[SPEAKER_00]: Welcome back to Let's Not Sugar Coded.
[SPEAKER_00]: Season three is here and we're excited to dive into the core of communication relationships and leadership.
[SPEAKER_01]: We are hosts, Bella and Lee, a husband and wife duo with a successful business helping couples and organizations get it together to play a bigger game and elevate the relationships and performance.
[SPEAKER_00]: We believe in keeping it real, so each week we'll bring you incredible guests, entrepreneurs sharing their authentic experiences, along with episodes featuring just the two of us tackling the tough topics.
[SPEAKER_01]: So, if you're ready to enhance your connections and sharpen your leadership skills, you're in the right place, let's get started.
[SPEAKER_00]: Welcome to another episode of Let's Not Sugar Coded.
[SPEAKER_00]: Today's episode is going to focus on conflict resolution and conflict resolution within a relationship and in business.
[SPEAKER_01]: Yeah.
[SPEAKER_01]: And the context around it was we were talking the other day and I heard this where when you are in some form of disagreement,
[SPEAKER_01]: negotiation, whatever it might be, the person on the other side is not your adversary, right?
[SPEAKER_01]: The situation is the adversary.
[SPEAKER_01]: The discussions yet, the scenario.
[SPEAKER_01]: Whatever brought you to that conflict is the adversary.
[SPEAKER_01]: And I love that because it's very much a partnership approach to addressing what got us here and not what got us here is you, the other person.
[SPEAKER_00]: Yeah, because it's so easy to blame and blame fingers in any situation, because when we feel like we're not being heard and seen, instinct is to defend and block any type of possible resolution, because then we step into a world of, I'm right, you're wrong.
[SPEAKER_00]: And I shall prove to you that
[SPEAKER_00]: I am right and you are wrong.
[SPEAKER_00]: And that never works.
[SPEAKER_01]: That never works.
[SPEAKER_01]: And you may not even be thinking about how you want to make someone wrong.
[SPEAKER_01]: It's just the very nature of attempting to be right creates that possibility for wrong, meaning that the other person is you're trying to make them wrong.
[SPEAKER_01]: And when you look at things from a partnership approach, instead of
[SPEAKER_01]: that sense of like being across from each other, yeah, blaming adversary versus adversary.
[SPEAKER_01]: When you look at the situation as the adversary, then it's more of a partnership approach.
[SPEAKER_01]: Now we're shoulder to shoulder looking at
[SPEAKER_01]: the adversary, the situation together.
[SPEAKER_00]: Yes.
[SPEAKER_00]: And remember when we started dating, we used to have these board meetings at the kitchen table.
[SPEAKER_00]: And we always sat across from each other.
[SPEAKER_00]: It's like we were going to battle.
[SPEAKER_00]: It wasn't a win-win type thing.
[SPEAKER_00]: It's like, I will tell my truth.
[SPEAKER_00]: You will tell your truth and now we'll just do it out.
[SPEAKER_00]: There was no looking at that.
[SPEAKER_00]: Like even sitting across from each other, it's like battleships.
[SPEAKER_00]: Yes.
[SPEAKER_00]: So now what we do is we sit next to each other because there's also the possibility of connection, the touch, the softening of the situation versus throwing darts at each other or firing bombs at your battleship.
[SPEAKER_00]: So yeah, it is also that act of sitting next to each other and looking at the situation versus looking at each other and making us wrong.
[SPEAKER_01]: correct.
[SPEAKER_01]: Yeah, and there's a really important part too with that is when you are, yeah, sitting together, you're focused on this being the partnership that that when when it also allows
[SPEAKER_01]: the opportunity to just let's talk about possibilities on how to deal with this all too often we fall into this trap of not just when lose but agree disagree.
[SPEAKER_01]: And when we're in that at the serial situation, if we're sitting across from each other, then it's anything one person brings up that they're thinking may help address the issue.
[SPEAKER_01]: It'll get shot down because
[SPEAKER_01]: It's not coming from you.
[SPEAKER_01]: If the other person says something that maybe it's a good idea, you know, doing that, then that make you feel like you're not winning.
[SPEAKER_01]: And so then you're also listening through a greedy disagree versus just listening to the lens of possibilities.
[SPEAKER_01]: And so what can we just put out there?
[SPEAKER_01]: And it's like taking, was it throwing wet rags against the wall or speaking to just see what sticks?
[SPEAKER_00]: I think it was spaghetti not big.
[SPEAKER_01]: And but
[SPEAKER_01]: The world of possibility when you expand what's possible and how to solve a problem, then it increases the opportunities available to take action on.
[SPEAKER_01]: Because all too often when someone expresses an idea,
[SPEAKER_01]: and we're thinking through that win-lose lens, agree to disagree lens, then we rate a way, be like, nope, that's not gonna work.
[SPEAKER_01]: Or nope, it's not gonna, can't do it this way.
[SPEAKER_01]: But if we just think and listen through, well, how could this work?
[SPEAKER_01]: Where's the goldenness?
[SPEAKER_01]: Then you build out all of these, again, possibilities and possibilities are not necessarily
[SPEAKER_01]: things you'll act on.
[SPEAKER_03]: Yes.
[SPEAKER_01]: But once you build those out, if you come up with twenty possibilities, maybe five of them are opportunities to take action on to solve the problem, right, to deal with that situation.
[SPEAKER_01]: But when you limit your view on just yes, no, agree disagree, then maybe you only come up with like one or two.
[SPEAKER_01]: And that's it.
[SPEAKER_01]: And then you lose out on these creative ways to be able to solve a problem.
[SPEAKER_00]: And that's really great also like leadership within organizations and teams.
[SPEAKER_00]: A lot of the time people are either scared to share their ideas.
[SPEAKER_00]: They don't have the support they feel and the environment.
[SPEAKER_00]: It's not there for bringing those ideas for front.
[SPEAKER_01]: Yeah, it's like a form of psychological safety where people can feel safe to bring forth ideas.
[SPEAKER_01]: and to allow those ideas to be heard, to be explored, and then to be a part of that determination of whether it's something to really act on or not.
[SPEAKER_00]: Because it's funny when you put out an idea and you think, oh, this will work.
[SPEAKER_00]: If it gets shot done right away, there's no possibility.
[SPEAKER_00]: That's right.
[SPEAKER_00]: But when you're sitting around like around table and you're discussing and there's other people chiming in and saying, well, this could maybe at some point, you can possibly be like, actually, this is not a good idea.
[SPEAKER_00]: Or this is not going to work and you see it.
[SPEAKER_00]: So it's not a shutdown.
[SPEAKER_00]: You come to that realization that, okay, we explored it.
[SPEAKER_00]: Thank you for exploring it with me.
[SPEAKER_00]: Yeah, I see this is not impossibility.
[SPEAKER_00]: But let's move on to this idea, or how could my idea and your idea come together?
[SPEAKER_01]: Yeah, and create a whole new idea.
[SPEAKER_00]: Yes, right?
[SPEAKER_01]: So when we talk about conflict resolution, this is one part conflict prevention for sure.
[SPEAKER_01]: But if you already find yourself in that conflict,
[SPEAKER_01]: being able to have that frame of reference where, okay, the other person is not the adversary, my partner, whether it's in business or at home.
[SPEAKER_01]: And then, so you're partying on my adversary's situations, the adversary, and then be able when someone expresses an idea on how to solve it, don't shut it down right away.
[SPEAKER_01]: Because not only are you missing out on new possibilities by exploring that idea,
[SPEAKER_01]: But whether your body language or your tone or your words express no and a shut down than that other person doesn't feel heard.
[SPEAKER_01]: And then that begins that when lose a degree, disagree back and forth, that happens.
[SPEAKER_01]: Because sometimes
[SPEAKER_01]: It's not about, even if you have experience, you're like, no, we've tried that before and it doesn't work.
[SPEAKER_01]: Just let's just talk through it.
[SPEAKER_01]: And then explore what, what maybe there's eighty percent of it would work.
[SPEAKER_03]: Yeah.
[SPEAKER_01]: But twenty percent won't.
[SPEAKER_01]: So let's take out that twenty percent and figure out how to tweak this idea to make it work.
[SPEAKER_00]: Yeah.
[SPEAKER_00]: And then also not being so attached to your idea, right?
[SPEAKER_00]: Because we're so attached to, you know, our thoughts sometimes, our actions, our beliefs that we do not create the space for anything else to enter.
[SPEAKER_03]: Yeah.
[SPEAKER_00]: Right?
[SPEAKER_00]: So I think in situations where the relationship or teams be open.
[SPEAKER_03]: Yeah.
[SPEAKER_00]: allow the water to flow versus building those walls, because we are stronger together.
[SPEAKER_00]: Whether you're not meant to be creatures of solitude, we are meant to work as teams, because we all have value, and we all bring value to the table.
[SPEAKER_00]: We don't think the same.
[SPEAKER_00]: We come from different backgrounds, we come from different cultures, like age difference,
[SPEAKER_00]: cities, small town versus big town mentality, right?
[SPEAKER_00]: But being open to all of it gives you such a, what's the word I'm looking for?
[SPEAKER_00]: Such a collective.
[SPEAKER_01]: Yeah, it's a collective intelligence.
[SPEAKER_00]: Intelligent.
[SPEAKER_00]: That's right.
[SPEAKER_00]: Right?
[SPEAKER_00]: And yes, conflict is going to happen.
[SPEAKER_00]: But when you're not tied to that one idea or one way of being, conflict doesn't happen as often.
[SPEAKER_01]: Yeah.
[SPEAKER_01]: And if it does happen, you can move through that conflict faster and more effectively.
[SPEAKER_01]: Because you're right, when you have an idea, because it's coming from you.
[SPEAKER_01]: And if someone shuts it down too fast or the idea,
[SPEAKER_01]: gets decided that it's not a good idea or there's someone else has a better idea.
[SPEAKER_01]: There is a sense of like identity sometimes that can be tied to that idea because it came from you and obviously you share ideas because you think they're good ideas and then if people think that it's not a good idea or that there's better ones
[SPEAKER_01]: then you got a, yeah, it's that, yeah, you did some work.
[SPEAKER_01]: Yeah, yeah, yeah, not enough.
[SPEAKER_01]: I wasn't smart enough.
[SPEAKER_01]: I wasn't better.
[SPEAKER_01]: Whatever it is, and these are all these labels that get us in trouble when it comes to conflict as well, because if we're in a situation and let's say part of that being in a situation is like through your own actions, it's hard to say
[SPEAKER_01]: Not only does this situation suck, but I don't know how to get myself out of it.
[SPEAKER_01]: Because then that's also a bit of like an identity crisis of like, I'm not enough.
[SPEAKER_01]: And so I need your help.
[SPEAKER_01]: And yeah, that's a tough spot to be in sometimes.
[SPEAKER_01]: And that can create conflict, especially if you then are avoiding it and you don't want to deal with it.
[SPEAKER_00]: Yeah.
[SPEAKER_00]: And then also, you know, what gets affected, we get affected when there's conflict at home.
[SPEAKER_00]: And we're going to the workplace.
[SPEAKER_00]: Yeah.
[SPEAKER_00]: We then come with filters because we've already felt maybe dismissed, not heard.
[SPEAKER_00]: And then that brings up that same emotion when our ideas and thoughts are also shut down dismissed.
[SPEAKER_00]: So working through conflict at home is so important because then we're able to show up at work, you know, healed and resolved and not take things so personally.
[SPEAKER_01]: Yeah.
[SPEAKER_01]: I mean even even the word conflict, right?
[SPEAKER_01]: As soon as you say the word conflict.
[SPEAKER_01]: Yeah.
[SPEAKER_01]: And it's like you try to spin it in a way where conflict can be like healthy.
[SPEAKER_01]: But just the word conflict feels unhealthy.
[SPEAKER_01]: But the reality is that there will always be uncomfortable conversations and situations whether at home and business, a thriving family, a thriving business.
[SPEAKER_01]: It's about how you move through those things, how you work through them together, it's about the people.
[SPEAKER_01]: And yeah, it's going back, I just love that statement where it's those situations that are the adversary, not the people.
[SPEAKER_01]: Your people are not the adversary, they're your partners.
[SPEAKER_01]: You may at some point realize that maybe they're not the right partner to deal with those situations, maybe,
[SPEAKER_01]: or for any situation, but they are not the adversary.
[SPEAKER_01]: And when you have that mindset, I don't know, even just thinking about it now, I just feel a lot more relaxed when it comes to the idea of having to work through difficult situations.
[SPEAKER_00]: Yeah, I mean, we've had to deal with a few conversations, conflict even last night with the remote thing.
[SPEAKER_00]: I got something so trivial when you look back at it right now.
[SPEAKER_00]: But we couldn't get the volume on the Google to work.
[SPEAKER_00]: And you took the thing and you started doing your thing and resetting things.
[SPEAKER_00]: And I'm like, well, I have it on my phone.
[SPEAKER_00]: But instantly you're like, well, no, this is worked.
[SPEAKER_00]: I'm like, well, it hasn't worked since you changed it because we lost over mode for a while.
[SPEAKER_00]: And you
[SPEAKER_00]: didn't allow me to be I felt like right.
[SPEAKER_00]: That's how it came across your way was the way this is how we do it.
[SPEAKER_00]: Yet the way you showed me on my phone to have the room has been working perfectly fine because I was the only one watching the TV upstairs when you were gone.
[SPEAKER_00]: So then it made me feel like
[SPEAKER_00]: You're the man, you're right.
[SPEAKER_00]: I'm the woman, what do I know?
[SPEAKER_00]: Technology, it stems, it's not what you meant, but those were the feelings that came up.
[SPEAKER_00]: Right.
[SPEAKER_00]: So, yeah, we kind of
[SPEAKER_00]: shut the doors because we knew if we continued, you just said, okay, let's use your phone, but there was still tension.
[SPEAKER_00]: We didn't talk about it that night, but we did talk about it this morning.
[SPEAKER_03]: That's right.
[SPEAKER_00]: Right.
[SPEAKER_00]: So that's where the differences.
[SPEAKER_00]: You don't want to be in your conflict when you're in a state of elevated heart rate.
[SPEAKER_00]: You're in that
[SPEAKER_00]: Blame.
[SPEAKER_00]: It's very important to know when to take a time out.
[SPEAKER_00]: Yes.
[SPEAKER_00]: And there are people who want to deal with this problem right away.
[SPEAKER_00]: That's an anxious attachment that you want to deal.
[SPEAKER_00]: And then the avoidance don't want you.
[SPEAKER_00]: We have to create
[SPEAKER_00]: you know, an environment where both of us are satisfied or both of like all your team is satisfied, saying, okay, once it gets to a certain level of this conversation is no longer productive because hard to elevate it, we're in that blame, we're blocking anything, we're not even hearing the person because we're so invested in trying to speak our own truth that we're missing out
[SPEAKER_00]: in that they may be.
[SPEAKER_03]: That's right.
[SPEAKER_00]: In the right.
[SPEAKER_03]: Yeah.
[SPEAKER_00]: And they may be even in agreement.
[SPEAKER_00]: How many times has my mom been in conflict with me or us?
[SPEAKER_00]: Yet we were agreeing with her.
[SPEAKER_00]: It sounded different at some point and she's like still because you can see she's not listening.
[SPEAKER_03]: That's right.
[SPEAKER_00]: She's already peg does as that.
[SPEAKER_00]: We are not on her side.
[SPEAKER_00]: We want to do things differently.
[SPEAKER_00]: So even when we agree, she doesn't hear it.
[SPEAKER_00]: It was the perfect example of how we do not listen.
[SPEAKER_00]: Yeah.
[SPEAKER_01]: So we're talking a few days ago about different negotiation types and how those negotiation types can apply to
[SPEAKER_01]: like relationships and how people have you know arguments or disagreements and things like that where which I love because it's another lens and there was three kind of main ones it was assertive it was analytic and there was um
[SPEAKER_01]: Um, I can't remember what the third one was, but is it all accommodating.
[SPEAKER_01]: That's what I'm eating.
[SPEAKER_01]: Yeah, so those are the three and You can see that in like even in the situation with your mom like in a someone who's assertive when they fall into that that default style.
[SPEAKER_01]: They are not
[SPEAKER_01]: open to listening to what you have to say until they feel hurt.
[SPEAKER_01]: And so it's so important to know that, you know, who the other person is that you are partnering with to solve this problem.
[SPEAKER_01]: And also, even if you want to add and you want to be heard, you have to wait because if that assertive person
[SPEAKER_01]: hasn't had that feeling where they're being hurt yet and then you're feeling like you're not being hurt so then you're trying to chime in then it just becomes your no one's feels like they're being hurt and it just escalates and that's when that whole heart rate thing comes in and yeah I feel like with that I do feel myself when I repeat myself over and over and over again even though we beat the nail with the hammer
[SPEAKER_00]: that what's coming up for me is that I still don't think you heard me.
[SPEAKER_03]: That's right.
[SPEAKER_00]: I still don't feel like I've seen.
[SPEAKER_00]: So I will continuously, until one point is just like, okay, I think we've discussed this enough.
[SPEAKER_00]: But and if I'm not being seen and heard, we need to have a different type of conversation.
[SPEAKER_00]: We have to address that and then address the problem.
[SPEAKER_01]: Yes, absolutely.
[SPEAKER_01]: And I mean, there's even sometimes when it's like,
[SPEAKER_01]: I hear you.
[SPEAKER_01]: I understand you.
[SPEAKER_01]: And even then, at those times, it doesn't register right away.
[SPEAKER_00]: Right.
[SPEAKER_00]: And I think it has to do, like we said before, the tone, the body language.
[SPEAKER_00]: You know, some people just say, oh, yeah, they're the agreeable ones, right?
[SPEAKER_00]: They'll agree just to avoid the conflict.
[SPEAKER_03]: Yeah.
[SPEAKER_00]: So they'll say yes, but they have no intention of falling through.
[SPEAKER_00]: So body language and you're like, your true intention should come out so that
[SPEAKER_00]: The person that doesn't feel seen believes you.
[SPEAKER_00]: Right?
[SPEAKER_00]: Like you can sense when somebody's not being genuine, it's like our children.
[SPEAKER_00]: Say sorry to your sister.
[SPEAKER_00]: Time.
[SPEAKER_01]: Yes.
[SPEAKER_00]: Right?
[SPEAKER_00]: Yeah.
[SPEAKER_00]: We may not as adults in the boardroom.
[SPEAKER_00]: Go, sorry.
[SPEAKER_00]: You know, make a face for our eyes.
[SPEAKER_00]: But our tone and our body language will.
[SPEAKER_03]: Yes.
[SPEAKER_00]: And the other person will sense that it is not a genuine apology, a genuine yes, a genuine note.
[SPEAKER_00]: You can sense that feel that energy when you're in tune with those around you.
[SPEAKER_01]: Yeah.
[SPEAKER_01]: No, that's a great point.
[SPEAKER_01]: You do need to sometimes need to take a pause in trying to resolve the conflict.
[SPEAKER_01]: the situation and address maybe something else that's going on that's kind of like the like it's the undercurrent.
[SPEAKER_00]: Yes.
[SPEAKER_01]: Whether it's the you know the mindset, the attitude, whatever it is.
[SPEAKER_01]: So if we're trying to resolve something and one of us is in a win-lose mindset because it can happen sometimes.
[SPEAKER_01]: That needs to then be addressed, where it's like, okay, time out, let's, let's put this on hold and let's have a conversation, what's going on inside your head.
[SPEAKER_01]: And then what we find out is, oh, you're, you know, running some form of a, like, a rocket against the other person because.
[SPEAKER_01]: you don't feel heard or there was a tone and there's a body language and then it's like okay let's have this dialogue at oh when I said it this way it made you feel this way okay sorry didn't mean that and then you get the opportunity to kind of feel heard yeah and then you can go back to addressing the issue so you know we've got
[SPEAKER_01]: perspective, right, that shift that whole adversary partnership shift.
[SPEAKER_01]: We've got our lenses that we or filters, I should say, that we listen through, trying to look for the gold when people are thinking about ideas or way to solve it.
[SPEAKER_01]: Instead of it being through a filter of
[SPEAKER_01]: When lose, agree, disagree, right wrong and just being neutral.
[SPEAKER_01]: And then being able to, yeah, sense that energy when if someone's
[SPEAKER_00]: No, yeah, it's like this morning.
[SPEAKER_00]: Yeah.
[SPEAKER_00]: They're like, hey, what's up?
[SPEAKER_00]: And I'm just like, we ain't gonna deal with this right now.
[SPEAKER_00]: I'm gonna deal, right?
[SPEAKER_00]: And you're like, you know, I feel some energy from you.
[SPEAKER_00]: And I'm like, nope, it's all fine.
[SPEAKER_01]: Yeah, your words said one thing, but your face and eyes said another.
[SPEAKER_00]: Yeah.
[SPEAKER_01]: Yeah.
[SPEAKER_00]: And so it's knowing and being in tune with your partner and your work team.
[SPEAKER_00]: Because let's face it.
[SPEAKER_00]: A lot of people spend more time at work with work people creating those relationships than they do at home.
[SPEAKER_00]: So making sure
[SPEAKER_00]: that the way you're communicating, the way you're solving problems, the way you listen, the way you hear things, different things, and how you communicate.
[SPEAKER_01]: Yeah, and if you are already have had experiences with your partner, whether it's your spouse or a business partner or you know colleague, that when conflict happens, things always get elevated.
[SPEAKER_01]: And you're trying to figure out, okay, how can I apply maybe some of these tools and approaches to resolve that conflict?
[SPEAKER_01]: Because getting rid of the person is not an option.
[SPEAKER_01]: You need to know that because the past experience that both of you have is that when we talk about hard things, then hard things happen, right?
[SPEAKER_01]: Things get escalated.
[SPEAKER_01]: You need to know that the first couple times you're trying to apply these tools to make it work,
[SPEAKER_01]: It's still gonna happen.
[SPEAKER_01]: It's still gonna get elevated because the experience that your partner has of those types of tough conversations means that in the past, when we talk about X, then we get to an eight every time.
[SPEAKER_01]: And so your fighter flight response takes in and preps you for that.
[SPEAKER_01]: And that's where that psychological safety piece comes back.
[SPEAKER_01]: Where these tools also help keep you calm.
[SPEAKER_01]: and focus keeps your heart rate down so that this way you can focus on the problem.
[SPEAKER_01]: And it's going to be doing that a few times to change the experience that your partner has.
[SPEAKER_01]: For them to go, okay, I don't always have to be at an eight because you're not at an eight.
[SPEAKER_01]: And then that begins to shift.
[SPEAKER_01]: And the conflict then actually becomes smoother and easier to work through when you're in those challenging situations.
[SPEAKER_00]: a hundred percent, and a lot of people don't like difficult conversations.
[SPEAKER_00]: Because they are uncomfortable and majority of the time, there's conflict around that.
[SPEAKER_00]: So by not avoiding them and stepping
[SPEAKER_00]: in knowing that there may be tension, but setting that tension in tension that you're not going to react a certain way takes work.
[SPEAKER_01]: It does because our reactions in a way are like a habit.
[SPEAKER_01]: And so you also need to provide that grace and space that if you are going to change
[SPEAKER_01]: I mean, even have the conversation with a person.
[SPEAKER_01]: Well, that is, hey, you know what, next time I've learned some tools.
[SPEAKER_03]: Yes.
[SPEAKER_01]: And I want to try them the next time that we're in, you know, a situation and so it's going to be a little messy.
[SPEAKER_03]: Yeah.
[SPEAKER_01]: You know, give me some permission to like, try these things.
[SPEAKER_01]: Let's try it out together.
[SPEAKER_00]: Yeah.
[SPEAKER_00]: Let's have a safe word.
[SPEAKER_00]: Let's buy an apple.
[SPEAKER_00]: Fine.
[SPEAKER_00]: Let's, you know, have something where
[SPEAKER_00]: When one person feels attacked or unsafe, you have a safe word.
[SPEAKER_00]: Say, okay, this is getting out of control.
[SPEAKER_00]: Pineapple.
[SPEAKER_00]: Let's walk away.
[SPEAKER_03]: Yeah.
[SPEAKER_00]: Let's calm down.
[SPEAKER_00]: Yeah.
[SPEAKER_00]: Let's reflect.
[SPEAKER_00]: And reflect in a way where you're not
[SPEAKER_00]: Army near self for the battle in the next half hour, forty minutes, a hour next day, whatever you want to say.
[SPEAKER_00]: Look in the mirror and say, how am I contributing to this conflict?
[SPEAKER_00]: Yes.
[SPEAKER_00]: I'm contributing to this situation because it's partners.
[SPEAKER_00]: We know our buttons.
[SPEAKER_00]: Oh, hey, do I ever know when to push those buttons?
[SPEAKER_00]: But it's actually holding off and saying no to the finger.
[SPEAKER_00]: Or to the hand, you know, that was easy button.
[SPEAKER_00]: Don't press it.
[SPEAKER_01]: Yeah, because another great point, because when we feel like we are losing control of a situation,
[SPEAKER_01]: And usually that happens when we don't feel some version of smart enough where the whatever.
[SPEAKER_03]: Yeah.
[SPEAKER_01]: We will leverage our emotions to get us into that get us back into control, which is like a mirage, like a
[SPEAKER_01]: By getting upset, pushing trigger buttons in the other person, because you know that it'll set them off, gives you that false sense of being in control.
[SPEAKER_01]: But it's not.
[SPEAKER_01]: And it's not productive.
[SPEAKER_01]: It isn't actually resolving the situation that needs to get resolved.
[SPEAKER_00]: It's creating more barriers, more calm.
[SPEAKER_00]: Then create more things to work on because then feelings are hurt.
[SPEAKER_00]: Yeah.
[SPEAKER_00]: People don't want to engage.
[SPEAKER_00]: You're losing your team, you're losing your spouse.
[SPEAKER_00]: Yeah.
[SPEAKER_00]: Because people will disconnect this associate and then they'll show up and they just won't care.
[SPEAKER_01]: Yeah, absolutely because they know that even though these difficult things need to be addressed, what's the point?
[SPEAKER_03]: Yeah.
[SPEAKER_01]: Because all it's going to do is make me feel like crap because it's going to get elevated and we're going to end up in it's going to get personal.
[SPEAKER_01]: Yeah.
[SPEAKER_01]: And going back to what you said, where when you start to feel your heart rate go up, you're starting to feel, you know,
[SPEAKER_01]: anxious or angry and you start picking out that magnifying glass.
[SPEAKER_01]: As soon as you start looking at others through that magnifying glass to judge them to figure out why they're the problem, that's when you need to take that time out because there is no even if their behavior in their attitude is causing a problem.
[SPEAKER_01]: The fact that they are eliciting some type of negative emotion out of you means that there's still something that you need to work through.
[SPEAKER_01]: And you got to put the magnifying glass down and pick up the mirror.
[SPEAKER_01]: And really start to explore why am I feeling this way.
[SPEAKER_01]: When someone so uses this tone or says this word or acts this way,
[SPEAKER_01]: Why does it make me feel that way?
[SPEAKER_01]: And that's when you got to do that inner work.
[SPEAKER_01]: Figure out why.
[SPEAKER_00]: And yeah, that's a great point because we all, the work is never done.
[SPEAKER_00]: And when we feel like we've worked on something and we say it's complete, something else will pop up.
[SPEAKER_00]: Because we're always working progress.
[SPEAKER_00]: We're constantly learning, we're constantly living.
[SPEAKER_00]: It's not like, oh, twenty years ago, I had this.
[SPEAKER_00]: So I dealt with that
[SPEAKER_00]: So now, I don't need to, I've done the work.
[SPEAKER_00]: What about the next one years?
[SPEAKER_00]: That's what I've lived.
[SPEAKER_00]: And so on so far, we change, we grow, our relationships change, our jobs change, situations, life changes, unexpected, her balls, right?
[SPEAKER_00]: So those all shape us and how we react, how we've always been in survival mode.
[SPEAKER_00]: Are we able to regulate our nervous system?
[SPEAKER_00]: Are we able to listen and know what our partner or coworker or whatever needs?
[SPEAKER_00]: I mean, last night, same thing, not just the remote.
[SPEAKER_00]: I think the remote piece was just like icing on the cake.
[SPEAKER_00]: But we had a conversation and what you've learned when I'm questioning.
[SPEAKER_00]: And even though we talked about certain things in certain topics,
[SPEAKER_00]: If you don't answer or say we talked about this, it gives me this sense of, well, I'm not done talking about it.
[SPEAKER_00]: So instead of disconnecting and not going on this ride with me, you answer every single question.
[SPEAKER_00]: And that brings my levels down, my fight of light, I'm more relaxed, and then we can talk about it.
[SPEAKER_01]: And that's because you've been learning about yourself, you've been learning about your own triggers.
[SPEAKER_01]: And you've also been learning about, you know, the, the, I guess, the, I don't know, anti-trigger right approach where when you get triggered you because
[SPEAKER_01]: you've been swapping the magnifying glass for the mirror, even in those situations, you're learning about what works and what doesn't, what gets you off the train and what keeps you on the train.
[SPEAKER_01]: And then you communicate that to me.
[SPEAKER_01]: So that this way when you are in those states, I can show up in the way you need me to to support you because when we get triggered,
[SPEAKER_01]: Unfortunately, it's not always like we are not always expressing the best version of ourselves.
[SPEAKER_01]: And when you realize that I don't like being this way and you communicate that to your partner, then your partner can actually help and say, okay.
[SPEAKER_01]: I also don't like it when you get that way and if this is what you need for me then I will help and I and I will do this but then also knowing that
[SPEAKER_01]: especially at the beginning, trying something new anytime it's going to be a little messy.
[SPEAKER_01]: We're going to get things wrong.
[SPEAKER_00]: It's like learning how to write a bike.
[SPEAKER_00]: You're not going to get on and take off right away.
[SPEAKER_00]: You're going to fall.
[SPEAKER_00]: You have to pick yourself up, get back on the bike and keep trying until you get it.
[SPEAKER_00]: And that's what, you know, relationship conflict, conflict resolution, like communication is key.
[SPEAKER_00]: I also hold on to your tools, don't hold on to everything that you've learned.
[SPEAKER_00]: You have to share with your partners.
[SPEAKER_00]: You have to share with your team.
[SPEAKER_00]: Yeah.
[SPEAKER_00]: Saying, okay, this is what does work for me and this doesn't work for me.
[SPEAKER_01]: Clear honest communication.
[SPEAKER_01]: doesn't mean that it's always going to be comfortable or perfect.
[SPEAKER_01]: That clear on us communication is sometimes going to be uncomfortable.
[SPEAKER_01]: And our brain doesn't always work in our best interests because our mind just wants to be comfortable all the time because discomfort means unsafe.
[SPEAKER_01]: Unsafe means possible death.
[SPEAKER_01]: Right.
[SPEAKER_01]: That's how that's how the primitive parts of our brain operate.
[SPEAKER_00]: You see me right now.
[SPEAKER_00]: I start bringing my knife.
[SPEAKER_00]: I cut you.
[SPEAKER_01]: And and so we need to always be seeking out those uncomfortable situations, those things that that bring up a little bit of tension.
[SPEAKER_01]: but equip ourselves with the tools to deal with them where we're not stressed, we're not elevated because that's how we're able to work through them.
[SPEAKER_00]: Yes, and when you do learn those new tools and you share with your partner, accept those tools and try to work with your partner instead of while you always do it, so it's not going to work.
[SPEAKER_03]: Yeah.
[SPEAKER_00]: Right.
[SPEAKER_03]: Yeah.
[SPEAKER_00]: And that's what happens within couples.
[SPEAKER_00]: You try one time.
[SPEAKER_00]: It's like that bike.
[SPEAKER_01]: And it didn't work.
[SPEAKER_00]: And it didn't work.
[SPEAKER_00]: So it's like, see, it's never going to work.
[SPEAKER_00]: You're never going to change.
[SPEAKER_00]: Yeah.
[SPEAKER_00]: It's going to take time to rewire your brain to function and do things a different way.
[SPEAKER_00]: It's habits.
[SPEAKER_00]: Yeah.
[SPEAKER_00]: The more you do it, the easier it gets.
[SPEAKER_00]: And then you won't even think about it.
[SPEAKER_00]: It's going to be natural.
[SPEAKER_00]: That's right.
[SPEAKER_00]: You know, I get triggered.
[SPEAKER_00]: random places, random things.
[SPEAKER_00]: And, you know, you'll pick up on that energy and you'll be like, what's going on?
[SPEAKER_00]: And I will actually tell you, I'm triggered right now, I'm working through something, so just give me some time.
[SPEAKER_00]: Because then I go in and look at the trigger and like, is it something about you about us or is it something from the past?
[SPEAKER_00]: What I'm exploring, like why am I feeling this way?
[SPEAKER_00]: Why am I, is this where I want to be?
[SPEAKER_03]: Yeah.
[SPEAKER_00]: And you can work through certain things alone.
[SPEAKER_00]: And then you can still share.
[SPEAKER_03]: That's right.
[SPEAKER_00]: Okay.
[SPEAKER_00]: Yes, this was about you.
[SPEAKER_00]: And I don't want to be continuously in this loop.
[SPEAKER_00]: So I'm choosing to
[SPEAKER_00]: Let it go, because the more times I let this part of myself go, the more space I will have for other things.
[SPEAKER_00]: Yeah.
[SPEAKER_01]: Yeah, you're retraining.
[SPEAKER_00]: You're retraining, and it takes time.
[SPEAKER_01]: Yeah.
[SPEAKER_00]: And effort.
[SPEAKER_01]: Yeah.
[SPEAKER_00]: It's like everything, anything in life takes time and effort.
[SPEAKER_00]: Yeah.
[SPEAKER_00]: That mouth of effort you put in the quicker or best results you're going to get.
[SPEAKER_01]: Yeah, it's training.
[SPEAKER_00]: It's a best work.
[SPEAKER_00]: People are like, God, I'm doing breath work or meditation.
[SPEAKER_00]: How many times do you meditate?
[SPEAKER_00]: If you do it once a month, sitting, you know, you're not going to be a master meditate.
[SPEAKER_00]: It's not going to give you that the results you're looking for.
[SPEAKER_00]: It might take you ten years to get the one result and then she's saying, you know, what meditation doesn't work.
[SPEAKER_00]: But have you put the work on?
[SPEAKER_00]: Yeah.
[SPEAKER_00]: In work in work.
[SPEAKER_00]: Yeah.
[SPEAKER_00]: We work in.
[SPEAKER_00]: Yeah.
[SPEAKER_00]: Right.
[SPEAKER_00]: Put in the effort.
[SPEAKER_00]: Yeah.
[SPEAKER_00]: Same with comfort resolution.
[SPEAKER_00]: Are we sitting across from each other?
[SPEAKER_00]: And we're going to continuously do the things we do that are not working.
[SPEAKER_00]: Or are we going to sit next to each other and try to
[SPEAKER_00]: a different way, practice, and practice.
[SPEAKER_00]: And like you said, you have each other grace and space when things don't fall apart.
[SPEAKER_00]: Just because it didn't work the first time, does it mean it's not going to work the second time?
[SPEAKER_01]: Yeah.
[SPEAKER_01]: If.
[SPEAKER_00]: And then the tenth time, it might not work again.
[SPEAKER_01]: Yeah.
[SPEAKER_01]: I mean, if you're finding yourself always having some version of the same argument, the same disagreement, then whatever you're using as a tool to get through that, so it gets resolved and it doesn't continue to be something that needs to consistently be addressed, then you owe it to yourselves to practice a new tool.
[SPEAKER_00]: And look in the mirror and say, what is the result?
[SPEAKER_00]: What is the intended outcome of this conflict?
[SPEAKER_00]: Is it moving forward together?
[SPEAKER_00]: Or is it I just want to be right?
[SPEAKER_03]: Yeah.
[SPEAKER_00]: Right?
[SPEAKER_00]: Look, you sit with that.
[SPEAKER_00]: When you said, we're in this continuous loop.
[SPEAKER_00]: So I always say, look at what is your intention.
[SPEAKER_03]: Yeah.
[SPEAKER_00]: If the honest with yourself, I just want you to agree with me.
[SPEAKER_00]: And until you do, this is going to be a problem.
[SPEAKER_01]: Yeah.
[SPEAKER_00]: Be honest with yourself.
[SPEAKER_00]: Be honest with your partner.
[SPEAKER_01]: Yeah, because we all have these competing commitments.
[SPEAKER_01]: So there's the commitments that we profess, that we want to, you know, solve, we want to, yeah, I want to resolve conflict together.
[SPEAKER_01]: And I want to do it in a way that doesn't have us elevated.
[SPEAKER_01]: But maybe you also have a hidden commitment.
[SPEAKER_01]: that's kind of buried swept under the rug that you don't see unless you look in the mirror and kind of start questioning yourself.
[SPEAKER_01]: That's yeah, maybe you do want to not have the conflict, but that hidden commitment that competing commitment has a stronger and I want to be right.
[SPEAKER_01]: So if that I want to be right piece is stronger, then resolving it together, then you will have a hard time resolving things together.
[SPEAKER_01]: Yes.
[SPEAKER_01]: because that hidden commitment is stronger, and it's anchored rooted deeper in being right.
[SPEAKER_00]: And it's not a win-win anymore.
[SPEAKER_00]: It's a win-lose, because you want your partner to lose, because you want to win.
[SPEAKER_00]: And so that's why when you come into any situation, look and see what is the intended outcome.
[SPEAKER_00]: Whether it's, I want to make more money.
[SPEAKER_00]: I want to have more time with the children.
[SPEAKER_00]: I want to have more time with whatever.
[SPEAKER_00]: So how do we move forward?
[SPEAKER_00]: Because let's say we want something.
[SPEAKER_00]: But I have a different agenda.
[SPEAKER_03]: Yeah.
[SPEAKER_00]: Whenever we're going to get this one something because I'm going to be working on the sidelines against you.
[SPEAKER_01]: Yeah.
[SPEAKER_01]: And it's not about somebody coming in and having this.
[SPEAKER_01]: conscious awareness of wanting to like be manipulative or have a hidden agenda.
[SPEAKER_01]: I mean, there are people like that, but most of the time, these hidden agendas are below our level of awareness.
[SPEAKER_01]: It's these competing commitments that are driving our behavior to get to a place where we feel right, we feel heard, we feel
[SPEAKER_01]: understood, and if we don't have the tools to achieve those things in a healthy way, then what happens is, well, in order, I may not want you to be wrong.
[SPEAKER_01]: But the very act in my behavior of needing to be right will make others wrong.
[SPEAKER_01]: For me to be
[SPEAKER_01]: to be agreed with means that everyone else I need to disagree because again I need to be right and so there are some great tools that can help you resolve conflict and I think it's important to know too because I used to be in a place where
[SPEAKER_01]: I thought conflict all conflict was bad.
[SPEAKER_01]: And so I would do anything and everything possible to avoid those uncomfortable situations.
[SPEAKER_01]: And a lot of people can be, you know, people, please,ers in a way where you make commitments to things that you would probably not normally commit to that.
[SPEAKER_01]: You know is you're going to be very hard or almost maybe impossible to achieve, but you say it to avoid that negotiation, that uncomfortable conversation that when your partner says, I need you to do this.
[SPEAKER_00]: You're a yes, but you know, you're not going to be a, you're going to be a no.
[SPEAKER_00]: It's a counter, yeah, yeah, it's like, and then you're delaying.
[SPEAKER_00]: that conversation to be had.
[SPEAKER_03]: Right.
[SPEAKER_00]: Because when you show up as a know, when you commit a toy, yes, that's going to escalate even more.
[SPEAKER_00]: Even more because I can't trust you.
[SPEAKER_00]: You promise you broke that promise where we now.
[SPEAKER_00]: So now it's a more complex level because trust is now broken.
[SPEAKER_03]: Yeah.
[SPEAKER_00]: So not only did you not avoid the conflict because you gave the false CS knowing you're going to be a know.
[SPEAKER_00]: Now you broke trust.
[SPEAKER_00]: Yeah, and it's... And you condition that person if you continuously do that, you condition that person to not believe you.
[SPEAKER_01]: Yeah.
[SPEAKER_00]: And be constantly in that state of, is he or is she, are they actually gonna do what they say they're gonna do?
[SPEAKER_01]: Yeah.
[SPEAKER_01]: So it's an important part of being able to resolve conflict is also to have integrity.
[SPEAKER_01]: And to restore integrity when needed.
[SPEAKER_01]: And so even if you find yourself because we're talking about habits,
[SPEAKER_01]: And you find yourself in a situation where you've committed to something that you maybe you shouldn't have.
[SPEAKER_01]: As soon as you have that realization, have the uncomfortable conversation and be, hey, remember yesterday last week, you asked me to do this thing or you asked me to be a certain way or work on a certain thing.
[SPEAKER_01]: And I said yes.
[SPEAKER_00]: I sat with it.
[SPEAKER_01]: I sat with it and I can't commit to that.
[SPEAKER_00]: And this is why.
[SPEAKER_01]: Right.
[SPEAKER_01]: And so, and not just, and this is why and then leave justified, right?
[SPEAKER_01]: Because again, it's not about being just right.
[SPEAKER_01]: It's about working through the issue.
[SPEAKER_01]: So then you just you go back to the table and you start having those conversations of possibility to figure out.
[SPEAKER_01]: Okay.
[SPEAKER_00]: So if I can't commit to this,
[SPEAKER_00]: I can commit to this.
[SPEAKER_00]: We'll this work.
[SPEAKER_00]: Let's work together to get to our vision and mission.
[SPEAKER_00]: I always bring it back.
[SPEAKER_00]: What's your vision and mission?
[SPEAKER_00]: Same with in the border.
[SPEAKER_00]: What's your vision mission?
[SPEAKER_00]: Again, coming back to that round table, if I'm always right and you're always wrong.
[SPEAKER_00]: If I'm not willing, if I'm a yes, but I'm actually I know I'm not contributing and I'm not being a team player and we're not getting closer to our vision and mission.
[SPEAKER_03]: That's right.
[SPEAKER_00]: So when you have that in the forefront,
[SPEAKER_00]: the way you resolve coughing, the way you see a no from someone.
[SPEAKER_00]: It's not attached to you and your personal agenda.
[SPEAKER_00]: It is attached to the greater vision and vision.
[SPEAKER_01]: Yeah, and nose can actually be much more powerful than he is sometimes because
[SPEAKER_01]: Going back to, yeah, if you have an idea or something with that, and somebody says, yes, well, then that's it.
[SPEAKER_01]: When, when you use a know, that actually is the beginning of more brainstorming, more discussion, way more possibility.
[SPEAKER_01]: And so, knows actually can be quite powerful.
[SPEAKER_01]: It's just, we're conditioned.
[SPEAKER_00]: That I know is no good.
[SPEAKER_01]: That's right.
[SPEAKER_01]: Nose or bad, we're conditioned to always go after the yes, but nose can also be very powerful when used in the right context when when you're using a no to lean into.
[SPEAKER_01]: discomfort when you're using a note to challenge yourself when you're using a note to grow, stay on that growth journey.
[SPEAKER_01]: That's where they can be powerful.
[SPEAKER_01]: A note used to avoid all of that.
[SPEAKER_01]: That's not a powerful note.
[SPEAKER_01]: Yes, use to avoid all of that.
[SPEAKER_01]: Not a powerful.
[SPEAKER_01]: Yes, but when you're
[SPEAKER_01]: leaning in to all those uncomfortable conversations, situations that if you don't, it's going to sabotage your vision in your mission.
[SPEAKER_01]: You owe it to yourself to lead into those situations.
[SPEAKER_00]: And you owe it to your partner and your team.
[SPEAKER_01]: And to your vision.
[SPEAKER_00]: into your vision.
[SPEAKER_00]: Okay, look at us.
[SPEAKER_00]: We never used to have these types of conversation.
[SPEAKER_00]: No.
[SPEAKER_00]: It's a growth and development.
[SPEAKER_00]: You know, we are growing up, baby.
[SPEAKER_00]: Yes, we are.
[SPEAKER_00]: So, not note.
[SPEAKER_00]: Okay.
[SPEAKER_00]: I hope you guys enjoyed this conversation for more information.
[SPEAKER_00]: Hit us up on our website www.let's not sure where we're going to go.com or our Pico Institute www.PicoInstitute.
[SPEAKER_00]: .com or website is changing coming soon.
[SPEAKER_00]: So stay tuned.
[SPEAKER_00]: If you have any questions, if you have any topics, if you have anything you want us to discuss or explore with us, let us know where here everyone's there, serving you, being here to grow and learn together.
[SPEAKER_00]: Until next time.
[SPEAKER_01]: Until next time.
[SPEAKER_00]: Bye.
[SPEAKER_01]: We hope you enjoyed today's episode and gained valuable insights to elevate your life and business.
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[SPEAKER_00]: Keep it a real raw and unfiltered.