WEBVTT 00:00.790 --> 00:02.934 [SPEAKER_00]: Hi everyone, welcome back to room for us. 00:03.335 --> 00:04.917 [SPEAKER_00]: A space where queer voices thrive. 00:05.458 --> 00:07.081 [SPEAKER_00]: I'm your host P and every single week. 00:07.141 --> 00:11.790 [SPEAKER_00]: I like to sit down, get vulnerable, and talk about all things queer with all of you. 00:11.830 --> 00:18.562 [SPEAKER_00]: First off, I just want to jump on and say, I'm so sorry if my voice sounds a little stuffy or a little horse. 00:19.163 --> 00:21.467 [SPEAKER_00]: I think I'm finally coming down with a little cold. 00:21.487 --> 00:24.452 [SPEAKER_00]: It's not too bad, but it's just the weather here has been 00:24.432 --> 00:39.731 [SPEAKER_00]: So Rainy, and I went on the longest walk yesterday to just get my steps in and In Vancouver when you're trying to get into the downtown from Kitsilano You have to cross the broad bridge, which is beautiful for biking for running. 00:39.791 --> 00:51.486 [SPEAKER_00]: It's it's really nice But yesterday it was just so windy and raining that as I was walking across this bridge It felt so long and I felt like I was gonna blow away myself 00:51.466 --> 00:57.256 [SPEAKER_00]: Like, even trying to hold my umbrella was intense, and I don't know, I'm not feeling the best right now. 00:57.296 --> 01:03.005 [SPEAKER_00]: But I really wanted to, you know, just get cozy and record a podcast episode for all of you. 01:03.145 --> 01:05.229 [SPEAKER_00]: And I'm excited about this topic. 01:05.389 --> 01:15.786 [SPEAKER_00]: I feel like I have a lot to say about it because I've been learning so much about it within myself and within my own romantic partnership with Crystal. 01:15.766 --> 01:40.677 [SPEAKER_00]: I want to hear from all of you too, and how you feel about your relationship or developing healthy relationships, even if you're not in a relationship right now in your single, like, what are the things you are looking to manifest for your next relationship with partners, or multiple partners, if you're monogamous, poly, I just want to have a really open conversation about what healthy relationships can look like. 01:40.657 --> 01:46.224 [SPEAKER_00]: in queer relationships and how to avoid toxicity. 01:46.704 --> 01:47.866 [SPEAKER_00]: And I want to be clear too. 01:47.886 --> 01:51.029 [SPEAKER_00]: This doesn't just apply to queer relationships of course. 01:51.310 --> 01:53.272 [SPEAKER_00]: This can apply to any kind of relationship. 01:53.312 --> 01:59.940 [SPEAKER_00]: But because this is a queer podcast, I'm going to be speaking from my perspective specifically and my experience. 01:59.960 --> 02:01.902 [SPEAKER_00]: And what does it really look like? 02:02.003 --> 02:05.367 [SPEAKER_00]: How can we strive to be in healthy relationships? 02:05.447 --> 02:09.972 [SPEAKER_00]: Because I've 02:09.952 --> 02:11.074 [SPEAKER_00]: something to your life. 02:11.274 --> 02:16.060 [SPEAKER_00]: It shouldn't be everything, like the person or people you're with should not be. 02:16.080 --> 02:21.067 [SPEAKER_00]: The center of your universe, you should be someone who has autonomy, you're an individual. 02:21.107 --> 02:27.757 [SPEAKER_00]: Being an aromatic partnership won't fix any things that you've been going through, any insecurities, any deported issues that you have. 02:27.917 --> 02:32.483 [SPEAKER_00]: Your relationship should almost act as like 02:32.463 --> 02:41.930 [SPEAKER_00]: And we're going to get into all of it because I feel like over the past three years and since I've been with my partner, we have grown so much. 02:42.210 --> 02:47.485 [SPEAKER_00]: I feel so close to her and in a way that's not like, um, 02:47.465 --> 03:09.591 [SPEAKER_00]: a dependency and we'll get into this because I feel like I used to have a lot of anxious attachment, even when I was single, which I didn't really realize I think I had, but as I talked about it to my therapist a few years ago, we kind of determined I was skewing more anxious, and I was definitely bringing in some of those anxieties into my current relationship, but 03:09.571 --> 03:15.037 [SPEAKER_00]: through proper communication, through work, you can get to a place where you both just feel calm. 03:15.377 --> 03:19.222 [SPEAKER_00]: You're calm for each other's nervous system, and that is the best feeling ever. 03:19.282 --> 03:24.067 [SPEAKER_00]: Honestly, and I want to give a shout out to Eden and Jay. 03:24.087 --> 03:26.610 [SPEAKER_00]: I love their content. 03:26.690 --> 03:29.032 [SPEAKER_00]: And I love Eden and Jay as people. 03:29.093 --> 03:30.534 [SPEAKER_00]: Eden and Jay, Chavino. 03:30.574 --> 03:34.398 [SPEAKER_00]: So, Kristalline, I actually met them in 2023. 03:34.559 --> 03:36.120 [SPEAKER_00]: I want to say it was. 03:36.160 --> 03:37.722 [SPEAKER_00]: So almost three years ago, 03:37.702 --> 03:41.188 [SPEAKER_00]: It would have been towards the end of 2023 when they were in Canada. 03:41.228 --> 03:42.911 [SPEAKER_00]: They were in Toronto for a little bit. 03:43.152 --> 03:46.578 [SPEAKER_00]: I had Eden and Jay on the podcast like a month or two prior to that. 03:46.758 --> 03:47.479 [SPEAKER_00]: And they're incredible. 03:47.980 --> 03:52.388 [SPEAKER_00]: You can follow their page at Eden XJ and they are a couple. 03:52.549 --> 03:59.541 [SPEAKER_00]: They're married couple and they are all about showcasing what healthy love can look like in a women-loving women. 03:59.521 --> 04:14.334 [SPEAKER_00]: Relationship sometimes you're so used to seeing all this toxicity or like getting skewed these these wrong messages You know what I mean like seeing things that someone might be showcasing his love But really you're like the scenes a little toxic So I really loved their page. 04:14.434 --> 04:28.667 [SPEAKER_00]: I was so happy to have them on the podcast a few years ago and they post it something Basically saying it was a real what does a healthy relationship look like read the caption and I looked at it And I was like this is a really good 04:28.647 --> 04:39.441 [SPEAKER_00]: and important take to have a healthy relationship does not mean zero conflict, and it does not mean constant butterflies. 04:39.581 --> 04:41.023 [SPEAKER_00]: It's not perfection. 04:41.043 --> 04:48.432 [SPEAKER_00]: I mean, you might think that and I feel like early into dating crystal, I used to have this thing with perfectionism. 04:48.492 --> 04:55.701 [SPEAKER_00]: Like I remember if something felt off or communication was off, it would kind of cause me to spiral, and I was like, 04:55.681 --> 05:02.111 [SPEAKER_00]: really wanting to communicate things quickly as the more anxious side of the relationship. 05:02.251 --> 05:05.336 [SPEAKER_00]: And Crystal, she doesn't lean so much anxious. 05:05.517 --> 05:06.759 [SPEAKER_00]: She's a little bit more avoiding. 05:06.819 --> 05:09.303 [SPEAKER_00]: She would shut down whereas I was like the over communicator. 05:09.323 --> 05:12.728 [SPEAKER_00]: So I want to remind you guys that 05:12.708 --> 05:21.445 [SPEAKER_00]: a healthy relationship actually doesn't mean those constant butterflies and I feel like we've been told that your relationship should be having that constantly. 05:21.485 --> 05:23.068 [SPEAKER_00]: That's not realistic. 05:23.269 --> 05:30.463 [SPEAKER_00]: I think especially as you continue to develop more in your relationship and you're becoming 05:30.443 --> 05:32.627 [SPEAKER_00]: more solid, you're building a foundation. 05:32.668 --> 05:36.676 [SPEAKER_00]: It's not natural to always have those feelings of butterflies. 05:36.976 --> 05:48.220 [SPEAKER_00]: I definitely have feelings of excitement, especially when I get to see crystal after we both had a really long day, or we have date nights planned, or, you know, we have these little routines that I really look forward to. 05:48.240 --> 05:49.903 [SPEAKER_00]: But, 05:49.883 --> 05:56.574 [SPEAKER_00]: It's different than like those first few months of when you're feeling constant butterflies. 05:56.994 --> 06:00.380 [SPEAKER_00]: It's very normal to feel that, of course, when you're entering something new. 06:00.961 --> 06:06.289 [SPEAKER_00]: But I feel like I remember reading something that butterflies are actually like, 06:06.269 --> 06:08.773 [SPEAKER_00]: it's actually anxiety is what it is. 06:09.273 --> 06:13.659 [SPEAKER_00]: When you're feeling those constant butterflies in your stomach, I don't know if that's a good thing. 06:13.700 --> 06:21.931 [SPEAKER_00]: If I had those like throughout our whole relationship, even till now, and that would not be good because I remember those feelings of butterflies I would have. 06:22.252 --> 06:23.974 [SPEAKER_00]: It would make me feel worried. 06:23.954 --> 06:31.850 [SPEAKER_00]: I think the best way I could describe that is like while it was exciting I always felt like when is the shoe going to drop like this is too good to be true. 06:31.910 --> 06:41.710 [SPEAKER_00]: It's a little it's nerve wracking right and I think a lot of people feel out of course when you're meeting someone new and you're learning all these new things about them you're so excited. 06:41.690 --> 06:51.314 [SPEAKER_00]: That, yes, is normal, but I'm saying over time, it's normal if you're like not having those butterflies because you feel comfort. 06:51.955 --> 06:59.614 [SPEAKER_00]: Now, I don't want to get anyone mistaken and say like you're not going to feel those exciting romantic feelings, like yes. 06:59.594 --> 07:01.877 [SPEAKER_00]: You know, that is why she is my partner. 07:01.937 --> 07:04.940 [SPEAKER_00]: She's someone who I love to do romantic things with. 07:05.000 --> 07:08.324 [SPEAKER_00]: And it's really important to keep that alive in your relationship. 07:08.884 --> 07:14.631 [SPEAKER_00]: Because you can get into a very, um, I don't want to say like the word monotonous. 07:14.891 --> 07:19.276 [SPEAKER_00]: But it happens, I guess, because, you know, we both have these full-time jobs. 07:19.937 --> 07:22.159 [SPEAKER_00]: We both have schedules during the week. 07:22.139 --> 07:28.692 [SPEAKER_00]: And yeah, it can get kind of mundane, but one thing Cristal and I always try to do is like never forget to date each other. 07:28.732 --> 07:38.371 [SPEAKER_00]: So while it might not always be those constant butterflies, we get these like feelings of excitement for date night or like, you know, we have a trip coming up soon. 07:38.431 --> 07:42.880 [SPEAKER_00]: We're so excited and looking forward to making new memories together, building that. 07:42.940 --> 07:43.742 [SPEAKER_00]: So, 07:43.722 --> 07:59.149 [SPEAKER_00]: your life together isn't just, you know, working our nine to five and putting a movie on before bed, we even like to romanticize things by like cooking a really nice dinner together, playing some music and instead of just watching a movie, we have conversations with each other. 07:59.189 --> 08:05.140 [SPEAKER_00]: Like after the end of the day, it's like, let's talk, let's talk about our days and 08:05.120 --> 08:09.505 [SPEAKER_00]: Even if it's like nothing much happened, like we always end up going a little bit deeper. 08:09.525 --> 08:13.490 [SPEAKER_00]: I always laugh because in my relationship, we love to talk. 08:13.751 --> 08:14.812 [SPEAKER_00]: We talk a lot. 08:14.872 --> 08:22.522 [SPEAKER_00]: And sometimes go on these tangents together, but I appreciate that because it can kind of help you see new perspectives. 08:22.542 --> 08:28.389 [SPEAKER_00]: You can talk about different topics, you're learning something new, and we're also planning for a lot of things in the future. 08:28.449 --> 08:32.494 [SPEAKER_00]: So yeah, when it comes to that, 08:32.474 --> 08:34.938 [SPEAKER_00]: even if your relationship doesn't have constant butterflies. 08:36.019 --> 08:40.786 [SPEAKER_00]: Like a healthy relationship still feels like you are leaning into the romance with each other. 08:40.806 --> 08:42.969 [SPEAKER_00]: So don't feel fearful. 08:43.410 --> 08:48.898 [SPEAKER_00]: If maybe you're like, I don't feel those same like constant butterflies I used to feel in the beginning. 08:49.298 --> 08:53.865 [SPEAKER_00]: Yeah, that's normal because remember those feelings were probably more so anxiety. 08:54.445 --> 08:59.713 [SPEAKER_00]: What you would hope for in a healthy relationship is that you've built 08:59.693 --> 09:05.240 [SPEAKER_00]: It's now something that makes you feel relaxed because you know you have that bond together. 09:05.260 --> 09:09.145 [SPEAKER_00]: You have that trust and you don't feel like it's going to slip away. 09:09.185 --> 09:20.959 [SPEAKER_00]: And I know like I might just be speaking from personal experience, but when I was growing up and I came out as bisexual at first and then I eventually came out as a lesbian because I was like, okay, purse, let's be real. 09:20.939 --> 09:25.144 [SPEAKER_00]: you do not feel anything for these men that are around you or who you're dating. 09:25.804 --> 09:43.544 [SPEAKER_00]: I remember feeling so excited to finally just date women and only date women, because it felt like such a weight off my shoulders to be like, yes, I'm a lesbian, but I had kind of been in some relationships that were more situationships to preface. 09:43.584 --> 09:44.846 [SPEAKER_00]: They weren't long lasting. 09:44.926 --> 09:49.731 [SPEAKER_00]: They were very, very short-term, 09:49.711 --> 09:54.817 [SPEAKER_00]: kind of experiences and that was all I really knew until I started dating crystal. 09:55.157 --> 10:01.345 [SPEAKER_00]: So it's not to say because of those experiences that gave me anxiety in the beginning of my relationship with crystal. 10:01.385 --> 10:02.166 [SPEAKER_00]: It's not all that. 10:02.666 --> 10:11.356 [SPEAKER_00]: I think naturally I have this anxious attachment and it was just not something I was used to in terms of having like stability. 10:11.436 --> 10:16.242 [SPEAKER_00]: So when I first started dating crystal, 10:16.222 --> 10:19.747 [SPEAKER_00]: Yes, all of this is so good, but when is the sugar drop? 10:19.767 --> 10:21.709 [SPEAKER_00]: Because that is what I was used to in a lot of things. 10:22.430 --> 10:29.059 [SPEAKER_00]: I would have some girls in my life like promising me a lot of things or wanting certain things, but they weren't ready. 10:29.580 --> 10:33.625 [SPEAKER_00]: And I also was a very active part in that relationship too, right? 10:33.645 --> 10:38.131 [SPEAKER_00]: Like I also wouldn't set many boundaries. 10:38.271 --> 10:39.833 [SPEAKER_00]: I was kind of just like, 10:39.813 --> 10:42.679 [SPEAKER_00]: going with the flow because that's what I wanted and that's all okay. 10:43.120 --> 10:50.315 [SPEAKER_00]: But I do think when it led me to something more serious and led me to someone who was very serious about me. 10:50.876 --> 10:57.670 [SPEAKER_00]: I was like, oh my gosh, okay, well, I'm not used to this and it was the best feeling ever. 10:57.650 --> 11:03.140 [SPEAKER_00]: It still is the best feeling ever, but I was, well, the anxiety was very, very real. 11:03.681 --> 11:17.667 [SPEAKER_00]: So, I think coming from that and not being used to it, I think like the first year of my relationship with Crystal was so beautiful, but I think we have grown so much even since then that it's becoming like an even deeper 11:17.647 --> 11:20.712 [SPEAKER_00]: Deeper bond and each year we spent together. 11:20.752 --> 11:22.574 [SPEAKER_00]: We're learning more things about each other. 11:22.634 --> 11:29.765 [SPEAKER_00]: She's learned so much about my OCD that I definitely realized I may have. 11:30.025 --> 11:33.671 [SPEAKER_00]: And may have had honestly since I was even a kid that I just didn't recognize. 11:33.831 --> 11:38.338 [SPEAKER_00]: And it's just incredible to keep learning these things about each other and being open with each other. 11:38.358 --> 11:42.624 [SPEAKER_00]: And not feeling like there's anything too ugly to hide. 11:43.085 --> 11:46.810 [SPEAKER_00]: I feel like she's seen so much of me. 11:46.790 --> 11:52.058 [SPEAKER_00]: The good, the bad, the ugly, seriously, and, um, same with her, I've seen a lot in her. 11:52.278 --> 11:57.105 [SPEAKER_00]: It's easy to love, Bristol, but I just mean like even the things that she might not feel so proud of. 11:57.246 --> 11:57.826 [SPEAKER_00]: It's okay. 11:58.107 --> 12:07.701 [SPEAKER_00]: I'm here to be there for her through it and we work together to also become healthier people ourselves and be in a healthy relationship together. 12:07.681 --> 12:15.228 [SPEAKER_00]: So another thing that Eden and Jay had pointed out in their post is that healthy relationship doesn't mean zero conflict. 12:15.728 --> 12:28.520 [SPEAKER_00]: You're going to be encountering conflict in your relationship because how could you expect, you know, people coming together, trying to build a life together and not encountering any conflict, like your different personalities, right? 12:28.700 --> 12:33.044 [SPEAKER_00]: And in my relationship, too, with Crystal, we definitely have conflict. 12:33.444 --> 12:37.688 [SPEAKER_00]: Oh yeah, but I've noticed compared to our first year of dating and 12:37.668 --> 12:48.670 [SPEAKER_00]: We really know how to navigate it, and like communicating in a very safe way, communicating in a very direct way too, and just being very, very open and honest. 12:48.871 --> 12:54.703 [SPEAKER_00]: I will say, what I loved is when Crystal and I first started dating, honesty was never the issue. 12:54.743 --> 12:55.845 [SPEAKER_00]: I feel like, 12:55.825 --> 12:59.749 [SPEAKER_00]: She really drove that into the relationship, being like, I have a very open book. 13:00.169 --> 13:04.313 [SPEAKER_00]: I just prefer honesty, like, that these are kind of my non-agosibles, right? 13:04.353 --> 13:05.334 [SPEAKER_00]: And I think that's great. 13:05.394 --> 13:14.544 [SPEAKER_00]: I think it's good to know these things, because it kind of sets you up, too, as to like what the relationship is going to look like, because I'm also a person who really appreciates honesty. 13:14.564 --> 13:21.390 [SPEAKER_00]: I think like when you have such an open type of communication with your partner, it doesn't feel like you need to be scared to share anything. 13:22.031 --> 13:23.132 [SPEAKER_00]: And, um, 13:23.112 --> 13:23.853 [SPEAKER_00]: I loved that. 13:23.993 --> 13:34.287 [SPEAKER_00]: Like right off the gecko, we talked a lot about our past, you know, who we've dated in the past, what our experiences were like, what our experiences were like growing up. 13:34.427 --> 13:49.086 [SPEAKER_00]: She really, really knows everything, knows the heartbreaks, knows my happy moments, all those things, and it's like such a nice feeling to be able to communicate that with your partner, because it's like she always says, you know, you had a life before me, and I want to know like, 13:49.066 --> 13:49.908 [SPEAKER_00]: tell me about it. 13:49.988 --> 13:52.512 [SPEAKER_00]: Let's let's talk about these things and same with her. 13:52.533 --> 13:54.095 [SPEAKER_00]: I met Crystal and my late 20s. 13:54.176 --> 13:55.558 [SPEAKER_00]: She was already 30 when we met. 13:55.638 --> 14:02.231 [SPEAKER_00]: So there was just so much to learn and understand from our past without there being that intimidation. 14:02.291 --> 14:04.114 [SPEAKER_00]: Because at the end of the day, she's right. 14:04.255 --> 14:07.982 [SPEAKER_00]: We've all had lives before ending up with our current partners. 14:08.483 --> 14:11.428 [SPEAKER_00]: So it's such a beautiful thing to be able to have that. 14:11.408 --> 14:13.050 [SPEAKER_00]: open communication. 14:13.090 --> 14:28.467 [SPEAKER_00]: And even if there were times of conflict or jealousy, which crystalline, I definitely had, when you are able to understand each other and know that person, and I don't even want to say like know their intention. 14:28.567 --> 14:29.509 [SPEAKER_00]: That's not really what I mean. 14:29.549 --> 14:36.977 [SPEAKER_00]: I feel like anyone's intention can be good, but if you're hurting somebody or you're not able to resolve conflict, 14:36.957 --> 14:39.441 [SPEAKER_00]: you're not going to get there because some people like to shut down. 14:39.461 --> 14:46.191 [SPEAKER_00]: I've noticed sometimes in some relationships it's hard to deal with conflicts because you almost can't just address the issue. 14:46.331 --> 14:50.317 [SPEAKER_00]: People just shut it down or they put it away somewhere and then it never gets resolved, right? 14:51.018 --> 15:05.901 [SPEAKER_00]: With Crystal and I, what we've learned to do over the years is we talk about it all in a safe way and we leave that time to really like connect after an argument and show that like mutual respect for each other. 15:05.881 --> 15:10.975 [SPEAKER_00]: that is the biggest thing you never want to call somebody names. 15:11.798 --> 15:13.583 [SPEAKER_00]: That's something they'll always remember. 15:13.643 --> 15:20.903 [SPEAKER_00]: And sometimes taking a breather before being reactive is very, very important too. 15:20.883 --> 15:38.553 [SPEAKER_00]: I can be a very reactive person, 100%, I can get very exasperated, emotional, but when you start to feel like your relationship is very much a safe place, you know, the person you're with isn't trying to attack your character, they're not trying to bring you down, they just want to understand you. 15:38.593 --> 15:42.199 [SPEAKER_00]: You can notice yourself trying to soften up. 15:42.179 --> 15:45.883 [SPEAKER_00]: All right, I guess I can say I've softened up in those cases when that does happen. 15:46.464 --> 15:51.109 [SPEAKER_00]: I think we've both become like much more emotionally mature through our conflicts too. 15:51.169 --> 15:55.294 [SPEAKER_00]: I'll never forget early dating when we had a conflict. 15:56.135 --> 15:58.998 [SPEAKER_00]: Oh, man, I remember it would feel like the end of the world. 15:59.799 --> 16:05.605 [SPEAKER_00]: And it sometimes does, you know, like that is your, there's so many like, uh, 16:05.585 --> 16:07.327 [SPEAKER_00]: fiery moments in that. 16:07.347 --> 16:12.053 [SPEAKER_00]: You know, you feel like passionate about it, but then you also feel like everything can just end and it's scary. 16:12.093 --> 16:21.024 [SPEAKER_00]: And I think that's where my anxiousness would come in, but when you look at your person and you're like, you are a safe place. 16:21.505 --> 16:23.548 [SPEAKER_00]: That is the best feeling you can have. 16:24.128 --> 16:29.415 [SPEAKER_00]: And that's why when you continue to grow together and have that constant communication, 16:29.395 --> 16:40.892 [SPEAKER_00]: You'll notice you will have that stable study relationship because you're committed to growing together and protecting the connection that you have. 16:41.433 --> 16:49.785 [SPEAKER_00]: I actually think I talked about this and maybe this was a few years ago about wanting to extend the honeymoon phase. 16:50.727 --> 16:54.973 [SPEAKER_00]: The honeymoon phase doesn't have to end within the first three months of your relationship or the first year. 16:54.993 --> 16:57.597 [SPEAKER_00]: It should 16:57.577 --> 17:19.230 [SPEAKER_00]: it should like deepen into something bigger than the honeymoon phase because you're not in the state of like anxiousness anymore where things are just fiery and so passionate and like deep and loving but you almost feel like it's risky like you feel like and you could lose it all and it's like you are your nervous system is it like an all-time high. 17:19.210 --> 17:26.458 [SPEAKER_00]: Speaking from experience, I really feel that way and you know what those things are exciting, but yeah, that stuff is not sustainable. 17:27.139 --> 17:35.248 [SPEAKER_00]: So being 30 now and three years into my relationship, I love the feeling of calmness. 17:35.868 --> 17:41.775 [SPEAKER_00]: I love that we are planning to build a future together and we own animals together. 17:41.755 --> 17:52.552 [SPEAKER_00]: It's like, one of the biggest things I've ever, I've craved, I guess, for so long in my life, my life path definitely led me to somebody into my later 20s. 17:53.293 --> 17:59.423 [SPEAKER_00]: And I remember growing up feeling like sad, I wasn't having relationships that were like committed. 17:59.764 --> 18:06.835 [SPEAKER_00]: But I am grateful for all the experience I did have because being single for all those years, 18:06.815 --> 18:13.002 [SPEAKER_00]: and maybe feeling a little left out, I definitely did because I was around people who are always in relationships. 18:13.222 --> 18:17.588 [SPEAKER_00]: Despite all of that though, I think that this all happened for a reason. 18:17.608 --> 18:28.761 [SPEAKER_00]: I am appreciative of all the experience I did have and the people I experienced, those like feelings with and those feelings up like love, some feelings of more like lustful feelings. 18:28.801 --> 18:29.482 [SPEAKER_00]: Yeah, like that. 18:29.942 --> 18:32.485 [SPEAKER_00]: Those are all those experiences you go through. 18:32.465 --> 18:45.604 [SPEAKER_00]: And it really did help me determine what I want and also help me bring those experiences and ensuring that my committed relationship was going to be a healthy one. 18:46.044 --> 18:51.712 [SPEAKER_00]: I definitely didn't want it to be going down a trajectory of having like a co-dependency on each other. 18:51.752 --> 18:52.954 [SPEAKER_00]: And 18:52.934 --> 19:14.132 [SPEAKER_00]: I wonder if a lot of women loving women relationships feel that way and I speak about women loving women because I feel like lesbians have a bit of this rep and lesbians like I'm sure you know and you can you probably will agree with me but it's like you know sometimes lesbians move fast 19:14.112 --> 19:16.117 [SPEAKER_00]: or they you haul right away. 19:16.137 --> 19:24.359 [SPEAKER_00]: Or they they already have such a deep bond because I feel like sometimes as women you can already even feel that in your friendships, right? 19:24.439 --> 19:28.630 [SPEAKER_00]: So you know those like really close bonds with your female friendships that you have. 19:28.670 --> 19:29.893 [SPEAKER_00]: It's like 19:29.873 --> 19:32.396 [SPEAKER_00]: picture that, but then you're also dating that person. 19:32.436 --> 19:54.902 [SPEAKER_00]: So it can feel very intense like even in the sense like you want to do everything together because you already have those common interest right, but I also think a healthy relationship means that you have to have that autonomy and like be your individual self, of course, do not lose yourself in the relationship, even if you absolutely love doing everything with that person. 19:54.882 --> 20:03.317 [SPEAKER_00]: Navigating that with Crystal was definitely, I wouldn't want to say a challenge, but we did have to do that because early on, of course, we're together all the time. 20:03.377 --> 20:05.180 [SPEAKER_00]: We're living together at that point, right? 20:05.260 --> 20:07.044 [SPEAKER_00]: And we just want to do everything together. 20:07.084 --> 20:09.107 [SPEAKER_00]: We also have the same interests. 20:09.688 --> 20:12.874 [SPEAKER_00]: But when we move to Vancouver, I remember we, 20:12.854 --> 20:15.198 [SPEAKER_00]: really made an effort to be like. 20:15.599 --> 20:33.411 [SPEAKER_00]: We need to make sure we have our own hobbies, and also we connect with other people outside of each other and not always together, meaning like when we meet a group of friends, it doesn't always have to be the two of us meeting, because it's important to kind of build your own life too, and then come back together and have different things to talk about. 20:33.391 --> 20:34.673 [SPEAKER_00]: and we've been doing that. 20:34.713 --> 20:44.588 [SPEAKER_00]: I'm so proud of us for doing that because especially when you move into a new place, a new city, and you don't have your familiarities anymore, it's very easy to latch on to each other. 20:44.628 --> 20:59.972 [SPEAKER_00]: But I think it's really important to have that individuality because it's so easy for people and a women-loving women relationship to just want to stick together or your friends become each other's friends like it all becomes very intertwined. 20:59.952 --> 21:06.666 [SPEAKER_00]: And while that's also a beautiful thing, like I'm not saying, don't do that, you should have aspects of your life that are combined, of course. 21:07.207 --> 21:10.955 [SPEAKER_00]: It's also important to look into like, what do you just like to do as an individual? 21:11.416 --> 21:14.923 [SPEAKER_00]: Like an example for me is like running has definitely become more of my thing. 21:15.584 --> 21:17.809 [SPEAKER_00]: And while Crystal has come with me on runs, 21:17.789 --> 21:35.020 [SPEAKER_00]: She doesn't always love to do it and that is totally fair and for me, I left to go on runs I joined a run club and I also go running on my own because that is my time to Klinger my head listen to music Just do that for my mental health do that for my body. 21:35.100 --> 21:36.422 [SPEAKER_00]: It's like 21:36.402 --> 21:41.514 [SPEAKER_00]: Funny enough, this never used to be the case, but running has now become my favorite form of exercise. 21:42.396 --> 21:48.549 [SPEAKER_00]: It never used to be, but I feel like I've kind of found the, I've kind of found that spark again when it comes to running. 21:49.011 --> 21:51.897 [SPEAKER_00]: To some of this part up, I kind of went on a tangent there, but I 21:51.877 --> 22:10.678 [SPEAKER_00]: a very important factor of being in a healthy relationship is making sure you have your individuality and I'm not saying that all of this sometimes needs to be toxic like even if let's just say you're like I'm sorry but like I just love being with my partner all the time like we genuinely have the best time together and 22:10.658 --> 22:12.921 [SPEAKER_00]: We have all the same hobbies, the same this and that. 22:13.121 --> 22:15.525 [SPEAKER_00]: That doesn't always mean like that's toxic. 22:15.765 --> 22:25.738 [SPEAKER_00]: I think there's a difference between someone wanting to control you or like make sure you, I don't know, they slowly start to try to like phase you out of other relationships. 22:25.798 --> 22:28.522 [SPEAKER_00]: That's a whole other story and that's very, very toxic. 22:29.083 --> 22:39.096 [SPEAKER_00]: And that can happen and you got to pay attention to those flags if you feel like someone is trying to isolate you because maybe they want all of your time. 22:39.076 --> 22:41.420 [SPEAKER_00]: I was even having a combo with my friend. 22:41.480 --> 22:45.266 [SPEAKER_00]: She was saying she loves spending time with her boyfriend and they just they do everything together. 22:45.307 --> 22:47.049 [SPEAKER_00]: I'm not saying that's toxic. 22:47.150 --> 22:50.155 [SPEAKER_00]: I totally get it and I feel that way with Crystal. 22:50.195 --> 22:52.178 [SPEAKER_00]: We'd rather be together than not. 22:52.699 --> 22:59.450 [SPEAKER_00]: But I do think over time and over the years it's important to make sure you do do your things. 22:59.531 --> 23:02.215 [SPEAKER_00]: Like you have your own things and you do it separate. 23:02.195 --> 23:13.814 [SPEAKER_00]: and um it also just leads for like more things to talk about or like new things to update each other on whether it's like new friends you're making or events you've gone to that stuff is really important. 23:14.255 --> 23:22.028 [SPEAKER_00]: I am someone who has loved my loan time even when I used to live alone in Toronto when I had my first apartment on Asington. 23:22.068 --> 23:24.071 [SPEAKER_00]: I loved that alone time. 23:24.372 --> 23:28.759 [SPEAKER_00]: I'm a very social person and I was always used to living with my roommates but 23:28.739 --> 23:31.763 [SPEAKER_00]: When I lived alone, I was like, I kind of value this. 23:31.963 --> 23:40.155 [SPEAKER_00]: I kind of value this time I have to do whatever I want to do, have the whole space to myself, you know, read. 23:40.936 --> 23:50.929 [SPEAKER_00]: But now it's nice to still have those things where I can do that individually, but like, but have my partner who's doing her thing too, but then we like still share a space together. 23:50.969 --> 23:52.291 [SPEAKER_00]: It's really, really nice. 23:52.512 --> 23:57.919 [SPEAKER_00]: We've definitely got into a very like good and comfy routine that I'm so grateful for. 23:57.899 --> 24:10.474 [SPEAKER_00]: And just to wrap this all up, I do want to say like, this is for anyone, if you're queer, if you're straight even if you're single like what are the things you would like to bring into your next relationship. 24:11.115 --> 24:13.117 [SPEAKER_00]: It's important to kind of sit and think about it. 24:13.197 --> 24:16.921 [SPEAKER_00]: It's like, what do I really, really want? 24:18.143 --> 24:25.071 [SPEAKER_00]: And what are the flags I want to pay attention to and make sure I don't find myself in something like that. 24:25.051 --> 24:27.594 [SPEAKER_00]: Another thing I forgot to even talk about is trust. 24:28.075 --> 24:32.101 [SPEAKER_00]: Trust is the biggest thing you need to have a healthy relationship. 24:32.281 --> 24:33.142 [SPEAKER_00]: It's the foundation. 24:33.202 --> 24:36.867 [SPEAKER_00]: Without trust, you don't have a healthy relationship. 24:37.248 --> 24:38.049 [SPEAKER_00]: Just point blank. 24:38.429 --> 24:48.443 [SPEAKER_00]: At that point, if the trust is lost, I would really say, like, it's best to even just start from scratch with somebody else, not with the same person because that's when 24:48.423 --> 24:56.294 [SPEAKER_00]: Resentment starts to really, really build, and even if it might seem fine for a little bit, it always comes up later. 24:56.335 --> 25:01.302 [SPEAKER_00]: And that was one of the things I remember Crystal telling me, like very early on into our relationship. 25:01.943 --> 25:05.588 [SPEAKER_00]: She said, without trust, we really have nothing and done. 25:05.568 --> 25:10.258 [SPEAKER_00]: That was, and that was even before we really, really started dating very seriously. 25:10.298 --> 25:12.582 [SPEAKER_00]: Like, this was very early on when we were talking to each other. 25:12.623 --> 25:16.611 [SPEAKER_00]: And we were just openly talking about like the most important things. 25:17.372 --> 25:20.338 [SPEAKER_00]: And Crystal was saying trust is everything to her. 25:20.358 --> 25:25.028 [SPEAKER_00]: And I agree with her because I couldn't imagine if we didn't have trust. 25:25.008 --> 25:29.035 [SPEAKER_00]: you would be constantly feeling like you're anxious. 25:29.075 --> 25:30.077 [SPEAKER_00]: You don't know what's happening. 25:30.097 --> 25:34.344 [SPEAKER_00]: You don't trust what they're doing, who they're talking to, and that's not a healthy relationship. 25:34.885 --> 25:46.705 [SPEAKER_00]: It's not healthy to be wondering who your partner's hanging out with, if they're flirting with someone, if they're going away on a trip, and you don't know what they're doing or what they're up to, who they're who they're entertaining, right? 25:46.885 --> 25:48.788 [SPEAKER_00]: I guess if someone's given you a reason, 25:48.768 --> 26:10.236 [SPEAKER_00]: To lose that trust because what's that saying it's like you have my trust until you lost it or or something like that I probably just messed that up forgive me because it's been a very long week, but um Yeah, I think once the trust is lost you don't have a relationship so protect your connection 26:10.216 --> 26:10.978 [SPEAKER_00]: You know what I mean? 26:10.998 --> 26:22.921 [SPEAKER_00]: If you really care about this person and you're in a healthy relationship, you want it to be a healthy relationship, always be open and be honest, be honest, and be trustworthy. 26:22.981 --> 26:24.264 [SPEAKER_00]: You know, don't lie. 26:24.284 --> 26:31.578 [SPEAKER_00]: I feel like I'm saying the obvious, but seriously, don't lie, especially if this is something you want to build. 26:31.618 --> 26:32.460 [SPEAKER_00]: Like 26:32.440 --> 26:35.906 [SPEAKER_00]: I remember her still even saying she'd rather hear even the worst things. 26:36.267 --> 26:42.398 [SPEAKER_00]: She would rather hear like something that might not be so ideal versus like somebody lying, right? 26:42.458 --> 26:48.529 [SPEAKER_00]: And I completely agree with her on that because when you have someone in a lie, it's kind of like, you did that so easily. 26:48.589 --> 26:50.533 [SPEAKER_00]: I feel like you could do that all the time. 26:50.513 --> 27:06.161 [SPEAKER_00]: And so I would say that's the number one to pay attention to, pay attention to ensuring you have trust and with trust in your relationship that comes with the steadiness, that comes with the comfort, that foundation. 27:06.201 --> 27:09.687 [SPEAKER_00]: Even trusting somebody when it comes to 27:09.667 --> 27:15.515 [SPEAKER_00]: finances, how they handle their finances, how they even are with their friendships, like how they treat their friendships. 27:15.535 --> 27:31.838 [SPEAKER_00]: There's so many different facets of this that can kind of like even relate to your romantic relationships, family to like even just observing how your person is around the things that really are important to them or in present in their life, what matter to them? 27:32.038 --> 27:34.301 [SPEAKER_00]: A person of their word is very important. 27:34.702 --> 27:36.484 [SPEAKER_00]: Actions over words. 27:36.464 --> 27:41.392 [SPEAKER_00]: someone who actually shows their love for you and their care for you through their actions. 27:41.452 --> 27:47.382 [SPEAKER_00]: They don't just say things and don't actually mean it or don't fulfill those promises. 27:47.923 --> 27:56.397 [SPEAKER_00]: All of those things are big things to pay attention to when you're looking into a relationship, pursuing a romantic relationship with someone. 27:56.377 --> 28:02.510 [SPEAKER_00]: And, you know, be patient with each other and have that quality time together. 28:02.530 --> 28:13.474 [SPEAKER_00]: I think that it's easy to feel tired or it's easy to just get into routines of like, you know, Crystal and I love watching movies and we love talking about the movies, but 28:13.454 --> 28:17.320 [SPEAKER_00]: you know we don't want to be getting into the habit where that's like the main thing we like to get together. 28:17.861 --> 28:31.041 [SPEAKER_00]: I remember we were even saying like we can't wait to go and explore bookstores together, go to more coffee shops, go to art museums, even as we're prepping for some new changes like coming up. 28:31.021 --> 28:39.591 [SPEAKER_00]: doing activities together because we're planning for the future and trying to figure out what are the things we like, what's important to us, all these things. 28:40.292 --> 28:42.975 [SPEAKER_00]: Have those conversations, and it's a beautiful thing. 28:43.355 --> 28:51.885 [SPEAKER_00]: I hope you guys liked this episode, all about healthy relationships, and how to see if you're in one, what flags to avoid all of that, all of that good stuff. 28:52.566 --> 28:56.691 [SPEAKER_00]: If you have anything you want to talk to me about, or if you 28:56.671 --> 28:59.036 [SPEAKER_00]: actually has something to even add on to this. 28:59.197 --> 29:03.186 [SPEAKER_00]: I would love to hear more and hear more from the community. 29:03.206 --> 29:06.033 [SPEAKER_00]: And yeah, my DMs are always open. 29:06.073 --> 29:07.717 [SPEAKER_00]: So please shoot me a message. 29:08.338 --> 29:13.971 [SPEAKER_00]: But yeah, once again, I hope you liked this episode and I will see you all next week.