, you get next steps on how to break the cycle yourself.
[SPEAKER_02]: From the first lesson first week, you are learning how to identify these things in people and then we build from there.
[SPEAKER_02]: Every lesson steps on top of each other, you can do this in the comfort of your own home according to your own schedule because I know again that these days, especially the woman who relates to being very busy, needs to have that flexibility and you have lifetime access to work through these things and also get full time access to all upgrades
[SPEAKER_02]: My main signature program with this is now the BGH method program.
[SPEAKER_02]: So, you can learn more at and join.
[SPEAKER_02]: Get started immediately by going to Black Girls heel.
[SPEAKER_02]: That war slash method.
[SPEAKER_02]: And if you're listening to this audio on the podcast, I will make this podcast episode.
[SPEAKER_02]: It will be in the show notes.
[SPEAKER_02]: That's it y'all, thank you so much for joining me.
[SPEAKER_02]: I hope that you enjoyed it.
[SPEAKER_02]: I will see you the next time I go liars though, if you are following, make sure that you are subscribed and that you have notifications turned on so you don't miss it.
[SPEAKER_02]: But I hope you'll have a wonderful day and I'll see you in the next one.