WEBVTT 00:00.031 --> 00:04.816 [SPEAKER_00]: Hello everyone welcome back to room for us a space where queer voices thrive. 00:05.377 --> 00:11.363 [SPEAKER_00]: I'm your host P and every single week I like to sit down get vulnerable and talk about all things queer with all of you. 00:11.403 --> 00:28.080 [SPEAKER_00]: What I will say is hosting this podcast every single week has been so good for me and just like talking things out because yes as much as we do get into queer topics and we highlight queer icons and pop culture and we get into all of that 00:28.060 --> 00:46.627 [SPEAKER_00]: This is also about all of us and like our self-development and like mental health and where we're all feeling and I feel like for the listeners I can kind of take you all on that journey with me as I'm discovering so much about myself like as the months go on and especially as I've entered this new decade. 00:47.167 --> 00:57.983 [SPEAKER_00]: So first of all I would be really really curious as to know why you clicked on this 00:57.963 --> 01:04.113 [SPEAKER_00]: You are going to relate to what I have to say, and of course the title is a little cheeky. 01:04.354 --> 01:13.870 [SPEAKER_00]: I am laughing at it because I obviously don't think I am in like a villain era in the way you may think what a villain era is. 01:13.910 --> 01:24.207 [SPEAKER_00]: I know there is like jokes about it that we see on social media where it's basically people channeling their inner villain that they hadn't shown before. 01:24.187 --> 01:30.117 [SPEAKER_00]: But that could have a very like negative connotation, and I just want to explain where I'm coming from from this. 01:30.477 --> 01:46.583 [SPEAKER_00]: Some of the versions I've been seeing on social media, which I love, is speaking more to how empaths might be seeing themselves in their villanera, finally, but it's like a positive version of it because it's actually the healed version of yourself. 01:46.563 --> 01:56.438 [SPEAKER_00]: And to a lot of other people who might not understand it, the healed version of yourself could appear mean, cold or arrogant, even though this is definitely not the case. 01:56.838 --> 02:05.331 [SPEAKER_00]: So to bring this back to my story, and why I'm saying, I could potentially be in my villain era, is because the truth is, 02:05.311 --> 02:09.438 [SPEAKER_00]: For many, many years, I have struggled with setting boundaries. 02:09.859 --> 02:16.771 [SPEAKER_00]: And to be honest, as I've been doing so much reflecting, I saw that within a lot of my friendships growing up. 02:16.791 --> 02:23.303 [SPEAKER_00]: I wanted to look into, even why, as a young kid, that this was always such a huge struggle for me. 02:23.283 --> 02:31.762 [SPEAKER_00]: People struggle with setting boundaries with friends primarily due to any fear of conflict, rejection, or losing the friendship. 02:32.324 --> 02:38.558 [SPEAKER_00]: In this often stems from people pleasing tendencies, which I've talked about many, many times on this podcast. 02:38.538 --> 02:49.393 [SPEAKER_00]: low self-esteem or guilt which leads to a prioritization of others needs and a preference for maintaining harmony over your personal well-being. 02:49.433 --> 02:58.145 [SPEAKER_00]: It's interesting because I've been very open about how I've been a people pleaser since I was a kid really and I'm outgrowing it. 02:58.285 --> 03:05.355 [SPEAKER_00]: I feel like I've seen immense change and I'll get into it as I talk more in this episode but I'm curious 03:05.335 --> 03:11.264 [SPEAKER_00]: Any recovering people, please, or people who can relate to what I'm saying will get what I mean in this episode. 03:11.945 --> 03:18.013 [SPEAKER_00]: And people pleasing sometimes has a definition that is more broad. 03:18.354 --> 03:18.935 [SPEAKER_00]: You know what I mean? 03:18.995 --> 03:28.288 [SPEAKER_00]: Like people who may even be assertive or very confident and bold might not be seen as people, please, but then deep down. 03:28.268 --> 03:53.297 [SPEAKER_00]: sometimes a lot of us can be in different ways like it might not be so obvious that the person you're looking at in a room full of people maybe the one who's way too easy going a little more naive shy is the people pleaser it could actually even be the most confident person in the room who might be putting on a show to please other people and I always find that so interesting because I think there have been people in my life and 03:53.277 --> 03:59.584 [SPEAKER_00]: that I've looked at where I'm like, oh my god, I wish I could be more like them because I feel like they're not a people pleaser. 04:00.064 --> 04:03.248 [SPEAKER_00]: But at the same time, that is just the perception I am getting. 04:03.268 --> 04:06.872 [SPEAKER_00]: And there's nothing wrong with these people and that's not what I'm trying to say. 04:06.912 --> 04:13.879 [SPEAKER_00]: I just think that's where we should never compare because it can kind of be a sneaky thing that creeps up on you. 04:13.919 --> 04:16.602 [SPEAKER_00]: And I think more often than not, 04:16.582 --> 04:19.749 [SPEAKER_00]: a lot of people deal with people pleasing tendencies. 04:20.129 --> 04:22.414 [SPEAKER_00]: It's not so black and white. 04:23.276 --> 04:28.307 [SPEAKER_00]: So there are key reasons for difficulty in setting boundaries and I'm going to get into them. 04:29.429 --> 04:31.734 [SPEAKER_00]: One, there's fear, right? 04:31.854 --> 04:33.257 [SPEAKER_00]: And this is like, 04:33.237 --> 04:42.773 [SPEAKER_00]: anything where you fear that asserting needs can lead to conflict, rejection, or maybe someone reacting with anger or guilt tripping you. 04:43.254 --> 04:44.516 [SPEAKER_00]: And nobody wants to deal with that. 04:44.617 --> 04:45.699 [SPEAKER_00]: That's never a fun feeling. 04:46.019 --> 04:55.836 [SPEAKER_00]: To go along with the guilt, the reason why we're having trouble setting boundaries is because of the natural people, please, or in us, and the guilt we're scared of feeling. 04:55.816 --> 05:06.443 [SPEAKER_00]: So a strong desire to please others, often results in over commitments and difficulty to saying no to something followed by the guilt. 05:06.784 --> 05:11.817 [SPEAKER_00]: Like, you might feel very confident in your decision and say no to something. 05:11.797 --> 05:17.124 [SPEAKER_00]: But maybe it's based off of the person's reaction, or maybe they can have no reaction at all. 05:17.625 --> 05:24.935 [SPEAKER_00]: But you feel guilty for some reason, even though you are completely allowed to say no to commitments. 05:25.316 --> 05:31.284 [SPEAKER_00]: There's also like a misguided loyalty and an obligation that we sometimes feel for our relationships. 05:31.845 --> 05:32.826 [SPEAKER_00]: So... 05:32.806 --> 05:44.201 [SPEAKER_00]: My example is kind of more around friendships, but I'm going to say feelings of responsibility for a friend's happiness or holding on to long-term historical friendships that have been outgrown. 05:44.681 --> 05:52.772 [SPEAKER_00]: So in many ways, when you've had very, very long-term friendships, and that is something that I have experienced for most of my life. 05:52.752 --> 06:03.908 [SPEAKER_00]: There's this feeling of like the historical memories that you share with a friend, that you want to hold on so tightly that you just don't want to let it go. 06:03.928 --> 06:05.691 [SPEAKER_00]: It just doesn't make any sense in your head. 06:06.091 --> 06:12.000 [SPEAKER_00]: But there have been times that I have felt myself slightly distancing from people from my past. 06:12.681 --> 06:13.822 [SPEAKER_00]: And that is okay. 06:13.843 --> 06:15.485 [SPEAKER_00]: That's also a part of growing. 06:15.986 --> 06:18.249 [SPEAKER_00]: I was reading something about this. 06:18.409 --> 06:21.814 [SPEAKER_00]: It might have 06:21.794 --> 06:22.616 [SPEAKER_00]: verify this. 06:23.157 --> 06:31.418 [SPEAKER_00]: But I read a lot of self-help books and sometimes I just go from like snippets and just pick up little parts and like bookmark them because they mean a lot to me. 06:31.959 --> 06:37.373 [SPEAKER_00]: But one thing I've noticed is that when you have a lot of long-term historical friendships, 06:37.353 --> 06:41.585 [SPEAKER_00]: You have to think about where you were when you met these people, right? 06:41.625 --> 06:45.937 [SPEAKER_00]: You're all in like the same institution, the same city or town. 06:46.499 --> 06:49.548 [SPEAKER_00]: You're kind of surrounded around the same things. 06:50.230 --> 06:52.476 [SPEAKER_00]: When you finally start to break away from that, 06:52.456 --> 06:56.564 [SPEAKER_00]: It's so normal that you guys might outgrow each other. 06:56.625 --> 06:58.428 [SPEAKER_00]: It doesn't mean there's anything wrong. 06:58.809 --> 07:00.713 [SPEAKER_00]: It's just a part of growing up. 07:00.733 --> 07:08.068 [SPEAKER_00]: There are friendships that I've held on to since I was younger, that I've noticed have continued to catch stronger and 07:08.048 --> 07:27.627 [SPEAKER_00]: we adapt to each other's change and we applaud each other for the change and genuinely we're not just saying it and not meaning it like we actually show those actions and I'm very grateful for those people because when you can have such a long lasting friendship that with someone that you've known for so many years and they've just treated you 07:27.607 --> 07:29.491 [SPEAKER_00]: with respect and like vice versa. 07:29.652 --> 07:30.935 [SPEAKER_00]: You both feel that for each other. 07:30.955 --> 07:33.020 [SPEAKER_00]: That's a very, very beautiful thing. 07:33.120 --> 07:39.114 [SPEAKER_00]: So I never want to skew people the wrong way in this episode and think like, you always have to outgrow everybody. 07:39.154 --> 07:40.177 [SPEAKER_00]: Like, that's not what I mean. 07:40.217 --> 07:43.645 [SPEAKER_00]: I just mean that try not to force anything. 07:43.886 --> 07:45.750 [SPEAKER_00]: That doesn't seem to be sticking anymore. 07:45.730 --> 07:54.902 [SPEAKER_00]: Another problem or another reason why boundary setting can be so hard is that people who are, you know, they want to choose the route of kindness. 07:55.042 --> 07:58.347 [SPEAKER_00]: For example, you might lack some assertiveness skills. 07:58.767 --> 08:04.615 [SPEAKER_00]: So you might not know how to communicate needs clearly and directly without feeling like you're being too aggressive or selfish. 08:05.036 --> 08:08.160 [SPEAKER_00]: And that's a really big thing I've noticed is that 08:08.140 --> 08:26.183 [SPEAKER_00]: You saying, notice something might make you question, I really hope this person doesn't think I'm being selfish or I'm being rude, it's like, and you know, that's something I used to struggle with a lot, especially in my early 20s and I might do a little bit of a deep dive as to why that is, but it would even be like, 08:26.163 --> 08:45.249 [SPEAKER_00]: adjusting things around so you could be there for a friend and they might even be like no no like don't worry you don't have to and those are the people I really respect because I'm like it does make the other person feel better but it is also on me for not having that assertive skill and that is something I really really had to develop. 08:45.289 --> 08:50.736 [SPEAKER_00]: They normalize poor boundaries so that's another reason like 08:50.716 --> 09:01.611 [SPEAKER_00]: why there's a struggle there, you know, like it's a belief that setting limits is root or selfish, which cause people to endure the disrespect or the overstepping. 09:02.252 --> 09:13.408 [SPEAKER_00]: I do think a lot of these challenges do stem from a desire to maintain friendships or relationships, even at the cost of your personal peace, leading to one-sided dynamics or resentment. 09:13.809 --> 09:16.533 [SPEAKER_00]: We're going to change what like villain era means. 09:17.033 --> 09:19.677 [SPEAKER_00]: And my idea of this is saying that 09:19.657 --> 09:23.501 [SPEAKER_00]: actually this doesn't work for me and simply moving forward. 09:23.922 --> 09:26.424 [SPEAKER_00]: And I don't mean to be coming off cold. 09:26.485 --> 09:29.147 [SPEAKER_00]: It's actually a very strong and powerful feeling. 09:29.608 --> 09:31.090 [SPEAKER_00]: It's like an act of self-love. 09:31.931 --> 09:33.612 [SPEAKER_00]: So I'm not talking about being mean. 09:33.933 --> 09:36.075 [SPEAKER_00]: I'm also not talking about cutting everyone off. 09:36.275 --> 09:40.160 [SPEAKER_00]: As mentioned, I'm not talking about suddenly being cold or unkind. 09:40.820 --> 09:46.527 [SPEAKER_00]: What I'm talking about is what happens when you stop people pleasing and people do not love it. 09:47.247 --> 09:48.769 [SPEAKER_00]: Because here's the thing. 09:49.762 --> 10:01.662 [SPEAKER_00]: My so-called villanera is really me coming into my healed self and healing can look offensive if people were maybe benefiting from the unhealed version of you. 10:01.682 --> 10:05.408 [SPEAKER_00]: Really think about that for a moment and 10:06.316 --> 10:08.818 [SPEAKER_00]: Not everyone is trying to be malicious. 10:08.898 --> 10:11.301 [SPEAKER_00]: Like, that's the tough thing with this. 10:11.681 --> 10:20.550 [SPEAKER_00]: Every individual who you're going to encounter is gonna have different reasons for maybe why they're reacting strongly to you asserting boundaries. 10:20.570 --> 10:23.733 [SPEAKER_00]: But at the end of the day, they need to respect that. 10:24.213 --> 10:29.378 [SPEAKER_00]: And if someone isn't, that's not something to overlook. 10:29.398 --> 10:30.439 [SPEAKER_00]: So really think about it. 10:30.920 --> 10:31.720 [SPEAKER_00]: I'll repeat this again. 10:31.760 --> 10:34.483 [SPEAKER_00]: Healing can look offensive. 10:34.463 --> 10:49.755 [SPEAKER_00]: if people were benefiting from the unhealed version of you, and I feel like that's a very powerful line when you really, really think about it because some friends, family, romantic partners, 10:49.735 --> 10:54.182 [SPEAKER_00]: they could be benefiting from the version of you that didn't have much boundary. 10:54.562 --> 10:55.604 [SPEAKER_00]: You were the yes person. 10:55.684 --> 11:04.076 [SPEAKER_00]: You were someone they could always rely on, but even at the cost of your own personal like mental health, like what you're going through. 11:04.116 --> 11:07.301 [SPEAKER_00]: I'm not saying like you shouldn't be a reliable person. 11:07.321 --> 11:09.764 [SPEAKER_00]: Like I'm not promoting flaking is or anything like that. 11:10.325 --> 11:16.975 [SPEAKER_00]: But when people just expect so much of you, that's where things really start to take a turn. 11:16.955 --> 11:30.191 [SPEAKER_00]: And for most of my life, I was a very, very agreeable person, very flexible, very like it's fine, don't worry about me putting my feelings on the back burner, truly. 11:30.211 --> 11:37.900 [SPEAKER_00]: I was someone who would always adjust the friend who would really understand not really like push back or stand up for myself. 11:37.880 --> 11:41.045 [SPEAKER_00]: And for a long time, I just thought, you know, that's just being kind. 11:41.085 --> 11:42.267 [SPEAKER_00]: That's who I am, right? 11:42.828 --> 11:46.834 [SPEAKER_00]: But I didn't realize how often that kindness came at my own expense. 11:47.815 --> 11:54.285 [SPEAKER_00]: And I'll be honest, what's interesting is I didn't really notice this pattern a lot in my romantic relationships. 11:54.265 --> 11:59.777 [SPEAKER_00]: That might be because my past relationships didn't really last long enough for these things to fully play out. 12:00.358 --> 12:12.443 [SPEAKER_00]: I mean, you could argue and say like, of course, when I really liked a girl when I was in my 20s and I was figuring things out, I was very accommodating or agreeable to what that person. 12:12.423 --> 12:28.930 [SPEAKER_00]: wanted or like but at the same time that was very much like a mutual agreement if that makes sense and maybe things would play out longer and I wanted something serious and it didn't work out but at the end of the day I didn't really start to notice a pattern because a lot of these times like these relationships 12:29.585 --> 12:31.087 [SPEAKER_00]: didn't fully play out. 12:31.367 --> 12:33.770 [SPEAKER_00]: And that was also okay. 12:33.790 --> 12:35.111 [SPEAKER_00]: That was a part of my growing. 12:35.312 --> 12:46.825 [SPEAKER_00]: And I'm grateful for those experiences because after each experience, it really did make me a stronger person and someone who was more assured about what I wanted out of my romantic relationships. 12:47.126 --> 12:55.255 [SPEAKER_00]: But the one thing I never ever thought about was am I struggling with boundaries within my own friendships? 12:55.235 --> 12:59.602 [SPEAKER_00]: within my very, very close to your friends, so you know, like, are almost like family. 13:00.263 --> 13:02.046 [SPEAKER_00]: And friendships can be sneaky in that way. 13:02.086 --> 13:03.589 [SPEAKER_00]: You don't always really see it. 13:03.869 --> 13:05.913 [SPEAKER_00]: And this can last years. 13:06.274 --> 13:13.446 [SPEAKER_00]: I have friends I've known for decades and things kind of just continue to go on without anything being re-examined. 13:13.486 --> 13:16.070 [SPEAKER_00]: They're built on who you were when you met. 13:16.771 --> 13:20.297 [SPEAKER_00]: So, when you change, when you grow, when you start speaking up, 13:20.277 --> 13:23.746 [SPEAKER_00]: Sometimes it doesn't actually feel like proud growth to other people. 13:23.806 --> 13:31.927 [SPEAKER_00]: It can feel like a disruption, and even if the intent isn't malicious, it's definitely not a healthy dynamic to be involved in. 13:31.967 --> 13:36.058 [SPEAKER_00]: And that's something I learned kind of the hard way. 13:36.038 --> 13:39.366 [SPEAKER_00]: being placed on to me a couple years back. 13:40.048 --> 13:42.433 [SPEAKER_00]: I kind of stopped over doing it. 13:42.594 --> 13:51.415 [SPEAKER_00]: I stopped showing up for things when I really just felt, you know, I needed some time to myself, time with my partner, just my personal growth, but some people don't. 13:51.395 --> 14:04.253 [SPEAKER_00]: Love that, they want the version of you that was always there, always available, but it's so normal to change as your dynamic changes too, and I'm going to be saying the word growth, like many many times in this episode. 14:04.593 --> 14:09.741 [SPEAKER_00]: But these things are normal, and your friends might be seeing it as you are just different. 14:10.241 --> 14:14.327 [SPEAKER_00]: And yeah, because you are different, it's important to change. 14:14.427 --> 14:18.533 [SPEAKER_00]: Why would I want to be the same person I was when I was 20? 14:18.513 --> 14:23.741 [SPEAKER_00]: You know, you're no longer abandoning yourself to just like keep the peace and keep things cordial. 14:23.801 --> 14:29.028 [SPEAKER_00]: The wild thing is that a lot of these boundaries are very, very reasonable. 14:29.048 --> 14:32.293 [SPEAKER_00]: And this is what I want to reiterate too. 14:32.393 --> 14:36.679 [SPEAKER_00]: If you're not out here treating people poorly, hurting people. 14:37.080 --> 14:42.748 [SPEAKER_00]: But if you're asserting boundaries for your own personal piece, you know, like you're not being cruel about it. 14:42.728 --> 14:47.915 [SPEAKER_00]: You're not being aggressive, it's just they show up a little bit more because your life looks a little bit different. 14:48.315 --> 14:51.259 [SPEAKER_00]: These things are very reasonable when you start to set boundaries. 14:51.800 --> 14:59.330 [SPEAKER_00]: But to someone who has benefited from the absence of your boundaries, even just a small one can feel like a sudden rejection. 14:59.390 --> 15:01.813 [SPEAKER_00]: And suddenly, it's quick. 15:02.554 --> 15:04.737 [SPEAKER_00]: You are the villain in their story. 15:05.117 --> 15:07.420 [SPEAKER_00]: And I know that sounds really, really dramatic. 15:08.422 --> 15:10.204 [SPEAKER_00]: But in a way, 15:10.808 --> 15:34.352 [SPEAKER_00]: You can slowly, quietly become the person who's a villain in their story and you might not notice it right away, but you'll maybe start to notice energy shifts and these are things you should not ignore for yourself and like I'm speaking about this because I have dealt with these things personally. 15:34.332 --> 15:46.069 [SPEAKER_00]: where I noticed energy would shift around me in certain group dynamics, and your body doesn't lie, when you feel something is off, listen to it, because it is true. 15:46.109 --> 15:56.003 [SPEAKER_00]: And then sometimes you'll come to find out the truth, even if it's a couple years later, and you're like, oh, my gut feelings back then were entirely true, and I should have listened to myself. 15:57.367 --> 16:09.984 [SPEAKER_00]: So this is where, like, the exhaustion can also come in when maybe you are the perceived villain in someone's story, even if it was because of you simply setting some boundaries. 16:11.106 --> 16:16.974 [SPEAKER_00]: That people were not happy about, but it's exhausting because you have to explain yourself for everything. 16:17.014 --> 16:24.825 [SPEAKER_00]: You ever struggle with these feeling sometimes when you have to say no to a commitment, but you almost like absolutely need to have, 16:25.531 --> 16:31.931 [SPEAKER_00]: the details like example as to why you can't go to something when really it shouldn't have to be that hard. 16:32.513 --> 16:35.743 [SPEAKER_00]: But you feel like you have to do it to prove something, right? 16:36.112 --> 16:49.929 [SPEAKER_00]: So you hope that the explanation will like maybe land but then sometimes you kind of just have to come to realize that like, no matter what you say, someone might be talking about you, like your damned if you do, your damned if you don't. 16:50.630 --> 16:53.534 [SPEAKER_00]: And it's not a respect thing. 16:53.994 --> 16:56.537 [SPEAKER_00]: Someone can understand you, they understand your boundaries. 16:57.158 --> 16:58.380 [SPEAKER_00]: That's different, they get it. 16:59.060 --> 17:01.984 [SPEAKER_00]: But then some people don't respect it. 17:01.964 --> 17:03.747 [SPEAKER_00]: And that's kind of where I draw the line. 17:04.408 --> 17:11.241 [SPEAKER_00]: And I've been tired, you know, and there's also the feeling back to like, I'm damned if I do, I'm damned if I don't. 17:12.223 --> 17:15.148 [SPEAKER_00]: If I stay too quiet, I might appear resentful. 17:15.689 --> 17:18.314 [SPEAKER_00]: If I speak up, I could be coming off dramatic. 17:18.815 --> 17:21.019 [SPEAKER_00]: If I pull back, I'm suddenly cold. 17:22.265 --> 17:27.310 [SPEAKER_00]: But if I stay, I'm also choosing to be around people who don't respect me, right? 17:27.370 --> 17:32.434 [SPEAKER_00]: And at some point, when you get exhausted, you kind of stop asking, how do I make this work? 17:32.855 --> 17:35.497 [SPEAKER_00]: And you realize, like, why is this so hard? 17:36.097 --> 17:40.541 [SPEAKER_00]: And listen, I don't like the idea of cutting people off. 17:40.822 --> 17:47.187 [SPEAKER_00]: But what I will say is that I believe in disengaging when things don't align with you anymore. 17:47.728 --> 17:52.272 [SPEAKER_00]: Like you can still have a care, 17:52.252 --> 17:53.735 [SPEAKER_00]: And there's a difference there. 17:54.516 --> 17:59.284 [SPEAKER_00]: You can care for somebody from a distance, but you're also choosing that piece. 17:59.584 --> 18:02.229 [SPEAKER_00]: So that is why it's kind of from a distance, right? 18:02.269 --> 18:07.838 [SPEAKER_00]: Like it's basically saying, I wish you well, but I'm no longer available for this. 18:07.919 --> 18:11.104 [SPEAKER_00]: Like you don't really have access to me anymore. 18:11.084 --> 18:11.705 [SPEAKER_00]: You know what? 18:11.765 --> 18:15.209 [SPEAKER_00]: People might be shocked by it, but I don't think it's cruelty at all. 18:15.670 --> 18:17.712 [SPEAKER_00]: This is what self-respect is. 18:18.333 --> 18:19.615 [SPEAKER_00]: You are choosing yourself. 18:20.216 --> 18:30.789 [SPEAKER_00]: Respect is huge for me and it's something I feel like I wasn't really giving myself when it came to certain dynamics, you know, and it can be very, very sneaky, as I mentioned. 18:31.510 --> 18:39.420 [SPEAKER_00]: Not something you can pick up on quite easily 18:39.400 --> 18:46.773 [SPEAKER_00]: And that happens, you know, when you're a teenager, you're a young adult, you're still developing yourself, your frontal lobe isn't developed. 18:46.854 --> 18:50.520 [SPEAKER_00]: So you're also trying to fit in like there's so many factors there. 18:50.560 --> 18:55.890 [SPEAKER_00]: It's something that I didn't have the language for at the time, but I definitely do now. 18:56.512 --> 19:01.878 [SPEAKER_00]: There were many times I didn't feel believed in, and that's a quiet kind of hurt. 19:02.379 --> 19:20.460 [SPEAKER_00]: It wasn't always obvious or allowed, but it would show up in small comments and jokes and skepticism that never felt like a concern at the time, but to be honest, like, subtly, I felt very undermined, like maybe my goals were unrealistic or even my growth, 19:20.440 --> 19:28.714 [SPEAKER_00]: that was happening over time was like questioned instead of celebrated. 19:28.774 --> 19:32.440 [SPEAKER_00]: And over time that can really really do something to a person. 19:32.500 --> 19:37.088 [SPEAKER_00]: You might start to not believe in yourself as much or you shrink your excitement. 19:37.689 --> 19:45.722 [SPEAKER_00]: Maybe you stop sharing your wins out of like a fear of judgment and you make yourself smaller so you don't feel judged for taking up that space. 19:45.702 --> 19:59.517 [SPEAKER_00]: and realizing that some people may not fully believe in you that they may tolerate it more than just like champion you or applaud for you is heartbreaking and a way that is really hard to explain but it's impossible to ignore. 19:59.557 --> 20:10.208 [SPEAKER_00]: And this is something like as small too as if like you are a person who is chasing your dreams like doing things that may be unconventional but like 20:10.188 --> 20:15.814 [SPEAKER_00]: you want to do it because you want to do something that's different for your life and you believe in it, because you know it is possible. 20:15.874 --> 20:34.575 [SPEAKER_00]: I believe in supporting your friends, showing up for them in any way you can, like supporting on social media, sharing their content, whatever it is that they're doing, that's stuff, like don't ignore it, you know, like be happy for the people who are around you 20:35.382 --> 20:43.409 [SPEAKER_00]: I think that's a very, very important quality that we sometimes overlook or think, like, I don't know if that's maybe that's not a big deal, but no, it is. 20:43.429 --> 20:45.131 [SPEAKER_00]: I think it's a huge deal. 20:45.591 --> 20:50.115 [SPEAKER_00]: And you got to listen to your gut when things start to feel weird or you know there's a weird energy. 20:50.696 --> 20:51.657 [SPEAKER_00]: Do not ignore it. 20:51.977 --> 20:53.018 [SPEAKER_00]: It can be inevitable, right? 20:53.078 --> 20:58.603 [SPEAKER_00]: Like friendships, especially the ones that do last for many years, sometimes will encounter gossip. 20:58.663 --> 21:05.389 [SPEAKER_00]: But one thing I always do stand by is how I feel and I will address any issues I have with 21:05.369 --> 21:10.375 [SPEAKER_00]: There used to be a lot of fear sometimes with me confronting others when I was in my 20s. 21:10.736 --> 21:13.139 [SPEAKER_00]: For sure, I mean, I will admit that first hand. 21:13.599 --> 21:17.164 [SPEAKER_00]: But the one thing I can't stand is like mean gossiping. 21:17.224 --> 21:21.009 [SPEAKER_00]: I think it's horrible, it's not even just eventing at that point. 21:21.409 --> 21:25.995 [SPEAKER_00]: Especially when you can't tell the person directly that this is the issue I have with you. 21:26.035 --> 21:29.419 [SPEAKER_00]: Because that way, they are not left in the dark. 21:29.399 --> 21:36.492 [SPEAKER_00]: Gossiping behind people's backs can change how others see you, and it's not just harmless venting. 21:36.993 --> 21:44.927 [SPEAKER_00]: And like I said, there were things I had noticed with some dynamics where I was like, I know people are judging me. 21:44.907 --> 21:45.628 [SPEAKER_00]: and it sucks. 21:46.289 --> 21:54.459 [SPEAKER_00]: I could sense there was judgments and I knew I was like changing, becoming assertive, and more into myself and feeling really proud of the person I was becoming. 21:55.100 --> 22:05.032 [SPEAKER_00]: But sometimes it can just take one source who isn't happy with that and they spread it to others and they start to believe it too and that's a really shitty thing. 22:05.092 --> 22:06.253 [SPEAKER_00]: It kind of becomes a pattern. 22:06.734 --> 22:11.640 [SPEAKER_00]: Realizing that someone 22:11.620 --> 22:18.711 [SPEAKER_00]: instead of the person directly, can make any friendship, relationship, very, very unsafe. 22:19.392 --> 22:26.302 [SPEAKER_00]: So, once again, if you're walking away from something that feels like that, don't think of it as like a punishment to that person. 22:26.703 --> 22:32.973 [SPEAKER_00]: To be honest, it's really just protection for yourself, and that grief is something that not a lot of people really talk about. 22:33.013 --> 22:36.598 [SPEAKER_00]: You know, especially when it comes to like friendship breakups, 22:36.578 --> 22:41.643 [SPEAKER_00]: But it's fair to come to the realization that things will probably never go back to being the same. 22:41.683 --> 22:43.104 [SPEAKER_00]: As unfortunate as that is. 22:43.785 --> 22:47.308 [SPEAKER_00]: For me, like if my trust is lost, I can't really get that back. 22:47.768 --> 22:48.789 [SPEAKER_00]: You can wish someone well. 22:48.829 --> 22:53.413 [SPEAKER_00]: You're not holding onto this like crazy resentment, but you can still choose that distance. 22:54.194 --> 22:56.917 [SPEAKER_00]: And this is not like being a villain. 22:57.597 --> 22:58.718 [SPEAKER_00]: It's not your villain era. 22:58.758 --> 23:00.780 [SPEAKER_00]: It's actually called growth. 23:01.821 --> 23:06.045 [SPEAKER_00]: But growth doesn't come with like loud applause all the time. 23:06.025 --> 23:13.445 [SPEAKER_00]: Sometimes it's met with silence, and sometimes it comes with people rewriting the story, so they don't have to really look at their true partner. 23:14.107 --> 23:16.373 [SPEAKER_00]: That's something I've learned a lot about recently. 23:16.555 --> 23:22.384 [SPEAKER_00]: Many people can struggle with taking true accountability for actions when they've hurt people in the past. 23:22.845 --> 23:30.077 [SPEAKER_00]: They'll always have an excuse, they'll blame another person, all along missing the true roots of where the hurt had stemmed from. 23:30.918 --> 23:32.861 [SPEAKER_00]: But you know what, that's okay. 23:33.562 --> 23:39.873 [SPEAKER_00]: We can't change people, but for me, it's more like I disengage. 23:40.413 --> 23:43.879 [SPEAKER_00]: If I start to see patterns that exhaust me, 23:43.859 --> 23:45.863 [SPEAKER_00]: I'm not engaging, I walk away. 23:46.524 --> 23:50.332 [SPEAKER_00]: So like I said, if this is my villain era, I'm redefining it. 23:51.173 --> 23:54.159 [SPEAKER_00]: My villain era is no more overexplaning. 23:54.199 --> 24:02.155 [SPEAKER_00]: It's choosing to choose me and loving myself so much that I refuse to let anyone disrespect me. 24:02.135 --> 24:15.082 [SPEAKER_00]: The moment that I start to sense any weirdness, especially if it's like completely unwarranted and if it wasn't something that I did actually do, other than growing or choosing priorities that matter to me, I will not engage. 24:15.583 --> 24:16.425 [SPEAKER_00]: I will walk away. 24:16.445 --> 24:22.978 [SPEAKER_00]: And honestly, it's a form of choosing myself that I don't know if I always had before. 24:22.958 --> 24:31.611 [SPEAKER_00]: So I'm really proud of the person that I'm becoming where it's like, I do not play, you know, like someone might look at me and think like, oh, she's very easy going. 24:31.751 --> 24:32.692 [SPEAKER_00]: She's kind. 24:32.752 --> 24:34.295 [SPEAKER_00]: I can take advantage this or that. 24:34.855 --> 24:39.202 [SPEAKER_00]: Yeah, I think I definitely had a bit of that reputation for sure, and that's also on me. 24:39.562 --> 24:46.232 [SPEAKER_00]: I was someone who did not know how to assert boundaries, but you'll notice more people around you will take advantage of it. 24:46.212 --> 24:55.151 [SPEAKER_00]: then actually be protective of you and look out for you, because it's the same people who will have a problem with you when you start asserting boundaries. 24:55.733 --> 25:03.850 [SPEAKER_00]: Like I said, actions over words, someone can say all these things to you and say they want this for you, but how do they act when you actually start? 25:03.830 --> 25:04.952 [SPEAKER_00]: asserting some boundaries. 25:05.433 --> 25:07.638 [SPEAKER_00]: So yeah, I'm choosing myself. 25:07.958 --> 25:22.868 [SPEAKER_00]: Even if it comes at the cost of maybe losing an old friend, but if that makes me the villain in someone else's story, like I can also live with that, because I know that everybody has their own things going on, their own life, their own feelings. 25:22.848 --> 25:25.132 [SPEAKER_00]: as mentioned, I don't think anyone is all bad. 25:25.472 --> 25:26.373 [SPEAKER_00]: I don't think that at all. 25:26.974 --> 25:37.931 [SPEAKER_00]: I think everybody has a story and ways they need to grow and work on themselves and all of that, but is that something that you always need to be a part of, not necessarily? 25:37.971 --> 25:41.517 [SPEAKER_00]: Sometimes this feeling can feel very isolating. 25:41.877 --> 25:45.042 [SPEAKER_00]: Like everything I'm describing and what I'm kind of going through. 25:45.308 --> 25:56.665 [SPEAKER_00]: It can feel very isolating, because you choosing to walk away from old patterns of things and people that maybe you feel were not respecting you. 25:57.686 --> 26:03.295 [SPEAKER_00]: It can feel crazy, because you're like, wow, I've never really done this before, and am I being cruel? 26:03.375 --> 26:04.497 [SPEAKER_00]: Am I being too much? 26:04.537 --> 26:06.379 [SPEAKER_00]: Did I walk away too fast? 26:06.880 --> 26:14.792 [SPEAKER_00]: But I want to address this, because this is something I probably wouldn't need it. 26:14.772 --> 26:21.401 [SPEAKER_00]: and these dynamic shifts are something that a lot of people experience in their late 20s and 30s, but it's rarely talked about. 26:21.741 --> 26:24.104 [SPEAKER_00]: This is just a few points to really sum it up, that's too. 26:24.705 --> 26:24.985 [SPEAKER_00]: Why? 26:25.026 --> 26:26.227 [SPEAKER_00]: You can feel this way. 26:27.268 --> 26:33.777 [SPEAKER_00]: So, the number one thing I want you to know is that growth will disrupt old dynamics. 26:33.993 --> 26:40.594 [SPEAKER_00]: When you change, you start setting boundaries, you're more assertive, you speak your truth, you're not over-functioning anymore. 26:40.614 --> 26:44.225 [SPEAKER_00]: Your relationships are going to renegotiate themselves. 26:44.908 --> 26:46.332 [SPEAKER_00]: Honestly, all of them will. 26:47.037 --> 26:49.322 [SPEAKER_00]: And it either works for them or it doesn't. 26:49.803 --> 26:55.314 [SPEAKER_00]: You'll have some friends who are there for you through that, and they love it because they're also doing the same things themselves. 26:55.755 --> 26:58.560 [SPEAKER_00]: So you both have that feeling of like a mutual agreement. 26:58.600 --> 27:00.604 [SPEAKER_00]: Like we love each other, we got each other. 27:00.624 --> 27:05.434 [SPEAKER_00]: We're always gonna be there for each other, but we understand we're both going through some shifts right now. 27:06.157 --> 27:10.484 [SPEAKER_00]: But there are also friends who are used to the old version of you that will feel unsettled. 27:10.965 --> 27:15.212 [SPEAKER_00]: They might respond with confusion, frustration, or even some like passive resistance. 27:15.974 --> 27:24.188 [SPEAKER_00]: And sometimes like, eventually the friendship is going to drift away because your new boundaries, no longer fit the role you used to play in their life. 27:25.410 --> 27:26.291 [SPEAKER_00]: And it's not just you. 27:26.331 --> 27:29.717 [SPEAKER_00]: This is something called relational inertia. 27:30.254 --> 27:33.879 [SPEAKER_00]: And I have to look this up because this is a very, very common thing. 27:33.899 --> 27:55.030 [SPEAKER_00]: Relational inertia is the tendency for people to remain in existing relationships or continue current relationship trajectories, such as cohabitation or marriage, simply because of the effort or constraints required to change, rather than out of active commitment or satisfaction. 27:55.010 --> 27:58.095 [SPEAKER_00]: This can be with romantic but also with friendships too. 27:58.596 --> 27:59.797 [SPEAKER_00]: Have you ever felt that like? 28:00.218 --> 28:05.807 [SPEAKER_00]: Sometimes people stick around the same front groups all the time because it's like all they've ever known. 28:05.847 --> 28:07.530 [SPEAKER_00]: Really it's like a comfort. 28:08.010 --> 28:14.841 [SPEAKER_00]: And while like a lot of these friendship dynamics are beautiful, it's important to hold on to the ones that are genuine. 28:14.821 --> 28:22.330 [SPEAKER_00]: Good friends, people who genuinely want the best for you, like for real, it's not fake, they really do. 28:22.370 --> 28:24.833 [SPEAKER_00]: It can be kind of rare, right? 28:24.953 --> 28:32.062 [SPEAKER_00]: Because you might find yourself in friendship dynamics, in group settings, and everything where everybody is gossiping about each other. 28:32.082 --> 28:36.347 [SPEAKER_00]: It's like you're in high school again, you, you're brought back to that. 28:37.268 --> 28:43.275 [SPEAKER_00]: That's not good. 28:43.829 --> 28:49.137 [SPEAKER_00]: So if you were always like the flexible, accommodating friend, people got used to that version of you. 28:49.197 --> 28:54.145 [SPEAKER_00]: And when you start to change, there could be tension because it breaks the script of, but they knew of you. 28:54.185 --> 28:57.170 [SPEAKER_00]: But I want to remind you that you're not doing anything wrong. 28:57.230 --> 28:59.033 [SPEAKER_00]: It's actually okay that you're changing. 28:59.093 --> 29:00.555 [SPEAKER_00]: You should be proud of yourself. 29:01.295 --> 29:03.940 [SPEAKER_00]: And most often, more often than not. 29:04.701 --> 29:07.767 [SPEAKER_00]: Emotional reactions are often about them, not about you. 29:07.807 --> 29:10.653 [SPEAKER_00]: So someone is like reacting poorly to your growth. 29:11.134 --> 29:13.218 [SPEAKER_00]: It's not really a reflection of your worth. 29:13.678 --> 29:19.149 [SPEAKER_00]: It could be about like their own discomfort with change, maybe their attachment to the old dynamic, right? 29:19.169 --> 29:20.411 [SPEAKER_00]: Like it's something they're grieving. 29:20.471 --> 29:23.016 [SPEAKER_00]: It's not about you. 29:22.996 --> 29:28.881 [SPEAKER_00]: and also maybe their own ability to tolerate boundary setting, and that was something I never thought about. 29:28.921 --> 29:38.070 [SPEAKER_00]: But it's true, someone could be projecting, maybe like getting offended or getting upset that you are asserting a boundary for whatever it is. 29:38.410 --> 29:43.935 [SPEAKER_00]: Maybe you don't want to drink anymore, maybe you're not really available, so often, as maybe how you used to be. 29:44.315 --> 29:53.003 [SPEAKER_00]: But maybe like a part of them is projecting, because they're like, I haven't really done that myself, and maybe I'm witnessing someone who's starting to do the growth, 29:52.983 --> 29:54.450 [SPEAKER_00]: and it's uncomfortable for them. 29:54.792 --> 29:58.993 [SPEAKER_00]: I feel like that's also a very human reaction. 29:59.918 --> 30:07.826 [SPEAKER_00]: All in all, feeling mixed emotions around your so-called villain era is very, very normal. 30:09.128 --> 30:19.098 [SPEAKER_00]: This doesn't mean you need to have any hatred in your heart, tiny old friendships you've let go of, or relationships, family relationships, whatever it is. 30:19.538 --> 30:24.964 [SPEAKER_00]: Like I said, this is a very personal episode right now, so I am speaking more to like the friend levels. 30:24.944 --> 30:32.175 [SPEAKER_00]: but I can still love and care for a friend and also value the relationship that I used to have with them. 30:32.856 --> 30:36.061 [SPEAKER_00]: But notice those shifts and be okay with the distance. 30:36.422 --> 30:38.505 [SPEAKER_00]: That maybe that's just happening. 30:38.545 --> 30:41.510 [SPEAKER_00]: If something doesn't align with me anymore, that's okay. 30:41.851 --> 30:46.598 [SPEAKER_00]: And if something isn't aligning within anymore, when it comes to me, that's also okay. 30:47.438 --> 30:53.370 [SPEAKER_00]: You can feel really sad about the French Abending, while also knowing in your heart that this is healthy. 30:53.390 --> 30:59.522 [SPEAKER_00]: This is better for your mental health, and you can feel yourself growing outside of that. 30:59.562 --> 31:03.169 [SPEAKER_00]: And you might feel guilt at some points. 31:03.149 --> 31:05.753 [SPEAKER_00]: but that also doesn't mean you actually do anything wrong. 31:06.294 --> 31:22.660 [SPEAKER_00]: I think the gills comes up because you do care and you care about the other person's feelings because of course, if you're choosing to walk away from somebody, even after you explained everything to them, there's going to be a part of you that might feel guilty, was I. 31:22.640 --> 31:23.522 [SPEAKER_00]: to dramatic. 31:23.983 --> 31:25.066 [SPEAKER_00]: Did I overreact? 31:25.748 --> 31:27.954 [SPEAKER_00]: Did I say something that was out of line? 31:28.535 --> 31:37.999 [SPEAKER_00]: At the end of the day, if you express something to someone and you're choosing to go a separate way, you didn't do anything wrong, and it's important to feel 31:38.468 --> 31:40.412 [SPEAKER_00]: assured in those decisions. 31:40.713 --> 31:43.178 [SPEAKER_00]: So just remember, we're all on our healing journey here. 31:43.439 --> 31:49.312 [SPEAKER_00]: I think so many of them for us listeners, when you guys tune in, we can all relate to what we're going through. 31:49.332 --> 31:53.541 [SPEAKER_00]: These are all human experiences and 31:53.521 --> 32:03.220 [SPEAKER_00]: I'm really proud of all of you for tuning in and also being open to hearing my story, but also have discussions with me. 32:03.741 --> 32:11.597 [SPEAKER_00]: It's been nice to talk to other people too about their dynamics through this podcast and how they've even changed. 32:11.577 --> 32:14.441 [SPEAKER_00]: Within a year, you know, we're still very early into 2026. 32:14.661 --> 32:22.672 [SPEAKER_00]: I've talked about how this last year was the year of the snake 2025 and soon we're going to be entering the year of the horse. 32:22.852 --> 32:24.975 [SPEAKER_00]: I believe it's going to start February 17th. 32:25.555 --> 32:36.690 [SPEAKER_00]: So literally, we're a couple weeks away from entering the year of the horse, which is very telling to this episode, I feel, because this villain era almost seems like I'm shedding my 32:36.670 --> 32:52.806 [SPEAKER_00]: The snake, like a snake, I'm shedding some old energy, but I'm ensuring this month with this perspective of not feeling guilty, you know, like guilty for some decisions I'm making, feeling very assured in that and also feeling assured in myself. 32:52.786 --> 33:12.229 [SPEAKER_00]: choosing myself and self-respect is the biggest form of love you can give and never like let anybody take advantage of you, disrespect you, talk about you, behind your back like I'm a big I'm a big believer in like I said, you should confront each other and 33:13.002 --> 33:15.746 [SPEAKER_00]: I think it's the biggest form of respect you can give someone. 33:17.028 --> 33:18.690 [SPEAKER_00]: Of course, we're all human. 33:18.710 --> 33:19.752 [SPEAKER_00]: We're going to make mistakes. 33:19.852 --> 33:22.696 [SPEAKER_00]: Maybe you've said the wrong thing in the past and all that. 33:22.716 --> 33:25.400 [SPEAKER_00]: I'm not going to say anyone is a perfect human. 33:25.440 --> 33:26.903 [SPEAKER_00]: And I most certainly am not. 33:26.943 --> 33:30.047 [SPEAKER_00]: There's lots of things that I need to work on and I currently working on. 33:30.849 --> 33:34.434 [SPEAKER_00]: But I'm a big believer in honesty and being authentic. 33:34.474 --> 33:37.238 [SPEAKER_00]: And that is something I always stand by. 33:37.218 --> 33:39.140 [SPEAKER_00]: Healing does not make you heartless. 33:39.841 --> 33:43.204 [SPEAKER_00]: When you're choosing to be selfish for you, that's not a heartless act. 33:43.724 --> 33:45.846 [SPEAKER_00]: That's okay and maybe it was also necessary. 33:45.886 --> 33:54.234 [SPEAKER_00]: This healing version of you, the healed version of you, is making you unavailable for what hurts you. 33:54.615 --> 33:56.837 [SPEAKER_00]: And on that, that is the end of this episode. 33:57.397 --> 34:04.204 [SPEAKER_00]: I almost felt like it was a healthy venting session for me, but I hope you enjoyed this. 34:04.184 --> 34:14.278 [SPEAKER_00]: If you're an empath and you really do struggle with these things because you really feel what others feel around you this can be really tricky this can be a really hard thing to go through but we're in it together. 34:15.288 --> 34:21.194 [SPEAKER_00]: here for you and I did hope or I do hope you got something for this episode. 34:22.135 --> 34:34.748 [SPEAKER_00]: But if anyone has any questions or wants to DM me, my DMs are open, would love to chat more about how we're going to continue choosing ourselves and how this is going to reflect in the year of the horse. 34:35.609 --> 34:40.013 [SPEAKER_00]: But I will see you all next week and once again, thank you so much for always tuning in. 34:40.274 --> 34:41.515 [SPEAKER_00]: I really really appreciate it.