WEBVTT 00:00.091 --> 00:03.693 [SPEAKER_01]: You're listening to a four-the-girl's podcast, Flashback Friday episode. 00:04.233 --> 00:13.499 [SPEAKER_01]: Every Friday, I re-share an older episode for new listeners who haven't heard it, or as a refresher for OG listeners, who might need to hear it again as a reminder. 00:14.019 --> 00:16.701 [SPEAKER_01]: Enjoy, and I'll see you with a new episode on Monday. 00:18.362 --> 00:20.343 [SPEAKER_00]: Settling is not an option. 00:20.543 --> 00:22.885 [SPEAKER_00]: Everything I desire is already mine. 00:22.925 --> 00:24.426 [SPEAKER_00]: What if you can have it all? 00:24.506 --> 00:26.527 [SPEAKER_00]: Because every day is for the girls. 00:27.982 --> 00:29.143 [SPEAKER_01]: Hello, hello. 00:29.223 --> 00:31.584 [SPEAKER_01]: Welcome back to another episode of For The Girls. 00:31.824 --> 00:33.925 [SPEAKER_01]: I'm your host, Victoria, Elario. 00:34.525 --> 00:42.029 [SPEAKER_01]: And today we're diving into some relationship advice for when you're having some issues. 00:42.169 --> 00:50.553 [SPEAKER_01]: I think this one is going to be really good to hear whether you are actually in a relationship or single because it's kind of what I said in the last episode. 00:50.833 --> 00:53.775 [SPEAKER_01]: There's nothing better than preparing and being 00:54.295 --> 00:55.756 [SPEAKER_01]: ready for a relationship. 00:55.796 --> 01:01.120 [SPEAKER_01]: So if you're a single girl listening or starting this episode and you're like, oh, a relationship advice. 01:01.140 --> 01:01.800 [SPEAKER_01]: This isn't for me. 01:01.860 --> 01:02.381 [SPEAKER_01]: I'm single. 01:03.281 --> 01:08.025 [SPEAKER_01]: I still recommend giving it a listen because I think it very much might still be good for you. 01:08.185 --> 01:14.249 [SPEAKER_01]: A lot of people get into relationships and don't know how to handle problems within the relationship. 01:14.309 --> 01:14.950 [SPEAKER_01]: They don't know 01:15.390 --> 01:20.916 [SPEAKER_01]: how to address issues or communicate issues or they don't know what's considered big or what's considered small. 01:21.377 --> 01:32.790 [SPEAKER_01]: I know a lot of girls get afraid of like blowing things out of proportion or for example say that's something seems like it's a really big red flag to them but they're like I don't know am I just like 01:33.190 --> 01:36.012 [SPEAKER_01]: being nitpicky, am I just like doing too much now? 01:36.713 --> 01:42.638 [SPEAKER_01]: You know, certain things where girls don't feel justified in their feelings. 01:42.658 --> 01:47.703 [SPEAKER_01]: You know, like they don't feel valid for the way that something makes them feel. 01:47.923 --> 01:55.109 [SPEAKER_01]: And I think that has to do a lot with the whole like society's like societal pressure to 01:56.593 --> 01:57.814 [SPEAKER_01]: be in a relationship. 01:57.914 --> 02:13.611 [SPEAKER_01]: Like, it's almost as if people would rather you settle and deal with things just for the sake of having a partner than standing up for yourself, getting out of, you know, a heart situation, a tough situation, getting rid of like, you know, the red flags and being single. 02:13.771 --> 02:16.735 [SPEAKER_01]: Like, people would just rather you be in a relationship than be single. 02:16.815 --> 02:18.717 [SPEAKER_01]: So they tend to make you feel 02:19.542 --> 02:23.684 [SPEAKER_01]: like bad things aren't necessarily that bad. 02:23.884 --> 02:40.133 [SPEAKER_01]: This is why it's really important during your single phase to learn yourself and learn what you want, what your non-negotiables are, what your absolute needs are, your must have what you will not settle for, what you will not stand for. 02:40.640 --> 02:53.699 [SPEAKER_01]: what your values are, what your morals are, what's going to take top priority, what's at the top of your totem pole, what's making its way to the bottom of your totem pole, like for me, something that used to be on my list. 02:53.759 --> 02:55.501 [SPEAKER_01]: I mean, I'm talking years ago. 02:56.262 --> 03:24.622 [SPEAKER_01]: would be about like their style and it's not like I'm saying my boyfriend has bad style but it's just not important to me now at this point um you know as I've gotten older and more mature I've been like okay am I really gonna put on my list about like the way that he dresses you know like if he checks every other box but maybe his style is a little bit questionable is that really gonna be the end all be all no it's not you know so certain things you have to really figure out like 03:25.728 --> 03:35.622 [SPEAKER_01]: what are the most important and what are things that you will absolutely not tolerate, things that as soon as you even get a whiff of it, that'll be the end of it. 03:35.662 --> 03:42.411 [SPEAKER_01]: Like, certain things you might say, okay, if they did this once, we could talk through it, work on it. 03:43.347 --> 03:47.650 [SPEAKER_01]: and I'll be able to express my feelings and then he'll learn and grow from it. 03:48.350 --> 03:53.974 [SPEAKER_01]: Other things you might be like, nope, the slightest sign of that, you're out, you're done. 03:54.174 --> 04:00.899 [SPEAKER_01]: Knowing your values and morals is going to be really, really, really important to see how compatible you are with someone to see. 04:01.519 --> 04:05.501 [SPEAKER_01]: if you align with someone and it could be on a variety of things. 04:05.581 --> 04:12.504 [SPEAKER_01]: It doesn't only have to be things like religion and politics, which I do find to be very important, especially in today's society. 04:12.584 --> 04:28.692 [SPEAKER_01]: I know that those things are very, very polarizing and I would imagine that it would be extremely hard to be in a relationship with someone that you have such differing views and opinions on, you know, religiously and politically, but it's bigger than that, too. 04:29.717 --> 04:55.937 [SPEAKER_01]: Things like even alcohol, drugs, how you want to raise your kids, what kind of life that you see for yourself, how many kids do you want to see yourself in a big house and investing your money into your home or putting the money into other things and living in a small, more modest home and going on more luxury travel instead. 04:56.597 --> 04:59.660 [SPEAKER_01]: or doing both of those things or neither of those things. 04:59.940 --> 05:02.703 [SPEAKER_01]: How would you reprimand or punish your kids? 05:02.783 --> 05:04.464 [SPEAKER_01]: What kind of school would you put them in? 05:04.685 --> 05:06.967 [SPEAKER_01]: How do you view money and finances? 05:07.027 --> 05:08.168 [SPEAKER_01]: How do you view saving? 05:08.268 --> 05:09.489 [SPEAKER_01]: How do you view spending? 05:09.669 --> 05:12.411 [SPEAKER_01]: How important is the car that you drive to you? 05:12.792 --> 05:21.439 [SPEAKER_01]: What are your values around sex and waiting for sex or doing it right away or what types of sex and what kind of sex that you want to have? 05:21.500 --> 05:22.000 [SPEAKER_01]: How do you just 05:22.465 --> 05:28.430 [SPEAKER_01]: feel about sex as a whole, or what about something like porn? 05:28.690 --> 05:35.156 [SPEAKER_01]: porn is a really, really big one to make sure you're on the same page about. 05:37.182 --> 05:54.287 [SPEAKER_01]: I am going to go on the record and say I've actually never watched porn which I think might be like something shocking or unbelievable like I feel like any time I've ever said that people are like no way that's not true everybody's watched porn and I'm like I honestly haven't like 05:54.747 --> 05:56.848 [SPEAKER_01]: It just goes against my morals. 05:56.928 --> 06:06.390 [SPEAKER_01]: And I honestly don't even judge people who do watch like within moderation, but it's just, it's not for me. 06:06.430 --> 06:12.191 [SPEAKER_01]: It doesn't go with me, it doesn't go with what I stand for, what I believe in, what I feel is right for me. 06:12.291 --> 06:14.772 [SPEAKER_01]: It's just not my vibe. 06:15.432 --> 06:21.794 [SPEAKER_01]: And why I'm talking about this is because we have a dear victorious omission that I really wanted to talk about. 06:22.554 --> 06:31.779 [SPEAKER_01]: in regards to this topic on having issues and problems in your relationship because we have one where her partner is addicted to porn. 06:31.999 --> 06:35.301 [SPEAKER_01]: Now, here is what I've learned in relationships. 06:35.341 --> 06:43.125 [SPEAKER_01]: Here is what has made the most sense to me when I've had any form of an argument with my boyfriend whatsoever. 06:43.145 --> 06:48.548 [SPEAKER_01]: And it's by asking myself this question, does this problem have a solution? 06:50.272 --> 06:53.534 [SPEAKER_01]: And to be honest with you, we've never actually thought about anything serious. 06:53.594 --> 07:01.457 [SPEAKER_01]: It's never actually been anything major or groundbreaking, never a deal breaking situation, which we absolutely love. 07:01.517 --> 07:03.538 [SPEAKER_01]: It's a very healthy dynamic. 07:03.939 --> 07:08.361 [SPEAKER_01]: But of course, we're human and people in relationships argue about things. 07:08.781 --> 07:16.225 [SPEAKER_01]: So whenever that has happened, that's just what I've had to reflect on and ask myself, like, what is the solution to this problem? 07:16.725 --> 07:16.785 [SPEAKER_01]: Or 07:17.426 --> 07:18.769 [SPEAKER_01]: Is there a solution at all? 07:18.990 --> 07:20.635 [SPEAKER_01]: Is there no solution to this problem? 07:21.036 --> 07:25.308 [SPEAKER_01]: And every single time I have been able to answer that question with 07:25.698 --> 07:47.121 [SPEAKER_01]: a solution on what my needs would be or what his needs would be or what the common ground the middle ground would be like what would be you know the consensus of either one of us like compromising or whatever the case might be there's always been a solution to this problem and to me I think that's my biggest 07:48.004 --> 07:56.009 [SPEAKER_01]: tip like for people in relationships that are struggling is to be able to answer that question honest and truly. 07:56.149 --> 08:02.133 [SPEAKER_01]: And if you can't answer that question, then I think that tells you everything you need to know. 08:02.153 --> 08:09.158 [SPEAKER_01]: I think if you're having a problem with your partner and you ask, what is the solution to this problem? 08:09.738 --> 08:11.339 [SPEAKER_01]: and you can't come up with anything. 08:11.960 --> 08:14.601 [SPEAKER_01]: That tells you, every thing you need to know. 08:15.282 --> 08:21.946 [SPEAKER_01]: If you ask, does this solution, does this problem, sorry, does this problem even have a solution? 08:22.907 --> 08:27.470 [SPEAKER_01]: And the answer is no, then that tells you when it's time to walk away. 08:28.230 --> 08:32.233 [SPEAKER_01]: That tells you when it's time to maybe stop fighting for this to workout. 08:32.733 --> 08:38.337 [SPEAKER_01]: Because if you cannot solve these problems together, how will you get through life together? 08:39.335 --> 08:47.479 [SPEAKER_01]: because every relationship is going to have problems, but you have to decide how big or small those problems are. 08:47.980 --> 08:50.281 [SPEAKER_01]: Sometimes they're honestly good problems to have. 08:50.341 --> 08:52.882 [SPEAKER_01]: Like, oh, my boyfriend calls me way too much. 08:52.962 --> 08:55.584 [SPEAKER_01]: Like, I would say that's a pretty good freaking problem to have. 08:55.944 --> 09:01.947 [SPEAKER_01]: If that's the biggest issue you got going on, then I would say, you know, I would consider yourself to be quite lucky, right? 09:02.487 --> 09:06.529 [SPEAKER_01]: So sometimes you have to really just look at what the problem actually is. 09:06.950 --> 09:07.430 [SPEAKER_01]: Now to me, 09:08.010 --> 09:09.391 [SPEAKER_01]: Problems like cheating. 09:09.791 --> 09:11.052 [SPEAKER_01]: There's no solution to that. 09:11.553 --> 09:13.194 [SPEAKER_01]: You cannot solve that problem. 09:13.594 --> 09:14.895 [SPEAKER_01]: The damage is done. 09:15.316 --> 09:16.817 [SPEAKER_01]: That cannot be changed. 09:17.177 --> 09:19.058 [SPEAKER_01]: He cheated or she cheated. 09:19.439 --> 09:20.840 [SPEAKER_01]: They broke the trust. 09:20.980 --> 09:22.241 [SPEAKER_01]: They broke the loyalty. 09:22.281 --> 09:28.866 [SPEAKER_01]: They broke the bond that was set when you guys decided to be in a relationship. 09:28.926 --> 09:32.869 [SPEAKER_01]: From the minute you decided to be exclusive, there is a commitment there. 09:33.069 --> 09:35.530 [SPEAKER_01]: And that commitment should only come to an end. 09:36.411 --> 09:47.340 [SPEAKER_01]: when it is consciously decided to end it, whether it's a mutual decision or at least one of the two made the decision and communicated it clearly to the other. 09:47.921 --> 09:52.304 [SPEAKER_01]: Both people in the commitment have to know that it's over. 09:52.504 --> 09:56.127 [SPEAKER_01]: Both people have to know that there is no longer a commitment there. 09:56.628 --> 09:59.330 [SPEAKER_01]: So if that commitment is now broken by one party 10:01.860 --> 10:08.765 [SPEAKER_01]: doing something behind the other parties back, lacking integrity, breaking the trust. 10:09.826 --> 10:12.868 [SPEAKER_01]: Then that right there is a problem that has no solution. 10:13.349 --> 10:16.731 [SPEAKER_01]: And that right there to me is unforgivable. 10:17.612 --> 10:22.616 [SPEAKER_01]: And there's really no way to move forward from that, which I feel like nowadays 10:23.842 --> 10:27.726 [SPEAKER_01]: A lot of people do somehow, maybe it's easier said than done. 10:27.906 --> 10:28.306 [SPEAKER_01]: I don't know. 10:28.506 --> 10:31.549 [SPEAKER_01]: I personally don't think I could ever be with my partner if they cheated on me. 10:31.850 --> 10:35.353 [SPEAKER_01]: But I do know some people somehow work it out, so I don't know. 10:35.373 --> 10:36.614 [SPEAKER_01]: I'll put that disclaimer out there. 10:36.654 --> 10:47.144 [SPEAKER_01]: But for me, in my opinion, that is an example of something that when you ask yourself, what is the solution to this problem, there wouldn't be one. 10:47.818 --> 10:50.419 [SPEAKER_01]: because that's just a problem that cannot be solved. 10:50.519 --> 11:05.763 [SPEAKER_01]: This is also why I really think that the whole compatibility thing and vetting really getting to know each other's morals and values beforehand is extremely important because that's another problem that doesn't necessarily have a solution. 11:05.803 --> 11:15.225 [SPEAKER_01]: Like if you and your partner have completely different views on life, different outlooks on life, let's use the politics, for example, where 11:15.745 --> 11:17.747 [SPEAKER_01]: You're both so far opposite. 11:17.787 --> 11:21.710 [SPEAKER_01]: Like one person is really far left and the other person is really far right. 11:22.291 --> 11:24.913 [SPEAKER_01]: Maybe you're both like extreme on either end. 11:26.543 --> 11:38.230 [SPEAKER_01]: That's a problem of incompatibility, which ultimately might not, or to me, does not have a solution, because you just view the world from a completely different lens. 11:38.731 --> 11:49.877 [SPEAKER_01]: Therefore, you will always be probably arguing to even see where the other person is coming from, to even be able to get inside their head and understand 11:50.958 --> 11:57.482 [SPEAKER_01]: How they think about a situation one way when you think about that same situation, the complete opposite way. 11:57.702 --> 12:06.667 [SPEAKER_01]: I'm not necessarily saying that it's impossible to be in a relationship that you have differing views with someone on, but I do think it would make the relationship really really hard. 12:06.707 --> 12:16.033 [SPEAKER_01]: I think there'd be a lot of resentment there, and then that ultimately leads to an unhealthy relationship, which to me just ultimately doesn't work. 12:16.732 --> 12:20.013 [SPEAKER_01]: You can't necessarily raise kids on the same page. 12:20.093 --> 12:25.856 [SPEAKER_01]: If you guys were to choose to have kids, it would be differing views on how you're going to change your kids. 12:25.896 --> 12:35.760 [SPEAKER_01]: The only possible solution, if you were to ask that question, what's the social status problem would be one person changing their mind for the other. 12:37.599 --> 12:42.904 [SPEAKER_01]: if your people who, you know, are really strong in your beliefs that I don't really think that's going to happen. 12:43.285 --> 12:46.888 [SPEAKER_01]: So again, that's another example to me of this problem does not have a solution. 12:47.149 --> 12:58.940 [SPEAKER_01]: An example of a problem that does have a solution could be something as trivial as not feeling comfortable with who your boyfriend follows on Instagram or the photos that he likes. 12:59.681 --> 13:02.843 [SPEAKER_01]: That right there would be, okay, what's the solution to this problem? 13:03.303 --> 13:18.790 [SPEAKER_01]: Communicating with him that it makes you uncomfortable for him to follow XYZ or for him to follow ABC's photos and him obliging and saying, okay, sorry, I didn't even realize that the major uncomfortable it honestly wasn't intentional. 13:19.230 --> 13:29.155 [SPEAKER_01]: I just never unfollowed them from the past or I don't know, I just scrolled past and always liked the photos without even thinking twice about it, but you're right, like I shouldn't be liking photos or I shouldn't be following 13:29.818 --> 13:32.499 [SPEAKER_01]: this person from my past, so I'll unfollow them for you. 13:32.959 --> 13:36.441 [SPEAKER_01]: That right there is a solution to that problem. 13:36.561 --> 13:57.270 [SPEAKER_01]: Another problem that has a solution, something like long distance, now that may be easier said than done, it may be really hard if you both have lives in different states or different countries or whatever, but there is a solution and that is for one of you to move to the other or for both of you to decide for a place to move together. 13:58.578 --> 14:03.460 [SPEAKER_01]: It might not be that easy, but realistically, that would be the solutions of the problem. 14:03.800 --> 14:10.863 [SPEAKER_01]: I live here, you live there, okay, one of us is going to have to move to be near the other and for us to be together and have an in-person relationship. 14:11.643 --> 14:12.944 [SPEAKER_01]: And there you go, problem solved. 14:13.064 --> 14:17.165 [SPEAKER_01]: You could even go as far as to work on emotional availability. 14:17.345 --> 14:21.527 [SPEAKER_01]: Now, to solve that problem is going to take a lot of work. 14:22.468 --> 14:37.576 [SPEAKER_01]: But if the relationship is good, otherwise, and it's something that you really believe firmly in, like if it's a relationship that you think is worth saving and fighting for, then you absolutely can work on that issue together. 14:37.596 --> 14:44.560 [SPEAKER_01]: It would require the partner who is really emotionally unavailable to do a lot of inner work. 14:45.280 --> 14:47.844 [SPEAKER_01]: But if they think their relationship is worth it, then they're going to do it. 14:47.984 --> 15:00.283 [SPEAKER_01]: Whether that be reading books, listening to podcasts, going to therapy, journaling, or just like talking with you and communicating with you and really like having these deep intense conversations on. 15:00.797 --> 15:04.940 [SPEAKER_01]: what's lacking and what needs to be worked through and how to better communicate and what not. 15:05.500 --> 15:07.761 [SPEAKER_01]: There's going to be a way to solve that problem. 15:07.841 --> 15:09.683 [SPEAKER_01]: It just may not be a short term thing. 15:09.723 --> 15:11.264 [SPEAKER_01]: It may be long term. 15:11.304 --> 15:16.667 [SPEAKER_01]: But ultimately, you can help your partner become more vulnerable and work through it. 15:16.727 --> 15:22.731 [SPEAKER_01]: You also have to give people grace when they are emotionally unavailable because it's not necessarily always intentional. 15:23.281 --> 15:39.542 [SPEAKER_01]: sometimes people are just really traumatized from their past and they have these wounds that make them, you know, close off to people or make them really hard-shelled and just make it hard for them to be vulnerable or to be emotionally available to people. 15:39.582 --> 15:41.664 [SPEAKER_01]: So it's not necessarily like that person. 15:42.325 --> 15:49.973 [SPEAKER_01]: is doing something bad or hurtful intentionally, they might just be really struggling on their own, like in their head. 15:50.053 --> 15:54.498 [SPEAKER_01]: And so, yes, of course, you can solve that problem with them by working on it with them. 15:54.618 --> 15:57.401 [SPEAKER_01]: There's a million different examples we could plug in here. 15:57.641 --> 16:03.547 [SPEAKER_01]: So think about your own situation and ask yourself that question, does this problem have a solution? 16:04.062 --> 16:12.725 [SPEAKER_01]: and that right there will be able to tell you when it's time to break up or if this is something that you can work out together. 16:12.905 --> 16:15.566 [SPEAKER_01]: This is as tangible as it can possibly get. 16:15.846 --> 16:21.307 [SPEAKER_01]: So now let's dig a little bit deeper and get into that whole porn scenario because I got a lot more to say to that. 16:21.567 --> 16:29.530 [SPEAKER_01]: So, dear Victoria, I know I asked you a question before about my boyfriend not posting me and your advice really helped me from overthinking. 16:30.250 --> 16:31.971 [SPEAKER_01]: What are your thoughts on porn addiction? 16:32.431 --> 16:34.692 [SPEAKER_01]: My boyfriend and I have been dating for a year and a half. 16:34.932 --> 16:41.516 [SPEAKER_01]: I found out he has a porn addiction and caught him multiple times, saving random women's sexy and naked photos. 16:42.036 --> 16:46.658 [SPEAKER_01]: I also noticed he goes to the bathroom in the middle of the night for an hour with his phone. 16:47.258 --> 16:50.580 [SPEAKER_01]: I told him how I felt about it and I don't like him to continue doing it. 16:50.960 --> 16:57.248 [SPEAKER_01]: and we've had this conversation a lot of times, but he still did it despite him swearing that he will never do it again. 16:57.268 --> 17:05.438 [SPEAKER_01]: I went through his phone one time and saw a lot of photos from random women on TikTok, Instagram, wherever, and now I can't take it anymore. 17:05.970 --> 17:17.978 [SPEAKER_01]: This time I had a serious conversation with him that if you, that you need to seek professional help, what she did, but the things that I saw on his phone are crazy and I can't remove it from my head and I'm very hurt. 17:18.398 --> 17:21.481 [SPEAKER_01]: He said he will continue doing therapy and to give him one more chance. 17:21.681 --> 17:23.682 [SPEAKER_01]: Do you think he will ever change? 17:23.982 --> 17:29.086 [SPEAKER_01]: Now, before I get into everything else, let me answer your question directly here. 17:29.386 --> 17:30.707 [SPEAKER_01]: Do you think he will ever change? 17:31.730 --> 17:39.495 [SPEAKER_01]: I cannot say yes or no, because there are people who have overcome porn addiction, which means there are people who have changed. 17:39.695 --> 17:46.099 [SPEAKER_01]: And I don't know anything enough about your boyfriend to say whether he would or would not. 17:46.639 --> 17:55.424 [SPEAKER_01]: If he is in therapy, if he is continuing to work on himself and he's willing to put in that effort, he very much might change. 17:55.865 --> 17:56.885 [SPEAKER_01]: Is there a guarantee? 17:57.365 --> 17:59.827 [SPEAKER_01]: No, therapy doesn't always work for everyone. 18:00.223 --> 18:01.224 [SPEAKER_01]: People's relapse. 18:01.304 --> 18:05.886 [SPEAKER_01]: I mean, people go to rehab for alcohol and drugs all the time and still end up dead. 18:05.966 --> 18:09.188 [SPEAKER_01]: You know, like these things are not guaranteed to work. 18:09.408 --> 18:10.388 [SPEAKER_01]: However, they might. 18:10.868 --> 18:14.270 [SPEAKER_01]: So off the bat, I can tell you that there's a chance that he will change. 18:15.051 --> 18:16.551 [SPEAKER_01]: And there's also a chance that he will. 18:16.752 --> 18:23.035 [SPEAKER_01]: So now to piggyback off of that, that's where you have to come in and decide, are you willing? 18:24.438 --> 18:28.902 [SPEAKER_01]: To find out, like, are you willing to wait it out and see if he will or won't? 18:29.342 --> 18:38.891 [SPEAKER_01]: Now, there is a fifty-fifty chance that he will become better and become the man that you have been praying and hoping for him to be. 18:39.612 --> 18:44.316 [SPEAKER_01]: But then there's also the chance that this cycle will continue forever and ever and ever. 18:44.816 --> 18:46.678 [SPEAKER_01]: So what are you willing to deal with? 18:47.159 --> 18:48.660 [SPEAKER_01]: What are you willing to put up with? 18:49.180 --> 18:52.041 [SPEAKER_01]: How long are you willing to wait and find out? 18:52.241 --> 18:56.822 [SPEAKER_01]: Because now I not only see one problem in your relationship, I see two. 18:57.582 --> 19:02.203 [SPEAKER_01]: The one very obvious problem is that your boyfriend has an addiction to porn. 19:02.903 --> 19:05.063 [SPEAKER_01]: So is there a solution to that problem? 19:05.543 --> 19:06.423 [SPEAKER_01]: Answer that question. 19:06.843 --> 19:13.505 [SPEAKER_01]: And you can't necessarily say just therapy because therapy is still not a guaranteed solution. 19:13.925 --> 19:14.785 [SPEAKER_01]: Therapy is 19:15.570 --> 19:23.216 [SPEAKER_01]: doing the work to try to solve the problem, but there's no black and white, yes, there is a solution to this problem. 19:23.417 --> 19:36.508 [SPEAKER_01]: And now too, the other problem is that not only is he an addict, but you saw things that have now given you trust issues that are now engraved in your mind forever. 19:37.108 --> 19:48.730 [SPEAKER_01]: Whereas somebody else who maybe their boyfriend or husband has a porn addiction who never went through their phone and never witnessed those things, they might not know how bad it is. 19:48.910 --> 20:03.533 [SPEAKER_01]: They might very much still be struggling with it knowing that he's getting up and going to the bathroom with the phone and doing sneaky things like they might still be really going through a hard time knowing that their partner has a porn addiction, but they might not have 20:04.053 --> 20:08.537 [SPEAKER_01]: the visuals or the images in their head of how bad it is. 20:09.078 --> 20:25.213 [SPEAKER_01]: So they kind of get to eliminate that problem from the relationship and they only really have to have the one main problem which is simply that he isn't addict whereas I think you have two problems here because of the fact that 20:25.942 --> 20:31.166 [SPEAKER_01]: Like you said, like now these things are so crazy that I just cannot remove it from my head. 20:31.667 --> 20:32.508 [SPEAKER_01]: I am so hurt. 20:32.548 --> 20:37.892 [SPEAKER_01]: Like you truly feel victimized here, which is totally valid and totally fair. 20:38.453 --> 20:41.916 [SPEAKER_01]: But you feel like this is a personal attack on you. 20:41.976 --> 20:43.737 [SPEAKER_01]: You're like, this is so crazy. 20:43.757 --> 20:45.739 [SPEAKER_01]: I am so distraught. 20:45.839 --> 20:47.640 [SPEAKER_01]: It's almost as if you caught him cheating. 20:48.341 --> 20:50.623 [SPEAKER_01]: Which I don't know, I mean, is porn cheating. 20:50.643 --> 21:09.999 [SPEAKER_01]: I think maybe in my opinion, it might be, I know not everybody would feel that way, but it's still turning to other women for sexual things, even if you're not like having sex with them yourself, you might not be physically touching them, but you're using them for sex instead of your partner for sex. 21:10.979 --> 21:18.004 [SPEAKER_01]: I would say that that is a form of cheating, so maybe because you saw these things, it almost feels like seeing him cheating on you. 21:18.044 --> 21:27.630 [SPEAKER_01]: It feels like seeing him getting photos from a woman like personally, which leads me to asking like, what could possibly be the solution to that problem? 21:28.090 --> 21:44.117 [SPEAKER_01]: because now you have a crazy trust issue stuck in your head from what you witnessed, which means even if, say that even if he heals, even if he goes to therapy and this all gets worked out. 21:44.577 --> 21:48.319 [SPEAKER_01]: And now your first problem, bam, you had a solution to that one. 21:49.319 --> 21:53.101 [SPEAKER_01]: This second problem still exists because nothing will change what you saw. 21:53.681 --> 21:54.302 [SPEAKER_01]: So even him, 21:55.672 --> 22:23.559 [SPEAKER_01]: working on himself and maybe ridding himself of this addiction will not change the fact that in the past you saw what you saw on his phone and it has you know won't do it's it has scarred you for life it kind of goes back to what I was just saying before about how to me cheating has no solution to it of a commitment a trust was broken so I think in some way this is that 22:25.085 --> 22:36.689 [SPEAKER_01]: a commitment to you and your body and only being sexual with you and all that was broken because you witnessed sexy photos and videos and things of other women on his phone. 22:36.890 --> 22:40.571 [SPEAKER_01]: I think this is the problem that you have to lean more into. 22:41.417 --> 22:58.248 [SPEAKER_01]: really like prioritizing out of the two is how you really feel and how affected you are by this and based on all of that are you willing to give him one more chance because he's asking you for another chance based on him going to therapy and doing that work. 22:59.234 --> 23:00.174 [SPEAKER_01]: And that's all great. 23:00.214 --> 23:01.795 [SPEAKER_01]: I think it's good that he's doing that. 23:02.435 --> 23:06.257 [SPEAKER_01]: I commend him for taking the proper and necessary steps. 23:06.877 --> 23:14.561 [SPEAKER_01]: But now this is about the other issue for you, which is feeling so betrayed, almost feeling like you've been cheated on. 23:14.621 --> 23:19.003 [SPEAKER_01]: So now that's where you have to decide like am I willing to give him another chance? 23:19.123 --> 23:23.005 [SPEAKER_01]: Because you set it yourself, I can't take it anymore. 23:23.305 --> 23:24.345 [SPEAKER_01]: Those are your words. 23:24.585 --> 23:25.626 [SPEAKER_01]: I can't take it anymore. 23:26.547 --> 23:30.168 [SPEAKER_01]: So I think you've seen enough, you've been through enough. 23:30.968 --> 23:35.669 [SPEAKER_01]: I mean, in a year and a half, that's a lot of time of dealing with this. 23:36.349 --> 23:38.370 [SPEAKER_01]: So I would agree. 23:38.390 --> 23:41.390 [SPEAKER_01]: I would assume that I wouldn't be able to take it anymore either. 23:41.910 --> 23:52.612 [SPEAKER_01]: So after a year and a half of all this and being so mentally and emotionally exhausted, what do you feel makes the most sense to you? 23:53.533 --> 23:54.913 [SPEAKER_01]: Is this time to break up? 23:55.839 --> 23:59.601 [SPEAKER_01]: or is this yet again another time to try to work it out. 23:59.781 --> 24:07.225 [SPEAKER_01]: For me, I think it's all about actions, it's never about somebody's words, and you said it clearly. 24:07.365 --> 24:09.346 [SPEAKER_01]: We've had this conversation a lot. 24:09.866 --> 24:14.428 [SPEAKER_01]: He has sworn to me that he will never do it again, yet he still continued to do it again. 24:15.749 --> 24:26.100 [SPEAKER_01]: Even aside from what you saw, aside from the porn and itself, this is also just a person who can't control themselves. 24:26.440 --> 24:37.712 [SPEAKER_01]: This is a person who lacks discipline, this is a person who lacks integrity, and those are like vital, vital, vital traits and qualities that I think every woman 24:38.717 --> 24:39.958 [SPEAKER_01]: needs in a man. 24:41.099 --> 24:44.803 [SPEAKER_01]: To me, the man is supposed to be the leader in the relationship. 24:45.303 --> 24:56.253 [SPEAKER_01]: He is supposed to have that masculine energetic role where his woman, his partner, his wife, his girlfriend will feel 24:57.817 --> 25:04.003 [SPEAKER_01]: so able to trust him in every way whatsoever that she will never, ever, ever doubt him. 25:04.463 --> 25:07.105 [SPEAKER_01]: She would follow him blindly. 25:07.786 --> 25:16.734 [SPEAKER_01]: Like, to me, that is what the masculine and feminine roles are all about in a relationship, especially, you know, I'm talking like heterosexual when it comes to men and women. 25:16.994 --> 25:23.359 [SPEAKER_01]: If a man has the traits and characteristics of a mature masculine figure, 25:24.477 --> 25:27.539 [SPEAKER_01]: Like I said, that woman would be able to follow him blindly. 25:27.920 --> 25:34.224 [SPEAKER_01]: A feminine woman would be able to say, I don't even need to turn my brain on when I'm with my man because he will just take care of it. 25:34.645 --> 25:36.506 [SPEAKER_01]: He is the one who's got it under control. 25:36.926 --> 25:37.987 [SPEAKER_01]: I can be soft. 25:38.187 --> 25:43.351 [SPEAKER_01]: I can surrender when I'm around him because I trust him in every way whatsoever. 25:43.611 --> 25:49.956 [SPEAKER_01]: I feel so safe and so secure with him that I have nothing to worry about because 25:50.456 --> 25:52.677 [SPEAKER_01]: He is such a man of action. 25:53.038 --> 25:54.498 [SPEAKER_01]: He's such a man of his word. 25:54.838 --> 25:57.200 [SPEAKER_01]: He does what he says he's going to do. 25:57.500 --> 26:11.688 [SPEAKER_01]: You want to be able to think about your man and say, I thank him for being that masculine man that I can depend on, that I can rely on because if he wasn't that, then I couldn't be a feminine woman. 26:12.728 --> 26:17.192 [SPEAKER_01]: He allows me to be a feminine woman because of how he is as a man. 26:17.632 --> 26:29.643 [SPEAKER_01]: Otherwise, if he wasn't those things, if he lacked integrity, if he lacked discipline, if he really struggled with his maturity and masculinity, then I would have to step into that masculine role. 26:30.223 --> 26:31.344 [SPEAKER_01]: I would have to take on 26:32.315 --> 26:41.987 [SPEAKER_01]: you know those traits and those duties and I wouldn't get to be my lovely soft feminine self because I would have to be the tough one. 26:42.287 --> 26:43.929 [SPEAKER_01]: I would have to be the provider. 26:44.069 --> 26:45.551 [SPEAKER_01]: I would have to be the protector. 26:46.031 --> 26:51.378 [SPEAKER_01]: I would have to be the one who just keeps this relationship going and I would have to be the one to lead. 26:52.628 --> 26:59.372 [SPEAKER_01]: And I think every woman whether they admit it or not does desire their man to lead. 26:59.392 --> 27:07.416 [SPEAKER_01]: I know a lot of girls get online and they want to be the leader or they say that they do at least. 27:07.716 --> 27:08.137 [SPEAKER_01]: But I think 27:09.017 --> 27:16.544 [SPEAKER_01]: Everyone feels that way or thinks that way until they're in the presence of a truly divine mature masculine man. 27:16.744 --> 27:22.850 [SPEAKER_01]: Everyone wants to wear the pants until they see how nice it is to wear the freaking skirt to be led. 27:23.050 --> 27:24.151 [SPEAKER_01]: I'm going to be honest with you. 27:24.311 --> 27:26.654 [SPEAKER_01]: For me, I think a relationship is over. 27:27.892 --> 27:33.617 [SPEAKER_01]: Once you've got to go through their phone, if you feel the need to look through their text, look through their DMs. 27:34.638 --> 27:39.782 [SPEAKER_01]: See, you know, what their TikTok saves are or see what their Instagram saves and likes are. 27:41.286 --> 27:45.027 [SPEAKER_01]: I don't think that a relationship can really survive that feeling. 27:45.568 --> 27:47.348 [SPEAKER_01]: Now, you might stay together. 27:47.368 --> 28:00.933 [SPEAKER_01]: I don't necessarily mean it's over as in you break up because I know plenty of people who have been in long-term relationships that go through that shit with the whole looking through the fall, you know, checking to see what's going on because they have a feeling. 28:02.253 --> 28:03.474 [SPEAKER_01]: But I don't find those to be 28:04.239 --> 28:06.400 [SPEAKER_01]: healthy, sustainable relationships. 28:06.480 --> 28:13.122 [SPEAKER_01]: Staying together doesn't mean anything because people stay together for years and years and years longer than they should have. 28:13.663 --> 28:23.166 [SPEAKER_01]: But I believe when you have that feeling, it never goes away because it's rarely one time that somebody looks through their partner's phone. 28:23.566 --> 28:32.069 [SPEAKER_01]: It starts to become a habit and if it doesn't become a habit of like actually doing the thing, at least gets thought about all the time. 28:32.510 --> 28:33.110 [SPEAKER_01]: You at least 28:33.950 --> 28:52.391 [SPEAKER_01]: want to look through their phone you feel like because you've done it before you want to do it again you want to make sure you want a double check I don't think I would want to be with somebody who made me feel like I have to look through their phone if I'm to that point of lacking so much safety and security with you that I even 28:53.224 --> 28:57.850 [SPEAKER_01]: feel tempted to look or to ask that relationship is over in my eyes. 28:58.330 --> 29:03.256 [SPEAKER_01]: Even if we stay together, the trust is broken, that insecurity takes over. 29:04.480 --> 29:07.602 [SPEAKER_01]: the healthy bond that we had, that's what's over. 29:07.822 --> 29:11.005 [SPEAKER_01]: And I'm sorry, but I don't think that dynamic is worth staying in. 29:11.385 --> 29:18.230 [SPEAKER_01]: I think it's very, very, very toxic to look through somebody's phone, not saying that I wouldn't let my partner look through my phone. 29:18.270 --> 29:19.431 [SPEAKER_01]: He absolutely could. 29:20.171 --> 29:25.695 [SPEAKER_01]: But I would feel like, how did we get here that you even are questioning that? 29:25.735 --> 29:32.460 [SPEAKER_01]: You know, I would have no problem handing my phone over, but the problem would be with why are you even wanting to do that? 29:33.120 --> 29:34.882 [SPEAKER_01]: Hat like, how did we even get to that point? 29:34.962 --> 29:39.666 [SPEAKER_01]: I would rather us just not be together at all than be in a place where we don't trust each other. 29:39.926 --> 29:49.956 [SPEAKER_01]: So unfortunately, I don't know if you realize, but you have more than one problem, you have at least two, based on just simply this email that you sent me. 29:50.236 --> 29:56.302 [SPEAKER_01]: I don't know what girls need to hear this, but you deserved to be with someone who doesn't put you in these situations. 29:56.762 --> 30:24.339 [SPEAKER_01]: you deserve to be with someone who doesn't make you second guess yourself doubt everything who doesn't make you feel insecure you deserve to be with someone who makes you feel so safe and secure in their presence that even if they left their phones sitting next to you unlocked you wouldn't even be tempted to go through it don't let the fear of being single or like never meeting anybody else again keep you in these shitty relationships I mean 30:25.199 --> 30:41.192 [SPEAKER_01]: I know that a year and a half is a long time but it's really a short time in the grand scheme of life and you have your whole life ahead of you that you shouldn't be sitting here thinking like I'm stuck in this because now I invested a year and a half and I don't want to 30:41.912 --> 30:42.492 [SPEAKER_01]: Give this up. 30:42.552 --> 30:45.894 [SPEAKER_01]: Like, I don't want to have to start all over because then that's a year and a half wasted. 30:46.094 --> 30:46.734 [SPEAKER_01]: No, it's not. 30:46.754 --> 30:48.735 [SPEAKER_01]: It's a year and a half of lessons learned. 30:49.435 --> 30:54.197 [SPEAKER_01]: You getting to know what you will never deal with again, what you will never, never settle for again. 30:54.217 --> 30:58.399 [SPEAKER_01]: And that in itself is an extremely valuable use of time. 30:58.639 --> 31:10.584 [SPEAKER_01]: Even if the guy was not worth your time, at least everything that you gained from it and all the lessons that you learned and all the self love that you've been able to develop from learning these things. 31:11.457 --> 31:12.817 [SPEAKER_01]: is so worth it. 31:13.018 --> 31:23.821 [SPEAKER_01]: Not to mention, as I look at this email in the very beginning, you said to me, I know I asked you a question in the past about my boyfriend not posting me and your advice really helped me from overthinking. 31:23.881 --> 31:31.423 [SPEAKER_01]: So, so according to this opening statement here, I've already done a Dear Victoria segment on you before. 31:31.443 --> 31:33.864 [SPEAKER_01]: Now, I don't remember, because I've done so many of them, but 31:34.204 --> 31:46.414 [SPEAKER_01]: It seems as though you've asked me a question about your boyfriend not posting you, which just goes to show that like, this is not the first time that you're having issues with your partner, not making you feel secure with him. 31:46.734 --> 31:48.655 [SPEAKER_01]: Now, I don't know what advice that I gave you. 31:48.696 --> 31:52.318 [SPEAKER_01]: I don't know what that whole situation was, but it doesn't sound like a good one. 31:52.438 --> 31:59.064 [SPEAKER_01]: You know, it just sounds like another issue of a lack of security in your relationship. 32:00.274 --> 32:01.535 [SPEAKER_01]: And I don't know how old you are. 32:02.115 --> 32:03.516 [SPEAKER_01]: Let's say that you're thirty. 32:03.796 --> 32:04.697 [SPEAKER_01]: Just making that up. 32:04.737 --> 32:05.597 [SPEAKER_01]: You could be twenty one. 32:05.657 --> 32:06.698 [SPEAKER_01]: I'm sorry for aging you. 32:06.738 --> 32:07.918 [SPEAKER_01]: You could also be forty five. 32:07.958 --> 32:10.160 [SPEAKER_01]: So you're welcome for making you younger. 32:10.200 --> 32:11.020 [SPEAKER_01]: I've no idea how old you are. 32:11.040 --> 32:12.041 [SPEAKER_01]: But let's say that you're thirty. 32:12.281 --> 32:15.243 [SPEAKER_01]: And you're like, but I spent a year and a half with this guy. 32:15.723 --> 32:16.643 [SPEAKER_01]: I'm thirty now. 32:16.804 --> 32:18.084 [SPEAKER_01]: I really want to have kids. 32:18.144 --> 32:19.305 [SPEAKER_01]: I really want to settle down. 32:19.325 --> 32:22.407 [SPEAKER_01]: I don't want to waste all the time I put into this relationship because 32:23.167 --> 32:33.197 [SPEAKER_01]: I could in the past like I really saw a future with us and I know things are shitty right now, but maybe we could have that again girl by the time that this whole thing works itself out. 32:34.298 --> 32:35.900 [SPEAKER_01]: You could have been single. 32:36.483 --> 32:53.838 [SPEAKER_01]: worked on yourself, had more fun, alleviated all this stress and the nightmares from your life, met somebody else, had a healthier relationship built a deeper connection, got engaged, like you could do all of these things but we convince ourselves that 32:54.438 --> 33:00.300 [SPEAKER_01]: We have to put all of this equity into this one relationship just because we've spent so much time in it. 33:00.580 --> 33:09.542 [SPEAKER_01]: I think that you've had problems with this guy one to many times, and I'm gonna get a little shark tank on you, but for that reason, I'm out. 33:09.782 --> 33:11.043 [SPEAKER_01]: So do with that, what you will. 33:11.523 --> 33:18.004 [SPEAKER_01]: I hope that this advice helps not only you, but anyone else who needed to hear it, that's all I said into this episode. 33:18.105 --> 33:19.405 [SPEAKER_01]: And that is all we have for today. 33:19.665 --> 33:23.266 [SPEAKER_01]: So thank you girls so much for listening until next time girls.