[SPEAKER_00]: Hey, welcome back to the Brown Girl self-care podcast in case you are new here.
[SPEAKER_00]: My name is Bree, and I host this show If you've been rolling with me for a minute, welcome back.
[SPEAKER_00]: I'm so glad that you're here.
[SPEAKER_00]: You know a few days ago was valentine's day and As of this recording, it was maybe like two or three days ago, and you know I know that valentine's day is usually centered on keep hope alive people getting engaged
[SPEAKER_00]: People, people being in love, loving relationships, keeping that spark going, pushing through, like all these things, right?
[SPEAKER_00]: But, you know, today I wanted to talk about the grace found in letting, letting love kind of, letting love, I don't want to say die, but letting love go, releasing love if it's no longer.
[SPEAKER_00]: Like if you're no longer being served, like that's saying it's good.
[SPEAKER_00]: Well, excuse me, that's saying goes if you're no longer being served, it's okay if you
[SPEAKER_00]: from the table, feel like that's not something that we talk about a lot, or enough, I should say I see so many examples of struggle of out in real life.
[SPEAKER_00]: And this is not to judge, you know, I have been in a relationship, pretty much all my relationships have been like struggle of, okay?
[SPEAKER_00]: with someone, like the younger version of me, you know, but it's never too late.
[SPEAKER_00]: It's never too late.
[SPEAKER_00]: So, you know, I was reminded of something, and this is kind of like what sparked this episode, but I was reminded of a truth in one of the most unlikelyest of places, a super unlikely resource, and that is Mr. Rogers.
[SPEAKER_00]: Yes, girl.
[SPEAKER_00]: I said, Mr. Rogers.
[SPEAKER_00]: I was watching an episode of Mr. Rogers and, man, okay, let me let me back up a second here.
[SPEAKER_00]: Okay, so there was this episode of Mr. Rogers.
[SPEAKER_00]: It was from the 70s and in it, he was explaining to children.
[SPEAKER_00]: It was about like death, you know, you can't revive something that is died, that kind of vibe and the thing that he did because you know that
[SPEAKER_00]: you know, watch an episode.
[SPEAKER_00]: He keeps things very simple in easy to understand, kind of like stories and anecdotes and things like that for children.
[SPEAKER_00]: For children, but sometimes I do watch Mr. Rogers because it's very calming for me.
[SPEAKER_00]: And so in this specific episode, he was trying to revive a dead fish.
[SPEAKER_00]: So the episode was about death and you're allowed to grieve in all that.
[SPEAKER_00]: And so what he did was he wanted to show the children or the watcher that, you know, when things die,
[SPEAKER_00]: you know, you can't like revive it.
[SPEAKER_00]: So he had a dead fish in his fish tank.
[SPEAKER_00]: He took it out with such great care.
[SPEAKER_00]: Like everything he did was like with such great care and so much grace and compassion.
[SPEAKER_00]: But he took it out of the fish tank with a little scooper thing.
[SPEAKER_00]: He placed it in a separate little container of water, really small container of water.
[SPEAKER_00]: And he said to the audience, you know, I heard that
[SPEAKER_00]: Sometimes you can revive things like like fish, you can revive fish by putting them into a lot of salt, putting like a lot of salt in their water.
[SPEAKER_00]: Now obviously the parents, you and I, we know that that wasn't going to work, but again, he was trying to show children like, this is just, this is what happens and no, there really isn't much you can do once something is it's gone, you know, once
[SPEAKER_00]: and so he poured a ton of salt water into the little container that the fish was in and um it was interesting because the water was moving so it made the fish the fish was dead again it made the fish like look like it was like kind of like moving and floating but he was telling the children like yeah you know i know it looks like it's moving a little bit but it's just you know this is just a part of what happened there's some energy like some shaking going on that makes it kind of look like it might come back but it's not kind of come back
[SPEAKER_00]: And then after that he took the fish out, he folded it up.
[SPEAKER_00]: Again, all this was such great care and folded it up and then they buried it and things like that.
[SPEAKER_00]: And he said, it's okay to be sad, it's okay to grieve and more and I'm pretty sure he said that in some kind of way, you know, all of that to say, girl, it made me think about us.
[SPEAKER_00]: I'm always thinking about us, it made me think about black women, it made me think about my past relationships and made me think about
[SPEAKER_00]: Relationships of my girlfriends and sister friends and things like that and just common struggles and and things that we've had not only in our relationship, but also in the ways that we love ourselves while we're in these relationships or experiences and you know as black women.
[SPEAKER_00]: We know that we are, we're often like consider the salt of the earth.
[SPEAKER_00]: We are the salt of the earth.
[SPEAKER_00]: We're the salt of the relationships.
[SPEAKER_00]: We flavor, we preserve, we heal, we, we, you know, up live, we season like we are the salt of the earth.
[SPEAKER_00]: But what happens is, and that salt is precious, by the way.
[SPEAKER_00]: I like in that to our essence.
[SPEAKER_00]: That that that that that that that that flavor that way that we preserve and we heal and we nurture that's our essence okay that's our magic But it's like what happens when we use our quote unquote salt our magic our essence our energy
[SPEAKER_00]: To try and heal something or fix something or keep something, keep the spark alive, keep something going that literally like it's gone, it's it's gone, it's okay to release it, but we hold on to it for longer than really we need to hold on to it.
[SPEAKER_00]: So my question to you is like, how much of your salt, your energy, your essence, your magic, your time, your brilliance,
[SPEAKER_00]: You're nurturing your grace, your sacred, your essence, you know, like your labor, your prayers, like all the things like how much of your salt.
[SPEAKER_00]: are you currently pouring into a situation that has, it's already gone to the upper room, but you're still in one way or another, you're just hanging on.
[SPEAKER_00]: Okay, because you want to fix, you want to restore, you want to, you want to heal, you want to nurture, you want to keep trying, you want to keep supporting, you want to keep, you want to not even give it 100%, you want to give it 150%, you know what I'm saying?
[SPEAKER_00]: Again, I've done this too many times.
[SPEAKER_00]: I've done this too many times to my detriment.
[SPEAKER_00]: Too many times to where I was not focused on myself, love my nurturing, my humanity, my healing, my essence.
[SPEAKER_00]: I was trying to put it all into this relationship that was, it was DOA.
[SPEAKER_00]: And I don't want black women to continue investing, time, energy, prayers, labor, magic, efforts into something that is no, it's not viable.
[SPEAKER_00]: It's not viable because that essence can, you know, we can use that for us.
[SPEAKER_00]: We need our own, we need to be nurtured.
[SPEAKER_00]: We need to be supported.
[SPEAKER_00]: not putting time into situations that no longer serve us.
[SPEAKER_00]: And in fact, to be quite, to keep you real with you, some of these relationships never served us.
[SPEAKER_00]: They were never for us.
[SPEAKER_00]: It's like a trap, you know?
[SPEAKER_00]: We're raised to be the, like I said, the healer, the nurture, the this, the that, like doing all the things like we, we try to keep these things going because I think at least for me, if it, it just felt like a failure.
[SPEAKER_00]: I tied my worth into this relationship, I tied my value into these relationships, I tied my.
[SPEAKER_00]: what it meant about me and how much I how much struggle I can endure and, you know, like I just I just made these relationships that were not even for me in a lot of cases just means so much, you know, like how much can I endure?
[SPEAKER_00]: How strong can I be?
[SPEAKER_00]: Can I keep this man, you know, can I hold it together?
[SPEAKER_00]: Can I keep the relationship going?
[SPEAKER_00]: Can I hide my pain
[SPEAKER_00]: there's this myth like that that that we believe that if a relationship is failing, it's our fault.
[SPEAKER_00]: We weren't trusting enough.
[SPEAKER_00]: We didn't love hard enough.
[SPEAKER_00]: We didn't support enough.
[SPEAKER_00]: We didn't have his or her back enough.
[SPEAKER_00]: We didn't work enough.
[SPEAKER_00]: We didn't do all the things,
[SPEAKER_00]: and do other things.
[SPEAKER_00]: A lot of times for people that don't even, they wouldn't even, you know, not even bend over backwards, you know, some of these people that we've got ourselves tied to and wouldn't even pull a cup of water on you if you were on fire.
[SPEAKER_00]: They just, they just were not and are not, like it's not worth your essence, your salt.
[SPEAKER_00]: And we treat these relationships like a project.
[SPEAKER_00]: Like I can fix them.
[SPEAKER_00]: I can fix them, girl, I know I can't.
[SPEAKER_00]: How many times have you said that?
[SPEAKER_00]: Even on a subconscious level, like think about that.
[SPEAKER_00]: I can fix it.
[SPEAKER_00]: I'm gonna keep, I don't know, I'm gonna just keep it going.
[SPEAKER_00]: I'm gonna just do, I'm gonna go harder.
[SPEAKER_00]: I know I can make this work.
[SPEAKER_00]: He's a fixer, upper.
[SPEAKER_00]: He just needs more time.
[SPEAKER_00]: He's a fixer, upper, like, bra.
[SPEAKER_00]: Sis, no.
[SPEAKER_00]: No, so I want you to ask yourself in your deal in your relationships, even if you're dating, you might be in something new.
[SPEAKER_00]: And that's the best time to find out before you get caught up with this worth your investment, your energy, your salt.
[SPEAKER_00]: You gotta ask yourself, like, are you staying because love, like a solid foundation of love is present.
[SPEAKER_00]: or you stay in because you're making it mean something about you.
[SPEAKER_00]: You're making it mean, like, you're a warrior, you're survived, or you can make it, you know, you can build people up.
[SPEAKER_00]: You know what I mean?
[SPEAKER_00]: You can make it work.
[SPEAKER_00]: or like you feel like there's no options for you.
[SPEAKER_00]: Honey, I would much rather be single and I have been for 10 years than try to make like force something to work.
[SPEAKER_00]: I'm not doing that anymore.
[SPEAKER_00]: I would much rather have my peace.
[SPEAKER_00]: You know, I would much rather contain restore my essence.
[SPEAKER_00]: Because our essence is the thing that is keeping things going.
[SPEAKER_00]: Our essence is the thing that is
[SPEAKER_00]: Making sure things are preserved.
[SPEAKER_00]: Do you know how much time and labor and energy and salt and essence black women put into relationships?
[SPEAKER_00]: Think about that.
[SPEAKER_00]: And if you didn't put so much effort in time and essence and labor into these relationships, they would literally rot to hell.
[SPEAKER_00]: Do you understand that?
[SPEAKER_00]: Do you really get that?
[SPEAKER_00]: We are using our essence in ways that are preserving things that need to be let go.
[SPEAKER_00]: We are using our, again, our prayers, our energy, our, our sex, yeah, I said it.
[SPEAKER_00]: Our money, yeah, I said it, okay, emotional labor.
[SPEAKER_00]: Yeah, I said it, our safety, our, our intuition,
[SPEAKER_00]: bypassing these things in the hopes of keeping something alive.
[SPEAKER_00]: I've done that.
[SPEAKER_00]: I dated someone who didn't have a car.
[SPEAKER_00]: and we're in our 20s, I've always had a car.
[SPEAKER_00]: Always, even though I've had too many cars and that's why I'm in debt.
[SPEAKER_00]: But that's neither here nor there.
[SPEAKER_00]: That's another episode.
[SPEAKER_00]: I've talked about that before, but he didn't have it.
[SPEAKER_00]: Well, like one of my relationships, he didn't even have a car.
[SPEAKER_00]: I'm picking him up, taking him to work, taking him up from work, taking him home, having sex, like making me sense.
[SPEAKER_00]: I don't even think he was popping in for gas, right?
[SPEAKER_00]: make it make sense so much emotional labor and putting our safety to the side like being silent like or even being silent our silence to keep our relationship going.
[SPEAKER_00]: I've done all of these things so again I'm not pointing my finger just so you know right.
[SPEAKER_00]: But we do what we can to keep these relationships going, but our essence, our spirits, they have like, Elvis has left the building, like they are just like you on your own.
[SPEAKER_00]: You on your own sense, sit in like our spirit, like there's kind of going to like protection mode.
[SPEAKER_00]: You sometimes you've just feel numb.
[SPEAKER_00]: You don't know why you feel numb.
[SPEAKER_00]: You maybe you're crying more, you feel agitated, but you don't really know why, or you haven't really thought about it, or you have, but you're scared to kind of like,
[SPEAKER_00]: look at that hard answer, right?
[SPEAKER_00]: Because you just want to stay on this track that you're on for whatever reason, right?
[SPEAKER_00]: You're just pouring out all your salt, hoping to revive a situation that has long gone.
[SPEAKER_00]: right?
[SPEAKER_00]: It's not your job to save and revive.
[SPEAKER_00]: It's not your job to use up all your essence.
[SPEAKER_00]: Yes, relationships take work.
[SPEAKER_00]: Of course they do.
[SPEAKER_00]: But there's a difference between work where you guys are coming to the table.
[SPEAKER_00]: It's a mean of the minds.
[SPEAKER_00]: It just makes sense.
[SPEAKER_00]: It's not this unbalanced, like you're just overgiving and being used up and taking advantage of and not appreciated and disrespected and treated like an afterthought and like you don't matter and your silence or your shut down like, no, you are wasting good salt on bad pots of food that need to be tossed out.
[SPEAKER_00]: Seriously, you are wasting your salt.
[SPEAKER_00]: and your relationships shouldn't have to be like hell, have hell of your essence.
[SPEAKER_00]: Hell, a salty to be good.
[SPEAKER_00]: And in fact, if your relationship is really relying on your essence, it's not good.
[SPEAKER_00]: It's not good.
[SPEAKER_00]: It's not your place to over, what's the call like over, not overgive?
[SPEAKER_00]: What am I trying to say?
[SPEAKER_00]: Like to over, I don't know what I'm trying to say, but it's not your job to like,
[SPEAKER_00]: overcompensate.
[SPEAKER_00]: That's what I'm trying to say, overcompensate.
[SPEAKER_00]: That's not your job.
[SPEAKER_00]: That's not what you're in a relationship for.
[SPEAKER_00]: That is not what you're in a relationship for, right?
[SPEAKER_00]: So let's talk about identifying when it's just it's time.
[SPEAKER_00]: I'm not sure if I said this before, but you know sometimes in relationships things can be hard.
[SPEAKER_00]: Not always easy, and just because you hit some bumps in the roads and rough patches doesn't mean that, oh, I'm out.
[SPEAKER_00]: That's it.
[SPEAKER_00]: That doesn't mean that necessarily.
[SPEAKER_00]: There's a difference between something like having a season where things are a little shaky, a little rough, you got to lean into some faith or have some conversations or
[SPEAKER_00]: you know, maybe even go to therapy just so you can have deep dive on this conversation so because sometimes communication can be hard, you know, but you're growing together, you're growing together, you're starting to thrive, you can make it through that kind of thing because it happens, especially if you're in long term relationships.
[SPEAKER_00]: If you're in short, short term relationship where you just start the relationship and it's already held a bumpy get-out this.
[SPEAKER_00]: Get out.
[SPEAKER_00]: All right.
[SPEAKER_00]: There's a difference between when it's a little shaky, a little rocky, so some rough patches and just is completely is just is completely dead.
[SPEAKER_00]: is completely dead.
[SPEAKER_00]: And it would take extreme circumstances to really get this going.
[SPEAKER_00]: And in that case, how secure are you feeling?
[SPEAKER_00]: How good are you feeling about that relationship?
[SPEAKER_00]: Be honest.
[SPEAKER_00]: A lot of times we bypassed what our intuition is telling us.
[SPEAKER_00]: We bypassed what our spirits are saying like, girl, no, where is the love?
[SPEAKER_00]: where is the love right but again like a rough patch that again it's it's it's still feels like a partnership you know that it's it's we share and hear we we're we're we're having communication where we're we're we're getting closer we're working through it you know what I'm saying where it's one person's just not overgiven and exhaust and so like it's it's mutual.
[SPEAKER_00]: it's mutual.
[SPEAKER_00]: And everything isn't always going to be 50-50, but it still has this, it's a mutual respect and love for each other.
[SPEAKER_00]: You both are committed.
[SPEAKER_00]: You both want to make it work.
[SPEAKER_00]: You just have to figure out some nuances kind of thing, you know.
[SPEAKER_00]: versus, it's just DOA.
[SPEAKER_00]: Everything's one-sided.
[SPEAKER_00]: You're always overgiving.
[SPEAKER_00]: You're always overextending.
[SPEAKER_00]: You're always overcompensating.
[SPEAKER_00]: You're always silencing yourself.
[SPEAKER_00]: Versus having your needs met.
[SPEAKER_00]: You're always giving, giving, giving, giving.
[SPEAKER_00]: You're always expected to do all the things.
[SPEAKER_00]: You're taking care of the kids.
[SPEAKER_00]: You're cleaning the house.
[SPEAKER_00]: You're going to work.
[SPEAKER_00]: You're feeding the dog.
[SPEAKER_00]: You're walking the cat.
[SPEAKER_00]: You're having the babies.
[SPEAKER_00]: You're having the sex.
[SPEAKER_00]: You're tripping, chipping in the money.
[SPEAKER_00]: You're, you're, you're, you're, you're, you're, you're, you're, you're, you're, you're, you're, you're, you're, you're, you're, you're, you're, you're, you're, you're, you
[SPEAKER_00]: You're paying 50, 50 for the bills, you're like, it's just, and then let's not even talk about like the emotional side.
[SPEAKER_00]: You're doing all that plus, there's no like emotional, everything feels so hard.
[SPEAKER_00]: Like you got a pool stuff out of the, it's just too much.
[SPEAKER_00]: It's just too much.
[SPEAKER_00]: And at some point, I want you to realize.
[SPEAKER_00]: that, like, and really fill it in your bones, don't buy, excuse me, don't buy past it, like, really understand that you have no energy left to give.
[SPEAKER_00]: You know, these relationships, they are breaking our bodies down.
[SPEAKER_00]: A lot of things are breaking our bodies down, but we're talking about relationships right now.
[SPEAKER_00]: and self-love and things like that, okay, you're wondering why you've got irritable, irritable bowel syndrome, like in the last few years, or you're wondering why not you get an acid reflux, or you're wondering why your sleep is just, it's just shot to hell, or you're wondering why you've got all this aches and pains, you're wondering why you have enough fibromyalgia, where
[SPEAKER_00]: Or you feel like you're always in the fog.
[SPEAKER_00]: You always got a headache.
[SPEAKER_00]: You always, something that's always hurting.
[SPEAKER_00]: Something that's always hurting.
[SPEAKER_00]: You wake up and you're already hurting.
[SPEAKER_00]: Those are red, like you got to pay attention to that, sis.
[SPEAKER_00]: You got to pay attention to that, right?
[SPEAKER_00]: If you're feeling any of those things, you need to listen to what your body is saying, right?
[SPEAKER_00]: And for those of you that have been in long term relationships and maybe they did start out okay, maybe you are feeling amazing maybe you were like everything was going good, but keep in mind that people change from year to year season the season decade to decade, right?
[SPEAKER_00]: Maybe the person that you married is no longer what you can say the same person because we're not going to be the same.
[SPEAKER_00]: Everybody, you know, changes well.
[SPEAKER_00]: If you're growing and blooming and, you know, living life and that kind of thing, you're going to be different.
[SPEAKER_00]: Like a different version of you every few years or whatever.
[SPEAKER_00]: So that's that's different.
[SPEAKER_00]: There's a difference between growth and you wake up one morning and you think back and you're like, who the hell is this person?
[SPEAKER_00]: Who, who the hell is this person?
[SPEAKER_00]: Like, I feel like, I mean, that's why light zone.
[SPEAKER_00]: What have I gotten myself into?
[SPEAKER_00]: I don't even know who, what this person is even about anymore.
[SPEAKER_00]: You know what I'm saying?
[SPEAKER_00]: I hope that you do.
[SPEAKER_00]: I really hope that you do.
[SPEAKER_00]: And I don't want you to feel like, because sometimes we feel like after X amount of years, you're like, well, I've already put in 17 years now.
[SPEAKER_00]: So I'm just gonna stay, even though I'm miserable.
[SPEAKER_00]: Or it's already been, you know, we already celebrated our two year or three or already have a kid.
[SPEAKER_00]: We already got married, or he already proposed.
[SPEAKER_00]: There's already been, we already put out these, what is it when you have a wedding, all these deposits?
[SPEAKER_00]: We already put all these deposits in, you know, we already paid $13,000 for the food is too late now.
[SPEAKER_00]: It is not too late.
[SPEAKER_00]: I don't care how much time you've invested.
[SPEAKER_00]: It's not too late for you to figure out or connect with yourself in a way that says, hey, this is no longer working and I am worth more than that.
[SPEAKER_00]: I love myself more than this.
[SPEAKER_00]: It's never too late to do that.
[SPEAKER_00]: I want to stress that because, you know, sometimes we get into situations and you just feel like.
[SPEAKER_00]: Excuse me, we just feel like if we if we caught on call abandoned ship, we we wasted all this time, but you haven't you haven't wasted any time you are learning.
[SPEAKER_00]: As long as it took you are learning how to prioritize yourself, what things you don't want for your next relationship, what things you will no longer tolerate in your next relationship, right?
[SPEAKER_00]: It might be wasted if you lose yourself that will probably be wasted time I would rather get out and just think grief obviously but think through some things like something you can carry with you into your next relationship versus just staying I think if you stay and there's no love there.
[SPEAKER_00]: that you end up losing yourself and that can feel like, that to me is kind of like, yeah, that time, I wasted all this time, it's like, if you stay, if you stay, like, no matter what, because you lose yourself, you lose your salt.
[SPEAKER_00]: You know, you lose your energy, you lose your, I won't say your value, you're always valuable, but inside to you, you probably have lost your value, even though you haven't, but that's how it feels, because you're not in a place where you're honoring yourself, loving yourself, seeing the truth for what it is, keeping your essence to yourself, your essence, you, like you are valuable.
[SPEAKER_00]: Do you hear me like you are valuable?
[SPEAKER_00]: Black women, we are so valuable, and I hate that we don't see it.
[SPEAKER_00]: And again, there is going to be, like, if you decide, this is no longer for me.
[SPEAKER_00]: Yes, you will need to release.
[SPEAKER_00]: You will need time to breathe.
[SPEAKER_00]: You will need time to heal.
[SPEAKER_00]: You will need time to tend to yourself and to validate your emotions, validate your feelings, validate the loss.
[SPEAKER_00]: Because it is going to feel in some capacity a lot of times like a loss.
[SPEAKER_00]: It's okay to grieve.
[SPEAKER_00]: It's okay to see that you were not able to revive it because if you continue to do so, it was going to break you.
[SPEAKER_00]: It was going to just kill you, you know, to stay in that situation.
[SPEAKER_00]: But it's okay to grieve because it is a loss.
[SPEAKER_00]: It is a loss.
[SPEAKER_00]: There's a loss of obviously the relationship, of course, because not every, like, I guess at least for me, not everything was bad, you know.
[SPEAKER_00]: So there's parts of it that you will, of course, grieve, but I think also grieving just the parts of yourself that you were disconnected from.
[SPEAKER_00]: that were kind of like hidden away from you locked away for your for safety's reasons.
[SPEAKER_00]: So there's a grieving of that, like just kind of like those parts of you that you hit away.
[SPEAKER_00]: You're like, oh man, because that's when you lose parts of yourself.
[SPEAKER_00]: They're not gone forever, but when you hide away parts of yourself, you know, you, you, there's some grieving there that needs to take place.
[SPEAKER_00]: And I should have said this at the beginning, but I don't think that I did.
[SPEAKER_00]: I know that we're talking about, you know, love relationships because I had valentines day on my mind when I was thinking about this and recording this, but this can apply really to anything, if you think about it.
[SPEAKER_00]: Platonic friendships, jobs, plans, you know, it's not just
[SPEAKER_00]: family stuff, you know, sometimes you got to just or not sometimes like all the time you have to remember your worth, all the time you have to remember that you are the salt, all the time you have to remember your magic and your labor, your energy, your value, you know what I'm saying like all the time, you got to remember those things.
[SPEAKER_00]: But it's not just in like like love type
[SPEAKER_00]: as an marriage and dating and engagements and things like that, all right?
[SPEAKER_00]: So you have to take time to mourn, like I've had to take time to mourn and grieve relationship that I lost with my mother.
[SPEAKER_00]: You know, I had to come to the understanding that my essence, who I am, like, I could, I felt like I couldn't even be my true self, I couldn't love myself the way that I deserved, while I was in relationship, while I was in relationship with her, and this was after 48, 49 years, I still grieve that.
[SPEAKER_00]: You know, I really, really do.
[SPEAKER_00]: But I've had to mourn and come to the realization that if the relationship is not serving, sometimes you have to let it go, it's just if there's not a meeting of the minds, like I said a little earlier, if you guys like it, you can't figure out
[SPEAKER_00]: loving dynamic.
[SPEAKER_00]: It's harmful and I don't want that kind of love.
[SPEAKER_00]: I don't want that kind of that's not love to me.
[SPEAKER_00]: I don't want to be in relationship, what am I saying?
[SPEAKER_00]: I don't want to be in relationship, I don't want to be in a relationship, whatever.
[SPEAKER_00]: With anyone that I feel like I am drained, I feel sad, I feel confused, I feel befuddled, I feel silenced, I can't even be my true self for one reason or another.
[SPEAKER_00]: or accommodate, or I just, I don't want to do that.
[SPEAKER_00]: And so I'm not, I just, I just don't want to live my life like that.
[SPEAKER_00]: So, you know, sometimes you look up and your tank is empty, like you take the fish out and the tank is now empty, you know?
[SPEAKER_00]: But I want you to know that,
[SPEAKER_00]: just because your tank is currently, or it will be empty, like it doesn't mean that you're a bad person, doesn't mean that you're a failure.
[SPEAKER_00]: And that is something I struggle with, especially when I went, like not speaking to my mother, I for a very long time, and I still feel this way sometimes, like I'm a bad person, my bad daughter, who does this, you should just, you know, whatever, you should just whatever, be the way she wants you to be, or
[SPEAKER_00]: whatever, of course, that's going to come up, but that isn't like that, that's not a, it's not a failure on your part.
[SPEAKER_00]: I feel like that part of you is still just like fighting that little, that little girl that wants to be accepted or doesn't want to be alone or
[SPEAKER_00]: wants to have any kind of love however it looks even if it doesn't serve you no matter what you know like want to just have that struggle versus a healthy love like you'll just take it anyway you can get it those are that like I feel like that's the part that's fighting and saying you're a bad person you should just take it How you can get it you know or but it's your it's your mom or it's your husband or it's your whatever it's your job or whatever you know
[SPEAKER_00]: I dealt with that and I still deal with that not so often now but when I first in 2024 this was in June of 2024 our last conversation it was something awful for months months right and it was heavy
[SPEAKER_00]: But it does get easier, and that space that you're creating, that quote unquote empty tank is now space you can fill with fresh water, and more love for yourself.
[SPEAKER_00]: It's fresh water, it's clean, you can see through it, you can put, you know, it's just, it's healthy, healthy water.
[SPEAKER_00]: And that thing that you removed is dead is no longer like contaminating.
[SPEAKER_00]: Because I think that that fish I'm pretty sure if you leave them too long, they'll contaminate the tank and ruin the like the pH levels and stuff.
[SPEAKER_00]: I don't know, I'm not a connoisseur, but I'm pretty sure like they effects something I'm guessing.
[SPEAKER_00]: You have to pull it out.
[SPEAKER_00]: You cannot leave that contamination to just fester.
[SPEAKER_00]: You've got to address it, you know, and that's hard.
[SPEAKER_00]: It is hard.
[SPEAKER_00]: I never said it was easy, but, you know, that's the truth.
[SPEAKER_00]: But that clean slate, that emptiness, that removal of whatever, like, that's not a failure.
[SPEAKER_00]: It's just you finally, like, full, full on acknowledging that you are valuable, you are loved, you are worthy, your essence, your magic, like all of it is brilliant.
[SPEAKER_00]: Like you, you deserve a healthy love, a sense of safety, a sense of security, you don't have to mask, you can be yourself.
[SPEAKER_00]: Like you deserve that.
[SPEAKER_00]: And if that situation is not given it to you and there's no way to have like I said, a healthy mean of the minds, you got to make a decision.
[SPEAKER_00]: Either you're going to continue to kind of like just people please and silence, or you're going to release, release it.
[SPEAKER_00]: Let it go and turn that all
[SPEAKER_00]: turn it back to you.
[SPEAKER_00]: Right?
[SPEAKER_00]: Turn it back to you.
[SPEAKER_00]: So take time for self-care.
[SPEAKER_00]: Go to therapy child.
[SPEAKER_00]: Journal.
[SPEAKER_00]: Dance.
[SPEAKER_00]: Move your hips.
[SPEAKER_00]: Move your waist.
[SPEAKER_00]: Sing.
[SPEAKER_00]: Get creative.
[SPEAKER_00]: Draw.
[SPEAKER_00]: Go to some pottery.
[SPEAKER_00]: Hang out with your girlfriends.
[SPEAKER_00]: Have a good key key.
[SPEAKER_00]: spend some time crying crying heels it really does take yourself out buy yourself your own damn flowers take yourself out for some really good sushi some really good wine right i'm an Arkansas they don't have good sushi here so i can't do that anymore i'm just a being truthful there are so many things i miss about California that's one of them but um give yourself some breathing room girl give yourself some breathing room give yourself all the love you need however that
[SPEAKER_00]: let that be your time to replenish your salt and don't rush to give it away.
[SPEAKER_00]: Sometimes we do that too where we've just released, you've done a little bit of morning, and then you have another situation, maybe that person comes back, you're like, okay, I've done that.
[SPEAKER_00]: or maybe it's another situation, that looks a little tempting, but you haven't even fully healed and restored yourself.
[SPEAKER_00]: You're like, okay, and you just run off to the next thing, you haven't processed, you haven't more, and you haven't agreed, you haven't restored.
[SPEAKER_00]: Don't do that.
[SPEAKER_00]: Okay.
[SPEAKER_00]: Yeah.
[SPEAKER_00]: You know, I feel like also when you're making time to do this self-care, it's also like...
[SPEAKER_00]: a restoration of also like your sweetness.
[SPEAKER_00]: I know that the salt is the essence.
[SPEAKER_00]: I feel like the salt is kind of like the strength and sometimes we have to be hard, but there's also room for sweetness and we have to allow more of that into our life, especially as things start to shift and you start to release.
[SPEAKER_00]: You don't have to always be in a quote unquote, the salt, the labor,
[SPEAKER_00]: energy, the, you know, like, like I was saying before like the pushing to make it work like your salt and seasoning like the labor and the being there and doing all the things like make time for like the sweetness to need that balance salty and the sweet you need that balance just not for anyone else but for you first.
[SPEAKER_00]: So find some sweet things.
[SPEAKER_00]: in life to help you restore and bring some balance into your life because I feel like that's a lot of times what we're missing when we're in these relationships that are training, we're missing like the sweetness of life.
[SPEAKER_00]: We're missing the sweetness of life.
[SPEAKER_00]: There's no balance, okay?
[SPEAKER_00]: So this episode went a little longer than I anticipated, but I just wanted to quickly wrap up by giving you just a few affirmations that, um, you know, maybe will help you as you think through some of the things that we talked about today or just in general, as it pertains to just not being in over backwards and do not the things and, like, returning some of that sweetness to you, right?
[SPEAKER_00]: So here's the first one.
[SPEAKER_00]: My worth is not measured by my ability to resistate people who do not want to grow.
[SPEAKER_00]: The next one, I give myself permission to stop working for a love that is no longer living.
[SPEAKER_00]: I am allowed to mourn the what ifs while I embrace the what is.
[SPEAKER_00]: I am the prize, and I choose to give my sweetness to myself first, right?
[SPEAKER_00]: So, um...
[SPEAKER_00]: If you're listening to this and you're tired of just giving all your essence, your salt, like girl, it's okay, it's okay for you to no longer do that.
[SPEAKER_00]: You have your own permission.
[SPEAKER_00]: The fish will not be revived, child.
[SPEAKER_00]: The fish is not the fish's day at child.
[SPEAKER_00]: You know what relationship I'm talking about.
[SPEAKER_00]: If you have a situation like this, you and not all of us do, but if this is for you and it's hidden, you know which fish you trying to revive.
[SPEAKER_00]: It ain't coming back, sis, but you're still here, okay, and you are worth your essence, you are worth your prayers, your labor, your love, your grace, your emotional energy, like you are worth all of that, okay?
[SPEAKER_00]: So I hope this episode was a reminder of that for you.
[SPEAKER_00]: All right.
[SPEAKER_00]: Thank you so much for joining me on today's episode.
[SPEAKER_00]: If this episode was hidden, and you want to, you know, buy me a coffee for free to send me a cash app or a Venmo at Brown Girl Self Care.
[SPEAKER_00]: And if you want to leave a comment about this episode on Spotify, please feel free to do that.
[SPEAKER_00]: Or if you would be so kind, you can always leave a rating and review.
[SPEAKER_00]: on iTunes, all right, that's it for this week's episode, take care of yourself, bury that fish, mourn, grieve, invite some sweetness into your life, and I will see you on the next episode.