[SPEAKER_00]: insecure attachment styles.
[SPEAKER_00]: There are three types within the insecure.
[SPEAKER_00]: So we've put secure aside.
[SPEAKER_00]: The insecure have three types.
[SPEAKER_00]: One is called anxious attached.
[SPEAKER_00]: Anxious attached.
[SPEAKER_00]: By and large, a lot of women fall into this category.
[SPEAKER_00]: Anxious attached are people who deep down fear abandonment.
[SPEAKER_00]: They have an abandonment one.
[SPEAKER_00]: That's the core one.
[SPEAKER_00]: Basically, someone in their life, early on, abandoned them physically or emotionally.
[SPEAKER_00]: Got it?
[SPEAKER_00]: And that then develops into an anxious attachment style.
[SPEAKER_00]: These are the people who are always worried that someone is mad at them.
[SPEAKER_00]: Are you mad at me?
[SPEAKER_00]: Did I do something?
[SPEAKER_00]: Are you okay?
[SPEAKER_00]: Is everything okay?
[SPEAKER_00]: They're very anxious in the way that they attach.
[SPEAKER_00]: They're more cling, they cling more.
[SPEAKER_00]: They chase more, these are people who, some might called needy, needy, right?
[SPEAKER_00]: That's the anxious attachments out.
[SPEAKER_00]: They're very worried about disconnection or abandonment.
[SPEAKER_00]: They always want to be close, right?
[SPEAKER_00]: And they're very anxious about this.
[SPEAKER_00]: They're very preoccupied with this, okay?
[SPEAKER_00]: Another insecure attachment style called avoidant.
[SPEAKER_00]: Now, avoidant is the opposite.
[SPEAKER_00]: Avoidants don't want to get close.
[SPEAKER_00]: Avoidants are actually very uncomfortable with intimacy.
[SPEAKER_00]: They want distance.
[SPEAKER_00]: They want their own space.
[SPEAKER_00]: Now, is any of this something like, one is attracting the other?
[SPEAKER_00]: I just love the way that works.
[SPEAKER_00]: But that's how that's what happens.
[SPEAKER_00]: And usually one is the woman and one is the man.
[SPEAKER_00]: But this is how it happens.
[SPEAKER_00]: Why?
[SPEAKER_00]: How did a person become anxiously attached?
[SPEAKER_00]: We said there was an abandonment wood.
[SPEAKER_00]: Somebody abandoned them.
[SPEAKER_00]: Either emotionally or physically so they're afraid.
[SPEAKER_00]: They're terrified of disconnection.
[SPEAKER_00]: They're terrified of distance because you might leave me.
[SPEAKER_00]: You might not approve of me.
[SPEAKER_00]: You might realize that you don't want to be with me.
[SPEAKER_00]: You might realize that I'm not good enough.
[SPEAKER_00]: or that I too much.
[SPEAKER_00]: It's very interesting because a lot of women have this deep fear of being too much.
[SPEAKER_00]: And we hear all the time.
[SPEAKER_00]: You're too sensitive.
[SPEAKER_00]: You're too much.
[SPEAKER_00]: You're too dramatic.
[SPEAKER_00]: You demand too much.
[SPEAKER_00]: But usually hear that from someone who's dismissive and avoided.
[SPEAKER_00]: Because for them, they had a different one.
[SPEAKER_00]: By the way, don't think that they're nosy and you're not.
[SPEAKER_00]: You both have just different types of insecure attachment sites.
[SPEAKER_00]: You understand?
[SPEAKER_00]: The difference is that you want connection, and you fear loss, and you fear distance, and you fear abandonment, whereas for them, they fear closeness.
[SPEAKER_00]: Actually fear closeness.
[SPEAKER_00]: In a sense, they don't know what to do with emotion.
[SPEAKER_00]: They're like scared of emotion.
[SPEAKER_00]: For them, emotion is the lion.
[SPEAKER_00]: That triggers them.
[SPEAKER_00]: You understand?
[SPEAKER_00]: They actually don't feel safe with the motion.
[SPEAKER_00]: So if you're crying in front of them, they are literally being triggered into their stress response.
[SPEAKER_00]: They are seeing a lion.
[SPEAKER_00]: What do I do?
[SPEAKER_00]: You know, they're banishing.
[SPEAKER_00]: They have to understand their body's going into fight or flight.
[SPEAKER_00]: Because you're crying.
[SPEAKER_00]: Because you're showing an emotion.
[SPEAKER_00]: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
[SPEAKER_00]: I don't know.
[SPEAKER_00]: I was never taught what to do with this.
[SPEAKER_00]: I was never taught what to do with my emotions, let alone yours.
[SPEAKER_00]: You think if someone doesn't know what to do with their own emotions, they're going to know what to do with yours.
[SPEAKER_00]: Answer is no.
[SPEAKER_00]: If they don't know what to do with their own, if they don't even know what they feel because it's so buried.
[SPEAKER_00]: And don't think that men don't have emotions.
[SPEAKER_00]: This is like this weird myth that we have.
[SPEAKER_00]: Men have tons of emotions.
[SPEAKER_00]: In fact, they're all built up and stored in there.
[SPEAKER_00]: And that cheesecake is not even cheesecake anymore.
[SPEAKER_00]: It is poison.
[SPEAKER_00]: But they just don't know what to do with it.
[SPEAKER_00]: And so it's all blocked down.
[SPEAKER_00]: It's all pushed down.
[SPEAKER_00]: So what happens is that when someone is showing emotion in front of them,
[SPEAKER_00]: They panic, they go into fight or flight.
[SPEAKER_00]: Now, what are they going to do in response?
[SPEAKER_00]: Will a dismissive avoid it is going to avoid it?
[SPEAKER_00]: It's going to run away.
[SPEAKER_00]: It's going to shut it down.
[SPEAKER_00]: It's going to say you're overreacting.
[SPEAKER_00]: Has anyone ever heard that one?
[SPEAKER_00]: Anyone?
[SPEAKER_00]: You're overreacting.
[SPEAKER_00]: You're too sensitive.
[SPEAKER_00]: You're making a big deal out of nothing.
[SPEAKER_00]: I want you to understand.
[SPEAKER_00]: that this isn't true.
[SPEAKER_00]: You're not making a big deal out of nothing.
[SPEAKER_00]: And emotion is a real thing.
[SPEAKER_00]: If you're feeling it, it's real.
[SPEAKER_00]: The problem is that when the person you're speaking to is not comfortable with emotion, the only way they know how to deal with that panic is to make it go away.
[SPEAKER_00]: Just the way they make their own emotions go away, they want to make it go away in YouTube.
[SPEAKER_00]: How?
[SPEAKER_00]: By convincing you that it's not really there.
[SPEAKER_00]: Does that work?
[SPEAKER_00]: Tell me how well that works.
[SPEAKER_00]: Does that make you feel better?
[SPEAKER_00]: Has anyone ever felt better because someone told them that they should feel a certain way?
[SPEAKER_00]: You probably get more upset.
[SPEAKER_00]: So the interesting irony of this is that avoidance, attract, anxious.