[SPEAKER_01]: If you're listening to the intentional parents podcast, brought to you by Intentional.
[SPEAKER_01]: Intentional is all about spiritual formation in the family.
[SPEAKER_01]: We desire to bring biblical hope and practical hope.
[SPEAKER_01]: Enjoy this week's conversation.
[SPEAKER_01]: All right, welcome back to the intentional parents podcast.
[SPEAKER_01]: We want to answer your questions today.
[SPEAKER_01]: We had some great questions given or rather sent in and some themes emerged.
[SPEAKER_01]: And we want to cover today just even talking about meeting each other's needs and desires when one is physical and one is emotional, wonder who's this physical one?
[SPEAKER_01]: wonder who's this emotional, already know the answer to that one.
[SPEAKER_01]: We want to talk about over stimulation from your kids.
[SPEAKER_01]: What do you do with whining and being over stimulated yourself and with little?
[SPEAKER_01]: That's a big one.
[SPEAKER_01]: What do you do when you want to shield your kids from emotional pain, right?
[SPEAKER_01]: Like what do we do with all that?
[SPEAKER_01]: So we're going to cover some of those themes in some of those questions today.
[SPEAKER_01]: and also want to say thank you to everybody who has rated subscribe to and also left a comment wherever you listen to this that is so helpful so wherever you ingest this content thank you thank you thank you if you're watching on YouTube please subscribe we release stuff every week and we actually have some more content there so go over to YouTube if you haven't links in the show notes but we're going to respond to some of your questions today and I'm excited about that because
[SPEAKER_01]: These are always, I love spontaneity, so that's why I love these conversations, because I just don't know where they're gonna go.
[SPEAKER_01]: So, where did you wanna start?
[SPEAKER_01]: You wanted to start with the being present with the toddler or the oversimulation, which one did you wanna... The being present one.
[SPEAKER_01]: Okay, so being present with my toddler while managing the home as they have meltdowns very easily.
[SPEAKER_01]: We've never had any of this.
[SPEAKER_01]: We've never experienced any of this.
[SPEAKER_00]: We've still experienced it.
[SPEAKER_01]: Yeah, one of you started.
[SPEAKER_00]: Yeah.
[SPEAKER_00]: Well, I think it's such a wrestle for any parent, whether you're a state-home parent or a working parent, whether you're a mom or a dad.
[SPEAKER_00]: I think the wrestle looks a little bit different for each of those scenarios, but the root is probably the same.
[SPEAKER_00]: of feeling like oftentimes the emotional connection and those types of needs with my kids are pitted against the needs to just make life go to run a home, to earn money, to take care of myself, to like, they feel
[SPEAKER_00]: So often at odds with each other and it feels like the needs of life are so easy to take precedent because they have to keep moving forward every day.
[SPEAKER_00]: Can so easily take precedent over the needs of my kids or or the opposite.
[SPEAKER_00]: Maybe you're really good at being emotionally present sitting and having conversations connecting.
[SPEAKER_00]: That's like where your strength lies, but like
[SPEAKER_00]: you can't figure out how in the world do I still feed everybody in like that part of your your life is hard to manage and filled overwhelming.
[SPEAKER_00]: And I think you know hearing that which end of the spectrum, you more naturally gravitate towards, I more naturally always gravitate towards task.
[SPEAKER_00]: first.
[SPEAKER_00]: And especially when there's a lot that needs to be done, it's really hard for me to be present.
[SPEAKER_00]: And tell me more.
[SPEAKER_00]: Yeah, you know, you know, so obviously there's so much you could talk about here.
[SPEAKER_00]: But I feel like it's important to say, we were talking before we recorded and I would love us to do like a more extensive episode on this and maybe get a few experts in.
[SPEAKER_00]: But
[SPEAKER_00]: I think a lot of the pressure that we feel right now, especially moms, but I think it trickles down to dad, even if they maybe couldn't name it as much, or maybe they're not reading and researching about it as much.
[SPEAKER_00]: But there's a lot of misinformation in the world of attachment and what that means.
[SPEAKER_00]: Or maybe because we live in the world of clips and just, you know, seeing like the short version of something we've developed often in misunderstanding of what it means to actually have secure attachment and I think the enemy is using it right now with really good-hearted parents.
[SPEAKER_00]: to lead them to believe with the little fragments of information that they have that secure attachment, which is what I want.
[SPEAKER_00]: I want my kid to be securely attached in their relationships and with me.
[SPEAKER_00]: So that means I have to meet there every need all the time.
[SPEAKER_00]: And that's not actually what creates secure attachment.
[SPEAKER_00]: And it doesn't mean that you have to be on the ground playing with your toddler at all times, coming to them every time they cry, being readily available to them and never missing.
[SPEAKER_00]: that availability.
[SPEAKER_00]: It's not what it means.
[SPEAKER_00]: What actually it's it's to not spend the whole episode talking about it or to do any sort of deep dive.
[SPEAKER_00]: It's a continued pattern of relating.
[SPEAKER_00]: It's not in every single time.
[SPEAKER_00]: It's a when my child is in distress.
[SPEAKER_00]: It's more about distress and when they have an emotional need than just them having a physical need or a desire.
[SPEAKER_00]: a need to be comforted and to be suathed and to be safe, suathed, secure and seen.
[SPEAKER_00]: The meeting the need when there's a need for safety, meeting the need when we do actually need to reassure, not an overly reassuring, but that reassuring presence.
[SPEAKER_00]: It's giving them boundaries.
[SPEAKER_00]: It's showing up when they actually have an emotional need that they just need somebody to see them.
[SPEAKER_00]: I see that you're upset.
[SPEAKER_00]: I see that
[SPEAKER_00]: Um, it's a continued pattern of relating, like that you are maybe more often than you're missing it, you are able to meet those needs.
[SPEAKER_00]: But the most important thing about attachment is what we do when we miss it.
[SPEAKER_00]: The idea of rupture and repair.
[SPEAKER_00]: We will have ruptures.
[SPEAKER_00]: We will have them all the time.
[SPEAKER_00]: And there's so much if you love the work of Kurt Thompson, his, um, the being known podcast,
[SPEAKER_00]: their current season right now is all on rupture and repair and it's blowing my mind because he's giving this unbelievable biblical framework for rupture and where is God in that and does God actually cause rupture and then create repairs.
[SPEAKER_00]: Anyway, well worth your time.
[SPEAKER_00]: But really what we have to be aware of is that the attachment, the secure attachment is coming out of when we have a rupture and we learn how to make the repair.
[SPEAKER_00]: So meaning when we miss the moment, when they do have an emotional need and we were not.
[SPEAKER_00]: therefore it or were too disregulated to be able to to be regulated for them and to meet their emotional needs or when we respond poorly and we miss what they're actually needing when we can go back and make the repair.
[SPEAKER_00]: Man, I want to know what's in your heart.
[SPEAKER_00]: I responded to how you were speaking to me and I missed you completely.
[SPEAKER_00]: Tell me what, what, what was it you were feeling?
[SPEAKER_00]: You know, obviously that's going to look different with the toddler.
[SPEAKER_00]: It's not conversation like that.
[SPEAKER_00]: I'm scooping them up.
[SPEAKER_00]: I love you so much.
[SPEAKER_00]: And I know that I get busy, but it doesn't mean I don't love you in love spending time with you.
[SPEAKER_00]: You know, but I think if we don't understand some of that framework, then we feel so much guilt that we're not
[SPEAKER_00]: always there, always doing enough, always meeting their every need and that's, it's first of all, not humanly possible and it's not actually what they need and it's not actually what God does for us all the time.
[SPEAKER_00]: God is not following us around reassuring our every bit of anxiety telling us everything, keeping our world so perfect that we never feel
[SPEAKER_00]: He's a God who knows we will feel distressed and promises that when we call out to him he will always be there for us But he's not protecting us from anything that would cause us to feel distressed.
[SPEAKER_00]: He never promises that we won't feel distressed.
[SPEAKER_00]: He promises the office there
[SPEAKER_01]: I was going to say, Phil, I see, you know, even as Elizabeth's laying the groundwork for this idea to respond to this question, I see flipping into the scriptures.
[SPEAKER_01]: I wonder, what are you thinking over there?
[SPEAKER_01]: I'm curious.
[SPEAKER_02]: Well, I always think, okay, where, what are we, where is what we're talking about?
[SPEAKER_02]: I'll listen to it in the scripture.
[SPEAKER_02]: Yeah.
[SPEAKER_02]: And so the, I'm not a mother, so what this is totally, really important, everything you're saying.
[SPEAKER_02]: But,
[SPEAKER_02]: The original question was, how can I do what I have to get done and be present?
[SPEAKER_02]: And so I just thought of Jesus.
[SPEAKER_02]: Okay.
[SPEAKER_02]: He had a job to do.
[SPEAKER_02]: He had a mission and I had the search to find it.
[SPEAKER_02]: But in Luke 8, it says that Jesus began going about from one city and village to another, proclaiming and preaching the kingdom of God.
[SPEAKER_02]: That was his job.
[SPEAKER_02]: and the 12 were with him.
[SPEAKER_02]: And I think that whenever you can just bring your kids along and whatever your daily work is, that's important.
[SPEAKER_02]: And when kids are little, like I'm thinking of our daughter Rebecca, who else,
[SPEAKER_02]: likes to clean stuff.
[SPEAKER_02]: Well, he saw her cleaning.
[SPEAKER_02]: So she bought him a little kids gave him a bucket and a thing so we're going to clean now.
[SPEAKER_02]: Now, of course, every mom knows that they're going to make more of a mess for you, but you're actually.
[SPEAKER_02]: And so like I love doing errands, I love taking Scarlett with me, you know, do hates errands, but Scarlett love going on errands with me.
[SPEAKER_02]: Well, I did need to go here.
[SPEAKER_02]: I need to go to the grocery store.
[SPEAKER_02]: So let's that's coming along.
[SPEAKER_02]: So I just think there's remember we're we're raising disciples and in chapter eight here, the twelve were with him in the next chapter.
[SPEAKER_02]: He sent them out.
[SPEAKER_02]: So eventually you're going to send your kids out.
[SPEAKER_02]: So I just think as you're doing your daily work.
[SPEAKER_02]: Jesus could have said, I don't have time for you guys.
[SPEAKER_02]: I have a job to do.
[SPEAKER_02]: I got to preach to gospel, but he brought them along.
[SPEAKER_02]: In fact, all of his teaching was come with me as I do life.
[SPEAKER_02]: So I think that's what we're trying to figure out.
[SPEAKER_02]: How do you do that with a two-year-old?
[SPEAKER_00]: Yes.
[SPEAKER_02]: That's where you and Diane can speak to that.
[SPEAKER_02]: But I just think the big picture is that's what we're trying to do.
[SPEAKER_02]: We're actually teaching them.
[SPEAKER_02]: You know, when you're watching a window and you let them help you watch the window, I mean, whatever, and you're reading your Bible and you quote a verse to them, I mean, you're bringing them along.
[SPEAKER_00]: So I don't know, that's my that was on my head maybe think of a friend of mine had just put something on Instagram.
[SPEAKER_00]: She has a toddler and and then she's.
[SPEAKER_00]: reoccurringly posting about it.
[SPEAKER_00]: And I love it.
[SPEAKER_00]: I wish I had like had this framework when my kids were really little.
[SPEAKER_00]: She was talking about how she doesn't want her toddler to there's so many things that she's saying no to because it's inconvenient.
[SPEAKER_00]: And so she started asking herself is it harmful or is it just inconvenient?
[SPEAKER_05]: Yeah.
[SPEAKER_00]: Yeah.
[SPEAKER_00]: And so she just keeps posting these moments of is it harmful is it inconvenient?
[SPEAKER_00]: And she's showing the very inconvenient him helping with things.
[SPEAKER_00]: or like doing a century activity that's making a disaster.
[SPEAKER_00]: And I think that's really good framework to what you're saying of like, when there are times when we can take them along with us, is it harmful or is it just inconvenient to take them along with me?
[SPEAKER_00]: I think that's super important and then on the other side of that, the stuff that I said of like, there are times when
[SPEAKER_00]: And I think mom, the next question kind of boads well with this of when it's also okay to for them to learn to have to play on their own because you need to do something that's also okay.
[SPEAKER_02]: And not only play on the day after learn that even if a parent leaves are coming back like groups.
[SPEAKER_02]: Brook is traveling a lot.
[SPEAKER_02]: You know, we both are traveling right now, but you're going to be gone a lot.
[SPEAKER_02]: But the kids already know, dad will come back.
[SPEAKER_02]: And so it's dead.
[SPEAKER_02]: This was like, I just told that does Brook have to say, I'm sorry.
[SPEAKER_02]: I can never leave this house.
[SPEAKER_02]: I can never go speak anywhere because I have to always be here with you.
[SPEAKER_02]: So you're teaching them even that there's work.
[SPEAKER_02]: There's a calling.
[SPEAKER_02]: And it might mean that we're separate for a while, but dad's coming back.
[SPEAKER_02]: You know, so I think that's important.
[SPEAKER_03]: I think that's really important what you said that remember that there's work and that we have a calling and that God created the human race with a job to do with work to do and even a toddler can learn to respect.
[SPEAKER_03]: his caregivers, his mother's time, and realize I don't have time to do that right now.
[SPEAKER_03]: I'm cooking a dinner for my family.
[SPEAKER_03]: That's actually a part of him growing up and maturing an emotional maturity.
[SPEAKER_03]: They doesn't have to be the center of attention all the time, including if you're attention.
[SPEAKER_03]: And to learn to wait, those are all really essential lessons
[SPEAKER_03]: kids begin to be introduced to that idea, the sooner they can grow up in those areas.
[SPEAKER_03]: And then the crazy thing is some of what seems to be being absorbed right now is your baby, your toddler, your preschooler needs your constant presence and attention.
[SPEAKER_03]: But then by 18, you're a helicopter parent, if you give them hardly any attention or pay attention to their Instagram account or supervise it in another way, it's like, oh gosh.
[SPEAKER_03]: Those are two extremes of unhealthy.
[SPEAKER_00]: What's the new phrase?
[SPEAKER_00]: It was helicopter parent that was a phrase that came out and thinking in your generation.
[SPEAKER_00]: And now I'm still looking at it.
[SPEAKER_00]: Now it's the bulldozer parent.
[SPEAKER_04]: Yeah.
[SPEAKER_00]: Okay, I think that's, I'm going to actually, let me back check that.
[SPEAKER_01]: Let me just say a new phrase to your point.
[SPEAKER_01]: Because what I'm picking up, which is interesting, is, you know, Elizabeth, you were highlighting attachment, which is a really important really, really we're talking about the different dynamics, biblically, about the withness, bringing with, and then Diane, you're even talking about that.
[SPEAKER_01]: It's similar idea.
[SPEAKER_01]: The one thing that's really interesting though is that with a toddler and we still do this with our kids right now, which is interesting of the like PCIT play therapy is a really interesting that they tell you that takes five minutes.
[SPEAKER_01]: That's that idea that you're literally sitting down.
[SPEAKER_01]: You're doing an activity with your child.
[SPEAKER_01]: It's just there.
[SPEAKER_01]: It's an activity that they want to do and you're not asking questions.
[SPEAKER_01]: You're just literally reflecting back what they're doing.
[SPEAKER_01]: And they say to do that in five-minute increments.
[SPEAKER_01]: So if you think about that, it's not about the quantity of time.
[SPEAKER_01]: It's really about the quality of how you're spending your time and you're actually focusing on them specifically and making them feel what we would call scene or felt like Mom and Dad are really attached to Unity play.
[SPEAKER_01]: So when it comes to this particular topic, even with a toddler, I would say, maybe even strategically, have a couple of play sessions.
[SPEAKER_01]: Have one or two.
[SPEAKER_01]: Just, they don't even have to do that.
[SPEAKER_01]: Yes, five ten minutes, and everybody can give that.
[SPEAKER_01]: And then for the other times, you're like, hey buddy, we're going to be doing our little playtime later, but right now I got to do this.
[SPEAKER_04]: Yeah.
[SPEAKER_01]: And the reason I'm saying that is because we have found, we underestimated that tool.
[SPEAKER_01]: Really actually we're skeptical.
[SPEAKER_01]: Like there is no way this is going to be effective.
[SPEAKER_01]: Five minutes, what are you talking about?
[SPEAKER_01]: And it is the weirdest, most magical, most connecting thing.
[SPEAKER_01]: And when your kids are thirsty for it, as my friend said, they will soak it up.
[SPEAKER_01]: And a lot of that comes more to your when your present with them, you can be not present.
[SPEAKER_01]: So we all know that ability, where with their kids, but we're not with them, and they feel that.
[SPEAKER_01]: Yes.
[SPEAKER_01]: So if you can change some of the like, the felt presence, I think that's a big part.
[SPEAKER_01]: that leads into the second one and I'm forcing us to go to the next one because it's not where we can spend all of our time on one.
[SPEAKER_01]: The second idea is I'm imagining this is a mom, but over stimulation from kids whining noises totally understandable and being over stimulated all day with littles and then trying to connect physically, I'm imagining physical intimacy with your spouse.
[SPEAKER_01]: So over stimulation and then needing to connect with your spouse.
[SPEAKER_01]: And I think over stimulation is a big deal like I'm thinking about I'm thinking about I get over simulated easily, but I remember the first time when you're like I'm just being touched all day long I don't want to be touched by you and I'm like
[SPEAKER_01]: I was like, I don't want to get rid of my kids, but like, what's going on?
[SPEAKER_00]: I think that's any time I was nursing.
[SPEAKER_01]: Yeah, it's just like the constant touch.
[SPEAKER_01]: But I think it's important for parents to be seen for a minute, because I think a lot of parents, the internal struggle, as you feel overwhelmed, you're trying to balance the demands of parenting, like I'm thinking of a mom, right?
[SPEAKER_01]: Well, as an example, but dad's too.
[SPEAKER_01]: Parenting work, personal faith, you're feeling exhausted, you're feeling drained.
[SPEAKER_01]: You're often lonely.
[SPEAKER_01]: How many moms are like lonely?
[SPEAKER_01]: Even dads are feeling lonely as they navigate those life challenges.
[SPEAKER_01]: You're worrying.
[SPEAKER_01]: You're constantly wondering am I doing this right am I doing a good enough job?
[SPEAKER_01]: I don't want to unintentionally harm my child's future.
[SPEAKER_01]: So you're constantly worrying.
[SPEAKER_01]: You have self-doubt.
[SPEAKER_01]: You're questioning what I'm doing.
[SPEAKER_01]: What I am doing actually right is that actually helpful.
[SPEAKER_01]: And then there's fear, like, what if this doesn't turn out?
[SPEAKER_01]: Well, I think to say all that is just to say The overstimulated question is a very fair one and I think it plays to a lot of those Internal fears or those internal struggles that we all have and so when it comes to things like
[SPEAKER_01]: You're overstimulated, but physical intimacy, I think it's, those are the surface, that's where it shows up, but I think it's often deeper than just over, I mean, of course it is practical, it's a surface thing.
[SPEAKER_01]: But I think I just wanted to highlight that to say, we see you, you know, the parents that are listening right now, we know how that feels.
[SPEAKER_01]: And we've had to work through that and I think it just comes down to more communication for us.
[SPEAKER_01]: It's been more communication.
[SPEAKER_01]: It's also been like, okay, well, I need to, what is it that you need to reset?
[SPEAKER_01]: What is it that you need?
[SPEAKER_01]: Often, it's usually a break from the thing that is physically touching all the time.
[SPEAKER_01]: So it'd be putting the kids down, letting her have a bath, making sure the house is clean.
[SPEAKER_01]: Like these things that were helpful to her.
[SPEAKER_01]: I mean, that was our situation.
[SPEAKER_00]: And how my nervous system in those situations.
[SPEAKER_01]: deep.
[SPEAKER_03]: I think in it's just normal.
[SPEAKER_03]: I think yeah, part of it is just this kids are overwhelming, toddlers are overwhelming.
[SPEAKER_03]: I mean babies are I really love the infant and baby stage.
[SPEAKER_03]: That kind of touch was good, but the nursing all the time does feel like you're somebody's demanding something from your body constantly.
[SPEAKER_03]: And you're tired.
[SPEAKER_03]: So like what you said, I think is key, Brooke.
[SPEAKER_03]: I mean, think that's when I started taking about every night.
[SPEAKER_03]: But I needed to have a transition between being mommy and all the demands and then being wife and lover.
[SPEAKER_03]: Those just felt too far apart.
[SPEAKER_03]: So having that buffer zone where I took care of myself and had all the luxury associated with that.
[SPEAKER_03]: But on regular daily basis, there is a time for me to separate, film mostly put the kids to bed when he was home.
[SPEAKER_03]: He mostly put the kids to bed at that point.
[SPEAKER_03]: Because in our case, I'd been with them all day long, and he'd been away from them all day long.
[SPEAKER_03]: I know it's different in a lot of homes now, where dad is working from home.
[SPEAKER_03]: Mom is working from home, your tag to me.
[SPEAKER_03]: But find out your way to give each other kind of that buffer.
[SPEAKER_03]: I think is really important.
[SPEAKER_03]: and to be able to, you know, a different metaphor, take off the mommy hat and put on the, I fell in love with this man.
[SPEAKER_03]: He's my friend.
[SPEAKER_03]: He's my lover.
[SPEAKER_03]: He's my husband.
[SPEAKER_03]: He has needs to.
[SPEAKER_03]: I have needs to because you need both.
[SPEAKER_03]: You need both.
[SPEAKER_03]: You need to have that affection and friendship between you and to keep it alive and going.
[SPEAKER_03]: Not just on date night, but on a daily basis.
[SPEAKER_01]: Just talk about that handsome guy right over there, you know, I'm thinking of when you start just ignore what I said.
[SPEAKER_01]: I'm not going to respond to that.
[SPEAKER_02]: Nobody ever says to her gosh, how did you get him never?
[SPEAKER_02]: It's always like, oh, that's so beautiful.
[SPEAKER_02]: I mean, how did you get her?
[SPEAKER_02]: Oh, trust me.
[SPEAKER_02]: That's my idea.
[SPEAKER_02]: So we've got blessings.
[SPEAKER_02]: You say thank you, but
[SPEAKER_02]: The best that, I remember when we lived in Santa Cruz in Apptoss, and, you know, we were so thrilled to have this house we bought new, wasn't huge, and our, the master bedroom didn't have a bathtub, had a shower.
[SPEAKER_02]: So now you've got this gorgeous bathtub, you know, you always see in the movies, somebody's taking bath in this gorgeous bathtub.
[SPEAKER_03]: Oh, I know what it was now.
[SPEAKER_02]: Yeah, you have what now you didn't then, you went into the hall bath.
[SPEAKER_02]: Yeah.
[SPEAKER_02]: Which is the one, the three, we didn't know if you were going to three kids, just probably like rubber ducky toys around this stuff.
[SPEAKER_02]: But you took a bubble bath in there.
[SPEAKER_02]: And so I guess, I just wanted to say, you don't have to have a dream house.
[SPEAKER_02]: No.
[SPEAKER_02]: You don't have to have, you know, what is it?
[SPEAKER_02]: Pinterest, whatever.
[SPEAKER_02]: I'm sure it's real big.
[SPEAKER_02]: Pinterest, where the bathtub is.
[SPEAKER_03]: And yet, honestly, your physical space is important.
[SPEAKER_03]: So do what you can to create a niche.
[SPEAKER_02]: That's what I said, you did what you never complained.
[SPEAKER_02]: I need this, I need, you know, you, you went in there and you turned it into a place of relaxation and beauty and so I just wanted to point that out to you that you, you made that happen when you didn't have your own bathtub.
[SPEAKER_02]: And you're doing it now with a door just about that.
[SPEAKER_00]: So I think what I hear everybody saying is, well, two things that you have to be able to communicate about it with your spouse.
[SPEAKER_00]: And I think for the, you know, we're assuming it's a mom asking this question.
[SPEAKER_00]: But I would say for the husband's listening, or maybe if your wife is passing along, we'll be talking about, please listen to this.
[SPEAKER_00]: Yeah.
[SPEAKER_00]: You need to have a curiosity of what that feels like.
[SPEAKER_00]: Maybe take yourself back to, maybe if you work a Monday through Friday, job, take yourself back to what you feel by Sunday night after spending the weekend home all day long.
[SPEAKER_00]: And I think this is where it's good if the
[SPEAKER_00]: In the scenario, I think that's maybe being described in this question, is it sounds like the mom is home during the day with the kids.
[SPEAKER_00]: So if that's your reality, it's good sometimes for you to step away, have a night, or two, somewhere else, and for your husband to be able to do the day-to-day, I think it's a really good,
[SPEAKER_00]: not all the time, but sometimes it's really good for the dad's to experience what that feels like, so that when the wife is communicating, this is what's happening, they actually can make a connection to what that feels like.
[SPEAKER_00]: So you have to be able to talk about it on both sides.
[SPEAKER_00]: And then what I hear everybody saying is there has to be a step in between the over-stimulation and the being able to connect with your spouse in that way.
[SPEAKER_00]: You can't expect yourself
[SPEAKER_00]: to be able to just make that switch in an instant and be mad at yourself that you can't.
[SPEAKER_00]: And, you know, for you and I oftentimes it's a bath, for other people that might be going on a run.
[SPEAKER_01]: She's saying her and her mom not her and I see this as a snack.
[SPEAKER_01]: Maybe for her and I, for those of you.
[SPEAKER_01]: I was like, seeing they're going like, uh, this might be translated differently if you're not.
[SPEAKER_00]: It's a nice thing.
[SPEAKER_01]: The firm I like.
[SPEAKER_01]: She's giving her a warm welcome.
[SPEAKER_01]: Yes, separate baths, different places.
[SPEAKER_01]: They reset, we just want to be super there.
[SPEAKER_00]: Thank you.
[SPEAKER_00]: Thank you for clarifying that.
[SPEAKER_00]: But it's going to be different for everybody.
[SPEAKER_00]: It could be reading a book.
[SPEAKER_00]: It could be going on a walk outside.
[SPEAKER_00]: It could be going to the gym.
[SPEAKER_00]: It could like, um, yes, whatever it is.
[SPEAKER_00]: Something that is possible to do on a very consistent basis.
[SPEAKER_00]: And obviously that's not going to be crazy time consuming.
[SPEAKER_03]: It's not going to be expensive, but just something built in to the natural rhythm of your life is So what I'm hearing is come up with the plan together and agree to a plan together and it's going to create, it's going to require a thoughtfulness of an unselfishness and actually caring about the well-being of the other, on both your parts.
[SPEAKER_03]: And if, you know, there's a lot of scenarios where women and men, moms and dads are working full-time and they're having to juggle things together and that's going to take a great deal of consideration of each other's needs instead of demanding that your needs are met, which is when we get desperate, we all do the demanding thing.
[SPEAKER_03]: I mean, I certainly
[SPEAKER_03]: Right.
[SPEAKER_03]: Oh, he's got a duckling over there.
[SPEAKER_01]: What?
[SPEAKER_01]: I mean, you're not saying anything.
[SPEAKER_01]: Yeah.
[SPEAKER_01]: Good job.
[SPEAKER_03]: I've just proud to be here stepping in there voluntarily, seeing the exhaustion that these years brings.
[SPEAKER_03]: I mean, it is, it is a physically and emotionally and socially, even spiritually stressful time of any parent's lives.
[SPEAKER_03]: But what can happen in the life of a
[SPEAKER_03]: mother or a father who really gives himself to this time and endures how difficult it is is this great leap forward in maturity and in cases where I see the parents not parenting, you know, having their child completely parented,
[SPEAKER_03]: by outside sources and they skip the pressures of these time.
[SPEAKER_03]: They're really slow in-metoring and these areas of tolerance of just being able to, I can handle this.
[SPEAKER_03]: I can handle this over-stabilization.
[SPEAKER_03]: It's almost like your nervous system gets a workout during those.
[SPEAKER_03]: years and never go back to the three and the pre-children kind of short, tempered, short, tolerance.
[SPEAKER_01]: It's like your, uh, your central nervous system runs a marathon.
[SPEAKER_01]: And it trains for a marathon.
[SPEAKER_03]: And obviously, you realize how strong you really are.
[SPEAKER_01]: Yeah.
[SPEAKER_03]: And so don't bypass these years.
[SPEAKER_03]: They're absolutely essential for your development as you
[SPEAKER_01]: Well, I find when you have kids and there's extreme swings at home in the in the Serena public is easy, like people freaking out on planes, you're like, I don't care.
[SPEAKER_01]: I don't have to do these kids freaking out on planes.
[SPEAKER_01]: I mean, I said next to somebody who was just live it at the fact that this kid was having a hard time.
[SPEAKER_01]: And I was it was surprised because this person was.
[SPEAKER_01]: far beyond their years of far older than me and should have known better.
[SPEAKER_01]: But I just could not believe how this place this person was by this kid and this kid was not even really that bad Not even pride that much.
[SPEAKER_01]: I'm just trying to lay to me like hit me on the door like can you believe this and I'm just like
[SPEAKER_03]: She's trying to figure out what's crazy.
[SPEAKER_03]: So many of them are old.
[SPEAKER_03]: I know.
[SPEAKER_03]: And they had to.
[SPEAKER_00]: It's not like that.
[SPEAKER_00]: That's a perfect segue into the thought I was having, though, of how important this is in our time, because of what we're seeing happening with kids, the rise of anxiety and neurodiversity, and, and,
[SPEAKER_00]: When you have a kid who has anxiety or is neurodiverse in any way, which usually they have anxiety often times those go hand in hand.
[SPEAKER_03]: Sure, it's scary to when your brain start keeping up in that way.
[SPEAKER_00]: It's really scary.
[SPEAKER_00]: But those kids become dysregulated so much faster than kids who don't struggle with that and so
[SPEAKER_00]: We are living in with overstimulated, easily overstimulated kids.
[SPEAKER_00]: We're living inside way more than ever.
[SPEAKER_00]: Which outside is so calming that, you know, we're with our kids a lot more.
[SPEAKER_00]: So this is such an important thing for our time because our kids are experiencing different things than even I did growing up.
[SPEAKER_00]: And we're going to be swimming in this a lot more.
[SPEAKER_00]: So I think even some of the like grumpy older people where you're like, wait, you had kids too.
[SPEAKER_00]: Yeah.
[SPEAKER_03]: They, they, they experienced it differently.
[SPEAKER_03]: Okay.
[SPEAKER_03]: And that's where I think this stage of our life of, you know, as people get older, they retire.
[SPEAKER_03]: So they're no longer juggling work.
[SPEAKER_01]: You don't have that tension.
[SPEAKER_01]: Yeah.
[SPEAKER_03]: Life is, they work really hard to make life easy and good.
[SPEAKER_03]: Yeah.
[SPEAKER_03]: Those in this is obviously a first world problem.
[SPEAKER_03]: Yeah.
[SPEAKER_03]: And they surround themselves with people who believe the same as they do, dress the same as they do, vote the same as they do, and become almost like middle scores again.
[SPEAKER_03]: And this very, very much mental critical, you know, like the women on the
[SPEAKER_01]: that experience at home to your point of the training, the exercise of your central nervous system.
[SPEAKER_01]: It is so true that you can handle things that will undo a lot of people in maybe a public type space and you're just like, I couldn't care less because I, at least it's not my thing, like I know about it could be.
[SPEAKER_00]: And this is not my child on my life, right?
[SPEAKER_00]: Yeah, that's always what I feel.
[SPEAKER_00]: It's a lot of people that care for it in my headphones.
[SPEAKER_01]: You're going to people to say, like, oh, that's so kind.
[SPEAKER_01]: You're just such a thoughtful person or, you know, or like, like, you're so regulated.
[SPEAKER_01]: You're like, you have no idea.
[SPEAKER_01]: Like, I'm just not, I just have no pressures right now.
[SPEAKER_01]: Like, put all the wrong pressures on me.
[SPEAKER_01]: I'll crack.
[SPEAKER_01]: Yeah.
[SPEAKER_01]: I think this leads to our next question.
[SPEAKER_01]: But the segue should be a fun story from our family, text chain.
[SPEAKER_01]: We have a family techs chain, Matthew and Simo have a wonderful little boy, Solomon.
[SPEAKER_01]: He's a year now.
[SPEAKER_03]: You're in a couple months for 13 months.
[SPEAKER_01]: Such a handsome little guy and we get a photo the other night, the whole family of
[SPEAKER_01]: He had crawled into the toilet.
[SPEAKER_00]: Oh, gosh.
[SPEAKER_01]: This is the text.
[SPEAKER_01]: This is the text Matthew said.
[SPEAKER_01]: He goes, How come intentional parenting has never addressed this issue?
[SPEAKER_01]: In the film series.
[SPEAKER_01]: He never addressed this issue in the film series.
[SPEAKER_01]: What am I supposed to do with this when you're, when your toddler stands in the toilet?
[SPEAKER_01]: I love it because there's like Matt took a photo and there's a mirror and Seemo is reflections in the mirror and her hands are just like As I would be too like that's a toilet like He's in a swimming pool.
[SPEAKER_01]: It was just a great reminded like that is a perfect picture of a lot of our lives And that was just you know whatever Monday evening right so
[SPEAKER_01]: Um, anyway, that was just a fun, that was a fun story, but let's end on this one, but I think a very important one is, you know, not being able to shield our children from emotional pain.
[SPEAKER_01]: Um, and this is a big one because this weighs on so many people.
[SPEAKER_01]: So I just again want to acknowledge the internal pain.
[SPEAKER_01]: This comes down to that worry piece of like, what if, what if my kids get hurt beyond repair?
[SPEAKER_01]: What if they don't turn out right?
[SPEAKER_01]: What if, um, I hurt them.
[SPEAKER_01]: And I think the truth is just to say frankly, you are going to win your kids.
[SPEAKER_01]: You're going to hurt them in some ways.
[SPEAKER_01]: It's going to happen.
[SPEAKER_01]: That's why we talked so much about repair as Elizabeth started with this whole idea.
[SPEAKER_01]: And there's a lot of tools out there on that, but that is such a huge part of our story because there's no way that I think you cannot win your kids in a certain way.
[SPEAKER_01]: And so shielding your kids from emotional pain, I don't even think is even the full goal.
[SPEAKER_01]: Now, of course, you need to shield your kids to a certain amount.
[SPEAKER_01]: But I also think the bigger goal is teaching your kids how to identify what that emotional pain is and how to process it and work through it.
[SPEAKER_01]: I remember a person said a while ago, that one of our greatest jobs is parents is to actually name what are children are experiencing, so they can make, we are, it's our job to help our kids
[SPEAKER_01]: And so we have a job to explain to our kids what's happening for them and they're I mean half the time it's explaining our kids to themselves but then it's also like explaining how will it mention does this come when our kids are little mommy and daddy had an argument you saw that we were frustrated with each other and we worked it out and we apologize like we still do this with our kids to this day.
[SPEAKER_01]: It's something you would fill in day and do with your kids and we've taken on and our kids to this point that it's at nauseam You know for them.
[SPEAKER_01]: They know it so well.
[SPEAKER_01]: They're just like, I know you guys apologize.
[SPEAKER_01]: I just worked it out great.
[SPEAKER_01]: You know They're quick to just be like we know the we know the thing But I think it's our job.
[SPEAKER_01]: That's just one example of many to name and to identify what's going on in their life in the world to make sense of it for them
[SPEAKER_01]: because that actually is one way that you mitigate against catastrophic to an extent catastrophic emotional pain that they can't process or understand.
[SPEAKER_03]: Yeah, and I think what Elizabeth was talking about attachment, ways in here, because our goal is we want them to attach to us, of course, but our goal is that they would attach to the father and that they would take those four
[SPEAKER_03]: and soothed.
[SPEAKER_03]: And soothing is in times of trauma, in times of pain, whether we inflicted the pain by a harsh word or neglected some sort got involved on our phone when they needed our attention,
[SPEAKER_03]: If we could create a perfect world, why do they need to turn to the Father for shelter?
[SPEAKER_03]: I'd love, Eddie.
[SPEAKER_03]: He's often in the Old Testament, especially in the Psalms, calls himself a shelter.
[SPEAKER_03]: And David called him his shelter, because David was a leader of a nation, and he was being lambasted and people were being disloyal to him and hard things were happening.
[SPEAKER_03]: So he ran into God as his shelter.
[SPEAKER_03]: So those painful times are where our kids, we sue them the way God sue.
[SPEAKER_03]: So we teach them that the Holy Spirit is the one to go to for comfort.
[SPEAKER_03]: And they feel it in real time, you know, Matthew at eight years old came down with type one diabetes.
[SPEAKER_03]: And it was just it.
[SPEAKER_03]: really shook our world like this, major earthquake and a chronic very dangerous disease that would follow him for the rest of his life.
[SPEAKER_03]: He would never be able to go back to being carefree about his body again.
[SPEAKER_03]: Um, one misstep could send him to the hospital and for the rest of his life, and I just wore that so painfully.
[SPEAKER_03]: And, and, you know, Matthew was the youngest of four.
[SPEAKER_03]: The day he was born.
[SPEAKER_03]: The three of you, kids, Tom Mark, Rebecca and Elizabeth were standing out right outside the door in the hallway.
[SPEAKER_03]: And then, as soon as, you know, they opened the nurses to open the door, you guys burst in there, just, you know, he was just laying on my chest.
[SPEAKER_03]: That's the world he was born into of these people who were these five people who were delighted with everything about him and every step he took every little toy he played with constant delight in him.
[SPEAKER_03]: And then he gets diabetes, and I'm crying out to God saying, why, how come, you know, like every pair of ears, those are honest questions.
[SPEAKER_03]: You could have stopped this God, why did this happen?
[SPEAKER_03]: And having this firm sense of the father, was in the hospital, soaked up to IVs, was in the hospital, and having this firm sense of God saying trust me.
[SPEAKER_03]: not that it caused it, not that it was for some good thing.
[SPEAKER_03]: Trust me, I'm going to bring something about out of this.
[SPEAKER_03]: And then years later, realizing how easily we could have just turned him into an entitled spoiled attention-seeking kid without even meaning to, because we loved him so much.
[SPEAKER_03]: And I feel like the diabetes gave him like a rod in his back.
[SPEAKER_03]: It made him resilient and strong and able to endure instead of needing to be coddled.
[SPEAKER_03]: You know, he's a very strong person in the best sense of the word.
[SPEAKER_03]: So I wish he never had diabetes.
[SPEAKER_03]: I wish he still didn't have diabetes.
[SPEAKER_03]: And some of the effects that keep on in your body as you age with it.
[SPEAKER_03]: Had it like 25 years now, what does it something that you want to say?
[SPEAKER_02]: Yeah.
[SPEAKER_02]: To almost a three.
[SPEAKER_03]: So I wish I could have shielded him from the suffering of that, but I couldn't.
[SPEAKER_03]: And I think God wants to work those things into his life to make him a man of God.
[SPEAKER_03]: I know a couple of that.
[SPEAKER_03]: I went to school with.
[SPEAKER_03]: Last year, almost a year ago now on his fifth birthday, he was admitted to the hospital with leukemia and it's been a battle for his life in and out of the hospital all year.
[SPEAKER_03]: And it just, you know, I follow them, it's port them prayer.
[SPEAKER_03]: And I think, okay, what is, what is God going to do in this whole family's life?
[SPEAKER_03]: Keep their child's life.
[SPEAKER_03]: So, of course, they want to shield him for that, you know?
[SPEAKER_03]: They want him to live, but what is God going to do in the midst of it?
[SPEAKER_03]: I think a parent has to have a certain amount of trust in God, but he will use the hard things.
[SPEAKER_03]: Divorce happens in families that don't want to force.
[SPEAKER_03]: Other tragedies happen.
[SPEAKER_03]: And he wish you could shield your kids from it, and God wishes that you would trust him.
[SPEAKER_01]: Yeah.
[SPEAKER_00]: Makes me think of the story of Joseph, you know, where all of it was stuff done to him at the hands of others.
[SPEAKER_00]: And then you see this incredible story play out.
[SPEAKER_00]: And he says what would you meant for evil?
[SPEAKER_00]: God meant for good and to save many lives.
[SPEAKER_00]: And you see in the story, how God used it for incredible good in Joseph's own life and humility and all of that.
[SPEAKER_00]: But then
[SPEAKER_03]: And it was just family.
[SPEAKER_03]: So this is family trauma.
[SPEAKER_00]: Family trauma.
[SPEAKER_00]: Yeah.
[SPEAKER_00]: I love what you said about naming, naming for our kids instead of just, I think their propensity is to protect and so we avoid acknowledging the hard thing, but there really is power in saying, I know this is really hard.
[SPEAKER_00]: I know that, you know, I think the person that asks this question also asked it in the context of a really broken marriage.
[SPEAKER_00]: like finding a way to be able to name that appropriately so that the kid understands, oh, what I'm seeing and experiencing, there is, there is something here.
[SPEAKER_00]: Like, it's hard.
[SPEAKER_00]: Yes.
[SPEAKER_00]: But I also was thinking of, um,
[SPEAKER_00]: You know, over kind of the course of two episodes, Sally shared much of her story.
[SPEAKER_00]: And I know Brooke, you talk a lot about how much her story is so hopeful to you.
[SPEAKER_00]: So anybody who's like maybe really resonating with this question, maybe go back and listen to those because when you hear the harm that was done to her and then her response to that pain and some things she did to cause more pain, but it was all out of this horrific
[SPEAKER_00]: And then you see what God has done and she very self admittedly said I didn't know any of this stuff when I was raising my kids I did I didn't come to the Lord till my 30s, you know, already had all of my kids and To see how God is using all of that horrible stuff that happened to her yes To say many like to help me become this healer.
[SPEAKER_00]: Yes, and if you if you're actually with or you feel the healing power of the Holy Spirit
[SPEAKER_00]: by what God has done in her, not because she's like, I'm going to use this for good.
[SPEAKER_01]: And so I'm going to, yeah, we don't need any more rah rah people.
[SPEAKER_00]: No, no, and I just think we need, we need people sharing those stories to give us hope, whether it's a mild eye over respond to my kids too often or there's legitimate harms that you have no control over.
[SPEAKER_00]: To hear the stories of God and to increase our trust in what he can do completely outside of what we can or can't do, what we can't protect them from, what we don't have the ability to provide for them.
[SPEAKER_01]: Final thoughts, Phil.
[SPEAKER_02]: Final thought, I'd like to read a few verses from a Psalm because the story of Joseph is powerful.
[SPEAKER_02]: He's a type of Christ.
[SPEAKER_02]: He's a picture of Christ.
[SPEAKER_02]: He was taken away from his family, but the phrase that's all through that story, but the Lord was with Joseph.
[SPEAKER_02]: He's in prison, but the Lord was with Joseph.
[SPEAKER_02]: So I think you can't shield your kids from emotional pain, but you want to teach them to run to God in the pain.
[SPEAKER_02]: And so then we have to ask ourselves as parents where do I go?
[SPEAKER_02]: When I'm emotionally hurt when somebody criticizes me, do I lash out or do I go to something to run from it or do I go to God?
[SPEAKER_02]: And I think that that's God has a perspective we do not have.
[SPEAKER_02]: He's outside of time and he's molding us.
[SPEAKER_02]: His purpose, Romans 8, is to mold us into the image of his son and we all know that that happens more in hard things.
[SPEAKER_02]: And that's where we become strong and we need to teach our kids the same because one day we're going to launch them out into the world.
[SPEAKER_02]: So we want to teach them when they get hurt.
[SPEAKER_02]: Yes, that was horrible.
[SPEAKER_02]: What that what they said to you.
[SPEAKER_02]: That must have felt awful.
[SPEAKER_02]: But let's let's go to Jesus because he knows what that feels like because he was also insulted and.
[SPEAKER_02]: literally killed.
[SPEAKER_02]: But he never reviled back.
[SPEAKER_02]: I think we teach our kids anyway.
[SPEAKER_02]: Psalm 91, he who dwells in the shelter of the most high will abide in the shadow of the Almighty.
[SPEAKER_02]: I will say to the Lord, my refuge and my fortress.
[SPEAKER_02]: my God and in my trust.
[SPEAKER_02]: So faith has to come in.
[SPEAKER_02]: You got to teach your kids to walk by faith.
[SPEAKER_02]: I will say to the Lord, you're my refuge, your my fortress.
[SPEAKER_02]: He's the one who delivers you from the snare of the trapper, from the deadly pestilence.
[SPEAKER_02]: He will cover you with his opinions under his wings.
[SPEAKER_02]: You may seek refuge because his faithfulness is a shield.
[SPEAKER_02]: How do I shield my kids?
[SPEAKER_02]: His faithfulness is a shield.
[SPEAKER_02]: and the bowl work and it goes on and on how we don't have to fear because we can dwell in the shadow of the Almighty.
[SPEAKER_02]: So I think that's what it is for me.
[SPEAKER_02]: I'm still doing that in my 70s, what I'm hurt when somebody fends me or hurts me or you know I'm still learning to run to the
[SPEAKER_01]: I think it's a great way to end it wherever you're at with any of these questions, process them right at down.
[SPEAKER_01]: And thank you for sending in these questions.
[SPEAKER_01]: We'll keep addressing as we do every couple episodes, all the different various questions that come in, but thanks for following along and covering these four today.