[SPEAKER_01]: Welcome back to Let's Not Sure Recorded.
[SPEAKER_01]: Season 3 is here and we're excited to dive into the core of communication relationships and leadership.
[SPEAKER_00]: We are hosts, Bella and Lee.
[SPEAKER_00]: A husband and wife duo with a successful business helping couples and organizations get it together to play a bigger game and elevate the relationships and performance.
[SPEAKER_01]: We believe in keeping it real, so each week we'll bring you incredible guests, entrepreneurs sharing their authentic experiences, along with episodes featuring just the two of us tackling the tough topics.
[SPEAKER_00]: So, if you're ready to enhance your connections and sharpen your leadership skills, you're in the right place, let's get started.
[SPEAKER_01]: Welcome back to another episode of Let's Not Shrevecoded.
[SPEAKER_01]: In an era where resourcefulness is celebrated, Anna Demerge stands out as a true embodiment of a modern Renaissance woman.
[SPEAKER_01]: With her impressive portfolio as a celebrity realtor, stager, lifestyle and jewelry designer, producer, actress and serial entrepreneur,
[SPEAKER_01]: Anna has not only made a mark, but has also redefined what it means to be successful across multiple industries.
[SPEAKER_01]: So we want to welcome Anna, you are a studio.
[SPEAKER_01]: We are so great to have you and we're so grateful to be here now in LA as our second podcast.
[SPEAKER_01]: of season three L.A.
[SPEAKER_01]: series and we are super grateful for connectivey and Kent for introducing us through some really amazing people in this town.
[SPEAKER_01]: So welcome.
[SPEAKER_04]: Thank you so much for having me.
[SPEAKER_04]: I feel incredibly blessed to be with the two of you and thank you Connectivey for making this happen and every time I say Connectivey I always say Connectivey got something there Kent got something there
[SPEAKER_04]: This is just a growing family and welcome to, you know, the connect family and I'm super excited to be here.
[SPEAKER_04]: We have had some wine.
[SPEAKER_04]: So I cannot be responsible at this point for what comes out of my mouth.
[SPEAKER_01]: So cheers to that.
[SPEAKER_04]: Cheers to, let's not sugar coat it.
[SPEAKER_01]: That's what I say.
[SPEAKER_04]: Let's just be real and truthful and authentic, because that's what we are as individual should be, I think.
[SPEAKER_00]: And it's all a part of what makes up the human experience.
[SPEAKER_00]: Yes, and the human connection is that authenticity, that transparency, that just not stripping down your armor and just being who you are.
[SPEAKER_00]: Yeah, I think so.
[SPEAKER_01]: And as you have social media,
[SPEAKER_01]: society species, that connection that we're losing so quickly, I agree, you know, we're so connected, but so disconnected from what is actually going on within ourselves and, you know, in the world.
[SPEAKER_00]: Yeah, I think we tend to mistake that instant response, whether it's through text messaging or any other messaging app or social media that
[SPEAKER_00]: we feel like that's supposed to be connection, but it's not.
[SPEAKER_00]: Right, it's a gratification, right?
[SPEAKER_00]: That's right, that's the difference.
[SPEAKER_00]: Yes, yes, yes.
[SPEAKER_04]: So I think if we recognize the fact that that's not really what it is that we need as human beings, then we can separate ourselves from that and really look for the connections that matter, right, with family and friends.
[SPEAKER_04]: And I think that if we actually relax in the fact that we can be,
[SPEAKER_04]: ourselves and life is so much easier and more pleasant, right?
[SPEAKER_01]: And we are when we step into our own power and our true authentic selves, we attract those that are meant to be in our life, not just for a season but for a lifetime.
[SPEAKER_04]: Absolutely, because relationships should be lifetime goals, those authentic relationships, right?
[SPEAKER_04]: That's what I strive for to make the connections, to develop the relationships that matter, to
[SPEAKER_04]: nurture these relationships to give to those relationships because that's what's going to feed us throughout our lifetimes emotionally, mentally, physically, and in many different ways that we need to make that happen for ourselves.
[SPEAKER_04]: I think it's super important to keep our minds in a positive light and mindset to give to those who matter in our lives.
[SPEAKER_00]: Relationship feel like is I think it's related to when you meet someone and you're getting to know them It's like you feel like you can just be you right right you don't feel like you have to Pretend press and press show up a certain way you're not fearful of looking bad or judgment Yeah, when you're able to be like messy
[SPEAKER_01]: You know, when you're able to be messy with one and they still show up for you and there's still there at the end of that Messiness, you know, when you pick yourself up and you're like, oh my gosh What was that right and there's no judgments like okay?
[SPEAKER_01]: We all go through our messy parts And I and having that support and having that somebody in your
[SPEAKER_01]: back pocket saying, you know what?
[SPEAKER_01]: I'm gonna be there when you're on the floor.
[SPEAKER_01]: I'm gonna be there when you're on that podium That's right.
[SPEAKER_01]: It threw it all because that's what creates those genuine and authentic relationships.
[SPEAKER_04]: I think that if we Delete the expectation of anyone else and just
[SPEAKER_04]: have it for ourselves to show up that way, then that also helps the relationships solidify itself.
[SPEAKER_04]: So you don't expect anything from someone else, just expect it from yourself.
[SPEAKER_04]: And I think that that's really what matters when you are meeting someone, right, to go in there and just be honest.
[SPEAKER_04]: Yeah.
[SPEAKER_04]: And sometimes that takes practice,
[SPEAKER_00]: So, you know, tell us a bit about that part of, you know, your journey, you know, with your successes, what you've accomplished, what are some things you've learned about that authenticity, both with yourself as well as with, you know, relationships because relationships are the foundation to accomplishment.
[SPEAKER_00]: So, being a very accomplished woman, you naturally would have experienced how that authenticity propels that connection, but I think a lot of the ways in order for us to be able to measure that success, we also experience how inauthenticity gets in the way of success and prevents us from being successful.
[SPEAKER_00]: So, tell us a bit about that.
[SPEAKER_04]: Sure, so I'm originally from New York, so maybe that's
[SPEAKER_04]: part of my problem out here now, because I do not sugarcoat anything.
[SPEAKER_04]: I am pretty much my authentic self most of the time, because I do not know how to be any other way, because I couldn't face myself any other way.
[SPEAKER_04]: I don't like to play games, I like to be as honest as possible, because I think when you show up honest,
[SPEAKER_04]: That's the only way to proceed forward in life because you can't back pedal from there.
[SPEAKER_04]: There's nowhere to go, so if you're not honest, then you have to do the back pedaling, right?
[SPEAKER_04]: So I think when you show up honest, which I believe a lot of New Yorkers do, because we're bread that way, I think that helps us in life move forward pretty quickly.
[SPEAKER_04]: So I just really,
[SPEAKER_04]: try every day to have an honest conversation with myself so that I can have it with others moving forward because you have to let people know who you are to help them understand you.
[SPEAKER_04]: And I think that that really salute, salute, blu-a.
[SPEAKER_04]: There goes the alcohol, the solidifies things in life, right?
[SPEAKER_04]: So I think that's super important.
[SPEAKER_04]: And I just try to practice every day to be mindful of who I am as a human being and who other people are in my life and relationship to that.
[SPEAKER_04]: Yeah.
[SPEAKER_01]: What I love is, you said that you,
[SPEAKER_01]: Start the day with an honest conversation with yourself because we were talking earlier and say you don't know where you are or where you're gonna go
[SPEAKER_01]: Unless you acknowledge where you are today, you know, all your shadow parts, all your light parts, everything that makes you you today.
[SPEAKER_01]: You know, so a lot of people just brush things under the rug.
[SPEAKER_01]: They don't want to face it.
[SPEAKER_01]: We, you know, what's the word I'm looking for?
[SPEAKER_01]: dream like we like put on a facade yeah put on a facade where we only want to highlight our good parts right but we don't want to face our ugly parts right because once we face all of ourselves we're able to work and move through those things and then show up our true authentic selves because our experiences is what shapes us sure so we can't ignore them we can't sweep them under the
[SPEAKER_01]: realize where the work lies, where do we need to look in the mirror and work on ourselves so then we can show up in a best way we can for ourselves and others.
[SPEAKER_00]: Right.
[SPEAKER_00]: Yeah, I love that perspective because
[SPEAKER_00]: When you talk about being honest with others, how can you possibly be honest with others if you're not honest with yourself?
[SPEAKER_00]: Absolutely.
[SPEAKER_00]: If you don't really true and to be honest with yourself, you need to know all the bits about yourself, the good and the bad.
[SPEAKER_00]: And when all we're doing is putting on a show, pretending how great we are,
[SPEAKER_00]: You're not being honest with yourself, because there's no human on the planet that is perfect.
[SPEAKER_04]: Right, we're all perfectly imperfect, I would say, right?
[SPEAKER_04]: So I think if you don't expect perfection, then we're not going to be disappointed the same way.
[SPEAKER_04]: So, I think if you eliminate the expectations of other people, then relationships will, I think, thrive more effectively and more lovingly if you remove the expectation and understand that we are all human, we all make mistakes, we're all perfectly imperfect, and we have to understand one another, another better, better, better the alcohol again.
[SPEAKER_04]: understand one another better and just work through those issues.
[SPEAKER_04]: I always believe that in friendships there can be differences in disagreements but if you truly care about one another you'll work through whatever that is with understanding love and forgiveness because that's what matters.
[SPEAKER_04]: We have to understand love for give each other if you really really really care about the relationship.
[SPEAKER_00]: Yeah, that's the difference between, are you committed to the relationship or are you committed to being right?
[SPEAKER_00]: Right.
[SPEAKER_00]: Because anytime there's some form of disagreement, you say disagreement does not mean disrespect.
[SPEAKER_06]: That's true.
[SPEAKER_00]: And so it's about how you work through it, conflict is going to happen.
[SPEAKER_00]: Yes.
[SPEAKER_00]: And so how do you work through that in such a way that's healthy?
[SPEAKER_00]: Right.
[SPEAKER_00]: So that when you come out the other side of it, it feels great.
[SPEAKER_00]: It feels good.
[SPEAKER_02]: Yeah.
[SPEAKER_00]: It feels like you've accomplished something.
[SPEAKER_06]: Right.
[SPEAKER_00]: That's what's so important.
[SPEAKER_06]: Right.
[SPEAKER_00]: Because otherwise, if you're just going into a debate or whatever you want to call it with a commitment to win, then really, especially in a relationship.
[SPEAKER_00]: you're causing the other person to lose.
[SPEAKER_00]: So if you win every time, that means your business partner, your spouse, your friend, they're constantly losing.
[SPEAKER_00]: And that's not a great relationship to be in.
[SPEAKER_04]: No, it's not.
[SPEAKER_04]: And I think as individuals, we are many things to many different people.
[SPEAKER_04]: So it's always great to come back to yourself and reset and prioritize yourself so that you can be
[SPEAKER_04]: effective and healthy and loving in those relationships that expect you to show up right as your best self because we want to be our best self.
[SPEAKER_04]: And look, we're here in Hollywood, right?
[SPEAKER_04]: Where everything is a facade, right?
[SPEAKER_04]: So what's the big Hollywood sign?
[SPEAKER_04]: But the the nails and the the wood behind it that are empty, right?
[SPEAKER_04]: We're not empty as human beings.
[SPEAKER_04]: God made us.
[SPEAKER_04]: We're all
[SPEAKER_04]: You know, built from the same cloth, well, we're all in God's image, so we have to love honor and respect each other.
[SPEAKER_04]: And I think if you come back to that, that makes it easier for us to move forward and flourish and evolve through life in a more positive way that helps us become who
[SPEAKER_04]: it is that we're meant to become right.
[SPEAKER_04]: So I think that unfortunately in LA, we learn a lot of great lessons.
[SPEAKER_04]: I know I have.
[SPEAKER_04]: I've experienced
[SPEAKER_04]: some really, really difficult, difficult lessons here in LA that I never learned in New York, which is surprising to me.
[SPEAKER_04]: But I've grown from it, and I've taken a lot away from it that I now have knowledge of, and I hope never to repeat those same mistakes.
[SPEAKER_04]: And I look at things very differently to protect my heart.
[SPEAKER_00]: I mean, the important thing, the important thing about any type of mistake is you got to make the learning bigger than the mistake.
[SPEAKER_00]: Right?
[SPEAKER_00]: That's the big takeaway.
[SPEAKER_00]: Right?
[SPEAKER_00]: What are some of those loneliness?
[SPEAKER_04]: Yeah, let's not sugarcoat listen.
[SPEAKER_04]: In LA, there's a lot of salesmen out here.
[SPEAKER_04]: And I've learned a lot of really difficult lessons with people that I've been very close to who have portrayed themselves in a certain way that I never experienced before back home.
[SPEAKER_04]: And I've opened up myself to them where I've been fully taken advantage of and, financially, emotionally, mentally that have
[SPEAKER_04]: affected me in a negative way, which was very painful to me, and I've grown from that, but it's very surprising to me.
[SPEAKER_04]: People that you never would have expected things from, especially in Hollywood.
[SPEAKER_04]: You know, you see certain people out there, and they...
[SPEAKER_04]: act as though they're wonderful people and you find out when you have personal relationships with them that they're not so wonderful anymore.
[SPEAKER_04]: And it's surprising to me what goes on behind the scenes of their Hollywood image.
[SPEAKER_01]: So do you think it's like a city base because of, you know, the Hollywood, the
[SPEAKER_04]: movie like all that stuff that it just amplifies the taking advantage of and yeah I think this city tends to breed a lot of desperateness just because it prays on people's minds and egos and um self-worth
[SPEAKER_04]: right and their credibility.
[SPEAKER_04]: So I think that that's a very dangerous thing to experience.
[SPEAKER_04]: But when you come from a town like where I came from New York, you don't tend to base yourself worth on somebody casting you in something to tell you that you are a value.
[SPEAKER_04]: then you come out here in a very different mindset and energy.
[SPEAKER_04]: That is very, can be very harmful to you.
[SPEAKER_00]: Yeah, so you're talking about, like what it means that there's a way that you were some experience you had living in New York that gave you some growing up there, right?
[SPEAKER_00]: Yeah, some skill set, some mindset.
[SPEAKER_00]: That obviously, when you came to LA, even though there were some learnings that you went through, I mean, obviously, like a lot of people who come to LA, it doesn't swallow up everybody.
[SPEAKER_00]: There are people who become very successful when they move here, right?
[SPEAKER_00]: So, you know, what do you think was some of that mindset that you had as, you know, being from New York and coming out here that has helped you continue to be successful out in LA, even though you've gone through some struggles here.
[SPEAKER_04]: Right, so my dad was from the Bronx and my mother was from Westchester County.
[SPEAKER_00]: Yeah, we did everybody up here.
[SPEAKER_04]: You know, I've watched people beat other people up, right?
[SPEAKER_04]: So it's like, Anna, do you have a problem out there?
[SPEAKER_04]: Yeah, uh, we can do this on one one one.
[SPEAKER_04]: Yeah, no, no, no, no, no, I don't want to handle it that way.
[SPEAKER_04]: Um, only kidding, sort of.
[SPEAKER_04]: But, um, I- First of all, listen, when you go to school with some of the daughters of the biggest mafia crime bosses in New York, you see a lot of things.
[SPEAKER_04]: And I may write movies about them one day, right?
[SPEAKER_04]: But from the daughter's perspective, not necessarily from the father's perspective, right?
[SPEAKER_04]: But that being said, you do grow up with a mental toughness that you're not surprised by certain things, right?
[SPEAKER_04]: Because you know that things occur in life, that are real, that you may not think are real, and I've seen a lot.
[SPEAKER_04]: So when I came out here, I...
[SPEAKER_04]: was prepared for certain things, but yet there were other things that took me by surprise because actors are just what they are actors.
[SPEAKER_04]: And when you've dated actors, sometimes they're lying to you.
[SPEAKER_04]: Sometimes they're acting and you can take those words and you think they're
[SPEAKER_04]: playing a part, right, in the relationship, and those are things that I've experienced that we're very surprising to me because I would never have expected that.
[SPEAKER_04]: But now having been through dating actors, I understand that maybe they're always reading a script.
[SPEAKER_04]: I don't know.
[SPEAKER_04]: And I'm an actor myself, but
[SPEAKER_04]: I haven't grown up in the industry the way maybe they have.
[SPEAKER_04]: Right.
[SPEAKER_01]: So, you have a son?
[SPEAKER_04]: Yes.
[SPEAKER_01]: So, how do you feel raising him in this type of environment and this type of, you know, culture?
[SPEAKER_01]: Yes.
[SPEAKER_01]: Because you were raised in New York and now he's being raised in LA.
[SPEAKER_01]: Do you see a difference in how he's being shaped and molded?
[SPEAKER_04]: Yes, I do.
[SPEAKER_04]: So when I came out here at 13 years old, I knew that I was going to live in L.A.
[SPEAKER_04]: And of course, I loved the business, the industry.
[SPEAKER_04]: I wanted to act at a very young age.
[SPEAKER_04]: But I also loved the weather and the lifestyle out here.
[SPEAKER_04]: And I knew I had wanted to come out here.
[SPEAKER_04]: And I knew that when I had children, I would raise them out here.
[SPEAKER_04]: But now, actually, having a son who is in grammar school out here, I see how difficult it is
[SPEAKER_04]: In the school, there's a lot of children who are the children of famous personalities, actors, people of notoriety.
[SPEAKER_04]: So maybe they have certain areas about them.
[SPEAKER_04]: And they're not as friendly, maybe, as children in New York are.
[SPEAKER_04]: So my son has had a tough time at making friends.
[SPEAKER_04]: And there was some bullying going on, which is very, very upsetting to me and painful,
[SPEAKER_04]: If he's home and he's crying, that it's very difficult to make friends, he thinks there's something wrong with him, and I have to help him understand that it has nothing to do with him.
[SPEAKER_04]: It has everything to do with who is rejecting you, maybe they have their own issues that they're going through, so he has to understand that it's not him.
[SPEAKER_04]: and he can't take it personally.
[SPEAKER_04]: But look, I've been walking my sense of school from most five years.
[SPEAKER_04]: Rarely have I had somebody say hello to me back.
[SPEAKER_04]: And we see the same people going back and forth every day.
[SPEAKER_04]: And I just wonder, why is it like this out here, right?
[SPEAKER_04]: Now, I'm not saying everyone is like that because I've
[SPEAKER_04]: develop some amazing friendships out here, which I'm extremely grateful for, and these people have become my family out here, truly.
[SPEAKER_04]: But raising my son out here, that's a whole other stuff to deal with, whole mother, bag of chips to deal with.
[SPEAKER_04]: Yeah.
[SPEAKER_00]: Yeah.
[SPEAKER_00]: It's like, it's almost like you're describing is everyone's trying to be somebody.
[SPEAKER_00]: Yeah.
[SPEAKER_00]: The reality is is like, you're, you're, you're somebody.
[SPEAKER_00]: Right.
[SPEAKER_00]: Just just the very presence.
[SPEAKER_00]: Right.
[SPEAKER_00]: Physical.
[SPEAKER_00]: Have you been seeing on this?
[SPEAKER_00]: Right.
[SPEAKER_00]: Yeah.
[SPEAKER_00]: Resistance.
[SPEAKER_00]: Yeah.
[SPEAKER_00]: You're somebody.
[SPEAKER_00]: Yeah.
[SPEAKER_00]: But there's more of a sense of, you're trying to
[SPEAKER_00]: I was going to say a parent with your kids because with our daughters, they've been bullied too.
[SPEAKER_00]: Right.
[SPEAKER_00]: And I always just try to tell them the same thing.
[SPEAKER_00]: It's nothing to do with you.
[SPEAKER_00]: That person doing the bullying, they don't feel whole, right?
[SPEAKER_00]: They don't feel like they're loved or enough for some version of that to make themselves feel better as to bully.
[SPEAKER_01]: But if they hurt you, we know somebody else.
[SPEAKER_04]: I've got a guy, I've got a guy, right?
[SPEAKER_04]: So the other thing is social media, right?
[SPEAKER_04]: So if you don't have a social media presence, even as children who are aware of it, that becomes an issue because my son will look me up.
[SPEAKER_04]: I mean, my son Googles me.
[SPEAKER_04]: I'm horrified, I'm like, wait, give me that.
[SPEAKER_05]: What are they saying?
[SPEAKER_04]: Yeah, what are they saying, right?
[SPEAKER_04]: And I'll say, oh, Mommy, I wish you had a million followers.
[SPEAKER_04]: Why?
[SPEAKER_04]: You know, what is the importance of that really?
[SPEAKER_04]: So I don't know how society has put this importance on social media for these little kids to worry about how many followers.
[SPEAKER_04]: I just want my son to be happy, healthy.
[SPEAKER_04]: and a kind person get the best education he can possibly get and put all that other stuff to the side.
[SPEAKER_04]: I just want him to really really enjoy being a child while he can, right?
[SPEAKER_01]: I feel like you know a lot of successful leaders.
[SPEAKER_01]: are in the background.
[SPEAKER_01]: They're not the ones that are really in followers and so and so forth.
[SPEAKER_01]: Those who really have that influence, right, influence from behind the scenes, they don't, they're not necessarily out there.
[SPEAKER_01]: And I think there's a lot of shift going on right now.
[SPEAKER_01]: It's not so much because with AI and all that stuff, you know, with the bots, how many of these followers are actually true followers and how many
[SPEAKER_01]: Because the micro-influencers, the people that are behind the scenes are moving and shaking more than some of the big.
[SPEAKER_01]: Wigs, I don't know, I'm trying to watch my words, you know, my palm is dead.
[SPEAKER_01]: I start coming out and I might say some gibberish here and there and, you know, now you have to watch what you say, how you say, what are you gonna say, how you politically correct.
[SPEAKER_01]: But what's it like here, I feel like, do you find that, you know, communicating and being authentic?
[SPEAKER_01]: My son is calling, I thought I shut it off, he knows that it's okay.
[SPEAKER_01]: Yeah.
[SPEAKER_01]: We can just go in, yeah, say hello, I swore and shut it off, I'm not about you right now.
[SPEAKER_04]: Thank God it wasn't one of the celebrities calling that I was talking about because they heard we know you're talking about you.
[SPEAKER_00]: But yeah, I think that's a huge, um, great point.
[SPEAKER_04]: What?
[SPEAKER_04]: Yeah.
[SPEAKER_04]: Thanks.
[SPEAKER_04]: Yeah, it's, it's,
[SPEAKER_04]: Look, we have to protect our children to a certain degree, but we have to find the fine line within what does that mean?
[SPEAKER_04]: Right, because we don't want to isolate them from the real world, right?
[SPEAKER_04]: But at what point should we expose them to certain things?
[SPEAKER_04]: So I think that's a learning curve for us as parents in itself with the new technology.
[SPEAKER_00]: So how do you try to balance that?
[SPEAKER_04]: it's very hard.
[SPEAKER_04]: I'm not perfect at it, right?
[SPEAKER_04]: There's a lot of mistakes because he's my one and only.
[SPEAKER_04]: So he's my training ground and I don't have any more after that.
[SPEAKER_04]: So I'm just trying to be the best mother that I could be in the moment every day that I wake up to know that he's loved, to know that he's wanted, to know that he's valued, and that the outside world is just the outside world.
[SPEAKER_04]: It doesn't
[SPEAKER_04]: dictate who he is as a human being and anybody's opinion doesn't matter.
[SPEAKER_04]: Yeah, so I think if I
[SPEAKER_04]: do positive affirmations with him every morning in the mirror.
[SPEAKER_04]: That's one tool I'm teaching him, right?
[SPEAKER_04]: And even at his age it's uncomfortable for him to look in the mirror and say, I love you, Andrew.
[SPEAKER_04]: But I'm teaching him that gratitude matters because it's the highest vibration with love, right?
[SPEAKER_04]: Gratitude and love to teach himself worth that outside of himself.
[SPEAKER_04]: Anybody's opinion doesn't matter because it starts with him, right?
[SPEAKER_04]: and he's loved and he's cared for and he's taking care of and he's wanted by the people that brought him into the world and I think that's the most valuable piece of advice or message I can give him that every day he's wanted no matter how hard it is for him because he hates math so he thinks the end of the world is coming because every day he has math and I just try to tell him
[SPEAKER_04]: try your best.
[SPEAKER_04]: I'm not judging you, just try your best.
[SPEAKER_04]: That's all I want for you because that's all that you can do.
[SPEAKER_04]: I can ask for, right?
[SPEAKER_04]: And I want him to have fun and be joyful and happy and healthy and that mind body and soul has to connect to a line so that he can become inscrater self.
[SPEAKER_01]: I love that, like with the gratitude we started when
[SPEAKER_01]: we started practicing gratitude and truly feeling what it feels like to be grateful.
[SPEAKER_01]: You know, you can say the words and you can go through actions.
[SPEAKER_01]: But when you've that first moment when you truly feel grateful for not the things that you bought and what, but sit there and be like, you know what, I am grateful to be alive.
[SPEAKER_01]: Absolutely.
[SPEAKER_01]: Everyone gets to the stage in my life.
[SPEAKER_01]: I'm grateful for where we moved, you know, the community, all that kind of stuff and when you start sitting in that, that validation is not coming and worth, is not coming from the external, you start feeling grateful for you right internally and then you're not looking out there to feel
[SPEAKER_04]: If I understand my value, then I can give so much more to other people and add value to those lives that I'm touching, right?
[SPEAKER_04]: That I can understand my worth and give to you or you or whoever it is that I come in contact with because when I meet you, I want to add value to your life because that's important to me because I feel that you matter, you have me on your show.
[SPEAKER_04]: energy to identify that energy is so important for us as human beings.
[SPEAKER_00]: Yeah, it's when you move from that socialized mindset, that reactive mindset.
[SPEAKER_00]: Because the evolution is, we all get teenagers, we're kids, we're very ego-centric.
[SPEAKER_00]: We have to think about ourselves, that's how we stay alive.
[SPEAKER_06]: Right.
[SPEAKER_00]: Obviously, our parents too, right?
[SPEAKER_00]: But there's a point where it's like, that's necessary.
[SPEAKER_00]: And then you start to realize, oh, in order to be accepted, I need to be liked.
[SPEAKER_00]: Yes.
[SPEAKER_00]: I need to be right.
[SPEAKER_00]: All of that stuff.
[SPEAKER_00]: And so then all of a sudden, we start pivoting and reacting and responding to our environment and people, in order to be liked, most,
[SPEAKER_00]: people get stuck there.
[SPEAKER_00]: And it's when you're able to make that transition from the outer game running your inner game to now your inner game running your outer game to get creative.
[SPEAKER_00]: The world now is moving to you, shaping to you versus you constantly shaping the world.
[SPEAKER_01]: And reacting to the world.
[SPEAKER_00]: That's when those big moments start to happen.
[SPEAKER_00]: I think that's when you start to feel
[SPEAKER_00]: love, become the source of, you know, authenticity, you become the source of wanted.
[SPEAKER_00]: Created, right?
[SPEAKER_00]: Yeah.
[SPEAKER_00]: Where up until that point.
[SPEAKER_00]: you're constantly searching for that information from others, right?
[SPEAKER_00]: And when you're doing that, then you can't be your authentic self.
[SPEAKER_06]: That's exhausting.
[SPEAKER_00]: Isn't it?
[UNKNOWN]: It's exhausting.
[SPEAKER_04]: It's exhausting.
[SPEAKER_04]: We were talking earlier, and I believe in the law of assumption, right?
[SPEAKER_04]: So, never got art, right?
[SPEAKER_04]: So, everyone is a reflection of us.
[SPEAKER_04]: And I really feel that if we work on who we are as human beings, we don't have to seek outside, right?
[SPEAKER_04]: Because we're so content with ourselves inside.
[SPEAKER_04]: like this.
[SPEAKER_04]: So I think that is something they should teach in the schools that they don't, right?
[SPEAKER_04]: And we should teach our kids this and I'm trying so desperately to teach my son this.
[SPEAKER_04]: You know, and I'm in competition with the iPads and the computers and I'm just trying to get those little antidotes in on the walk to school on the drive to school.
[SPEAKER_04]: You know, when I can get him for even if it's a minute.
[SPEAKER_04]: He's listening.
[SPEAKER_04]: I know he's listening because he repeats, right, because they're sponges.
[SPEAKER_04]: But I think as human beings, we have to always reverberate back to self to understand why it is.
[SPEAKER_04]: that we are in this moment.
[SPEAKER_04]: Why is this happening?
[SPEAKER_04]: We have to ask ourselves that because we've contributed to it in some way.
[SPEAKER_04]: Whether it's a thought, whether it's a feeling, we've contributed.
[SPEAKER_04]: So if we take back the responsibility, then we don't please blame.
[SPEAKER_04]: We don't have the expectation, right?
[SPEAKER_04]: Yeah.
[SPEAKER_04]: And we can be so much happier, so much quicker and more often.
[SPEAKER_04]: Yeah.
[SPEAKER_01]: Because we realize that we are the creator of our life.
[SPEAKER_01]: Yes.
[SPEAKER_01]: We are in control.
[SPEAKER_01]: What we speak into the world.
[SPEAKER_01]: We are empowering.
[SPEAKER_01]: What we speak into existing shell benefits.
[SPEAKER_01]: Right.
[SPEAKER_01]: So if you're operating on lower frequencies vibrations, because you're constantly focusing on the things you don't have, or that competition over...
[SPEAKER_01]: That's what you will constantly attract.
[SPEAKER_04]: Yes, I believe that.
[SPEAKER_01]: And then you will blame all its this person, that person, whatever this circumstance, but it's not happening to you.
[SPEAKER_01]: It's happening for you because you are manifesting this.
[SPEAKER_04]: Absolutely.
[SPEAKER_01]: Like you said, it's a mirror, whatever you project of there is what you're going to get back.
[SPEAKER_01]: Whether it's through speaking or through even thinking.
[SPEAKER_01]: Yes.
[SPEAKER_01]: Because you may say things, but if you don't truly believe it, your vibrations are still lower and in that energy of lack.
[SPEAKER_04]: Yes, I think so.
[SPEAKER_04]: Just think about how much space you will free up if you forgive the people that you're angry at.
[SPEAKER_01]: Oh my goodness.
[SPEAKER_01]: Yes, let it go.
[SPEAKER_01]: Like Elsa says, let it go, yes, I think so.
[SPEAKER_04]: And you know what, the minute you do let go and you forgive you, let go of the weight that holds you down.
[SPEAKER_04]: It's that buoy that you just cut loose because then you can truly move forward.
[SPEAKER_04]: And you don't have to look back because whatever it is that happened is in the past.
[SPEAKER_04]: You do not have to carry it forward.
[SPEAKER_04]: It doesn't identify you.
[SPEAKER_04]: It doesn't make you who you are.
[SPEAKER_04]: But if you keep bringing it to the forefront, then you're going to keep reliving the pain and suffering.
[SPEAKER_04]: And look, as human beings, we all do that.
[SPEAKER_04]: So it does take practice.
[SPEAKER_04]: And God knows I have to practice that every day, right?
[SPEAKER_04]: But I'm so grateful for moving out here so many years ago.
[SPEAKER_04]: I did go through a very painful divorce and I do have to co-parent with my ex husband, with my son, and it's not easy.
[SPEAKER_04]: We argue a lot over
[SPEAKER_04]: Our communication skills.
[SPEAKER_04]: Because I don't have any of our lives.
[SPEAKER_04]: And I try at the end of every conversation even if I'm so angry.
[SPEAKER_04]: I sometimes call back and say, hey, I didn't mean that.
[SPEAKER_04]: Can you understand that I'm just really upset about whatever it is that we just spoke about and I just don't want to hang up mad So is this okay, so I have grown to that because I want to do that for my son because I don't want my son to hear me be angry I want him to learn forgiveness
[SPEAKER_04]: And I don't want him to see us arguing because he hears everything, even if he's in another room, right?
[SPEAKER_04]: And I think what's important to know is that they're always looking at us interacting, right?
[SPEAKER_04]: So my son, I know, I only have one, but he watches us from the minute, like we walk into the room together.
[SPEAKER_04]: He's like looking up, looking, you know, daddy's in the house, daddy's in the house, you know?
[SPEAKER_04]: But Danny is the best, right?
[SPEAKER_04]: But I have to understand that I have to be an adult and be responsible for what he sees and how I react because I don't want him to absorb that energy that I may feel toward my experience.
[SPEAKER_01]: It's with relationships.
[SPEAKER_01]: It's hard because there's a lot of hurt.
[SPEAKER_01]: Yes.
[SPEAKER_01]: When we actually process the hurt and on the other side, we say, okay, you know what?
[SPEAKER_01]: It didn't work out with us.
[SPEAKER_01]: as a couple.
[SPEAKER_01]: But we have this human being that we're exactly for.
[SPEAKER_01]: Let's get on the same court and let's play to win together for the sake of our son and for the sake of ourselves because yes we're no longer together but when we're winning, when I'm winning, you're winning.
[SPEAKER_01]: In vice versa, right?
[SPEAKER_01]: It's that conversation back to when you were saying
[SPEAKER_01]: If it's a win-lose, it's gonna constantly be a battle.
[SPEAKER_01]: So what can we do together so that we're both winning and we're moving forward in a healthy, productive way.
[SPEAKER_01]: So our son or daughter, whoever is growing up in an environment where they can see them.
[SPEAKER_01]: You can communicate in a way where two parties realize there's hurt.
[SPEAKER_01]: Yes.
[SPEAKER_01]: And let's just...
[SPEAKER_01]: surrender let go of that control right because it's not going to move us forward right and we're going to be stuck in that cycle and it's just going to get worse and worse because the resentment is going to grow and the hurt is going to get bigger so let's just acknowledge the hurt that happened and moving forward.
[SPEAKER_01]: Get on the court and be a win-win so that you can both win together instead of being like how can I
[SPEAKER_00]: you know, under what I knew, call you a name, yeah, and that's, there's always going to be people out there when you say, if you forgive things are better, and there'll be some people out there that are so bloody hurt, that they're like hell no, I'm not forgiving him, her,
[SPEAKER_00]: forgiveness is a vehicle and if that's not the vehicle for you, you get in life which you focus on.
[SPEAKER_00]: And so if your focus is on the past, especially the parts of the past that have caused you suffering.
[SPEAKER_00]: then you're gonna continue to bring that suffering out into your present and project it out into the future.
[SPEAKER_00]: And so maybe, maybe, hey, don't forgive.
[SPEAKER_00]: If that's not your thing, but shift your focus, right?
[SPEAKER_00]: And if you're in a relationship where things didn't or vote, but you have to stay connected because you have child or whatever.
[SPEAKER_06]: Yes.
[SPEAKER_00]: Then do that process of K. We now need to create a new vision.
[SPEAKER_00]: Right.
[SPEAKER_00]: For this relationship as it is.
[SPEAKER_00]: And because that vision casts an anchor something new into the future and it gives you something like, hey, we are not behaving in a way that is aligned with this new future.
[SPEAKER_00]: Then we want to create.
[SPEAKER_00]: So maybe we don't like each other like the movie.
[SPEAKER_00]: What do we want for a son?
[SPEAKER_00]: Right, for a daughter.
[SPEAKER_00]: And what, how do we both need to show up individually and together to create that future for our child?
[SPEAKER_00]: Right, and I think that's a hard thing for sure to do.
[SPEAKER_00]: But when you can get over yourself, get out of your own way, it's totally possible.
[SPEAKER_04]: Right.
[SPEAKER_04]: Well, I think that the interesting part about divorce is that you have to understand that you can't communicate
[SPEAKER_04]: post-averse, as you did during the marriage, right?
[SPEAKER_04]: So I think that's a huge learning tool, right?
[SPEAKER_00]: So, because you got the gloves on in there, you know what gloves are on.
[SPEAKER_01]: Oh, yeah, it's all in the back door in the hand.
[SPEAKER_04]: Hi, for an eye, baby.
[SPEAKER_04]: Um, you know, listen, I've done some things I'm not proud about.
[SPEAKER_04]: You know, I mean, really, I mean, I've said some awful things under stress, uh, when I was going through my divorce, my father died of a heart attack right in front of me, um, so that was
[SPEAKER_04]: Traumatic in itself, the divorce was traumatic for me.
[SPEAKER_04]: I never got married to get divorced.
[SPEAKER_04]: We were very different people.
[SPEAKER_04]: I just didn't see it in the beginning.
[SPEAKER_04]: I think that we did love each other when we got married and we grew apart pretty quickly in the marriage because of our backgrounds being so different and Our needs being so different.
[SPEAKER_04]: We were just completely different people I believe
[SPEAKER_04]: And he's not better than me.
[SPEAKER_04]: I'm not better than him.
[SPEAKER_04]: I just think that we made a mistake by actually getting married.
[SPEAKER_01]: Well, I think you know, it all comes down to communication when we are falling in love.
[SPEAKER_01]: You know, it is all infatuation.
[SPEAKER_01]: Yes, you come in formation.
[SPEAKER_01]: Yeah, on your best behavior adrenaline.
[SPEAKER_01]: right and then you start shifting that and then having those difficult conversations early on to see if you guys are aligned.
[SPEAKER_01]: If we were like you know we had to sit down.
[SPEAKER_01]: I had PCOS, police is like a very insidient.
[SPEAKER_01]: So very early on I told him I may not be able to have children.
[SPEAKER_01]: So that's something that you're looking for.
[SPEAKER_01]: I may not be able to give you the children.
[SPEAKER_01]: So you
[SPEAKER_01]: I understand that, and really sit in that question, are you going to be okay not having children?
[SPEAKER_01]: Early on.
[SPEAKER_04]: Yeah.
[SPEAKER_01]: Right.
[SPEAKER_01]: Because what are we still on?
[SPEAKER_01]: Right.
[SPEAKER_01]: It is.
[SPEAKER_00]: Yeah.
[SPEAKER_00]: But I think you're right.
[SPEAKER_00]: Like in those early stages, like, we need to learn how to talk.
[SPEAKER_00]: Yes.
[SPEAKER_00]: But we do not need to learn how to hear.
[SPEAKER_00]: Mm-hmm.
[SPEAKER_00]: start hearing from the time that we're born, right?
[SPEAKER_00]: And so there is a skill that needs to be developed because we take for granted the fact that we just listen.
[SPEAKER_00]: We need to learn how to listen better and the filters that we're listening through.
[SPEAKER_00]: And so in an early part of a relationship, like you're saying, when you, all you, it's like halo effect.
[SPEAKER_00]: All you do is you see all the great parts.
[SPEAKER_00]: Sure.
[SPEAKER_00]: All the parts that are not great, those imperfect parts are still there, but it's not what you're focused on.
[SPEAKER_00]: And then as a relationship goes on, then all of a sudden as
[SPEAKER_00]: It's a Valorant.
[SPEAKER_00]: Yeah.
[SPEAKER_00]: And I'll suddenly have a tendency because our subconscious is very much primed to focus on threats and things that we don't like because that's how it keeps us safe.
[SPEAKER_00]: Thank you.
[SPEAKER_00]: And so over time, that then becomes the shift that our focus and we start to collect more evidence as to why this person isn't a fit for us or what we don't like about them.
[SPEAKER_00]: And when even if it's only
[SPEAKER_00]: 10 or 20% of what goes on if you're 100% of your focus is on 20% of that not the imperfect parts of a person then that becomes your whole experience.
[SPEAKER_00]: And so we need to teach ourselves and our children and others that
[SPEAKER_00]: we can focus our listening on to the gold, onto the beautiful parts of life of people, and I think if more people did that, more relationships would flourish because our communication becomes a lot more healthy and even when we are in conflict.
[SPEAKER_00]: We're committed to the goal that's going to come out on the other side of that versus falling into that, I'm not going to lose to this person so I want to win.
[SPEAKER_04]: Right, exactly.
[SPEAKER_04]: But I think another thing that I've learned through therapy is that you have to learn to ask the right questions, right up front, um, and a lot of marriages fail which I've learned because your core values don't match up and you have to
[SPEAKER_04]: what those core values are to have success on your side, right, to have the ratio on your side to fall in your favor, right, because most marriages do end up in divorce.
[SPEAKER_04]: But I think it's because we don't ask the questions that matter upfront, either because we don't have the education, we don't have the skill set, we're afraid to,
[SPEAKER_04]: And in the beginning, everything is roses, right?
[SPEAKER_04]: Because you have the attraction, you have the adrenaline, you have the excitement of the new relationship, and everything's great and wonderful when it's new.
[SPEAKER_04]: But as time goes on and you figure out who somebody else is, maybe it doesn't align with who you are as an individual, and you can't move forward and evolve together to what each other's purpose is.
[SPEAKER_00]: asking the right questions.
[SPEAKER_00]: I think when I hear that automatically, you go to asking the right questions of the other person.
[SPEAKER_00]: But I think before you can ask the right question to the person, you got to ask the right questions.
[SPEAKER_00]: Absolutely.
[SPEAKER_00]: So what are your core values?
[SPEAKER_00]: Like, well, what are my core values?
[SPEAKER_00]: Yes.
[SPEAKER_00]: And that's not something that is taught.
[SPEAKER_00]: No.
[SPEAKER_00]: Then usually it comes about when you experience some type of breakdowns, pushes you into counseling, your therapy, you start using these mental models.
[SPEAKER_00]: So how did you figure out what your core values were?
[SPEAKER_00]: Well, during your marriage, it was after, like during the breakdown, what drove you to really start to explore your own core values?
[SPEAKER_04]: Yeah, it wasn't until after the divorce.
[SPEAKER_04]: Did I really identify what my core values were and what my needs were?
[SPEAKER_04]: Because I wasn't forced to before, right?
[SPEAKER_04]: I got married relatively young.
[SPEAKER_04]: I was 33.
[SPEAKER_04]: I met my husband at 30.
[SPEAKER_04]: I had been engaged to my high school sweetheart.
[SPEAKER_04]: I was with him from 15 to 30 and then we broke up when my mother had passed away.
[SPEAKER_04]: And my mother was sick most of my 20s.
[SPEAKER_04]: So I really didn't understand who I was because I couldn't explore that in my 20s when most people are
[SPEAKER_04]: going out there and they're working on their careers and they're graduating college I wasn't able to do that because my mother was sick for so many years and I was with my high school boyfriend and then when we broke up after my mom had passed away I had met my what is now my ex husband so I kind of went from one relationship to another never really understanding who you were
[SPEAKER_04]: the core of who I was, right?
[SPEAKER_04]: Or allowing myself to learn about myself because everything was always being dictated from the outside about where my life was going.
[SPEAKER_04]: And I wasn't really able to identify what it is that made me happy and who I was until after my divorce.
[SPEAKER_04]: Unfortunately, right, I never planned on getting divorced.
[SPEAKER_04]: I came from a divorce background.
[SPEAKER_04]: I never wanted that for myself.
[SPEAKER_04]: But nor was I going to stay in a situation that was unhappy because I knew that we were so different.
[SPEAKER_04]: And that wasn't fair to me.
[SPEAKER_04]: And that was not fair to hand me there.
[SPEAKER_04]: So you have to look at it.
[SPEAKER_04]: Nobody wants divorce, especially if there's a child involved.
[SPEAKER_00]: Right?
[SPEAKER_04]: I say to myself, oh my god, how is this going to affect my son?
[SPEAKER_04]: But nor do I want my son to see anything
[SPEAKER_04]: And he also has to understand that he should never stay in that situation just because there is a marriage or because there are children I don't want that to be an excuse for his being in an unhappy relationship in the future So you have to lead by example and it was not easy for me to leave I mean that was a very difficult thing It was painful and upsetting and traumatic on so many different levels And it's hard to overcome when you're in a long-term marriage It's not an easy thing I was married
[SPEAKER_04]: for 14 years together, 17 years, and
[SPEAKER_04]: I was afraid to speak up in my marriage, not because of him, but because of who I was.
[SPEAKER_04]: I just didn't want to disrupt the apple card.
[SPEAKER_04]: I didn't know how to get out of a marriage.
[SPEAKER_04]: I mean, your first and only marriage, my mother was gone.
[SPEAKER_04]: My father actually came with me to the attorney and then he passed away a month later.
[SPEAKER_04]: So I was going through all that trauma in the middle of filing for divorce.
[SPEAKER_04]: I didn't even know how to say I wanted a divorce in an effective way.
[SPEAKER_01]: Yeah.
[SPEAKER_01]: I love how what you said about, um, you know, not wanting your son to stay in a relationship because we often, we were told, oh, you should stay because of your children, but you're a child, too.
[SPEAKER_01]: Would your mom want you to be never in that relationship if you're not happy, never?
[SPEAKER_04]: I would have gotten out or never married them to begin with.
[SPEAKER_04]: I'm sorry, but that's a shame.
[SPEAKER_01]: Yeah, that's when you actually put it on your self.
[SPEAKER_01]: It's like, well, I'm also a child because also my life.
[SPEAKER_01]: Right.
[SPEAKER_01]: Also, how I, we only get one life.
[SPEAKER_01]: Right.
[SPEAKER_01]: So people, we come back, we relive the lives of, you know, having learned.
[SPEAKER_01]: Yeah, you know, the lessons that we haven't learned, we just keep redoing them over and over and until we finally learn that lesson.
[SPEAKER_01]: So yeah, so it's just having that awareness.
[SPEAKER_01]: Finding out who you are first before entering a relationship when leaving a relationship Make sure you heal yourself first and go through all of that Healing from the past trauma as a relationship so you don't bring that into your future absolutely and even from the divorce Right I was in another relationship that didn't work out well and then I've I dated pretty consistently and
[SPEAKER_04]: I've learned to be okay with myself.
[SPEAKER_04]: I'm really happy on my own.
[SPEAKER_04]: So whoever is going to be my next person, hopefully he's out there, he will have to be someone really special because I'm not gonna take my focus away from my own life and my son's life, unless we can share equal value to each other's lives, right?
[SPEAKER_04]: And he'll have to be on the same level,
[SPEAKER_04]: Yeah, because if our hearts don't align, I want no part.
[SPEAKER_01]: And it's funny because this is the sixth say that women are happier when they're single.
[SPEAKER_01]: Right.
[SPEAKER_01]: Most of the first men are happier when they're married.
[SPEAKER_01]: Right.
[SPEAKER_01]: No, these questions are different.
[SPEAKER_01]: Why?
[SPEAKER_01]: Isn't it because we take care of them?
[SPEAKER_01]: the men, you know, we nurture, we, and they're supposed to be the providers, but now with how society is going, we're also needing to be providers.
[SPEAKER_01]: We're still out there hustling.
[SPEAKER_01]: And now we have, you know, man child, that's not how to take care of himself.
[SPEAKER_01]: Not talking about you, babe.
[SPEAKER_01]: But in relationships, right?
[SPEAKER_01]: Right.
[SPEAKER_01]: Like I'm thinking that's why there's so many
[SPEAKER_01]: You know, 40 and up.
[SPEAKER_01]: There is a awakening.
[SPEAKER_01]: Yes.
[SPEAKER_01]: It's not a midlife crisis in your life awakening because we've been conditioned to be giving all the time and nurturing all the time and then finally once everything is kind of settling you wake up and you're like holy man.
[SPEAKER_01]: Yeah.
[SPEAKER_01]: Half my life is gone.
[SPEAKER_01]: What am I doing for me?
[SPEAKER_01]: Who am I?
[SPEAKER_01]: Why am I so lost?
[SPEAKER_01]: Right?
[SPEAKER_01]: Why am I constantly the one giving where I need to receive?
[SPEAKER_01]: I need to fill my bucket.
[SPEAKER_01]: And then when the men doesn't get on that train of growth and development as well, you know, there's that you'll go for younger women because they're not there yet, which are really wise.
[SPEAKER_01]: Like growth wise.
[SPEAKER_01]: I feel women mature faster, but they
[SPEAKER_04]: Well, even when I was deciding to file for divorce, I remember there was a moment where I was looking at my now ex husband and I just said,
[SPEAKER_04]: I am not going to stay.
[SPEAKER_04]: This unhappy, the rest of my life, I will get sick and die like my mother died.
[SPEAKER_04]: I will get cancer because I'm suppressing who I am in this marriage, not because necessarily of him, because of myself and what my needs and wants are.
[SPEAKER_04]: And we just don't align with our personalities and our values, right?
[SPEAKER_04]: So I had to make a bold decision.
[SPEAKER_04]: and file which was extremely scary for me.
[SPEAKER_04]: I was terrified to be honest.
[SPEAKER_04]: I didn't know how life was going to move forward because I just know what the past years were.
[SPEAKER_04]: And it takes a lot of courage to file for divorce.
[SPEAKER_04]: It really, really does.
[SPEAKER_04]: And I know that he was just as unhappy as I was.
[SPEAKER_04]: So it's always who's going to pull the trigger first, right?
[SPEAKER_04]: Yeah.
[SPEAKER_04]: Maybe if my communication skills were better, we could have done it together, but that's not usually the norm.
[SPEAKER_00]: No.
[SPEAKER_00]: Because our, again, going back to just our, our brains often don't work for us.
[SPEAKER_00]: They work against us in a lot of ways.
[SPEAKER_00]: Because when even when we're in an unhealthy relationship or you have bad habits that are not good for you,
[SPEAKER_00]: you they're predictable right you you know you're tomorrow you're going to wake up right you're going to still be with that same person right you're not going to be happy right and so even though intellectually you're like oh if I was not in this relationship anymore things would be better right
[SPEAKER_00]: the grass grain, but that decision is filled with uncertainty.
[SPEAKER_00]: Because you haven't lived that life, you don't have past experience with leaving that partner of X amount of time and having that divorce and getting in
[SPEAKER_00]: a relationship with someone that you haven't been in a relationship with, and so the bringing process is that as a threat.
[SPEAKER_00]: It will convince you this day, so it does take a lot of courage to be able to take that leap, and move it's not as terrifying.
[SPEAKER_00]: It's not as simple as just being, oh, I'm unhappy, and so I decided to make the happy decision.
[SPEAKER_00]: It's, I'm unhappy and it's still terrifying to try and make that decision to be happy because, again, our subconscious is working against us most of the time.
[SPEAKER_04]: Yes, it's opening up a can of worms, really, and you're afraid to open that can because now you have legal issues, right?
[SPEAKER_04]: Because marriage is a contract, now it becomes a legality.
[SPEAKER_04]: Now you have other people involved in your marriage called attorneys.
[SPEAKER_04]: they're very expensive.
[SPEAKER_04]: So now they're eating away your money and your time and you are being judged and you're being looked at under a fine microscope and it's not a pleasant situation.
[SPEAKER_04]: If you can
[SPEAKER_04]: you know, negotiate the terms and do it, you know, in a way that's, okay, between the two of you, then that's great.
[SPEAKER_04]: But most often it doesn't happen that way.
[SPEAKER_04]: And hindsight is 2020, you know, I look back and I made a lot of mistakes.
[SPEAKER_04]: I should have done a lot of things to make the process a lot easier.
[SPEAKER_04]: I take full responsibility for that.
[SPEAKER_04]: As I'm sure he would say the same thing.
[SPEAKER_04]: But during a divorce process, you become bitter, angry, resentful.
[SPEAKER_04]: you become retaliative, all of these things.
[SPEAKER_04]: And those things I'm not proud of in any way, shape, perform.
[SPEAKER_04]: I have to say, you know, I made a lot of mistakes.
[SPEAKER_04]: But again, I was traumatized because my father died and you have my mother.
[SPEAKER_04]: I was afraid fear-based.
[SPEAKER_04]: I had a, I just had a
[SPEAKER_04]: small baby.
[SPEAKER_04]: I had postpartum.
[SPEAKER_04]: There was a lot of stuff that contributed to that behavior and I would say that I would look at things very differently moving forward, go for bed, I was ever in that situation again.
[SPEAKER_04]: And I will say I will now never date a man who's going through a divorce.
[SPEAKER_04]: they have to be divorced because the process is so incredibly painful sometimes and stressful.
[SPEAKER_04]: I remember that I had started to date a guy and I actually had thought he was
[SPEAKER_04]: legally divorced and he told me he was legally separated on the date.
[SPEAKER_04]: He hadn't gone through the divorce process.
[SPEAKER_04]: I remember my heart just going into my stomach because I really liked him.
[SPEAKER_04]: And I just thought, oh boy, I'm never going to see this guy when the process starts.
[SPEAKER_04]: And that's exactly what happened.
[SPEAKER_01]: Yeah, the healing has to have you have to end something, work through it, and then, yes, you can, you can get into a relationship while you're healing, but not while you're dealing with it, I feel right it's never going to be healthy that's for sure the new relationship Yes, exactly and then somebody's going to get hurt because rarely those relationships
[SPEAKER_00]: work out right when they last right yeah yeah when they are based in trauma yes and and it's also just not about I think a relationship and in divorce and then just
[SPEAKER_00]: getting into a relationship without doing the healing in the work.
[SPEAKER_00]: Right.
[SPEAKER_00]: You're just going to bring those same issues as you were saying before back into the relationship.
[SPEAKER_00]: Right.
[SPEAKER_00]: And so this is my stand up for the guys.
[SPEAKER_04]: Peace.
[SPEAKER_04]: Bring it.
[SPEAKER_00]: I mean, it's not just women.
[SPEAKER_00]: Men are also conditioned to be a certain way from childhood.
[SPEAKER_00]: You know, guys can't express any type of
[SPEAKER_00]: vulnerability, especially emotional vulnerability, without being labeled, right?
[SPEAKER_00]: Oh, you're soft.
[SPEAKER_00]: Yeah, it's soft.
[SPEAKER_00]: That's a nice way.
[SPEAKER_00]: Good.
[SPEAKER_02]: I mean, nice.
[SPEAKER_00]: Yeah.
[SPEAKER_00]: It's always not a nice thing.
[SPEAKER_00]: Yeah.
[SPEAKER_00]: And so then you learn, okay, to be a man is to not be emotional, which then typically creates a disassociation with your emotions, and then men become avoidance.
[SPEAKER_00]: They don't want to have those, you know,
[SPEAKER_04]: I've noticed that with men, they're very avoidant, you know, emotionally, right?
[SPEAKER_04]: They're too terrified to become emotional with you.
[SPEAKER_00]: Right, because because that your identity of being a man means to not get emotional.
[SPEAKER_00]: And then, and then we're also conditioned to be protectors and providers.
[SPEAKER_00]: Right.
[SPEAKER_00]: And so you go through life.
[SPEAKER_00]: Not most of the men today.
[SPEAKER_01]: Yeah, there's some question.
[SPEAKER_01]: What's up there?
[SPEAKER_01]: Thank you, as a person.
[SPEAKER_01]: Yes.
[SPEAKER_00]: I think when you've got
[SPEAKER_00]: men that are, and women who have this construct, right, this mental construct of how they need to be, to be a man, to be a woman, to be a father, to be right, a mother, to be a husband, to be a wife, and you're not exploring, what does it mean for me to actually be who I wanna be?
[SPEAKER_00]: Then yeah, at some point in your life,
[SPEAKER_00]: you become really unhappy because you haven't been living your full authentic self.
[SPEAKER_00]: You've been living into someone else's version of what it means to be you, right?
[SPEAKER_04]: There's the expectation, right?
[SPEAKER_04]: Yes, yes, so that's why if you remove the expectation of the other person, then you're never disappointed.
[SPEAKER_04]: which I love right I mean how gratifying is that that you no longer have to seek the expectations to be happy yeah right you just remove that from your life which is really great and I think that that gives the other person so much permission to beat themselves yeah yeah we definitely went through a trying
[SPEAKER_01]: time in our life and we found out so much.
[SPEAKER_01]: It would have been easier for us to just go but we chose to stay and do the work, which again, putting up that mirror in front of your face and going okay, what parts am I responsible for and what parts am I just giving back to you because they're not my ticket, right, right?
[SPEAKER_01]: but standing in that truth right, owning your own stuff and letting go of all the stuff that does not belong to you and he did the same.
[SPEAKER_02]: Yeah.
[SPEAKER_01]: And now we're able to come together much stronger with a lot more compassion and understanding for each other and just listening to what our needs are.
[SPEAKER_01]: way, when you both do the work and you come on the other side, it is so beautiful.
[SPEAKER_01]: We've been together for 20 years, 17 years married in October.
[SPEAKER_01]: Is it october?
[SPEAKER_01]: No, it's a bit amazing, am I outside?
[SPEAKER_01]: No, it's so amazing.
[SPEAKER_01]: Yeah, so yeah, and you know, we did some growth in development early on.
[SPEAKER_01]: He was we were quite young.
[SPEAKER_01]: He was 21 out of 29 when we met.
[SPEAKER_01]: So there was a lot.
[SPEAKER_01]: Yeah, you know, learning and sharing together.
[SPEAKER_01]: We've gone through a lot of Trump like trauma, even with pregnancy with the houses with the mood.
[SPEAKER_01]: It all builds up.
[SPEAKER_01]: Yeah.
[SPEAKER_01]: And then, you know, you fall into that life, yes, maintenance mode.
[SPEAKER_04]: And it becomes just a schedule.
[SPEAKER_01]: Right, yeah.
[SPEAKER_01]: There's no day day, and there's no community.
[SPEAKER_01]: There's no dreaming once you stop dreaming as a couple, or just dreaming for yourself.
[SPEAKER_01]: And then having a partner, okay, this is our dream together.
[SPEAKER_01]: But I have my dreams, he has his, how do we support each other and move forward, right?
[SPEAKER_01]: Instead of all you can do that, she can't do that.
[SPEAKER_01]: We're doing this together.
[SPEAKER_00]: Or we put ourselves, because again, going back to you conditioning, we're conditioned to think that to prioritize yourself is to be selfish.
[SPEAKER_00]: So then you put everyone else first.
[SPEAKER_00]: And then you become resentful.
[SPEAKER_00]: Because you're like, well,
[SPEAKER_00]: You know, why, why are you upset with me for, you know, this, that or the other thing, right?
[SPEAKER_00]: You're calling me selfish, but I'm constantly cooking or looking at the kids or I'm constantly away making a living light all these things because
[SPEAKER_00]: We're not prioritizing ourselves, we're not putting ourselves first, and that is so important.
[SPEAKER_00]: And it's not selfish because in order for you to show up is you're talking about being the best version of you.
[SPEAKER_00]: You need to prioritize yourself so you can show up as the best version for everyone in your life, including yourself.
[SPEAKER_04]: Right.
[SPEAKER_04]: I think it's so important that you both want to be there.
[SPEAKER_00]: Right.
[SPEAKER_04]: Like I want to date somebody who wants to date me.
[SPEAKER_04]: I don't want to be with somebody who doesn't want to date me.
[SPEAKER_04]: I don't want to be with somebody who doesn't know that I'm a yes.
[SPEAKER_00]: Yeah.
[SPEAKER_00]: And somebody that doesn't think things clear.
[SPEAKER_00]: wants to, doesn't feel like they have to.
[SPEAKER_00]: Because they need that valuation.
[SPEAKER_01]: They choose you.
[SPEAKER_01]: They don't need you.
[SPEAKER_01]: That's where, you know, I choose.
[SPEAKER_01]: They're fine on their own.
[SPEAKER_01]: I'm fine on my own.
[SPEAKER_04]: I'm perfect on my own.
[SPEAKER_01]: They're fine on their own.
[SPEAKER_01]: Yes.
[SPEAKER_01]: And it's in that choosing.
[SPEAKER_01]: Yes.
[SPEAKER_01]: We manifest whatever because we make those choices.
[SPEAKER_01]: I choose to be in this relationship.
[SPEAKER_01]: I choose to travel for work.
[SPEAKER_01]: I choose, it is in that where you have your power.
[SPEAKER_01]: Like go off that power, your life is no longer yours, right?
[SPEAKER_01]: You're living someone else's conflict, whatever they're telling you is what you're going to do, right?
[SPEAKER_01]: So I'll always say the powers and the choosing choose what you want for yourself, right?
[SPEAKER_01]: and then it will come.
[SPEAKER_04]: Yes.
[SPEAKER_04]: Listen, I think that we all have to understand ourselves so we can understand someone else, right?
[SPEAKER_04]: So we're talking about self-love, we're talking about self-understanding, self-worth, it kind of all comes together.
[SPEAKER_04]: And I think that when we truly value and understand who we are, then we can give so much to that other person.
[SPEAKER_04]: Our relationship will be so beautiful,
[SPEAKER_04]: a beautiful bond that's created from day one that can just flourish into a long-term situation, whether it be a friendship or a love relationship or a working relationship, it doesn't matter.
[SPEAKER_04]: And I've really take a lot of pride in
[SPEAKER_04]: my personal and business relationships that I've developed out here.
[SPEAKER_04]: I have so many amazing people that are involved in the industry.
[SPEAKER_04]: Outside of the industry, I have true friendships that I value so much.
[SPEAKER_04]: And I always want to show up as my best self because I'd be in Paris not to.
[SPEAKER_04]: Mm-hmm.
[SPEAKER_00]: And truthfully.
[SPEAKER_00]: Best self doesn't mean always looking.
[SPEAKER_00]: No.
[SPEAKER_04]: Yeah.
[SPEAKER_00]: Sometimes your best self is.
[SPEAKER_00]: just allowing the messiness to happen.
[SPEAKER_00]: It's the intention.
[SPEAKER_00]: That's right.
[SPEAKER_04]: So I think that's the thing you have to set the intention to be honest, right?
[SPEAKER_04]: And to be forthright.
[SPEAKER_04]: And I think that's so special in someone when they can be really forthright and honest in every moment that you share with them.
[SPEAKER_01]: Yeah.
[SPEAKER_00]: That's wonderful.
[SPEAKER_01]: Well, this was an amazing conversation.
[SPEAKER_01]: Thank you.
[SPEAKER_01]: It was.
[SPEAKER_04]: I just want to say a couple of things if you don't mind.
[SPEAKER_04]: So I, um, being out here, I've developed an amazing relationship with, um, many people in the industry.
[SPEAKER_04]: And I do have a podcast.
[SPEAKER_04]: And I, it's called the Maurice and Anna Show.
[SPEAKER_04]: And it's on Connect TV.
[SPEAKER_04]: And I hope you guys come on as a guest.
[SPEAKER_04]: And I have, uh,
[SPEAKER_04]: develop this relationship with Paula Bernard and Maurice Bernard and the show is with actor Maurice Bernard.
[SPEAKER_04]: He's been on general hospital for over 32 years now.
[SPEAKER_04]: He's won three Emmys.
[SPEAKER_04]: He focuses on mental health.
[SPEAKER_04]: He has another podcast called state of mind and I'm so grateful for this relationship in my life and I
[SPEAKER_04]: It's funny how I feel like I've manifested it because I have watched more recent my whole life on general hospital and now here I am sitting doing a podcast with the biggest soap star in history and him and his wife are just incredibly special people and
[SPEAKER_04]: Without her, there would be no show with me in hand, because she understands my brother's sister relationship, and he always wanted a sister, and I shut up in life.
[SPEAKER_04]: And now we have some worries in Anna's show, and it's really a beautiful friendship, and we actually talk about Ken, men, and women, be friends, just friends, and we are.
[SPEAKER_04]: And I'm friends with his wife, and we collaborate on things.
[SPEAKER_04]: And we have a lot of plans in the works to do other collaborative efforts and we're going to grow different.
[SPEAKER_04]: Entrepreneurial event, you know, and I can't talk about ventures together because I would get emotional about them because they're such amazing people like yourselves and I think that when you vibrate on that level, you just keep attracting those people and I have other producing partners that I'm creating content with.
[SPEAKER_04]: And I have a movie on Amazon called Maternal Sin and I'm writing and producing another Christmas movie with some stars attached and I have a true crime movie that I'm
[SPEAKER_04]: producing that's going to be sitting in front of someone that I've admired for a long time from my hometown and I'm hoping that she acts in it and I can't say it yet because it's not solidified but I'm working on all of these creative projects together and just so so excited I'm super excited to
[SPEAKER_04]: see tomorrow and what tomorrow brings and meet new people and continue to connect on connect TV because we're growing this family and Kent, speak when he's doing an amazing job and his vision is just growing by the second and he's one of the good eggs in this industry.
[SPEAKER_04]: I have to say, but thank you for having me.
[SPEAKER_04]: I appreciate the two of you so much.
[SPEAKER_01]: Thank you.
[SPEAKER_04]: And I can't wait to see you again and forgive all the foe pause and
[SPEAKER_01]: Don't belate us.
[SPEAKER_00]: Not sure recorded.
[SPEAKER_00]: Let's go to the intensity that's what we're all about.
[SPEAKER_01]: Listen, where can people find you on social media?
[SPEAKER_04]: Sure, so at Anna's Emerges across all platforms, I am trying my best to put more positive content out there.
[SPEAKER_04]: I'm a little shy myself, believe it or not, because
[SPEAKER_04]: I was trained as a theatrical actress, I studied theater in Manhattan, so I'm used to reading a script, I'm not used to social media, so to speak, as my own personality, so it is something that I've had to become more comfortable with, and we'll see how it goes, and I just love being part of this tremendous podcast and community, and
[SPEAKER_04]: looking forward to doing wonderful things out here.
[SPEAKER_01]: Yes, thank you so much and yeah, thank you for bringing your energy and your energy for having me.
[SPEAKER_01]: For sending, yeah, thanks Kent for connecting, you know, us on Connect TV.
[SPEAKER_01]: On Connect TV, shout out, but it is Kent is a connector and the people that he works with.
[SPEAKER_01]: Yes, we all trust everyone who comes into this circle.
[SPEAKER_01]: We say, if Kent said, you're good people, you're good people.
[SPEAKER_00]: There was no need to vet you.
[SPEAKER_04]: I appreciate you didn't do the background check now.
[SPEAKER_04]: I do do it with dating sometimes.
[SPEAKER_04]: I have one of those programs that does all the vetting for me, like make sure there's no cutting.
[SPEAKER_04]: I don't want to say it.
[SPEAKER_04]: I don't want to say that.
[SPEAKER_04]: I do want to say, though, I've been involved with animal rescue lately.
[SPEAKER_04]: So if you can adopt a pet, foster a pet, or donate to any of these shelters,
[SPEAKER_04]: Rescues that are out there, please do it.
[SPEAKER_04]: There's an overcrowding of animals that need love and forever homes and They're just amazing little creatures.
[SPEAKER_04]: They're God's creatures and lately I've been involved with helping place a few of them and adopting a few of them So don't go to breeders necessarily.
[SPEAKER_04]: There's so many shelter animals that needs need homes.
[SPEAKER_04]: Yeah.
[SPEAKER_04]: Well, when we're ready for a puppy
[SPEAKER_01]: next year.
[SPEAKER_01]: Save a life.
[SPEAKER_01]: Save a life shelter.
[SPEAKER_01]: Yes.
[SPEAKER_01]: For sure.
[SPEAKER_01]: Yeah.
[SPEAKER_01]: So.
[SPEAKER_01]: Okay.
[SPEAKER_01]: Well, thank you.
[SPEAKER_01]: I'm told next time.
[SPEAKER_01]: Yeah.
[SPEAKER_01]: Don't sugarcoat it.
[SPEAKER_01]: People.
[SPEAKER_01]: I mean, just be honest.
[SPEAKER_01]: Yeah.
[SPEAKER_04]: It's more fun that way.
[SPEAKER_04]: It is totally more fun.
[SPEAKER_04]: Yeah.
[SPEAKER_00]: Yeah.
[SPEAKER_00]: You like it, New Yorker.
[SPEAKER_04]: Hey, forget about it, I got a guy, I got a guy, I got a guy, I got a guy, I got a guy, I got a guy, I got a guy, I got a guy, I got a guy, I got a guy, I got a guy, I got a guy, I got a guy, I got a guy, I got a guy, I got a guy, I got a guy, I got a guy, I got a guy, I got a guy, I got a guy, I got a guy, I got a guy, I got a guy, I got a guy, I got a guy, I got a guy, I got a guy, I got a guy, I got a guy, I got a guy, I got a guy, I got a guy, I got a guy, I got a guy, I got a guy, I got a guy, I got a guy, I got a guy, I got a guy, I got a guy, I got a guy, I got a guy, I got
[SPEAKER_01]: If you've found value in our conversation, spread the lung, share this episode with family and friends, and let's grow this supportive community together.
[SPEAKER_00]: And don't forget to like and follow us, we can reach more amazing people just like you.
[SPEAKER_01]: Until next time, remember, let's not struggle coded, keep it real raw and unfiltered.