WEBVTT 00:04.329 --> 00:09.294 [SPEAKER_00]: So hello, and welcome to Morning Ray. 00:09.394 --> 00:14.859 [SPEAKER_00]: I'm your host, Lann, Orlando, and today is one of our Askland advice columns. 00:14.999 --> 00:16.381 [SPEAKER_00]: I'm recording this at night. 00:17.021 --> 00:18.002 [SPEAKER_00]: It's just showered. 00:18.122 --> 00:23.447 [SPEAKER_00]: I feel like today's episode is going to feel very much like sleepover vibes. 00:23.487 --> 00:29.353 [SPEAKER_00]: Like, you know, when you're laying your head down on the pillow and you guys are both like, we're going to go to bed, but then you end up 00:29.973 --> 00:38.462 [SPEAKER_00]: chatting and having really deep conversations while your eyes are closed and then you both kind of just trickle and falsely feel like that kind of energy. 00:38.482 --> 00:41.785 [SPEAKER_00]: That's kind of the vibe we're going for over here today. 00:41.925 --> 00:44.007 [SPEAKER_00]: So buckle up, tune in. 00:44.127 --> 00:47.851 [SPEAKER_00]: Everything is going to be kind of on a friendship and relationship theme. 00:47.911 --> 00:51.054 [SPEAKER_00]: I picked questions from our Askland at Google Form. 00:51.554 --> 01:06.462 [SPEAKER_00]: that I shared on my stories and it's always linked in the show notes, I always update it for like the season or whatever, like right now it's our spring summer, I'm twenty twenty five one, but I pulled all of your questions as always everything. 01:07.202 --> 01:10.887 [SPEAKER_00]: is anonymous, really excited to do this. 01:11.087 --> 01:12.769 [SPEAKER_00]: I've been wanting to do a friendship episode. 01:12.789 --> 01:23.721 [SPEAKER_00]: I think we're still gonna do like dedicated, making friends, maintaining friendships in your twenties, what it's like having friends growing up, like as you grow up, that kind of thing. 01:23.781 --> 01:25.923 [SPEAKER_00]: So let me know if that interests you, but yeah. 01:29.287 --> 01:29.848 [SPEAKER_00]: I'm excited. 01:30.188 --> 01:31.069 [SPEAKER_00]: I love Asklands. 01:31.109 --> 01:34.533 [SPEAKER_00]: You guys know there are some of my favorite episodes. 01:34.593 --> 01:37.376 [SPEAKER_00]: I feel like I get to know you guys a bit more. 01:37.396 --> 01:39.438 [SPEAKER_00]: It feels a bit more personal. 01:39.458 --> 01:43.583 [SPEAKER_00]: I feel more connected with you guys, so it's a lot of fun and 01:44.223 --> 01:49.729 [SPEAKER_00]: I know you guys really appreciate the advice and my perspective on things. 01:50.329 --> 01:55.735 [SPEAKER_00]: I would always like to make the disclaimer that I'm just a twenty-five-year-old girl. 01:56.295 --> 01:57.757 [SPEAKER_00]: Obviously, I don't know you. 01:57.777 --> 02:00.580 [SPEAKER_00]: I don't know every single bit of context. 02:01.200 --> 02:06.746 [SPEAKER_00]: I only know what you give me, so take it with what you will, whether you agree with it or not, you can choose. 02:07.366 --> 02:11.011 [SPEAKER_00]: Whether you choose to listen, this is just my advice that I would give to you. 02:11.592 --> 02:17.080 [SPEAKER_00]: If you were a friend of mine, my younger sister, my older sister, a sibling, someone I care about. 02:17.300 --> 02:21.386 [SPEAKER_00]: So just remember that I'm just a twenty five year old girl. 02:21.426 --> 02:22.788 [SPEAKER_00]: I'm not a professional over here. 02:23.588 --> 02:30.814 [SPEAKER_00]: But I, yeah, let's get into my current faves and then we'll get into the nitty-gritty of the questions. 02:31.615 --> 02:35.899 [SPEAKER_00]: I have been on a cooking kick a bit. 02:36.059 --> 02:37.200 [SPEAKER_00]: Again, not a lot. 02:37.240 --> 02:39.281 [SPEAKER_00]: Like I would say, I'm definitely cooking more than I was. 02:40.042 --> 02:44.886 [SPEAKER_00]: And I'm falling back into a few old recipes that I used to love in you guys now. 02:44.926 --> 02:50.431 [SPEAKER_00]: Like my lemon tuna pasta and the Emily Mariko salmon bowl, which has been a lot of fun. 02:50.511 --> 02:51.632 [SPEAKER_00]: Obviously, I made steak tonight. 02:52.132 --> 02:55.653 [SPEAKER_00]: It's Monday when I'm recording this and again, I'm sorry you guys, I'm sorry it's late. 02:56.413 --> 02:57.634 [SPEAKER_00]: I'm doing my best. 02:57.674 --> 03:03.735 [SPEAKER_00]: It will always, it will be my goal to have an episode up by Monday or Tuesday, hopefully at latest every single week. 03:03.835 --> 03:05.596 [SPEAKER_00]: So, take it with what you will. 03:05.896 --> 03:11.257 [SPEAKER_00]: Monday is my goal date, but if I don't get it up for Monday at midnight, I'll get it up for Tuesday. 03:11.337 --> 03:13.958 [SPEAKER_00]: So, that's kind of my plan here, okay? 03:14.358 --> 03:17.019 [SPEAKER_00]: We are balancing things, we're trying to make everything work. 03:17.039 --> 03:20.160 [SPEAKER_00]: It's hard to do every single platform over here as a one woman shows. 03:21.100 --> 03:43.607 [SPEAKER_00]: We're doing our best but I've honestly been loving a mix of fast and slow days like days where I have a lot going on I'm kind of running from point A to point B to point C I have meetings I have events I have plans with friends I mix of work and social It's a lot of fun, but I also really love a slow day like for example yesterday on Sunday I had my friend Lauren's run 03:44.307 --> 03:52.909 [SPEAKER_00]: In the morning, we caught in the rain, I met my friend Sid for coffee, and then I kind of had a chill afternoon, and I just went and sat on my roof, and run my book. 03:52.969 --> 03:55.189 [SPEAKER_00]: I've been obsessed with my Kindle. 03:55.349 --> 04:03.791 [SPEAKER_00]: I finished the third book in the Rose Hill series, and now I'm reading Sailor Remember by Abby Jimenez. 04:04.631 --> 04:08.952 [SPEAKER_00]: I'm only a few chapters in, so I don't really know how I feel about it yet, but I do always love her book. 04:10.092 --> 04:11.692 [SPEAKER_00]: I fear that I might love this one. 04:12.293 --> 04:18.114 [SPEAKER_00]: Although that's a pretty bold statement to make, I've only after two chapters, but so far, so good, I would say. 04:18.134 --> 04:19.954 [SPEAKER_00]: And I want to reformed. 04:20.014 --> 04:23.175 [SPEAKER_00]: I've honestly been really liking doing legally. 04:23.235 --> 04:29.496 [SPEAKER_00]: I've been going to reformed and legally plus, which are two newer studios here in Toronto, which has been a lot of fun. 04:30.336 --> 04:31.657 [SPEAKER_00]: And what else? 04:31.757 --> 04:33.257 [SPEAKER_00]: What else have been some current faves? 04:34.097 --> 04:36.418 [SPEAKER_00]: Oh, I've been obsessed with the road glazing mist. 04:36.938 --> 04:37.918 [SPEAKER_00]: I have it on my skin right now. 04:37.978 --> 04:45.521 [SPEAKER_00]: If I feel like my makeup's looking a little dull, I just spray it on and I look glowy, goddess, beautiful, haily, beaver, perfect skin. 04:46.061 --> 04:51.703 [SPEAKER_00]: Obsessed with the new Justin Bieber swag album, been on repeat, nonstop, love it so much. 04:51.763 --> 04:54.564 [SPEAKER_00]: I would honestly say my favorite songs are 04:55.204 --> 04:58.087 [SPEAKER_00]: I need to pull it up because I'm not the reason I'm going to butcher this. 04:58.407 --> 05:03.633 [SPEAKER_00]: Daisy's Yukon walking away, give me one second. 05:04.174 --> 05:11.601 [SPEAKER_00]: Daisy's Yukon walking away, devotion, and there's one more butterfly as I do. 05:12.162 --> 05:12.883 [SPEAKER_00]: I like that one too. 05:13.383 --> 05:17.565 [SPEAKER_00]: So many, so many good ones, but I want to say Daisy's and Yukon are definitely like my talk to you. 05:18.205 --> 05:24.427 [SPEAKER_00]: It took me so long to figure out what not so long, but for like, it took a minute for me to figure out that Justin Bieber featured himself in Yukon. 05:24.847 --> 05:26.568 [SPEAKER_00]: He played with the pitch of his voice. 05:27.328 --> 05:35.891 [SPEAKER_00]: I've been seeing a lot of edits on TikTok of it pitched down to his actual pitch, and that sounds really good too, but obviously I love the artistic vision. 05:36.631 --> 05:37.031 [SPEAKER_00]: behind it. 05:37.111 --> 05:45.316 [SPEAKER_00]: But anyways, nonetheless, this isn't a music debacle over here, but let's get into our Askland advice column. 05:45.656 --> 05:47.878 [SPEAKER_00]: You guys sent in paragraphs, which we love. 05:47.958 --> 05:49.098 [SPEAKER_00]: I love a lot of detail. 05:49.238 --> 05:50.739 [SPEAKER_00]: I love knowing all the things. 05:50.819 --> 05:52.980 [SPEAKER_00]: So I have quite a few questions here. 05:53.040 --> 05:58.504 [SPEAKER_00]: We'll see how far we got into it and how long this episode ends up being. 05:58.844 --> 06:01.125 [SPEAKER_00]: I usually like to keep the episodes around like, forty-five minutes. 06:02.226 --> 06:05.688 [SPEAKER_00]: So we'll see if I answer all of these and if not, then I'll answer them next time. 06:06.608 --> 06:09.771 [SPEAKER_00]: Hi, I've been a longtime listener of your podcast and I really love it. 06:09.972 --> 06:10.412 [SPEAKER_00]: Thank you. 06:11.173 --> 06:13.355 [SPEAKER_00]: My boyfriend and I have been together for six months. 06:13.415 --> 06:18.540 [SPEAKER_00]: He's a genuine and kind person, but I've been feeling emotionally exhausted and neglected in the relationship. 06:18.700 --> 06:24.505 [SPEAKER_00]: And I'm starting to question whether these issues are fixable or signs of a deeper incompatibility. 06:24.986 --> 06:30.231 [SPEAKER_00]: He's in a very busy stage of life, juggling a demanding job, a side hustle, and other responsibilities. 06:30.911 --> 06:34.392 [SPEAKER_00]: As a result, he often doesn't have time or mental space to be fully present. 06:34.793 --> 06:39.914 [SPEAKER_00]: Plans get cancelled or shifted last minute, and I'm usually the one initiating adjusting or accommodating. 06:40.455 --> 06:47.137 [SPEAKER_00]: I've tried to be flexible in patient, but I'm beginning to feel like my needs for quality time, consistency, and emotional connection are being met. 06:47.697 --> 06:50.558 [SPEAKER_00]: It's draining to feel like I'm the only one holding up the relationship. 06:51.058 --> 06:55.140 [SPEAKER_00]: I've voiced my feelings, and while he listens and says he'll try, nothing has really changed. 06:55.740 --> 07:02.529 [SPEAKER_00]: I find myself lowering expectations just to avoid disappointment and outsourcing emotional support to my friends, which isn't healthy. 07:03.129 --> 07:09.698 [SPEAKER_00]: I care about him deeply and I'm not ready to walk away, but I also don't want to keep compromising my needs or my sense of self. 07:10.298 --> 07:14.804 [SPEAKER_00]: Is this something we can work through or are we simply not aligned in what we need from a relationship? 07:15.384 --> 07:20.066 [SPEAKER_00]: Firstly, I'm so sorry that you are feeling this way. 07:20.086 --> 07:35.971 [SPEAKER_00]: I know oh so deeply how this feels on a smaller scale but I do know how this feels and I know how this also feels in friendships as well and it's not a fun feeling you start to feel like you're too much. 07:36.691 --> 07:38.351 [SPEAKER_00]: which I don't love. 07:38.732 --> 07:54.975 [SPEAKER_00]: I don't love that his actions and the way he's interacting with you is leading you to lower your expectations as a way to protect yourself because I know how that feels and it's not really a nice thing and I don't really want you to continue be doing that. 07:55.275 --> 07:59.436 [SPEAKER_00]: I think it's really good that you communicated with him. 08:00.257 --> 08:05.978 [SPEAKER_00]: Do I love that he hasn't really changed anything despite 08:06.718 --> 08:08.219 [SPEAKER_00]: saying that he'll try. 08:08.239 --> 08:09.599 [SPEAKER_00]: I don't love it. 08:10.059 --> 08:12.700 [SPEAKER_00]: I do think actions speak louder than words. 08:13.560 --> 08:27.504 [SPEAKER_00]: And obviously, exception to the rule, but I think if someone wanted to, they would, and it seems that, based off of what you have shared, which, again, Alina was what you were sharing here and your perspective. 08:27.965 --> 08:36.007 [SPEAKER_00]: He doesn't seem like he has the emotional bandwidth to balance whatever is going on in his life outside of you alongside. 08:36.647 --> 08:40.148 [SPEAKER_00]: your relationship which sucks and I'm so sorry. 08:40.168 --> 08:49.731 [SPEAKER_00]: I think maybe having a conversation again, I don't know how many times you have voiced your feelings and what you feel you need from him. 08:50.332 --> 08:51.232 [SPEAKER_00]: So I would maybe 08:51.992 --> 09:05.461 [SPEAKER_00]: If you've only voiced it once or twice, oh, and maybe try again and see and then kind of just watch his actions and determine whether or not this is worthwhile to ride out or not. 09:06.202 --> 09:09.945 [SPEAKER_00]: If it's worth it, I think it's still really early on like at six months. 09:10.005 --> 09:15.689 [SPEAKER_00]: So for you to be feeling this way already, like I think you should still be in the honeymoon stage. 09:16.449 --> 09:17.010 [SPEAKER_00]: to degree. 09:17.030 --> 09:25.358 [SPEAKER_00]: I feel like maybe this is just you over compromising and maybe this relationship isn't right right now. 09:25.398 --> 09:35.589 [SPEAKER_00]: Like the timing isn't right based off of what's going on in his life and what's going on in your life and what you need in order to feel safe, secure, loved, and valued in a relationship. 09:36.069 --> 09:47.295 [SPEAKER_00]: I don't think outsourcing emotional support to your friends is unhealthy because you said, I find myself lowering expectations to just avoid disappointment and outsourcing emotional support to my friends which isn't healthy. 09:47.315 --> 09:55.339 [SPEAKER_00]: I think the lowering expectations just avoid disappointment isn't the best mindset should we expect ourselves from others. 09:55.999 --> 09:59.521 [SPEAKER_00]: No, but should our standards and needs be my yes. 10:00.321 --> 10:02.783 [SPEAKER_00]: But outsourcing emotional support to your friends. 10:02.843 --> 10:04.624 [SPEAKER_00]: I don't think it's unhealthy. 10:04.764 --> 10:10.708 [SPEAKER_00]: I don't think it's actually fair to rely on one person solely and entirely and place everything on them. 10:10.768 --> 10:14.870 [SPEAKER_00]: I think it's good to have your people for different things and different purposes. 10:15.591 --> 10:16.311 [SPEAKER_00]: Transparently. 10:17.052 --> 10:29.460 [SPEAKER_00]: Yes, it's good that your boyfriend should be this person that this rock that you can go to, but it's also okay to have friends that you go to for different things and to also still rely on them despite being in a relationship personally speaking. 10:30.280 --> 10:37.005 [SPEAKER_00]: I know I would never want my partner to like put a hundred percent emotional support on me. 10:37.025 --> 10:42.369 [SPEAKER_00]: I just and I wouldn't want to do that to them all the time like one hundred percent of the time. 10:42.409 --> 10:48.333 [SPEAKER_00]: I think it's important to kind of balance it off of like your parents and your siblings and your friends and to whoever else. 10:48.513 --> 10:49.654 [SPEAKER_00]: Maybe they're a pest, you know. 10:50.374 --> 11:04.674 [SPEAKER_00]: I think what I would do is I would talk to him again, I would express clearly as you can, how you are feeling, why what is causing you to feel that way and kind of give him 11:05.515 --> 11:24.026 [SPEAKER_00]: a guideline as to what he could do to make you feel like you're being emotionally supported and that this relationship is fulfilling for you and beneficial and healthy and what you want a relationship to be. 11:24.046 --> 11:30.870 [SPEAKER_00]: I don't want you to continue to kind of lower your expectations and be the one holding the way and moving the needle forward. 11:30.890 --> 11:31.491 [SPEAKER_00]: You should be doing 11:31.991 --> 11:38.874 [SPEAKER_00]: This together I think it should be equal given take and I do think it is really important in a relationship for a man to lead a lot. 11:39.334 --> 11:56.660 [SPEAKER_00]: So I would have a conversation with him, see if the actions change and if they don't then maybe it's time to have the conversation as to whether or not you both think this is something you can work through or if you're just simply not aligned and this isn't the right time for you guys. 11:57.560 --> 12:07.807 [SPEAKER_00]: And while that might suck if it's the latter, I do think that could be best granted under the circumstance that something like his actions don't change. 12:08.447 --> 12:09.648 [SPEAKER_00]: But sending you so much love. 12:10.068 --> 12:10.649 [SPEAKER_00]: Hi, Lan. 12:10.669 --> 12:12.010 [SPEAKER_00]: I love your podcast. 12:12.170 --> 12:15.332 [SPEAKER_00]: I just graduated from college and moved home for a little to save money. 12:15.352 --> 12:19.935 [SPEAKER_00]: I have this one guy friend from childhood, and I think we've always kind of liked each other. 12:20.715 --> 12:24.078 [SPEAKER_00]: Like he always kind of acted jealous when I talked to guys throughout college. 12:24.258 --> 12:29.622 [SPEAKER_00]: Also tea, he left me a drunk voice mail recently where he confessed his feelings, but we didn't talk about it. 12:30.203 --> 12:31.424 [SPEAKER_00]: Oh my god, I kind of love that. 12:33.025 --> 12:36.568 [SPEAKER_00]: He had a girlfriend all throughout college, but recently broke up with her. 12:37.108 --> 12:39.550 [SPEAKER_00]: My worst fear is to live that with that what if. 12:39.870 --> 12:43.474 [SPEAKER_00]: I really want to go for it, but we are currently across the state from each other. 12:43.995 --> 12:51.543 [SPEAKER_00]: My plan is to move to around his area eventually not for him specifically, but just because most of my college friends are over there and I like the area. 12:52.184 --> 12:56.389 [SPEAKER_00]: Any advice you have for going for it and telling your guy friend that you like him, things in advance? 12:56.409 --> 12:58.611 [SPEAKER_00]: Oh my god, I'm trying to think what I would do. 12:59.472 --> 13:07.357 [SPEAKER_00]: I kind of love that he left you a drunk voice mail and confesses feelings because then that kind of gives you like the confidence boost to make a move. 13:07.858 --> 13:14.162 [SPEAKER_00]: I feel like the next time you have plans like I wouldn't kind of seek out plans in a way that you wouldn't normally. 13:14.542 --> 13:15.222 [SPEAKER_00]: have plans. 13:16.042 --> 13:24.845 [SPEAKER_00]: I think like the next time you have plans together, I would maybe if the moment feels like try to lean in and see what happens. 13:25.665 --> 13:27.986 [SPEAKER_00]: I feel like that's that's what I would do. 13:28.006 --> 13:37.368 [SPEAKER_00]: I feel like that's what that's what happened with me and my guy friends in high school, but obviously weren't that like colleges a bit older and post college. 13:38.099 --> 13:42.120 [SPEAKER_00]: I would, if you, I think you should go for it. 13:42.560 --> 13:50.782 [SPEAKER_00]: I think you have the confidence, you have the validation that he likes you and I think to trust that gut instinct. 13:51.702 --> 14:07.025 [SPEAKER_00]: And I think the next time you hang out, if the moment feels right, try to kiss him, lean in, see what happens if he leans into and you have to be okay with that he might be hesitant or he could reject you in that moment. 14:07.685 --> 14:08.686 [SPEAKER_00]: But I feel like he won't. 14:09.286 --> 14:10.147 [SPEAKER_00]: That's what I would do. 14:10.748 --> 14:11.628 [SPEAKER_00]: Personally speaking. 14:12.209 --> 14:13.029 [SPEAKER_00]: Ah, that's so fun. 14:13.310 --> 14:13.990 [SPEAKER_00]: Keep me updated. 14:14.230 --> 14:14.691 [SPEAKER_00]: DM me. 14:15.271 --> 14:16.232 [SPEAKER_00]: So I have a friend. 14:16.292 --> 14:18.874 [SPEAKER_00]: She's like a sister to me, but she's been doing something to me. 14:19.415 --> 14:20.496 [SPEAKER_00]: She doesn't reply back. 14:20.596 --> 14:21.837 [SPEAKER_00]: I invited her to my birthday. 14:21.897 --> 14:23.899 [SPEAKER_00]: She confirmed and then pretended she was busy. 14:24.519 --> 14:27.921 [SPEAKER_00]: My mom invited her to her birthday and she confirmed and didn't show up. 14:28.501 --> 14:32.783 [SPEAKER_00]: I didn't get a message from her saying something about why she didn't show up. 14:33.324 --> 14:37.226 [SPEAKER_00]: I texted her last week to tell her that I miss her and that I hope you can see each other soon. 14:37.586 --> 14:41.888 [SPEAKER_00]: But of course she doesn't reply and this is a really common thing that has been going around for years. 14:42.368 --> 14:45.570 [SPEAKER_00]: And I don't know if I should leave things and leave or what. 14:46.430 --> 14:50.733 [SPEAKER_00]: I'm so sorry that this friend is doing this. 14:51.893 --> 15:01.201 [SPEAKER_00]: I know you say she's like a sister to you, but I just don't think someone who truly cared about you would act in this way. 15:01.842 --> 15:05.785 [SPEAKER_00]: Especially if you say this has been a really common thing that she always does. 15:06.246 --> 15:10.409 [SPEAKER_00]: Hot and cold friends are probably like my least favorite kind of people. 15:11.270 --> 15:14.493 [SPEAKER_00]: And I don't think there needs to be like a whole debacle over this. 15:14.673 --> 15:17.215 [SPEAKER_00]: I think you kind of just need to meet her where she is. 15:18.036 --> 15:19.437 [SPEAKER_00]: And like meet people where they are. 15:19.457 --> 15:23.379 [SPEAKER_00]: I don't think saying anything is going to make anything better. 15:23.399 --> 15:28.282 [SPEAKER_00]: I think you kind of just have to take the friendship for what it is. 15:28.302 --> 15:37.628 [SPEAKER_00]: And it sucks that she is being kind of a shitty friend right now like confirming to come to your birthday and then saying that she's busy. 15:37.668 --> 15:38.088 [SPEAKER_00]: I don't know. 15:38.729 --> 15:41.813 [SPEAKER_00]: Why do you think she pretended she was busy or like even just her not coming? 15:41.853 --> 15:42.975 [SPEAKER_00]: Like that's not very nice. 15:43.335 --> 15:48.182 [SPEAKER_00]: No showing to your mom's birthday is a very nice and her not responding to your texts or acknowledging it. 15:48.202 --> 15:52.969 [SPEAKER_00]: It's not nice at all and it's not a nice feeling and I know how it feels to be on the receiving end of that. 15:53.550 --> 16:03.655 [SPEAKER_00]: I would kind of just meet her where she is and kind of leave the ball in her court, put your energy into yourself, into your other friendships, into building other friendships further. 16:04.235 --> 16:11.959 [SPEAKER_00]: But I just don't think based off of this behavior that you should prioritize her because she's clearly not prioritizing you. 16:13.199 --> 16:16.781 [SPEAKER_00]: If she's done anything explicitly, that's like really bothering you. 16:16.901 --> 16:21.043 [SPEAKER_00]: Maybe you can reach out, but I think that might just make things worse personally. 16:21.603 --> 16:29.027 [SPEAKER_00]: So I would kind of just meet her where she's at, put your energy into yourself, into your other friendships, and let her kind of come to you. 16:29.747 --> 16:30.487 [SPEAKER_00]: But that sucks. 16:30.727 --> 16:31.468 [SPEAKER_00]: I'm really sorry. 16:31.548 --> 16:38.191 [SPEAKER_00]: Those hot and cold friendships are truly the worst, and I will never understand people who are like that personally. 16:38.691 --> 16:39.891 [SPEAKER_00]: But that's probably a good thing, right? 16:39.972 --> 16:46.134 [SPEAKER_00]: If you can't understand someone's behavior, that means you're not like them and that you never act in that way or most likely never. 16:46.754 --> 16:47.334 [SPEAKER_00]: Hi, Lynn. 16:47.414 --> 16:49.855 [SPEAKER_00]: I love the show and the energy you give off in the podcast. 16:50.055 --> 16:50.575 [SPEAKER_00]: Thank you. 16:51.155 --> 16:52.556 [SPEAKER_00]: I have a relationship question. 16:53.096 --> 16:55.637 [SPEAKER_00]: I'm a teen and I've been with my boyfriend for six months. 16:56.157 --> 17:00.638 [SPEAKER_00]: We are in a long distance relationship since he lives in London and I'm currently studying in Poland. 17:01.198 --> 17:05.679 [SPEAKER_00]: I still have a year of school life and I'm planning to go to uni and bath England. 17:06.180 --> 17:10.081 [SPEAKER_00]: Recently I've been struggling with some personal problems which really rubbed off on our relationship. 17:10.581 --> 17:16.742 [SPEAKER_00]: I'm simply just struggling mentally and even though nothing changed in our relationship the long distance just seems harder to bear with now. 17:17.522 --> 17:23.704 [SPEAKER_00]: And now to the question, do you have any advice on how to deal with the distance or how or what we can do to strengthen our relationship? 17:24.224 --> 17:24.625 [SPEAKER_00]: Thanks. 17:25.365 --> 17:26.086 [SPEAKER_00]: Okay, my dear. 17:26.767 --> 17:35.215 [SPEAKER_00]: I'm sorry that you are going through some personal things and I get that sometimes it can rub off onto the relationship. 17:35.756 --> 17:41.201 [SPEAKER_00]: I would, again, I don't know if you've opened up to your boyfriend about this, but maybe 17:41.882 --> 17:46.488 [SPEAKER_00]: Maybe try opening up to him about what you're currently going through and how you're feeling. 17:47.049 --> 17:52.156 [SPEAKER_00]: Because you can't just let people assume and mind-read people can't mind-read. 17:52.216 --> 17:53.438 [SPEAKER_00]: They don't know what's going on. 17:54.018 --> 17:58.985 [SPEAKER_00]: So I think that if you were to open up to him and kind of get this weight off your shoulders, 17:59.726 --> 18:13.052 [SPEAKER_00]: So that you can work through this together as opposed to like you kind of keeping this struggle to yourself and trying to still show up in the same way you want just were without imposing him of whatever it is that you were going through. 18:13.072 --> 18:20.295 [SPEAKER_00]: I think you'll feel a lot lighter and I feel like you won't feel like you're struggling as hard with maintaining 18:21.035 --> 18:24.359 [SPEAKER_00]: the health of the relationship and showing up in the way that you once were. 18:24.379 --> 18:40.258 [SPEAKER_00]: So it's start with that and I know it's really hard to be vulnerable especially when you're eighteen and you're six months into seeing this guy and it's being long distance, but I would hop on FaceTime with him or video call whatever you use and 18:41.178 --> 18:44.160 [SPEAKER_00]: I would just be vulnerable with him. 18:44.420 --> 18:52.803 [SPEAKER_00]: And I think that will actually probably bring you guys closer and feel like you have a deeper connection with one another. 18:52.823 --> 18:59.846 [SPEAKER_00]: And I think this could actually be really good in helping you strengthen your relationship and help deal with the distance. 18:59.906 --> 19:01.547 [SPEAKER_00]: So I would start with that. 19:01.767 --> 19:02.868 [SPEAKER_00]: See how that goes. 19:03.388 --> 19:05.649 [SPEAKER_00]: See how you respond, how you react, how 19:06.169 --> 19:15.114 [SPEAKER_00]: He acts towards you moving forward and see how you feel as well if that makes you feel a little bit lighter, like you're struggling a little bit less, and then take it from there. 19:15.574 --> 19:16.174 [SPEAKER_00]: Hi, Lynn. 19:16.314 --> 19:20.076 [SPEAKER_00]: My college roommates and I are moving back to our new apartment next month. 19:20.617 --> 19:27.760 [SPEAKER_00]: Before we left for Summer Break, we cleared up some tension that I had been going on all semester due to a situation where I got my feelings hurt. 19:28.181 --> 19:34.424 [SPEAKER_00]: Any advice on how to truly be able to forgive and make moving back and seem joyful when it's been a very hard thing for me to work through. 19:35.104 --> 19:44.947 [SPEAKER_00]: Okay, this is tough for me to answer because I know that once something has rubbed me the wrong way, it is really hard for me to work through things. 19:45.607 --> 19:56.330 [SPEAKER_00]: But you have had some time apart, which I know always helps me and it seems like you guys had a conversation about it all, which is a really good starting point. 19:56.970 --> 20:01.354 [SPEAKER_00]: You still have another month or at least time before you move back. 20:01.854 --> 20:20.071 [SPEAKER_00]: I would really work on learning how to just let go and view this as an opportunity to start on a new blank page, a new chapter of your story and being roommates and friends with these ladies or whoever. 20:20.771 --> 20:32.922 [SPEAKER_00]: Obviously, easier said than done, but just like try to really just let go and take their apology and the conversation that you had, full heartedly and learn to slowly trust. 20:32.962 --> 20:35.685 [SPEAKER_00]: You don't have to hang out with them all the time just because you're roommates. 20:36.125 --> 20:39.687 [SPEAKER_00]: But just try to reframe the perspective in which you view them. 20:39.847 --> 20:46.169 [SPEAKER_00]: It is possible to rebuild friendships after having tension or things that hurt you. 20:46.189 --> 20:47.069 [SPEAKER_00]: It is possible. 20:47.129 --> 20:54.692 [SPEAKER_00]: But just try to meet people where they're at and be communicative and treat others the way that you would want to be treated. 20:54.712 --> 21:00.595 [SPEAKER_00]: And I think over time, you'll kind of get back to that good, healthy place that you guys were once at. 21:01.365 --> 21:05.309 [SPEAKER_00]: Hey, Lynn, do you have any tips on how to make close friends in your twenties? 21:05.850 --> 21:13.218 [SPEAKER_00]: I'm pretty outgoing and have a lot of medium friends, but I want to know how to turn these into meaningful and deep relationships. 21:14.039 --> 21:17.883 [SPEAKER_00]: I feel like this is always something that's kind of hard to navigate. 21:18.584 --> 21:27.628 [SPEAKER_00]: In your twenties because when you're younger you're kind of doing everything together and there's more opportunity to spend a lot of time with your friends. 21:28.088 --> 21:39.813 [SPEAKER_00]: But obviously as we get older and we're post-grad we're all kind of on these different trajectories and we have busy lives and a lot of things that are pulling our attention in every which way. 21:39.913 --> 21:45.575 [SPEAKER_00]: So it's harder to spend as much time as frequently with friends as we did when we were younger. 21:46.575 --> 21:57.738 [SPEAKER_00]: And you build these meaningful and deeper relationships through the more time you spend with people and the more experiences you have together and these open conversations. 21:58.378 --> 22:09.261 [SPEAKER_00]: I would say, like, of the medium friends, the ones that you feel you vibe and connect with the most or look up to or like their energy or want to be like. 22:09.881 --> 22:15.566 [SPEAKER_00]: The most, those are the ones I would focus on prioritizing or even just like one or two. 22:15.586 --> 22:31.861 [SPEAKER_00]: I have really learned that it really is quality over quantity when it comes to friendships especially as we get older, but just like initiating more plans with them, maybe doing more activities together, like things that you can bond over, like I know 22:32.682 --> 22:55.635 [SPEAKER_00]: traveling with like training Kaley we got close really fast traveling with my friends Jordan and Jenna and Lauren made us close a lot faster and being proactive about singing each other and speaking on the phone and reaching out over text has allowed us to build these friendships and to find those meaningful and deep relationships in our twenties. 22:56.175 --> 23:00.718 [SPEAKER_00]: So I think just being proactive and choosing 23:01.258 --> 23:03.840 [SPEAKER_00]: seeing also like you want this to be reciprocated. 23:03.860 --> 23:20.232 [SPEAKER_00]: You're not just choosing and forcing this person to be a closer friend of yours, prioritizing who you want to spend more time with and choosing to be vulnerable with them and being open with them and finding more ways to connect with each other on a deeper level for a lot of women. 23:20.332 --> 23:24.535 [SPEAKER_00]: It's through conversations about deeper subjects. 23:24.595 --> 23:29.459 [SPEAKER_00]: So trying to encourage that conversation or those conversations with them. 23:30.099 --> 23:39.691 [SPEAKER_00]: And I find that's kind of how my medium friends have become a deeper relationships and more meaningful friendships. 23:40.472 --> 23:41.874 [SPEAKER_00]: How much time have we done? 23:42.134 --> 23:42.454 [SPEAKER_00]: Okay. 23:42.895 --> 23:47.340 [SPEAKER_00]: How are we meeting men that court asked because I'm only finding men that don't LOL? 23:48.301 --> 23:53.644 [SPEAKER_00]: I have learned and I've maybe I've had this like a recent realization in the past six months or so. 23:53.664 --> 24:00.008 [SPEAKER_00]: I no longer am entertaining men who aren't meeting me in the way that I want to be met. 24:00.048 --> 24:01.909 [SPEAKER_00]: They're not dating me the way I want to be dated. 24:02.269 --> 24:04.550 [SPEAKER_00]: They're not respecting me the way I want to be respected. 24:04.570 --> 24:06.712 [SPEAKER_00]: They are no longer interesting to me. 24:06.732 --> 24:08.132 [SPEAKER_00]: It is an instant turn off. 24:08.193 --> 24:08.733 [SPEAKER_00]: It is an egg. 24:09.193 --> 24:19.901 [SPEAKER_00]: The sooner you stop entertaining people just for that validation, that attention, that ego boost, that aren't an alignment with what you want in a partner and what you are seeking. 24:20.522 --> 24:35.113 [SPEAKER_00]: The sooner and faster you will attract and find people who meet you where you want to be mad and are showing up and courting you the way that you want to be corded and dated and build a relationship with you in the way that you want. 24:36.080 --> 24:39.223 [SPEAKER_00]: I honestly, I mean, I don't hate dating apps. 24:39.323 --> 24:44.787 [SPEAKER_00]: I think they are useful tool, but I find a lot of situationships happen off of dating apps. 24:45.027 --> 24:51.511 [SPEAKER_00]: I think meeting someone, either in person or through mutual friends is the best way to go. 24:51.612 --> 24:58.637 [SPEAKER_00]: And I feel like any of my longer term relationships in the past few years have been through 24:59.357 --> 25:02.218 [SPEAKER_00]: people I have met through mutual friends not from dating up. 25:02.298 --> 25:14.343 [SPEAKER_00]: So take with that what you will, but I would say like the biggest thing is stop entertaining men that aren't behaving and treating you and leading in the way that you want them to lead. 25:14.403 --> 25:18.564 [SPEAKER_00]: Like if you don't want a nonchalant man, stop entertaining the nonchalant man. 25:18.985 --> 25:19.365 [SPEAKER_00]: If he is 25:20.105 --> 25:25.930 [SPEAKER_00]: right off the bat not wanting to take you out and take initiative and take action. 25:25.950 --> 25:31.194 [SPEAKER_00]: Then he's never really going to do that and it's always kind of just going to be a pen pal. 25:31.554 --> 25:40.180 [SPEAKER_00]: I think also the other thing that I came to realize is honestly I stopped doing the whole roster thing because 25:41.081 --> 25:47.166 [SPEAKER_00]: I realize if I was seeing a person like past three dates, I don't want them to have a roster. 25:47.926 --> 25:50.108 [SPEAKER_00]: I wanted them to be loyal to me. 25:50.128 --> 25:55.832 [SPEAKER_00]: I wanted them to be committed to me as committed as you can be at that point in time. 25:55.892 --> 25:57.613 [SPEAKER_00]: Obviously, we didn't need to have a title or anything. 25:58.654 --> 26:07.198 [SPEAKER_00]: If I was looking for a commitment, loyalty, consistency, and all these things, and I needed to portray those and how I acted. 26:07.699 --> 26:09.780 [SPEAKER_00]: It wasn't that I was an exception to the rule. 26:09.900 --> 26:14.722 [SPEAKER_00]: I needed to act differently and date differently in order to get a different result. 26:14.882 --> 26:19.685 [SPEAKER_00]: Because clearly, the previous way in which I was dating was only 26:20.585 --> 26:27.367 [SPEAKER_00]: resulting in men that were not courting me and were comfortable with the situation ship and that's all they wanted. 26:27.968 --> 26:30.508 [SPEAKER_00]: So I changed the way that I dated. 26:30.528 --> 26:36.030 [SPEAKER_00]: I changed how I let men interact with me and who had access to me and who didn't. 26:36.691 --> 26:37.691 [SPEAKER_00]: Take it with what you will. 26:38.311 --> 26:39.372 [SPEAKER_00]: Last question here. 26:39.792 --> 26:43.253 [SPEAKER_00]: Should a person's body count be taken into consideration when dating? 26:43.813 --> 26:46.237 [SPEAKER_00]: This is a hot take, maybe, maybe not. 26:46.357 --> 26:49.602 [SPEAKER_00]: I think it's definitely a controversial opinion, but no. 26:49.962 --> 26:52.005 [SPEAKER_00]: I don't think it should be even a conversation. 26:52.025 --> 26:54.109 [SPEAKER_00]: I don't think this should ever come up. 26:54.690 --> 26:56.172 [SPEAKER_00]: It's literally no one's business. 26:56.452 --> 26:58.615 [SPEAKER_00]: And the only thing that shouldn't matter is 27:00.017 --> 27:11.050 [SPEAKER_00]: One does this person respect you, treat you, respect and treat you with the way that you want to be treated and respect your boundaries and show up considerably. 27:11.070 --> 27:14.774 [SPEAKER_00]: Are they respectful and caring and courteous? 27:15.575 --> 27:19.616 [SPEAKER_00]: towards you, especially in the bedroom if we're talking about sex here. 27:19.636 --> 27:27.878 [SPEAKER_00]: I don't think a person's body count should be taken into account, especially with all of the double standards that exist within society. 27:27.978 --> 27:31.459 [SPEAKER_00]: It's cool if a guy adds another body to their count. 27:31.919 --> 27:34.039 [SPEAKER_00]: It's shamed upon if a woman does. 27:34.499 --> 27:45.262 [SPEAKER_00]: A woman is seen as a slut and man is praised for it or even like all the religious and political connotations that go in to how people are perceived based off of 27:45.862 --> 27:52.310 [SPEAKER_00]: How often they have sex, who they have sex with, how they have sex, how they speak about sex. 27:52.931 --> 27:57.697 [SPEAKER_00]: Their relationship with sex, like there are so many things that intersect there. 27:58.397 --> 28:02.522 [SPEAKER_00]: I personally don't think a person's body count should be taken into consideration. 28:03.343 --> 28:09.569 [SPEAKER_00]: And I would never date someone seriously or consider or continue seeing someone. 28:10.209 --> 28:24.262 [SPEAKER_00]: If they were to ask me that or if they were to place any judgment or assumptions on me as to what they thought my body count was or anything, any judgmental component to body count like it should not just never. 28:24.362 --> 28:24.922 [SPEAKER_00]: It doesn't matter. 28:25.303 --> 28:26.304 [SPEAKER_00]: It literally doesn't matter. 28:27.024 --> 28:28.224 [SPEAKER_00]: It's irrelevant. 28:28.704 --> 28:35.666 [SPEAKER_00]: So that's my odd take, but that was your Askland advice column episode on relationships and friendships. 28:36.306 --> 28:38.007 [SPEAKER_00]: I hope that you enjoyed it. 28:38.127 --> 28:48.209 [SPEAKER_00]: I hope that if you heard your question, that the advice I provided was helpful, that maybe you feel a bit more clear on what to do, how to proceed forward. 28:48.429 --> 28:50.209 [SPEAKER_00]: As always, my DMs are always open. 28:50.390 --> 28:56.291 [SPEAKER_00]: If you would like to participate in next month's Askland advice column, you can hit up the 28:56.831 --> 28:57.231 [SPEAKER_00]: Hit up. 28:58.071 --> 29:02.552 [SPEAKER_00]: You can hit up the Aslan Google form that's always in the show notes. 29:03.272 --> 29:07.013 [SPEAKER_00]: And if you need advice that's more pressing, DMs are always open. 29:07.033 --> 29:10.173 [SPEAKER_00]: I always do Q&A's on my stories on Mondays. 29:10.713 --> 29:16.014 [SPEAKER_00]: And if you like this episode, make sure to leave a rating or review on Apple Podcast. 29:16.034 --> 29:16.635 [SPEAKER_00]: I Spotify. 29:16.655 --> 29:17.995 [SPEAKER_00]: That's how you can help support the show. 29:18.015 --> 29:20.295 [SPEAKER_00]: I hope you all have a lovely week. 29:20.575 --> 29:22.996 [SPEAKER_00]: I love you guys so much and we'll catch soon. 29:23.336 --> 29:23.776 [SPEAKER_00]: Bye guys.