WEBVTT 00:00.638 --> 00:01.639 [SPEAKER_00]: I'm Jamie Cochran. 00:01.879 --> 00:02.460 [SPEAKER_01]: I'm Lake Babin. 00:02.700 --> 00:03.441 [SPEAKER_00]: We'd win. 00:03.722 --> 00:05.203 [SPEAKER_01]: I'm extreme ownership podcast. 00:06.425 --> 00:11.030 [SPEAKER_00]: We're back with another episode and we've got with us once again, Jaco Willink, joining us. 00:11.110 --> 00:15.475 [SPEAKER_00]: And the topic today is all about maintaining control of your emotions. 00:15.915 --> 00:23.524 [SPEAKER_00]: And why is a leader as it's so important that we don't lose control, that we don't lose control of our emotions and these sometimes chaotic situations? 00:24.263 --> 00:28.933 [SPEAKER_02]: Certainly is not a good look when you lose control of your emotions as a leader. 00:28.993 --> 00:32.861 [SPEAKER_02]: If you can't control your emotions, how are you going to make good decisions? 00:32.961 --> 00:35.466 [SPEAKER_02]: How are you going to control anything else that's happening? 00:35.506 --> 00:36.628 [SPEAKER_02]: If you can't control your emotions? 00:36.648 --> 00:44.685 [SPEAKER_02]: So, one of the clearest examples of this is what's the difference between a child and an adult? 00:44.665 --> 00:49.291 [SPEAKER_02]: It's supposed to be that by the time you're an adult, you can control your emotions. 00:49.331 --> 01:00.545 [SPEAKER_02]: You stop having temper tantrums in the grocery market because you can't get the piece of candy, and you should just continue to develop there and have more and more control of your emotions as you get older. 01:01.566 --> 01:12.900 [SPEAKER_02]: And yet somehow, shockingly, we still get to see people all around the world on a daily basis, completely lose control of their emotions and make terrible decisions when they do. 01:13.252 --> 01:21.821 [SPEAKER_00]: Yeah, we had a social post once of you talking in a muster and you made a comment that good leaders don't yell at their people and people went crazy. 01:22.221 --> 01:24.783 [SPEAKER_00]: And what's interesting is I think people generally agree. 01:24.844 --> 01:25.744 [SPEAKER_00]: Yes, you shouldn't yell. 01:26.265 --> 01:27.806 [SPEAKER_00]: And yet, we do it all the time. 01:28.187 --> 01:32.491 [SPEAKER_00]: Maybe not with our bosses or our colleagues, maybe we're a little more controlled in those situations. 01:33.192 --> 01:37.957 [SPEAKER_00]: But how many of us are losing our cool and losing our emotions and yelling at home? 01:38.137 --> 01:39.478 [SPEAKER_00]: And that's still a leadership. 01:39.458 --> 01:44.125 [SPEAKER_02]: When you say people went crazy on the post, what, what do you mean they went crazy? 01:44.145 --> 01:45.287 [SPEAKER_02]: They were excited about it. 01:45.327 --> 01:46.449 [SPEAKER_02]: They had a sense of them. 01:46.529 --> 01:46.789 [SPEAKER_00]: Yes. 01:46.809 --> 01:48.151 [SPEAKER_00]: There was a lot of positivity. 01:48.171 --> 01:50.535 [SPEAKER_00]: There was a lot of like reinforcement of this idea. 01:50.555 --> 01:58.227 [SPEAKER_00]: And for a lot of them, maybe an insinuation that they do get yelled at, and that's a thing that they, they experience in their day-to-day. 01:58.207 --> 01:58.948 [SPEAKER_02]: Yeah. 01:58.968 --> 02:02.615 [SPEAKER_02]: And I always think again, what's your response when you get yelled at? 02:03.096 --> 02:10.831 [SPEAKER_02]: You know, even when you were a kid and your parents yelled at you, sure you might have some sense of fear, but your respect level doesn't go up. 02:10.871 --> 02:12.234 [SPEAKER_02]: You probably are getting frustrated. 02:12.274 --> 02:16.262 [SPEAKER_02]: You realize that this is a terrible situation that you're in and it's not going to improve. 02:16.703 --> 02:20.029 [SPEAKER_02]: So the same thing happens if you're yelling at people that you 02:20.009 --> 02:44.008 [SPEAKER_02]: work with, which is to me just a crazy thing to think about, but yeah, we've got to, we definitely got to control our emotions and, you know, it might not necessarily manifest itself as yelling, you know, some people throw stuff, some people storm away, you know, whatever that manifests of, of anger or frustration you actually show is going to be problematic. 02:44.444 --> 02:46.267 [SPEAKER_00]: and likely to get mirrored back to you. 02:46.447 --> 03:06.081 [SPEAKER_00]: When you react in that way, you yell, you show that frustration at least I know with my kids, I am more likely to get that same behavior mirrored back to me, but when I am calm and collected and in control of my emotions, the likelihood of us solving this problem and diminishing someone else's response in that situation increases significantly. 03:06.382 --> 03:13.669 [SPEAKER_02]: What's your protocol with the child that is doing everything in their power to make you mad? 03:13.890 --> 03:15.295 [SPEAKER_02]: What do you do, Jamie Cochlan? 03:16.473 --> 03:18.235 [SPEAKER_00]: I have a kid who likes to do that. 03:18.315 --> 03:21.960 [SPEAKER_00]: I have a kid who likes to just chip away at that patient. 03:21.980 --> 03:23.401 [SPEAKER_02]: Oh, you know there's a name for that now. 03:23.421 --> 03:24.683 [SPEAKER_02]: Do you know what rage baiting is? 03:24.703 --> 03:25.804 [SPEAKER_02]: Oh, yeah, yeah. 03:25.824 --> 03:26.845 [SPEAKER_02]: So you get rage baited. 03:27.046 --> 03:29.749 [SPEAKER_00]: I have one child who loves to rage bait. 03:30.330 --> 03:34.675 [SPEAKER_00]: I think what I've learned is in any scenario in which I have lost my cool. 03:34.735 --> 03:37.258 [SPEAKER_00]: We are not solving this problem. 03:37.338 --> 03:46.429 [SPEAKER_00]: And the challenge that I have is a mom is I'm constantly telling my kids and trying to get them to learn 03:46.409 --> 03:50.716 [SPEAKER_00]: I can't then on the flip side, the second they do something that frustrates me, lose my cool. 03:51.157 --> 03:52.479 [SPEAKER_00]: Like, what am I trying to show them? 03:52.499 --> 03:54.002 [SPEAKER_00]: What's the example that I'm trying to set? 03:54.082 --> 03:58.430 [SPEAKER_00]: So for me, in that moment, I choose to give myself a timeout. 03:58.830 --> 04:07.405 [SPEAKER_00]: I choose to just walk away from the situation, because I know if I sit here, he is going to rage baby and he's going to win, he's going to pull me into that emotional reaction. 04:08.026 --> 04:11.472 [SPEAKER_00]: So I actually use a tactic I learned from my dad. 04:11.452 --> 04:16.958 [SPEAKER_00]: When I was young and I, you know, teenage girl and I like to, you know, whatever argue, my mom would argue with me. 04:16.979 --> 04:25.228 [SPEAKER_00]: My dad, yes, when I wanted to read it, and my dad would always just simply and calmly put his hand up and say, I'm not going to argue with you about this. 04:26.209 --> 04:33.878 [SPEAKER_00]: And that always shut it down because you can't in that moment react in an emotional way when someone's just saying, basically saying, I'm not going to do this. 04:34.399 --> 04:36.902 [SPEAKER_00]: So with my own kids, I either, you know, 04:36.882 --> 04:37.403 [SPEAKER_00]: do that. 04:37.563 --> 04:44.571 [SPEAKER_00]: Hey, I'm not going to argue with you about this, or if I'm not quite controlled as I want to be, I just remove myself from the situation. 04:44.651 --> 04:45.472 [SPEAKER_00]: I'm going to go outside. 04:45.492 --> 04:46.373 [SPEAKER_00]: I'm going to go to my room. 04:46.813 --> 04:53.941 [SPEAKER_00]: I'm going to give myself a timeout and create the space I need so that I can go and have a conversation with my teenage kid that's much more productive. 04:54.041 --> 04:58.727 [SPEAKER_02]: What's the line between, you know, I'm emotional about something. 04:58.767 --> 04:59.247 [SPEAKER_02]: I'm your kid. 04:59.267 --> 05:05.995 [SPEAKER_02]: I'm emotional about 05:06.262 --> 05:09.187 [SPEAKER_02]: What's the line between that and you basically telling me like you better calm down? 05:09.988 --> 05:10.529 [SPEAKER_02]: You know what I'm saying? 05:10.549 --> 05:15.638 [SPEAKER_02]: Like we always tell people, hey, if Jamie comes to me and she's really mad and I say Jamie you need to calm down. 05:16.259 --> 05:17.321 [SPEAKER_02]: There's a little bit of it. 05:17.481 --> 05:25.755 [SPEAKER_02]: There's a big difference between me saying, hey, Jamie, I'm not going to argue with you about this as opposed to, hey, Jamie you need to calm down. 05:25.735 --> 05:26.676 [SPEAKER_02]: But they're similar. 05:26.997 --> 05:30.881 [SPEAKER_02]: I want to make sure they're saying something that will be received in a positive way. 05:30.901 --> 05:34.906 [SPEAKER_02]: So when your dad would tell you, hey, Jamie, I'm not going to argue with you about this. 05:35.387 --> 05:42.235 [SPEAKER_02]: Was it sort of a way of saying, hey, listen, the frustration is not going to help us solve this problem? 05:42.596 --> 05:45.099 [SPEAKER_02]: Is it, hey, your emotions don't mean anything to me. 05:45.119 --> 05:47.021 [SPEAKER_02]: So I'm walking away, which I think would be a bad thing. 05:47.242 --> 05:49.144 [SPEAKER_02]: How did you receive that from your dad? 05:49.276 --> 05:52.924 [SPEAKER_00]: He would always say, hey, I'm not going to argue about this, but there was always a caveat to that. 05:53.325 --> 06:01.943 [SPEAKER_00]: I don't like the plan as you've presented it, but if you want to talk about another idea or another option, I'm all open for that all day long, and I try to do the same with my kids. 06:02.304 --> 06:09.158 [SPEAKER_00]: It's not saying, hey, I'm not going to have this conversation with you, but sometimes after a mind, my teenager, hey, we're on the same team. 06:09.138 --> 06:13.366 [SPEAKER_00]: And I don't want the kind of relationship where we are frictional and we are arguing with one another. 06:13.386 --> 06:15.250 [SPEAKER_00]: That's not beneficial to our relationship. 06:15.791 --> 06:16.713 [SPEAKER_00]: So I tell him the truth. 06:17.474 --> 06:23.045 [SPEAKER_00]: And in order for me to have this conversation, I need to take some time and attach because I don't want to lose my cool on you. 06:23.626 --> 06:24.227 [SPEAKER_00]: And 06:24.207 --> 06:50.282 [SPEAKER_00]: Typically I get some level, maybe not in the moment of some respect, but if I give it 20 minutes or 30 minutes and we come back to the table he's more inclined and how that conversation with me and I'm in a better headspace to have a productive conversation to solve this problem. 06:50.617 --> 06:56.545 [SPEAKER_01]: And I think you use a Sabbath sat right away, like losing your emotions is a side of weakness. 06:56.565 --> 06:59.009 [SPEAKER_01]: And it didn't start with like, don't yell at your people. 06:59.049 --> 07:03.936 [SPEAKER_01]: Don't yell yelling is not something you wanna do as a leader. 07:04.657 --> 07:09.103 [SPEAKER_01]: It kind of started with just remaining calm in the midst of totally chaotic situations. 07:09.363 --> 07:11.967 [SPEAKER_01]: And that is not in our nature to do that. 07:11.947 --> 07:18.116 [SPEAKER_01]: That's something you demonstrated for us in task in a bruiser, of just remaining calm in the midst of some really chaotic training situations. 07:18.937 --> 07:31.775 [SPEAKER_01]: And it became a thing where the more calm that you could be under the more chaos, it was like, that was like the badge of honor that you wanted to achieve, who could be the most calm over the radio. 07:32.436 --> 07:34.859 [SPEAKER_01]: And it translated or even in person. 07:34.899 --> 07:36.341 [SPEAKER_01]: And that translated on the battlefield as well. 07:36.361 --> 07:39.726 [SPEAKER_01]: When bullets were flying around and explosions are going off, 07:39.706 --> 07:44.133 [SPEAKER_01]: who could be the most common with radio, and had we not really trained and worked on that. 07:45.134 --> 07:54.648 [SPEAKER_01]: It was super important to be able to do that so that we can actually convey information that we need to do to get help what we need to do to call for extractor, call for fire support. 07:55.269 --> 08:00.237 [SPEAKER_01]: Because I think when you, we know when you get emotional, no one makes good decisions when they get emotional. 08:00.257 --> 08:09.190 [SPEAKER_01]: So the first thing that you have to do that you taught me was to relax, look around, make 08:10.317 --> 08:26.706 [SPEAKER_01]: because nobody makes good decisions when they're getting frustrated, when they're getting angry, when they're getting super emotional, are they're in panic mode, you got to calm yourself down, then you can look around, pull yourself back from the situation to touch and see what's the most important thing to be focused on and then I can make the call. 08:26.686 --> 08:35.136 [SPEAKER_01]: to get the team moving in that direction, and then I can move on to the next thing, and that's how we prioritize an execute under pressure, and it's just not, it's not in my nature to do that. 08:35.196 --> 08:51.917 [SPEAKER_01]: I get spun up real easily, I get fired up, you've often said I have the worst poker face when someone tells me something, you know, here's the plan we're going to do that, I don't think it's a good deal, everyone can see that, everyone get my faces turned red, I'm getting angry, so it's somehow 08:51.897 --> 08:54.720 [SPEAKER_01]: But it really does work if you're running that protocol. 08:54.740 --> 08:57.023 [SPEAKER_01]: Okay, I can feel myself getting angry and agitated. 08:57.824 --> 09:00.948 [SPEAKER_01]: Let me relax, take a breath, calm down, look around, make a call. 09:01.809 --> 09:05.714 [SPEAKER_01]: And I think that's something that you can say to yourself, the hardest place to do it is definitely at home. 09:05.814 --> 09:10.980 [SPEAKER_01]: Because, I mean, you're so emotionally connected with your family, right, your wife, your kids. 09:11.801 --> 09:14.604 [SPEAKER_01]: The people that get under my skin more than anything, are my siblings. 09:14.905 --> 09:17.328 [SPEAKER_01]: My, I am very close with my sisters. 09:17.348 --> 09:19.170 [SPEAKER_01]: I have three sisters and a brother. 09:19.150 --> 09:49.090 [SPEAKER_01]: they can make a comment and get under my skin faster than anybody else in the universe and it's it's embarrassing I still let that happen sometimes I'm like hey let me just relax calm down let you know de-escalate the situation but so going into the situation I think the closer we are emotionally with people that we love and care about the easier it is for them to get under a skin I think it's all the more important to maintain those relationships to practice not losing your 09:49.137 --> 09:55.383 [SPEAKER_00]: You just mentioned something that we say to leaders all the time, which is chaos, breeds chaos, and calm brings, breeds calm. 09:55.443 --> 10:03.992 [SPEAKER_00]: And when we, as leaders, are detached from our emotions, we're more capable of making better decisions, but we also impact the people around us to make better decisions. 10:04.713 --> 10:06.935 [SPEAKER_00]: And our calm can breed calm in them. 10:07.315 --> 10:14.723 [SPEAKER_00]: And I remember there was an instance before I was here at Ashlan front where I had lost my oldest son in an office building. 10:14.703 --> 10:18.847 [SPEAKER_00]: And if you lose a child, that's a nerve-wracking stressful situation. 10:19.448 --> 10:30.599 [SPEAKER_00]: And it was only momentary, but we had this moment of everyone who was trying to find my son was yelling for him, the street, you know, calling for him, trying to find him, and we weren't getting any response. 10:30.619 --> 10:38.888 [SPEAKER_00]: And after a couple of minutes goes by and your mind starts racing of, okay, what happened in the situation, I realized that maybe we are approaching this from the wrong angle. 10:38.908 --> 10:41.250 [SPEAKER_00]: And instead, I started just to... 10:41.230 --> 10:43.413 [SPEAKER_00]: calmly call out his name, Hainiko. 10:43.433 --> 10:45.536 [SPEAKER_00]: If you're in here, you know, let mom know. 10:45.676 --> 10:47.118 [SPEAKER_00]: I'm right here, like you're not in trouble. 10:47.519 --> 10:54.169 [SPEAKER_00]: And what I realized is that are just that even just the volume rays of calling for him, created a sense of friction for him. 10:54.669 --> 10:55.971 [SPEAKER_00]: He was like, oh, man, I'm in trouble. 10:55.991 --> 10:56.953 [SPEAKER_00]: Mom's yelling at me. 10:57.333 --> 10:59.436 [SPEAKER_00]: And it wasn't even yelling because I was angry. 10:59.476 --> 11:01.980 [SPEAKER_00]: It was a yelling from a place of trying to find him. 11:02.420 --> 11:05.685 [SPEAKER_00]: And in that moment, the best thing I could do was to detach for a moment. 11:05.665 --> 11:26.863 [SPEAKER_00]: settle my emotions and calmly call for him which created a sense of calm for him and turns out he was hiding under a dust the whole time and we found him but my point is is we have opportunities like that every day in our business and at home to set the example of what that looks like when we're calm in those stressful situations we breed another people that sense of calmness 11:27.147 --> 11:31.371 [SPEAKER_02]: and you really do need to practice detachment. 11:31.691 --> 11:33.232 [SPEAKER_02]: And detachment is what we're talking about. 11:33.273 --> 11:34.774 [SPEAKER_02]: It's detaching from your emotions. 11:35.114 --> 11:39.058 [SPEAKER_02]: And need to practice it, and you need to practice it with everything that happens all day long. 11:39.658 --> 11:42.140 [SPEAKER_02]: If you burn your toast, you can't get mad. 11:42.581 --> 11:45.223 [SPEAKER_02]: If your kids burn your toast, you can't get mad. 11:45.624 --> 11:48.166 [SPEAKER_02]: If you forgot to take out the garbage, you can't get mad. 11:48.466 --> 11:50.888 [SPEAKER_02]: If someone cuts you off in traffic, you can't get mad. 11:51.209 --> 11:57.154 [SPEAKER_02]: Like you have to do this all the time. 11:57.134 --> 12:08.553 [SPEAKER_02]: When Jamie comes in yelling and screaming at me that I'm going to be able to switch on detachment at that time when I already got mad about the garbage got mad about the toast and got mad about getting caught off and traffic It's it's not going to work. 12:08.954 --> 12:16.527 [SPEAKER_02]: This is something that you have to practice and you have to practice it regularly and the people are always going to ask okay Well, how do you actually do it? 12:16.844 --> 12:27.762 [SPEAKER_02]: And the first thing, which lay far, he pointed out, the first thing that you have to do, which is the most important critical part, is you have to understand what we call the red flags are. 12:27.782 --> 12:33.030 [SPEAKER_02]: These are indications and warnings that you are losing your temper. 12:33.213 --> 12:35.498 [SPEAKER_02]: or you're losing control of your emotions in some way. 12:35.859 --> 12:37.522 [SPEAKER_02]: So what are those for you? 12:37.642 --> 12:38.785 [SPEAKER_02]: Everyone's a little bit different. 12:39.346 --> 12:42.192 [SPEAKER_02]: You know, life, his face flushes red. 12:42.252 --> 12:43.775 [SPEAKER_02]: He gets a scow on his face. 12:43.996 --> 12:44.897 [SPEAKER_02]: Look, oh, there it goes. 12:45.639 --> 12:46.561 [SPEAKER_02]: We got to sense that. 12:47.022 --> 12:48.164 [SPEAKER_02]: You maybe you clinch your fist. 12:48.244 --> 12:49.467 [SPEAKER_02]: Maybe you grit your teeth. 12:49.447 --> 12:54.696 [SPEAKER_02]: Maybe you start to take some big inhalations because you're starting to feel frustrated. 12:54.756 --> 13:00.586 [SPEAKER_02]: Maybe you scow your face like my face is almost always permanently scowled, but that some people do that. 13:00.867 --> 13:04.333 [SPEAKER_02]: So you've got to learn to recognize those things. 13:04.938 --> 13:07.101 [SPEAKER_02]: just before or as they're happening. 13:07.541 --> 13:09.744 [SPEAKER_02]: Once they've happened, it's usually too late. 13:09.804 --> 13:11.106 [SPEAKER_02]: And it's hard to reel it back in. 13:11.426 --> 13:14.029 [SPEAKER_02]: But you've got to go, oh, oh, I see what's going on. 13:14.350 --> 13:16.452 [SPEAKER_02]: This is my temper starting to show up. 13:16.893 --> 13:25.984 [SPEAKER_02]: The other thing that's important is preemptively thinking about the scenario that you're going into and is it a scenario that generally speaking causes you to get a little bit emotional? 13:25.964 --> 13:35.441 [SPEAKER_02]: So if I got to go deal with Jamie and she's been on my case for the past two weeks and she's been pounding me about this thing and I'm walking into that meeting and I'm already frustrated. 13:35.461 --> 13:40.330 [SPEAKER_02]: I got oh, I already need to detach prior to even walking in there. 13:40.771 --> 13:44.057 [SPEAKER_02]: If something happens with the kids, the report card, you get the 13:44.037 --> 13:48.429 [SPEAKER_02]: report card in the email and you're going in to talk to that kid and you already know your frustrated. 13:48.669 --> 13:50.615 [SPEAKER_02]: You already know you're at risk of losing your temper. 13:50.975 --> 13:56.671 [SPEAKER_02]: You need to pre-calculate and preemptively get control before you go into that situation. 13:57.032 --> 14:00.561 [SPEAKER_02]: So these indications and warnings that we get the red flags, that's the most 14:00.541 --> 14:02.944 [SPEAKER_02]: important thing that you need to learn and start practicing. 14:03.265 --> 14:14.100 [SPEAKER_02]: And again, you start practicing them on a daily basis with little things, with burning the toast, with forgetting to take out the garbage, with the kid talking back to you, like those little things is how we started. 14:14.581 --> 14:15.782 [SPEAKER_02]: And that's how we practice it. 14:16.123 --> 14:19.107 [SPEAKER_02]: And then you'll be ready when the big moment comes. 14:19.087 --> 14:21.853 [SPEAKER_02]: The second part is, what is the actual protocol that you're going to use? 14:22.153 --> 14:22.354 [SPEAKER_02]: Right? 14:22.694 --> 14:25.801 [SPEAKER_02]: What do you have to do to get yourself to calm down? 14:26.482 --> 14:31.572 [SPEAKER_02]: For me, what I'm going to do is I'm going to take a step back, literally take a step back in that situation. 14:32.134 --> 14:37.264 [SPEAKER_02]: You know, if I'm talking to Jamie and I'm starting to feel some, some a little bit of emotion started to get a little bit flared up. 14:38.172 --> 14:41.136 [SPEAKER_02]: My take a step back, literally, I'm gonna, 18 inches back. 14:41.596 --> 14:43.258 [SPEAKER_02]: I'm gonna broaden my feel of view. 14:43.338 --> 14:44.440 [SPEAKER_02]: This is what we talked about. 14:44.500 --> 14:49.786 [SPEAKER_02]: I talked about this with Andrew Huberman when you broaden, when human beings broaden their field of view, they calm down. 14:50.126 --> 14:56.915 [SPEAKER_02]: That's why it feels relaxing to look out at the ocean horizon or it feels comforting to watch the sunset or it feels comforting to watch the sunrise. 14:57.355 --> 15:02.642 [SPEAKER_02]: Those are broad fields of view where you can see all possible threats and there aren't any of them. 15:02.722 --> 15:05.445 [SPEAKER_02]: And that as an animal human being, 15:05.425 --> 15:06.206 [SPEAKER_02]: relaxes you. 15:06.607 --> 15:10.013 [SPEAKER_02]: So that's the first thing we do, take a step back, look around, broaden our field of view. 15:10.354 --> 15:13.058 [SPEAKER_02]: The next thing we want to do is take some nice breaths. 15:14.040 --> 15:19.369 [SPEAKER_02]: Again, when we're in a active mode, in an attack mode, we take shorter breaths. 15:19.630 --> 15:21.633 [SPEAKER_02]: That's trying to fill our system up with oxygen. 15:21.653 --> 15:23.457 [SPEAKER_02]: We're going to breathe harder because there's a threat. 15:24.478 --> 15:26.522 [SPEAKER_02]: So we're going to reverse that. 15:26.688 --> 15:40.533 [SPEAKER_02]: We're going to reverse that physiology and we're going to slow our breathing down, take a big breath where I learn this in the seal teams is when we come up on the radio in a leadership position, you do not want to sound panicked or emotional. 15:40.793 --> 15:43.979 [SPEAKER_02]: You don't want to get on the radio and say, everyone get to building 34 now. 15:44.019 --> 15:45.121 [SPEAKER_02]: You don't want to sound like that. 15:45.442 --> 15:51.092 [SPEAKER_02]: Not only is it going to make everyone else panic, it's also going to make everyone make fun of you when you get back because you sounded like a baby. 15:51.629 --> 15:55.614 [SPEAKER_02]: going back to the idea that babies are emotional and adults aren't. 15:55.915 --> 16:06.329 [SPEAKER_02]: So when you get emotional on the radio, everyone's going to make fun of you for sounding like a baby and, by the way, in real terms, you're going to make everyone else get more elevated and have overreactions to what's happening. 16:06.629 --> 16:11.496 [SPEAKER_02]: So instead, I always took a nice breath before I got on the radio. 16:12.477 --> 16:16.202 [SPEAKER_02]: And I'd say, hey, I need everyone to move to building 34 now. 16:16.655 --> 16:19.317 [SPEAKER_02]: Okay, no one's gonna make fun of me and everyone's gonna calm down when they hear me say that. 16:19.978 --> 16:21.779 [SPEAKER_02]: So that's part two. 16:22.640 --> 16:29.386 [SPEAKER_02]: Part three is maybe have some kind of a mantra that you're gonna use to get yourself to calm down. 16:30.046 --> 16:34.930 [SPEAKER_02]: Maybe when you start feeling that temper flare up, you're gonna tell yourself, I'm calm, cool, and collected. 16:34.991 --> 16:36.151 [SPEAKER_02]: I'm calm, cool, and collected. 16:36.572 --> 16:39.775 [SPEAKER_02]: Maybe you're gonna say like life said, relax, look around and make a call. 16:39.875 --> 16:41.656 [SPEAKER_02]: That's a perfect little mantra. 16:41.736 --> 16:46.240 [SPEAKER_02]: Oh, I start feeling emotions get hot, I start feeling elevated, you know what? 16:46.895 --> 16:55.871 [SPEAKER_02]: relax look around and make a call, have yourself a little mantra that you, that you can say in your head, maybe even out loud, to get yourself to calm down. 16:56.091 --> 16:58.936 [SPEAKER_02]: And those are some ways to get your emotions in check. 16:58.956 --> 17:04.466 [SPEAKER_02]: We know, for a fact, we're not going to make good decisions when we're emotional, which is not going to happen. 17:04.746 --> 17:06.068 [SPEAKER_02]: So we have to get control of them. 17:06.329 --> 17:09.274 [SPEAKER_02]: We have to calm down and those are some protocols to make that happen. 17:09.541 --> 17:13.567 [SPEAKER_00]: If you do that, it's amazing how much better your life is. 17:13.888 --> 17:19.817 [SPEAKER_00]: We all know those people that are just constantly miserable, constantly emotional, constantly negative. 17:20.939 --> 17:27.990 [SPEAKER_00]: What detachment gives me is a much better opportunity to control the outcome and make better decisions for myself and the people around me. 17:28.350 --> 17:29.652 [SPEAKER_00]: And it's just a better way to live. 17:29.692 --> 17:37.084 [SPEAKER_00]: If I don't let the emotion of that moment dictate the outcome of how I'm going to now move forward and solve that problem. 17:37.958 --> 17:44.468 [SPEAKER_01]: We're talking about, you don't make good decisions when you get emotional, but you actually can be absolutely catastrophic, right? 17:44.488 --> 17:53.101 [SPEAKER_01]: I mean, you see these videos of people that they post on social media, where some road rage incident, where someone bailes out of their car and starts smashing windows in. 17:53.141 --> 17:58.790 [SPEAKER_01]: And if you live in a state like I do, it taxes where people are armed, you might get yourself killed doing something like that. 17:58.830 --> 17:59.531 [SPEAKER_01]: And for what? 17:59.832 --> 18:00.593 [SPEAKER_01]: What is the goal? 18:01.174 --> 18:06.582 [SPEAKER_01]: I think when you lose control of your emotion, you get further away from what you're actually trying to do. 18:06.562 --> 18:29.211 [SPEAKER_01]: If, I mean, you see people at the airport, I mean, it's a classic example, people are frustrated, people are tired, people are ready to get home, and if there's a flight delay, you'll see, there's almost every time, right, someone will just lose it on the, on the, on the gate agent who's has no control over the aircraft and whether or not they're there or whether they're ready, but it's just doing the best that she or he can. 18:29.191 --> 18:36.443 [SPEAKER_01]: in a situation and it doesn't, does that make the gate agent want to help you and get you on a new aircraft? 18:36.483 --> 18:41.151 [SPEAKER_01]: It actually gets you further away from the goal that you're trying to achieve and it's the same thing in any scenario. 18:41.632 --> 18:51.047 [SPEAKER_01]: If you and I are working together and we're disagreeing about something and I get mad at you and insult you or lose my cool, 18:51.027 --> 18:55.057 [SPEAKER_01]: Um, and get frustrated and start yelling at you, does that improve our relationship? 18:55.378 --> 19:01.614 [SPEAKER_01]: Does that enable you to want to go with my plan or give me the support that I think I need in order to be successful? 19:01.855 --> 19:04.201 [SPEAKER_01]: It actually takes me so much further away from that. 19:04.301 --> 19:07.770 [SPEAKER_01]: So it is just a strategic loser all day long. 19:08.560 --> 19:14.270 [SPEAKER_02]: Uh, it's embarrassing, you know, as far as I'm concerned, and it's just like you said someone yelling at a gate agent. 19:14.330 --> 19:21.502 [SPEAKER_02]: That is the equivalent of a baby or a toddler throwing a temper tantrum in the grocery store and ever goes, what a little brad of a kid. 19:21.743 --> 19:26.050 [SPEAKER_02]: And here's a grown human being yelling at a gate agent at the airport. 19:26.190 --> 19:27.012 [SPEAKER_02]: It's an embarrassment. 19:27.112 --> 19:28.073 [SPEAKER_02]: You should not do it. 19:28.214 --> 19:29.556 [SPEAKER_02]: It's a sign of weakness. 19:29.536 --> 19:56.995 [SPEAKER_02]: and just to expand on this a little bit more we were talking to Ethan Bernard earlier today who's a friend of ours who's on this incredible weight loss journey and he came to the master and he was talking about some of the lessons that he learned from the master and one of the lessons that he learned was detachment and I'm thinking myself you know we asked him what to take away is where he said well I learned detachment and I asked him how that applied to his world and I'm thinking oh is he you know get frustrated with his parents is he and he he said something and I haven't really thought about before 19:58.021 --> 20:05.365 [SPEAKER_02]: He is an emotional eater, and he said, I am in the position I'm in, he's overweight. 20:06.323 --> 20:15.860 [SPEAKER_02]: I'm in the position I'm in because of my emotions, because he would get emotional, and he would make bad decisions on eating when he was emotional. 20:16.602 --> 20:28.483 [SPEAKER_02]: And so going to the master and learning and understanding that emotions were making him make bad decisions, he decided I'm going to apply detachment when I get emotional. 20:28.463 --> 20:38.293 [SPEAKER_02]: And instead of making the decision to jump into a bowl of cheetos or a donut or something like that, he wasn't going to make that emotional decision, he was going to make a smart decision. 20:38.713 --> 20:53.228 [SPEAKER_02]: And so even on a personal level with what you do as a person, your individual behaviors and the discipline around your individual behaviors can be dictated either in a positive way or in a negative way by emotions. 20:53.588 --> 20:57.272 [SPEAKER_02]: So even as an individual human being, you don't have to interact with anybody else. 20:57.438 --> 21:18.856 [SPEAKER_02]: the emotions that you have can damage your decision-making process, not as a team leader, not as a CEO, not as a vice president of operations, not in any position like that, but you as an individual human being can make decisions that can put you in a bad spot because of your emotions. 21:19.237 --> 21:23.500 [SPEAKER_02]: So that is why we teach and we practice detachment. 21:23.520 --> 21:26.803 [SPEAKER_01]: Yeah, and that's why it's important in your life as well. 21:26.783 --> 21:29.827 [SPEAKER_01]: And I wish that I could say that I never lost my cool. 21:29.867 --> 21:38.717 [SPEAKER_01]: I mean, Jaco, you and I've worked together for over 20 years now, and there's not even a single time that I could remember you yelling at me over some. 21:38.737 --> 21:44.744 [SPEAKER_01]: But even though I probably gave you thousands of opportunities to to want to do that, or that would have even justified that. 21:44.804 --> 21:47.507 [SPEAKER_01]: But, but you haven't done that because that's not what good leaders do. 21:47.948 --> 21:53.354 [SPEAKER_01]: I wish I could say that I never yelled at my guys in Charna, but too, or I never lost my cool with my kids in home. 21:53.855 --> 21:54.816 [SPEAKER_01]: I can't say that. 21:54.796 --> 21:59.642 [SPEAKER_01]: I can't say that it happens from time to time, but it's all, this is the power of extreme ownership. 21:59.662 --> 22:14.061 [SPEAKER_01]: If it does happen and you find yourself losing your cool at the gate with a gate agent because of your flight delay, then just take a breath, take ownership of that, apologize, I'm sorry, I'm a little fresher right now, I don't mean to take it, I don't know you. 22:14.081 --> 22:16.284 [SPEAKER_01]: And this is the power of extreme ownership. 22:16.304 --> 22:20.770 [SPEAKER_01]: You can screw up, I'm certainly not perfect, most of us are not. 22:20.750 --> 22:30.200 [SPEAKER_01]: I'm certainly not perfect, none of us are, but if you lose your cool, oh, you have to do a safe ownership of it, and talk about what you're gonna do to prevent that from happening again. 22:30.260 --> 22:37.748 [SPEAKER_01]: And this is, implement those protocols, relax, look around, make a call, whatever those monitors are, you can tell yourself, and you can get better at it. 22:37.868 --> 22:44.175 [SPEAKER_01]: And I'm living proof, because I used to lose my cool a lot easier than I do now. 22:44.155 --> 22:53.224 [SPEAKER_01]: can't say that it never happens and I'm not perfect, but when I do, when it does happen, I take ownership of it and I work to get better as a result. 22:53.484 --> 23:01.392 [SPEAKER_02]: Yeah, it's a serious red flag and it's a little late when you're looking at a gate agent that has just been yelled at for four minutes. 23:01.692 --> 23:10.281 [SPEAKER_02]: That's not the red flag we want, but if you get there and you just got done yelling at someone and acting like an idiot, and acting like a child, 23:10.261 --> 23:21.259 [SPEAKER_02]: Then take ownership of it and apologize and that reminds me of I think what you could use for a pretty good mantra And it comes from the interwebs and that is Sir, this is a Wendy's right. 23:21.379 --> 23:28.050 [SPEAKER_02]: Have you ever seen that like someone goes yells and crazy and goes screaming and it's like they've responses Sir, this is a Wendy's 23:29.060 --> 23:36.714 [SPEAKER_02]: Would you like to order something because that's the reality right you're losing you're acting like a baby where I'm this is I have no control. 23:36.754 --> 23:38.578 [SPEAKER_02]: Do you want to see it on the next plane or not? 23:39.039 --> 23:42.545 [SPEAKER_02]: So keep that in mind if you make that mistake take ownership of it. 23:43.287 --> 23:46.613 [SPEAKER_00]: What I want to know is what I'm doing wrong because he yells at me all the time. 23:47.470 --> 24:01.945 [SPEAKER_00]: getting no listen this is why we talk about detachment as a super power because it applies in every situation in combat in business at home with our families and certainly in our personal lives and that is what the immediate action drill is about to speak. 24:02.185 --> 24:13.056 [SPEAKER_00]: The next time you find yourself in a stressful moment, a stressful environment, take a moment to detach, slow your breathing, look around and make a call. 24:14.335 --> 24:16.261 [SPEAKER_01]: Recognize those red flags in yourself. 24:16.802 --> 24:25.448 [SPEAKER_01]: When you're feeling your face getting flushed or you're clenching your face or they're hair on the back of your next standing up or your breath start to increase and your heart rate start to increase. 24:26.250 --> 24:28.176 [SPEAKER_01]: Recognize those red flags. 24:28.392 --> 24:39.048 [SPEAKER_01]: force yourself to calm down, take that breath, relax, so that you can detach, look around, and then move the direction that you need to in order to be successful in what you're trying to do. 24:39.348 --> 24:40.950 [SPEAKER_01]: Practice that at every opportunity. 24:41.491 --> 24:45.697 [SPEAKER_01]: If you screw it up, take ownership of it, implement solutions to fix it going forward. 24:45.717 --> 24:51.025 [SPEAKER_01]: But if you do these things, you will be able to much more effectively lead and win.