WEBVTT 00:02.268 --> 00:05.090 [SPEAKER_00]: Hey friends, welcome to the Christian Parenting podcast. 00:05.170 --> 00:08.271 [SPEAKER_00]: I'm your host, Steph Thirling, and I am so glad that you are with us today. 00:08.812 --> 00:12.714 [SPEAKER_00]: If you're new, I would love for you to follow the shows that you don't miss any future episodes. 00:12.894 --> 00:17.737 [SPEAKER_00]: And if this podcast has encouraged you, would you just take a moment to leave a rating or review? 00:18.197 --> 00:22.539 [SPEAKER_00]: It helps other parents find us and then join this community and I appreciate it so much. 00:22.599 --> 00:24.020 [SPEAKER_00]: It means a lot to me, so thank you. 00:24.580 --> 00:30.624 [SPEAKER_00]: Today, I am thrilled to welcome back my guest, licensed professional counselor and bestselling author, Deborah Felida. 00:31.144 --> 00:40.126 [SPEAKER_00]: You may know her from her many books on emotional and spiritual health, but this time she sharing something brand new, which is her first children's book any day emotions. 00:40.606 --> 00:50.809 [SPEAKER_00]: And we're talking about what it looks like to raise emotionally healthy families, how to help our kids name and manage their big feelings and why doing our own emotional work as parents is so important. 00:51.409 --> 00:54.990 [SPEAKER_00]: This is a really rich and practical conversation, and I can't wait for you to hear it. 01:04.233 --> 01:04.893 [SPEAKER_00]: Hi, Deborah. 01:05.013 --> 01:07.214 [SPEAKER_00]: Welcome back to the Christian Parenting podcast. 01:07.234 --> 01:08.494 [SPEAKER_00]: You've been here one time before. 01:08.514 --> 01:09.994 [SPEAKER_00]: We think about two years ago. 01:10.474 --> 01:14.655 [SPEAKER_00]: You've written multiple books since you've been on, including a kids book, which we're gonna talk about. 01:14.996 --> 01:22.697 [SPEAKER_00]: So for people who don't know you, or kind of what your backstory is, tell us just a little bit about you and yourself, tell us what your family and then what you do. 01:22.937 --> 01:27.879 [SPEAKER_01]: Yeah, my name's Deborah Felada, and I'm a licensed professional counselor. 01:28.259 --> 01:33.340 [SPEAKER_01]: So that's my day job, but I'm also a wife and a mom of four. 01:33.920 --> 01:37.102 [SPEAKER_01]: I have a child in each stage of life right now. 01:37.142 --> 01:41.245 [SPEAKER_01]: I have a toddler, elementary schooler, middle schooler, and high schooler. 01:41.265 --> 01:47.508 [SPEAKER_01]: We're also a home schooling family, which means the kids are home pretty much all the time. 01:47.728 --> 01:54.612 [SPEAKER_01]: And I work from home, and so we just get a lot of time together and our lives are just so intertwined. 01:54.953 --> 02:01.477 [SPEAKER_01]: So it's such a rich season, you know, currently, but also a demanding season. 02:02.897 --> 02:11.362 [SPEAKER_01]: I'm an author of actually ten different books and this, but this is my first children's book called Any Day Emotions. 02:11.582 --> 02:15.864 [SPEAKER_01]: So, you know, it's, it's, it's been a really fun, a really fun season. 02:16.024 --> 02:20.266 [SPEAKER_01]: Yeah, a busy season, a busy season, a full season, a full season, full. 02:20.386 --> 02:20.646 [SPEAKER_00]: I know. 02:20.966 --> 02:24.708 [SPEAKER_00]: Sometimes I feel like, you hear the word busy, or people say that and you're like, but it's not bad. 02:24.768 --> 02:25.669 [SPEAKER_00]: Like, it's a good busy. 02:26.009 --> 02:27.570 [SPEAKER_00]: Yeah, it's at least now. 02:28.190 --> 02:38.757 [SPEAKER_01]: I'll tell you this, it's some of the the things in this stage of life with four kids are inevitable, but we do work really hard to not be busy. 02:39.910 --> 02:52.818 [SPEAKER_01]: to say yes to the things we need to say yes to and know to the things that we don't need to say yes to and have boundaries and limits so that we can enjoy and saver and not be stressed all the time. 02:52.838 --> 02:54.980 [SPEAKER_01]: So I have to practice what I preach. 02:55.000 --> 03:04.005 [SPEAKER_01]: So I try not to say I'm busy because I always tell people that busy is not a badge of honor and so I think having a full-rich life but having 03:07.147 --> 03:09.128 [SPEAKER_00]: Yeah, and we're talking about healthy families today. 03:09.148 --> 03:15.510 [SPEAKER_00]: We're going to talk about emotionally healthy families, which I do think being busy and turning busy into competition, because I think you're right. 03:15.570 --> 03:21.713 [SPEAKER_00]: That is definitely a thing that we do into today's culture is just something that plays into being an emotionally healthy family. 03:21.733 --> 03:22.533 [SPEAKER_00]: Absolutely. 03:23.033 --> 03:27.416 [SPEAKER_00]: Yeah, like I love just the idea of focusing on emotional health in your family. 03:27.436 --> 03:39.705 [SPEAKER_00]: So I guess just like why is it important to focus on that, especially as Christian parents and how do we or why should we have conversations about emotional health like early with our kids and often and focus on it. 03:39.965 --> 03:40.305 [SPEAKER_01]: Yeah. 03:40.666 --> 03:44.570 [SPEAKER_01]: Emotions are such a valuable part of who we are. 03:45.171 --> 03:54.801 [SPEAKER_01]: I really think, especially as Christians, we underestimate the value of emotions and maybe we even vilify emotions a little bit. 03:55.081 --> 03:57.004 [SPEAKER_01]: Like, you shouldn't have them. 03:57.164 --> 03:58.485 [SPEAKER_01]: Why do you feel that way? 03:58.685 --> 04:01.689 [SPEAKER_01]: How do you have faith instead of feelings? 04:02.129 --> 04:06.473 [SPEAKER_01]: Like we say things like this, as if emotions are the enemy. 04:06.713 --> 04:16.462 [SPEAKER_01]: When really they're a gift from God, emotions are a valuable part of the quadrants, the four parts of who God made us to be. 04:16.482 --> 04:21.827 [SPEAKER_01]: When when when when Jesus has loved the Lord your God, with all your heart, soul, mind, and strength. 04:22.087 --> 04:23.789 [SPEAKER_01]: We want to look at that in quadrants. 04:23.869 --> 04:26.531 [SPEAKER_01]: Heart is our emotional health. 04:26.871 --> 04:28.473 [SPEAKER_01]: Soul is our spiritual health. 04:28.993 --> 04:43.629 [SPEAKER_01]: Mind is our mental health, and strength is our physical health, and as parents, as humans first and foremost, we want to make sure that each part of us is aligned with who God wants us to be emotionally mentally spiritually and physically. 04:43.990 --> 04:46.553 [SPEAKER_01]: But a big part of raising healthy children 04:47.830 --> 05:03.311 [SPEAKER_01]: is teaching them to align those parts of them with who God has called them to be and when we ignore the emotional part, we're ignoring a big quadrant, a big part of who God wants them to be and how He wants them to function. 05:03.851 --> 05:12.674 [SPEAKER_01]: as healthy people, and so it's a conversation for adults, first and foremost, that we then pass along to our children. 05:13.014 --> 05:19.456 [SPEAKER_01]: And obviously as a counselor, mental and emotional health are huge for me and for my family. 05:19.836 --> 05:21.717 [SPEAKER_01]: So it is a really important topic. 05:21.897 --> 05:22.117 [SPEAKER_01]: Yeah. 05:22.577 --> 05:35.311 [SPEAKER_00]: Well, I love that you talk about it because I do think it's true that we sometimes just like in Christian circles, especially kind of brush over them and we say things like emotions are liars and they're strict to that, you know, like we can't live by our emotions, but they are part of who God made us to be. 05:35.411 --> 05:38.475 [SPEAKER_00]: And so we have to talk about them and acknowledge them and work 05:38.795 --> 05:39.955 [SPEAKER_00]: through them sometimes. 05:40.155 --> 05:44.757 [SPEAKER_00]: I've said this before on this podcast, but I have some kids with some really big feelings. 05:45.117 --> 06:04.583 [SPEAKER_00]: Big healers and I think it's so beautiful the way that they feel things and they're so empathetic and they just care so much about people in the world and I think they view things differently because they feel so deeply and sometimes as a parent I feel like I manage that really well and I help them work through all their emotions and identify things and sometimes it's just straight overwhelming. 06:05.403 --> 06:06.123 [SPEAKER_00]: in hard. 06:06.503 --> 06:15.065 [SPEAKER_00]: So let's start, like, what encouragement would you get to an overwhelmed parent who's child does struggle to manage emotions sometime? 06:15.185 --> 06:15.465 [SPEAKER_01]: Yeah. 06:15.705 --> 06:20.946 [SPEAKER_01]: First of all, I think it's important for us to define emotions as signals. 06:21.287 --> 06:27.668 [SPEAKER_01]: Emotions are a signal that God has given us to cause us to pay attention to something. 06:28.068 --> 06:29.609 [SPEAKER_01]: That's the first part of emotions. 06:29.830 --> 06:37.536 [SPEAKER_01]: The second part is emotions are a signal that God has given us to encourage us to connect with someone. 06:37.736 --> 06:44.681 [SPEAKER_01]: Whether that's God, whether that's myself, I've to connect with myself, what's going on inside of me, or to connect with others. 06:45.001 --> 06:52.187 [SPEAKER_01]: So there's signal to help us pay attention to what's going on under the need to surface but there's also a signal to help us pause and connect. 06:52.627 --> 06:56.530 [SPEAKER_01]: And when you see it that way, it's like emotions are a gift. 06:56.770 --> 06:59.372 [SPEAKER_01]: Without emotions, we wouldn't have that signal. 06:59.592 --> 07:06.036 [SPEAKER_01]: Now, for kids who are big feelers, you know, when you think about a signal, for example, a fire alarm. 07:06.216 --> 07:06.877 [SPEAKER_01]: That's a signal. 07:07.197 --> 07:08.138 [SPEAKER_01]: It signals to you. 07:08.158 --> 07:10.259 [SPEAKER_01]: There's something going on that you need to pay attention to. 07:10.639 --> 07:14.222 [SPEAKER_01]: But what if your fire alarm is too sensing? 07:14.522 --> 07:15.583 [SPEAKER_01]: It senses too much. 07:15.903 --> 07:21.267 [SPEAKER_01]: we currently actually have a fire alarm that every time I put something in the air fryer. 07:21.588 --> 07:22.408 [SPEAKER_01]: Nothing's burnt. 07:22.669 --> 07:27.633 [SPEAKER_01]: It just senses that there's heat, something's cooking, and it just starts to like go off. 07:28.293 --> 07:31.396 [SPEAKER_01]: And it's been like this annoying thing in the family. 07:31.416 --> 07:33.397 [SPEAKER_01]: We're like, uh, be careful with the air fryer. 07:33.878 --> 07:35.559 [SPEAKER_01]: No chicken nuggets for you guys. 07:35.579 --> 07:37.701 [SPEAKER_01]: Because you know the alarm's going to go up. 07:38.441 --> 07:43.768 [SPEAKER_01]: So for some people, their alarm is too sensitive. 07:43.888 --> 07:50.496 [SPEAKER_01]: It senses too much whereas others, their alarm senses way too little. 07:50.596 --> 07:55.882 [SPEAKER_01]: It is turned way down and they don't feel things until there's a fire. 07:56.963 --> 08:05.705 [SPEAKER_01]: Neither of those aspects are healthy or good and we have to learn to turn up the dial or turn down the dial to a healthy place. 08:06.065 --> 08:09.946 [SPEAKER_01]: So when we talk about things like feelings are not as important as faith. 08:10.386 --> 08:12.427 [SPEAKER_01]: Faith over feelings, don't trust your feelings. 08:12.887 --> 08:17.588 [SPEAKER_01]: I think those apply when our feelings are over working. 08:18.208 --> 08:19.849 [SPEAKER_01]: over-sensing, right? 08:20.170 --> 08:21.811 [SPEAKER_01]: That happens for many reasons. 08:22.011 --> 08:27.034 [SPEAKER_01]: We could have underlying anxiety, which causes our nervous system to be unhyper alert. 08:27.375 --> 08:32.798 [SPEAKER_01]: And so when anything happens, we just, the alarm goes off, even if we're safe and secure. 08:33.159 --> 08:39.103 [SPEAKER_01]: Because our nervous system is functioning from anxiety, it could be underlying trauma. 08:39.503 --> 08:41.845 [SPEAKER_01]: Our nervous system has underlying trauma. 08:42.345 --> 08:46.569 [SPEAKER_01]: It could be developed mental delays or disabilities or struggles. 08:46.610 --> 08:55.959 [SPEAKER_01]: It could be neurological issues underneath the surface like ADHD that cause our alarm system to be over-sensing. 08:56.179 --> 09:01.584 [SPEAKER_01]: And I list those many different reasons because it's not always a cookie cutter or answer of why one kid. 09:02.325 --> 09:22.360 [SPEAKER_01]: is over-sensing, you know, I think of one of my children struggled with anxiety growing up and for a couple different things there was a couple different experiences based on natural wiring which caused the alarm system to be overactive and so we'd have to talk through okay what is really going on? 09:22.700 --> 09:25.622 [SPEAKER_01]: How do we turn the alarm down with healthy thoughts and 09:26.042 --> 09:32.606 [SPEAKER_01]: And how do we get you to a healthy place so that you're not constantly feeling like you're triggered and scared and nervous about things? 09:32.966 --> 09:36.188 [SPEAKER_01]: But then there's other kids who's alarm system is totally off. 09:36.528 --> 09:37.509 [SPEAKER_01]: They don't like to feel. 09:37.549 --> 09:41.271 [SPEAKER_01]: They don't want to feel feelings overwhelmed them, so they just shut it off. 09:41.631 --> 09:47.915 [SPEAKER_01]: God wants our signal to be right in the middle, the healthy middle. 09:48.315 --> 09:58.541 [SPEAKER_01]: not too much, not too little because if emotions are a signal and our signals on mute, we can't pay attention to what God is calling us to pay attention to. 09:58.881 --> 10:04.584 [SPEAKER_01]: We can't connect to people in healthy ways the way that God wants us to connect using our feelings. 10:05.264 --> 10:13.109 [SPEAKER_01]: So that's why it's important for us to kind of have an understanding and awareness of what feelings even are to be able to teach our kids. 10:13.389 --> 10:17.192 [SPEAKER_01]: And honestly, this starts with conversations when they're really little. 10:17.392 --> 10:21.175 [SPEAKER_01]: Any day emotions is a picture book that I would say for ages three, 10:22.335 --> 10:43.243 [SPEAKER_01]: 10 to sit them down and say, OK, here are the different feelings that happen inside of you 13 different feelings I think a first step is even learning to identify and name the signal because it's not one big signal there's so many different signals in each of them point to a different thing that we can't pay attention to if we're not aware of what that feeling. 10:43.903 --> 10:44.043 [SPEAKER_01]: is. 10:44.063 --> 10:47.407 [SPEAKER_01]: So learning how to name our feeling acknowledge. 10:47.447 --> 10:47.747 [SPEAKER_01]: Okay. 10:48.027 --> 10:49.509 [SPEAKER_01]: I'm feeling guilty. 10:49.869 --> 10:51.551 [SPEAKER_01]: I'm feeling overwhelmed. 10:51.931 --> 10:53.312 [SPEAKER_01]: I'm feeling worried. 10:53.673 --> 10:55.474 [SPEAKER_01]: I'm feeling jealous. 10:55.795 --> 10:57.096 [SPEAKER_01]: I'm feeling ashamed. 10:57.496 --> 10:59.198 [SPEAKER_01]: Like what are the different feelings? 10:59.578 --> 11:01.200 [SPEAKER_01]: What are they signaling? 11:01.540 --> 11:08.287 [SPEAKER_01]: And then once we can name them, we can help our kids start to unpack them and figure out what to do with those feelings. 11:08.567 --> 11:25.432 [SPEAKER_00]: Yeah, well, and I think starting young is so good because sometimes we get our feeling is mixed up, you know, like sometimes my son will be like, I'm just mad and like are you mad or like it sounds like you're feeling jealous, you know, like we kind of have these default that we go to because there may be easier to express or say. 11:25.692 --> 11:26.493 [SPEAKER_01]: You're absolutely right. 11:26.533 --> 11:34.405 [SPEAKER_01]: The interesting thing about mad and anger is that in counseling and psychology we say that anger is a secondary emotion. 11:34.945 --> 11:40.974 [SPEAKER_01]: What that means is it's the emotion that comes up in any day emotions, anger is the volcano. 11:41.695 --> 11:44.677 [SPEAKER_01]: because the pressure is building underneath the surface. 11:44.797 --> 11:49.680 [SPEAKER_01]: Just like a volcano, the pressure builds and the pressure is all these other emotions. 11:49.880 --> 11:50.780 [SPEAKER_01]: I'm disappointed. 11:51.140 --> 11:51.761 [SPEAKER_01]: I'm afraid. 11:52.121 --> 11:55.523 [SPEAKER_01]: I'm hurt, but I don't know how to articulate that. 11:56.323 --> 12:02.187 [SPEAKER_01]: So those the pressure starts to build and build and build until it finds the point of least resistance. 12:02.927 --> 12:04.948 [SPEAKER_01]: and comes up like a volcano. 12:05.389 --> 12:08.110 [SPEAKER_01]: And so what you did with your child is very good. 12:08.170 --> 12:14.054 [SPEAKER_01]: It's like, okay, if anger is the emotion that's easiest to show, well, what's underneath your volcano? 12:14.414 --> 12:16.195 [SPEAKER_01]: What's building up underneath? 12:16.375 --> 12:17.456 [SPEAKER_01]: What was that pressure? 12:17.816 --> 12:23.599 [SPEAKER_01]: One activity that I do with one of my boys who struggles with anger, he loves this volcano analogy. 12:23.679 --> 12:29.463 [SPEAKER_01]: So he's always like, well, my volcano exploded and then, and then we talk about, okay, I could explode it with anger, but let's talk 12:32.084 --> 12:37.968 [SPEAKER_01]: So he'll say, OK, well, when I woke up this morning, I went to get a waffle and my brother ate the last one. 12:37.988 --> 12:40.289 [SPEAKER_01]: So that was 10% of the volcano. 12:40.789 --> 12:44.071 [SPEAKER_01]: And then I went to get my schoolwork started for the day. 12:44.291 --> 12:47.914 [SPEAKER_01]: And my couldn't find my favorite pencil and that was 20% of the volcano. 12:48.294 --> 12:54.477 [SPEAKER_01]: And then my little brother took something that belongs to me and you didn't even say sorry and that was 30% of my volcano. 12:54.538 --> 12:58.240 [SPEAKER_01]: And he kind of like maps it out in percentages because it helps his brain. 12:58.680 --> 12:59.901 [SPEAKER_01]: figure out how to set. 13:00.281 --> 13:01.321 [SPEAKER_01]: I was disappointed. 13:01.341 --> 13:02.282 [SPEAKER_01]: I was hurt. 13:02.582 --> 13:03.362 [SPEAKER_01]: I was offended. 13:03.682 --> 13:11.686 [SPEAKER_01]: And then mom, when you asked me to unload the dishwasher, and I felt overwhelmed, that was the last 10% of my volcano, and then it all exploded. 13:12.366 --> 13:15.628 [SPEAKER_01]: And it actually really has helped him to map it out. 13:15.768 --> 13:17.869 [SPEAKER_01]: Okay, the volcano has exploded. 13:18.389 --> 13:19.849 [SPEAKER_01]: What was underneath that? 13:19.950 --> 13:21.410 [SPEAKER_01]: What could we have done differently? 13:21.450 --> 13:22.951 [SPEAKER_01]: What did each percentage feel like? 13:23.251 --> 13:24.291 [SPEAKER_01]: Where could we have tweaked? 13:24.331 --> 13:26.893 [SPEAKER_01]: Where could we have stopped and asked 13:27.813 --> 13:35.942 [SPEAKER_01]: or asked for an apology, or been vulnerable, and it has really helped him to kind of begin to conceptualize what's actually happening underneath anger. 13:36.262 --> 13:47.795 [SPEAKER_01]: To the point where we were in the car recently, and we'd had like a little bit of a argument, you know, people were tense, and my son's ex, you know, sometimes he, kids mimic you, right? 13:47.875 --> 13:49.197 [SPEAKER_01]: So he's like, he's like, 13:49.597 --> 13:50.838 [SPEAKER_01]: So what's everybody feeling? 13:50.898 --> 13:53.219 [SPEAKER_01]: Let's go around and everybody share what they're feeling. 13:53.579 --> 13:55.581 [SPEAKER_01]: And my husband's like, I'm feeling angry. 13:55.921 --> 13:58.662 [SPEAKER_01]: And he goes, Dad, what's underneath that anger? 13:58.682 --> 14:06.387 [SPEAKER_01]: We just had to look at each other on the laugh because he is starting to pick up the things that are not his natural bent. 14:06.807 --> 14:08.448 [SPEAKER_01]: His natural bent is to be angry. 14:08.668 --> 14:11.590 [SPEAKER_01]: But it's like now he's even talking us through. 14:11.650 --> 14:12.691 [SPEAKER_01]: Well, what's underneath that? 14:12.971 --> 14:16.093 [SPEAKER_01]: Because he's starting to learn and that started with 14:18.714 --> 14:20.555 [SPEAKER_01]: You know, yeah, that he's a teenager. 14:20.575 --> 14:26.717 [SPEAKER_01]: He's 13 now and he's able to kind of start putting the pieces together for himself. 14:26.977 --> 14:27.217 [SPEAKER_01]: Yeah. 14:27.738 --> 14:29.138 [SPEAKER_00]: Well, I don't know. 14:29.318 --> 14:29.578 [SPEAKER_00]: Yeah. 14:29.778 --> 14:34.700 [SPEAKER_00]: I love that too because like for the Supervisual kids, I feel like you could even like have a volcano. 14:34.860 --> 14:38.142 [SPEAKER_00]: Like because they have a different to full volcano and they can draw it out. 14:38.282 --> 14:38.522 [SPEAKER_00]: Yeah. 14:38.542 --> 14:41.663 [SPEAKER_01]: Like make what layers each layer of pressure. 14:42.083 --> 14:42.984 [SPEAKER_01]: How much percent? 14:43.124 --> 14:43.704 [SPEAKER_01]: What was it? 14:43.764 --> 14:44.264 [SPEAKER_01]: What happened? 14:44.284 --> 14:44.404 [SPEAKER_01]: How 14:46.765 --> 14:49.286 [SPEAKER_01]: because each layer adds a component to it. 14:49.726 --> 14:54.849 [SPEAKER_01]: And goodness gracious, don't we need that as adults sometimes when you get to the end of the day? 14:54.869 --> 14:56.950 [SPEAKER_01]: And you're just like, I am done. 14:57.370 --> 14:58.991 [SPEAKER_01]: Okay, what was underneath that volcano? 14:59.351 --> 15:00.692 [SPEAKER_01]: And what could I have done differently? 15:00.932 --> 15:05.334 [SPEAKER_01]: And what if I was actually aware of that first layer of pressure of disappointment? 15:05.534 --> 15:07.315 [SPEAKER_01]: And then I was aware of the embarrassment. 15:07.715 --> 15:20.282 [SPEAKER_01]: and then I was aware of the inadequacy, like if I dealt with each piece with that of affected things, how could that have decreased the pressure so that I never got to the part where everything exploded? 15:20.303 --> 15:30.488 [SPEAKER_01]: Yeah, and so being able to just even model that for our kids, emotionally healthy families start with emotionally healthy parents. 15:30.869 --> 15:34.611 [SPEAKER_01]: And I believe that is a great privilege and a great responsibility. 15:34.891 --> 15:39.112 [SPEAKER_01]: you know, yeah, it is more important than anything that we can do. 15:39.312 --> 15:39.553 [SPEAKER_00]: Yeah. 15:39.873 --> 15:40.073 [SPEAKER_00]: Okay. 15:40.113 --> 15:43.574 [SPEAKER_00]: I want to get to parents, but one follow-up question about kids first. 15:43.954 --> 15:44.174 [SPEAKER_00]: Yeah. 15:44.194 --> 15:50.716 [SPEAKER_00]: So sometimes I feel like my kids are really good at expressing their emotions, because we've practiced it too, probably not as well as you, but we have. 15:51.376 --> 15:59.739 [SPEAKER_00]: And but then sometimes especially as they get older, like as my kids are entering the tween in teen years, I feel like I can tell when they're keeping something in and, you know, 16:03.380 --> 16:09.845 [SPEAKER_00]: What are maybe some like science that emotions are being held inward or some things that parents can do to help? 16:10.282 --> 16:14.183 [SPEAKER_00]: drop that out and a healthy way without being the obnoxious parent. 16:14.383 --> 16:38.531 [SPEAKER_01]: Yeah, honestly, I think it's a lot to do with timing because sometimes when you're feeling the emotion, the most is not the best time to talk about it, especially because it's especially anger, but it's almost like the emotions cloud your reasoning because emotions are coming from the part of our brain called the amygdala and our logic part of our brain is 16:40.392 --> 16:50.255 [SPEAKER_01]: So when the amygdala is activated, it trumps the cortex, which means we're thinking from our emotional brain, not necessarily our logical brain. 16:50.655 --> 17:00.257 [SPEAKER_01]: So if I'm trying to have a conversation with a child who is at the height of their emotional brain, 90 percent emotional brain, we're not going to get very far. 17:00.657 --> 17:05.258 [SPEAKER_01]: So I always think, okay, when it would be a good time to talk about this is when the emotions have 17:08.268 --> 17:13.310 [SPEAKER_01]: and say, hey, I noticed earlier today, we're feeling, you know, you seemed a little irritable. 17:14.030 --> 17:16.971 [SPEAKER_01]: You were kind of rude to me a little bit earlier. 17:16.991 --> 17:21.153 [SPEAKER_01]: I noticed that you were kind of quiet at the dinner table. 17:21.753 --> 17:35.998 [SPEAKER_01]: What's going on is there anything you want to talk about how you do and spend time reviewing the film rather than in the moment trying to get something out of them, because if it comes out, it's probably not going to come out in a healthy way. 17:37.078 --> 17:45.622 [SPEAKER_01]: to be able to help them later, helps them the next time around, like what I'm doing in hindsight is helping them for the future. 17:45.942 --> 17:51.564 [SPEAKER_01]: So it can really be a good, you know, hey I noticed you were really irritated when you got home and 17:51.864 --> 17:52.745 [SPEAKER_01]: What was going on there? 17:52.805 --> 17:53.725 [SPEAKER_01]: Yeah, you're right. 17:53.925 --> 17:54.505 [SPEAKER_01]: I was. 17:54.525 --> 18:05.471 [SPEAKER_01]: I just had a really bad day at school and then I came home and I felt overwhelmed by, you know, you were asking me so many questions and I just started feeling overwhelmed and this was going on and and they were more likely to take ownership. 18:05.511 --> 18:08.733 [SPEAKER_01]: They're more likely to be able to identify it later. 18:09.513 --> 18:10.434 [SPEAKER_01]: and think through it later. 18:10.454 --> 18:12.536 [SPEAKER_01]: So that's what I would suggest. 18:12.656 --> 18:32.536 [SPEAKER_01]: I would suggest in the moment some trying to make them comfortable and make yourself comfortable knowing that this emotion is like a wave and when it's at the peak of the wave, it's not the best time to talk through it, rather how do we get on a floaty together and ride this wave out and then we can talk through it. 18:32.896 --> 18:34.057 [SPEAKER_01]: So that's what I would say. 18:34.137 --> 18:37.658 [SPEAKER_01]: Like, how do I make myself and them as comfortable as possible? 18:37.878 --> 18:39.819 [SPEAKER_01]: So that, hey, you want to drink a water? 18:40.120 --> 18:41.820 [SPEAKER_01]: You know, the could be some dehydration. 18:42.080 --> 18:42.861 [SPEAKER_01]: Do you need a snack? 18:43.141 --> 18:46.262 [SPEAKER_01]: The could be my body needs to come back down with a snack. 18:46.663 --> 18:47.703 [SPEAKER_01]: Do you need a walk? 18:48.043 --> 18:49.704 [SPEAKER_01]: Do you need a healthy distraction? 18:50.064 --> 18:51.925 [SPEAKER_01]: And then we come together later. 18:52.285 --> 18:57.748 [SPEAKER_01]: I think the part that we often don't do well is we try to talk about it in the moment. 18:58.108 --> 19:01.410 [SPEAKER_01]: And then there's an explosion and then we leave it. 19:02.050 --> 19:04.992 [SPEAKER_01]: or we don't talk about it in the moment and then we leave it. 19:05.212 --> 19:10.795 [SPEAKER_01]: The key is going back to it and making sure that we review the film and process and hindsight talk through it. 19:11.115 --> 19:14.497 [SPEAKER_01]: And then we have lessons to take with us for the future. 19:14.717 --> 19:27.044 [SPEAKER_00]: Yeah, because I feel like the times that I handle things the worst is when one of my kids is having some big anger moment or some emotional meltdown and then I try to fix it and then they don't respond well to me and then my volcano starts to get filled. 19:27.064 --> 19:29.045 [SPEAKER_00]: Exactly, I always volcano starts exploding. 19:29.265 --> 19:32.466 [SPEAKER_00]: And like, excuse me, I'm doing this really well and you're not responding to me. 19:32.967 --> 19:34.227 [SPEAKER_00]: Yeah, I don't do it well anymore. 19:34.587 --> 19:35.147 [SPEAKER_00]: Exactly. 19:35.168 --> 19:36.668 [SPEAKER_01]: Yeah, exactly. 19:37.328 --> 19:40.230 [SPEAKER_01]: So really, I guess the word stabilization. 19:40.350 --> 19:43.131 [SPEAKER_01]: My goal is to stabilize everybody. 19:43.151 --> 19:46.012 [SPEAKER_01]: I just stabilize myself, to stabilize you. 19:46.352 --> 19:48.853 [SPEAKER_01]: You, job as to stabilize yourself. 19:49.213 --> 19:50.654 [SPEAKER_01]: My job as to stabilize myself. 19:50.754 --> 19:53.455 [SPEAKER_01]: Other parent, I can help you stabilize yourself as needed. 19:53.795 --> 19:55.076 [SPEAKER_01]: Making some suggestions. 19:55.136 --> 19:56.596 [SPEAKER_01]: Hey, I'm noticing this. 19:56.716 --> 19:57.357 [SPEAKER_01]: Why don't you? 19:58.017 --> 19:58.918 [SPEAKER_01]: Would this be helpful? 19:58.938 --> 20:00.479 [SPEAKER_01]: Would this be helpful? 20:00.719 --> 20:08.525 [SPEAKER_01]: And maybe what's helpful is from mom not to say anything and just give me a little space and that's fine, too You know, but not permanently. 20:08.905 --> 20:10.946 [SPEAKER_01]: I'm knowing that we're going to go back. 20:11.427 --> 20:20.713 [SPEAKER_01]: I'm going to review the film together And making that a habit and teaching your kids that hey, that's important to me that we go back and talk through this just like if I were to explode on you 20:21.614 --> 20:26.316 [SPEAKER_01]: and never come back and talk you through it, never share with you what's going on underneath the surface. 20:26.336 --> 20:31.758 [SPEAKER_01]: We just leave these loose ends when there is a rupture in a relationship we need to seek out or repair. 20:32.118 --> 20:35.219 [SPEAKER_01]: The repair just doesn't have to happen in the moment. 20:35.439 --> 20:37.900 [SPEAKER_01]: Yeah, I love that language too of reviewing the film. 20:38.000 --> 20:38.820 [SPEAKER_00]: I think that's really helpful. 20:39.101 --> 20:45.387 [SPEAKER_01]: Yeah, especially for kids like sports, Mike, my son's love football, and it's like that makes sense to them. 20:45.447 --> 20:48.970 [SPEAKER_01]: Like, yeah, I go in and review the film because how are you going to get better, you know? 20:49.250 --> 20:54.094 [SPEAKER_00]: Yeah, well, you totally, I was just thinking like, my son's going to the film room tonight to review the film for football. 20:54.575 --> 20:55.235 [SPEAKER_00]: Exactly. 20:55.255 --> 20:57.037 [SPEAKER_00]: Yeah, so that'll make sense to him. 20:57.377 --> 21:00.740 [SPEAKER_00]: Yeah, and make it less like cheesy feeling, maybe, I don't know. 21:01.000 --> 21:01.500 [SPEAKER_00]: It's just good. 21:01.640 --> 21:02.020 [SPEAKER_00]: I like it. 21:02.441 --> 21:02.761 [SPEAKER_00]: Yeah. 21:02.781 --> 21:08.983 [SPEAKER_00]: Okay, so moving to parents then kind of like you had led into before like what? 21:09.184 --> 21:14.006 [SPEAKER_00]: Because like you said, so many kids pick up their emotional emotional habits by watching their parents. 21:14.186 --> 21:15.966 [SPEAKER_00]: And again, no one does it perfectly. 21:16.066 --> 21:19.288 [SPEAKER_00]: Like sometimes we totally mess up sometimes we handle it while but like 21:19.868 --> 21:26.871 [SPEAKER_00]: What advice would you give to parents who feel like they need to do some work in order to model healthy emotions for their kids? 21:27.151 --> 21:32.553 [SPEAKER_01]: Yeah, it is such a good place to believe that you have work to do. 21:32.573 --> 21:34.414 [SPEAKER_01]: I think that's a great place to be. 21:34.634 --> 21:36.175 [SPEAKER_01]: It's such a humble place to be. 21:36.515 --> 21:37.675 [SPEAKER_01]: It's such a 21:42.737 --> 21:43.977 [SPEAKER_01]: I want you to make me better. 21:44.057 --> 21:45.618 [SPEAKER_01]: I want you to take me deeper. 21:46.058 --> 21:50.659 [SPEAKER_01]: I want the next level of healing that you have for me. 21:51.019 --> 21:52.679 [SPEAKER_01]: Versus, oh, I'm such a bad parent. 21:53.039 --> 21:53.919 [SPEAKER_01]: I'm not good enough. 21:54.179 --> 21:55.399 [SPEAKER_01]: Why do I keep messing up? 21:55.599 --> 21:57.180 [SPEAKER_01]: Those thoughts are going to sabotage you. 21:57.640 --> 22:01.201 [SPEAKER_01]: But being able to say, yeah, I want to lean into all that you have for me. 22:01.621 --> 22:05.601 [SPEAKER_01]: I want to heal on a deeper level so that I can pass that down to my kids. 22:05.941 --> 22:07.362 [SPEAKER_01]: That's a beautiful place to be. 22:07.722 --> 22:08.102 [SPEAKER_01]: And so, 22:09.202 --> 22:13.471 [SPEAKER_01]: I mean, the goal is that we're always on a journey of asking God to take us deeper. 22:13.791 --> 22:16.276 [SPEAKER_01]: And I think part one starts with... 22:17.415 --> 22:21.917 [SPEAKER_01]: doing the work with a counselor, doing the work by reading. 22:22.277 --> 22:29.981 [SPEAKER_01]: I have three good books for adults who want to do the work of emotional health in their personal life. 22:30.381 --> 22:33.182 [SPEAKER_01]: Are you really okay, set and soul care? 22:33.462 --> 22:38.504 [SPEAKER_01]: And I would say start with the work, start with those books, doing the homework at the end of each chapter. 22:38.744 --> 22:44.127 [SPEAKER_01]: One of the books reset talks you through, like 31 different, like practical, emotional health 22:47.168 --> 22:50.591 [SPEAKER_01]: helping you unpack and process and deal with your emotions. 22:50.971 --> 22:54.373 [SPEAKER_01]: For some people, it's going to require some work with a professional account. 22:54.393 --> 23:01.278 [SPEAKER_01]: So I think everybody should have six sessions at one point with a counselor to do work that they don't even think they have to do. 23:02.019 --> 23:05.241 [SPEAKER_01]: And until you get there and you're like, okay, I'm starting to make these connections. 23:05.281 --> 23:06.342 [SPEAKER_01]: What are these signals? 23:06.886 --> 23:07.787 [SPEAKER_01]: What are they telling me? 23:07.827 --> 23:09.067 [SPEAKER_01]: What do I need to pay attention to? 23:09.308 --> 23:15.532 [SPEAKER_01]: Because sometimes the alarm is turned up or turned down because of things from our childhood. 23:15.892 --> 23:20.315 [SPEAKER_01]: And so having to kind of make those connections and heal is important. 23:20.795 --> 23:24.538 [SPEAKER_01]: So part A, yeah, absolutely do your work personally. 23:24.898 --> 23:25.158 [SPEAKER_01]: Part B. 23:26.119 --> 23:38.412 [SPEAKER_01]: review the film when you do something wrong, when you lose your cool, don't just move on and not acknowledge it, take ownership because it teaches your kids to take ownership. 23:38.512 --> 23:41.996 [SPEAKER_01]: Hey, mommy did not handle that in a healthy way. 23:42.396 --> 23:57.261 [SPEAKER_01]: and I'm really sorry that erased my voice at you because I was feeling frustrated at something else and then when you disobeyed it took my frustration to a level that I don't want it to go and I didn't respond in a healthy way and I'm really sorry I don't want to do that. 23:57.601 --> 23:59.221 [SPEAKER_01]: I commit to doing it better. 23:59.441 --> 24:03.943 [SPEAKER_01]: You know, review the film with your kids, talk them through what's going on inside of you. 24:04.763 --> 24:09.066 [SPEAKER_01]: so that they understand and that they get good at taking ownership and acknowledging. 24:09.446 --> 24:17.492 [SPEAKER_01]: And kids, I have learned so forgiving, I mean, it's amazing how much grace kids will show you when you apologize. 24:17.572 --> 24:19.514 [SPEAKER_01]: It's like, hey, that's all right, mommy. 24:19.854 --> 24:20.955 [SPEAKER_01]: I forgive you, mommy. 24:21.335 --> 24:26.799 [SPEAKER_01]: You know, we all have our bad days and it just creates a culture of humility and ownership. 24:26.879 --> 24:27.620 [SPEAKER_01]: I think the best 24:32.103 --> 24:39.186 [SPEAKER_01]: and how can kids own their stuff if they never see anyone around them owning their stuff because parents are supposed to be perfect. 24:39.246 --> 24:40.387 [SPEAKER_01]: We're supposed to have it all together. 24:40.407 --> 24:45.469 [SPEAKER_01]: We're supposed to know we're supposed to model ownership and that's the key. 24:45.829 --> 24:51.552 [SPEAKER_01]: And so do your work and then when you go off tracks own it, you know, be honest about it. 24:51.812 --> 24:51.992 [SPEAKER_00]: Yeah. 24:52.292 --> 25:00.314 [SPEAKER_00]: I think that is something that our generation of parents is doing well, is taking a little more ownership and apologizing more and just saying, like, we're not perfect. 25:00.374 --> 25:01.494 [SPEAKER_00]: We don't have it all figured out. 25:01.514 --> 25:02.114 [SPEAKER_00]: We're learning. 25:02.214 --> 25:05.635 [SPEAKER_00]: Which is such a gift to be able to give your kids like, I know. 25:05.895 --> 25:07.615 [SPEAKER_00]: You don't have to as an adult. 25:07.955 --> 25:08.696 [SPEAKER_00]: Have it figured out. 25:09.036 --> 25:14.077 [SPEAKER_01]: Like, when it comes to marriage, I think sometimes there's two types of parents. 25:14.117 --> 25:19.658 [SPEAKER_01]: There's parents who just lay it all out in front of their kids, and then there's parents who don't want their kids to ever see them arguing. 25:20.518 --> 25:27.442 [SPEAKER_01]: But what happens is sometimes kids will see their parents arguing, but they won't necessarily see the resolution. 25:27.462 --> 25:33.244 [SPEAKER_01]: You know, or they'll never see their parents arguing, because their parents don't let them. 25:33.605 --> 25:34.865 [SPEAKER_01]: They do it all behind closed doors. 25:35.085 --> 25:39.988 [SPEAKER_01]: But then kids can't see human emotion, human processing. 25:40.028 --> 25:43.930 [SPEAKER_01]: I'm not saying your kids should be part of every conversation, absolutely not. 25:44.310 --> 25:44.650 [SPEAKER_00]: Right? 25:45.070 --> 25:50.022 [SPEAKER_01]: If you're going to start a conversation in front of them, you should also bring them into the resolution. 25:50.647 --> 25:52.928 [SPEAKER_01]: Yeah, I'm not saying they have to be there for the whole thing. 25:53.208 --> 25:59.510 [SPEAKER_01]: But if you start an arguing front of your kids, it's important to later go back and say, hey, I know you guys heard us arguing. 25:59.871 --> 26:04.532 [SPEAKER_01]: Here's what mommy and daddy were, you know, daddy, we weren't kind to each other. 26:04.973 --> 26:10.015 [SPEAKER_01]: Daddy can take ownership, mommy can take ownership, and we apologize to each other, we love each other. 26:10.355 --> 26:12.976 [SPEAKER_01]: Just so that kids see what resolution looks like. 26:13.296 --> 26:14.856 [SPEAKER_01]: Yeah, healthy resolution. 26:15.237 --> 26:16.157 [SPEAKER_01]: So even in that, 26:16.537 --> 26:26.604 [SPEAKER_01]: There's so many opportunities to show emotional health, ownership, rupture than repair, and just modeling all these things to our kids is so healthy. 26:26.804 --> 26:27.685 [SPEAKER_00]: Yeah, I love that. 26:28.025 --> 26:28.885 [SPEAKER_00]: Yeah, and it's so true. 26:28.906 --> 26:29.966 [SPEAKER_00]: Just to see the reconciliation. 26:29.986 --> 26:31.527 [SPEAKER_00]: Because I think we do hide that a little bit. 26:31.888 --> 26:34.689 [SPEAKER_00]: Mostly because it's like, I just want to get over. 26:34.709 --> 26:37.291 [SPEAKER_01]: Yeah, you know, or they go to bed. 26:37.311 --> 26:38.512 [SPEAKER_01]: Yeah, we resolve it. 26:38.892 --> 26:41.434 [SPEAKER_01]: And then we wake up in the morning as if nothing happened, but they didn't 26:44.356 --> 26:51.221 [SPEAKER_01]: Yeah, like I guess we're good today's right, yeah, but it's it's important because that's how they learn strategies. 26:51.321 --> 26:52.561 [SPEAKER_01]: That's how, okay, both. 26:52.882 --> 27:02.728 [SPEAKER_01]: If you apologize for something, both of you took ownership, we don't have to make it a huge deal, but just know that repair happened and, you know, hey, we brought you into the beginning of this. 27:02.908 --> 27:05.350 [SPEAKER_01]: Let's also share with you the happy ending. 27:05.550 --> 27:09.512 [SPEAKER_00]: Yeah, well, that sets them up for success in their own future relationships. 27:09.713 --> 27:10.793 [SPEAKER_00]: Yeah, exactly. 27:11.113 --> 27:11.274 [SPEAKER_00]: Yeah. 27:12.134 --> 27:19.016 [SPEAKER_00]: Okay, can you tell us a little bit like where you because you have a parent's guide with this book, right? 27:19.176 --> 27:20.596 [SPEAKER_00]: So tell us a little bit about that. 27:20.656 --> 27:23.817 [SPEAKER_00]: Just to wrap up our time, tell us about that and then where we can find everything. 27:23.957 --> 27:24.997 [SPEAKER_00]: Absolutely. 27:25.017 --> 27:32.899 [SPEAKER_01]: Yeah, so this book comes with a parent's guide to helping your children with their feelings and it has this really cool activity in there. 27:33.019 --> 27:34.679 [SPEAKER_01]: Something similar to what we talked about. 27:35.119 --> 27:39.140 [SPEAKER_01]: It's a outline of a person and it gives you these instructions of how to 27:42.081 --> 27:59.211 [SPEAKER_01]: with the different feelings, each feeling has a different color, and after they've read through the book, they can really connect what each emotion is like, what it feels like, what to do with it, and then mapping it out in their body and having a conversation that gives you all the prompts to talk through your kids about all the different things they might be feeling. 27:59.571 --> 28:01.712 [SPEAKER_01]: And you can do this on a regular basis. 28:01.732 --> 28:04.694 [SPEAKER_01]: Like, it could be an activity that you do or on a date with your kids. 28:04.794 --> 28:05.674 [SPEAKER_01]: Like, hey, let's do. 28:05.994 --> 28:08.796 [SPEAKER_01]: Let's talk through how you're feeling and what's going on inside of you. 28:09.216 --> 28:18.422 [SPEAKER_01]: It also gives you a lot of conversational prompts for having deeper conversations with your children about feelings, whether they're younger, old, and every agent stage. 28:18.462 --> 28:27.288 [SPEAKER_01]: It kind of gives you different prompts and just helps you generally overall to know how to begin navigating this conversation in a healthy way. 28:27.428 --> 28:35.433 [SPEAKER_01]: It's like a spin wheel game that you'll get in the mail that has all the different emotions on it and a little spin wheel that you can then have on hand to show 28:38.715 --> 28:45.276 [SPEAKER_01]: and you can find all of that information at DeborahFelida.com slash any day emotions. 28:45.696 --> 28:48.717 [SPEAKER_01]: And my last name is spelled F-I-L-E-T-A. 28:48.817 --> 28:54.578 [SPEAKER_01]: So it's D-E-B-R-A, F-I-L-E-T-A.com slash any day emotions. 28:54.638 --> 28:58.538 [SPEAKER_01]: The parents guide is there and all of the information to get the bonuses. 28:58.778 --> 29:01.579 [SPEAKER_00]: Yeah, and I'll put that all in general so that people can find it easily. 29:01.599 --> 29:04.179 [SPEAKER_00]: Because I think this is just a really helpful resource and it's really needed. 29:08.600 --> 29:09.901 [SPEAKER_01]: Yeah, it's my pleasure. 29:09.962 --> 29:18.030 [SPEAKER_01]: I'm looking forward to getting this into your homes and hopefully, with all the different things in nature linked to different emotions kids can really. 29:18.391 --> 29:27.360 [SPEAKER_01]: Just begin to absorb and remember what to do with their emotions, how to handle them, what they feel like, and learn to manage them in healthy ways. 29:27.640 --> 29:28.361 [SPEAKER_00]: Thank you so much. 29:28.401 --> 29:29.062 [SPEAKER_00]: I appreciate it. 29:30.745 --> 29:34.788 [SPEAKER_00]: Thank you so much for joining us for today's episode of the Christian parenting podcast. 29:34.848 --> 29:41.232 [SPEAKER_00]: I hope that you are encouraged and equipped with tools to walk alongside your kids as they grow in both faith and emotional health. 29:41.792 --> 29:45.955 [SPEAKER_00]: Be sure to check out shown notes for links to Deborah's new book and all the resources that we mentioned. 29:46.035 --> 29:46.916 [SPEAKER_00]: They're very helpful. 29:47.556 --> 29:48.737 [SPEAKER_00]: Thank you again for being here. 29:48.817 --> 29:50.098 [SPEAKER_00]: Make out the lesson this week. 29:50.278 --> 29:55.161 [SPEAKER_00]: May you experience God's peace and comfort as you lead your family and work on emotional health.