[SPEAKER_00]: opportunities, ask yourself, how often we forget that opportunities don't last forever.
[SPEAKER_00]: Do you see, message attendance, if you ask yourself, I want to come to the message.
[SPEAKER_00]: Is this a responsibility or is it a privilege?
[SPEAKER_00]: Do you feel like coming to the message is something that is a burden or is a beautiful joy that you have the opportunity
[SPEAKER_00]: To be the guest of Allah Subhanahu ta'ala as the Prophet ﷺ says,
[SPEAKER_00]: He is the guest of Allah Tata, and it is a duty upon the hosts to honor the guests.
[SPEAKER_00]: It's a panelan.
[SPEAKER_00]: It's an honor.
[SPEAKER_00]: It's a privilege.
[SPEAKER_00]: And it's an opportunity that every single day you have one day less to visit the message.
[SPEAKER_00]: So if you never make it to the message, it may be perhaps that you're saying to yourself, well, I'm too busy.
[SPEAKER_00]: I'm too busy for God.
[SPEAKER_00]: I would be left.
[SPEAKER_00]: But maybe that's not the case.
[SPEAKER_00]: Maybe you're just not welcome.
[SPEAKER_00]: This is a consideration we have to think about.
[SPEAKER_00]: What good is all of the success and all of the wealth and all of the work and all of the status if you can't make time to get closer to your Lord before you die?
[SPEAKER_00]: What good is it?
[SPEAKER_00]: And inside the message, not just coming to the message, but then when you actually reach inside the message, there are other opportunities that present themselves.
[SPEAKER_00]: And those opportunities, again, they do not last forever.
[SPEAKER_00]: We had certain sports that they came
[SPEAKER_00]: We tried to advertise and then since participation was low, it ended.
[SPEAKER_00]: And what I find fascinating is when young men come up to me and say, oh, it's so sad.
[SPEAKER_00]: It ended really.
[SPEAKER_00]: When is it going to be back?
[SPEAKER_00]: And I feel like the question reveals so much.
[SPEAKER_00]: I think that our youth are a little bit too used to
[SPEAKER_00]: Growing up in a very privileged, well-to-do home where they could get as many toys as they like, they could neglect those toys, they could break those toys, they could lose those toys, and the moment they're gone, what happens?
[SPEAKER_00]: They could go, mom, dad, when do I get the next one?
[SPEAKER_00]: When's the next one?
[SPEAKER_00]: Instead of realizing that hey, men, opportunities don't last forever.
[SPEAKER_00]: It's dangerous to develop this mentality that I can just waste opportunities over and over again, day after day, not go to the message, not learn like Dean, neglect the fore end, not pray my prayers.
[SPEAKER_00]: Whatever opportunities are available to you to get closer to your Lord and just keep saying, that's okay, I'll have another one tomorrow.
[SPEAKER_00]: That doesn't last forever.
[SPEAKER_00]: That could be true of sports.
[SPEAKER_00]: It could be true of our Arabic classes.
[SPEAKER_00]: Alhamdulillah, it could be true of our Tafseer classes.
[SPEAKER_00]: We have to
[SPEAKER_00]: move beyond this TikTok version of Islam where everything has to be in ten seconds or less.
[SPEAKER_00]: It all has to give you an emotional high either making you laugh or making you cry.
[SPEAKER_00]: No, this is not the way Islam is supposed to be learned and taught and practiced.
[SPEAKER_00]: It's supposed to be a long term dedication and I emphasize the word dedication.
[SPEAKER_00]: In the sense that, oh, I had plans, but I guess I have to cancel them because I'm actually dedicated to learning.
[SPEAKER_00]: I'm dedicated to improving.
[SPEAKER_00]: Now, when it comes to opportunities, well, let's add to Adam, it seems that we're living in times where one of the most neglected opportunities is marriage.
[SPEAKER_00]: And this is what I really want to focus on.
[SPEAKER_00]: How many young people are neglecting their opportunity to finally settle down?
[SPEAKER_00]: And instead, they'd rather just sort of remain adolescents children forever, flirting here,
[SPEAKER_00]: And you know, playing around there, but never really settling and getting serious.
[SPEAKER_00]: Meanwhile, we know them when the Prophet ﷺ was with the group, a group of youth from amongst the believers.
[SPEAKER_00]: He said to them, yeah, Masha'a shabab, Masha'a shabab, Masha'a shabab, Masha'a shabab, Masha'a shabab, Masha'a shabab, Masha'a shabab, Masha'a shabab, Masha'a shabab, Masha'a shabab, Masha'a shabab, Masha'a shabab, Masha'a shabab, Masha'a shabab, Masha'a shabab, Masha'a shabab, Masha'a shabab, Masha'a shabab, Masha'a shabab, Masha'a shabab, Masha'a shabab, Masha'a shabab, Masha
[SPEAKER_00]: Stop delaying and neglecting, actually take this matter seriously.
[SPEAKER_00]: And I want to be clear, I'm not saying you should rush into marriage, because that comes with its own problems.
[SPEAKER_00]: I'm talking about taking marriage propositions seriously from an early age.
[SPEAKER_00]: It may be the case that this one didn't, wasn't a good choice, this one wasn't a good fit.
[SPEAKER_00]: But that's the beauty of starting early.
[SPEAKER_00]: You get to check each possibility, each opportunity, and you have the ability to either accept or reject, because you started from an early age.
[SPEAKER_00]: We have a large number of young men who are educated, and who are making money, and who could theoretically get married, and their answer is always, yeah, I'm sorta kinda looking, you know?
[SPEAKER_00]: I am, and you're like, how are you looking?
[SPEAKER_00]: You know, there's so many different avenues.
[SPEAKER_00]: There's so many different ways that you could search.
[SPEAKER_00]: Which ones are you using?
[SPEAKER_00]: What avenues are you actually taking advantage of?
[SPEAKER_00]: Well, you know, the answer is not.
[SPEAKER_00]: I'm just enjoying my freedom right now, you know, I don't want something serious or they say after flirting for years with this one, the back girl, this girl, that girl long periods of time wasting these poor girls' time and then saying, I'm just not ready for commitment at the moment, it's a panelan, twenties, thirties, sometimes late thirties, the guys like it's not sure yet, I've had these conversations just unbelievable.
[SPEAKER_00]: And it's not just the brothers, we see on both sides, the sisters are in a similar
[SPEAKER_00]: situation.
[SPEAKER_00]: The only difference is that Islam places the burden of finances on the men.
[SPEAKER_00]: So the situation becomes even more strange with the sisters because you're not expected to provide the home and the cars and so on and so on.
[SPEAKER_00]: And yet still you find this idea of I value my freedom.
[SPEAKER_00]: So I have a question.
[SPEAKER_00]: When nobody wakes up, when nobody wakes you up in the morning, and when nobody waits for you at night, and when you could do whatever you want, what do you call it?
[SPEAKER_00]: Do you call it freedom or do you call it loneliness?
[SPEAKER_00]: What do you call it?
[SPEAKER_00]: And another question is, what is the result?
[SPEAKER_00]: What is the result of this constant delaying of marriage?
[SPEAKER_00]: Well, the result
[SPEAKER_00]: of searching for somebody early.
[SPEAKER_00]: Let's look at both sides of the equation.
[SPEAKER_00]: You can either search early, which is what the Prophet is encouraging, or you can keep delaying and wait to the last minute.
[SPEAKER_00]: So what is the result of searching early?
[SPEAKER_00]: When you search early, you have the opportunity to see many different options and finally choose what is the best option.
[SPEAKER_00]: And then, Mashallah, we see that when our sisters get married to the best option possible, they become very happy couples.
[SPEAKER_00]: And then you see that the sister fully loves and respects her husband.
[SPEAKER_00]: And when she's around him, she acts all bubbly and playful like she's back in high school.
[SPEAKER_00]: It's a beautiful thing to see, young love.
[SPEAKER_00]: And when she wants to make plans with her friends, with a big smile, she says, what?
[SPEAKER_00]: Wait, I got to check with my husband.
[SPEAKER_00]: I got to check with my husband.
[SPEAKER_00]: It's very beautiful to see that she's so willing.
[SPEAKER_00]: And so happy to take his lead to what she clearly looks up to him.
[SPEAKER_00]: And this is natural.
[SPEAKER_00]: You can even observe it in small children, so how to love.
[SPEAKER_00]: Even I remember observing little kids, sometimes even they're so small, but they still have these attractions towards one another.
[SPEAKER_00]: They don't fully understand it yet, but they have these feelings towards the opposite gender.
[SPEAKER_00]: And you can see that despite the fact that nobody has taught them
[SPEAKER_00]: about gender dynamics.
[SPEAKER_00]: Nobody taught them about this is the way you flirt or something like this.
[SPEAKER_00]: You find that young boys naturally try to make themselves bigger.
[SPEAKER_00]: Try to be faster.
[SPEAKER_00]: Try to be stronger.
[SPEAKER_00]: I'm going to climb the tree.
[SPEAKER_00]: I'm going to show her that I can do a lot more stuff.
[SPEAKER_00]: Meanwhile, on the flip side, you see that the girls become more dainty, more soft.
[SPEAKER_00]: They make themselves small.
[SPEAKER_00]: They soften their voice.
[SPEAKER_00]: Nobody taught them how to do this.
[SPEAKER_00]: Nobody told, okay, young boy, this is what you do.
[SPEAKER_00]: Young girl, this is what you do.
[SPEAKER_00]: So, Hanla, it's amazing that nature that is built in to the human being.
[SPEAKER_00]: What is she doing?
[SPEAKER_00]: She's signaling that she wants to submit to him.
[SPEAKER_00]: She's letting him know that this is what she wants.
[SPEAKER_00]: And again, this is not taught behavior.
[SPEAKER_00]: It's just natural.
[SPEAKER_00]: Many times I've seen even to such an extent, it's amazing where you see that the couple they're so in love that's Hanallah, this young lady she wants to follow him and everything.
[SPEAKER_00]: They go out for dinner.
[SPEAKER_00]: Somebody makes a joke.
[SPEAKER_00]: If the husband starts laughing, she's going to laugh too.
[SPEAKER_00]: If he doesn't laugh, she doesn't laugh either.
[SPEAKER_00]: And I sit there, I think, some Hanala.
[SPEAKER_00]: Nobody said, they didn't have a pre-dinner plan, like, all right, listen.
[SPEAKER_00]: This is the game plan.
[SPEAKER_00]: If I laugh, then you can laugh.
[SPEAKER_00]: And if I don't, then you don't.
[SPEAKER_00]: No, it's not like that.
[SPEAKER_00]: It's just natural.
[SPEAKER_00]: It happens so automatically, so naturally.
[SPEAKER_00]: Why?
[SPEAKER_00]: Because she's just without even thinking, wanting to follow him in everything.
[SPEAKER_00]: This is the nature.
[SPEAKER_00]: And yet on the flip side, what happens when you delay?
[SPEAKER_00]: What happens when you delay?
[SPEAKER_00]: It forces our sisters to make a last minute rushed decision.
[SPEAKER_00]: of a phenomenon known amongst the sisters as settling.
[SPEAKER_00]: I'm sure you've heard the term before.
[SPEAKER_00]: Settling.
[SPEAKER_00]: As in settling for a guy that wasn't their first choice, somebody that they didn't really like, but they just chose to take to marry him anyway.
[SPEAKER_00]: Maybe their sister is cousins, et cetera, friends.
[SPEAKER_00]: We're getting married and having kids.
[SPEAKER_00]: They just said, OK, I got a set.
[SPEAKER_00]: Yeah, wait, let's go now.
[SPEAKER_00]: Oh, whoa, to us.
[SPEAKER_00]: Slow to us if we deal with such a situation.
[SPEAKER_00]: Why?
[SPEAKER_00]: Because it's observable.
[SPEAKER_00]: It's obvious.
[SPEAKER_00]: When the man walks in, her mood darkens.
[SPEAKER_00]: Whenever he speaks, she rolls her eyes.
[SPEAKER_00]: Whenever she hears the word of something about Islam, talking about following the man, or even the word housewife, you could tell that there's a stomach turning going on.
[SPEAKER_00]: No, no, no, I don't like these things.
[SPEAKER_00]: And if ever, she'll oppose them on any small thing.
[SPEAKER_00]: The guy could look outside and say, oh, it's raining.
[SPEAKER_00]: She'll say, it's drizzling.
[SPEAKER_00]: You know, just for no reason, just letting him know.
[SPEAKER_00]: No.
[SPEAKER_00]: just to oppose them.
[SPEAKER_00]: And it's a very sad situation, but it's actually quite common.
[SPEAKER_00]: Why?
[SPEAKER_00]: Because we're living in a society that encourages delay, delay, delay, delay, and then a choice at the last minute.
[SPEAKER_00]: What is the effect of this?
[SPEAKER_00]: What is the domino effect of picking your second option?
[SPEAKER_00]: Well, it's unfortunate to watch young men starting to come up with theories.
[SPEAKER_00]: They start to hypothesize.
[SPEAKER_00]: They start to try to justify why they're living in this type of a relationship.
[SPEAKER_00]: So they look at human history, and they say, no, all of human history was wrong about gender.
[SPEAKER_00]: And then they look at every civilization, every culture, and they say, all that stuff is outdated times of change, men are no longer in charge, men and women are equal in the relationship.
[SPEAKER_00]: That's what it is, brother, and they start to justify this to themselves.
[SPEAKER_00]: And then you tell them, what about religion?
[SPEAKER_00]: All the religions are wrong.
[SPEAKER_00]: No, it's incorrect.
[SPEAKER_00]: Every religion, every time apparently God sent a revelation, it was incorrect.
[SPEAKER_00]: And then, what about a couple of therapists?
[SPEAKER_00]: What about psychology?
[SPEAKER_00]: No, they're all wrong too.
[SPEAKER_00]: Okay, what about Kenamullah?
[SPEAKER_00]: God's word itself.
[SPEAKER_00]: No, no, no, we have to reinterpret it for modern times, brother.
[SPEAKER_00]: It's Hanla.
[SPEAKER_00]: You have to be a little bit rough, a little bit harsh, but loving.
[SPEAKER_00]: Put your hand on the guy's shoulder, the skin, the sport, the chata, and let him know, look.
[SPEAKER_00]: You want to pretend that all of human relationships have changed, that human nature has changed, that even God's eternal guidance has changed, and all of it must be broken down and reconstructed from the ground up just because you can't accept the blatant fact you weren't her first choice.
[SPEAKER_00]: It's just that simple.
[SPEAKER_00]: Her biological clock was ticking, shows social settled for you, end of story.
[SPEAKER_00]: And now, the rest of it, all this reinterpretation of history, all this read, understanding of how the world works, it's called coping.
[SPEAKER_00]: You were simply the last item on the shelf.
[SPEAKER_00]: Sorry, girl.
[SPEAKER_00]: It's very painful to let somebody know and to watch such a phenomenon.
[SPEAKER_00]: But brothers, sisters, all of this can be avoided.
[SPEAKER_00]: If you just take marriage a little more seriously and stop delaying and figure out who is the right fit for you.
[SPEAKER_00]: Just because you never got the girl that values you doesn't mean that you have to poison everybody else's thinking to feel better about yourself.
[SPEAKER_00]: All this pain can be avoided if we stop this coping and we just start earlier.
[SPEAKER_00]: There's a great quote that says, the most dangerous person to be with is someone who doesn't want to love you, but doesn't want to lose you either.
[SPEAKER_00]: It's a pile of love.
[SPEAKER_00]: It's a very true.
[SPEAKER_00]: It's a very painful reality.
[SPEAKER_00]: It's a very painful feeling to find out that you have value for somebody that they don't have the same value for you.
[SPEAKER_00]: But sometimes you have to acknowledge it.
[SPEAKER_00]: And so in shall it's out, it will conclude with some remarks.
[SPEAKER_00]: So let's take a look at this from a poetic perspective.
[SPEAKER_00]: Many people here, I'm sure, have learned, have memorized Sura's, sixty-five and sixty-six.
[SPEAKER_00]: Sura-six-five is Sura-Appalak.
[SPEAKER_00]: Sixty-six is Sura-Attahrin.
[SPEAKER_00]: These two Suras are right next to each other.
[SPEAKER_00]: And they have certain commonalities.
[SPEAKER_00]: Let's take a look at the first ayah of both of them, because truly it is remarkable to appreciate the wisdom, just in the paralleling of these two ayat.
[SPEAKER_00]: Allah says, when you must divorce, then divorce them,
[SPEAKER_00]: for their waiting period and keep count of the waiting period and fear Allah your Lord.
[SPEAKER_00]: This Surah goes on to describe how you have to have Tukwah of Allah, how you have to do Mount Oof, how you have to be good towards them and so on and so forth.
[SPEAKER_00]: Now let's take a look at Surah Tahirim.
[SPEAKER_00]: Allah Tehra says, when you take these two soras together and take a look at the lesson between both.
[SPEAKER_00]: It's truly remarkable.
[SPEAKER_00]: Yes, it's very obvious that they both begin with or prophet.
[SPEAKER_00]: And yes, both are obviously talking about marriage issues.
[SPEAKER_00]: However, something you may not notice is how a less of Hanoldata is actually talking about two opposing opposite circumstances.
[SPEAKER_00]: When things are at their worst and when things are at their best, what do I mean?
[SPEAKER_00]: Well, sort of the thought out is about a time where the process system was so frustrated with his wives, that he took a break from them, from being around them, and some people even believe that maybe he divorced them, but no, that wasn't the case.
[SPEAKER_00]: He just needed some time alone.
[SPEAKER_00]: So clearly, this is at an emotional low, very frustrated, very upset with the circumstance.
[SPEAKER_00]: Can we all really, of course, there are moments where you're going to be frustrated in a marriage?
[SPEAKER_00]: Now, sort of, sort of the terrain.
[SPEAKER_00]: begins with the story of when the Prophet said him was getting a gift of honey from one of his wives and then two of them to other wives they said you know what let's create a little story let's say that the honey is giving him a smell so we say oh we don't like this smell and because things are going so good and because we're so in love and because he's so nice and always wants to make us happy he'll say you know what I'm never going to have that stuff ever again no problem just to make you happy so one is at an emotional low
[SPEAKER_00]: And a list of how that is saying, when you are in the worst of circumstances in marriage, still make sure you are moderating yourself.
[SPEAKER_00]: Don't become a monster.
[SPEAKER_00]: Don't start violating some of these rights.
[SPEAKER_00]: Don't violate her rights.
[SPEAKER_00]: Make sure you be a good person.
[SPEAKER_00]: Even if you're at your worst.
[SPEAKER_00]: On the flip side, even if you're at your best, don't allow her to take your rights.
[SPEAKER_00]: even if you're at your best and you're so happy and you feel like this is the greatest relationship.
[SPEAKER_00]: She might start saying, I don't like when you do this.
[SPEAKER_00]: And I don't like when you do that.
[SPEAKER_00]: And you might start compromising your own rights.
[SPEAKER_00]: And unless part of that is saying, well, well, slow down.
[SPEAKER_00]: You might be in a great relationship, but you're allowed to have honey.
[SPEAKER_00]: And you can imagine, obviously, if the process doesn't actually officially stop eating it, honey, then this would be inside of our fifth books.
[SPEAKER_00]: And from then on forward, every Muslim scholar would have a chapter on why we don't eat honey anymore.
[SPEAKER_00]: And some honey will be a big problem, because obviously, honey is very good for you.
[SPEAKER_00]: It's sort of a sort of, nah, talks about how it's as she fat.
[SPEAKER_00]: It's beneficial, et cetera.
[SPEAKER_00]: So this would be a big problem.
[SPEAKER_00]: So it's really quite fascinating to notice.
[SPEAKER_00]: That yes.
[SPEAKER_00]: So what the telak is about marriage when it's at its worst, when the marriage is falling apart, and you're at an emotional low, that most of the time, some men might violate a wife's rights.
[SPEAKER_00]: Even the most righteous person can fall into this because he's so emotionally charged, he might be susceptible to making this mistake.
[SPEAKER_00]: Even the problem is being told, watch out.
[SPEAKER_00]: Moderate yourself.
[SPEAKER_00]: You may be upset, but don't cross her boundaries.
[SPEAKER_00]: She has rights.
[SPEAKER_00]: Good.
[SPEAKER_00]: And on the flip side, Suta Tahini is about the best of times.
[SPEAKER_00]: When you and your wife are madly in love, it can be the case that she makes demands that violates your rights, and you will just go along with it.
[SPEAKER_00]: Because you're just so happy to make her happy.
[SPEAKER_00]: Even the most righteous person can be susceptible to this.
[SPEAKER_00]: Even the Prophet ﷺ is being told, at that moment, moderate yourself.
[SPEAKER_00]: Lose, don't let it go too low.
[SPEAKER_00]: Highs, don't let them go too high, always be moderate.
[SPEAKER_00]: You may feel fine, but don't let her cross your boundaries.
[SPEAKER_00]: So how to love.
[SPEAKER_00]: I'm sure we've all seen examples of both extremes.
[SPEAKER_00]: I'm sure we've seen divorces where the guy becomes extremely petty, starts spreading rumors, gets a lawyer tries to take away her money and her rights and so forth.
[SPEAKER_00]: And on the other side, I'm sure we've all seen seemingly healthy relationships where the guy has no basic autonomy.
[SPEAKER_00]: The guy has no ability to even say, hey, my brother is in town.
[SPEAKER_00]: And I think I want to go have a coffee with my own brother.
[SPEAKER_00]: I haven't seen them in years.
[SPEAKER_00]: And she's like, what?
[SPEAKER_00]: You're going to leave me alone in the house?
[SPEAKER_00]: Don't you know that hurts my feelings?
[SPEAKER_00]: Don't you really love me?
[SPEAKER_00]: OK, OK, OK.
[SPEAKER_00]: Never mind.
[SPEAKER_00]: Calls up the brother.
[SPEAKER_00]: Listen, I know I haven't seen you in like ten years, but I can't even go get a coffee with you.
[SPEAKER_00]: It's awful.
[SPEAKER_00]: It's this madness.
[SPEAKER_00]: This is completely unacceptable.
[SPEAKER_00]: Therefore, in conclusion, it might seem paradoxical, but we have to recognize.
[SPEAKER_00]: that opportunities they don't abound forever.
[SPEAKER_00]: We have to jump on opportunities when they are available.
[SPEAKER_00]: We might feel like exercise makes you feel weak, but it's actually what makes you stronger.
[SPEAKER_00]: Learning something new might make you feel unintelligent when actually it's making you smarter.
[SPEAKER_00]: Facing your fears might make you feel terrified, but it's actually what's making you braver.
[SPEAKER_00]: And sometimes, in order for her to truly be happy, you have to say no.
[SPEAKER_00]: And so we have to moderate ourselves.
[SPEAKER_00]: And so we ask a lesson about how to make us of those.
[SPEAKER_00]: who focus on marriage early on.
[SPEAKER_00]: So we don't make a rushed decision that we can have fitting relationships where the both parties truly love one another.
[SPEAKER_00]: Ya Allah protect us from viling the rights of our spouses.
[SPEAKER_00]: Ya Allah protect us from our spouses violating our rights.
[SPEAKER_00]: Ya Allah allow our youth to search early so they can find a good, they can find a good and loving and fitting relationship and so that they can take their time and find someone who is best suited for them.
[SPEAKER_00]: Ya Allah keep us away from miserable relationships and immunobitidamine.