[SPEAKER_05]: If you're listening to the intentional parents podcast, brought to you by Intentional.
[SPEAKER_05]: Intentional is all about spiritual formation in the family.
[SPEAKER_05]: We desire to bring biblical hope and practical hope.
[SPEAKER_05]: Enjoy this week's conversation.
[SPEAKER_05]: Alright, welcome back to the intentional parents podcast parenting the anxious generation so much anxiety living in our culture and our lives in our bones in our moment.
[SPEAKER_05]: How do we parent an anxious generation?
[SPEAKER_05]: How do we know what anxiety is?
[SPEAKER_05]: How do we know how to identify it in our kids?
[SPEAKER_05]: What are the active tools that we need to use?
[SPEAKER_05]: What biblically does the Bible say about anxiety as a whole?
[SPEAKER_05]: And also how do we deal with it?
[SPEAKER_05]: That's what we're getting into today.
[SPEAKER_05]: I'm really excited about it.
[SPEAKER_00]: Don't feel the light, easy topic.
[SPEAKER_05]: This is your topic.
[SPEAKER_05]: This is the one you want to talk about.
[SPEAKER_00]: No, in mind, we could step on.
[SPEAKER_05]: Well, you and I specifically have a lot of passion about this.
[SPEAKER_05]: Also wanted to say, last week, we announced a very fun thing, showing a hidden seed daily prayers for your child's spiritual growth.
[SPEAKER_05]: If you haven't had a chance to listen to that episode or hear more about what this is, this is simply a thirty one day prayer devotional for you to specifically have written prayers over your kids.
[SPEAKER_05]: It's a verse.
[SPEAKER_05]: It's a quote and it's a written prayer with different topics every single day.
[SPEAKER_05]: And we are just offering this to anybody that wants to partner with us financially.
[SPEAKER_05]: Anyone that gives twenty five dollars a month or more, we want to send this as a thank you.
[SPEAKER_05]: This is both to resource you, but to also help the ever growing ministry of intentional and this is a way to partner and become a legacy builder.
[SPEAKER_05]: That's what our monthly givers are, is our legacy builders and we'd like to invite you to be a part of it.
[SPEAKER_05]: So if you hadn't heard about that, that is going on.
[SPEAKER_05]: That's happening.
[SPEAKER_05]: You can click the link in the show notes.
[SPEAKER_05]: You can go to intentionalparents.org and you can look at the prayer devotional there.
[SPEAKER_05]: And learn all you need, you can pick up your copy there, that's how that works.
[SPEAKER_05]: But parenting the extra generation, honey, why don't you set us up?
[SPEAKER_05]: I think you did a brilliant job with setting all this up.
[SPEAKER_05]: And I'm excited for this conversation, but you already said it, yeah, there's a lot of different things to new ones today.
[SPEAKER_05]: And so, why don't you do this?
[SPEAKER_00]: Well, it's like right at the gate as is obvious.
[SPEAKER_00]: We need to state the obvious that we are not medical practitioners.
[SPEAKER_00]: What?
[SPEAKER_00]: That we cannot give medical advice or diagnose as much as my speed has been tells me.
[SPEAKER_00]: I'm always trying to diagnose people with things.
[SPEAKER_05]: You're trying to diagnose me with things.
[SPEAKER_05]: I don't care if you diagnose other people.
[SPEAKER_05]: It's when you try to diagnose me and that's, I don't always love that.
[SPEAKER_00]: Yeah, so we won't be doing that today.
[SPEAKER_00]: So that's important to say.
[SPEAKER_00]: And we are taking today, we're taking the angle of what do, what can we do as parents to help our kids?
[SPEAKER_00]: Because really, it is our job to be able to identify if our kid is struggling with anxiety and to give them tools when they're young so that it doesn't have to take over their life as an adult.
[SPEAKER_00]: It's a gift we can give our kids.
[SPEAKER_05]: And anxiety is very sneaky.
[SPEAKER_00]: It is very sneaky.
[SPEAKER_00]: We're going to talk about that, of how we can show up.
[SPEAKER_00]: And a little background, did we ever think we would be talking about this?
[SPEAKER_00]: No, but we have three of our four kids who actually, I think I can probably safely say four of them struggle with anxiety.
[SPEAKER_00]: Some of them much more intensely than others too, actually, that we've needed significant help because of their struggle with anxiety.
[SPEAKER_00]: And so we are not experts in this area.
[SPEAKER_00]: but we are daily practitioners and we have had to see ourselves in this topic for years now and we've had to get a lot of help because we've needed to for the sake of our kids.
[SPEAKER_00]: And so we've had a lot of experts pouring into our lives, both personally like actually meeting with them and through books and through resources, have had to learn a lot about this.
[SPEAKER_00]: and classes and classes we've taken and so we're going to share some of what we've learned through all the experts who have helped us and through having to actually practice it in our home on a daily basis which is a very different thing by the way meaning
[SPEAKER_05]: You have the ideals of the practitioners or those who say, this is what it should look like, but then how do you fit that in with your own kids and their specific needs when they're like, hey, belly breaths are great.
[SPEAKER_05]: And your kid's like, I'm not breathing in my room and hold my breath.
[SPEAKER_05]: You're like, all right, pass out of you.
[SPEAKER_05]: Like we have those dynamics too.
[SPEAKER_00]: Absolutely, we do.
[SPEAKER_00]: And the reality is why this is so important and why I hope anybody who follows the podcast listens to this.
[SPEAKER_00]: Some of you are gonna see that title and be like, oh my gosh, I need that.
[SPEAKER_00]: My kid's so anxious.
[SPEAKER_00]: Others of you are gonna be like, my kid's not anxious at all.
[SPEAKER_00]: I don't need to listen to that.
[SPEAKER_00]: And maybe your kid is and you just haven't noticed it yet.
[SPEAKER_00]: Or maybe one of your kids will be at one point.
[SPEAKER_00]: So the reality is that one and eight current stats, one and eight kids will be diagnosed with an actual anxiety disorder.
[SPEAKER_00]: But we all know, and we all feel, and research is coming out left and right, that that stat is actually much higher.
[SPEAKER_00]: Because think about all the kids that are never going to actually be in a psychiatrist office, being clinically diagnosed.
[SPEAKER_00]: But we'll wrestle with anxiety their whole life.
[SPEAKER_00]: Think about you, the listener.
[SPEAKER_00]: Maybe you've never had a psychiatrist say, you have generalized anxiety disorder.
[SPEAKER_00]: But you know you wrestle anxiety every single day.
[SPEAKER_00]: And that is just part of the world that we live in.
[SPEAKER_00]: I think in many ways it always has been and we didn't have language for it.
[SPEAKER_00]: But we all know and we all feel that it is a problem that has grown worse over time.
[SPEAKER_00]: It's not a new problem, but it is something that I think has grown worse over time.
[SPEAKER_00]: We have this ability as parents, and we're seeing it firsthand in our own kids' lives, of being able to significantly help our kids.
[SPEAKER_00]: We can't protect them from feeling anxious, and that's we're going to get into that.
[SPEAKER_00]: That actually is not helpful.
[SPEAKER_00]: But we can starting at a really young age, help them build tools and rhythms to face their anxiety, and to really conquer parts of it.
[SPEAKER_00]: and at least have tools to know what to do as they feel it as they get older.
[SPEAKER_00]: And so it's just great like weight and responsibility.
[SPEAKER_00]: And and it is possible.
[SPEAKER_00]: We've seen it firsthand.
[SPEAKER_00]: Really what started us on even beginning to learn about this was our daughter Scarlet and she's very open about her anxiety.
[SPEAKER_00]: She's very okay with us telling stories about it.
[SPEAKER_00]: because she's kind of proud of it because she's proud of how far she's come.
[SPEAKER_00]: But when she was eight, she was so anxious.
[SPEAKER_00]: We felt like we had no tools.
[SPEAKER_00]: We didn't understand what was happening.
[SPEAKER_00]: We saw her being so greatly limited.
[SPEAKER_00]: in her life and we needed help and so that's actually how we met Sally who's been on the podcast over and over.
[SPEAKER_00]: We got her name from a friend and we started taking Scarlet simply because she was so anxious there were a lot of things she couldn't do and it
[SPEAKER_00]: revolutionized her life, not just the therapy, but in us as her parents understanding what was happening, understanding how to help her and understanding that it wasn't just that she needed a therapist to help her.
[SPEAKER_00]: We as her parents needed a therapist to help us help her because with your kids,
[SPEAKER_00]: You parents really are the greatest tool for help for your kids and the things that they struggle with.
[SPEAKER_00]: And oftentimes we need somebody to educate us so that we can know what's helpful, what's not, and begin that process.
[SPEAKER_00]: But for us, it was, that's how we met Sally, was because we had that great news where it started for us and then has grown and we need a lot more help.
[SPEAKER_05]: But there is, I mean, I think it's also as we're talking, there's biblical foundation for this.
[SPEAKER_05]: So I mean, there's tons of scripture.
[SPEAKER_05]: Do not fear is the most common command in scripture.
[SPEAKER_05]: And I think it's way to be really careful with that one because yes, that's a command.
[SPEAKER_05]: But that doesn't mean, don't feel anxious because it doesn't work that way.
[SPEAKER_05]: So I think do not fear is one part of this.
[SPEAKER_05]: But it is not as simple as just saying, well, just don't have anxiety about it.
[SPEAKER_05]: Just don't worry.
[SPEAKER_05]: Because that is an answer for that's an answer of the naive or someone that just doesn't understand how the brain works or how anxiety actually works.
[SPEAKER_05]: That's just a copy of the answer to make the person who's feeling uncomfortable by someone else's anxiety feel better about it.
[SPEAKER_02]: Yeah.
[SPEAKER_05]: And so, do not fear is yes, a responsibility to learn how do we step into a place that we don't experience anxiety controlling and ruling over our lives.
[SPEAKER_05]: John Orberg talks about that as a the cold comfort zone.
[SPEAKER_05]: He talked about that in this book.
[SPEAKER_05]: I know I've read some of it.
[SPEAKER_05]: You've read more of it than I have, but steps.
[SPEAKER_05]: I'm supposed to read a quote.
[SPEAKER_05]: Am I supposed to read that?
[SPEAKER_00]: Yeah, before you read that quote, I
[SPEAKER_00]: That command in the Scriptures do not fear is almost always accompanied with, do not fear, go do the thing that scares you.
[SPEAKER_00]: And I think we missed that.
[SPEAKER_00]: We say all the time, we'll do not fear.
[SPEAKER_00]: I'm just not supposed to fear.
[SPEAKER_00]: Well, we all know that doesn't actually work.
[SPEAKER_00]: But if you actually look at it in the Scriptures and you read the stories of the Bible,
[SPEAKER_00]: Over and over and over again.
[SPEAKER_00]: God says, do not fear.
[SPEAKER_00]: He says that specifically and personally to the person who is scared.
[SPEAKER_00]: And then he calls them to go do the scary thing, which as we're going to unpack here a little bit is actually how we face our anxiety and how it loses its grip on us.
[SPEAKER_00]: But think of Moses who is terrified, who was like, I can't go talk to these people.
[SPEAKER_00]: I can't even speak clearly.
[SPEAKER_00]: Like he's terrified.
[SPEAKER_00]: He doesn't want to go do it.
[SPEAKER_00]: And God says, do not be afraid.
[SPEAKER_00]: Moses now go confront Pharaoh.
[SPEAKER_00]: Think of Elijah.
[SPEAKER_00]: He says, do not be afraid of Elijah.
[SPEAKER_00]: Now go confront and face Jezebel.
[SPEAKER_00]: Think of Joseph when he's scared to proceed in marriage with Mary because of all that will mean for his reputation and for hers.
[SPEAKER_00]: and he has the dream, do not be afraid.
[SPEAKER_00]: Now go marry her.
[SPEAKER_00]: And I think that's important to note is that the command is do not fear.
[SPEAKER_00]: The call is go do the thing that scares you and the promises that God will be with you.
[SPEAKER_00]: That is what we get to model and teach our kids and we're going to unpack like how do we do that?
[SPEAKER_00]: But I love the quote, you're about to read from John Artberg and think of your kids and how much you want to comfort them and protect them from the things that scare them.
[SPEAKER_00]: But that's not always helpful.
[SPEAKER_05]: No, it's not.
[SPEAKER_05]: He says, John over here, great human.
[SPEAKER_05]: When we don't take action, we often call this staying in our comfort zone.
[SPEAKER_05]: But that's a bad name for it.
[SPEAKER_05]: It's really the cold comfort zone because missing out on life and calling encourages actually life draining and not life giving, I couldn't agree more.
[SPEAKER_05]: And when we take action, we feel a surge of relief and power and God with us.
[SPEAKER_05]: Often, the fears we've felt in the cold comfort zone don't trouble us nearly as much when we're moving directly towards them.
[SPEAKER_05]: And then he just asked the question, so what are you afraid of?
[SPEAKER_05]: And I think that's such a, so many beautiful things.
[SPEAKER_05]: But yes, we have to move towards it.
[SPEAKER_05]: It's a big part.
[SPEAKER_05]: So why don't you help us understand?
[SPEAKER_05]: And why don't we talk about really quick?
[SPEAKER_05]: Just understanding anxiety as a whole because I think again,
[SPEAKER_05]: There's a lot of people that will spit all sort of knowledge about this.
[SPEAKER_05]: We are not coming to try to educate you on something that we're experts on again, we're not, but we are practitioners of learning how to do this in our own home.
[SPEAKER_05]: And so we are telling you like in real time,
[SPEAKER_05]: Here's what we've experienced.
[SPEAKER_05]: Here's been our struggle in our pain points.
[SPEAKER_05]: And so we're not trying to say, hey, you don't know about anxiety.
[SPEAKER_05]: Some of you listening, you're going to know far more about it than we are.
[SPEAKER_05]: But we can tell you how it's impacted our life and home and how we've had to try to navigate, helping our kids through it.
[SPEAKER_05]: And ourselves through it, and I'm telling you, it is more complex than deeper you dig your like, whoa, I didn't realize how deep this was, how sneaky it was.
[SPEAKER_05]: So let's talk, let's understand a little bit more about this.
[SPEAKER_00]: Yeah, anxiety is not always a bad thing.
[SPEAKER_00]: That's a really important thing that we all need to remember and know.
[SPEAKER_00]: We need anxiety to do certain tasks and to accomplish certain things.
[SPEAKER_00]: The class we took on parenting kids with anxiety was like a group therapy, eight week class type of thing.
[SPEAKER_00]: It was so incredibly helpful.
[SPEAKER_00]: And the person teaching it had her PhD and she said, I could never have gotten my PhD without a certain level of anxiety.
[SPEAKER_00]: I needed a certain level of anxiety to push me to finish it.
[SPEAKER_00]: to write all that I needed to write and to actually be able to accomplish that.
[SPEAKER_00]: If you think of like skydiving, which I will never do, because my anxiety about it would be far too high.
[SPEAKER_00]: But even if you want to do it and you decide to do it, having anxiety about skydiving is a healthy, normal response.
[SPEAKER_00]: And it might be that anxiety that makes you actually be able to do that thing.
[SPEAKER_05]: So what does it say when you can, like, with very little thought just jump out of a plane?
[SPEAKER_05]: Because I feel like I would just, I would not even, not even a thing.
[SPEAKER_05]: I'd do it in a second.
[SPEAKER_05]: Haven't done it.
[SPEAKER_00]: I don't know what that says about you.
[SPEAKER_05]: That's, I mean, I'm like, I'm actually a little concerned, like, am I so disconnected?
[SPEAKER_05]: Mate, that's actually probably, this association is big for me.
[SPEAKER_00]: So let's keep making so.
[SPEAKER_00]: Disassociating from your anxiety about jumping out of the plane.
[SPEAKER_00]: I don't know.
[SPEAKER_05]: Got to turn it off.
[SPEAKER_00]: But anxiety becomes a problem when it becomes out of hand and tries too much to be helpful to try to keep us safe from things that we don't actually need to be safe from.
[SPEAKER_00]: So like an example is if there's a fire alarm going off,
[SPEAKER_00]: Every ten second screaming fire, but really all you're doing is making dinner.
[SPEAKER_00]: The stove's on.
[SPEAKER_00]: There's no actual fire that is of danger.
[SPEAKER_00]: But your brain is telling you, this is a fire, this is a problem, this is a problem.
[SPEAKER_00]: But in reality, it's, you are safe.
[SPEAKER_00]: It is a daily thing that needs to happen.
[SPEAKER_00]: It's not actually a fire.
[SPEAKER_00]: And so that's, that's how it can be so sneaky is because we can be having that fire alarm going off in our minds or our kids can.
[SPEAKER_00]: But we're actually okay and we just can't see that it's okay and really our anxiety is trying to help us.
[SPEAKER_00]: My absolute favorite scene in insight out to and my kids are so sick of me quoting it because I quoted all the time is when
[SPEAKER_00]: you know, all the all the different parts, uh, because it's internal family systems and the best movies ever actually I love inside.
[SPEAKER_05]: I don't know like that movie.
[SPEAKER_05]: I like the message of it, but it's very chaotic.
[SPEAKER_00]: Yes, but inside out to they introduced this new character and it's name is anxiety.
[SPEAKER_05]: So yes.
[SPEAKER_00]: And it's introduced in like an adolescent brain, but this anxiety character shows up and
[SPEAKER_05]: Are you kidding?
[SPEAKER_05]: You're explaining this like nobody knows.
[SPEAKER_05]: Everybody has seen this.
[SPEAKER_05]: They're kids have seen this.
[SPEAKER_00]: Oh, yes, but they're like they're here.
[SPEAKER_00]: He's puzzled.
[SPEAKER_00]: They're holding all these shopping bags and they hold up the bags and she, I think it's a she comes right up and goes here to help.
[SPEAKER_00]: And that's exactly what Andy does.
[SPEAKER_00]: It's all frazzled.
[SPEAKER_00]: It's all intense.
[SPEAKER_00]: And it's trying to help you.
[SPEAKER_02]: It's a good visual.
[SPEAKER_00]: But it's not actually helping you.
[SPEAKER_00]: And one really important thing to know for us parents who are raising children who will likely struggle with anxiety in some way, shape or form is that anxiety gets worse over time without support or intervention.
[SPEAKER_00]: It doesn't just go away, we don't just naturally grow out of it.
[SPEAKER_00]: There are certain things we do grow out of, mature out of, are brain develops out of.
[SPEAKER_00]: Anxiety is not one of those things.
[SPEAKER_00]: If left untreated, undoubted with, especially if it's like a significant part of your child's life,
[SPEAKER_00]: It will get worse over time.
[SPEAKER_00]: It will not get better.
[SPEAKER_00]: And we've seen, I feel like we've seen both spectrums in our house recently with our daughter Scarlet who had intervention starting at eight, we've seen it get a lot better over time.
[SPEAKER_00]: She's still anxiety is a huge demon for her.
[SPEAKER_00]: But she faces it left and right just this week.
[SPEAKER_00]: She's doing something really hard that she never would have been able to do a couple years ago.
[SPEAKER_00]: She's anxious as can be, but she is determined that she's still going to do it.
[SPEAKER_00]: A couple years ago, she couldn't have done that.
[SPEAKER_05]: It was top three.
[SPEAKER_00]: With our daughter, Birdie, who we actually went to the class for because she significantly struggles with anxiety.
[SPEAKER_00]: It was not obvious until probably like a year ago that we recognized, oh my gosh, she is like severely anxious.
[SPEAKER_00]: And right now it's getting worse before it gets better.
[SPEAKER_00]: So we're right in the thick of it with helping her face her anxiety and giving her tools.
[SPEAKER_00]: But I think that's important that we have to have that framework as parents as it doesn't go away over time.
[SPEAKER_00]: It actually gets worse.
[SPEAKER_00]: And there's a lot we can do to help, which we're going to get into.
[SPEAKER_00]: I think it's important to highlight and I think we both resonate with each of these is that there are oftentimes two like parental responses to our kids anxiety.
[SPEAKER_00]: These aren't like parenting styles like a style in which you deal with things with your kids.
[SPEAKER_00]: They're really just our parental responses.
[SPEAKER_00]: They're most common to our kids anxiety.
[SPEAKER_00]: They're demanding and protecting.
[SPEAKER_00]: So let's talk about demanding first.
[SPEAKER_00]: and usually that looks like it's not conscious, but demanding that our kids don't feel anxious or don't act as if they feel anxious.
[SPEAKER_00]: Like a shedding it down, you don't need to be scared or sometimes.
[SPEAKER_00]: It doesn't have to be harsh.
[SPEAKER_00]: Sometimes it can just be, you don't need to be afraid.
[SPEAKER_05]: I don't like this one.
[SPEAKER_00]: Why don't you like this one?
[SPEAKER_05]: This is what I do and I hate it.
[SPEAKER_05]: I don't sound racist this way in so many ways.
[SPEAKER_05]: And so I feel like to turn that off is so hard.
[SPEAKER_05]: I mean, it's so hard to be like, just don't be scared.
[SPEAKER_02]: Yeah.
[SPEAKER_05]: And it doesn't sound when you're in a calm place, it sounds so silly.
[SPEAKER_05]: And then at the very same time, it's so hard because that's my natural reaction is to just be like,
[SPEAKER_05]: Hey, just stop like stopping and he's just don't you know, it never ever works, but it is the most natural thing I go to and and these are what I'm on the highlighting these two areas is not to shame.
[SPEAKER_00]: It's really just to identify like which one do you lean to?
[SPEAKER_05]: Why am I identifying right now?
[SPEAKER_00]: Yeah, exactly.
[SPEAKER_00]: And, and their natural human responses because our kids just comfort makes us uncomfortable.
[SPEAKER_05]: Yeah, big time.
[SPEAKER_00]: And we have different responses to that, rescuing them, shutting it down, you know, just really to ease our own anxiety.
[SPEAKER_00]: But that demanding
[SPEAKER_00]: like leaning towards demanding end of things over time really does lead to anger and frustration, distance from your kids because they don't feel seen and they're not actually supported in that moment.
[SPEAKER_00]: We're not actually giving them any tools when we do that.
[SPEAKER_00]: The other one is like the opposite end of the spectrum and could be seen as really good, but actually has a lot of problems just as much as being demanding as is protecting.
[SPEAKER_00]: Wanting our kids not to experience the distress that comes when they feel anxiety.
[SPEAKER_00]: and allowing them or even helping them escape situations that make them feel anxious.
[SPEAKER_00]: And this one's tricky because
[SPEAKER_00]: as a good-hearted parent we want to protect our kids.
[SPEAKER_00]: We don't want them to feel discomfort.
[SPEAKER_00]: That's because you're a good parent.
[SPEAKER_00]: But if we don't understand where the discomfort is coming from and we don't understand anxiety over time that actually sends the message to their brain that I, as the parent, I don't believe that you're safe.
[SPEAKER_00]: I believe you do need to avoid this to be safe.
[SPEAKER_00]: And I don't believe you can do it.
[SPEAKER_00]: And that's like one of the worst things.
[SPEAKER_05]: But that's so subtle because you think you're just, you know, aiding your kid by saying, I'm going to walk you to class every day, or I'm going to do, you know, whatever the thing, very normal thing, a very normal everyday thing.
[SPEAKER_00]: I'm gonna lay with you all the way until you fall asleep.
[SPEAKER_05]: That is where it becomes so sneaky because most people that are all the families that were in the class that we were in were all very well-meaning, very thoughtful, very good parents.
[SPEAKER_05]: Actually, in many parts, we are the worst types to actually aid the anxiety she was able to talk about this.
[SPEAKER_05]: She's like,
[SPEAKER_05]: We end up because we want to help our kids.
[SPEAKER_05]: We want to give them a leg up, but it's not on purpose.
[SPEAKER_05]: We're unintentionally in many ways, giving into their anxiety because we want to help and then it shows up in all these sneaky ways.
[SPEAKER_05]: So when they're like, I just I really don't want to
[SPEAKER_05]: Like when your kid is demanding something you're asking for, something that literally disrupts the whole family and the whole family has to bend for that one person's need, you have got to stop and go, hey, that actually might be something more than just a preference.
[SPEAKER_05]: That is potentially anxiety.
[SPEAKER_05]: And what's interesting, I see this for a lot of families, you yourself maybe haven't identified your own anxiety.
[SPEAKER_05]: So you call it normal.
[SPEAKER_05]: They call it normal because it's the water that you, it's the air you breathe, so water you swim and so you don't notice it at the very same time it is becoming something that doesn't aid them and causes all of this control that is not realistic that you're giving them out of help but honestly it's a disservice in the long run.
[SPEAKER_00]: Yeah, and we're going to talk actually further about that in a minute here.
[SPEAKER_00]: But before we do, maybe just let's talk for a minute about what anxiety can look like.
[SPEAKER_04]: Yeah, like going to science.
[SPEAKER_00]: Yeah, I think I used to think that anxiety looked like out loud worry, like catastrophizing, which you can, which absolutely can.
[SPEAKER_00]: And for one of our kids, it does look like that.
[SPEAKER_00]: Always thinking of the worst case scenario.
[SPEAKER_00]: We were at a lake once, and I remember Scarlett's years ago.
[SPEAKER_00]: We were camping at the lake, like in these cabins, and this beautiful view of the lake, and Scarlett was genuinely worried that there would be a tsunami.
[SPEAKER_00]: And I had to walk her through that talk her through that.
[SPEAKER_00]: Her anxiety was, is and was very obvious.
[SPEAKER_00]: But it's the more sneaky ones that I didn't recognize for a long time worrying, anxiety, and several of my kids exhibit these.
[SPEAKER_00]: It can look like control.
[SPEAKER_00]: And even for the ones that worry out loud, it often looks like control, wanting to know every detail of the schedule, wanting to have input of every detail of the schedule, needing to know what time everything's happening, but they're asking it in a persistent way like they have to know it.
[SPEAKER_00]: They can't not know it.
[SPEAKER_00]: Or maybe they're micromanaging you.
[SPEAKER_00]: Um, hey, do you should probably get your shoes on?
[SPEAKER_00]: We need to be there on time or hey, you know, like keeping an eye out for the same.
[SPEAKER_00]: It can look like perfectionism.
[SPEAKER_00]: It can look like avoidance.
[SPEAKER_00]: This is the big one.
[SPEAKER_00]: The kids that we think are lazy.
[SPEAKER_00]: We can be so hard on them.
[SPEAKER_00]: They're just not.
[SPEAKER_00]: remembering to do things.
[SPEAKER_00]: They're just not getting themselves up out the door.
[SPEAKER_00]: They're just not turning in the job application or whatever it might be using real life.
[SPEAKER_00]: That's not because it's that's a real life example.
[SPEAKER_05]: Just laughing because you're using.
[SPEAKER_05]: Yeah.
[SPEAKER_00]: Anyway, yes, but asking those kids questions.
[SPEAKER_00]: Hey, are you avoiding this thing because you're possibly feeling anxious?
[SPEAKER_00]: It can look like many of us know this.
[SPEAKER_00]: Physical symptoms, headaches, stomach aches, huge one, nail biting.
[SPEAKER_00]: This is a big one for birdies.
[SPEAKER_00]: She has almost no nails right now because when she's really anxious, she choose on her fingers.
[SPEAKER_00]: It can look like this is another sneaky one.
[SPEAKER_00]: Asking the same question over and over and over again.
[SPEAKER_00]: Are you sure you're gonna be there on time to pick me up?
[SPEAKER_00]: What time are you gonna be there?
[SPEAKER_00]: Or asking the plan over and over and over again.
[SPEAKER_00]: This one was so sneaky.
[SPEAKER_00]: We didn't even realize this was a major issue for one of our kids until the first time a behavioral therapist was in our house our first session.
[SPEAKER_00]: And at the end, she just said, you are answering her questions way too many times.
[SPEAKER_00]: We're like, what are you talking about?
[SPEAKER_00]: And she highlighted, she's asking you the same question over and over and over again.
[SPEAKER_00]: And then she had to coach us, you need to give her two times that she can ask the question.
[SPEAKER_00]: You can ask me twice.
[SPEAKER_00]: And after you've asked me twice, I'm going to say, ask and answer.
[SPEAKER_00]: you asked that question, I gave you the answer, and I'm not gonna answer it again.
[SPEAKER_00]: Because us answering the same question over and over again was us accommodating that anxiety.
[SPEAKER_00]: So those are just, there's more, but I think those are some of the things we need to be just on watch for.
[SPEAKER_00]: And maybe if one of those things resonated where you're like, oh my gosh, my kid does that one.
[SPEAKER_00]: Just start to notice and start to ask them questions if they're old enough.
[SPEAKER_00]: Like, hey, are you feeling kind of anxious right now?
[SPEAKER_00]: And then you might have to peel back the layers, ask them some of the physical symptoms, ask them because it might take them a while to connect that they're actually worrying about something.
[SPEAKER_05]: Yeah, I think that's a huge part.
[SPEAKER_05]: So those are the signs.
[SPEAKER_05]: Let's talk about what we can do.
[SPEAKER_05]: Because I think at the end of the day, I'll think the first one if that's okay.
[SPEAKER_05]: Yeah, I think you have to educate yourself.
[SPEAKER_05]: You have to learn about anxiety.
[SPEAKER_05]: You have to learn what it is, how it shows up.
[SPEAKER_05]: And this isn't a fun one to learn about.
[SPEAKER_05]: I don't know about you, but I'm not like eagerly wanting to learn about anxiety.
[SPEAKER_05]: Some people love this stuff.
[SPEAKER_05]: But I mean, I mean that in the sense of like you can't
[SPEAKER_05]: Pretend that it doesn't exist.
[SPEAKER_05]: There's a whole generation, unfortunately, that kind of even will question if anxiety is real, because I didn't struggle with anxiety.
[SPEAKER_05]: And at the end of the day, it is because your whole life has been built around your anxiety and you don't even see it because the way you built your life was a way to actually cope with all the different things that you feel.
[SPEAKER_05]: You didn't have language for it.
[SPEAKER_05]: That's understandable.
[SPEAKER_05]: There's no shade on that, but
[SPEAKER_05]: dismissing it as a thing now that there is language is not helpful.
[SPEAKER_05]: So you have to educate yourself in a big way on that and you have to actually take some time to like logically explain to your anxious kids that they don't need like when you try to logically explain that they don't ever need to be anxious.
[SPEAKER_05]: It's not going to help.
[SPEAKER_05]: They need tools.
[SPEAKER_05]: They need to understand how to do it.
[SPEAKER_05]: So you have to educate yourself.
[SPEAKER_00]: Yeah, and then second one, this is huge.
[SPEAKER_00]: We touched on this a little bit already, but we have to notice where we are accommodating their anxiety and change course.
[SPEAKER_00]: And so what that means is kind of what we talked about at the beginning with the protecting parent.
[SPEAKER_00]: where we are either aiding our kids in escaping the thing that makes them feel anxious by allowing them to not do it.
[SPEAKER_00]: And this is this is tricky waters here because there might be some that would listen that say, yes, I'm going to make my kid play a sport even though they hate it because it's good for him and it's character building.
[SPEAKER_00]: I'm not talking about that.
[SPEAKER_00]: Like there is a world in which your kid might not actually be ready for something or they just might not like something.
[SPEAKER_00]: But we're talking about like the things that are impacting your everyday life.
[SPEAKER_00]: And so some of those things, a huge one is sleep.
[SPEAKER_00]: This was big for us.
[SPEAKER_00]: We had some kids sleeping in our room for a very long period of time because of anxiety and it took a long time to work through it.
[SPEAKER_00]: They are now sleeping in their room.
[SPEAKER_00]: Praise Jesus.
[SPEAKER_05]: Not just in our room, both were just, yeah, both were just hard.
[SPEAKER_00]: So might be anxiety around sleep, might be anxiety, like separation, anxiety about going to school or going to a friend's house, or doing something without you, things like that.
[SPEAKER_00]: So not, and you know, you have wisdom.
[SPEAKER_00]: and discernment into your kids' life of what they are actually capable of.
[SPEAKER_00]: But noticing the areas where you are allowing them to not do something because they feel anxious about it, or where you are giving them too much help.
[SPEAKER_00]: It's developmentally appropriate for them to be doing something on their own with your support.
[SPEAKER_00]: and you present, but without your help.
[SPEAKER_00]: So, and again, this can be sneaky.
[SPEAKER_00]: Like in this last we took, one of the situations was the seven year old who couldn't brush his own teeth.
[SPEAKER_00]: His mom had to do it, because he was anxious that he wouldn't do a good enough job.
[SPEAKER_00]: So, the thing she brought that she wanted to really change is she's like, he's seven.
[SPEAKER_00]: I want to be able to brush his own teeth.
[SPEAKER_00]: You know, so some of these are sneaky things, but you're looking for the root.
[SPEAKER_00]: Is there anxiety behind
[SPEAKER_00]: the thing that my kids still needs help with or is terrified to do on their own or maybe I am staying in the school parking lot for a half hour because that makes my kid feel better or you know what the things are you're already as I'm talking able to identify what those things are but what are you as a parent
[SPEAKER_00]: accommodating and making happen so that your kid doesn't have to feel those feelings of discomfort or maybe you don't have to face your feelings of discomfort when they feel comfortable.
[SPEAKER_00]: And the reality is when we let them avoid those things, we're sending their brain the message that I don't believe you can do it and that you're not safe.
[SPEAKER_00]: That is the last thing we want to be doing.
[SPEAKER_00]: We want to be sending the message that I'm here for you.
[SPEAKER_00]: And so this is where it's so tricky for us well-meaning good-hearted parents.
[SPEAKER_00]: But it's that idea of like, when our kids are young and they're first around water, we put floaties on them.
[SPEAKER_00]: Like those puddle-drumber things, our kids always call them floaties.
[SPEAKER_00]: To keep them safe because we don't want them to drown.
[SPEAKER_00]: That's good.
[SPEAKER_00]: That's a good thing.
[SPEAKER_00]: But if they use them forever, they will never learn to swim without them.
[SPEAKER_00]: They'll actually be embarrassed later and unsafe around water because they won't learn how to swim.
[SPEAKER_05]: We just love to see our sixteen year olds trying to put one of those on.
[SPEAKER_00]: I guarantee you they make an adult one somewhere.
[SPEAKER_05]: Sure.
[SPEAKER_05]: So I think, I mean, because we have a lot more to cover.
[SPEAKER_05]: We have to notice where we're accommodating.
[SPEAKER_05]: We have to notice like where are those places where you can actually relieve and give some space.
[SPEAKER_05]: And some permission to them to say, no, no, you can do this.
[SPEAKER_05]: And again, this is going to be, this is a learning curve.
[SPEAKER_05]: We're telling you things that take a long time to live out that first time you might tell them, like, what are you talking about?
[SPEAKER_05]: You've always done this.
[SPEAKER_05]: Like, you have to do it, right?
[SPEAKER_05]: Even that is anxiety.
[SPEAKER_05]: Like, whoa, you're taking away the thing that I've used to deal with my anxiety.
[SPEAKER_05]: You're not going to do it anymore.
[SPEAKER_05]: like that's massive and so you have to that's calculated and again this is where this is not a master class this is a conversation to get you curious to help you understand to take you to further education to help you to get dive deep this conversation today that you're listening to is not going to be the end all be all to make sure that like you to thread this needle but it is a conversation to help you be aware so
[SPEAKER_00]: So let's talk about, I'd put it in the next section, but it makes most sense to go here now.
[SPEAKER_00]: If you are recognizing you're accommodating.
[SPEAKER_00]: What can you do instead now today?
[SPEAKER_00]: You're saying, and it's really important to highlight, you can't just rip off the bandaid and say, I'm not going to accommodate anywhere.
[SPEAKER_00]: That's too much too fast for your kid.
[SPEAKER_00]: If this has been a regular thing that you're letting them avoid or you're letting them sleep in your room or you're falling asleep with them at night, for example, if it's around sleep.
[SPEAKER_00]: You can't just withdraw everything all at once.
[SPEAKER_00]: You will overload them with anxiety.
[SPEAKER_00]: You have to titrate it in a little bit.
[SPEAKER_05]: But you said something alone.
[SPEAKER_05]: I remember because what you just said, I know we have something else to say, which is very important.
[SPEAKER_05]: But you just said something that I think is easy to miss and was the big, like, aha, light bulb moment for me personally.
[SPEAKER_05]: Yeah.
[SPEAKER_05]: I asked the question in the class, like, okay, if we have one of our kids sleeping in our room because they're scared to sleep on their own, then what are we to do?
[SPEAKER_05]: Like, can we just say, hey, yeah, go to sleep.
[SPEAKER_05]: So I'm gonna go to sleep.
[SPEAKER_05]: Like, go in your room, deal with it.
[SPEAKER_05]: Like, what do we do?
[SPEAKER_05]: She goes, oh no, no, no, no.
[SPEAKER_05]: You have to have the right dosage.
[SPEAKER_05]: And she used this medical word that you would apply for medication.
[SPEAKER_05]: in the same frame as dealing with and processing through the process of their anxiety.
[SPEAKER_05]: And so I think it's an important phrase.
[SPEAKER_05]: You can't just do a hundred percent of the dose that if you need to titrate up, you have to start slow and build up.
[SPEAKER_05]: And that's a really important factor to not cause more harm unintentionally.
[SPEAKER_05]: And I, you know, we were at the space for like, well, we'll just do whatever works.
[SPEAKER_05]: If that's what works, you know, like we were, we're dead.
[SPEAKER_05]: We were down to do anything in the sense of like as long as it was going to help.
[SPEAKER_05]: But once he said, no, no, this is like medication.
[SPEAKER_05]: It just finally turned on for me in a way.
[SPEAKER_05]: I was like, oh, yeah.
[SPEAKER_05]: This is so different.
[SPEAKER_00]: And that's compassion, right?
[SPEAKER_00]: Like we're having compassion, not just, okay, I'm done with this.
[SPEAKER_00]: or having compassion and meeting them where they actually are, but leading them up to where we know they can get and we know they want to be in the long run.
[SPEAKER_00]: And so what you can start with today is by acknowledging to them, they're called supportive statements.
[SPEAKER_00]: But by you saying, let's take the example of sleep.
[SPEAKER_00]: By you acknowledging to your kid at bedtime.
[SPEAKER_00]: Hey, I just want you to know that I noticed that sleep is really scary to you.
[SPEAKER_00]: Like the whole process falling to sleep, the thought of being alone, that makes you feel really anxious.
[SPEAKER_00]: Like acknowledging that and then what you say next is really important.
[SPEAKER_00]: But I believe that you can do it and that you are brave and that you can sleep on your own.
[SPEAKER_00]: I know you can.
[SPEAKER_00]: That's actually how they feel support.
[SPEAKER_00]: Not by, hey, I see that you're really scared.
[SPEAKER_00]: You can just sleep in my room every night or I'm going to lay with you till you fall asleep every night.
[SPEAKER_00]: But really starting to build in these regular things we say to them when we notice that they're that they're feeling anxious.
[SPEAKER_00]: If we're able to say, hey, I'm seeing that you're feeling really anxious about that.
[SPEAKER_00]: I want you to know, I believe that you're really brave, and you can do really hard things.
[SPEAKER_00]: You're both helping them notice that they feel anxious, and you're also communicating to them, hey, I see you.
[SPEAKER_00]: And I see that you are trying to put on a good face, or I see that you're terrified, or whatever it might be, but hey, I also believe in you.
[SPEAKER_00]: You don't believe that you can do it right now.
[SPEAKER_00]: But I know there's no actual scary monster.
[SPEAKER_00]: We don't say that a lot.
[SPEAKER_00]: But we do know that as their parents.
[SPEAKER_00]: And I think that's tying back to God saying over and over again, do not fear for I am with you.
[SPEAKER_00]: If you don't need to be afraid or discouraged because I'm going to go with you in Joshua one.
[SPEAKER_00]: That is what we are doing as a parent.
[SPEAKER_00]: We're saying like, hey, I see your fear.
[SPEAKER_00]: But here, I know actually that there's nothing under the bed.
[SPEAKER_00]: I know that you're going to be okay walking into school.
[SPEAKER_00]: I know, like, because we have a view that our kid doesn't have in that moment.
[SPEAKER_00]: And it's not that we have to say that, hey, like, I know you're going to be fine.
[SPEAKER_00]: But really saying, I believe in you.
[SPEAKER_00]: Like, I support you.
[SPEAKER_00]: I see you.
[SPEAKER_00]: That may not feel like enough and it's going to move the needle on something.
[SPEAKER_00]: But if you do that over and over and over again, your kid starts to believe in themselves.
[SPEAKER_00]: Like they start to believe, okay, like hey, the person who's closest to me really does believe in me and does believe I can do it.
[SPEAKER_00]: And then as you start to pull back some of the ways you're accommodating,
[SPEAKER_00]: They also know that means like, hey, I'm not going to let you out of this completely because I love you, but I'm right here with you.
[SPEAKER_00]: And so that is something you can start today.
[SPEAKER_00]: Even if you're still needing to accommodate a little bit longer or really slowly pull back those accommodations, that needs to be a regular thing we say to them.
[SPEAKER_00]: I see you.
[SPEAKER_00]: I see the fear and here's what else I see in you.
[SPEAKER_00]: The part of you that you can't see right now, but you got to trust me.
[SPEAKER_00]: I see this in you.
[SPEAKER_05]: Well, let's maybe this scripture.
[SPEAKER_05]: Yeah.
[SPEAKER_05]: I'll read that really quick.
[SPEAKER_05]: Yeah.
[SPEAKER_05]: I say a forty one ten.
[SPEAKER_05]: It means just highlights this perfectly.
[SPEAKER_05]: So do not fear.
[SPEAKER_05]: I am with you.
[SPEAKER_05]: Do not do not be dismayed for I am your god.
[SPEAKER_05]: This is so exactly what you're talking about.
[SPEAKER_05]: I will strengthen you.
[SPEAKER_05]: I will help you.
[SPEAKER_05]: I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.
[SPEAKER_05]: He's with you.
[SPEAKER_05]: Here's why you don't have to fear.
[SPEAKER_05]: I'm with you.
[SPEAKER_05]: I'm going to strengthen you.
[SPEAKER_05]: I'm going to help you.
[SPEAKER_05]: As parents, supportive statements are like that.
[SPEAKER_05]: They're strengthening them.
[SPEAKER_05]: They're giving your kids strength to believe like, hey, you can actually do this.
[SPEAKER_05]: That's we talked about this.
[SPEAKER_05]: And just the most recent past episode on prayer about this idea that your child will become who you tell them you see them becoming.
[SPEAKER_05]: You don't have to say, you're never anxious, you're not going to be anxious.
[SPEAKER_05]: That's not going to work.
[SPEAKER_05]: But when you're supportive and say, you know, I actually do believe that you can do this.
[SPEAKER_05]: And I know it's hard, but you can do hard things.
[SPEAKER_02]: Yeah.
[SPEAKER_05]: And I think having that almost resolve to tell them that, believe that, from a place of knowing who they really are.
[SPEAKER_05]: And I mean, don't lie to them.
[SPEAKER_05]: If you were really like, man, I don't think they can do this, but you're like, you can do it.
[SPEAKER_05]: Like, that's not helpful.
[SPEAKER_05]: That's just going to question.
[SPEAKER_05]: But if you really think so, and they're just questioning it, then I think you should say, I think you need to say it.
[SPEAKER_05]: That's a big part of it.
[SPEAKER_00]: Yeah, and then if you are like, okay, I want to make a change in how I'm accommodating or enabling the anxiety.
[SPEAKER_00]: If they're old enough, if they're not teeny tiny, tell them.
[SPEAKER_00]: But make it about you as the parent, not
[SPEAKER_00]: Your bad, you are way too anxious about this silly thing.
[SPEAKER_00]: That's not the language we want to use.
[SPEAKER_00]: We put it on us.
[SPEAKER_00]: Hey, I realize I've been accidentally sending you the message that you can't sleep in your bed on your own.
[SPEAKER_00]: By me laying with you every night, I'm kind of telling you I don't think you can do it.
[SPEAKER_00]: But that's not actually true.
[SPEAKER_00]: I know you can do it and I know that you're safe.
[SPEAKER_00]: So starting tomorrow or starting in three days or whatever.
[SPEAKER_00]: I'm going to lay with you for ten minutes and then I'm going to get up.
[SPEAKER_00]: Like you pick something that you feel like you're a kid.
[SPEAKER_05]: Yeah, a pick for time for a pickle.
[SPEAKER_00]: Or one week, I'm going to lay with you for ten minutes.
[SPEAKER_00]: And we're just using the sleep example.
[SPEAKER_00]: It could be totally something else.
[SPEAKER_00]: Food is food is one.
[SPEAKER_00]: It's a lot more complicated.
[SPEAKER_00]: It's very big.
[SPEAKER_00]: Like we could do a whole episode just on that.
[SPEAKER_00]: That's that's a tricky one and harder.
[SPEAKER_00]: We'll take longer.
[SPEAKER_00]: But you pick what you're going to stop doing.
[SPEAKER_00]: And you let them know.
[SPEAKER_00]: I'm going to begin to stop doing this.
[SPEAKER_00]: And this is what it's going to look like.
[SPEAKER_00]: And it'll take some trial and error.
[SPEAKER_00]: It will take some fortitude on your part because they will be uncomfortable.
[SPEAKER_00]: But over time, they will actually become much more courageous.
[SPEAKER_00]: They will be less, much less uncomfortable.
[SPEAKER_00]: Yeah, I think that has been something that has been really transformative for us is to recognize, oh, if I can slowly stop accommodating, I can actually enable my kid to gain some incredible ground in their anxiety.
[SPEAKER_00]: We've seen this firsthand with our most anxious kid.
[SPEAKER_00]: The ground that Bertie has gained and the things that she couldn't do a year ago that she can now do because of the help we've got in this area of recognizing where we were accommodating and slowly pulling it back has just been immense.
[SPEAKER_00]: And I've seen even though she can't fully articulate it with how she's wired and how her brain works.
[SPEAKER_00]: I've seen her own courage and her own confidence grow in recognizing, oh yeah, I can do the really hard thing and it sucks and I hate it, but I can do it.
[SPEAKER_00]: And that's a beautiful gift to get to watch.
[SPEAKER_04]: Absolutely.
[SPEAKER_00]: Yeah.
[SPEAKER_00]: So a few more just practical things of ways that we can show them support and actually help them.
[SPEAKER_00]: We talked a lot about accommodating and the support of statements.
[SPEAKER_00]: That's huge.
[SPEAKER_00]: obvious but needs to be said is get help if this is like a big deal and you have access to any sort of help.
[SPEAKER_00]: get it.
[SPEAKER_00]: And I think the good thing, it can be really difficult to find a therapist that takes your insurance, that knows Jesus, that is a really good fit on a deep emotional level.
[SPEAKER_00]: I think with anxiety and our kids specifically, it's very important that it's a Jesus loving therapist.
[SPEAKER_00]: That's always important.
[SPEAKER_00]: But this type of work because it's more the parent, there's more the therapist helping the parent help the kids.
[SPEAKER_02]: Yeah.
[SPEAKER_00]: There's a lot of therapists that can help in this way.
[SPEAKER_00]: There's even a lot of online therapists.
[SPEAKER_00]: There's online groups.
[SPEAKER_00]: There's a lot of great books, Sissy Gough, Raising Marie Free Girls is a great one, and not even just to girls, but there's a lot.
[SPEAKER_00]: in their read the anxious generation to understand what is happening.
[SPEAKER_00]: All of these are forms of getting help.
[SPEAKER_00]: It doesn't necessarily have to be a practitioner.
[SPEAKER_00]: It could be a practitioner who wrote something really good.
[SPEAKER_00]: And then really over time and this isn't something that happens overnight.
[SPEAKER_00]: It is our job to help our kids find tools that work for them.
[SPEAKER_00]: You mentioned it's beginning.
[SPEAKER_00]: Obviously, there's all the research around deep belly breaths and how they come our nervous system.
[SPEAKER_00]: They work magically.
[SPEAKER_00]: But when you have a young, totally disregulated child, and you tell them to take deep breaths, nine times out of ten, there might be the occasional kid that they know it works, they know it helps, and they will say yes.
[SPEAKER_00]: Take deep breaths with me.
[SPEAKER_00]: Most of the time, they will say absolutely not.
[SPEAKER_00]: So you might have to find and suggest
[SPEAKER_00]: things that they're going to reject at first.
[SPEAKER_00]: It might be going in length next to the dog.
[SPEAKER_00]: Dogs like pets, especially dogs are incredibly regulating if you've got a dog.
[SPEAKER_00]: Suggest that to your anxious kid.
[SPEAKER_00]: Why don't you go take the dog on a walk?
[SPEAKER_00]: Why don't you go?
[SPEAKER_00]: Head the dog.
[SPEAKER_00]: That's why we have a dog.
[SPEAKER_00]: It might be reading a book for some that might like calm the brain down calm the nervous system might be going on a walk or going on a run.
[SPEAKER_00]: or working out for a teenager, it might be talking with a friend.
[SPEAKER_00]: Letting a friend into, hey, I'm feeling really anxious.
[SPEAKER_00]: I just need somebody to talk to.
[SPEAKER_00]: Another funny, practical one, but works is drinking from a straw.
[SPEAKER_00]: It actually helps them breathe.
[SPEAKER_00]: and especially if they're drinking something like a smoothie or something like that, maybe it is just smoothie time.
[SPEAKER_00]: Every time you know your kid is really anxious.
[SPEAKER_05]: It is milkshake time.
[SPEAKER_00]: Exactly whatever works, right?
[SPEAKER_00]: But the point is and maybe none of these things work and it's something else.
[SPEAKER_00]: But finding, helping your child find the things that help.
[SPEAKER_00]: And the beauty is they over time and over time I mean over years and years of repetition and practice.
[SPEAKER_00]: They will start to identify these things in themselves and use tools like our daughter's garlic is thirteen.
[SPEAKER_00]: She tomorrow is getting on a plane early in the morning and going back to a forest home.
[SPEAKER_00]: The camp family camp that we were just at and she's going to be there all week by herself now by herself without us with a bunch of people.
[SPEAKER_00]: But serving at the camp for a week and she is very anxious about it.
[SPEAKER_00]: She's very excited.
[SPEAKER_00]: And she is anxious about feeling anxious.
[SPEAKER_00]: And so the last three days we have talked every day, multiple times a day, she has just said, Mom, I'm just, I'm so anxious about being anxious.
[SPEAKER_00]: I know I'm gonna be okay.
[SPEAKER_00]: I know that it's gonna be fun and I know once I get there, I'm probably gonna be okay.
[SPEAKER_00]: But I'm so anxious that I'm gonna feel anxious that it's making me feel anxious.
[SPEAKER_00]: And she has used so many of the tools that she's found to be helpful over time.
[SPEAKER_00]: And one of them is bringing it to me and saying, I'm feeling all of this in my body.
[SPEAKER_00]: And I just need to tell somebody.
[SPEAKER_00]: And I just remind her of truth she already knows.
[SPEAKER_00]: that for her it's the build up before something happens the anxiety she feels before the event happens that is always the worst for her and then we talk really honestly of like what's the worst thing that could happen you feel highly anxious the first couple days of camp and that would suck and you would hate it but you would be okay and she agrees yeah totally it would not be fun but I'm not gonna die from it I'd be okay so we're having all of those conversations a couple years ago
[SPEAKER_00]: She never could have done what she's doing.
[SPEAKER_00]: And she wouldn't have been able to have those types of conversations or use all of her own tools unprompted to be able to come things down.
[SPEAKER_00]: She's making herself a plan of who she's going to tell, because she won't be able to talk to me, who she's going to talk to when she's there, what she's going to do if she's highly anxious.
[SPEAKER_00]: She's going to give her friend a heads up that if she's really, really quiet, it's probably because she's feeling anxious.
[SPEAKER_00]: So this is the beauty of what happens over time.
[SPEAKER_00]: Now, does Scarlet no longer struggle with anxiety?
[SPEAKER_00]: No.
[SPEAKER_05]: She has to struggle with it more than ever, but just dealing with it and we're trying to give her tools.
[SPEAKER_05]: And I think the story that you just shared is
[SPEAKER_05]: The goal is not to remove anxiety because I don't think you fully can.
[SPEAKER_05]: It's to give them a tool to operate in the world so that when a beautiful exciting opportunity comes like the one that did for her that the reason she's not going is because of anxiety.
[SPEAKER_05]: It's not because I'm going to be away from you or I might miss you or what if this happens?
[SPEAKER_05]: It's very different and she's willing and able to actually
[SPEAKER_05]: to life.
[SPEAKER_05]: And that's what we want to give our kids is life.
[SPEAKER_05]: And so I know it's a lot to parent the anxious generation.
[SPEAKER_05]: But I think at the very same time, we have this wonderful gift of being able to actually with God's help with practitioners, with wisdom, with patience, with the spirit's help.
[SPEAKER_05]: We can help our kids in a huge way.
[SPEAKER_05]: Any other thoughts?
[SPEAKER_00]: Two very important words slow down.
[SPEAKER_05]: Yeah.
[SPEAKER_00]: The only way to be able, and I am saying this to myself, I am a fast mover.
[SPEAKER_00]: I hate slowing down.
[SPEAKER_00]: The only way to identify these things in our kids, especially the ones that fly under the radar, the sneaky
[SPEAKER_00]: things that are easy to miss.
[SPEAKER_00]: And the only way to be able to be with our kids is if we slow down and we are with them.
[SPEAKER_00]: And it is faster to accommodate.
[SPEAKER_00]: It is faster to do it for them.
[SPEAKER_00]: It is faster to get frustrated and shut it down.
[SPEAKER_00]: It is faster to avoid
[SPEAKER_00]: But the only way to actually help them, that idea that the only way is through.
[SPEAKER_00]: And when they are young, they need us to help get through.
[SPEAKER_00]: And then slowly over time, they have the tools to get through, not by themselves, but with God at their side.
[SPEAKER_00]: And that is really the end goal.
[SPEAKER_00]: There's a phrase that's commonly said in this world of anxiety is do it scared.
[SPEAKER_00]: And that doesn't mean white knuckle your way through, just power through the fear, do it anyway.
[SPEAKER_00]: It's come on, come on anxiety, that little inside out character, come on, come with me, like you're you're coming with me, but we're still doing the thing.
[SPEAKER_00]: And that is what builds that resilience over time, it builds the courage and
[SPEAKER_00]: as we do that with them, as we point them to Jesus in the midst of their fear.
[SPEAKER_00]: The hope and the goal, and we see it happening with our older kids, is that they invite Jesus into those scared places, and that they experience His presence with them in the midst of their fear, that they are able to identify it in themselves and immediately take it to Jesus and say, God, will you be my help?
[SPEAKER_00]: Because that's who you said you are.
[SPEAKER_00]: That's what we want them to be able to do.
[SPEAKER_00]: We can't do that if we don't know it's there ourselves and if we have no tools to know how to do that or to trust that he is good in the midst of our fear.
[SPEAKER_00]: And so this is a responsibility as
[SPEAKER_00]: as we are parents in this time, in this anxious generation.
[SPEAKER_00]: But not in a way that being a burden, I actually feel like it's been one of the most life-giving things as a parent to watch my kids experience freedom in the midst of their anxiety, not necessarily freedom from it, but freedom to be able to do the things they really want to do to live the life they want to live, even in the midst of their anxiety, has been one of the most rewarding things as a parent to get to watch.
[SPEAKER_05]: Wherever you're at, wherever this hits you today, pray this and slow down, ask questions.
[SPEAKER_05]: Spend time with your partner, your spouse sit down, think this through, and ask God to continue to help you in this process of parenting the anxious generation.
[SPEAKER_05]: And you know, even in the book that we mentioned at the beginning, so I didn't see, we have a whole day committed to anxiety, because it's such a lived place.
[SPEAKER_05]: And so you can learn more about that online, but thank you for listening today.