[SPEAKER_00]: Hello, good morning, and welcome back, or welcome to Morning Ray.
[SPEAKER_00]: I'm your host, Alana, or Lann.
[SPEAKER_00]: Today's episode is something that I've been sitting on for a hot minute.
[SPEAKER_00]: You guys always ask me in my Askland advice columns on the pod on socials.
[SPEAKER_00]: I swear the most amounts of questions are geared towards you guys wanting to know, like, okay, if I'm dating, like,
[SPEAKER_00]: dating advice this, dating advice that, and all of it.
[SPEAKER_00]: So I thought together, I could consolidate.
[SPEAKER_00]: Essentially, if I was single again, God forbid, I hope I'm never single again, in my entire life.
[SPEAKER_00]: But if I was single again, this is how I...
[SPEAKER_00]: would date.
[SPEAKER_00]: And this is essentially what I did last year and I think I was pretty successful and finding my boyfriend and being in a healthy, happy relationship now.
[SPEAKER_00]: I decided let's put an episode together.
[SPEAKER_00]: Let's essentially make
[SPEAKER_00]: A dating for dummies, guidebook, hot girl 101.
[SPEAKER_00]: How to successfully date?
[SPEAKER_00]: And I think my qualifications are I was the chronically, is it chronically?
[SPEAKER_00]: Yes, chronically single friend for forever.
[SPEAKER_00]: I was always in an out of situation chips.
[SPEAKER_00]: And I had to hop it up picking emotionally unavailable partners now that we look back and reflect.
[SPEAKER_00]: This is what I change, and this is how I broke the pattern, truly made things work finally and battered my relationship with myself in the process.
[SPEAKER_00]: So tune in, open up your notebook, grab your pen and paper, and let's get right into it.
[SPEAKER_00]: Okay.
[SPEAKER_00]: So, this might seem a little counterintuitive, but I want you to actually be single.
[SPEAKER_00]: Break the freaking cycle stopping desperate.
[SPEAKER_00]: You don't need a man, a partner, whoever, for 30 days at minimum.
[SPEAKER_00]: I want you to delete your dating apps.
[SPEAKER_00]: I want you to not be initiating.
[SPEAKER_00]: So, no liking stories, no sliding, and on stories, no sliding into DMs, no texting, the guy that's always in your chat, you know?
[SPEAKER_00]: I know you know the one.
[SPEAKER_00]: literally like you're on a cleanse.
[SPEAKER_00]: You're on a you're on a male dating cleanse, okay?
[SPEAKER_00]: And I really want you to get comfortable with being truly alone.
[SPEAKER_00]: Not getting any sort of serotonin from a DM a notification from a boy, a snapchat, whatever it is.
[SPEAKER_00]: I want you to truly get so comfortable with being alone that it becomes the best thing ever.
[SPEAKER_00]: It is your saving grace.
[SPEAKER_00]: It is something you love.
[SPEAKER_00]: It is something you are proud of.
[SPEAKER_00]: You are proud of your independence.
[SPEAKER_00]: Your ability to be alone.
[SPEAKER_00]: Not hyper-independence.
[SPEAKER_00]: We can still rely on our friends and our family and whatnot.
[SPEAKER_00]: We're still
[SPEAKER_00]: open to meeting people and I'll get to that in a little bit, but I really want you to focus on doing your boy clans, your dating clans.
[SPEAKER_00]: Really get comfortable with being alone.
[SPEAKER_00]: Make decisions on your own.
[SPEAKER_00]: Do things on your own.
[SPEAKER_00]: Make your own opinions and learn how to voice them.
[SPEAKER_00]: Truly become
[SPEAKER_00]: your own best friend, and in doing so, start the act of creating a truly fulfilling life and don't lie to yourself about it.
[SPEAKER_00]: Be interesting, build your resume as a human, hobbies outside of eating and drinking.
[SPEAKER_00]: What are you doing your spare time?
[SPEAKER_00]: What makes you an interesting person?
[SPEAKER_00]: What brings you joy?
[SPEAKER_00]: Like, take the time to be curious, to try new things, to be adventurous,
[SPEAKER_00]: and to really get comfortable with being alone and with that also prioritizing your relationships with friends and family and also your career.
[SPEAKER_00]: What I really did at the beginning of last year like literally I decided, January 1st, we're going 30 days, no initiating, no dating apps, no nothing, and I was really going to just like truly focus on myself for the first time ever.
[SPEAKER_00]: I used to think that I was doing it before, but I would always be, you know, snapchatting a guy, or talking to a guy here and they're on Instagram DMs, or texting, there was always like someone that was giving me some sort of validation.
[SPEAKER_00]: I really encouraged myself that every single time I had this thought come forward to reach out to a guy or to message someone for whatever it is that I was seeking, usually was some sort of validation that like, I'm hot, I'm wanted, you know, that kind of thing.
[SPEAKER_00]: can I give myself the validation and set?
[SPEAKER_00]: Can I give that to myself and set?
[SPEAKER_00]: And if not, can I learn how to give that to myself?
[SPEAKER_00]: What is it that I'm actually seeking from this other person?
[SPEAKER_00]: Most of the time we just want validation.
[SPEAKER_00]: We want validation that we're attractive, that we're wanted, that we can be loved, that we're lovable.
[SPEAKER_00]: When you learn how to give it to yourself,
[SPEAKER_00]: you stop seeking it from anyone and to whoever, you know, you learn how to give it to yourself, you learn to be okay on your own, you learn how to validate your choices.
[SPEAKER_00]: I always, when I had that inkling, that thought, that desire to text someone for whatever it was,
[SPEAKER_00]: I asked myself one, how would it feel if they did an answer?
[SPEAKER_00]: I probably would feel shitty or embarrassed, almost, or fully embarrassed, if we're being honest.
[SPEAKER_00]: Two, if they did answer, would they actually give me that fulfillment, that validation that I was seeking for, or I could just knowingly not text them, know that I could 100% give it to myself instead and turn my energy inwards instead of looking for it outwards.
[SPEAKER_00]: the more and more that I did that, the easier it started to come to me and I didn't really have to have that counteractive action thought process as much anymore.
[SPEAKER_00]: I stopped wanting to message men.
[SPEAKER_00]: I stopped wanting to seek out validation from the bare minimum.
[SPEAKER_00]: This really isn't coming
[SPEAKER_00]: mindset perspective.
[SPEAKER_00]: I think letting go of the I hate men perspective is actually what allowed me to one truthfully fall back in love with myself and to make me emotionally available and attractive to guys today.
[SPEAKER_00]: Guys don't like the energy of women who hate men and our anti-men
[SPEAKER_00]: But the I hate men narrative mindset, energy is the reason you're single.
[SPEAKER_00]: It's one of the reasons I hate to break it to you and I'm all about girl power and men suck and all of that whatever.
[SPEAKER_00]: But the I hate men is what's literally holding you back from meeting your ideal partner.
[SPEAKER_00]: Date yourself.
[SPEAKER_00]: like take yourself on a coffee date, a shopping date, a park date, a walk, a workout, dinner, drinks, like learn how to date yourself by yourself flowers.
[SPEAKER_00]: I still buy myself flowers.
[SPEAKER_00]: I'm in a relationship.
[SPEAKER_00]: My boyfriend gets me flowers too, but I love going and picking up my favorite bouquet of flowers.
[SPEAKER_00]: I love tulips.
[SPEAKER_00]: I love white roses.
[SPEAKER_00]: There's a really cute little bodega situation.
[SPEAKER_00]: on Queen Street and I go and get a bouquet and they're honestly, they're like 30 bucks.
[SPEAKER_00]: It's on expensive.
[SPEAKER_00]: But date yourself instead, stop waiting for a partner to do the things.
[SPEAKER_00]: If you want to go travel somewhere, go on a solo trip.
[SPEAKER_00]: All my solo trips have been the most rewarding experiences ever and I have learned so much about myself and have strengthened my relationship
[SPEAKER_00]: The perception of myself and how I feel on my own skin, I really do think, me going to London and New York and LA and all these solo trips really were pivotal moments and my life sometimes also taking yourself out of your day to day environment, your day to day routine can really help you see yourself and your life and what you want to do with it from a different perspective, from a different lens.
[SPEAKER_00]: On the topic of stopping yourself from seeking male validation and learning how to give it to yourself instead, I was pretty much celibate for all of the six months until I met my boyfriend.
[SPEAKER_00]: Sure, maybe I kissed a guy here in there in a bar or whatever it was or on a date of first kiss.
[SPEAKER_00]: I stopped casually hooking up.
[SPEAKER_00]: I stopped having meaningless hookups.
[SPEAKER_00]: Maybe that's a little TMI to reveal on the internet, but it truly was the best decision I ever made.
[SPEAKER_00]: I realized I started to feel really shitty at first it with Alton Powering to now hook up to do whatever I wanted to do.
[SPEAKER_00]: But then I started to feel really shitty.
[SPEAKER_00]: I didn't like how I felt afterwards.
[SPEAKER_00]: I didn't like how my interaction results.
[SPEAKER_00]: I didn't like how sex something that is supposed to be so intimate and meaningful was turning into this numbing.
[SPEAKER_00]: I just stopped.
[SPEAKER_00]: I just like I had no desire for it.
[SPEAKER_00]: And I knew that the next time I was gonna go home with someone or hook up with someone, I wanted it to be someone.
[SPEAKER_00]: that I was super confident that I could see a future way.
[SPEAKER_00]: And maybe that's old school, I don't know, but I really do think one, it improves my relationship with myself and to it raised my standards even more.
[SPEAKER_00]: It raised the bar as to who had that access and that privilege to get to know me in that way, to get to be intimate in that way.
[SPEAKER_00]: It really was another kind of monumental pivotal moment
[SPEAKER_00]: and decision that I really do think had a lasting and compounding impact on how I viewed myself, how I moved when it came time to date again.
[SPEAKER_00]: And what ultimately led me to being in a now successful,
[SPEAKER_00]: relationship, a happy relationship with my boyfriend, with that stop texting the guy who you know isn't going to date you who is just looking for fun in games and wants to hook up, stop giving your energy to people who aren't meeting you the way that you want to be met.
[SPEAKER_00]: And I'm going to get into this a little bit more when we talk on the part about when you're ready today,
[SPEAKER_00]: Just stop texting people for the sake of it.
[SPEAKER_00]: Like, stop, seek that's fat.
[SPEAKER_00]: You're wanting validation.
[SPEAKER_00]: You're wanting that serotonin hit.
[SPEAKER_00]: Talk to your friends.
[SPEAKER_00]: Your friends can give you way more than what some shitty man can do.
[SPEAKER_00]: I want you to remember that the grass isn't actually greener on the other side.
[SPEAKER_00]: Focus on watering your own grass.
[SPEAKER_00]: And I promise you it will reward you by choosing to focus on yourself as opposed to comparing yourself.
[SPEAKER_00]: to other girls, to other people and relationships.
[SPEAKER_00]: I want to bring it to your attention, and I'm sure you know a lot of the people that you know that are in relationships are settling.
[SPEAKER_00]: They're settling so that they don't have to be alone.
[SPEAKER_00]: Most of the time those relationships are never exactly what they,
[SPEAKER_00]: fully want and what they desire and what they picture for themselves and they end up settling.
[SPEAKER_00]: So, just remind yourself the grass isn't always greener on the other side.
[SPEAKER_00]: Truly just focus on watering your own grass, focus on you, focusing on nurturing your relationship with yourself and decentering men, decentering men, decentering dating, and I promise you it will reward you.
[SPEAKER_00]: As someone who decided to flip the switch, really changed the way that she dated and the way that she viewed herself last year, I can confidently say that it is one of the best decisions that I ever made.
[SPEAKER_00]: The only way to change things is to change the way that you're moving.
[SPEAKER_00]: The little things that you do every single day, they have a compounding impact.
[SPEAKER_00]: How can you expect
[SPEAKER_00]: for things to have a different outcome.
[SPEAKER_00]: If your actions, your steps, your mindset are the same as they were before.
[SPEAKER_00]: It's not gonna happen.
[SPEAKER_00]: It's not gonna change until you change.
[SPEAKER_00]: Now, when you're in this being actually single stage of your life, I don't want you to be completely closed off to dating.
[SPEAKER_00]: I just don't want you to
[SPEAKER_00]: seek it out.
[SPEAKER_00]: So if you are going out with the girls and you're going to a bar or for dinner and or maybe you're going to like a house party or a house dinner and other people are there.
[SPEAKER_00]: Someone approaches you and you're talking to them and it feels really good.
[SPEAKER_00]: The banter is there, the chemistry is there, whatever it is and they ask you out.
[SPEAKER_00]: If, again, it feels like it's aligned and you're being asked out in the way that you want to be asked out, et cetera, et cetera, I'll get more into this a bit later.
[SPEAKER_00]: Don't just close it down because you're on your 30 days, no initiating, no, you're being actual single.
[SPEAKER_00]: I mean, shut it down if you don't feel it aligns, but you can still be open to people approaching you.
[SPEAKER_00]: You can still have conversations with my n-person.
[SPEAKER_00]: You're not like anti-man.
[SPEAKER_00]: Again, ditch the anti-man mindset.
[SPEAKER_00]: Still be open, but don't go seeking it out kind of thing.
[SPEAKER_00]: Be like, withhold the mindset of, I attract.
[SPEAKER_00]: I'm the prize, I attract, who I'm meant to attract kind of thing.
[SPEAKER_00]: Okay.
[SPEAKER_00]: your husband list.
[SPEAKER_00]: I'm sure you've heard this before.
[SPEAKER_00]: I'm sure this is nothing new, but I really do think that this is super important.
[SPEAKER_00]: Grab your journal, maybe you'll pause the podcast after I'm done explaining, get very granular, very specific.
[SPEAKER_00]: And ask yourself, who is my dream partner, my dream husband?
[SPEAKER_00]: Who are they?
[SPEAKER_00]: What are they wearing?
[SPEAKER_00]: What do they look like?
[SPEAKER_00]: What is their story?
[SPEAKER_00]: How do I want to feel when I'm with them?
[SPEAKER_00]: How do I want a relationship to look like?
[SPEAKER_00]: How do I want a future to look like?
[SPEAKER_00]: What is our future life look like together?
[SPEAKER_00]: Really, really get specific.
[SPEAKER_00]: Surface level, more vanity standpoint things, deeper, more personal, emotional intelligence, personality, career, morals, values, all of it.
[SPEAKER_00]: Like, get so granular.
[SPEAKER_00]: You can either do a list, like a, just jot it down, or you can just do a mind dump.
[SPEAKER_00]: getting really specific about who this person is, how they make you feel, what your relationship looks like.
[SPEAKER_00]: When you're ready to date, you're gonna keep this husband list front to mind.
[SPEAKER_00]: You're gonna date with intention.
[SPEAKER_00]: And now, we're not gonna cut people off so quickly if they don't match this list perfectly, they're not gonna check off every box, they're human, they're not AI, okay?
[SPEAKER_00]: but I really want you to remember this list and I don't want you to settle for anything less than your non-negotiables.
[SPEAKER_00]: Like figure out what your non-negotiables are on this list really lead with the energy that your list entails.
[SPEAKER_00]: So for example, if you really want a partner that is super communicative and straightforward with you and a healthy and natural normal way,
[SPEAKER_00]: I want you to lead with that.
[SPEAKER_00]: When it's appropriate to communicate feelings and whatnot, I want you to communicate them.
[SPEAKER_00]: Don't be afraid to voice an opinion.
[SPEAKER_00]: When you feel it is appropriate.
[SPEAKER_00]: Obviously, I still think there is a little bit of a game that needs to be played in the early stages of dating.
[SPEAKER_00]: You don't want to show all your cards, you know.
[SPEAKER_00]: You don't want to give too much all at once.
[SPEAKER_00]: You slowly, it's a slow burn.
[SPEAKER_00]: Really remember your list.
[SPEAKER_00]: Only go out with people who ask and communicate with you in the way that you want to be asked out.
[SPEAKER_00]: Be honest with yourself.
[SPEAKER_00]: You can tell if a guy is just kind of stringing you along once like a friend's with benefits, situation is too nonchalant, like that kind of vibe.
[SPEAKER_00]: You can differentiate him from someone who asks you out.
[SPEAKER_00]: It's super intentional.
[SPEAKER_00]: Shows their intentions with you.
[SPEAKER_00]: They're interested in you.
[SPEAKER_00]: It gives you a time, place, location.
[SPEAKER_00]: Maybe they send you a calendar invite.
[SPEAKER_00]: You can tell.
[SPEAKER_00]: You can tell the difference between the person that is ready.
[SPEAKER_00]: Today it that is interested in you.
[SPEAKER_00]: versus the guy that you think is hot, but is giving you no time of day.
[SPEAKER_00]: So be honest with yourself.
[SPEAKER_00]: Be so truthfully honest, and this is so much easier to do.
[SPEAKER_00]: When you gone through the process of actually being single and learning to love yourself and being comfortable with being alone, because you're only going to let in people that you feel are worthwhile and are meeting you where you want to be met, right?
[SPEAKER_00]: So with that said, I think our three-day rule is really important.
[SPEAKER_00]: I think around three dates is usually a good rule of thumb to know if you kind of see something more with them, more than the three dates.
[SPEAKER_00]: And I'm not saying that you need to know whether this person is going to be your husband, your boyfriend, whoever, by the third date.
[SPEAKER_00]: No, that's, you won't necessarily know that, per se.
[SPEAKER_00]: Like even when I think back to where my boyfriend and I were at right before we meet things official versus where we are now.
[SPEAKER_00]: Like I know so much more about him now.
[SPEAKER_00]: And I can see
[SPEAKER_00]: the future is so much more clearly, based off of what I have learned since we become official.
[SPEAKER_00]: But I think you pretty much have a good gauge, a good gut instinct.
[SPEAKER_00]: He is to lean into your gut instinct and by allowing yourself to be fully single and learning more about yourself, you get back in tune with that gut instinct and you learn not to go against it.
[SPEAKER_00]: You know as someone is your person, your vibe,
[SPEAKER_00]: off of the first few times in meeting them.
[SPEAKER_00]: Sometimes even the first time.
[SPEAKER_00]: So, use the 3-day rule if by 3 dates, if it's not a hell yes, then it's a hell no.
[SPEAKER_00]: Don't make excuses for him.
[SPEAKER_00]: If you wanted to, he would.
[SPEAKER_00]: I'm an anti-ghost girl.
[SPEAKER_00]: So, whether it's one date, two dates, three dates, six dates, ten dates, whatever it is.
[SPEAKER_00]: If you are no longer interested, communicate that.
[SPEAKER_00]: You would not want to be ghosted.
[SPEAKER_00]: Lead in the way that you want to be treated.
[SPEAKER_00]: Again,
[SPEAKER_00]: you can communicate being the killer cool girl is not going to get you anywhere as someone who is a retired killer cool girl, I'm pretty chill and cool still, but I know I want to stand up to voice what I need, even if it's scary to me and still intimidating we're working on it, but
[SPEAKER_00]: Again, lead in the way that you want to be treated.
[SPEAKER_00]: You would not want to be ghosted.
[SPEAKER_00]: I think the energy put out is the energy we attract.
[SPEAKER_00]: And I think good karma returns with good karma, bad karma returns with bad karma.
[SPEAKER_00]: Karma, so just remember that.
[SPEAKER_00]: Just because he is being nice and checks off a lot of your boxes, doesn't mean you need to keep seeing him.
[SPEAKER_00]: If you feel like something is not there,
[SPEAKER_00]: and they don't feel like your person trust your gut instinct.
[SPEAKER_00]: You will know when you know, I promise you.
[SPEAKER_00]: Like, I will promise you so hard that you will know the two guys that I went out with right before I met my boyfriend.
[SPEAKER_00]: They were great guys.
[SPEAKER_00]: They treated me exactly how I wanted to be treated.
[SPEAKER_00]: They did all the things.
[SPEAKER_00]: One of them even brought me flowers.
[SPEAKER_00]: Like, they planned the dates.
[SPEAKER_00]: They were created with their dates.
[SPEAKER_00]: I had a lot of fun with them, but they just didn't feel like my person.
[SPEAKER_00]: And I think past me, what have continued to keep seeing them because I'm like, no, they're checking off a lot of my boxes, they're really nice.
[SPEAKER_00]: We have fun together.
[SPEAKER_00]: So I should like them.
[SPEAKER_00]: But you shouldn't have to convince yourself.
[SPEAKER_00]: You will truly know if someone is your person, like really lean into that gut instinct.
[SPEAKER_00]: Know your boundaries and your value, set this early on.
[SPEAKER_00]: How you treat yourself?
[SPEAKER_00]: is how others will treat you.
[SPEAKER_00]: So remember that, you need a time in place.
[SPEAKER_00]: You need advanced notice.
[SPEAKER_00]: Yes, sometimes once you've been seeing them a few times, you can do more spontaneous things, last minute things, kind of thing.
[SPEAKER_00]: But know your value and set your boundaries and learn how to communicate those boundaries and hold to them.
[SPEAKER_00]: Don't let people just walk all over you.
[SPEAKER_00]: I know when we get into a new relationship, when we start seeing people, whatever it is, and whatever point it is, in the early on stages, it can feel like a rush.
[SPEAKER_00]: You want to kind of see them all the time, you want to talk to them all the time.
[SPEAKER_00]: And that is amazing, you should want that.
[SPEAKER_00]: But I think a slow burn is so important and it's so important to pace yourself, pace both of you, and to not rush into things too quickly because I think when we rush into things too quickly and we do too much all at once, and not necessarily like a love bomb, but
[SPEAKER_00]: Just like moving way too quickly, seeing each other too frequently, talking all the time, having too much access to one another.
[SPEAKER_00]: It almost sets you up for failure.
[SPEAKER_00]: When I worked at Lula, man, we used to say, move what was this?
[SPEAKER_00]: I can't even think of the phrase, the quote, the saying, oh, slow down to speed up.
[SPEAKER_00]: When we go super fast, we rush things, things fall, we make mistakes, all of it.
[SPEAKER_00]: and it ends up having negative consequences down the line, and I think a lot of people kind of forget that when we get into relationships and start dating people, I think the most successful things in life are slow burns.
[SPEAKER_00]: You do not need to be texting the person you have started to see that you go out on one date with, that you have a date with 247.
[SPEAKER_00]: You do not need to be seeing them more than one time per week in the first month of seeing each other on average.
[SPEAKER_00]: really focus on keeping yourself busy like don't just like give up your entire life for this person.
[SPEAKER_00]: You're a busy girl.
[SPEAKER_00]: You have a lot going on.
[SPEAKER_00]: Don't fake it.
[SPEAKER_00]: Like when you got into dating and choosing to date a guy and knowing when you're ready, like your life should be so full and abundant that
[SPEAKER_00]: you're struggling to find time for a date because you have all these things that you love doing, your workouts, your hangouts, your friends, your hobbies, work, whatever it is.
[SPEAKER_00]: They're down time for you.
[SPEAKER_00]: I think something that my boyfriend and I did really well and obviously I'm talking a lot from experience here is I think like the first like the first four months before we made it official nine out of ten times like we were only seeing each other once a week.
[SPEAKER_00]: We're only seeing each other once a week.
[SPEAKER_00]: Give her a take some weeks so you would see each other more.
[SPEAKER_00]: For sure, the first month, like we didn't see each other.
[SPEAKER_00]: Uh, maybe a few times on and off, like two or three times, but not more than that.
[SPEAKER_00]: Like we're not seeing each other every single day.
[SPEAKER_00]: Most of the weekends in the summer, he was away.
[SPEAKER_00]: He was at the cottage, a friend's cottage.
[SPEAKER_00]: He was on a trip, whatever it was.
[SPEAKER_00]: And we also didn't text all the time.
[SPEAKER_00]: Like I wouldn't hear from him until after we're most of the time.
[SPEAKER_00]: Like we clarified early on that he's on a big textur.
[SPEAKER_00]: And so we would talk on the phone for an hour, maybe two hours a day before bed.
[SPEAKER_00]: And I also think that was a better way to get to know each other.
[SPEAKER_00]: I think texting too much can create this false sense of intimacy, can make you feel like you know each other a lot better or to make you feel like you know him a lot better or a lot more than you actually do.
[SPEAKER_00]: When in reality, maybe you've only spent two evenings together.
[SPEAKER_00]: That's what.
[SPEAKER_00]: like two or three hours at a time and you don't really know a person that well after spending four hours together total, you know, like there's still so much more to learn and I rather you do the learning in person.
[SPEAKER_00]: I rather you do it in person together where you can see their body language, you can feel their energy, you can make eye contact, you can touch his hands, you can hug, whatever it is.
[SPEAKER_00]: I think like also the most important part is, and I've seen a lot of my girlfriends do this is...
[SPEAKER_00]: Don't forget about all the work you did before when you were solely focusing on you.
[SPEAKER_00]: The minute a guy comes back into play.
[SPEAKER_00]: Don't fall back into your old habits and mindsets.
[SPEAKER_00]: He has to earn your attention and time.
[SPEAKER_00]: It is valuable.
[SPEAKER_00]: He doesn't just get it.
[SPEAKER_00]: It's the same way that when you're making a new friend.
[SPEAKER_00]: They don't have access to you 24-7.
[SPEAKER_00]: I mean, your friend shouldn't even really have access to you 24-7.
[SPEAKER_00]: There's no need for that.
[SPEAKER_00]: But it's a slow burn.
[SPEAKER_00]: Let him prove his worth.
[SPEAKER_00]: Let him earn access to you.
[SPEAKER_00]: Don't just give it all at once.
[SPEAKER_00]: Men love a chase.
[SPEAKER_00]: And I'm not telling you to play like these insane games.
[SPEAKER_00]: That won't get you anywhere.
[SPEAKER_00]: Toxic games are not going to give you a healthy relationship.
[SPEAKER_00]: Like you're building like thing of that foundation that you're building by playing games.
[SPEAKER_00]: It's not going to lead to trust.
[SPEAKER_00]: It's not going to lead to a lasting
[SPEAKER_00]: Foundation for a relationship, you do have to earn each other's time and value in each other's life.
[SPEAKER_00]: And...
[SPEAKER_00]: You're not going to be right or die is right off the back.
[SPEAKER_00]: They have to, you have to earn value and trust.
[SPEAKER_00]: It takes time.
[SPEAKER_00]: It's not just given, take it slow.
[SPEAKER_00]: Lean into your feminine, even if it's hard.
[SPEAKER_00]: As someone who is very masculine every day in her career and tends to be very masculine in a lot of ways, you really need to lean into your feminine so that he can be in his masculine.
[SPEAKER_00]: Let me know if you want more on this.
[SPEAKER_00]: I can definitely like to do a whole episode on it.
[SPEAKER_00]: And sure, let him ask you out.
[SPEAKER_00]: Let him make the plans, let him carry the conversation, let him lead you.
[SPEAKER_00]: If you wanted to, he would.
[SPEAKER_00]: How a man leads tells you everything you need to know about where you stand in their life and their interest in pursuing you.
[SPEAKER_00]: Think about it in the olden days.
[SPEAKER_00]: Man had to court before they could call you their girlfriend that you could date all of that.
[SPEAKER_00]: before they could wedge you.
[SPEAKER_00]: Go back to the old and faithful.
[SPEAKER_00]: And I know things have changed and all of that, but we are still human.
[SPEAKER_00]: We still have the same underlying instincts, wants, and desires.
[SPEAKER_00]: You are the prize.
[SPEAKER_00]: Let him come to you.
[SPEAKER_00]: And I'm not saying you can't text first.
[SPEAKER_00]: I'm not saying you can't plan a date here and there.
[SPEAKER_00]: But I think honestly until it's official, let him do the planning.
[SPEAKER_00]: Unless it's like a special circumstance where you feel that it's your turn to kind of plan our initiate, you can do that.
[SPEAKER_00]: I don't think I ever text in my boyfriend first until like over a month into it.
[SPEAKER_00]: I don't, I like still don't even really call him first.
[SPEAKER_00]: I let him call me all the time and he plans all the day.
[SPEAKER_00]: It's like it's totally up to him.
[SPEAKER_00]: I think it's really important for men to feel wanted and needed and to let them plan and initiate these things.
[SPEAKER_00]: It makes them feel important and resourceful and feel wanted and valued and needed.
[SPEAKER_00]: It's like a whole psychology thing, but if you want more on leaning into your feminine and how to let a man lead and just like finding more feminine energy in your day-to-day life on your own and relationships and all of that, totally let me know, comment on Spotify or DM me whatever it is.
[SPEAKER_00]: I would love to know.
[SPEAKER_00]: But in total shortness and summary, if you are confused, they're either not
[SPEAKER_00]: Clear as day means they are interested, healthy, and good, but again, it has to be mutual.
[SPEAKER_00]: Just because they're interested, just because it's clear as day, if they do not feel like your person, don't just settle for it because they're nice.
[SPEAKER_00]: You're gonna be like, breathe and what's his name from, tell me lies.
[SPEAKER_00]: And don't go for this even to Marko either.
[SPEAKER_00]: You don't want that.
[SPEAKER_00]: We want a rigley, okay?
[SPEAKER_00]: How do I know if he is the one worth dating?
[SPEAKER_00]: I get asked this a lot.
[SPEAKER_00]: Girls not knowing if they're settling, et cetera.
[SPEAKER_00]: I know it can be really hard to learn how to trust your judgment again, especially if in the past, your judgment ended up not being good.
[SPEAKER_00]: But I think that's why the actual, actually single phase is really important.
[SPEAKER_00]: to breaking that habit in cycle and rebuilding trust with yourself.
[SPEAKER_00]: This is something that I definitely had to navigate a lot and worked on in therapy a lot.
[SPEAKER_00]: It was really hard for me to trust my gut instinct and my judgment again after going through the past two situations, chips and situations.
[SPEAKER_00]: That I went through where I thought they were good at first and I let myself ignore a lot of red or orange flags It ended up being a thing that really hurt me and they weren't a great person to me at least and so then it can be really be hard to trust If your judgment is good anymore I often kept finding myself wanting to self sabotage a lot in
[SPEAKER_00]: Early stages of dating again last year when I finally felt like I was ready to With other guys when I was just going on dates here and there really didn't go on many dates at all honestly I was so particular about who I would go out with and who I would let see me again and have access to me I became so
[SPEAKER_00]: protective, so hyperprotective of myself, which I think is a blessing and a curse, but I digress.
[SPEAKER_00]: It was really hard for me to know if my boyfriend was good.
[SPEAKER_00]: I often found myself doubting my ability, kept trying to look for something wrong with him, trying to prove to myself that no, he's actually a bad guy, like you're not judging, you're not seeing this right.
[SPEAKER_00]: He was worth dating and these are the things that you can do as well number one feeling good with and without him Not just when you're with him.
[SPEAKER_00]: How do you feel also when you leave him?
[SPEAKER_00]: How do you feel in between the times that you're seeing each other is as communication still consistent
[SPEAKER_00]: does he go dark like what's going on?
[SPEAKER_00]: Do you miss him when you're not with him?
[SPEAKER_00]: Do you feel like you can genuinely be yourself around him and with him?
[SPEAKER_00]: Or are you trying to be something you're not to kind of mold yourself into what you think he would be interested in?
[SPEAKER_00]: Do you have fun together?
[SPEAKER_00]: Genuine fun?
[SPEAKER_00]: Do you feel like a child?
[SPEAKER_00]: Like not like an inappropriate way, but like
[SPEAKER_00]: your inner child when you're with him like do you feel like your inner child can feel safe around him?
[SPEAKER_00]: If it feels easy, it feels right.
[SPEAKER_00]: You genuinely can see a future with him together.
[SPEAKER_00]: You're lined on your morals, your values, your beliefs,
[SPEAKER_00]: what kind of life you want to build, and how you're currently living as well.
[SPEAKER_00]: I really do think lifestyle alignment is so important, and I think if your life styles don't align, then that relationship is going to be one that is lasting.
[SPEAKER_00]: I think it's important to have a similar baseline and foundation with an each of you.
[SPEAKER_00]: to build that foundation together and to have that stability.
[SPEAKER_00]: I think it's really hard to date someone who has a completely different lifestyle to you.
[SPEAKER_00]: And that doesn't mean you can't have like different career paths or anything like that.
[SPEAKER_00]: Like me and my boyfriend have completely different careers.
[SPEAKER_00]: And our day-to-day's look pretty different, but at the same time, our morning routines are pretty similar, our interests, our priorities, our values, our morals.
[SPEAKER_00]: All of that is an alignment.
[SPEAKER_00]: And I think that is a super, super important thing, and a lot of people overlook that, or compromise on those things, and I don't think those are things you should be compromising on when you are dating to marry, when you're dating to be with this partner for a lifetime.
[SPEAKER_00]: The next thing that I want to discuss is how to not get ahead of yourself.
[SPEAKER_00]: I know I was definitely someone who would like fantasize about what I could picture my life to be like with this person based off of what I knew about them and how I could see our life going and all these things and I get really ahead of myself.
[SPEAKER_00]: I think the texting all the time and all of that
[SPEAKER_00]: really can add into this.
[SPEAKER_00]: But these are the things that I really focused on and encourage myself to do so that I wasn't getting too ahead of myself to kind of pace myself to keep myself or my feet were at.
[SPEAKER_00]: Number one, let him text you first, but every so often you can also text first, but let him lead, let him call you, let him initiate.
[SPEAKER_00]: When you're not with him, focus on you, your friends, your family,
[SPEAKER_00]: Don't forget about all those things we did in our single era.
[SPEAKER_00]: Keep yourself intentionally busy.
[SPEAKER_00]: Fill your schedule up with the things that make you feel really good, that are working towards your goals, all those things.
[SPEAKER_00]: Don't sit around waiting for him.
[SPEAKER_00]: Don't keep your schedule open for him.
[SPEAKER_00]: Like, if you want...
[SPEAKER_00]: If he hasn't texted you or asked to call you to ask you out yet for the weekend, make plans with your girlfriends and then if he calls or texts you later, then you'll find time around that.
[SPEAKER_00]: Don't sit here waiting on a Saturday night for him to call you and to make plans with you and ask to come over like no, this guy has to ask you out at the beginning of the week for your weekend plans for your next day.
[SPEAKER_00]: Maybe he asks you out on your date, the end of your white current date for the next date, whatever it is.
[SPEAKER_00]: At him plan, let him think ahead of time.
[SPEAKER_00]: that also shows his intentions with you.
[SPEAKER_00]: Be aware of your feet are at, stop, day dreaming, up a future, about him and you together, et cetera.
[SPEAKER_00]: That isn't real, focus on the facts.
[SPEAKER_00]: You've only spent four times together.
[SPEAKER_00]: Each of those four times, you spent maybe two to four hours with one another.
[SPEAKER_00]: That's not a lot of time in the grand scheme of things.
[SPEAKER_00]: Don't obsess over it.
[SPEAKER_00]: Don't talk about it with every Tom Dick and Harry keep it to you and maybe like your closest friend or two But even that and keep the relationship between you and the person that you're seeing.
[SPEAKER_00]: I found that when I used to talk about things all the time And that's not that I didn't talk about my boyfriend to my friends when we were seeing each other at first But I didn't feel the need to obsess over every single detail to hyperanalyze.
[SPEAKER_00]: I stops
[SPEAKER_00]: Taking screenshots of chats and messages and sending it to friends being like, Oh my god, what does this mean, blah, blah, blah, you learn how to trust yourself.
[SPEAKER_00]: When you go through that fully single stage, you learn how to validate yourself, how to make decisions on your own, how to trust your judgment.
[SPEAKER_00]: That's why it's so important.
[SPEAKER_00]: Some things are better kept between just you and your partner and you can just let
[SPEAKER_00]: the actions, the outcomes speak for itself.
[SPEAKER_00]: You can go to your friends or advice, you can share the good things, but not everyone needs to know what's going on in your personal life and your love life, and some things are better just kept between you too.
[SPEAKER_00]: What people don't know, they can't ruin.
[SPEAKER_00]: I really do think that, and at the end of the day, no matter how much detail you give your friends, your girlfriends, they are not you, they are not there with you dating the person,
[SPEAKER_00]: They're not him, you know, they're only getting what you are sharing.
[SPEAKER_00]: Also, I think it's important not to let outside judgment cloud your own.
[SPEAKER_00]: You are a strong capable woman, capable of making judgment calls, knowing what feels right, knowing what's right or wrong for you.
[SPEAKER_00]: You don't need your friends to be telling you that all the time.
[SPEAKER_00]: And with that said,
[SPEAKER_00]: I think only sharing with your friends closest to you that you would want to date like them.
[SPEAKER_00]: Like, do you admire their relationship?
[SPEAKER_00]: Do you admire the way that they date, the way that they interact with other people, the way that they conduct their relationships?
[SPEAKER_00]: If the answer is no, then why are you going to them for advice?
[SPEAKER_00]: At the baseline, like you should never be asking advice from people who you don't want to be like in that area of their life, because they're going to give you advice based off of how they choose and make decisions.
[SPEAKER_00]: Don't rush into sleeping together or having sleepovers.
[SPEAKER_00]: I personally think that sleepovers are more intimate than sex itself.
[SPEAKER_00]: I think there's something so vulnerable about sleeping next to someone and waking up together in the morning and I think it's something that's really intimate and special and should be kept.
[SPEAKER_00]: until the time is right.
[SPEAKER_00]: I think that also sleeping together too soon can also cloud your judgment.
[SPEAKER_00]: There's all this research on how sex for females can connect you with a person and emotionally bond you based off of the hormones that are released all that you can look into that a little bit more obviously on an expert.
[SPEAKER_00]: But
[SPEAKER_00]: I think there's no need to rush into sleeping with each other.
[SPEAKER_00]: I used to be the girl that's like, I don't care.
[SPEAKER_00]: When we sleep together, it doesn't matter if it's not to be, it will be.
[SPEAKER_00]: But I do think and knowing for me, it does cod my judgment and can kind of make me emotionally attached to someone.
[SPEAKER_00]: I might not even actually like or fully be attracted to.
[SPEAKER_00]: And all the ways that I want to be attracted to my partner.
[SPEAKER_00]: So I think taking it slow again, lean into that slow burn.
[SPEAKER_00]: Don't rush, sleeping together.
[SPEAKER_00]: Don't rush and having sleepovers.
[SPEAKER_00]: Know your boundaries.
[SPEAKER_00]: Know your limits.
[SPEAKER_00]: Earn and build trust with one another.
[SPEAKER_00]: Don't rush into introducing friends.
[SPEAKER_00]: Let it happen naturally, organically.
[SPEAKER_00]: Don't introduce into your family until it's official with a title.
[SPEAKER_00]: I hear all these stories about girls having guys introduce them to their families and then them ghosting them and all of that.
[SPEAKER_00]: Like, I don't think families or
[SPEAKER_00]: anyone super important should be introduced until this is something that is sudden stone until you know where you stand with this person.
[SPEAKER_00]: There's no need to like make it feel like it's something more than it actually is until it actually is that.
[SPEAKER_00]: Those are kind of all the things, mindsets, all of it,
[SPEAKER_00]: Everything that I would do if I was single again, how I would date, how I did date when I was single, and what I did last year to really change the outcomes of my dating life and my dating experiences.
[SPEAKER_00]: You will know when you know if a person is your person, if you wanted to, he would.
[SPEAKER_00]: I know we hear these things all the time, but they really do hold value and emphasis and truth.
[SPEAKER_00]: In the dating worlds and in how relationships work, learn to trust your gut, learn how to actually be single, stop seeking validation for the sake of it, learn how to give it to yourself instead, and I promise you if you change the way in which you act and move, you will have different outcomes.
[SPEAKER_00]: and maybe it's not going to happen on the first try the second try the third try, but if you learn from your mistakes, if you learn from the things that didn't make you feel good and decide to move differently, act differently, think differently, speak differently.
[SPEAKER_00]: You will have better outcomes each and every single time and eventually something will click and you will meet your person and it will last and it will feel easy and it will feel good.
[SPEAKER_00]: Wish you all the best.
[SPEAKER_00]: on your dating journey, your single journey, if you will, as always, my DMs are always open.
[SPEAKER_00]: I love discussing these things and I'm always here to help.
[SPEAKER_00]: If you want to know more about feminine energy or anything that I spoke about today, totally let me know, leave a comment on Spotify.
[SPEAKER_00]: DM me on Instagram more likely to see it on Atlanta Bloomberg than Morning Ray podcast, but also feel free to DM either.
[SPEAKER_00]: And I'll see you guys either next week or the week after.
[SPEAKER_00]: We'll see how I do with editing.
[SPEAKER_00]: As you guys know, I'm going to be starting my plotty search soon.
[SPEAKER_00]: So life is going to get even crazier.
[SPEAKER_00]: Holy shit.
[SPEAKER_00]: But I love you guys so much.
[SPEAKER_00]: We'll chat soon.
[SPEAKER_00]: I hope you enjoyed this episode.
[SPEAKER_00]: Make sure to leave a rating or a view on Apple podcasts or Spotify.
[SPEAKER_00]: That's how you can help support the pod.
[SPEAKER_00]: And I'll see you guys sometime soon.
[SPEAKER_00]: Next week or the week after on my day.
[SPEAKER_00]: Love you.
[SPEAKER_00]: Bye guys.