WEBVTT 00:02.326 --> 00:06.491 [SPEAKER_02]: Christian parenting. 00:06.511 --> 00:11.337 [SPEAKER_00]: We're happy new year and welcome to the first episode of Let's Parental and Purpose for 2026. 00:12.378 --> 00:15.562 [SPEAKER_00]: I'm your host Jay Holland, glad to have you here today. 00:16.222 --> 00:25.954 [SPEAKER_00]: My special guest today is Virgil Tanner, longtime friend of mine and somebody that if you're familiar with the podcast has been on more than just about anybody, maybe more than anybody. 00:25.934 --> 00:37.195 [SPEAKER_00]: Every time I have a conversation with Virgil, I learn a ton and this is one that I actually asked him to join me on as I was preparing for a winery treat that art church just did. 00:37.816 --> 00:43.707 [SPEAKER_00]: Walking through some of the principles and teachings that I learned from Virgil, I wanted to bring you in on them. 00:43.687 --> 00:56.544 [SPEAKER_00]: Virgil is the executive director of One Tree, it's a ministry that helps lead resource and teach missionaries, leaders, business leaders, ministry leaders. 00:57.345 --> 01:02.051 [SPEAKER_00]: How to center their souls around Jesus so that they might thrive in stressful situations. 01:02.692 --> 01:08.079 [SPEAKER_00]: He's written about soul-tending leadership for strategic human flourishing that you can find on Amazon. 01:08.519 --> 01:09.080 [SPEAKER_00]: I've read it. 01:09.260 --> 01:12.765 [SPEAKER_00]: A lot of principles that we're going to talk about today come out of soul-tending. 01:12.745 --> 01:13.806 [SPEAKER_00]: highly recommend it. 01:14.306 --> 01:17.650 [SPEAKER_00]: And I will tell you, it's a bit different of a conversation. 01:17.690 --> 01:27.078 [SPEAKER_00]: You're going to feel like a fly on the wall sometimes might feel like you're in the weeds for a little bit, but if you will stay with it, let me just overview what we're talking about. 01:28.180 --> 01:33.084 [SPEAKER_00]: We're talking about the principle of anti-fragile faith. 01:33.284 --> 01:34.165 [SPEAKER_00]: What are the things? 01:34.185 --> 01:34.886 [SPEAKER_00]: What are the habits? 01:34.906 --> 01:35.947 [SPEAKER_00]: What are the practices? 01:36.167 --> 01:39.310 [SPEAKER_00]: How do we send our life around Jesus in such a way? 01:39.290 --> 01:42.933 [SPEAKER_00]: the when the calamity comes, we don't crumble. 01:43.714 --> 01:49.039 [SPEAKER_00]: And we talk about it in a way of how to do this for ourselves, but also setting up our children for this. 01:49.079 --> 01:52.222 [SPEAKER_00]: And this was the theme of the Winnery Treat that I just did. 01:53.163 --> 02:08.757 [SPEAKER_00]: Learning to love God with all our hearts, soul, mind, and strength, meaning that we are going to aim to connect and show love of Christ in our spiritual life with our bodies, with our minds, with our emotions and in our relationships. 02:08.737 --> 02:13.043 [SPEAKER_00]: So that's kind of the overarching theme we want to walk into the year. 02:13.445 --> 02:26.425 [SPEAKER_00]: understanding how we personally and then with our children might be equipped with a set of habits, practices that will connect us with Christ and forgify us for the trials to come, giving us abundant life. 02:26.466 --> 02:29.230 [SPEAKER_00]: So that's large picture what we're talking about. 02:29.590 --> 02:40.768 [SPEAKER_00]: You're going to get some great insight on practically how this is worked in an experiential experience that I had in my life and then what are the practices you can implement in your home. 02:40.748 --> 02:53.499 [SPEAKER_00]: Before we jump in, I do want to remind you, in case you have not heard yet, I just recently released a daily devotional gratitude journal that if you're beginning the year or any time in the year would be great for you to start. 02:53.559 --> 02:58.884 [SPEAKER_00]: It's called renewed the 365 day Christian gratitude journal. 02:58.944 --> 03:07.551 [SPEAKER_00]: I've been overwhelmed with the encouraging response from those who have gotten it and are using it and then buying copies to give to friends and family. 03:07.952 --> 03:09.473 [SPEAKER_00]: So thank you so much for that. 03:09.453 --> 03:12.397 [SPEAKER_00]: If you have, I would encourage you to review it on Amazon. 03:12.577 --> 03:15.581 [SPEAKER_00]: And if you haven't picked up a copy, it's sold solely on Amazon. 03:15.641 --> 03:23.552 [SPEAKER_00]: So Amazon.com, you can just type in Renewed Journal, J. Holland, and it will pop up or use the link in the show notes below. 03:24.313 --> 03:29.200 [SPEAKER_00]: Speaking of links, we talk about resources that I developed for our U3 treat. 03:29.180 --> 03:38.111 [SPEAKER_00]: And I'm happy to give all of those away to you, so if I don't put them in the show notes here, then if you get all my things for Thursday email, you'll have access to them. 03:38.532 --> 03:50.327 [SPEAKER_00]: Text the word things THINGS to 6-6-866, that's things to 6-6-866, and I will connect you with any of the resources that we've developed to help our students. 03:50.307 --> 04:03.254 [SPEAKER_00]: And parents in our church set up these love relationship habits and practices to connect them with Christ and help them to thrive in a world of crumbling faith and crumbling anxiety. 04:03.775 --> 04:04.717 [SPEAKER_00]: We don't want to be those people. 04:04.737 --> 04:08.164 [SPEAKER_00]: We want to be the people who are blessing to the world as we connect with Jesus. 04:08.144 --> 04:10.447 [SPEAKER_00]: Thanks for listening to this podcast. 04:10.467 --> 04:17.757 [SPEAKER_00]: I encourage you to subscribe, share, and especially this episode share it with somebody that you think would really be intrigued and helped by it. 04:17.818 --> 04:20.181 [SPEAKER_00]: So here's my conversation with Virgil Tanner. 04:20.682 --> 04:29.314 [SPEAKER_00]: Don't forget to grab a copy of Renewed for you and a friend and check out Virgil's book as well as soul tending, leadership for strategic human development. 04:29.634 --> 04:30.355 [SPEAKER_00]: Here we go. 04:30.655 --> 04:39.438 [SPEAKER_00]: Virgil, it's great to see you again, friend, and get to have you back on welcome back to Let's Parental and Purpose, gosh, for like the eighth, ninth time, I don't even know now. 04:40.080 --> 04:42.707 [SPEAKER_02]: Something like that, I always love doing this to you, so thanks for having me. 04:42.873 --> 04:52.130 [SPEAKER_00]: I remember on your fifth time, I told you that your five timers club jacket was container and storage off the coast. 04:52.190 --> 04:53.152 [SPEAKER_00]: Did that ever arrive? 04:53.172 --> 04:55.396 [SPEAKER_01]: No, I've never gotten it. 04:55.676 --> 04:57.159 [SPEAKER_01]: No, I keep, I'm looking for it still. 04:57.179 --> 04:58.782 [SPEAKER_00]: Huge, huge back up delay. 04:59.243 --> 05:03.811 [SPEAKER_00]: Because it has that Velcro patch on it, so you'll get your 10 timers patch. 05:03.831 --> 05:05.033 [SPEAKER_00]: That's it. 05:05.013 --> 05:32.505 [SPEAKER_00]: So, Verge, we've had some conversations over a few years that this is really going to be a continuation of, I think as the Lord continues to grow and clarify something and in my life and years and in the people that we get to serve in Minister, I'm going to try to set it up maybe in a little bit different way and we're just going to kind of hash it out 05:33.532 --> 05:53.447 [SPEAKER_00]: The themes that I'm thinking in my head are like the anxiety of this generation, the fragility that we see not just in children, but in culture and oftentimes even Christians and and I'm juxtaposing that with Jesus. 05:53.427 --> 06:01.556 [SPEAKER_00]: in the end of the sermon on the Mount saying, you know, I say whoever hears these words of mine and does them will be like the wise man who builds this house on the rock. 06:02.097 --> 06:07.883 [SPEAKER_00]: And the rain's fell and the floods came and the winds blew, but the house stood because it was built on the rock. 06:08.103 --> 06:18.034 [SPEAKER_00]: And so when I think of what Jesus taught, there was an expectation of Jesus, 06:18.132 --> 06:30.788 [SPEAKER_00]: of all of the same storms that everybody in life was going to have, but this house on a rock, that in my mind, it's like, it doesn't just stand, but it's a shelter for everybody else. 06:31.970 --> 06:38.238 [SPEAKER_00]: Like, thinking back to the three little pigs, like this one blew over, this one blew over, and fortunately one built it out of bricks to protect everybody else. 06:38.999 --> 06:40.461 [SPEAKER_00]: And in my mind, 06:40.441 --> 06:49.659 [SPEAKER_00]: This is what a believer should ultimately be, is that metaphor of a house on the rock, where like the storms actually show you how strong the house is. 06:51.021 --> 06:55.630 [SPEAKER_00]: But in observation, I don't see that a lot. 06:56.151 --> 06:59.277 [SPEAKER_00]: And I think that's in not just in kids, 06:59.257 --> 07:15.477 [SPEAKER_00]: But in kids and just every day average people and virtual I think in the mission world that you've lived in, you've probably observed this as well, where it's like, you know, these people have given their lives to go overseas and serve Jesus. 07:15.457 --> 07:29.079 [SPEAKER_00]: and oftentimes the things that are making them limp back home off the field are not the scary anti-Christian threatening to burn their house down but something far less and so. 07:29.099 --> 07:30.121 [SPEAKER_00]: Something far smaller. 07:30.261 --> 07:30.682 [SPEAKER_00]: Yeah. 07:30.702 --> 07:35.390 [SPEAKER_00]: So just with that in mind, what are the observations that you've had along these lines as well? 07:37.433 --> 07:38.595 [SPEAKER_02]: Yeah. 07:39.453 --> 07:44.159 [SPEAKER_02]: Yeah, so if you, the, you mentioned culture and that's, I think that's pretty significant. 07:46.262 --> 07:48.926 [SPEAKER_02]: Culture is, there's a thousand definitions for culture, right? 07:50.067 --> 07:51.129 [SPEAKER_02]: And they're all, they're all good. 07:51.449 --> 07:55.895 [SPEAKER_02]: The reason they're all good and the reason there's a thousand good ones is that culture is sort of everything. 07:56.536 --> 08:01.403 [SPEAKER_02]: And the ways that you approach to look at it, kind of determine which definition you work with, right? 08:01.803 --> 08:08.312 [SPEAKER_02]: So one of the ways that culture's defined is culture's how things get done around here. 08:09.119 --> 08:17.570 [SPEAKER_02]: So it's, it means both, you can see the culture and the way things get done, but also culture is the lever to pull to make things happen. 08:18.731 --> 08:21.935 [SPEAKER_02]: And if you want something to get done, you have to use culture to do it. 08:22.436 --> 08:24.078 [SPEAKER_02]: You can't simply try. 08:24.138 --> 08:27.903 [SPEAKER_02]: You can't just try harder, you can't pick a different path. 08:28.143 --> 08:32.308 [SPEAKER_02]: Very few people can do something no one else is doing. 08:33.233 --> 08:52.474 [SPEAKER_00]: Okay, can you can you I'm intrigued by that can you give me maybe an example of that so you can't do something Without culture or like completely out of the confines and context of your culture yeah it's super difficult it's very very difficult because most most of the 08:53.348 --> 08:55.534 [SPEAKER_02]: All right, I gotta use like normal, normal people talk. 08:55.595 --> 08:59.867 [SPEAKER_02]: My wife's always telling me that I use words and no one uses it, it makes it not helpful. 09:00.369 --> 09:02.735 [SPEAKER_02]: I'm gonna use a word that no one uses, then I'm gonna define it. 09:02.756 --> 09:04.641 [SPEAKER_02]: Or something called the social imaginary. 09:05.465 --> 09:12.435 [SPEAKER_02]: What that means is there's a story that we all bear or barely conscious of, but we all sort of agree as the story we're living in. 09:13.236 --> 09:16.741 [SPEAKER_02]: And it's a different story than the story of the folks in India living. 09:16.882 --> 09:19.045 [SPEAKER_02]: And it's a different story than the folks in Pakistan live in. 09:19.666 --> 09:28.198 [SPEAKER_02]: And it's a different story in your neighborhood from the story that the people in the neighborhood down the street live in, depending on if they're from a different culture. 09:28.178 --> 09:32.022 [SPEAKER_02]: And that's why you feel different around them. 09:32.263 --> 09:35.466 [SPEAKER_02]: It's not because of any particular concrete thing. 09:36.067 --> 09:41.633 [SPEAKER_02]: It's that you're aware that you got teleported out of the show that you're a character in into a different show. 09:42.994 --> 09:44.536 [SPEAKER_02]: You were moved into a different narrative. 09:46.018 --> 09:47.960 [SPEAKER_02]: So our formation is experiential. 09:48.481 --> 09:51.604 [SPEAKER_02]: You can't inform someone into change. 09:52.192 --> 09:53.093 [SPEAKER_02]: It's communal. 09:53.273 --> 09:54.274 [SPEAKER_02]: It happens relationally. 09:54.394 --> 09:57.978 [SPEAKER_02]: We do things together, it doesn't stick, and it's narratively situated. 09:58.078 --> 10:05.065 [SPEAKER_02]: That means that we change by by changing the character that we are in a story, which means sometimes we have to edit the story. 10:05.426 --> 10:14.095 [SPEAKER_02]: So when you mentioned that fragility is part of the culture, like it has been sort of baptized and codified and made into something that's noble. 10:14.795 --> 10:16.497 [SPEAKER_02]: It's noble to be the victim. 10:16.998 --> 10:22.063 [SPEAKER_02]: It's noble to be so hurt that you just can't. 10:23.123 --> 10:45.385 [SPEAKER_02]: right like how many times is someone said oh I can't even how how can how did we get where we're proud of we can't even you know like that's not that can't be right but the very clearly culture has has taken weakness and made it put made it the advantage position. 10:45.905 --> 10:52.854 [SPEAKER_02]: And then in the church, we do the same thing because we hear Paul say, when I'm weak, then he's strong, and we think that that means weakness is good. 10:53.455 --> 10:56.740 [SPEAKER_02]: But we ignore all the places that Paul says, no, be strong, be strong. 10:57.421 --> 11:03.789 [SPEAKER_02]: Be strong all the times you can, and in the very few occurrences in which you cannot, he'll make up the difference. 11:03.809 --> 11:04.470 [SPEAKER_02]: But be strong. 11:05.935 --> 11:14.856 [SPEAKER_00]: I have been using a statement with our students, and I've tried to make it one of the regulars I use because I think it's very important for them to hear and get until it clicks. 11:16.400 --> 11:21.953 [SPEAKER_00]: You control the story that plays in your head, but the story that plays in your head controls you. 11:21.933 --> 11:27.560 [SPEAKER_00]: And let me say that one more time, you control the story that plays in your head, but the story that plays in your head controls you. 11:27.580 --> 11:34.388 [SPEAKER_00]: And as you were talking, I was thinking, this is not just true for an individual. 11:34.428 --> 11:37.632 [SPEAKER_00]: This is this is true for their community. 11:37.813 --> 11:42.979 [SPEAKER_00]: This is true for the culture that they live in 11:42.959 --> 11:55.333 [SPEAKER_00]: has a narrative, has a certain story, and there's a lot of their actions and reactions, and default ways that they do things and handle things that is controlled by this story. 11:55.834 --> 12:06.867 [SPEAKER_00]: And so what you're saying is it's not just enough to change the actions, like you've got to address this story behind the actions. 12:06.927 --> 12:07.768 [SPEAKER_00]: Is that correct? 12:08.035 --> 12:14.886 [SPEAKER_02]: Yes, so like if you imagine like like a little astronaut in a spaceship flying through space, okay? 12:14.906 --> 12:22.879 [SPEAKER_02]: He has a story in his head that's determining where he wants to go, but he's also inside a spaceship that determines where he can go. 12:22.899 --> 12:33.115 [SPEAKER_02]: The story in your head determines where you want to go where you're trying to get to the story you live in controls where you can get 12:34.107 --> 12:40.213 [SPEAKER_02]: So if you actually want to see, so there's a story in you and you're in a story. 12:40.233 --> 12:40.694 [SPEAKER_02]: Okay. 12:40.774 --> 12:46.540 [SPEAKER_02]: If you want to change the places you can get to, you have to change the story you're in. 12:46.580 --> 12:50.263 [SPEAKER_02]: And that's always cultural, it's easier to say it is, that's an us thing. 12:51.505 --> 12:51.605 [SPEAKER_02]: Okay. 12:51.625 --> 12:52.646 [SPEAKER_02]: It's always an us thing. 12:52.666 --> 12:56.390 [SPEAKER_02]: So you're gonna get further, this is why wait, what's your says good science behind it now? 12:56.410 --> 12:58.972 [SPEAKER_02]: It used to have the worst science in all of diet. 13:00.033 --> 13:03.557 [SPEAKER_02]: And they still have the best outcomes. 13:03.706 --> 13:08.832 [SPEAKER_02]: You can have the wrong the wrong answer and get the good outcomes if you just do it together. 13:11.164 --> 13:12.450 [SPEAKER_00]: So in 13:12.953 --> 13:23.728 [SPEAKER_00]: And thinking about this, changing the story, if you have a family, if you have a household, you've got a preset community to begin changing that story. 13:23.768 --> 13:36.527 [SPEAKER_00]: So even if like, you know, because a lot of times we think through what I do to change like my neighborhood, my city or whatever, like it's gotta start somewhere and individual is huge, but even a household alone. 13:36.687 --> 13:38.910 [SPEAKER_00]: And I've seen that in ours that the God is 13:38.890 --> 13:44.015 [SPEAKER_00]: We've tried to have the same narrative for a long enough time that the Lord is actually using it as he brings people in our house or not. 13:44.176 --> 13:45.957 [SPEAKER_00]: So, and that's a cool thing. 13:46.238 --> 13:47.299 [SPEAKER_00]: And that can happen. 13:47.339 --> 13:52.144 [SPEAKER_00]: Our family is not particularly special in that way. 13:52.344 --> 13:56.729 [SPEAKER_00]: It's believing the Holy Spirit and kind of articulating what it's supposed to look like in our house. 13:57.870 --> 14:07.480 [SPEAKER_00]: So, let's try to, we're talking theory, and I know there's definitely going to be some people interested that are wrestling with this. 14:07.460 --> 14:16.550 [SPEAKER_00]: I want to kind of piece through a bit of a story and then let's talk through, okay, practically, then how does this look? 14:16.570 --> 14:30.345 [SPEAKER_00]: As you and I have talked for a number of years, let me take it back in a number of years, personal story in our life in 2021, my son Elijah relapsed 14:30.325 --> 14:36.531 [SPEAKER_00]: And as we were going through that first season, it was pretty dark and hard, you know, like all of your fears are happening. 14:37.212 --> 14:54.810 [SPEAKER_00]: And it was during that same period that you were, we were all just on the semi-emerging side of COVID, we weren't really emerging, like, for instance, his relapse, the hospitalization was much worse because they were still under hospital protocol where you can't have any visitors. 14:55.010 --> 14:57.312 [SPEAKER_00]: So like his childhood leukemia, 14:57.292 --> 15:03.138 [SPEAKER_00]: You got friends coming in, his brothers able to lay in bed with him, and hang out, mom and dad were always there. 15:04.199 --> 15:22.557 [SPEAKER_00]: And eighth grade Elijah, when friends mean a whole lot more, is stuck in a hospital room with only mom or dad, because for some reason, it's toxic for us to both be in the room at the same time with him, even though either one of us could be there at any one particular time. 15:22.918 --> 15:27.062 [SPEAKER_02]: Yeah, Tassie dribs outside the room, and then carrying the back in the right. 15:27.042 --> 15:33.820 [SPEAKER_00]: Um, so, you know, we are now looking in 2022 headed towards a bone marrow transplant. 15:34.361 --> 15:42.081 [SPEAKER_00]: And we know that he's going to be confined in an ICU room with only one adult in the room. 15:42.061 --> 15:46.746 [SPEAKER_00]: Not only not allowed to have friends, but not allowed to leave the room for a minimum of 30 days. 15:47.626 --> 15:56.816 [SPEAKER_00]: And on top of that bomb barred with chemo, they've told us you're going to get ulcers from your tongue and your cheeks all the way down to your sphincter. 15:57.356 --> 15:58.577 [SPEAKER_00]: You're going to be on morphine. 16:00.399 --> 16:01.680 [SPEAKER_00]: Nothing's going to taste good. 16:02.061 --> 16:03.142 [SPEAKER_00]: You're going to be very, very sick. 16:03.182 --> 16:10.549 [SPEAKER_00]: And this is what's going to ultimately heal you because we have to kill every last bit of the bone marrow in your body so that you're 16:10.529 --> 16:12.691 [SPEAKER_00]: body can accept the perfect match of your brother. 16:13.312 --> 16:16.456 [SPEAKER_00]: So we know all of this and this is looming in coming. 16:16.476 --> 16:38.781 [SPEAKER_00]: Virgil at the same time you and I are having talks because you are in Spain and have just walked through like even a much more severe lockdown in COVID over there and a lot of the missionaries that you are working with and very closed access places in the world have done the 16:38.879 --> 16:49.573 [SPEAKER_00]: some of the practices that you had begun instilling in those that you were caring for, which was ultimately about centering your life around Christ. 16:50.074 --> 17:00.027 [SPEAKER_00]: I mean, that's really where it comes down to it, that these people were stronger and healthier on the other side than they were even when they went through COVID. 17:00.007 --> 17:19.430 [SPEAKER_00]: And so as we're having conversations, I began to hear what you're saying, thinking, okay, how might we do this in some way where when we're stuck in a hospital room, and we have no control over most things in our lives, there's got to be some things that are in our control every day. 17:19.950 --> 17:25.677 [SPEAKER_00]: And so we had a whiteboard in the hospital and on the first day we were there, 17:25.657 --> 17:31.267 [SPEAKER_00]: We wrote several things and we're like, these are what we're going to base is at a good day or a bad day on. 17:31.527 --> 17:37.778 [SPEAKER_00]: And so it was like time with God, move and train my body and move and train my body. 17:38.359 --> 17:42.767 [SPEAKER_00]: For Elijah some days ago, can you stand up out of your hospital bed and sit down? 17:43.007 --> 17:44.029 [SPEAKER_00]: Can we do that five times? 17:44.430 --> 17:44.991 [SPEAKER_00]: Okay, that's it. 17:45.512 --> 17:46.213 [SPEAKER_00]: Check. 17:46.193 --> 17:48.957 [SPEAKER_00]: Yeah, yeah, eat intentionally. 17:49.177 --> 17:57.729 [SPEAKER_00]: And in some days, eat intentionally meant literally, can I heat up a soft pretzel and you take five bites and swallow it and that's going to be all you're eating for a day. 17:58.430 --> 18:06.121 [SPEAKER_00]: Talk to a friend, tell people I love them, play, and learn something anything. 18:06.142 --> 18:06.903 [SPEAKER_00]: It doesn't matter what. 18:06.943 --> 18:10.007 [SPEAKER_00]: And so we kind of had this list and I think there are about 10 things on the list. 18:10.173 --> 18:13.480 [SPEAKER_00]: Um, and this was ultimately what it was. 18:13.520 --> 18:28.671 [SPEAKER_00]: It was a kid's version of what you had been doing with your missionaries on a full-out version, and I can tell you experientially we compare to every other child on that bone marrow wing. 18:28.651 --> 18:34.144 [SPEAKER_00]: just sailed through the treatment, not just physically, but emotionally. 18:34.505 --> 18:38.755 [SPEAKER_00]: And your emotions are absolutely tied to the healing of your body. 18:39.798 --> 18:44.770 [SPEAKER_00]: And let me give you this is how I know how drastically different it was. 18:44.750 --> 18:59.409 [SPEAKER_00]: Two or three weeks into it, the hospital psychologist came along to check on him, and after about 10 minutes of just checking on him sat down and began to dump and unpack her life onto us. 19:00.511 --> 19:02.213 [SPEAKER_00]: So the next hour and a half. 19:02.634 --> 19:06.078 [SPEAKER_00]: And she was like, I wish you guys could go talk to everybody in the hospital. 19:07.200 --> 19:14.149 [SPEAKER_00]: So like what we were doing made us the therapy room for the hospital psychologist. 19:15.580 --> 19:17.723 [SPEAKER_01]: Yeah, that's yeah. 19:18.003 --> 19:19.324 [SPEAKER_01]: Sorry, tie that happened to you. 19:19.405 --> 19:20.946 [SPEAKER_00]: Yeah, it was kind of funny. 19:20.966 --> 19:21.167 [SPEAKER_01]: Go. 19:21.487 --> 19:22.348 [SPEAKER_01]: Yeah. 19:22.608 --> 19:31.579 [SPEAKER_00]: So when we came out and realized, you know, what this list, if it were working in an ICU room of a hospital, it's probably pretty good for the rest of the day, probably probably. 19:32.079 --> 19:35.844 [SPEAKER_00]: So we've kind of used that like made it kind of into a checklist card, measuring a great day. 19:36.725 --> 19:42.752 [SPEAKER_00]: And, and I what I want to do now is I want to ask you, there's some, 19:42.732 --> 19:47.730 [SPEAKER_00]: There's some real strategy behind it because when you, the list that we came up with, 19:48.402 --> 19:53.428 [SPEAKER_00]: was really looking at your soul from a lot of different elements and a lot of different aspects. 19:53.468 --> 20:04.060 [SPEAKER_00]: And I want you to dive into that a little bit because this is what you found to be part of the key of strengthening the adults in very hard places in your life and we're realizing it's the same with kids. 20:04.100 --> 20:06.423 [SPEAKER_00]: And so I want moms and dads to be able to have a good picture of this. 20:06.443 --> 20:17.616 [SPEAKER_00]: So tell me that what are the the keys that you found to recognizing what's needed in one soul 20:17.832 --> 20:18.093 [SPEAKER_02]: Yeah. 20:18.313 --> 20:18.594 [SPEAKER_02]: Yeah. 20:18.614 --> 20:18.934 [SPEAKER_02]: That's good. 20:20.598 --> 20:33.124 [SPEAKER_02]: I'll tell you that first I'm going to tell you that one of the things we're noticing is that To have to to catalyze the effects that we want to catalyze with kids. 20:33.323 --> 20:36.130 [SPEAKER_02]: is requiring a little bit of a different approach. 20:36.672 --> 20:40.682 [SPEAKER_02]: It's the same exact, it's the same windows, but a different approach. 20:41.063 --> 20:50.607 [SPEAKER_02]: When the relationship is parent to kid or trusted adults to kid, and it has a little bit to do with the amount of agency that a kid has. 20:50.587 --> 21:00.725 [SPEAKER_02]: Okay, so we want, we teach people to learn how to, without judgment or excuse, assess their flourishing in five dimensions, right? 21:01.186 --> 21:05.794 [SPEAKER_02]: We tell them that you don't have a soul you are a soul and your soul has five parts. 21:06.247 --> 21:11.213 [SPEAKER_02]: You can cut us all up a thousand different ways, probably, but we like to cut it up five, five ways. 21:11.393 --> 21:18.361 [SPEAKER_02]: So you want to assess your flourishing spiritually, physically, cognitively, emotionally, and relationally, right? 21:18.381 --> 21:20.143 [SPEAKER_00]: Say that one more time, if somebody's listening. 21:20.223 --> 21:26.350 [SPEAKER_02]: Spirigially, physically, cognitively, emotionally, and relationally. 21:26.530 --> 21:34.920 [SPEAKER_02]: And what we mean is how proximal, how close, how easy is it to experientially connect to Jesus? 21:35.862 --> 21:36.443 [SPEAKER_02]: That's spiritual. 21:36.843 --> 21:40.808 [SPEAKER_02]: Physical is how much is my body an asset and how much is it in my way? 21:43.231 --> 21:49.979 [SPEAKER_02]: Cognitively is how much of my attention belongs to me and am I able to tell the difference between my working gods? 21:52.762 --> 22:04.857 [SPEAKER_02]: Emotionally is am I able to notice and manage my emotions and notice and name my emotions and others and am I able to bring those to Jesus? 22:05.005 --> 22:05.706 [SPEAKER_02]: constructively. 22:07.429 --> 22:15.383 [SPEAKER_02]: And then, relationally, is how supported in MI and how free MI to make the investments I want to make in the people that are important to me. 22:15.403 --> 22:15.644 [SPEAKER_02]: All right. 22:15.664 --> 22:17.447 [SPEAKER_02]: So that's those are the five dimensions. 22:18.248 --> 22:23.056 [SPEAKER_02]: And what we've noticed, if you've ever coached like a high school kid, you just said you coach your son in the gym, right? 22:23.577 --> 22:23.678 [SPEAKER_02]: Yeah. 22:23.698 --> 22:28.566 [SPEAKER_02]: So like talking someone through all of the muscles that have to fire for a healthy squat. 22:29.609 --> 22:54.688 [SPEAKER_02]: uh... you could not possibly teach tell an eighth grade boy right uh... you just using the word glutius to an eighth grade boy you've lost his concentration he's gone right yeah boom it's gone but you can say all right big breath get tight drop it squeeze your butt stand up right there's a five cues and right and the kid the kid can get five really simple cues a really complex system is managed with five simple cues 22:55.006 --> 22:59.691 [SPEAKER_02]: So we taught three simple cues for each of the five dimensions, right? 22:59.792 --> 22:59.932 [SPEAKER_02]: Okay. 23:00.232 --> 23:00.633 [SPEAKER_02]: A flyover. 23:00.733 --> 23:01.714 [SPEAKER_02]: A flyover. 23:01.814 --> 23:02.335 [SPEAKER_02]: Here's the flyover. 23:02.715 --> 23:07.501 [SPEAKER_02]: So spiritually, how do you know how to connect to Jesus alone with others and in action? 23:07.561 --> 23:10.424 [SPEAKER_02]: So it's with draw, gather, and obey. 23:11.866 --> 23:14.829 [SPEAKER_02]: These kids connect to him with Jesus alone with others and in action. 23:15.650 --> 23:17.172 [SPEAKER_02]: Physically, it's eat, move, recover. 23:17.853 --> 23:24.861 [SPEAKER_02]: Being intentional about you eat, about how you eat, moving in a way that actually 23:25.280 --> 23:26.301 [SPEAKER_02]: both daily and weekly. 23:27.603 --> 23:30.626 [SPEAKER_02]: Cognitively, it's a learn-focused play, right? 23:30.886 --> 23:32.869 [SPEAKER_02]: How do I get something novel in my head? 23:32.929 --> 23:39.076 [SPEAKER_02]: How do I make stuff not get in my head and how do I use my head, my mind, to take myself less seriously? 23:39.096 --> 23:42.680 [SPEAKER_02]: Emotionally, emotional thriving has to do with notice, interview, manage. 23:42.760 --> 23:44.181 [SPEAKER_02]: Can I notice in name my emotions? 23:45.223 --> 23:48.286 [SPEAKER_02]: Not like good, bad, gray, but like real words, right? 23:49.608 --> 23:54.493 [SPEAKER_02]: Can I interview them to find out what they're telling me about what I want? 23:54.625 --> 23:57.369 [SPEAKER_02]: because that's Jesus's most frequently asked question is what do you want. 23:58.470 --> 24:00.934 [SPEAKER_02]: And if I can't answer that question, I can't be good student in Jesus. 24:01.535 --> 24:02.676 [SPEAKER_02]: And then manage. 24:03.077 --> 24:07.543 [SPEAKER_02]: Can I turn my emotions up or down as I need to, right? 24:07.563 --> 24:16.135 [SPEAKER_02]: And then relational is discerned in best grow, which people are the people that are most front burner for this quarter, because I can't manage all my relationships co-equally. 24:17.317 --> 24:19.420 [SPEAKER_02]: And then what are the investments I want to make in them? 24:19.700 --> 24:20.802 [SPEAKER_02]: And how can I get better at that? 24:22.823 --> 24:32.916 [SPEAKER_02]: What we're noticing with kids is the indirect paths are far more fruitful than trying to teach them to do all these things. 24:34.338 --> 24:38.563 [SPEAKER_02]: All right, so like what we're noticing with kids is simple, low-threat conversations. 24:38.824 --> 24:46.694 [SPEAKER_02]: Instead of asking them to have a thrife plan, it'd be better for them to have frequent, simple, low-threat conversations about each of those dimensions which are trusted at all, right? 24:46.714 --> 24:49.978 [SPEAKER_02]: Cause so much of their lives actually is managed by someone else. 24:51.038 --> 24:58.869 [SPEAKER_02]: And then shared habits go much farther than individual habits from 17 down, shared habits go much farther. 24:59.350 --> 25:04.177 [SPEAKER_02]: Modeled habits, I can give you an example of that in a sec, and then after that coached habits. 25:05.599 --> 25:09.284 [SPEAKER_02]: So simple conversations, shared habits, modeled habits, coached habits. 25:10.005 --> 25:11.147 [SPEAKER_02]: Modeled habits is interesting. 25:11.187 --> 25:16.354 [SPEAKER_02]: I don't know, one of the reasons I got under the barbell when I did, maybe I think it was, 25:17.380 --> 25:20.424 [SPEAKER_02]: I got really aggressively into the bar, it may be 2007. 25:20.484 --> 25:37.005 [SPEAKER_02]: And it's because I read a study, I read a group of studies that suggested the number one indicator for whether or not a child will grow up and struggle with life-threatening obesity is the frequency with which their father exercises. 25:38.827 --> 25:45.075 [SPEAKER_02]: Yeah, it turns out that we are able to model a way of living with our bodies and never mention it once. 25:46.152 --> 25:48.736 [SPEAKER_02]: and it has outcomes in our kids. 25:48.756 --> 25:50.739 [SPEAKER_02]: The modeled habits are kind of magical. 25:51.219 --> 25:51.420 [SPEAKER_01]: Wow. 25:52.121 --> 25:52.802 [SPEAKER_02]: Yeah. 25:52.822 --> 26:02.015 [SPEAKER_02]: So we're starting to kick around simple, simple conversations for each of the dimensions that make it accessible and low threat to the kid that you're talking to. 26:03.177 --> 26:05.000 [SPEAKER_00]: That's awesome. 26:05.761 --> 26:07.103 [SPEAKER_02]: Sorry about that long, monologue. 26:07.123 --> 26:08.044 [SPEAKER_00]: No, no, that's helpful. 26:08.645 --> 26:10.067 [SPEAKER_00]: Help me process as you're talking. 26:11.684 --> 26:13.306 [SPEAKER_00]: Parenting is busy. 26:13.326 --> 26:16.609 [SPEAKER_00]: Chaos happens before the coffee finishes brewing. 26:16.629 --> 26:24.197 [SPEAKER_00]: That's why our friends at Christian Parenting created Morning Minute, a concise, scripture-rooted daily email for busy parents. 26:24.217 --> 26:26.899 [SPEAKER_00]: It's a quick pause at the starting of your day. 26:26.919 --> 26:40.273 [SPEAKER_00]: Each weekday morning you'll get one verse to strengthen your spirit, one parenting insight, grounded in Christ like wisdom, one short action item to guide your heart and your kids and one resource to help you go dear. 26:40.253 --> 26:45.222 [SPEAKER_00]: It takes just three minutes to read with the encouragement last all day, and it's free. 26:45.983 --> 26:46.685 [SPEAKER_00]: Don't miss out. 26:46.865 --> 26:54.659 [SPEAKER_00]: Subscribe now at morningminute.org to get the quick encouragement in your inbox every weekday. 26:54.679 --> 26:59.528 [SPEAKER_00]: That's morningminute.org or click the link in the showdowns. 27:00.689 --> 27:03.534 [SPEAKER_00]: So as this comes out, we're recording this in December. 27:03.554 --> 27:13.131 [SPEAKER_00]: So between when we record this and when it's released, early January, I will be doing a youth retreat with our students and families. 27:13.672 --> 27:17.719 [SPEAKER_00]: And we are going to be talking about a lot of this stuff. 27:17.699 --> 27:19.843 [SPEAKER_00]: and what we are doing. 27:20.103 --> 27:28.316 [SPEAKER_00]: And so part of why I want to record this is for moms and dads in our church to hear kind of the background on why we chose what we did and what we're doing with it. 27:29.118 --> 27:34.847 [SPEAKER_00]: And then also how they can enforce and encourage it moving forward. 27:36.211 --> 27:50.761 [SPEAKER_00]: As we, as we, virtual and I as we talked about this stuff over the years, developed the plan that we worked in our family, and then as I re-engage with scripture, there were a couple of things that really stood out to me. 27:51.402 --> 27:53.747 [SPEAKER_00]: The first was 27:53.727 --> 28:03.803 [SPEAKER_00]: that house on the rock passage that I mentioned, the other that I'm really laying into is Jesus, and when he's asked, what's the greatest commandment? 28:04.644 --> 28:20.730 [SPEAKER_00]: You know, it's mentioned in Matthew, Mark, and Luke, and so Luke, the warrior, response, love the Lord of God with all your heart, all your mind, all your soul, all your strengths, and love your neighbors, yourself, and Jesus says, 28:20.710 --> 28:25.236 [SPEAKER_00]: If I ultimately think of okay, building my house on the rock is obeying the teachings of Jesus. 28:25.476 --> 28:30.663 [SPEAKER_00]: Well, the ultimate teaching of Jesus is love God with all your heart and mind, soul and strength and love your neighbors yourself. 28:30.803 --> 28:41.757 [SPEAKER_00]: Like everything else that Jesus says throughout all of the gospels is expanding on loving God with all your heart, all your mind, all your soul and all your strength. 28:41.737 --> 28:54.160 [SPEAKER_00]: Now, you and I have talked about how like these don't correlate one to one with these dimensions of the soul that you're talking about, but the dimensions of the soul here's here's how we're presenting it to the teens. 28:55.169 --> 29:04.963 [SPEAKER_00]: You know, sometimes it feels like I'm been asked to do 10 things or 100 things, but ultimately what God wants of me, he defines as one thing. 29:05.724 --> 29:09.389 [SPEAKER_00]: He love God with all your heart, mind, soul, and strength and love your neighbors yourself. 29:09.529 --> 29:13.995 [SPEAKER_00]: Love your neighbors yourself is just the other side of the coin of loving God with all your heart, mind, soul, and strength. 29:14.015 --> 29:16.198 [SPEAKER_00]: So it's not even another thing. 29:16.178 --> 29:25.458 [SPEAKER_00]: So now, if I look at the world and all of the things that God invites me to do, ask me to do, requires me to do. 29:25.499 --> 29:33.917 [SPEAKER_00]: They are just simply, it's like being at a buffet and having all kinds of different opportunities for how I'm going to love God today. 29:33.897 --> 29:42.226 [SPEAKER_00]: And so we're trying to expand the minds of our students that loving God with all your heart minds, all your strength is far more than your quiet time with God. 29:42.987 --> 29:49.294 [SPEAKER_00]: It's far more than church attendance and your quiet time with God because a lot of times, unfortunately, I feel like that's as far as discipleship goes. 29:50.014 --> 29:54.960 [SPEAKER_00]: And so we're presenting it like, look, God has made a lot of different aspects of your soul. 29:55.140 --> 30:03.769 [SPEAKER_00]: You know, your life is not one thing, your life is many things and in first 30:03.749 --> 30:11.680 [SPEAKER_00]: So the Lord has actually opened up even what we would call normal mundane activities as opportunities to love God. 30:12.361 --> 30:13.442 [SPEAKER_00]: So now let's look at it. 30:14.103 --> 30:17.929 [SPEAKER_00]: You you have a spirit which is your way of connecting with God. 30:18.670 --> 30:19.671 [SPEAKER_00]: You've got a body. 30:20.172 --> 30:22.155 [SPEAKER_00]: It's the only body you're going to get on this earth. 30:22.615 --> 30:25.880 [SPEAKER_00]: And you know, you might live to be a hundred hundred ten years old. 30:25.900 --> 30:28.964 [SPEAKER_00]: You might go tomorrow, but you might live to be a hundred hundred ten years old. 30:29.425 --> 30:33.250 [SPEAKER_00]: And so I have to think about this body. 30:33.230 --> 30:40.044 [SPEAKER_00]: Then what do I do with my body today that shows honor to God today? 30:40.104 --> 30:46.578 [SPEAKER_00]: But also, things ahead of like, I want to be able to serve God with my body for decades and decades and decades. 30:46.618 --> 30:50.706 [SPEAKER_00]: And so like that's, you know, maintenance and strengthening now. 30:50.867 --> 30:52.470 [SPEAKER_00]: So that's physical. 30:52.450 --> 30:57.076 [SPEAKER_00]: Instead of cognitive, because I'm talking to 11-year-olds, I say, you got a mind, right? 30:57.437 --> 31:19.065 [SPEAKER_00]: And so you've got a mind, and the Lord, you know, we've said over and over what you feed will grow, what you starval die, the story that you play in your head is the story that controls your life, and you have God as a creator God, God as a God of wonder, he's a God of math, he's a God of science, but he's also God of music and laughter and play. 31:19.045 --> 31:28.346 [SPEAKER_00]: And so you have opportunities to love God with your mind, whether that's learning, whether that's playing, or whether that's just shutting out everything else and focusing on one thing. 31:29.589 --> 31:30.932 [SPEAKER_00]: You have emotions. 31:31.914 --> 31:33.558 [SPEAKER_00]: Your emotions are very important. 31:33.578 --> 31:36.244 [SPEAKER_00]: God made you emotional for a reason. 31:36.224 --> 31:42.742 [SPEAKER_00]: what we don't want is our emotions to kick us out of the driver's seat and take the wheel and press the gas down. 31:42.843 --> 31:46.713 [SPEAKER_00]: And so we get to love God with our emotions. 31:47.054 --> 31:51.246 [SPEAKER_00]: And for us, you know, a couple very practical practices on that. 31:51.226 --> 32:02.543 [SPEAKER_00]: a regular practice of forgiving other people and a regular practice of gratitude to help rain in my emotions to where things don't have a hold of me and I'm focusing on what I want. 32:03.103 --> 32:05.627 [SPEAKER_00]: And then relationships, God's given me relationships. 32:05.807 --> 32:09.312 [SPEAKER_00]: And so God, in the garden said, it's good for me, I'm not to be alone. 32:09.933 --> 32:12.056 [SPEAKER_00]: And so friendships are very important. 32:12.076 --> 32:13.719 [SPEAKER_00]: I need to talk and connect with people. 32:14.280 --> 32:17.284 [SPEAKER_00]: But also, I'm not the consumer. 32:17.264 --> 32:22.672 [SPEAKER_00]: God has made me to be a blessing to the world and so in relationships I get to bless and build. 32:22.692 --> 32:29.782 [SPEAKER_00]: So I get to bless people and encourage them and by building, I get to use whatever kind of strengths that God's given me to be a blessing to the world. 32:30.463 --> 32:35.631 [SPEAKER_00]: And so for each of these over the course of our retreat, we're kind of giving two practices on there, okay? 32:35.891 --> 32:35.931 [SPEAKER_00]: So 32:35.911 --> 32:37.374 [SPEAKER_00]: time with time with God. 32:37.434 --> 32:41.842 [SPEAKER_00]: So for spiritual, you know, let's look at time with God and worship. 32:41.922 --> 32:45.249 [SPEAKER_00]: And in worship, we're defining it as singing, serving, giving. 32:45.429 --> 32:51.180 [SPEAKER_00]: There's a lot of things that gonna worship, but we're trying to, okay, every day of your life, you can at least one of those things. 32:51.220 --> 32:52.964 [SPEAKER_00]: You can sing, you can serve, you can give. 32:53.685 --> 32:56.350 [SPEAKER_00]: In physical, 32:56.330 --> 32:58.895 [SPEAKER_00]: I want to move and train my body and I want to eat intentionally. 32:59.096 --> 33:01.922 [SPEAKER_00]: Now, eat intentionally doesn't mean never eat sugar or whatever. 33:01.962 --> 33:03.585 [SPEAKER_02]: It means do it on purpose. 33:03.605 --> 33:04.688 [SPEAKER_00]: I'm doing it on purpose. 33:04.708 --> 33:08.997 [SPEAKER_00]: So I'm putting good things on my body because God gave me a body that runs on good things. 33:09.197 --> 33:14.508 [SPEAKER_00]: And if I'm going to eat something good, I'm doing it on purpose because God also wants us to feast before him. 33:14.809 --> 33:16.853 [SPEAKER_00]: So I'm not, I'm not, I'm not. 33:16.833 --> 33:24.563 [SPEAKER_00]: coping through food and I'm not blind habits, you know, I'm eating intentional with emotions. 33:24.603 --> 33:30.932 [SPEAKER_00]: Like we said, we're we're talking about forgiving every day and we're talking about gratitude. 33:31.172 --> 33:35.217 [SPEAKER_00]: Like, am I intentionally spending time and gratitude for your mind? 33:36.539 --> 33:37.020 [SPEAKER_00]: Focus. 33:37.661 --> 33:39.844 [SPEAKER_00]: Is there and we're trying to make it really tangible? 33:39.884 --> 33:43.228 [SPEAKER_00]: So is there at least one 15 minute time a day? 33:43.208 --> 33:54.865 [SPEAKER_00]: where you are paying attention to just one thing, with no other distractions, not your earbuds, not your seven screens going on, but can I focus for at least 15 minutes a day to build that muscle? 33:55.525 --> 34:04.999 [SPEAKER_00]: And then play, like whether it's a hobby that refreshes you or just play, that I'm using my brain to just enjoy the creation of God. 34:05.239 --> 34:10.026 [SPEAKER_00]: And then relational, I think I talked about Bless and Build and talk to a friend. 34:10.006 --> 34:21.065 [SPEAKER_00]: So we're trying to, like you said with, you know, I could tell you all of the science about squatting or I could teach you some practices that will help you squat. 34:21.265 --> 34:26.775 [SPEAKER_00]: And as you begin to experience them, then you're kind of more open for the sciences here. 34:28.137 --> 34:29.820 [SPEAKER_00]: But ultimately, back to this. 34:31.100 --> 34:34.867 [SPEAKER_00]: This is not a checklist of how to get in God's good graces. 34:35.348 --> 34:37.692 [SPEAKER_00]: This is not a checklist on how to earn God's love. 34:37.772 --> 34:41.559 [SPEAKER_00]: You cannot earn what you've already been given fully. 34:42.922 --> 34:50.155 [SPEAKER_00]: These are ways that I want to continue to put before your face, before your eyes and before your mind. 34:50.135 --> 35:07.839 [SPEAKER_00]: opportunities that I have to love God with all my heart, mind, soul, and strength, because if if I've got a list and other people are doing it and I can pay attention to it and I'm not ever going to successfully do them all in one day, but if I do them most days a week, that's changing my life. 35:08.720 --> 35:13.847 [SPEAKER_00]: It turns out not only is my connection with Jesus much deeper, 35:13.827 --> 35:16.851 [SPEAKER_00]: But also, I become that kind of person that is a house on a rock. 35:17.192 --> 35:18.934 [SPEAKER_00]: I thrive around. 35:19.215 --> 35:20.917 [SPEAKER_00]: So that's how we're laying it out. 35:20.937 --> 35:23.381 [SPEAKER_00]: And I would love you to speak into that because also I haven't done the retreat. 35:23.421 --> 35:24.863 [SPEAKER_00]: So I can modify things between them. 35:24.883 --> 35:25.284 [SPEAKER_01]: OK, great. 35:25.304 --> 35:25.945 [SPEAKER_01]: Good. 35:26.005 --> 35:27.006 [SPEAKER_01]: This sounds really sound. 35:27.487 --> 35:37.381 [SPEAKER_02]: We, as you're talking, I'm realizing like, with all people, especially with teenagers and kids, people who's brains haven't fully formed, right? 35:37.401 --> 35:38.603 [SPEAKER_02]: 25 and below. 35:41.131 --> 35:45.617 [SPEAKER_02]: there's what you teach them and then there's what you're doing as the as the coach. 35:45.958 --> 35:46.298 [SPEAKER_00]: Yeah. 35:46.318 --> 35:46.498 [SPEAKER_02]: Right. 35:46.719 --> 35:53.788 [SPEAKER_02]: Like you're you're trying to do some things and you only have to teach them some of it to get them activated and doing the things that are good for them. 35:54.870 --> 35:55.050 [SPEAKER_02]: Right. 35:55.170 --> 36:05.324 [SPEAKER_02]: But at the same time you're you're conscious that you're trying you're trying to what you're trying to actually do something that's bigger than simply their their practices. 36:05.364 --> 36:06.386 [SPEAKER_02]: Right. 36:07.127 --> 36:07.347 [SPEAKER_02]: Yes. 36:07.928 --> 36:10.952 [SPEAKER_02]: So one of one of the 36:11.557 --> 36:18.270 [SPEAKER_02]: and operationalize all the parts of them to receive love from God and to give love to God. 36:18.290 --> 36:18.510 [SPEAKER_02]: Yes. 36:19.572 --> 36:23.940 [SPEAKER_02]: They are largely incompetent with most of the parts of them. 36:24.421 --> 36:31.415 [SPEAKER_02]: And the adults that we work with that are serving all over the world and crazy, but pastors have felt giant fellowships that have been in charge of things for a long time. 36:32.777 --> 36:34.240 [SPEAKER_02]: When those people go bad, 36:34.760 --> 36:37.303 [SPEAKER_02]: and they do it like dynamically and publicly. 36:37.783 --> 36:40.366 [SPEAKER_02]: It's usually not because one day they woke up and thought, you know what I want? 36:40.406 --> 36:41.968 [SPEAKER_02]: I want to recalcitrincin addiction. 36:42.529 --> 36:44.911 [SPEAKER_02]: It's actually they didn't know how to manage. 36:45.192 --> 36:47.574 [SPEAKER_02]: They didn't know how to operationalize some part of them. 36:48.035 --> 36:48.916 [SPEAKER_02]: And it's starved out. 36:49.557 --> 36:55.043 [SPEAKER_02]: Like they were, and you can't out Bible verse and emotional need. 36:56.204 --> 36:58.827 [SPEAKER_02]: You can't out relational a physical need. 36:59.178 --> 37:04.863 [SPEAKER_02]: Like you simply can't perform with one of the dimensions and meet the needs of another one. 37:05.163 --> 37:07.405 [SPEAKER_02]: You have to actually get them all up, not, right? 37:07.506 --> 37:14.832 [SPEAKER_02]: So that's what we're doing with, I think with kids what we're trying to do is teach them that all these parts of them are good and here's how they all work. 37:15.173 --> 37:16.894 [SPEAKER_02]: Not like here's how they work, like let's work them. 37:17.595 --> 37:19.416 [SPEAKER_02]: It feels like this when this one's turned on. 37:19.937 --> 37:21.078 [SPEAKER_02]: Now let's point it at Jesus. 37:21.739 --> 37:23.340 [SPEAKER_02]: It feels like this when this one's turned on. 37:23.520 --> 37:24.481 [SPEAKER_02]: Point it at Jesus, right? 37:24.901 --> 37:27.784 [SPEAKER_02]: We're trying to capacitate them because they're largely incapacitated. 37:28.962 --> 37:36.543 [SPEAKER_00]: And one of the reasons we want to talk about this with moms and dads is the best way that this would happen is modeling. 37:37.305 --> 37:41.135 [SPEAKER_02]: Yeah, because what we're doing is refamily and our retreats were refamilying people. 37:41.156 --> 37:41.476 [SPEAKER_02]: Yes. 37:41.496 --> 37:43.181 [SPEAKER_02]: It'd be better if they had been family well. 37:43.522 --> 37:43.883 [SPEAKER_00]: Right. 37:44.555 --> 38:01.551 [SPEAKER_00]: right from the get go yeah so and part of the handling i think is the let's say that we're all going to do this in the house and by the way i'm gonna give you if you're listening to this and you're interested any resource that we make for this retreat i'm happy to give it along to you i'll put it in the thanks for Thursday email and if i forget to 38:01.531 --> 38:16.722 [SPEAKER_00]: then just email me and ask me and I'll send it because the checklist, the five-dimension checklist of what do you call that virtual, the thing you all developed with the slanty lines, gosh. 38:16.702 --> 38:18.405 [SPEAKER_02]: Oh, yeah, the vector, the vector check. 38:18.445 --> 38:19.447 [SPEAKER_02]: The slow-term test thing. 38:19.948 --> 38:26.760 [SPEAKER_00]: Yeah, it's very simple to use very powerful to just wear my healthy, wear my, you know, not so healthy right now. 38:27.641 --> 38:28.403 [SPEAKER_00]: It'll include that. 38:28.523 --> 38:35.335 [SPEAKER_00]: It'll include what we come up with with the Here's Your Road map and for making it a great day, opportunities to love Jesus. 38:36.216 --> 38:39.402 [SPEAKER_00]: The teachings behind it, I'm happy to give all that to you guys. 38:39.382 --> 39:00.833 [SPEAKER_00]: because what would be most helpful like even in my household okay we're all going to do this and modeling is not just me doing it, you know me having it on my mirror to look at and remember but each week or even through the week me talking about like hey the you know how are you guys doing in this this is where i've like had some success and this is where i'm really falling flat 39:00.813 --> 39:07.966 [SPEAKER_00]: And I think that this is where I'm really falling flat is such a core piece of the modeling. 39:08.006 --> 39:11.853 [SPEAKER_00]: It's not like that and mom have it together and I'll never get this. 39:12.514 --> 39:17.623 [SPEAKER_00]: And then with the, this is where I'm falling flat. 39:18.667 --> 39:22.233 [SPEAKER_00]: My reaction to that is really huge, too. 39:22.433 --> 39:30.285 [SPEAKER_00]: It doesn't need to be, well, it's because I suck and I'm a worm and God's disappointed with me, but it's like, you know, I really, like, God's worthy of my love in these ways. 39:30.445 --> 39:33.330 [SPEAKER_00]: And so I want to pay attention to that. 39:33.711 --> 39:41.583 [SPEAKER_00]: And I recognize like, I'm not doing it and my relationship with Jesus would actually be deeper and more connected if I can put some attention to this. 39:41.603 --> 39:43.366 [SPEAKER_00]: So if you guys will pray to me in that, go ahead. 39:43.806 --> 39:46.050 [SPEAKER_00]: Do you mind if I jump in right here with him or something? 39:46.110 --> 39:46.210 [UNKNOWN]: Okay. 39:47.438 --> 39:53.165 [SPEAKER_02]: This is a little bit nuanced, but we're finding that it's kind of important. 39:55.868 --> 40:07.883 [SPEAKER_02]: Even upstream from am I doing well in my falling flat is just simply noticing without any kind of assessment of a performance assessment. 40:08.383 --> 40:10.386 [SPEAKER_02]: It's just noticing, this is what's happening. 40:10.686 --> 40:11.507 [SPEAKER_02]: This is what I'm noticing. 40:12.488 --> 40:15.792 [SPEAKER_02]: Not how am I doing, but how am I? 40:16.092 --> 40:29.115 [SPEAKER_02]: And then if I can get a non-judgmental, unexcused, accurate assessment of how I am I, where I demonstrate, I model that I'm at ease with my, I'm okay with me when I'm not okay. 40:30.557 --> 40:38.571 [SPEAKER_02]: Then I can accurately select what to do next, because I'm not trying to adjust my performance, I'm trying to steward me. 40:39.553 --> 40:39.653 [UNKNOWN]: Yeah. 40:40.004 --> 41:04.930 [SPEAKER_02]: Right, okay, okay, so so in doing that then there are some things maybe up there make I might make a couple of suggestions to your recipe okay for everything and then I'm what I'm going to what I'm going to say though is I'm making these suggestions as a as a conversation partner aware that you probably are way better at this than I am and I that's not me that's not a humble thing like please keep your stuff if you'd like her better. 41:05.851 --> 41:07.513 [SPEAKER_02]: I think upstream from forgive. 41:08.050 --> 41:24.744 [SPEAKER_02]: in Paul's commandments to forgive your neighbor as Christ forgive you, and upstream from and when Jesus says, when Jesus tells us to forgive each other, in the parables that Jesus uses for that, and then Paul's commands upstream from that is the demonstration of compassion. 41:26.085 --> 41:33.712 [SPEAKER_02]: So we're not forgiving because we should, we're forgiving because we know what it feels like to be a person who did what they did, right? 41:34.112 --> 41:37.315 [SPEAKER_02]: We know that. 41:38.189 --> 41:41.733 [SPEAKER_02]: and upstream from empathy is the ability to notice your emotions. 41:43.095 --> 41:45.898 [SPEAKER_02]: So we actually want, I think we really want to work that. 41:46.398 --> 42:07.943 [SPEAKER_02]: One of the things that sometimes happens, I think, with college students and high school, students and middle school students, is as adults, we are aware of the kids who can't manage their emotions because they act out, but we are not aware of the kids who can't find their emotions because there are simply no external signals for that. 42:08.834 --> 42:12.579 [SPEAKER_02]: because at home, certain emotions get vigorously censured. 42:13.300 --> 42:14.202 [SPEAKER_00]: Yeah. 42:14.222 --> 42:15.644 [SPEAKER_02]: And you're not allowed to feel angry. 42:15.844 --> 42:18.107 [SPEAKER_02]: You're allowed to feel sad, you're not allowed to feel angry. 42:18.188 --> 42:20.170 [SPEAKER_02]: You're allowed to feel anxious, worry is noble. 42:20.531 --> 42:23.135 [SPEAKER_02]: You're simply not allowed to be that joyful because it's loud, right? 42:23.655 --> 42:27.862 [SPEAKER_02]: So like certain, depending on your house, certain emotions are censured, certain emotions are welcome. 42:29.143 --> 42:32.188 [SPEAKER_02]: And that's really not gonna ever work as a human, right? 42:33.370 --> 42:38.537 [SPEAKER_02]: So we actually wanna work the skill of 42:39.698 --> 42:40.739 [SPEAKER_02]: Like it's good enough, right? 42:41.100 --> 42:43.203 [SPEAKER_02]: So like a great exercise is high low buffalo. 42:44.124 --> 42:45.165 [SPEAKER_02]: Yeah, right? 42:45.506 --> 42:47.048 [SPEAKER_02]: And then one round after that. 42:47.068 --> 42:49.671 [SPEAKER_02]: So like there's four people at the table, high low buffalo today. 42:49.931 --> 42:52.435 [SPEAKER_02]: Now this is the high, this was the low, this is the buffalo. 42:52.475 --> 42:54.578 [SPEAKER_02]: The buffalo is like, this is a weird thing that happened, right? 42:54.598 --> 42:54.798 [SPEAKER_02]: Right. 42:55.679 --> 43:01.967 [SPEAKER_02]: Okay, then round two is, can you name an emotion you felt during the high during the low or during the buffalo? 43:02.908 --> 43:08.676 [SPEAKER_02]: And if everybody has to pull out their emotions wheel or if the emotions wheel is stuck on the side of the refrigerator, 43:09.078 --> 43:12.442 [SPEAKER_02]: Everybody looks like it goes, I felt frustrated. 43:12.982 --> 43:21.211 [SPEAKER_02]: And then the family's exercise is not to challenge it, not to interview it, not to interrogate it, not to say that they shouldn't have, not to say, yeah, I also wouldn't feel like that. 43:21.671 --> 43:23.513 [SPEAKER_02]: Family's exercise is to go, yeah. 43:23.533 --> 43:25.395 [SPEAKER_02]: And then it's the next person's turn. 43:26.396 --> 43:26.496 [SPEAKER_02]: Cool. 43:26.516 --> 43:34.765 [SPEAKER_02]: If that becomes like a rhythm, then everybody at the table gains the muscle memory for, I can notice an emotion and I don't have to justify it. 43:36.398 --> 43:43.729 [SPEAKER_02]: If I can notice a name in a motion without justifying it, it's never going to get backloaded with all the anxiety I would normally feel about having that emotion. 43:44.189 --> 43:52.742 [SPEAKER_02]: And I'm probably not going to act out any emotion that I can name without judgment or excuse. 43:53.002 --> 43:56.427 [SPEAKER_02]: It's probably not going to be one of the ones that comes flying out in a volcano. 43:57.989 --> 44:01.775 [SPEAKER_02]: So even upstream from management is noticing. 44:02.195 --> 44:04.819 [SPEAKER_02]: Noticing and going, yeah, this is one of the fields. 44:05.660 --> 44:14.836 [SPEAKER_02]: And if there's one that's particularly uncomfortable that people are afraid to say, like it's really been useful to say, hey, can you anyone remember a time that God felt that emotion, right? 44:15.056 --> 44:22.749 [SPEAKER_02]: Because God feels grief, God feels jealousy, God feels anger, God feels lost, God feels sorrow, really the gospel's, God feels lots of feels, right? 44:24.392 --> 44:29.560 [SPEAKER_02]: And not having to like teach the veggies aside of it, just getting used to saying, I felt this today. 44:30.662 --> 44:31.684 [SPEAKER_02]: So it's magical. 44:32.373 --> 44:42.085 [SPEAKER_00]: So, like, let's say, because I actually have, in my mind, a checklist, which I, it's funny, because I hate, and I know it's so helpful. 44:42.145 --> 44:48.833 [SPEAKER_00]: Like, I don't like, I don't want to, for children to think as a word, also think your spirituality is a checklist. 44:48.993 --> 44:56.642 [SPEAKER_00]: And at the same time, I got to have something in front of me to remind you, but what you're suggesting is that, 44:56.622 --> 45:03.230 [SPEAKER_00]: for long-term emotional strength, even before the forgive and the gratitude. 45:04.172 --> 45:10.960 [SPEAKER_00]: Potentially putting you know, the two emotional practices be high low and buffalo and then name your emotions. 45:11.441 --> 45:12.702 [SPEAKER_00]: And so those would go together. 45:13.123 --> 45:14.585 [SPEAKER_02]: I think gratitude is a great one. 45:15.025 --> 45:20.032 [SPEAKER_02]: You're going to pick two, gratitude is a great one because it's a fantastic management tool. 45:20.933 --> 45:26.460 [SPEAKER_02]: It recituates whatever was happening in a broader story of what else is also happening. 45:26.440 --> 45:27.001 [SPEAKER_02]: Right? 45:27.021 --> 45:28.483 [SPEAKER_02]: Yes, yes, I have cancer. 45:29.003 --> 45:30.465 [SPEAKER_02]: Also, my daughter's getting married. 45:30.946 --> 45:31.787 [SPEAKER_02]: Right. 45:31.807 --> 45:31.907 [SPEAKER_02]: Yeah. 45:31.927 --> 45:33.549 [SPEAKER_02]: Neither one is the only thing that's happening. 45:33.709 --> 45:34.771 [SPEAKER_02]: You know? 45:34.791 --> 45:36.453 [SPEAKER_02]: Okay. 45:36.533 --> 45:47.908 [SPEAKER_02]: But I think forgive can be a little dangerous because there's a lot of ways to get to the volitional active forgiveness that bypass some really important mechanics. 45:49.690 --> 45:55.738 [SPEAKER_02]: And that you really want to be able to activate to have a 45:56.393 --> 46:04.105 [SPEAKER_02]: And teaching history forgive, I think, is fantastic, and you should do it, and you don't even need all your mechanics right to do it, to teach a kid to forgive. 46:04.645 --> 46:08.351 [SPEAKER_02]: I'm not sure I would select that as the emotional practice. 46:08.371 --> 46:17.004 [SPEAKER_02]: I think I might select something that helps them learn how to notice a name, and a feel without judgment or excuse. 46:17.705 --> 46:25.877 [SPEAKER_02]: So for your retreat, that might be one answer in your house, in my house, I want, I want 46:26.566 --> 46:34.233 [SPEAKER_02]: where everyone gets used to naming emotions that are more a little bit more complex than, I felt bad, I felt dumb. 46:35.854 --> 46:37.896 [SPEAKER_02]: I felt happy, I felt like you're an idiot. 46:38.076 --> 46:40.458 [SPEAKER_02]: You know, like, wanna get better at this, right? 46:41.179 --> 46:45.643 [SPEAKER_02]: The more nuanced we can get it noticing in naming the emotion, the easier it's gonna be for the kid to manage. 46:45.983 --> 46:55.071 [SPEAKER_02]: And the more access that kid's gonna have to compassion later because they're gonna have a wider array of things that they know how to feel with the other person. 46:55.439 --> 47:00.946 [SPEAKER_02]: ministry, relationships, community and forgiveness, much easier to pull off. 47:01.366 --> 47:02.648 [SPEAKER_00]: Yeah, yeah, that's really helpful. 47:03.669 --> 47:04.049 [SPEAKER_00]: Very good. 47:04.089 --> 47:07.454 [SPEAKER_00]: Trying to be cognizant of time here. 47:07.794 --> 47:08.174 [SPEAKER_00]: Yeah. 47:08.675 --> 47:12.019 [SPEAKER_00]: But this is it's so helpful and it's helpful for me to think through. 47:12.059 --> 47:22.712 [SPEAKER_00]: Again, I want to reinforce where we're talking about practices. 47:23.772 --> 47:37.719 [SPEAKER_00]: that are spiritual, physical, cognitive, emotional, and relational is kind of a centerpiece between the ultimate command of Jesus to love God with all your heart, mind soul and strength, love your neighbors yourself. 47:38.802 --> 47:44.633 [SPEAKER_00]: And the practical outcoming of that is you become like that house on the rock. 47:44.613 --> 47:54.173 [SPEAKER_00]: And so analogy-wise, one of the things I was thinking is, Virgil, I spend a lot of my income on insurance. 47:55.135 --> 48:05.237 [SPEAKER_00]: I've got homeowner's insurance, car insurance, life insurance, iPad insurance, and then probably a bunch of subscriptions for insurance that I don't even remember. 48:05.217 --> 48:12.587 [SPEAKER_00]: And in each of these, if the calamity doesn't happen, then that was sunk cost, right? 48:12.607 --> 48:15.551 [SPEAKER_00]: Like, the only thing it remotely bought me was some piece of mind. 48:18.035 --> 48:30.111 [SPEAKER_00]: And so the striking thing about this is what Jesus is offering is, is in a sense what I would 48:31.137 --> 48:33.881 [SPEAKER_00]: You know, the ultimate soul insurance is salvation in Christ. 48:33.921 --> 48:35.803 [SPEAKER_00]: And so let me make sure that you understand. 48:35.983 --> 48:38.546 [SPEAKER_00]: I am not talking about if you do these practices, you'll go to heaven. 48:39.047 --> 48:50.682 [SPEAKER_00]: What I'm saying is, if you put your faith in Christ and you, you know, Jesus is your Lord in King, he saves you, that is your access to the new heavens and new earth and relationship with God forever. 48:51.168 --> 48:54.817 [SPEAKER_00]: but you are still a soul experiencing life on this Earth for a very long time. 48:55.378 --> 48:57.764 [SPEAKER_00]: Maybe a few days, maybe a very long time. 48:58.566 --> 49:05.683 [SPEAKER_00]: And we have encountered plenty of believers that I trust are going to heaven. 49:06.018 --> 49:11.984 [SPEAKER_00]: whose souls are shattered because of the events of life. 49:12.345 --> 49:20.173 [SPEAKER_00]: And what's interesting is those whose souls are shattered are not necessarily the people that I know who have been through the hardest events in life. 49:20.914 --> 49:22.616 [SPEAKER_00]: So the events in life are not the excuse. 49:22.696 --> 49:23.737 [SPEAKER_00]: There's something that's put on. 49:24.358 --> 49:26.580 [SPEAKER_02]: And that doesn't control for the outcome. 49:26.600 --> 49:27.021 [SPEAKER_00]: Exactly. 49:27.541 --> 49:35.890 [SPEAKER_00]: So the kind of soul insurance that I'm talking about is not the bad things won't happen to you, but Jesus says you'll be that house on the rock. 49:35.870 --> 49:45.255 [SPEAKER_00]: Um, but the difference between my life insurance, my health insurance, my iPad insurance and all of this is that even if none of this storms happen. 49:45.387 --> 49:47.490 [SPEAKER_00]: This is the best life you could possibly have. 49:48.212 --> 49:52.719 [SPEAKER_00]: Like, this is a fruitful life that thrives. 49:52.739 --> 49:59.029 [SPEAKER_00]: Wait, I am now seeking to love Jesus in every dimension of my life. 49:59.991 --> 50:03.637 [SPEAKER_00]: And I'm not doing it just so that when bad things happen, I don't crumble. 50:04.078 --> 50:07.604 [SPEAKER_00]: I'm doing it because this is the definition of abundant life. 50:08.445 --> 50:11.530 [SPEAKER_00]: And one of the side perks just happens to be 50:11.510 --> 50:15.234 [SPEAKER_00]: when it hits the fan, I don't shatter in there. 50:15.254 --> 50:17.636 [SPEAKER_00]: And so to me, that's like the beautiful thing that we're talking about. 50:18.197 --> 50:26.445 [SPEAKER_02]: Yep, Jesus, at the end of the sermon on the mountain says, if you do what I say, if you hear what I say and do it, when the calamity comes. 50:26.465 --> 50:27.466 [SPEAKER_02]: Yes, calamity comes to both. 50:27.506 --> 50:28.287 [SPEAKER_02]: White calamity is coming. 50:29.208 --> 50:30.189 [SPEAKER_02]: Then you survive, right? 50:30.349 --> 50:30.950 [SPEAKER_02]: Yes. 50:31.010 --> 50:31.450 [SPEAKER_02]: You stand. 50:32.271 --> 50:40.740 [SPEAKER_02]: The other time that he says, here's why I'm telling you this, is when he says, I tell you these things so that my emotional state can become your emotional state. 50:40.940 --> 50:42.208 [SPEAKER_02]: and it can take over everything. 50:42.470 --> 50:46.275 [SPEAKER_02]: So that my joy can be in you and your joy can be full. 50:47.285 --> 50:48.166 [SPEAKER_02]: That's a great outcome. 50:48.606 --> 50:49.748 [SPEAKER_00]: Yeah. 50:49.768 --> 50:51.970 [SPEAKER_00]: Virgil, you've written a book as we close out. 50:52.090 --> 50:53.172 [SPEAKER_00]: I want to say thank you. 50:53.192 --> 50:53.552 [SPEAKER_00]: Thank you. 50:53.612 --> 51:05.305 [SPEAKER_00]: I really appreciate your time and helping me process through this over the years and even now, for those that are ready to really kind of have it fully laid out and diving into the weeds of a lot of this. 51:06.407 --> 51:10.611 [SPEAKER_00]: This year released a book that has been very helpful for me as I even prep for this retreat. 51:11.372 --> 51:15.537 [SPEAKER_00]: Would you tell what it is and a little bit about if somebody was going to get it where you would recommend them go? 51:15.989 --> 51:32.947 [SPEAKER_02]: Yeah, the book's called Soul Tending, Leadership for Strategic Human Flourishing, and it's designed to help people become anti-fragile, integrated in their work, and become the fullest version of themselves at Jesus' Dream and to help other people do it, and you can find an Anama Sound that sees this way to get it. 51:32.967 --> 51:40.456 [SPEAKER_00]: And what I've learned in the releasing of my recent book is by the book and then leave a review, because that, it would help so much. 51:40.616 --> 51:41.777 [SPEAKER_00]: So so much. 51:41.757 --> 52:09.857 [SPEAKER_00]: People I never realized how much leaving reviews actually helps the authors if you find something equality for any book that you've read go back and leave a review that is that is almost worth more than the payment for the book to the author because it's not like you make a ton of money on the book you make like a dollar you make a dollar yeah but he thank you so much I love you and appreciate you and happy new year to you and happy new year I love you best buddy thanks man 52:09.837 --> 52:19.793 [SPEAKER_00]: As always, I want to thank you so much for listening to Let's Parent All Purpose this week for sharing it with friends and for subscribing to like buttoning and all of the things that people did. 52:19.813 --> 52:23.239 [SPEAKER_00]: Let's Parent All Purpose is a ministry of the 1-2-7 project. 52:23.319 --> 52:35.659 [SPEAKER_00]: It's a listener's supported and if you want to be a part of producing this podcast and then more than that, taking care of the orphan and at-risk around the world, you can do so by going to Let's ParentAll Purpose.com slash support. 52:35.639 --> 52:37.862 [SPEAKER_00]: or clicking the give button at the bottom of my things. 52:37.982 --> 52:48.515 [SPEAKER_00]: For Thursday, you mail that I send out, and we can be a part of transforming not just our families, but the other most part of the world with the gospel of Jesus. 52:48.535 --> 52:49.817 [SPEAKER_00]: Again, I want to thank you for listening. 52:49.977 --> 52:56.145 [SPEAKER_00]: I want to remind you that parenting is a marathon, not a sprint, we'll talk to you soon. 53:06.166 --> 53:11.856 [UNKNOWN]: Thanks for watching!