[SPEAKER_00]: Hello, good morning and welcome back, or welcome to Morning Ray.
[SPEAKER_00]: I'm your host, Lannit.
[SPEAKER_00]: Today's episode is an Ask Lann advice column.
[SPEAKER_00]: It's been a hot minute since we did an Ask Lann, and so I thought,
[SPEAKER_00]: we were overdue for a catch-up.
[SPEAKER_00]: I thought I'd answer some of your questions.
[SPEAKER_00]: I do weekly asklands on my Instagram stories on Mondays.
[SPEAKER_00]: If you ever want to ask anything, I always love to do it once a month, every five episodes or so on the podcast.
[SPEAKER_00]: I think it's been more than five episodes.
[SPEAKER_00]: So we are well well overdue.
[SPEAKER_00]: I'm really excited.
[SPEAKER_00]: I have a bunch of questions here for you guys.
[SPEAKER_00]: Everything from dating to friendships to wellness.
[SPEAKER_00]: I would say that's kind of the theme.
[SPEAKER_00]: of today's questions, just based off of what you guys were asking me.
[SPEAKER_00]: I'm really excited to get into it, but before we do, let's have a little life updates, some current baves, and then I'll answer your questions.
[SPEAKER_00]: I finally ordered my math supplies.
[SPEAKER_00]: You guys, if you were listening a few episodes back, I mentioned wanting
[SPEAKER_00]: to do more activities or exercises for my cognitive health, my mental health and just like really trying to keep things sharp and to put pen to paper because I've been reading a few things that say that it's good for mental health and longevity and good with just like your memory.
[SPEAKER_00]: There's a lot of studies coming out about prevention for Alzheimer's and dementia.
[SPEAKER_00]: I think
[SPEAKER_00]: that is something that honestly kind of terrifies me when I think about those things and potentially having that diagnosis when I'm older I think it's really scary as an individual to experience and I know it's really hard as a family member to watch.
[SPEAKER_00]: So
[SPEAKER_00]: I want to be as proactive as possible, but I digress on a lighter note.
[SPEAKER_00]: I finally got my math supplies.
[SPEAKER_00]: I started doing math.
[SPEAKER_00]: I've done it two days in a row now.
[SPEAKER_00]: I have my math time.
[SPEAKER_00]: I spoke a bit about it on TikTok.
[SPEAKER_00]: I found this website.
[SPEAKER_00]: I think it's called like Jensen Math or something.
[SPEAKER_00]: I'll link it in the show notes.
[SPEAKER_00]: Essentially, it's the entire Ontario High School Math curriculum.
[SPEAKER_00]: They have grade nine math.
[SPEAKER_00]: 10, 11, 12 advanced functions, functions, calculus, all of it.
[SPEAKER_00]: So I've just been going through doing it the lessons.
[SPEAKER_00]: There's a video and then there's also homework.
[SPEAKER_00]: You can do sometimes to do the homework.
[SPEAKER_00]: Sometimes I just do the lessons.
[SPEAKER_00]: And it's honestly a lot of fun.
[SPEAKER_00]: I have my calculator out.
[SPEAKER_00]: I have my
[SPEAKER_00]: Midliners, mild liners, and my pencils and everything, and honestly it feels really good to just be putting pen to paper using my brain.
[SPEAKER_00]: Honestly, for a lot of things been encouraging myself to do the simpler math without a calculator, again, because I feel like I don't really use that part of my brain.
[SPEAKER_00]: anymore and your brain is like a muscle if you don't use it you lose it.
[SPEAKER_00]: So it's honestly really interesting to see how much evidence is coming back to me.
[SPEAKER_00]: There are so many things that I learned in math that I didn't even remember.
[SPEAKER_00]: I remembered how much I hate fractions and converting from mixed to normal.
[SPEAKER_00]: I don't know.
[SPEAKER_00]: just regular fractions and mixed fractions like all of that I hated that.
[SPEAKER_00]: I skipped that that unit, but or that lesson per se, but it's been a lot of fun playing with exponents and whatnot.
[SPEAKER_00]: I don't know how I'm excited to keep this hobby up and I really encourage you to be curious and if there are things that you miss about schooling or your youth to maybe pick them up again, find ways to get yourself off of your phone to be using your brain and to kind of work again
[SPEAKER_00]: culture that has developed in the past few years.
[SPEAKER_00]: Really, really been loving math, loving, reading nonfiction again.
[SPEAKER_00]: I'm still reading the confidence code.
[SPEAKER_00]: I finished two fiction books so far.
[SPEAKER_00]: I've been really into kind of history and thriller books.
[SPEAKER_00]: So I was reading the night and gal.
[SPEAKER_00]: I finished that such a beautiful story.
[SPEAKER_00]: I learned so much about World War II and I really
[SPEAKER_00]: World War II and got really specific with details to the story and if you don't know I am Jewish and obviously the Holocaust happened during World War II and I can never really fully comprehend how it happened and how people let it happen and so getting to kind of live through it in a way through
[SPEAKER_00]: the timeline of the book and knowing that a lot of this was based on fact like yes it's fiction but she did do a lot of research and a lot of it was very factual just understanding how much of it was kept under the radar by the Germans.
[SPEAKER_00]: I just found that really fascinating and interesting to learn a little bit scary.
[SPEAKER_00]: To be honest, reading about in this day and age with everything that has been going on for the past few years, the rise in antisemitism, the rise in racism.
[SPEAKER_00]: A lot of conflict globally and a lot of people saying that history is repeating itself, but it was a really lovely and beautiful read and a nice switch up from what I'm used to reading because I typically
[SPEAKER_00]: go towards like the romcom and the super easy lighthearted read so that was a really nice switch up and then the book that I just finished was I think was the last thing he told me it was a thriller give me one moment and
[SPEAKER_00]: I do update all the books that I'm reading on my feeble, and I think my Kindle also sings with my goodreads, so you can follow me on either of those.
[SPEAKER_00]: The last thing he told me by Laura Dave, it was really, really good, great read.
[SPEAKER_00]: I finished it in about a week.
[SPEAKER_00]: I started January 15, finished on the 22nd.
[SPEAKER_00]: Nightingale, but was by Chris and Hannah, before that I read the wife between us, little secrets,
[SPEAKER_00]: little secrets I literally finished in a day, kind of crazy.
[SPEAKER_00]: And I read all three of the housemates.
[SPEAKER_00]: I saw the housemate movie a little bit back a little while ago with my boyfriend.
[SPEAKER_00]: It was good.
[SPEAKER_00]: It was good, but I feel like the book was just way better.
[SPEAKER_00]: And I also just saw last time I went and saw Marty Supreme.
[SPEAKER_00]: I thought this cinematography was really great, but I just felt like the movie was really long, and the ping pong scenes definitely could have been a lot shorter, and the plot was kind of all over the place, but kind of a fun movie to also go watch.
[SPEAKER_00]: I digress.
[SPEAKER_00]: really been into reading and doing math.
[SPEAKER_00]: I am back on my incline walking grind.
[SPEAKER_00]: I was sick with this chess cold that then turned into a head cold.
[SPEAKER_00]: It was not fun.
[SPEAKER_00]: So really haven't been doing any hyerox, um, hit style training or running in the past week.
[SPEAKER_00]: We're going to have two weeks.
[SPEAKER_00]: So just been doing my incline walk sometimes with ankle weights, sometimes without
[SPEAKER_00]: I've been liking doing an 8% incline at three miles per hour, and I've been liking doing them as a 10 minute warm-up before my lift.
[SPEAKER_00]: So I do a lower body lift once a week, and I do an upper body lift.
[SPEAKER_00]: As you guys know, I'm training for hierarchs right now in April, 7 lifting weights, and I want to keep up with it for the entirety of this year.
[SPEAKER_00]: And that's been really fun in itself.
[SPEAKER_00]: If you want to hear more about that, just let me know and I can definitely do an episode or a segment.
[SPEAKER_00]: on it but really been loving the incline walks you guys always ask me what incline would speed 8% sometimes i'll go like 5 to 7 if i have my ankle weights on 8% to 10% if i'm not wearing ankle weights and 3 miles per hour duration kind of changes but usually like max 30 minutes i love to read my condol while i'm doing that so habit sacking
[SPEAKER_00]: And with that said, really happened loving way training.
[SPEAKER_00]: It's been fun doing it again and rebuilding strength.
[SPEAKER_00]: And it's always a fun milestone when I progress in what weight I'm lifting.
[SPEAKER_00]: And I've been tracking it week over week in my notes app, which is super fun to see.
[SPEAKER_00]: But let's get into our Askland advice column question number one, advice for the anxious attachment styles.
[SPEAKER_00]: So if you know anything about attachment styles, you have your anxious, you have your secure, you have your void end and then there's also mixed.
[SPEAKER_00]: I would say I can be mixed.
[SPEAKER_00]: It really depends on the partner and my mental head space for the anxious girlies as someone
[SPEAKER_00]: being burned.
[SPEAKER_00]: I would start off by reading the book Attached.
[SPEAKER_00]: It's a really good read.
[SPEAKER_00]: I read it a few years ago and sometimes I will pick it up if I feel myself kind of leaning too far into my anxious attachment.
[SPEAKER_00]: I want you to look at it as less of a negative trait of yours, something that can't be fixed and instead looking at it as something that can be changed.
[SPEAKER_00]: you just have to work on learning to trust yourself, be comfortable with yourself and learning to trust the right partners.
[SPEAKER_00]: I think the biggest thing for me was really focusing on filling up my cup.
[SPEAKER_00]: and not having my whole world be centered around dating and boys, and that was like a really big starting point, like just working on my relationship with myself and my ability to truly be alone to not want to seek out things all the time or to seek validation from men all the time.
[SPEAKER_00]: Learning how to give myself that validation and kind of rewiring that was super helpful for me,
[SPEAKER_00]: data.
[SPEAKER_00]: I think also the right person who is secure in themselves will help you lead to be more of a secure attachment style.
[SPEAKER_00]: Typically anxious and avoidance do find their ways to each other.
[SPEAKER_00]: I can vouch as a subject of that.
[SPEAKER_00]: I have been through that a million times.
[SPEAKER_00]: I think also I was probably subconsciously
[SPEAKER_00]: can help you learn a bit more about your anxious attachment styles.
[SPEAKER_00]: Cognitive behavioral therapy was incredible for me.
[SPEAKER_00]: I'm talking about it in the past.
[SPEAKER_00]: I still go to therapy, not as often, but we did work a lot on my self-esteem when it came to my relationship with myself, dating and friendships, and I think that definitely helped a lot.
[SPEAKER_00]: So if you can inquire about cognitive behavioral therapy or speaking to a therapist, that's also a really great starting point.
[SPEAKER_00]: I'd say just like encouraging yourself to trust and to just like trust other people that they're being honest with you.
[SPEAKER_00]: Know that thing like in abundance, don't think finite, don't think scarcity mindset, those are little things that definitely helps me.
[SPEAKER_00]: I'm sorry if that like wasn't entirely like a clear cut.
[SPEAKER_00]: answer, but there's like a bunch of different things that kind of go into navigating and anxious attachment style.
[SPEAKER_00]: I think it's through child error and I think in dating and getting to go out with different people and learning more about yourself, you'll be able to get better and better at being a more secure person.
[SPEAKER_00]: early dating stage advice.
[SPEAKER_00]: The first thing is to not get so ahead of yourself as the girl who would fantasize and kind of start to come up with all these different things that is going to do with this guy that I liked after just talking to him for a few days or going on a few dates.
[SPEAKER_00]: I think it's really important to bring yourself back down to reality, focus on how many hours or
[SPEAKER_00]: over a span of three weeks, you technically have only ever spent three days with this person, and I think that really grounds yourself and helps you not get to ahead of yourself because like three weeks versus three days.
[SPEAKER_00]: I think it's important to let go of this need to be in constant communication with them.
[SPEAKER_00]: You guys haven't deserved earned that from each other yet.
[SPEAKER_00]: I think if you
[SPEAKER_00]: I'm a culprit.
[SPEAKER_00]: I've done that.
[SPEAKER_00]: I used to love that.
[SPEAKER_00]: I love to be in constant communication, but I think in the few guys that I went out with before my boyfriend and starting to date my boyfriend, I learned that it's actually better to not be texting all the time, texting all the time creates this false sense of intimacy, right?
[SPEAKER_00]: You feel like you're getting to know the person, you're having conversations, you're talking about your day today, maybe you're having more
[SPEAKER_00]: it creates this false sense of intimacy when in reality you don't actually know that person at all because it's easy to create this persona over text.
[SPEAKER_00]: A lot of us text differently than we are in real life and I think the only way to truly build a relationship and to know where you stand with a person.
[SPEAKER_00]: It's through in-person interactions.
[SPEAKER_00]: Yes, we have tools like texting and phone calls and FaceTime and video chat and all these different things that can help keep communication more constant and consistent between seeing each other.
[SPEAKER_00]: But I think we should learn to base.
[SPEAKER_00]: where we are at with someone on our time spent together.
[SPEAKER_00]: Instead of our time chatting over text, something that I really loved, that my boyfriend and I did in our early stages of dating, and I feel like a lot of guys aren't huge textures.
[SPEAKER_00]: They much rather talk in person or hop on a phone call.
[SPEAKER_00]: I personally love phone calls.
[SPEAKER_00]: I love texting.
[SPEAKER_00]: I also love phone calls and early on.
[SPEAKER_00]: My boyfriend and I would chat on the phone.
[SPEAKER_00]: Pretty much every day at the end of the day.
[SPEAKER_00]: Sometimes for 20 minutes, sometimes for an hour or two.
[SPEAKER_00]: And I feel like that's a much better way to communicate.
[SPEAKER_00]: You're not having a chance of tone being misunderstood.
[SPEAKER_00]: Some people are very short and dry over text, and that can lead us especially if you have an anxious attachment style.
[SPEAKER_00]: to kind of question and read into things.
[SPEAKER_00]: So like finding ways to communicate that limit the chance of they're being a miscommunication.
[SPEAKER_00]: I think also learning how to keep things to yourself.
[SPEAKER_00]: I very much was someone who was an overshare.
[SPEAKER_00]: I shared everything and anything that was going on with any guy that I was talking to, even if it was just like one small conversation.
[SPEAKER_00]: One, I dated last year before my boyfriend,
[SPEAKER_00]: while dating my boyfriend before we were official.
[SPEAKER_00]: I started to keep a lot of things to myself and I only really shared some tidbits with my close inner circle.
[SPEAKER_00]: And I didn't really share anything with anyone else at all.
[SPEAKER_00]: And I think that really allowed me to make decisions and judgments and move in the relationship without external influence.
[SPEAKER_00]: And I think and turn this also made me a lot more confident about my decision.
[SPEAKER_00]: more confident about myself as a person and my ability to date and make decisions especially because I had a lot of situation ship situations and heartbreak and stuff like that leading up to meeting my boyfriend.
[SPEAKER_00]: I almost started to not trust my judgment anymore and so in doing this it allowed me to rebuild that trust with myself and rebuild that confidence.
[SPEAKER_00]: within myself that I'm capable of making a decision.
[SPEAKER_00]: I'm capable of knowing when something feels right versus when it feels wrong and just learning how to trust my gut, continuing on with this early dating stage advice.
[SPEAKER_00]: Take things slow.
[SPEAKER_00]: A slow burn wins over.
[SPEAKER_00]: everything, and there's no right or wrong timeline, but I really do think a slow burn is the way to build a long lasting relationship.
[SPEAKER_00]: Take things slow.
[SPEAKER_00]: Get to date the person.
[SPEAKER_00]: I date in my boyfriend for four months before we made things official.
[SPEAKER_00]: Before we had any sort of chat.
[SPEAKER_00]: Yes, we were like kind of official.
[SPEAKER_00]: I guess like we were together before then.
[SPEAKER_00]: It was very evident.
[SPEAKER_00]: We weren't seeing anyone else talking to anyone else.
[SPEAKER_00]: Whatever it is.
[SPEAKER_00]: But...
[SPEAKER_00]: It was really nice to have those first four months to really enjoy the early stages of dating like you don't want to rush through everything, the beginning stages of dating are so much fun.
[SPEAKER_00]: Like the first kiss, the first few dates, the first time you're meeting each other's friends, all these new experiences that you're having with each other, there's no reason to rush and if something is meant to be, it will be.
[SPEAKER_00]: So take your time, move slowly.
[SPEAKER_00]: be patient.
[SPEAKER_00]: I think within the first one to three months of seeing each other, seeing each other once a week is a really good frequency of seeing one another.
[SPEAKER_00]: You're not moving too quickly.
[SPEAKER_00]: Sure, maybe every few weeks.
[SPEAKER_00]: Sometimes you see each other more.
[SPEAKER_00]: You see each other two or three times, but I think it's better to go that way than jumping right into seeing each other every single day.
[SPEAKER_00]: I mean, each to their own, but I think that kind of builds a false sense of reality.
[SPEAKER_00]: with a person and it's not necessarily sustainable.
[SPEAKER_00]: So take it slow, get to know the person, try them on for size, get to know if you like how you feel with someone.
[SPEAKER_00]: But get more on asking yourself, do I like them?
[SPEAKER_00]: Do I like how I feel with them?
[SPEAKER_00]: do I like how I feel when I leave them?
[SPEAKER_00]: Do I like how I feel what I'm not with them?
[SPEAKER_00]: Or am I searching for validation?
[SPEAKER_00]: Am I trying to win them over?
[SPEAKER_00]: Am I trying to prove something to myself that way?
[SPEAKER_00]: Is it an ego thing?
[SPEAKER_00]: If it is, then maybe rethink the situation and if you should be continuing to see this person.
[SPEAKER_00]: I think if you're questioning anything, truly
[SPEAKER_00]: wholeheartedly, then they're not your person.
[SPEAKER_00]: I really do think when you know, you know, there are a few guys I went out with on one or two dates, maybe three, or guys that is talking to before my boyfriend came into the picture, and they were really, really sweet guys.
[SPEAKER_00]: They were incredible guys, and they showed me that the level of respect
[SPEAKER_00]: And the type of person, the type of gentleman I was looking for existed out there reminded me of that and I'm so grateful for that, but I knew in my heart and my soul and my got whatever you want to say that they were not my person something just like didn't feel right and I leaned into that know what you want I want you to write down a whole list of everything that your dream partner has and I'm not just talking about like obviously service level superficial.
[SPEAKER_00]: things, materialistic things, vanity things are important because I do think physical attraction is really important to your partner.
[SPEAKER_00]: Like, think about who do you want to be your husband?
[SPEAKER_00]: Who do you want to be the father of your children?
[SPEAKER_00]: You're looking for someone who wants to be a husband and a father, not someone who wants to have a wife and have children.
[SPEAKER_00]: Very, very different scenario.
[SPEAKER_00]: I've gone out with the guy who just wanted a hot wife and wanted children and the
[SPEAKER_00]: but they don't want to put in the work.
[SPEAKER_00]: And I'm now dating the guy who wants to be a good husband, who wants to be a good friend, who wants to be a good father down the line, obviously.
[SPEAKER_00]: There is a difference.
[SPEAKER_00]: Learn to trust your gut, take things slow, keep things to yourself.
[SPEAKER_00]: I know everyone talks about having a roster, and I've definitely been there, and I think it has its perks.
[SPEAKER_00]: it's pros and it's cons, but I really do think that if you are serious about finding a partner being in a committed monogamous relationship, then you need to act and lead in the way that you want to receive and like be treated.
[SPEAKER_00]: If you want a communicated partner, lead with communication, even if it's super uncomfortable.
[SPEAKER_00]: It was so uncomfortable for me to communicate with my boyfriend if something made me upset or if I wanted something or like anything like that.
[SPEAKER_00]: It was uncomfortable, but I knew that if I wanted a partner that communicated openly with me, then I would also have to be that because again, our relationships, friendships,
[SPEAKER_00]: romantic relationships, whatever it is, they are mirror reflections of our relationship with ourself, they're mirror of ourselves.
[SPEAKER_00]: So if you're not communicative, then you're most likely going to attract a non-communicated partner.
[SPEAKER_00]: If you're emotionally unavailable, you're going to attract an emotionally unavailable person.
[SPEAKER_00]: You attract the energy that you put out point blank.
[SPEAKER_00]: That is my early on dating advice.
[SPEAKER_00]: I think like also just
[SPEAKER_00]: don't compare to what you see online, trying not to get wrapped up in this dating content that's online.
[SPEAKER_00]: It's really easy to have your entire four-year page be completely consumed with it, and I definitely had been in that place, and I realized after a while, a lot of it is conflicting, it's toxic, it's not it, figure out what works for you and focus on that.
[SPEAKER_00]: And also, lastly, if you are going to your friends and asking them for advice, only ask your friends who you would want to date like, who you would want to have a relationship like, if you admire your best friends relationship with her partner, maybe that's the person that you would ask for advice.
[SPEAKER_00]: But if you don't, if you don't want to date the way that your friend is dating, if you don't respect their methods or their method to the madness or the way that they approach things, then why would you ask advice from someone who you don't want to be like?
[SPEAKER_00]: How do you deal with having a different lifestyle than your partner?
[SPEAKER_00]: This is something that's honestly quite tricky for me to answer, because personally, I don't think I could date or be with someone who doesn't live a similar lifestyle to me.
[SPEAKER_00]: Now looking at my relationship, me, my boyfriend aren't completely identical.
[SPEAKER_00]: We have different careers, we have different hobbies, but at the baseline, we are pretty much cut from the same cloth.
[SPEAKER_00]: We like to take care of our help, we like to be productive,
[SPEAKER_00]: We have similar mindsets and outlooks on things, you know, our morals, our values, our interests, our hobbies, the way we like to live, move and act is very, very similar.
[SPEAKER_00]: Is it identical?
[SPEAKER_00]: No.
[SPEAKER_00]: And so this allows us to live in harmony.
[SPEAKER_00]: It allows us to not feel guilty about wanting to go to the gym or make a home-cooked meal that's healthier.
[SPEAKER_00]: It doesn't make us feel guilty about wanting a sweet treat or going to the bar.
[SPEAKER_00]: We're very much aligned on a lot of things.
[SPEAKER_00]: I think it's very difficult to be with someone who you don't see truly eye to eye with.
[SPEAKER_00]: And I mean, if that's your cup of tea.
[SPEAKER_00]: and you want that for yourself.
[SPEAKER_00]: I think you just have to learn that maybe your partner is never going to fully understand why you want to do the things you want to do.
[SPEAKER_00]: And maybe you don't fully understand why they do the things they want to do and that's your point of compromise, but personally speaking, I just don't think I could ever date someone who doesn't have a similar lifestyle to me.
[SPEAKER_00]: I've gone out with a guy way back like five, six years ago now.
[SPEAKER_00]: didn't really care about his health, didn't really work out, and we constantly butted heads about it, he didn't really understand why I wanted to prioritize eating while, he didn't really understand why I wanted to prioritize working out and like what that meant to me and all these things, and it became a pain point.
[SPEAKER_00]: in our relationship.
[SPEAKER_00]: And that really sucked.
[SPEAKER_00]: So personally speaking, I don't really know how to deal with having a different lifestyle than your partner in an extreme kind of sense.
[SPEAKER_00]: I think you would just have to learn how to compromise and learn to love and accept each other as you are.
[SPEAKER_00]: But I do think it is important to be with a partner who has similar life goals, morals, values,
[SPEAKER_00]: Obviously, within like a scale, it doesn't have to be exact replica, but quite similar.
[SPEAKER_00]: What does self-care look like for you and how do you prioritize it?
[SPEAKER_00]: For me, it's really become a long time doing things that fill my cup and
[SPEAKER_00]: slowing down.
[SPEAKER_00]: So prioritizing rest and recovery.
[SPEAKER_00]: For me, I really love to go to a workout class by myself, sometimes I like going with friends.
[SPEAKER_00]: But honestly, it's my time for me to kind of tune out from the outside world, tune into myself, focus on connecting with my body, connecting with my breath, and doing something that's good for my physical and mental well-being.
[SPEAKER_00]: Prioritizing rest is really important.
[SPEAKER_00]: I've burned myself out a million one times, and I've learned that I cannot
[SPEAKER_00]: Continue to move like that, so having slow nights, having nights in by myself, having a sleep in instead of waking up super early, taking time off from the gym, having a rest day, being gentle and kind with myself when needed is super important and just prioritizing sleep, trying to get those 7 to 9 hours continuously throughout the week.
[SPEAKER_00]: and creating an environment that allows me to sleep really well and to sleep comfortably.
[SPEAKER_00]: Wellness also includes taking care of my body, so having nourishing foods, not overdoing the alcohol, not overdoing the take-out food, the greasy, the sugary food.
[SPEAKER_00]: Eating things that make me feel really good and energized.
[SPEAKER_00]: Taking care of my mental health, I use to kind of just throw everything underneath the rug and ignore it.
[SPEAKER_00]: until I couldn't ignore it anymore, and I would have meltdowns, and that was a huge reason why I started going to therapy back in 2020.
[SPEAKER_00]: And here we are six years later, I still go consistently, not as often as I once did, but I still go consistently to keep things
[SPEAKER_00]: In check, I go even when I feel like there's nothing to really talk about, even when I feel like I'm doing good and I'm feeling level headed and clear and happy and not anxious or overwhelmed or anything like that, I still go because it just keeps all my ducks in a row.
[SPEAKER_00]: It keeps everything in check and never lets that tumbleweed continue to tumble and grow.
[SPEAKER_00]: It keeps...
[SPEAKER_00]: all the things at bay and it gives me the tools, the tool kit to be able to deal with anything when it does come up.
[SPEAKER_00]: Wellness also looks like or self care.
[SPEAKER_00]: That was the question self care wellness, kind of interchangeable words here.
[SPEAKER_00]: But to me, it looks like setting boundaries, knowing how to stand up for myself, respecting myself, respecting my body, knowing when something is a no
[SPEAKER_00]: to learn this as does a lot of things through a child and air, but learning how to set boundaries, how to communicate them, how to keep them was the biggest lesson and, I guess, pain point, I overcame and growing pain and lesson, I don't know, being a little bit, I'm going in circles here, but
[SPEAKER_00]: That was probably like a really big thing that I finally learned how to do in 2025.
[SPEAKER_00]: Am I perfect at doing it?
[SPEAKER_00]: No.
[SPEAKER_00]: Is it scary and intimidating to communicate what you need and to set a boundary?
[SPEAKER_00]: Yes.
[SPEAKER_00]: Is it hard to keep it when in your nature you want to be a people pleaser?
[SPEAKER_00]: Yes, for sure, but I've definitely learned how to navigate that better and I learned that it's not a scary and I can do it moving to a brand new city after college any advice on living alone and making friends
[SPEAKER_00]: I think the biggest thing to do is to get out of your house, especially if you live alone.
[SPEAKER_00]: It's important to schedule and time out of home.
[SPEAKER_00]: I know I've been home pretty much all day and sometimes I can go.
[SPEAKER_00]: Many days without leaving my apartment if I really wanted to, but it's really important to encourage yourself to get out and in order to make friends you need to leave home.
[SPEAKER_00]: Going to things that I would consider a third place.
[SPEAKER_00]: So a coffee shop, a run club, a workout studio, a gym, maybe joining a sports league, going to the bar.
[SPEAKER_00]: You know, bars were made to talk to strangers.
[SPEAKER_00]: So don't be scared to go out to a bar by yourself, introduce yourself, talk to your neighbor.
[SPEAKER_00]: You know, there's so many different ways to make friends heck.
[SPEAKER_00]: If you're living in an apartment complex,
[SPEAKER_00]: or in a house, knock on your neighbor's doors and introduce yourself, be like, hey, I'm so and so I just moved in, I just wanted to introduce myself.
[SPEAKER_00]: That sort of thing.
[SPEAKER_00]: And like, all it takes is one conversation with someone and who knows, maybe you'll be going for coffee, maybe
[SPEAKER_00]: You'll become friends and then they'll introduce you to their friends.
[SPEAKER_00]: It really just takes making one friend, right?
[SPEAKER_00]: So, encourage yourself no matter how scary, how cringy it feels to you, how intimidating it feels.
[SPEAKER_00]: Introduce yourself to someone.
[SPEAKER_00]: If you're at a workout class and you see a girl in a cute workout set who you feel like you'd vibe with, be like, oh my god, I love your workout set.
[SPEAKER_00]: Where is it from?
[SPEAKER_00]: Introduce yourself.
[SPEAKER_00]: be like, hey, like, I come to this class often, like, would you want to maybe like grab coffee sometime after class?
[SPEAKER_00]: Do you want to grab coffee right now?
[SPEAKER_00]: Like, what are you doing right now?
[SPEAKER_00]: Everyone is looking for human connection.
[SPEAKER_00]: I think we have to stop being so scared and stop hiding behind our phones or screens and learn how to communicate and interact and what people have been saying, like, be a villager.
[SPEAKER_00]: Again, everyone wants a village, but no one wants to be a villager.
[SPEAKER_00]: like lead through your actions, lead by taking initiative.
[SPEAKER_00]: The energy you put out, again, it's the energy you'll attract.
[SPEAKER_00]: You'll attract someone who is on the same wavelength as you or maybe you'll encourage someone to step out of their shell and you'll end up meeting each other and being friends.
[SPEAKER_00]: So that's kind of my advice with that, like really don't be afraid to put yourself out there to introduce yourself to people to spark up conversation.
[SPEAKER_00]: with the person beside you in the coffee shop in line wherever it is, there are so many amazing ways to meet people, you just have to be open to it.
[SPEAKER_00]: How much time have we out here?
[SPEAKER_00]: Oh my god, 34 minutes.
[SPEAKER_00]: Okay, we're going to answer one more question and then I'm going to close off this episode because it's getting little late and I need to start getting ready for my date soon and I want to work out a little bit, but okay.
[SPEAKER_00]: Last question you guys best friend friendship break up how to mourn the relationship.
[SPEAKER_00]: This is something I went through last year So I feel like my advice is fresh and I can share a few things that I think really helps me and these were long time friendships Friendships from childhood really hard to mourn.
[SPEAKER_00]: I think friendship breakups are almost worse than romantic situation chip relationship
[SPEAKER_00]: Breakups because you're probably going to still cross each other and social circles run into each other and It's such a different type of companionship than a romantic relationship.
[SPEAKER_00]: I think you kind of have to treat it like a relationship though You know you're losing that connection with that person some that you probably talk to and saw quite frequently and that's a really sad thing
[SPEAKER_00]: but just know in your heart that this is for the best right now.
[SPEAKER_00]: And if you're meant to be friends again in another season, it will happen.
[SPEAKER_00]: I've had that happen to know that maybe if you're feeling a little bit lonely right now, it's temporary.
[SPEAKER_00]: Around this time last year I was feeling really really lonely and even around the time when I started dating my boyfriend was when I had like officially broken up with these friends I kind of felt like I didn't have best friends and it almost made me feel like something was wrong with me like I remember on my boyfriend I think was like a few days in and he was asking me like who would you say are like your best friends?
[SPEAKER_00]: I felt really awkward and shy and embarrassed to kind of say, like, I don't really feel like I have best friends right now.
[SPEAKER_00]: I felt almost shameful for it, but sometimes we have to lose people in order to make space.
[SPEAKER_00]: for people that are better aligned with who we have grown into and who can better support us and who we can be a better friend too as well.
[SPEAKER_00]: We can have boundaries with who can show up in the way that we need them to show up and the way that we can do that for them as well.
[SPEAKER_00]: Sometimes we have to clear out
[SPEAKER_00]: the house in order to rebuild to redecorate like my therapist said last year I cleaned out my house and then I started to rebuild it.
[SPEAKER_00]: It can feel really isolating and lonely at first, but I think it's important to stick to it.
[SPEAKER_00]: Keep moving forward.
[SPEAKER_00]: Know that your people will come.
[SPEAKER_00]: You will build relationships that feel as close as that one once felt.
[SPEAKER_00]: who will suit you better than they did in the end.
[SPEAKER_00]: Those previous friends, and to also know that you're not alone in going through this, a lot of girls go through this.
[SPEAKER_00]: I feel like guys don't really go through friendship breakups.
[SPEAKER_00]: It's not as emotional.
[SPEAKER_00]: Their relationships aren't as deep as female relationships.
[SPEAKER_00]: They don't really talk about all the things and do the things that girls do with one another, so it feels very different.
[SPEAKER_00]: But I promise you, I guarantee you,
[SPEAKER_00]: that everyone has been through what you are going through, including myself.
[SPEAKER_00]: It's temporary.
[SPEAKER_00]: Keep the needle moving forward.
[SPEAKER_00]: Fill up your cup.
[SPEAKER_00]: You'll find your people.
[SPEAKER_00]: You'll build relationships that are deeper and meaningful.
[SPEAKER_00]: It just takes time.
[SPEAKER_00]: Good things take time.
[SPEAKER_00]: But I'm here with you.
[SPEAKER_00]: If you ever want to chat, my DMs are always open for anyone.
[SPEAKER_00]: You can always see me at Elena Bloomberg and I will do my best to see it and respond.
[SPEAKER_00]: Judgment for his own, I'm like your non-biased, bestie, okay?
[SPEAKER_00]: But I hope you all enjoyed this episode.
[SPEAKER_00]: I hope you have a lovely rest of your day, rest of your week.
[SPEAKER_00]: I'm so excited to chat with you guys again next week.
[SPEAKER_00]: And if you like this episode, make sure to leave a rating or review on Apple podcast and Spotify.
[SPEAKER_00]: I love love, love reading your comments on Spotify, love reading your reviews.
[SPEAKER_00]: I love seeing you guys post and tag at Morning Ray podcast and that you're listening to the podcast on social media.
[SPEAKER_00]: So keep doing that.
[SPEAKER_00]: I love it.
[SPEAKER_00]: I will continue to interact with you guys, respond.
[SPEAKER_00]: Always try to respond to your comments, your messages, but I hope you have a lovely