WEBVTT 00:00.111 --> 00:04.012 [SPEAKER_00]: Hi, it's me, Ania, and welcome back to Cousin Room podcast. 00:04.872 --> 00:08.513 [SPEAKER_02]: So I want to record it episode, but I don't feel like doing any writing. 00:09.233 --> 00:09.993 [SPEAKER_02]: It's all fun. 00:11.014 --> 00:13.194 [SPEAKER_02]: Because there's so many to choose from. 00:13.214 --> 00:16.395 [SPEAKER_02]: I'm on my lens, but I eat my lunch already. 00:16.415 --> 00:19.216 [SPEAKER_00]: Put a little lunch again. 00:29.751 --> 00:29.931 [SPEAKER_00]: Uh-huh. 00:29.951 --> 00:31.032 [SPEAKER_00]: She said I'm sorry that you're as left you alone. 00:31.052 --> 00:33.695 [SPEAKER_02]: Wait, are you a friend or not? 00:33.715 --> 00:47.848 [SPEAKER_02]: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha 00:48.853 --> 00:54.677 [SPEAKER_00]: I already did the notes for this, because she's, you know, she's just so prepared. 00:55.657 --> 01:11.207 [SPEAKER_02]: Um, I would be somebody's bomb assistant, like somebody's running like a successful business in life and they need to like a right hand person to just have all their stuff and over there, it's me, but I can't be that for nobody because I 01:12.261 --> 01:12.741 [SPEAKER_02]: have children. 01:15.222 --> 01:16.062 [SPEAKER_00]: They need me. 01:16.543 --> 01:18.063 [SPEAKER_02]: Okay, to keep them on track. 01:18.123 --> 01:20.604 [SPEAKER_02]: Anyway, this is season 23. 01:21.104 --> 01:22.264 [SPEAKER_02]: My name is Shan. 01:23.605 --> 01:28.186 [SPEAKER_02]: My off spring is at the beginning and the end of each episode. 01:28.407 --> 01:29.827 [SPEAKER_02]: So this is a group effort. 01:29.987 --> 01:31.488 [SPEAKER_02]: Okay, I appreciate them. 01:32.728 --> 01:35.669 [SPEAKER_02]: I keep them little voices on my show. 01:35.769 --> 01:37.870 [SPEAKER_02]: So as they get older and their voice 01:42.335 --> 01:49.098 [SPEAKER_02]: Anyway, this is episode 22, it is another, I think, I like it. 01:50.519 --> 01:56.742 [SPEAKER_02]: Um, and we're still talking about this idea if I had a son, what would I teach him, okay? 01:57.242 --> 02:00.904 [SPEAKER_02]: And reality, I do not have any sons. 02:01.884 --> 02:06.546 [SPEAKER_02]: Um, the Lord did not want to give me any boys. 02:06.566 --> 02:10.168 [SPEAKER_02]: And the more I get to look at your social media, 02:11.162 --> 02:22.228 [SPEAKER_02]: to see what boys get into, what boys do and the cost of boys, just things that they need in life as they get older. 02:22.428 --> 02:25.110 [SPEAKER_02]: It's very expensive. 02:25.590 --> 02:27.531 [SPEAKER_02]: So maybe the Lord was saving me, okay? 02:28.552 --> 02:31.353 [SPEAKER_02]: Anywho, we are talking about the triple seas, okay? 02:31.853 --> 02:35.275 [SPEAKER_02]: Competence, compassion, and capability, all right? 02:35.795 --> 02:40.198 [SPEAKER_02]: Raising a son is one thing, but are you raising them to think? 02:42.051 --> 02:45.473 [SPEAKER_02]: How do they handle solving problems alone? 02:46.974 --> 02:51.557 [SPEAKER_02]: How do they prioritize what they need to do versus what they want to do? 02:52.577 --> 02:58.121 [SPEAKER_02]: And critical thinking is such a skill that is built through experience to the point where 02:59.870 --> 03:19.877 [SPEAKER_02]: Jobs will not hire you if you cannot give them a great example of a time where you have to use your critical thinking skills dealing with employees or client or just on a day-to-day level because there are levels so critically to critical thinking, right? 03:20.717 --> 03:29.946 [SPEAKER_02]: When your son interacts with other people, is he kind, is he self-aware, is he observant of what's going on in the room when he steps in there? 03:29.966 --> 03:39.095 [SPEAKER_02]: If a friend takes your son to a party or an event, do they have to hold his hand all the way through? 03:40.185 --> 03:54.751 [SPEAKER_02]: You know, everything that's going on or can he come to the party that his friend invited him to and have different discussions with people he's meeting can he introduce himself that she keep eye contact with people he's talking to. 03:54.771 --> 04:05.636 [SPEAKER_02]: That she have manners, that she have a level of integrity where that friend doesn't have to monitor what he's going to say to people. 04:06.655 --> 04:21.464 [SPEAKER_02]: So all of those things go into, well, I'm going to talk about today, because decision-making wise, you want to raise a son that chooses well, makes smart choices and can think ahead. 04:30.944 --> 04:45.473 [SPEAKER_02]: Not, he does them, but it's terrible, not when I ask him to do it, he halfway does it, like, can he completely, if you said to your son right now, and your son was nine years old, go watch the dishes. 04:46.694 --> 04:58.642 [SPEAKER_02]: Has your son seen you watch the dishes enough times, where you could be confident in the fact that he's going to watch each dish, each fork, each cup in there properly, and put it where he needs to go. 05:00.118 --> 05:05.781 [SPEAKER_02]: Or are you dreading going into your kitchen because you know there's gonna be water all over the floor? 05:06.582 --> 05:09.243 [SPEAKER_02]: Stuff is gonna have food on it still like. 05:09.784 --> 05:10.904 [SPEAKER_02]: That's what I'm talking about. 05:12.005 --> 05:18.228 [SPEAKER_02]: Is your son struggling to do life skills because you haven't taught him or he hasn't been experienced? 05:18.669 --> 05:23.591 [SPEAKER_02]: Or is he struggling to do life skills because you just never made him do it? 05:25.172 --> 05:28.094 [SPEAKER_02]: All of that goes into your son's competence. 05:28.675 --> 05:36.158 [SPEAKER_02]: but he's capable of, and if he has compassion to be mingling with other people, welcome to closing one podcast. 05:40.820 --> 05:49.965 [SPEAKER_02]: In order to build competence, better competence and voice, unfortunately, unfortunately, mom, you need step away. 05:51.365 --> 05:55.027 [SPEAKER_02]: You have to stop trying to fix all of your son's problems for him. 05:56.505 --> 05:59.787 [SPEAKER_02]: Your son's competence will only get better at the way experience. 06:00.608 --> 06:04.510 [SPEAKER_02]: Okay, guidance at first, but mostly through experience. 06:05.351 --> 06:06.792 [SPEAKER_02]: Do not empty praise him. 06:06.852 --> 06:07.873 [SPEAKER_02]: I talked about that. 06:08.353 --> 06:14.897 [SPEAKER_02]: If you see him working on something, let them be aware that you noticed their consistency that they're working on something. 06:14.937 --> 06:15.558 [SPEAKER_02]: The fact that 06:16.018 --> 06:24.562 [SPEAKER_02]: They could have been outside or they could have been on their game system instead of studying or working on their project that they know is doing a couple of weeks. 06:25.102 --> 06:29.484 [SPEAKER_02]: I let him know that your effort is not in vain. 06:29.504 --> 06:29.604 [SPEAKER_02]: Okay? 06:31.563 --> 06:37.366 [SPEAKER_02]: let boys explore what they find interesting even if you don't understand it. 06:37.686 --> 06:44.170 [SPEAKER_02]: Like I don't understand Pokemon cards, but I'm not going to stop my kids from like in Pokemon cards because I don't understand them. 06:44.610 --> 06:46.771 [SPEAKER_02]: I don't understand or like Roblox. 06:47.491 --> 06:54.175 [SPEAKER_02]: But I want monitor was going on a Roblox, but I'm not going to be getting into it to the point where I want to play this game with you on Roblox. 06:54.735 --> 07:00.419 [SPEAKER_02]: or I want to be in the conversation every time that you're talking to your friend on roadblocks about it. 07:00.799 --> 07:15.448 [SPEAKER_02]: Every once and again, I'm not going to sit here in my, I will grab the iPad and go through pictures, I will grab the iPad and go through messages because I want to make sure the discussions and things that are being sent to my child is appropriate. 07:16.185 --> 07:19.727 [SPEAKER_02]: I want to make sure the pictures that they are taking are appropriate, okay? 07:20.127 --> 07:27.350 [SPEAKER_02]: And now on a lot of gadgets, there's a way for you to hide videos, hide pictures, hide apps. 07:27.691 --> 07:29.311 [SPEAKER_02]: No, I want to see it all. 07:30.212 --> 07:32.213 [SPEAKER_02]: I want to see it all, right? 07:33.273 --> 07:40.437 [SPEAKER_02]: I have the family app on my phone where I can see everything that Ania is doing on her phone. 07:41.116 --> 07:44.017 [SPEAKER_02]: I could see all the calls she's making. 07:44.117 --> 07:47.937 [SPEAKER_02]: I could see how much time she's spending on certain apps. 07:48.077 --> 07:49.198 [SPEAKER_02]: I could lock the phone. 07:49.278 --> 07:50.638 [SPEAKER_02]: I could see her location. 07:52.698 --> 07:54.979 [SPEAKER_02]: I can limit her downloading thing. 07:55.039 --> 08:00.740 [SPEAKER_02]: So when parents say, you know what, you know, my child has a phone, you know, I just make sure I pay for it. 08:00.760 --> 08:02.280 [SPEAKER_02]: I don't know what they're doing on the phone. 08:02.820 --> 08:05.501 [SPEAKER_02]: That's a willful ignorance. 08:07.498 --> 08:07.878 [SPEAKER_02]: Okay. 08:08.279 --> 08:24.974 [SPEAKER_02]: That's being willfully ignorant to doing your parental duty and protecting your child from the world because that's what we have to do until they're old enough to protect themselves in it, right? 08:25.734 --> 08:28.697 [SPEAKER_02]: So let's hop into compassion because that's important. 08:36.013 --> 08:38.054 [SPEAKER_02]: Let's talk about compassion. 08:38.754 --> 08:58.581 [SPEAKER_02]: Okay, this is where I'm talking about empathy, vulnerability, emotional awareness, because we all know adults who lack these things, but that doesn't necessarily mean that we have to default and raise a son that are going to lack these things, right? 08:59.201 --> 09:01.122 [SPEAKER_02]: Emotional awareness is 09:02.751 --> 09:21.296 [SPEAKER_02]: The fact that your son should be able to recognize other people's moods, their mood, and changes in other people for the understanding of other people in their choices and why they're doing something or why they're not doing or why they don't want to come to the party, why they don't want to participate. 09:22.477 --> 09:27.718 [SPEAKER_02]: After something was said in the friend group, this person got really quiet and distant and I felt it. 09:29.085 --> 09:30.167 [SPEAKER_02]: emotional awareness. 09:30.928 --> 09:33.090 [SPEAKER_02]: Warneral ability, okay? 09:33.251 --> 09:40.100 [SPEAKER_02]: That is the ability for your son to be honest about what he's feeling with his thinking with people. 09:41.212 --> 09:51.997 [SPEAKER_02]: Um, knowing when to share certain things with people, his ability to admit when he's wrong or admit when he could have said something better or did something in a better way. 09:52.017 --> 10:06.043 [SPEAKER_02]: And it's really how he expresses himself, even though the odds are, even if I express myself in this way, this person may still say no, or this person may still not want to be my friend. 10:06.503 --> 10:08.384 [SPEAKER_02]: Or this person may still not want me. 10:08.984 --> 10:23.542 [SPEAKER_02]: to play the game with them after I say this, but this is my truth, empathetic and the ability to be empathetic to other people is being able to relate to other people, protect, 10:24.287 --> 10:36.914 [SPEAKER_02]: yourself and other people from harm even though that's not your family, even though that's not your parent, even though that's not your nephew or your niece or that's not your dog or cat. 10:37.694 --> 10:43.117 [SPEAKER_02]: If you don't want to see something bad happen to a person, this is where your empathy comes into play, right? 10:44.237 --> 11:10.732 [SPEAKER_02]: Your ability to name feelings that you are thinking or feeling and being able to connect with other people and this includes talking about your feelings This includes being able to hug people without a meaning something more pat people on the back to encourage them Encouraging good things when something bad happens and teaching your son that kind acts 11:12.769 --> 11:35.620 [SPEAKER_02]: Do matter like you could be kind to a person and it doesn't mean that you like them You could be kind to a person and it doesn't mean that you'll be with everything that they do or everything that they say Sharing toys sharing games food Sharing space or giving somebody room or if you if you see a friend upset knowing when to back off 11:36.705 --> 11:49.694 [SPEAKER_02]: And just let them know, hey, if you need anything, call me or hey, if you need me to come help you do X, Y, and Z, let me know, you know, how to help a person when you see a person struggling. 11:50.194 --> 12:01.182 [SPEAKER_02]: I remember being really young and seeing my youngest brother struggle with showing empathy when I kid fell or. 12:02.502 --> 12:09.204 [SPEAKER_02]: Even as he got older, him struggling with what to do when a child hurts themselves. 12:09.944 --> 12:14.865 [SPEAKER_02]: And you're the older person in the room, you supposed to act. 12:15.665 --> 12:17.666 [SPEAKER_02]: And he's just standing there, right? 12:18.606 --> 12:23.927 [SPEAKER_02]: A lot of boys in a lot of men struggle with how to show empathy. 12:24.913 --> 12:33.801 [SPEAKER_02]: because if they don't feel a direct responsibility for a person, they feel like that's not my place or that's not my job. 12:34.461 --> 12:51.156 [SPEAKER_02]: And the reality is, guess and know, but to be empathetic, sometimes you don't have to have a responsibility for a person to have to show up for a person. 12:52.162 --> 12:57.404 [SPEAKER_02]: And that's what you want to teach your son in order for them to be a well-rounded individual. 12:57.904 --> 13:00.445 [SPEAKER_02]: Lastly, let's talk about your son's capability. 13:01.566 --> 13:16.732 [SPEAKER_02]: Your son's capability depends on the experiences you allow him to have to see if what he's thinking is going to create the result that he thought. 13:21.113 --> 13:28.809 [SPEAKER_02]: Do you take the time to help build the confidence your son needs? 13:30.610 --> 13:50.688 [SPEAKER_02]: in order for him to know he can, if he wants to, or he's capable of doing the things that he wants to do, or he can win, or he can get an A because you've done X, Y, and Z work, or we've studied this all week. 13:51.668 --> 13:56.693 [SPEAKER_02]: It is very possible that you can get an A because you've done all this practice. 13:58.182 --> 14:10.504 [SPEAKER_02]: Compared to Michael Jordan, it is very highly probable that you will have a good game because you're always practicing, right? 14:11.244 --> 14:21.446 [SPEAKER_02]: So, your son needs to understand that knowing and practicing the work will help you feel 14:28.394 --> 14:28.754 [SPEAKER_02]: a thing. 14:29.775 --> 14:40.843 [SPEAKER_02]: Academically, you should know what your son's strengths and weaknesses are, and whatever they're weak in, you should work on it, and whatever they're strong in, you should support it. 14:42.043 --> 14:52.891 [SPEAKER_02]: Do you allow them to feel safe to be vulnerable with you about what they're not sure about, what they don't feel good about when it comes to themselves, how they look, 14:54.423 --> 15:08.787 [SPEAKER_02]: There's somebody say something to you about some of you are wearing, how you smell, your skin, the way that you talk like, what is on your mind, what is bothering you, right? 15:09.247 --> 15:12.408 [SPEAKER_02]: What is getting in the way of you having 15:12.748 --> 15:15.330 [SPEAKER_02]: great confidence when it comes to who you are. 15:15.891 --> 15:24.998 [SPEAKER_02]: Help your son with writing, help your son with reading, help your son with math skills, help your son with life skills. 15:26.309 --> 15:42.479 [SPEAKER_02]: boiling water, cleaning things, cleaning the bathroom, cleaning their room, how to properly iron, when to use spray starch, how to properly clean their sneakers, how to hang things properly. 15:43.500 --> 15:49.063 [SPEAKER_02]: If your son is exposed to all these people in his life that are doing things 15:58.658 --> 16:17.573 [SPEAKER_02]: And in reverse, if you are surrounding your child with people who are not doing their best, who are not trying, who do not show up when they need to show up, who do not do the things that they need to do, what are the odds that your son will go against that and do something 16:25.189 --> 16:27.011 [SPEAKER_02]: is around your child is important. 16:27.491 --> 16:30.894 [SPEAKER_02]: Be in mindful of the environment you are raising your child in. 16:31.454 --> 16:45.066 [SPEAKER_02]: Be in mindful of this type of school you're sending your child to because the reality is teachers and faculty and other children spend more time with your child than a parent does 16:47.470 --> 16:55.615 [SPEAKER_02]: Even if a parent is staying at home and sends their kids to school, people at that school spend more time with your child than you will in a year. 16:56.996 --> 16:58.957 [SPEAKER_02]: And you're in America, OK? 17:00.238 --> 17:03.480 [SPEAKER_02]: So you only have so much influence. 17:05.701 --> 17:06.101 [SPEAKER_02]: All right. 17:06.622 --> 17:12.465 [SPEAKER_02]: I spend more time with my kids on Friday, Saturday, Sunday. 17:17.721 --> 17:30.369 [SPEAKER_02]: majority of their day, they're in school, or they're on a bus, or they're in a classroom, or they're around teachers, or they're around other kids. 17:32.630 --> 17:46.418 [SPEAKER_02]: So all I can do is prepare them, is reinforce things, is undo what they should not be doing, undo what's wrong and what they 17:49.187 --> 17:53.971 [SPEAKER_02]: And this is why people need to give teachers their credit. 17:55.372 --> 18:01.737 [SPEAKER_02]: Because they are doing one of the most important jobs that there is when it comes to children. 18:07.161 --> 18:10.924 [SPEAKER_01]: And they deserve all the appreciation and all the respect. 18:13.746 --> 18:15.308 [SPEAKER_02]: And if you are in a home where 18:16.538 --> 18:33.925 [SPEAKER_02]: Your child can be around their grandparents and their grandparents show up for them and their grandparents sometimes walk them to and from school and their grandparents make sure they have something to eat and their grandparents pay for their extra curricular activities or their tutor appreciate that. 18:34.526 --> 18:38.307 [SPEAKER_02]: Not a lot of people have that, okay? 18:40.108 --> 18:44.590 [SPEAKER_02]: That's like a luxury village, all right? 18:46.052 --> 18:47.312 [SPEAKER_02]: But these are the triple seas. 18:47.433 --> 18:50.554 [SPEAKER_02]: And if I had a son, I would be on top of it. 18:51.154 --> 18:54.795 [SPEAKER_02]: And if you have a son out there, please be on top of it. 18:55.376 --> 18:59.097 [SPEAKER_02]: I appreciate you checking out another episode of Cozy Room Podcast. 18:59.477 --> 19:04.139 [SPEAKER_02]: And if you want to find me, go find me on IG, Twitter, and ShabbyPodden.com. 19:04.619 --> 19:08.161 [SPEAKER_02]: And if you're looking for merch to support the podcast, I appreciate you. 19:08.721 --> 19:10.101 [SPEAKER_02]: You will appreciate the merch. 19:10.261 --> 19:11.402 [SPEAKER_02]: It ships out fast. 19:11.922 --> 19:14.343 [SPEAKER_02]: You can use PayPal, Apple Payne, 19:15.398 --> 19:33.186 [SPEAKER_02]: I think you use that, but by and any major credit card to pay and I have putties, I have sweatshirts, I have coffee mugs, I have tote bags, I have long sleeve shirts, I have t-shirts but everything is on the shambi product spot. 19:33.887 --> 19:38.409 [SPEAKER_02]: I appreciate you, you know I'll be back with another one because this is what I do.