WEBVTT 00:02.326 --> 00:04.990 [SPEAKER_00]: Hey friends, welcome back to the Christian parenting podcast. 00:05.150 --> 00:05.972 [SPEAKER_00]: I'm Steph Thirling. 00:06.012 --> 00:13.363 [SPEAKER_00]: In today's a little bit different because I am back for another solo episode and that is because this podcast is officially three years old. 00:13.744 --> 00:24.300 [SPEAKER_00]: It is truly so hard to believe and I still pinch myself every day that this is my job because over the past three years, I have had the privilege of sitting across from a lot of amazing people on this podcast. 00:24.280 --> 00:32.362 [SPEAKER_00]: I have talked to authors, counselors, pastors, researchers, parents, people who are walking through joy, and then people who are walking through really hard seasons too. 00:32.402 --> 00:39.522 [SPEAKER_00]: And they each have their own expertise in wisdom and I get to learn from them and then guide them in conversations that you get to learn from them too. 00:39.502 --> 00:48.090 [SPEAKER_00]: And while their stories and their expertise are different, there are some themes that come up again and again, not because they're trendy, but because they're true. 00:48.210 --> 00:59.661 [SPEAKER_00]: And these are the things that I think about all the time while I'm driving my kids around to their activities or going to bed at night and just keep coming back to these universal themes that everybody is sharing. 00:59.681 --> 01:02.664 [SPEAKER_00]: So today, I want to step back and reflect on those things. 01:02.684 --> 01:06.808 [SPEAKER_00]: Those things that my guests have been consistently telling parents just like you and me. 01:06.788 --> 01:10.192 [SPEAKER_00]: So if you have ever wondered, am I doing this whole Christian parenting thing right? 01:10.352 --> 01:18.421 [SPEAKER_00]: Or if you've ever thought like you're missing something spiritually with your kids, this episode is for you because this is not a list of things that you need to add to your plate. 01:18.802 --> 01:25.189 [SPEAKER_00]: It is simply an invitation to breathe, to refocus and trust that God is at work in way more ways than you realize. 01:25.410 --> 01:30.976 [SPEAKER_00]: So I'm just going to go down a list of the big picture themes that my guests have shared over the years. 01:31.156 --> 01:36.222 [SPEAKER_00]: And the first one is one of the most consistent messages that I hear from guests. 01:36.202 --> 01:39.966 [SPEAKER_00]: And that is that relationship always comes before instruction. 01:40.346 --> 01:45.871 [SPEAKER_00]: So before we teach, before we correct, before we guide, our kids need to know that they're safe with us. 01:46.252 --> 01:48.694 [SPEAKER_00]: So many of my guests have said some version of this. 01:48.794 --> 01:57.642 [SPEAKER_00]: And that is, if your child does not feel connected to you, they're not going to be receptive to what you're trying to teach them about God or about anything in life in general. 01:57.963 --> 02:01.166 [SPEAKER_00]: This does not mean that we never correct or guide our kids. 02:01.366 --> 02:03.508 [SPEAKER_00]: Obviously, that is our job as parents. 02:03.488 --> 02:06.111 [SPEAKER_00]: It simply means that we prioritize connection. 02:06.492 --> 02:13.801 [SPEAKER_00]: That we listen more than we lecture, which I've said so many times can be really hard for me because I have a lot of words and I have a lot of things that I want to share. 02:14.142 --> 02:23.213 [SPEAKER_00]: But we just have to stay curious and we have to keep showing up when conversations feel awkward or they feel one-sided and oh my goodness, that happens as our kids get older. 02:23.273 --> 02:26.357 [SPEAKER_00]: But as they seem to pull away in those, you know, 02:26.337 --> 02:29.002 [SPEAKER_00]: Middle school, teenage years, don't back off. 02:29.083 --> 02:33.972 [SPEAKER_00]: Don't smother them, but don't give up on connection because it's so important. 02:34.313 --> 02:36.618 [SPEAKER_00]: The Asfaith is not transferred through lectures. 02:36.778 --> 02:42.810 [SPEAKER_00]: It's formed through relationship and we get to have an amazing relationship with our kids. 02:42.790 --> 02:49.639 [SPEAKER_00]: Another really universal thread is this reassurance that your kids don't need perfect parents. 02:49.859 --> 02:52.903 [SPEAKER_00]: That is why we say perfectly imperfect here at Christian parenting. 02:53.264 --> 03:00.032 [SPEAKER_00]: Kids need parents who want to be in relationship with them who are honest, who are humble, and who are dependent on God. 03:00.072 --> 03:04.038 [SPEAKER_00]: I've had a lot of guests talk about the power of parents who apologize. 03:04.458 --> 03:05.980 [SPEAKER_00]: Think parents who say I was wrong. 03:05.960 --> 03:14.635 [SPEAKER_00]: Parents who pray out loud, even when the words are imperfecter, parents who show their kids what repentance and grace look like in real life, not just in stories. 03:14.996 --> 03:24.573 [SPEAKER_00]: Our kids are watching how we handle stress, how we treat people, how we talk about God, when life feels heavy, all that modeling that we do for our kids, it really matters. 03:24.733 --> 03:26.196 [SPEAKER_00]: It really, truly does. 03:26.176 --> 03:35.214 [SPEAKER_00]: So many of my guests have shared about being a child themselves and seeing their parents with their bibles open, sitting on coffee like really early in the morning. 03:35.275 --> 03:36.597 [SPEAKER_00]: And maybe you have that routine. 03:36.637 --> 03:37.860 [SPEAKER_00]: Maybe you don't. 03:38.221 --> 03:39.042 [SPEAKER_00]: We don't in my house. 03:39.102 --> 03:46.277 [SPEAKER_00]: My kids don't wake up early enough for that anyway, but what do your kids see you doing into model and authentic and active faith in Jesus? 03:46.257 --> 03:51.464 [SPEAKER_00]: Like, is it stopping to pray with someone instead of just saying, I'll pray for you, or volunteer in church? 03:51.825 --> 03:55.951 [SPEAKER_00]: Is it displaying the fruit of the spirit and using spiritual gifts to serve others? 03:56.171 --> 03:59.496 [SPEAKER_00]: Is it bringing food to people who need a meal or just some extra support? 03:59.857 --> 04:03.442 [SPEAKER_00]: Or again, is it just being quick to apologize and full of grace? 04:03.762 --> 04:11.674 [SPEAKER_00]: Scripture tells us that God's power shows up most clearly in weakness, not perfection, and that is great news for parents like us. 04:12.014 --> 04:16.180 [SPEAKER_00]: Because a polished faith is not nearly as powerful as not authentic one. 04:16.160 --> 04:18.143 [SPEAKER_00]: So don't forget to show your kids that. 04:18.203 --> 04:22.509 [SPEAKER_00]: It sounds so simple, but it is so true modeling matters. 04:22.889 --> 04:30.820 [SPEAKER_00]: And another theme that I think is so freeing for so many parents is that we can value consistency over intensity. 04:31.221 --> 04:45.120 [SPEAKER_00]: A lot of people have reminded me that small faithful practices over time, matter than the big, a lot of my guests have reminded me that small faithful practices over time matter more than those big emotional moments. 04:45.100 --> 04:49.066 [SPEAKER_00]: You do not need to have like a big, perfect family, a devotional every night. 04:49.126 --> 04:53.373 [SPEAKER_00]: You do not need to have elaborate spiritual plans or some big retreat. 04:53.894 --> 04:54.936 [SPEAKER_00]: You need consistency. 04:55.296 --> 04:56.518 [SPEAKER_00]: You need consistency. 04:56.578 --> 04:57.900 [SPEAKER_00]: Like, think habits stacking. 04:58.261 --> 05:01.025 [SPEAKER_00]: Big summer camp mountaintop experiences are great. 05:01.045 --> 05:02.728 [SPEAKER_00]: Like so many of us have had those. 05:03.048 --> 05:08.717 [SPEAKER_00]: I came to fate that summer camp and always left summer camp being like so on fire for the Lord and that's so good. 05:08.737 --> 05:09.859 [SPEAKER_00]: There's nothing wrong with 05:09.839 --> 05:17.834 [SPEAKER_00]: that, like I encourage that, but real every day moments can also be turned into faithful moments and make a really big impact over time. 05:17.874 --> 05:22.262 [SPEAKER_00]: So we can really keep things simple as long as we're doing it regularly. 05:22.623 --> 05:27.311 [SPEAKER_00]: Like try a short prayer or a blessing for school or a scripture that you come back to often. 05:27.371 --> 05:30.918 [SPEAKER_00]: My mom used to send us off to school and say, today is the day the Lord has made. 05:31.118 --> 05:33.062 [SPEAKER_00]: Let us rejoice and be glad in it. 05:33.346 --> 05:36.932 [SPEAKER_00]: It always makes me smile and I do the same to my kids sometimes too now. 05:37.393 --> 05:39.737 [SPEAKER_00]: I bless them every morning before they go to school. 05:40.098 --> 05:44.205 [SPEAKER_00]: But maybe you have just a regular rhythm of church in conversations and presence. 05:44.526 --> 05:45.668 [SPEAKER_00]: Whether that's that bedtime. 05:46.109 --> 05:51.959 [SPEAKER_00]: My kids love to talk really late at night when I'm tired or during car rides, like have those conversations. 05:52.120 --> 05:56.287 [SPEAKER_00]: Practice confession, practice forgiveness and repairing relationship. 05:56.307 --> 05:57.970 [SPEAKER_00]: Pray before your meals. 05:57.950 --> 06:10.047 [SPEAKER_00]: be gracious in those hard moments after school and emotions spill out and everyone's hungry and tired, all those everyday moments matter more than the formal lessons or the big experiences. 06:10.427 --> 06:12.851 [SPEAKER_00]: Discipleship is happening whether we realize it or not. 06:13.191 --> 06:21.122 [SPEAKER_00]: And so the question is not whether we are discipling our kids, is what story they are absorbing about God through our consistent presence. 06:21.102 --> 06:24.187 [SPEAKER_00]: Faith grows through repetition, not through pressure. 06:24.247 --> 06:30.699 [SPEAKER_00]: And you really do think that one parent's here this, you can almost like feel the exhale because consistency in the everyday is doable. 06:31.139 --> 06:36.068 [SPEAKER_00]: Intensity is exhausting, but consistency every day moments, that's doable. 06:36.108 --> 06:37.570 [SPEAKER_00]: So don't feel overwhelmed. 06:37.590 --> 06:40.275 [SPEAKER_00]: You're doing a great job doing what you're already doing. 06:40.255 --> 06:46.246 [SPEAKER_00]: Another thing that people talk about a lot is to create a safe space for questions and for doubts. 06:46.587 --> 06:48.851 [SPEAKER_00]: This is especially with tweens or teens. 06:48.911 --> 06:51.676 [SPEAKER_00]: This theme comes up again and again with that age group. 06:51.856 --> 06:53.279 [SPEAKER_00]: Questions are not the enemy of faith. 06:53.640 --> 06:55.463 [SPEAKER_00]: Doubt is not a failure. 06:55.443 --> 07:00.389 [SPEAKER_00]: I think every single one of us has had to wrestle through questions in order to make our faith our own. 07:00.810 --> 07:03.072 [SPEAKER_00]: And if we don't do that, we just adopt our parents' faith. 07:03.433 --> 07:06.236 [SPEAKER_00]: And if you did do that, you wrestled, you dug deep. 07:06.296 --> 07:07.458 [SPEAKER_00]: You made your faith your own. 07:07.558 --> 07:10.962 [SPEAKER_00]: And you have to expect that your kids are going to do that as well. 07:11.383 --> 07:13.085 [SPEAKER_00]: And there may be some bumps along the way. 07:13.185 --> 07:15.488 [SPEAKER_00]: Like my faith journey has not been perfect. 07:15.528 --> 07:17.350 [SPEAKER_00]: And I still have a long way to go. 07:17.330 --> 07:21.414 [SPEAKER_00]: I worked through a lot of flawed theology, you know, and I still have to work through even more of that. 07:21.775 --> 07:22.796 [SPEAKER_00]: But it is okay. 07:22.856 --> 07:23.777 [SPEAKER_00]: It is a process. 07:23.877 --> 07:26.199 [SPEAKER_00]: It's a story that God is writing. 07:26.539 --> 07:27.540 [SPEAKER_00]: He knows the ending. 07:27.981 --> 07:33.326 [SPEAKER_00]: A lot of my guests say that kids who are allowed to wrestle are more likely to own their faith long-term. 07:33.346 --> 07:38.312 [SPEAKER_00]: And when kids feel like they have to hide their questions, they disconnect, which is not what we want. 07:38.632 --> 07:40.674 [SPEAKER_00]: When they feel safe to ask, they engage. 07:41.054 --> 07:42.696 [SPEAKER_00]: So our role is not to have all the answers. 07:42.676 --> 07:52.255 [SPEAKER_00]: It's to stay present in the conversation, and sometimes the best response is that's a great question, let's find out together, or that's a great question, let's ask somebody together. 07:52.295 --> 07:54.239 [SPEAKER_00]: So don't panic at the questions. 07:54.320 --> 07:54.861 [SPEAKER_00]: It's good. 07:54.901 --> 08:00.432 [SPEAKER_00]: It means that your kids are thinking and they're taking their faith seriously, just like we want them to be. 08:00.773 --> 08:03.418 [SPEAKER_00]: So just be a soft place to land for them. 08:03.398 --> 08:11.311 [SPEAKER_00]: And one of the most freeing themes that I'm reminded over and over again when I talk to my guests is that parents are not the whole he's spirit. 08:11.692 --> 08:17.742 [SPEAKER_00]: This may seem obvious, but sometimes we forget it as parents, but you are not responsible for your child's salvation. 08:18.102 --> 08:21.528 [SPEAKER_00]: You are not responsible for controlling their faith outcomes again. 08:21.568 --> 08:23.972 [SPEAKER_00]: God is writing their story, not you. 08:23.952 --> 08:31.289 [SPEAKER_00]: So yes, he used the resources and the tools and the knowledge that you have to consistently point your kids to Jesus and you pray for them and you pray with them. 08:31.650 --> 08:35.981 [SPEAKER_00]: But my guess constantly remind me that our job is faithfulness not results. 08:36.321 --> 08:39.970 [SPEAKER_00]: We plant, we water and God brings the growth. 08:39.950 --> 08:50.171 [SPEAKER_00]: I kind of think that when we try to control the outcomes, it often creates pressure and fear and distance, and it makes our kids feel like they have to do things one way or else they fail. 08:50.391 --> 08:54.179 [SPEAKER_00]: And it makes us feel like if our kids don't perform, then we fail as parents. 08:54.540 --> 09:00.051 [SPEAKER_00]: And any results from that is just behavior modification, not heart transformation, but when we 09:00.031 --> 09:03.395 [SPEAKER_00]: But when we surrender control, it creates space for trust. 09:03.755 --> 09:05.036 [SPEAKER_00]: And this doesn't mean we disengage. 09:05.177 --> 09:10.963 [SPEAKER_00]: It doesn't mean that we're off the hook for teaching our kids about Jesus, that is such an important job that we do have. 09:11.323 --> 09:14.887 [SPEAKER_00]: It just means that we partner with God instead of trying to replace him. 09:15.227 --> 09:23.136 [SPEAKER_00]: It means surrendering our kids over to him, knowing that he loves them even more than we do, and that is really hard to believe, but it's true. 09:23.116 --> 09:38.256 [SPEAKER_00]: And finally, just a reminder that Grace changes the tone of your home, across all ages and topics guess return to this truth over and over and over again, homes shaped by grace just feel different because Grace changes the posture of our hearts. 09:38.236 --> 09:39.498 [SPEAKER_00]: Grace invites growth. 09:39.898 --> 09:42.102 [SPEAKER_00]: Shame it just shuts kids and adults down. 09:42.462 --> 09:48.871 [SPEAKER_00]: Discipline rooted in relationship reflects the gospel way more clearly than discipline rooted in fear. 09:48.932 --> 09:52.777 [SPEAKER_00]: And you know the beautiful thing is that grace is not something that we have to manufacture. 09:52.877 --> 09:55.561 [SPEAKER_00]: It's something that we receive from God and then pass along. 09:55.962 --> 10:00.328 [SPEAKER_00]: We need to give ourselves grace as parents because God already does. 10:00.308 --> 10:02.032 [SPEAKER_00]: We're just not going to do everything perfectly. 10:02.372 --> 10:03.074 [SPEAKER_00]: We're going to mess up. 10:03.434 --> 10:04.477 [SPEAKER_00]: We're going to have bad days. 10:04.837 --> 10:06.400 [SPEAKER_00]: We're going to regret things. 10:06.421 --> 10:07.122 [SPEAKER_00]: We're going to yell. 10:07.162 --> 10:08.224 [SPEAKER_00]: We're going to get off track. 10:08.284 --> 10:08.906 [SPEAKER_00]: Like we're human. 10:08.926 --> 10:09.868 [SPEAKER_00]: We're not super human. 10:09.888 --> 10:10.990 [SPEAKER_00]: There is no super mom. 10:11.050 --> 10:13.375 [SPEAKER_00]: I know that we like to imagine that there is. 10:13.435 --> 10:15.158 [SPEAKER_00]: And that we see them on social media. 10:15.178 --> 10:16.621 [SPEAKER_00]: But there is no super mom. 10:16.641 --> 10:18.385 [SPEAKER_00]: She just doesn't exist. 10:18.365 --> 10:26.594 [SPEAKER_00]: But when we rely on God and His Holy Spirit, he's going to fill in the gaps that we miss, which is kind of another point, and that is that God promises restoration. 10:26.975 --> 10:29.838 [SPEAKER_00]: So in the Bible, the Book of Joel, it opens with the crisis. 10:30.219 --> 10:46.397 [SPEAKER_00]: God sends a massive locust invasion, and it has just destroyed crops, livelihood, food supply, and it's not just like this physical disaster of not having food and locust being everywhere, but it's a spiritual 10:46.377 --> 10:53.973 [SPEAKER_00]: to prayer, and to fasting, and to acknowledge their dependence on God, which sometimes really hard for all of us. 10:54.313 --> 11:00.847 [SPEAKER_00]: But when they acknowledge their dependence on God, and when they turn to Him, in response, God says that He will restore what feels lost. 11:01.188 --> 11:05.196 [SPEAKER_00]: He says, I will give you back what you lost to the swarming locus. 11:05.176 --> 11:15.106 [SPEAKER_00]: See, he's not promising to like rewind time and erase the consequences of their previous behavior, he's not saying like, all undo all that, but he does promise redemption. 11:15.486 --> 11:34.204 [SPEAKER_00]: Unless you're a farmer, you're probably not, like, worried about crops being destroyed, but what this means for all parents is that even the gaps that we worry about, the moments that we regret, the mistakes that we've made, even the seasons that we wish that we could 11:34.184 --> 11:38.771 [SPEAKER_00]: I look back on some things and choices that made in my own parenting, and I wish I had done it differently. 11:39.132 --> 11:52.272 [SPEAKER_00]: But I remind myself that God redeems that choice, and what may or may not have been lost during that time were due to different things that have happened in our family, he will restore them all, because of his love and because of his grace. 11:52.392 --> 12:00.765 [SPEAKER_00]: And when we're filled with that truth, and God's amazing grace, we can freely extend it to our kids, but we have to take it for us too. 12:00.745 --> 12:03.369 [SPEAKER_00]: If there's one thing that I hope that you hear today, it's this. 12:03.790 --> 12:05.252 [SPEAKER_00]: You're not missing a secret formula. 12:05.613 --> 12:09.920 [SPEAKER_00]: Across three years of conversations, guests do not tell parents to do more. 12:10.300 --> 12:15.509 [SPEAKER_00]: They simply invite parents to be faithful and present and humble and absolutely dependent. 12:15.849 --> 12:19.395 [SPEAKER_00]: Um, God is that work in your family, even on the days that it doesn't feel like it. 12:19.561 --> 12:25.472 [SPEAKER_00]: I am so grateful that I get to be a small part of your life by having these conversations with you. 12:25.492 --> 12:29.098 [SPEAKER_00]: Thank you for trusting me with your time and your parenting journey. 12:29.439 --> 12:32.344 [SPEAKER_00]: You are not alone and you are doing a great job. 12:32.705 --> 12:33.927 [SPEAKER_00]: May God bless you this week. 12:34.227 --> 12:40.759 [SPEAKER_00]: May you rely solely on him to be the best, perfectly imperfect mom or dad that he created you to be.