[SPEAKER_03]: Really, really gay podcast that we called that's a gay podcast.
[SPEAKER_03]: Had the gay ass name for a gay ass podcast.
[SPEAKER_03]: Welcome back to that's a gay ass podcast the podcast that asks whose fault is it that your gay it is me Eric Williams and this week my friend Kyle Krieger is here on the podcast now if you follow Kyle you saw a video he posted a couple weeks ago about a health scare he talked about being in the hospital for a full week and the only was he dealing with that terrifying life moment but
[SPEAKER_03]: he also opened up about being sober for seventeen years and then spending the past year outside living outside of sobriety and so I've talked to him in this interview about that fact how he's gone back into sober living and how he feels now in this new chapter of being newly single newly sober and as always he's incredibly
[SPEAKER_03]: present, vulnerable, and real.
[SPEAKER_03]: Now I met Kyle because he did confession hole, which is my glory hole talk show, and you can watch Kyle's entire interview on Substack, along with the other gorgeous glory hole talks there.
[SPEAKER_03]: Please enjoy this interview with the stunning Kyle Krieger.
[SPEAKER_03]: Kyle Krieger is not wearing a blouse, but he has on that's a gay ass podcast.
[SPEAKER_03]: Yeah, show us those fucking tits.
[SPEAKER_00]: It was well little skinny now, but oh wow.
[SPEAKER_00]: Yes, they yesterday is a little you look great.
[SPEAKER_03]: You look great.
[SPEAKER_00]: We're good.
[SPEAKER_03]: No, no, no.
[SPEAKER_03]: I'm thrilled that you decided to bear your whole chest and your emotional hole for this game.
[SPEAKER_00]: I'll put it in the other one too, period.
[SPEAKER_03]: And listen, the link is in the description for the real pink one.
[SPEAKER_03]: Kyle, can I just say that when you agree to do confession hole a few months back, you showed up and you slayed the interview.
[SPEAKER_03]: And then I was so thrilled that we've become Judy's since then.
[SPEAKER_03]: It is, I mean, we will a lot to discuss, but I just want to say thank you for being not only such a great hot content creator, but also person.
[SPEAKER_03]: Thank you for sharing bringing your gorgeous light to this world and for coming on this gas podcast.
[SPEAKER_03]: Before you say anything, I need your take.
[SPEAKER_03]: That in just like that has announced this season is the final season and the four girlies their journey has officially ended after this season.
[SPEAKER_03]: How do you feel?
[SPEAKER_03]: Are you devastated?
[SPEAKER_03]: Are you thrilled or a third thing?
[SPEAKER_03]: Is that a sci-fi show?
[SPEAKER_03]: It's the Sex and the City reboot.
[SPEAKER_03]: Never seen it.
[SPEAKER_03]: You didn't watch a single episode of the adventure just like that?
[SPEAKER_00]: I'm sorry, I just, I'm okay.
[SPEAKER_00]: I'm not that girl.
[SPEAKER_00]: But the girl I am is unlike a sci-fi, like all-watch, like foundation, all-watch, you know, like handmade.
[SPEAKER_00]: There's one called fallout that I'm on Amazon.
[SPEAKER_00]: I love it.
[SPEAKER_00]: Like any sort of like post-apocalyptic sci-fi thing, I'm in.
[SPEAKER_03]: So you're like a nerd girl.
[SPEAKER_03]: Were you ever an original?
[SPEAKER_03]: I mean, hello.
[SPEAKER_03]: Were you ever?
[SPEAKER_03]: Did you ever watch Carrie in the girls or were you never?
[SPEAKER_00]: Yeah, but like in a problematic area.
[SPEAKER_00]: Yeah, of course.
[SPEAKER_00]: When she was like,
[SPEAKER_00]: Ted the T-slur one day and I was in college with my friend named Heather and we lived in like this haunted apartment, which was actually funny.
[SPEAKER_00]: But I remember that she would come home every day and she would have sex in the city seasons like one through six, whatever, and DVD and she would have it on just like all the time.
[SPEAKER_00]: So like I've definitely seen all of the episodes.
[SPEAKER_00]: I've seen the runway one where she falls and trips and the catwalk or the railroad co.
[SPEAKER_00]: And I've seen, you know, like the, the T-slur, and I've seen, I know who big is and I've seen the oil, it's all the wedding with like the flowers in the head and very moved by all of that.
[SPEAKER_00]: It's not that I don't like it.
[SPEAKER_00]: I just don't.
[SPEAKER_00]: I don't know, like that like any sort of sitcom or like comedy or like I don't even know where that would fall.
[SPEAKER_00]: It's not really my cup of tea.
[SPEAKER_00]: Like I don't watch like housewives or reality be yourself.
[SPEAKER_00]: I like more of like cinematic stories.
[SPEAKER_03]: You know, I get that your every it's a different strokes as they say.
[SPEAKER_03]: I actually watch the original series when I need to pick me up because even though it can be problematic.
[SPEAKER_03]: It just feels like I'm hanging out with old girls.
[SPEAKER_03]: Last night I was feeling a little low and so I turned on season three episode, whatever.
[SPEAKER_03]: And it's when Carrie dates a bisexual man and the entire conversation is does bisexuality exist?
[SPEAKER_03]: No, they're just greedy.
[SPEAKER_03]: That's the whole point of the episode.
[SPEAKER_03]: It doesn't exist.
[SPEAKER_00]: You know what, actually, I was in my sister actually, I got identified.
[SPEAKER_00]: She's sort of, I don't know, actually, where she identifies.
[SPEAKER_00]: But for a while, she was identified as bisexual, I think, and also used to work at a Veda, which is like, because hair salon in New York, and it was like this, whatever.
[SPEAKER_00]: And we had this front desk lady, her name was Cynthia, I think, and she was bisexual, and this is like kind of back like back in, not back when I was in college, but I was like, I'm just like, twenty-five, like, neighborhood out of college.
[SPEAKER_00]: So around this era that I was discussing, and I went into work one day and she was like, oh yeah, I'm a bisexual and I was like, that was a really big idea.
[SPEAKER_00]: I got to pick one, and she hit me hard with the lesson.
[SPEAKER_00]: And ever since then, I've been like, I don't know, bisexuals exist, actually support.
[SPEAKER_00]: I mean, what's the point of not supporting?
[SPEAKER_00]: Like it's just like so easy to be like,
[SPEAKER_00]: Great.
[SPEAKER_03]: By people.
[SPEAKER_03]: Well, there was an era where people, it was like accepted to not believe them.
[SPEAKER_03]: No, it's weird.
[SPEAKER_03]: But it's, you know, sexuality is obviously such a spectrum.
[SPEAKER_03]: And I think at a point, I think people just are jealous of bisexual people who are not putting themselves in one
[SPEAKER_03]: camp and they're like able to hook up and enjoy all types of bodies.
[SPEAKER_03]: So I think we're all just projecting our own insecurities that were just one thing.
[SPEAKER_03]: Maybe.
[SPEAKER_00]: Yeah, I'm into that.
[SPEAKER_00]: Like my friend who's bisexual, like he, you know, predominantly, like, I mean, actually like, you know, whenever we're out and like there's like a girl in there, he'll like, I don't know, he like really, you know, it actually feels, this is like, I don't mean to say this in a, like, a weight and they're surprisingly, but it feels legit when I'm with it.
[SPEAKER_00]: Like he, you know, he generally,
[SPEAKER_00]: is attracted to a lot of different types of people and, you know, it feels authentic and I'm really, of course, you know.
[SPEAKER_03]: Yeah, yeah, exactly.
[SPEAKER_03]: We love to see by people living there by bliss.
[SPEAKER_03]: Now Kyle, there's so much that I have on my list to discuss with you.
[SPEAKER_03]: Just a sort of blanket my emotional state.
[SPEAKER_03]: I'm on day four of not smoking weed after smoking it every day for
[SPEAKER_03]: a long while.
[SPEAKER_03]: And so I'm sort of emotionally, um, one might say on the edge, uh, and you've been really, really honest about what you've been going through.
[SPEAKER_03]: And so we're going to get into that part of your life.
[SPEAKER_03]: But I want to kind of start with your gay journey before we get there.
[SPEAKER_03]: So Kyle Krieger, the gay as a podcast question is, who's fault is it that your gay?
[SPEAKER_03]: Who do we blame?
[SPEAKER_00]: That's a good one.
[SPEAKER_00]: I feel it.
[SPEAKER_00]: This is a very standard answer though, so I should maybe be a little bit more mindful about, well, so I grew up on X-Men cartoons.
[SPEAKER_00]: Last Saturday morning, I would go Saturday morning, watch my cartoons, I'd go get my cards, and at the store, and I'd come up with a store on my dad and I would put him in and we would draw, like we would sketch the mutants that we would have in our cards.
[SPEAKER_00]: I was really young, but I remember like drawing like the X-Men, and I would draw like Rogan Storm.
[SPEAKER_00]: We're like my two, like I had them that tattooed on my arm right here.
[SPEAKER_00]: And this sort of like this Japanese style, it's very cool.
[SPEAKER_00]: But so they were sort of like my protectors, which feels very gay.
[SPEAKER_00]: Growing up, just having like these two women that would be like, Poser my like girls.
[SPEAKER_00]: But you know, drawing
[SPEAKER_00]: the male heroes or the male identifying heroes, um, I would just be like so into like their packages and like the abs and the butt like that, that kind of, you know that body that was just like, I want this to just like, suffocate me.
[SPEAKER_00]: Um, and when it's a group, I would like find that sort of body in the Calvin Klein underwear aisle.
[SPEAKER_00]: Um, where I would just like stroll by and like, you know, I was like, oh, like just like looking at it just holding and they used to wear like those cups and stuff.
[SPEAKER_00]: So you can never really see like VPL or anything, but I just like the idea of that.
[SPEAKER_00]: Um, and also like Abercrombie adds like when I got into high school.
[SPEAKER_00]: Like there was like these two brothers.
[SPEAKER_00]: Come on here.
[SPEAKER_00]: Well as I say, it's like it's just okay.
[SPEAKER_00]: Great.
[SPEAKER_00]: Here we go.
[SPEAKER_00]: No, but there was like these two twin brothers that were so hot and they always like had like Bruce Weber, you know, anyway as a photographer would capture them in a way that I thought was very beautiful and I remember thinking like I think in a kiss like what is that like the men in those
[SPEAKER_00]: adds in the bags and I would cut out the bags and I would put them on my wall.
[SPEAKER_03]: Actually, and did you do that thinking that you were just sort of framing culture or were you?
[SPEAKER_03]: Did you know deep down that you were just soaking wet for that?
[SPEAKER_00]: I mean, I put the girls up there too.
[SPEAKER_00]: Of course, you get the bags with like the new girls as well.
[SPEAKER_00]: And they're in the wet t-shirt or whatever, but I would always just feel like that's just like for sure.
[SPEAKER_00]: That's just, so I dodged a bullet.
[SPEAKER_00]: That was security.
[SPEAKER_00]: Yeah.
[SPEAKER_00]: I'm like, oh, no, I'd really about the wet t-shirt.
[SPEAKER_00]: You know, that's just the guys happy to be there.
[SPEAKER_00]: But I remember I was still walking to the store, like trying to look all cute because you know, remember they used to like ask you if you wanted to work there if you're cute.
[SPEAKER_00]: And I looked.
[SPEAKER_00]: I thought it was like never going to get us.
[SPEAKER_00]: And I walked in there and I would just walk around and I'd buy it.
[SPEAKER_00]: I couldn't afford that much to buy it.
[SPEAKER_00]: I could teach her.
[SPEAKER_00]: And then sometimes they would give you the small bag with nothing on it and I was like
[SPEAKER_00]: I got to buy something more in order to get the big bag with a guy on it and then with the bag would come in out and I'd be like, what's back of it?
[SPEAKER_00]: Oh, wow.
[SPEAKER_03]: Anyway, that was, so yeah, I would probably be that was, there's a lot of unpack there because I think that the X-Men first of all, the powerful women protecting you is very gay.
[SPEAKER_03]: There's a whole faction of gay guys specifically who love like WWE fighters still to this day, which I find to be like an interesting
[SPEAKER_03]: sub-sective person obviously the bulge of it all.
[SPEAKER_03]: Do you find that you still look at either men's bulges while you're at or feel the whole towards bulge?
[SPEAKER_00]: Yeah, I don't even want to see it.
[SPEAKER_00]: I want to see the bulge.
[SPEAKER_00]: I want to see it in the underwear.
[SPEAKER_00]: I want to see and like sometimes I like
[SPEAKER_00]: I don't know.
[SPEAKER_00]: You know how sometimes people will wear like a jock?
[SPEAKER_00]: Sure.
[SPEAKER_00]: Great.
[SPEAKER_00]: And in some ways, I'm like, yeah, this is sexy.
[SPEAKER_00]: It depends on my mood and like what it looks like in the rest of the whole thing.
[SPEAKER_00]: But I normally just like like boxer briefs or briefs or like things that are just very classic looking like that, you know, just like a very quintessential American like all American like that sort of
[SPEAKER_00]: I like white cabin kind brief like something or even if it's like a loose boxer But you can kind of get like a peak or maybe like the the lip is open and that's not embuttoned and you can get like a little shaft in there.
[SPEAKER_00]: I'm like oh Yeah, some yeah, some of that would be nice I like I love something that I sure I love to see it and all you know, of course I would love it to escalate but something about the mystery of like what's going on there?
[SPEAKER_00]: What's behind there?
[SPEAKER_03]: Well, it's probably partly why you have such a great eye for the work that you do.
[SPEAKER_03]: And I mean, it's like really, like there's something that we so hot about what we don't show versus showing all of it that is really, really alluring.
[SPEAKER_03]: But you come from this family of athletes.
[SPEAKER_03]: You both of you, you and your sister Ali have grown to have these like really big careers.
[SPEAKER_03]: Obviously people who know your sister are like,
[SPEAKER_03]: The girls who know, no.
[SPEAKER_03]: Your sister, Ali, has won two world cups as a soccer player.
[SPEAKER_03]: She has this incredible platform.
[SPEAKER_03]: So many fans.
[SPEAKER_03]: She also has two gorgeous children.
[SPEAKER_03]: You're needs enough.
[SPEAKER_03]: You Sloan and Ocean.
[SPEAKER_03]: I mean, your parents have like really created some pretty, and she's queer.
[SPEAKER_03]: So like, yeah, your parents, you're from Virginia.
[SPEAKER_03]: And your parents have these two like,
[SPEAKER_03]: queer kids with now these big platforms.
[SPEAKER_03]: What's your relationship with your birth family and what's their take on burthing these two gay celebs?
[SPEAKER_00]: I was traveling in month of the month of May or in June because I'd recently gone through a breakup and I wanted to get out of my apartment for thirty days and I was bouncing around and I had not had grinder before ever in my life really and this along story and so I got it and I was just like
[SPEAKER_00]: Anyway, on there, I'm not really the type to do have like hookup sort of relationships.
[SPEAKER_00]: I'm more of like, yeah, I would love just to be like, this is fun.
[SPEAKER_00]: Like, there's torso as that.
[SPEAKER_00]: Do I know that person?
[SPEAKER_00]: Like, could I, I was in incognito too, so I'm always just like browsing, which is really fun.
[SPEAKER_00]: But I went to Madrid in Spain and then I got banned.
[SPEAKER_00]: because Grindr messaged me in an email, most embarrassing, you know, this is like a session, I wrote.
[SPEAKER_00]: You're being banned for impersonating a celebrity in public figures.
[SPEAKER_00]: And I was like, I'm here.
[SPEAKER_00]: First of all, the C word is crazy.
[SPEAKER_00]: But I was just like, that, I was like, what?
[SPEAKER_00]: I was like, it's me.
[SPEAKER_00]: Like, we, I mean, we follow each other, me and Grindr.
[SPEAKER_00]: Like we're like, and I'm like messaging them and they're like, I'm like, I'm sorry, you got reported.
[SPEAKER_00]: And I'm like,
[SPEAKER_00]: for a celebrity like I'm just like we'll be able to like believe that Kyle Krieger himself is in.
[SPEAKER_03]: Yeah, looking for that.
[SPEAKER_03]: Did you get any DNA sponio?
[SPEAKER_00]: Oh, man.
[SPEAKER_00]: Yes, but this is like I kind of like a story that brings a little like emo in a sense that I was at an afters and I was like seven a.m.
[SPEAKER_00]: and I'm laying on this bed.
[SPEAKER_00]: And like the light is coming in.
[SPEAKER_00]: I'm having intercourse.
[SPEAKER_00]: This guy's riding me.
[SPEAKER_00]: He's like, say, I'm top of me.
[SPEAKER_00]: I'm like, sort of hard because I had been party in Illinois.
[SPEAKER_00]: And it was sort of towards the end of my using and drinking this time around.
[SPEAKER_00]: And like the light was coming in.
[SPEAKER_00]: I could hear the swallows outside.
[SPEAKER_00]: And I was just like, what the fuck am I doing?
[SPEAKER_00]: Like, I don't even know this guy's name.
[SPEAKER_00]: I'm not gonna come.
[SPEAKER_00]: I don't even know what, like, he's having a ball and I'm just like, what is going on?
[SPEAKER_00]: Like, it was one of those moments that I was like, this is not what you're like, but it was intercourse that I didn't have insane, but that was it.
[SPEAKER_00]: Like, after my breakup,
[SPEAKER_00]: Like my, I think my, my ex partner and I are very different, like you, you know, can be, will be very sexually active.
[SPEAKER_00]: I think after a breakup and me twenty five and twenty six and twenty six now, but it feels very, like normal and sure, like whatever, like I totally get like not feeling your feelings.
[SPEAKER_00]: I did it in other ways.
[SPEAKER_00]: I'm not that it's that, but
[SPEAKER_00]: could be leaning in that direction and distraction, whatever.
[SPEAKER_00]: And so on the opposite, like I recall it like I go much more inward and I pull away and my penis is like inside and I'm like like not hard ever.
[SPEAKER_00]: I never jack off or like I've only had sex like once or twice since that one time I'm a Madrid and then one time for work.
[SPEAKER_00]: sense we broke up unless it was with him like in sort of, you know, it's a little bit foggy after you break up and you're still doing it.
[SPEAKER_00]: Um, and that was it, you know, so I'm not really like I still feel like I'm like healing a lot.
[SPEAKER_00]: And I'm just not in that space to like be on the render they hook you up.
[SPEAKER_00]: Oh, total.
[SPEAKER_03]: Well, it's I, it's really well said.
[SPEAKER_03]: I think that the older we get the more we realize what we do need when we're going through tough times.
[SPEAKER_03]: And obviously when you're younger, the whole saying of like when you want to get over someone, you get underneath someone, which is a bit of a
[SPEAKER_03]: I think an early way of thinking because I'm the same same exact way.
[SPEAKER_03]: I remember when my ex-boyfriend and I broke up I was twenty three and I found out that the day after we broke up he fucked some guy that I knew and I was like I mean devastated.
[SPEAKER_03]: I was like I thought how could you how could you wrap your mind around that and I think that it
[SPEAKER_03]: There's just people's brains work differently in the way that they cope.
[SPEAKER_03]: And I think that you knowing the way that you take care of yourself now, it's a sign of strength.
[SPEAKER_03]: But while you're inside of someone having that realization is one way to sort of get some perspective and at least that lead to you sort of reclaiming your sobriety and also taking care of yourself, which I do want to talk about, because there was something so beautiful about the way that you shared that post, because I think that
[SPEAKER_03]: to be vulnerable with an audience like yours.
[SPEAKER_03]: It's, you're actually, I would say, giving yourself the gift of community, but it's also very much you're giving something away.
[SPEAKER_03]: And so I'm curious how you feel about posting that for anybody who hasn't seen it, you did this video post saying that you had just celebrated seventeen years of being sober.
[SPEAKER_03]: And then recently, you took a step back.
[SPEAKER_03]: mindfully with the support of your network and your therapist into starting to dabble in substances again and you said it was at first fun and then there were a lot of peaks and valleys then this led to you having a really big health scare you're in the hospital for a week you also have recently gone through this breakup and now you have realized that you need to recommit to sobriety and taking care of yourself so my question is
[SPEAKER_03]: How did it feel to share that post that's such a vulnerable thing to do?
[SPEAKER_03]: And yes, you got a ton of support, but did it feel once you posted it you wanted to not look at your phone for a while?
[SPEAKER_03]: What was it like?
[SPEAKER_00]: It's been, you know, it's been really hard.
[SPEAKER_00]: Around that, you know,
[SPEAKER_00]: So I got a call from my sponsor immediately following and going up.
[SPEAKER_00]: And he was like, you think this was the best idea.
[SPEAKER_00]: You know, I mean just telling the world on day one that you're recommending to a program like
[SPEAKER_00]: Why do we have to publicize everything?
[SPEAKER_00]: We just keep this for ourselves.
[SPEAKER_00]: And I totally get that.
[SPEAKER_00]: And I thought about afterwards, and I didn't apologize, but I was like, you know, I get it.
[SPEAKER_00]: Like, and I think that makes a lot of sense.
[SPEAKER_00]: There was something about, I've shared my life online for so long.
[SPEAKER_00]: You know, just like my, my following or like on YouTube or on Instagram, even like they know everything.
[SPEAKER_00]: Like I was so, for the first time my life with my ex boyfriend, who I recently split with, I was so,
[SPEAKER_00]: Like screaming from the top of the roof the rooftops to be like I'm so in love with this man.
[SPEAKER_00]: He's so wonderful.
[SPEAKER_00]: I'm like I never had really done that before.
[SPEAKER_00]: I was like exploring like these new things with like drugs and alcohol supposedly in a mindful way that obviously escalated away from that, but you know, I had just been like
[SPEAKER_00]: shared so much that when it all sort of, it almost felt unfair to me.
[SPEAKER_00]: Like, I lived this whole year and I share everything with you and what I'm just going to pretend like I'm not going through something hard.
[SPEAKER_00]: Like, I feel like social media, the special thing about it is that the connection, even if it's like digital and a little bit surface, like I got a comment.
[SPEAKER_00]: I got comments that messages for days after days we still get them of people being like
[SPEAKER_00]: Like, I just really needed to hear this and like, I've been sober a long time and I have the same thoughts of like, was I just young?
[SPEAKER_00]: Like, was I was, could I, could I do this again?
[SPEAKER_00]: And to hear you say, like, it's the same.
[SPEAKER_00]: You're, your addiction is doing push ups while you're sober and it comes back just as strong or stronger and like,
[SPEAKER_00]: people would be like, you really saved me in a way that I don't really want to, I'm not really that curious anymore, you know, or, or, and from Mr. sober boy, then there was all the other people who were just like friends and family who were just like, this was a side of you that,
[SPEAKER_00]: We don't know if you see online, you know, so, um, and I was just, I really was navigating a lot at that time.
[SPEAKER_00]: You know, still grieving my breakup.
[SPEAKER_00]: My ex and I agree very, very differently.
[SPEAKER_00]: He is very insular and not as highly emotional as I am.
[SPEAKER_00]: And, um, and I'm very vocal.
[SPEAKER_00]: And like, I share about what I'm feeling.
[SPEAKER_00]: And, you know, that's what really saved my life.
[SPEAKER_00]: And surprise is,
[SPEAKER_00]: and twelve-step programs or whatever, however you get sober, it's really about telling on yourself.
[SPEAKER_00]: And they keep yourself accountable to the people or whoever.
[SPEAKER_00]: I thought, like, if I tell these people that I'm doing this, like, I gotta do it.
[SPEAKER_00]: And I really wanna do it.
[SPEAKER_00]: And I didn't wanna mess that up again, you know?
[SPEAKER_03]: There's something I think that rings true with me is that you felt that there would be a falseness if you don't share because you've been so vulnerable for all of these years.
[SPEAKER_03]: And I, I too,
[SPEAKER_03]: connect with people in very honest verbal ways.
[SPEAKER_03]: And without getting too specific, I'm dealing with that right now in my own relationships.
[SPEAKER_03]: And it's been a huge struggle for me to realize how certain people don't communicate in that way for the ones of us that do that we really love to share our deepest issues and joys through conversation.
[SPEAKER_00]: Yeah.
[SPEAKER_03]: I mean, that's probably partly why you've gained such a passionate audience.
[SPEAKER_03]: It's because they see themselves in you and they also see the strength it takes to share.
[SPEAKER_03]: And I hope that you have felt now since you've posted a net positive because of those messages of support.
[SPEAKER_03]: Cause in ways, you're struggle and really your sacrifice in sharing that has absolutely saved a lot of people who are thinking that maybe they should just give it another go.
[SPEAKER_03]: So I hope do you feel there's a net positive for having shared that?
[SPEAKER_00]: Well, thank you so much.
[SPEAKER_00]: I'm so kind of you to say I'm very generous and I do.
[SPEAKER_00]: I really do.
[SPEAKER_00]: I feel good about it.
[SPEAKER_00]: I sometimes I'll rewatch it in my gun.
[SPEAKER_00]: I'm like, wow.
[SPEAKER_00]: Sometimes if I'm having doubts or something like late at night, sometimes it's only been thirteen days now.
[SPEAKER_00]: I still have this little thoughts creep in and I'll go and I'll
[SPEAKER_00]: I'll read comments and I'll just be like, it's like so worth it.
[SPEAKER_00]: You know what I mean?
[SPEAKER_00]: And it just, um, it felt really safe to do.
[SPEAKER_00]: It just felt like it's sort of what I've always done.
[SPEAKER_00]: And so it felt like, this is my family online.
[SPEAKER_00]: This is my, in a way, it shows in family.
[SPEAKER_00]: Like they know me so well.
[SPEAKER_00]: They, they send these intimate, like, very loving, kind, thoughtful comments because I had been to one of both for so long and they know who I am anyway.
[SPEAKER_03]: You know, if you don't mind me asking, how long have you tried to dip back into substances?
[SPEAKER_03]: Was there was it a full year?
[SPEAKER_03]: Was it less?
[SPEAKER_03]: Because I'm curious about now that you're back into the sober lifestyle, you know, how long it's been since you've committed to full sobriety?
[SPEAKER_00]: Um, so yeah, I was, I like it so my like you mentioned before I was sober for seventeen years and then May, twenty twenty four.
[SPEAKER_00]: I had that was my seventeen year celebration and through that summer I've been talking to my therapist about like
[SPEAKER_00]: My dad had died and I was dating someone who was younger than me and you know, like go out and have like a bunch of friends and like, you know, yes, he would do like party weekends, but he wasn't like, it wasn't like something alarming to me, it was just being like young and having fun and like have whatever, like what people do, you know?
[SPEAKER_00]: And part of like gay social life and like going to these events and whatever, meaning whatever.
[SPEAKER_00]: So, and he had a really wonderful group around him.
[SPEAKER_00]: His friends were so lovely, and I felt very safe with them, and it took me six months to get to the point.
[SPEAKER_00]: From when I talked to my therapist in like March April, to like August, when I had visited my boyfriend at the time in Austin, and he was like, and it was gonna be like, oh, it was like a party weekend that weekend called Splash, and all of his friends are there, and it was so fun, and there were like those boats, and like little parties, and like, it was so amazing, it was so cool.
[SPEAKER_00]: And I was like, I think maybe this is time.
[SPEAKER_00]: And like, I feel good about this.
[SPEAKER_00]: I feel safe with you.
[SPEAKER_00]: I feel love to take care of them.
[SPEAKER_00]: I feel good and we can start slow and my therapist and I had been talking a long time about it.
[SPEAKER_00]: And for six months, and I finally was willing to let go.
[SPEAKER_00]: of my program.
[SPEAKER_00]: And I think what it took me six months to get there.
[SPEAKER_00]: And I was really held on to the ego part of my time.
[SPEAKER_00]: Because I really wore it as like a badge of honor.
[SPEAKER_00]: It was like seven years.
[SPEAKER_00]: I was like, this program saved my life.
[SPEAKER_00]: It built who I am today.
[SPEAKER_00]: Like it really built all my morals and the way I walked through the world and acts of service and loving kindness and supporting people and
[SPEAKER_00]: Yeah, and being more tolerant with people and just like the calmness that I walked through the world with, but it was like a level of peace that all of twelve set gave that to me.
[SPEAKER_00]: And so letting it go, I had to get to the point where I was like, I'm not letting it go.
[SPEAKER_00]: It built who I am.
[SPEAKER_00]: It's just that I'm charting a new path.
[SPEAKER_00]: That I still get to bring all of it with me.
[SPEAKER_00]: I will say that at that time it was ruling hills it was fun and like we had a blast and like I loved it and yes like there were times when my partner would be like
[SPEAKER_00]: You know, we should, you know, like, maybe we're drinking a little, you know, maybe you're, you know, he would be a little bit mindful in my friends with son of like, raise a red flag every now and then there you go, flag.
[SPEAKER_00]: And I'd reel it in and I talked to my therapist and I'd get accountable and I would tell him like, hey, let's create a new guard real here.
[SPEAKER_00]: Maybe I'm drinking a little much.
[SPEAKER_00]: Maybe it's gonna be, I'll have, I can't drink on consecutive days.
[SPEAKER_00]: I can have no more than three a day and that's like my new thing.
[SPEAKER_01]: Yep.
[SPEAKER_00]: And if I'm doing powders or whatever psychedelics or whatever, that was a different thing, which just, um, that is always like deemed, like stimulants were always my thing.
[SPEAKER_00]: And I knew that like, if I got into that, it could be trouble, which was pretty much what made it up taking me down anyway.
[SPEAKER_00]: But, um, never a crystal meth, which is what I came in on when I was younger in twenty three and I got sober.
[SPEAKER_00]: It was really crystal meth and I told myself a hard one, like, I'll never.
[SPEAKER_00]: ever touch Christmas and I didn't and I was really happy about that because I really feel like that can take it down hard and fast and like there's really just no getting out of that for me and um anyway so it took me a while but um
[SPEAKER_00]: when I was in it you know the beginning it was really fun and like I really love sharing those experiences with my partner at the time and just going out and having fun and coming home in our house and we would just like I don't even know just like silly things that I never did like having a couple of margaritas
[SPEAKER_00]: in the ordering Mexican food or having champagne and like toasting to something that we were celebrating or like whatever it's you know what I mean like he had graduated pilot school and I was thinking like oh that's how champagne and like being a celebrity and little things like that felt harmless but eventually went from those like small occasions to my weekends begin began to be through a state of Monday and it became every day and then it's like I'm hiding things and
[SPEAKER_00]: It's just really escalated pretty quickly, like by January I was using every day.
[SPEAKER_03]: And would you say that getting into that daily use?
[SPEAKER_03]: Is that what led to your health issues where you were hospitalized with the infections?
[SPEAKER_00]: I don't know if they're directly related.
[SPEAKER_00]: However, I do know that I had, this is so hard to talk about because
[SPEAKER_00]: you know, just so dark, so dark.
[SPEAKER_00]: But I do know that I had worn my body down by using daily so much, you know, like, I was almost, it was like a mixture of like psychosis and obsession and addiction, like dark, you know, just, but, but, but like with a smile on like working and like working, sort of like kind of pressinated all the time and always getting in the way of trying not to work.
[SPEAKER_00]: But,
[SPEAKER_00]: you know like trying to put on this like I'm everything's fine holding up like all these plates in the air like trying to make it seem like with money now that I was a little bit older I can make it seem like it was okay but when you're younger in twenty three you know I don't need money it's like fucking dark really early and you're just like oh this is bad but um I do think that I beat my body down so much by using daily for six months from January to when I got sick and and July and June and July
[SPEAKER_00]: It was, you know, I don't know if they're related in that sense, but but I did not set myself up for success.
[SPEAKER_00]: That's for sure.
[SPEAKER_00]: Yeah, I wasn't in good health.
[SPEAKER_03]: Yeah, and I just so applaud.
[SPEAKER_03]: your ability to look back even though we're recording this on the first day of August and so it's still pretty fresh but there's there's there's such it's so difficult to admit when something gets out of hand and that's the place that I'm in right now with I've been smoking weed every day around four thirty five p.m.
[SPEAKER_03]: and I've realized part of it is to hide my
[SPEAKER_03]: anger or sadness about certain parts of my life that I am, either unhappy with or struggling with.
[SPEAKER_03]: And so I have tried to be really intentional with taking this break.
[SPEAKER_03]: And of course, bringing all these feelings up.
[SPEAKER_03]: So I'm like, I'm like on the edge of tears all the time.
[SPEAKER_03]: I'm truly on day four.
[SPEAKER_03]: So like, it makes sense.
[SPEAKER_03]: But I think that
[SPEAKER_03]: You can tell ourselves we need to make a change for months and years and years.
[SPEAKER_03]: But then to actually take the first date and make that change, that's the hardest thing.
[SPEAKER_03]: And you're sitting here doing that.
[SPEAKER_03]: And I think that it is so important for other people to hear that.
[SPEAKER_03]: it's possible to do it to make that first day decision and it's okay to struggle because you know I used to feel that feelings are forever and I'm learning that I know I know that they're not but it's hard when you're in the middle of the darkness to not feel that what are you what are you doing to take care of yourself and you're if you're having a dark moment let's say you wake up and you're like God I'm on day whatever last night
[SPEAKER_03]: Yeah, so what do you do?
[SPEAKER_03]: I mean, if you're feeling like God, either, even if it's not that I want to use, I want to make myself feel better, because I feel like such a piece of shit right now, is there anything that you do to help get you out of the darkness?
[SPEAKER_00]: One thing that really helps, it goes along with like, well, I'm about to say, and answer your question.
[SPEAKER_00]: in your time of like this new, these stepping sounds that you're taking in this new path that you're charting, and you're tiptoeing through these uncharted waters that you're a little bit anxious about if you ever need, like just the call or text or anything, just to talk to someone else who is navigating something similar, like in twelve steps sometimes they say like one alcohol, I'm not very noticing anything, but sometimes they say one alcohol or talking to another is like where the magic happens.
[SPEAKER_00]: And like just anyone and that can't even translate to anyone sort of navigating any sort of thing that they're trying to like different to step away from or to move on from is like that that connection that you have with someone else that understands exactly what you're going through and that you can just take the power out of it in your head.
[SPEAKER_00]: and get it out and have a, you know, whether it be vocally, like usually, I think vocally helps the best, but also even writing or texting or, hey, I'm thinking about using today, like, um, do you have a time to call or if not, then like, he was just talking about real quick on text or, you know, whatever, like checking in on most, giving yourself accountable.
[SPEAKER_00]: And so to answer your question, things that I do
[SPEAKER_00]: is that almost.
[SPEAKER_00]: So like, because I'm sort of in the ICU, I'm sort of new, I'm very like, you know, people sort of will kind of circle the wagons around me.
[SPEAKER_00]: However, in my past, whenever I have these using dreams, one thing that I would do is to call another alcoholic or an addict and tell them to tell myself, be like, hey,
[SPEAKER_00]: like I really had I just had a few thoughts about or my dealer and I just like feeling like I just really want to use today and I just want to call you and talk about it.
[SPEAKER_00]: And then as soon as, you know, you talk about it and you hang out the phone and you're like, I just want to go to bed.
[SPEAKER_00]: You know, and you managed to say, I love my I love what I'm doing like I'm and almost like it takes the power away and and you can sort of continue on.
[SPEAKER_00]: Another thing that I do is like, um,
[SPEAKER_00]: I will try to, you know, fill my day with things that make me feel really good.
[SPEAKER_00]: And like, for example, like, getting back in my routine or exercise or rewarding myself in a way with these activities that I'm like, I know that this will get in the way of like the what I'm trying to do, you know?
[SPEAKER_00]: And so between those two things of checking in with others, also sometimes calling someone who's in a worse position than I am.
[SPEAKER_00]: So if I have thirteen days,
[SPEAKER_00]: And I'm going through it and I'm grieving and I'm crying myself, just like, then I'm trying to like, think about using and I'm fucking sick and whatever, calling someone with two days to be like, hey, how are you?
[SPEAKER_00]: And they're like,
[SPEAKER_00]: going through it.
[SPEAKER_00]: And immediately, you're just like, that's sort of active service removes all of your bullshit.
[SPEAKER_00]: If you show it for someone else and they are just appreciative and you help them and you get out the phone like I said, you're just like, I'm good.
[SPEAKER_03]: You know what I mean?
[SPEAKER_03]: I totally can see that because it gives you perspective.
[SPEAKER_03]: And that's what I'm sort of losing right now is sometimes perspective online.
[SPEAKER_03]: You know, I sort of had a crash.
[SPEAKER_03]: I did this.
[SPEAKER_03]: I'm working on this new show that's incredibly vulnerable and every time I do it it feels like it's a curculean effort and then I got back I did it in New York and I got back and I just and I crashed which I always crash after a big show but it was like the crash plus I've been smoking every day to get me through it and then once I've stripped that away
[SPEAKER_03]: Um, yeah, I start to feel like, why am I doing?
[SPEAKER_03]: Why have I been doing any of this?
[SPEAKER_03]: And I know that this again will pass, but, um, it's, I think it is incredibly important to actually tap into the good things you have in your life.
[SPEAKER_03]: And, um, yeah.
[SPEAKER_03]: I don't know, it's, I think it's, it's interesting as queer people too.
[SPEAKER_03]: So much of our social life is baked around, uh, going out, whether it's a gay club or... I'm pretty talk about, I think.
[SPEAKER_03]: Yeah, I agree.
[SPEAKER_03]: Is there in your seventeen years and now in this chapter of being back in the sober life?
[SPEAKER_03]: What's your relationship to going out?
[SPEAKER_03]: Have you been able to figure out a way to exist and enjoy those spaces without actually imbibing?
[SPEAKER_00]: Well, I've learned
[SPEAKER_00]: I've learned that those spaces, like I said, I sort of see myself as like in the ICU right now, right?
[SPEAKER_00]: I mean, like intensive care focuses, I get a meeting every day, I call my sponsor, I wake up, I go to the gym, I'm in my routine and I'm focused on myself and my mental health, I walk my dog, I see a friend or two.
[SPEAKER_00]: whatever and like that is sort of like my main focus and anything that sort of would get in the way of that I sort of try to avoid and like I'll go to you know I agree there's not many like spaces in in queer culture and queer life that I know of even after seventeen years of being sober that are there like
[SPEAKER_00]: that are not revolving around drinking basically like you know we go to like bars or event you were a party and there's always like there's always booze everywhere and everyone's always drinking first social and I get it and the people that drink they're not necessarily alcoholics but it's just like part of our social life and like a lubricant to help you you know talk to people or to meet guys or whatever you know and so
[SPEAKER_00]: You know, in all my time, I feel like I would just, the more time you get, the more time I'm away from it, the stronger I feel, right?
[SPEAKER_00]: When I'm like really doing the work and I know like what my intentions are and where I'm going, I'm not really interested in messing it up.
[SPEAKER_00]: But when I'm new and it kind of feels like it was just whole days ago.
[SPEAKER_00]: Like what, and I'll say to myself,
[SPEAKER_00]: I could do twelve days again in twelve days.
[SPEAKER_00]: Like, why not go out?
[SPEAKER_00]: Why not use?
[SPEAKER_00]: Why not?
[SPEAKER_00]: And I know that that makes you just crazy because I know that I'll then use again.
[SPEAKER_00]: And I won't be able to put down the stimulants.
[SPEAKER_00]: And I will just keep going.
[SPEAKER_00]: And maybe I won't make it back.
[SPEAKER_00]: Maybe I will be back in the hospital.
[SPEAKER_00]: You know, you don't really know.
[SPEAKER_00]: And so I try to avoid those spaces now when I'm sort of like, um, in the nature of this.
[SPEAKER_00]: Sorry, go ahead.
[SPEAKER_03]: Well, so no, that makes complete sense.
[SPEAKER_03]: It was there just as like a curiosity.
[SPEAKER_03]: Let's say you're like at your, you were in your sixteenth year of sorority.
[SPEAKER_03]: Were you, were you going out because you have such a reserve of all those years?
[SPEAKER_00]: Well, to be honest, I'm sort of thinking as like a pre-lapse.
[SPEAKER_00]: Like, I wasn't really doing the work.
[SPEAKER_00]: Like, my first five years, I was in it, right?
[SPEAKER_00]: I was, I was cheering things.
[SPEAKER_00]: I was like, focus.
[SPEAKER_00]: I had to sponsor.
[SPEAKER_00]: I was like, and this is a lot of like, twelve step talk.
[SPEAKER_00]: I mean, I want to keep it anonymous and they don't really want to talk about which program, but like, in a general sense, I was doing the work.
[SPEAKER_00]: And, um, and I want to be respectful of those traditions, but I was in it.
[SPEAKER_00]: You know, and then as your ten came on, I was a little going less like had less sober friends.
[SPEAKER_00]: I was more in my, you know, doing my thing.
[SPEAKER_00]: And I was like, not a graduate program, but I was like, I'm, I can go to parties and go to Burning Man.
[SPEAKER_00]: I can do whatever I'm fine.
[SPEAKER_00]: Sixteen years, I'm not going to meetings, not really having that many sober friends, not really talking.
[SPEAKER_00]: And I'm just sort of like, distancing myself slowly in a sense that when I look back on hindsight, I'm like,
[SPEAKER_00]: I just wasn't doing the work.
[SPEAKER_00]: And it's like getting sober is not for people that want it.
[SPEAKER_00]: You can want it so bad and not get it.
[SPEAKER_00]: It's some people that do it.
[SPEAKER_00]: So you have to want it.
[SPEAKER_00]: And then you have to go do the work.
[SPEAKER_00]: And like the way I got sober is not the only way.
[SPEAKER_00]: There's a million ways to get sober.
[SPEAKER_00]: I mean, you can wipe not go that if you want.
[SPEAKER_00]: The way that I did it, if I wasn't doing the work, then I just wasn't, I wasn't prepped for those experiences.
[SPEAKER_00]: I wasn't prepped to go to splash to be like, this isn't gonna be good.
[SPEAKER_00]: For me, I'm gonna mistreat my partner eventually.
[SPEAKER_00]: I'll put myself into situations that would be harmful for us, or, you know, I knew those things, yet I still was like, I'm gonna try, like maybe, like, you know, and I just feel like,
[SPEAKER_00]: The more I distance myself from like the core of what got me there and what saved my life, then it was more susceptible to things happening that were not sober.
[SPEAKER_03]: Totally.
[SPEAKER_03]: That makes so much sense.
[SPEAKER_03]: I think it's
[SPEAKER_03]: you say a lot in this interview given us so many golden nuggets you've also you are so so amazing in the confession hole interview which people have asked me where they can wash the full thing and it's on sub stack and you talked about like a rock one of your rock bottom moments where you shit on a glass coffee table to get crystal I mean
[SPEAKER_03]: You've just been it's it's it's also good, but I just want to put a sort of a little pin in this talk before I get into some silly or subjects and just say that the more you share and I obviously hope that you were continuing to take care of yourself, but the more that you share the more you inspire me and other people and it's like
[SPEAKER_03]: I thought about you a lot these even these past few days because I have no idea what my future is with smoking versus not smoking.
[SPEAKER_03]: I don't really drink ever because it already makes me anxious and depressed.
[SPEAKER_03]: But I just think the more that we are vulnerable with each other, the more that we in our honest about these experiences, the better our community is served and you have been serving the community for all these years.
[SPEAKER_00]: Thank you.
[SPEAKER_03]: I'm just grateful to you.
[SPEAKER_03]: The next topic before we get into our final podcast question is, you taught me, before we knew each other, you taught me how to trim my beard.
[SPEAKER_03]: You have these amazing grooming videos because you were a hairstyles and Beverly Hills for years.
[SPEAKER_03]: You're still cutting some of your friends hair.
[SPEAKER_03]: What is your relationship to cutting hair now?
[SPEAKER_03]: Does it bring you joy?
[SPEAKER_03]: Does it feel like you're hanging out with an old friend?
[SPEAKER_03]: What is your relationship to the part of your life?
[SPEAKER_00]: I really love playing here.
[SPEAKER_00]: Honestly, like I do it for my friends for free.
[SPEAKER_00]: And I just like do it with my patio, no come over and we'll have like a movie night and I'll like cut someone's hair while we're watching her.
[SPEAKER_00]: You know, we're just like chill.
[SPEAKER_00]: I'm like, well, have like we work days where my friends will come over and we work from here and some will be on the couch and someone will be doing a haircut or whatever.
[SPEAKER_00]: You know, like it's very like it's just very, it's just like what I know.
[SPEAKER_00]: And I love the architecture of it.
[SPEAKER_00]: I love the design.
[SPEAKER_00]: I love the detail, how detail oriented I have to be in order to have everything be a perfect and I am not a perfectionist in the sense that I like to be very focused and have a beautiful piece afterwards.
[SPEAKER_00]: So I'm really happy and I love making people feel like they feel beautiful after or they feel good if I saw their confidence and like that to me like fills my cup.
[SPEAKER_00]: So in a way it does make me feel good even if it's just like a free haircut for an hour for a friend where I just get to catch up and talk.
[SPEAKER_00]: And we talk about, you know, what they're going through or whatever.
[SPEAKER_00]: And that's what you know, it's just like a, you know, relationship building thing.
[SPEAKER_00]: And I don't do it forever when I do it for like my like core like yeah, like you know, like ten friends or whatever.
[SPEAKER_00]: And my relationship to it is like, I do love it.
[SPEAKER_00]: It doesn't necessarily yield the type of.
[SPEAKER_00]: income that I get from doing my other work.
[SPEAKER_00]: And so at the time-wise, it doesn't really make sense for me to be at the hair salon, doing haircuts for a hundred bucks an hour, splitting the profit with the salon, and then walking away with the day with a thousand bucks or what I don't even know, like to, you know, what I for six hundred bucks or whatever.
[SPEAKER_00]: I'm just like, it just doesn't make sense.
[SPEAKER_00]: So I'd rather just do it for free with my friends at home and just hang, you know what I mean?
[SPEAKER_03]: Well, that's been inspiring too to see your journey as a creator because you actually had a really great interview with on Max Emerson's podcast where you were talking about it was a great interview where you were talking about how you got into being just first like a YouTube creator and you said that
[SPEAKER_03]: Tyler Oakley gave you a really great boost when he gave you insight and connected you with reps.
[SPEAKER_03]: But since you've now grown into this only fans journey and you've said in the interview that part of the reasoning took the plunge and it only fans is because you want to remove the stigma from sex work.
[SPEAKER_03]: Have you felt people treat you differently since getting into the only fans world?
[SPEAKER_00]: in a way yes but honestly like so it's more so in my head I think because I
[SPEAKER_00]: I still operate from that thing in my place in a weird way, which I did not see coming.
[SPEAKER_00]: So like, I want to be able to shout from the rooftops about how much I love my job.
[SPEAKER_00]: I want to feel that about my partner, my boyfriend.
[SPEAKER_00]: I want to feel that about my job.
[SPEAKER_00]: I want to feel that about my family.
[SPEAKER_00]: Whatever I'm doing, I want to be so passionate about it because I think it's so nice to enroll someone in an idea when you're passionate about it.
[SPEAKER_00]: You can be talking about fucking
[SPEAKER_00]: water bottles.
[SPEAKER_00]: And if you're passionate about it, I'm like, I need that water bottle.
[SPEAKER_00]: Whatever, you know, and so I love talking about my work.
[SPEAKER_00]: However, with this work, with hair styling,
[SPEAKER_00]: I love red carpet, like Oscars, like my celebrity clients are like, I'd be on the slime building relationships.
[SPEAKER_00]: I was so pumped.
[SPEAKER_00]: But this work I still have shame about it.
[SPEAKER_00]: And so like I can't, like sometimes I don't really, you know, a lot of my work is promoting myself online in order to get people to know that I have this account and I make these films and I make these photos and videos and whatever.
[SPEAKER_00]: And I'm almost embarrassed about like, because the people at home are my family or like, you know, erotic art or this like elevated version of adult film or whatever I'm trying to do.
[SPEAKER_00]: I mean, I also just do cell phone stuff as well.
[SPEAKER_00]: I mean, my exposure.
[SPEAKER_00]: We were just fucking throw the cell phone and I'm like, go at it and it was a blast.
[SPEAKER_00]: And people love the low five stuff too.
[SPEAKER_00]: And but just all of that I could not
[SPEAKER_00]: I find it hard to be so pumped about it.
[SPEAKER_00]: And that is something I really want to work on this year is getting behind the camera, not being in front of the camera as much.
[SPEAKER_00]: Transitioning to transitioning to the filmmaking part of it.
[SPEAKER_00]: So I love like, paperduction, creating a deck, grossed it, then sending it to a creator and be like, hey, do you like any of these ideas?
[SPEAKER_00]: Coming up with a shot list, the shooting it, having the lead light in my camera guy and my style guy.
[SPEAKER_00]: And then they edit and like, all I love all filmmaking.
[SPEAKER_00]: I don't love
[SPEAKER_00]: going to pound town on camera, but everything else I love.
[SPEAKER_00]: So I like to talk about the filmmaking and the stigma I try to remove when I talk about filmmaking, but when it comes down to what I'm still avoiding talking about like what is on film.
[SPEAKER_00]: And that is like not good.
[SPEAKER_03]: Well, because so I mean the world tells us to it's it's totally the world tells us to it's also as a gay person You know gay sex has always been villainize demonize and and I have the same fucking feeling about sometimes this podcast sometimes confession holes sometimes I mean if I see someone out and they say something about it I like start to get embarrassed.
[SPEAKER_00]: It's like
[SPEAKER_03]: who we the creator we we deserve to be proud you know we deserve to shout it out to the rooftops but it's you know it's really hard to win the world is telling you that you have no you have no value because of those things are you
[SPEAKER_00]: Sorry, I forgot I didn't answer your question, though.
[SPEAKER_00]: You asked me, in that sense of, yes, the world is telling me certain things.
[SPEAKER_00]: And I agree, a very conservative, Christian, gendered society, whatever makes us feel that way about gay sex and all of that.
[SPEAKER_00]: However, when I'm in person with someone, people come up to me whether it be a Coachella or at the, in high tops, or what, I don't even know, on the street.
[SPEAKER_00]: Like, I thought, someone came up to me in the bathroom and hot dog every day.
[SPEAKER_00]: Always in the bathroom line.
[SPEAKER_00]: I'm like, what, why are we in the bathroom?
[SPEAKER_00]: Why do you have to do it?
[SPEAKER_00]: Can we get a photo?
[SPEAKER_00]: I'm like, in the bathroom line, I have a crazy.
[SPEAKER_00]: Anyway, so but they're very sweet and very kind but they will come up and and and I do feel like one way that people treat me different is not like YouTube and social media sure photos hang out talk.
[SPEAKER_00]: I love your work.
[SPEAKER_00]: I follow you.
[SPEAKER_00]: Well, like very kind loving things but when you're in sex work or when you're making adult films or whatever they feel that that they can be because maybe they're sitting in their bed and the most intimate parts of their house on their computer and watching you do intimate things and like it feels very close that they feel like they can touch you.
[SPEAKER_00]: more than I thought that they would and like or be very close or like without sort of consent at all and I'm like oh like a hug or like a grab on the ass or a bulger walking by and like some of that's gay culture in general and I know that people we have a thing with consent that I think should be talked about more however I have noticed with me though personally since I started doing this work people are much more like
[SPEAKER_00]: Let me, I can, I can touch you if I want.
[SPEAKER_03]: And you say, no, man, just because it's on your iPhone doesn't mean I want to bone.
[SPEAKER_03]: Yeah.
[SPEAKER_03]: Yeah, it's, I can only imagine the, the grabs you get as a, as a film.
[SPEAKER_00]: Yeah, I feel like there you know.
[SPEAKER_03]: Yeah.
[SPEAKER_03]: One of my final questions before my character Actress question is, your content is very elevated and you have such an eye and such a perspective.
[SPEAKER_03]: When you talk about being behind the camera, does that apply to you wanting to continue to make this type of content?
[SPEAKER_03]: Is it going outside of the spicy world?
[SPEAKER_03]: What are your aspirations creatively?
[SPEAKER_00]: You know, I love to be like a one-man studio, right?
[SPEAKER_00]: I love that idea.
[SPEAKER_00]: I also, it's so much fucking work though, but I love it.
[SPEAKER_00]: And I really want to do it.
[SPEAKER_00]: One thing that I really do think that I can see myself doing is I think that there is a corner of the adult, I actually love adult film.
[SPEAKER_00]: I love this world.
[SPEAKER_00]: I never thought I would be here, but I love it.
[SPEAKER_00]: I really do think it's like, it's cool, it's different, and it's like,
[SPEAKER_00]: I think there's a corner of it that's available for elevated stuff that maybe people, you know, I like the low five, I love like iPhone, fucking POV, just like boom, into it.
[SPEAKER_00]: But I love making like the more refined, high, more high concept, there's a plan, there's a shot list, there's a film, sort of.
[SPEAKER_00]: And I don't wanna, I'm not speaking poorly of the other because I do love it.
[SPEAKER_00]: I just want I like to make is this and it really fills me up to do so.
[SPEAKER_00]: I can see myself making moonlight but with more sex or all of the strangers but more sex or stranger by the lake but more sex or like almost like storytelling in a way where there's dialogue and there's actors and like it's a film maybe a short film but it's a little bit more it's an elevated version of adult film but with like
[SPEAKER_00]: socialize and like yeah and and and and maybe just like things that happen in gay life like oh yeah even though you're cheating on your boyfriend and there's like a grinder hookup and then he comes on the door and then you go like the grinder hook is really closet and then you have sex with your partner sitting down like it's just like in the guys and that like weird shit that you'd like I think it would be such fun to talk about also sex
[SPEAKER_03]: Yeah, when when you're like actually writing that story well and we're actually it's not just like the classic bad porn acting So fuck my dick is in the middle when it's actually like good story telling with good fucking on camera you're right I would be the first to Go to the theater if they can imagine if you can do a premiere in the middle of a goal and then we do an after party where
[SPEAKER_03]: There are film I think there's film festivals like there's a film festival I went to and I went to and I went to I mean if there I don't know when it is I would know I'll look at the calendar but there's there is one in LA maybe his past but I'll look and we should and we should go but it's no it's there's a total on top to market with that like elevated sort of
[SPEAKER_03]: storytelling with the fucking of it all and I love this vision for you and listen Kyle you have been and continue to be such a joy for me to know I have one final question which is if the world was ending you could only save one character act trash who would you
[SPEAKER_00]: A character actress, like a character in a film.
[SPEAKER_03]: Give me a girl a female actor who you can see her in anything and you're absolutely obsessed with her.
[SPEAKER_00]: What's an actress?
[SPEAKER_03]: Yeah, what's one female actress that you would do anything to save?
[SPEAKER_00]: Um, okay.
[SPEAKER_00]: So I'm gonna say, although I'm not super fond of her acting ability, she has one a wig, and I do love her music.
[SPEAKER_00]: So I feel like I'll be get a combo of an iconic musician who I'm tricking is that the peak of whoever they are right now, and also an actress.
[SPEAKER_00]: So I would say Gaga.
[SPEAKER_03]: Oh, that's a great, a character actress we're saving is Lady Gaga, Stephanie, not Todd.
[SPEAKER_00]: Hi, I went to the tour recently.
[SPEAKER_00]: It was the Coachella performant.
[SPEAKER_00]: Gobsmacked silent afterwards could not talk for a week.
[SPEAKER_00]: I was just like, you saw history in the make it.
[SPEAKER_00]: The attention to detail, the artist, I was like, I would say this bitch, I gotta say.
[SPEAKER_03]: Listen, and Gaga deserves to be safe.
[SPEAKER_03]: And I hope she, we get another star as born moment for her.
[SPEAKER_03]: I hope that we continue to see her tear.
[SPEAKER_03]: Oh my gosh.
[SPEAKER_03]: Such a great answer.
[SPEAKER_03]: And Kyle, it has been a long time coming for you to come on this gay ass podcast.
[SPEAKER_03]: And I'm thrilled that it happened.
[SPEAKER_03]: Will you please tell our gorgeous listeners where to follow you?
[SPEAKER_00]: Sure.
[SPEAKER_00]: You can follow me on Instagram.
[SPEAKER_00]: This is my name, Kyle Krieger on Twitter.
[SPEAKER_00]: Also Kyle Krieger on TikTok is Krieger Kyle.
[SPEAKER_00]: And our only fans is only chance slash dot com slash Kyle Krieger if you want to see the goods.
[SPEAKER_00]: Yeah, so yeah, come find me say hi.
[SPEAKER_03]: They're all linked in the description.
[SPEAKER_03]: Go support Kyle go follow and Kyle.
[SPEAKER_03]: Thank you.
[SPEAKER_03]: At the next hang, whatever it is, shirtless or otherwise sure list for sure.
[SPEAKER_03]: Thanks for listening to that's a gay ass podcast.
[SPEAKER_03]: If you enjoyed this interview with the gorgeous Kyle Krieger, please let me know with a comment on YouTube or leave a five star review on Apple podcast Spotify or wherever you listen.
[SPEAKER_03]: Now as I mentioned up top Kyle Krieger has a really really horny
[SPEAKER_03]: full length confession hole interview which lives on Substack and in addition to that interview you will see this week's bonus episode with Jamine Moon.
[SPEAKER_03]: He was just in Sunset Boulevard with Nicole Shersinger and performed at the Pussycat Doll Song buttons at Broadway Bears with her this year.
[SPEAKER_03]: So, I ask about that in his horny adventures in Aspania, which you can check out on substack.com slash at, Eric Wills.
[SPEAKER_03]: I hope you're having a great start to August.
[SPEAKER_03]: I know that Merck is in Rhett.
[SPEAKER_03]: So I'm just in your aura.
[SPEAKER_03]: Just in all of our aura's.
[SPEAKER_03]: I love you so much.
[SPEAKER_03]: And do me a favor.
[SPEAKER_03]: And stay gay.
[SPEAKER_03]: You've been listening to that's a gay ass podcast hosted by me, Eric Williams.
[SPEAKER_03]: If you want to see in here more, make sure you subscribe to us on Instagram, TikTok, YouTube, Spotify, Apple Music, or Patreon at gay ass podcast.
[SPEAKER_03]: That's a gay ass podcast is executive produced by Eric Williams and produced by Nathaniel McClure.
[SPEAKER_03]: We'll see you next week.