WEBVTT 00:00.706 --> 00:07.595 [SPEAKER_01]: Our triggers ruining you and your partner's relationship, stay tuned today and learn exactly how to handle them. 00:12.561 --> 00:16.206 [SPEAKER_02]: Hello all and welcome to the Relationship Innovation Podcast. 00:16.346 --> 00:17.968 [SPEAKER_02]: My name is Tara Kerwin. 00:18.288 --> 00:26.098 [SPEAKER_01]: And my name is EJ Kerwin and we are at the culmination of a three-part series around communication. 00:26.218 --> 00:28.401 [SPEAKER_01]: This is going to be a day and a day. 00:28.381 --> 00:29.944 [SPEAKER_01]: really love this one. 00:29.984 --> 00:33.410 [SPEAKER_01]: The first was kind of a simple, what are the do's and don'ts? 00:34.011 --> 00:39.921 [SPEAKER_01]: The second was all about active listening and validation which are incredibly important skills. 00:40.361 --> 00:44.829 [SPEAKER_01]: And so if you haven't listened to that, listen to it, listen to it, listen to it one more time. 00:45.310 --> 00:47.554 [SPEAKER_01]: I'm telling you, it is important stuff. 00:47.974 --> 00:52.482 [SPEAKER_01]: And now today we're going into a really important, it's sort of 00:52.462 --> 00:57.050 [SPEAKER_01]: the heart beat of our model and how we help couples. 00:57.551 --> 01:04.683 [SPEAKER_01]: It's all about triggers and defensiveness, how to slow the whole thing down. 01:05.425 --> 01:16.444 [SPEAKER_01]: Our goal today is to help couples really help individuals 01:16.424 --> 01:18.346 [SPEAKER_01]: hold them apart. 01:18.366 --> 01:18.466 [SPEAKER_01]: Yeah. 01:18.486 --> 01:31.580 [SPEAKER_01]: How to really understand those moments where when you get heated or you withdraw, but like when sort of things happen without you trying to make them happen, they're almost autonomic. 01:31.640 --> 01:40.749 [SPEAKER_01]: And we want to help you deal with those in more healthy ways, understand those moments so that you don't do more damage in your relationship. 01:40.789 --> 01:43.292 [SPEAKER_01]: Because these are the moments where you do a lot of damage. 01:43.272 --> 01:48.317 [SPEAKER_02]: And what we know about this is triggers literally hijack or nervous system. 01:49.238 --> 01:57.567 [SPEAKER_02]: And so logic goes out the window, so you can't have any healthy compromise, connection, or conversations when we are triggered. 01:57.707 --> 02:01.811 [SPEAKER_02]: And I know this sounds funny, but like when we're triggered, our partner is no longer our partner. 02:01.871 --> 02:07.357 [SPEAKER_02]: They are literally registered as the enemy, because our brain goes into flight fight, freeze, fawn, all of those trauma responses. 02:07.417 --> 02:10.140 [SPEAKER_02]: And I'm sure we've talked many about in all of our episodes. 02:10.120 --> 02:26.861 [SPEAKER_02]: but we don't want that for you or for us and we just know personally like when I used to get triggered and I did not understand what was happening I literally saw EJS this awful monster for me that was what it was for me and I felt like an awful lot. 02:26.881 --> 02:33.630 [SPEAKER_02]: And now it's like man we use these tools that we're going to share with you are like golden tool I called it and 02:33.610 --> 02:40.721 [SPEAKER_02]: And it's so amazing because it actually gives us freedom and the ability to connect when we feel so broken, especially during triggers. 02:41.742 --> 02:47.731 [SPEAKER_01]: So the first thing and it's incredibly important is understanding what a trigger is. 02:47.791 --> 02:55.143 [SPEAKER_01]: And we want to spend a little bit of time with this because trigger is definitely a word that's not like foreign anymore. 02:55.203 --> 02:58.287 [SPEAKER_01]: Maybe five, ten years ago people were like, trigger, what are you talking about? 02:58.568 --> 03:00.090 [SPEAKER_01]: But now people use trigger. 03:00.070 --> 03:01.091 [SPEAKER_01]: all the time. 03:01.171 --> 03:10.704 [SPEAKER_01]: But in my opinion, and I think Terra is as well, it's used maybe in a way that doesn't really get at the heart of what it actually is, right? 03:10.984 --> 03:16.051 [SPEAKER_01]: Because you often hear people saying things like, you triggered me, right? 03:16.472 --> 03:29.048 [SPEAKER_01]: As a verb, like it's something that I did deter by raising my voice or looking away at a time where we're in an important conversation, I triggered her. 03:29.028 --> 03:29.368 [SPEAKER_01]: Right? 03:29.529 --> 03:31.751 [SPEAKER_01]: And we want to look at it in a different way. 03:31.811 --> 03:36.417 [SPEAKER_01]: We want to look at trigger more as a noun as something that happened. 03:36.938 --> 03:37.158 [SPEAKER_01]: Right? 03:37.619 --> 03:46.209 [SPEAKER_01]: A trigger is an external stimulus that begins an internal process for me. 03:46.350 --> 03:50.715 [SPEAKER_01]: And one of the things that we function from is that 03:50.813 --> 04:05.987 [SPEAKER_01]: 90% or more of stuff that happens over there with Tara, or things she says, things she looks, actions, she takes those are neutral until I assign value to it, right? 04:05.967 --> 04:13.256 [SPEAKER_01]: And so a trigger is basically an internal emotional alarm that goes on. 04:13.776 --> 04:13.916 [SPEAKER_01]: Right. 04:13.996 --> 04:17.521 [SPEAKER_01]: It's not a character flaw, but it's that something happens. 04:17.561 --> 04:19.903 [SPEAKER_01]: There's this external stimulus over there. 04:20.424 --> 04:29.815 [SPEAKER_01]: Tara doesn't respond when I ask her a question, which then I am triggered, right? 04:29.795 --> 04:37.208 [SPEAKER_01]: because at the end of the day what we're doing is I'm not trying to understand triggers in order to manage terrorist behavior. 04:37.569 --> 04:46.825 [SPEAKER_01]: We might get there eventually to like she might find ways to actively in the moment, but the most empowering thing is I understand 04:46.805 --> 05:03.801 [SPEAKER_01]: that I have been triggered right a little emotional alarm is being set off and I'm going at the fight flight freeze fawn and then I understand what's going on so that I can be more skillful and I can stay within my window of taller. 05:03.781 --> 05:27.240 [SPEAKER_02]: And just to kind of piggyback on this, it's often stems from on-met needs, usually in childhood or past experiences, and maybe current on-met needs in your relationship because some of the underlying emotions under the triggers are like, if you feel criticized, if you feel unimportant, if you feel judged, 05:27.220 --> 05:30.284 [SPEAKER_02]: like if a tone looks like, oh my gosh, he's mad at me. 05:30.324 --> 05:35.771 [SPEAKER_02]: If you feel misunderstood, the trigger is like, like you said, you do, like, that behavior. 05:35.791 --> 05:40.338 [SPEAKER_02]: I felt triggered when this behavior happened instead of you just triggered me. 05:40.678 --> 05:42.300 [SPEAKER_02]: Like that's how we want it to be worded. 05:42.320 --> 05:46.245 [SPEAKER_02]: We'll get more into that when we talk about how to do it and come back and repair it. 05:46.946 --> 05:49.990 [SPEAKER_02]: But when you start looking at it, it's like, okay, what is the trigger? 05:50.051 --> 05:57.160 [SPEAKER_02]: What is the behavior, the tone, the thing that just happened 05:57.140 --> 05:58.021 [SPEAKER_01]: Yeah. 05:58.041 --> 06:06.854 [SPEAKER_01]: And we are talking, it's important, I think, to clarify, like, you know, there are times where you are physically unsafe, you know, where we're like, that's different, right? 06:07.175 --> 06:16.248 [SPEAKER_01]: We're talking about things that still might lead to like very heightened states, or might lead to feelings of a lack of safety. 06:16.709 --> 06:23.198 [SPEAKER_01]: Certainly in our relationship, there's been times where terrors said, like, I don't feel emotionally safe, but it's not because I like, 06:23.178 --> 06:39.145 [SPEAKER_01]: Yeah, chucked a vase against the wall, you know, that's different versus like, you know, even raising your voice, you know, so we're talking about things that do not put you into a place of an actual lack of safety. 06:39.125 --> 06:40.848 [SPEAKER_02]: and two things to recognize us. 06:40.969 --> 06:48.043 [SPEAKER_02]: Each of us, just say the first, and then you can kind of go into the semantics stuff, but you'll know it's a trigger, right? 06:48.243 --> 07:01.048 [SPEAKER_02]: If the response outweighs the stimulus, maybe like the stimulus is like, oh, I see a dirty dish and my husband's standing right next to it, and my response is like total English rage. 07:01.028 --> 07:17.712 [SPEAKER_02]: That if you literally like in your logical brain put those two together my response is much bigger than the stimulus that's a trigger that means something else is happening underneath the hood we call it and you're just going to kind of share about what might happen physically in your body when you get triggered. 07:17.832 --> 07:18.733 [SPEAKER_01]: Yes. 07:18.713 --> 07:48.417 [SPEAKER_01]: So the body is a great place to help you understand I'm actually in a triggered state because one of our goals is that you walk out of this podcast or finish listening to YouTube and watching YouTube is that you have this ability to be like okay like how can I tell when I'm triggered and what is it that I find triggering right and your body is great like I know 07:48.397 --> 07:55.551 [SPEAKER_01]: When I am triggered, like my jaw tights, sometimes I clench my toes, right? 07:55.912 --> 08:00.822 [SPEAKER_01]: Sometimes you might notice your breath gets short, right? 08:01.103 --> 08:03.608 [SPEAKER_01]: You might feel tight in your chest. 08:03.748 --> 08:08.818 [SPEAKER_01]: One thing Tarot talks about is feeling that she feels pressure in her head. 08:08.798 --> 08:26.014 [SPEAKER_01]: Right, so asking yourself like, in those moments of my relationship where it feels like I know I am activated, what are like sort of the first indications that that's happening and body, it is for sure making its way into your body. 08:26.416 --> 08:39.255 [SPEAKER_02]: And before we kind of go into our golden technique, which we love, the couple's cognitive restructuring technique, I wanna just like, in the moment when you are triggered, like just in this moment, right? 08:39.295 --> 08:41.919 [SPEAKER_02]: The first thing you can do is just identify it label it. 08:41.979 --> 08:51.613 [SPEAKER_02]: Oh, I'm feeling defensive right now where I can feel my heart starting to race and you pause and you take a deep breath and I know that sounds super cliche. 08:51.593 --> 09:00.261 [SPEAKER_02]: Two to three deep breaths, which take less than a minute, activate our parasympathetic nervous system, letting your body know you're actually safe. 09:00.821 --> 09:03.203 [SPEAKER_02]: There's no mountain line coming to chase you. 09:03.223 --> 09:05.185 [SPEAKER_02]: There might be a dirty dish, yes. 09:06.587 --> 09:13.433 [SPEAKER_02]: So you take three deep breaths to just regulate your nervous system and let it know you're safe. 09:13.833 --> 09:15.595 [SPEAKER_02]: And then you do an intentional timeout. 09:15.635 --> 09:16.856 [SPEAKER_02]: We call it code word. 09:16.936 --> 09:21.600 [SPEAKER_02]: It's very early on in our relationship renovation model, whether that's in the office and it 09:21.580 --> 09:26.307 [SPEAKER_02]: And a coder is like, I want to continue this, but right now I'm out of my window of tolerance. 09:27.289 --> 09:29.953 [SPEAKER_02]: Nothing I say or do or feel will be okay right now. 09:30.033 --> 09:31.115 [SPEAKER_02]: So give me 10 minutes. 09:31.175 --> 09:33.238 [SPEAKER_02]: Give me 20 minutes and I'll come back to this. 09:33.839 --> 09:35.822 [SPEAKER_02]: And that's when you return and repair. 09:35.862 --> 09:40.750 [SPEAKER_02]: Now we have this amazing activity that exercise this. 09:40.910 --> 09:42.913 [SPEAKER_02]: I don't even know what you call it. 09:42.893 --> 09:47.984 [SPEAKER_02]: to take with you so you can understand what's happening for you and that's what we want to go over next. 09:48.205 --> 09:53.877 [SPEAKER_02]: We'll make it brief but if you do need more information or extensive stuff around it, just reach out to us. 09:53.937 --> 09:57.325 [SPEAKER_02]: I can always send you a copy of what it is in our manual. 09:57.345 --> 10:00.953 [SPEAKER_02]: That way you guys can have it and you can read through it and go step by step. 10:00.933 --> 10:13.705 [SPEAKER_01]: And if you join our Patreon community, which there's a link in every one of our show notes, it will be in even to free members, though it will be a link to an actually like PDF of this so you can download. 10:13.725 --> 10:16.929 [SPEAKER_01]: So this is a great reason to jump over into our Patreon. 10:16.949 --> 10:17.169 [SPEAKER_01]: Yeah. 10:17.189 --> 10:21.273 [SPEAKER_01]: Join for free or join as a full-on member and get all kinds of great benefits. 10:21.753 --> 10:21.853 [SPEAKER_01]: Yeah. 10:21.873 --> 10:24.236 [SPEAKER_01]: But you can go there and you can get this. 10:24.576 --> 10:24.776 [SPEAKER_01]: All right. 10:24.916 --> 10:28.780 [SPEAKER_02]: This technique has saved. 10:28.760 --> 10:30.464 [SPEAKER_02]: our relationship. 10:30.845 --> 10:35.576 [SPEAKER_02]: And it's helped me grow tremendously and it's helped me understand AJ so much better. 10:36.237 --> 10:44.496 [SPEAKER_02]: We just had to go deep with it because as you guys know triggers, they produce very unconscious automatic negative thoughts feelings. 10:44.536 --> 10:47.443 [SPEAKER_02]: Be here as I know you're going to go into this, but yeah, okay, I'll stop. 10:47.423 --> 11:04.369 [SPEAKER_01]: I mean, it has been both a game changer, but also a complete shift for us and how we deal with conflict and by using it, which I'm about to go through, at first it was very much like, 11:04.349 --> 11:10.720 [SPEAKER_01]: You know, we had to like sort of stop right it down, like go through it and come back together and talk about it. 11:10.740 --> 11:16.791 [SPEAKER_01]: But now after years of using it over and over and over, both of us are pretty speedy. 11:16.811 --> 11:27.289 [SPEAKER_01]: And that we can just like take our code word back off, go through it in our own heads, then come back and have really great conversations. 11:27.369 --> 11:27.910 [SPEAKER_01]: And so, 11:27.890 --> 11:39.732 [SPEAKER_02]: Before you start this, just again, if you guys are hearing this right now when you are because you're obviously listening, make sure that first few times you go through this, you're writing it down individually because it really sticks with you. 11:40.253 --> 11:45.443 [SPEAKER_02]: Just takes a few times to write it all down to slow it down, understand what's happening and then you can come back to it. 11:45.592 --> 11:48.715 [SPEAKER_01]: So what makes this process so powerful? 11:48.875 --> 11:51.797 [SPEAKER_01]: Is it normally in a moment where we are triggered? 11:52.658 --> 12:03.608 [SPEAKER_01]: We go into a process that involves us pointing our finger at our partner and telling them what they did wrong and how they need to stop doing it. 12:03.628 --> 12:05.489 [SPEAKER_02]: And if you do it one more time, we're done. 12:05.790 --> 12:14.417 [SPEAKER_01]: The couple's cognitive restructuring technique is a way, instead in that moment, to pause, 12:14.701 --> 12:34.867 [SPEAKER_01]: and to go inward, so that you can go back outwards to your partner, but not in an angry, activated way, but in an open, hearted, vulnerable way that they have the opportunity to learn a lot more about you and for you to really understand what's going on, right? 12:35.528 --> 12:36.129 [SPEAKER_01]: So here we go. 12:36.810 --> 12:40.995 [SPEAKER_01]: Again, it's called the Couples Cognitive Restructuring Technique. 12:40.975 --> 12:52.077 [SPEAKER_01]: So what we do is we, and we walk couples through this when you work directly with us in our coaching program like we will help you learn this and assist you in moving through it. 12:53.320 --> 12:57.448 [SPEAKER_01]: So the first thing is identify the trigger. 12:57.428 --> 13:10.266 [SPEAKER_01]: And again, I try not to add a lot of adjectives like when you were thoughtless and didn't care and didn't listen to a word I said that's like adding a lot of layers. 13:10.326 --> 13:11.087 [SPEAKER_01]: Yeah, right. 13:11.127 --> 13:19.398 [SPEAKER_01]: So I identify the trigger and I write it down in the most like sort of like direct nonjudgmental way. 13:19.438 --> 13:24.465 [SPEAKER_01]: So I might say Tara when I 13:24.445 --> 13:27.829 [SPEAKER_01]: asked a question and you did not respond. 13:27.849 --> 13:29.391 [SPEAKER_02]: So no response was the trigger. 13:29.632 --> 13:32.115 [SPEAKER_01]: So no response to my question is a trigger. 13:32.155 --> 13:36.340 [SPEAKER_01]: Notice it's not like you were thoughtless, you weren't caring, you don't care. 13:36.400 --> 13:38.543 [SPEAKER_01]: It's just the trigger. 13:38.643 --> 13:39.765 [SPEAKER_02]: You just label this question. 13:39.785 --> 13:46.453 [SPEAKER_01]: I asked a question when there was no response that was the trigger, right? 13:46.433 --> 13:57.892 [SPEAKER_01]: then I move the first thing because thoughts drive behavior, thoughts also drive somatic like of the body responses, right? 13:58.533 --> 14:03.181 [SPEAKER_01]: So what are the first thoughts that come into my mind? 14:03.221 --> 14:09.471 [SPEAKER_01]: And Tara especially what she works with when we're coaching is like these thoughts might not be pretty. 14:09.451 --> 14:13.542 [SPEAKER_01]: They are not pretty like I know like for me in this case in this triggers. 14:13.622 --> 14:18.736 [SPEAKER_01]: It's things like are you kidding me But it might be are you kidding me? 14:18.757 --> 14:21.324 [SPEAKER_01]: It might be this is bullshit. 14:21.344 --> 14:24.793 [SPEAKER_01]: You know, it might be she is such 14:24.773 --> 14:33.243 [SPEAKER_01]: you know, and it's just listing like what are the thoughts and they're autonomic again, they're not thoughts that I choose to think. 14:33.263 --> 14:36.507 [SPEAKER_01]: They are just thoughts that happen that happen. 14:36.527 --> 14:39.591 [SPEAKER_01]: There's usually a lot of media and you want to write those down. 14:39.852 --> 14:47.541 [SPEAKER_01]: You want to know those because oftentimes if you are like, I'm really good now, where if I think the thought 14:47.521 --> 15:04.973 [SPEAKER_02]: here we go again or anything that has that tone I know I'm in a triggered state and just really quick my thought and like again we have to be okay to hear these things because we're you're basically saying if you go through this like I'm ready to be some accountable and I want to repair this better and I want to understand what's happening because I don't want this to continue 15:04.953 --> 15:08.198 [SPEAKER_02]: But for me, mine was like, why can't you just protect me? 15:08.238 --> 15:09.360 [SPEAKER_02]: Why can't you just be a man? 15:09.440 --> 15:15.009 [SPEAKER_02]: Like, that was my, and AJ had to be okay hearing that because I'm going through my own process. 15:15.109 --> 15:17.533 [SPEAKER_02]: And again, a lot of these thoughts are ugly. 15:17.573 --> 15:24.083 [SPEAKER_02]: But you have to be able to write them down so you can understand that where you can catch them before and be like, oh, wait. 15:24.123 --> 15:25.726 [SPEAKER_02]: This thought is happening, that means. 15:25.906 --> 15:28.891 [SPEAKER_01]: And you're also taking ownership for them. 15:28.911 --> 15:31.635 [SPEAKER_01]: You're saying, like, look, I think these, 15:31.615 --> 15:37.834 [SPEAKER_01]: these things and it's important that you know it, but I take ownership for the fact that I have them. 15:38.094 --> 15:40.722 [SPEAKER_01]: They are there and you should know them. 15:42.026 --> 15:44.393 [SPEAKER_01]: So I write down my trigger, 15:44.626 --> 15:53.239 [SPEAKER_01]: I write down the thoughts I have and then what comes right after, right, is feelings, right? 15:53.339 --> 15:59.308 [SPEAKER_01]: Is I want to write down what are all of the feelings that I am having in that moment? 15:59.488 --> 16:01.791 [SPEAKER_01]: Oh, I'm feeling rejected. 16:01.811 --> 16:03.874 [SPEAKER_01]: I'm feeling frustrated. 16:03.914 --> 16:06.618 [SPEAKER_01]: I'm feeling unimportant. 16:07.039 --> 16:09.062 [SPEAKER_01]: I'm feeling dismissed. 16:09.202 --> 16:11.966 [SPEAKER_01]: Like again, I want to like, I want to plumb down to it. 16:12.026 --> 16:13.789 [SPEAKER_01]: And if you get stuck 16:13.769 --> 16:16.512 [SPEAKER_01]: on angry and frustrated. 16:16.532 --> 16:24.561 [SPEAKER_01]: I want to encourage you to look at those two emotions as emotives and not emotions. 16:24.581 --> 16:24.801 [SPEAKER_00]: Yeah. 16:24.881 --> 16:27.304 [SPEAKER_01]: They are like, because that's probably what they're seeing. 16:27.324 --> 16:29.446 [SPEAKER_01]: They're probably seeing frustration. 16:29.566 --> 16:32.850 [SPEAKER_01]: They're probably feeling your anger. 16:33.210 --> 16:39.777 [SPEAKER_01]: But you want to like, 16:39.757 --> 16:40.899 [SPEAKER_02]: feeling criticized. 16:41.220 --> 16:50.758 [SPEAKER_01]: You know, whatever it is and and we had there's a you can just type into your Google like a list of emotions if you need help or we have feelings words too. 16:50.858 --> 16:57.411 [SPEAKER_01]: We have feelings will again this is all in our our at home manuals while if you decide to purchase that on Amazon. 16:57.391 --> 16:59.916 [SPEAKER_01]: So then okay, so I've written down my trigger. 16:59.976 --> 17:01.579 [SPEAKER_01]: I know exactly what it was. 17:02.260 --> 17:14.583 [SPEAKER_01]: I have listed my thoughts those and those are my thoughts Like that's the things I think after that trigger state begins then I have all these feelings, right? 17:14.624 --> 17:17.770 [SPEAKER_01]: And then there's what do I do? 17:18.090 --> 17:19.112 [SPEAKER_02]: What is it behavior? 17:19.092 --> 17:20.494 [SPEAKER_01]: Yeah, what's the behavior? 17:20.575 --> 17:29.270 [SPEAKER_01]: And it could be more of an outward behavior like, yeah, I pace or I yell or I criticize. 17:29.290 --> 17:32.435 [SPEAKER_01]: I believe that it could be very subtle. 17:32.535 --> 17:35.380 [SPEAKER_01]: It could be like, I shrink inward. 17:35.360 --> 17:38.267 [SPEAKER_01]: It could be I begin to judge, right? 17:38.367 --> 17:40.251 [SPEAKER_01]: It could be a cognitive process. 17:40.752 --> 17:42.537 [SPEAKER_01]: It could be a physical process. 17:42.897 --> 17:45.303 [SPEAKER_01]: But again, you want to really like label it. 17:45.343 --> 17:48.691 [SPEAKER_01]: Like what do I really do in those moments? 17:48.711 --> 17:52.660 [SPEAKER_01]: Like my teeth and I stare at you, you know? 17:52.640 --> 17:54.182 [SPEAKER_02]: I check out, what does that mean? 17:54.202 --> 18:00.571 [SPEAKER_01]: I build the story of how uncaring and whatever you are, right? 18:00.991 --> 18:11.906 [SPEAKER_01]: So here we've gone, we're going to go one layer deeper here because I look at this as like our expressions is sort of the top of the, what we do is at the top of the iceberg. 18:12.507 --> 18:16.673 [SPEAKER_01]: All of this is diving as deeper and deeper down, right? 18:16.653 --> 18:19.639 [SPEAKER_01]: Here's the other thing is we're separating them, right? 18:19.699 --> 18:23.227 [SPEAKER_01]: Because when it happens it feels like it's just all at once. 18:23.307 --> 18:24.649 [SPEAKER_02]: Yes, I was just gonna say that. 18:24.669 --> 18:28.177 [SPEAKER_01]: Yeah, but instead this is really there are different processes. 18:28.517 --> 18:33.227 [SPEAKER_01]: There are thoughts, there are feelings, there are actions that those are all separate. 18:33.292 --> 18:33.913 [SPEAKER_02]: Yes, they are. 18:33.953 --> 18:34.775 [SPEAKER_02]: Now, that's the thing. 18:34.795 --> 18:42.070 [SPEAKER_02]: This happens so automatically and we're trying to take you through a process where you can slow it down and understand it better. 18:42.090 --> 18:44.315 [SPEAKER_02]: So you have that identifying trigger. 18:44.415 --> 18:45.337 [SPEAKER_02]: You've got the thoughts. 18:45.357 --> 18:46.560 [SPEAKER_02]: You've got the feelings. 18:46.600 --> 18:48.103 [SPEAKER_02]: You've got the actual behavior. 18:48.143 --> 18:51.570 [SPEAKER_02]: If I was a fly on the wall, what would I see or not see? 18:51.550 --> 18:53.973 [SPEAKER_01]: And now we're going deep, deep, deep. 18:54.053 --> 18:56.776 [SPEAKER_01]: This is what's way behind underneath the surface. 18:57.096 --> 19:02.943 [SPEAKER_01]: This is what's really creating that imbalance between the trigger and our response to it. 19:03.643 --> 19:08.509 [SPEAKER_01]: What are the negative core beliefs that are activated in that moment? 19:08.569 --> 19:13.654 [SPEAKER_01]: And again, we have a whole list of them that you can access in our at home manual. 19:14.015 --> 19:15.777 [SPEAKER_01]: And you just go through there and you look at it. 19:15.817 --> 19:17.659 [SPEAKER_01]: It was like, I don't matter. 19:17.719 --> 19:18.840 [SPEAKER_02]: I'm not safe. 19:18.820 --> 19:19.803 [SPEAKER_01]: I'm not saying. 19:19.823 --> 19:20.565 [SPEAKER_02]: I'm insignificant. 19:20.605 --> 19:21.548 [SPEAKER_01]: I'm unimportant. 19:21.588 --> 19:22.430 [SPEAKER_02]: I can't get it right. 19:22.811 --> 19:23.834 [SPEAKER_01]: I'm not lovable. 19:24.095 --> 19:25.218 [SPEAKER_02]: I'm not a priority. 19:25.238 --> 19:25.418 [SPEAKER_01]: Yeah. 19:25.518 --> 19:26.160 [SPEAKER_02]: There's so many. 19:26.220 --> 19:27.584 [SPEAKER_01]: And you write them down. 19:28.005 --> 19:34.062 [SPEAKER_01]: What I do as well, especially with someone I'm coaching, is I say, say it out loud. 19:34.868 --> 19:39.734 [SPEAKER_01]: Because generally there's one of them, though when you say it aloud, I don't matter. 19:40.014 --> 19:44.019 [SPEAKER_01]: And it just hits you and it's like, oh my gosh. 19:44.319 --> 19:45.701 [SPEAKER_01]: And I'm like, circle that one. 19:46.242 --> 19:46.862 [SPEAKER_01]: That's the one. 19:46.902 --> 19:55.913 [SPEAKER_01]: That's the one that when you say it, even just saying it here and I'm not even processing through something really, I feel it in my heart. 19:55.953 --> 19:59.037 [SPEAKER_01]: I feel like a heaviness of like, that's the one. 19:59.101 --> 20:16.749 [SPEAKER_02]: And know that there's usually like two to three that are operating at any moment throughout all of the conflicts you've had in your life because we usually develop these beliefs early on not intentionally, but because as kids were trying to make sense of the world, right? 20:16.789 --> 20:22.157 [SPEAKER_02]: So know that there's usually about two or three, but you do want to try to find that one in that moment like that's it. 20:22.197 --> 20:25.783 [SPEAKER_02]: Like I can't get anything right or I'm not safe. 20:25.763 --> 20:37.238 [SPEAKER_01]: And so once you've identified, okay, that's the negative core but we for two that's really being exposed in this moment, then you want to do a little bit like, when are other times in my life? 20:37.718 --> 20:49.013 [SPEAKER_01]: And you want us, you can start out within your primary relationship and you can be like, well, it reminds me of this time five years ago, those like really important were really needed this and I didn't get it. 20:49.033 --> 20:50.995 [SPEAKER_01]: It was such a let down. 20:50.975 --> 20:54.081 [SPEAKER_01]: And then I want to go, okay, well, how about before Tara? 20:54.923 --> 20:55.003 [SPEAKER_01]: Hmm. 20:55.023 --> 21:05.864 [SPEAKER_01]: Well, gosh, like, you know, there were all these times in my 20s where this happened and it just left me feeling like nobody really, I didn't matter, nobody cared. 21:06.786 --> 21:11.095 [SPEAKER_01]: Okay, let's go even farther back, like, what's the time of my teenage years? 21:11.175 --> 21:12.257 [SPEAKER_01]: And then eventually, 21:12.237 --> 21:37.384 [SPEAKER_01]: into like really young like into my elementary school years and you go back and you start to realize and then this is even better when you come to your partner talk about it because this is a a great opportunity for empathy and care and deeper understanding of why your partner is reacting in this way is like man I have been feeling this way for a long time. 21:37.465 --> 21:43.453 [SPEAKER_02]: And we usually again develop that belief early on to make sense of the world to protect ourselves. 21:43.913 --> 21:49.060 [SPEAKER_02]: But when it starts to end up getting triggered in our adult relationships and we don't understand it. 21:49.180 --> 21:51.783 [SPEAKER_02]: Again, it's just hitting this on-met wound. 21:51.843 --> 21:57.591 [SPEAKER_01]: We have a child and we think that our partner is the one person in the world who won't make us feel that way. 21:57.931 --> 22:01.455 [SPEAKER_01]: That way we don't want to feel, we felt so long in our life. 22:01.836 --> 22:05.120 [SPEAKER_01]: And when they do it too, we're like, are you kidding me? 22:05.220 --> 22:06.662 [SPEAKER_01]: You know, it's just this. 22:06.642 --> 22:10.990 [SPEAKER_01]: That's what makes these moments so fracturing, right? 22:11.010 --> 22:20.248 [SPEAKER_01]: But if you know, then you have this next step of realizing, and this gets at the heart of our work as well, is like, our relationship can be our greatest teacher. 22:20.669 --> 22:23.253 [SPEAKER_01]: It can be the vehicle to becoming our best selves. 22:23.654 --> 22:25.277 [SPEAKER_01]: Like, this is the wound I have to heal. 22:25.297 --> 22:26.760 [SPEAKER_01]: I do matter. 22:26.740 --> 22:27.641 [SPEAKER_02]: Yes, you should check it out. 22:27.661 --> 22:34.009 [SPEAKER_01]: What is the positive core belief that you need to work on? 22:34.149 --> 22:34.609 [SPEAKER_01]: Yes. 22:34.629 --> 22:37.213 [SPEAKER_01]: And the apartment might support you in that work. 22:37.513 --> 22:41.498 [SPEAKER_01]: But at the end of the day, the only person healing my negative core beliefs. 22:41.898 --> 22:42.539 [SPEAKER_02]: Yep. 22:42.559 --> 22:42.739 [SPEAKER_01]: Me. 22:43.280 --> 22:43.420 [SPEAKER_01]: Yep. 22:43.600 --> 22:47.685 [SPEAKER_01]: And it's certainly the most empowering approach to healing. 22:47.665 --> 23:09.859 [SPEAKER_02]: And of course, we have a list of all the positive core beliefs and the ways to restructure the negative core beliefs, but it's that like, yeah, I am significant, even though we're having this conflict right now and I feel triggered, like, I'm safe, I'm significant, it's great when EJ right after we share each other's exercise that we did, he comes back at, yeah, absolutely you are significant or EJ, you do get it right. 23:09.839 --> 23:22.081 [SPEAKER_01]: Or I can understand then if I trigger her lack of safety because I'm raising my voice because the kids aren't listening to me in the morning and it's safe being prideful and defensive and I'm like, oh, right. 23:22.101 --> 23:30.717 [SPEAKER_01]: Honey, I get it, yeah, you are safe and I'm using that as a tool to get the kids to do it they want, but I totally understand and I'm gonna be mindful of that. 23:30.950 --> 23:44.444 [SPEAKER_02]: So this exercise is all about having a strategy to understand your own triggers, have a system of writing it down to explore what's happening, being your own detective, somatically cognitively. 23:44.464 --> 23:48.068 [SPEAKER_02]: Then you come back to your partner and you're like, can I share this? 23:48.188 --> 23:50.871 [SPEAKER_02]: Like, this is what was happening for me in this moment. 23:51.352 --> 23:57.278 [SPEAKER_02]: And the hope is that your partner is an active listener, heart with ears, Michael Singer calls it, right? 23:57.258 --> 24:03.906 [SPEAKER_02]: like there's no like I can't believe you thought that about no there's no that is like like your part no makes perfect sense you would think. 24:03.946 --> 24:09.392 [SPEAKER_02]: Yeah and then we start to understand each other but I like I know when we get into fights a lot of E.J. 24:09.412 --> 24:26.151 [SPEAKER_02]: is negative Corbolisa or I can't be me and I can't get it right but I know that that's not true and so we just keep getting better at better at our triggers our repair comes quicker my understanding of myself is better in that moment I 24:26.131 --> 24:36.707 [SPEAKER_02]: So that is the whole purpose of just giving you guys a system that takes really less in 10 minutes and you learn so much about yourself and you heal your old wounds. 24:37.108 --> 24:53.893 [SPEAKER_02]: You can't go back when you're 8 or 9 and make things safe, but you can be your adult self now and recognize that your little girl, little guys wounded and you're like repairing them in healthy ways so you can get that healthy regulated nervous system. 24:54.667 --> 25:19.361 [SPEAKER_02]: So really, after listening to this, we just really hope that you understand that your feelings are owned and they're validated and your partners' feelings are all okay and accepted, that you understand your defensiveness, you understand better, your partners' defensiveness, it's named, it's caught more quickly, that validation comes first before trying to like dig your heels and get into your own story. 25:19.862 --> 25:20.823 [SPEAKER_02]: That was our part two. 25:20.903 --> 25:24.268 [SPEAKER_02]: It's so important and it's 25:24.248 --> 25:27.011 [SPEAKER_02]: And that repair happens sooner now, right? 25:27.071 --> 25:33.859 [SPEAKER_02]: The more you do these exercises and listen to all of these tools and tips, repair comes sooner. 25:33.899 --> 25:40.607 [SPEAKER_02]: We've had couples that would three, four, five days be in this place of silence. 25:40.627 --> 25:42.990 [SPEAKER_02]: And now it's like, oh, within 30 minutes. 25:43.190 --> 25:45.192 [SPEAKER_02]: And that's like within three months. 25:45.313 --> 25:49.918 [SPEAKER_02]: Can you imagine repairs coming so much sooner, how much life would feel so much? 25:49.898 --> 25:58.903 [SPEAKER_02]: It's already unmanageable, right, but when you and your partner can start getting it right and feeling empowered in it together, like life is less stressful, trust me. 25:58.923 --> 26:05.882 [SPEAKER_01]: I mean, at the heart of this, we want you to really hear, is that a healthy relationship, 26:05.862 --> 26:12.971 [SPEAKER_01]: healthy communication isn't about never being triggered because that's impossible. 26:13.531 --> 26:31.313 [SPEAKER_01]: A healthy relationship, a secure attachment, healthy communication is about understanding your triggers, about being able to use your triggers as a way to get down in touch with what's really going on, 26:31.293 --> 27:00.422 [SPEAKER_01]: then having a healthy way to communicate it to your partner and then having your partner have the communication skills to actively listen, to validate your experience so that you guys are together in your growth and that's where and we're experiencing this really honestly in the last like just couple years where we're seeing like we're closer than ever. 27:00.402 --> 27:02.646 [SPEAKER_01]: because it is conflict better. 27:02.706 --> 27:04.108 [SPEAKER_01]: We still have conflict. 27:04.709 --> 27:20.976 [SPEAKER_01]: I still get triggered, terror gets triggered, but it's lost a certain quality of out-of-controlness and the whole like duration, intensity, frequency, they're all down. 27:21.293 --> 27:28.268 [SPEAKER_02]: So just know this, if you're taking anything with you, you don't need perfect communication, that does not exist. 27:28.448 --> 27:37.227 [SPEAKER_02]: And if it does, we wanna hear from you, we wanna interview on our podcast, you need repairable communication, which is doable. 27:37.207 --> 27:38.249 [SPEAKER_02]: Thank you for listening. 27:38.329 --> 27:43.338 [SPEAKER_02]: If you need any of this stuff, we're going to plug it into our Patreon membership for our Patreon community. 27:43.378 --> 27:46.424 [SPEAKER_01]: I'm telling you it is an amazing resource for on it. 27:46.484 --> 27:52.996 [SPEAKER_01]: Literally every day interacting with you guys, giving you tips, putting up good stuff. 27:53.136 --> 27:54.278 [SPEAKER_01]: It's it's awesome. 27:54.579 --> 27:56.262 [SPEAKER_01]: Become a part of the Patreon community. 27:56.242 --> 28:11.186 [SPEAKER_02]: And also, again, if you guys think a lot of you know our relationship renovation at how manuals now available on Amazon for 2499, it has all of the stuff, all of this stuff and we're here to support you, but as always, thank you so much for listening, take care of yourself, take care of each other. 28:11.366 --> 28:22.384 [SPEAKER_00]: Bye-bye.