[SPEAKER_00]: You're listening to a four-the-girl's podcast, Flashback Friday episode.
[SPEAKER_00]: Every Friday, I re-share an older episode for new listeners who haven't heard it, or as a refresher for OG listeners, who might need to hear it again as a reminder.
[SPEAKER_00]: Enjoy, and I'll see you with a new episode on Monday.
[SPEAKER_01]: Settling is not an option.
[SPEAKER_01]: Everything I desire is already mine.
[SPEAKER_01]: What if you can have it all?
[SPEAKER_01]: Because every day is for the girls.
[SPEAKER_00]: Hello, hello.
[SPEAKER_00]: Welcome back to another episode of Four of the Girls.
[SPEAKER_00]: I'm your host, Victoria, Elario.
[SPEAKER_00]: And today we're talking about dating.
[SPEAKER_00]: More specifically,
[SPEAKER_00]: how women should be viewing dating.
[SPEAKER_00]: That whole dating or talking phase before you get into a relationship before you become exclusive.
[SPEAKER_00]: That period when you're dating around, when you're meeting other people when you're going on one, two, three dates with somebody,
[SPEAKER_00]: That's what we're going to talk about today.
[SPEAKER_00]: One problem that I think a lot of girls face in dating is romanticizing the situation, liking a guy so quick.
[SPEAKER_00]: Before he even truly shows you who he is, getting attached really early on, really hoping that this is the guy.
[SPEAKER_00]: So they start latching on to the potential of what could be.
[SPEAKER_00]: They start romanticizing or imagining their life with this guy, they're seeing themselves with this guy.
[SPEAKER_00]: When the truth is, your mindset around this phase of dating before you are exclusive should be about nothing more than collecting data.
[SPEAKER_00]: That's it.
[SPEAKER_00]: It should be a moment where you are just analyzing this person to see if they are the right match for you.
[SPEAKER_00]: If you are the right fit, it's paying attention to your compatibility, it's paying attention to
[SPEAKER_00]: his characteristics, the way that he treats you, the way that he talks, not only the way that he talks to you, but the way that he talks about things, do you view life similarly?
[SPEAKER_00]: will you be able to build a life with this person?
[SPEAKER_00]: And you should be paying attention to green flags, red flags, not ignoring your gut, not ignoring your intuition.
[SPEAKER_00]: What happens a lot in this stage of dating is that women value attention more than anything else.
[SPEAKER_00]: So they value the fact that this man is texting them or this man is calling them.
[SPEAKER_00]: Rather than putting the value in
[SPEAKER_00]: his morals, his character, how he actually makes you feel.
[SPEAKER_00]: Because there's a big difference between how somebody makes you feel versus how you feel about them based on the surface.
[SPEAKER_00]: He's funny, he's cute, he's charming, he's nice, he's sweet, I like his lifestyle, I like his friends, I like his vibe.
[SPEAKER_00]: You can like somebody based on those things, but that's not going to be what gets you for.
[SPEAKER_00]: the way that you feel about somebody should be developed based on how they actually make you feel.
[SPEAKER_00]: So this is all data that you should be collecting.
[SPEAKER_00]: It's evidence that's building their case around who they are.
[SPEAKER_00]: This is why it's really important to know what you're looking for and to have your lists and to be really intentional about dating and really intentional about
[SPEAKER_00]: vetting and asking questions and paying attention to certain things because otherwise you go into dating hoping that they like you you want to leave a good first impression which is important of course you do want to do that but you might put so much weight on like them liking you and them picking you because of course that's the norm is like the men ask you out or the men ask to progress with you or the man is the one who asks you to be his girlfriend rather than the other way around so I think
[SPEAKER_00]: we get in our head about being the one to be picked.
[SPEAKER_00]: Everybody wants to be picked whereas if you date intentionally and you date with that mindset of like I'm here to collect data I'm here to build my case to you know build the evidence on who you are as a person then your mindset and dating is show me who you are and I'll tell you if it's what I'm looking for.
[SPEAKER_00]: rather than hoping that they like you rather than instead of getting like worry just because you didn't hear from them for a few hours like oh my god is he ghosting me oh my god like does he like me does he not like me you won't get so hung up on those things because instead you're gonna pay attention to those actions you're gonna pay attention to his communication styles you're gonna pay attention to where he lacks or what he does right like I said the green flags the red flags and that's when you can say based on the data I'm collecting
[SPEAKER_00]: Is this what I'm looking for or is it not not sitting here worrying about being the one that he picks not sitting here worrying about I got to make sure I say and do the right thing I don't want to mess this up I don't want to do too much right I don't want to not do enough like you're not going to be worried about those things you're not going to be sitting here worried like does he like me does he like me?
[SPEAKER_00]: because you're going to be more focused on dating intentionally, which means, do I like him?
[SPEAKER_00]: And I mentioned red flags and I really want to emphasize this and highlight this because red flags are really important to pay attention to.
[SPEAKER_00]: And guess what?
[SPEAKER_00]: Red flags can't be hidden, at least not for long.
[SPEAKER_00]: Maybe on day one, you know, maybe in the very early stages they can if somebody is just like,
[SPEAKER_00]: showing you their representative, showing you who they want to be, showing you the version that they want to impress you with.
[SPEAKER_00]: However, down the line, people always show you their true colors, people always, you know, just the red flags reveal themselves, like let's just put it that way.
[SPEAKER_00]: And I think that for a lot of women, especially women who are single for long periods of time,
[SPEAKER_00]: We get told to just like give somebody a chance or we get told you're looking for too much.
[SPEAKER_00]: You're asking for too much like you're worried about the wrong things like we really get put down when it comes to red flags that stand out to us because everyone just wants to see us in a relationship and they make you feel like you're overreacting or like it's being blown out of proportion.
[SPEAKER_00]: But the truth is to you
[SPEAKER_00]: It triggered something, right?
[SPEAKER_00]: Like it didn't make you feel good.
[SPEAKER_00]: Like there's a reason why this flag is burning red and waving right in front of your face.
[SPEAKER_00]: Because it's a signal.
[SPEAKER_00]: Like your gut instinct is coming up.
[SPEAKER_00]: Your intuition, especially as a woman, a woman's intuition always knows.
[SPEAKER_00]: Your intuition is telling you something.
[SPEAKER_00]: And there's nothing like a woman's intuition.
[SPEAKER_00]: You have to trust your gut.
[SPEAKER_00]: So if you're seeing somebody right now and there's certain things standing out to you,
[SPEAKER_00]: that don't sit right with you.
[SPEAKER_00]: And you're maybe you're telling your friends or whatever you're confiding in somebody.
[SPEAKER_00]: And they're telling you it's not a big deal.
[SPEAKER_00]: I really wouldn't stress about that.
[SPEAKER_00]: Like they're just trying to really minimize it and make you feel like you're doing too much.
[SPEAKER_00]: Please, please, please do not value that advice.
[SPEAKER_00]: Please trust yourself.
[SPEAKER_00]: First things first, when it comes to just making decisions as an adult, the only way to do it is by trusting yourself.
[SPEAKER_00]: The only way that you should be making any decisions in life is by asking yourself what feels right,
[SPEAKER_00]: What works for you?
[SPEAKER_00]: What doesn't work for you?
[SPEAKER_00]: Asking yourself, how do I actually feel?
[SPEAKER_00]: Like, how does this thing make me feel?
[SPEAKER_00]: You know, pay attention to those feelings.
[SPEAKER_00]: It's like I said in the beginning.
[SPEAKER_00]: Like, this should be a huge indicator on how you feel about somebody.
[SPEAKER_00]: It shouldn't be about the surface level stuff.
[SPEAKER_00]: It shouldn't be about
[SPEAKER_00]: you know, just what it looks like or how we act, but the way that you feel about somebody should be based on how they actually make you feel.
[SPEAKER_00]: You know, do they make you feel like a priority?
[SPEAKER_00]: Do they make you feel, you know, like they're excited about you?
[SPEAKER_00]: Do they have urgency, you know, about you?
[SPEAKER_00]: Are they consistent with you?
[SPEAKER_00]: Those are the things that you should really be paying attention to.
[SPEAKER_00]: As opposed to somebody who's constantly telling you, I'm really busy.
[SPEAKER_00]: Like this is why you haven't heard from them all because they keep saying, oh, I'm so busy.
[SPEAKER_00]: They text you once every five days or they just text you the day of and say, Oh, or what are you doing tonight?
[SPEAKER_00]: Like they don't really put in that effort or they don't they're just not romantic when it comes to you.
[SPEAKER_00]: You have to pay attention to how these things make you feel.
[SPEAKER_00]: And if it feels like a red flag, it is a red flag.
[SPEAKER_00]: What have I said so many times?
[SPEAKER_00]: If it doesn't feel right, it isn't right.
[SPEAKER_00]: That's it.
[SPEAKER_00]: Don't let anybody else convince you otherwise.
[SPEAKER_00]: Let's go with that example of a man being low effort.
[SPEAKER_00]: Because I really think like so many women like guys that are low effort, but I really don't think that they actually like that guy.
[SPEAKER_00]: I don't even know how to.
[SPEAKER_00]: fully explained what I'm trying to say, but I think that they don't actually like him.
[SPEAKER_00]: They like the potential.
[SPEAKER_00]: They like the idea.
[SPEAKER_00]: Like I said from the beginning, they've romanticized.
[SPEAKER_00]: They like what could be.
[SPEAKER_00]: They value the attention that they get from that man.
[SPEAKER_00]: But when it comes out to it, when you look at your list of what you're looking for in a guy, I then you're collecting the data on this guy and say he's low effort in all that.
[SPEAKER_00]: This has to do with his character.
[SPEAKER_00]: This has to do with his values and his morals.
[SPEAKER_00]: This has to do with who he is as a man.
[SPEAKER_00]: He's not a man who makes effort.
[SPEAKER_00]: You know, he's not a man who is romantic.
[SPEAKER_00]: Whatever the case is.
[SPEAKER_00]: So do you actually like him?
[SPEAKER_00]: Like is that something that you actually want?
[SPEAKER_00]: I would say no considering compare your list and compare your notes versus
[SPEAKER_00]: comparing it to the data you're collecting on this guy, they're probably not going to line up because chances are when you have your list of what you're looking for in a guy.
[SPEAKER_00]: you have things on there like makes effort is romantic and all that right so again say for example this is the guy's red flag he's low effort he can't make the plans you know he tells you I'm bad at making plans you try to get him to do the make plan making once in a while and then he picks a shitty place you know he's just like uh we can go here like I don't even mean shitty place as in like
[SPEAKER_00]: cheap versus expensive I don't mean that I mean shitty places in like he picks the place that's right next to his house that he goes to all the time you know like he doesn't actually make an effort to like find a nice spot to take you to he doesn't try to look in your area he doesn't try to do anything different he just like oh yeah I live right near this apple bees I go to all the time like how about that you know like he doesn't make the effort
[SPEAKER_00]: to make anything romantic for you.
[SPEAKER_00]: He definitely does not go the extra mile for you, right?
[SPEAKER_00]: So with that, with that kind of red flag that's in front of your face, that right there tells you one of two things.
[SPEAKER_00]: One, it's either simply just how he feels about you, which would mean he's not that into you.
[SPEAKER_00]: Because you have to think about it like this.
[SPEAKER_00]: What would a man do for his dream woman?
[SPEAKER_00]: What would he do?
[SPEAKER_00]: What wouldn't he do?
[SPEAKER_00]: A man would go to the ends of the earth for his dream woman.
[SPEAKER_00]: A man would have no problem planning a nicest dinner date for his dream woman.
[SPEAKER_00]: Point blank, okay?
[SPEAKER_00]: So that's the one of two things is simply
[SPEAKER_00]: It shows you how he feels about you, which is not very fond.
[SPEAKER_00]: You know, it's like, you're certainly not a dream woman.
[SPEAKER_00]: Let's put it that way because I'm pretty sure if Megan Fox or Kim Kardashian were trying to go out with this guy, he'd be pulling all the stops, he'd be like hiring a car service, you know, like getting a nice way there, you know, taking her to a nice place, like, okay, so let's put that out there.
[SPEAKER_00]: Or the second thing, the second option that it can tell you is just simply
[SPEAKER_00]: What kind of guy he is?
[SPEAKER_00]: You know, like he just might be the kind of guy who doesn't care at all.
[SPEAKER_00]: He just might be the kind of guy who would rather a woman make the effort.
[SPEAKER_00]: Maybe he thinks he's the prize and he doesn't have to plan things.
[SPEAKER_00]: He thinks that you should be taking him out and you should be planning dates.
[SPEAKER_00]: Maybe he just feels like, you know, I've paid my dues.
[SPEAKER_00]: I've done enough.
[SPEAKER_00]: I don't want to do that anymore.
[SPEAKER_00]: I'm not into this kind of stuff.
[SPEAKER_00]: Maybe he just doesn't even value romance.
[SPEAKER_00]: Maybe he's the kind of guy who's just cool with like not being with anybody at all or you know girlfriends come and go because sometimes girls are you know the quote unquote chill girl.
[SPEAKER_00]: You know maybe that's what's always worked for him being with the chill girl who doesn't ask for anything who doesn't require much and so that's just the kind of guy he is.
[SPEAKER_00]: He doesn't have to make that sort of effort.
[SPEAKER_00]: so yet it's one of those two things either he would be the kind of guy to make the plans he would be the kind of guy to make effort but he's not into you enough or he's the kind of guy who just simply doesn't care he just isn't the kind of guy who makes effort of you know that sort so those two things right there are valid enough
[SPEAKER_00]: for you to not, you know, to not feel right about it.
[SPEAKER_00]: These are strong enough reasons to feel off.
[SPEAKER_00]: These are big enough things to consider red flags, whereas you might have somebody telling you like you're blowing an out of proportion.
[SPEAKER_00]: So what he picked a place by his house, who cares?
[SPEAKER_00]: It's not a big deal.
[SPEAKER_00]: Give him a chance.
[SPEAKER_00]: Like, you know, they might be trying to minimize
[SPEAKER_00]: what, you know, how big of a deal it actually is, whereas the truth is if it stands out to you, then it matters.
[SPEAKER_00]: And that's it.
[SPEAKER_00]: That's what makes it valid because it matters to you.
[SPEAKER_00]: Or forget even like the friends chiming in, maybe you are just putting so much value in the attention you're getting from him.
[SPEAKER_00]: So you continue speaking to him despite not feeling good about it.
[SPEAKER_00]: Like, yeah, but no one else is asking me out.
[SPEAKER_00]: So I might as well take what I could get.
[SPEAKER_00]: No one else is
[SPEAKER_00]: texting me so whatever I might as well just keep talking to him.
[SPEAKER_00]: I'll just see where it goes.
[SPEAKER_00]: Maybe the next state will be better.
[SPEAKER_00]: Like maybe you know Helen prove whatever the case is.
[SPEAKER_00]: You're putting the value in the wrong things.
[SPEAKER_00]: You're not paying attention to your own lists.
[SPEAKER_00]: You're not paying attention to your own notes.
[SPEAKER_00]: You're not paying attention to your needs to what you want.
[SPEAKER_00]: You know, like the data you're collecting would have you doing otherwise if you paid attention to these things because this is this is what I'm saying like dating should be about nothing more than looking at these things and observing them.
[SPEAKER_00]: and paying attention to how they align with your wants, your needs, your desires, your goals for a relationship.
[SPEAKER_00]: So when you're doing that, and then like looking at the bigger picture, it's like, okay, yeah, this guy is texting me, yeah, he's giving me attention, yeah, he's asking me out, but it's not aligned with what I actually want.
[SPEAKER_00]: So I'm gonna have to let this thing go.
[SPEAKER_00]: But instead, you know, you are putting the value in the wrong.
[SPEAKER_00]: place.
[SPEAKER_00]: So that's what I was trying to say when I'm like, I don't even think that girls actually like that low effort man.
[SPEAKER_00]: I think they just like the idea or they like the potential or they like the surface level things.
[SPEAKER_00]: You know, he's funny, he's charming, he's cute.
[SPEAKER_00]: Yeah, I could see myself with him.
[SPEAKER_00]: I like his lifestyle.
[SPEAKER_00]: I could see myself being a part of his lifestyle, whatever the case is.
[SPEAKER_00]: Go back to your notes, go back to the drawing board, pay attention to what makes you feel good and what makes you feel bad.
[SPEAKER_00]: Chances are you don't actually like that low effort man.
[SPEAKER_00]: and those red flags are actually red.
[SPEAKER_00]: So let's keep them red instead of trying to repaint over that green.
[SPEAKER_00]: Now it's also not to say that you can't or shouldn't tell a guy about these feelings.
[SPEAKER_00]: I'm not necessarily saying that you have to end things off the bat.
[SPEAKER_00]: because sometimes in some cases you can communicate first.
[SPEAKER_00]: So I'm not saying that you can't or shouldn't tell a guy like this is what I like, this is what I don't like, this is what I want to change.
[SPEAKER_00]: Actually, it's actually not the case at all because I think communicating is very important.
[SPEAKER_00]: I think communication is like the number one thing in dating.
[SPEAKER_00]: I've been talking about that.
[SPEAKER_00]: I've been saying like I think communication should
[SPEAKER_00]: be something that you work on and prioritize from literally day one from that first date.
[SPEAKER_00]: I've been being able to verbalize your needs is extremely important.
[SPEAKER_00]: Being able to verbalize what's working and what's not working for you should be something that you are confident and comfortable doing.
[SPEAKER_00]: I also think communication is so important in general just because if you go listen to that episode I did with Alana Dunn, what was the name of it?
[SPEAKER_00]: The episode is like
[SPEAKER_00]: from single to secure relationship, something of the story.
[SPEAKER_00]: But if you look at my podcast, you'll see a couple months go away, interviewed a lot of done.
[SPEAKER_00]: And she shared a story.
[SPEAKER_00]: We were talking about anxiety.
[SPEAKER_00]: Oh, I think it was like from anxious dating.
[SPEAKER_00]: to secure relationship.
[SPEAKER_00]: I think that was the title of the episode.
[SPEAKER_00]: But we were talking about anxiety and dating, and assuming rather than communicating, and she shared a little anecdote a little story time about her friends who are now, I don't know if they're engaged or married, but they're at least in a relationship of some sort.
[SPEAKER_00]: And on their first date, they had already known each other prior.
[SPEAKER_00]: They were already friends or like within the same friend group.
[SPEAKER_00]: but we're just like mutuals, whatever the case is.
[SPEAKER_00]: So he asked her on a date and they both didn't know how the other was feeling.
[SPEAKER_00]: Like he asked her to dinner.
[SPEAKER_00]: Let's put it that way.
[SPEAKER_00]: He didn't ask her to go specifically on a date.
[SPEAKER_00]: He asked her to get dinner with him.
[SPEAKER_00]: So in both of their minds, they were like, I don't know if this is gonna be really in date or if the other is seeing this as just a friend thing since we are kind of friends.
[SPEAKER_00]: So they both made assumptions in their own head which
[SPEAKER_00]: literally combat in each other.
[SPEAKER_00]: They went against each other without even realizing because she said, okay, I don't know if this is a data not, so I'm gonna offer this with the bill.
[SPEAKER_00]: If he accepts and lets me split the bill, then that means he sees this as just a friend thing.
[SPEAKER_00]: If he doesn't accept and that means that this is a date.
[SPEAKER_00]: He said, okay, I don't know if she's seeing this as a friend thing.
[SPEAKER_00]: So I'm gonna wait to see if she offers to split the bill.
[SPEAKER_00]: If she offers to split the bill, that means she sees this as a friend thing.
[SPEAKER_00]: If she doesn't, then that means that she let me just take her out to dinner.
[SPEAKER_00]: So she offered
[SPEAKER_00]: to test him to see if he would accept or not, to see if this is a friendly or a date.
[SPEAKER_00]: And now he said, okay, she offered, which means she sees this as a friend thing, so I'm just gonna accept.
[SPEAKER_00]: So now that he accepted, she saw it as a friend thing, because he saw it as a friend, like they basically had their own logic and assumptions work against each other when they could have just communicated.
[SPEAKER_00]: They could have just clarified this in the first place.
[SPEAKER_00]: So I'm only sharing that story, not that it's relevant to this specific topic, but because I do firmly believe in communication,
[SPEAKER_00]: from literally day one.
[SPEAKER_00]: But, but, but, but of course there's a but.
[SPEAKER_00]: I do think that it's important to keep in mind like are these simple things that can or will change or is this just someone's character and they are just simply not the guy that you are looking for?
[SPEAKER_00]: Like that is a question to ask because
[SPEAKER_00]: You have to be able to have the awareness to say like, you know, I can verbalize and communicate with this person what's lacking for me and what I might need them to work on or change.
[SPEAKER_00]: But if this is something that's like seriously a characteristic of there, like this is just who they are as a person.
[SPEAKER_00]: Is that, you know, like, is that really worth trying to do?
[SPEAKER_00]: Like, is it necessary to try to change this man to try to change who he is?
[SPEAKER_00]: especially considering it's like a new connection you just went on one or two dates you don't have much stock in this person you know there's not even that sort of relationship equity there so you really have nothing to lose it's a borderline stranger at this point so is it necessary to really try to change him or you just better off finding someone
[SPEAKER_00]: Else, who just is the kind of guy you're looking for.
[SPEAKER_00]: Someone who just does whatever it is that you need.
[SPEAKER_00]: You have to be able to answer the question of, is this discrepancy all together just a lack of compatibility?
[SPEAKER_00]: You know, like, do we just have different values altogether?
[SPEAKER_00]: Do our personalities just clash altogether?
[SPEAKER_00]: Are we just not the right fit for each other?
[SPEAKER_00]: And one of us would have to change into an entirely different person in order for us to actually
[SPEAKER_00]: be a match, you know?
[SPEAKER_00]: Or is it something simple?
[SPEAKER_00]: Like, you know, maybe it is the low effort thing or, you know, it might be little things here and there.
[SPEAKER_00]: Like, he might not even have noticed that he wasn't making the certain amount of effort that you were looking for.
[SPEAKER_00]: Like, maybe, you know, he's not used to picking girls up because maybe most girls that he meets through dating apps would rather meet him at the restaurant.
[SPEAKER_00]: So he didn't go ahead and offer
[SPEAKER_00]: to pick you up and give you a ride because he just not used to it and you know you couldn't have offered and said like or not to offer you could have asked and said like do you mind picking me up and then see how he responds to that that would be a perfect example of observing and collecting data because what he say like no like I'm not going to pick you up or what he say like oh yeah I'm sorry I didn't even offer like of course I'll pick you up you know
[SPEAKER_00]: These are things that you can pay attention to to see and observe the type of person that he is to collect that evidence.
[SPEAKER_00]: I actually have like multiple.
[SPEAKER_00]: Okay, I'm like going into the archives in my brain right now.
[SPEAKER_00]: I feel like I have four different examples and only one.
[SPEAKER_00]: actually worked out and was somebody that I continued to see as opposed to everybody else was like done after that.
[SPEAKER_00]: So the first guy, somebody went on a first date with, we went somewhere really close near me so I actually walked to the restaurant.
[SPEAKER_00]: And then when we had planned a second date, he planned it a little closer near him.
[SPEAKER_00]: And I was like, okay, well, obviously I'm not going to walk there, but I also don't want to drive.
[SPEAKER_00]: And I also don't want to have to get my own Uber.
[SPEAKER_00]: So I asked him, like, you know, when he made the plans, I was like, yeah, sure, that sounds great, but do you mind picking me up because that's closer to you?
[SPEAKER_00]: I didn't even suggest about myself.
[SPEAKER_00]: Getting there.
[SPEAKER_00]: It was just like the first thing was right in your me fine.
[SPEAKER_00]: It was a little down the block I walked the second day sure like you want me to come near you I'll come but like do you mind picking me up?
[SPEAKER_00]: You know and because I think you know I was polite about it and whatever and he just didn't even think twice about it because you know it wasn't
[SPEAKER_00]: the dynamic for the first date.
[SPEAKER_00]: He was like really receptive to that.
[SPEAKER_00]: He was like, oh yeah, of course, no problem.
[SPEAKER_00]: He was like, I feel like that's so old school.
[SPEAKER_00]: Like I can tell you're an old soul.
[SPEAKER_00]: Like, you know, or more traditional, whatever the case was, I don't remember exactly.
[SPEAKER_00]: So it was so long ago.
[SPEAKER_00]: But he said something along the lines of it being like old school.
[SPEAKER_00]: He never sees that anymore.
[SPEAKER_00]: And he hasn't actually picked up a girl from our house in a long time.
[SPEAKER_00]: And I was like, oh, yeah, like all my dates always picked me up.
[SPEAKER_00]: He was like, oh, okay, good to know for future reference.
[SPEAKER_00]: also spoiler alert.
[SPEAKER_00]: We literally never went out again after that second date.
[SPEAKER_00]: So I had nothing to do with a picking up thing, but for other reasons, it didn't work out, but that's just one example.
[SPEAKER_00]: Other examples.
[SPEAKER_00]: It did not work out.
[SPEAKER_00]: Three different guys I could think about where this was like a thing.
[SPEAKER_00]: Oh my God.
[SPEAKER_00]: I feel like I might have shared the stories on here.
[SPEAKER_00]: I don't know if they were on the podcast or if they were just on TikTok because I definitely talked about them all on TikTok.
[SPEAKER_00]: One guy was for a second date and this was a guy who was like much older than me.
[SPEAKER_00]: I'm talking.
[SPEAKER_00]: I think he was like forty or forty one.
[SPEAKER_00]: I think we're like thirteen years apart.
[SPEAKER_00]: And he came to me for first date and he lives about an hour away.
[SPEAKER_00]: Now this is somebody who came barking up my tree.
[SPEAKER_00]: Okay, like I did not seek out this man.
[SPEAKER_00]: He came back around.
[SPEAKER_00]: He was somebody from the past, you know, he failed the first time.
[SPEAKER_00]: And then he wanted to try to redeem himself the second time.
[SPEAKER_00]: So we took me out.
[SPEAKER_00]: That was fine.
[SPEAKER_00]: But then for the second date, he was like, yeah, I want you to come by me.
[SPEAKER_00]: So I was like, oh, no, like you live an hour away.
[SPEAKER_00]: I don't like to drive at night, which I don't.
[SPEAKER_00]: That's actually true.
[SPEAKER_00]: I wasn't just making that up on my way.
[SPEAKER_00]: I don't like to drive at night, and I'm obviously not taking an hour long Uber to come to you.
[SPEAKER_00]: And he went off on me.
[SPEAKER_00]: He flipped out.
[SPEAKER_00]: He's like, well,
[SPEAKER_00]: You know, you like a guy who makes effort and I like a girl who makes effort.
[SPEAKER_00]: So if you want to continue this with me, then you're gonna come to me for the second date.
[SPEAKER_00]: And I literally blocked his number, blocked his Instagram never spoke to me.
[SPEAKER_00]: I'm like, I don't know what the fuck he thought he was talking to you, but he picked the wrong girl because like that was just never gonna happen.
[SPEAKER_00]: It's so amazing how I literally met my boyfriend only a few weeks after that.
[SPEAKER_00]: This was literally January of twenty twenty three.
[SPEAKER_00]: So I met my boyfriend shortly after that.
[SPEAKER_00]: Never once to this day.
[SPEAKER_00]: We are together for a fucking year.
[SPEAKER_00]: We've been seeing each other for over a year at this point.
[SPEAKER_00]: Never once not a single time.
[SPEAKER_00]: And we go on dates every single week.
[SPEAKER_00]: He has never once asked me to drive to him ever like
[SPEAKER_00]: It just, you have to just stick to what you want, okay?
[SPEAKER_00]: You have to just go back to your list, make your observations, okay?
[SPEAKER_00]: Collect that data, collect that evidence and pay attention.
[SPEAKER_00]: When that guy said to me, oh, he sent me some like nasty text going off on me.
[SPEAKER_00]: He's like,
[SPEAKER_00]: You're gonna, oh, he said something like you're gonna drive to me end of story.
[SPEAKER_00]: He definitely said end of story and I literally was like, jokes on you because that is the end of the fucking story.
[SPEAKER_00]: You will literally never hear from me again.
[SPEAKER_00]: You might as well think I died after today.
[SPEAKER_00]: Like, I didn't even reply.
[SPEAKER_00]: Straight up ignored, blocked, deleted, goodbye.
[SPEAKER_00]: Like,
[SPEAKER_00]: such a fucking loser.
[SPEAKER_00]: Um, then yeah, the other two guys, I never even actually met their both first date guys.
[SPEAKER_00]: One, one, I mean, to meet him in the city.
[SPEAKER_00]: Mind your lived in Jersey and he was like suggesting I take the train.
[SPEAKER_00]: The kid literally sent me the map of the train and he was like, yeah, it's only like three bucks.
[SPEAKER_00]: You know, you could just take this train route.
[SPEAKER_00]: I'm like, I'm gonna take the train in New York City by myself as a woman.
[SPEAKER_00]: dressed up, you know, heels, makeup, looking nice with my purse on by myself on a Saturday, you know, nine o'clock, look what?
[SPEAKER_00]: Like, what kind of man are you?
[SPEAKER_00]: Like, do you even know, like you live in the city?
[SPEAKER_00]: Do you even know what goes on in this city?
[SPEAKER_00]: So that right there was a big no.
[SPEAKER_00]: I was just like, yeah, no, we are not aligned.
[SPEAKER_00]: What we're looking for, so goodbye, because my man would never put me at risk and tell me to take a train to meet him.
[SPEAKER_00]: If you wanna
[SPEAKER_00]: meet me that bad and you could put yourself on the damn trains come to me because that was absolutely not happening and then the other guy actually canceled on me when I asked him to drive like we had the plans of course yet again another one who wanted me to go near him
[SPEAKER_00]: And I'm like, sure, I'll come near you, but do you mind picking me up?
[SPEAKER_00]: And he was like, oh, where do you live?
[SPEAKER_00]: So I told him where I lived.
[SPEAKER_00]: And he was like, oh, okay, yeah, no problem.
[SPEAKER_00]: I'm like, okay, whatever, that worked out.
[SPEAKER_00]: And then half an hour later, he texted me.
[SPEAKER_00]: He was like, hey, something came up with my sister.
[SPEAKER_00]: I have to reschedule.
[SPEAKER_00]: I have to like go handle something with her.
[SPEAKER_00]: I was like,
[SPEAKER_00]: Good fucking buy.
[SPEAKER_00]: I didn't answer him either.
[SPEAKER_00]: Ignored, blocked, goodbye, never spoke to me again.
[SPEAKER_00]: Yeah, he just wasn't, no.
[SPEAKER_00]: So that was that.
[SPEAKER_00]: And people want to know why I'm obsessed with my man.
[SPEAKER_00]: Why am I obsessed with my man?
[SPEAKER_00]: Because look at the fucking losers out there.
[SPEAKER_00]: And he is just perfect.
[SPEAKER_00]: I'm sorry.
[SPEAKER_00]: He's just perfect.
[SPEAKER_00]: Everybody else loses.
[SPEAKER_00]: I win because he's perfect.
[SPEAKER_00]: No, I'm just kidding.
[SPEAKER_00]: I'm just kidding.
[SPEAKER_00]: Honestly, I don't even know how I ended up here in this part of the tangent, but I think what my original point was is like, you can raise your questions and concerns to them.
[SPEAKER_00]: You can ask them these questions.
[SPEAKER_00]: You can tell them
[SPEAKER_00]: what's lacking or what you need but you have to make sure that it's something trivial and simple that can change or will change with maturity and it's not just who that man is.
[SPEAKER_00]: You know like to use my boyfriend for example these are things I never had to ask for because it's just who he is to his core he is a gentleman so
[SPEAKER_00]: Picking me up was never even a question.
[SPEAKER_00]: It was just something that he had done.
[SPEAKER_00]: The first guy I mentioned.
[SPEAKER_00]: Yeah, it was a question, but he was cool about it.
[SPEAKER_00]: You know, he was fine, but then he didn't give me a hard time, but it just wasn't his natural way.
[SPEAKER_00]: That's okay.
[SPEAKER_00]: It's not only somebody's natural way, but as long as they're willing.
[SPEAKER_00]: You know, to make that change and match your energy or like meet your needs is what I'm more so mean to say.
[SPEAKER_00]: Cool.
[SPEAKER_00]: That's fine.
[SPEAKER_00]: What about the other three guys?
[SPEAKER_00]: Hopeless.
[SPEAKER_00]: Fucking hopeless.
[SPEAKER_00]: It's so clear.
[SPEAKER_00]: It's so vividly and abundantly clear why they are single, especially the one who went off on me.
[SPEAKER_00]: That's like, forty one years old.
[SPEAKER_00]: Yeah, not shocking.
[SPEAKER_00]: You're single.
[SPEAKER_00]: for this very reason, yelling at me because I didn't want to drive at night in hour to you.
[SPEAKER_00]: But I'm not even the one pursuing you.
[SPEAKER_00]: You are pursuing me.
[SPEAKER_00]: So like, if this is how you plan on doing it, you know, we weren't going to make it very far.
[SPEAKER_00]: So yeah, these guys are just hopeless.
[SPEAKER_00]: It's who they are.
[SPEAKER_00]: For the other two, you know, we had never met before.
[SPEAKER_00]: So maybe, you know, in their defense, if I were to see it from their perspective, they're like, well, I'm not going to go out of my way.
[SPEAKER_00]: to drive to her if I you know never met her if I don't know her and that's perfectly fine but that just validates that original point which is like they don't like you enough you know for them they didn't know me enough so it wasn't worth it to them but I think if
[SPEAKER_00]: Maybe I was someone that they really truly liked.
[SPEAKER_00]: Maybe there could have been hope for them.
[SPEAKER_00]: I mean, I don't know.
[SPEAKER_00]: I don't know.
[SPEAKER_00]: Then personally to know if it's who they are as men or if it's just a matter of them not liking me enough.
[SPEAKER_00]: But it goes back to my original two points.
[SPEAKER_00]: It either tells you how they feel about you or it tells you what kind of guy he is.
[SPEAKER_00]: It's that simple.
[SPEAKER_00]: And another thing that is really important to note is when you do start liking
[SPEAKER_00]: You know, a guy say that you went on a first date and you really liked him and you're excited about him and now you're going on to the second or you already went on to and you're going on to the third.
[SPEAKER_00]: Whatever the case is, once you start liking a guy, please do not lower your standards.
[SPEAKER_00]: This all ties into this because you have to pay attention, you know, to, like I've been saying throughout this whole episode, to them like, you know, you're taking those notes, you're collecting that data, you're paying attention to the green flags and the red flags.
[SPEAKER_00]: if there are certain things that you don't like.
[SPEAKER_00]: Like a certain date you don't want to go on.
[SPEAKER_00]: Like tell them if there's certain things that don't feel right to you, don't start lowering your standards because you like them.
[SPEAKER_00]: And because you feel like, oh, you know, like, actually not the end of the world if I just accept X, Y, and Z. Like you're going to only receive what you accept.
[SPEAKER_00]: So if you want to receive the romance, the grand gestures, that has to be the only thing that you accept.
[SPEAKER_00]: Whereas if you start accepting low effort, somebody, you know, kind of showing you that they're not even all that interested in you, somebody overstepping your boundaries, somebody not respecting you, somebody making you feel uncomfortable or pushing you to do things that you're not ready for, whatever the case is, do not be afraid to reject that, do not be afraid to say no.
[SPEAKER_00]: Do not start lowering your standards.
[SPEAKER_00]: What do you start liking the guy?
[SPEAKER_00]: I'm gonna give you an example based on someone that was commenting me on TikTok.
[SPEAKER_00]: So I had a girl comment one of my dating advice videos saying something like, what if they keep asking you to come over?
[SPEAKER_00]: But you never even kissed them yet and you've already gone on six dates.
[SPEAKER_00]: So I asked her to clarify.
[SPEAKER_00]: I was like, what does that mean?
[SPEAKER_00]: Does that mean that you don't want to kiss them?
[SPEAKER_00]: Does that mean that you like them?
[SPEAKER_00]: Don't like them.
[SPEAKER_00]: Like you've gone on six dates.
[SPEAKER_00]: You've never kissed yet.
[SPEAKER_00]: they're asking you to come over but you keep saying no like I don't understand the context so she said no I want to kiss him like I like him but I feel like going over his house indicates sleeping with him or them getting the idea of like us being even more intimate
[SPEAKER_00]: Like, am I wrong?
[SPEAKER_00]: Isn't it too early?
[SPEAKER_00]: Like, we literally never even kissed yet.
[SPEAKER_00]: So why would I feel comfortable going over your house where things get even more, you know, like, frisky in that sense?
[SPEAKER_00]: Like, she'd rather, you know, go out on dates with them and have a first kiss out and get more comfortable with them before actually go to his house, which I completely agree on.
[SPEAKER_00]: So I did make a whole video talking about like, I am team, no house dates.
[SPEAKER_00]: This is just my opinion, but I would not do house dates with someone I'm not exclusive with.
[SPEAKER_00]: I wouldn't go over your house.
[SPEAKER_00]: if you're just someone that I'm casually seeing and we have not had a conversation of like.
[SPEAKER_00]: you know, being exclusive.
[SPEAKER_00]: Like, if I'm still open to seeing other people and you're still open to seeing other people, why would we go over each other's house?
[SPEAKER_00]: Like, that is when things get too intimate, too close.
[SPEAKER_00]: Like, I just wouldn't do that.
[SPEAKER_00]: I am against that.
[SPEAKER_00]: And so she had commented back saying, like, oh my God, thank you for giving, you know, your input.
[SPEAKER_00]: I really wanted, you know, to know what you have to say.
[SPEAKER_00]: I feel so relieved because I said no to going over his house.
[SPEAKER_00]: And then in turn, he canceled the date altogether and we haven't talked since.
[SPEAKER_00]: Like, that was it.
[SPEAKER_00]: He canceled the date.
[SPEAKER_00]: He canceled even hanging out with her spending time with her taking her out because she wouldn't go over his house and stop talking to her after that.
[SPEAKER_00]: And this is a prime example of why you stick to your guns.
[SPEAKER_00]: This is why you do not lower your standards for fucking
[SPEAKER_00]: Anybody, I don't care who they are.
[SPEAKER_00]: If this woman would have lowered her standards, what do you think would have happened?
[SPEAKER_00]: She would have been so upset.
[SPEAKER_00]: So disappointed with herself.
[SPEAKER_00]: She would have been in such an uncomfortable situation.
[SPEAKER_00]: And listen, it wouldn't be her fault.
[SPEAKER_00]: I can like almost hear it coming out as if like I would be blaming her.
[SPEAKER_00]: I wouldn't be.
[SPEAKER_00]: It's not that it's her fault.
[SPEAKER_00]: But she would have put herself in a situation that she knew better not to put herself into like she should have
[SPEAKER_00]: Send no or like say that she did end up going or then things went exactly how she knew They were going to go she would have in turn regretted not trusting her gut She would have been like I should have listened to my intuition I shouldn't have gone I should have said no I should have stuck to my guns I should have stuck to my own morals my own values I should have stuck to what I'm looking for in a man, you know like this is why I say all you should be doing in this phase is collecting data
[SPEAKER_00]: Are they what you're looking for or are they not?
[SPEAKER_00]: It is that black and white.
[SPEAKER_00]: It is that simple.
[SPEAKER_00]: And this man showed her that he's not.
[SPEAKER_00]: What have I said since the beginning?
[SPEAKER_00]: Show me who you are and I will tell you if it's what I'm looking for.
[SPEAKER_00]: This man showed her it is not what she is looking for.
[SPEAKER_00]: Clearly, he did not have good intentions with her.
[SPEAKER_00]: Clearly, inviting her over was a big red flag.
[SPEAKER_00]: And she paid attention to that red flag.
[SPEAKER_00]: I can almost guarantee because she said, you know, I was so confused.
[SPEAKER_00]: I wanted your input.
[SPEAKER_00]: I can almost guarantee that she had, you know, maybe friends or other people in her ear telling her like, just go, you know, we'll be bad.
[SPEAKER_00]: Just do it.
[SPEAKER_00]: Like, clearly she was
[SPEAKER_00]: You know, having a hard time making the decision and I am glad that I got to her comment with enough time.
[SPEAKER_00]: I'm glad that I, you know, got back to her fast enough before, you know, it was too late.
[SPEAKER_00]: But she probably was really conflicted of like, should I?
[SPEAKER_00]: You should and I went to me.
[SPEAKER_00]: What have I said on TikTok from two years ago?
[SPEAKER_00]: If it's not a fuck, yes, it's a no.
[SPEAKER_00]: You know, so if you are conflicted, if you're like, should I or should I?
[SPEAKER_00]: That to me is already enough of an indication for it to be a no.
[SPEAKER_00]: Because to me, it's as clear as that, like, you'll know if it's a yes.
[SPEAKER_00]: So if it's a maybe, if it's an, I don't know, if it's a, it's hard to decide, then it's clearly not a yes, right?
[SPEAKER_00]: It has to be a fuck yes.
[SPEAKER_00]: It has to be an all the way.
[SPEAKER_00]: Yes, it has to be, I am a hundred percent certain that I feel good about this.
[SPEAKER_00]: This feels right to me.
[SPEAKER_00]: Yes, yes.
[SPEAKER_00]: This aligns with what I'm looking for.
[SPEAKER_00]: This evidence and this data that I'm collecting lines up with the notes that I've been taking of what I want in a man.
[SPEAKER_00]: This lines up with what I value.
[SPEAKER_00]: So if it's not that, if it's confusion, if it's uncertainty, if it's insecurity,
[SPEAKER_00]: If it's conflict of, you know, I don't want to say no, because then he's not going to like me.
[SPEAKER_00]: That right there is not a strong enough conviction to do something.
[SPEAKER_00]: That is actually the complete opposite.
[SPEAKER_00]: That to me is a strong enough conviction that it is a fuck no.
[SPEAKER_00]: So my point is do not start lowering your standard just because you've been on a few dates.
[SPEAKER_00]: She's like, yeah, I like this guy.
[SPEAKER_00]: Yeah, I want to kiss this guy.
[SPEAKER_00]: But I don't feel comfortable going over his house yet.
[SPEAKER_00]: And I'm so glad that she stuck to that because now she sees actually I don't like this guy.
[SPEAKER_00]: Actually, I'm glad I didn't even kiss this guy at all.
[SPEAKER_00]: So for right now, you feel confused if you feel like you're in a position where
[SPEAKER_00]: You kind of like someone, but maybe your morals are being questioned or you're being swayed or pulled in different directions and you have confusion, please let this be your sign.
[SPEAKER_00]: Let this be your message.
[SPEAKER_00]: Let me be your voice of reason if anything at all.
[SPEAKER_00]: You're going to be okay without this person.
[SPEAKER_00]: You don't need to be picked by this person.
[SPEAKER_00]: You don't need to do something to make sure that they like you.
[SPEAKER_00]: You see how she said, I said no to going over his house and now he dead in me.
[SPEAKER_00]: Basically, he canceled the date we never spoke since.
[SPEAKER_00]: That man did her a favor.
[SPEAKER_00]: That was a blessing in disguise.
[SPEAKER_00]: Trust me when I say that that worked out on her favorite even if at the forefront you might be like upset that they stopped talking to you.
[SPEAKER_00]: You might be like, oh, but I really like to my can't leave I messed it up.
[SPEAKER_00]: You can't mess anything up.
[SPEAKER_00]: You cannot mess up what is meant to be.
[SPEAKER_00]: It's just simply not possible.
[SPEAKER_00]: If this is going to be your person, then how could you mess it up?
[SPEAKER_00]: And the right person, whenever put you in a position that makes you feel uncomfortable.
[SPEAKER_00]: Use my example of the guy who was trying to force me to go to him when I straight up told him, I don't feel comfortable doing that.
[SPEAKER_00]: I literally said, I don't like to drive at night.
[SPEAKER_00]: I don't feel safe.
[SPEAKER_00]: I don't feel comfortable.
[SPEAKER_00]: And the second that a woman tells you that she doesn't feel safe or comfortable, that should be the end of that.
[SPEAKER_00]: That should be it.
[SPEAKER_00]: Your job as a man in my opinion is to make that woman feel safe and comfortable.
[SPEAKER_00]: That is your job for your woman to feel safe and comfortable in your presence, which is why I would never be his woman, which is why he would never have someone like me because you couldn't make me feel
[SPEAKER_00]: safe and comfortable in your presence.
[SPEAKER_00]: You should be such a man that your woman would follow you blindly.
[SPEAKER_00]: But instead, if he knows he's making you feel uncomfortable and he's pressuring you for his benefit, for his gain.
[SPEAKER_00]: That is not your man and you have quite literally nothing to lose.
[SPEAKER_00]: So do not be afraid to let them walk away.
[SPEAKER_00]: Do not be afraid to let them remove themselves from your life.
[SPEAKER_00]: Quite frankly, you should be thanking them.
[SPEAKER_00]: It is that simple.
[SPEAKER_00]: So no matter what you have going on, no matter how much you like this guy, no matter how far along your situation, ship is going, that's how we'll be want.
[SPEAKER_00]: is about serious relationships, it's about true commitment, it's about two partners coexisting in harmony, it's about making each other feel safe and comfortable and confident, it's about being aligned with your partner and it's in no way shape or form and at no point in time, should you ever feel like you have to compromise your values, your morals, your character,
[SPEAKER_00]: your integrity never, okay?
[SPEAKER_00]: So please remember, dating is about collecting data, that is it, especially non-exclusive dating.
[SPEAKER_00]: You do you, let them do them, let them show you who they are, and then you decide if that's what you're looking for.
[SPEAKER_00]: And that's it, that's all we have for today.
[SPEAKER_00]: Thank you girls so much for listening until next time girls.